#time to look for another job me thinks?

[felizusnavidad]

took me a month to realize that i actually work with a bunch of idiots

#one thing about me is that i fucking HATE it when people are judging others by their appearance #like ooooh this girl is so ugly #i told my manager yesterday to stop being so cruel cause it was fucking disgusting #i think he thought i was joking #i also can't believe i said that but i was literally so mad like i can't work in a place where everyone behaves like this #they probably talk shit about me too soooo #time to look for another job me thinks? #they also fired one girl & didn't even tell her why #me next probably lol #i started hating this place tbh #i want to kill everyone who works there #but sincerely can you hear me?*

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

#this poll brought to you by another day of: ugh here i am staring at this dumb thing all day again even though it only makes me feel bad!!!! #they really did a good job making these tiny miracle computers addictive as heck #but maybe other people are better at it than me??? #dollsome does polls #i just. i hate it so much but i can't stop staring at it. #even though i've read all the advice on how to try. #i think all the time about how free i was from the internet back in the day when all i had was my laptop #it would simply be weird to be looking at your laptop constantly in the car at the store out in public etc.

[sneez]

the other day i was looking through the drawings on my old laptop and found this self-portrait art challenge thing i did at some point several years ago, so i thought it would be interesting to update it with my current self for old times' sake :-) i don't know why i felt the need to be so mean to myself in all the descriptions but i have tried to be at least slightly nicer this time around. sorry past me [id under cut]

[id: a series of four full-body digital drawings of a pale-skinned person at different ages. the first three depict me in 2007, 2013, and 2017 under the heading 'George'; the fourth, in a different art style, depicts me in 2023 under the heading 'Ned (I changed my name)'.

the first drawing shows a young child with long hair wearing a fluffy pink jumper, a pink skirt, and pink shoes. bullet points above read:

annoying

copies other people constantly

draws cute animals

arrogant

cries when told off

maybe 1 friend

the second drawing shows a young teenager wearing a hoodie and trainers and looking uncomfortable. bullet points above read:

anxious

listens to Simon and Garfunkel exclusively

bad under pressure

anime

writes bad fanfiction

draws bad fanart

the third drawing shows a smiling teenager wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and brown boots. bullet points above read:

what the HELL is a Self Esteem

really into 60s music

cries a lot

0 fashion sense

usually dissociating

thinkin about trees

the fourth drawing shows a young man with messy brown hair, a striped brown shirt, a beige woollen tank top, and burgundy plaid trousers; he is leaning on a wood-textured folding cane and holding the strap of a brown leather satchel with his other hand. bullet points above read:

still no self-esteem but medicated now

significantly worse handwriting (wrist knackered)

I haven't changed much to be honest

RBF so severe I get followed around by the security guards at the supermarket

autism

end id.]

#artwork #two posts in two days what is happening to me. ive been possessed #i think i did a decent job at capturing my likeness this time around :-) i doubt i'll ever post another picture of myself here (sorry i am #a nervous creature now) so hopefully this will suffice. i kind of look like [gestures] #i really like patterns. and stripes especially. also brown. if you couldnt tell #i am actually doing much better recently! i had what i think in retrospect was a nervous breakdown a few weeks ago but i am ok now. all gud #it was very contextual i had just got myself into a very stressful situation and basically just self-destructed for a few days until it was #resolved. the resolution was very satisfactory though so im mostly back to normal now #also i started taking antidepressants a couple of months ago and i think they have finally started working so i am in a much better place #than i have been for a while :-) yippee! #it's pretty neat to see how much my art style has changed too. i love using gouachey watercoloury brushes these days #anyway i hope you are all doing well my friends! it is my birthday tomorrow im going to be 8 million years old

[eddis-not-eeddis]

.

#i don't really want to make a whole post about it because it was a very personal and very miserable time for me #but genuinely #the thing that got me wanting to move on again and LIVE after my life plans all fell apart last year #was sitting down and very seriously thinking about the kind of woman i want to be when i'm 70 #i hit that thing that a lot of people in their mid-twenties are hitting right now #where it feels like we've already wasted everything and not only are we failures now but we will always BE failures until we die #but right now i'm still in my twenties #and when i thought about what a good lifespan looked like to me #70-ish seems about right #and what do i want to have when i'm 70 #what skills will be useful and beyond that #what skills will be fun #i had gotten into a mindset of “too late too late” #learning to draw #or sing #or dance #or fix a car #or ride a motorcycle #they all felt like learning NOW would be pointless because *melodramatically* aLL my YoUtH HaS bEEn WaStEddd #but unless God has another plan i'm not going to die in my twenties #i'll likely live many more decades #my life probably isn't even half-way over yet #what do i want to be when i'm 70? #it doesn't matter that i don't know everything yet #i have more than four decades to work on it #that's more than the entirety of the life i've already lived #and yeah #i spent five years at a dead end job that finally drove me almost to a breakdown #but even that wasn't a waste #i saved enough to go to school and i learned a lot while i worked there

[r-u-s-a-l-k-a]

gay/bi mike wheeler discourse is so hilarious from my pov. I'm here sitting on my bench watching you all going at each other's troaths virtually, eating popcorn and knowing that Mike is straight, that the Duffer Brothers are lazy and they wrote Will to be in love with Mike because they wanted to take the safer route : sad gay kid pining over his straight best friend. They didn't add a new character for Will in season four because it wasn't suitable for Will and Mike storyline. If Argyle wouldn't have existed and in his place there would have been the new Will's love interest, what the fuck would Mike have done for eight episodes ? Will's storyline would have been different, he couldn't be Mike's counselor. Will and Mike's storylines in season four are attached not because there is this big plot twist around the corner and by*ler will be endgame, it's because of cheap, lazy writing. They didn't know what to do with both of them. So it's really funny reading this whole online discourse "Mike is clearly gay" "Mike is perfect bi representation" when i am here with a bitter taste in my mouth thinking that in good hands, in hands that really cared about queer identity and queer representation Will Byers would have been treated differently.

#a large group of GA still thinks that will has a crush on eleven #the duffers did an awful job with will in season four but i am happy for the ones of you that think that the slowburn is slowburning #i envy by*er shippers because they are blind to the awful treatment that will as character received #they focus only on mike queerness but i will have the last laugh when the duffer will make him head o er the heels for eleven #“last laugh” there is nothing to laugh will was used to uplift mi*even #the thing is that you all give the duffers too many credits #the last two episodes are terrible and guess who written those #but please go on and keep fighting about mike canon sexuality #spoiler : straight #will byers #anti byler #stranger things #talking about will because i dont' care about mike he is painfully straight #anti mike wheeler #will is the queer rep i care about and it stinks that they waited the final season to confirm on screen that he is gay #they didn't even bothered to film a 50 seconds scene when will talks about his presentation on alan turing #don't feed me the shit“there was no time” because there was time for fanservice like the scene when max look at steve with the binoculars #totally ooc by the way #i rewatched season four i am pissed #will is attached to mike will'sexuality his explored only in function of a character that is in another relationship #and for the whole season will gives advices to him it was horrible

[righteous-pines]

Chivetiger joined the clan long ago under the lead of Pinestar, but his life as a loner isn’t even a distant memory now. Though he spends much of his time alone, thinking up dialogues and stories in his head that fill his chest with pounding excitement, he is often the cat others in the clan turn to with their problems, as he always seems to have a hypothetical on how to handle everything. He’s happy to spit out his opinion on the matter, and then be left alone, no other conversation necessary. He can often be found in a shady corner, off to himself, sorting his collection of shiny rocks and mumbling softly to himself in little voices.

#If it wasn’t obvious #this man is AUTISTIC #All my characters are a little autistic because I’m autistic. So they all get autism infused #But I looked at this guys in game traits and said oh so this guy has autism then. This is INTENTIONAL autism writing #He collects rocks. Geology is his special interest. The ‘whispering to himself’ is him writing ‘dialogue’ for stories aloud #And talking in character. Ie. what I do every night to fall asleep. The scenarios(tm) #He’s so good at coming up with stories and scenarios and thinking about how things are solved. That when people ask him #He’s like oh yeah i figured that out for this story i came up with one time. Here’s your answer #And they’re like woah you’re so smart… advice prodigy… #And he IS. But not by intuition. By many years of accrued knowledge #His gender description is also directly inspired by my relationship with gender #I am me. I like some girl stuff and some boy stuff. None of the words bother me #But in my community where I actually live. I’m just what I was born as. Because its easier and I don’t feel strongly one way or another #Because I’m me! And that’s. What Chivetiger is too #‘Probably agender but I have a job so let’s not worry about that’. Or something. Let’s call it that #Tom until otherwise stated #righteous pines #clangen #clangen oc #warrior cats #warrior cats oc

[arsonist-chicken]

btw in absolutely unsurprising news I fucked up the exam of that class I'm taking for the third time badly again.

in very surprising news, apparently Something happened, idk if the dean said something to the professor or I looked like a distressed broken down wet rat enough or he just doesn't want to see me in his class again or idk, maybe it's not good for him if someone fails his class three times, but he actually offered that I could do a written exam on friday instead? which. is extremely surprising. good, because it gives me another afternoon to study and I can draw and go back to questions on a written exam, even if I have to shuffle around the other exams and papers now, just. very surprising.

#lol but next semester is the fucking seminar again with also the same professor #idk how you can teach such shitty classes regularly and never think hmmm maybe i should change something #with the amount of people having to take the classes at least twice #anyway good for me i'll keep crying over uni the rest of the week and the weekend too and then i'll do stuff next week #like i need to call my insurance and annoy them in person until they say yes to any therapist who will have me #and call the other thing #and oh i really need to find a different GP because i'm soundly back at the stage of where i can literally not think two sentences #after each other without trailing off or it taking up extremely much energy just to remember which store i wanted to go to #and i'm aware that stress and mental illness causes brain fog or whatever #but i've been stressed before but this only started last autumn and i need a different doctor to look at it #who won't just say oh it's just iron levels #there's something wrong with my brain and i need someone competent who actually cares to look at it and tell me #if therapy will fix this or if it's a physical problem #please let it be just brain fog htat therapy can fix i don't have time for this #i just want to sleep and cry until this bs is over but semester break starts next week but i still have exams then and a whle list of #stuff to do for uni still plus stuff otuside. like a doctor. and sleep a normal amount instead of in weird horu intervals on my desk and in #my clothes on my bed or floor or wherever i am at the moment my brain decides it's over now #also friends. i wanted to catch up. also a job. like. yeah i need a job even if idk how i'll do uni and a job with the way my brain is righ #now #huh. oh i have another exam in half an hour. send help i don't want to go to uni anymore #mine #still don't know what that class or the seminar next semester are about btw but we moce #*move #goddamn it I'm TIRED and not just in the physical sense #i'm so goddamn done with uni and insurances deciding about psychotherapy and the general state of the world and cost of living #and i miss my friends and i want to visit them but nither them nor me have time and travelling is expensive #and ijust want a goddamn fucking break but i don't see one comign anytime soon. not before summer #but probably not even then #and after that i'll start working so like #at least no goddamn seminars anymore but i still absolutely dread having to decide where i want to work a

[theygender]

I may be considering the crime of... Getting a business degree 🤢

#i Like my new job where i get to play in excel all day and i also like having financial security for the first time in my adult life #i was originally thinking about switching my major to sociology bc its another area that im interested in #but my mom may have talked me into considering a business degree as an option since sociology isnt a great fallback option... #the thought of majoring in business makes me gag tbh. but i mean... i DO like data analysis and there IS a masters for data analysis #and the bachelors degree in information systems would teach me new things about computers which might be cool #and they have an international business program that links in advanced study of foreign languages and cultures #and theres even a certificate program for sustainability that includes direct work with grassroots programs #AND all of this is intentionally made to be accessible to people who are already in the work field so i wouldnt need to quit my job... #...all of this plus a sociology minor (or double major if i can pull it off) is starting to look pretty good actually #BUT... can i withstand the pain of spending the next few years in classrooms full of business majors 🤔 #real talk tho i was wanting to use my social work degree to go into policy anyways which could mean government OR corporate #...if i get a business major i could potentially speedrun the process of getting into corporate policy to make a difference that way #and my sociology minor (or major) would still support that #fuckin. trojan horse the companies i guess #i am rotating the idea in my mind with the emotional state of that gif of someone trying kombucha for the first time #rambling

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

SENDING MY FIRST ASK FROM THE NEW BLOG!!!! i feel like i am sending a letter from a new address... crazy. ANYWAY HOW R U TONIGHT!!!! i hope ur havin a good day!!!! kicking my feet like a teenager at a sleepover rn tell me abt ur day who r the blorbos in ur mind rn what kinda art r u workin on lately how's it going friend!!!

HIIIIIII HI HI . HELLO SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG- i mean catboy cellbit!!! . dude i am. dreading the coming week tbh but it is fine !! we will get thru it we will survive!!! i am so sleepytired but alas i also cannot sleep so i may just have another night of reading and music ahead of me . wah. i hope u are hsving a good night <3 IVE BEEN COMPLETELY ART NERFED TOO BTW. my laptop died on me a couple days ago and while i was able to find a new one affordably it will not be here until the 13th 😔 so no digital art from me for a while. sigh. i DID just decorate my new sketchbook with stickers tho so im hoping that will get my brain in gear for traditional art again. AS FOR BLORBOS. oh . u know. the usuals. vash the stampede. zacharie from off . masky marblehornets (also tim marblehornets) . to name three of them.

#who are ur blorbos rn. i dont watch qsmp i think sering ur posts abt it are really funny bc im like. guy walks into the room on fire gif. #i have no idea whats going on in here congratulations and/or my condolences <3 #thank u thank u i love the sleepover vibes. literally had gossip talk w one of my other friends earlier #(name withheld for reasons but if u see this u know who u are and i love u ) #so the vibes are so correct #i have 2 work tomorrow :( not looking forward 2 that. #however it IS my last day of my long term overnight job which means i will be able to sleep in my own bed tomoerow night. #this is something i have not done for like. close to a month now. whcih is why ive been sleeping so awfully! so hopefully that fixes me #also have. job interview on wednesday for another aquarium place.. #fingers crossed this goes better than my last one but also part of me is kind of hoping it doesnt go well #bc i hate transitional periods and i dont want 2 go thru the moving process again #and i dont want 2 meet a bunch of new ppl all at once again. and do the while job training thing. #alas that is the anxiety talkimg and i do actually want the job bc it would be good for me <3 #sorry it is late and im soooo fucking sleepy so im rambling !!!! do not feel like u have to respond to . gestures vaguely at all that #its blorbo talk time. i desperately want 2 warch more mh right now #however the house im.staying in IS in the middle of the woods and very isolated and i have been so scared and paranoid #so i am OUTTA LUCK sigh. i will simply watch smth silly instead like gg tmph or david attenborough or perhaps spongebob will b on the tv. #asks #friends!!! #false-anachronism #<< oh fuck new url!!! i got like halfway thru typing ur old one before i was like WAIT SHIT.

[biteapple]

Had a bad day at work today ... x__x...

#Atleast I'm home now but ........ ×_× ... #Back at it again tomorrow ... and don't have a day off until next Friday... ughhhh #The long long hours are what's grinding the shit out of my psyche #I think I've worked about 90 hours without a break day insofar. My heads so fucked #I'm set to work like another 60 hours until I get a day off so like.. almost 150hrs without a day off. #It hurts a lot. I wish I could confidently get another job that doesn't suck shit like these hours do #I don't even know what that'd look like without being underpaid. My job is technically easy #It just hurts my head to have to do it for so long #It feels like either 'get paid a lot to do stupid bullshit for a lot of hours' or 'get underpaid to do less stupid bullshit for less time' #And sometimes the less stupid bullshit is harder work. Yknow what I mean #Like I'd care about it more depending on what it is. But sometimes it's even harder than what I'm doing now #I don't know though. But if I never try ill never know #But it's also like. That's a big leap to take for someone who doesn't have a safety net out here #And my problem is... I don't even know where I'd go to have that safety net. #I don't think it exists for me anymore. When I went homeless it got better and I wouldn't change it #But it also means building back everything I lost. It sometimes feels impossible even though it isnt #But .... God. I wish I just had a place I could trust fall like I want to and feel OK with if it falls through #Like I'm not going to go homeless again sorta way. Like my cats have a place to live. #I don't know what I'd do if I lost the ability to house my animals. I'd be so fucked

[keelanrosa]

terfs when a study shows literally anything positive about trans people/transitioning: 'hm i think this requires some fact-checking. Were those researchers REALLY unbiased? Because if they were biased this doesn't count and if they weren't knowingly biased they probably were unconsciously biased, woke media affects so much these days. Have there been any other studies on this? Because if there haven't been this could be an outlier and if there have been and they all agree that's a bit odd, why aren't there any outliers, and if there have been and any disagree we really won't know the truth until we very thoroughly analyze them all, will we? Were there enough subjects for a good sample size? Did every single subject involved stay involved through the whole study because if they didn't we should be sure nothing shady was going on resulting in people dropping out. Are we 110% sure all the subjects were fully honest and at no point were embarrassed or afraid to admit they didn't love transitioning to the people in charge of their transition? Are we 110% sure none of the subjects were manipulated into thinking they were happy with their transition? In fact we should double-check what they think with their parents, because if the subjects and their parents disagree it's probably because they've been manipulated but their cis parents have not and are very unbiased. How many autistic subjects were there because if there weren't enough then this doesn't really study the overlap between autistic and trans and if there were too many then we just don't know enough about what causes that overlap to be sure this study really explains being trans and isn't just about being autistic. How many AFAB subjects were there because if there weren't enough this is just another example of prioritizing AMAB people and ignoring the different struggles of girls and women and if there were too many how do we know sexism didn't affect the results. Was the study double-blinded? We all know double-blinded is the most reliable so if this one wasn't that's a point against it even if the thesis literally physically could not be double-blinded. Look i'm not being transphobic, i want what's best for trans people! Really! But as a person who is not trans and therefore objective in a way they cannot possibly be, i just think we should only take into account Good Science here. You want to be following science and not being manipulated or experimented upon by something unscientific, right?'

terfs when they see a study of 45 subjects so old it predates modern criteria for gender dysphoria and basically uses 'idk her parents think she's too butch', run by a guy who practiced conversion therapy, 'confirmed' by a guy who treated the significant portion of subjects who didn't follow up as all desisting, definitely in the category of 'physically cannot double-blind this', completely contradicted by multiple other studies done on actual transgender subjects, but can be kinda cited as evidence against transitioning if you ignore everything else about it: 'oOOH SEE THIS IS WHAT WE'RE TALKIN BOUT. SCIENCE. Just good ol' unbiased thorough analysis. I see absolutely no reason to dig any deeper on this and if you think it's wrong you're the one being unscientific. It's really a shame you've been so thoroughly brainwashed by the trans agenda and can't even accept science when you see it. Maybe now that someone has finally uncovered this long-lost study from 1985, we can make some actual progress on the whole trans problem.'

#science #transphobia #cass review #less 'cass review' generally more 'zucker specifically' because this same problem exists outside cass #have lost count of the number of times i've seen 'well THAT study may have said most trans kids persist but it MUST be wrong' #'there's another study says the exact opposite. that one's right. obviously.' #but cass is why i'm annoyed by it now #normally i don't have a problem with critical observations and questions. yeah check your science! that's good! #there have been some bullshit studies and some bullshit interpretations of good studies! scientific literacy is important! #and normally also am willing to pretend the people pulling reaction 1 on some studies and reaction 2 on others are. not the same group. #but now there's a ton of cass supporters tryna say 'oh the cass review didn't reject or downplay anything for being pro-trans!' #'some studies just weren't given much weight for being poor evidence! not our fault those were all studies with results trans people like!' #…….………….aight explain why zucker's findings are used for the 'percentage of trans kids who don't stay trans' stat instead of anyone else's. #would've been more scientifically accurate to say 'yeah we just don't know.' #'studies have been done but none of them fit our crack criteria sooooo *shrug*' #like COME ON at least PRETEND you're genuinely checking scientific correctness and not looking for excuses to weed out undesirable results #am also mad about zucker in particular because his is possibly the most famous bullshit study #quite bluntly if you're doing trans research and think 'yeah this one seems reasonable' you. are maybe not well-informed enough for the job #there's just no way you genuinely look at the research with an eye toward accurate science regardless of personal bias #and walk away thinking 'hm that zucker fellow seems reasonable. competent scientists will respect that citation.' #that's one or two steps above doing a review of vaccine science and seriously citing wakefield's mmr-causes-autism study #it doesn't matter what the rest of your review says people are gonna have OPINIONS on that bit #and outside anti-vaxxers most of those opinions will be 'are you actually the most qualified for this because ummmm.' #people who agree with everything else will still think someone more competent could've done a much better job #people who disagree with everything else will point to that as proof you don't know shit and why should we listen to you #anyway i'd love a hugeass trans science review with actual fucking standards hmu if you know of one cause this ain't it #……does tumblr still put a limit on how many tags you can include guess me and my tag essay are about to find out.

[guinevereslancelot]

i'm so bummed i accidentally turned town a job interview for a job where I could have worked with a good friend and mentor 😔

#i was telling her abt the preschool i got hired at and i was like yeah im worried bc the other teacher doesn't seem nice #and the student teacher ratio is really bad they're really understaffed and underfunded im just really worried it will be too much for me #and she was like oh you should apply to the school i work at bc we're hiring snd the ratio is great and the pay might be better also #and i never knew the name of the school she worked at until then #and its one i DID apply to but i told them nevermind after this one hired me 😬 #but now i really wish i'd taken that interview #i'm going to call or email first thing on monday tho and hopefullyyy i can get in for an interview before i start my new job on thursday #so i wont literally have to take time off for it #and then if they offer me i will be able to tell the new job nevermind while its still early #either that or i'll try to stick it out a few months then apply to the other one for summer or something #but im not sure whether its best to quit immediately or let them think im dependable and staying then leave in three months lol #but mostly for the other job idk if it would ruin the opportunity to tell them nevermind i want the job a week after i said no #compared to a few months later #they might have forgotten me by then which would probably be good #idkkk #my first reference literally works there which will hopefully help and maybe they'll give me a break #the pay scale looks the same as the one i just accepted but i think they'll offer less bc they're not as desperate #but i literally dont care its such a better working environment #and the pay scale is the same so they would give me a raise after a few months #and the work will be so much easier #and the commute #and i Definitely know i can work with my friend #vs the co teacher at this new job who seems really intense and unfriendly #anyway!! #im really anxious abt this new job and i'll stay if the other place wont take me now #but i really hope they give me another chance #also its super close and easy drive and the commute for the other one scares me a bit lol #this has been a shitpost

[binch-i-might-be]

right now I'm considering going on with my 21 hour work week for another couple months and saving up some more extra money and then switching to a minijob which is about eight to ten hours a week. would leave me with 520€ a month but I have a huge chunk of savings and I also would love to experience an emotion besides dread and horror and suffering. so. yeehaw

#i could make that work. i think #god please i just can't take this any longer #i would look for another job but i have zero qualifications and i simply will not drive farther than like twenty minutes anywhere #i would kill a man for a part time home office job fr #but i am stupid and useless and only barely good for retail so ❤️ #if this is what i must do. i shall do it. as little as possible tho #my father is going to kill me for this but dome sacrifices need to be made #i am cradling this plan to me chest like a baby bird. i am promising myself an end to the suffering #even if i don't end up doing it. pretending i will is preserving my sanity #rayrambles

[bravevolunteer]

michael is pretty but in the feral sleep deprived kind of way. he's pretty like a man who is essentially a sopping wet cat in the rain. and yes i DO think that should be acknowledged.

#was talking about this last night and it's just... it is so funny to me how much michael HATES the fact that he looks like william #but i hate to break it to you buddy the general consensus is that your dad is pretty hot . your father pulls . FHGFHJKLDF #like. there's a lot i could get into about how michael doesn't necessarily hate the way he looks on a surface level its this association #that really bothers him but . that also means he doesn't really process this LMAO #like how attractive he is is NOT whats plaguing his mind he's gotta get past the self destructiveness and sexuality crisis and the fact tha #anyone desiring him at ALL beyond superficiality resets his factory settings . but it's kind of hilarious HFGHFF #michael who knows he has that rebellious loner appeal and likes the choices he made like his hair or piercings but cannot STAND looking at #himself a lot of the time.. another extension of the whiplash of thinking he's monstrous but being loved anyway #this post keeps bouncing back and forth between funny and depressing my fault but have you considered It Kind Of Is HFGHFJKDF #⁂ ･ﾟ: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc

[oscill4te]

75% of my life stress comes from my job

#so imo that means im doing pretty good i just need a new job #but i always fear every other job will be way more stressful than this one #i get away with so much at this job that i couldn't at other places so... like #yeah. #the time theft; looking unkempt and being tardy... where else can i get away w all of that #i should be working on those things. i know. #txt #plus im not gonna find another job that pays me slightly above min wage that i can walk too lol #theres another grocery store thats a chain but somehow they pay less than this local chain. way less. #even with their overnight premium (which you dont get right away) i would be making a dollar and 50 cents less #yikes. #srsly... i have it good... i just hate working 5 days a week... i hate it. i think we all hate it

[candlebel]

I cared. I still do. I still think of you and I still cry over you. You were importat to me. You still are.

#I was interested. I wanted to get to know you. #I did not want validation. I only said it because you said it... I don't know why. I was susceptible. #I was blindly accepting certain things that you said about me. Judgement that you had for me. #I was under severe stress from my job at the time; while at the same time dealing with unresolved emotional trauma and very low self worth. #I was burnt out. Crushed... Completely. #I didn't want attention. I did not want you to cure my depression. I though I was just letting you know me. I wasn't aware I was oversharin #I tried... SO HARD to get over the things that triggered me and hurt me but I just couldn't... #I wanted to. I did everything in my might; I took it to therapy; I looked everywhere within me; to either get over it #or completely forget about you and stop caring at all; so things were ok and normal again; but it didn't go away... #to this day... #I just feel so... unsafe... at the idea of talking again #I know I wasn't the best listener and I profoundly regret that. #I was not only thinking about myself like you said and I was aware of the effort that other's put; but I was afraid/resistant to PRECISELY #that cause of past events with other people. Because in some I was the one putting that effort and ended badly for me. Looking back #that was inappropiate of you because you felt too comfortable generalizing my past relationships and why in your head they failed. #“I cant help but feel you are looking down on people who” Stay away from me if you ever make a stretch like this again. #By “experiment” I meant that you don't know how a relatioship with somebody is gonna turn out until you go and try. That's all I meant. #I didn't want things to turn out this way. I'm sorry they did. #The effort I put for you may have been shit to you. But to me it was a lot. And I'm done taking judgement. #Altho I love my friends I still keep distance. I still can't completely help that. I can go months not talking to my BF. #You were my BF during my teenage years. I remembered you fondly. I still do. #I don't feel ready to talk again having to keep to myself interest that I might have. Related to trauma. I do not feel comfortable with tha #No I do not look at your blogs. #The day I said I was abused I had a panic attack right after that. That's mainly why I had to cut contact: I didn't want another one. #I didn't tell you because I didn't trust you to not say “talk to the void” again. I didn't trust you to want to hear about it. I didnt feel #safe with you anymore. Event tho we ressumed contact I felt that way the entire time. #I wanted to answer all the questions you had; I really did; until I couldn't stand it anymore. #And the day I removed you from discord... I know you probably had an awful day that day... I'm so; so sorry... #I'd like to one day be completely unbothered by assumptions and stuff cuz I know it's not your fault... You went through stuff too... #vent