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sapphire-writes · 1 year

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Thin Ice (modern!HOTD series)

pairing: Aegon x Reader & Cregan Stark x Reader

summary: Aegon Targaryen is a hockey-playing, party-loving, self-centered player. You've sworn off guys like that. But fate intervenes and suddenly you're thrown into a partnership with him, a quid pro quo of sorts.

word count: 4.0k

warnings: 18+ series (language, mentions of sex, sex toys), college AU, hockey AU

note: here it is my loves! I can't wait to see what you think 😘

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Ch. 1: The Deal next chapter >

You swore to yourself you were done hooking up with athletes. You’re doing pretty well so far, a month into the fall semester, and still painfully celibate. And it wasn’t easy, especially when your toxic ex-friend with benefits kept blowing up your phone.

During your freshman year at King’s Landing University, you had a fling with Jason Lannister, a lacrosse-playing, business major who had you in tears more times than he ever managed to make you come. It was a very long semester.

The asshole still had the nerve to hit you up every now and then via text.

“Look at this,” you say, shoving your phone in Sara’s face.

The brunette glances up at you, stopping mid-bite of her panini, eyes widening at the messages. You’re sitting at your usual table for lunch at the north campus dining hall with Sara Snow and Helaena Targaryen, two of your best friends. It’s make your own panini day on Tuesdays, something Sara insists can never be missed.

“Block him,” she says swallowing, as you flip your phone upside down on the table.

Helaena nods her head, agreeing with Sara, not looking up from the biology notes she’s scrambling to complete before her class.

“He didn’t even add a question mark,” you continue, “I’m not even worth proper punctuation.”

Sara snickers at that, taking a sip from her drink as you lean forward, head in your hands. Helaena and Sara lock eyes as you do so, sharing a knowing look between them.

“He’s so annoying,” you groan, rubbing your temples.

“Who is?” Baela asks as she arrives, plopping into the seat to your right.

“Jay Lannister,” Sara tells her, and Baela glares at you.

“Do not fuck him,” Baela warns fire in her violet eyes, pointing her finger at you to emphasize her words.

Your mouth drops open in shock. She’s always calling you out, Baela can read you like a book.

“I’m not going to!” you tell her, but Baela shakes her head.

“You are a horny bitch,” Baela says, still pointing, “get a vibrator, get a dildo please-”

“Baela, oh my god we’re in public,” you tell her, moving to cover her mouth.

She swats your hand away.

“Do you think I care?” she says, smiling.

“You’re the worst and I hate you,” you tell her, “and I love you, please keep reality-checking me.”

“That’s a lot of feelings,” Sara comments.

“What do I do about Jason, seriously?” you ask once more.

“Block him!” is the unanimous response.

You sigh, but open your phone, deleting the text and blocking his contact. You hold the phone out to your friends, showing your dirty work.

“There? Happy?” you tell them.

“I am,” Baela says, and Sara and Helaena nod in agreement.

“You just need someone new to get under,” Sara comments, “and it’s the best time of year to do so.”

You blink at your best friend.

“I don’t follow.”

Sara sighs, as though you should know exactly what she’s talking about.

“Cuffing season?” she says, earning a blank stare.

Her eyes glance behind you, a smirk coming on her lips.

“And more importantly,” she says, head tilting to the side, tongue between her teeth, “hockey season.”

You turn in your seat, watching as the boys' hockey team enters the dining hall. Clearly, they’ve come from practice, all half-dressed, all freshly showered messes of men with shaggy hair framing their faces. They all sit together, like a pack of wolves, at the same table. Team bonding at its finest.

“Gods do I love a hockey flow,” Sara groans, biting her lip.

From October to April, the King’s Landing Knights own the ice. They own the entire college campus if you’re being completely honest. Most of the team lives together, throwing exclusive parties throughout the season at the so-called hockey house.

Sara hums in appreciation, watching as Jace Velaryon brushes some damp hair from his face, t-shirt riding up to expose his midriff. You can’t see her face, but you know Sara looks like she’s ready to sink her teeth into him. You know Jace from class, he’s a nice guy. Sara would be the death of him.

You turn back toward your friends.

“Is this why we came to north campus?” you ask and Sara shrugs.

“It’s an added bonus to panini day,” she tells you, earning a laugh from Helaena.

“I told you, I’m done with college athletes,” you tell them, “they’re all the same. No offense, Hel.”

You nod to Helaena who simply shrugs. Her brother Aegon plays hockey after all.

“No, you should speak your truth,” Helaena encourages.

Sara opens her mouth in shock, eyebrows knitting together as she brings a hand to her throat clutching imaginary pearls.

“Don’t talk about my Jacaerys that way!”

You laugh, nearly snorting your drink out through your nose.

“Your Jacaerys?” you ask through a laugh.

Though you suppose Jace should be exempt from the athlete slander.

“Well not mine yet, but soon,” she tells you, causing Helaena to raise an eyebrow.

“You’re going to bang my cousin?” Hel asks and Sara shrugs.

“It’s not my fault your entire family tree goes here,” Sara argues, causing Helaena to laugh.

“They've got a game this week. Come with me!” Sara begs, taking your hand in hers, “We’ll score invites to the afterparty at the hockey house!”

You tilt your head at Sara giving her an incredulous look, before turning to Baela and Helaena.

“It’s like she’s tuning me out on purpose,” you tell them, eliciting laughter.

“I am,” Sara agrees, “you need to get laid. Hard. Bed and bred, if you will.”

You choke on your drink again. A group of your peers at a nearby table glance in your direction and you’re sure they’ve heard Sara.

“Bred!?”

“Chill, you’re on birth control!”

“Not everyone has a breeding kink, Sara!”

“Don’t you kink shame me in this sacred dining hall-”

As soon as the words leave Sara’s lips, Rhaena arrives at the table, backpack slung over her shoulders, eyebrows knitting together.

“What did I just walk into?” she asks.

You turn in your seat, grabbing her hand.

“Save yourself,” you tell her dramatically, “it’s too late for us but there’s still hope for you.”

“Why are we talking about kink shaming at lunch?” Rhaena asks, sitting down.

Sara leans forward as though sharing a secret.

“Because I should be the one shaming our dear nerdy love here for not exploring her own,” Sara informs her, “Y/N doesn’t know what she’s missing out on.”

“I don’t need to get laid,” you inform them, pointing at Baela, “as Bae said, I am simply going to use my vibrator more often.”

“You need a human dick,” Sara scolds, “or else you’ll be fantasizing about Jason the whole time you buzz buzz.”

Your friends know you too well.

“I can’t even fantasize?” you ask pouting.

“I literally can’t with you,” Baela says, rolling her eyes, “Jason is a douche.”

“He once made you throw up from crying so hard,” Sara scolds, trying to bring you back to reality.

“He made you pay for takeout and didn’t order you any,” Helaena adds.

“He told you his-”

“Okay! Okay, I get it!” you tell them.

You know they’re right. But Jason is the friends-with-benefits situation you feel like you can’t let go of. Even though he was such an asshole to you.

“But if I’m getting a guy, I want someone sweet, someone nice, and loyal,” you tell your friends, setting some ground rules.

“You’re describing a dog,” Baela tells you, but Sara nods in agreement with you.

She bites her lip in encouragement. The conversation is going in her favor.

“Someone who can dick you down, degrade you a little, explore some hidden parts of your sexual psyche,” she adds, wiggling her fingers.

“Someone-”

“Someone like him,” Rhaena says, nodding back toward the hockey players.

You all turn, watching as someone joins the team. Your eyes widen watching him strut over to where the rest of his teammates sit. He’s big, totally jacked, with shaggy brown hair that matches the color of his closely shaved beard, despite a small patch that appears more auburn than brown.

His eyes are warm, the color of melted chocolate. He grins wolfishly taking his seat. Even though he’s wearing sweats you can tell his thighs are massive, matching the bulging biceps on display as he stretches. You let your eyes wander to another bulge you’re interested in, thoughts turning to mush in your head.

“Yeah,” you say, watching as he sits with the rest of the team.

“You know why his beard is like that, right?” Sara asks, eyes sparkling.

“Huh?”

“From eating too much pussy.”

“Sara!”

“What?”

“That’s Cregan Stark,” Baela answers the unspoken question in the room.

Sara claps her hands excitedly.

“I know him, I saw his name on the online roster,” Sara says, “he’s 6’3, plays goalie, loves dogs-”

“You’ve been studying the hockey roster?” Rhaena asks, laughing.

Sara nods enthusiastically.

“He’s a political science major,” Baela adds, “Cregan’s nice, I’ve had a couple of classes with him. Cool dude. Used to date Aly but I heard they broke up.”

“Which one?” you ask for clarification.

“Aly with a Y, not Ali with an I,” Baela adds, making the clarification between Alysanne Blackwood and Aliandra Martell.

“This is it,” Sara tells you, her face serious, “he’s the one.”

You look at Cregan again and watch him laugh as Jace says something. You find yourself smiling watching them talk, watching Cregan’s smile light up his whole face.

“And look! They’re besties too, it's perfect,” Sara says, gasping and making a pouty face.

“When is the game?” you ask, and Sara cheers.

“I’ll find out the details,” she says, smiling.

It’s a Tuesday, and you only have one afternoon class, thank the gods. Philosophy. Not the worst, not one of your all-time favorites. Luckily, being one of Helaena’s best friends meant access to her brother’s study guides. Aemond was seriously a philosophical genius.

You have no friends in this elective, so you sit toward the front and try not to doze off as your professor drones on about Kant and Decarte. Your phone buzzes on your desk and you glance at the text that appears.

“I have your papers from last week,” your professor says, holding a stack of papers in the air, “some of you impressed me,” he says beginning to hand them out, “others may need to stop by the academic resource center.”

Professor Orwylle stops in front of you placing your paper face down before smiling.

“Well done,” he murmurs, continuing around the room.

You turn the paper over revealing your perfect score. A shiver of pride rolls through you. Academic validation always feels so good.

“Fuck,” a deep voice says, causing you to turn.

Aegon Targaryen sits a few rows behind you, looking very displeased with the grade on his paper. You didn’t realize Aegon was in this class, though it's rather large to be fair, not your fault for not noticing him.

You have only spoken to Aegon a handful of times. Being friends with his sister and acquaintances with his brother, you’d bumped into him once or twice. He’s the eldest of his siblings, though they have an older half-sister they don’t really talk to.

Aegon is slumped in his seat, silver hair pushed off of his face. He looks like he just rolled out of bed, dressed in a clean white t-shirt and grey sweatpants. His eyes have dark circles underneath them, and two earrings dangle from his left earlobe.

He’s heartbreakingly handsome, truly the definition of a pretty boy with those pouty lips, dead violet eyes, and cherubic face. But he’s not your type. He’s a heartbreaker too, so you’ve heard, with a solid rotation of gorgeous girls on his arm.

Aegon Targaryen is a player.

Aegon Targaryen is a party boy.

Aegon Targaryen is an asshole. And you’ve sworn off guys like that.

“What’s good bro?” you hear Arryx Cargyll ask him as you turn back to face the front.

“This class is a fucking nightmare,” Aegon groans.

“I did alright,” Arryx tells him, smiling.

“Fuck you,” Aegon tells his friend, “why did I choose this elective.”

“Can’t your grandfather just donate more money? Get you out of it?” Arryx asks him, shoving his papers into his backpack.

“Yeah that’s not going to happen,” Aegon says shaking his head.

While Aemond and Helaena had no trouble getting into university, Aegon’s transcripts weren’t the best. He had a rough time during his teen years, in and out of programs. The only consistency was hockey, truly the only reason Aegon attended school at all. Even now. His grandfather spent a fortune donating to the school, funding the restoration of the library to have Aegon accepted.

“Don’t forget, the midterm exam is only 2 weeks away, if you haven’t started studying, you’re already behind,” your professor tells you, dismissing the class.

You gather your things, eager to leave the classroom. You text Sara as you leave the room, as Aegon remains seated.

“Mr. Targaryen,” Professor Orwylle says, beckoning him forward.

Aegon stands and makes his way toward the desk.

“I assume your wish is not to fail my class,” he asks as Aegon taps his foot nervously.

“Coach has already threatened to bench me,” Aegon tells him, “I need a good grade on this midterm or it’s fucking over for me-shit sorry- just over.”

Professor Orwyelle smiles tightly at him, a pitying look in his eye. Aegon’s had a lot of stress from home, he knows how hard this semester has been on him.

“Tell you what,” Orwylle says, “I suggest you reach out to one of your classmates, see if anyone can help you study, maybe do some tutoring. We can meet during my office hours, but I think you’ll need some additional support.”

Aegon nods, running a hand through his platinum hair.

“My brother took this class,” Aegon tells Orwyelle, who smiles remembering him, “he’ll have to help me.”

“I’m not helping you,” Aemond says, his voice soft, but firm in the library.

Aegon groans, earning several glares from nearby students trying to study. He drops into the seat across from Aemond.

“You’re a twat,” he whispers to his younger brother, “Aem, please, don’t make me beg.”

Aemond closes the book he’s reading, a massive historical textbook, before rubbing the scarred tissue above his eyebrow. Aegon watches him wince, unsure if Aemond’s eye is paining him or simply Aegon’s presence. The injury happened years ago that caused Aemond to lose his eye, their cousin is still in juvenile detention due to the incident.

“I can’t help you,” he tells Aegon, “I gave away all my study materials already.”

Aegon’s eyebrows furrow.

“To who?”

“One of Helaena’s friends.”

“Baela?”

“No.”

“Rhaena?”

“Nope.”

Helaena has so many friends they’re all blurring together. For an introverted STEM student, she’s quite popular.

“Who then?”

Aemond sighs at Aegon’s pestering, rubbing his eyes.

“Y/N,” he tells Aegon.

Aegon pauses for a moment, frowning. All the faces that Helaena surrounds herself with flash in his mind but he struggles to match a face to the name.

“Which one is that?”

Aemond glares at him.

“Aegon-”

“What? Helaena has a lot of friends,” Aegon argues.

“She came on the ski trip last year,” Aemond reminds him.

Oh.

He did remember you. The annual Targaryen family ski trip, Hel brought you along as her plus-one. Aegon remembered you in a skimpy little bathing suit at the ski lodge spending most of the day cooped up in the hot tub reading a book than actually skiing. Helaena had nearly plucked Aegon’s eyes from his skull. Cruel of her really, to bring along a hot friend and then demand Aegon leave her be.

“I know her,” Aegon says, “I didn’t realize she’s in my class.”

“You’re very unobservant,” Aemond comments, beginning to pack his things, “don’t bother her, she’s a nice girl.”

Aegon frowns, motioning to himself.

“And I’m not a nice guy?”

“Aegon.”

“I just need help with studying,” Aegon promises, “that’s all. Seriously, I cannot get benched this season. I can’t ask for another bailout.”

Aemond watches him closely.

“Helaena will kill you if you mess with one of her friends,” Aemond warns him.

“I know,” Aegon agrees, “it’s just for studying, I swear.”

He motions across his chest, crossing his heart. Aemond stares and raises an eyebrow at him. Nothing with Aegon is ever that simple.

“Hel is at the registrar’s office,” Aemond tells him, “if you want to ask her for Y/N’s number.”

Aegon clasps his hands together in appreciation.

“You’re a good brother,” he tells Aemond, standing.

“Mhmm,” Aemond says, going back to his work.

Aegon hurries across campus, luckily the registrar's office isn’t too far. He bumps into his sister as she’s leaving, frowning at her new schedule.

She looks up, noticing Aegon.

“I can’t switch to Medieval Archeology,” Helaena complains to her brother, “there’s a waitlist. Now I’m stuck in the History of Valyria. As if Dad didn’t quiz us incessantly as kids on our own culture.”

“I need a favor,” Aegon says following as Helaena walks down the hallway.

“Don’t you always?” she grumbles, taking out her phone.

“I need your friend Y/N’s number,” he says and Helaena freezes.

“Stupid question Egg,” she tells him, quirking an eyebrow, “No, I’m not giving you her number.”

“Please, I just-”

“Aegon,” Helaena says sharply, “Cassandra Baratheon doesn’t even speak to me anymore.”

Aegon winces dramatically.

“That was years ago,” he argues as Helaena refers to her high school best friend.

“My friends are off limits,” she tells him, “capiche?”

“I just need some study-”

“CAPICHE?” Helaena says, louder this time, with more authority in her normally soft voice.

“ALRIGHT!” Aegon says sighing, “I get it, seriously. I just need a tutor. That’s it.”

Helaena narrows her eyes.

“Fine. But I’m not giving you her number. You’re not getting easy access,” she says getting out her phone, “I’ll text her.”

Aegon sighs.

“Thank you,” he says and Helaena hums in response, sounding an awful lot like Aemond.

She says nothing as she texts and Aegon tries to peek over her shoulder causing her to glare at him. He reaches to turn her phone and she slaps his hand away.

“She’s on the quad,” Hel tells him.

“Perfect, you’re a lifesaver Hel,” he says before leaving.

You sigh dramatically as Helaena leaves you on read. You tilt your head back looking up toward the sky enjoying the feeling of the cool fall air on your face. The sun is still warm, it's early October and summer is just starting to truly slip away. You’re still basking in the sun when Aegon Targaryen sits down in front of you.

“What do you want, Aegon?” you ask, already annoyed by his presence.

He leans forward, smiling, cradling his chin in his palms. He bats his lashes at you, looking ever so innocent. You raise an eyebrow at him.

“The pleasure of your company,” he teases.

“Mhmm,” you answer, looking at him.

“I need a tutor,” he tells you, “I’m failing philosophy, and if I fail this semester I’ll be benched for the rest of the season”

Of course, it all comes back to hockey for Aegon.

“Why don’t you ask Aemond to tutor you?”

“He said no,” Aegon tells you, “I figured you’d be more open to my begging.”

Your cheeks turn red.

“Well you thought wrong,” you tell him, “I don’t have time for tutoring this semester.”

“C’mon, I know you tutored last semester,” he tells you, pouting, “And midterms are coming up! What’s more important than sharing your knowledge with those less fortunate?”

Getting dicked down by Cregan Stark, you think to yourself but bite your tongue.

Aegon’s brows knit together, noticing the blush on your cheeks, the pause in your train of thought.

“There has to be something I can do,” he says, “something I can help you with, tell me.”

“There’s nothing,” you insist, shaking your head.

“Come on, don’t be shy,” Aegon says again, “Tell me, what’s a guy got to do to earn your help?”

Sara would kill me if I waste this opportunity.

“Okay,” you say with a sigh, “I want invites to the party at the hockey house on Friday. Guaranteed entrance.”

Aegon raises a brow.

“Tutor girl has a thing for hockey guys now, huh?”

The blush on your cheeks darkens. Aegon smirks, giving you a once-over.

“You know Jace, why don’t you ask him to hook you up?”

“We’re not close.”

Aegon’s eyes narrow.

“Who do you have your eye on?” he asks, curiously.

“No one,” you lie to him, and he sighs, leaning back in his chair.

“Can’t help you if you’re not honest with me, sweetheart.”

“Don’t call me that,” you insist, “and I just want the invite.”

“C’mon give me a hint,” Aegon says, relentlessly, “What’s your type? What position, forward? Center? Left-wing? Goalie?”

Your treacherous body gives you away, breath-catching as he says the word and your lower lip gets caught between your teeth. Aegon grins triumphantly.

“Goooalie,” he says, elongating the word.

He releases a boyish giggle as you turn red. He’s enjoying this too fucking much.

“Cregan Stark, huh?” Aegon chuckles, “Never took you for a puck bunny.”

You glare at him, snapping your book closed.

“Are you going to help me, or should I direct you toward the academic resource center?” you snap, feeling all too embarrassed for even admitting to Aegon you have a crush on Cregan.

“Relax, bunny,” he teases, holding his hands up in surrender, “I’ll help you.”

He holds a hand out toward you. You glance at his outstretched hand, at the silver rings on his thumb and index finger. Aegon wiggles his fingers at you, expectantly. You raise an eyebrow at him and he sighs.

“You want to fuck Stark or not?” Aegon asks, causing your eyes to widen, “cause he’s an enigma, you’ll need my help.”

“Enigma,” you say pursing your lips, “that’s a big word for you, Aegon.”

“Not the only thing that’s big,” Aegon answers, like it’s a preprogrammed response.

Your eyebrows shoot up to your hairline and you give him a disapproving glare.

“Sorry,” Aegon chuckles, “force of habit.”

“This alliance is time-limited,” you tell him, firmly setting a boundary, “I help you pass, you help me talk to Cregan.”

Aegon’s eyebrows raise, an amused smile on his face. You feel as though you’re selling your soul to the devil himself, the way he’s impishly grinning at you.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself,” he tells you.

You reach across the table, extending your hand for him to shake. With a smirk, Aegon takes your hand in his, the cool metal from his rings pressing against your fingers in juxtaposition to the warmth of his rough palm. A shiver rolls down your spine as he squeezes your hand.

“It’s a deal.”

note: as always comments, likes, & reblogs are always appreciated, I hope this sets up the story for you and I'm excited to share where it goes! MWAH LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!! 😘

I'm tagging my HOTD taglist, but will create a separate tag for this fic as well so comment below if you would like to be tagged in future parts!

HOTD taglist:

@bluevxnuss, @thattargboy, @xlilacfrostx, @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed, @marvelescape, @geminithrone, @deltamoon666, @i-killed-ramsey, @tempt-ress, @eddiemadmunson, @zillahvathek, @hangmanscoming, @jojoesq, @f4ll-for-you, @rwdkarla, @cc13723things, @filipiniamultifandom, @watercolorskyy @alexxavicry @sachafirebringer @polireader @jamespotterismydaddy @grv7ay9In35s @sofiaadler @sophielangdonx @doublesparrows, @sophielangdonx, @alitaar, @castellomargot, @paodemorangol1l1, @nik2blog, @arkainea @eddiemadmunson, @malfoytargaryen, @eudximoniax, @targaryen-world, @ghostheartbeat @savagemickey03, @aemondsdaemons, @candypurplebutterfly, @eddiemadmunson, @xxnaly2, @ghostheartbeat, @savagemickey03, @dieg0brandos-wife, @paodemorangol1l1, @hb8301, @padfooteyes, @valeskafics

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leahsfavefics · 5 months

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All I Want for Christmas is Joon (Teaser)

Title: All I Want for Christmas is Joon

Banner: the incredible @kithtaehyung

Pairing: art historian!Namjoon x art historian!reader (f)

Rating/genre: m (18+) angst, fluff, smut, second chance au

Estimated WC: 20k - this teaser is 792 words!

Posting Date: Dec 21st

Summary: You have had a rough year following the mutual break up with your grad school sweetheart. On a whim, you book a spontaneous trip to Europe for the holidays to help get you out of the funk you’re in and assert your independence. It would be great, if it weren’t for the fact that you keep bumping into your ex boyfriend.

Part of the Jingle All the Way collab!

BEFORE:

Your fingers itched over your computer mouse, hesitating on the ‘click’ you so ardently wanted to make. Anxiety held you back.

“Just do it,” Melissa hollered from your kitchen. You smiled, impressed at how she sensed your hesitation somehow. Outside of your family, she’s one of only two people that could ever read you that well. Though you guess that now she’s the only person that can, since the other is your ex-boyfriend that you haven’t seen in over a year.

You took her encouragement with a grain of salt. She was always egging on whatever hair brained idea you had, ever since elementary school. This time, though, maybe she was right.

“It’s expensive. And I’d be all by myself. I’ve never traveled all by myself,” you whined in response.

“Bitch, it’s literally cheaper than it’s ever going to be,” she shot back, strolling into the living room and leaning against the couch where you sat. You couldn’t argue. The Travel Tuesday flight deals this year were insane. You’ve never seen a round trip flight to Europe be less than $500, and somehow the itinerary you’ve secured rang in at $386.00 round trip, taxes and fees included. It was probably a bulk fair with a million restrictions and you’d be fucked if you wanted to change it, but the flight left in 3 weeks. If you booked this, you were going no matter what.

“And traveling by yourself is not bad,” Melissa continued. “Obviously I’d rather be on a girls’ trip with you or on a trip with Taehyung, but it’s also really nice to not have to worry about anyone but yourself. Sure, there’s no one to take cute pictures of you unless you want to ask a stranger, but you can do whatever you want without consulting with anyone or taking their feelings into account. Craving sushi? Go get sushi! Want a nap? Go take a nap! Want to check out an obscure museum no one would be interested in but you? Do it! You only have yourself to worry about.”

You sighed. “You’re right, I know you’re right. But you’re so much more adventurous than I am.” Mel and her husband, Taehyung, were always going off and doing the wildest of things. Going on amazing trips around the world, skydiving, scuba diving, the list goes on. Whether they were a match made in heaven or hell, you weren’t sure- they rarely said no to each other’s schemes. They were happy though, and beyond in love, and that’s all you could ever want for your best friend.

“That’s not true.” Melissa said. “You’re adventurous, you’re just also nervous. Ever since…. You know what. You’ve been complaining that you want to get better at doing things on your own. This is your chance. And you’ve wanted to go to Norway for ages. You can’t achieve your dreams if you’re afraid to pull the trigger when the opportunity presents itself.” You winced, but it was the truth. The hard truth, but the truth nonetheless. And you trusted Melissa to give it to you straight when you needed it. Since the breakup with Namjoon over a year ago, you’d been wallowing. The two of you did everything together, attached at the hip since you met in your grad school apartment building the weekend you both moved in. You’d made it all through college, moving in together the second year of school into a nice apartment off campus that you still occupied. The study abroad semester Namjoon spent in Paris had been tough, especially because you’d only had enough time and money for one brief visit, but it wasn’t until college was over that things fell apart. Art History is a tough field to get a job in. You were both insanely lucky to land jobs fresh out of college. Grades and letters of recommendation helped, but still. It was unfortunate that they were across the country. You’d barely made it through one bout of long distance. You thought it better to end things rather than face that again, and with no end date in sight.

“You’re right. I know how to travel. Namjoon and I took a few trips together. And you and I have gone on trips together. I need to learn how to be comfortable doing things on my own. I’m 25 years old. I can’t wait around forever.” You nodded as you spoke, convincing yourself. Taking a shaking breath, you squeezed your eyes shut and made that final click.

Melissa squealed in excitement and pulled you in for a constricting hug that pulled a laugh from you despite your nerves about your newly booked solo adventure. “I’m so proud of you! And excited! You’re going to fucking Norway!!”

#bts fanfic #namjoon fanfic #bts fanfiction #namjoon fanfiction #namjoon x reader #namjoon au

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topguncortez · 1 year

Text

I thought that this detox/hiatus/whatever the fuck would last longer, but I'm a glutton for punishment and can't stay away from this hellsite no matter how hard I try. might be my abandonment issues. . . anyway, conversation for my therapist

thank you all for the nice asks, messages, reblogs, comments. I read them all, I promise you that! I know that the good out ways the bad, and I should've just been the bigger more mature person and not post that anon, but it just struck something with me.

I know that I can sometimes come across as a bitch or blunt, I know that believe me. I can be cold and heartless. It's a trauma response, but not an excuse. I have been working on myself for years with the help of medication, several types of therapies, support groups, you name it, I've probably tried it. I am a work in progress. If I have ever offended you, or pissed you off, or said something that hurt you, I truly, truly apologize. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.

The internet is a truly glorious and hideous place. I have met some many people that I would give up my whole savings account to meet. . . and I have met some that I would love to build a Time Machine and avoid.

I love that the TG fandom has made me friends, literally, all around the world. I love that TG has gotten me back into writing. I love it, I really do. . .But things need to change.

The vile, nasty hate that not have I been subjected to, but so have many others on here, needs to stop. It's truly alarming the things that you are saying to other human beings. It is not normal, it is not right, and I truly hope that you seek out professional help. If you are praying for nasty, vile, awful things to happen to another human, you need to be seeking professional help.

And to that anon, I really, really hope that you are having a better day/night/whatever than you were when you decided to come into my inbox and be mean. You don't know my story, and I don't know yours. So maybe, you were having a bad day, and needed to lash out at someone. I have bad days too, I know the feeling. But what you said was not okay, and I hope you know that. I hope that you know deep, down in your heart that what you said was wrong and gross, and you are getting help and having a better day.

as for me coming back and writing again. . . I really don't know. Like I said, I got abandonment issues so I can't say "no I'm done" or "yes I'm back". I have been wanting to step away for a bit and just slow down on my writing. I feel like everything I have put out lately has been total shit, so I'm gonna take this time to just write and not worry about posting. I am almost done with this semester from hell, and I can taste the summer air. Maybe once I'm done with school, I'll throw a party and get back into the swing of things.

I really would love this summer to be like last summer. Where the dash was full of us thirsting over lil fictional pilots flying lil planes. I hate seeing drama. I hate seeing hate. I hate seeing writers and creators beg and plead for reblogs and interactions. I hate it and I hope things change heading into the summer.

alright, enough, rambling.

long story short, I'll be around, lurking in the shadows like I usually am.

I love you all,

-Grace:)

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vashtijoy · 1 year

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I am so sorry if I missed it somewhere but is it confirmed that Akechi killed Wakaba? It is heavily implied but I am curious if you translated the moment when Akechi and Shido mention Wakaba?

And the second question: Is there something interesting in Feather Seeker?

Thank you in advance!!

Hi, anon, I'm so glad you asked as this one has been on my mind a lot lately. I think this is long enough without me getting into Featherman Seeker, lmao, but if you want to drop me another ask about it, I'll hopefully get to it soon.

To answer your question up front: yes, it is pretty much confirmed that Akechi kills Wakaba. Here's Sae, interrogating Joker about Kaneshiro:

Sae 若葉の死は2年前⋯『あれ』が起き始めた時期とも一致する⋯ wakaba no shi wa ninenmae... "are" ga okihajimeta jiki to mo icchi suru... Wakaba's death was two years ago... That also coincides with when the incidents started occurring...

IIRC this is the line that the idea that Wakaba was the first person Akechi murdered comes from. It's not explicit that she was the first victim—in this line, Sae has only just realised Wakaba didn't kill herself—but if she wasn't, she may very well have been the first to immediately die.

What gives far more credit to the idea that a. Wakaba was the first person Akechi killed, and b. that he feels bad about it to this day, are the various mentions of her that he sprinkles through his dialogue. And that's what the rest of this post will largely be about—though page down to see more about the Shido scene you asked about.

akechi and wakaba

Akechi mentions Wakaba by name several times. I talked recently about how Akechi's use of ellipsis can be important, how it sometimes indicates something deeper going on—surprise, or shock, or a hidden emotion. Or that he's just taking his time—sometimes an ellipsis is just a pause for effect, and Akechi does use them a lot.

But ALL FIVE of Akechi's mentions of Wakaba by name—two in the first year, and three in the third semester—have an ellipsis. They have that pause that indicates he's for some reason thinking more about what he's saying.

Let's take them one by one.

8/28 in leblanc

NB (2023/05/21): putting a quick note here to say that I'm pretty sure now that the mention of Wakaba on 8/28 is not out of surprise, he's prepared for it and intending to mention her all along. So he doesn't open up until Joker and Futaba ask him (without words) what's wrong. At some point I'll rewrite this whole section (hopefully), but for now see below! for the continued WAKABA ANGST.

This one is pretty easy to cover: Sojiro cuts him off as soon as he mentions Wakaba. I don't know about this scene. I never know how much he's genuinely surprised, how much he doesn't expect to see Futaba out of the house, how much he's just being a bitch, prodding and poking because he can, to get a response, like he does.

The interesting thing is that, of course, seeing Futaba segues into his notorious "trauma dump"—he ends up telling Joker and Futaba about his childhood, about how he was an orphan passed from place to place. Did he walk in intending to do that? I very much doubt it. And one more thing before we move on:

... they ask him what's bothering him. They look at him like "? dude sup". The trauma dump is not as unprovoked as it seems.

And there's no sign that he connects with Joker over it—of course—but you know who he does connect with?

Yep. Futaba sees the similarity between his story and her own. And it looks like Akechi sees the similarities too. That suggests IMO that his background is not dissimilar to hers—that, as the anime suggests, he was fostered by a succession of family members who neglected and probably abused him, as Futaba's story describes.

... and we get another ellipsis. Just a pause as he reaches for her name, perfectly innocuous. Except he knows her name; he's been talking to Sae about her.

I don't know. This is an incredibly hard scene to read. He has that performatively-sad cut-in that I don't trust at all, for a start; he could be being purely malicious, or sharing more than he intends; he could be genuinely shocked to see Futaba, or fascinated to see one of his living victims face-to-face. Or the whole thing could be a performance for Joker's benefit. It's an interesting scene, that's for sure.

shido and akechi

This is the scene you asked about, of course. Strap in. Shido talks about pulling the plug on cognitive psience, Akechi touches his chin and leans back, and he says this:

Akechi 一色若葉⋯でしたっけ? あの研究者。素直に従えば、死ぬことはなかったのに。 isshiki wakaba... deshita kke? ano kenkyuusha. sunao ni shitagaeba, shinu koto wa nakatta no ni. ...Wakaba Isshiki, was it? That researcher. She wouldn't have had to die if she just complied. It was ... Wakaba Isshiki, yes? That researcher? If only she'd been more amenable, she might have lived.

This is pretty well translated in the localisation. Some notes:

We have that kke—Akechi is not saying "do you mean Wakaba Isshiki, Shido-san", in case you were wondering, he's saying "am I remembering right that her name was Wakaba Isshiki".

sunao ni shitagaeba—literally, "if she could have meekly obeyed", but in English, unless we want to sound like murderous psychopaths (cough), we say "if she could have complied; if she could have been amenable".

Lastly, we have that no ni, at the end, which gives the statement a sense of regret, which turns that "if she could have complied" into "if only she could have complied". "She might not have died; what a shame". In the Japanese audio (and for all I know btw, this happens in the English audio too), Akechi's tone and manner change on this line, from sinister and self-satisfied to something slower and more preoccupied. On his next couple of lines, his speed and smuggery progressively pick back up.

Here's the scene—it's fascinating to listen to his voice shift, especially to how dark it gets when he tells Shido how he agrees with his ideology and supports him politically. (lol) Plus, watch out for the evil wink, as he mocks his public image.

This should be "celebrity ace detective", by the way—while karisuma does mean "charisma", a karisuma is a person, a celebrity. It's often translated correctly in P5, just not here.

ok but back to wakaba

So what's going on here as regards Wakaba? First of all, Akechi does remember her—he's been talking about her with Sae since at least July. Shido knows Akechi murdered Wakaba—that's not the point. Shido knows Akechi is pretending to investigate the shutdowns and breakdowns—so the mere fact that Akechi knows her name is not the point either.

No, what's going on here is that Akechi doesn't want Shido to know he thinks about Wakaba. That, after two years, he still has her name at his fingertips. And so we get exactly the same style of pause as in the Leblanc scene with Futaba, when he pauses for just a moment to act like he doesn't properly know her name. We get that moment when his voice shows that he's feeling something and concealing it beneath his mask.

That's a pause that implies remorse or guilt, IMO. The mask he shows Shido is essentially Cognitive Akechi—gleeful, remorseless, sadistic, relentless. Make no mistake, there's a lot of Akechi in it, like there's a lot of him, despite what he'd like to think, in the detective prince. There's a lot of how Akechi aspires to be in his mask for Shido, and a lot of what he truly values about himself. But it is still a mask. And one of the things it's hiding is that Akechi still thinks more about Wakaba than he wants Shido to know.

This, IMO, is what implies that Wakaba was his first murder—this odd little moment where he has to pretend he doesn't properly remember her.

the third semester

The third semester is where it all gets a little more complicated. Akechi mentions Wakaba three times here; the most emotion he shows is when he first sees her. And the likelihood is strong that anything he feels about her is overshadowed by his own predicament—namely, being dead.

First of all, here's that moment when he first sees her. And you can see him understand: he looks at her for a long moment, then he touches his chin and has one of his "...... putting-it-all-together" thinky moments:

... and then he puts on his bright smile and the detective prince voice to get Joker outside. That's to say: he comes in without his customary pleasant-boy mask, sees Wakaba, and then drops straight back behind it—when he must have known there were others present on the way in. Like he needs a heavier mask to make sure he doesn't fuck up. Or to hide something.

Let's look at those three times Akechi mentions Wakaba, one by one:

1/2 in the launderette

The only thing I'd pick at in the localisation of this little exchange is the missing ellipsis on the last line, so let's take the rest of it straight:

Akechi: But, what's even more unbelievable to me is... Joker: Wakaba. Akechi: That's right.

Akechi ⋯一色若葉。 ... isshiki wakaba Wakaba Isshiki. ... Wakaba Isshiki.

Here's the scene. All we really have for his Wakaba textbox is the ellipsis, but listen to the first one—"what's even more unbelievable to me is...", and compare his tone to the preceding lines where he's been all business and matter-of-fact. Do you hear his voice thinning? It's by far the most unsettled he sounds all scene; Wakaba's presence is difficult for him.

And it's not his own death that's in question. If you ask him "how are you alive", he'll deal with it then—he looks away with the sad sprite, but then picks himself up fast. Even his model looks away, which is a bit of a tell—but as for traces in his voice of what's really happening, no, there are none.

1/8 at leblanc

There are no interesting vocal tricks here—a week later, Akechi is well on top of the reality around him and his own situation. And he doesn't like it—this is the "it makes me want to puke / I'll be the one to choose my path" phone call. It's only at the end of the call that some emotion creeps in, as he asks what's happening with the other Phantom Thieves, and if Joker is still on course.

Let's take a look at the original first line:

Akechi 死んだはずの若葉や奥村⋯彼女らは本当に『生きている』ことになってる。 shinda hazu no wakaba ya okumura... kanojora wa hontou ni "ikiteiru" koto ni natteru It seems that Okumura and Wakaba are both considered alive by all accounts.

I'm not sure what's going on with the noun order here, on wakaba ya okumura—it's been rendered "Okumura and Wakaba". I can't track down a reason this would be grammatically necessary (anyone know?); more than that, Akechi clearly considers Wakaba the more important of the two—he goes on to group them with kanojora, "her and her group".

There's possibly a bit of foreshadowing here, too—lists with ya tend to be incomplete lists; they have a sense of "et cetera". So wakaba ya okumura is "Wakaba, Okumura and so on". Who's Akechi's unnamed "and so on"? Yeah. But see below on 2/2—he may well just mean "no doubt there are lots of other cases like this".

So that's probably the real reason he trails off here—it's not about Wakaba, it's about him. Likewise, when that bit of feeling creeps into his voice at the end of the call, that's still about him, and whether Joker is going to follow through. But Akechi is still thinking primarily about Wakaba, rather than Okumura, who was, by all accounts, an asshole almost as bad as Shido.

2/2 at leblanc

Akechi 一色若葉や奥村のこともある⋯そこに違和感を覚えないほど、僕は馬鹿じゃないさ。 isshiki wakaba ya okumura no koto mo aru... soko ni iwakan o mienai hodo, boku wa baka ja nai sa There were also the cases of Wakaba Isshiki and President Okumura... Of course I'd find all of that suspicious. And then there was Wakaba Isshiki, and Okumura... I'm not so stupid as to not find their presence unsettling.

Man, once again Okumura has been promoted by the localisation. Someone really likes this guy. Akechi says isshiki wakaba ya okumura—the same usage as before, despite that he's been outed as dead—"Wakaba Isshiki and Okumura". But in English, Okumura is suddenly President Okumura, presumably so we don't mix him up with Haru. Make no mistake, though, Akechi is not giving Okumura the benefit of his title.

Wakaba is up front again, of course, coming to Akechi's mind first. Maybe because if he just said "Isshiki and Okumura", we wouldn't know who he was talking about?—even in Japanese, Wakaba always gets her full or given name. Maybe so. Or maybe not.

Also note the very Akechi usage boku wa baka ja nai sa—"I'm not that much of an idiot, you know." This is rolled into the rather more bland "Of course I'd find that suspicious", probably to fit it into the textbox.

And yeah, the ellipsis. That pause, and the word Akechi uses that's rendered as "suspicious"—iwakan. Not a detective's suspicion, but unease; a sense of incongruity, of wrongness, almost uncanny valley. It's the unsettling feeling that something is out-of-place. The sentiment "I killed them, and yet there they are, walking about" is very iwakan.

conclusions??

yes, Akechi certainly kills Wakaba.

yes, the exposition sequence with Akechi and Shido supports this.

... yeah, it really seems like he feels bad about it. Not bad enough to overshadow his concern for himself, perhaps, and never badly enough to get in the way of his current obsession, of course. But he's not wholly without conscience. He still thinks about her, and there are slight suggestions he might even think about what he does to Futaba—like when he sees her, and thinks of Wakaba, and promptly trauma dumps all over the Leblanc counter. Like when his voice gets a bit softer when she comes up.

also the localisation loves Okumura way too much

#persona 5 #p5 meta #japanese language #i hate the marukiverse #goro akechi #ren amamiya #wakaba isshiki #asks

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ciaraloves · 2 years

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how to "get shit done": uni work addition

hi loveliest people so this is a sort of guide to how i get through uni work without going completely insane (make no mistake there is still some insanity present). I hope you find it helpful, or at least entertaining,

(disclaimer cause this is the internet: these work for me, they may not work for you)

table of contents:

a. date it

b. set reminders

c. how to stay on top of it

d. how to get on top of it if you aren't already

e. learn when your brain needs a break

f. uni is a full time job, treat it as such

A. date it

okay the first thing i do at the beginning of every semester is put uni dates in my calendar.

Term dates: when your term starts, when it ends, and your holidays. this is not just for information purposes but also so you have something to look forward to. additionally, it helps later on when you have to plan out assignment and test dates.

Assignment/ test dates: scour through the course outlines of all your courses and put every single date into your calendar. every assignment, every test, anything you have to submit goes in. that includes things like "weekly quizzes". make it a recurring date and chuck it in there.

B. set reminders

so i usually do this in my calendar but if you have a reminders app, or prefer other ways to set reminders then use that.

these reminders are not to make you feel bad for not doing work, it's to hold you responsible for your work. if you know you spiral at the idea of seeing a reminder when you haven't done work, this strategy may not work for you. don't give up, something will work. keep trying and have patience with yourself

if you know something is approaching it's easier to plan your life and your tasks around it. if you never know how long you have or you're always scrambling to figure out when something is due your mind is so focused on the dates it has no time for the work

Assignment reminders:

2 weeks before // 1 week before // 3 days before // 1 day before // 10 minutes before // on time of event

Test reminders:

1 week before // 3 days before // 1 day before // 1 hour before // on time of event

I know this may be excessive but if you're someone like me who constantly forgets things, it is very helpful to keep yourself on track

okay trust me you got this! i promise it's not as bad as it looks. right onto readings and assignments.

C. how to stay on top of it

do one reading per course per day: this is non-negotiable. trust me it is the easiest way to get through readings for a week.

if you have four courses of five readings each you will end up doing four readings a day from Monday to Friday. it is workable and you can do it. uni is fucking difficult and everyone has a story about why they're there but i promise you if you're there, the selection processes decided you were capable enough to handle it. and you are. if you can, start a week earlier so you're a little ahead otherwise it's totally okay.

2. start research for assignments 2 weeks before it is due. this will give you time and space to sort through what is relevant, useful, or should be discarded.

i have a folder for each assignment where all my research goes. within this folder there are three other folders: a. done and dusted b. too long/ not relevant c. could be helpful if i cared enough

and as i go through each paper/article/etc. i sort it into one of the three folders

while i am doing my research i also have a google doc open (shortcut that saved my life btdubs: "doc.new" directly into the browser search bar) that i write notes on.

a. things i think will help support my arguments b. things i found interesting c. themes that keep cropping up in the literature (advantages, disadvantages, limitations, concepts, theories, future directions) d. things i disagree with and will either argue against or find some way to bitch about (seriously have fun with your assignments) e. statistics

3. study notes should be your understanding of the topic:

it is beneficial to write the heading and then write as much as you can on what you know even if it's random words muddled on a page. then fill in using lecture notes, anything in your readings you found helpful, and obviously your course sources like textbooks.

the most important piece of advice i can give you for study notes is: MAKE THEM FUNNY AND WITHOUT FILTER you do not have to sound professional, you do not have to sound like you're writing a textbook. i am dead serious:

here's an excerpt from my clinical psychology study notes in 3rd year: Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder: set a boundary between what we would consider to be normal and appropriate grieving behaviour and what we could consider to be disordered or inappropriate grieving behaviour. (literally the dumbest thing i've ever heard? Who are we to tell people they’re grieving wrong????)

D. how to get on top of it if you aren't already

If you’re already behind but you’re attending class, leave the work you’re behind on in the past. (yes that was meant to rhyme).

Spend one weekend going through lecture slides and lecture content only. Don’t worry about the readings for the lectures, just leave those. If you don’t understand what’s happening then go and do readings. Skim the abstracts of those readings and if they look like they’re not going to help you don’t do them.

Reach out to your lecturer or tutor or supervisor and say:

“Good day [name/honorific] I am struggling to understand [this topic] despite working through the lecture notes and readings on it. Please may I have some guidance as to how I can better understand this. (alternative: please can I see you during your office hours for a brief explanation and further resources to help me better understand the topic) Hope to hear back soon! [sign off]”

then apply all this to the above on assignments and study notes.

E. learn when your brain needs a break

sometimes you really just have to shut down. sometimes your brain is saying "if you don't give me a break right now i am going to do it for us and it is going to get ugly". please listen. do whatever you need to.

a. sleep for an entire day, hell an entire weekend.

b. binge watch something

c. read something

d. go out

e. go on a hike

f. stay with a friend

g. visit your parents

F. uni is a full time job, treat it as such

i cannot stress enough that uni literally is a large, possibly the biggest part, of your life. it is very difficult to sideline it without getting overwhelmed.

however, that doesn't mean you don't deserve time off. give yourself insurance, free healthcare, an understanding boss. you are not a robot. you are living, and alive, and you need many things to keep you that way. work alone is not going to help. but play alone is not going to help either. find the balance that works for you by listening to yourself. and then stick to the balance.

goodluck beautiful beans. i believe in you wholeheartedly <3

if you have any questions my ask box is always open. and if you want more detail for anything let me know!

#ciara’s convos #university #uni #university advice #academic advice #academics #ciara’s guides

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munamania · 3 months

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so right a couple of my film friends and i met last night to do wine and glee and i left and tried to catch a bus in our gross rainy cold weather and so when it finally comes im just like zoo wee mama my glasses r fogging up and all that shit. but who of course is on the bus but my one friend the main perpetrator of acting like im some flaky cunt (rant city below)

so i guess technically this wouldnt look great on my part bc i was obviously Somewhere and had been ignoring the group chat making plans but oh my GOD whatever who careessssss who Cares. so im like fucking phenomenal ok walk back Omg hi and she moves her shit so i can sit and i get settled and am like hey. and she asks what i was up to and ofc when i say anything bc this is fucking awkward shes just got this stupid smug little smile but i was just sitting there like bitch im not gonna sit here and act embarrassed for seeing my other friends so i was just like So are u guys doing x tn and shes like mhm yep are you coming and i was like well gee i dont know. sarcastic shrug. make conversation about the timing of the place for a second kinda jokin then awk silence

and so then because im a chill normal adult and am aware that shes about to go meet the group of friends and no matter what this interaction is going to be brought up and i had been planning on composing a levelheaded text but i just said Look im sorry that i ghosted you guys (and shes again smug smiling nodding next to me. girl.) i just honestly got tired of feeling like im being singled out and judged when i cant make it to something and she literally is just like Well im sorry you feel that way just u know we do try to come up w different days etc (if u like me are bad at reading between the lines this was a non apology and defense based on uh Nothing) and i was like right well ik last semester wasnt great it's just that sometimes i feel like im being shunned in the group chats when no one answers or reacts to anything i say and the other day when you said like. yk the 'could u commit' thing that felt really sort of condescending

and shes like again well im sorry u felt that way i was just trying to find another day that u could actually make it cause i wanted us all to be there so im not really sure how that came across as condescending but um yeah. and i, jackass that i am (<3) pulled out my phone and pointed and said Well u see we didnt have actual plans and in fact no one answered when i said anything abt it and yk things come up and so for me to have sent this whole nice thing and just get 'do you think youd be able to commit' in response felt a little bit needlessly mean (and i also tried to earnestly say at some point in all this that i genuinely do love and care for them and want to see them but yk this Sucks and was just bad timing)

THEN we somehow spin into her going Well i just had no idea this was even a thing until you brought it up just now i mean i wasnt even thinking abt it ive never really thought that of you etc and so then im sitting here feeling like im being gaslit in real time not to be dramatic and i felt very much like when i was in high school and people manipulated me bc i was a very easy target (its not that real but w/e) and so im like Ok be calm but dont just like let that slide cause girl be serious (prob should have but what ever) so i was like well you know i do apologize if i just couldnt tell your intent over text, but after you guys never answered me about hanging out and then the short responses like maybe u can kind of see where i felt like you were being rude (didnt say it quite that bluntly w/e)

and she pulls out the big card. the. well i just think youre being defensive. oh years and years of being the youngest and punished for um having feelings lmfao slammed me in my chest at that moment. and i calmly said Okay cool i think youre being defensive. and i lit missed my bus stop cause this driver was swerving so then i was just like Well you guys have fun maybe ill see you tonight bye. so. really feeling awesome abt the state of that. in all reality tho it's like i hung out w some friends and then went out to the gay bar w others and danced and etc and i can only imagine how much of a Thing this was for them so. if someone could win it'd be me right

(on another note at some point during this ride sams roommate requested to follow me back <3 which i had been pretending not to think abt for the last couple hours) anyway

this has been a post let me know if im being normalish

#abby talks

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lukehughesbabymama · 7 months

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Luke Hughes Blurb

Getting sick in college is probably the easiest thing for a human to do.

Early into the second semester at school, you'd gotten frat flu and were down for the count. You had felt it building up over the past couple of days with a sore throat, headache, fatigue etc. But shit hit the fan on Tuesday night.

After finally falling asleep, you woke up shortly after, feeling violently nauseous. Without even checking the time you grabbed your phone and ran to the bathroom of the sorority house.

You started to throw up into the toilet and feel the full effects of your sickness. It was miserable. Though it wasn't long before your best friend walked into the bathroom disgruntled, and squinting from the bright bathroom lights.

"You hungover?", she asked, obviously half awake.

"Bitch I'm sick", you said lifting your head from the toilet bowl to look at her.

"Holy fuck you look like shit", she laughed a little.

As uncalled for as it was, she was right. You were pale, had bedhead paired with the worst eye bags in the universe, and were laying over a toilet.

"Thanks", you said sarcastically smiling, "What time is it?"

"Like 5:30. You got me up early for my 8 am, how sweet"

She sat on the grown next to you leaning against the wall behind her. She really did tend to you throughout the night though, rolling up a towel to lay your head on between yacking, and getting you water which you proceeded to throw back up 5 minutes later. Nevertheless, you were grateful.

It started to get closer to 8 and you were not doing any better. But you knew you had to get to the campus health center if you were going to survive another day.

"Come on y/n lets get you to health services", she suggested.

"No, I actually can't", you moaned, "I can't stand up or walk I'm not even kidding"

She huffed at your slight exaggeration.

"Well, I have to go to class soon" she trailed off.

"Ok, where's my phone, I'm just gonna call Luke"

Until that moment you had forgotten you had a boyfriend with a car whose hockey practice just ended at 7:30. And despite whatever front he would put up, he would move a mountain for you if you needed him to.

She passed you your phone from the bathroom counter, and you quickly called Luke.

"Hey"

"What's up babe?"

"I'm like dying so can you please come get me, and take me to health services?"

"Uh yeah. Where are you, the house?"

"Yeah just come up to the bathroom okay?"

"Are you good? You sound awful"

"No Luke. Please just hurry"

"Ok I'm coming"

"Thank you, love you"

"Love you"

"Bye", you hung up.

Within ten minutes, Luke stood in the doorway of the bathroom with your best friend a few minutes before she had to leave.

"She's been puking for like 3 hours"

"I can tell" he said trying not to laugh. He towered over you as you curled up on the cold bathroom tile. You looked up at him in hyperbolic offense from his comment.

"Don't be a dick Luke, I'm in pain"

He muttered a quick sorry before encouraging you to get up to go to the car.

"I can't get up"

"Are you serious?"

You just stared him down deadpan in response. The lack of women in his life is apparent in his awful care-taking skills. He took your facial expression as notion enough.

"Okay", he stated walking over to where you were on he ground, lowering his arms, motioning that he was going to pick you up. You reached up to his neck and he grabbed your waist to pull you up. You wrapped your legs around him and he adjusted his grip under your legs to begin to carry you out to the car. Your mind was foggy and tired especially now that you were resting in Luke's arms, but you quickly stopped him before he had even taken you out of the bathroom.

"Wait. I need shoes"

He placed you down on the bathroom counter and then went to your room without complaining to grab your slippers. When he returned a few minutes later you were slumped against the wall. He grabbed the back of your left calf, lifting it up toward him and slipped on your shoe with his other hand. He did the same to your other foot and picked you up again, but bridal style this time.

You still had your arms wrapped around his neck and he noticed your eyes close out of exhaustion. He realized then that you truly were in a truly bad state. He carried you all the way out to where his car was parked and began to open the door to put you in the passenger seat.

As he placed you down rather gently he said "Babe, if you puke in here I'm leaving your ass on the side of the road"

No matter how ill you were though, you never let his attitude go uncontested, "Can you shut the fuck up and just be nice Luke, I'm sick. I swear the next time I give you head I'm gonna yack all over your dick"

"Wouldn't be the first time", he replied, clicking in your seat belt and closing your door.

You were truly done with his attitude and wondered how even in the state you were in he could still be a snarky little fucker. At the same time though, it didn't slip your attention that he rushed to your house without question, got your shoes, and carried you all the way to his car after his early morning practice.

The drive was quiet as you fought sleep. You made it the whole way before falling asleep in the waiting room. Luke woke you up when the doctors were ready to see you though, and waited outside until you were done. Despite being a hardass on you that day, he did take very good care of you in silent ways and wouldn't want anyone else to do it but himself.

#lh43 #lukehughes #umichhockey

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helpimstuckinafandom · 2 years

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No but the protag is so goddamn sad the entire third semester like he can't catch a break

Man defeated god only for the metaverse and all that shit to stick around anyway, he's going to have to fight his friend (Maruki) even though neither of them really want to. Like the dialogue options make this so clear that he's just run down. The amount of "......" options, like I can FEEL the silent pain. Then he's gotta see all of his friends living the better lives they could've had and wake them up from it, and every time you do he just stands there after for a moment, looking at his friends as they leave, and just go home because it's up to his friend now. Like "I guess I should go home" babe you sound empty. You got your new friend Kasumi working with you, at least she's here, but oh wait she's her dead sister actually and can't bare the pain and is begging you to let her forget it all again and you have to fight her. You got Akechi's bitch-ass (said with love and affection) having you fight her alone (I understand that you would murder her Akechi, but damn) always saying some shit like that line about how "oh? None of your so-called friends are showing up?" or something like that, which a) I'm hurting please man, and b) the response options either are an angry "you got something you wanna say?" type of thing or a "they'll show up" which I can't help as read a little sad, a level of doubt in the words given that your other option is to lash out a bit. Then even when you do have your friends back and things are improving, oh! Akechi's fucking dead actually! The emotional punch of that. The way you have a dialogue option to actually yell at Akechi when he's calling this a trivial matter. Because it's not trivial. And after everything you've done you can actually compromise on your values and everything you've worked for - even after fighting God - because this was just a step too far. But (in the true ending) you don't. Because you can't you just can't. For the sake of everything you went through and fought for - for Akechi's sake - you still have to be strong and fight Maruki and change reality back. And you do. And when there's that last fistfight - just Maruki and the protag - where Maruki vents out his last frustrations, you're doing it too. For the way you always have to be strong, for the way you had to shatter the ideal lives of all your friends, for the way Akechi's going to die, you punch back. You let it out. Then there's that brief moment where Maruki's hanging over the edge and you're holding on which bro I'm not letting you die fucking try me too much shit has happened and I am not letting you die thank you.

And then you're in normal reality. Finally, for real this time, maybe it's over. But you're in jail. You fought God, saved reality, went through a gut punch of emotions that was just so rough for a 16/17 year old, and now you're in fucking jail, and have been for over two months technically.

Like fuck dude. The protag just got so worn out and tired over that extra semester. He's just so damn tired.

#anyway i'm hurting and all my fic ideas are angst and i actually can't right now #like i had these two ideas for the past year which have been haunting me #and my recent playthrough has made it all worse #and i can't #persona 5 #persona 5 royal #persona 5 royal spoilers #like i know we don't have to tage for spoilers #but also #persona 5 protagonist #akira kurusu #ren amamiya #persona 5 third semester #p5 third semester #persona series #p5r #holy shit i' sorry for the long post #idk how to put the read more button on mobile

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sugarcherriess · 11 months

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Hello guys, this is Adonis.

(TLDR at the end!)

How have you been? Hopefully you’ve been eating well, hydrating, and getting time to rest in between everything. I finally finished my semester and teaching hours for this semester so I guess I’m kind of free now? However, I realise that I’ve been too…I don’t know how to phrase this. But I feel like I’ve been working myself too much more than my body can handle both offline and online.

I’ve spent the past four months restless and sick, along with the already present mental exhaustion. And I desperately need a break. Additionally, fic writing has also been losing it’s charm for me. Instead of feeling excited about writing and posting here, I’ve been majorly feeling like I’ve been doing it out of “obligation”. Still, this is not a new revelation, you might have noticed I’ve been detached/sound distant from my responses since the start of the year.

That being said, I want to let you know I’m going on an indefinite writing hiatus (“indefinite” because i may get random bursts of creativity and write small blurbs). I will probably keep posting, reblogging, and interacting here. But the idea of writing a fic for any reason whatsoever makes me want to cry because I feel so exhausted both physically and mentally right now. This summer I just wanna shut off my braincells and go back to my roots of just reading mindlessly whether it be smut, fluff, or gut wrenching angst. Back to my bimbo Adonis roots, in short. I want to feel like I can be on this site without owing it something because it has started to feel like a chore even though I was absent for a while.

So, again. I’ll be here. I just won’t write fics for however long I see fit. I wanted to make this announcement because some of you might be guessing where I am and whether or not I’ll get back to the requests I had accumulated. Well, at least they can act as my cushion when I wanna start writing fics again so that’s good. Anyway, thank you all for the wonderful time you have spent with me and the amazing experience this has been. Unfortunately, turning my blog into an inventory of reblogs and asks for myself was the only solution I could think of that didn’t involve me deactivating my blog since i didn’t wanna make it over complicated like it was before.

I know this is a long ass essay but I had to make it clear where I stood when it came to this blog. I have precious memories attached to this blog, my mutuals and my anons (and also some two faced bitches I had the misfortune of coming across but yk we shmoov 💅🤲🏼) And for their sake I’m willing to stay in any way I can. But I’m just too babygirl to spend more than 1/5th of a braincell on this app xoxo

Thank you for your time and love my loves 💞💞💞

TLDR: Fic writing sounds like ass to me rn so this blog is probably gonna be my inventory for reblogging filth and begging jumil in the tags for a long time whilst answering anything you guys want to send in. In my horny hermit crab hours this summer yay!!!

#˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Adonis Thinks #˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ IMPORTANT 🫧

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makethatelevenrings · 1 year

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You say to repost, but you don't respond to those who repost ? I get the point of reposting for authors/ artists but if they don't respond - what's the point of responding. I get wanting to get your content out there, but if others are doing it for you (ie repost) then why not interact with them? Why not talk to the reposter?

When I woke up and first saw this post, I wanted to pull up proof that my fics rarely get engagement, that I have interacted with people, that I have replied, and that I get hundreds of notes a day between multiple blogs and occasionally miss things.

But then I realized…what’s the fucking point? Why did you feel the need to come into my ask box and leave a comment like this? I’m a college student who works when I’m not in class. I write this stuff for free. I do it because I genuinely love writing and I want to share it and I greatly appreciate everyone who has supported me. I was going to preface this next part with “not to sound like a bitch” but, to be honest, I am a bitch. I’m a massive fucking bitch. So here you go.

Do you go to a free museum and look at the artwork and say “wow” and then get offended when fucking Rembrandt doesn’t dig himself out of his grave to shake your hand and thank you? You need someone to pat you on the head, give your balls a tug, and tell you great job for doing a good thing? For doing what’s expected of you?

Fucking Christ, you’re so fucking entitled. I’ve been fielding this shit for months now while churning out free content that you all request. I don’t have to do this. I could stop. In fact, I might! I put unnecessary stress on myself trying to make sure these fics are good and I’m getting them out on time. I’ve had to regulate my anxiety around writing these fics while being a full time college senior. I’m writing a thesis next semester and yet was planning to still write these silly little stories.

So, here you go, here is your response. I even consulted a bunch of other creators and they agreed. I am tired of the entitlement. If you don’t like it, go write your own stories!! Fucking hell, fuck off.

#honey.txt #I am very tired and very stressed and very much not in the mood

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koipalm · 1 year

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based "joker shouldnt automatically forgive him" 👏 joker is petty 👏 joker is angry 👏 i think he should be allowed to show a little more ire or negative emotion. honestly i love all his little quirks in dialogue choices and animations but i am always drawn more to anything negative... i guess because usually silent mcs aren't allowed to be anything but Classic Nice Dude. so whenever he's snarking sae, looking pissed in a cutscene (awakening or the cutscene where him and ryuji step in to protect ann from yusuke), being a little shithead to chihaya (this mfer is so smug and haughty around her it's comical), or even seeming uncomfortable around mishima i eat it up!! um there was gonna be a point to this with 3rd sem stuff but i got too excited and forgot it 😥👍

THANKK YEWWWWWW THANK YEW THANK YEW THANK YEW EXACTLYYYY i know that in a lot of the dialogue options you have to choose to be nice in order to advance the confidante which at first glance is a very good point and lesson to learn HOWEVER.... i wish joker got to be a little bit more of a bitch. i think he deserves it....

GAHH especially when people are being weird to him i wish the game made reinforcing your/joker's boundaries accepted.... like how mishima can be pushy or GODDDD how weird kawakami is to him even after quitting.... LIKE LITERALLY. NO ONE IS LOOKING. NO ONE IS CHECKING YOU ON THIS BE NORMALLL.... GODD like i know all the life lessons the game is trying to impress on you outside of the metaverse of like. you can rebuild your life and find allies if you look and are kind but GOD sometimes it means the game necessitates that you have to be kind even when they are not.... which is kind of funny for the whole "FIGHT THE SYSTEM! MAKE THEM PAY!" message in persona 5. but that might be just me being petty....

anyhow i wish joker had more moments where he could break out of that mold . sigh. to be fair there is a fine balance between a more self inserted character and a more clearly defined character and i think some of those factors are their words and their actions.... joker acts pretty much how we would expect him to act i think? he does all the things that the leader of the phantom thieves should do, like talking point for the team and calling the shots, as well as helping his teammates outside of battle (and not having many voice lines), and all of that is kind of tempered by his funny dialogue responses and his dorky character (and also his flair too.... hes so damn cool in a way that definitely looks like hes expressing himself and not just being the 'cool protagonist' i love it so so so so much). i think that with a few more scenes of him acting more independently from the player, and maybe a few more dialogue options, the line could have been muddled a bit more, which i really would have LOVED to see, especially with third semester adding to this feeling of joker being pushed to his breaking point without his friends by his side and his therapist fucking with reality and the guy he watched die about to die again....

ONNNN THE BRIGHTTT SIIIDE..... joker my girly coming home from war in persona 5 the phantom x god i hope he at least has a few scenes. guy who is so so so so so cool to me

#technically i should leave the e off the end of confidante but it looks better this way #and also i am not technically wrong in spelling it #ask #SORRY my responses are so long i really love talking with you guys #hopefully easier to read if its broken up #persona 5 #persona 5 royal

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heavyhitterheaux · 1 year

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REE!! Just read already best friends it took my ass all day!! But I wanted to be comfortable in bed when I read it 😭 UGHH I FUCKING LOVED IT. That so called “best friend” (fake jealous ass bitch) NEEDS HER ASS BEAT, WHOOPED, DRAGGED!! ALL OF THE FUCKING ABOVE

I’m gonna put some of my favorite things from the fic below:

Visit you at work and photoshop you in compromising pictures with different men to make it seem as if you were doing more than just giving them dances and sent it to Jack through a text message. This is really another level of miserable 😐

amila- Jack it’s Camila, I hate to be the one to tell you this. But Y/N isn’t as innocent as she seems. I don’t want for her to string you along anymore seeing as it’s been almost eight months. I’m actually surprised that she kept it up for this long. She does more than dance for people, she sleeps with them. She’s been lying to you. I’m sorry. This whole thing just REALLLYYYY PISSED ME OFF!! 🔪

Jack- Y/N, I didn’t want to do this over a text but, I have a lot of things going on and I feel as though we need to take a break from our relationship for a while. “I didn’t want to do this over text” THEN DONT!! BE A MAN AND FACE HER 🙄

And to think you told your mom and grandmother about him. SHE TOLD THE GRANDMA BROOO 😭 and he broke up with her OVER TEXT!!

And that he wanted to bring you to Kentucky to spend Thanksgiving with his family. AND YOU THE TYPA GIRL I WANNA BRING TO THANKSGIVING!!

“I love you, Mila. Thank you for being the one person that I can always count on.” THE IRONYYYY. Like she’s telling this evil ass bitch she lovers her & don’t even know what this hoe did!!

“Of course, baby girl. I am always going to be here for you. Until the end of time and even after that. All we need is each other.” And here comes her fake ass response, like bitch NO U NEED HER 🖕🏽

“But you really liked him and I was excited to meet him so he better get his shit together and make me a great grandmother.” Nana’s in the hospital bed preaching 😭

“Girl, please. You know you want him and only him. I’ll stop picking with you for now, but do me a favor and drop his address when I get out of rehab. Nana will set him straight.” Someone please tell me, where I go or what I gotta do to get a Nana like this 💀 I feel like this would be @hoodharlow as a grandma, DONT MESS WIT HER FAMILY 😭 or you will be catching them hands.

“I deserved to have that relationship, not her.” BITCH U DIDNT EVEN WANT HIM!! YOU WANTED THAT LIGHT SKIN BIG HEADED ASS HOE DRAKE 😐

I’m not holding on for a got damn thing. Get your shit out of my apartment and you better not come back. I… consider this friendship over with. Who knew you were a jealous ass bitch. Oh, and find another person to get you to help pay for your tuition next semester, I’m done. FIRST OFF, YN told this bitch the fuck off. AS SHE MOTHAFUCKIN SHOULD!! But what gets me is SHE WAS HELPING THIS FAKE WACK ASS HOE WITH HER TUITION?! AND THAT’S HOW SHE WANNA DO HER🤨 ANDDDD I STILL THINK SHE SHOULDA GOT HER ASS BEAT THE FUCK UP 🗣️

jackharlow: the baddest to ever do it. first black principal dancer of americanballettheater that's my wife yall 😍 YALL SEE THAT!! BLACK PUSSY POWER AT ITS FINEST!! Babygirl is married ANDDDD got her dream job 😘

lilnasx: jackharlow I'm spoken for. he better download a dating app. This….this just killed me 💀

REE YOU ALWAYS FUCKIN EATTTT, IM SO GLAD I WAITED TO READ THIS 🫶🏽😭

I FUCKING LIVE FOR YOUR REACTIONS 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

YES TO ALL OF THIS AND THANK YOUUUU MAMAS 🥺

Jackman was wrong for not letting her explain

Don't even get me started on Camila

Yess Nana gives me Blanca vibes because I know she doesn’t play about the people she cares about

And Camila wanted Drake's ass not Jack

When she saw how her "bestie" was happy she was like where is my boo at? She doesn't deserve him

WHEN SHE DID DESERVE HIM

And yesss the ultimate form of black girl magic! Jack made sure to help her dream come true 😭😭

Druski and Nas always be going at it and don't know how to act lmaooooo

Who knows, I might do another insta au that shows married life for them and her thriving being the badass she is 😌💕

#awhoereformore

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pluralismajestatis · 1 year

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Stuff and things. We haven't been writing in a bit, and I don't know if it's because brain empty no thoughts or because we've been busy otherwise or what, but there's a whole backlog of shit that's tiring and depressing and it's kind of hitting T hard. He seems to be the guy who's hoarding all of the mental illness we had before our DID diagnosis, and I think it's unfair to leave him to deal with it, blaming himself for what's going on with him. He's not bringing us down, we're placing all of the weight of everything the rest of us are blissfully unbothered by on him. And it's a long list, so let's start with something.

First - that fucking Canadian law. Never had a decision made on the literal other end of the globe hit us so hard and make us feel so hopeless on sight. We first heard of it some months ago on Reddit, which is the shittiest place on earth to be first hearing about anything on, mainly because its userbase consists of unrepenting voluntary sociopaths. (Something's climbing the cabin's wall. Sounds like a magpie but might be a squirrel. We're holed away someplace a stone's throw away from the Russian border in the arctic circle. It's atmospheric. Coincidentally also where T first became aware of being here, since I was talking about him earlier. None of this has anything to do with the euthanasia law, but suddenly hearing something scraping against your hut's outside wall is like, okay, cool, WHAT IS THAT?)

So yeah, Reddit. Knee-jerk reaction. Wrote in disbelief; this is unethical. This is not right. Suicidal ideation is such a common symptom in mental illness it's literally right there in most of the diagnostic manual entries. Literally right there, and now you're saying that instead of treating the people who experience common symptoms of mental illness, you're just going to kill them instead? How is that not eugenics? How is that not genocide? (It is.)

Got hit by a wave of forementioned Reddit cynicists. "You're the real monster," we're told. "You're denying people their right to end their suffering."

Brother - and I use this word with the utmost disrespect in my tone - I am these people. You might perceive that from just the way I mostly referred to myself as "we" in the text so far, but let me specify: we have been suffering of treatment-resistant, delibilitating, excruciating severe mental illness since we were children. We were neurodivergent before puberty and that was difficult enough, but by the time we started school, our father had turned into a violent monster who took his anger out on us, a child of 7 years old, while unemployed and our mother worked 8 to 4 every day. Sometimes she was out on business trips that took a week or maybe even two. She'd ask for her friends to babysit us, and they'd ask her why not just trust our father? She told them he had violent rages, they told her they couldn't believe that about such a nice guy, but because they were her friends, they'd do what she needed of them. Nobody ever believed us.

There's more than that, obviously. Not the point of this story. When we turned 11, our homeroom teacher responsible for most of our classes and all education outside of subject classes, had to take leave due to breast cancer. She was replaced by the meanest, most hateful bitch I've ever met. She targeted us because we weren't normal and she could smell it from miles away. By the second half of the semester, we would sit in our dark closet crying and wanting to die. We stopped doing our homework, and once that routine was gone, we could never pick it up again. By 12 years old, though she was gone by then, replaced by a creepy old guy who liked massaging the shoulders of girls while rocking into their desks with his hips and would make "checks" of the girls' showers after gym, we no longer could attend half of the semester at all. That period of unattending became longer and longer with each passing year, to the point where we'd go to school after summer vacation for about one month, and then drop out again.

We got placed in a group home, severing the last remaining friendships and connections we had at home, and leaving us in the middle of people with genuine behavioural issues and frequent clashes with the law, while our only problem was that we were desperate and could not keep up with routine.

We never did get better. A year after that ended, we entered voluntary hospitalisation for two months. The staff proceeded to ignore us, we were never even given our permission slip to exit the ward even though at the point where we were doing so poorly we demanded to cut the stay short, they wanted to act like it had been known all of the time that we didn't have to stay indoors under supervision. Guess what? Our name was not on the permission slip. Our mother made them check. The head psychiatrist of the ward was another insane control freak, I don't want to talk about her. Her deal was humiliation and arrogance, and her parting words to us "I'll see you back in a couple weeks when you're carried back here in an ambulance wearing a straitjacket." (She did not, in fact, see us back ever again.)

We moved out from home at 18, because living with our mother was impossible. She's never understood what mental illness means and cannot stand our neurodivergency. For just short of ten years from there, we were outpatients living on partial everyday assistance; we had an attendee from the social services who'd help us buy groceries, attend our appointments, and occasionally clean up the house though most the time we were too depressed to move a muscle if we didn't have to.

In 2016, we had a psychotic episode that didn't just go away like the prior ones had. I don't actually have much memories from any of our twenties, but they were miserable; we were either constantly in a permanent state of existential fear of our own impending death, or trying to hurry it along through suicidal fits and overdoses and self-harm. We were (mis)diagnosed with BPD around 27, after similar misdiagnoses of bipolar disorder earlier. The gist was that nobody knew what to do with us, and nobody was actually invested enough to figure it out. Our psychiatric contacts - doctors, nurses - dropped us on a yearly basis. The period of establishing trust got longer and longer each time, to the point where when they'd leave, we hadn't started to feel comfortable working with them yet. Constant abandonment, constant giving up, constant "you can't be helped." The years between our 25 and 29 were more or less spent trying to get a consensus on whether insurance would cover "real" talk therapy for us or not; every time one person told us to apply for it, the next person would tell us it was pointless because we were too ill to be approved, and would have to cover the whole cost ourselves, which obviously living on disability payments was not physically possible.

This all ended at the bend of 29 to 30, when we coincidentally met someone we for the first time told about our dissociative symptoms. They urged us to look into it more, which we did, and it immediately became glaringly obvious that the symptoms we'd obsessively protected and never uttered a word about in fear of some catastrophe or divine punishment raining down on us were actually clinically so significant that we needed help not yesterday, but decades ago. As a result, after failing to put us into involuntary care, our clinic kicked us out as untreatable, with nothing but a list of therapists to contact.

None of whom were dissociation specialists, and none of whom were taking patients, and only few of whom were covered by insurance to begin with, that is, if insurance would have ever even covered us to begin with. Again, untreatable. Turning to our mother, we hopped continents, got a trauma/dissociation specialist from the United fucking States of America instead, and with some cooperation between her and our local psychiatric unit (as they were ending our patientship with them) finally reached a consensus on what was actually wrong with us. Not BPD, which was scrapped, but DID.

So, how does any of this relate to Canada, and Canada's eugenics laws? Have you heard already about the patients who are recommended assisted suicide by their "care" teams? Do you see what I'm implying here?

This fucking disaster of a law is a glaring reminder that no matter the fact that we're doing better - marginally, not good enough to be anything but disabled, but still better than ever - we'd still be on the chopping block here? Not only do we have a disorder that the psychiatric world is inherently biased against and fearful towards, that most of it doesn't even want to try to understand, we are and have already been a lost case since childhood. There's no full recovery for us. There's no return to baseline functioning. Even as we are now, we are so vulnerable, teetering on the sharpest of edges, that it would be more of a surprise if, given the opportunity, our health "care" professionals wouldn't try to convince us into "assisted suicide."

It's the starkest of reminders that the world does not care about us, that we're treated and seen as nothing but burdens, that society wants us dead for reasons ranging from saving money to discomfort and embarrasment and fear.

How can you even keep trying to be better with that knowledge? Every time we open up about it, there's some self-appointed devil's advocate ready to ask us if it really wouldn't just be better, if we wouldn't actually be happier if we could just die. Not if they'd be happier if we'd just die, making their world more comfortable to live in as they don't have to contend with the concept of sick and injured people - but if we don't actually, secretly, still just want to be dead. And if we don't want to die then that's selfish; selfish because we're draining society's money, selfish because we're denying other people the right to be murdered by doctors who supposedly swore an oath to never do harm, selfish because we don't let them feel the self-assured comfort of being the good guy who lets the unfit to live take their own lives.

Suicidal ideation used to be a serious symptom that meant the patient was crying for help, crying to be seen, crying out to have people notice and care and show them that they're not alone and that there's always hope, someone who'll take their hand and help them walk forwards.

Now, apparently, this fascist shitshow of a society has decided that it's actually just the patient rationally showing that they agree with the mainstream view of it being better for everybody if they just died off.

And you want me to be okay with this? Just go on like it's fine? Just act like this isn't personal? Just accept that not only should I let other people be killed, but that I, and everyone else in this fucked up little head of mine, would actually be better off dead ourselves?

I have no fucking words left.

#assisted suicide #canada eugenics law #dissociative identity disorder #did #if you come here to tell me how I'm wrong I'm literally not only blocking you on sight #but I will crawl from underneath your bed at night and shove your fucking pillow so far down your throat #that the people who find your corpse will see it peeking out of your asshole #d post #legal disclaimer: despite being a wholly disembodied entity #I am not in reality capable of crawling out from underneath the beds of strangers #nor am I capable of shoving pillows down people's mouths as pillows tend to be large and mouths rather small

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