Her. An Essay.
The spring air lies heavy in your lungs as you breathe in deeply, the bright smells assault your nose and waves of nostalgia roll off the hills. You know this is her favorite season so you’ve dressed prepared for the chill in the air.
It's a long walk to the meadow with a shovel in hand and wheelbarrow pushed in front of you, but you do it. When you get there, a girl smiles up at you from where she is playing in the grass.
You know her age, but do not say it. You know her name, but do not say it. You know her, but do not say it.
She says hello in that sweet mellow tone that sounds so foreign yet so similar and tastes like syrup on your tongue. Her eyes are wide and shining, but blissfully not tear stained- like your own- and her cheeks are round with a warm flush as her smile softens.
You do not meet her eyes, those same beautifully colored eyes that match yours, searching for a hint as to what you’re doing here. You gaze across the meadow instead but still catch a glimpse of her blue denim overalls and green shirt.
They match your own in a way.
You finally say hi back and take the shovel to the dirt under a beautifully perfect sycamore tree that arches into the sky; it rises before the two of you, right in the middle of the meadow. The dirt stains your clothes as you drop to your knees, using your hands more than the shovel to dig at the layered earth.
You hear soft footsteps behind you but don’t look up from your work. To your side you see the girl walk up to you again and she places a small flower behind your ear before grinning and moving to lay in the sun near you.
You pluck the flower out from behind your ear to examine it. A white petunia. A wistful familiarity to the flower washes over you and you tuck it back behind your ear before moving back to the freshly unearthed dirt.
You can feel her watching as you dig this pit, you hate the feeling of dirt under your fingernails. The mud cakes on your hands and crackles with every movement; it makes your skin crawl but you don’t give up now. After a small hole is dug, you grab the large stone and tools brought in the wheelbarrow and begin to carve. She sits next to you now, her smaller hands grip a rock in her own palms and she plays with it gently.
You carve a name you didn’t think you’d ever write again into the rock and place it at the top of the pit. She recognizes the name, tips her head smiling gently, and in an understanding manner she stands up.
And walks away. Around the back of the sycamore tree she disappears and then reappears.
She plucks a sycamore leaf off the ground when she´s visible again and looks up as you smile at her. She drops the leaf into the hole you've dug, then helps you repack the layers of sediment that you both know you’ll unearth again, in the future, to be intertwined together in the end.
But not now. Now, the earth is resealed and she smiles sweetly, laying a makeshift bouquet of petunias and poppies with a gentle hand.
You get up and hold a hand out for her, she doesn't look away from the earth you've both just moved and instead runs her hands over the top of the rocks again before sighing with a big smile. She gets up and grabs your hand, it's so much smaller and softer than yours yet you can still feel the dirt on both of your hands.
She grips your hand a little tighter, following your lead as you walk towards home, flower still tucked behind your ear you notice a matching flower behind her own. And you smile.
When you get closer to the house, her eyes are wide with soft recognition, a place so familiar to the both of you yet it feels cold and empty at the same time. You invite her inside again, it's been so long for you both, still the house is like an old friend, in a way. You hold open the door and she steps through.
She walks over to the dinner table and sits down at the far side, gesturing for you to sit on the other but you shake your head politely.
You aren't ready yet.
You ask if she’d like a drink, and she nods. You already know what she would like so you don’t have to wait for her to tell you. Passing over the tall glass with ice clinking in it feels like a ritual. You don't want to let go. You do. You sit down across from her.
You know what's coming next and it's hard. You know you have to accept it. Losing her again won't be easy but you know it's not permanent this time.
She takes small sips of her drink, smiling over to you but neither of you attempt to make small talk anymore, you both know how the interaction will end.
And it's not bittersweet. Neither of you are upset. She is content in a way you don’t think you quite understand yet. But you think you feel complete, whole and peaceful for possibly the first time in your life.
It's enjoyable to watch her glowing eyes look at you with respect and admiration, to be able to grow into what you did makes her heart beat with something adjacent to love.
And as you leave the house, knowing you will be reunited in the end, to be buried in love & hate, happiness & anger, and warmth & heartache. You know it's love. It's always been love.
For her.
-Her. An Essay. (By me)
Happy trans visibility day. This is an ode to the girl I was. We will be buried together in the end. I love you, take care.
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There’s something so…gorgeous about how the story of Vermax laying dragon eggs in the crypts of Winterfell works as piece of symbolism. It doesn’t really matter if physical dragon eggs exist down there imo because this story adds so much meaning to Jon’s status as a hidden dragon and also his status as one of the last remaining scions of House Targaryen. Plus it does a lot to contextualize how Ned’s action of saving his nephew’s life is in line with centuries old magic, even though he never intended it to be such.
Because Jace and Cregan quite famously made a pact which was called the “Pact of Ice and Fire”, in which they promised to join their houses through the union of marriage. We also have the canonical representation of Starks as 🧊 and Targaryens as 🔥. Two opposing sides that could do harm to each other have decided to come together through marriage and procreation. Through this pact comes a new life that will be a balanced union of ice and fire.
Then we get the story of Vermax laying eggs in the Winterfell crypts. An act that symbolizes the continuation of life. It’s so interesting because we know how this story ends. We know that after this, the dragons will die and will be no more in Westeros….BUT there’s the exception of the eggs in Winterfell. They may be unhatched but they are like a promise of life. And it’s Winterfell’s crypts that keep them hidden from danger and Winterfell’s heated walls that cover them.
What’s even more gorgeous is that this pact is made in a period of civil war that threatened the survival of the Targaryen dynasty. And like… isn’t that Jon Snow’s life story?! He was born at the tail of of Robert’s rebellion which saw the death of the Targaryens. Aerys and Rhaegar (and Rhaegar’s children were dead). A child Viserys, Rhaella, and an unborn Dany were all that was left of the Targaryen legacy.
And then comes the unexpected Jon Snow. Born of the union of Stark and Targaryen, ice and fire. Ice and fire were on opposing sides in the war and killed each other. But then comes Jon Snow to mend that rift and heal that divide. He is born after a period of death to represent new life and new beginnings. He’s just a little baby but he symbolizes so much!
It’s why I think Jon serves better as a symbol of spring and not winter. Because everything about him represents the promise of life after death: born at the end of a civil war, him being represented by a winter rose, him being symbolized as the corn king (a mythical figure who represented the cycle of life and death), his presumed death at the end of ADWD but the promise that he will be resurrected, etc.
And then we have Ned Stark being the unwitting proxy to his ancestor Cregan. Ned took this dragon egg and hid him away within Winterfell’s walls. Then he took Jon’s mother and also placed her in the crypts. It’s no wonder that Jon has so many strange dreams regarding the crypts. Symbolically, the secret of his birth being hidden away in the crypts ties in quite nicely with Vermax’s hidden dragon eggs. In both cases, a symbol of Targaryen life is hidden within the walls of the Winterfell crypts.
Then there’s Summer’s strange vision of a winged serpent as Winterfell burned. Many fans has often wondered what this vision meant. I’m not sure either, but it would be a nice touch if this is a symbolic representation of Jon Snow. As it was with Summer’s vision, Jon is the dragon that has hatched and left the confines of Winterfell’s walls, and he is ready to do some damage.
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You sent me an ask so I shall return the favor! What is the most recent Kpop group you’ve gotten into and how did you find out about them? I always love hearing fan “origin stories” lol
Thank you for returning the favor~ That would be The Boyz 🥰💖 I love hearing fan "origin stories" too hehe (This is gonna get long I love them sm)
Anyways I've known about them since debut? I loved Bloom Bloom Pow with my whole heart when it came out and tried to fall for them then- It didn't work. The next time was when The Stealer (TS) came out~ I had watched them perform for Road to Kingdom- because ptg was on the show too- But I really loved TS cb- sm so that I bought the album about 6 mos later with my favorite members as inclusions at the time (Eric, Kevin and Hyunjae). But nothing came about of it even after watching the weekly idol episodes... Then came Whisper era and I ended up biasing Changmin (Q) and loving that song but again nothing came out of it.
(A little backstory is that Changkyun (I.M) got me into Dominic Fike's music-) Thus, when tiktok showed me Juyeon, Changmin, and Sunwoo dancing to Babydoll earlier this year as a dance cover: I fell. And then I finally checked out Watch It~ But Hui had his solo and it distracted me completely from falling further. Then I had gotten sick and decided 'well, what if I watch their content?' And I did... I watched their hello82 interview and their reaction to fanart of them, and lastly their mafia dance. And I loved each sm that I decided to check out more.
It was the first time I had watched their content and wanted to see more. And now, I watch their content almost daily. It's kind of like they revived the joy of kpop for me? My (old) ult of ults has been on hiatus due to the military so it's been stagnant content lately for me. But then they came in like a breath of fresh air- and I simply can't get enough. This month will be 3 mos and I honestly hope I'll follow them for a long time. (I think they're my new ult of ults tbh)
And lastly now here I am as a Younghoon and Juyeon bias (with bias wrecker: Changmin... he's doing everything to be bias again). And with them having a comeback I loved with my whole heart this past month, I think it really solidified them with me. Honestly, I'm so happy with them.
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Fandom things I'm looking forward to:
Kingdom Hearts IV and Missing Link
Final Fantasy VII Rebirth
Final Fantasy IX Remake
Final Fantasy Tactics Remaster or Remake (whichever it is. I've heard both things)
The fourth Madoka Magica movie, whenever that comes out (seriously. Where is it? First it was announced as the Concept movie. Then it was re-announced years later with a new name, and it's still missing)
The Percy Jackson TV show
The Infernal Devices TV show
Maybe the Twilight TV show. Maybe.
The animated Smallville continuation that Tom Welling and Michael Rosenbaum are working on, whenever it comes out
I was going to put Baron and Toluca on this list (that's, like, a spiritual successor to the OG "Roswell" TV show. Majandra Delfino who played Maria in the show wrote the script, and she and Brendan Fehr who played Michael star in it. They're also planning for more Roswell cameos in later episodes), but it came out and I didn't even know it? But I have no idea how to watch it, though, as I guess it only came out in theaters in Albuquerque. Here's hoping it comes out on DVD or something...
The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes
The alleged Firefly reboot
The new Daredevil show
The Batman Part II
The next part in Tom Holland's Spider-Man movies
The DCU, starting with Superman Legacy in 2025
The Five Nights at Freddy's movie and Help Wanted 2
The Iron Lung movie
The TV show that it sounds like Markiplier will be working on after he's done with the Iron Lung movie
The next Bendy and the Ink Machine thing being worked on
MAYBE the Hello Neighbor sequel. I know. I KNOW! (It's really only because the second game had to end on a cliffhanger.)
Five Nights at Candy's 4
Frozen III
Disney's "Wish"
The next and final season of the Clear Card arc of Cardcaptor Sakura
The new Avatar series (the one about the third Avatar in the cycle: the Earth bender)
The live-action Avatar: The Last Airbender series, perhaps
The Chosen season 4
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