I had a bit of a hard day today, thinking about my AvPD diagnosis and getting more into what it really means for me and how much it actually affects me, and how little resources I have since AvPD isn't researced much. I felt really set back on my recovery because of more things that I realized about myself and my struggles, but I have to remind myself it's not true. I've made a lot of progress, and as many say, recovery isn't linear.
Recovery, in fact, for anyone struggling with mental health, is like having a messy house. It can be anything from slightly cluttered to seemingly unsalvageable. And you're starting to clean it, and you're so overwhelmed- where do you even start? And maybe you only have a few cleaning supplies, like a paper towel and some soap and water.
But you should try cleaning anyway. Making the effort is better than doing nothing. And sometimes, you'll be able to find more cleaning supplies on the way to cleanliness that'll help aid you.
It doesn't end at cleaning, however. In order to have a clean house you must maintain it as clean so that it doesn't get bad again. And that's how I think recovery should work. It's a long process and it never stops- you'll always be working on yourself, and that's fine.
I know it's hard. I've been there, I am there right now on this day. Cleaning my house seems impossible right now. But it's okay to remind yourself that you can take breaks from cleaning to do other things that make you happy, or to quit temporarily if you're frustrated. That's fine, as long as you promise yourself to come back later.
Please hang in there. I know you'll be able to clean your house some day, even if it's a few years from now. It's always worth trying, you'll never get better if you don't try. And we all deserve to have a clean house.
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Nimona headcanons I wrote instead of sleeping
Sometimes the boys forget that Nimona isn’t human
Like they’re used to the shifting into animals aspect of Nimona because she does it as often as she breathes
But sometimes she’ll do some really creepy shit like make her arms longer to reach something when she’s too lazy to get up
One time they shifted just their neck to be like an owl so they could turn their head 180 degrees instead of just turning around cause that was “too boring”
Or he’ll mimic people’s voices without realizing it
Sometimes he’ll tell a story and suddenly he’s using Bal’s voice
The first time she did this Bal searched the whole house cause he was convinced that Todd has snuck in
Or she’ll grow an extra arm to hold more shit and they take a moment to realize “oh yeah we adopted a little weirdo”
They get used to it after a while and the arguments surrounding it are always funny because both the boys will complain and say “I don’t sound like that” and they have to be told “No love you do you really do”
You know those videos of babies reacting to their parents shaving their facial hair or putting on glasses
That’s Nimona's reaction every single time the boys change their appearance even the smallest bit they cant shave or wear their reading glasses because if they do he freaks out
Talking some “help me Nemesis I heard bosses voice but I can’t find him” while Bal was standing right in front of them
It was the first time he shaved his face in years and he’s never doing it again
Mostly cause Ambrosius kept telling him he looked like a teenager and it was freaking him out
I feel like Bal and Ambrosius are those kinds of people who will tell people about the little injuries but neglect the big ones
Like Bal mentioned that he thinks he sprained his ankle during the fight at the institute but he won’t mention that he’s pretty sure he got a concussion
(BECAUSE THIS MAN HEAD-BUTTED TWO PEOPLE WHEN HE HAS A METAL ARM)
(I’m bout to wrap this man in bubble wrap and give him a helmet because wtf)
Ambrosius will complain the whole day about the fact that he has a paper cut
But will completely neglect to inform his doctors “Oh yeah I can’t move my left arm higher than my waist without pain and I can’t see that well out of my left eye or hear that well out of my left ear do you think that’ll be a problem?”
It isn’t until Nimona makes an off handed comment about how this super weird that the laser did basically nothing to him that he told both of them
They literally dragged him to the ER because “Who thinks those symptoms are normal Nemesis what is wrong in that pretty little head of yours!!”
When Bal tells Nimona she’s being a bit of a hypocrite (cause who refers to an arrow as a splinter?) she turns to him and says “I know you’re not saying something Mr. Human battering ram”
It took literally everything in Ambrosius not to break down laughing
After that she forces them to have frequent checkups with the doctor because these dorks wouldn’t go otherwise
Honestly I'm fully convinced that some people in the kingdom don't know who Nimona is and are constantly confused why they let this little weirdo follow them around
And finally the curiosity will eat away at them and they’ll finally ask
Sometimes the boys will give some “normal” answers like “Oh that’s Nimona” and they won’t elaborate at all
Sometimes they’ll give funnier answers like “Oh that’s a raccoon we found in the garage who turned into a person one day” “I don’t know they just showed up in our living room” and their personal best “You see her too?”
And their favorite that they only started using a couple of years down the line “Oh that’s our kid”
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Seventh Day of Gift-Giving: Seven Nights
Prompt: Light fell through the window, illuminating the couple lying in bed, entangled with each other and perfectly content with it.
The two idiots in love have also been idiots in the kitchen, but not for much longer! 💞
~
After all the food-related disasters, their dinner date had been nothing but lovely, if simple: arriving at the restaurant, it had turned out someone working there knew Olli from one of their music projects back in their conservatoire days and had happily arranged a table for them at the back of the dining hall, hidden away from the hustle and bustle of the restaurant. There they were left in peace to chat about everything that crossed their minds, to make each other giggle by “stealing” food from each other’s plates, or just to sit in silence, finding deep comfort in each other’s easy company. The atmospheric lighting of the restaurant had made Olli’s expression look especially soft, and if they hadn’t, in spite of everything, been in public, Aleksi wouldn’t have hesitated scooting his chair next to Olli’s to whisper sweet nothings into his ear or pull him in for a long kiss, one he had been dying to give him the entire evening.
That was why, after having picked up Rilla from Tommi’s temporary dog daycare, Aleksi was more than happy to be back at Olli’s again, because he couldn’t have pushed Olli against the door to crash their mouths together at the restaurant, could he?
It seemed Olli shared the sentiment, as he was quick to undress Aleksi of his overcoat and wrap his arms around Aleksi’s waist to pull him close, never breaking the kiss but instead smiling into it.
“Thanks for the date night,” Aleksi said, pulling his mouth apart from Olli’s just enough to form the words before savouring the taste of Olli’s bottom lip again. He could still detect traces of the chocolatey dessert they had enjoyed.
“The best idea we’ve had all week, huh?” Olli’s speech was but slur, with Aleksi nibbling on his lips with great appetite despite having just dined the better part of evening; now, he was ravenous for something else entirely.
“The best idea we’ve had all week so far,” Aleksi murmured in turn. He hoped Olli would get his hint and was rewarded when the shade of Olli’s eyes darkened and his sighs against Aleksi’s lips, cheek and neck became more shallow, more greedy.
It seemed Tommi had done an impeccable job at activating Rilla all evening, since the dog wasted no time in making herself a nest in her little dog bed and was already settled in by the time Aleksi and Olli stumbled in the bedroom. Aleksi made a mental note of buying Tommi a beer as a thanks the next time they’d hang out, because Rilla’s sleepiness made it possible for him to grab Olli by his hips and gently guide him straight towards the bed, all the while leaving small, soft kisses on his lips.
Throughout the whole dinner, Aleksi’s mind had kept wandering to how amazing it had felt to hold Olli close and keep him there without the fear of rejection, to kiss him without alcohol clouding his judgement or regret banging the door at the back of his head; he was only just beginning to wrap his head around it all. Even now, with Olli’s body pressed against his, eagerly echoing every movement of Aleksi’s own, Aleksi almost wanted to stop and pinch himself to make sure it wasn’t all just another unattainable fantasy, a daydream that would turn into a nightmare when Aleksi would realise that was all it was: nothing but wishful thinking of a fool who had gone and fallen for a friend.
As if reading his thoughts, Olli let their final kiss linger unnecessarily long before he opened his eyes to look up into Aleksi’s. His pupils were dilated and his eyelids hooded, but his hands were no longer roaming Aleksi’s backside aimlessly but instead slowly caressing his neck and chest before grabbing Aleksi by his shirt and pulling him on top of himself as they fell on the bed.
After the brief interruption, their mouths found the same rhythm effortlessly as a familiar feeling began to set in Aleksi’s lower stomach. Underneath him, Olli let out a long moan, his voice low – and insanely sexy, might Aleksi add – but just as Aleksi had begun to subtly roll his hips against Olli’s, his efforts were interrupted by Olli’s hand on his pelvis and his lips withdrawing from Aleksi's own.
“Aleksi, ummmm…” For one terrifying second, Aleksi paralysed in fear of having done the wrong thing or having misinterpreted Olli’s cues. Olli must have sensed this, for he immediately flashed him a reassuring smile and brought his face closer so their foreheads were touching.
“Is it okay if we just sleep tonight? Let’s just… not rush things, yeah? We’ve got time, don’t we?”
The relief almost brought tears to Aleksi’s eyes.
(And maybe it did for real, but just a little, mind you.)
“Yeah,” Aleksi nodded, his nose nudging Olli’s. “We’ve got time.”
Suddenly feeling exhausted (perhaps it was the stress from all the bottled-up pining finally pouring out of him all at once), Aleksi slumped next to Olli on the bed with a quiet oof, careful not to alarm Rilla. Olli turned to his side to face him, his fingers stroking the exposed parts of Aleksi’s hands below the rolled-up sleeves of his sweater. He seemed particularly fascinated by the tattoos on Aleksi’s forearm, tracing them with his fingers. The touch was just soothing enough for Aleksi to ignore that they should maybe change into something more comfortable before they’d cuddle each other to sleep, but then Olli’s lips began to slowly work their magic on Aleksi's own again, so he really wasn’t in the mindset to care all that much.
“Can I help you undress though?” Olli asked him after a series of long, slow, mind-blowing kisses.
As if Aleksi was ever going to say ‘no’ to that.
Once they had successfully (although not without tired giggles) removed each other’s shirts, they spent a good while taking turns at mouthing one another’s bare neck, shoulders and chest with all the care and love they could possibly put in such a gesture. It would have been easy, oh, so easy, to grab Olli with a little more intent, a little more craving, and resume what they had almost started, but Aleksi pushed aside his desires because he did agree with Olli: now that they were finally here, lost in each other’s touch, there was no more rush, no more fear of it all slipping through their fingers. Even when they were already stripped down to just their underwear, with Olli’s bulge pressing against his, Aleksi was content in having Olli by his side exactly like this.
“You’re so fucking lovely, I want you so much,” he told him, the words out of his mouth before he had a chance to evaluate just how sappy and desperate they sounded. Lucky for him, Olli didn’t seem to mind terribly.
When their kisses grew lazier and their hands found peace at last, fingers intertwined, Olli’s soft voice spoke from the dark.
“I want you too. So fucking much. Just… just so you know.”
Such simple words, yet they took Aleksi’s breath away.
I know now, he would’ve said if he had been capable of talking in that moment. Instead he left a light kiss on Olli’s fingers, hoping it might be enough of an answer. Under the touch, the fingers clasped on to Aleksi’s hand tighter, only softening their grip when Olli fell into a peaceful sleep.
‘The best idea we’ve had all week, huh?’ Olli's remark echoed in Aleksi's head.
Sure, Aleksi had agreed then, but if Olli would’ve brought it up again now, Aleksi would’ve answered differently.
The best idea we’ve had? This. Us.
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Cyrus was wrong for his methods and for depriving people of choice, but was he really wrong about much else? Life is painful. Most days you’re unhappy pretty much every second you’re awake, trying to enjoy yourself is a waste of time because you feel just as bad the second it’s over, and anything that does make you numb for more than an hour hurts your health. Emotions are important to make sure we survive and care for our young, but is it worth it? If Cyrus offered everyone the choice to join his perfect world, I think a lot of people would take it.
this is why i genuinely connected with cyrus in many ways tbh, because i saw the worst of my depression reflected in a character with desperation i could understand. in those times, all you want is safety, you want things to just stop, and your emotions get so bad you think, in fact, it would be better to trade both happiness and pain away. and when you're grieved (as i believe cyrus is), it brings out this constant, awful anticipation where you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. something terrible happened, and something terrible will happen again because now you've lost your sense of safety. it's wild how much that eats you up inside, and that's what i saw in cyrus - this guy is only in his 20s and he's just barely hanging on because he's been so badly hurt, he feels so alienated from his own emotions AND no one's ever been able to connect well with him (nor him connect with others) and like. OOF did i get that!!! at the end of the day, cyrus's motivation was literally just to see no more pain. he was done with all the hurt inflicted on both humans and pokemon, and i think you're right in saying many probably would actually see it his way because we've been hurt too, we've been in so much pain and so isolated that we understand this in a way some other people can't.
BUT i do just want to say i totally understand where you're coming from anon and i know life is hard, especially right now. my mental health has been suffering, i've been feeling my depression more and more, but i want you to know you're not alone in what you feel. honestly i'm so grateful we have characters like cyrus to connect with because it shows, through media, that someone else gets it - i've said over and over i'm a sucker for happy endings, which is why i'm so happy he got that in pokespe. cyrus has so much love in him (so much gratitude at being proven wrong!!! like!!!) and when it was recognized by shaymin, it hit me so hard i wanted to cry!! he gets to live, to take care of his team (his friends, really) and he gets the ending he actually deserved because there isn't truly evil in cyrus imo, just pain and desperation. so i want to hope we can be happy too, that life will get better, and i think that's absolutely true no matter how hard it can be to believe at times. i hope you can take good care of yourself anon <3
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WIP Wednesday
Tagged by @sheirukitriesfandom, thank you! I tag @nostalgic-breton-girl, @dirty-bosmer, and @boethiahspillowbook. : )
Have a morning-in-the-Worldwound snippet:
Isanna woke at dawn—or what passed for dawn in the Worldwound—out of habit rather than any clear indication of sunlight. She readied herself in all but her assorted plate armor and grabbed her scimitar, then crawled out of her tent and made her way to the small cliff at the edge of the camp.
She took a deep, cleansing breath and opened her heart to her goddess, then began the series of exercises that served both as practice and prayer, martial art and meditation. When she had gone three-quarters through the routine, she saw Regill approach from the corner of her eye, but gave no indication that she had noticed save to allow herself a small smile that lingered on her lips until she was finished.
“Good morning, Regill,” she said, sheathing her scimitar without looking at him. He moved to her side as she sat on her heels, and she turned to him with a smile to let him know she hadn’t minded him watching. “When was the last time you saw the sun rise outside of the Worldwound?”
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