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milgram-tournament · 3 months

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MILGRAM Best Song Tournament, Round 2, Match 3 MAGIC vs. MEME

Propaganda for both options under the cut!

Propaganda for MAGIC:

MAGIC MY BELOVED MAGIC!!! Its one of the best MVs in the entire series, even including T2. Magic is visually stunning and has some fantastic art direction but also is very clever in how it conveys its themes and ideas. Magic doesn't really hide anything from you, not really. It's all symbolic but it Tells You Things. It shows you the abuse, it shows you the cat. There's a fun little relationship going on here where, In Magic. Amane's pain and suffering isn't taken seriously by the people around her and the Audience we are discouraged to take it at face value due to the fictionalized nature of Magic. It's so cool. I'm so fond of the song as well, it's one of the best in the series purely cause of the Layers in it. The implications of this Inability to be good is seeped into Magic. Amane knows this isn't reality, Magic knows it's a show, she watches it at the end. And it's so Sad to me that even in her fictionalized happy world she Cannot be a good girl. It's a standard completely out of reach for her and that idea is just conveyed so well visually.

Im not even talking about the goddamn cat yet- the cat symbolism goes Deep. That cat is HER it has the same wounds Amane has in Purge March. I- I cant talk about the intertextuality of Purge March and Magic here this is Magic propaganda only- I- there's so much good stuff to Magic. I Re watched it over and over again. It has some the Best Writing and Visual Communication in Milgram and I will Die on this Hill.

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shoutout to magic for having pretty props AND being vague as fuck about the crime! diversity win!

seriously though amane looks SO cute in it! the mv has such a pretty and colorful style and even with that it's able to show the horrors of what amane went through.

adding onto my last point. that scene where the cat is hyperventilating and you see the camera shaking???? that scene where the mascots find amane helping the cat and they're all standing over her? CHILLS. im repeating myself but the fact that they were able to portray the awful things amane went through in a genuinely emotional way while still keeping the cute cartoon look is soo impressive

there are SO many layers to itill the entire cartoony style making it look like a tv show… utilizing the cartoony effects and bright colors to show amane downplaying her own pain… the transformation after she gets punished barely changing anything to show just how manipulated she was from the start… ueueueue

ALSO ALSO ALSO THE SCENE AT THE END WITH AMANE STARING AT THE SCENE? OHHH ITS SO GOOD it adds such a feeling of dread and reminds you on top of this whole thing that all of this is truly horrifying! something is going on here!

this song is so catchy it gets stuck in my head CONSTANTLY

"Dear wise one, Am I worthy? Is it ok to spoil myself?" AMANE... UEUEUUEUE

the little ding sound effects in the instrumental?????

amanes voice is ADORABLE

THE INSTRUMENTAL IN THAT PART WHERE SHES HELPING THE CAT HAS THAT GODLY TYPE SOUND YOUD TYPICALLY ASSOCIATE WITH CHURCHES AND STUFF AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT PROPERLY BUT JUST RELISTEN TO IT AND YOU WILL KNOW WHAT I MEAN. ITS SUCH A NEAT DETAIL

i could go on about this mv for days but i am not a theorist unfortunately. just. magic sweep

Propaganda for MEME:

"MeMe is fantastic because it plays off the audience’s assumptions about Mikoto as a character and tells a “double story”. There’s layers to it and it’s deliberately deceptive in the way it presents the events out of order. Even the instrumentals themselves tell a story. The shift from piano in the second chorus climax is so good - and the way they combine in the last chorus, plus the addition of a violin culminates the song perfectly."

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"For propaganda: I love meme so much because even the music alone tells as whole story. It goes from heavy metal to calm to heavy metal to calm and that happens a few times and then there’s an epic and creepy intermission with an amazing guitar and a scary of sound of Mikoto’s heavy breathing. And then the psychedelic music and BAM the final chorus. The final chorus of meme just gives me the absolute chills. Like it’s the calmer chorus we see earlier but with epic symphonic metal and an amazing build up and climax like it’s perfectly encapsulates a story through music alone I just love it so much. Also it’s literally called meme lmao."

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"I could go on about the motifs in MeMe - like identity loss, living and dying, dreaming etc. It's a song, more than with any other character, about the inner self and what hides from the surface. Of the fear that comes with one's identity and place in the world being challenged and crumbling. The intricate designs on the tarot cards have so much depth to them"

#milgramtournament #milgram #amane momose #momose amane #mikoto kayano #kayano mikoto

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yellowloid · 1 year

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Why do you think Alex and Miles fought in 2018? In my opinion between two there is nothing but a simple friendship and nothing else

hi!!

the reason i think there was a falling out between alex and miles after the eycte era and ESPECIALLY in 2018 is because of how radically their interactions changed after the end of their 2016 tour.

if you only consider them as strictly platonic friends (which is completely fine) then you're probably not gonna agree with what i'm about to say - which, if you follow me on this blog, you probably already know lmao. and that is the fact that in my opinion the making of eycte and then specifically the actual tour was a turning point in their relationship, and it was clear even from an outsider's pov that something was going on between them. the actual nature of what was actually going on is and will probably forever be a mystery, but the way they interacted, the way they were constantly on each other in every way you could possibly think of, the way you could feel so many different kinds of tension between them, and the way you could see the utter fondness and admiration written in their eyes every time they looked at each other... that was definitely something. again, we'll probably never know what it was, but it sure felt like love. the visceral kind, rare and special and so intense they both got completely swept off their feet by how strong it was. the depth of their connection was almost tangible, romantic or not, and that is clear by just watching any 2016 performance.

sure, their friendship had already been going strong for years, but... 2016 was just different. it felt different, intimate and exhilarating and electrifying for the both of them. you could just see it in their eyes, in the way they smiled their most genuine smiles back then. in the giggles and whispers and constant touching and looking at each other like they were each other's biggest, most precious treasure.

and then the tour ended, and it was deeply emotional and sad and it really felt like the end of an era.

they came back to their solo careers, and they were seen less and less with each other. from what we know, they also both suffered from writer's block for a while. then 2018 happened, and am came back with a very concept-oriented album, where everything that might be related to alex's private life is hidden under ten layers of obscure metaphors - and even then, we have no way of knowing how much of it is actually real and how much is just part of the whole concept. the only songs where he is a bit more direct are either """"love songs""""" (and very sad at that: see golden trunks and the ultracheese) or very introspective and personal ones (see anyways). on the other hand, miles came back with a very direct, very much heartbroken breakup album. also an implicit coming out album. also an album where every song screams of alex (i don't even need to give examples. it's literally every single one. the whole fucking album.)

regarding their private lives, miles entered his slut era while alex seemed to slowly start wasting away. my dude literally had a mental breakdown and shaved his head, he was not well fr. this was probably due to criticism of tbhc + him cheating on taylor most likely for a while before actually breaking up with her + getting stuck into a very shallow relationship with louise out of 1) self-flagellation and 2) search for a safe space (keeping up his straight persona, denying his identity and literally burying himself into the closet).

the majority of the milex fandom - me included - seems to agree that if we assume there was something romantic going on between them during the eycte era (possibly even before, but it definitely got to its intensity peak in 2016), after the tour ended things got complicated: miles wanted an actual committed relationship, while alex - back to the routine and having "woken up" from the dream that was the eycte tour - was already struggling to accept his identity, and when miles got serious he got scared and chickened out. so then miles tried to forget him (hence the slut era, but to no avail) while still trying to be his friend because of course they never really left each other's side, and that probably hurt like hell. everything miles could do was watch as alex slowly got eaten away by his own regret, fear, repression and self-hate. what i always say is that by doing what he did, alex broke both their hearts.

their interactions became so weird, too - la cigale 2018 being a prime example of peak cringe content, with them awkardly sharing the mic and alex literally fleeing the stage to run backstage to louise as soon as the song was over. you can't watch a random 2016 performance, then watch la cigale and be 100% convinced nothing happened in between those two years. something definitely switched between them.

my guess is that they never really got over each other, but their friendship did recover after reaching an all time low in 2018. i think now it's in much better condition, though not back to how it was before. they probably never got closure and they probably never will. they just... quietly long for each other and do nothing about it because they're both dumb fucking idiots.

they were indeed seen hanging out during summer 2020 if i rememver correctly, and then they were both at zack and lola's wedding last summer (we were ROBBED of a photo) and then back in... late july? (early august? or was it earlier?) we got that pic of alex at a bar with a fan and miles in the background. ofc this is just the "public" evidence we have of them hanging out and being on at least amicable terms, and who knows what really happens behind closed doors. i do believe they hang out as much as their busy schedules allow them to do. and obviously things aren't the same anymore because they clearly went through something, but what they have now isn't necessarily bad. they're still friends, and that's all that matters in the end.

obviously we don't really know what happened. we probably never will, and that's okay - because that's how it should be. we're not entitled to know anything about their private lives that they don't want us to know. let them figure out the nature of their relationship for themselves. as fans, we admire them for their music and we all enjoy the essence of their relationship with each other - their public dynamic and personas. and i think that we can all agree on the fact that their relationship is something they both cherish so much, so unique and heartwarming and beautiful that it's impossible not to be captivated by it, be it romantic or platonic.

#in conclusion: they should have crazy gay sex but they're dumb bitches your honor #milex #answered

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inaweek-project · 1 month

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March 23, 2024

About the “‘In a Week’ Project”

I get stuck every time I try to write this because all the details beside the main message seem so frivolous.

The song “In a Week” has always elicited strong images whenever I listened. The same movie would play in my head, but with slightly different details each time: skeletons laying peacefully in an open grave at the top of a hill; no, there was a picnic first, then the slow decay; actually, the scene should play in reverse, so the bones grow flesh and skin…

Two months after October 2023, I was getting high in a bath on my birthday and listening to the song. The story was no longer about the passing of time or decomposing next to a lover. The persistent imagery that played in my mind from then on morphed into a story about a choice a young fictional couple made while facing a horrific situation that no one should ever have to go through, but many real people did and many still do.

Everything in my life is now about Palestine.

I’m Palestinian, born and raised in America after my grandparents (that’s how recent this all is) were displaced due to settler colonialism during the Nakba in 1948. I gave up on the dream to visit the area where my family is from a long time ago. (In fact, I don’t think I ever seriously dreamt of it because it felt so impossible.) Gaza has reignited that dream and gave me the determination to dedicate my life to fighting for our right to return. I will do anything to take advantage of this unprecedented support we now have from around the world.

I’m constantly learning horrors, both new and of the past. There is always something new to learn in the worst way possible. There is nothing Zionists can do that will shock me; they have shown they are capable of doing things rooted in the deepest levels of evil. What makes everything so much worse is the lack of accountability and how they have the audacity to act like the victims. I often get frustrated in my efforts to help on the American front; I let my shyness and anxiety get in the way of doing even the simplest of things to help. This project is a way to use my strengths (writing) to help spread the truth about our history and show the abject horrors that have been overlooked for decades. They benefit from the denial of the Nakba and from the overall lack of knowledge.

I hope this “‘In a Week’ project” is interesting enough to get people to read it and at the same time learn the details of what ethnic cleansing looks like (and the deplorable people who do it with pride.) The one takeaway I want to make sure is known is that even though this was inspired by a heartbreaking love song and has elements of the romance genre, it is not a romantic story.

The reference page (to come) that lists what parts of the story are based on real events that Palestinians have gone through is the most important part of this whole project.

The true face of Zionism is rearing its ugly head and is finally starting to fall, all by their own doing. There is no argument to be made; I only have to show what has already been done.

Again:

This is not about romance or romantic love.

Every detail shows a bit of truth.

The Project:

I call this a “project” because I wrote this story two different ways, a short story and script. The similarities will be obvious at first, but then the script goes deeper into the horrors of ethnic cleansing and settler colonialism. This is where the majority of the historical context comes in. I think I went further with the script than the short story because I see this project in terms of imagery that should unnerve people, and I think the best, most direct way to do that would be on-screen visuals.

I will probably do 3 versions of each: one with no callouts or notes, one with endnotes and references, and one with annotations where I explain everything (just because I love to do that.) There are 3 important dates coming up that I will (hopefully) use as my deadlines: March 30th is Land Day, April 9th is when the Deir Yassin Massacre took place, and May 15th, the day the Nakba is commemorated.

What’s making me drag my feet on this project is having to look up the sources and read more about the Nakba. I don’t know how much more I can take.

Fears:

I’m actually not helping.

This story only comes off as romanizing the Nakba and fucks up the narrative of Palestinians and the history in a way I didn’t see, and I become a disgrace.

People’s only take away is the romantic tragedy element.

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hawthornesbiggestfan · 4 months

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this is my 3rd alisa post, but who tf cares.

here are songs that remind me of her and why! (mostly taylor swift but u should've seen that coming)

1. you're losing me (from the vault) by taylor swift.

“and i wouldn't marry me either, a pathological people pleaser, who only wanted you to see her„

tell me thats not alisa. tell me alisa doesn't feel insecure bcs of how her relationship w nash ended. tell me she isnt a people pleaser who does every for the validation of others. go on, ill give you time.

2. right where you left me by taylor swift.

“help, im still at the restaurant, still sitting in the corner i haunt, cross-legged in the dim light, they say 'what a sad sight'„

other than grayson, alisa is probably another tig character who's still stuck in the past. just like how grayson still thinks abt emily, im sure alisa still thinks abt nash. u can see it in the way she acts arnd him or when shes talking abt him. she is literally right where he left her!!!

3. champagne problems by taylor swift.

“she could've made such a lovely bride, it's a shame she's fucked in the head„

i have a major hc that alisa used to get a lot of hate before, during, and after being together with nash. ppl probl gossiped abt how the break up was her fault and everything. its probl one of the reasons why alisa is so salty abt it.

4. midnight rain by taylor swift

“he was sunshine, i was midnight rain, he wanted it comfortable, i wanted that pain„

nash wanted to leave 'everything hawthorne' behind and get comfortably married, alisa wanted her career and her job to tobias hawthorne. she knew it was be painful, she knew what it costed, but she did it for her job. she did it for herself!!!

5. your best american girl by mitski

“your mother wouldn't approve of how my mother raised me, but i do, i finally do, you're an all-american boy, i guess i couldn't help trying to be the best american girl„

smth i realized a lot of ppl forgot (or just dont know in general) is that alisa wasnt white. yk how xander kinda expressed that being the only coloured hawthorne had its difficulty cz people never considered him like his brother? i bet it was the same for alisa. i bet that she always felt like she wasnt good enough to be a hawthorne's wife bcs she was black and ppl were constantly racist.

6. the only heartbreaker by mitski

“but i think for as long as we're together, i'll be the only heartbreaker„

can we talk abt how throughout the entire series, alisa was blamed for a lot of things? to the point where she even blamed herself for getting kidnapped? the poor lady was so used to being at fault, she even took blame for a situation that could've gotten her killed? everything that she did was legal and extremely reasonable according to law, bcs idk if u remember, she was a lawyer...?? people act like she purposely did things for the sake of doing it. the girls doing her job!! let her live!!!

7. cedar by gracie abrams

“breaking up is funny, i forget you aren't mine„

does this need explanation? i think it was obvious that alisa felt jealous in some parts when she saw libby n nash together, can u blame her tho? no. no you cant.

making this post made me kind sad. i could go on and on abt alisa ortega. feel free to message me if u wanna talk abt lee-lee, cz i legit love her sm.

🎀

#alisa ortega #the inheritance games #nash hawthorne #taylor swift #mitski #gracie abrams

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ikeservant · 2 years

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Hi! It says you’re doing hc requests and your asks are still open, so could you do something for warlords and an MC who is a theatre kid? Singing, dancing, even costumes for her performances? I would live Nobu, Hideyoshi, Shingen, Kenshin, and Mitsunari especially if not everyone. 💖💝

Since in my mind’s eye thinking of this, I picture mc as a highschooler so all these are platonic/fluff and gender neutral (also sorry I am a novice to theater but I know a little so bear with me)

Nobunaga- It’s canon that he knows traditional dance choreography and is probably versed in the arts and entertainment with being the lord of a castle and all, but golly was he surprised when he asked mc to come to his room to interrogate this stranger that popped up out of nowhere. Mc told him everything since he was scaring them, but hearing their stories of their time intrigued him and when he asked what they liked to do in their time, mc lit up and talked about musicals and theater. Now every night he invites mc to his room and in exchange for konpeito they tell him about a play or teach him a song. When mc catches him sneaking in the kitchen he likes to quote Hamilton “If I can prove that I never broke the law, Do you promise not to tell another soul what you saw? No one else was in the room where it happened.” while giving them a piece to silence them as they both snicker and hang out. If mc wanted to host a play, he would snap his fingers and let them do whatever. Make the other warlords participate, give all the fabric access for costumes, make mc the director, have a whole makeshift stage and audience chamber. Anything to make his lil pal smile.

Hideyoshi- When he was suspicious of mc and followed them around, he noticed that they were constantly humming or singing unfamiliar tunes while doing chores and seemed so happy, making his guard go down. When he asked mc about what they were singing, mc lit up and went on a tangent about musicals and it made him warm up to them since they were like an excited kid talking about their passions. When he started inevitably going big brother/ mama hen mode and escorted them around, he often got their tunes stuck in his head. Every time it rained, he would start humming ‘singing in the rain’ and if he saw hills while riding he’d start lightly humming ‘the hills are alive with the sound of music’ because his brain is now hardwired from being classically conditioned by mc to sing/hum along with them. Would always be mc’s audience and supporter if they wanted to host any performances in the castle. If Mitsuhide tries to tease mc about their performances or quirky dances, Hideyoshi is not afraid to pick a fight and defend his new adopted child and their sengoku broadway dreams.

Kenshin- Does not get it or care when mc starts bringing up musicals and plays. “What’s the point if there’s no violence?” “Well, there is one about the French Revolutionary War.” He heard war, he is now intrigued. Mc could only really talk about plays with violence in it to gain his attention, but he got the appeal and liked how people can get creative with murder. Would even catch onto some song quotes, but brings them up in the worst times. The first time mc saw him murder someone, he thought it’d be appropriate to say “He ran into my knife. He ran into my knife 10 times.”, thinking Chicago’s Cell Block Tango would make this modern day teenager brush it off. It did not. When he’s grumpy and doesn’t have sake, pickled plums, or anybody to stab, he asks mc to entertain him with Sasuke acting out fighting scenes in plays, liking a lot of Shakespeare Hamlet and Macbeth but only the violent parts. It makes him happy seeing mc happy, especially when they’re talking about violence, even if its just about a play. Mitsunari- Is really intrigued when mc starts talking about plays and musicals since they’re like stories and poetry from a foreign and distant time. This scholar wants to whip out a scroll every time mc talk about a play or musical so he can record it to read for later. He loves learning about it all. Cats the musical? “Cats can sing in the future?!”. He loves hearing mc sing and dance. They tried getting him to do a dance from Newsies and it ended in a bookshelf collapsing and the sliding door to break over innocent passerby Ieyasu, who further cursed Mitsunari. He would love to help mc rewrite and be a scribe for their new play idea of Azuichi Hamilton Shingen- Wanting to make a nervous mc ease up, he asked them about their favorite hobby or entertainment. Coaxing mc to talk, they started going on a ramble of musicals and plays. He’s hooked on Phantom of the Opera and Grease cuz he’s a romantic at heart and loves the drama and the fluffiness of the Grease story. Obviously mc had to add context due to the time period difference, but he got the gist. Wants to learn the duets of the songs so he and mc can have their dramatic musical outbursts to cut off Yukimura fussing Shingen or make Yuki jump with a “SING ONCE AGAIN WITH ME”. Shingen would kind of be like Hideyoshi but more with a cool uncle vibe. Would brag about mc’s talent of remembering plays and knowing so many songs to sing. Kennyo wants to shrivel away when Shingen goes on a ramble of their amazing adopted teen, thinking that he would’ve been done after Yukimura. Nope, my man trained a warrior, he’s gonna train a performing star.

#ikemen sengoku #ikesen #ikesen headcanon #ikesen hc #ikemen sengoku hc #ikesen nobunaga #ikesen hideyoshi #ikesen shingen #ikesen mitsunari #ikesen kenshin

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skatetome · 2 years

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hello!! could you please write elinor fairmont x fem reader? hope you have a nice day :)

More Locations Than Pages

Pairing: Elinor Fairmont x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 1777 words

Warnings: FIRST KILL SPOILERS!! Fight description

Author's Note: This definitely could've been better, sorry anon :(. I used way too many time breaks. Anyways, thank you so much for the request! I hope you have a good day too!!

University was stressful — every single part of it. Even though you were in your sophomore year, the homesickness and constant pressure to succeed were still both as bad as they were freshman year. You valued the independence you received as a result of going to an out-of-state university and living in a dorm all alone, but there’s nothing you missed more than having your parents to go to when things got too stressful. You definitely didn’t adjust to that change during your first year here, and based on how you’ve been feeling recently, you probably won’t adjust to it during your second year, either. This university lifestyle was what you predicted to be amazing for your wellbeing, but it seems to be the complete opposite.

Your parents putting you under the impression that your grades were the only thing that mattered about you is the main reason university has been so difficult for you. Even after being moved out of their home for two years, the mindset they pushed on you for your entire life was obviously still very prevalent. The thoughts became so familiar to the point where you'd probably feel worse without them. There's a huge chance that your grades would decline, too. If your mind isn't constantly degrading you for every point you get off on an assignment, or telling you that you can put off your needs for a bit since you need to study, would your grades even be above a C-? If you gave up the rigid and intense habits after years of practicing them, what will that mean for your future? While abstaining from that lifestyle would give you answers to those questions, you simply don't feel ready to — at the moment, at least.

You stared at the empty document on your screen. What was supposed to be the first page of a paper with a seven-page minimum was nothing but a piece of digital printer paper that's been sitting in a printer for three weeks. Yep, you've had the last three weeks to write this entire paper. Sadly, for you, the paper was due tomorrow morning. It was currently 11pm, meaning you had twelve hours to write seven pages, which was absolutely impossible for you. You sigh and place your head onto your folded arms that rested on your desk. Your tired eyes glued themselves to the wood of the desk that lies right before them. The heaviness of your eyelids is quickly lifted at the sound of your phone going off. You raise your head from your arms and grab your phone. You reposition yourself into a less lazy seating position as you read and exchange messages with your girlfriend, Elinor Fairmont, or as you call her, Ellie.

———

hey can you come over to my place? it's urgent

sure, i'll bike over. see you in 5

love you. stay safe!

love you too!!

———

You grin as you turn off your laptop. Grabbing your mini backpack from the spot on the floor next to your desk, you stuff your laptop and its charger into it. You zip the top zipper closed and toss both the straps onto your shoulders. You approach the door of your dorm, open it, and lock it the moment you get out of the doorway. You make your way through the empty hallway, humming to the tune of a song that's been stuck in your head as you do so. Once you finally reach the exit, you push the door open and walk straight to the bike rack that rests next to your dorm building. You grab a key down from your pocket and unlock your bike. You walk it away from the rack and hop on the seat. You then start your route to Elinor's house, a route that's practically engraved in your head.

*****

You knock on the door of your girlfriend's house, laying with the straps on your backpack as you wait. You watch as Elinor runs down the staircase and towards the door. She grabs the doorknob and pulls the door open, waving you inside. The look on her face and her fast paced body language alarm you, as the reason she invited you over must've truly been urgent. She walks you up the staircase and pulls you by the wrist into her bedroom, seating you on the bed next to her.

"What's wrong? You seem to... panicked." You ask, concern starting to fill the newly-formed pit in your stomach.

"You're going to hate me." Elinor sighs, a worried smile plastering onto her face.

"I could never hate you, pretty. Just please tell me what's wrong so I can try to help."

You weren't lying. Ellie was perfect in your eyes, and there was truly nothing that could change that. You'd loved her for only a year and a half, but it felt like longer. The memories you two shared were similar to ones of true soulmates — which is where it seemed you and Ellie's relationship stood. You took your backpack off and placed it on the floor next to your feet, not breaking eye contact with Elinor as you waited for her to answer.

"It's a long story, but, basically, I got in a fight with these two guys and one of them tried to stab me but actually ended up stabbing the other guy. Juliette found my lipstick at the scene so she thinks I was the one who stabbed the guy. She stole my storage unit key and now she's with our distant brother Oliver and his girlfriend doing God knows what."

Her entire statement broke your heart. Knowing that she had gotten in a fight with two guys without you there to make sure she was alright was nauseating. The last thing you would want for Ellie is for her to get injured, or, in this case, actually stabbed. You couldn't imagine finding out the news, or even worse, watching her die. You felt one of your eyes fill with tears, which you quickly blinked away.

You and Juliette had always been on pretty good terms. Though you two didn't talk much, your shared conversations about dating girls were always enjoyable. That said, the attempt she was making to ruin Elinor's life with a murder accusation turned you away from her instantly. You couldn't believe that your girlfriend's own sister would do something like this. In fact, this whole situation was unbelieveable.

"Do you think Juliette and your brother will call the cops or something?"

"God I hope not." Elinor replies, plopping down onto the pillowed end of her bed as if she was getting ready to sleep.

"Do you want to get some sleep?" You ask the blonde, following her footsteps in laying down.

After seeing her nod sleepily, you pull the duvet over your two bodies. You bring Elinor closer to you, her head burrowing into your neck. You rub her back slowly, as you two doze off, cuddled against eachother.

*****

What sounded like hundreds of police sirens outside of the Fairmont house woke you up from your sleep. You blink a few times to adjust to the light before slowly removing our arms from Elinor's embrace. You get up from the bed and look out the window, seeing only the edges of red and blue blinking lights. You run back to the bed and stand by Elinor. You bend your knees a bit to get on her level before shaking her body lightly and whisper-shouting at her to wake up. It takes you about five shakes until her eyes started to open. You let go of her for a moment so she could wake up. Once she started to sit up, you pointed at the window as a way of silently showing her what was going on.

"We have to get out of here." You say, reaching your hand out for the tired girl to grab. She obliges and uses it to pull herself from her bed. She walked you both towards the window and let go of of your hand to open said window.

"Hop out, slide down the roof, and meet me down there.. we can run into town and hide, it's just down that hill over there." Elinor cried, the panic starting to settle into the two of you.

You nod at her and wiggle your way through the window frame, falling onto the slanted roof shortly after. You then slide down the roof and onto the grass, your back being the first and only part of your body to take impact. You sigh at the pain as you get up to stretch and wait for Elinor to follow you. You see the girl nervously make her way out of the house right after you. You back away a bit and watch as she slides down the roof and onto the ground where you stand. You reach both of your hands out for her to use to help her get up. You give her a quick peck on the lips before grabbing her hand and guiding the two of you towards the glowing lights of the city.

*****

After what felt like the two of you had run three marathons to get to the city, you rested on a bench to catch your breath. Elinor's head rested on your shoulder as your synced breathing began to slow down and return to a normal pace, similar to your heart rates. The tranquil silence you two had shared for who knows how long helped with your bodies going back to relaxation. Your minds have both slowed down too. The raging thoughts became less speedy and it was easier to come up with an escape plan.

"Do you, um, want to go get a room at that hotel down the street?" You asked your resting girlfriend.

"Sure, can you carry me, though?"

"The things I do for you." You roll your eyes and wrap your arms around your girlfriend to pick her up. You stand up and readjust so you can carry her bridal style. Before you start walking, Elinor pulls you in for a kiss that was well needed for both of you. You stay kissing for just a few moments before she pulls away. You stare into her eyes before pulling her into another kiss.

"That's the suspect!" A man's voice calls out. "In that woman's arms!"

You and Ellie pull away and look at the cops then back at each other. You start running down the streets of Savannah, Georgia with your criminal girlfriend in your arms and a seven-page paper you hadn't even started.

#elinor fairmont #elinor fairmont x reader #elinor fairmont x y/n #elinor fairmont x you #elinor fairmont x you angst #elinor fairmont x you fluff #kinda #elinor fairmont oneshot #elinor fairmont imagine #elinor fairmont angst #elinor fairmont fluff #skatetome #this was so bad i spent like 4 hours on it and it still turned out bad #sorry anon #not fishing btw #whoever requested juliette fairmont i will post it tomorrow probably at this same time btw #bye

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puppy-the-mask · 11 months

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Couldn't decide if i wanted to keep my initial idea of having her only have purple legs or if i wanted her to be fully purple since the outfit washes her out. Either way this is what she'd look like if Cas got caught by the Spider Queen! She is now 'Recluse*' the experiment. {* Name has since been changed to 'Fiddle')

{THE COLORS LOOK WAY DARKER ON MY PHONE- on my comp the purple looked more lavender. I don’t wanna edit it rn though cause I put my comp away :/ I’ll see about color picking from a different ref or something idk}

She isn't treated the best by the spider crew since she doesn't want to help them take over the world, constantly using her brain to figure out loopholes in the Queen's orders. Her personality is very casual despite her situation, constantly making jokes and teasing the others. If she wasn't so good at her job then spider queen would've gotten rid of her ages ago- the two have a very strained relationship because recluse will call SQ out when she thinks her plans are bad and find any way to challenge her that she's able. Despite this she's actually pretty nice towards the other spiders!

She has a love-hate relationship with Syntax. He finds her really annoying and thinks she's stupid- like the queen's own personal jester- she never takes anything seriously and it bugs him. Meanwhile Fiddle finds his insults funny and informative and actually likes his company- he's the one who she spends the most time with since he's trying to fix the venom she was injected with, constantly running tests and keeping her close in his lab. When it's later revealed that the venom is actually working as intended and she's been acting this whole time he's floored. He thinks his data is off or the tests got tampered with because there's no way that she could have been playing them this whole time. When she confirms this he suddenly sees her in a new light- drawn to intelligence he wants to know how smart and crafty she Really is. She becomes a puzzle he wants to solve. Fiddle is more open to letting hints of her true self slip in front of him because she relates to him, she wants to save him from the queen and help him lead a normal life again. She also just thinks its funny to see his face when she corrects him or adds onto a theory when he's thinking out loud- especially when she's Right.

Goliath is her buddy, her favorite spider of the bunch. He's the only one who goes out of his way to visit her in her little corner of the lab since she is/is going to be part of the group soon. He wants to make her assimilation into the group easy so they can work together flawlessly. Where with Syntax she purposely drops hints, with Goliath she legitimately is slipping up and letting her walls down. She talks about her past and hobbies and anything under the sun when they're having their private chats. They also work out together- both being brawlers they share tips and their routines. He's the only one of the group she'll sing for- though it's just small jingles or a couple lines whenever a song gets stuck in her head. He's the only one who can get close when she's going berserk- physical proof that she's starting to trust/care for him. He helps her look after her cat since she's cooped up in the lab almost 24/7. He gives me big bro of the group vibes- strong and silent but when he talks he can definitely talk some shit/sass. I feel like he'd make quiet offhanded comments when Syntax and Huntsman are bickering that Fiddle would pick up on and laugh with him about.

Huntsman is interesting because they don't have much to do with each other at first. He doesn't really interact with Fiddle unless he has to and finds her to be a waste of time and resources. An opinion he Loves to share with Syntax and hold over him since the new venom and experiment fall under his responsibility (Queen got tired of dealing with her even though the venom is supposed to be Her thing while Syntax is computers- she figures he's smart he'll figure it out) Though when the two actually talk he finds it kind of hard to keep an aggressive or mocking attitude, either his jabs roll off her like they're nothing and they end up having a semi-normal conversation after she steers him away from insults and into an actual topic. Or she's so weirdly positive that it infuriates him, he's not used to people reacting to him with kindness and positivity- especially when he's Trying to be Mean. He ends up leaving in a huff and sulking that He's the angry one now or finding something else to do to distract himself. After his encounter with Sandy is when things start calming down with him- he's nicer to her cat and even offers to look after it when Goliath can't. She still infuriates him but now it just reminds him of how Sandy was acting and gets him thinking about their encounter again... he kinda ignores her to avoid thinking about it too hard. But it'd start keeping him up and so he ends up coming to her to ask some questions and share some thoughts. She's completely blindsided that somehow Huntsman of all people has been sent down a redemption arc/is becoming self aware but wholeheartedly supports it and encourages him to come back and talk to her ("or this new person who's got you thinking- no? ok ok i don't mind the conversation anyways!"). She becomes something of a confidant to him since he feels he can't share this with the others and it's not like Fiddle would call treason considering her position, plus nobody would ever believe her if she tried!

I see Fiddle as their gofer- since her upper body looks normal enough she can go into town and buy (or steal) things for them without much fuss. Of course she's heavily monitored through a tracker and surrounding cameras but she likes doing grocery runs since she gets to go outside and have a couple minutes to feel like a normal person again. She also takes over chores and some of the cooking since they can't reliably make her do anything else. Spider Queen would've made her into her handmaiden, but doesn't trust that she won't ruin her clothes or hair or Something just to spite her.

And then there's LBD, Fiddle doesn't trust her and the only time she gets openly serious or actually acts like a part of the group is when she isn't around. She's constantly trying to advise SQ against having her around, she can Sense the power in her and does not trust it for a second. She's spent lifetimes dealing with demons and there's no way someone with that much power is just here to help SQ of all people. She doesn't know who she is, the true extent of her power, nor her motive, but Fiddle avoids LBD like the plague. Once SQ finally gets wise to LBD's true nature Fiddle doesn't hesitate to tell her they should run- where Huntsman chokes Fiddle is standing up and saying it without a hint of fear for her queen. She may not like the woman but the venom compels her to do whatever it takes to keep her safe and there's no way they can take LBD on while still sharing the underground caverns. They need to get far away and regroup because she obviously wanted Something from them and the mech isn't complete yet. In this Au the spiders survive at the cost of Connie, Fiddle unleashes the full might of the consumption to hold LBD and the Mayor off so the others can get away and gets captured. idk if they needed SQ specifically or just a powerful demon's soul so i'm going with the latter in this one. There's specifics to what happens exactly for they to get connie without killing Fiddle- who ends up getting away thanks to a last act by Connie- but that'd be a bit graphic so lets just say the jacket used to have sleeves 6-6 anyways during the fight Fiddle gets to help by tapping into her connection with Connie- who was used to make the mech- and waking them up so to speak- having them help destroy the mech from the inside, then after LBD's defeat Fiddle reclaims the lost shards and her little sibling. Lots of character development could happen in the time they were apart, relationships could change and the spiders could become more of a closer knit group- maybe pull a DBK and chill out on the world conquering idk. this is just a base idea but a fun one to consider. i could just let lbd have sq but there's no way the others would let her get captured without dying first and the venom still affects Fiddle so she can't leave her either (even if she really wants to)

#my art #sketches #lmk oc #it me!#cas #i love Love LOVE the jacket- it's my favorite part!#idk if she'd stick around the spiders after things chilled out or if she'd move on and try to return to her normal life #just leave them her number and address in case anyone wants to visit #slowly work on their brainwashing from there #but also idk maybe having someone around to challenge her would make SQ think more and push her to be a better monarch #just a thought #since the venom still makes her loyal and have their best interest at heart- her arguments would be valid concerns that could offer another #point of view that SQ never thought of #idk i just miss the spiders- i wish they'd gotten their character development #The cat is Doomfanger ofc- since this is Me im gonna have my cat in lmk too #Huntsman is cornered by cat loving powerhouses that want to drag him up the road of self betterment #highkey Recluse would adore Sandy- it's so nice not being judged as one of the spider squad and instead as an individual seperated from-#their crimes #Sandy would give her calming tips and she'd be furiously writing everything he says because homegirl is DESPERATE #Fiddle (oc)#lmk oc Fiddle

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tillman · 1 year

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pls i want to hear your assassins thoughts sooooo bad

HEHEHHEHE. i dunno exactly what to even talk about i think about these guys like . nigh constantly they are everything to me . oddly on my head a lot recently ... well i think cus me and violet had a talk about it and i got to solidify a lot of vague ideas i had earlier without any real stuff behind them... anyways recently ive been thinking a lot about how all of them are so horribly stuck in the past.

i think the fact millia venom and eddie are all mirrors in differing ways of zato is really fascinating. this ties into a lot of my thoughts about how zato works better as a character who haunts the guild instead of being in it- but all three of them echo a lot of things we know about zato in ways that just get even MORE fascinating when paired with each other . just such a compelling little circle happening.

anyways main point. i think a key part about zato as a character thats just like so rarely brought up is that he exists in the past. he lives in his world chasing after a version of millia thats never existed. he can Never move past his past because its literally hurt him so much he is a completely different person. if theres something strive writing does well its the fucking themes and let me carve your way being this sad little song mourning memories that he cant even remember is maybe the greatest thing about zato to be dropped in like 10 years.

and like all the others are too in different ways. millia is haunted by her past and doing everything to try and escape it only to be brought back in. venom continues to chase ghosts and forcing himself to run the guild in zatos vague honor despite it driving him to nightmares and emptiness. eddie in his xx route is haunted by zatos memory and trying so hard to move past being thought of just as zatos weapon. its all so incredibly insanity inducing to me . they make me mad in a lovecraftian way. hope this helps .

#I LIKE HTEM...#i never know what to say when told to just vaguely dump so i hope this is vaguely coherent.. sory......... just a lot #of stuff ive been tumbling in my mind lately about em smiles

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oneinathousand · 1 year

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Are you a newer fan of Treasure Island 1988 and are hungry for something else that’ll scratch that itch? Then you oughta check out the 13 episode-long 1970′s series The Adventures of Captain Vrungel, which was also directed by David Cherkassky, if you haven’t already. As someone who only watched it for the first time a few days ago, I can confirm that it holds up pretty well, and although it’s not as flashy as Treasure Island, and it’s not something that I personally would care to rewatch as much as Treasure Island, it has its own distinct charms and memorable characters that are worth experiencing, if only so you can see the genesis for the style that would be expanded on later.

The plot, which eventually becomes somewhat more complicated than meets the eye, concerns a global boat race taking place in the early 20th century. The titular Captain Vrungel, a level-headed but often oblivious teacher, decides to participate and takes his student, Lom, as First Mate; right before the race begins, the two recruit the mild-mannered Fuchs as their third crew member.

Unbeknownst to Vrungel and Lom, however, Fuchs, a gambler in dire financial straits, recently stole the Venus de Milo statue at the behest of the mysterious criminal Chief, and is now smuggling the statue aboard Vrungel’s ship, the Trouble. Chief sends two of his goons, Bandito and Gangsterito, to chase the crew down and retrieve the statue, but are themselves constantly pursued by Agent 00X, a man who never quits; all the while, Vrungel and Lom are blissfully unaware of Fuch’s crime and of the true nature of the race they’re taking part in. Each episode sees the crew come up against everything from natural sea phenomena, to illness, to Bandito and Gangsterito’s various schemes, that they have to think their way out of.

Tonally, the show is distinct from Treasure Island in that while it also maintains a generally comedic vibe throughout, this is less of a rapid-fire, over-the-top kind of thing, and more of a laid-back, amiable type of comedy, with even the slapstick being laid-back. It’s the kind of comedy to me where you might not laugh out loud, but it might put a smile on your face with it’s cleverness, although maybe for you it’ll split your guts laughing, who’s to say? Captain Vrungel has a slower pacing typical to a lot of older animation that you don’t really see as much anymore that lets the audience sit back and soak in the vibes, I don’t really know how to put it into words.

Part of Captain Vrungel’s more understated comedy comes from it’s mostly paper doll animation style, where by it’s very nature slapstick can’t really have the same oomph as other types of animation, so it doesn’t rely on physical humor as much to tell jokes.

For those of you who might not have cared for those few sections in Treasure Island where they would temporarily switch to a paper doll style and are hesitant to watch Captain Vrungel because you might miss having cel animation, I can say in my opinion that the character designs for Vrungel are done in a more visually appealing way than those parts of TI were, and it’s worth seeing how intricate it is. For more complicated shots, they do occasionally switch to cel animation, and even though they are less polished than what would come later on, they still often utilize inventive perspective shots that are fun to look at and provide visual interest for the show as a whole.

Another thing to note about Captain Vrungel is that it’s also a musical, with most episodes having one or even two numbers where the characters will burst into song, the rest of the soundtrack being orchestrated in contrast to the synths of Treasure Island. Not all the songs are memorable, since there’s so many of them, but the standouts will get stuck in your head. I think I’m gonna remember “We Bandito Gangsterito” and Agent 00X’s theme song till the day I die.

All that being said, one of the best parts of The Adventures of Captain Vrungel are probably the characters; as with every other aspect of the show I’ve discussed so far, most of them are not as eccentric as the cast of Treasure Island, nobody’s gonna be unironically making edited clips of the show set to phonk music making them look like gigachad badasses; however, most of them either do their job as a character just fine or are memorable in their own way.

Captain Vrungel himself is the straight man contrasting the other characters, lacking the quirks of fellow straight man protagonist Jim Hawkins, but he brings a calming presence that grounds the story. He’s very much like a father or grandfatherly figure, being wise and welcoming to others, sometimes exasperated at the silly things happening around him, but also sometimes participating in them if he feels like it. He does exactly what he needs to.

First Mate Lom is an early example of a himbo, being loyal and hard-working but not very bright. Of all the main characters, he gets the least to do, being the strong guy most of the time, which is a shame since he’s performed by Dr. Livesey’s voice actor (though Papernny did also get to voice the main villain, Chief, though I can’t really discuss him because it would spoil things).

Speaking of Treasure Island voice actors, the other prominent one from there who showed up here is Blind Pew’s VA playing the co-lead Fuchs, and although the character has a few visual similarities to Pew, the two have very different personalities. In short, he is what you might call a “woobie”, a “scrunkly blorbo”, or maybe even a “poor little meow-meow”, in the same genre of character as Tack from The Thief in the Cobbler, someone you would want to give a big hug if he were real. Without giving anything away, I’ll just say Fuchs goes through a nice character arc.

Three characters, however, come close to stealing the whole show, and could have easily had their own spinoff series based on their dynamic, and that’s the goons Bandito and Gangsterito, and Agent 00X. If you’re a fan of the “two minions who always hang out and have a surprisingly wholesome friendship despite being villains” trope, you’ll enjoy Bandito and Gangsterito as a duo. Are they totally stereotypical Italian gangster types? Oh yes, but they’re the Team Fortress 2 kind of stereotype where they’re so over the top it goes back around to being funny to me, but if you’re irritated by them for that reason, I understand.

As for Agent 00X, think of Captain Smollett’s ability to take any punishment thrown at him and turn it up to 11. No matter what Bandito and Gangsterito do to shake him off, he always comes back with a laugh and a smile on his face. Of all the Vrungel characters, he’s the one who’s most similar to the Treasure Island characters, and it’s with him that the animators do a lot of the test runs with his humor and animation that they would use more and more later on.

If anything I’ve written here has intrigued you enough to check out the series, as of this posting there’s one video of the whole series in English subtitles that I’ve been able to find so far which doesn’t have as good of video or audio quality as other uploads that are only in Russian, and the subtitles have some mistakes throughout, but it does well enough with translating the jokes that those technical shortcomings won’t impede your viewing experience too much.

The show takes a few episodes for the characters and overall plot to get set into place, but if you view it as a 2 hour-long movie, the pacing flows more smoothly.

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#the adventures of captain vrungel #treasure island 1988 #soviet animation #the adventures of captain wrongel

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deada55 · 1 year

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The Horizon

crossposting: none

synopsis: DSR Nathan has a bad night thinking about the past few months at a North Miami waterfront.

tws: vomit, maybe body horror, general physical suffering, drug use... let me know if I missed something.

for dethentines 2/8: inspired by a metal love song (Sextape by Deftones... not really metal, but deftones was my metal gateway so 🤷‍♂️.)

Miami was a pile of expensive, sticky shit on a beach, but the green and purple lights of a North Miami club still sparkled on the water. Maybe his legs were stuck under this metal railing, or maybe everything ached because he shook, or he shook because he'd made his legs go numb trying to get his knees over the edge of the deck. But it was the air that spun, and it was his body that didn’t want to play nice anymore. The water and the flat, dark horizon in the distance was steadfast. In his nightmares, all he had to do was look at the horizon, look away from the teeth and the rotting everything that demanded his attention. It worked sometimes. Sometimes.

Getting too drunk and taking a bunch of molly wasn’t something you woke up from in a flash unless you were in an ambulance. So, he was grateful that he was sitting on a deck. Even with his thighs jammed under the railing, there was no way he’d end up falling. Shit, the fire department might have to cut him out. He constantly reminded himself that no, he wasn’t wet, he wasn’t in the water, he’d just pissed himself, and the dripping down the back of his neck was all sweat. He hoped the bar overhung the ocean. Who knows. His puke was probably expensive as fuck. If anyone were standing below him, they ought to be honored or something.

Controversy drove record sales through the roof. They made bricks on bricks of money off their latest album, even after the hologram breaking down canceled most of the tour. Abigail had done a great job.

Thinking about her made him want to cry. Even before all this happened, she made something in him so needy. He’d set it aside long enough to keep from losing everything, so he could forget a eulogy and apologize through the breathlessness of losing another liver, but “forgetting” her left him with an empty pain, like taking a big shit.

Looking back felt as embarrassing as shitting. What felt like trying to embrace and “own” what he felt towards her leading up to that fucking dinner made him shiver every time it refluxed back into his head. In high school, dudes like that became laughingstocks. Back then, he wasn’t such a creep.

If only he could stop himself, he’d probably feel better. Fuck, he felt better, really, he felt better, after spewing what felt like a gallon of Rémy Martin on tailored fucking Levis. At least, that’s what he mumbled out loud. It’s fine. We’re fine.

Toki wasn’t coming back, and neither was Abigail.

Just when his heart started to sink, what came to mind were Abigail’s tits. Her naked body, all of it, every gentle, soft part of her that insisted on its worth. He never saw the whole truth of her, but it never really mattered to him how honest chicks were to him. Abigail had the talent of knowing the truth, of seeing right through him. Her reactions made her trustworthy. Her commitment and her excellence made her reliable. She meant everything she said, all the time.

She told that reporter she’d left for her own reasons, that the job was near completion, that the circumstances stopped being professional… He wasn’t anything more than a “circumstance,” a condition. Why did he still feel like he had to prove himself to her?

The last album was all because of her, from her stupid vacation to her work with them on the submarine. The album had to come out: that’s what they’re written for. It was great. It was right. It was meant to be heard, to be listened to. But, he’d give it all up to make it one last time. Even if he had to live through all his mistakes again, he’d take the last few months over and over and over.

The sound of the waves colliding with tipsy crowd chatter stirred up something like shame. It was insane to think that they were still alive somewhere, that they hadn’t just fallen into the hot, dry earth with Magnus and been lost in falling rocks. How dare he remember them this way, with his arms covered with a lacy mourning shroud of stomach acid and delicate, mushy flakes of cognac-drowned potato chips. Would it have felt better if they’d been enveloped in the ocean, the two of them gripping a plank and slowly dying of dehydration? At least then they could live on in the plankton or the scavenging spider crabs, and maybe he’d get to admire how they were still part of the living world that kept coming back again and again in all their songs about destruction and death. Dying trapped in the ground, impinged and crushed by falling stone, wasn’t brutal but cruel. The sea didn’t have any new wisdom or grace to give him.

Nathan knew he ought to try and pull himself out of the fence and go back inside, but only after hearing the rush of one last wave, one last time…

#dethentines 2023 #metalocalypse fanfic #metalocalypse #nathan explosion #tw vomit #WOOOOOOOOOOO here we go!#my writing

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hospitalterrorizer · 7 months

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diary33

10/7-8/2023

fixed one song so far today, i'll see where i end up at the end of this thought.

yesterday i was really taken by hosono's video game music record, i did not realize he wasn't the original composer, which makes me feel way dumb but also, someone had to make those sounds, their genius doesn't go away only one facet of my waxing poetic or whatever is founded wrongfully, that's fine.

anyways, i felt like i had to acknowledge that, admitting when i'm wrong feels important, even when it's just to myself, or especially, and righting some wrong, even if it's like, nothing, and like, nerd stuff. it means something to me, there's some discomfort in my heart now evaporating cuz of that.

anyways i read a book today, derek mccormack's dark rides, it's about a young gay guy sort of incapable of acknowledging what he wants/ where he's at making that impossible. it's a fast moving thing, 108 pages and every passage is short, it's a very tiny book, but it wraps you up with its speed, and the leanness of the description, very little is in image, instead the endless telling of things happening to someone, streaming through life, and stuff. i think it's really lovely, how it works, it at times does kind of explode into vividness, the images typically thin and associative, intentionally so, begin to get colored in, and then cut short.

for instance:

i love this part so much, i love this whole story in the book, about a girl who begins making homemade fireworks because of a job she starts, and he gets involved too.

another great chunk of the book.

i don't have as much to say about what it says entirely because 1) i don't know much about this writer, what drummed up my curiosity (again) is my friend becoming curious, because people both of us enjoy really like his book castle faggot, and we want to know what that's about, dennis cooper loves it, for instance, but my curiosity re that had died because a friend read some of his other stories, and they were i don't know, kind of bad, but now maybe there's some kind of in with his work, i dunno. a lot of the stuff here about repressed perversity, curiosity regarding the perverse and in youth playing with it, really resonates, the constant pull towards the abject while stuck in the "regular" world. and 2) it's still pretty fresh in my head and this book really doesn't have any intellectual obsession it feels like (to say it doesn't actually would be a different matter, i think every book does essentially), hopefully the book will stick in my head, and it will uncover itself to me, or i will uncover it, and be compelled to return by some measure. this is why discovering a new writer is exciting, a whole world of ideas/ways of seeing to absorb, thinking about the book as concerned largely with seeing/observation seems prudent, actually, not that this is special to this book in particular but he seems very concerned observing and all the things you see when you're positioned a certain way. constantly outside everything, even the regular heterosexual relationships tried here, everyone doesn't seem alien, they all do come off though, painfully wounded and sad, everything moves too quickly for anything to settle, you don't know anyone, you flit from scene to scene and relationship to relationship, all the substance there is in what you ignore, so the writing works this out not by hiding it in the minimalism, but using the minimalism to exhume the faint imprints left on you, and when the minimalism fails, it blossoms into the portrait of the things that shock you back into yourself, from the dissociation, thinking here about this portion of the book about electroshock, which oscillates between the 'therapy' which grows worse and more torturous, and the escapism the character engages in by going to a planetarium, and it ends on this:

anyways, i'm excited to read more from him, though i worry this is his one great work, castle faggot seems a little juvenile in comparison, but who knows, i don't, certainly, it sucks i wrote him off because a friend read a bad book of his, because he at least has one great one.

i also wrote a little today, but i'd soon like to stop doing tiny things and make one bigger jump to finish one of these sections and get nearer to like, its actual end. anyhow, that is at least progressing and growing more full, which feels important to me.

what i notice more, as i look at the book, is how powerfully it deploys the poetic, similar to how dennis cooper does it though still different, cooper is much less dry/tense, instead with him it is a case of, i'm not sure of the word here, in the depths of alienation and distance, a discovery of passion/heat and the clumsiness of that passion/excitement, thinking here of the passage in frisk where a boy is described as a polaroid taken of fire, if i recall correctly.

thinking now that i ought to read anais nin, i've meant to for years and never have, spurred on by a friend's consistent love of her diaries being mentioned, plus just always wanting more writing "like that" and like that meaning, i don't know, it's a whole thing though. i've decided on "collages" by here. i dunno why. it's not a typical start i guess, but it's something no one really mentions, and it seems interesting.

the other day in the shower i was thinking quite a bit about maurice blanchot, and how i think it might behoove me to re-read thomas the obscure, at some point, it's an insanely dense book, i love it and i think i got a lot from it, but it feels like it has so much more to give, and it took 3 nights last i read it.

anyways, looking at the songs i have now, and stuff, i really want these more hardcore songs to be brighter/noisier, i'm getting there, i think as i continue replacing the tones, the better off i'll be, and i'll be able to figure out how to get exactly what i want, or like, just basically what i want. i also think some of the lack of sharpness can come down to the bass still being a touch too prominent in these songs, i think in some cases even i can drop by 3 dbs and that'll really help me out.

my decision to just do songs and move onto others, and then come back after a while, seems beneficial, cuz it means i'm not getting obsessed on fine details and i let myself forget what's going on, so w/ fresh ears i can see what's good/what isn't.

anyways look at this insert art for this album i like, these arms are snakes - easter.

and this too, i really like this cover also. my mind just wandered to cover art, and stuff i'm trying to consciously absorb, i guess.

i've now fallen into a hole reading about angura plays and posters, maybe i'll talk more about it tomorrow, however i guess one thing is it's shocking to me how this stuff still has a presence, like in radical kinds of art it never died, for instance:

this poster says, across the top:

"theater, don't die!! we need you!!"

this kind of directly speaking to the text, from another text that is related, and the kind of aggressive pose it takes with the audience, not necessarily about hate but certainly related to critique, and the typography, brings some really obvious stuff to mind, i hate being like "it's like eva" but the similarities are there, the exact ways of hashing out frustrations with the general public (there that huge mass) in such forward facing ways, seems something inherited. this is from 1979! another thing is, looking at these posters and reading about the ethos of these plays and their oppositions in the 60s, read:

and so here we have an explicit attempt at furthering radical art, being more communist (i think) that seeks to use the perverse/grotesque/primitive to embrace all of reality (#so #me). obviously there's lots of ways this can trail off into something reactionary (see above the treatment of the general public, the total frustration/lashing out while maybe in some ways understandable sees the turn from proletarian art to a relation where they need to be told (this apparently comes as the rise of pure consumerism/entertainment arises and the avant garde begins getting ignored more (reminds me of the country teasers lyric: you only mock the avant garde because it's a little too hard (ugly but maybe true sometimes (only sometimes (when it's the beautiful avant garde that loves things and stuff)))))

before i go onto another interesting relation, i just wanna note the obv similarities this has (noted in the book but i thought this before it was mentioned) to tatsumi hijikata's butoh dance, i highly rec/love his essay "to prison"

another crazy recognition in all of this, is strangely enough killer7, which rather strangely comes off as a very explicit effort to update this kind of art/these ideals/this ethos, and the exact underpinnings and goals, to enmesh the primitive with the 60s radicalist art with the newly developed world of digital media, with anime, to have this slurry that communicates in the same fevered ways that these plays operate.

anyways, that's probably enough kunst und kultur for the night. also i read a tiny chunk of anais nin's collages, great as expected, sad i put her off for so long, i feel that she will sit beside clarice lispector for me. interesting that the two are immigrants.

so, byebye!!

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maninthemiddleofhere · 1 year

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sorry for long vent im sad

i dont know what i did to make him stop texting me. i dont know what i did for him to decide to stop telling me things. to be fair, its looking like we both tell each other lies and half truths now. the feeling of losing someone who was once so close to me really hurts. and the worst part is i dont know what i did to make him this way towards me. i cant even tell him any of this.

im stuck with my own doubt and i wonder when exactly he stopped loving me. maybe he never really did but i cant shake it. when exactly did he fall out of love with me? 10 days before our break up, it seemed like he loved me. i wanna tell him all of this but hes not my homebound anymore. he was once the only person i trusted. thats crazy now. unheard of.

its so weird moving on from the one genuine thing i had in a long time. all i can do is blame myself for how it ended. maybe thats unhealthy but who else would be to blame? i still feel like i did something to have made him break up with me. even if it all went how we planned it i guess part of me wanted that to not happen. to be fair, im the one who begged him not to tell me he loved me. im the one who thought that would help me get over him but it hasnt. now i just blame myself for how he doesnt text me and how when he does we have insulting small talk and then ghost eachother for a few days before repeating the cycle.

we were once *so* alive together. now it is like we're a ghost of what we once were. every dream we had for what we could be is forgotten, buried 6 feet under with the hope that we couldve been happy together. i dont constantly think about him but i get reminded of him often. he was once apart of my everyday routine. im still recovering from that. waking up, checking my phone and seeing a good morning text from him, texting him before i shower, showering and texting him as i get dressed, being dressed and texting him until the moment i get on my bike and ride it to school, getting off my bike when i get to school and texting him all the way to my first class, texting him thru every class as much as i could, texting him when i got home, texting him till the moment he or i slept.

he was literally weaved into my every day schedule. some days, i would skip school and talk to him with no interruptions whatsoever, id text him on weekends, thru the night into the wee hours of the morning, into the afternoon, into the evening, into the night, and then over again.

that is over. and god, it feels like so long ago, yet at the same time it feels like just yesterday i had his name written all over my daily life. his voice ringing in my ears, his hobbies and every-day life wrapped around mine. at one point, we were together. at a point not so long ago, we were together. its easier to pretend it was long ago but really it was just shy of like, a month ago, all that i talk about, i mean. him and i talking everyday, all day. and even after that, he was still mine just shy of 10 days ago. i still had hope, even if it was a flickering candle flame of hope, it was still hope.

any hope i had then is dead now. a spark smothered by cruel reality. it would be easier to live in a fantasy in my head, but i know its over. i know there is no chance for relighting that special spark we had. its only a matter of time before i dont feel sad when i think of us. only a matter of time until i dont regret it all, im sure. only a matter of time before i forget the sound of his voice, the color of his eyes, his favorite season, his favorite songs and bands, his favorite anime and guilty pleasure song. the idea of moving on still scares me, thats how i know im not ready yet, but i know i will be i guess.

sorry for long vent i was rly sad

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missioncoded · 1 year

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Meta Music Analysis

song 16: monster - starset

oops we’re back on the starset train. which means we’re also back in the amanda/cyberlife train. so uh. warnings for abuse and stuff.

Under the knife I surrendered The innocence yours to consume You cut it away And you filled me up with hate Into the silence you sent me Into the fire consumed You thought I'd forget But it's always in my head

so this already makes things very interesting in terms of my portrayal. see, connor was not always intended to be a deviant hunter. he was already well on his way to production when the deviancy problem showed up, and his model was retrofitted to be their new hunter. instead, early on he was intended on being simply a negotiation and detective model. their first android with some sort of autonomy. there was a lot of testing from mock 01 up to mock 51, and 51 was the first connor to go through all testing without deviating, after his memories had been wiped.

the memories are still there of course. not fully deleted, just heavily encrypted. locked away. its for the best. but part of him, well... part of him still retains those earlier connors.

You're the pulse in my veins You're the war that I wage Can you change me? Can you change me?

You're the love that I hate You're the drug that I take Will you cage me? Will you cage me?

You're the pulse in my veins You're the war that I wage Can you change me? Can you change me? From the monster you made me? The monster you made me?

both during the game and after, connor is constantly at war with himself. what he feels is right, and what he’s being commanded to do. the fact that he knows he’s deviating, but he’s meant to fight deviants. the fact that he’s meant to hunt deviants at all. in his eyes, after all that he’s done? he’s a monster.

This is the world you've created The product of what I've become My soul and my youth Seems it's all for you to use If I could take back the moment I'd let you get under my skin Relent or resist Seems the monster always wins

connor holds a lot of anger and resentment in his heart, (or... thirium pump?) for what was done to him, what he was made to be and what he was made to do. he especially hates cyberlife. even now, as a deviant... is he truly in control? what makes a person a person?

My heart's an artifice, a decoy soul I lift you up and then I let you go I've made an art of digging shallow holes I'll drop the darkness in and watch it grow

My heart's an artifice, a decoy soul Who knew the emptiness could be so cold? I've lost the parts of me that make me whole I am the darkness I'm a monster

we couldn’t go through one of these without mentioning his struggles with his deviancy and what he’s done, after all. “i’ve made an art of digging shallow holes” how many androids has he killed, either directly or indirectly? before, when he stuck to his programming, he thought he knew who he was. his job was awful, but he didn’t have to think for himself. now? living is much harder.

and he’ll never escape his own self loathing.

#🔵 | ɪ ᴅᴇsɪɢɴᴇᴅ ᴛʜɪs ʀʜʏᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴇxᴘʟᴀɪɴ ❞ ( analysis. )#🔵 | ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴᴛ ᴋɪʟʟ ᴍᴇ ɪᴍ ɴᴏᴛ ᴀʟɪᴠᴇ ❞ ( meta. )

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undeademoprincess · 1 year

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I need to get this off my chest somehow because i just

I feel so fucking conflicted and tired. The constant teeter tottering if not riding both extremes of feeling like a burden, no one wants or seeks out my company the way i do theirs, the "why even bother" mentality always in steadily creeping up on me, feeling constant over stimulation as well as under stimulation (sometimes both at once and theres times its only one effecting me but i get no break from it all) vs knowing and seeing im loved, wanted and appreciated, that im not some forced to be stuck with tag along burden people in my life put up with, and just being able to breath without doubting thoughts and actions of others towards me and feeling the calm that life is supposed to be. Just, all of the cruel thoughts, turning my own mind against itself and those i care for is exhausting and painful, especially when i unfortunately see things that back up the "mental demons", where i sadly agree with it because its persuasive and skilled enough to warp the truth i know for fact, im just too disheartened and tried to aruge back and thus sadly agree and it breaks me. For how it feels, when all this kicks in, it really does feel like some demon or dark intruder gets off on pitting me against things. I can watch someone so small and insignificant happen and when im not on the ball to counter it, it uses that as evidence that "see? You ARE bothering others". The slightest reaction or lack thereof always gets warped and twisted. The tiring part is i KNOW its pitting me against things, myself, and others. I KNOW this "voice" or intrusive thought(s) are just that, intrusive and theyre lying and warping reality to suit its perspective. To constantly rebuttle, reanalyze memories, literally ask what someone meant by what they said something, its beyond draining. Id say its all day, that theres obvious signs to who or what and HOW itd go after everything, but there just isnt. Theres no consistency other than being relentlessly brutal on making me feel alienated despite that very well not being the case. And again, i both know and see that. But i dont always have the heart or energy to fight back, rebuttle every dark thought, PROVE it wrong.

Thats when its actually relentless. Whispers and snarky, slide off the shoulder quick "comments" become whole trains of thought for minutes if not hours. Like a song you cant get out of your head in a way. Every year, as it gets closer and closer to holidays i dont like due to so many loved ones ive lost this time of year, i get seasonal depression and thus the mental beat down just gets worse. I know thats a root cause, with a handful of other things tho far more minor and insignificant from years back. I dont know how to stop all this, or to stop adding fuel to the fire the intrusive thoughts, dark voices, or mental demons (whichever suits your fancy) feed so desperately off of. My go to has always been to back off and isolate myself. Over time i noticed interactions with people are what it really pits against me, so if i back away from people for a while, it loses its fuel source and dies out. I then get my break from the mental warfare, i get hopefully some sort of quality time to myself during this, recover my foot hold over myself, and can eventually turn back to my friends and family comfortably without having to argue with myself their intentions and my self worth.

I dont want pity, i just need to rant and that feeling like im unloved, unwelcomed, a burden, and etc etc is at a ever creeping high at the moment for me right now. Ive always believed in letting out and talking to others about thoughts and emotions, helps yoy process things and open up. Rn i dont feel emotionally or mentally stable enough without absolutely breaking down and crumbling on those who i KNOW are there for me, always have and always will be. They dont need me losing my marbles on them, and i dont like people seeing or hearing me this low. I dont want anyone who unfortunately reads this to worry about me, especially doing anything drastic. Im a tough cookie and ive been through hell, this aint anything but its definitely a dark bumpy road that i WILL navigate. I just, i needed to rant and sort out my thoughts some, and between talking and typing it all out, those work best for me.

So for anyone that does unfortunately read this, sorry for possibly worrying you. I both am and am not fine, and the aspects of me that arent are things i plan on puttinf aside for now and recovering with for a bit. And until i learn anything else that works for me on battling and stopping this mental warfare i always get each year, im taking my people break, for my own selfish reasons. Im purposely going to make it harder to reach me for a while so that way my mind gets the social rest it needs to stop manipulating shit as i experience it. I cant stress how much i WILL be fine. I have my cats luna and bubba, my gecko tubby, my dogs pierre and louie. I have them for warmth, cuddles, kisses and company while im recouping. It might take me a bit to crawl back out of my hole, but i hope if anything i can come back to open arms friend wise when im feeling and doing far better than i am now. That itll be seen and treated like i was on vacation. These arent thoughts and emotions i like showing or displaying, another reason i isolate myself until im better.

If, for whatever reason you feel you need to or have to reach me, those who know how to reach me and can will. Im basically going to shrink access down to me to texts, cause everything else adds to the flip flop warfare of being over stimulating and under stimulating all at once. With everything else goin on in my mind and life rn, i really need whatever energy i have and can spare to get through all this in one piece, finish this semester, and get through this hellish time of the year without seasonal depression also fatiguing me.

I just... im in desperate need of me time if you will. And ill be back to my old usual self in hopefully a few weeks, maybe as long as until after Christmas. I just, i dont wanna don a mask in front of others, struggle to hold it up, break down, and feel worse. I dont like putting up fronts for others

Ill be fine, really. I think the only other thought i wanna express is that even when my mind tells and tries its hardest to convice me otherwise, i know im loved, wanted, and appreciated by people. I just cant confidently tell you why or what about me is worthwhile to others (i struggle with this even on normal days when everything is hunky dory), but i know this simple fact, and even if im struggling to hold onto it, trust me when i say that the usual me that gets so tired and worn out during times like this definitely knows and remembers, and its facts like this that i can, even in rocky times like this, guarantee ill be just fine, because its these tucked away facts that eventually help me get my foot hold again.

#rant #delete later

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