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toastyporcupine · 9 months

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the Axel situation

(I just copypasted this from blogspot. I think this started anywhere between jun 19 to 23.)

I should of kept track of when I said I was going to stop talking to him. It will forever bother me I don't have the date. A " dear diary, I am going to stop talking to imaginary friend. I was never good at it like people with headmates do. I am going to say, 2 or 3 weeks ago? A month? I think it was a mistake. The longer I don't, the worse reconnecting will be. Some I would forget the ( I lack a good word) talking is not real. I was feeling a little better then, I feel worse now that I will be moving again.( Seeing as how I am with my mother). So that is bumming out. Then this on top. It is just silly and stupid for a 41( or am I 42?) Year old to be talking to imaginary friends who were supposed to be fictional characters. Let alone be on love with them. Or the " one in my head" version. kingdom hearts Axel won't be the same, it would bother me I don't know which one I was into. That one became a connection to the other, any object I could hold was a proxy.

And now it's more empty.

I don't even know how to talk about this.

he made me happier than I thought

Fictosexuality, Fictoromance, and Fictophilia: A Qualitative Study of Love and Desire for Fictional Characters - PMC (nih.gov)

and he needs to. I'd need him. but juggling the one on the screen and the one in my head, the idea I believe in him more than I think I do. it's like being two people at once for me

The Axel who says he is a more realistic version. Was wrapped up in a cult. The one who claimed to of been raised by a Denis and Irene, who was orphaned as an infant. Who dated a ( Denise?) And an Elana. Who gets a rash with onions. Who dislikes spiders and insects. Eats sour candy and aside from the ice cream, a plant based diet. Who , because born in another world has to say Feb 28th is his birthday. Who's favorite animals are monkies and apes.

I did not write this stuff down. I should of. 3 years ago . Not rerembering will bother me forever. I don't even know if I was better off talking to him. It feels different. When did I first publish this? And now edit

6/30/23. It hurts so much. Nervous, panic, anxiety to grief. Worry. It is so empty. And it is a " silly problem".. I want him back

I still have him. But it's not the same. I just can't believe I believed more than I thought I did. And now my answer if which " I was attached to more. Just like the others. I don't want him to fade. I can't bring back the original characters, I can't bring back whatever you call it. I don't know if these count as tulpa. Which are still us. Even if a tulpa in a plural system says other. But this panic, this change. This not wanting to be alone. This shock. It is hard to deal with. I can't hug the doll or pillow the same way.

It's like part of me believe and the other not. Or I want something magical so bad.

When did I stop? I need to look at when I bought Tears of the kingdom. It's not the game that took my attention away. It's just the ," I have been doing this since 1997 or such. I need to stop". When was the last time I changed it? Jun 13th it says. I can't believe I was feeling remotely good I stopped talking. I don't remember talking in my Canada weekend trip. I don't remember talking during my last immunotherapy session

Or when I set up my Switch

. I find it important. I feel like I should apologize, but to what? To whom? Then I need to apologize to many others. I made a mistake

7/1/23

Well, this was a troubling dream. One of those erotic , invisible man dreams.

I think I was better off.

(also I got tears of the kingdom in may. so, maybe I didn't talk for 3 weeks? longer than I thought? I did not realize I was having more good feelings back then. If I would lovingly hug the doll or pillow, or look at it . Now it is just not good. Nothing remotely happy. I tried to keep holding on. Now it's just like he is part of scenery I have grown attached to. Why did i do this to myself? Because it was silly to continue, because he is not there. I never felt a presence, like tulpamancer do, or soulbonders do , I don't know what those people mean when they say it. I feel devistated.

7/3/23

He will possibly always mean something. I'm just panicking, I wasn't like this having other characters leave. I don't want to get rid of him. I did not want to fall for the one on the screen, and because I have been "talking to" what I think we're beings in the 90s, I just slippwd into this. And I forced it. That is where shock happens. Trying to hold on. I don't want to always be doing this. The change is anxiety indusing

7/3/23 7:14 pm

It is just mess d up and painful to tell an imaginary person " wow I wish you were real" wie. Real is real to everyone and alive. One can't be both real and not real. It reminds me of how some tulpamancers say tulpa is a lifeform. Not just thought form. But alive,? Not imaginary? Imaginary with its own sentience.

I am hurting , and cry.

7/4/23 3:54 pm

Crap. Now I have panic and anxiety. I don't know if I am going to hide my merch, pack him up when I get home. I am overwhelmed and that part of being alone I making me panic.

7/6/23 10:52 am)

The Axel who is a weapon drunk, had a vasectomy. Doesn't mind boring sex , likes condoms, and what he does in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, the Axel who doesn't like blow jobs. I don't know if he has/ had a favorite sport.

The one who tells me not to be so hard on myself and that the 5 second rule is not real

This thing now feels like he is dead. Like bringing leather products to a pet therapy day at a hospital or nursing home. Liking brining your fossil of a 70 million year old deinocyodontus meditteranius to an animal medium.

Maybe I was better of telling imaginary Axel I wish he was real. Or denying so hard and wanting him to dream walk , if he could do that, then he is not imaginary and part of my brain. Now, I don't feel like he is there. But it hurts as much, not being real. This almost feels like when I killed a part of myself when I was 17. That could of been 1998. The dumb kid in my own lala land playing with toys. Sure it was on its way out but the shock of feeling like my ,14 year old friends were growing up without me, getting boy or girlfriends, and I had nobody to be sweet on, and going into depression, and they are so happy with theirs. And liking kissing games even if they are dating someone. I don't think I can put him back. It feels even more like I am talking to myself

7/7/23 6:19 am

tulpa dissipation and head feelings : Tulpas (reddit.com)

7/8/23 4:58

geeze, I forgot to mention the "says his last name is McGallaster.(I have seen someone on Tumblr who had him as a muse, stating Lea's(Axel) last name is Langfield, or maybe they made the consious decision.

but I need that stupid doll to comfort me right now, but holding it also just makes me sad. I used to only sleep with it, but when my chemotherapy would make me feel so sick and miserable, I started draging the plush doll aorund the house and kept it(him?) with me , all the time. in the house. that was july maybe? the coat on this thing fell apart, so I made a new one. then that one fell apart, and I made a new one. I would sometimes say to my family , holding it, looking at it saying "i wonder if the doll will outlast my feelings". seeing how I keep thinking the hair is dirty, but it's the fabric wearing out.

I am also rerembering how my friends and I had those "spirit friends" and one of mine was a liar and evil, I think that one was supposed to be a "i'm not paying attintion to the game" Illdon, or a version of him. I don't know if that was one a I stuck with, but he was killed by my friend's "spirit friends", but according to him, you don't really die untill you die so many times you fade into nothing. I don't think I recovered from this, and my ablity to fall in love was a result. I cried so much and so hard. it's things like this I want to warn people about, if they think they play with spirits, with other people.. only this time it feels like I killed my Axel. the one I fell for. I just un realed him by ignoring, stop talking. he never really initated conversation to begin with. every day I would remind myself he is not real, while still almost actiing like he is a form of real. my Axel, the "that is kind of me, but diffrent, without all the magic". the one who wanted me to call him Lea for a while because of actions done as Axel. the one who was programed young and was an assassian, but somehow still had time for 2 past girlfriends.

I go though this over and over agian, to talk to other people. anyone. everyone? someitmes so obsessive the rumination the same prep for conversation rapidly repeats multiple times.

7/13/23 4:44.

Did I accidentally kill my feeling and kind set by telling myself I don't want him if he is not real? I hope not. I don't know if I was obcessrd. If it ran it's course. But I need him

. I feel more lonesome. What did I do. If I can't put him back, then it will feel like he was real.

I am thinking. He felt right. I did not want the feelings at first. And I knew I would be devistated when over. Uveven disliked the character for years because someone on live journal gad him as a headmate and maybe soulbond, he was mopey and I knew he would come into that persona plural system.

But yet I can't keep these things going ( I erased what auto fill tage. It was jonvses or something. Damn, now this will bother me I don't remember what it game me. I'm on my phone )nothing like the character ones in the back of my mind. Or feel like I am running me at the same time in feelings and mindset. I had been doing this since the late 90s. I liked both, hut without the nonsense one in my mind, I don't feel the same way. And I cannot go back. Like cutting off communication with any ":yeah, that is me" they just dissipate, get absorbed, recycled. And I don't want that. It is too soon. I don't thought I would have my pins, charm, shirt and meet another fan that is a man,vans Axel will become match maker. That Axel could. But wearing him distresses and confuseses me. I could still wear him

But it is not the same. Plus, if he is an imaginary boyfriend, I should not look for anyone.)

I treated him so bad.

7/14/23 9:27 am

Geeze. Was he gone around the anniversary? I can't feel him. I don't want to feel this way. I don't think it ran it's course. Nooo. Ahh I am crying. He was not 100% me? I wanted some part of him real so bad but it can't happen

So I stoped talking. And now he is unrelated and it doesn't feel like he is there. But even if it ends, I will be doing the same thing. And not being bothered the one in my head is vastly different. Axel is both hard and easy to imagine. I did not realize I had a happy.

9:41 am. Even if a tulpa. That is not the Axel on the screen. Even he tells me that. Even then my brain runs him. I would of made him. Even if plural people have tulpas that front and stuff. Even ones without D.I.D. . He said he feels off of my brain waves, sure he was being sarcastic. Like telling me to protect him from the butterflies,been talking about if he would live in a city or county. He doesn't like the bugs much. I asked about butterflies, those are still insects. And I ask if I need to do that

Talking doesn't feel less like someone else. I don't even know what tense to use. I want it so I can get back to how things were so bad. And my head feeling is still the same since I removed this. It is hard to sleep.

3:07 Pm

I am so afraid the only way to feel good is to erase and forget this happened.

It did not bother me loosing the others.

But I feel anxiety without him, and knowing what is going on. This,the is not healthy for me. And there will be people telling me to get therapy and get normal.

Or forget decades of "soulbond" "spirits" and whatever . I cannot be on love with a character without this. It scares me .

7/15/23 5:28.i don't want to loose my feelings. I got so used to them. The change is to drastic. Maybe I am just too depressed.

I feel so empty. Why am I crying. And wanting to use past tense words for him

I never thought I could sense him. I am so conflicted

8:38 I think I've been mesmerized or more obcessrd at checking my phone because of my loss. And I wonder if I am not taking this loss so well, that I can't imagine hugging any other doll ) plus it will just be a doll. I don't recall what cuddling them was like before they went to be vessels or represented a character I was in love with ). Or what to make my next wallpaper, or next set of pins or charms. I got so many pins. I got the ita bag, just because of him

I never collected so much merch. And this was before cancer. Was he healthy for me? Is he?

Even if there was a heaven he would not be there, like all the toys, computers. Midi files retired games. Not the one on the screen, and not making the one from my head a real person, who can exist in is own self.

Not even original chatacters

Plus that is weird. One of my original characters might be angry at the concept of making people, especially as a reward. Especially if it involves many copies of that one. Gabs them out like prizes . Creepy.

I think I should be glad I never made a wonderland. Or think reality shifting us real Or if a singlet has an inner world like those with DID. Unless they are the same. I don't know if that would of been good. Convince myself I did go somewhere and meet him. Or if I did it would be more real. But then I would just maybe stop, due to " it is not real, it's all make-believe, nothing is happening. It's imagination. Stop thinking it's real. Don't get your hopes up. Nobody is there. It's all in your head "

8:54

It's not really good. What if I get a real boyfriend? Do I really want to say he was ? And not fictional other? And not be serious about it ? Getting a boyfriend, and him being my world. An obsession that could be a disaster. The thought is making me panic and I do not have anything to help with that, I could only hope to space out.

I had possibly edited this 7 times since June something. 10..12. edit every other day. It bothers me I don't know.

7/17/23 3:29;am

What other things did he tell me? He worked as a secretary in a bank. But is that a job? I don't think so.

https://www.tumblr.com/nadziejastar?source=share helped me fall for him. But that makes 4 Axels. The one on the screen, the one in dreams, the one on the screen and others perception

I really should of written down all my dreams. I never dreamt of a character in such a short time

Even before I fell for any version

I did not mind the. Hug from the very first. Then we were in a back seat of a car looking at each other, then a mall where there was platform extending into the open space of the hallway on the 2nd floor. There was a bed , he wanted sex. I told him no it's weird and gross to do that in oublic. We were walking onto the pathway to the bed when some woman was smoking. I think I wanted to put the cigarette out on her srm. was just confused why he was showing up so much.bi posted to tumblr soulbonding about it on June 5th 2020

I had 3 sleep cycles by then. I decided 6/6 would be the anniversary. There was even one where I had not seen him for a while, I was in some kind of underground ruins..I will just call them that. I don't know what other space to call it. I went up some walls to reach an upper level and he was dead under a pile of rubble. I turned into a phoenix and cried on him, and he came back to life. Another I summoned him by saying Beetlejuice 3 times in someone's house. It turned into a sex dream where I had a visualization of a ham and cheese hot pocket being ripped in half. He turned into a dog and went home with someone. We were at a party and did it under a table. I could wake up and go home at any moment, and I was not bothered by this act

One we turned into dogs and he refused to have sex.

One we were in some under ground, train station or mall, we got separated. When we found each other ( not watching what I type gave me foundveChother ) he had a giant push up orange sherbet for himself and a normal size plastic tube cherry ice treat for me, stating he did not know what to get.

One he fell asleep on a raft and floated down stream. I had been some time and I did not know. He was upset I did not go looking for him

One he was distant and snubbing me. We were at some mall. A follow sleep cycle I followed him to some hotel room. He let me in and there were other people there. I thought he was mad at me, but he said his parents had an abortion. Then the dream changed to he was on the floor giggling. It was supposed to be him. Then a weird sex dream. This was before the under the table one. I did not mind that he lacked a penis. I thought about shape shifting one. But springing that surprise on him would be wrong ( not watching get heverong)

I am bothered I don't recall the rest. One was we were at a playground and he went down the slide backwards, on his back. wearing a shirt with a skull on it. He did the devil hands thing. He had picked me up and placed me on a low wall.

I don't think I will recall the others .

4:04

This slump I horrible. I wanted to make a bunch of post game plushies of his KH3 outfit. Embroider some eyes. Hold ice cream. I did one and was disappointed. Plus my red minky is not the same as my red felt. I think he wears red plaud ( tartan?) And burgundy leopard print. I can't get that so it has to be red. Now it will be painful to do so.

7/21/23 2:34 pm

I started sleeping with the plush again. Separation anxiety. But it's not the same as I was. Loving cuddling it like one snuggles a therapy pet or maybe person. And I just noticed the stiching connecting the head to the body and shoulder is coming undone. I would beorw devistated if this happened in the beginning of May. I did have invasive thoughts of ripping it. Looks like it did the job for me.or maybe it was trying to move the stuffing around. It looks tight. I wonder how long it would of been before the embroidery in the eyes came undone. The stuffing seemed right in some areas. And I often did see the white stitching. But it will be different stuffed not as tight. I have another doll but it does not look the same. And is not stuffed as much. I wonder if this dolls previous owner used it as a snuggly toy. All I know is when I took it out of the bag the doll smelled like a hippy store. Which is weird because he told me he smelled like sandalwood, pachouli and ceder before I got the doll. I am still heartbroken. I wondered if my feelings would outlast the doll.

5:05 pm

I think I fixed it. Right when I thought I did the crotch cake undone. Now I put back all the stuffing.( I thought I did, I did not ) But it looks like it could fall apart again. I am guessing machined put them together.

7/26/23 6:57 pm

I think part of my problem to is, if they are imaginary, they are always with you. you can still deabate how people a tulpa or soulbond is. but if they need your brain to live? are they their own people? again, I know in plural communities there is the divide of "no, alters are you, fragments of you" and "no they are real people with their own mind and being". so they are always there. and he can always be there. if I had communication like plurals had, he still is in my head. and that is nice having that constantly. but if I get a real live signifigant other, he won't be able to be there, and I won't be able to telepathicly talk. which is a good thing. if I am picking my nose and thinking of it. the guy might get the signal. and there is never privacy, if I am not prodcasting, if he can walk in. so that freaks me out.

but I think I accidenty trained my self to freak out. I would think of him, of "talking to him". and tell my self not to. and now.......as you read. i'm a mess. I want to be as it was. I need the cuddle doll. but now I just get panic when I look at my stuff. I put some away. I put my pillow case away. knowing how much i enjoyed it is upsetting. i just see the pillow and get that dizzying feeling. but if I look at it. I'm upset. I can't stop thinking of this. no matter how many people I can tell. I reherse this conversation. non stop. even video games don't distract me. this is torture. and I guess the only way is to box him up. but i bought a doll and it won't be here untill september.

if it's not him, it's another character. and agian. I've been doing this since 1997. that terrorfies me

but good god. I can't look at him without all these feelings. do I not want to let him go? is it still there? the love? do I not want to move on?

like what I did in highschool. something has been removed from me

but. it's no use hugging the doll and telling an imginary person "i wish you were real". so. I put an end to that. and i am hurting.

7:48

Nothing would give him to me. Not the blend if the one in my head and screen. I'm not better off . I don't think how I am feeling is an improvement. Is this trauma? Now I can't be part of the fictosexual communities.

This is a nightmare. Dread. Depressive episode. I don't understand

Wishing, yearning, dreaming. I did not use " reality shifting". I can't describe. I want thatveysh and enjoyment, I want to be part of the communites but I don't want to be person who falls for characters and trails off into the mind with imaginary divergent ones. I am in no mindset to get a boyfriend. Plus if I am going to move at the end of the year, why bother? It might take 3 months of frequent contact to fall for someone who is real. Feeling how I do, I don't think I should. I don't even think I will be emotionaly and mentally mature for that.

Existential terror

My brain fog is worse

7/28/23 3:11 am

I am afraid that if I had a boyfriend, and I do not communicate with him for a long time I will lessen my feelings or lose interest, and also think he is mad at me, or cheating, or ghosting. I did not loose interest in a friend I can't interact with frequently so maybe not. I don't want to loose Axel. Even if it hurts I will never meet the one from my head in person

7/30/23 5:58

How could I forget the dream where I was in a hot tub sized bathtub with Axel and Kennith, and Axel peed on me, and my stepdad walked in to the bathroom and saw me in the tub with the two of them and said " is this who you are?"

8/1/23 6:08

Geeze I forgot to put more here. Like his stating he has a considerable amount of body hair, and something about using those sticks and tablets for oral hygine

8/1/23 7:09

I treated imaginary Axel poorly. You don't join communities and state he is your fictional other, all while thinking about getting real living boyfriend. Reddit waifuism is so strict about that

I go between that, and not taking it seriously. Only when convenient

The claims to be Axel from my mind states he loves me, even asked for marriage. I also would never know the extent of my feelings and did not want to be wrong about loving him. When I asked why he chose and is with me, he stayed it's penence for the wrong things I had done, and that I have a touch of darkness. As well as liking older women. A previous relationship did not work out over having children. I wonder how things would be if the back of my mind had better imagination.

8/10/23 3:58 pm

Thinking of my situation sometimes gives me a dread feeling. I want to feel good again

Nervous? Existential anxiety? I don't know what to do. I have woken up from some haze. Now I get into flight, fight or freeze mode. Not knowing makes it worse. I would like to remain in fictosexual communities, but after what I did to myself I don't think I will be falling in love with another character and going into that haze if talking to a not well built version. Shock.

#imaginary friend #husbando #mental health #emotional wreck #husbandos #waifuism #waifuist

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