#unmasking is fucking hard

[hotluncheddie]

high masking autistic steve harrington follow on from this post

ao3

wc: 2.6k | rated: T | cw: description of a meltdown with semi aggressive stimms | tags: autistic steve harrington (and eddie and robin but this is about stevie), hurt/comfort, stobin soulmates, steddie, steve Harrington has shitty parents

.𖥔 ݁ ˖

he failed. he graduated. but he failed. those unsaid words between him and his parents. some get said. the bad ones, about him, they get said. over again like he’s 5 and being told is behaviour isn’t acceptable. that how he is isn’t right. ‘shape up or ship out’, basically. steve knows he can’t go anywhere new, not right now. only freshly recovered, physically at least. mentally; he’s still unacceptable. 

when steve works at scoops. it’s so fucking bright in there. so fucking bright, all day and he can’t focus and talking to people gets so much harder. it’s not like school where he can zone out in class and turn it on during lunch, in between, keep up his face with the people around him and sink back into his head during chemistry. no. now it’s all the time, customer after customer. that he has to talk to, put on a smile for, read so he gives them what they want and they leave happy. it’s exhausting. girls don’t like him anymore, they don’t react to him the same way. he doesn’t think he likes them much either though because they’re so much more annoying when it’s so fucking bright. 

but robin (robin who cycles to work with sunglasses on and doesn’t take them off till she has too) she turns the lights down during open and close. so those couple hours, it’s not so bad. not so stressful. a little bit less loud. 

after the mall burns down steve starts letting her in. tries too. she makes it obvious enough to him that she wants him there. she asks him to stay and calls him at night and he just wants to be enough for her. eventually he’d swallowed his pride and bolstered his courage and called her after a string of nightmares. asking her to stay the night. but then she was there, and it was like everything was thrown off. she was grating on his already freyed nerves but he didn’t know what to say. how to fix it without upsetting her. 

but that night, a mirror of the mall bathroom played out in steves en-suite. steve had freaked. hidden. but she didn’t leave. and he tried to explain. 

he needs her but he doesn’t know how to have her as a true friend. ‘i dunno how to talk to a girl if i don’t wanna date them. i uh, maybe, don’t really know how to talk to someone as myself. as a friend. sorry.’ 

‘well i don’t know how to talk to jocks so. same boat.’ and she has this glint in her eye. like she knows. and it’s okay. 

because robin, she made it simple. she makes it easy. she says just ask and she’ll be honest and give him a yes or no. she’ll say if she can’t be touched right now, or if the movie he chose is pissing her the fuck off. and she wants the same from him. if the music is too loud, if she needs to let him not speak for a while. wants him honest and present and real. real friends. someone close. finally. 

it’s rocky at first. she’s honest and he’s not used to it. it feel like criticism more often than not. makes him see red and lash out, like he was never able to with his parents. but he apologises and she stays. and he’s learning; that’s it’s okay, he’s not perfect and that means she’s knowing the real him. and she’s still his best friend even if he has to tell her to stop picking her nail polish off around him because it makes him want to die. and she laughs at him the first time she sees him in real recovery mode; hair not styled and he has on the only sweatshirt that ever feels good when he’s like this. 

they lay on the floor in darkness and silence. it’s perfect. they share a tin of soup and a grilled cheese. it’s perfect. 

being around robin as much as he is, its so new, having someone see so many parts of you. sometimes she laughs at him asking steve ‘why’d your voice change?’ but steve didn’t even know it had. he was, he was just talking to someone else quick, being nice like you’re supposed to, attentive to make them feel good. he didn’t know his voice changed that much. 

‘girls would like you more if you talked normal to them. how you do to me.’ 

steve swallowed thickly. he just. he just doesn’t know that thats true. nancy left, he talked to her about lots of things, too many things. she like him better at the start. before some of his black tar innards spilled out. before he freaked. before he was able to paste himself back together and she saw him for what he really is. 

he thinks of his parents. how they don’t know him and still don’t like him. anxiety prickles at his fingertips at the thought of those times they do come home. 

because with them there the routine he’s carved for himself, those quiet moments of darkness that he so craves. they’re gone. now it’s tv static and plates clanging and having to show his face at dinner again. but he’s not ten anymore. now he’s an adult whose still drowning in the tension of the room, never able to say what’s really going on, never allowed to ask how they really feel, never taught how to figure his feeling out. no listening ear for steve as a child, and the ice only grew thicker with time. 

it’s his skin itching at his mother stirring her tea across the house, spoon agains porcelain. it’s the hair on the back of his neck standing up at the sound of ice clinking in his fathers scotch glass. it’s triggered memories playing over and over again. it’s being plagued, by ghosts who haunt him, who left but come back every so often, like poltergeists. polietgists with the deed to the house, and ownership over steve, through blood and fear alone. 

‘when they get back you come to mine steve yeah? you come home.’

because now theres not just robin. there’s eddie. 

he sees everything. and more. even when steve’s trying to hide. eddie sees. 

he noticed steve squinting at the hospital and asked the nurse to turn the lights down. he saw how he started zoning out at a diner with the kids, their arguing reaching a pitch, asked steve to keep him company for a smoke break. once they were outside eddie said he just needed a moment, ‘those kids can be animals’. said it and looked a him like he didn’t need an answer, let steve just breathe a focus on the sound of the wind. 

it’s like there’s a million tiny moments, a million tiny cracks in him forming the more he’s around eddie. like his soft underbelly is mewling any time he’s around, wanting attention, wanting to let eddie see. let eddie touch. 

eddie used to look at him sometimes, across the lunch hall. stare at him with an expression steve couldn’t really make sense of. he used to think it was judgment, annoyance. now he wonders if that face was confusion or interest. maybe eddie’s always been trying to figure steve out. 

once it starts. them. eddie’s everywhere. more somehow, maybe, than robin because, you know, they go there. but it’s different, from those time, with those girls. instead now he’s there and his brains off and on in a, like, magical way. a new way that makes him feel whole and, and beautiful. 

this thing they have. it’s fragile. it’s not perfect. he messes up, takes him a moment to grasp how eddie can be so so himself, always, no matter what. especially when it causes him problems. ‘why not just try and fit in?’ but the stone faced reply told steve that was the wrong thing to say, he didn’t get it but he needed to respect it. respect eddie and his choices. ‘i’m not like you steve, even if my brain shit was all gone i’d still be poor, i’d still be othered. still be a gay weirdo little freak.’ 

and steve is trying to get it. he’s learning to recognise that it’s sadness and confusion in eddie’s eyes when he visits him at work, knowing steve is having a bad day and watching him pretend. watching that mask form thick and fast, hiding the real him, protecting but also keeping everyone far far away. steve thinks maybe they’re living parallels. finding different ways to survive. neither better, neither worse. both far from perfect. 

then that pinched sadness in eddie’s eyes. watching steve pretend. cover up. that damn breaks eventually. eddie sees all of him and more. those bits he always kept locked inside. between he and himself. it all comes spilling out. 

they were supposed to be going out soon. but eddie wasn’t feeling it anymore ‘let’s just stay here, be cozy a little longer. what do you say, sweetheart?’ it does sound nice. steves so tired. but they decided. they had a plan. 

‘we said we would. and i have to buy that thing eddie. we had a plan. and i have to go to work later, so we have to do it before. like we said and then i have to work eddie.’ and before he knows it there’s tears prickling his eyes and the ceiling fan is so loud and the desk lamp is too bright and he smacks a fist to the top of his head and it hurts a little but he’s so frustrated and so overwhelmed and so confused and embarrassed, suddenly. and he can’t breath. why can’t he breath? they had a plan. 

they were supposed to go see hopper and pick something up and he has to talk to him and ask about the game because he needs hopper to like him because it’s better when el can come when all the kids hangout. it’s important that she’s happy so hopper needs to trust steve so steve was going to talk to him today and pick something up. it was the plan. hopper makes him nervous but that was the plan. and then he had to go to work. but now he can’t breathe and he feels like he needs something to hurt. 

‘but he already trusts you with el stevie. hop trusts you with anything.’ 

‘i can’t know that. not for sure. when i talk to him it needs to be perfect.’ steve paces. a pinch at his arm. a tug at his hair. pivot. pace. repeat. 

‘i heard what he said to you steve, on your birthday, he was calling you son all day. you don’t need to prove anything to him.’ 

‘i do eddie! you don’t understand. people, they lie. adults lie. they don’t say things the way they mean. i can’t fuck up talking to him. not like i always fuck up talking to my parents. i need to do it better. do it differently. because everyone always leaves. and i just don’t want to be alone again.’ and the tears really start to fall and steve can barely breath and he’s so embarrassed. shaking hands try and cover his face but the tears slip through. 

and all he can think about is the plan. going to work. his vest hanging by the door. the way the plastic tapes feel in his hands. the smell of the bleach they mop the back room with. the day stretches before him. so many things in the way. so much anxiety still to come. if he can’t start, it can’t end. he gnaws at his lip. thumps a hand to his chest, trying to breath right, trying to ground. 

‘i have to go to work’ he mutters. like a prayer. speak it in to happening. taking him away from the now. thump thump thump at his chest. ear ringing. 

eddie’s holding his arms out, giving steve the option. he speaks so calmly, so earnest. ‘you can’t go to work steve. not like this baby.’

steve rounds on him. angry. when did everything get so messed up? if he was just left alone. he should’ve stayed on his own. ‘i cant just call in sick eddie! i’m not sick and and i hate the way they’ll sound when i say it over the phone and knowing what they’ll be thinking about me. they’ll know i hate the job and think i’m lazy and realise how stupid and useless i am and fire me. i can’t afford to get fired eddie. i’d rather just go in.’ he know it comes out garbled, his cheeks on fire. 

‘i’m not letting you go in steve. i’ll sort it. i’ll go pick up robin before and she’ll cover for you, she’ll explain. and she would never. ever think that of you.’ eddie’s voice dropped octave. he speaks clearly and plainly and finally there’s a new plan to follow. a new rule for the day. 

and all steve can do is curl up in a ball and sob. curl up in a ball against eddie chest, in his arms, squeezing his t-shirt between his fingers. clenching his muscles tight, his teeth grinding together. grunting out some of the decade old scream, still stuck there but more visible to him now. 

until finally finally, he relaxes. spent and exhausted. too afraid to open his eyes and face the lamplight, face what could be in eddie’s expression. he drifts..

eventually he gets up, blows his nose and splashed water on his face, turns off all the lights and get back under the warm blanket. fills his lungs. sighs. whispers, ‘m’sorry’ 

‘don’t say that. there’s nothing to apologise for’ eddie’s so close, so warm. 

‘no one’s supposed to ever, see that.. it’s okay if you want to leave’ 

‘steve. why the fuck would i leave you right now?’ 

‘who’d wanna date someone who acts like that? it’s. it’s not good eddie. but, but it’s okay. i’m used to being alo-.’ 

‘please stop stevie. your breaking my heart here. i want to stay, i want to be here with you. i really really like you steve.’ and steve’s cheeks feel wet again. he feels flayed open and young, like a little kid who fell off the swings and everything is different suddenly. 

later later when eddie picks robin up from work she stalks in to where steve’s wrapped up on the couch. curls up into his side and exhales. she bites into his bicep. huffing a sad, annoyed little ‘dingus’ before grabbing his hand and fiddling with his fingers. 

steve feels his eyes prickle again. looking up at the ceiling he croaks out a small ‘sorry.’ for the day. for everything. for anything he can be. and everything he can’t. 

robin kneels on the sofa right next to him. growling a little and placing one of her hands at his sternum and the other at the same height on his back. like she’s forcing herself inside him, holding him together. her hands start to rub up and down quickly, frenzied and grounding for both of them. steve let’s his head hang. eyes closing at the sensation. he grunts. robin grunts back. 

eddie joins. sitting at his other side. slipping a hand in steve’s hair, soothing his scalp with long scratching fingers. and steve humms, sighs, keens. eyes closed he drifts but not away from his body, instead into it. with gratitude, and warmth. at the centre of the two best things that ever happened to him. willing to try again. be just, better. never perfect. 

.𖥔 ݁ ˖

pt 3 snippet

a little happier for u @pearynice <3

ty @spectrum-spectre @vampyreddiemunson @fangirlycupcake @grandwretch for ur tags and additions, it was very inspiring

and tags for lovely @irethsune @willim-billiam-byerson @2jug2head

#hope this is okay #i know the comfort isn't like loads but #unmasking is fucking hard #and hes simply doing his best #autistic steve harrington #steddie #platonic stobin #hotlunch #my fic #steve harrington needs a hug #but he gets one so its okay #feel nervous about posting this but let’s fucking go my dudes #pls let me know if u like it 👉👈

[ban-joey]

actually marking another one on the autism list. why are my favorite stories always the ones about "what is it that makes you a person" and why do i find the most kinship with the characters above which that question looms. anyway

#read that book abt unmasking autism and had a hard time bc in one chapter they were like #autistic people often relate to robot characters #and i said well i dont do that so i must not be autistic #proceeded to forget abt data. bc hes an android not a robot #and does not fit into the literal category the book provided. which. okay. christ #thx scavengers reign for making this clearer to me lmfao #also my literal fucking favorite characters every time in star wars are the fucking droids. what am i even talking about i love robots #nobody got me like robots got me

[vielle-art]

bad days just feel like 15 steps backwards for every step forward. i wish i could make it stop.

#textposting #vent #im just #going thru it #social media is so hard and i am so unhappy when things do worse and worse and im #this is the first time in my life ive been able to say that my work and what i create makes me happy #but if i lose this #if my art doesmt perform well enough #i will lose this happiness #and being entirely honest #i have worked so hard to unmask myself #and idk how the fuck i would reasonably go back to food service or retail #i cannot be that kind of miserable again #idk im just rambling #i am just afraid everything and everyone is going to be taken away #like it always is. #idk idk idk #im so tired of feeling uncertain

[thehallstara]

i gotta say. it is getting so damn hard as a disabled trans+queer jew with a shitty immune system to not feel completely overwhelmed w/ sadness and dread at every moment i'm sure a lot of yall feel the same but like man. idk how any of us are dealing with it at this point

#s.txt #it's just so... it feels like every part of who i am is under attack rn yk? and obv this is not a unique experience by any means #but everywhere i turn there's just such blatent antisemitism and dogwhistles and eugenics wherever i turn and i feel like i'm losing my min #and i'm missing pride again bc i super can't risk covid again and no one fucking gets it besides nat #but like!!! g-d it's so hard!!! #and i've had two different friends reach out to me this week being like i miss you and i'm like!! i miss you too but you don't really mask– #anymore and i don't do unmasked indoor stuff and every outing requires so many checks and balances for me to do and it's just hard #not to mention the guilt i have for like. not being there when things are under attack! it feels like i've abandoned my family #but like. in a lot of ways i've been abandoned first bc things are just not safe for me to participate in yk?? #this is the longest rant i'm so sorry g-d #i'm going through it and i just really need something good to happen for me like PLEASE #i'll take a single thing skjdhks #chronic illness stuff

[jemmo]

seriously… who let tms2 do this? who let them do a s2 break up and actually do it amazingly? bc i was so ready to be mad if this break up was unnecessary drama, but then I thought back to s1 and my feelings when it ended. bc I adore jiwoo and seojun and I adore them together, I think they make so much sense, but that still didn’t stop this niggling feeling telling me it’s not gonna be that easy, that there are some real issues that could be difficult for them to get past, mainly seojuns status as a celebrity meaning it’s difficult for them to be together, both in public and bc of time, he’s gonna be so busy and tired that it’s gonna be hard for them to find time together, and jiwoo being so… well, jiwoo. being closed off and reserved and not sharing how he feels, how difficult that is for him and how difficult that will be for seojun who so wants to be let inside. those are things that weren’t gonna be solved overnight, and so they weren’t. they made a whole s2 about those exact issues, how these aspects of them as people clash and make a relationship hard, no matter how much they may love each other. and I just adore that. bc so many shows that end with the couple getting together, they leave us with this expectation that everything ended happily, they lived happily ever after. they don’t address what happens after you get together, when you have to be two people living together, sharing a life, going through everything life throws at you together. that’s what being together really is and it can be hard and I’m so fucking happy that tms2 is showing that, that happily ever afters take time and work, and they can hurt before they get better, that they aren’t guaranteed but have to be worked for, by both people, and they don’t happen unless those two people really, truly want it.

#to my star #to my star 2 #I’m rambling but god I’m just so enamored with this show #everything about it #I love the vibe and the setting and the story #I love all these new characters and how they play in to jiwoo and seojun #and man I fucking adore any scene between the two #when they get these quiet stolen moments to address what went wrong #when they try to dig to the root of it and get stuck in the process #I love it #I love it so damn much #I love that seojun is out here putting his heart on the line and getting trampled on #I love that jiwoo is so tied up in his own mind that he can hardly even speak #finds it so hard to share to say why he did what he did #why he is what he is #it hurts like hell but it’s incredible #bc being in a relationship is scary #you are seen all the time #you are asked to be yourself unmasked all the time #and that’s a lot #and I see that fear in them #I see this fear to commit #I see this fear to just… be #it’s so amazing I can’t even describe it #but that argument in the restaurant I want to bottle that and cradle it to my chest #bc it hurts so beautifully #and that is how you do a s2 break up

[kienium]

i have such a hard time with tone indicators still because i don't know what the fuck i mean either. how am i supposed to fake it until i make it in these conditions

#kie rambles #brought to you by the two mega autism trucks having sex where my brain should be #rant in tags #also even tho ik what the tone indicators are supposed to mean??? i have no clue how to apply those to a social context #it's like taking a test but the study guide is written entirely in emojis and i dont know what the subject is #“you said the thing you should know how you intended it” well. #when you spend your whole life trying to make your interactions palatable through masking #and suddenly this new tool that's supposed to help you get intentions across appears #i dont know how to use it without unmasking fully and i dont know how to do that yet #TONE INDICATORS ARE GOOD BTW. they help so many ppl and help people feel more free to joke around with each other w/o hurting one another #just saying it's. still hard to change the wiring of “indicate tone for neurotypical people to understand” -- #-- to “don't indicate it at all until the end” #basically i still wanna use them bc theyre helpful to lots of ppl but like when i fuck up constantly pls be patient #feels like masking 2 electric boogaloo #masking as a nt person thats masking as a nd person. maskception. let me out of here oh my god #also im in class rn making this post instead of paying attention so if i repeat myself like 8 times im sowwy

[prettyboythings-blog]

Dam I just realized I don't make eye contact. Thought I did tbh.. But like now I'm hyper aware that I don't and can't.

Plus it's easier for me to read lips to catch what you are saying but still.

Its like wow for me

#is this me unmasking? #lmao i have no clue #have no clue if i mask or if i masked so long its hard to stop #ranting #trans #autism #fuck autism speaks #really autistic #actually autistic #autistic #was #self diagnosed autism #but now i am #diagnosed with autism #and ADD/ADHD #is it ADD #or just ADHD

[slippery-minghus]

thinking about joining a local jiu jitsu class.... i'm SO not athletic and have always had a pretty negative relationship with sports, ambivalent at best, but i WANT TO feel good in my body and maybe even learn how to use it a little better? maybe even get a little stronger?

there's a free "see if it's for you" class i can do tomorrow and the guy was super nice.... so maybe. just maybe an autistic fat queer like myself can go out in the world and get a hobby that involves moving my body. maybe

#i'm excited in the way that comes with things i never follow through on #because fuck what if i don't like it? what if it's hard to integrate into my limited routine even if i do? so i never ever try #but it's a new year and i'm going to be fucking 30 in a month...... and i'm BORED #i'm BORED AS HELL with my life right now!!! #i want to get out and DO THINGS but how the hell do i find things? where do i go? what do i do? #i'm walking distance from this gym (and the bros i've seen leaving are always super nice) #which is a major factor in accessibility for me - i never go to gyms i have to drive to #and it's kinda expensive but.... i can afford it?? #i'd been doing electrolysis for months last year and THAT was definitely more per month than this and i always made ends meet anyway #and i'll have my new HSA for the year that can pay for the first few sessions when i pick back up with it in march #fuck #i'm just so tired of not having enough energy to do the things i want #and there's a good chance making my body stronger will fucking help with that?? #and if these people are even halfway nice enough and i can get in the groove of a routine.... well. maybe i CAN make a change #fucking hell #i need to remind myself a lot that a big part of unmasking and being authentically me is choosing to live and act by my values #and i VALUE being brave and trying new things- not bc i'm forced to. and now that i'm an adult i'll be allowed to quit if i don't like it #my parents aren't forcing me into this. and i'm old enough to make my own choices and stop running from things that remind me of theirs #my strategy has always been Avoid Things My Parents Would've Made Me Do but they're not fucking here?? and trying a physical activity isn't #saying that they were right to push me like that as a kid. i'm old enough to try it on my own terms now. #and that it's a sport doesn't mean its to punish me for having the body and mind that i have. NO it's to grow them. #and i can try and maybe even enjoy and keep with this new thing and not have it become a jail sentence for daring to express interest in it #i can try something else if i don't like it (not a jail sentence) and i can stick with it if i DO like it (also not a jail sentence!!!) #this is not basketball-softball-swimming-gymnastics-band-choir—all of the things i was curious to try as a kid and was forced to keep at #for years as 'punishment' for having expressed curiousity and then finding out it wasn't for me #(and SO much of it wasn't for me bc i was treated exactly the same as i was everywhere else as a kid: shamed and ignored! #NEVER welcomed and taught!!!) well it's DIFFERENT NOW. bc i'm fucking almost 30 DAMMIT #and i'm not in that shithole town anymore where every single person had a chip on their shoulder. like. there's something WRONG in that town #real people are so much nicer. #narrating my life

[masquenoire]

In spite of the crimes he’s committed, Roman is notoriously difficult to convict thanks to his wealth and legal connections. Half of Gotham City’s police officers are in his pocket along with a number of judges and city council members, leaving Arkham Asylum the only institution that can legally hold him until his absolute shark of a lawyer is able to pull enough strings to bust him out. Roman knows full well how deep the roots of corruption in this city grow and exploits them every possible way he can, securing his position as one of the city’s most powerful crime lords despite his relative youth.

#( 💀 ♮ IMMACULATE INTERESTS ♮ | musings ) #( 💀 ♮ UNMASKED MALICE ♮ | headcanons ) #It's very cold tonight and I'm already sleepy #Just reading through Roman's profile on the Arkham Series wiki took it out of me even though it was fun #You can bet your bottom dollar Roman is a fucking slimeball who is hard to nail down #It's a fact he intimidates witnesses of the prosecution to make them recant statements or else go missing #He'll shut them up one way or another if they can't be bribed #Batman is no doubt exasperated #All that trouble to get Roman locked up and he's back out in no time at all thanks to the crappy legal system #Matt Murdock has his work cut out for him #I also found it interesting how young Roman apparently is compared to some of the old names like Falcone and Maroni #I chalk it up to Roman's experience in dealing with two-faced people who are only interested in what benefits them

[thethingything]

I had a really weird dream last night but the only thing that's really stuck with me after waking up was that at some point I uses "lol" in a text and went "y'know, that just feels right somehow" and I'm dying to know what our brain is doing this time

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #stuff like this is weird because I keep just randomly going ''oh wait this way of talking feels better'' #but I feel awkward changing the way I talk #I used to just talk pretty much exactly like Lucy and I don't sound as much like them now but some stuff stuck around #including keysmashes which are fun and useful but they don't actually feel like one of *my* mannerisms #they're something I picked up while masking as Lucy and it always feels a little bit weird when I do them #(which is constantly. whoops) #but if I try to talk in a way that feels more like me then it's like our brain pushes back for some reason #part of it is probably that it's hard to unmask around people outside the system even if they know who's fronting #and part of it is almost certainly stuff we were taught as a kid and have mostly unlearned but it still fucks us up #I also get paranoid about people potentially misinterpreting things or judging me for suddenly sounding different #and part of my brain goes ''if you suddenly talk differently you'll get accused of just roleplaying as your source'' #🦋 also has stuff where he'll use certain mannerisms in our system server #but gets paranoid about being judged for just picking up mannerisms from his source #especially when it's stuff that we only learned more recently and then our brain kinda grabbed onto that #so now it's like. okay here's a mannerism that you have now but you get to feel weird about suddenly having it. enjoy your paranoia

[gynecologistmsfrizzle]

sick and fucking tired of abled people wanting me to hold their hand and reassure them we can still be friends if they don’t wear masks. fuck you. don’t you dare ask me “is it okay if i keep my mask off?” you KNOW the answer is no. you already know i don’t want your fucking covid because you have EYES and I’M WEARING A GODDAMN N95.

people only ever ask that question because they KNOW your response is going to be “oh, um, i don’t care...” bc responding any other way makes you look unhinged and demanding. nobody is ever gonna tell you to put a mask on. do you understand that? nobody is EVER gonna ask you to put a mask on, no matter how high fucking risk they are. “you can’t tell me what to do with my body” NONE OF US EVER WILL.

when you say “stop trying to force me to wear a mask,” what you are actually saying is “stop reminding me that my choice not to wear a mask is selfish and ableist, because that makes me feel bad about myself.”

the first point would be a fair request-- much as i think you should be masked, i sure don’t think anyone should hold you down and force it on you. but nobody is doing that.

the second point is not a fair request. kill us if you want. fine. i can’t stop you. but you will look us in the fucking eye when you pull the trigger.

#my classmate tried to have a conversation with me about why i seemed frostier than usual towards her #and i was like listen. you already know the answer to that question. #(she did know the answer. she brought it up immediately.) #you don't want me to explain how hurtful it is to see you preach anti-oppressive practice with your unmasked mouth. #you already know. #the reason you're bringing this up is because you want me to reassure you that you're the exception. and you're not. #when i talk about how much it hurts to see abled people throwing us by the wayside bc they don't feel like inconveniencing themselves #even slightly #to save our lives? #that's about you too! in fact that's fucking ESPECIALLY about you! #i watched you go out to parties maskless all through covid! i watched you show up to class in flimsy single layer cloth masks #and take them off at the slightest opportunity #and drop them the second the mandate ended! #and now i'm watching you talk about harm reduction and disability rights ?? do you think i have my eyes closed ?? #i am not forcing you to wear a mask. in fact i have told you EXPLICITLY that i will never pressure you to wear a mask. #but i also refuse to lie and tell you it's fine and that your convenience outweighs people's lives. it doesn't. #no matter how hard you try and bait me into saying it. #this is not just about this one person. i'm thinking of her specifically but this is about every so called leftist who threw out their masks #either your progressive politics are a steaming pile of crap or you just don't think disabled people should be part of your visionary future #it's one or the other. PICK. #rhi talks

[pepprs]

my dad might have fucking covid. about to jump off a bridge

#purrs #he was unmasked in my future room with the contractors yesterday and one of them woke up sick this morning and stayed in bed all day and now #my dad is feeling sick and my mom isn’t even better yet and i just saw so many people (WHO ARE VULNERABLE / HAVE VULNERABLE FAMILY MEMBERS) #in the last couple of days and now i might have exposed them. i am about to LOSE my shit. i need all respiratory diseases to die immediately #i am TIRED of living in constant fear. and i am FURIOUS at my dad for not wearing a mask. #like do you people NOT FUCKING GET IT. You may be cavalier. you may say you don’t care if you get it you can fight it off. BUT YOU INTERACT #WITH OTHER PEOPLE. who may not WANT to get sick. Who may not be able to DURVIVE getting sick. WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. if you see #someone wearing a mask they are doing that FOR A REASON!!!! TO PROTECT THEMSELVES!!!!! TO PROTECT THEIR LOVED ONES!!!!! so fucking WEAR ONE #OUT OF COURTESY! USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN! i don’t care if they’re hard to breathe in. I don’t care if they’re uncomfortable. I don’t care if #it’s your own house and you’re not used to it. SUCK IT UP. you can be uncomfortable for five minutes. you KNOW how anxious we all are about #getting covid and you DIRECTLY endanger us and now i might have put other people in danger. and i didn’t even choose it I didn’t do anything #wrong. FUCK COVID. fuck this collective punishment nightmare. I am SO TIRED of living in constant fear because OTHER PEOPLE want to pretend #it’s over. it fucking ISNT. there are things I care about. there are people I care about. and if you were a decent fucking human being you #would understand that and MASK UP. not everyone gets to be so glib about it. it’s hard enough being seen as fucking insane and still taking #damage from having basicaly 0 social life because im too afraid to go anywhere or do anything it’s harder when people around me who i can’t #help but interact with exhibit that they do not actually care about how it is improtant to me that i do not get sick or get my loved ones #sick ESPECIALLY when it is my loved one himself who KNOWS how scared shitless we all are. it fucking hurts so bad. fuck covid. FUCK covid. #delete later #like. despair. i can wear my n95 mask all i want but i am still fucking HELPLESS when people around me don’t. despair. DESPAIR.

[muttfangs]

being on dating apps makes me want to slam my head thru a brick wall hooooly shiiit

#barking into the void #it'd be easier if covid wasnt STILL A THING and everyone is UNMASKED NOW #like I vastly prefer meeting ppl organically but im still pranoid about covid so??? #going to venues / shows is still hard for me bc of fucking. nobody masking #aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #I don't know how to meet people. I dont know how to fucking. date!! because!!! CROWDED VENUES ARE RISKY FOR ME WHEN THEY USED TO NOT BE >:( #also tinder is an accursed shit hole and I hate it

[hostilecityshowdown]

if all you can do with your luchadors is repeatedly unmask them on television, you're already too far gone and need to seriously rethink even agreeing to book these people in the first place.

#[ colour commentary ] #hard break up after being so excited for the stories they used to tell but we're cancelling cable because... we only have it for aew #idk man. at least the whole mysterio unmasking at wcw was intended to further ANYONE'S career and it sort of worked? #in terms of how much... anything Could work at wcw at that time #i really respect lucha libre and an unmasking spot shocks me as much as a serious injury work or a big spot #but. it is a Bad sort of shock. i do not want to see it. i don't care if the lucha brothers consented/scripted it themselves hypotheically #they're my favourite modern tag team and they are luchadores and i am so fucking tired of seeing the AAA belts around ftr's waist #in the same promotion as mexican people and luchadores. idk man! #somehow aew is doing ruthless aggression wwe and attitude era wwf and the death of ecw and Stop He's Already Dead wcw at the same time #long post #[ not wrestling ] #i also think a lot of viewers don't like marina because she's a woman who is a person. not a woman playing the caricature of a woman.

[baladric]

not to be dramatic but i should be paid workers comp for the number of panic attacks this choir job has given me in the last 2 years

#is it so hard to wear a fucking mask #i know it sucks to sing in but for the love of god #dont sit right behind me and sing unmasked while we're still technically under agreement to mask #director doesnt enforce it anymore bc i'm the literal only one of us who still masks voluntarily #which is great #bc he definitely told them that when i missed rehearsal last month #idk im.. tired

[haunted-medievalist]

researching dating advice for autistic people (myself being an autistic person who barely knows how to talk to my actual friends most days, let alone Do A Romance) and all of the advice that comes up actually being advice aimed at neurotypical people on how to date an autistic person is... not helpful, surprisingly!

#rambles #i feel like the stereotype tm but i really really don't understand most social situations #or how to talk to people in a way that isnt mysteriously offputting #idk i suck at masking i never learned the rules #so pair that with the desire to date and explore romance and all of that cool jazz is. uh. pretty fucking hard #so far the one good bit of advice ive seen is to unmask from the outset #cos masking intensely and then letting it down later on might set up false expectations for whoever ur chatting to #been there done that in platonic situations before so it makes sense it transfers to romance too #anyways im having a lot of thoughts tonight #the alternative to the dating rant was the neurospicy rant #because i have decided today that i do not like that word very much #but i dumped it on twitter instead so its okay youre all spared