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cynettic · 3 years

Note

hi, i hope i'm not bothering you, but i can order a Scaramouche × Kitsune reader, the two met before the vision hunt (and before he was a fatui if you want) the reader was always in the same place, sometimes having a conversation , the good old routine, but with the hunting of visions the reader disappeared not wanting to give up his own vision, and years later a reunion, SFW or NSFW is by your will, thank you, I really admire your work

Summary - Scaramouche met you as a child, growing up with the constant assurance that you would be right there, sitting at your spot where he could meet you with every visit. He isn't happy when you suddenly disappear.

Pairing - Kitsune!Reader x Yan!Scaramouche

Warning - Slight Yandere warnings?

Penpal - Ahhh- hope this is what you were looking for. I couldn't find a spot to put much nsfw unless I considered writing more for the series ( I could, just put a request in if thats what you’re looking for ). But I hope you liked it!! You're not bothering me at all and I'm glad you like my work!

A/N - Alright- so considering that with the 2.1 update with Scaramouche coming in, I just wanna state beforehand that I wrote this prior so I dont know if we learn about his backstory or anything!!

Link for Part 2

Stay With Me

Scaramouche was used to the routine he’d found himself going along with every visit to Inazuma. As a child he’d pass through the wild fields that stretched just beside his hometown, adventurous and curious with all the tenacity of a child.

And of course you, a kitsune that sat perched on the ground awaiting the Kitsune Saiguu, was bound to notice him. Unlike the other earth kitsune statues, you hadnt turned to stone during your wait. Instead, staying in the same place did you interact with travellers and the locals, which included Scaramouche.

“Fox person!” The little boy chanted, pulling at the hems of your clothing. Bright blue eyes bore into your own, and you slowly shifted your head to pay attention to the boy who was on the verge of bouncing on you.

Humming in reply to his excitement, the little boy paused, both of his small hands still tightly clasping the fabric of your clothes. Soft matted hair brushed past his face in a messy manner, calling out the boy for his boundless running and rebellious urge to keep his hair messy despite his parents wishes.

“Play with me!”

Staring at the boy only a moment longer, you simply chuckled at his antics. “I’m afraid I cannot move from the spot in which I dwell~ Perhaps I’ll be able to entertain you if you bring cards?”

But the young boy had made up his mind at the statement to which you couldn't move. A pitiful frown enfluged his face as he cast you the nastiest glare a five year old could muster. “Boring!” He shouted into the distance of the fields, dramatically turning on his heels and bouncing up into a sprint away. You watched his small figure fade away into the background, absentmindedly sighing and returning to your mindless thoughts.

As a child, Scaramouche would pass by you fairly often. Frequent when he asked you to play with him, and storming away with the same expression when you denied him. Nothing out of the ordinary, you’d lived for an exceptional amount of time, and even though grumpy children were not your specialty, you’d grown accustomed to their behaviour.

Growing up, Scaramouche got no better. You soon noticed his violent tendencies before they became an issue, the way the children shied away from him when playing Temari. Hiding in front of a tough exterior, he scared them away and laughed, approaching you later with tearful sob.

“Will you play with me?” He asked again, trying to hide the fact that he still wept when the other children pushed him away.

But your answer stayed the same, helping him wipe his tears and coaxing him into your arms. Not the first time you’d made contact with a human, but the first time you held them in such an affectionate manner.

It was clear Scaramouche was beginning to see you as some sort of pillar of reassurance when he began running away from home to simply ask to be held. You always welcomed him with open arms, urging him to head back to his household and sort things out. There was no harm in simply providing love and comfort for a child who received none was there?

“Now now, hurry back home little one. Your parents must be growing awfully worried if you’re out by this time at night.”

“My parents dont care about me!”

Darkness slowly pooled into the fields, an obscure shade covering the two of you from the tree you were under. Biting back form your normal emotionless statements, you pondered for something to soothe and convince the boy. Misunderstandings and hardships were normal from what youd seen with children, and you could only offer your hand on his shoulder, a promise. “Go back, I promise to stay here if anything further happens. But you shold give them another chance dont you think?”

And so he’d sprint back to his hometown, and you wouldnt hear from him again till he ran up right up to you a few days later. Begging you to play a game with him. The normal you supposed, and with a grin that seemed to stretch wider with every day, you told him the same thing you told him every single time.

“You cant move?!” Scaramouche nearly yelled one time, tiny fists curling at his side. “Thats… thats stupid!”

“It is isnt it?” You only smiled in response.

Unsatisfied with your response, he clawed your arm, pulling you with all his might. Strong, you realized with surprise that he was much stronger than most children his age. Easy enough to tug away from, but strong enough to take you off guard.

Snapping your hand back to your side, you narrowed your eyes. You weren't angry… no, you hadnt felt strong feelings like that after the disappearance of the Kitsune Saiguu. “Do not attempt to move me,” was your curt response, said in the most stern voice you’d used with the boy.

He’d looked at you only a few seconds longer before bursting into tears, turning away and running. You didn't feel regretful for defending yourself, only turning once more with a tired sigh to stare at the distance.

But just as you stayed ageless, Scaramouche grew older. Still, crossing each others pass was inevitable when you sat in the plains, just alongside the path that lead to his hometown.

With a permanent scowl that seemed to stain his face, he still seemed to have mature a tad bit. Maybe hadnt improved in the social department, because he now scared children and adults and alike, but more mature…

“Hm? Whats this?”

Once again, sitting criss cross under the large tree that provided the perfect shade on sunny days, you stared at the boy expectantly. His hands hesitated at your question, but he resumed shuffling. “Cards,” he simply said in response.

A small featherlike feeling flitted across your chest, making you feel lighter and… almost ticklish. A small smile crossed your face, and you recognized the emotion to be one of adoration. For him to have remembered words you’d spoken years ago, it gave you a warmth you’d sorely missed. A warmth akin to watching him and the other children grow up.

“Ew, dont smile like that, its creepy.”

Swatting at his head, he frowned further when you laughed. “You’re more mature,” you pointed out, lazily leaning back. “You need to work on your people skills though, as someone who hasnt moved in years, thats pitiful that I know more than you.”

“Shut it!”

But as he grew up, you hardly got to see much of him. He’d reached your height and then fully disappeared, leaving no goodbye. And much as you hated to admit it, you hardly noticed, not when days passed in a flurry. You were used to being by yourself, entertaining the kids and greeting the people that passed by.

Sometimes, there’d be the reminder of the warmth he’d given you. But it was quickly overshadowed by your duty to remain seated in wait for the Kitsune Saiguu. A dedication kept in its earnest, but beginning to dwindle.

Inazuma was beginning to change.

“The vision decree…” you repeated, staring at the traveller who’d mentioned it to you. “Care to elaborate?”

The new archon threatenening to take away visions from every inhabitant of Inazuma. It was preposterous, so much that you didnt move. Your vision meant the world to you, but so did the Kitsune Saiguu. You werent sure just how you weighed the two till you saw civilians passing by you, ones you recognized, ones that didnt recognize themselves.

It was snowing, cold snowflakes melting into your skin while your hair soaked in the water. Unflinching, you hummed to a little tune, awaiting someone to pass you so that you could attempt to strike a conversation of somesort. The unnatural weather distanced all who entered the field though, and you simply waited. For the Kitsune Saiguu, for someone, or for some form of entertainment, you didnt know. You Slowly closing your eyes, you decided not to care.

“Im gone for five years and you’re still sitting here like a dumbass.”

Eyes snapping open, you find yourself face to face with a complete stranger. Dark purple hair with dark blue eyes, piercing and dangerous in a way you dont recognize at all. Fancy clothing that you cant identify or put a name on.

The boy took a step towards you, crouching down to stare at you directly. His eyes scanned over your figure briefly, and he brushed the snow out of your hair and ears with one flick of his hand. In the next, he was offering a coat to you. “Take it, you’re probably getting cold.”

You leaned forward, ignoring the coat he offered you. Gently, you raised your hand to brush the hair from his eyes, centred on the way his pupils widened. Offering a small moment of surprise and one glimpse into the small childlike blue eyed wonder he was. “Kiddo,” you breathed, pulling your hand back and scanning him once again. “You’ve grown.”

“And you havent.”

Snickering at his comment, you took the coat. You didnt need it, but he looked like he didnt either. He was already wearing clothing that kept him warm, and with careful observation and an untouched coat, you settled on the fact that he’d brought it here. Brought the coat here for you.

“Still havent improved with those social skills of yours have you?”

He scoffed, letting himself fall back till he was sitting fully. “I dont want to hear it from someone who refuses to move an inch for years. Lazy ass.”

You open your mouth to retort, but instead laugh at his comment, shaking your head. “Gained some humour on your journeys have you? Bad words too it seems. Anyways...” He had sat down, which meant that he meant fully well to sit, chat, and catch up. That familiar warmth filled your chest, a contrast between the cold snow. “Welcome back.”

It wasnt often that Scaramouche visited Inazuma, but when he did, he was sure to visit you. The two of you would sit down for hours, talking about the most trivial topics. He never mentioned what he did in his time away, and you never asked.

But things began to go downhill when news of the vision decree finally took action.

“Its no joke anymore! The Raiden Shogun has taken custody of almost a hundred visions!”

In that moment you made your decision, weighing your vision over the Kitsune Saiguu. Awfully selfish you knew, but you’d spent decades sitting there in wait.

And for the first time you sat up from your position on the ground, clumsily stumbling upright but gaining balance. It takes a few steps until you’re back to normal, and you begin your journey in order to escape the Raiden Shogun’s vision hunt decree.

_-_-_-_

You didnt expect to see him again.

Long grass tickled at the skin of your legs, making you adjust your footing to no avail. Sun slowly descending past the mountains to mark the start of an evening and the soon approaching night. A normal day of exploring the mountains and islands of Inazuma, observing the constant changing situation, and running away from the vision decree like a favourite past-time.

With the exception of a firm grip on your wrist.

Dark purple like hair, same hate brimmed eyes and lavish clothing. You recognized Scaramouche the moment he had appeared, looking just as surprised as you were. That being before he snatched your wrist and snarled, “You.”

You wouldve considered it pure luck to find him, an unexpected reunion with someone you actually remembered. But no, his tone had some predatorial edge to it that had you cringing. Hard. “Yes, its me.” You answered back with a frown, trying to loosen his hold. “Nice to see you too, is something the matter?”

He only seemed confused at your words, pulling you closer.

“Something the matter?” He asked as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Well, to start, you’re not sitting at your damn spot.”

Taken aback for a moment, you wondered if that sole fact was what drove the boy to such lengths. Surely he couldn't be so troubled over the fact that you moved… “The vision hunt decree, I'm sure I mentioned that I was sticking around in wait for the Kitsune Saiguu. I decided to wander around and avoid the conflict until I could settle back.”

“You could’ve waited for me,” he stated almost instantly. “I could have protected you.”

You felt your brows furrow quizzically. “Wait for you? Why in the world would I-”

“Why wouldn't I?” He pushed you closer till he could fully grab both wrists, taking a step closer as if his words would resonate clearer in your head. “You took care of me as a child, it would only be fair for me to repay the favour.” But he only seemed to be looking for excuses. “And besides, you can't just up and leave… I didn't know.”

Before you could interject with the obvious answer that he didn't need to know, you stopped. You’d lived decades, nearly centuries if you’d kept count, and you had learned to read people's expressions even when you’d stayed away from them for so long. He didn't know. It hit you in the most unpleasant way that he wasn't aware that it was none of his concern. To him, you were just another thing he needed to keep track of, something he had control over. His face basically screamed, ‘I depended on you to stay in that place.’

Deep breath in and out. You’d lived long, longer than him, you could deal with a child throwing a tantrum.

“Don't worry,” you gestured to the vision ta your side. “I'm strong enough to protect myself, I appreciate your concern, but I’ll be back when the vision decree ends.”

Unconvinced, he pulled you closer, just until your faces were mere inches away from each other. “No,” he said in a stern voice. “I’d rather you by my side, where I can protect you. I hate to question what you’re capable of, but you’ve been sitting down for as long as I’ve known you for.”

“I’ve lived decades more than you,” a simple reply, hopefully enough to get by him. You snatched your hands back with ease, ears flinching slightly when a cold breeze swept past you. But you stayed firm, not wanting to look vulnerable against the imposing air he had around him.

Still unconvinced. “You’re coming with me.”

“No I’m not.”

You’d known him as a kid, watched him grow up along with all the other small ones in his hometown. And maybe you admit you cared a smudge bit about the warmth he gave you when settling down to play cards, but he was different. He had changed in the worst way and you weren't about to deal with it.

“So you’re not coming with me voluntarily?” He asked softly, taking a small step to which you responded by stepping back. He had his hands up, as if telling you he wouldn't hurt you. But the way he said voluntarily sent shivers up your spine.

“No.” Hand on your vision, you held your own hand up threateningly.

He took his time when tilting his head, taking a deep breath in, and then appearing in front of you in just a short stride. Too quick to react, you hesitated before you could attack him. You didn't want to hurt him, he was still a child in your eyes, and you paid the consequences for that. He slid his hand just along your neck, and a jolt of electricity seemed to thrum inside you just as you collapsed in his arms.

Scaramouche was quick to catch you, hoisting you up into his arms dearly. “I do hope you’ll come to understand,” he said softly, cradling your unconscious form in his arms. Making sure not to crush your tail when carrying your legs, he looked past the mountains, sigh resting on his lips.

Because Scaramouche liked to have control of the things he held dear. Like keeping all your valuables neat and tidy in a closet, he was happy knowing you were safe and stable in that spot you always sat on.

And he couldn't have you moving could he?

#genshin impact #genshin headcanons #genshin oneshot #genshin fanfic #genshin scaramouche #genshin scaramouche x reader #scaramouche x reader #genshin impact x reader #cynshealthysfw #genshin fluff

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shhh-no-ones-home · 4 years

Text

for the road (2/2) steve clark x reader

+++++++++

part 1 part 2

sorry this took so long, like i had mentioned in the other post, our internet cable was cut and it took a few days for it to get fixed. on top of that i had a few essay finals to finish and just didnt have time to get back to this. it is here now though and i hope you all like it!

she edited for the most part but if i missed anything, sorry, lol.

again i dont usually add songs from the artists to their own chapters but i think this one works pretty good with the story so youre getting it anyways lol

Song: stagefright by def leppard

tag list: @cynic-spirit @lifeisabitchandsoareyou

+++++++++

as soon as i turned around from locking the shop there was a taxi outside, parked on the curb with a woman leaning against it. she offered me a smile.

"are you y/n?"

she asked and i nodded.

"the band is waiting for you."

she said opening the door for me. i politely thanked her before sliding in and buckling the seat belt. the car smelled like apples, making me feel much less nervous than before. the ride to the venue was pretty silent though and i watched out the window as we passed by the tall city buildings. as the venue came into view my eyes got wide, i had never actually been to this part of town before. I looked at the venue in awe, it was much larger than the places I usually attended concerts at. the metal gates opened in front of us and she drove in, straight to the back doors. a large man in all black was waiting there with his arms held together in front of him. i was definitely back to being nervous again. he opened the door and peered down at me.

"You here for Steve?"

He asked and I nodded, pulling the ticket out of my pocket and showing it to him.

"yeah uh, he gave me this."

he looked over it before helping me out of the cab.

"Right this way."

He said, hand moving to be placed gently at my back as we walked inside the venue. I was a little unnerved at first, being alone with the man and all but marched along anyways. the halls were brightly lit as we walked, the white concrete shining against the floor tiles. i watched as roadies and crew members walked around us, gaining my attention as the man kept pushing me forward. When he reached a door at the end of the hall I smiled, seeing Steve sat against the couch's arm rest with his guitar in his hand.

"Here we are."

The man said, dropping his hand from my back and standing firmly beside the door. He never looked back at me as I stepped into the room shyly. I waved to the guys before Steve noticed me.

"Y/n!"

He said excitedly, standing and offering me a hug. I gladly took it before he escorted me to sit at the couch.

"Was the ride here alright?"

He asked and I nodded.

"Yeah, for the most part. Thanks again for inviting me. I'm excited to see you guys play!"

I said, wide smile on my face.

"I'm happy to hear that, i really hope you like it. we've been working on something new for the set."

i made an impressed face.

"sounds exciting."

then i heard one of them laugh.

"you say that like shes seen our other sets."

he had darker curly hair.

"so?"

steve said sitting a little closer to me, his arm falling behind my back to rest on the couch.

"im sav."

the man offered his hand and i shook it.

"y/n."

steve cleared his throat.

"right, thats rick savage he plays bass, my partner in crime phill collen, plays guitar, rick allen who is our man behind the kit, and of course you already met and talked to joe elliot our lead singer."

they all offered hellos around the room as steve introduced them.

"its nice to officially meet you all, i appreciate you guys coming into the shop earlier. i put the record in the window after you left and six people stopped in to buy a copy."

i joked, making steve laugh lightly.

"happy to help."

sav said. then a man with a clip board and mic around his neck stepped in looking rushed.

"alright guys its time to mic up, its almost show time."

they all nodded before leaving the room one by one to follow the man.

"hey ive gotta go but ill be back right before the show starts so you can come with us to the side of the stage okay?"

i nodded as he stood.

"okay."

he touched my shoulder lightly before walking off. i sighed to myself for a second before getting up and walking around the room. it was super neat. the painted bricks were covered in signatures from all sorts of rock stars. they were littered about in varying colors of permanent marker, some of them with small messages and dates next to them. part of me wondered how long it would take to fill before they had to paint over it or start on a new set of walls. then i heard a knock at the door, it was steve with a guitar now around his neck.

"hey, you ready for the show?"

he asked with a wide smile.

"lead the way."

i said stepping out of the room and following him back down the hallway.

"so i know this isnt exactly date material but how are you so far?"

i let out a short laugh.

"im doing great, this is all fantastic."

he seemed content with that answer as we stepped up to the side of the stage.

"im glad to hear that. if you arent busy afterward would you maybe wanna go get something to eat? before we have to head out?"

i twisted my body a little in excitement, holding my hands in front of me, smiling like an idiot.

"id love that."

he touched my arm gently.

"great!"

i leaned forward and kissed his cheek lightly, making him blush.

"alright guys, showtime."

the man who had called them out earlier was back, ushering them into a line.

"ill be here when youre done."

i said, earning a nod from him. i watched as they all ran out one by one, the crowd screaming as the backtrack blared through the speakers. they all just lit up as they began playing, joe speaking into the microphone and asking how the crowd was feeling. it made be giggle, not being to contain my excitement anymore.

°°°°°°°°°

when the set was done steve was quick to get offstage and into a new set of clothes. he was all sweaty under the stage lights during the show so i could understand why. he had grabbed my hand and practically ran with me down the hall and out the back door, making me laugh. when we were in the cab i had arrived in he calmly told the woman where to take us, his arm making its way behind me to hold me around my waist. the drive to the late-night restaurant was filled with small conversation and light smiles, he really was an interesting person. when we pulled up he helped me out of the cab and walked with me on his arm inside.

"two?"

the waitress asked, him nodding and following her to a booth across the diner.

"so, what can i get you two to drink?"

she said, setting the menus down. i looked at her and smiled.

"coffee please."

she nodded and looked to steve who look at me a little curiously.

"two coffees i suppose."

he let out a short laugh before she walked away.

"its a little late for coffee dont you think?"

he asked, looking over the menu. i sent him a look.

"says the person who ordered one as well."

he laughed and shook his head.

"i guess we all have our vices huh?"

i smiled at him, looking over the menu.

"hey, ive been meaning to ask you-"

"you two ready or do you need some more time?"

i looked from steve to her.

"cheese fries please."

i said, handing her the menu as she wrote it down.

"same."

he said with a smile, handing her his menu too. she nodded before walking away.

"now, what was it that you wanted to ask?"

he folded his hands together and leaned into the table, giving me his full attention.

"well i was wondering what the rest of tonight would look like."

i laughed light heartedly.

"its not exactly like you guys are staying here. i know you said it was a date, and i really like you but i dont necessarily wanna have too much fun, ya know?"

he nodded slowly, the waitress bring us our food and us thanking her.

"ive kinda been thinking about that too. and i really like you too and would love for this to happen."

he motioned between the two of us.

"but i dont want to make you wait for me."

i laughed a little bit as i ate.

"i dont think id mind too much. waiting that is, ive been single this long its not like it would be much different."

i joked, making him smile at me as he took a drink.

"so, what? we do this? for real? keep in contact until tour is over and then what?"

i shrugged.

"we make it work."

i said matter-of-factly. he studied my face for a second.

"okay, so we're really doing this."

he said with a wide smile. i nodded.

"i guess we are."

then it hit me.

"oh, here!"

i grabbed one of the survey cards out of the napkin holder and began writing.

"heres the numbers you can reach me at. the top is my house and the bottom is the shop. if you need me ill be at either of those places."

he looked over it before folding it and stuffing it into his pocket.

"hopefully you dont get too tired of me before tour is over."

we both laughed.

"i dont think i will, if you wanna call everyday be my guest. id love to hear about the places you visit. makes my small corner of the world a little bit bigger."

he sent me a genuine, heart melting smile.

"then i will absolutely do that for you y/n."

we both finished our drinks and got up, taking the ticket to the register and him paying the waitress. we said our thanks before climbing back into the cab out front. the drive back to the venue was full of cuddles and soft touches, talking back and forth about what he would be doing and where he would be going in the next couple weeks. it all sounded so interesting and i wished i could go with him. when the cab came to a stop at the back door we both got out, his hands making their way to my waist as i leaned into the car.

"ill be looking forward to seeing you next month."

he said softly, pushing my hair out of my face.

"likewise."

i said back, looking over his face. he seemed so soft. his thumb grazed my cheek before he leaned down and kissed me gently. the moment our lips met i knew that was it. the wait would be worth it for sure. when he pulled away we both sighed as he rested his forehead against mine.

"ill for sure be looking forward to another one of those."

he joked, both of us smiling at each other like a couple of teenagers.

"well then, before we both have to go, heres one for the road."

i said before pushing forward quickly, kissing him again. it was deeper than before as he pulled me into him. i wanted to feel that forever. when the back door creaked open we both pulled away, it drawing his attention as the body guard stood there sternly.

"i guess thats my queue."

he grabbed my hands as he backed up, dropping them as he got further away. i watched him walk to the door, waving back to me before he was ushered inside. i covered my mouth for a second before bouncing up and down with excitement. i could wait a month, if that was the hardest part of this then surely i could handle it. and now i had tour adventure stories to look forward to. i smiled like an idiot as i slid back into the cab, telling her where to take me. i couldnt stop smiling the entire car ride. i couldnt wait for the month to be up.

#wattapd #x reader #steve clark #264 #imagines #one shots #def leppard #.

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mewmewnyaart · 4 years

Text

I'm not very good at drawing horror and blood but I recently have been getting into OFF lately so I figured I'd try to draw batter to pratice lighting and shadows

I also made my own au where batter and hugo switch places but I doubt anyone would like it or even read it heck I couldn't even get a single like on any of my posts

But here I go anyway :

So common belief that the world of OFF isnt real and that its all happening inside Hugo's head because hugo is in a comma and that the batter resembles the father and the queen resembles the mother

And that the guardians are the boy's immune system and organs that are intolerant to the drug liquid plastic that is being experimented on hugo

The mother was always a working woman and never gave hugo attention while the dad was a straight forward and loving man (I also have a personal theory that he's religious)

The mother wants hugo to live but the father wants to let the boy die because he's tired of seeing his own child in pain everyday

Ok now that I have that out of the way here's my au:

In this au its the father that ends up in a comma and hugo is the one who tries to save him from dying

Backstory to how the dad ended up in a comma:

Hugo in this au is healthy and lives a normal life the father was once a baseball player (as a hobby) so hugo got inspired by his dad and started to take baseball classes at his school

One day the dad was dropping hugo off for baseball practice and while waving goodbye while slowly moving out of the parking lot a reckless older student who wasn't looking quickly backs up his truck hitting the father and sending him into a comma

Ok now for the characters:

We enter the game as hugo and we are greeted by the judge and we start our journey of "purifying" the world just like batter

The enemies represent different family members who dislike or or even hate the father and the father's phobias or fears as well as microbes or poisons in the father's system

Then we have other characters like pets,neighbors,friends who are good guys or people who side with hugo in the this au

Also the puzzles would changed in this au

Hugo is a child and the father would probably play alot with hugo and his games since the mother was always busy ,so instead of floating boxes we'd get more complicated versions of kids puzzles like connect the dots or fill in the shapes etc.

Now for who each character represents and then I'll move on to what the goal of the game is or what Hugo's mission is:

Hugo= he represents the son in real life but he also resembles a new antibiotic that's being experimented on the father

The judge = in real he's the family house cat named milk ingame he's a guide but I have my own head canon

so alot of people tend to draw batter with his eyes closed some draw 4 eyes some draw no eyes at all

I like to think that the father irl has bad eye sight or sensitive eyes so he wears special glasses but will not wear any glasses when at home because he doesn't like to so he will walk around with his eyes closed

So milk will guide him throughout the house by purring or meowing at him

As for the smile the judge has on his face hugo likes the movie Alice in wonderland over and over so the image of the Cheshire cat would be embedded in the dad's memory which is why the judge appears that way

He views the judge as someone who is helpful

The queen = the queen is his wife however they start to have alot of problems and arguments before the father fell in a comma

And the relatives try to convince her to turn off the life support and move on with life

Dedan= irl he's the father's brother in law with a snappy attitude and he hates the father alot and even objected in thier wedding day he will do anything to hurt the father or cause trouble

The father sees his brother in law nothing more than a all bark no bite a big mouth

Japhet= in real life is the lady that lives next door (yes I KNOW japhet is male but he's based off if her in the father's head)

She's is very controlling person who enjoys gossip and can't mind her own business always sticking her nose where she can as well as pushing everyone around she does everything she can to get attention and impress people and she's flirted with the father mutiple times but she's ignored her every time

She has very loud and noisy birds and has killed thier other family cat Venice saying that she did it as self defense (Venice is Valerie basically)

The father views her as a parasite

Enoch= he resembles another dad that takes his kid to baseball practice but is in bad terms with the mother and will constantly pick on hugo for fun

He assumes if the father approaches him its because his wife told him to do so

and will constantly say that his child and wife are happy ,living a life with no problems thinking that he's got life figured out

Even though its clear that his son isn't enjoying baseball at all, is quite over wieght as well as his wife ignores him all the time not to mention he's constantly eating meaning that he has some sort of food addiction it seems he sees no irony in his life at all

The father sees him as an irresponsible over wieght person who's always lying to himself and to blind to see the truth thinking that his life is ok when it's clearly not

Zacharie = irl he's the father's best friend since middle school and they've known each other for years he was the best man at the wedding he's bisexual and in a relationship with a girl named sweetie (please don't hate me batterie shippers QWQ!) He used to crush on the father and even confessed to him on the wedding day he was heartbroken but accepted that the relationship was never gonna happen and was even mad at his best friend but realized it was wrong of him to feel that way

He eventually moves on

He likes to bring and buy alot stuff and show them to his best pal later somegimes illegal stuff (he even brought weed over one time oh boy) he's like an uncle to hugo and is always happy to help and defend his best friend no matter what

He views him as a brother and family member aswell as a very optimistic chill dude and will jokingly refer to him as "the merchant"

Sugar: irl she's zacharie's gf (before her he had 2 toxic exes and she helped him out of those toxic relationships) she and the father don't really talk all that much so he knows little to absolutely nothing about her aside from the fact that she likes to talk funny sometimes and is really into dolls and aliens and a slight addiction to eating pixie straws (straws filled with powered candy or sugar)

He views her as a silent person nothing much

The elsens= they are the people that the father meets/sees/interacts with everyday/every once in a while but don't have much of a connection with (you know like a co worker you have small talk with or barely ever see)

Now for the plot :

After the father enters a comma the son starts to go from school to the hospital (they're very close to each other and you can say hugo is 5-7 years old and ) and visits his dad everyday and calls out to him hoping it'd wake him up

The mother scolds him for running off without super vision and that his dad won't wake up if he keeps calling him that whatever he does is useless that his father will remain to be a lifeless bag of meat on a bed

Hugo doesn't give up ignoring his mother's words

She realizes that hugo has an obsession with his unconscious father that is affecting his studies along with his social life

Zacharie doesn't make this any better because he offers to pick up hugo after school to prevent him from getting abducted or lost along with his jokes all the time

She slowly starts to Contemplate turning off the life support machine wondering if it would fix everything

Hugo hasn't been paying attention in class and thier marriage has been having a issues lately her family never liked or accepted him she sees zacharie and others as annoying and problems bringers and maybe they'd have less expenses if hugo didn't have to go to baseball pratice every day not to mention he'd less likely get hurt if he stopped playing

Everyone else started to convince her to turn off life support they discuss this next to the unconscious father

She prevents zacharie from seeing hugo and locks out any other connections the fatehr has

finally she becomes convinced however there's 1 barrier preventing her from doing that.....Hugo

The only person who truly gives hugo attention and love is his father without his father he'd feel lost and scared his mother is always working and doesn't give him much attention

Everyone tells him to give up on his dad and move on but hugo stands his ground

Alot of the arguments and conversations happen in the hospital room next to the father so he hears everything in his comma which leads to the creation of the world of OFF in his head

Therefore we play as hugo through out the game (dressed in a baseball outfit) solving puzzles and fighting enemies "purifying" the world

Not much changes the boss battles the add ons etc. Will remain the same in this au

Maybe there will be more rubber duck /duck/ bird themed stuff in this au aside from the pedalos (ex:move the boxes to make them look like a duck idk lol)

However the final boss will change

Canonly batter is stopped by the judge but in this au the judge sides with hugo because its the queen (the mother) who is trying to turn the switch off and hugo is trying to prevent that

So instead of the judge stopping hugo

Hugo will meet the queen, she will tell him to halt and not bother going any further that her intentions will not change hugo will begin to tell her off everything she's done wrong she will respond saying that she's doing it for thier sake (Hugo's and her's) but hugo calls her out and tells her its not true and she loses her patience with him leading to a boss fight if hugo wins then she will refer to him as "my little sweetheart" and fade into dust

"The room" will also change instead of hugo it'll be his dad (the batter)chained to a wall (basically a prisoner in his own mind) hugo will take 1 step forward activating a trap causing him to plummet down a tube and fall unconscious for a few minutes

When he wakes up he sees the queen and all the guardians standing before him the queen states that he can give up or die trying then she speaks to the puppeteer (the player) the you are given 2 options

1.aide with the queen

2.side with hugo

If you side with the queen you will have the guardians ok your side then Hugo's appearance will change as well he will appear to have a large head with a huge gaping mouth a baby rattle and apron and speech bubbles that say "wah wah" "whine whine" (stating that his mother sees him as a cry baby)

If you defeat hugo then the switch is immediately turned off and it gives 1 out of the 2 bad endings this ending is called "check mate" as a reference to a queen from chess

If you side with hugo then you will be defeated but you won't get a game over yet instead the queen will give you 1 last chance

Then you are given 3 options

1."surrender" 2."gasp for help" 3."cry"

If you choose surrender then you will get the 2nd bad ending in which in life support is turned off the father dies hugo becomes lonely with his mother busy all the time (and not allowing him out side the house and not trusting people) which leads to hugo growing up cold,plain and unloving

At some point there's a scene where adult hugo stares at his old mother laying on the kitchen floor in pain for a few minutes instead of helping her immediately indicating that he doesn't care

If you choose "gasp for help" then you will get the good ending "aye batta batta,strike!" In which hugo will call for help (while in deep pain from the fight) after a few calls judge,zacharie,sugar and a few elsens will come to the rescue and revive you fighting by your side allowing you to defeat the queen and guardians

Everything slowly starts to go back and the father wakes up from his comma everyone in the room stares in shock but hugo had the biggest smile on his face while standing next to his dad's bed "did...I miss something?"

"...daddy *breaks into tears*"

The 3rd ending called "better late than never" is triggered when you choose "cry"

Hugo will cry very loudly

The mother changes her mind and doesn't turn off life support but hugo stops visiting his dad and similar to the 2nd bad ending hugo grows up to be cold and unloving 13-16 years later hugo visits his father again and he finally wakes up from his comma and is discharged from the hospital after 1 year of rehabilitation therapy

By now the mother had remarried and the father missed his son's childhood so now he has to relive his life

However hugo meets a girl who is a complete opposite to him at work and church (rainbow hair,optimistic,enjoys music of various kinds,loves cute things,baking,jokes,and artist etc.) And is forced to work with her as well as she tries to get Hugo's attention so he asks his father for advice on how to get rid of this woman which leads to alot stuff going on and hugo allowing how to love and live life leading him to falling in love with the girl and becoming a new man

(This is personally my favorite ending lol and I MIGHT write fanfic of it on wattpad or here idk tbh )

Anyway this my OFF au I GUESS the name can change to the ON au or OFF/ON au lmao idk

Reblogs and feed back is appreciated

PLEASE DONT STEAL MY AU i worked hard on this thing spent 5 hours to write it all

Heh I sat this as of anyone is even gonna read whatever I dount it'll get noticed at all

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dragon-age-my-beloved · 4 years

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Me: "What I do with my relationships is not a burden you need to bare. It is no ones but my own. Although I love that you care about me to do it without asking, I don't wish you to invest yourself in me in a way that hurts you.

I talk with others about my social problems because I need to reflect off others that I am responding appropriately, not for them to actually go out of their way to help me. I seek understanding and emotional guidance more than physical direction. More akin to "I understand that you are upset, I would be as well. You dont deserve that/you reacted inappropriately" rather than "get rid of him/ your better off not doing this/ if you want to be happy you need to do this" But no matter what if someone is to provide me with advice I dont just throw it out, I mull over it. But I mull over it until I am ready to act on it. I have been considering getting rid of Ryan for months. And I know it is the right thing to do. But the fact of the matter is I'm not ready yet and that's a decision I need to make, not someone else's. I work at a slower pace than others when it comes to understanding. I always have. My need to understand isnt an external one, its internal. I dont need to know where the other person is coming from in negative relationships. The things I need to understand are "Once I get rid of ryan how much do I want to avoid him? How would I even go about doing it? Around how long will it take for me to feel okay? Am I emotionally stable enough to go through with this action?" And honestly losing William then directly having to deal with ryan and now how much stress I am under currently, I know if I threw things away with him right now it could be alot worse than if I waited for when I was better.

I know you arent the type to let your emotions out unless you need to. On the other side I have also never been one to pry because I see it as disrespectful. I am very upfront and forward with my emotions because I have had too many friendships end because someone wouldnt communicate with me. So I compensated by drowing them in my own feelings hoping it would encourage them to open up as well. It doesn't always work but I have honestly had difficulty finding another way to do it when I can't understand social queues.

I dont look people in the eye unless I am completly at ease or I'm in a job interview. I didnt know Nick's eye color until 11th grade despite knowing him since kindergarten, and that's only because people were talking about it. My tone of voice comes out wrong almost all the time. And with that so do my words, though I have gotten better with those in the written form. I have been told numerous times that my tone of voice is disrespectful or makes me appear to others as angry. When in reality it usually starts to happen because I'm not paying EXTREME attention to it. If it helps, I have been told that my facial expressions tend to express what I'm really trying to convey. I'm obsessive, very prone to addiction. I am either rigid or I am tapping or doing some sort of thing to make noise. I dont relax fully around people, physically or mentally.

Not often will acknowledgment of my actions lead me to being upset. If you can be upfront and say "macy, the way you said that hurt my feelings" I will 100% add it to my list of things I shouldnt do. Because the only reason I have gotten this far in life is from people telling me. I don't catch on to things. I cant read a room very well. I can't do a lot of things involving interaction properly. I can tell you I am trying to get better at it, but it's one of those things that I need told to me because I HONESTLY cannot tell. Every social interaction I'm in is a guess unless I have been through the same exact conversation a million times.

I'm not saying this to try and guilt you or anything bad like that. I just came to the realization that I don't think I ever told you about it. This has been a serious work in progress my entire life and it's not just you who has had to deal with it. I'm 99.99% sure it's the actual the reason all of my friends from high school dont speak with me anymore.

It probably isnt anything that will help my case, but this is honestly the best I have ever been with communication. And that's probably partially why it is only coming up now. I used to be a lot worse. I make people upset and can't tell. I constantly am freaking out over people because I'm scared everytime I talk to someone I'm messing up. And when I become closer with someone I start to relax around them and it becomes an issue again.

You are under no obligation to have to adhere to these issues I have. But for a good friendship with me they do need to be taken into consideration. Because it's not something that will go away once I "find myself" or whatever. There is no medication that makes this better, there is no growing out of it, it is constant hard work for me every day to make sure I'm using the "right" words or whatever else is being taken into consideration at the time. If you think it would be easier for you, you can give me signs that you are retreating or something of the like if you are comfortable disclosing that to me. It wouldn't be just you, I want to work to have a better communication style with you.

I never want my friends to feel uncomfortable or upset because of something I've done or said. I care very deeply about people. More than I have ever shown any of you. And I know it's bad of me, but I am trying really really hard to get to the point where I can genuinely express it. It took me a year and a half of being at college to actually feel like the people around me were my actual friends. And only in the past year have I truly believed that they loved me back. I have been trying to express it more since then, but it's difficult.

To express my love I try to tell people. I take photos and videos of my friends because I want them to know I want to remember them. I try to match their emotions that they are telling me about so they wont be alone in them. When my friend Wanda told me she appreciated written word I wrote her a few letters. It took a few months but me and lydia struggled with it a lot. But we are now at a great place, when she is upset I give her space until she wants to talk and then I physically comfort her. She knows when I'm upset I hate being touched and I just want to run the course of my emotions to let myself fully feel it before I'm calm. This usually includes ranting, not speaking at all about it, or just crying a lot.

For us both to feel comfortable in a friendship together you need to communicate with me. No maybe, you NEED to. Otherwise your emotions will boil over and it will all feel over whelming and there will be nothing I can do about it. I would like to work on it with you. It took a little while but me and lydia worked through much much worse than this and now she is one of my closest friends.

You told me not long ago that I was one of your best friends, and I told you that you were one of mine. I honestly don't think a rough patch of communication during a pandemic is unheard of. But if you are willing to open yourself to me now with your honesty as you have, I hope you can continue doing so at more regular intervals. Possibly check once a week if there is something we have done that has bothered the other and we can address it in a stress free environment. If it is more regulated and expected I feel it might possibly limit the amount of stress you feel addressing it, and I can limit the amount of stress I put you under by springing my emotions constantly which I know can be overwhelming to others.

I know I am intense, it is the word I get most often attributed to me. But it's because I am a very focused person, just not always on the right thing. I get completely absorbed into people, into staring at a spot on the wall for 20 minutes, those stupid slot machines at my senior prom that made me realize I should never go to a casino, or most often just on what is happening inside my own head. It's never ill intended, it's just the way I have always been and how my mind works. I hope you can understand."

Me: I just really hope this isn't one of the last things I say to them. Probably one of my most disliked things is to bare my soul for nothing. Stuff like this is why I hardly ever fight for people. Because they are probably better off anyways. I hate... I hate that I am like this. I'm so exhausted, all the time. I just want it to stop.

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juanmiguelrauto-blog · 5 years

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Video Essay part 1

Sid and Aya: Not a love story is a film that depicts a hardworking family woman who meets a rich stock broker with a girlfriend but feels lonely so she pays her to keep him company. A story of an acquaintance that turns into love but results in heartbreak.

Meet me in St. Gallen is a film that shows teenage spontaneity that might lead to a great relationship but is scared to push through. Everytime they meet it ends in heartbreak. The movie is fun and enjoyable because of the characters personality but you will feel a lot of heartbreak.

Ulan is a film marketed as a love story but is actually more of a fantasy that focuses on the main character’s development. The film talks about Filipino folktales more than the main characters love story. Another film that results in multiple heartbreaks.

All of these films are directed by Irene Villamor

Hi. Today we are going to talk about 5 films from Cinemalaya. If you dont know Cinemalaya is an independent film festival in the Philippines held each year during the months of July and August. Its aim is the development and promotion of Philippine independent films. Each year the festival provides “seed investments” to ten independent filmmakers chosen from hundreds of submissions.

Lets talk about the films were going to talk about. Were going to talk about 5 Cinemalaya films which are: Sid and Aya, Meet me in St. Gallen, Ulan, ML, and Kisapmata.

Lets talk about Sid and Aya first. It is not the first time Anne Curtis played the role of the girl in a romance film that the couple has a vast difference in class or wealth. Anne played a promo girl who falls for Sam Milby who is a wealthy professor in Babe, I love you directed by Mae Cruz. Sid and Aya is not your typical run off the mill love story. As it says in the title ‘not a love story’. It doesnt follow the formula of one guy meets girl, they date, problems appear, they solve it and then happy ever after the end. This movie will hit you. Will leave you frustrated. After all the efforts. After all the back and forth the girl loves the guy but the guy has a girlfriend, after a while the guy leaves his girlfriend and followed her to another country to prove himself, girl is tired of him but kind of rekindles the memories but still wont get together. They did not get together. If you are rooting for the main actors to get together dont even get your hopes up because the director Irine Villamor will shatter your hopes for them to get together even if someone goes out of their way.

Lets talk about the main characters. Sid is a stock broker who had a bad past growing up. Aya is a waitress but actually has a couple of other jobs to support her family and sickly father. Sid is a frequent customer where Aya is working at. Aya and her coworkers placed a bet on what Sid’s actual job was and Aya won. That is how the two met. Aya smokes, Sid casually started a conversation and realizing Aya’s situation asked her if he could pay her to keep him company. Nothing too far off from other romance films. Yet. They were right on the formula. They hang out a lot, guy gets attached, they found love that cannot be because of Sid’s girlfriend. Really, nothing too far from generic Filipino romance films. Aya moved to Japan to be with her mom and avoid Sid but Sid chases after her. Everything goes well and they stuck to the formula until that one dreaded moment where Aya stood Sid up while he was planning to propose to her. That is different. That is how Irene Villamor made the movie unexpected but expected as well because of the title.

The plot is close to common Philippine romance films but not quite. The essence is there but the only part I saw that deviated from the “formula” is the part where Aya stood Sid up. Everything else I felt that it was to be expected. After the first encounter because of just how romance goes they will meet again. I expected that their hang-outs will labour love at some point. They make love but given that there is a third party they dont really get together but when Sid leaves his girlfriend, Aya isnt feeling it anymore. If they didnt add ‘Not a love story’ in the title i wouldnt have expected them not being together.

The movie is interesting and kind of a breath of fresh air in Philippine romance dramas. It is really hard to deviate from a formula that is tried and tested here in the country because a lot of people are already wired to find these movies relatable and those are what they are used to. The film did interest me because of Aya’s constant teasing of Sid wanting her and Aya’s personality of wanting to help her family and doing whatever she can and even doing multiple jobs to help.

Then we have Meet me in St. Gallen which is another film directed by Irene Villamor. It doesnt stray far from Sid and Aya’s formula of a not so love story. It is almost the same formula only the characters differ. Their status, their personalities, and also the time in happened. She used a lot of time skips in the movie for the two to meet. They also differ in their circumstance but the formula is still the same. Guy meets girl (In a coffee shop) after a while they fall in love but the guy has a girl, guy leaves girl then goes to another country to pursue girl and the girl is not interested again. It is almost the same progression with Sid and Aya.

Let me explain

Meet me in St. Gallen more important scene starts off when Celeste played by Bella Padilla quits her job in the bathroom where Jesse who is played by Carlo Aquino heard. He proceeds to follow her to a coffee shop and Celeste proceeded to humiliate him speaking in a loud voice that he is a stalker. They started a small talk and proceeded to get along very well. Celeste wanted to go home and ride a taxi but Jesse followed and flirted a bit and Celeste reciprocated it giving them more time to hang out. That scene is a lighthearted scene where two newly acquainted people flirt a little while bystanders who is the guard and the taxi driver just watches and make faces that help the scene become lighthearted as it is. They proceeded to go to a bar and drink, have fun, and talk a lot and then there comes this scene where they were sitting on a bench just talking and flirting. Jesse gave her a ride home while talking about relationships. Jesse kissed Celeste out of the blue then making Celeste say that they should keep that moment and proceeded to hail a taxi. The film skipped 2 years before they met again and in a coffee shop. They chatted and Celeste got the news that Jesse was engaged. Celeste still loved Jesse and was regretting not contacting him after that car scene. Jesse was still a bit in love but he is engaged. They decided to hang out again that day and all was fun and happy and they rekindled their hidden love for each other until they made love. The next morning they were still positive and flirty but when Jesse’s fiance called him everything went south. I could really feel the emotion Celeste had. After that uneventful day it skipped again a couple of years forward. It is similar to Sid and Aya where Sid went to Japan to go for Aya but in this case Jesse went to Europe specifically in St. Gallen. They met and it was a bit sour because Celeste was doubting him and it turned out that Celeste already has a boyfriend. Jesse was too late. The movie ended with them not getting together like Sid and Aya. I noticed that Irene Villamor loves tragic stories where the supposed couple doesnt really get together in the end so i guess thats what to expect on the next movie we are going to talk about which is ulan.

The two movies arent entirely the same. Each specific movie has their own charm to it, for Sid and Aya it happens to be the prospect of Sid paying Aya to hang out with him and Aya’s quirky personality and for Meet me in St. Gallen its Celeste’s mean but quirky attitude towards people. I enjoyed Meet me in St. Gallen because of the small quirks the film has in presenting teenage romance by going around and doing random stuff, drinking in a bar, and looking at the stars and the romance of adults after the time skip. I have to admit I expected that they wont get together but I didnt expect how she brings up that he had a boyfriend. It caught me by surprise and it doesnt give away anything from the title.

Ulan takes almost everything differently except how the relationship went. It is also a film directed by Irene Villamor so you know what to expect now. This movie is vastly different but also the same in some aspects.

It all starts with a young Maya, looking at the sky, the sun is shining but the rain is pouring. Her grandmother told her that the sky is weeping because two tikbalangs are getting married and heads out to the park witnessing two actual tikbalangs getting married and gets information on why it was raining and information about love. They did a good job in setting the mood of a young girl believing in fantasy and about love. What they didnt do a good job on is the horse masks the tikbalangs used maybe because of the budget so i dont blame them. Now Maya now a woman, heads out to the house of a boy she waited years to love despite the pouring rain. She arrives at the house being hopeful for a fruitful relationship and feeling love again. She is asked to go inside then gets informed that the guy she is waiting for for years is already married and has a child. Shes broken. She has all the right to love unlike the tikbalangs that the heavens disapprove of. This movie is different from the two because this involves more fantasy or Filipino omens rather than being relatable to most of the audience who will watch this film. It is more about stories of Filipino omens rather than love. It is interesting to see how omens affect a person about love so i cant say that the film bored me but its kind of over the top. The film focuses more on Maya being motivated of a broken heart to write stories and her belief in omens about love rather than her own love story. If you expected a love story that is full of ‘kilig’ this movie wont really give you that. It gives you more heartbreak than anything else because of all the heartbreaks she felt throughout the move. It entices the audience with the promise of a love story of a girl that gets heartbroken, and is too afraid to love again finally attain her dream of being loved and being happy. The latter part didnt happen. The movie focuses more on the mind and beliefs of Maya believing a lot of fables that it all correlates to her not finding the love and happiness she deserves. The movie gave me a lot of heartbreaks and after each and every heartbreak maya becomes more reluctant to love until the time she finally accepts herself. The film portrayed Maya as a girl that is reluctant to love after the big heartbreak at the start but when she does open up and love again she is a person who will love you unconditionally. The film’s cinematography has a fantasy vibe to it because of all the fables and beliefs Maya believes in and they beautifully capture the essence of it being fantasy or beliefs. The one thing I did not like about the film is how predictable it can be sometimes. I could predict when a breakup is going to happen or something bad is going to happen. The scenes that should be surprising or that should give you a heavy feeling didnt really do the job properly because it doesnt take a detective to see what is going to happen. Its raining hard to the point where Peter can barely see the road, they are on a phone call while the guy is driving, Maya telling him that he should stop first because he could be in an accident but the guy is persistent for a while. What will I expect so it didnt surprise me. All the build up of Maya getting hope and feeling happy again all got turned down. It really doesnt need a detective to figure that out. Looking at the three films, Irene Villamor loves to make tragic love stories.

Judging by the three movies talked about that is directed by Irene Villamor, there are recognizable and recurring themes and visual queues presented in those three films. They meet unexpectedly, they will have a good relationship or love for each other, but in the end the wont get together. Just by watching these three films I can say that if I watch an Irene Villamor film it is not a traditional, follow the formula type of film because she has her own and it shows. The characters personalities are also kind of similar. Looking at the female main characters their personalities often depicts a strong-willed woman who is not afraid to share their thoughts, and hardworking, unique, and soft. I believe that this is Irene Villamor’s identity in regards to filmmaking. She loves to make a non-traditional romance film that doesnt follow the typical romantic movie stereotype.

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sigmaoath · 5 years

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I have left the hell I was imprisoned in only to place myself in a prison that has become hell. There is no escape. I try to do right and end up in the darkness every time. Soothing words and cute cliche phrases that are the verbal comparison of a kitten hanging from a tree with an uplifting phrase fall deaf on my ears. I have tried. I have tried again. Then I tried again.

and again.

and every time it ends in a moment of success followed by much more failure.

I receded into the shadows and let others lead the journey but I see now that I must step forward and be the captain of the ship.

I cling to values and ethics but am quickly realizing the futility in this. I must tear the neck from those around me and take the feast I want from this world. Too long I have been “the nice guy” and overly patient. Too long I have allowed others to spit in my face. Too long I have listened to others tell me I am the bad guy or it is my fault when life chooses to batter me to the ground. Somehow it is always my fault. Too long I have sacrificed. Too long.

No more.

Nice guys truly do finish last. You cannot be “nice” and win a comfortable position in this life. What does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul? I do not want to lose my soul, but I cannot believe that to have that I must suffer horribly every single day until my final breaths. I cannot buy into the vision that God would play such a cruel joke. The joke of suffering sadness, loneliness, depression, financial despair, and struggle and being totally miserable during ones entire life just to finally reach the Pearl Gates and then be happy. I do not seek debauchery and indulgence on this earth. I simply seek happiness and the feeling of being safe and sound. The feeling of knowing I am financially covered, that I have a group of like minded people I enjoy being with as friends, and that I am truly living life to its fullest and making great memories. Nothing more than any of us want. Yet so many of us are denied this, no matter how hard we “try to do the right thing”. I am one of those. I always have been. I have fleeting moments of joy and brightness, always followed by crashing despair and depression. I have things happen that give me the false sense of “maybe things are finally turning around for me” and every.single.time. it is followed by failure and situation and humans who dash it to the ground with laughter.

So I’m done. I’m done trying to “be a good little boy”. I am not evil. I don’t seek harm on others. However, I no longer play by the rules and regulations forced upon me and ground into my brain all of my life. This time I have to do whatever is good for me. This time I have to go for what I want and leave everyone else in the ditch on the side of the road. I am not here to help. I am not here to be a hero. If it does not benefit me somehow, I am not interested. I always make everyone around me mad when I do anything. Now I do not care. I literally do not care what anybody thinks of me anymore. I have ALWAYS been a disappointment to others around me, so why should this be anything new? I keep trying to APPEASE everyone around me and it always ends in being taken advantage of, being spit at, being yelled at, and being cast out. So if that is the game and that is the way it is, then I will no longer take my beatings and just “try again the next day”. No. No more.

I am disgusted by society. I am disgusted by how humans act. The moments of kindness and love I see are always a drop in the ocean compared to the tidal wave of rotten, selfish, insensitive, and evil things I see people doing more and more every day. The lawmakers have gone insane. The world is changing for the worst. People have become nasty and vile little demons who commit the most heinous acts of villainy every single day and then broadcast it for the world to see. The world laughs, applauds, and shares it with others. It’s all a big joke to them. People are being destroyed and the world just laughs.

So while I do not seek to be EVIL by any means, I will take what I can from these people. I do not know how. I have no master plan of financial success. I have no path to changing how I feel and how I get treated. All I know is no more. It’s my turn to reach my hand in the cookie jar and TAKE, TAKE, TAKE. No more giving. I am taking. I have done nothing but give all of my life. Now it is time to be ruthless, cold, and driven to do what must be done. By any means necessary. Good boys don’t win. Good boys end up in dead end jobs being abused by their superiors because they know how desperate you are for a job to pay your bills and survive. They know they have you by the balls. Good boys end up in debt trying to stay ahead because they dont make enough to survive on, even if theyve worked as hard as they can and followed all the rules. Good boys end up alone with no real friends. Good boys end up going to sleep by 9pm on a weekend every time because even their partner isnt interested in them anymore. Good boys end up being forgotten in a nursing home because they ended up living an unspectacular life leaving no mark on the world. Good boys die with regret. Many will rail against this statement and call it false. They will give examples of good people that were successful. I can almost guarantee that those “good people” did less than savory things no one knew about to get an extra edge here and there in their climb to a comfortable place in life. Regardless, that is their life. Not mine. Kudos to them. It never worked for me. And all I care about now is ME.

i used to despise the “mememe” people. But those are the people that get the jobs. They get the promotions. They get the money. They get the awards. They get the free rides and winnings. They get the opportunities. They get the first place in line.

I have always given of myself and I always end up last. lost. disrespected. unappreciated. cheated on. cheated in general. laughed at. mocked. left out. held back as the toilet cleaning chump while everyone else is pushed forward to success with a letter of recommendation.

No more.

Yesterday while at work I finally just snapped. It wasn’t loud. It wasn’t even noticed. But in the middle of conversation about my situation, something in me broke. Usually I feel this way when I’ve just had enough, and I always come around later that day or by the end of the week. I felt it break this time. Whatever singular cord that remained that kept me a decent person just frayed and frayed and yesterday that final thread just quietly popped loose. I lost myself. Everything that I am is dead. It happened in a split second. I stopped the conversation, said, “it doesnt even matter”, and sat down. I took about 3 breaths and realized I was no longer the same. i will appear the same. I will still carry myself very similar to how I always have. I’m pretty sure of that. But I’m not the same. And no matter how much people are “worried about me”, this time I don’t care. OH WELL. People had ample opportunity to treat me decent and show me some common courtesy and respect. Don’t back pedal now that I’ve crossed over. It’s too late.

I broke yesterday and it changed me. I cannot survive like this. I wish a quiet and quick death every single day. I am not the type to bring it on myself but I wish for it. I see now that I am in the dark despair and hole I’m in for only a couple of reasons. One, I am sick and tired of struggle and that means I am tired of not having more than enough money to cover all of the pitfalls and problems that keep showering down on me. Secondly, I am tired of the disrespect. I am tired of being an outstanding human being who has given so much to others only to be pissed on and laughed at. All of my life. I am tired of working so very hard to finally do the right things and “be a responsible adult” only to have it go unappreciated when it is for others and marginalized when I announce my successes and goals reached. Truly, I have learned that most everybody out there are, well, selfish axxholes. I have been trying to please self centered narcissistic shxtheads. I have given and given and given to these parasites who will continue to take, take, take until they drain the very will to live from me. Because thats exactly where I am at. And if I dont change and become someone else, and walk a different path, I will be dead before long. I cannot take much more. I really cant. This life has been horrible. This life has been fleeting flashes of joy and happiness smothered by horrible situations and outcomes. People have become awful, gross, and disgusting things to me. I used to be so very outgoing and now I just want to shut the world out and have everything I need delivered just to avoid being in society. The ugliness of people has become a sickly, sweaty, acne covered, mucus dripping hug that wont let go when I step out into it. I watch people and I am physically sickened by how they act, how they treat each other, and how disgusting their mannerisms are. I am equally disgusted by how I personally get treated. So no, I dont believe I can survive here much longer if I don’t do something different. Because the old ways did not work. I am in pieces and have lost my will to live. I have lost my desire for hobbies, adventure, and laughter. I feel like the walking dead and the only emotion I have left is anger and rage. So no more. I don’t know how this is going to go.I don’t know “what to do”. I just know that yesterday I snapped and something that cannot be fixed and replaced broke. Today I realize I have to become a wolf among wolves. I have to fight my way to the front. No rallying battle music. No hero shot. No mighty knight overcoming his enemies for the win. Not that kind of fight. I have to rip the necks of those around me out. I have to do whatever is necessary to win. I have to start doing my own taking from people until i see what I want from this life. I have to stop worrying about other people and their feelings. I have to stop PROTECTING everyone around me. You’re on your own. Nobody ever reached a hand out for me when I was drowning (well, twice to be fair, but 2 out of THOUSANDS? Horrible odds.) so I am not here to save anyone else. Actually, most anytime I HAVE reached out to save others, somehow, yet again, I became the bad guy and people hated me. So sink for all I care. I am here for me now.

I will either win or I will die. One must come soon.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m done.

I’m finished with being nice. The line from the Batman movie rings so amazingly true to me today - “You either die the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain”. I cannot sum it up any better. We grow up wanting to be Batman. When grow up though and go through dealing with people and life - we really start to sympathize with the Joker.

“ The Joker: Don't talk like one of them. You're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these... these civilized people, they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.” I’m not crazy. I’m not “emotional”. I’m not a monster. I’m just tired of letting all of these “civilized people” eat me and my soul for their own worthless gains. Time to catch up and then get ahead of the curve. I have figured people out. And the result was not comforting or good. Humans are awful beings with sparks of decency, if at all. I’m tired of the bad guy always winning and I am left losing. I have zero agenda other than me winning. And I will take it by force if necessary. I will burn those around me if they deserve it (Again, I’m not evil. I’m not out to hurt innocent people). I will throw people under the bus. I will not be loyal to people who could care less if I died today. I am going to get what I can. I will be first in line. I will be first in life. I will snatch the candy from the baby if thats what it takes. Death to the paladin. It is time for the rogue.

I’m tired of being shxt on. No more.

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420710ge-blog · 6 years

Text

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender.

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.”

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself.

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE

#selfhelp #depression #anxiety #stress #comparing #addiction #social media #i wanna get better

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