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medicbrainrot · 11 months

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i don’t know much but there’s no weight at all

Task Force 141 was eating breakfast together in the mess hall, when Simon showed up a few minutes late…

Artemis tilts her head at him, a concerned look on her face: “Simon? Are you alright?”

Simon nodded yes and walked over to the table. He sat down on the seat next to her and leaned forward with his elbows propped up. He smiled and spoke in a calm, quiet voice.

“I’m fine, Artemis.” He said as if nothing was wrong. Artemis could always see straight through him, but for now he hoped she would believe his words, since he rarely opened up about how he felt.

“Are you sure?” she asks, placing her hand on his forehead, “you’re looking kinda…pale”.

Simon chuckled and shook his head. He leaned his head into her hand and looked up at her, giving her a comforting smile, eyes crinkling through his mask, although she could tell the smile was forced. He was tired of hiding how he felt all the time.

“I’m fine, I promise.” He said softly, closing his eyes but tilting his head to the side to lean into her touch to get a little bit of comfort.

“You’re not coming down with something, are you?” she asks softly.

Simon opened his eyes and turned back towards the table as he sighed. Artemis always had a way with making sure people were okay, which Simon always found quite comforting.

“I’ll be fine, Temi.” He said softly, giving a little half nod.

“Don’t worry” he paused and thought for a second before speaking up again, his voice lower than usual, “but… I should probably talk to you about something…”

“Yeah, what’s up? Do you want to talk here or somewhere else?” she asks quietly

Simon opened his mouth for a second before closing it again. He looked up at his girlfriend and nodded.

“Can we talk in my quarters? Away from everyone else… you’re the only one I feel safe talking to about this kind of stuff…” he paused and took a deep breath before continuing.

“I have something that’s…been bothering me lately… something that I need to share with someone…”

“Of course, grab something to eat while I clean my stuff up, and I’ll meet you at the door.” She nods to the end of the mess hall room.

“Okay” he nodded and got up to grab a tray and some food before walking to the other side of the room. Once he got there, he sat down, lifted up his mask, and started to eat. While he ate, he thought about what he was about to tell Artemis. He wasn’t sure how she was going to react. The one thing he knew for sure is that he could always trust her.

She sat down next to him while she waited for him to eat. “I’m ready to go to your room when you are” she smiles softly

Simon nodded at her and smiled. He put his fork down and pushed his plate away from him. He sighed and stood up, sliding the mask back down, before looking over at her again.

“I’m ready to go.” He said calmly. He turned his head in the direction of his room and waved his hand to tell her to follow him.

She took his hand and gently rubbed her thumb across the back of his palm while they walked.

Simon felt a chill run down his spine when he felt Artemis’ soft touch on the back of his hand. He looked down at her and smiled softly. When they finally got to his room, he closed the door behind them and leaned back against it for a moment. He slipped off the mask entirely, setting it on the desk. He looked back at her and nodded.

“I’m sorry for bringing you here so suddenly… I just needed someone I could trust.” he paused and sighed before letting out a soft chuckle. “The thing I wanted to talk about… it may sound silly to some people…”

“No, it’s okay, I’m here to listen and help as much as I can” Artemis smiles gently at him.

Simon nodded softly. After taking a moment to take a deep breath, he let out another sigh before speaking again.

“Lately…I’ve been feeling…empty…I know I’m supposed to act tough all the time and to never worry about anything and to just…deal with it…but after everything I went through, and everything I witnessed and had to do, it’s gotten hard not to feel something other than sad a lot of times… You’re the only person I trust enough to let everything out like this.”

“Why don’t we sit down, this is a sitting down type of conversation.” She takes his hand and leads him to the bed, prompting both of them to sit. “How long have you been feeling like this?”

Simon nodded and followed her over to the bed. He sat down on the bed and took a deep breath before thinking back to when everything had started happening.

“It’s been going on for a while now…” he paused and sighed, “maybe about six months or so. And it’s been getting worse as of recently… Every time I think about what I did in the past, every time I think about something I witnessed, or every time I think about how I had to lose some people. It all just makes me feel guilty.”

“Ok,” Artemis nods softly, “was there a specific event that made you feel like this, or has it been building up?”

Simon paused for a moment and thought of the question. He knew exactly what moment had caused it. The day he lost his entire team during a mission in Brazil. He took a deep breath and spoke quietly.

“It was the day I lost most of my team… we had a mission in Rio. We knew it was dangerous, and we expected something to go wrong… but when we first came in contact with the enemy, I had to witness the people I called my brothers die right in front of me…”

“I remember when you came back from that mission.” Artemis says quietly. “Do you feel guilty for being the only one who came home?”

Simon nodded his head. Guilt and shame were the only things he felt for himself after that day. He felt like a complete failure for letting his team down, even though there was nothing he could have done to change what happened.

“I feel so horribly guilty…that I'm the only one that made it out… I couldn’t do anything to help them…to change what happened… it’s hard to not see myself as a failure for that reason…”

“Simon, are you familiar with the concept of Survivor's guilt?”

“Survivor’s guilt… you mean the feeling some people get when they survive something that their friends or family didn’t?” He paused and looked up at her, waiting for her to continue. He wasn’t really familiar with the term.

“Yes, but it’s a little more complex than that.” She says softly. “It’s used to describe situations where someone feels intensely guilty for surviving something that others didn’t, even though there were circumstances out of their control.”

Simon nodded and listened to what she said. He agreed with what she said about Survivor’s guilt, because everything she said described how he felt ever since that day in Brazil.

“Yeah, I guess that’s how I feel…” He paused for a second before continuing. “It’s like my mind won’t stop going back to that day over and over again, all night, every day… I can’t make it stop, and it’s driving me insane…”

“I want you to try and think logically for a second, okay? I’m going to walk you through a couple of questions, and I want you to try to think logically through them.” Artemis says.

Simon nodded his head and looked at Artemis. He took a deep breath to calm himself down before speaking to her.

“Okay, I should be able to think logically.” He paused. “Go ahead.” He spoke softly, trying to act calm. “I’m ready”

“Were you and your team briefed on what was supposed to happen for the mission?”

“Yes, we were. We were fully briefed on the mission. It was our job to go in there and get rid of anybody who was a suspected insurgent, and to retrieve intel. That’s what we were there for.” He paused and took a deep breath. “We knew what we were getting into. It’s just… we never expected it to go like that…”

“Ok, try to give me shorter answers.” She says gently.

“Was anyone who did not want to go given a chance to back out?”

Simon nodded and looked her in the eyes as he spoke. He tried his best to follow her advice and answer her questions in as few words as he could.

“Yes. Nobody was forced to go. Everyone who went wanted to go. None of them wanted to sit it out, so we all went together.”

“Ok. Did you as lieutenant make sure that your team was ready and had everything they needed prior to stepping off?”

Simon nodded and looked at her before answering.

“Yes. We all had our equipment and we all made sure our guns were checked, everything was good to go. We made sure we were all ready and prepared for anything that could happen. And at the last minute, before we flew out, we all made sure everyone knew their roles and responsibilities.”

“Ok. Did you as lieutenant work to the best of your ability to lead your team?”

“Absolutely. I did everything I could to keep them all safe and alive. I tried to keep them focused on the mission, and I guided them as best I could while we were there. I told them to stay together throughout the entire mission and I told them to keep our eyes open.” He paused and frowned. “I really tried my best to keep them safe and get them all out alive… but that didn’t happen…”

“Ok, shorter answers love, remember? We’re trying to think logically here.”

“Right…” He trailed off for a second.

“I did everything I could, I really did. I did everything a leader is supposed to do.” He paused again and looked down at the floor before speaking again. “But it just wasn’t enough…”

“Ok. I want you to say what you just said, again, minus the last part.”

He took a deep breath and looked up at her. He took a second to think of it again before replying.

“I did everything I could, I really did. I did everything a leader is supposed to do.”

He paused for another second before speaking.

“I just didn’t do everything right enough… I should have done more… I should have been better at what I did…”

“Simon, just say it again, but don’t add anything, just the first two sentences.” She says, squeezing his hands gently.

Simon sighed and then looked back up at her. He took another deep breath before speaking again, trying to stay calm.

“I did everything I could. I did everything a leader is supposed to do.”

“Say it one more time for me.”

Simon groaned and let out a deep sigh, but did as she asked him to. He wasn’t quite sure where this was going, but he went along with it for now.

“I did everything I could. I did everything a leader is supposed to do.”

He let it sink in for a second, waiting for her to speak.

“Ok, good. When everything went south, did you still do everything you could, yes or no?”

Simon nodded his head.

“When things went bad…yes I did, with what I had. I did everything I could do when things took a turn for the worst… even if it wasn’t enough…” He paused for a second and then spoke again. “Yes, I did all I could, even though it wasn’t enough.”

“Just yes or no, Si. When things went bad, did you still do everything you could?”

Simon nodded his head and spoke.

“Yes. Yes, I did my best all the way through. I tried to save them… it just wasn’t enough. Even though I did all I could, it wasn’t enough…” He paused for a second and took a deep breath. “When they died, I couldn’t do anything to stop it, or to save them…”

“Simon, sweetheart,” She places her hands gently on his face. “Just answer yes or no, please. When things went south, did you do everything you could?”

Simon nodded his head.

“Yes…yes I did… I know I'm repeating myself, but I just want to make that clear… I’m sorry.” He paused for a moment before speaking again. “When things went sideways, even though I had very little time, I did everything I could to save them.”

“Ok, repeat after me: ‘I did everything I could’.”

Simon was confused, but he knew that she was trying to help him, so he did as she asked.

“I did everything I could.”

“Say it again”

Simon was confused why he kept repeating that sentence, but he continued to speak.

“I did everything I could” he said calmly.

“One more time” she says as she presses a kiss to his forehead.

“I did everything I could…” He repeated that sentence once again, like she asked. Artemis’ touch felt comforting, and it felt like he needed that kind of comfort more than he had needed it in a long time.

“When everything went south, did you do everything you could?” she asks softly

He nodded his head, trying his best to keep his anger and his sadness down.

“Yes…yes I did.” He paused again and sighed, trying to keep himself in check. “When things went south, I did everything I could.” He repeats, trying his best to keep his cool.

“Something as big as this takes time to work through, but part of it is learning to be nice to yourself, and acknowledging that you did everything you could in the situation.” she says quietly

Simon stayed quiet for a moment. That did make him feel a little bit better than he had previously. It was the first time in a long time that someone had told him he had done everything he could. Hearing that from Artemis made it seem true.

Simon let out a deep sigh and smiled softly.

“Thank you Temi… I needed someone to say that to me… for a long time now…”

“Of course Simon.” She gently kisses his forehead again. “Survivor’s guilt is something that takes time to work through, but it is possible.”

She gently caresses his cheek. “You are a great leader, and leadership comes with responsibility for your team. But that includes yourself too. Don’t forget that.”

Simon smiled softly as he looked up at her. She always knew how to calm him down in situations like this. She was one of the few people who could make him feel at ease, and he was glad to have her there.

“Thank you… I need to do better for myself, honestly. I always put myself last, and that’s probably not the healthiest way to live my life.” He paused and sighed. “I’ll try to do better… I just hope that someday I can forgive myself…”

“It’ll take time, but I’m here. I’ll be here every step of the way. If you want to talk, cry, scream, yell, or fight someone about it, I’m here.”

Simon sighed and looked over at her. He nodded his head and spoke softly.

“Thank you , Artemis… You really have no idea what your words have meant to me… If I need to vent about it again, I know I can come to you.” He spoke softly and smiled, looking into her kind eyes, seeing the care for him behind her gaze.

“That’s part of loving someone Simon, is being there for all of it, the good and the bad.” She presses a soft kiss to his cheek.

Simon smiled as she kissed him once more, feeling himself grow calmer as he was comforted by Artemis.

“Yes…yes it is…” he spoke softly. “And I really do truly love you, my sweet girl. Thank you for always being here for me. Your kind words have meant the world to me, more than you could possibly know.”

She smiles gently at him “do you have anything else you want to talk about while we’re here?”

Simon thought for a moment.

“I have to say, I’ve always been afraid to bring this up… but there’s one more thing that haunts me about that operation. I’ve kept it hidden out of shame… but I wanted to tell you now that things are moving along…”

He paused for a moment, taking another deep breath.

“There’s one thing I did that I never told you about… One of the men I killed wasn’t an insurgent. He was an innocent civilian.” He spoke quietly.

“Was it an accident?”

Simon nodded his head.

“Yeah, it was an accident. He was caught in the crossfire when I was trying to take down a suspected insurgent. I didn’t mean to pull the trigger, it was an accident… but I still ended up taking the life of an innocent person. And nothing changes that…” He paused for a moment. “It still bothers me…”

“It wasn’t your fault. It’s the unfortunate nature of warfare, sometimes innocent people get caught up in conflict” she brushes her hand down his face gently. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Simon sighed and let out a deep breath. He was disappointed in himself, and he felt it to his core, but what Artemis said was the cold hard truth of it.

“You’re right… it’s the nature of war.. It could happen to anyone…” He paused and shook his head. “I still wish I hadn't though.. I wish I hadn't been the one to take that man’s life… but I was, and it’s still a part of my past that I have to live with…”

“We’ve all done things we wish we hadn’t. It’s part of being human. But another part of being human is allowing ourselves the grace to move on, to move forwards.” She says gently, reaching down to squeeze one of Simon’s hands.

Simon nodded his head and squeezed her hand back… She was right, and what she was saying was the truth. Humans did make mistakes, and it was part of human nature to do the wrong thing sometimes. And people deserved grace and they deserved to forgive themselves.

“I’m going to try to be kinder to myself…” He paused and sighed. “You’re right…”

“It’s hard to be kind to yourself sometimes.” She says softly. “But you of all people deserve kindness.”

Simon smiled and spoke softly.

“Thank you.” he paused for a moment and then continued. “It’s hard for me because I tend to hold myself to higher expectations than I should… but you’re right, I have to allow myself some kindness.” He sighed. “And I have to remind myself that I’m just a human, and as humans, we all make mistakes. We live and we learn from them.”

“We live and we learn.” Artemis repeats softly, nodding her head.

Simon smiled and nodded.

“And the best thing we can do is learn from ourselves and not make the same mistakes in the future… that’s what i should be focusing on…” He paused and sighed. “I really have you to thank for that. Your words have helped me to realize that I might always regret the lives I had ended in the past, but I’ve learned from it, and I should continue to learn and focus on the future.”

“Exactly, and if there's days where you find it hard to be kind to yourself, I can be nice enough for the both of us” she says, finally pressing a kiss to his lips.

Simon was taken by surprise, and he blushed as she kissed his lips once again. It was sweet, so much love between those two. He gently kissed her back and smiled, feeling himself become calmer each time she kissed him.

“I don’t think anyone could ever be as kind and gentle and sweet as you, love.” He said softly.

“I love you Simon,” She whispers, “never let yourself forget that.”

“I love you too, my sweet girl…” He whispered and smiled softly. He loved how much effort she was putting into this. She was truly kind and gentle, and he wanted to thank her for it all.

“I will never forget that as long as I breathe. It’s a fact I will carry with me to the grave.”

“Good.” she smiles as she kisses him again.

Simon smiled and met her kiss, wrapping his arms around the beautiful girl and pulling her in for as long as she wanted. He truly loved her more than anyone else in the world. He was so lucky to have her, and he wanted everyone to know just how lucky he was to have a girl like her.

A/N: Thanks for reading! Likes, reblogs, and feedback are appreciated!

Masterlist

#simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley x reader #hurt/comfort #cod mw2 #simon riley x oc #honestly i just want to give this man a hug #also this is unedited #so sorry if it isn't great #it's 3:30am and my brain is fried #can you tell i was listening to 'something in the orange' while writing this?#except it's the instrumental version by philip bowen #absolute masterpiece of a rendition #3530 words of hurt and comfort #gotta love the brainrot #simon ghost riley

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