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seoafin · 3 years

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tbh,, i havent read the raws of the interview yet, only the translated ver from fan-translator and b4 i start, i think that this will be just me talking in circle and in no particular order AND a real mess (my brain does weird things after exams) but uhh here we go

gojou collects talented people, and by doing so he finds the people he can most probably relate to, except that he can't, not really, because something in the universe shifted when he was born. and it makes me think of how he's always known it, that he is special, and he's proven it, time and time again— he wants to take in talented ppl and he does, but there rly isn't much he can do for them. for they are talented, more talented than the world can understand,,

but they aren't gojou satoru

gojou took in megumi, bc he knew megumi was strong, and would grow up to be someone even stronger, but gojou can't facilitate or encourage his growth, bc for all they're similar, they are so fundamentally different. ALSO,, while geto was in his life, gojou rly judged everything according to his understanding of geto’s moral compass. gojou wears a human suit and geto is how he learnt to wear it well 🏃

the dragonfly analogy regarding to geto’s response to gojo, who was shown wearing a dragonfly patterned yukata in HI arc,, i’m trying to not think abt the fact that dragonfly symbolized victory in jpn....pain. i quoted from a web here for more explanation : In Japan the dragonfly is known as the "victory insect", or kachimushi, because of its hunting prowess and also because it is known to never retreat. Dragonflies are agile and fast fliers and can even hover, but never fly backwards

and bringing this up again, matricide and patricide are 2 of the 5 worst act to commit in buddhism, and it was said that if u commit one of those act u’re going to spend a real long time in the deepest pit of hell before continuing the samsaric cycle (higher chances to be born as an animal after that probs)— this might be geto’s divine retribution. held no power over his own body and could be considered that he’s the same as those “monkeys” 💀

ALSO the fact that sukuna's interest is "eating" rly drives home his hedonistic philosophy of seeking pleasure for himself. and he’s a cannibal...makes me think if he’ll just chomp on ppl with the mouth on his stomach

randomly, to date i think he hasn't really called himself a human, shaman, or a curse, and has held himself apart from all 3, and we've also the intro of the cursed wombs so i wonder if he’s trying to become, or is, a different entity altogether

so onmyoji got mentioned in the interview and what they practice is called onmyodo and abe no seimei and kano no yasunori were the notable practitioners,, and the kamo in jjk is the same as irl who served the imperial court back then

maybe i was right when i said that the relation between the govt. and jujutsu elders are similar to how the shogunate and imperial court work (ie, the former holds the actual power) but... lets see later,,

and i cant believe that i actually nailed it on the analogy of jujutsu practices by religion,,, so mahayana buddhism, shintoism, and taoism is present in jjk along with their respective jujutsu practices...but between the 3, it shld (?) be taoism > shintoism > mahayana buddhism (which could took a path to pure land buddhism)

it’s weird that the number of curses are supposedly higher in jpn comparable to other countries when taoism was brought from china....tengen sus

so the zenin family tree is sth like :

brothers: [toji's dad] ; naobito ; ougi

so toji, naoya, and maki & mai are cousins of the same generation

[toji's dad] → jinichi (probs) ; toji → megumi

naobito → other brothers, naoya

ougi → maki, mai

but yea i’d call anyone who’s within/close or below my age range as cousins and others above 30 as uncles/ aunts LMFAO,, i dont rly memorize my own family tree 😭😭 especially since most call the other by honorifics instead of names : aunt, uncles etc or attaching said honorifics at the end of a name for an older sibling figure/ older cousins [but like ppl in my country also call the other who are older with sibling honorific even if we’re strangers,,, rly similar to korea’s hyung/oppa—eonnie(unnie)/noona but some uses more genderless honorific] (1)

tw // topic of incest, mentions of abuse

if anyone got the wrong idea when reading this : i am not glorifying/ romanticising incest(uous themes),, i’m looking at this with absolutely no lenses of bias even tho im rly against it

初恋 = literally : first love, or puppy love

恋 = romantic love/ deep longing

i literally don't know how else to put this...🧍and with language barrier...using a western interpretation of the eng word "love" to explain a jpnese term is not quite that simple, unfortunately

that thread omg,, i rly do understand how exactly someone could associated kindness with love bc of my upbringing, it was when i was slightly older that i was just...oh so its not like that orz,,, so the most plausible explanation would be that

but the problem is that,, akutami never specify when exactly she had a crush on them,, and when megumi answered todo’s question she had a “♡” reaction 😶,, uhmmm there’s rly no way to look past this if its this way or be in denial

i’ve seen some of "why wouldn't mai react that way after hearing megumi say he'd like someone who's compassionate when she's surrounded by men like naoya",, well I MEAN,,, that, but also mai probs admires that megumi grew up so well out of the clan, regardless of the fact that he had the foundation (10 shadows) to do so. imo she seems happy for him the way she can't be for maki, bc maki ultimately had to leave her behind

hate to say it but yea,, the 3 clans most likely still practice inbreeding in order to preserve their power and presumably their wealth too 😀

i had an idle thought abt it at first but i filed it deep in the back of my mind asap,, bc i ont wanna jump to conclusion abt this out of all things too early. it’s probably not even in jjk, but all those elite clans in other ani/mangas that produce powerful heirs and whatnot also do the same,,, but this way of (my personal) thinking was influenced when i first got into tsukihime (type-moon),,, i read abt the nanaya family background and found out that they practice that in order to keep their bloodline “pure” (to keep it short : they have an optical power),, and i had this kind of assumption ever since so there’s that

i’m,, convinced the zenins' inbreeding made it more difficult for them to get powerful shamans bc they got 2 jujutsu technique-less children with heavenly restrictions in the same generation: toji & maki

even more convinced that maki might be a bit stronger than toji bc toji could see curses without aid while maki can't so the pay-off must be higher,,, SJJASN IDK ,,, plus naoya sort of implies his older brothers are nothing compared to him, and idk if we should take that as his arrogance or that his older brothers rly are weak/powerless. it would make sense as to why naobito had a lot of sons, ig, as head of clan

i feel so bad that if one of the factors that can caused heavenly restriction is inbreeding,, toji and maki and mai had no say in how they wanted to be born but are scorned for it,, typical asian families projecting their traumas and ideals onto their kids but get mad when they realize that those ideals are ugly...😁😁😁

since the zenin are conservative,, i wonder if they still hold onto old jpnese dining traditions. where in ancient jpn, hierarchical relationships were made readily apparent even within families. a dining table where everybody sat down and ate as equals would be unheard of. rather, each individual is given their own table that indicates their status,,, someone who is not considered “strong” according to the zenin’s views most likely have no place at the table, and probs eat when those who are “strong” finished/ serve them when they are eating

if toji was tossed into a swarm of curses,, i dont think abuse during said time is below them,,,

the zenin clan was already great, but they further amassed power and strength by, what i assume to be, marrying and adopting powerful individuals into the clan 🤔 ,,, i imagine they're like the hiiragi but without doing what they did to shinya (ons reference)

BUT after all that, i like to think that since akutami’s a big horror fan, jjk might be an outlet to explore said topics or even darker ones, so i wouldnt be that surpised abt it. given that there’s more than enough “red flags” before this was dropped : a reference to “tale of hikaru genji” when a grown woman asked for gojou’s number in HI arc (out of all things); granny who transformed into the man’s daughter, sat on his lap and man just touched her waist; mei mei and ui ui ; and...this (incestous theme is in the novel btw)

lets not start with whatever the fuck in kubo’s head in the interview otherwise i’m writing paragraphs with every curse words possible,, those big 3 mangakas are so— UGH,, a planet w out (cis) men like him sounds real good rn 😌 if one of yall out there decide to do it,, pls hmu rly cant do this shit anymore

akutami said i like my men pretty and i like women who will step on my neck and spit in my face (I REMEMBERED TATSUKI FUJIMOTO’S INTERVIEW WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABT MAKIMA AND IT WAS SO 😭😭😭😭) but ykw,, love that for both of them <3

when i said 3 : one piece, bleach, naruto. aside from the blatant depiction/ characterize of women in those 3,, idk if some ppl arent aware yet but oda is friends with two (2) convicted pedos,, man...the major disappointment and disgust when i first find out abt it

anyways this is just my 2 cents (which i think rightfully belong to the trash can) so pls just take this w a lil to no grain of salt - 🐱

YEAH THE ♡ LMFAO I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A “good answer ♡“ heart BUT NOW IM RE-EXAMINING?????

honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if the three clans practiced inbreeding. but ik people are going to be 😡😡😡😡😡 about it when the queen of fucking england is literally married to her (something) cousin. i’m not justifying it but like....love the double standards, just as always with the west 😍

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT FUCKING PED* LIST THEY SHOULD ALL BE IN JAIL. JAILLLLL. it’s all so gross. that’s why i fucking hate when people look towards manga for positive representation because the chances of that are super slim to zero, especially since the industry is saturated with misogyny and ped******* and a lot of other gross stuff.

i think ppl forget jjk is a horror manga LOL so obviously it’s going to confront darker themes. the question is whether it’s going to be done tastefully or not......

#honestly I don't have high hopes unfortunately 😭#but who knows I might be...pleasantly surprised #idk I don't have high hopes in manga nowadays so hmmm #anyway as always I enjoy ur thoughts <3 ❤️❤️#hope ur doing well!!!#and getting all those genshin impact goodies #🐱 anon #long post

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rainbowsky · 3 years

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hi rbs! im the anon who asked for non explicit fic recs. thank you very much for the rec, and of course also the person who saw it and had a whole list of of recs! I've almost got through them all and they rly are lovely and so sweet! It helped keep my mind off things as well :' ) based on what i know about you, im certain your recs wouldn't be the uhhh tasteless (?) kind of rated E, it's just me orz. i remember reading one of the fics on your rec list, the one with yibo turning into a cat, and still being pretty embarrassed and skipping that part... tho the story was super cute on the whole! ty again, and i hope you're well ^_^

This is in reference to a previous post.

More than a lot of things, fan fiction really is a matter of personal taste. As such, fic recommendations from one person aren't always going to fit into another person's comfort zone.

What's considered 'tasteful' is incredibly subjective. Dominant social groups often try to impose their ideas of 'taste' on the general public, and I actually find that more offensive than stories that feature themes I dislike (ABO, mpreg, gender switch, etc.). Everyone should be free to set their own boundaries within a consensual, non-harming social framework, and people shouldn't be shamed for their kinks and interests unless they act on them in a harmful way.

I definitely have boundaries in terms of what I feel comfortable with, but they're more about characterization, framing and tone than they are about what's actually happening in a scene. And it's not always easy to quantify what exactly makes it possible for me to enjoy one story while another story makes me squirm and cringe.

I could say, for example, "I don't like when a story is focused around sex or seems written entirely as a lead-up to a sexual encounter" and that would be mostly true, but there are exceptions. For example, I really enjoyed Venus despite the fact that it's pretty much entirely about a sexual encounter.

The best way I could put it to you is to say that I don't read explicit stories for the sex, and so if a story is going to be explicit it better really sell me on what's happening. I need to feel like this is what would naturally happen between these people, and it better read like interesting, well-written action that stays within the characterization of the participants or I will lose interest.

It makes perfect sense to me that grown adults will often have sex, and in the context of a story I am perfectly happy to read about how those things take place, and it doesn't bother me in the least. In fact, in many cases it gives the story more depth and the relationship more intensity and realism. I suppose I prefer stories that don't over-emphasize it, but there are also many stories that feature a lot of sex that are among my favorites.

As long as a story is sweet, interesting and well-written, and takes me on a journey I enjoy, I'm not going to get to caught up in what the author does with the relationship. And that's not even just about sex, it's also about things like affairs or breakups or arguments. If it's a good story that has a happy ending, I'm happy to let the author take me on that journey.

I think the thing a lot of people struggle with is, they just don't like that there is sex written about real people. I have to admit, I have a hard time relating to that perspective. The stories are fiction, and aren't pretending otherwise. I would no more be offended by a story being written about them having sex than I would be by a story being written about them going waterskiing. It's fiction.

Some people are offended by the idea of stories being written about real people at all, regardless of whether they're sexual or not, and again - I don't have that problem. I think it's fun to read about interesting people being placed in unusual circumstances.

If someone wrote such a story about me I would be flattered, not offended. Even if the story was horrible and a total misinterpretation of my personality. The very fact that someone wrote the story shows that something about me captured their imagination, that they found me interesting enough to inspire creativity. How could that ever be a bad thing?

So the misgivings other people have aren't the same ones I have. I feel 100% comfortable with reading stories about GGDD, sexual or not. Some things offend me or even repulse me, and that's perfectly normal. To each their own.

And people's feelings on this are subject to change, believe me. There was a time when I really wasn't comfortable with any of it. Now I'm recommending stories to people. Anything's possible. 😊

Glad you were able to find some stories you enjoyed!

For more of my thoughts on this topic, see this post.

My GGDD fic recs can be found here.

My Wangxian fic recs can be found here.

#fan fiction #ask

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poppedthep · 3 years

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The power dynamic between the girls is so well done cause I wasn’t sure if I was just super kinky and reading into things, or if it was a hint at things they might get up to when they’re older! I’m rly excited to see how it develops, cause atm they’re baby lesbians in gay panic mode lmao

But damn in chapter 16 when aurora was like “do u want me to wear a label that says I’m ur property?” (Obvs in better words) and in their heads theyre both like ha ha jk…… unless….? 👀 Except aurora is oblivious and confused abt how she feels, and tayce is slightly more aware.

Also, ik you’ve lost a bit of ur motivation for this story (VERY understandably!!), but I rly hope u continue if ur able to, cause ur writing is so good! Like ur super talented, and even if u continued the HP au, but with ur own characters I’d 1000% still read :)

Ahahaha I love that journey for you! Honestly I was worried that collar metaphor might have been too on the nose so I'm glad it was working for you. 😂🤟

They are very much baby lesbians in gay panic, it's a fun time. 🥳 In terms of both queerness and kink I think that period where you start having ideas that you know you like or sort of seem intriguing but you haven't connected why you like them or what it is about them is so interesting to me! Or even looking back as an adult and recognising things you used to think that you had no idea at the time meant anything but now you're like ohhh THAT was definitely THIS. I had planned to kind of skip over the younger years to get to the juicy stuff but since that didn't happen I thought it could be fun to sprinkle in that kinda stuff to see it play out later.

I really hope I can get the love back for it too. 🥺 It was such a huge part of my brain, I miss having a default thing to have endless thought spirals on!! ✨ And it would be a shame to have done all this setting up the sexual/emotional tension and then not end up getting to the bit where it actually gets juicy!! 🙈 It's still early days for me being able to feel sympathetic towards the Aurora character but I did watch the 4 Poofs stuff with A'Whora and there were some things that tickled my imagination bone a bit. So we'll see! Usually when I'm angry about things it fades with time so hopefully this will as well.

(A fun quote that jumped out from that interview for kink was A’Whora on drag being painful- “You know when you really commit to something it’s kind of like satisfying to go through the pain of it.” I hadn’t decided if I could see her as actually a masochist who finds enjoyment from pain or more up for doing anything to please a sadist because the attention/praise she’d get as a result is more satisfying than anything else. I was leaning towards making it more a control/power focussed thing with like servicey and bratty elements than really deriving pleasure from pain. Even though I could def see Tayce as a sadist (I think irl she’s maybe even mentioned it?! Haha. But especially as the Tayce Black character with the House of Black element. Although I also think she LOVES giving pleasure and getting reactions and really prides herself on that and on being nice despite her mischievous impulses - so the sadism would have to be very tied up with knowing the person really enjoys what she’s doing I think?) ANYWAY that quote was potentially interesting for extrapolating how the character might view pain in a relationship she really cares about. .....even though this is all so far down the line from where they are now 😂)

That's such a lovely thing to say about continuing with my own characters! 💖💖Literally a writer's dream to hear, bless your heart!! 🥰🥰😘😘 Tbh I think for me this AU is so wound up in thinking about the girls and extrapolating it from things about them I don't know if I'd be able to separate it out for myself - even though these versions of them are already variations on their actual drag personas that are quite specific to this verse and influenced by HP elements, and - since we're on the topic - my decision to lean into some of the kinky elements later. But thank you for saying that! So sweet of you. 💕

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spnfanficpond · 4 years

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January 2020 Pond LiveChat Recap - Writing RPF

We had a great time chatting with Taylor, @impalaimagining! Thank you so much for joining us and sharing your thoughts and experience!

Our topic this month was Writing RPF, and we talked about the legal, moral, and emotional aspects of writing about real people. A rundown of the chat, as well as general Pond news, is below the cut!

We started off the chat with the legal side of things, most of which was covered back when we talked about Monetizing Fan Works back in May. Here are the related links that were brought up:

Wikipedia: Legal issues with fan fiction (The section dealing with RPF is near the bottom under Right of Publicity.) Boiled down, RPF has to deal with a celebrity's Right of Publicity. Famous people have the right to control the commercial use of their name, image, and likeness, sometimes even their broader identity or persona. Most states’ laws on this only apply to uses for commercial gain. So, don't try to get paid directly for RPF, and you're safe.

From NPR: We Stan: Real Person Fan Fiction Comes To Life. This is a fascinating discussion about RPF, the legalities, and how it’s been changing in recent years. This argues that basically since “fiction” is right there in the name, RPF is inherently more legal than regular fan fiction based off of characters. No one is trying to say that the real people involved are actually doing these things, it’s just fiction.

Goodreads Genre: Fan Fiction - Real Person Fiction. When I was researching, this link came up, and I clicked it, not knowing what to expect. Finding that Fan fiction, much less RPF is on Goodreads was surprising to me. (I thought Goodreads was only about books that could be purchased and didn’t touch “unpublished” works, but I guess not?) What I found most interesting was exactly how many of the titles listed on that page are J2-related. There are more J2-related titles than all of the others COMBINED. As a fandom, we rock!

The discussion started with most folks saying they hadn’t considered the legalities of fan fiction, or RPF in particular, when they began writing. Their first concern was just getting the story out of their head and onto the paper. Also, since no one was getting paid for it and it’s so popular, no one questioned the legalities. Also, since it’s fiction, there’s no defamation of character.

@mrswhozeewhatsis (Michelle): Most people know that I generally don’t read RPF, unless it’s an AU. Way way way back, when I first started reading fan fiction, I used to read the occasional RPF. Honestly, before SPN, I never really liked an actor enough to want to know more about them. (I've been burned by some jerk actors in the past.) One of the first RPFs I ever read was from Jared's POV, and it contained a scene where he was on stage at a con, and detailed his thoughts. I forget what the inciting incident was, but suddenly he was thinking, "Great, now they're all thinking about how big my dick is," and it made him spiral. Something about that stuck with me, to the point that I cringe every time I see Jared on stage and anything remotely sexual comes up. That's pretty much what stopped me from reading RPF. I have no problem thinking about how big Sam's dick is, but I can't ponder too much about Jared's dick, or I can't look him in the eye when I see him at cons!!!

Taylor: I definitely think there is a very fine line to be walked when you write RPF, and I generally don't cross into the area of writing from an actor's POV.

Q: Is that how you keep it separate so you don’t stare into their faces at a con during a photo op and think about the smut you wrote about them?

Taylor: It can be hard to keep it separate sometimes but it's actually very easy in the moment of a split second photo op. They move so quickly, I don't genuinely think I have ever had the time to consider the things I've written about them while I was talking to and hugging them!

Q: Anyone else who doesn’t read/write RPF, do you think that the whole not being able to look them in the eye is an internal thing for anyone in your life, or just celebs?

@manawhaat (Mana): For example, I have A. FUCKING. LOT. of sex dreams. With tons of people, celebs and people I know in my real life... and I don't want to say that it's jaded me as far as thinking sexual thoughts about people, but in a way it kind of has. I don't have that moral dilemma of not being able to look Jared in the eye after thinking about his dick. Taylor: I completely agree. I think writing it has made me kind of impervious to it bleeding into my daily life. I see Jared and my heart goes ohmygodwelovehim first and in person, then later when he's not around is when the wowowowbutwhatabouthisdick comes in. Michelle: I don’t think I could write about anyone in a smutty way. Just characters.

Q: I wanted to talk about 'characterization' of rpf. Do other rpf writers out there think of the people as characters and treat them that way, or do you humanize them? Idk if that question makes sense but it's along the same lines of keeping them separate.

@fogsrollingin (Alex): I cast them in other stories when it's rpf. I always write rpf AUs with only a couple exceptions. We know their onscreen mannerisms, so making them astronauts terraforming a new planet with evil aliens on it is like "oh easy". Taylor: Characterization is huge for me. If someone writes an actor outside of the way they portray themselves, it's impossible for me to read. While we don't know these people personally, we know how they act outwardly and in the public eye, and that's enough to get a good idea of the kind of person they would be. Michelle: I have no trouble reading AUs, because it's just another character who happens to look like and have the name of one of my favorite actors. In AUs, they're characters. If they are actors on a show called Supernatural, then it's too humanizing for me. Taylor: See, Michelle, my mind can't separate it to that degree. If I'm reading about someone named Jared who looks like our Jared? It's Jared. AUs give me a lot of trouble, to be honest. Both writing and reading. Alex: I feel like it's no different than if Jared did a scifi movie during his summer break from spn & it's so low budget they just kept his real name for his character name.

Q: Do you feel differently reading ship RPF than reader insert RPF?

Michelle: Most of the RPF stories I read are ships, but I do read some reader inserts, too. It’s not an intentional choice either way. Alex: I don't feel differently about it, rly. I know I prefer reading ships over reader insert but that's just my personal jam. Mana: I have a hard time reading ship rpf mainly because I like the versions of my ships that I've built in my head, so when someone deviates from that it is a little turn off for me. Like, your version of Cockles is not the same as my version, which is totally fine, you do you, but it isn't gonna tickle me the same way ya know. so when I get into like non-mainstream ships it's extra difficult to find writers who represent them in the 'right' ways. Taylor: I feel that way about pretty much everything I read, and I think that has a lot to do with the whole characterization piece of it. I know that my idea of and the way I portray Jared or Jensen is probably a million times different than the way other people, including my readers, think of them. I try really hard to make sure the way the actors come across is "right". Mana: I think the one big piece of characterization is kind of using the way they have presented themselves as a moral compass. Obviously they don't present their whole selves so there's always wiggle room and areas where you are free to project your ideas of them into the fic, but that's also the trickiest area and where so many people drop the ball. Taylor: YES. So, so many people take that wiggle room and take it leaps and bounds beyond what is public (fandom) knowledge.

Q: How do you feel about RPFs that support certain theories about the wives being beards and such?

Mana: I try to not write anything that would feel as if I'm slandering anyone, etc. I wouldn't want to write a Jensen x reader fic where Danneel cheats on him and that's how they get together. If I mention it at all I just say that they've peacefully and amicably parted ways. If I don't mention it then they simply don't exist in the timeline. But never anything negative about anyone, especially the wives. @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish (Kaisha): I don't write smut (only read) so I have a very different interpretation on a lot of the things being discussed. I tend to stick with non-AU, sister/daughter!reader insert RPF fics because I don't feel creative enough branch out beyond that. I feel the same as Mana, and I actually won't read fics that are based on the premise that someone cheated for the storyline to work. Alex: I'm okay if ppl deviate far into fantasy realms tho. As long as it's not too support a real life conspiracy theory about the actors, if ppl wanna write it & others like it, all the more power to them. I mean as long as you're like "I killed the wives during the zombie apocalypse in my fic but I love them in real life please don't kill me" I'm like "cool". Taylor: I avoid bashing fics or beard fics. Admittedly I have one where Jensen and Danneel never got married, but they still had a daughter together and Danneel hid the kid from him until her 5th birthday. That doesn't feel like a bash/slander fic to me because I'm not painting anyone as a bad person - things just played out differently.

Q: The person who suggested this topic mentioned “how to write your first RPF.” Any suggestions?

Michelle: Have Mana finish it for you! (The only one I’ve ever written, she had to finish for me!) Alex: My first rpf was a ballerina!Jared & yogi!Misha romcom. It was so goofy! Taylor: I don't know if I can even answer that question. It literally just poured out of me when I started. I took the tiny little idea I had in my head (my daydream, as it was previously and so aptly named), and put it into words and it ended up being a 10 part series. Mana: How to write your first rpf: READ RPF FROM A LOT OF DIFFERENT WRITERS. find what works for you and for the people you're writing about. do a couple of trial runs with shorter fics. you have room to play, but try not to stray too far from what they've presented themselves as in real life. Kaisha: For me, when I wrote my first RPF (which was also my first fic), I was in a mental place where I was watching a lot of con videos and reading a lot of sister/daughter fics. It was more "I need an outlet for how I am feeling right now and I don't have anyone to talk to"...so I talked to the image of the boys I had made in my head from what I saw of them online.

Q: Does character shipping affect the RPFs you read? Like, if your OTP is Destiel, do you mainly only read Cockles?

Kaisha: I will read almost anything that's related to one of the Js, either RPF or SPN. But I don't have strong ship feels one way or another that changes what I read/write for RPF. Taylor: I don't know if character ships have any kind of effect on RPF ships. Because there are a lot more people involved in cons than we see on the show, and cons are my primary source of RPF inspiration. Like, we see Henry, what, twice in the show? But Gil McKinney is a whole other story. He's all over the convention circuit (or at least he used to be) and also all over fandom twitter. It just feels easier for me to write RPF because I see these actors in my real life, interacting with other real people. I have interacted with them, which makes things feel a lot more real than writing about two hot fictional dudes from my TV screen. Alex: I'm definitely up for Sam/Dean as much as I'm up for J2. Oddly tho it's Mishalecki at real life con panels that's gotten me totally happy to write/read Mishalecki.

Q: (From Taylor) The piece of RPF I struggle with the most is bringing events from the actors' real lives into my stories. Writing about Jensen and the brewery, about their kids and stories they tell about them at cons, that's where my already grey area turns even more grey.

Kaisha: I am right there with you Taylor! My fic started as mostly the reader and JJ interacting and then I remember the twins existed, too. And with my new fic I am trying to figure out if the San Jac and FBBC will work in or not. Mana: I'm interested in this, because I don't seem to have that issue or gray area. It just doesn't exist for me and I'd like to hear more about it from you guys. Taylor: It's so hard haha. I have something coming up that deals with Jared being arrested and of course I didn't post it before that whole event went down so now it looks like I'm taking that part of his life and twisting it for my personal fiction needs. Which feels kinda (adult word for "not good"). Kaisha: For me the gray area thing is because I want to write a believable story. A believable story has realistic details and if I am ignoring or overlooking things that my audience knows to be true, I feel it takes them out of the story. Mana: So it's a case of omit it entirely or commit to it entirely? I ask in regards to like FBBC and the kids. Do you feel differently about incorporating those aspects into your fics? would you be more comfortable writing about fbbc than you would the kids? Or does that gray area cover the same on both? Kaisha: The same thing goes for when I beta read something. A detail that I don't remember or agree with will take me out of the story and send me on a research rabbit trail to know if the author is correct with what they said. I want to stay in the story as much as possible and I want that for my readers too. That's probably a good way to differentiate it. If I state in the A/N that J1 only has 1 kid, then I don't have to consider what year the story is occurring in. But if I tell you it's non-AU, well then everything that is happening in our universe should be happening in my story (otherwise, it would be AU, even to the slightest degree). The kids vs. FBBC thing I think could be very personal on which someone feels more comfortable with. I say that because I know ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING about alcohol. Kids on the other hand I get. Taylor: For me it's the same. Just, actual concrete aspects of Jensen's life are harder for me to write about. Because then - again, just for me - that feels like writing from their point of view, which is something I try to avoid.

Q: Do any of you read/write RPF outside of SPN?

Taylor: SPN is my only fandom. Michelle: I tried to read fics from other fandoms, and just couldn’t get into it. I might be getting sucked into The Witcher fandom, though. Haven’t found any Geralt fics that really align with my image of him, though. Alex: There are CW network RPF AUs I read. Taylor: I feel like, as SPN fans, we have a wonderful privilege and incredible pool of writers to choose from when we want to read. I don't know, because like I said SPN is my only fandom, if any other fandom has this level of talent or dedication.

Q: Have you ever read an RPF fic that changed the way you viewed an actor? Or given you a sense of gained insight into their lives?

Michelle: That's actually why I don't read “canon-compliant” RPF, actually. Because then I might think that idea is real, and won't see that it's not, even when proven wrong. Like, maybe Jared actually loves it when we think about how big his dick is? But I can't stop thinking that it embarrasses him and makes him uncomfortable because I read it in that one fic. Kaisha: @crashdevlin has a Jensen x reader series that also heavily features Tom Hiddleston. My view of Tom has forever been changed because of her story! Michelle: My brain is very malleable. Sometimes, I'm so open-minded, my brain falls right out. I have to be careful what I let influence me. Kaisha: It wasn't something that I intended to happen. Crash just wrote a very compelling character and I think my opinion would have been altered no matter who it was that she used as the face. Taylor: I've never read anything that has changed the way I view the actors. I've certainly read things that have given me new ideas about the things they enjoy (bitey and/or rough smut), but nothing that's changed the way they appear in my mind. I think the biggest part of all of this is just remembering that all of this is 100% FICTION and should never be taken as reality in any way, shape, or form.

To close out the chat, Mana requested fic recs! Here are the recs that were mentioned:

Michelle: If you're into serial killer AUs, There's a J2 AU in my AO3 bookmarks that's genius. Adoration. The other RPF bookmark I have is called Beholder. Jared runs an animal shelter, and Jensen is a homeless man with a TBI who gets dumped at the shelter one night.

Alex: My favorite rpf fic is Tails by keep_waking_up. Werefox!Jared & kitsune!Jensen law enforcement murder mystery AU.

Taylor: One of my favorites to read is by @thecleverdame: Modern Technology. (Jared x reader) This is unfinished but it's quickly becoming one of my favorite Jensen-things I've ever written, AND IT'S AN AU!!! Rockabye. Also, there’s You Saved Me (Jared x Reader). And have a J2 x Reader for funsies! Something is Happening

Kaisha: This is my favorite RPF. Underneath verse (series) - J2 - Jensen is the undercover FBI agent sent to take out Jared, the boss of Chicago. #Self-promo, but I am pretty proud of this one, too: Nanny, Sister, Daughter...Family (Jenneel with sorta daughter!reader)

Mana: Here’s the Cockles x Reader fic that Michelle and I wrote: Rumor Has It And, of course, (Jenneel x Reader) Fools In Love.

Feel free to reblog with your favorite RPF fics!!

Also, the February LiveChat info is still TBD. Feel free to send in your topic ideas and suggest guest speakers!!

General Pond Updates and Reminders

What we’ve got cooking up next: Not much, at the moment, since everyone is busy, so we’re just trying to keep up with the day-to-day at the moment! Our to do list is still long, though, and will not be neglected forever! Next up is organizing the tagging system on the blog to make it easier for readers to find the stories they’re interesting in and for writers to find the help they’re looking for!

Reminders:

Angel Fish Award nominations are accepted all month long! No need to wait to tell us how much you liked a fellow Fish’s work! IF YOU HAVE SENT IN A NOMINATION, BUT HAVE NOT RECEIVED A PRIVATE MESSAGE CONFIRMING WE RECEIVED IT, WE DIDN’T GET IT. Be sure to use Submit instead of Ask!

Don’t forget to submit your stories to be posted to the blog! When your stories are on the blog, then they are easier to nominate for Angel Fish Awards!

Say hi to December’s New Members and January’s New Members! (If we missed someone, let us know!)

Check the Pond CALENDAR to see when Big Fish will be in the Skype chat room/discord general channel and other Pond and SPN events are happening! Know of something that’s not on the calendar, send us an ask or submission with the deets info details! The calendar offers a lot of features, such as showing you when things are in your own timezone! Since we’re an international group, that’s a definite plus!!

We’re getting lots of requests for more Big Fish, lately, but so far, only one applicant! If you know someone you think would be a good Big Fish, tell them to apply!!

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chopstickchild · 4 years

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ok i need to rant for a bit (read at your own risk)

also tw for body image issues

for a bit of background, i do ballet, and im pretty damn serious about it. as in its the centre of my life and i plan to make a career of it.

well my mom is rly supportive about this, but sometimes she gets to be a bit too much. as in extremely insensitive about how her « helping me » makes me feel. the subject of obsession tends to be something important, or some milestone, such as a performance, competition, or audition. in this case it’s two audition videos: one for a prestigious international competition (which could change my life if i got in), and the other video is an audition video for my dream school (and again, life changing if i get in).

These two videos are EXTREMELY important, and we wanted everything to be as perfect as possible, but the focus on perfectionism is where the problem lies. i’ve gotten better about not dragging myself down over every single detail, but my mom on the hand has not. she doesn’t obsess over my dancing (i do that enough already) but over details like lighting, camera angle, the line my leotard makes, my shoe color, my bun angle, the amount of makeup, the video quality, etc. she has a really good eye for those sort of things since she used to be an artist (and majored in fine art), and if she was the one filming my videos there would be no problem there.

But evidently there is a problem (which is why i’m writing this all out cause istg if i don’t i WILL lose it). Actually there’s two, one per video, though the second problem has nothing much to do with everything mentioned before.

The first issue is something that’s been haunting me for two weeks, and not in the good halloween haunting way. The video for the competition was filmed over the course of a few weeks by one of my teachers, and she and my mom have an *interesting* relationship. as in ive learned to brush off my mom cussing her out in car rides or at home (which happened today twice lol). My teacher wouldn’t allow my mom to be in the studio to help with lighting, camera angle, etc., saying that the studio wouldn’t allow more than two people in at a time (a lie, cause when we went with my contemporary teacher for one section of the video my mom was able to go in and film that portion). My teacher is a really well intention person by the way, but since my mom is so similar to how her mom was, being in her prescence triggers her which i think may be why she tried to make it so she wouldn’t have to interact with her as much.

So anyways my teacher and i worked on the audition video and we finally completed it, but the way she filmed it was not up to my moms standards. so we filmed it again. and right now it’s STILL not up to my mom’s standards, but at this point there’s literally nothing we can do. the deadline is in a few days and there’s no way we can refilm it then. in terms of my dancing, i feel pretty satisfied, though it’s not perfect, but i feel ok sending it in. but for thé past few weeks i’ve been constantly hearing how the video isn’t good enough, and how it doesn’t present me well enough, and if my mom could just have filmed the barre and centre i would look so much better. and that if i really want to catch the judges eyes then the video quality would need to be better. and i argue back at that point, saying my dancing should be enough to do that, and that i’m not auditoning for a film school but for a DANCE competition. and i know my mom has a point. we are drawn to things well presented, even if the content may not be the best. but after hearing that my video is not up to par for WEEKS it hurts a lot. and if i ask her to stop focusing so much on that because at this point all that is doing is making us feel unsatisfied with something unchangable, i’m ignored and she goes on saying i don’t understand her point. I’m also told that she’s saying all this because she cares so much and wants me to succeed. and that is all true, but i don’t CARE that she’s saying all this because she wants to help me with my goal. there are so many more productive things to do than fixating on unchangable shit, and there’s a voice inside telling me that if she really cared about me, the real actual me and not the dancer side of me, she would take a moment to understand how much certain things she says hurts. no matter the intentions behind, no matter that she always adds that my dancing wasn’t the problem and that it was all my teachers fault (which also pokes me in a different way), i ALWAYS leave that conversation with an extremely tight knot in my chest and a bunch of self doubt. sometimes when the convo evolves into an argument, my mom tells me that it’s cause she’s stressed about this and the video and because she cares so much, but i’ve reached the point where i don’t give a fuck. i’m stressed too, and i care a TON. i sacrificed so fucking much for this (not to say she hasn’t like good lord i worry so much about her sometimes) but being stressed and caring about something does not excuse harping on about something someone has EXPLICITLY told you to please stop going on a bout and try to let go of. multiple times. which is why i really want to scream sometimes, and why i decided to just let it out here. (it’s worked by the way. as of right now the knot inside has loosened and the negative energy about this problem has almost dissolved, which why i’m now moving on to the second issue)

ISSUE NO. 2- thé audition video for my dream school. now this is a different direction than the other video problem because this video hasn’t been filmed yet. so i should start out with saying that as a by product of doing ballet, i have body image issues. it got worse over the course of the past year because i put on a few pounds. and i know that honestly, i shouldn’t worry too much, but doing an art form where your body is constantly critiques in so many ways kinda has a way of making you always wish it was better. now my mom knows about how i feel about my body, and in the past she has completely invalidated my feelings if i try to talk about it (because in her eyes i’m perfect yaddayaddayadda and i’m just manifesting these insecurities out of nowhere cause i have nothing to be worried about). the thing is tho (and i’m pretty thankful for this) is that she will tell me if i’ve gained weight, and she will help me if i want to lose some and stuff. so it’s like she has this weird mix of telling me to not worry about my weight cause i’m perfectly fine, but also telling me that i need to watch what i eat more and that i need to lose a little weight. and i hate it so much. recently i just stopped weighing myself every morning cause i realized i was literally basing how i felt the whole day off the number on the scale. and honestly i’m so much happier now cause i stopped. everything is the same except that one thing, and i have no intention to start obsessively weighing myself again.

And that brings me to issue two. because we were talking about the video for the school, and my mom said “you need to start weighing yourself every morning again”. well i saw every single color of the rainbow when she said that, and i was enraged. because my instinct was to be angry in order to protect one of my biggest insecurities, my body. the implications that came from telling me i needed to start weighing myself more HURT, and thinking about it right now is making me almost cry. and her saying that also pissed me off SO MUCH. because my mom KNOWS how i feel about my body, about my weight, and my eating habits. i have explicitly stated MANY time that i would prefer if she would not make those little comments about those subjects, and i have let her know how much it hurts me. i don’t think she understood that though, despite the amount of times i’ve completely shut down or started crying. but that one comment is hanging over my head right now, acting as a smoke cloud twisting around my heart and making me have some rlly self deprecating thoughts. and so tomorrow morning if she asks me what my weight is i don’t know what i’ll do. i’m considering just saying something above what ik she wants it to be, no matter what i may actually be, but i’ve also considered just tossing the scale in the rubbish bin. actually won’t do that though cause i would get in a ton of trouble lol. but a problem is that as a result of her comment, i’ve also begun considering starving myself, of making myself throw up, and other unhealthy ways to lose weight because right now, i feel like my body is too fat filled, too squishy for ballet. which is bullshit but the negative voice is drowning the positive one out now.

ok i have gotten all the rant energy out now, and no longer feel like punching a wall, cry screaming, cussing out the next person i see, or any assortment of high negative energy release techniques that would hurt others or myself. if you read this far, props to you cause i sure as hell would not have been able to make it thru that 😂.

also i should add that my mom and i are SUPER close and she honestly a great person in every aspect except certain dance related stuff. i really really appreciate everything she has done for me, all her sacrifices and all the effort she has put in to make sure i am where i am now. it’s just sometimes i feel like she forgets that i’m a person with feelings about topics, not just a dancer. thank you for coming to my tedtalk 😌

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theharellan · 5 years

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dragon age positivity meme | accepting

i’m going to be answering these in one post for the sake of simplicity and cutting down ooc posts!

✾ your favourite da:o main quest | sent by @cuervocanto

my actual favourite quest is paragon of her kind, but i talked about why i love that one here. and yes, i don’t even rly mind the deep roads.

my second favourite is probably the landsmeet, especially taking into account that it has some sub-main quests that are grouped together under the umbrella of preparing for the landsmeet. such as resucing anora, breaking out of fort drakon, and solving the unrest in the alienage. i find returning to the alienage as tabris second to aeducan returning to orzammar, but it’s still very interesting coming back to a place where you grew up with no power, suddenly having power. and regardless of origin the worldbuilding is good, immediately the fact that you’re barred from the alienage upon initially entering denerim tells you a lot about the state of elves in ferelden. the choice at the end isn’t particularly difficult, “slavery is bad” isn’t a controversial opinion even in ferelden and so even the warden i created with the intention of being That Kind of Human couldn’t choose that option, BUT it does make for an emotional choice when playing tabris

as for rescuing anora and breaking out of drakon, i just love the humour in the quest. i never have my warden break out themselves just so i can have the companions bullshit their way in. my personal favourite combination is zevran and oghren, although i do enjoy morrigan-leliana and sten-dog, as well. i think my fave thing about oghren and zev tho is that iirc they’re one of the most successful combinations.

as for the landsmeet itself, it’s not particularly challenging, but i enjoy the variety of options you get and how it changes the game going forward. like, in every game anora is queen for me in some capacity, but beyond that i’ve had a bitter king alistair working with a warden who recruited loghain, loghain and the warden alone, etc. i enjoy the politicking and making an alliance with anora. it’s enjoyable even on replays.

❄ your favourite da:i personal quest | sent by @pentaghasted

my actual favourite personal quest is cole’s, which i talked about here. instead i’ll talk about iron bull’s b/c i’m glad they committed to what they started in trespasser and i also appreciate how the choice is set up. most of us save the chargers b/c the lot of them stole our hearts in the two scenes they were in, but unlike some other choices in the series choosing the sadder/arguably worse option doesn’t require you to be roleplaying as an evil bastard to choose it.

so like, most games i save the chargers, but my playthrough where i’m playing a practical trevelyan-- she goes with the qunari dreadnought. the chargers were assets, but a qunari alliance could have been more beneficial in the long term. heck, even my inquisitor who saves the chargers feels a lot of guilt about it-- because even if she didn’t know the people on the dreadnought, there were a whole lot of them, and her decision got them killed. she needed to show she cared for her own people first, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t matter.

which contrasts this personal quest for something like... say, fenris’s third one, which don’t get me wrong, is very emotional. but i cannot fathom why a hawke how kept fenris around for all that time and clearly spent time talking to him would just say “yeah you can take him” its just kinda over-the-top cruel. so i am glad when i can roleplay the alternate decisions i ordinarily wouldn’t make.

and i love seeing the quest’s differing effect on bull. he adjusts either way, but one puts him on a path where he’s going to be facing you, one way or another. and he pays the price for that.

♦ your favourite piece of lore | sent by @felandaristhorns & @sephirajo

i’ve answered this before the last time i reblogged this meme and answered the dalish mage lore from da:i and rivain just. as a whole. i’m going with the lore regarding elvhenan, though, b/c i think the games do a good job of subverting what we were told in da:o and da2 while also explaining how those misconceptions happened. i love going back to the previous games and seeing new angles to the lore and the places where they were building up to it. i love seeing the foreshadowing within inquisition itself.

and i just love how elvhenan is characterised, as a hyper-magic society where reality and dreams aren’t necessarily different things. and where feelings are just as physical as every other aspect of a person. it explains so much about the fade, spirits, solas, it makes even comments like merrill’s-- someone with a pretty nuanced view of spirits-- kind of sad. she calls the fade “another people’s land” not knowing that it was her land, and her people.

while i’m on that spirits in general make me sad. how perception screws with them, and how i think that just further isolates mages. for once i don’t think this is a plot by the chantry, i don’t think they’re lying about how they think spirits are, they’re just wrong to characterise them as they do. but at the same time i don’t think they’d disapprove of the effect is has on mages. it’s cutting them off from potential friendships, and not only that but friendships the templars would have 0 way of regulating given they could potential happen in dreams.

but i’m off-topic. the point is i find the worldbuilding surrounding elvhenan, to be some of bioware’s best. it makes sense, it’s nuanced and varied and doesn’t make elvhen characters wear one single hat. clearly it was a heavily flawed place, but it had a lot of merits and you can see why solas misses it or why cole, upon learning that the veil was never meant to be, feels validated by the idea that he was never wrong to want to be a part of both worlds.

♬ your favourite part of the da:i soundtrack | sent by @daggersandpoison

da:i has the best soundtrack in the series and i don’t think this is a controversial opinion. i do love inon sur’s work, and i was a little worried when i heard morris was composing inquisition b/c i found me3′s soundtrack to be overall a step down from me2′s (it lost a lot of what made the mass effect series unique). BUT with inquisition he managed to keep dragon age’s unique sound while also improving upon it. the inquisition theme gives me chills when i start up the game and even while i’m walking around in the field and a few chords play while i’m picking up my 100th elfroot.

but it’s always hard to choose my favourite. it’s honestly a tie between journey to skyhold and the dark solas theme. both of these give me specific solas feelings, the former b/c you have solas entrusting a lot of hope and faith in the inquisitor (it’s esp poignant if by that point you have a burgeoning friendship with him). and b/c it comes off one of the strongest moments in the dragon age series, aka the battle of haven and encounter w/ corypheus. also i love the dawn will come, fite me. and from my inquisitor’s perspective, esp my main inquisitor, thora, this is probably the first time she’s felt like she was worth all this herald talk. even if she doesn’t believe it, the song beginning with a soft, unsure sound and rising to a triumphant end when skyhold is unveiled encapsulates what i love about the inquisitor’s story and my inquisitor’s personal feelings.

dark solas theme i love b/c it conveys so much of the sadness and loneliness of his character. i would talk more about it b/c it makes me so sad i literally can’t listen to it unless i’m writing post-trespasser solas and even then it’s risky. it’s just a good track ok. and it caps off my favourite dlc.

ღ your favourite da:i banter | sent by @renaudtrevelyan

i talked about some banter i love here between bull and solas. i have to admit i have a hard time choosing my favourite in da:i b/c i just love so much of the banter in this game. i always tell myself not to choose solas banter, and i’m going to... choose one solas and one non-solas.

Solas: I do not understand you, Sera. You have no end goal for your organization. Sera: Nobles get rattled, and people get payback. I play in the middle. Solas: Why not go all the way? You see injustice, and you have organized a group to fight it. Don't you want to replace it with something better? Sera: What, just lop off the top? What's that do, except make a new top to frig it all up? Solas: I...forgive me. You are right. You are fine as you are. Sera: You hurt my head sometimes, Solas. Solas: Yes, I have been known to do that.

this banter is great to me (and all the banter leading up to it) b/c it informs so much about both of their characters. solas is trying to help sera, in this string of banter. he’s trying to give advice so that the red jennies could potentially become an organisation that does more than makes little people’s lives better with pranks or the occasional knife in someone’s back. it’s a conversation between two characters who are, in different ways, absolutely sick of the system and have different ways of dealing with it.

solas wants change. sweeping, societal change. sera isn’t sure change will help any, and would prefer the relative stability of a pre-breach world where she knows which way’s up. neither is wrong to deal with it the ways they are, and solas just has to look at the top he lopped off to see that, yes, they grow back just as bad. idk i just love solas and sera a lot and i love seeing what they have in common and how they handle their frustrations differently.

Sera: I don't get it. If you want to change, just change. Why this "fake Warden" rubbish? Blackwall: For one, people wanted me dead. Being someone else kept me breathing. Blackwall: And then, knowing that people thought I was good made it easier. Sera: (Laughs.) You needed them to think you could, so you could think you could! Sera: You're smart, but you're sort of stupid.

i’m picking another sera banter b/c i love her. i love sera b/c she’s smarter than ppl give her credit for, she cuts through why rainier did what he did the same way cole does. their relationship on the whole is very sweet and it was hard choosing one banter. but i appreciate her ability to both love and support thom while also calling him out on his bullshit. the two of them are good for each other and im so glad they’re friends. my only regret is i’ve never seen thom as sera’s best man in wedding art. or sera as blackwall’s for that matter. their friendship needs more love-- actually, sera just needs more love period.

☄ your favourite da:i codex entry | sent by @chantrysworn

i love this codex entry, describing wisdom (solas’s spirit friend):

When the summoning ritual was complete, the spirit appeared. Both spirits and demons have no gender as we understand it, but this one, much like the rare and dangerous desire demon, presented as female. Although its form was not threatening, the spirit carried itself with a confidence, an awareness, I suppose, that I have seen only in the most powerful of demons.

This spirit of wisdom was polite and courteous. It answered our questions about the Fade, even acknowledging the difficulty when we could not understand what it meant. There was none of the bargaining one normally associates with a summoned creature, save that the spirit sometimes asked us questions as well. Heras shared a mathematical formula he had recently proven, while Etrenne explained her study on magical themes in the Chant of Light, and young Rhys talked a little about his mother.

When we were finished, the spirit thanked us for the conversation and then vanished, although none of us had dismissed it. We soon discovered that the summoning ritual we had devised was critically flawed. The spirit had been under no compulsion to come or remain. All the time it had talked with us, it had stayed of its own volition. Heras was greatly concerned that such a powerful spirit remained free, and has updated the ritual to correct for the weakness in the binding enchantment. I understand his caution, but I also confess that I quite enjoyed the conversation. I am not certain the spirit would have talked so freely had it been shackled at the time.

—An excerpt from Spirits of the Spire by Senior Enchanter Francois

you can see so much of why they were friends in this codex. the politeness, answering and asking questions, no bargaining just a nice conversation where both parties learn things. and then you find out it never had to show up in the first place, it just wanted to-- and likely would not have been as accommodating had it not been free.

it’s great for informing us on a character we tragically don’t know all that well. and also? it’s incredibly sad when you think about what happens to it, it almost makes you wonder if the mages who ultimately bound and killed it would have had better luck simply asking for its protection. solas says something along those lines, but he also says it prefers remaining in the fade (interesting in itself, given that the chantry pushes the agenda that all spirits want beyond it. contradicted by multiple spirits we’ve met tbh, including cole, who actually quite likes the fade).

this codex is also interesting b/c it tells you some about what mages study and do with their time. and it goes back to what i mentioned previously, w/ chantry attitudes depriving spirits and mages of one another’s company.

anyway i love wisdom and it deserved better.

#( positivity )#( positivity meme )#( ooc )#( long post )#[ i love da / da:i sm #cries softly into hands ]

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jollyteatime-archive-blog · 7 years

Note

almond chocolate coconut, cookies and cream, dulce de leche, entangled mints, fudge behaving badly, wildberry chocolate chunk

BEARING CRUMPETS AND TEA ( AND ICE CREAM ) ! → @livingsouloflove.

ALMOND CHOCOLATE COCONUT: a touch headcanon.

the hatter is v hyposensitive, which is why she needs constant touch and cuddles and hugs. luckily, most ppl in wonderland don’t mind at all. the wonderlanders regularly pile themselves into dog piles, actually, whether for warmth or just out of desire to group-cuddle ( it would be UNFAIR to cuddle either somebody or nobody, so they have to cuddle EVERYBODY — that being said, ppl do break the rules all the time and cuddle one or a few other ppl at once — it is just a general Rule that if u have the option to cuddle either less ppl or more ppl, the correct option is more ppl ).

the hatter, tho, rarely joins these group-cuddle sessions. she’d love to, but she often retreats to her factory and sits alone or goes to hide behind a hedge. why ?? she feels like no one actually wants to cuddle with her and that she doesn’t have a CHOICE but to leave.

on the topic of touch… she loves sex. like, a lot. however, she’s extremely repressed and doesn’t realize it. it’s not that ppl don’t sex in wonderland. they totally do, all the time. the hatter just feels like it would be Wrong for her to sex w anyone bc no one wants her, so she couldn’t possibly. she isn’t… rly into touching herself and she’s never done it. so.

at the age of 24, she’s still a virgin. however, after pairing up w the march hare and deciding that they’re in love, they sex like… constantly. the hatter has an endless drive for sex.

COOKIES AND CREAM: a family headcanon.

the hatter’s real world family didn’t love her, so she ran away to wonderland.

the wonderland family situation is… interesting. there r v few inhabitants since wonderland is so hard to get to. wonderlanders r blunt and repetitive and unobservant and rude. the hatter considers them her family, even tho she’s rly quite removed from them. there r a lot of unspoken feelings, too, so it’s like a petty high school theatre, except the negativity doesn’t rly come out. everyone just shoves it deep down and tries to forget abt it.

it’s a dysfunctional family and it’s a dysfunctional society. but they all go thru everything together. everyone drinks tea together all day; everyone goes to the trial and execution; everyone watches as someone is beheaded; everyone goes abt the same routine every day.

DULCE DE LECHE: a happy/sweet romantic headcanon.

the mad hatter & the march hare have been mutually pining for ages. it’s actually the march hare who developed a crush first. the hatter was quite indifferent initially, but constant companionship & kindness got the march hare to grow on her.

the march hare is usually the one to make a move — even though the way she does so is always hesitant & subtle. most of it flies over the hatter’s head.

the hatter, on the other hand, has a whole case of repressed emotions & because of this she doesn’t realize she’s got any feelings for the hare.

they do end up holding hands after alice visits & after a while longer, they admit that they love each other. they’re generally v happy together.

note, tho, that the hatter does have a mean streak. it comes out when she isn’t thinking, but it’s there.

ENTANGLED MINTS: a friendship headcanon.

…friends r hard. at the core, many wonderlanders do actually like the hatter & r relieved that she’s ok at the end. after everything with the looking glass goes down, alice helps the hatter realize that the wonderlands, in an odd way, r her friends & support her. this isn’t to say everything is fixed, but she’s much more willing to join them all in Group Things.

an Important friend is alice. they met briefly, but alice was able to talk the hatter out of her looking glass-fueled fury. she also told the hatter she can choose & that she has friends. while it seems like some simple comment, it’s something the hatter truly didn’t realize. alice & the hatter also go thru a similar arc & the hatter rly relates to her. she’s SAD to know alice has to return to the real world, but she understands why & every day wishes the best for her.

FUDGE BEHAVING BADLY: a misbehaving/getting into trouble headcanon.

i mean… the hatter doesn’t rly misbehave consciously but DOES SHE get into trouble. i mean, it’s canon that common knowledge in wonderland is that u shouldn’t go thru the looking glass. yet, it’s abt two minutes of talking to a twelve year old child that CONVINCES the hatter to go thru. so yeah, she regularly fucks up p bad.

she’s one of the queen’s favorites bc the queen sees her as a clueless, loyal hatter who will never waver. so she’s p well trusted bc she rarely acts out of maliciousness ( tho she does have malicious THOUGHTS ) but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t majorly fuck up.

her fuck ups aren’t rly noticeable tho bc no one rly pays attention to her. she always has enough tea & jam tarts & beyond that, no one gives a fuck. ppl start giving more fucks post-looking glass, but… ppl r p forgiving in wonderland.

WILDBERRY CHOCOLATE CHUNK: a social life headcanon.

i already talked abt the mad hatter’s social life in a different ask, so i’m actually going to talk abt general wonderland social environment. like i said, there r a lot of repressed feelings, but generally, ppl r p cheerful ?? in fact, i’d say the person harboring the most bitter feelings is the hatter, and she’s p angry and left out and salty, but no one rly is at her level. most ppl r just annoyed w each other for super petty things.

the social hub is the tea party tho. located in the center of wonderland, it’s a huge table and there r plenty of spots. the march hare and the mad hatter are the suppliers of the tea and the jam tarts. the mad hatter usually pours, then slips out unnoticed. the march hare is too scared to run anything alone. but the rest of the wonderlanders don’t notice any of this tension. they just drink up all the tea and eat jam tarts, while saving up a few for the queen, who randomly crashes tea parties and eats jam tarts.

the topic at the tea party is usually… u guessed it… tea. ppl discuss what tea they’re drinking that day and how much they love it and how no one can take it from them. sometimes, they discuss how much they hate being beheaded by the queen. any newcomer usually sits off to the side and is confused, at first, but soon joins in.

#livingsouloflove #❝ 𝐖𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄 𝐓𝐄𝐀 ? ❞ ( ask. )#❝ 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃 ❞ ( headcanon. )#❝ 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆'𝐒 𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐁𝐋𝐄 ❞ ( wonderland. )#❝ 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐋𝐔𝐄'𝐒 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 ❞ ( mad hatter. )#❝ 𝐈 𝐃𝐈𝐃𝐍'𝐓 𝐒𝐀𝐘 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 ! ❞ ( march hare & mad hatter. )#❝ 𝐁𝐋𝐀𝐙𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊 ❞ ( alice & mad hatter. )#❝ 𝐃𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐅𝐔𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐃𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 ❞ ( looking glass. )#// THIS SI SO LATE SORRY I HAD TO THINK

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jagaimogoshujinsama · 7 years

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rambling about shin men and hyu/kan. its long and self indulgent but if ur curious where my brains been at recently here it is

ive been in an out of a couple fandom interests recently, im still following new shin chan episodes closely (and i’ll get back to subbing some eps probably, at some point)...

anyway the past couple weeks i got, weirdly, super into hyu and kan as a ship. even though theres not a TON of content to work off, and also theyre ostensibly a het ship which can turn me off (and did at first, when i first realized kan is a ~secret girl~, in fact i have my reaction in writing

but then i gave shin men more of a chance and rly grew to appreciate all of the characters and.. the thing as a concept, and BOY!! i love kan a lot, like a heck of a lot. and since shes a girl who deliberately takes on a lot of masculine attributes its very easy to read her as genderqueer or transmasculine or even a trans dude straight up - though as a demi...gender?? person myself i like reading her as Soft Transmasc, because projecting onto cute little cartoon ppl is my favorite thing to do

so one of my main questions when i encountered this series was: who came up with this and why? what IS shin-men? this post will be me trying to explain it to myself:

shin-men was a concurrently-running anime AND manga series created in 2010 to celebrate the 20th year anniversary of shin-chan. the anime is obviously more well known, but the manga chapters tell the stories quite a bit differently and provide some more backstory - i own the first two volumes with the third on the way. the anime is awesome because it was seemingly spearheaded by Masaaki Yuasa (the kaiba dude), and as soon as I saw the first episode i assumed Shin-Men was his brainchild from start to finish. i’m not sure EXACTLY how much was his creation, conceptually speaking, but it is true that he finalized designs and a lot of basic concepts for the characters. (parabon is straight up hyo hyo!)

(from masaaki yuasa’s super huge sketchbook, which runs in the 40-50 dollar range. let me know if you find it cheaper anywhere ill accept a used copy with heavy spaghetti stains)

yuasa boarded the first five episodes of shin-men, and a subsequent 8 episodes were released with different boarders (primarily yuji mutou, who’s been a heavy hitter on shin-chan since 1998). yuasa’s 5 episodes are beautiful - i mean look at this

yuasa always brings an otherworldly, dreamlike quality to whatever story he’s telling. on shin chan he generally seemed to prefer fun AUs and outlandish stories about buriburi zaemon that would allow him to invent colorful new settings and costumes.

that’s what’s so refreshing about shin-men - it’s the first time the show completely abandons its core cast of characters and focuses on NEW ones, in a universe with different rules. except, just kidding, because shinnosuke is still the main character, he’s just red now and called gou. so even while shin-men is TECHNICALLY breaking the fundamental rule of shin-chan - that shin is the main character who is in every single episode no matter what - it’s still abiding by it, and it still feels like shin-chan. that’s not criticism, though - i like the various alt-universe appearances of shin-chan characters in the shin-men universe. my favorite is matsuzaka, who is called “matsuzakaroni”, is STILL a kindergarten teacher even in this very alien universe (and despite the fact that she, i think, hates it?), and most uncannily of all, gets hit on by gou?? also gou is an adult i think, in this universe’s rules, he’s just really short like all of the other shin-men who are also adults?? i mean, i THINK? why does nobody in universe ever seem to mention how tiny these apparent grown-ups ar

anyway i’m not an expert on shin-men. despite my efforts i don’t really understand exactly where it came from or where gou’s ears are

i hope some day someone will create really good english subs of it, though i realize that’ll be a serious effort since yuasa’s episodes ABOUND with onscreen text - fuck, just imagine editing the moving gossip clouds on botswanawana to have english text. how would you even do that.

but i do wanna talk about kan a little and why shes cool thats the topic of this post

kan akaluislar (thats her last name..) is one of the 5 shin-men, superheroes with elemental powers who all look like a 5 year old named shinnosuke nohara from another universe, but don’t think too much about that. kan’s the only one who doesn’t actually have a superpower - she’s the Iron Man of the group, like, literally she’s tony stark, she’s the super wealthy and successful president of a major automobile company and rules the school in her home country, Detahoit. (which is maybe a pun on detroit? i’m not sure what’s up with that name)

anyway in addition to being iron man she’s also Transformers and Fullmetal Alchemist, she’s all three of those guys. she turns into a car a lot and transports her teammates everywhere. she also OWNS a car and drives it around when she’s not being a secret car superhero. is that bitterly tragic, or does kan secretly PREFER to be the car? is that her darkest fantasy? to be a full time car instead of a car-driving ceo? that is my headcanon

kan guards the fact that she’s female from the group, convinced they’d treat her differently. specifically, she’s convinced gou and nyoki would hit on her (confirmed), sui would bitch her out for not having a proper skin care regimen (that’s sui’s big thing, by the way, is that he’s a bitchy youtube beauty vlogger), and - worst of all - hyu would kick her out, since girls can’t fight.

...which seems like a pessimistic view of hyu. hyu is the wind elemental in the group - he’s buff and a little dopey but kind hearted and sweet, the noble hero type. also a bit of a spoiled prince.

each member of shin-men gets a yuasa episode dedicated to them, and hyu’s episode - his main arc, really - centers on his love for kan, which he keeps secret, despite the powerful curiosity of his country’s gossipy citizens.

what interests me is the disparate ways the anime and manga handle this plot thread. the anime treats hyu’s crush very earnestly, maintaining an undercurrent of quiet affection from him that appears in the majority of its episodes. the manga, however, emphasizes kan’s disinterest in romantic advances from both gou AND hyu, then practically drops the topic of hyu’s crush. it doesn’t exactly defy or contradict the relationship they have in the anime, however -- but it makes me sad, because hyu’s crush on kan is extremely cute and endearing. (as a sidenote, gou’s thing for kan is also pretty cute, but it only exists in the manga, and, well - it’s not really a /romantic/ crush.

the shin-men manga makes a lot of different choices to the anime, and since the two were released concurrently i have no idea which “version” of any one story was the “original” - and in some cases i’m sure there isn’t an “original” version of a story, just two different ones. sometimes i really prefer the anime’s decisions (not drawing eyelashes on kan) and other times i’m... not sure what to think (the manga chapter with pimawari does NOT focus on kan, so did the anime decide to highlight kan’s relationship with pimawari because... kan’s a girl?? did they really do that? am i over thinking this?)

the manga does a GREAT job of fleshing out kan, though, even though it does so by torturing her, endlessly. she gets trapped inside of a washing machine. then has to use up all her fuel exploding out of the washing machine. the good news is, kan can repair washing machines, we learn this in episode 5 of the anime.

but be it manga OR anime, kan and hyu frequently wind up as partners who work well together, and its understandable. kan and hyu have private lives that mirror each other, both of them being high-profile and wealthy, pressured (kan by her conniving older sisters, hyu by his palace’s grand chamberlain) to settle down when neither of them is particularly interested, both preferring the life of a superhero. their private lives seem lonely and neither of them has any friends outside of shin-men. but within shin-men they team up frequently, and (being natural leaders) the two of them tend to take charge and stand out as The Responsible Ones.

(pointing = leadership)

this is what sells me on them as a couple - that they have this core of collaboration and mutual care in their superhero lives, which could build into a supportive friendship in their personal lives.

i very much love that hyu has a crush on kan despite thinking kan is a guy. that angle never comes up in the anime, though its lightly touched in the manga - and yuasa explicitly addresses it in his earliest notes. to quote,

“kan (iron shinnosuke) is the only girl within shin-men. since only men can be shin-men, she wears an iron suit to conceal the fact that she's female from everyone. and since she doesn't have a superpower, she relies on the power of her suit. hyu (wind shinnosuke) secretly likes kan but keeps thinking things like "could it be that i actually swing that way.." (lol). eventually, he's the only one who knows about her true self, but hides it from everyone so it won't be known.”

so, kan’s expectation of how hyu would react, having a sexist freakout and banning her from battle? apparently not representative of reality. which is good news because, even if kan doesnt want a love connection, she DESPERATELY needs a friend whom she doesnt feel the need to hide her private life from.

and at th end of the day thats what makes me happy: the idea that hyu can be this friend to kan, and they just chill out together, smoke a bong, get their truant son gou to cook them some curry, consolidate oil and wind technology to make both of their countries more sustainable and energy efficient, kiss etc.

im so curious if vol3 of the manga will give me any further insight.. i doubt it but im excited anyway

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thecxmmissioner · 7 years

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Follow Forever time! I actually hit the 100 follower mark about a week ago, but I was very backlogged on checking out new followers due to having a very busy week prior to that, and I didn’t want to unfairly leave anyone out who should have been there. Please enjoy the following love letters to a few of the people who have made my first month here the most special. ❤︎

Endlessly “Inspiring” ( that’s a pun ) —

@tragicxscarlet – So once upon a time tragicxscarlet was like “do you ship it?” and I was like “I guess?” and then cut to me a week later sobbing over a notepad file titled “An Itemized List of All My ScaReeve Feels.” ( No, I won’t share it. ) Every post from you is a pleasure and you have a unique style of writing that is conversational and forceful and urgent in a way that suits Scarlet so very well. Normally this might earn the dreaded label of “intimidating,” except somehow I feel like writing with you also elevates the quality of my writing in a wonderfully symbiotic way. I know RL claims your time a lot ( and should definitely be the top priority ) so I’m going to pretend I don’t check my notifications half as often as I do in hopes of getting more of this very new fix. Reeve is so very confused right now, and I am looking forward to getting to know Scarlet and all the ways in which we have yet to break each other. ❤︎

@directorlazard – The length of time that it takes me to reply to you really doesn’t do justice to how happy I am to be able to write with you ( which will probably go for most of the people on this list tbh, so everyone else should just pretend I have said this to them as well ). It’s not just your muse that feels “in character” but your whole blog does; I am certain that you are, in fact, Lazard behind the screen, and I can’t tell you how much I admire the role you play not just IC but OOC as well. Writing with you has been a pleasure so far and I am really excited to see how the Wutai War will shape a relationship between these two fledgling directors. No one else has prompted me to put half as much thought into my backstory and headcanons as you have, that’s for sure!

@dcntgiveup – Older Marlene. I could scream forever about this very muse concept tbh but I have already done that a few times before. So I will just say I love that someone else is equally as interested in what was going on with Reeve, Marlene, and Elmyra while the rest of AVALANCHE was off doing their thing, which I guess I have also said before, so instead I will just say this: You’re rly cool and I like your muse a lot. ❤︎

@argent-noir – Tumblr ( or some mod I’ve forgotten I’ve installed ) says you are getting 9% of my love, which apparently puts you in the lead, but that sounds pretty low to me. Tseng is enigmatic and frightening and he makes us a little nervous, so pardon us if we seem to stalk from afar at times. Reeve just wants to get to know him better but isn’t sure if that’s allowed.

@hydraulics-are-sexy – I haven’t yet laughed harder while playing Reeve than I did while writing the two threads with you. I love the idea of Reeve having a friend who he’s comfortable with even while holding this lofty position and I feel like that’s what we’ve established here right off the bat even if it’s never been formally discussed. Normally he’s very polite and political but with Shalua I find him discussing more personal topics and with more sincerity. It’s nice. :] I guess accidental dick pics will do that.

@exsiliumductoris – There are some muses who are so intimidating ( and rightfully so ) that it’s all you can do to remind yourself that the mun has been nothing but friendly and approachable and Veld is definitely one of the two who immediately come to mind as I write this. You play your muse with such an authentic presence though that it’s like “Oh shit, Veld.” Despite all our joking about it, I can definitely say that if Reeve was kissing Scarlet in the same verse that Veld was ever involved with her, he’d be scared out of his mind and possibly seeking some kind of witness protection program. ( But we’re still keeping her. )

@a-chaotic-affair – Lucrecia really deserved so much better and I hope you continue trying to bring her that, because you have so much passion for her and things to say that can only be said by you. And thank you again for the graphic help! Be kind to yourself. ❤︎ I look forward to seeing where we can go but take your time.

@kunselxknows – SON. The way to this man’s heart is through his cat, okay? Is Kunsel a free agent after Meteorfall? Because we might poach him and put him in intelligence gathering or something. He already has a recommendation from Cait Sith.

@jjillekkot – Is anyone sweeter than Nina? Thoughtful with her headcanons and always goes out of her way to include other muses in things. It’s little touches like that that really create a sense of community, and I appreciate that so much. ❤︎

@eteriskromling – The amount of atmosphere and backstory you create for your muse is truly impressive. I’m also still interested in that other idea you expressed a while back. ;] We could have a full boardroom, just saying.

@ablackwing – I may have snuck you in at the last minute here precisely because Sephiroth just poked fun at Reeve’s hair turning gray but tbh that is A++ and worth the inclusion and even if we’ve literally swapped two posts back and forth it definitely made my night the evening that I wrote this, so kudos to you.

@evil-robot-cat – I know you’re not an RP blog so including you here is probably an unconventional move, but how can I not give a shoutout to someone who draws so much Reeve art? Your comics are hilarious and adorable, and every time you like one of my posts I feel like I have a cheerleader rooting for me, so thanks for the support. xD

The Cat’s Meow —

And lastly...to the pornbot that was #100, because of course it was. OTL ( I’m not tagging it. )

#𝕔𝕣𝕚𝕔𝕜𝕖𝕪 𝕝𝕒𝕤𝕤 𝕤𝕙𝕦𝕥 𝕪𝕖𝕣 𝕞𝕠𝕠𝕥𝕙 | ooc #gonna schedule this for the morning since it's getting pretty late now

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isasoumas · 7 years

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1.) Does your Five speak? If not, why not? nope! they cannot. they got in a car crash a year or two pre-apocalypse and (makes vague hand motions and mumbles something about smoke damage to vocal chords) no voice. im not a doctor. they know asl (bc theyre from america), they started learning it to entertain themselves while bedridden. sam picks it up after ‘a voice in the dark’ bc “were friends now, we should be able to talk!” idk how different asl and bsl are or if they’d be able to find resources on asl in england i haven’t thought that deeply about it but it’s probably fine. adrien gets by through a combination of signing to their close friends who have learned it, whispering, writing notes, and complicated games of charades, depending on the situation. its a whole system. 2.) Who are your Five’s best friends? (rolls out a mile long sheet of paper) ok so. sam, because duh, they support each other through everything. simon’s their partner in crime; the devil on their shoulder to sam’s angel. adrien’s really close to maxine, too, and paula increasingly after s3. they have a huge amount of respect for janine, but dont consider her a “friend” until s4 or so. sara’s a hugely important mentor and source of inspiration. they weren’t rly friends with jaimie bc he wasn’t around abel long, but they wanted to be. jody’s a good pal, too. and they really like tom and want to make up for, like, everything that happened to him in s4 and before. i could do this all fuckin day honestly but i don’t think i’m missing anyone major so i’ll stop. the actual Best Friends Tier is probably sam, simon, sara, maxine. 3.) Does your Five have any love interests? 5amon ride or fucking die. obvi their current relationship w simon is. complicated but i think it could be repaired. they def still care about him. and i don’t need to qualify 5am like Come On. 4.) Who does your Five not hang out with outside of work? there’s not many people they outright dislike. they’re a forgiving person to a fault lmao. like. sam does something to mess with them in d&d and adrien won’t speak to him for a week, but someone tries to kill them? i mean they had their reasons, i’m sure. actually the only big one i can think of is the major? not that they don’t respect her, but her mentality of treating people as soldiers and resources instead of people doesn’t sit right with them. they know its /necessary/ but that doesn’t mean they /like/ it. 5.) What kind of hairstyle does your Five sport? just kinda. short n’ layered. black, they’re a good portion native american. probably chippewa, mid-michigan. they let it grow out until it falls in their eyes too much or until they start putting it in tiny ugly ponytails and someone steps in. naga and i outlined a whole fiasco of them asking simon to cut it once and him giving them a bowl cut. it earns him the silent treatment for weeks and no one without a medical license is allowed to cut adrien’s hair ever again. 6.) What is your Five’s relationship to Abel D&D night? they’re super into it. they play an elven rouge who hates everything except money and his friends. this is also one of the situations where they unashamedly like. bang on the table or sth when they have an Idea that Must Be Heard. 7.) What’s one wacky headcanon about Abel? THIS IS REALLY HARD im kind of stealing nagas answer but i just have a bunch of little things about what they get up to as people trying to keep joy alive in the apocalypse. goofy holiday parties and meme wars on rofflenet. this is less wacky but i really like the idea that runners just Get each other in a way other people at abel don’t. like they have symbols and things they leave in the field, they have certain sensitive topics they never bring up, without discussion, they sit on each others bunks whispering their hopes and fears until they ‘accidentally’ fall asleep on each other. no one questions it or teases. sometimes you just don’t want to spend the night alone in the dark. that wasn’t wacky that was emo and gay. 8.) What’s one wacky headcanon about your Five? dang this is hard, too. um. they use signing to gossip a lot. for a while sam’s the only one who knows it and they can talk shit literally behind janine’s back. she she starts catching onto words like “hardass” and “strict” and they start making up codes until they’re signing shit like “the beaver jumped over the fence again, can you believe it?” simon only starts learning because he’s pretty sure they’re openly mocking him. (they are.) 9.) How did your Five end up at Mullins base? good question my dude. um. they’re american, they were taking their last semester of college abroad when the apocalypse hit. maybe their university advised them to do there? maybe they just ran for the nearest place that sounded defensible? don’t worry about it. 10.) What doesn’t your Five miss about the pre-apocalypse world? cars. their accident left them with a huge fear of them. they can’t drive, they can only really ride in a car if they’re reading or on their phone or somehow distracting themselves from ever looking out the window. walking everywhere being a necessity and not a weird quirk is a blessing. and just the volume of people? they have a Thing about being talked over or drowned out because they were a really passive kid, and just when they started finding their metaphorical voice as a person, they lost their literal voice. in the apocalypse there’s just less people to talk to at a time. its a lot easier to snap their fingers or sth and be like “hey, you interrupted me.”

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genri911 · 7 years

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That Blue Singer

Hahahahaha! I really do have so much fun cutting people online! I’m up for some omegling! (not a word) > ^ <

You’re chatting with a random stranger on Omegle.

Say hi!

You: hey

I shall greet him over and over.

Stranger: hi

You: hello

Stranger: how’s it goin

You: yo

Stranger: y0

You: sup

Stranger: /b/

What the fuck does that mean? Oh well…

You: /a/

Stranger: FUCK U

Stranger has disconnected.

Hahahahahaha! What a moron! How could he get mad at something like that? And what the fuck does /b/ even mean anyway? It’s not my fault I didn’t know so I just thought it was some kind of game and answered /a/.

Sheesh. That’s fine though. This is isn’t actually the first time some stranger disconnected with me.

I opened my blog to see if ThatBlueSinger updated hers. She’s pretty interesting and I have been visiting her blog for the past few months. I know, call me a stalker or whatever but I think I’m starting to fall for her.

I’m not really in to anime and all but I have a lot of friends who are. I don’t even know why ThatBlueSinger would name herself ThatBlueSinger when she loves anime and manga and 2D guys. Yes, we’ve been talking. Not much though. But I did my research on her which is how I found out that she likes anime stuff. I’ve been trying to catch her attention by talking about anime but she doesn’t really last that long when I try to talk to her. She’d just greet me over and over again. That’s where I got greeting people over and over again.

ThatBlueSinger updated her blog.

Speak of the devil.

DevinTheSaint: hey

ThatBlueSinger: hi

DevinTheSaint: hello

ThatBlueSinger: yo

DevinTheSaint: sup

ThatBlueSinger: greetings

DevinTheSaint: how r u

ThatBlueSinger: good day

DevinTheSaint: cmon man, talk to me

ThatBlueSinger: the # u dialled is not available at the moment, pls try ur call later

DevinTheSaint: nice try

ThatBlueSinger: wat do u want dev

DevinTheSaint: do u hav skype or sumthin

ThatBlueSinger: i hav sumthin

DevinTheSaint: no srsly. do u hav skype

ThatBlueSinger: yeah

DevinTheSaint: pm me

ThatBlueSinger: no. am me

DevinTheSaint: awww cmon dude! im rly intrsted in u

ThatBlueSinger: im honored

DevinTheSaint: srsly

ThatBlueSinger: k

DevinTheSaint: y r u so secretive anyway

ThatBlueSinger: y r u so curious anyway

DevinTheSaint: bc i think ur awesum

ThatBlueSinger: u know me well nuff then

DevinTheSaint: i wanna c u

ThatBlueSinger: k, bye. c u

Oh man, she won’t be replying now then…

DevinTheSaint: u still there?

DevinTheSaint: hey

DevinTheSaint: talk 2 u nx tym i guess?

Well, it was worth a shot. At least we communicated longer than usual. Why does she not talk much to other people online anyway? Usually, people online talk about useless shit a lot. She on the other hand, doesn’t talk about anything at all. I kinda like her for that though. So mysterious….. I really wanna know more about her.

Out of curiosity, I typed in “ThatBlueSinger” on google and saw……..

HELLUVA LOT!

SHIT!

FUCK!

WHAT THE HELL!

What in the galaxy have I been doing all this time?! Why didn’t I realize it before? How could I have NOT known about this? How stupid have I been? Why didn’t anyone tell me? Since when was she?!

SINCE WHEN WAS SHE IN A BAAAAAAND?!?!?!?!

This is simply unexpected!! She’s been having concerts with her band all over the world! And there’s also news here on the web stating that ThatBlueSinger seems to have an online admirer that doesn’t know who she is and it’s…….

ME.

MEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHH!!!!!!

MY STUPID FACE ON THAT STUPID PROFILE PICTURE FOR MY STUPID BLOG WAS STUPIDLY SHOWN ON THE STUPID NEWS ALL OVER THE STUPID INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I think I’m crazy.

Am I crazy?

Maybe I’m hallucinating.

But I’ve never been high before.

I’ve never even taken drugs.

I’ve never even seen drugs.

But anyway, this girl is hot! Looking at her pictures could get me melted!

“What the hell?” I muttered under my own breath.

“Derric! What the hell? Are you perhaps making a fucking house in our lame house? Why the hell have you been hitting the fucking walls on your fucking room? We have fucking guests and you’re making it fucking noisy downstairs!” Mum yelled.

Yes, my mum talks like that.

Fortunately, I’m still decent enough.

Unfortunately, my dad ran away from home because he was so scared and couldn’t take it anymore.

“Uhh… sorry mum! I’m doing.. uh… my project!” I replied.

“What the fuck are you talking about?! I’m a fucking teacher at your fucking school and I’m your fucking adviser! And I would fucking know when you fucking have a fucking project or not!” Wow, that’s a shitload of fuck.

“Uhh…. this is for my.. uh… this is a… an Acting Project! Yes, I’m acting in my room right now so don’t disturb me.”

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Yes, mum. I am fucking serious.”

“Fucking good then.” Mum said, and went back downstairs.

Oh man… I don’t even know how I’m still decent after all these years. I’m already 16. I’ve been living with this monster alien for 16 years already. I don’t even know how I survived. Maybe it was out of luck or… maybe not. Mum loves me despite acting like that all the time. I know that, and I love mum too.

But going back to the topic……….. ThatBlueSinger is a real singer?!?!? I still can’t process this! I really need to see her! And no wonder I’ve got a lot more views on my blog, it was because of her! I mean, who wouldn’t be famous after being mentioned by an idol to the whole world?!

I want to see her.

I need to see her.

I… like her.

But…. how?

Not even the whole world knows where she lives? It says here on google that ThatBlueSinger is the only one in her band who seems to be unknown. She never says anything about her except for the fact that she loves 2D guys and that she can sing.

What the hell? She has Twitter and Facebook! But… no one knows what her name is……

Okay then, I shall collect all of the things that I know about her now.

ThatBlueSinger had been singing ever since she graduated from grade school. She is the lead guitarist and singer of the BG band, otherwise known as Blue Galaxy band. She is the leader of the band and she was the one who recruited her members. She started singing at the age of 13 when her school picked all of the best singers at her middle school to compete with another middle school. Her band was doing absolutely fine until…..

She died.

Then…. who was I talking to?

“Derric! Someone’s fucking calling for you! Is she your fucking girlfriend? Why didn’t you fucking tell me about this?!” Mum yelled.

I went downstairs to see who it was. It’s probably just Crystal. She and her twin brother, Ice are my only friends. But… they would always visit me here together. Why is Crystal alone?

Mum and her guests went to the backyard so I guess Crystal must be waiting in the living room.

“Oh, hey Crystal-”

“Hi, DevinTheSaint.”

“Woah, how do you even know that?”

“I have no time to explain, you are in great danger.”

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you even talk to my friend? At this rate-”

“Your friend? But Ice and I-”

“You guys are not my only friends. Let me show you.”

“What the- Where are we going?”

Crystal dragged me out of the house and we took a cab and ended up at the cemetery.

“Crystal? Why?”

“Look at this grave carefully.”

ThatBlueSinger 2000-2015

“It has been a year Derric. No one visits her blog anymore. Her band disbanded already. Soon after her death, the rest of her band mates died. Anyone who stays connected to her will die!”

“Derric you will die!”

“DERRIC!!!!!!!!!!!!” WTF?! Wait.. what the? Mum? Why am I in my bed?

“Derric, I’ve been fucking calling you since the fucking doorbell fucking rang! Go downstairs and fucking see who it fucking is! I’m fucking tired to fucking go downstairs!” Ugh, mum’s the same as ever.

I went downstairs to see who it was and when I opened the door, the person I saw was……

#short story #short stories #story #stories #comedy #cut #online #people #mystery #romance #singer #music

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viper-no-viping · 7 years

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Wweelp. I guess it's Rambling Time.

Not even sure how far I'll get in any particular topic, but, we're still kind of rusty with blathering shit for school assignments, so.. Here I am, exercising my shit-blathering pathways, or whatever.

I guess an initial General Weather Report would be suitable, given that seems to be how our collectively chronophobic ass keeps track of things that we will Almost Definitely forget in the nearish future.. But that would require thinking in detail about Various Things and that's kind of Not My Bag rly, heh, so. I dunno, I guess we'll see what happens.

Suppose starting with the current thought process will suffice. There's this trans chick on YouTube we follow, who posted recently that she's getting bottom surgery, now that she's recovered from her facial feminization surgery. From there I ended up at.. One or two other videos, pretty sure it was two, about her transition timeline.

And now "transition timeline testosterone" is sitting there in the YouTube search bar staring back at me and I'm just like :\ lol dunno, or someshit.. sigh.

This video made some Feely Feels rear their dysphoric heads, because of some Hashtag Relatable shit about the way he described stuff.. And I'm sure the seething jealousy that he got top surgery means something, heh, meanwhile we're over here crossing our fingers that the body isn't too fucked up for even a breast reduction, which, even for that, the co-pay alone.. ugh.

I mean, not like I actually know how much it would be yet, hopefully Tahni will remember to ask about that when we see the primary again for the results of the next ultrasound to make sure that ovarian cyst isn't fucking cancer, fucking goddamn cancer, never would have thought we'd be stressing over that as a possibility but here we fucking are..

Well. I personally don't have much history, hehe, what with the Iiii don't, exist, Iiii don't, exist.. et cetera.. yeeup, not sure where that was going, but anyway. Yeah. If not from the fucking ovaries, possibly from the goddamn thyroid, which is Fun. Apparently there are no actual known causes for the thyroid cancers, shit just fucking happens, more commonly in "women." Yay.

But I mean, even if it is some kind of fucking thyroid cancer, at this point just take the shit out and put us on thyroid meds for the rest of our life, just make this shit stop.. ugh, but it's probably not even one thing, is it, this whole fucking body is going to shit, and how many months will it be until we've done enough tests and shit to figure out what's even going on..

It's so funny, two years ago they Really Thought it would just be an endoscopy and colonoscopy to find the cause, just a couple tests.. xD Ahh, funny in a kind of lol kill me way.. But at least shit is actually showing UP on tests now. Just having the vague undiagnosable bullshit is a different kind of agony, like before the LPR was diagnosed, it is Fucked Up trying to get any kind of answer on shit when your main symptom is just a constant hellish nausea, not anything that comes back from a lab test with Actual Results that doctors will Actually Respect.. To say nothing of how family and friends start slowly but surely deciding to themselves that it's just you making a fuss out of "nothing."

So, yeah. Different kind of hell, but godfuckingdamn I would take almost any other ailment aside from this fucking Everlasting Period bullshit. Talk about fucking dysphoria, haha. You really hate acknowledging the existence of this entire section of the meatsuit you're stuck in? Here, have some as-yet-undiagnosed ~menstrual issues~ that make the most unpleasant thing that section of the meatsuit does last TWICE AS LONG AS IT USED TO!! THAT SURELY WON'T MAKE YOU WANT TO STAB YOURSELF AT ALL!!!!

Yep. Look how well I'm coping. XDD STFU self, damn.

Or, well, I guess don't STFU, still need to exercise the word-vomit muscles, god knows how the fuck I'm gonna get by the rest of that godforsaken pass/fail How To Actually Do Shit With Your Psychology Degree Part I class.. Due tomorrow is an assignment in place of a midterm, to make a resume and goal list of shit to do that'll make said resume better.

Except there are no accredited fully-online law schools yet, so what in the ungodly fuck are we gonna even do with the degree? It's not like having it is gonna make the body less of a complete medical fucking wreck, it's not like it'll erase the fact that we can never know when we're going to be suddenly fucking incapacitated with dizziness/ridiculous cramps/intense don't-fucking-move-or-you'll-gag nausea for days on end so we can't actually keep a consistent schedule of doing anything outside of the house, what the fuck good is it gonna do me to make a fucking resume reminding me of exactly how worthless of a job candidate we are at this point?

Whoops, that Got Deep real quick, haha. But like, seriously, what the shit do I even put on a resume aside from the fact that we accidentally started the Psychology Club at our high school? If we use the non-chronological resume format it'll make the employment gap stand out less, but it's supposed to emphasize skills and experience instead, and what fucking skills or whatever can we even put on a resume? What fucking skill set will make you a viable job candidate when you can't even stand for the length of a shower without your legs getting shaky, but you don't have a fancy enough degree or the social stamina to handle a job that doesn't require some form of physical labor? Not to mention I think there's also supposed to be a made-up cover letter, something like "Hi I'm XYZ and I'm applying for ABC job with this resume", what the fucking shit can I even put for that when I know how Ridiculously Limited we are at this point?

A bunch of blathered nonsense to fill a page with lots of words and hopefully conceal the fact that we're completely making shit up. That's what. Because I can't just say "I'm Pretty Much Fucked in terms of traditional employment because chronically ill autistic multiple, and am trying to plan out a career in online comics, or if online law school becomes a thing I'll gladly use my psych degree for that." That's how you fail an assignment, even if it's the truth. I can't exactly write a cover letter to the internet announcing our intent to try that shit. So. Yeah. All aboard the Blathering Train, instead.

But yeah, anyway, that's enough financial/career angst for right now. Back to dysphoria angst!, lolol.

Yeah, so, here I am staring at this shit in the search bar and just.. Like, I don't even know if it would be medically safe to try HRT at this point, but aside from that, I don't even think that's what we want, ideally? Not interested in dealing with facial hair, armpit and "downstairs" hair already pisses some of us off enough..

Not sure if we're interested in being perceived as male, I guess, but not really wanting to be perceived as female either? I'm pretty sure at this point most of us are either specifically agender, or don't subscribe to the concept of gendering traits at all and just call themselves non-binary..

Like, the vast majority of us have fucking hated the body's boobs since they first showed up in middle school. We gave Not A Fuck for gendered shit, in general, but on an autistic sensory level we Fucking Despise pressure on the body's chest and these bitches are heavy. Even moreso than usual, recently, what with the hormones being fucked up. Fucking hate it.

But like, how do you explain to a doctor that you want the boobs off completely? The best we can probably realistically hope for is a reduction because back pain, but I dunno if it would Raise Questions if we asked what the smallest possible size they could do was. Could we settle for As? Would it be weird to ask to go from DDs to As? Weird enough that someone would take the time to be like "now hang on a second" and start trying to make us go through the red tape bullshit to be on record as Officially A Trans TM?

If we could get away with not wearing a bra without looking like we're wearing weird droopy melons under our shirt, I feel like that much would be enough for several of us, even if the body did still technically have some small boobage. As long as it didn't impede us or anything we wanted to do, if it didn't get in the way or weigh down on our chest, if it didn't make our shirts fit weird, I feel like we could deal with that..

But then I see this trans bro on YouTube here and hhnnghh why can't we just not have themmmm..

I mean, ideally, why can't the fuckers be detachable so those who don't hate them can put them on when they feel like it and the rest of us can go on our merry way without them, but, heh, science isn't quite there yet.. Next best thing seems like it would be getting top surgery and letting whomever felt like having boobs just stuff a bra when they wanted to. But of course, insurance won't pay for it if it's just because We Really Want It, we'd have to either be Officially Trans TM and jump through all those hoops and hope top surgery is covered, or we'd have to just settle for a breast reduction covered under back pain.

I guess it also Says Something, that so many of us in the system are asexual-and/or-gay dudes, or simply never thought about it and are female "by default" aka because the body was categorized as that and we didn't care enough about gender to think there was any other option, we just accepted the narrative presented to us, that we were just "not like other girls." None of us have ever felt super masculine or super feminine, that I can recall, because What The Fuck Even Is Gender, and why the fuck is it necessary to divide up traits into human-created categories anyway..

But it makes it hard to figure out exactly where we are in terms of transness.. We've known Basically Forever that we "aren't like other girls," but gender means so little to us that we never particularly wanted to be a boy either, so calling ourselves a trans guy or even just non-binary transmasculine still seems odd, even though it seems like the latter should fit..

But then, how much of that is just cisheteronormativity in action? Because I know we've had several dreams wherein we had a wang and it felt pretty natural, not foreign and out of place like the body's current genitalia setup. But like, what the fuck does wang-creating surgery even look like, that sounds like a whole mess of complicated shit to figure out, and we're already medically compromised..

With the arrival of our newest non-straight dude, one of several in the system, some of us have had to seriously reexamine where we stand on gender shit. I guess at this point it's generally accepted that we would have been much better suited to existence as "semi-effeminate AMAB homoflexible non-binary ace," rather than "pan-quoiro AFAB possibly transmasculine non-binary ace"..

I guess it feels like masculine should have been the starting point that we feminized to our liking, instead of starting off with feminine and not knowing if we want to be "masculine enough" to be categorized as "transmasculine".. Is it "masculine enough" if we want the boobs off but can't do HRT because half the shit this other video mentions sounds just as bad as having the boobs? We can't stand body hair and acne and all that, and god knows how HRT would even work with all the hormonal issues the body's already having..

The more I think about what we ultimately would ideally want, the more it seems like we would really just prefer having no AFAB reproductive parts/periods and no boobs, maybe a wang and a lower voice, and that's it. I guess maybe we could try out the aesthetic of some minimal beardage, but body hair in general already irritates several of us.. So like, for various reasons I don't see HRT happening.

We already know most of us would have the boobs off tomorrow if we could, but I guess what's tripping some of us up now is the fact that Vern is way less genitalia-repulsed than most of us, and in fact seems to generally handle the notion of Having A Body better than most of us.. And he definitely identifies as a guy, a non-binary semi-effeminate robot guy but still definitely masc-leaning, so.. What does it say about us if so many of us have already been questioning this for so long, and now the one who's most secure in his gender identity out of all of us is one of our masc-leaning non-binary guys?

I don't even know how we would.. React to it, I guess, if we did try to.. I dunno, embrace being transmasculine or something.. It doesn't feel like we'd prefer to do anything drastically different, behavior-wise, and we don't care enough about pronouns to try to figure out something gender-neutral that isn't "they" because gender-neutral "they" within a plural "they" system is confusing as fuck.. So like, I don't think most of us on the fence about being transmasculine would change our names or whatever, or use he/him pronouns, it would just.. Feel better to not have certain anatomical bits be perceived as part of who we are?

But then that just kind of makes us wonder if we're being a Bad Trans TM or something, like if that counts as reducing gender to body parts or something.. This is all so goddamn complicated.

Hot damn, finally got around to looking up some YouTubeage about how the fuck a phalloplasty actually works.. Taking skin, fat, a nerve, and an artery from the donor site to make it, that sounds so fucking unnerving to even think about, taking body stuff from one area and like.. Making a wang? Ughh, there are so many stages.. Yeah, no, even getting the AFAB reproductive bits out seems like possibly too much intense surgery for us, I don't see how we could ever manage this kind of bottom surgery, shit sounds fucking terrifying, I guess the notion of taking so much shit from another area on the body just kind of gets us in a body horror kind of way..

So yeah, I don't see us being able to do that.. And I mean, we're not really sexually-focused to begin with, so like, aside from just the base-level comfort of Having It, it's not like we'd desperately Need a wang or anything to have a fulfilling life? Just NOT having the AFAB reproductive shit/periods, that would be the main thing, not having that shit and not having the boobs. If we had a lower voice we could pass as a guy if we wanted to, and we'd probably like that, but weighing that one thing against the whole list of other shit that comes with HRT, it's probably not worth it.

But how do you ask for, much less get covered for, removing the boobs and reproductive stuff with no Official Medical Reason, just "because I don't want it"? Non-binary dysphoria doesn't seem like it would be considered a Valid Enough reason for it to be covered, but we don't want to go into a Full Transition either, so.. yeah, I dunno how we'll end up being more comfortable just existing in the body, with so many roadblocks.

I dunno, objectively it's probably internalized transphobia/nb-phobia or whatever the name for that is, not feeling "trans enough" and whatnot.. But I guess part of it is also, why can't we just be a fucking gender mystery and be allowed to exist that way? It's our fucking meatsuit, why do we have to pigeonhole ourselves into either Male or Female just for our insurance to believe that certain bodyparts cause us extreme dysphoria and we'd be better off without them? Why can't we just be a person with no boobs and maybe a wang and a voice that can't be readily identified as male or female?

I dunno why I'm even rambling about this, I know why, cisheteronormativity and various historical fuckeries, et cetera. I guess it's just frustrating trying to figure out where we are on the gender spectrum when we're blocked from making the modifications that would make the body feel less alien to us. Maybe if we could actually get top surgery, we would have a better idea of whether we consider ourselves transmasculine or just some kind of masc-leaning genderfluid non-binary, which is where several of us seem to be right now..

Hnngh. This guy seems like a good example of where we might end up one day if we do end up trying out HRT, but the idea of the body being more of a pain than it already is in terms of body hair/acne/et cetera just seems so shitty..

Haha, is it weird that I'm kind of hoping that ovarian cyst will end up being cancer and they'll give us an option to remove the whole reproductive setup in there? Because we would do that shit in a heartbeat. What's that called, a hysterectomy? A total laparoscopic hysterectomy with bilateral ovary-something-something.. How do you convince insurance that you Need that to improve your quality of life, without establishing yourself as Fully Transitioning?

Wow, this guy's scars are so small, huh, would have thought it'd be worse.. Goddamn, we'd love to have all that shit taken out. Not like we're fucking using any of it, it's just been causing us more and more agony since puberty, can't be doing this fucking 11-day period bullshit anymore, the dysphoria was bad enough on its own..

ugh, why the fuck am I even looking at all this, not like we can do any major surgeries for a while yet, if at all..

I don't know, I guess trying to work out what we would collectively be least-dysphoric with is useful, it's just extra depressing thinking about how hard it'll be to get the boobs off, or even reduced, much less the whole reproductive removal biz.. feh. Time to ramble about something else.

hmph, actually, should probably do the other quiz for that pass/fail class.. -.- That way we can just deal with the resume/goal list bullshit tomorrow, mmmmboy.. meh, that would require more focus than I probably have though, guess it'll be tomorrow.

I dunno. The 10th-to-12th anniversary is fast approaching, probably best to just disappear into distractions a bit longer, at least until it's passed. Still not sure if it'd be best to avoid tumblr or what, on the 12th, but I guess we'll see.. meh.

#this is mostly collective-wide shit but i Cannot Be Fucked to properly tag all this so #i'll just leave this here for now

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