#when you asked if you could use my Shank art for a text post I was immediately intrigued and OP this did not disappoint

[opbackgrounds]

Hi there Sarc' ;) I am sorry if the question has already been asked but I thought it could be interesting to have your opinion about this. While I love most of the female characters in OP and think that most of them are well developed and can be truly good role models for girls I still feel that Oda sometimes has a sexist view on female characters (the jokes about the naked bath scenes for example or Kororo being considered ugly make me really uncomfortable). What do you think about it?

Ah, I wondered when I would get this question. 

When people talk about sexism in One Piece they typically are referring to two different things: How women are drawn, and how they’re treated within the narrative. While there’s some overlap here, there’s enough distinction that I want to address them as two separate points in two separate posts, because I guess I had Opinions, and by god there should be a limit to how much text one tumblr post can be expected to hold. Consider this an introduction.

Buckle up, kiddos. This is gonna be a long one. 

Nami Face Syndrome Isn’t the Problem...

An important thing to remember with Oda’s art and storytelling style is that almost everything is hyper exaggerated for effect. You don’t go into One Piece looking for realism. You don’t go into One Piece expecting the characters to act like normal people. Everything--from the art to the humor to the battles--is stretched and pulled to its absolute limit in hopes of garnering a particular reaction. When a character is sad they cry big bubbly tears with dribbles of snot coming from their nose. When they laugh their mouths take up half their face. 

And when a girl is hot, her tiddies are two great big watermelons stuck to the center of her chest.

What is often dubbed “Nami Face Syndrome” within the fandom is somewhat misleading. After all, why was Wanda, who is a literal dog that walks on two legs, decried as yet another Nami clone at her introduction? I would postulate it’s less to do with her face and more to do with the fact that from the neck down they are virtually identical, something that’s made more obvious because Wanda is literally wearing Nami’s clothes

What makes this frustrating for a lot of people, myself included, is that it’s not that Oda is incapable of drawing more diverse body types, but that he often chooses not to. Take for example the Kuja tribe

or the Charlotte family daughters (thanks to Arthur at Library of Ohara for the resource). It’s pretty clear Oda has the chops to make his women as weird as the men, and he often does! For important characters, even. And yes, as the Kokoro example given above sometimes the gonkness is brought attention to, but for others like Lola and Chiffon it’s...not. 

(more on mermaids later)

But Sarcasticles, one might protest, even Oda’s “ugly” characters have ginormous boobs! Where is my itty bitty titty committee representation >:(

To which I can only shrug. For Oda, boobs on a woman are like abs on men. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense, they’re gonna have ‘em

Seriously, Oda. What the fuck.

...So What Is?

I have a theory that’s impossible to prove, and that the problem isn’t so much Oda’s character design so much as the ratio of his male to female characters in general. It’s not that every female character is a Nami clone, but Oda has a template he uses for attractive female characters ages 16-25, the same way he uses Robin as a template for attractive women ages 26-35, which is how you get cases of mistaken identity like Viola for Robin or scenes during Reverie where one could be forgiven for thinking Nami’s supposed to be an identical triplet

 Oda does this for his men, too. It’s not as obvious because 1) Even men with similar facial features can have a wider variety body types due to Oda having a sliding scale of buffness he’s willing to attach to a pretty face and 2) There are more men. 

There are a lot more men.

In groups where the male to female ratio is more or less equal (Baroque Works, Big Mom’s kids) you get a wide variety of designs. But there’s only one female Supernova. There’s one female Warlord. CP9 only has one female agent. Only one of the Revolutionary Commanders is a woman. There are very few female background characters in crowd shots, especially among marines. Big Mom might be the only female Emperor, but she’s not young, In fact, when drawing her at age 28, Oda defaults to a much more generic “pretty girl” face before giving her much more striking, memorable features in her 40s

If you look at Oda’s male characters, the ones that are supposed to be hot are often given the same square jawline and the thin-bladed nose that at one point in time was reserved for Robin. Both Coby and Sabo had very distinctive noses before their glowups, while Ace must have had a laser treatment done on his eyebrows sometime between Alabasta and Marineford. 

But the biggest difference on the men has got to be muscle mass. The overgrown noodles of early One Piece are lost to the annals of time. Shanks alone must have gained 30 pounds of pure muscle from the time Luffy got his first bounty to his appearance at Marineford. 

Now, I will acknowledge that there is a difference between the increasing sexualization of female characters and the male power fantasy of giving Zoro bara tiddies post-timeskip. While I do think there are certain male characters specifically designed to be the Hot Dude, what I’m trying to emphasize here is that Oda works with templates for both men and women, and both of those templates have been exaggerated over time. Bigger boobs for women, more muscles for men. And when you’re only slotting for one girl in any given group, and that one girl has to be The Hot One then you’re going to have a lot of ladies that end up looking the same. 

My love for Otohime on this blog is well known, and I want to use her as an example of what Oda can do when he works beyond this template, because it’s really freaking good  

Otohime is neither conventionally attractive nor gonk. She’s dressed in very conservative, traditional clothing and has a narrow waist and small chest. 

There are no sharp edges on Otohime. Not her eyebrows, not her jaw, and most of the time not even her hands, emphasizing her gentle nature. You don’t see it as well in this panel, but Otohime’s head is often drawn wider than her shoulders, emphasizing her frailty. Oda gives her a longer neck to compensate, and the overall effect is a very soft, willowy figure. 

Her headpiece looks like a sunburst. The audience never sees her fins, so Oda gives her a scale patterned kimono-dress-thingy (my knowledge of Japanese clothing is, uh, not good) as a visual reminder that she’s not human. The sash that circles around her head harkens back to Japanese mythology as a symbol of divinity, similar to a halo in Western culture. And fun fact: Otohime is named after a god, just like Neptune, while her goals and ideals are pure enough to be heaven-sent. 

I’m not an artist, but this is a really damn good character design. A lot of Oda’s older female characters are. Dandan, Tsuru, O-Tsuru, Shakky, Kureha, Big Mom, and Nyon are all instantly recognizable and have strong designs, even if a few of them fall into the hourglass figure that Oda often defaults to. It’s just...there aren’t that many of them.

So the question becomes why aren’t there more women, and I think the answer is because, ultimately, One Piece is a series geared at boys. While I wish there were a few more important ladies, I can understand why there aren’t. 

Note, that doesn’t mean I think it’s right or that Oda is obligated to include more women. It’s just one of the facts of the shonen manga industry at this point in time. 

A more important question, I think, is why does every younger woman have to be attractive? And why do the attractive ladies have to wear outfits that are blatant fanservice? This is something I don’t have an answer for. Oda has said on more than one occasion that he writes One Piece with his twelve year old self in mind. It could be that it’s a calculated move to appeal to his audience, in which case it’s certainly worked because said Hot Ladies are constantly used in marketing and merchandising. It’s the Hot Ladies that top the popularity charts (although, to be fair, who’s there for competition?). In the most recent chapter a new Hot Lady was introduced, and the fandom went batshit crazy for her.

Even the fans who are very vocal about how Oda sucks at drawing women. It’s interesting how that works out sometimes.

Or maybe I’m giving Oda too much credit, and he’s just horny. Not having direct access to Oda’s mind, I don’t have an answer. If I had to guess I’d say it’s a little of Column A, a little of Column B, because that’s usually how life is. 

But in a vacuum big tiddies are just a design choice. An exaggerated aesthetic, in a series full of exaggerated aesthetics. It’s when that design choice is paired with in-story comments, actions, and decisions where things really start to get heated. But that’s a whole other ball of wax, and there should be a limit to how much one tumblr post can be expected to hold. I promise I’ll get to the meat of your question next time.

Thank you so much for your patience. I really do think it’s important to start here before diving into everything else, if only because it helps keep my thoughts organized. I hope you’ve found this helpful, and if not, I hope to do better next time. 

#long post #dear lord what a long post #Character Design #one piece #I don't know why tumblr fucked up with the formatting of my answer #but I apologize in advance #sexism #sarc talks

[whirlybirdwhat]

Prompt: fusion (like two characters fusing with each other) please?

This one was fun! It’ll be up on ao3 tonight! No romance in this one, just pure platonic love. And Also Pacific Rim elements more than Steven Universe because like why not have to bare your entire soul to someone to fuse with them then ultimately forget that moment of vulnerability as the fusion falls apart as a semblance for how close you became in that untouchable moments. Also, pac rim names are cooler than ship names as fusion so heck yeah anyway!!!

*formatting will be weird after immediate posting, so apologies to those who are met with this block of text before i fix it. No warnings do apply, in case the tags don’t work!

Characters include straw hat pirates, asl brothers, and shanks as major parts/fusions

soul shines like gold (lets make it shine like the sun) (ao3)

(I can’t become pirate king without my crew! Luffy says, and after three years of sailing (after a day in the presence of their captain), the rest of the crew echoes it in turn. People fuse to become strong, but why can’t they fuse to become free?)

——

Usopp was minding his own business when he came up on the deck of the Merry, giving a hesitant hello to the sleeping figure on deck.

“Hey Zoro.”

“Mmph.”

Wait.

That wasn’t Zoro.

Usopp whipped his head around to stare at the sleeping figure on the deck – one he hadn’t seen before, but had a startling familiarity to them.

Four arms, two sharp-toothed mouths, dark sun spotted skin, a familiar straw hat on the head and swords by the side, gladiator sandals and dark trousers, with an open vest and a green belt.

Usopp couldn’t see the hair, but he would bet ten belli that it was some dark shade of green, and that there was a sloping scar underneath the eye.

Luffy and Zoro fused?

Fusion was not unheard of, even in the east blue. The weak banding together to fight the strong – now that was a theory the East could agree with. But to do so casually, to simply take a nap and bare your soul to another… that did not happen so leniently.

Fusion - the art of merging with another being so completely that you became one, two (or more) souls creating a body of power and might if done right. The cost being that one will was usually dominant, and thus typically happened only in battle, when the will was to win.

Eh. Just another quirk. Better introduce myself.

He tapped the fusions foot. “Hey, I’m Us-“

The head tilted up, revealing four eyes, two closed and two wide open like his captains, a scar sloping beneath it as Usopp had thought. “We know. King’s Sword,” The fusion said in a rumbling raspy voice.

Usopp hid a flinch.

There was power in that tone.  And the fusion was still looking at him expectantly.

“So, uh, when did you first fuse?”

“First day my parts met. Luffy grabbed onto Zoro and suddenly I was.”

“That’s it?” Usopp squawked. “Just like that?”

“Of course. Luffy is the man who will be pirate king – Zoro’s captain. Why wouldn’t he trust him to create me?” King’s Sword said it like it was fact, and Usopp supposed it must be, to them at least.

Zoro and Luffy were so cool… And the name too.

(Fusion names were odd. Fusions with children and people who were undecided of goals and such tended to have actual names, a simple merging, but as the parts grew, so did their character, creating a defining name for their fusion. The pattern tended to be for every fusion that wished it but… it was rare, to have it before your twenties.

Luffy’s trait must be King.

Usopp wouldn’t expect any less.

(And Zoro was obviously sword – seriously, the guy used sword as his signature!))

“Would you like to try?”

Wha-

“What?” Usopp’s eyes went wide as King’s Sword stood up and offered him a hand.

“Would you like to fuse? See what it’s like?”

They said it in the same tone of voice that Luffy said when he said “Get on. You’re coming with us, aren’t you?” Like it was already fact, despite Usopp having only ever fused with his mother before when practicing fusion dances.

Doubt fell away.

“Sure.”  He grabbed King’s Sword’s hand, and pulled himself into the dance.

Steps forward and back twisting in and out of tandem with the fusion, his hands flying up in down in chopping motions as his hips shifted back in forth. King’s Sword was everywhere he wasn’t, towering and fluid all at once. In one final movement, his hand shifts to be clasped around King’s Sword’s forearm, the fusion doing the same in turn.

The world grew bright, and Usopp became one with Luffy and Zoro.

A fifth eye opened, brilliant brown the color of unwavering oak trees.

King’s Sharpsight, they decided their name to be, had been born.

Hair, long and gently curling fell over shoulders tied by a bandana under a straw hat. A single sword had been replaced by a slingshot, and a backpack lied over their shoulders. Gladiator sandals lied under overalls with a green sash around the middle, and a red vest underneath them. Shoulders were bare and dark, and their face had a longer nose and five eyes. Two mouths still smiled, less sharper than before, with a bigger hint of mischief towards them.

King’s Sharpsight was slightly smaller than King’s Sword, but just as stronger.

“Wow!” They said, looking at their hands and peering at themselves in the reflection of the galley’s window. “I look great! This is going to be awesome!”

All five eyes look out at the world as hands fiddled with their own rubbery texture.  “Amazing… Hey! Maybe Nami wants to join!”

She doesn’t, but she does take the time to talk to them (their first conversation!! Cool!) and show them the canon, which in typical fashion, they aim precisely at the one thing that could cause the most damage.

A big ol’ rock with two bounty hunters underneath it.

As the fusion falls apart, Usopp realizes that he doesn’t feel any less or more. He just feels… happy, as if he had gotten to know his friends more than he did already. As if he had gotten to hold their dreams and hopes in a palm, with the upmost trust.

(Because Luffy did not do anything but trust his nakama. If he asked you to do something, you did it, because anything else would be a betrayal of that trust, even if it would completely okay to him.)

(Because in a fusion, everything becomes one – bodies, souls, hearts and minds.

Which meant, memories became one.

King’s Sharpsight knew of little girls who never grew up to be great swordsman and mothers who died waiting for a man who was never coming home. They knew of brothers dead and living, and grandfathers who didn’t care for impossible dreams and wills. They knew, but didn’t think it was special, because this was just the experiences that shaped them, not anyone else.

And when they fell apart, the individuals did not remember the memories of before only the familiar comfort of I know.)

Usopp hoped they would fuse again one day, perhaps in battle, to see what they could truly do, when three minds became one.

(King’s Sight, Weather Sight, Sharpsights, Cook’s Sight, History Sight, Metal Sight, Healing Sight, Music Sight, Sea Sight, King’s Crew – Usopp fused and became one with his crew, and closer and closer and closer, until fusing was a way to talk without talking and love without speaking.)

Usopp, who had never merged before, learned to dance in pattern and fuse, like he belonged.

(It was a great feeling)

-

The first time Luffy fused was with Shanks. Gramps had always told him he was to young for it, as he showed him what it was like with his closest marine companion.

Shanks had only laughed when Luffy asked him to do it, and swept him up in his arms without question, throwing Luffy into the air and catching him on his shoulders. A warm light overtook them in the midst of Makino’s bar, and then there was Child Captain, standing proud and short and scarred.

(For Luffy did not know he would be king yet, did not have his dream, and Shanks knew who he was and who Luffy was so he took the lead.)

(Later, Child Captain would become Straw Hat, the bonding focus between their two parts.)

Child Captain was rambunctious and unstable, lasting only for a minute, but enough to give Luffy a taste of what it felt like to be not alone for the first time – to have a part of you that would never leave, like everyone else did eventually.

The next he fused, for Makino had banned Luffy from fusing with anyone else because fusing tired children, was with Ace.

Accidentally, and in battle, where Luffy’s clumsy movements went in tandem with Ace’s and the outstretched hand for Luffy to rocket with created Brother’s Sun – who quickly went supernova and fell apart the minute they were created.

Ace didn’t speak to Luffy for the rest of the day. And Luffy didn’t come back to the treehouse that night.

Sabo was the one to fix it, the only one who had had an explanation of fusion besides Luffy.

(Sabo, the nobles had said, fusion is for the fighters, for the rough housers, not for people of our esteem. Take note of that, alright boy?)

“Ace,” Sabo said to his brother. “Fusion just means you – at the very least – care for each other when you do it accidentally like that. And when you do it purposely that means you love each other, right? We’re brothers, aren’t we?”

(Sabo’s a good liar, but it doesn’t mean what he says isn’t true. In the Grand Line, marines and pirates’ fuse to become stronger, to fight without restraints. It’s not always a thing of love and beauty, but of pain and despair.

Sabo’s sure that isn’t the case with his brothers though.

Did you know that when men drink together they become brothers? This way our bond can never be broken!)

“Yeah,” Ace says quietly from where he’s curled at the foot of a true. “Brothers.”

Sabo decides to take a risk, and sticks out his hand. “Come on. Let’s do it, and find Luffy.”

Ace takes ten seconds to respond. Sabo counted – it had felt more like infinity. “Okay,” is the final quiet response, and they join hands.

The dance is quick, rushed, but put together in the quiet moments of their fights. Sharp movements flowing with wide arms, a final double hand clasp that brings them together chest to chest then –

Warmth.

And Elder Brother breathes in the jungle air.

Tall, black stretched blond with glowing freckles and wide eyes, they smile with two mouths and four eyes. Sturdy boots rest upon their feet with shorts and a simple tank top upon their chest, arm holes wide to make room for four arms. A fancy jacket is wrapped around their waist, and twin pipes rest upon their back. Goggles hang around their neck, shining in the dim light, and every step is filled with power despite the softness of childhood to their face.

Elder Brother goes forward, because they aren’t complete, not yet.

-

Luffy is found on the cliffsides of Goa, looking out into the distance like he always does when the ocean is in view. The only time that he can stay still.

“Luffy,” Elder Brother rumbles in a child pitch. Luffy gasps and turns around, not even hesitating to recognize his elder brothers.

“Ace! Sabo!” He calls then starts crying. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry-“

“Elder Brother,” the fusion corrects him gently, “I’m not upset. C’mon.” Four arms open wide, and their young brother wastes no time to lunge into their embrace and fuse.

The sun shines upon the fusion laughing happily in the sea breeze.

ASL, they call themselves, like their own dream, their own flag.

Six armed, four-legged, strong as a monstrous child could be, with a straw hat upon their head and three pipes on their back. Gladiator sandals dig into the earth and simple childish shorts and tanks are slung across ASL’s body. The fancy coat, now tattered and torn, rests upon their shoulders like the captain’s coat they all envision themselves to have in the future.

Together, ASL thinks, as brothers, at last.

They charge for the city, ready to use their new height to buy their way into a free meal, a troublemaker as always.

-

The strong did not stand alone – this was a rule the most powerful of the seas knew. Emperors had big crews, some close, others only underlings, and Marine Admirals had countless underlings beneath them.

There was strength in numbers, yes, but most importantly was the close bonds formed with your closest circle.

For only with them, could fusion emerge – the dance of souls between each other, so that one being could form.

A dangerous art, and only for those who could trust (or who had no choice) to be lead along.

In the place of those once separate bodies would be one – ten times more powerful and ten times more useful, especially in battle, when one’s opponent would outlast you.

A common tactic in battles was to divide and conquer, so no fusions could form and something resembling equal footing would be allowed. Marines often used this, in favor of fusing as most pirates did, the marines claiming equality and the pirates truly uncaring of rules.

They were pirates after all.

Any advantage in a fight

-

There are legends, passed down and shifting over time, that the fusion between the King of the Pirates and Dark King Rayleigh was one of the most powerful to walk the earth and only rivaled by that of Garp the Fist and Sengoku The Buddha (and perhaps only because the latter had a devil fruit.) The fusion, called King’s Treasure, had seldom been seen, but was said to tower over giants and kings, to trample islands and swim the ocean as if it were a lake.

A fusion is, of course, the voice of two wills surging into one. The Will of D and that of a Conquerors could never be a small fusion after all.

In modern times, when Whitebeard and Roger have fallen (who were said to have fused exactly once, and never again, as Whitebeard rarely fused) fusions were much more visible, striking fear into every soul.

Big Mom made a habit of fusing with her compatible children, trying to create more creatures to add to her menagerie with her children’s powers. Kaidou’s men were often ordered to fuse, to overcome any odds.  Red Force, the force of the emperor Shanks and any one of his men, could be seen in a smaller state, partying on any given island.

The last time any Marine Admiral had fused had been at Marineford, when the clash of giants had cause Whitebeard to fuse, springing the giant admiral and pirate fusions to life.

The Strawhats are a legend now. Or rather, King’s Crew, the Strawhat crew fusion, is a fusion legend (though that isn’t to say the Strawhats don’t make headlines every other week.)

For every member of a crew to have a bounty is incredibly rare. To have more than five in a (stable) fusion is even rarer. To have the entire crew in one… well, it’s unheard of to say the least.

When King’s Crew rises from the ashes of the battlefield, gods learn the meaning of the human fear.

(for when emperors’ wills collide, one must dominate, leading to one will bigger than the other. But when wills become one – when dreams become one – fusions such as King’s Crew occur, shaking the very dirt of the Earth for centuries to come)

And what a Beautiful fusion they were.

Unbelievably tall and towering over giants, with rainbow black hair that stretched down to their low back. Seventeen eyes, some closed and some open, the widest being that of their Captains, and not all on the face, scattering across shoulders and necks. In place of one eye was a sloping scar, familiar to all who knew the face of Strawhat.

A smile, stretching wide across their face, sharp-toothed and half-feral half brilliant. Dimples and freckles decorate cheeks that are slightly too see-through, as if to see bone lying beneath them.  Six arms and four legs extend from their torso, dangerously half metal, fire and strong muscle. Their feet are clad in black roman sandals as black shorts are slung about their hips, and bracers decorate their clawed hands. A half skirt, made of the Straw Hat flag, ties around their waist with a wide-open slit, while their chest has only an open, printed suit vest covering it, displaying the mass of scars in the center of the chest. Spiraling tattoos of oceans and friends and jolly rogers scatter over arms as the ever-iconic straw-hat rests upon their head.

Magic seems to surround them. Fire at their feet, rubber in their skin, a demon in their heart, fur running down their back with metal and bone, extra limbs at any moment and a storm trembling overhead. Gentle fish scales slide over shoulders, glinting in the moonlight.

Demon would be the word for them, if that was able to encompass all that was King’s Crew.

Another word would be legend.

But the Straw Hat’s prefer just to call it love.

(A fusion, in its truest sense, is a symbol of a friendship beyond friendship, of a love beyond love. It has been corrupted, to mean power over the weak, for the sea is dangerous to those alone, but those like the Straw Hats, like King’s Treasure, know the truth.

To fuse is to place your soul in someone else’s hands and trust that they will regard it with nothing but love in turn.

This is why the Straw Hats fuse, and why King’s Crew is nothing but an act of loyalty and devotion to something greater than themselves.

This is fusion.

Love.)

King’s Crew, while stable, is bold and daring and rash. They are unhesitating, unwavering, and treat every decision as if fact.

They will win the battle.

They will sail to the end of the Grand Line.

They will become the pirate king (greatest swordsman, great warrior, will map the world, find the All Blue, the True History, an old friend, the cure to any disease, see the ship of dreams to the end of the line, find adventure in a world of hardship.)

They will do that.

Because with their crew, there is nothing King’s Crew can’t do.

(I can’t become pirate king without my crew! Luffy says, and after three years of sailing (after a day in the presence of their captain) the rest of the crew echoes it in turn. People fuse to become strong, but why can’t they fuse to become free?)

#fusion #this was a lot of fun!!! think ill write more in the future #also world building gfjdshui I literally cannot do any prompt without setting up some world shit lmao #whirlywhat #whirlywrites #whirlyanswers #op #one piece #straw hat pirates #monkey d. luffy #roronoa zoro #usopp #god usopp #shanks #ace #sabo #portgas d. ace #sabo the revolutionary #opau #writing #fanfiction #opfanfic #ao3

[godzillamendoza]

YouTube Is Failing. I don’t know if I can keep this up forever.

I think its time I gave some of my take on this whole thing going on lately. If you’re unaware, YouTube is striking content for very silly reasons, some of which it refuses to explain. Videos get demonetized for no reason now because YouTube’s AI is biased to pick on certain channels, and the whole thing is trying to push a more family friendly, ant-controversy feeling. A lot of people are talking about the way the system works now, how creators are effected, and how there’s not much hope of fixing it. I decided that I wanted to talk about how its affecting me on an emotional level, having this anvil on a string above my head with “not suitable for all advertisers” written on it. 

As per usual, here’s a stream of consciousness rant about where I feel like all this is going for myself personally. Some of this I wrote down while texting a friend on the subject and then realizing that these points were probably important to share on a broader scale. 

I love making videos on this platform, but I feel like we're running on borrowed time. ​Its only a matter of time before this is not long financially viable and I have to drop all hopes of using it as a career. I've wanted to make it as a YouTuber since I started watching the site in 2008 and made my own channel in 2010. Now it feels like right when I'm making progress and have an audience, I'm only weeks out from getting shanked by the system and left to bleed in a gutter while my loving followers stand in a circle and panic while they fail to close the wound. Then I’ll be left to start over in some other entertainment field that's far less accessible than YouTube once was. All my life I’ve wanted to be a public persona and an entertainer. Ever since I was a kid. I felt it most when I became isolated and alone in middle school. But I’m getting ahead of myself. 

A lot of people begged me to start the Patreon as a last ditch effort to keep a steady flow of revenue before the bot inevitably notices all the times I committed to dark comedy and swear words in my videos.  Now, the thing is, Patreon and stream donations are entirely dependent on the kind of audience loyalty I have.  ​If I can't continue to grow as a channel, that audience stagnates.  ​If I can't keep providing videos for that audience, they will stop caring, regardless of how loyal they are right now.  They can't keep donating to someone who isn't posting videos anymore. Its a waste of their money and I don’t think they should do that. ​The paradox is that if I can't keep producing in a way that narrowly slips past the censors and bots, I will implode, but the more content I produce, the closer I get to being unable to make more content.  I need a steady stream of content going or else I'll be forgotten. I can't keep a steady stream if YouTube is kneecapping creators in favor of whoever gets them the most cash. If the money doesn’t keep flowing, I’ll have to get a normal job and then have even less time to make videos, meaning that I’ll just get closer and closer to having to quit entirely because its going back to being a profitless hobby that’s distracting me from being responsible and working for a living. 

I’ve heard others tell me that I can get by if I just go PG with the whole thing. That’s more difficult than it may seem.  ​I'd be unable to put out a lot of gameplay videos because games are almost always violent and Kyle and I almost always cuss because that’s how my friend and I communicate. That’s our normal banter. Censoring that to fit the guideline and talking to each other with restrictions becomes disingenuous and its more clear that I’m trying to do the video to appease YouTube than to have fun. However,  ​I can avoid cussing in reviews. In fact, in the Marvel nemesis review I said "shit" once and zero f-words.  That wasn't even intentional honestly, I just didn't have a reason to swear that much. I think in my scripted material, I can exercise self control and avoid more adult oriented language and material, but that sort of limits the tone and humor people have come to expect from me and like about my channel. 

My goal from day one was to be a comic channel that can have fun and isn’t quite as rigid or sterile as the others. Other comic channels do two things. They look at the material as something to be taken too seriously and avoid having any kind of humor towards it, often functioning as a sort of fanboy echo chamber to perpetuate safe and sterile opinions on this material without having a sense of identity or memorability. The other thing they do is become this sort of manufactured and dishonest figure, by really jumping on the train to make easy money and ride the sudden popularity of the medium that sprang up in the past decade. They report on and commentate on comics, but they often feign interest in it or turn their nose up at it with a subtlety that says to me, “I secretly think this is ridiculous and people who like this are more so, but they give me money so whatever lol Spider-Man radiation semen in Spider-Man Reign, remember that?????? I’ve never even read that story but I bring it up constantly for the lulz” I honestly fucking despise both. I felt like most comic channels (with exceptions of course) gave this medium a bad name by taking it too seriously or not seriously enough. I thought the thing that made me unique was by staying in the middle and making jokes where appropriate, but also expressing my genuine love and fascination at others. And it was working. People were noticing and I was picking up steam. Now in the past few weeks, I feel like I’ve been unable to increase my audience. I can’t seem to gain subscribers in the pace I used to, and even my comic book related videos are under-performing. I don’t think this is the fault of my current audience, I think they’re more excited than ever. I think its that the system is becoming increasingly hostile towards creators and making it harder to get noticed and build upon an established audience unless it was ALREADY massive. Channels with 2 million+ subs get promoted more and more, while channels with only a few thousand are either getting dismantled by the robot or just struggling to ice-skate uphill and get more views. Some mothafuckas’ always trying to ice skate uphill.  So in addition to being worried about being unable to keep making things the way I do without losing financial stability, I’m also worried that I won’t be able to keep growing with the safe and sterile content I’d have to make to keep being financially stable, and the way I’m making things currently is also being actively ignored by YouTube because I don’t spam 15 videos a day to stay relevant in the eyes of the promotion bot. Its a 3 pronged problem. You can almost turn it into some kind of complex equation. But the end result is that I’m getting stuffed from 3 different angles and its looking more grim as I go. In all honesty, I don’t see my channel surviving past the end of 2018. I can already imagine myself making a teary eyed video explaining that I can’t do this anymore because I can’t afford to pay my bills.

Honestly, this is very stressful for me. The thing I love doing most, the thing that I felt like gave my life meaning for the past 3 years... its being taken away little by little. I used to get made fun of for the things I liked. People actively avoided me in school for the comic books and video games because those weren't cool things to them. Now people respect me for liking those things and think I'm cool for knowing so much about both. I took my weakness and made it a strength.  I have this legion of amazing people that treat me like I'm important now and I feel like once I can't provide entertainment for them anymore, they'll forget about me. And then I'll just have to work at the grocery store and never express my ideas and opinions. I'll just get set back to being a face in the crowd that barely anyone talks to. I don’t know what to do anymore. Best I can hope for is to just keep making things for my small but respectable audience. I’ll keep making them laugh and making them think and then when I can’t do it anymore, we’ll part ways and I’ll find a new way to entertain. And I’ll just pray to whatever’s out there that those fans will remember the times I made them laugh or made them think, and they’ll smile and ask “whatever happened to GodzillaMendoza?” And hopefully they’ll find me in whatever new corner of the world I’m in trying to make a living being creative, and they’ll support that new dumb endeavor. I really feel like I have something to give to the world as a creator. Its just hard to do that sometimes, but generations before mine had it harder. Steven Spielberg and John Carpenter and pre-scumbag-George Lucas all had their own uphill battles becoming household names. They had to fight to put their ideas out there in a vacuum. The sad reality is, for a short time in society, it became super easy to be a big name creative type, no matter what you looked like, what you were into, and where you were from. For a time, anyone could have made it to the big-time. I’m trying my best, and maybe through some sheer accident I can be one of those people. But as it is now, it looks like I may have hopped on just a few years too late. It won’t be easy anymore. It’ll go back to being this infinite struggle to be heard or noticed. Both as a person, and as a creative voice. I dread that feeling, but I suppose deep down, I’m ready for it. 

Being me was never meant to be easy. With every personal struggle, every abusive father, every financial hurdle, every cheating girlfriend and broken heart, every lie I’ve been told by someone I trusted, every cruel school bully, every time I had to fall back on a handful of pills to make it through the day without collapsing... with all of that plus run-on sentences-- I’ve gotten used to fighting to simply exist. Maybe this is just part of that. I can’t exist without art. Videogames, comics, movies, books, every other kind. It all makes me who I am, and its all I feel like I can give to the world. I’ll keep trying to give that until there’s nothing left of me. I never wanted to be rich and famous. I just wanted to live comfortably and stress-free doing the things that make me happy. Being an adult for a year and being responsible for myself taught me there’s no such thing as living comfortably or stress-free. Its always a battle with the world and yourself. So fuck it, I guess I’ll just keep going anyway. Live through the despair with blind hope and just pretend that I’m not freaking out constantly. This is going to get a lot worse and might not ever get better, but I can’t give up. I’m not particularly handsome. I can’t be some innovative inventor that will fix society’s problems. I don’t have the influence to reshape society and make the world more peaceful with a silver tongue. 

All I can do is try to make living on Earth a little more fun for other people with this warped imagination of mine. Without sharing my creativity, I really have nothing left. I won’t live through that.

#YouTube #Rant #Personal Feeling

[spilling-thoughts-blog1]

a collection of my honest (yet irrelevant) thoughts. | wednesday 8/30/2017 |

current adventure: college. 

I feel stupid sitting on a bench on campus writing a post to (possibly) nobody; but after 3 classes (with another one today) spanning these first three days of college, I feel like I need to write it out. crying can only relieve so much in all honesty. so emo, my apologies. 

classes started Monday, 8/28/30 and from the moment I woke up on Sunday, I've felt so empty and drained despite only taking two hour-and-twenty-minute long classes. Monday was okay. Class let out 30 minutes early, and since it was my only class of the day I walked a few blocks down to Girlfriend’s campus. Her school is insanely nice, just my style. Very industrial, modern, and taken care of. A drastic difference to my school. 

Its dirty and old (not a cute-worn though, it just looks like it hasnt been taken care of) and the kids are crusty bums. Granted, Girlfriend’s school has weirdos, lots of them, but theres a sense of safety because you know they won't try to shank you if you bump them! I don't have that luxury here. Her school is a private art school, mine is just the local community college. gotta save those dollars.

Anyways. On Monday I sat on a bench (at Girlfriend’s school,) similar to this one, but I had the grass next to me instead of the dirt and sticks here and a young guy was cutting the lawn and it was quiet (aside from the lawnmower) and pretty and I felt like I was at home. The guy was nice, he felt bad asking me to move for a second so he could cut the grass next to me. If I was at my school I bet they would have just mowed right over my folders. Girlfriend got out of class after about an hour of me sitting on her campus and I got to see her for a few minutes, really the only other time I’ve seen her aside from the 20 minute car ride to school (which is two days a week keep in mind.) 

We used to hang out everyday. Senior year was the best because I got to see her during practically every period (1st, 2nd, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th actually... that is a lot lol) and then we would hang out after school. Perk of your girlfriend not driving- you have an excuse to see her more often; she has to run errands, she needs a ride home, she needs a ride to, etc etc. 

The smell of funnel cake keeps distracting me. I don't think theres any funnel cake, it just smells fried and sweet because the cafeteria is behind me and I'm getting hungry for the first time this week.

Not seeing her is one of the shittiest parts of college so far. I really miss her. Her classes are super long, each one at least 2 hours long I believe, and even though our schools are less than a 10 minute walk from each other, I can't see her because when she gets out of class, I'm just going into class. I also hate not seeing any familiar faces. Yeah, you have to make friends blah blah blah, but its a shock going from my nice high school with students I’d gone to school with since middle school; some even elementary school to this. sounds privileged, in know... I don't know why it keeps surprising me as well seeing full on adults walking into classes. Good for them though. 

My next class starts in 40 minutes (at 11:00 and its 10:17) but I’ll probably head up in a few. It’s a 2 hour and 50 minute class and I didn't bring any of the 6 books we have to read because I already had my two English books and I didn't want to lug 8 novels around in my backpack, especially since we haven't needed any of our books on the first day. But then again, its a 3 hour class and I doubt we’ll get out that early. 

Ew it smells like kerosene... not my favorite smell by far. They're setting up lame tables and tents and “Week of Welcome” activities. Will I participate? no. Am I the cause of my misery and tears thus far? Mostly. 

I read up on all of my professors I could find on “rate my professor” and this next one seems super fun. He has like, 4.4/5 review and apparently he's hot. everyone said his class is easy too which is a bonus. The reviews weren't too wrong about my Comp 2 professor, they didn't speak too highly of her. Right now I'm not a fan. She comes to class 5 minutes before it begins and seems very disorganized. I really don't like that. My Psych teacher is an absolute loon, but I feel like thats to be expected from a community college psychology professor. No offense if thats what you want to be, or if your favorite professor (or family member) is one. Just my honest thoughts. 

The sun came out, thats nice. Eases my anxiety a little bit when its nice out. 

Jesus Christ (pardon my language if it offends you) Chris brown just started blaring out of the welcome week speakers. they're trying to make this shitty cheap ass campus a party. no thank you. “now everybody put your hands in the air. yeah yeah yeah.” its lit. sense the sarcasm.

Hopefully this class will be better and when I get home (1:50 can't come soon enough) the feeling of empty darkness inside of me that has lingered for the past 3 days will subside a little bit. I won't get my hopes up. I should start a tear jar, a warning to seniors.

WHEN I SAY I WANT TO SEE FAMILIAR FACES I DONT MEAN THE CRUSTY MEAN FUCKBOYS I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH. I WANT TO SEE MY FRIENDS; OH WAIT, THEYRE ALL OVER ACHIEVERS AND NICE KIDS AND ARE AWAY AT SCHOOLS LIVING FUN LIVES AND BEING HAPPY, OR AT PRIVATE SCHOOLS RIGHT DOWN THE STREET BUSY DOING AMAZING ART. now its glamorous. good thing Fergie spells G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S because I don't think half of these kids can.

its been a while, its almost 5:30 now. my 3 hour class was boring as hell. he is not hot, nor young and he was 5 minutes late to class. you can hear him suck back his snot every few minutes and choke on it a little. but his class will be easy so thats great. I'm just questioning whether I need it or not. 

I haven't cried yet today, we’ll see how I feel later though. I miss Girlfriend. She’ll be home soon but I’ll bet you she’ll have to eat dinner as soon as she gets home, and then she’ll start her homework. nobody disrupts her art, not even me so I'll get to talk to her before bed for a few before I pass out at 10:00. It sucks because I was supposed to see Her Friday after my morning class ends, because she doesn't have class but then my new manager asked if I could come in. so instead of finally spending a day with her I'll be getting trained. my old manager is starting at the new store which is why I'm coming with him, but he has to get trained first, so really, its like starting a new job completely. I don't know why I decided it would be a good idea to switch jobs the first week of school. granted, there was no way in hell I would have stayed at my old job. I just should have waited until this first God awful week was over. but thats just my luck. 

Im always so tired now. I say always like its been a few weeks of school when really its been 4 days. mom asked if I wanted to go on a walk with the family, and of course I said no. “it’ll be good for your mental health” ahh I see, she can see me slowly slipping downhill again and wants to prevent it. well, I don't think a walk is going to make me feel much better about the fact that my school is dirty and the hallway I was in for my last class smelled horrible, which obviously worsened my mood, and the added fact that I'm starting a new job this week and don't know what I should wear. oh, and the other fact that I don't get to see my girlfriend anymore already and its only been 4 days. 

I had a bad feeling when She had her orientation and made her schedule. I new going to different schools would be horrible, but I didn't realize it would be like this. she's actually having fun and enjoying herself and making a few friends, and then theres me and I'm miserable and still have yet to speak to anyone really and she can't text in class when I'm out of class and I can't text in class when she's out. so thats great. I'm just waiting for the day she says someones flirting with her and she doesn't hate it. perks of dating a poly. I can't say no and deny her, especially when I'm not doing anything for her, or even seeing her, when someone else sees her almost every day. here come the watery eyes. plus, those kids are so much like her, they share her biggest passion. She always says she could never date someone who does what she does because it would be too much competition, but I feel like she's going to meet a photographer or videographer and it’ll be different enough to not impede on her talent, but it'll be similar enough that it’s great conversation and bonding. I'm just a jealous girlfriend, and college for us is looking to be the way I thought it would.

so, a summery for my future self who doesn't want to listen to this pity party:

Wednesday august 30, 2017. college sucks, I cry everyday, I hate my cheap dirty school and lame ass professors, I hardly see Girlfriend already, her experience is going great and I’m stressed af about starting a new job. countdown to the end of the semester-  74 days, 15 weeks, roughly 3.75 months, aka, too long to keep doing this shit. 

#college #thoughts on college #school #sad #thoughts #journal #august #back to school #first year #freshman #college freshman #lonely #I hate school #I hate college #college Is the worst #irrelevant thoughts