amons-abyss - Tumblr blog

amons-abyss · 2 years

Text

1/9/21 @10:45pm

Some days I found myself making excuses for him even though I knew better. Sometimes I tried to reason that the man I knew and remembered just might be depressed and need me to hold his hand and ask him how he’s doing and let him break down to me like he always did even though I was the one that desperately needed the comfort and to break down. Sometimes for him I want to cast my anger aside and forget the things he’s said and done because I think if I don’t then where will we ever be but then I remind myself that isn’t fair that it’s always me having to be there for him when clearly he cares so little for me. Sometimes I ask myself are we just weathering the seasons and we’re finally seeing the ugly sides of each other we don’t like. Should I be more patient with him and remember that as people we are fallible? Is he depressed and is crying out for help? I make up excuses all day long some days because I can’t fathom his behavior but then other days I tell myself no he knows what’s he’s doing and he doesn’t care and I’ve pitied him enough and forgiven him in the past but enough is enough. This isn’t pride getting in the way, this is about walking away from someone that continues to hurt me and does nothing to change his behavior. This is about finally choosing more as I’ve always known I deserve. But that was the thing about my love for him it was boundless and abundant. No matter how many times I uprooted the weeds, they’d always grow back in a different area and stronger.

Via (Amons-abyss)

6 notes · View notes

amons-abyss · 3 years

Text

Maybe the reason it bothered me so much was because it was finally something tangible. Something I could see and that was right in front of my eyes. In that moment I could see that it was real. He was actually with her and not just behind closed doors but in public at a party for everyone else to see. She was his girlfriend and no matter what was going on with us, it was time for me to acknowledge it. She’s his girlfriend and I’m nobody to him.

-7/1/21 (Via amons-abyss)

5 notes · View notes

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

I have learned many times over and in the hardest of ways that people don’t care how they treat you. They will say and do whatever they want if it means they’ll be unscathed in the end.

-8/22 (Via amons-abyss)

11 notes · View notes

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

February 2020

I refuse to keep running in circles with you. I want something more. The fact that someone held my hand in public for the first time ever and you and any other person who came before or after you had never done so, I can’t forgive you for.

(Via amons-abyss)

1 note · View note

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

Last year on this day, I was waiting in an airport to go visit him again but this time with the rest of our friends. I was anxious just as I had been the time before and every other reunion before that, except this time it was different. I wasn’t happily anxious, I was terrified of how the events of that weekend would play out. I needed the escape, everything at home was falling apart and as always he lended me his hand in a time I needed it without him ever knowing. My biggest concern was not leaving Boise the same way I felt the first time. I didn’t know it back then but I know now that I would leave feeling worse than I had ever felt before.

-All has been said and done now but this is what remains. 7/11/20 (Via amons-abyss)

0 notes

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

9/5

I believe some things are just far too coincidental. Maybe this happened for a reason or maybe I was just stupid and fell into your bullshit once again but maybe I wasn’t meant to step off this toxic carrousel just yet or perhaps I stayed on too long and now I missed my chance to ever get off.

-(Via amons-abyss)

1 note · View note

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

March 2020

I was so damn angry I could set the world on fire. Some days I felt like I contained my rage well and other days I felt like it was slipping out of every pore. I would lie and say I didn’t know where it came from or how it started but I knew exactly the root from which it stemmed. I was angry at how people treated the state of my existence.

I existed only when it was convenient for them (Via amons-abyss)

10 notes · View notes

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

8/27 @9:35am

You make me feel like I’m hard to love when my love for you has only ever been patient.

-(Via amons-abyss)

3 notes · View notes

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

8/26 @10:30pm

It hurts that you’re not by my side. It hurts that I’m going through this alone. It hurts that this is what I expected. It hurts that you hung out with her and have barely seen me. It hurts that your biggest concern is being a playboy. It hurts that you’re treating me like a random girl off the street that means nothing to you. It hurts that I have to even tell you what hurts and you don’t know it’s foul. Every little thing you do hurts. And I just wish for once you’d love/treat me in the way that I deserve.

-(Via amons-abyss)

1 note · View note

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

My love for you has always been too patient. Somehow I always give you the benefit of the doubt and too many chances. I don’t know if that just makes me stupid or a person who loves you too much because I rarely fault you for the destruction you bring.

-8/24 (Via amons-abyss)

0 notes

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

8/22 @5:35pm

I was finally alone and able to cry if I needed. It had taken a lot for me to remain strong and pretend as if this wasn’t really bothering me. Truth is I was allowing it to poison my mind although I wish I didn’t let it. But it hurt, just like the first time all over again. We were reopening old wounds.

-(Via amons-abyss)

1 note · View note

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything but I guess that means I’m back to writing from a place of pain.

-Everything is not alright. 9/5 (Via amons-abyss)

1 note · View note

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

On the way home, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What did it mean and where would things go from there? Was holding hands with someone in public really that big of a deal? And how did I feel about it? Then finally, it struck me. I didn’t really know how to feel but that was because I had never openly publicly had someone show me affection such as this.

And for that reason alone, I was both happy and sad. (Via amons-abyss)

4 notes · View notes

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

You make me feel warm, safe, and cared for. And the fact that this may not go anywhere, makes me profusely sad. When I’m with you, I feel at peace and I understand not every connection you make with someone needs to result in something grand but it just seems as if every time I find someone who makes me feel like letting go of my commitment issues, the timing seems to be off or the odds are just stacked against us.

2/24/20 (Via amons-abyss)

3 notes · View notes

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

I probably could’ve cried my eyes out about it for the next millennia because that’s how much I cared but I didn’t let myself shed a tear. It was a type of hurt that I couldn’t even bring myself to cry, all I could do was be strong and carry on but every time he did something to cause me pain, it was always the same and I wondered why. Did I not care enough or was he just never worth my tears because I knew he was somewhere in the world going about his life acting like he didn’t give a damn.

2/24/20 (Via amons-abyss)

2 notes · View notes

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

Before I met you, I don’t think I ever met someone and thought to myself “we were made for disaster.” I don’t think I ever fought so hard to try and make someone permanent. Us seperating this time around, brought me to the rightful conclusion that my fantasy was and will never be a reality. For awhile, I wished for you to always be around in whatever capacity that meant. Whether it was for my engagement party, kids birthday, holiday dinners, or just a housewarming party. I wanted to make you family like I know the rest of my friends are. I never wanted to ask a friend in 10 years “how is he?”I wanted to be able to ask you myself but sometimes life doesn’t work out that way.

11/7/19 (Via amons-abyss)

9 notes · View notes

amons-abyss · 4 years

Text

It was always someone else. Always another hidden option that became victor.

(Via amons-abyss)

6 notes · View notes