#vent post ig lmao

[strawberrryangel]

today was a good day! *collapses into bed and sobs uncontrollably*

#had a dentist appointment this morning #then had to go to work #bought myself a few things #got home around 8:20 #had dinner #watched a bit of gilmore girls and supernatural #then had to unpack groceries #and almost had a meltdown #i feel like i’m doing so much around the house #and nobody else is doing anything #and like i was at work all day after my appointment #and it just feels like so much of the organization/cleaning of the house is on me #i’m so fucking exhausted #and i have to work an 8 hour shift tomorrow! #and i couldn’t even actually cry because i always shove it down! so. #anyway #just showered and now am gonna go to bed #it’s almost 11 so not bad i might read a bit of fanfic if i have the brain power #vent post ig lmao

[hedonicghosts]

wow its so hashtag #quirky and hashtag #fun to be an alter in a system i really hashtag #love being one

#plural system #headmate art #plural art #alter art #did system #pluralgang #did art #system art #alter #headmate #blah blah blah whatever its a vent post you get the idea #🔪 #err 🎮 #scritch #obligatory: my breakdown is not indicative of whatever the rest of the system feels im having a bad day blah blah blah llove yourselves ig #oh but if you want this cw'd as anything feel free to send us an ask i just have no idea what i would do rn lmao

[zebratimw]

Spirit animal SQH

#svsss #shang qinghua #but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but #but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee #also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but #I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg #oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left #I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something #or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird #LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm #I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either #I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself #eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it... #I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up #I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa #man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong #cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk #its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment #with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig #and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down #but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀 #irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living... #just the ol regulars yknow? #and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want? #I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what? #whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate? #so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it? #that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications #and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly #man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk

[dontfindmeimscared]

guy im working on a project with: so yeah you'll do the poster and i'll work on these calculations for next week yeah?

sir the poster is due tomorrow what the hell

#shoutout to that one time he said he was too sick to come to a meeting while sitting a table away from me cheers mate lol #lmao he keeps missing meetings and i gotta explain what he did even tho i have no clue #its a draft of the poster but still #feels like im doing this by myself :( #did the work for this week as well but he did that earlier this year so that cancels out i think #bro is so lucky my spine is literally nonexistent istg #not turtles #vent post #<- ig?????????

[roaringheat]

chat, i did it i finally broke up with my partner

#vark posts #did it back on monday #figured id update for those of yall that were so supportive lmao #i read all those messages i got before i did it #im honestly like completely fine #i was pretty fucked the first convo but ig i just needed to process which made the finalizing convo so much easier #was pretty emotionally exhausted for the next like 24hrs after but im just chillin now #yall were right its def a big relief lmao #its just a little awkward now since we live together but at least its not just us two here #i havent been single since dec 2020 since my first 2 relationships were unfortunately back to back lmao #they werent nearly as bad as my first relationship but it was like trying to force together two puzzle pieces that didnt fit #which made a lot of things pretty frustrating #another win for self care #ty again to those of yall that were so nice abt it even if it was just consistently liking the vent posts of me losing my mind lmao :^)

[the-nightmare-theater]

me if i see one (1) more person severely mischaracterize bedman

#this is about the people calling him a misogynist. #im This fucking close to making a post detailing why he isnt one #im so mad like. honestly im a bit embarrassed by how mad i am lmao #like yes!!!!!! hes a bad person!!!!!! hes bad in different ways though #calling him a misogynist genuinely is just flat out misinfo #uggghhhhhh i meant to be asleep by now but ive spent the past 30 mins being mad at people on the internet #over whats probably bait #but UGGGH just the thought of someone believing that makes me just wanna fucking strangle someone #ignore me im just venting my frustration with this whole thing #nightmare ramble #vent #honestly i wouldnt even call him a fundashi i dont have that hc for him but calling him a misogynist is flat out wrong but could actually- #-be mistaken as the truth #by people who dont know the character well #he!!!!!! literally hates everyone besides his sister!!!!!!!!! #he hates women And men!!!!!!!!!!! #and nb people too although we havent seen him interact with a nb person in canon so the jurys still out on that ig #literally fucking says in his character bio that he doesnt care for age or gender #please learn how to fucking read ffs #anyways im gonna try to sleep now thats off my chest #edit: the term wasnt fundashi it was himejoshi #i mixed them up in my defense its 8am

[nyaskitten]

Girl u goin straight to hell 😘 😘 😘 😘 😘 😘

#fuck my geometry teacher i actually hate her so fucking bad holy shit #i think every teacher is pissing me off an eensy bit this term #i hate how there are two history teachers in my class and they grade separately #they ALWAYS leave a fucking 'this is good but you could do this this this this and this as well' I DIDNT FUCKING ASK #IM DOING WHAT THE INSTRUCTIONS SAID LEAVE ME THE FUCKING HELL ALONE DUDE #raine's rambles #vent post #ig #idk #im just really really pissed ive literally been doing everything right and somehow my grades still acting afool so. fuck it i give up lmao

[rouninren]

i feel like my brainworms are legit nerfing me

oversharing ahead but i honestly don't care nor see this as a big deal. what's the point of living if i can't talk about my life

i'm not sure what to do about it... one thing they don't warn about when it comes to recovery, you kind of go "backwards" in your timeline, unfolding deeper and deeper traumas. this leads to addressing needs that for most healthy individuals have been satisfied during appropriate stages of development. and it's kind of hard to navigate through, and the deeper into childhood, the harder. and the dumber some issues are.

like...

i identified one of major sources of my art block through noticing the same pattern while learning japanese. i have an exam next month, and i'm sitting here just clowning around, avoiding touching my workbooks. i don't have any struggles learning it. in fact, i'm catching things quickly and if i practiced, i would have been better. but i just can't make myself study, and the block is so strong, it's paralyzing me the same way my art does.

why learn or do anything, if 1. there are people who are better at it, from those who studied better to native speakers, or in case with art, are more creative and have been going to art school since they fell out of the womb 2. i get nothing from it, no praise, no attention, nothing. no change in attitude towards me (this phrasing suits better, considering what i'm about to say next)

and one can think of bajillion things to debunk these points. like, who the fuck cares, do what you like, engage in things that make you happy, also learning skills or expressing oneself through art doesn't render "nothing" as a result, like, it's obvious how both can be monetized, if we're going for "practical" needs, and how many other opportunities await me that can broaden horizons and enrich my existence.

but... but.

the entity we're trying to tell these things isn't the current, conscious mind of 30 year old me.

it's an ostracized, bullied, weird tween that seems to be doing good at school, where the kid finds escapism from issues at home. the kid is called a goddamn little genius at first, but eventually it all becomes boring or doesn't go in line with school program, it's annoying, the kid is fucking annoying too, can't come up with anything useful or worthy everyone's time. so the kid scribbles random shit to escape or vent about both school and home life. or just embraces art. and hey, looks like these skills are cool and complex enough to catch everyone's attention once again and be the cool artist daughter/cousin/friend/whatever i was called to have, i'm considered talented and useful again. for a while. didn't last long because it's all still essentially useless. aaaaaaaaaaaaaa help

(ok random cringy note but i have been thinking recently how fandom often draws spamton the way i used to dress in my mid teens; the time when every bit of hope or resemblance of peace in my life crashed beyond retrieve. he's my spirit animal now)

like. words and lack of full background (which i won't go into in public obviously sjxjskxsxj) can't really explain why something that doesn't sound like a big deal as i type it left such a huge impact on me. my life at home was like a pure nightmare at some point, and came with serious baggage i still yet to unpack. my life at school sucked a lot, except for two years where i switched schools and it brought some relief, albeit temporarily. there were days where i would spend a whole night up, being on full alert for any random reason, including physically fighting or eavesdropping every noise i can hear behind my door, hoping i won't get stabbed or raped in my sleep. that's why i have issues sleeping these days and wake up from every tiny fucking noise. and after that, i would go to school and say i literally couldn't do my homework and none of these fuckheads cared, they called me useless, lazy, and threatened with consequences. yeah, "being useful" became tied close to "having a right to live" because of all the fucking mess that went on, the puzzle is coming together.

~

as i was reading pete walker's book "complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving", bits about describing traumatized children growing into completely dysfunctional adults, to the point where they're on disability and literally can't function at all, i thought about how i essentially sabotaged myself through thing i described above.

if i didn't deliberately ruin everything, i may have had a network of artists at this point, probably opportunities that i can't even think of, stable income, probably also a stable community, but i just dipped right when i was getting more and more interesting commission requests, getting more known, merch being done with my art, people being interested in my stuff, getting some cool opportunities, some of which were even about to spread outside fandom circles...

that hole of void inside, that feeling of uselessness and not being enough, has been growing (along with other issues i had, but still) until it burst and i was avoiding it all like plague, saying "no" to everyone who came to me until they stopped coming, obsessing over being the lamest artist featured everywhere, being afraid to create because it felt like i'm ruining paper/canvas/digital spaces/etc with my essence, that i'm not allowed to make myself present in anyone's life, unless i earned that right through being "useful", and even then i still experienced paranoia and severe anger issues and so, so, so many other things that led me to be diagnosed with a mood disorder, a personality disorder, and then put on antipsychotics and antidepressants.

...

you know, now that i'm typing this all out, i'm thinking that this made it all even worse. i'm even more scared of approaching these issues, because now they have a "take a pill and shut up" layer to it. "you're born useless and don't have a place among us, sedate yourself so you stop being a nuisance to everyone". "no, the world is completely fine, you're the broken one". "normal people live fine with X and Y, you're just crazy, delusional, sick, yOuR BraIn ChEmIcAlS ArE OfF meNtAL iLLness Is WHen Ur BraIn Is BrokeN1!1 MentAl DisorDers ExisT In VacUuM U jUsT WeRe BorN MenThollY EEL TAKE THIS COCKTAIL OF DANGEROUS DRUGS WITH A BUNCH OF SIDE EFFECTS THAT WILL KILL THE REST OF YOUR MIND!!111"

i have no idea in the fucking slightest what to do. i'm doing much, much better than ever. i could even say, i'm very close to being normal, at least in the way i define it. but everything that has to do with vague definition of occupation, hobby, and collective/community? i'm kinda just brute forcing things as of now, idk.

but i don't think i can push it this way for long, cuz... progress in my skills doesn't heal. using a new language doesn't heal. finishing projects, no matter how fun or cool, doesn't heal. getting praised for these doesn't heal. getting paid for my art (or anything at all in theory) doesn't heal. socializing doesn't heal, i just do it in spite of lil demon behind my shoulder constantly whispering me that i'm everyone's laughing stock/annoyance/whatever and everyone i'm interested in wants me away. having some people prove these delusions to me in the past few years didn't help either.

maybe i'll come to solution later, as i always do, but as of now... i'm stuck and i don't know where to start

#ronin.txt #venting #? i guess #it's more of a processing #and typing things out so i could work on them better ig #long post #lmao #also you know what imma tag this with #anti psychiatry #because why the fuck not

[benetnvsch]

I love it when im looking at my own post on my own Tumblr and it shows me the 'more like this' collection of posts and it shows posts from blogs I've blocked like?? Yes girl that’s exactly what I wonna see :D man this site is insufferable lol

#ig this is kinda like a vent but not really im just being petty :p #man I fucking hate this webbed site #would y'all hate me if I left Tumblr and moved to twitter fr this time LMAO #this also happens to posts by people I've blocked reblogged by others like?? Tumblr STOP I do not want to see that askdjhadkj- #I don't really need to know when my mutuals are doing that come on now :// #also the blacklisting feature?? why do u need to give me the option to see posts just just let me mute things for good <//3 #in some strange way I think twitter functions work better than Tumblr lol #at least my notifications are real there and half my followers aren't bots </3 blocks actually fucking work #so much easier to tell what people believe in/stand for too akjdhjd- #someone liked a tweet of mine and right in their bio they had like all the twt factions they're in and Saw Some Alarming ones and nope righ #to the blocklist- I don't have that type of security on Tumblr ppl actually keep parts of their lives private here wtf /lh /hj #the issue with twitter though is that im afraid to be annoying there cuz I mostly just post art and interact with like the 5 mutuals Im - #not afraid of #also tags on Tumblr my beloved <33 #also no one on twitter knows im a Furry Artist Primarily and atp im too scared to let it be known </3 #im just a silly wolf girl who accidentally grew a following release me from this hell /lh #Maybaps it’s time for me to take a Tumblrer break now that the season is bungover

[steven-cartoons]

my far-right reactionary (evil bigot) abusive father was just diagnosed with high cholesterol and type 2 diabetes after refusing to see a doctor since 2020

#he's transphobic he's racist he's a misogynist he's all of them (((: #i really hope that carnivore diet gives him a heart attack lmao #that's how his abusive fuck father died soooo 👀 #my post #personal #vent post #ig? #im thrilled!! #it's just a bummer that he exists and got my 'infertile' mother pregnant twice somehow #oh man hearing that news made my night for real #my brother and i were on the phone giggling about it LOL #god MIGHT be real. if my dad kicks the bucket in the next year I will genuinely start going to church....

[strangecryptid]

someone tell me why people would rather just not talk to me for the chance i might talk about something i like

#vent post #ig??? not really its funny but tagging vent just in case #but no like fr it feels like no one could give a fuck less about what i life and each time i talk about something i like #ppl either change the subject immediately or just ignore me/go silent lmao #i kinda wanna just like stop talking about things i like would that make me bareable to be around? #ok ig this is a vent idfk i don't actually vent often #anyway back to youtube and popcorn

[chocolatespyro]

I'm wondering how many people actually read or see my posts and rbs because of the wacky barely-functional tumblr dashboard.

Like I'm pretty sure I miss like half of the posts of the people I'm following because of how much of a disaster it is to navigate. Maybe I'm not using the site correctly or I'm using the wrong settings idk

#ask to tag ig? #is this a vent? rant? #schrodingers tumblr post lmao

[kirexa]

It's not hard to do so WHY IS IT SO HARD. My teacher posts filled in copies of the notes online so I just have to copy in down so WHY IS COPYING IT DOWN SO HARD. I fucking hate this. I don't care to do my work because I know I can pass the tests but fuck I don't wanna fail. But GOD it's so hard to force myself to do the work.

#kirexa vents #ig #i fuckjy hate this. its so easy to do i just cant. i could but i can't. please tell me someone knows what i mean #I hate doing things that are too easy because theres NO mental stimulation. if its easy and mind numbing thats fine but this needs me #to actively pay attention to something that is SO boring. #my brain hates it #i hate that i cant do it because i dont wanna fucking fail but i still need to do my work if id ont wanna fail #oh fuck i have 1% posting this before my phone dies lmao

[variksel]

i feel like im talking way too much about my broken leg rn (which Is Broken Bee Tee Dubs xoxo) and its prolly annoying but my friends i cant help it i can almost start walking again and every time i think about it i genuinely kinda feel like crying lmao

#by my calculations im like. 5 weeks post surgery #which would mean next weeks physical therapy might mean letting me walk at least a little bit again #im genuinly a bit weepy about it im so fucking exhausted man! its been since the end of january!! #i have a list of things i wanna do when i can walk again man lmao every time i grab my sticks im like a few more weeks just a bit longer #vent ig sorry! #anyway @ anyone whos ever had a broken bone did yall feel the same??? like legit so anxious to get back to using ur limb??? #i had a broken wrist awhile back too and idk i feel like it wasnt nearly this bad but a broken ankle feels like. thats just My Existance #for the past 2 months #anyway! #vent #positive vent #broken bone #broken ankle #tw broken bones #tw injury

[grotesquism]

how the fuck are yall blending your makeup so good my skin is like sandpaper constantly and yes i do cleanse and moisturize daily :’(

#actually sometimes i take like a 2 day break from moisturizing if it starts making me break out and just put it on my undereye/lid & #forehead and then use differin gel on the breakouts & then switch to a different moisturizer #i have like 4 i rotate between but yea idk ig my skin just hates me #also i use a beauty blender and makeup brushes for my face makeup but i can never get a perfect blend bc it sticks to dry patches or textur #oh & i use the claris instant smooth perfecting touch primer + elf power grip on top #this isn’t just like a vent post btw lmao i’m including all of these details in case anyone has any advice?? ty💝 #*clarins instant^

[edith-is-a-cat]

Fuck.

I wish I could help.

#lmao hey tumblr vent post time #vent mostly in the tags #tw sucidal ideation #sucide attempt #< not from me from a friend #I won't be naming them since y'know privacy and all that jazz #but it's an online I fucking love them so much #and I don't know how to help #i don't know them as well as i did my previous best friend since we aren't really close #i and others have been trying to get them to stop trying as they document it in vent #ive been doing my best but i don't know what else to say since im just an online friend no one to really be attached to #online acquaintance would be a better term for me ig.. idk #I think the other have been/are suicidal so they are much better than me for helping #and im just some guy who can't relate so i don't know how to help.. #im so upset that i can't bc what if they do i can't stop them #reason number 9 to be able teleport to prevent a suicide and be a better support system #im too silly to be of good use litterally told them if they do and when i die in my 40s ill lecture them like a mom #wish i could lecture them like a mom rn #im going to cry in the attic or something i feel like my brain is pre grieving or something #no im not putting my organizing tag on this feels too ..wrong