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screebyy · 3 months

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Part 2: local empath tries and fails to parse his own feelings apart from the feelings of the dead little freak living inside his brain

Next part is either gonna be either a really big one or split into several little parts idk yet but i would like to finish this at least through the next Scene™️

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Panel 1: Crow is sitting on a branch high up in a dead tree, on a hill above the Harbinger’s Seclude temple in the Dreaming City. Crow is relaxing along the branch, with one leg stretched out and one propped up so he can rest his hand on his knee. He is leaning back against the trunk of the tree as he looks to his right, down at the temple and away from the viewer. He is holding a flaming hunter throwing knife in his hand, flicking it back and forth. Glint is floating next to him. Glint: “Do you want to see him again?” Crow: “I don’t think he wants to see me.” Glint: “That’s not what I asked!”

Panel 2: Crow twirls the knife in his hand, scowling as he looks down at it. The knife is made of solar flame, and leaves trails of fire behind it as he twirls it. Crow looks like he is reluctantly considering Glint’s question.

Panel 3: Crow turns back towards the temple, grabbing the knife and pulling his knees into his chest. Crow: “I just want him to be alright.”

Panel 4: Crow hugs his knees into his chest. His face is not visible. Crow: “And… it seems like knowing me doesn’t help with that.”

Panel 5: Crow has his arms crossed over his knees, and is resting his face on his forearm. With his other hand, he continues to fidget with the solar knife, twirling it between his fingers. He is looking at the knife, but his expression is distant. Crow: “I shouldn’t be surprised.”

Panel 6: In a memory, Uldren and Jolyon are in bed, late at night. Jolyon seems to be sleeping peacefully, and is embracing Uldren from behind with his face pressed against the back of Uldren’s head. One arm is draped over Uldren’s waist, while the other is resting under Uldren’s cheek, with his hand palm-up on the mattress in front of Uldren’s face.Uldren is awake. He is clutching the blanket around his waist with one hand. His other hand is clutching desperately at Jolyon’s hand on the mattress in front of him, with his fingers threaded between Jolyon’s at an awkward, stiff angle. He is staring at their clasped hands, looking distraught and almost angry. He is crying. Crow (from present day): “I always knew I was bad for him. Even before the garden, when things were… Mostly good. I knew I’d never be what he wanted. What he deserved…”

Panel 7: In present day, Crow continues to twirl the knife, but has turned his face further into the crook of his elbow, staring vacantly into the distance. Crow: “I was just too selfish to let him go.” Panel 8: Close up of Glint staring down at Crow passively. Glint: “It sounds like that’s how Uldren felt. What about you?”

Panel 8: Close up of Crow’s hand holding the knife. He has stopped it mid-spin, catching it between his fingers. Crow: “...”

Panel 9: Close up of Crow’s hand. He dissolves the knife into a fizzling burst of flame as he closes his hand into a fist. Crow: “Right.”

Panel 10: Wide shot from behind Crow. Crow turns his body fully towards the temple, still resting his left hand on his knee. Glint is floating in front of him, looking at his face. Crow: “I don’t want to make the same mistake. So… if he asks, I’ll be there. But after everything Uldren did, the way things ended…”

Panel 11: Crow turns his head away from Glint, leaning on his right hand stiffly. Crow: “I don’t think I’ll hear from him again.”

Panel 12: Glint floats in front of Crow again. Crow is looking down and away from the camera. Glint: “... And you’re okay with that?”

Panel 13: Crow starts to turn back towards Glint, looking torn. Crow: “... I-” He is interrupted by a dinging sound coming from his pocket.

Panel 14: Crow pulls his phone from his pocket, looking at the screen curiously. The phone dings again, and the screen shows that there are two new notifications.

Panel 15: Crow pulls the phone very close to his face, clutching it tightly with both hands. He is staring at the phone with comically wide eyes, looking alarmed and is blushing lightly. The phone shows two messages from an external sender [EXT]. Crow: “A-” Phone: “Are you still in the reef?” Phone: “It’s Jolyon”

Panel 16: Wide shot of Crow squatting like a gremlin on the branch, holding the phone with both hands directly in front of his face as he types on it quickly. He is blushing, and looks extremely focused. Glint is spinning excitedly above him. Crow’s response is visible coming from the phone. Phone (Crow’s response): “yes leaving tomorrow” Glint: “He’s messaging you!! Do you think he wants to see you??” Crow: “I don’t know shush” Crow: “He’s typing…”

Panel 17: Close up of the phone screen, where 3 messages from Jolyon are visible: [EXT]: Can we talk? [EXT]: Meet me here? [EXT]: (a UI element reads NAV DATA SHARED, showing a nav point over cartographical lines)

Panel 18: Close up of Crow’s face, looking down at the phone. He look surprised.

Panel 19: Text shows Crow’s response: “on my way.”

#i like them so much!!!!!!!!!#It's Crow Sulking Hours #i will be getting deep into mine own headcanons for jolyon & uldren for this project #starting with: whatever they had going on i think it was probably a 'b- needs improvement' realistically #on account of uldren having so much wrong with him all of the time #society if the sovs didn't have absolutely nuclear levels of mommy problems #crowlyon #crow destiny #jolyon till #uldren sov #destiny 2

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deoidesign · 23 days

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I've been told my comic feels like it was written by AI.

I suppose I'm not trying to be groundbreaking. I'm not interested in pioneering genres. I'm not writing for the purpose of literary analysis.

But written by AI...?

I'm already someone who has my humanity questioned. My identity erased. My existence disrespected. It could be worse. Anything could be worse.

But AI?

I spend weeks writing single scenes, toiling over the implications of single lines. I have goals. My writing has intent.

If you cared to read deeper, perhaps you'd see the themes. Maybe then you'd see the value. If you tried to analyze it maybe you'd see something there.

Maybe you'd see me.

Someone told me my comic seemed like it was written by AI.

And my humanity was denied one step further in that my voice was not seen in the work I've poured years of my life into.

#this is a comment that has bothered me for... a long time.#it really sat with me.#its insulting of course...#but i get insults all the time #thats not what bothered me.#there was something more to it #something more to how this hurt my feelings and why it lingered so long in my mind #and i think its because of this.#it removes me. it removes my humanity.#in a world where i already feel so invisible and invalidated #where i express myself. my love. through my work #to be told it seems like something a literal robot coild make #a conglomeration of marketable ideas #god. jts so insulting on a completely other level.#its straight up dehumanizing #so. watch the things you say seem like ai #when its actually made by an artist #especially if you know that it was made bh someone #they have a heart an theyre trying to show it to you #i know its not that deep or whatever.#but isnt it?#isnt the point of our art to connect to others? to love them? to spend time with them??#im being dramatic #but i also care #and sometimes a little extra drama is what gets my ideas across.#i would know #im a writer

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uncanny-tranny · 1 year

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I think one of the most surprising parts of transition, specifically going on testosterone, is just how... normal it felt to me. When I was watching other people go on testosterone and describe how they felt, I anticipated that I'd feel the huge emotions, the spark, I guess. But I didn't. If anything, I went from being a neurotic mess to being... normal. Almost painfully normal. It's like I've gotten a cloth and dusted off this thing I call my body.

I honestly think it's interesting how natural I feel on testosterone. I never really thought I could feel this normal, but I do. It's like I can stand in a crowd and not feel like eyes are watching me, like ants crawling on a log.

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #nonbinary #HAVING FEELINGS #like i watched this guy talk about how... almost explosive it feels for him on testosterone...#...and he was talking about it like 'RAAAAAGH FUCK I'M SUDDENLY FILLED WITH THE URGE TO PUNCH DRYWALL'#'ANGRY...HUNGRY' and i think that's completely fine. but it was weird when i didn't experience that #instead of being like... i guess hormonal??? i just feel like i can take a deep breath for once #(though i do relate to when he was like 'I NEED TO EAT EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE 🤬')#but yeah... i guess this is me just being fascinated at how the same exact hormone even at the same levels will feel and look so different #like to me that's magic. like the human body is the messiest result of pure magic to me #i guess to me it's so interesting that people have an intense experience on testosterone when i just do not #(and my levels are normal for my body/age range. it is painfully in the middle of normal in fact)#(though i am overdue for labs. i was JUST talking about labs with my dad too 💀)

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bougiebutchbinch · 6 months

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*E1-3 of Season 2*

Me: oh wow they're really giving Ed a dark villain arc! I love it! Of course, this means we will get a glorious redemption arc throughout the rest of the season where he does his best to make amends with Izzy and the crew, who he was explicitly shown to torture and traumatise <3

*After Ed's canonically-acknowledged-as-incredibly-shitty apology to the crew*

Me: Right, well that is obviously the moment where he changes and starts developing as a character! We're going to get a lot of growth this season; I can feel it. He's going to figure out that this isn't about him, it's about the people he hurt. He's going to actually improve as a person, in such a way that he starts to respect and care for his crew in a way he's never been shown to in the past! What an awesome arc! Yay!

*Season finale*

Me: ....

#ofmd #ofmd critical #blackbeard #our flag means death #ofmd s2 spoilers #the edcourse #edcourse #just #I love his character SO FUCKING MUCH #and they did him SUCH a disservice this season #did he really develop and grow at all? :/ methinks not #The Atrocities could have been stomachable if they'd given him actual GROWTH that wasn't just built clumsily on the back of Izzy's death #but as it is........ they're at a point where you CAN'T just handwave it as comedy because. it wasn't funny?#that level of abuse just cannot be funny outside of an established VERY DARK COMEDY which ofmd is not #they either fucked up their tone OR fucked up Ed's arc and it makes me so sad #not tagging with his name other than 'blackbeard' because I don't think people in the e* t*ach tag would appreciate this lol #but I'm right and deep down they all know it x

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cienie-isengardu · 7 days

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Zuko and Azula in "The Beach"

Lately I think a lot about "The Beach" episode [x], especially about this small detail of great teamwork Zuko and Azula have during the game.

Zuko is looking ahead, directly facing their rivals (who had the control of the ball at this moment) but his body is clearly lowered to the ground, left hand most likely touching the ground, legs bent and widely spaced - a clear contrast to Mai standing near and how he stood before on two separate occasions

which is why I think Zuko willingly create an opportunity for Azula, so she could jump higher - something she definitely used to their team’s advantage. If Azula simply jumped on her brother’s back when he wasn’t expecting it or wasn’t ready, he would probably just fall face down from the impact but as the scene shows, he had no such problem nor was angry about it in the following scenes.

During the game sequences there was no dialogue shown between our protagonists, so it is hard to determine if Azula in advance called Zuko to give her a “lift” or Zuko offered on his own, or did they were that much in sync they just acted without thinking. Regardless I like this few seconds long interaction, because for me it implies how they trusted each other despite all the rivalry and bitterness from previous episodes. Like Zuko trusted Azula won’t use that moment to hurt/humiliate him by overuse of force, the same as Azula trusted in Zuko’s strength and that he won’t mess up by losing his balance. It is a small thing but no less sweet to see them working well together when fighting for the same goal - what reminds me a bit their teamwork from the previous season finale.

Interestingly, it was also the second time Zuko assisted Azula in scoring against their rivals while not scoring himself any point on screen. The first time happened almost right at the beggining of the game (second from total five sequences)

while each girl have the solo sequence of winning a point:

Azula's first attack,

later Ty Lee landing on the net

and Mai kicking the ball (and presumably scoring)

while Zuko’s two actions are shared only with his younger sister while there is no sense of competition between the siblings, something contrasting a lot with some previous and later episodes.

Azula is bossy and competitive through most of the episode and her brother lets her be that without a complaint. Azula and Zuko get along pretty well and A) do not argue (with the exception of the campfire scene and then they argue not even for the whole scene itself) and B) don't get on each nerves the way they do in the palace, with Ozai's presence looming in the back of their mind. I absolutely adore this episode, as it humanizes all our Fire Nation characters by showing them as teenagers outside the war zone but also giving us a bit of insight into what Azula and Zuko could be if Ozai didn't pit them against each other. And they could be a great team!

#atla #avata #avatar: the last airbender #prince zuko #azula #mai #ty lee #zuko and azula #fire nation #fire nation siblings #avatar: the last airbender - the beach episode is such a great mini story #look i have a lot to say about zuko and azula and their messed up relationship but this episode just make you realize how much azula & zuko #are socially awkward teenagers who have no idea how to interact with their peers #but also the deep of their bond shattered by ozai's abuse and yet somehow still connecting them on emotional level #when they can be just kids not ozai's perfect soldiers and heirs #also zuko just tagging with azula's friends is both funny and sad he has no friends of his in fire nation #while sokka will be the first boy befriended close to his own age (with aang a bit younger and lu ten some years older)#i think a lot about the tragedy of azula and zuko okay? a lot as in too much

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catradoraism · 1 year

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hua cheng about xie lian’s “most trusted person”: his highness is too trusting sometimes :( i wish that person was me but i know it couldn’t be :(

xie lian about hua cheng’s “beloved”: that person is such a tasteless freak if /i/ were san lang’s beloved i would never take him for granted he’s so handsome and capable and strong and charming and funny what kind of fucking idiot wouldn’t love him back

#where are the jealous xie lian fics i need them #hualian #hua cheng #xie lian #tgcf #tian guan ci fu #heaven official’s blessing #i can respect xie lian for being oblivious bc hua cheng said he hadn’t won his beloved over #xie lian (clearly smitten as hell): oh so it’s not me then :(#iirc hc also said he hadn’t seen his beloved in a while 😭 while talking to said beloved #also bc i think xie lian did know on some level that he’s hua cheng’s beloved he’s just in deep denial #like the reveal confirmed everything. he tells hua cheng ‘ah so i didn’t misunderstand u!’#HE KNOWS HC IS FLIRTING #i will not respect hua cheng’s obliviousness tho 🙄#xie lian is out here going ‘what matters is u and not the state of u’ ‘i rediscovered happiness bc of u’ ‘i’m jealous of ur beloved :(‘#i need to shake hua cheng. what is not clicking #i know it’s the self worth issues but open ur EYES #or eye

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fuckalicent · 7 months

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i know everyone is like no no alicent wasn’t jealous of rhaenyra she always had her best interests at heart etc etc but i want to propose: alicent was jealous of rhaenyra. maddeningly so. like imagine being married to your childhood best friend’s father who has a weird valyrian fetish and can’t seem to let go of his doomed homeland which isn’t even really his homeland and then you’re suddenly being put on a pedestal with all these expectations placed on you while (as far as you are aware) your friend seems to escape all the scrutiny and despite being afforded all these options and freedom that you had a hand in convincing be given to her, she still doesn’t seem to understand nor care. i would be green with envy and i think that is alright!!!! let her be jealous! because what else did u expect from the child bride who’s been fed alternating agendas from everyone around her since the moment of her marriage??!

#hotd #alicent hightower #pro alicent hightower #understand that i am speaking from alicent’s perspective #from her pov rhaenyra’s refusal to entertain suitors even after being granted a choice in husband is unfathomable. i think on a deeper level #she feels deep feelings of betrayal too. like i did this for you why do you not care #we can go on for hours and hours if u think she’s ‘right’ or not but that’s just what i think she feels

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lionbearfox · 17 days

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sleepyhidas :)

#genshin impact #nahida #my art #in a move shocking absolutely nobody i continue to nahidapost like its my job #i think she deserves to sleep like a kid. it means a lot to me #big art day for me today but this is the biggest thing to come out of it by far. sleepyhida :)#also i love the idea of the sumeru cast doing things for her she both deserves and needs that on such a deep level

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seventh-fantasy · 5 months

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friendships as marital ties (and other notes on relational ties) in mlc

this is sort of a third installment in the series of meta on 'mlc as an exemplar of constructing queer narratives out of chinese ideological frameworks' (1. jianghu as queer space and 2. how it manifests in li xiangyi) - focusing on the nature of relationships in it. (which I've briefly mentioned in the first one and finally actually getting to it!!)

I would like to first call attention to chinese ideological frameworks as a premise of queer reading in mlc. the goal of chinese philosophy is to explore the becoming of human, taking two broad paths of the (mainstream) secular vs. escaping the secular. (these two paths are not a strict dichotomy, and rather, are ever in flux and in conversation with each other.) as said by @markiafc too, chineseness is so much about the rigidity of structures, and in equal part, a desire to break out of them. thus, chinese ideological frameworks can very much offer a rich reading of queerness - that mlc, a story very deliberately structured based on chinese ideologies (more accurately, with good reasons for me to believe that it is as such), has managed to materialise.

if the conceptualisation of queerness is premised on a defiance against mainstream norms, then a reliable way to read queerness in chinese ideological frameworks can be to deconstruct it by the mainstream confucian frameworks.

in mlc, this is implicitly set up with its stage of wulin/martial jianghu. then it is further broken down by asking, hey wulin jianghu is still closely related to the hegemonic values and the mainstream structure of authority (historically, 侠 xia being politically involved says a lot about this), so what is the true meaning of jianghu? what does it then really take for jianghu to be a queer space offering comfort and freedom to those who have escaped to it - to be the space that allow the transcendence of rigid roles and labels? mlc took a step further to resist the proxy to mainstream values that wulin jianghu has become.

this is why there can be a very strong buddhism reading of mlc (suggested here, expounded in the A+++ meta by @markiafc here and here, and also what I've seen discussed by cnet as well), given that buddhism is one of the 'extra-secular' ideologies, alongside (philosophical) taoism. I've also touched on a taoist angle in this meta. both schools are articulated in different sets of languages, but ultimately convey a same ideal of what it means to be human and how to live well - that is, to resist the roles and labels defined by the norms.

so, back to confucian frameworks.

a lot can be discussed about mlc with it. but in the context of this meta about relationships in mlc, it's specifically drawing on how confucianism conceptualises social relationships with familial ties as a cornerstone, and how these relational ties are inextricable from the conceptualisation of the 'self'.

as such, one of the things about mlc that has fascinated me is how deliberately it seems to ignore and reject the conventional familial ties (the kind by blood and marital ties). I've joked about how it is a miracle for me to love mlc as much as I do, as a prime dysfunctional family story enjoyer, despite none of its main characters struggling with any complicated feelings about their (biological) parents. but on closer examination, mlc is also making a comment on the model of familial-based relationships that dominates mainstream society - but through the absence of it.

with this, I want to talk about 1) how mlc rejects the conventional ties; and then 2) how it repurposes these ties in its own ways.

the five relational ties in confucianism:

father and son 父子有亲 - (natural) affection between father and son

ruler and subject 君臣有义 - righteous relationship between ruler and subject

older and younger brothers 兄弟 (长幼有序) - this is actually about seniority within the family; the order between older vs younger family members

husband and wife 夫妇有别 - differentiation between husband and wife (demarcated by the 内外 spectrum of gendered inner-external spheres)

friends 朋友有信 - trust between friends

logically inferred, all these ties are hierarchical and familial-based except for the last one: friends. ruler-subject is sort of an extension of the natural familial ties, while friendship is the inverse space of 1-4 (ie. you fall back on 5 to define a social relationship outside of the familial sphere that cannot be qualified as 1-4). while all are premised on mutuality, it is only no. 5 that is defined by a sense of choice and equality.

on the surface, 1-4 don't quite exist in mlc in particularly meaningful ways to the narrative or are even outright overlooked, and friendship is the relational tie most valued by mlc. we can tell it's true just by looking at the most meaningful relationships in mlc of difanghua. but at the same time, it is more nuanced. we can take a closer look at how the story plays around with most of the ties as part of a broader queer narrative.

1) how mlc rejects the conventional ties

mlc's rejection of mainstream relational ties can be best seen in fdb escaping from marriage. and it was not just any engagement with anybody but an engagement with the imperial family. he struggles with the prospect of being married to princess zhaoling, but generally, it's about the idea of complying to mainstream conventions and expectations that includes compulsory heterosexuality. all these point not only to a defiance against amatonormativity - the resistance of the traditional husband-wife tie, but also an irreverence for the ties of ruler-subject (the engagement being an imperial decree) and father-son (matters of marriage being sole decisions made by parents).

of course this is on top of how fdb's own biological father is a p-o-s, and the narrative gives fdb minimal struggles in this aspect, allowing him to sever this tie without looking back (I love it, yeap). along the same line is how lxy is an orphan, who came to gain important relationships that are built on natural compassion among people rather than innate, blood-based ties - even as llh. the sense of defiance from the narrative is especially stark to me considering that he could have a completely different familial-based life - as a son, brother, and ruler, if his biological family was still around. the narrative also deliberately treats his biological brother as a phantom, replaced with an older brother who he was bonded with neither by blood nor marital ties. on dfs's front, absolutely nothing is to be known about his biological family. his childhood history with the toxic patriarch of his life - who is not even his biological father - was afforded a clean break and closure.

we can keep going on, but that's pretty much the point.

ritualisation is one of the most important things of the confucianism school, especially to the honoring of these social relationships (and the officiating of social roles). the one ceremony/ritual we saw in mlc involving the main characters - or more accurately speaking, came closest to seeing - was the imminent wedding ceremony of dfs and jlq. even in that case, it was premised on non-mutuality with dfs being the unwilling, passive party. (fem-coded dfs? 25 marks.)

and that brings us to the next part.

2) how mlc repurposes these ties

that particular wedding ceremony gets hijacked by dfs and lxy/llh, and gets turned into an important milestone in their relationship. they consummate - what is on text - their friendship after a long time being more enemies and rivals than friends. it is a clear establishment of the trust they have for each other. and here it is where I circle back to the subject of this post: friendships as marital ties.

in this article, as a part of a feminist, egalitarian reframing of confucianism, there is a proposal for spousal relationships to be reframed as a friendship tie. (this aligns with the interrelatedness of the five ties eg. the ruler-subject mirrors father-son dynamic, with the confucian belief that rulers have an obligation to their subjects alike parents to their own children.) by doing so, it removes the functional, gendered differentiation assigned to marital ties, and shifts it to something equal, and independent of gender. you exalt the value of trust between spouses, instead of basing marital relationships on gendered roles. as such, spouses become more like friends, and conversely, friends can also become more like spouses. (romance not a prerequisite. it has never been about romance anyway.)

given that mlc has repeatedly applied marital motifs to llh and dfs's characters in their joint narratives, this opens up a reading friendships as a marital tie. seeing marriage as a bridge for strangers to become family, marriage in mlc becomes a metaphor for the chosen commitment and mutual trust put in by strangers/friends (non-familial ties) into the becoming of family. the blurring of lines between marital ties and friendship encourages a genuine space of queer experience that goes beyond any pressure for strict labels - of sexuality, and relationships as romantic, sexual, etc etc.

(note: despite the borrowing of a feminist concept, I strongly hesitate to call mlc a feminist story. it's a whole discussion - or debate - on its own. nevertheless, it is definitely a gender-conscious story that lays foundation for a strong queer and egalitarian reading.)

it is to be noted that it is intended - and also beneficial to take the confucian framework of relational ties beyond face value. the framework offers what it believed to be the most fundamental social relationship dynamics, and sees room for extension and matching to other kinds of relationships (all if not, most). a relationship such as teacher-student, which is outside of the five ties stated, can also mirror the affection of father-son ties, albeit not in a literal and identical way.

speaking of which. fdb and lxy/llh.

indeed they're known by others to be good friends. fdb thinks they're good friends too - insists on it, and puts his best efforts in keeping it that way. but does it really go both ways? if it does not, then can it really still be friendship? my humble take is that, ultimately - weighing in with llh's perspective - this is a relationship that is not so much based on trust, and rather, based on an innate affection that is only unique to family. (in this case, not blood/marital-based but one that was chosen and built aka lxy's relationship with sgd.) in other words, less of a friendship, more of a familial one.

it is a lot clearer considering their relationship from llh's point of view: some brat you never wanted in your life came barging in, and whether he was going to bring any positive effect to your life was secondary to the tranquility - which you have carved for yourself in the past decade - that is so integral to your personhood. no way. but the moment you hear that he's family? well, that changes the game completely. even before learning about fdb being sgd's son (then beginning to take initiative in showing greater acceptance), it is apparent in llh that there was an instinctive resonance with fdb as his shixiong's nephew. (eg. he remarked to his shifu's grave about how alike fdb is to himself.) this is unlike with dfs whom he had taken a much longer time to build trust with. you do not apply trust - aka the quality of friendships - to family. family is something deeper, more instinctive than that. if fdb was never family, I find it hard to imagine given llh's personality, that he would have let some brazen, bratty stranger intrude for that long. (boy invited himself to llh's home, sat himself down eating the owner's dinner and nosing in his cooking abilities!!! ily bb but that was uncalled for 😭)

of course there are many more layers in their relationship. there is a substantial degree of their history as (unwitting) teacher-disciple: fdb is still healthy and alive all thanks to the existence of lxy as a spiritual teacher role model in his life, regardless it being one-sided or not. there is also indeed some part of friendship in it, especially from fdb's point of view. he sees llh as a kindred spirit who he could enjoy a life of freedom with for life. but llh never reciprocates. he knew this was short-lived. and so ultimately, the hierarchical layer of their relationship overpowers the equal one, where llh's treatment of fdb as a nephew/小辈 younger family member and a disciple is the one that sealed the fate of their relationship.

if (blood-based) familial ties are irrelevant in jianghu, then the closest proxy to a father-son relationship in the martial world would be a teacher-disciple relationship. lxy and his shifu are a clear, indisputable example. for fdb and llh, their teacher-disciple tie is murkier and not consistently applied. they were also never ritualised as teacher-disciple, and thus are not teacher-disciple in any official capacity as far as confucian ideas are concerned. yet in crucial moments, it is invoked by llh as a card of authority over fdb to get out of sticky situations with fdb. and there was their final scene together: in a moment of sincerity, llh gives the approval to fdb as his disciple - then entrusting fdb with the secret manual of his techniques, up until his final letter in which fdb was recommended to dfs as a successor to his martial abilities.

in an imperial setting, this would have been the relationship of an emperor and his crown prince that straddles both ruler-subject and father-son ties aka a tag-team of disaster. the teacher has an obligation to nurture his disciple as a successor to himself, and love him like a son too. on the flipside, he holds the final power in their relationship - withholding knowledge and feelings from the younger one. they are only equals in a way a parent-child can be. they are only equals as much as the parent allows. and this is how fdb got left behind in the dust of llh's departure. he was the child treating his parent like a friend, supporting him emotionally and begging to be loved back the same way he loves his parent - but the parent had a lifetime way ahead of him and stayed out of his reach, physically and emotionally.

llh and fdb operate with the trapping of a friendship but have always been family in the core. llh had known that way before fdb did, just like everything else he had known and put out of fdb's reach. because. fdb did not have to know. fdb is different and will forge his own path. and that's a kind of love llh has for him that nobody understands (in fact not even fdb himself) - one that is on a different plane from friendships.

by repurposing the framework of relational ties, mlc showed that the essence of familial relationships aka its intimacy and closeness can be independent from biology and formalised rituals. and it is important to myself for stories to say that people can build close ties and deeply meaningful relationships even without being born or ritualised into any.

then back to how these relational ties are inextricable from the conceptualisation of the 'self' in confucian worldview: the roles you play in these relationships are intended to define you. there is no 'self' independent from it. while the concept of a social, relational self is fully rooted in reality, being locked into social roles can be a painful way to live - a way that llh has experienced as lxy the sigu sect leader. so, in order for lxy/llh to realise a sense of self that exists outside the norms, it inevitably points to another way that requires a cut from these relationships. that is then the buddhist (or taoist) answer of looking past attachments to the world such as the confucian idea of relationships defining your being. only with a dissolution of a sense of 'self', can there be true liberation.

#莲花楼 #mysterious lotus casebook #lhlmeta #lhl #my posts #dihua #can't believe this is how i choose to spend an inordinate amt of my free time 😐😐 being a broken recorder of brainrot 😐#anw the handful of fanghua moments that have moved me are the ones that are about the unbridgeable gap between them as 长辈小辈 as 徒弟师父 #(me realising lxy telling fdb 这个徒弟我没有白收 actually drives me nuts)#me: a brainrot-level dihua shipper first and foremost. also me: dedicating more of this meta to fanghua than dihua #about how fanghua's relationship is its own unique kind in the story. equally deep as dihua. just in a wholly different way.#dihua are friends and married and familial. but fanghua is family through and through #-> tl;dr of this meta actually #i just have extremely strong feelings about fanghua as a complicated little family unit.#which is independent of “shipping” FOR ME. but for anyone else though you can make anything out of it.#(gotta admit i'm a bit antsy about posting this and is uncertain how it's gonna be read. bc my reading of fanghua is so specific...well)#anyways. obsessed with dihua appropriating the heteronormative rituals <3 #edit: I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO TALK ABOUT DIFANG aaaAAAGHHHHHHHHHH #but. it's true they're very purely friendship-based i think

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