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detachedminxsfics · 2 years

Text

A Broad History

Characters: Negan x Ex-Saviour F!Reader

Summary: When the sanctuary and Negan fell at the hands of Rick you fell out of touch with Negan, going many years without one word. But the council brings you together again for a supply run.

Word count: 3.5K+

Warnings: NSFW - Mentions of sexual encounters, implied subtle power play dynamic, angst & fluff, xtra DILFy S10 Negan, decent use of the word fuck because comic accurate Negan *chefs kiss*

A/N: Sorry it has taken me so long to upload a new oneshot!! I fell into a writer's block that lead to 3 unfinished Negan pieces, but managed to finish this one on a whim. Enjoy! :)

There would have been no way of you ever anticipating the words that just came out of Gabriel's mouth, let alone something like this propelled by the council.

"The council has suggested you and Negan make a supply run not too far out. We've scouted the area before and you shouldn't run into too much trouble."

You stared at him like a deer in headlights, and he picked up on your ambivalence immediately.

"We figured given your...previous history, it'd be a good idea tactically."

That much was true, you and Negan had a broad history. If Simon was Negan's right hand man you were his right hand woman. You pushed yourself, always picking up the extra work and inevitably landing in Negan's line of sight. You found a way into the inner circle, sat in on meetings more and more frequently, and eventually, Negan's bed. It was a controversial relationship to say the least. Negan had forbade adultery for his many wives, but excluded himself from this principle. You weren't a wife, and you never would be. You were by his side at the fall of the saviours, held back when Rick slashed his throat open. Every part of you burned to help him and put a stop to it. But you couldn't, and so you grieved. You hadn't spoken to him since that day. No cell visits, no small conversation even in spite of him leaving his cell more often now to carry out various tasks of menial labour, nothing. When he'd be working on a structure by the street hammering a nail into one of the wood beams, he'd look at you. You knew it, you could feel it. His stare was fixed on you, eyes burning holes into the back of your head everytime you had to pass him.

"Fine, but I want this shit to be accredited. People need to stop giving me hell just because we used to be together, I'm tired of it. I've busted my ass for this place and I'd do it again. So I don't want to feel like a criminal anymore."

Gabriel nodded in sincere acknowledgment.

"That's fair enough. We've packed bags with supplies for you both, just come and collect them when you're ready. Be safe."

Footsteps fell along the road as you headed towards the location that had been drawn on a map for you both, walking silently beside one another as you dared not say a thing. To say that this was strange was an understatement. You'd barely left Alexandria at this point, and yet you could see Negan fighting the urge not to speak in your peripheral. You could cut a knife through this tension, and Negan was readily equipped.

"This gig could be anywhere between 2 or 4 days long depending on how fast we move, you really not gonna speak to me that entire time?"

The sigh that left your lips blew cool clouds of air in front of your face due to the chilly atmosphere, and you stopped in your tracks, eyes squeezed shut as you gathered what you were trying to say. When you opened them he was standing right in front of you, staring attentively as your lips parted to speak.

"It's been what, 8 years? What am I even supposed to say to you Negan?"

He raised his brows in that condescending surprise type of way, and scoffed.

"Ohh I don't know, maybe you could start with why you cut me off the moment Sanctuary fell? Why you couldn't even be bothered to come visit me while I was locked behind steel bars?" His voice raised ever so slightly, an assertive tone as he scolded you for your supposed negligence.

You furrowed your brows and composed yourself, this wasn't the right time or place. The sun would go down before you know it, and you were both standing right out in the middle of the road. Got to keep moving.

"Negan listen, we can't do this right now, okay? We have a job to do. So let's start trekking through the woods and find somewhere to hole up before it gets dark. If you've got my back, I've got yours."

It was as reasonable an offer as you could make, his eyes softening a little at your de facto approach.

"Alright, I got you."

Awkwardly you stood a little longer, exchanging glances and a brief nod with the newly established compromise. Then you headed into the woods, and the journey was afoot. Navigating through the forest was a little harder, but it was better than being right out in plain sight on a main road. A walker or two would jump out occasionally, and you'd deal with them accordingly. Apart from this time. Negan drove his blade through the first walker whilst you pushed your knife into the head of the second, about to pull it out and retrieve your weapon when an unaccounted for third jumped you. Subsequently you let go of the walker you'd just killed, and it fell to the ground with your knife lodged inside of its head. You'd had no time to retrieve it, and this undead asshole was shoving against you hard. You held your hands against it in an attempt to stop it from getting any closer and tried to ground the sole of your shoes into the forest floor below you. But you were sliding, your back eventually colliding with the tree you'd been backed into.

"Negan!" Your yell was strained and panicked, more of a plead than you would have liked. But this thing was leaning in, closer and closer to gnashing your face off.

Relief washed over you as its groans and biting motion ceased, Negan having shoved his blade into its decayed head and ripped it out afterwards, and you pushed it to the ground. You bent over and placed your hand on your knees to catch your breath, that was close. Through your attempt to gain control of your irregular breathing you'd barely felt the hands that lifted you upright before they slid up to your face and rested on your rosy cheeks, holding your face in his hands.

"Hey hey, you okay?"

Flashback//

Gunfire sounded off in the distance as you and Negan headed through the woods. It had all gone wrong, a total mess. We'd underestimated the vast resources of the new community Negan had planned to hit, and we were paying the price. Saviours and the community's people alike were dead, and what was left of us would have to fight or retreat our way back to the Sanctuary. When the shit hit the fan you'd made your way out with Negan, unsure who else was worth going with. You didn't know each other awfully well, but you were all the two of you had until you reached the location Negan had told you that he'd arranged to be picked up nearby. He was lucky to have been able to radio back to Sanctuary and ask that someone come out here to collect him.

"You okay back there?"

Even trailing behind him he must have heard the subtle way you held your breath as you braved through the pain scorching through your right leg. One of those assholes had managed to slash you before you dropped him, got you right in the thigh. You'd ripped off some of the bottom of your shirt to create a makeshift bandage and tie around the top of your thigh to slow the bleed, but it was only a matter of time with a wound like this.

"One of those bastards got me, gashed my damn thigh."

Negan stopped and turned to face you, and so you did the same.

"Let me take a look."

He made his way over to you and lowered down to the ground with bent knees and a groan, now eye level with your nasty wound. He'd tucked Lucille under his arm in order to use both hands, the barbed wire quietly grinding against the material of his black leather jacket. The fabric around your wound had been ripped slightly allowing him to place his hands either side of your leg and take a close look at it causing you to hiss as the leather of his gloves brushed against your skin.

"Shit!"

"Sorry, that is one nasty cut you got there pretty girl."

Distracted by the pain you decided to gloss over the fact that he'd called you pretty and shifted your weight on your left leg. After taking a look he leant back up, using his hand to pull Lucille from the crook of his arm and wield her again.

"Let's keep moving, get back to the Sanctuary and I'll take you to doc. Hell, hopefully we run into some of the others."

You nodded and began limping behind him again after he continued his stroll, it couldn't be much longer now. Not long after the rustle of leaves caught your attention, a sound far too distanced to be your own or Negan's, and your hand smoothed over the pistol holstered onto your side. That was when it happened. One of the community's people leapt out of the trees with a machete in hand, and it was headed straight for Negan. He hadn't heard the noise as well as you had, and it was too late for him to react now. Instinctively, you whipped the pistol from your holster and fired, landing a clean shot into the side of the dude's head. He fell to the ground with machete raised still in hand, the blade having hovered just over Negan's face. When he hit the ground with a thud Negan let out an adrenaline induced laugh, turning to you with one hell of a smile.

"Holyy crap, you're a damn good shot."

With a smile of thrill still playing on his lips he made his way back over to you, this time tucking Lucille under his arm and nudging himself against your side. He took hold of your wrist in order to lift your arm and sling it around his neck. His free hand wrapped around your waist to support you whilst the other took hold of his precious baseball bat once again. He'd shifted the weight off of your leg now, and you sighed in relief at the dissipation of pressure.

"Thanks." Negan muttered now, a little more serious than he had just been prior.

"Don't mention it." You replied, sparing a glance to turn your head and look at him.

He turned to face you then too.

"You're a damn firecracker, I can tell. Me and you are gon' get on real well."

Negan smiled after that, less of a wide smile and more of a smirk. You could've sworn his sight was flickering between your eyes and your lips.

\\Present

"You still with us?" Negan said with a hint of playfulness, and you nodded in response.

"Yeah sorry just, thinking."

He narrowed his eyes a little curious and confused, but brushed it off. His thumbs had been smoothing over your cheeks as he held you when you trailed off causing him to slowly take his hands away from your face, now giving you the space you needed to stand straight and begin walking again.

"C'mon, lets keep moving."

He didn't follow after you immediately, maybe he was thinking too.

The sky had began to darken, the sun in its gradual descend when you finally stumbled across a cabin. You thanked some sort of high power in your mind the moment you caught sight of it, and then you and Negan made your way inside. Cautiously, you both began making your way around the cosy cabin, nudging open the doors of rooms and checking for any signs of life, especially the rotting ones. When neither of you found anything you began to settle in for the night. With some of your things now unpacked and the bags in their allocated locations Negan had began preparing dinner. Amazingly enough this place had a fireplace that he was able to use to cook the rabbit you'd found and killed on the way. It wasn't much, but the rations you had been given from Alexandria wouldn't last long, and you needed to conserve them for as long as possible. Wordlessly, Negan had cooked and passed you your portion of food. You hadn't said much since he tried to interrogate you after you left Alexandria. However now you were sat down, slumped down in the armchairs either side of the fireplace and directly opposite one another. You'd tried to focus on your food, but you couldn't keep looking down into your lap. Occasionally, your eyes would flicker up to meet his and betray you, and after the approximately fifth time Negan broke the silence.

"You know I thought about her a lot down there, Lucille."

You did your best not to let your eyes widen too far, feeling like your eyes might pop out of their sockets. Negan had opened up to you about his one and true wife once, and you were sure that would be all you were ever gonna get. You wouldn't pressure him to share any more, and he never spoke of her again, until now.

"She loved me even when I was a mess, when I was a total asshole screwing around on her. She was everything to me, and when she...I knew I would never feel love like that again. Then I met you."

You finally looked up to meet his eye, and if it were physically capable your skin would be stark white with sheer shock.

"So when they put me in that cell, let me watch everybody thrive and move on exactly as Rick wanted, I never expected you to be one of those people. Maybe, that you would at least look at me. Be the one person that didn't wanna cave my skull in for doing something and being somebody that they weren't even there for."

You swallowed in order to clear your mouth of food and spoke, almost cutting him off in the process.

"I never stopped loving you Negan, you kept me up at night. I laid awake thinking about you, lost sleep over you. But I, I don't know how to explain it. It felt like you were dead, and I was grieving the loss of you, but you were still alive. And when too much time had passed I didn't know what to do anymore, thought maybe you would've hated me."

"That's bullshit and you know it." Though the words seemed harsh he said and intended for them to be soft, a half smile as he meant for you to know that you were stupid for ever thinking that for one second he could hate you.

You smiled a little at the sight of his total refusal to ever truly despise you, and at him for crushing the doubt in your mind that he had ever felt that way towards you whilst down there.

"You remember what I said to you, after the first time we-" Negan whistled at the end of his sentence to signify the first time you two had screwed, and you laughed.

Flashback//

The leather of Negan's sofa creaked beneath you as you periodically leant forward and retrieved another empty mag, loaded it, and then put it down into the impromptu pile you'd made. Negan had insisted that he had something to speak to you about, from his bedroom of all places, and you promptly reminded him that you had work to do. So you brought your work with you and Negan was sat beside you, watching you.

"Hey." Though he'd spoke clearly enough you were so invested in your task that you'd barely heard him, leading him to grab your wrist and force you to halt what you were doing.

"Hey, jeez girl slow down for a minute, can I talk to you or not?"

He'd startled you a little by taking sudden hold of you, but you decided the work would have to wait.

"Fine."

You put the mag you'd been loading back down onto the glass coffee table before turning to face him. In order to be more comfortable you'd lifted both of your legs onto the sofa, resting your bent knees atop his regularly straightened out legs, his shoes brushing against the carpeted rug down on the floor. This sitting position made the two of you rather close, but you tried not to think too much of it. Sometimes when you were both working through things in the meeting room Negan would pull up a chair and sit directly beside you so that you could talk easier, and you'd swing your legs up to rest across his lap. You were both so used to it now.

"So, what's up?"

"Look, I may be getting ahead of myself here, but you're just so fucking hot. You're an awesome shot, you're smart, and you've got some massive nuts for a lady. And if you'd like, I'd love to fuck you. Serious or not, I'm down."

It was so forward, more forward than anyone had ever been with you, and at first you weren't sure how to react.

"You'd really be okay with strings attached?"

To say that you had never had even the smallest feelings for Negan would be a total lie, it was bound to happen. But when it had you'd crushed it in fear that it would end badly for the both of you. Negan had rules, and offending him too greatly could've cost you your position.

"Cross my heart baby." He uttered those words with an assuring and most sickly self-satisfied grin, nonchalantly running his tongue across the bottom of his top teeth with slightly parted lips.

That had been enough for you, and you leaned forward smashing your lips against his. For some of your intimacy you spent it on the sofa, sitting on his lap in nothing but panties as you ran your hands down his bare chest, and he smoothed over your lower back. Then you'd moved over to the bed, suppressing the most foul of whimpers as he ground into you for what felt like hours. When you both finally had enough you were laying beside him pressed into his side, head rested against his chest as his arm was wrapped around you in order to pull you closer.

"Look at me." Negan murmured softly, prompting you to look up at him, chin still resting against his chest. He reached his hand over and gently took hold of your chin, lifting your head in order to get a better look at you. He wanted your full undivided attention.

"For as long as this shithole world spins, I will never stop loving you. So long as I can continue to count on you I won't ever abandon you, and you belong to me. Okay?"

And there he went again, speaking without the slightest filter. His words overwhelmed you, and it was powerful. There was nothing but the utmost genuinity in his gaze.

"Okay, likewise."

Negan throatily chuckled as you flashed a mischievous smile, obviously implying that that made him yours too.

"That's my girl."

Using the hold on your chin he brought your lips towards his and leaned down to close the gap, pressing them against yours. When he'd initially called you in it had been late at night with a pitch black star-filled sky, but it was dawn now. Sunlight breached through the small window at the top of the wall furthest from the bed, and the beams shone down into the room.

//Present

"Of course I do, I'll never forget it."

"Well that still stands." Negan blinked slowly as his jaw tensed, anticipating your response.

Instead of verbalising one you set your food aside and slowly stood to your feet, taking hesitant steps across the space between you until you reached him settled down in his chair. You lifted your leg and set your foot down on the arm of his chair, shifting full weight onto one side and placing both of your hands on the top of the armchair. With the newly founded stability you hoisted yourself up and then down onto his lap, lowering yourself as gently as you could in order to not land down onto his lap too hard. When you were finally sitting on him he brushed his hands up and over to take hold of your hips, either subconsciously or purposefully, your hands still propped either side of his head as you were leaned in considerably close.

"For as long as this fucked up world spins, I will never stop loving you. So long as I can continue to count on you, I won't ever abandon you, and you're mine. Alright?"

A sly smile formed on Negan's lips as you renewed your unofficial vows, his eyes narrowed in that way he used to when he found something you were doing attractive.

"Yes ma'am, now c'mere."

And so you did, his lips moved against yours, and the feeling was unlike anything you'd felt these past few years. It was like a hole had been filled, like you were only half a person before. The sun had began to rise, breaching through the window on one side of the cabin, and it was just like the first time again. The council needed somebody to look after Negan, someone who wouldn't just let him die out of pure spite and risk a whole supply run. And they got that, but worse. They'd rekindled your love for one another.

#the walking dead negan #negan x y/n #negan x you #negan smith #twd negan #negan fanfiction #the walking dead #jeffrey dean morgan #negan twd #twd fanfiction #negan smut #negan x reader #negan fluff

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alreadyjackbestfriend · 2 years

Text

by another man. part 3 (final). jack harlow x reader

Genre: angst, fluff

A/N: if you liked this story i would really appreciate you interacting with it as i think it is the cutest thing i have ever written in my life 😩. being 6 AM, I have fulfilled my mission, it is time to sleep.

PART 1 PART 2

As you reached for the remote with one hand to change the channel, and held the bowl of popcorn with the other, the doorbell rang. you frowned, wondering who it could be.

“mom! Can you open the door please!” you yelled, expecting to hear your mother somewhere in the house. Since you had told her about your pregnancy, she hadn't separated from you, although you hadn't lived together for years, now she visited you daily. But you got no answer. “where will she have gone?” you whispered to yourself, as you put the bowl down on the coffee table and stood up. The doorbell rang again, "I'm coming!" you yelled, annoyed.

You walked to the door with lazy steps, and what you found in front of you when you opened it, made your breath catch halfway, “Jack” you whispered, because it was the only thing that your mind could process at that moment.

“Hi” he said shyly, “can I come in?”

“Oh!” you answered, coming out of your trance, “of course” you answered, opening the door wider, allowing him to pass. You adjusted your hoodie nervously, grateful that it could hide your four-and-a-half-month-old belly. You hadn't seen Jack for almost two months, and the last time you had spoken was three weeks ago, when you told him that you couldn't go on with him anymore, but you felt as if much more time had passed; the physical changes and the emotions that you had experienced in those weeks causing that sensation.

he went straight into the living room and you followed him.

“can i offer you something? Water, maybe?” you asked, and he shook his head. you just noticed the bag he had in his hand, but you didn't dare to ask, although you didn't have to wait long to find out what it was.

“No, thank you… I… I brought you something” he told you, offering you the paper-bag. you took it, feeling completely confused. You had broken his heart a few weeks ago, and now he brought you a present? However, you opened it without asking anything, finding baby clothes and shoes, “I bought neutral colors, because I guess you don't know the gender yet” he said, nervous. Your eyes filled with tears and your hands began to shake as you held the small pieces of clothing, “Hey, what’s wrong? Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry…”

you interrupted him, shaking your head and closing the space between you, hugging him tightly. The sobs making your body shake, the pain of all these months, and especially the last few weeks, making you explode, he hugged you back, wanting to do it just as tightly, but afraid of hurting you. He held you in his arms and began to caress your hair, while hiding his face in your neck. “I’m so sorry for not being here for you… really really sorry. please don’t cry, baby girl, you’re breaking my heart.” he said, but you couldn't stop.

after a few minutes, you finally calmed down enough to speak, although with a cracking voice. You separated from him and he took your hands indicating you to sit down, “I should be the one apologizing...for hiding this from you” you said looking at him and unconsciously placing one of your hands on your belly. he watched your movement, feeling immense tenderness, but at the same time, also feeling a lot of sadness.

“I think we've both made mistakes…”

“you did nothing wrong, Jack”

“yes, I did, Urban told me the truth a few days after the last time we spoke" he confessed, “And I spent almost three weeks feeling sorry for myself, instead of coming and being here for you.”

“Jack” you said in a firm voice, despite your teary eyes and flushed cheeks, as if you were scolding a small child, “you had every right to feel that way, even to be mad at me and Urban for keeping this from you.”

He nodded, “I was” he admitted, a little embarrassed.

“It’s ok Jack, I understand”

“But now I'm not, and I can only imagine how you've felt all these months, and I'm so sorry” he said, and you nodded, looking at your hands, trying really hard not to cry again, “what about… what about the dad?” he asked hesitantly, as if afraid of knowing the answer.

“she doesn’t have a dad” your blurted out.

“It’s… it’s a girl?” he asked, and when you looked up you could swear you saw sparkles in his eyes.

“yes, she is” you smiled, “actually, I found out about it two days ago”

“that’s great, y/n” he said, smiling broadly, and you nodded again, “have you thought of a name?” he asked, curious.

“in fact, i already decided it” you said excitedly, you hadn't even told your mom about your decision, Jack would be the first to know. he raised his eyebrows expectantly, “It's Emma” you finally revealed.

“Emma” Jack repeated, feeling an almost sweet taste as he spoke her name.

You were already eight months pregnant and trying to sleep was an odyssey. Jack listened as you tried to accommodate yourself over and over again, without result.

Finally, he turned on the lamp on his bedside table, and you looked back at him.

"I'm sorry" you said, "did I wake you up?"

"don't apologize, baby, you're the one who's eight months pregnant, you're entitled to anything" he said, and you laughed, making him smile for putting you out of your misery for at least a few seconds, “well, taking advantage of the fact that you can't sleep and neither can I... there is something that has been going around my head”

you looked at him, somewhat worried, "go on", and he settled on the bed to look directly at you.

“I think deep down I've wanted this since I found out about your pregnancy, but I never had the courage to tell you.” he paused, and you took a deep breath, “I've been here for four months, but if I'm honest, I want to do it all my life... I want Emma to be legally mine, I want to give her my last name”

you couldn't help but cry at what you had just heard, and with a tearful voice you didn't hesitate for a second in your answer, “of course Jack, you are her daddy already” you said sincerely, and he took your face in his hands to give you little kisses over and over again, with eyes just as teary as yours.

“Emma Harlow, our Emma” he said.

***

Jack helped you out of the car, since you were carrying a small baby in your arms, just like you had four years ago. His small blue eyes looked at you, as if analyzing your face, as if he were deciphering the identity of the woman who had carried him for nine months in her belly.

The front door of the house opened, and a four-year-old girl ran out of it, her grandmother laughing from the frame.

"Daddy!" the girl screamed, excited, exactly the same as every time she saw him.

#jack harlow fic #jack harlow fanfic #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow one shot #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x y/n #jack harlow x you #jack harlow angst #jack harlow fluff #by another man

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hearteyes-for-killmonger · 2 years

Note

can you an imagine w erik based on the song jungle by h.e.r

JUNGLE

There. Holding a papaya.. She turned and walked back to meet me at the meat stall having caught my stare. Skin like the velvet midnight, obsidian for eyes, legs like eternity. "Hey," she smiled.

---

Waking Sniff. Deep regretful sigh.

"Hello?"

Congested snort. You were knocked out. Drunk maybe? Allergies.

"You up?"

I bite my lip picturing your confusion with a smile. You picked up. We ain't spoke in a couple months but.. You still picked up.

"What time is it," your still-waking growl purrrs through my body. Low grunts. Sleepy feminine energy. "It's 4 AM," you scold.

"You been drinking? You sound like you was having a good time."

Your best friend has a birthday around this time if I remember correctly. A club? Party maybe?

"It's 4 AM."

But you picked up. I smile.

"I swearrrr I spoke to you earlier."

"The fuck are you talking about."

So serious. You wonder why I tease you.

I remember your room. Your bed.

A/C on high, freezing me. Nothing out the blanket but your bonnet and even that is probably laying on the pillow as we speak.

Another snort.. Deep sigh like you do when you're breaking your nose rubbing it. Definitely allergies.

"You wouldn't happen to have a twin?"

"Where are you now," you ask catching my drift.

"Birnin Zana. Golden City. You'd fit in here.." You sigh but, "I'm serious, you should add it to your travel list. It's safe compared to some of the other places we've been."

Your mattress creaks and I listen quietly as you sit up, more awake.

Your silence means you're probably still wondering why I left you that night. After your ultimatum: marry me or leave now. After we made what I can only describe as magic.. more than love.

"Erik?" The question of my random presence on your line tonight I can feel. "..Why did you call me?"

I know I probably lost the right to call, to care, to experience you the way I did before, but..

It's midnight.. well, 4 AM in LA..

And you answered my call.

"All week.. I've been reminded of you," I smile remembering the woman in the market just today. "I see you.. in every woman I pass on these streets.."

Your sigh tells me small talk ain't it right now.

It's not exactly why I called..

"Ever consider a DNA test? 23andme?... I really think your family might have roots in Wakanda."

"Erik, what do you want?"

It's my turn to sigh, not knowing.

Once upon a time I thought I knew, but I'm still discovering things about myself.

I'm still developing who I am.

"I wanted to hear your voice.."

Really, I needed peace. Rekindling or closure. Either way, an answer.

Are we really over or just resting?

Because I still carry you.

"You couldn't wait til morning?"

We used to talk around the clock.

I developed a habit of calling you at any hour.

You used to do the same.

"Nah.. Gotta call you while I have courage."

"You haven't called, texted, visited.. nothing. And now all of a sudden-"

I still feel the positivity that flows between us. You love me. Truly.

You have deep unanswered feelings for me like I still have for you and maybe.. if I asked.. you'd take me back.

But it wouldn't change things.

"You want what I can't give you. Not yet, I'm not ready."

I wish it was different. I truly wish I could've said yes that night. My heart's been sick about it ever since.

"I'm not gonna wait for you."

"I don't expect you to."

But I wish you would..

"How's Gianna?"

That's right.. It did hurt you when I told you I slept with her. We were supposed to be together afterall.. you'd just told me that you loved me.

But you asked.

Despite what others would have you think, anything you've asked I've always answered truthfully. Even when it hurt you.

"I wouldn't know. I haven't really spoken to her since we had sex."

It's part of why you love me.

"So, how long are you in Wakanda this time?"

"Few more days of diplomacy and it's back to the states."

You're thinking of something to say now. Overthinking.

Maybe you don't want to give us too much hope.

Maybe you're scared to let me too close.

Maybe your pride is stopping you from saying too much, just like mine. That's why I'm impatient with the silence. I'm tryna hear exactly how you feel..

About us.

Are we still good?

Am I okay calling you like this? Like before?

"Tell your cousin I said hi," you word carefully.

I'm just glad we're talking.

I miss laughing with you. Butting heads. Talking shit. Sharing space.

"Tell your bestie I said happy birthday."

"Sure.." you sigh. "You were right. We threw her a surprise dinner at Hamilton's Steakhouse and then we hit the club."

"I figured. Y'all was blacking out last year. You called me from the club drunk remember?"

"Don't remind me! I don't even remember what I said."

It's cute, you so obviously do.

But I don't mind saying it.

"You said you wanted me to come get you, but then you wanted me to fuck you on top of the bar with everyone watching after taking a shot off your stomach. You wanted me to eat your p-"

"AH LALALA OK."

"And I showed up," I smirk reminiscing. "I put you on the bar. I took that shot where I licked the salt off your stomach. And then you got shy."

"I didn't wanna get banned!"

"Scary. What happened to the rush of risky public sex?"

"I like the thrill of ALMOST getting caught."

"You're a jungle, you know that? We didn't end up doing all that you said in the bar that night, but we did do it in the car. I had to pull over, eat my temporary fill.."

Then we took it to your place.

I get lost in the memory.

Same reason I called you.

Tonight the trees were too thick, I couldn't find my way out.. so I called you.

When I'm reminded of you, I'm homesick for your bed. Your arms and legs wrapped safely and warmly around me.

And it sounds like you've been waiting.

"Yeah..," you stall changing the energy to calm what we've reignited.

It's fine. I know better than to push knowing nothing's changed in what you or I need or intend toward one another.

But I'd been seeing you around.

I missed you..

And you answered.

"Yeah..," I sigh accepting that we both made a decision.

Sometimes love isn't enough no matter how true or passionate.

"Well, goodnight.. Just wanted to talk to you."

"I'm glad you called.."

And I can feel you hanging on grasping for something to say, a reason to stay on the line.

But like you said, it's 4 AM.

#original #erik killmonger #killmonger #erik stevens #erik killmonger fanfiction #black panther killmonger #black panther fanfiction #erik killmonger imagine

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yiminsuu · 2 years

Text

Nepenthe

(n.) something that makes you forget grief or suffering.

Pairing: Týr x Goddess!Reader

Warnings: SPOILERS!!!, some angst, comfort with fluff, we love a caring Týr, implied depression, attempt at humor, Heimdall is an asshole, reader is the Greek Goddess of Time and Remembrance, mentions of incest, sweet moment with Kratos because he needs it.

Author’s Note: I just really wanted to write Týr cause I love this peaceful god, he deserved so much more. Also yeah, Kratos and reader are family, well... As much as the Greek pantheon can be called a family, because it’s all a fucking mess.

I constantly think of my mistake, a mistake that looked so innocent at first view one would laugh if they weren't in my place, trapped in a prison with no chance of ever escaping, and missing laying on the grass feeling the rain on my skin, the freezing snow, or the sun rays that once brought me warmth. Now... Now those memories are a curse in my mind, perhaps years have passed since I stepped into this realm looking for shelter, and my worries went to Kratos. Had he survived Zeus? There's only a small chance we even stumbled into the same land.

At that point I was found by the All-Father Odin, I was at my lowest, and because he gave such a heinous aura I opposed following him to Asgard, I was foolish and weak, and in no less than five seconds I was transported to Niflheim by none other than Heimdall, the damned God of Foresight, and the Aesir who possesses the resounding horn Gjallarhorn. I was not a stranger to the future of Asgard and the rest, and the fear of captivity increased significantly, Ragnarök would be the reason that I would spend eternity here and I didn't dare look into my future. I promised father I would live with no regrets no matter my position... I couldn't keep it...

With my constant sobbing came the voice of a man from the prison beside mine. "Do not cry, keep calm and your thoughts bright. Distract yourself, reflect as much as you can, and if you need somebody to speak, I will gladly indulge." For the first time since my father, I believed to have been blessed with a person with a truly good heart, and maybe the first few conversations were a tad uncomfortable, but as time passed every word spoken meant so much more. "If you wouldn't mind, would you tell me your name?" I once inquired many moons ago, and I heard a low chuckle coming from his cell. "Would the lady oblige me first?"

We never told our names, was it for safety or just being playful? I do not know, yet I preferred it this way a hundred times than knowing every single detail and losing him to Odin, or whoever entered Niflheim to kill us.

Being the incarnation of Time had its perks, but the imminent, foggy visions of the future and memories were not one of them, some nights I would wake up shaking and missing the sweet embrace of my nine young sisters. "Are you alright?" He would always question, not once sounding troubled, how can he know that his calmness helps me to remain at ease? I might never know. "Yes, just... I miss home..." I laid once again on the small amount of haycock, my eyes staring at the ceiling as I recall the day one of my sisters almost destroyed their roof with her magic, that was probably the last time I laughed.

"Do you have a family?"

"Mother and sisters, however... I lost communication with them long before being held here. How about you?" Genuinely curious, I never ceased my questions as long as he doesn't, and he is equally curious. It amuses me greatly. "A father, brothers... I wonder if they are well when my thoughts scatter." He started, pausing for a few seconds. "On occasions, I recollect the disagreements we've had, and I feel guilt for being unable of carrying out things differently." My brows furrowed unconsciously, silently stepping closer to the edge of the cell. "I believe you have done what you could. I learned time heals the wounds you choose, and there's no point in pondering about your past..."

He hummed, hearing his steps getting closer to the wall that separated us. Somehow, it is as if his back is touching mine, I feel him so close but so far away... "I remember long ago before the Aesirs destroyed the peace, the harmony once flourished in Vanaheim. Humans, dwarves, elves, giants, spirits and gods would gather for trade and travel. I would have hoped for you to live that era, instead." A smile crossed my lips, resting my head on the cold wall. "Thank you, and me too. I'm jealous of the lands that live through infinite peace..." If there's something to acknowledge after years incarcerated, is that both of us were beginning to crack and confide in each other. There were no days in which I wouldn't hear him, and we asked for stories of our lands, memories of long lost familiars, and sometimes our travels, never mentioning names. Whoever this man is, he truly fascinates me beyond belief, even more so than the Ghost of Sparta.

My eyes widened for a hot second and concern rose in my chest anew. For the love that Aphrodite bestowed upon me, I wish Kratos is alive and well, that his anger no longer consumes him and that he found some sort of happiness through all the pain he didn't deserve.

"Lady?" I heard the man calling for me gently.

"Y-Yes?"

"I was... Preoccupied. It's the fourth time I call for you." He can't see me, but I cleaned the tears from my cheeks and tried my best not to sound dejected. "Forgive me, I was distracted." It's not a lie, if it's the fourth time he calls, then my mind must've been lost in the thought of an old acquaintance, Kratos is my blood, but we didn't put much thought into that as we made our path to execute Zeus.

"There's nothing to forgive. May I ask, what has you so sorrowful?" How does he--?

"I know your voice breaks when your emotions are strong." I realized too late my cheeks were burning with embarrassment, and I stood close to the window in hopes the cold air would unwind me. The lord in the cell beside me has no idea how ashamed he made me feel. "All I do is cry and remember old memories of happier times, you have aided my need of forgetting my grief, and I have done nothing to help you..." I muttered, suppressing my desire of letting out the remaining pain from my body, I want to feel him closer, but knowing it to be impossible. "You have done more than you think." He uttered. A little closer and I could feel the heat radiating from his body, perhaps I could touch him, from the corner of my eye I could see his hand, and they were slightly bigger than I imagined.

"Will you tell me the story of when you visited the great pyramids, again...?"

I swallowed the impolite question, and I hoped he didn't think wrong of me.

"Of course, for as long as you want. Ask and I shall give."

We are nothing but mere prisoners living however we can, if he doesn't die of old age, he will of the rising cold...

And years passed with certainty, I never aged, or if I did the shattered glass showed no change in my appearance whatsoever, my hair grew longer, and my yearning for freedom vanished. Ragnarök was here, and suddenly I was no longer concerned about my fate, something I had told my friend, who didn't share my view. "That decision cannot be what truly wanders in your mind, don't tell me you have stopped caring for yourself...!" His voice was as gentle as always, but there was a hint of heaviness I never heard. He was disheartened and I had done that to him, his disappointment might be immeasurable, but for the first time, I didn't care. "I beg of you, speak to me." I didn't answer, I stared at the wall between us and my hand is placed there unconsciously while I smiled.

"You are not mortal, are you...?" I asked.

There was silence for long enough, and I heard him sigh heavily. "I'm not, and neither are you." I chuckled with him. For some time we both knew the other was immortal, we just didn't want to admit it in case the other was a spy of Odin, keeping an eye out for his prisoner. "I'm aware this is selfish of me, but please, don't go where I can't follow." He said. I breathed out in relief, a tear flowing down my cheek. I don't want to fall into the hands of darkness, and I've struggled to remain with my soul on this earth, fully conscious only of the thought of my father, sisters and the one man that has been here for everything I necessitated. "I won't go anywhere..."

It's not selfish of him, I'm the egotistic one.

On a particularly cold night, I was incapable of sleeping no matter how long I shut my eyes, so I would draw in the snow that fell from the window in wistful hope that I would gain sleep, yet I quickly grew bored of the activity. I hadn't realized how big the prison was until I paced non-stop. "You repeatedly avoid speaking when you have worries." I was startled, not expecting him to be awake. "I thought you were resting, I didn't want to disturb." I started, shrugging my shoulders in shame. "We... We've never seen each other and you already carved my bad habits."

"I am also fond of the way you're eager to know about my travels. A curious and unprejudiced mind, stunningly kind as well." I smiled softly and pushed some hay to the corner before laying as comfortably as I could, listening to him. "Why did Odin put you here?" Ah, the question, one not even I had done to him but that I had no problem in sharing, I suppose. "He found me wandering with no destination. And he saw within me something he required for his plans, and I refused... I couldn't react fast enough to dodge the owner of the Gjallarhorn, he imprisoned me with cruel words. You heard him..."

"I did." The man said with a half-disheartened tone. "Do not believe what he said."

I let out a giggle, my breathing quickens and my heart beats so loudly I swear he could hear it. "You don't know how I look, for all one knows he could be saying the truth."

"But do I need to mind about your appearance?" I stay silent at his response, and he doesn't wait for me to reply. "The love you hold inside is what matters, and you have shown me you carry it with pride." My face wears a hard look and a clenched jaw, I didn't need to look at my reflection to know how much I despise that side of me. Many people had suffered horrible fates because of my visions, and if my love is as immense as he says... "You are... Stop being so tender with me..." Why am I the only one that can't accept it?

"That is the only request I will ignore." He doesn't know how many moons I dream of breaking free, how I would love to see his face, actually see him for who he is and never let go of him, never forget him. All of this without knowing his name. "Don't implore me to stop, not when it regards you." Despite the years, my heart was still open to any kind of emotion. I couldn't help but think about my sisters when each of them married in the old days, they had the opportunity to fall in love, and to choose what to do with that sensation in their lives. Is this how they felt? I would have never thought it would be so sweet. "Perhaps I... I don't want this to come to a stop, either..."

There is an odd tension between us, one that has never occurred, but as always, his words bring me peace. "I'm glad. I am... Believe me." He sounded relieved, and it warmed my heart with an intense fire as he spoke once more. "You need sleep, you have gone too many nights without it."

"At least tell me you will try too. Don't stay awake because of me."

"I won't, my love. Sweet dreams."

I contemplated staying awake just to hear him whisper his usual account of the years he's been here, yet I have lost so much sleep I feel completely exhausted, and I was swallowed by joyful dreams... Only to be awakened by a loud disturbance inside our prison hours later, I could hear screams and weapons clashing in the upper tiers, one of the two, either Odin is coming to kill us, or someone brave enough has come to this place without the All-Father's awareness. "If something happens, run as far as you can." My mouth opened to turn down that plan if it even could be called one. "No, I--!" The noises were getting closer, and whoever is there was unusually strong to be a human, for the first time since Zeus, I feared our outcome. "I won't let anything happen to you."

I couldn't see anything from my cell, and as soon as someone approached his prison to unlock it, I was prepared to shout at them, until--

"Freya! I can't believe it!" He knew them, wait, did he say 'Freya'...?

"Wait, that can't be... Lord Týr..." A female voice echoed in the walls, disbelief in her tone.

"Is this an illusion?"

Týr? But that's...

I widened my eyes like plates and proceeded to step back from the wooden bars, avoiding being seen by the Aesirs altogether. A hand hid my mouth as I kneeled slowly, not believing I have been speaking all this time with the God of War of this land, now I understood why he was so adamant to tell me his name when I inquired about it.

"No, brother... No, I think it's the real deal." A different voice than the other two, three have come to break him out.

"Mimir? Is that you, old friend?"

"In all the important ways, aye..."

"There was such a commotion. If Odin learns what you've done..." Lord Týr was interrupted by the gruff voice. "Odin is dead." A gruff voice that sounded familiar to my ears, very much so that an image of a specific god came to mind. The news of Odin's death is like a lullaby.

"The realms are at last free of him. You're safe."

"Odin's dead?"

"And Asgard fallen." So most of the Aesir gods must be well buried underground, I wonder how many innocent people died for the greediness of another great god. "So the reign of the Aesir is truly over, that's quite a lot to take in. And you are...?"

"His name is Kratos."

"Kratos?" I called without thinking, eyes like plates as the silence could be fractured with the sharpest knife. As the god-killer stepped slowly to my cell, I stared into his eyes and recognized him even if years had caught up to him, in his once furious eyes I see an emotion unknown to me. "No... (Y/N)...?" I would be very displeased if he hadn't remembered the girl that mourned the Titan turned mortal chained to a hand.

The god opened my cell so I could walk out, he still looked shocked, and it's an understatement. "You are alive. How?"

"When Zeus threw me from the cliff I stumbled into one of the nine realms. Odin found me, I refused to use my magic to help him with the prophecy, and I was thrown here by Heimdall." I inhaled and exhaled, now truly gazing up and down and seeing reality for what it is, I have been lost in time while I was here. "I would embrace you, but I know you don't--" His gesture took me by surprise, Kratos had just placed a hand on my shoulder, and I saw how much he had changed with a simple motion. He had grown as a person, he finally learned to follow his heart.

"You are alright, I am content."

I nodded, flashing him a small smile.

Then a cough coming from his waist cut the moment short, compelling me to glance at the beautiful Goddess Freya and the God of War, Týr. I swallowed a gasp at the imposingly tall god, muscular, yet slim physique, his hair and beard were long, brown and braided in certain areas. He had several tattoos, especially across his left arm, and a blue triangle from the root of his hair pointing to the top of his nose, and his eyes... Gods, his eyes were an alluring yellow that captured my heart instantly the moment he set them on me.

"Brother, won't you introduce us to the lady?" With a low grunt, something Kratos hadn't lost, he took a head resembling a half-human, half-goat from his lower torso. "Hello!" Oh well, that brings back memories, and not good ones. Kratos and I eyed each other, knowing exactly what the other was thinking just by looking at Mimir. "(Y/N), an old friend. When the Sisters of Fate were gone, Zeus proclaimed her the Goddes of Time."

"You are the Goddess of Time of the Greek Pantheon?" Questioned Freya and I nodded slowly as I turned to the Norse Gods. "'Was' for a small time. Kratos was kind enough to save my father from the torture Zeus bestowed upon him, and since then I didn't bat an eye away from him until Olympus was destroyed. My gratitude will never be enough."

"Well, I knew our friend had at least someone watching his back in those days." Mimir exclaimed and I chuckled. I didn't expect the odd talking head to be so kind, but I welcomed it with open arms. "I did as I could, but he was impulsive most of the time."

"Aye, I believe that." Kratos grunted again, seemingly annoyed by the conversation as he put Mimir back on his waist. Freya looked amused whatsoever. "The two of you need shelter and food."

"No... No, what I need most now, I think, is to reflect on what you've told me." He gazed at me as he spoke. "I need space if you would grant me that." I understood he needed this, his father has just died, and possibly more members of his family, and all the grief was happening again. I'm happy that Freya also understood this. "Very well. Our home is in the Realm Between Realms for the moment, you can find us there when you're ready."

Týr and I stared at each other as Kratos and Freya made their way out, and I followed them. We would speak in due time.

After a few hours wandering and meeting Gods and other allies in the Realm Between Realms, I grew slightly irked at the mere thought of being chained to one place again, so Kratos took me to Vanaheim, a realm with lushful gardens and abundant fields. "Olympus didn't have this... Unless you asked Persephone or Demeter." I muttered to myself, but it was loud enough for my companion to hear, raising my head, I let the sun kiss my skin. "I almost forgot how the sun felt..." I sat in the grass under the rays of the faraway star and at a certain distance from the camp of the Vanir, Kratos didn't leave my side ever since I was welcomed. "You never mentioned your betrothal to Zeus."

Ah, so we're speaking about that, I wonder who informed him. "I didn't need to. Many have asked for my hand in marriage since I was a girl, and just like Hestia, I preferred to remain as I am. We both know Zeus was never the one to accept rejection, unfortunately." I glared, but my expression soon became sorrowful. "I refused to become the second wife, because if one god could do it then the others would follow. Poor Hera would never let me hear the end of it as she would do what she can to kill me."

"You pitied her." Kratos affirmed, and I shook my head. "Pity is a strong word, you saw the state she was in the last time we saw her. I wanted to help, if anything, I would've made her forget about her husband, but she chose that life... That isn't our fault." Acknowledging my statement as true although all the affliction regarding the memories, he dropped the subject. "I am sorry." He said, and my mouth almost hangs open. "I was not there to help you."

"When have I ever blamed you...?" I stopped him before he could go on, but inside my heart was a certain sensation of glee. I stand up and walk to him. "You are here, alive, with a son who loves you, and friends that have come to your aid no matter their circumstances. You have saved them. Kratos, maybe I am no one to tell you this, but I am proud of you... You should be too." There was something in his eyes again that screamed an unknown emotion to me, bliss perhaps? I only know there was no melancholy. Kratos raised his hand, and I happily obliged in leading my hand to his forearm, the infamous spartan handshake. "Tell me when Atreus is back, I would like to meet him someday."

He only nodded in my direction and walked away, leading my eyes to the Aesir that has my heart trapped in his hands. Týr steps forward, closing the distance between us, and he stares at me with an intensity I can’t describe. We were alone with the ever-watching nature of Vanaheim, for a second I thought the wind whispered between the very green leaves. "Have you had your time to take everything in...?"

"Yes, I think I did. I'm sorry I took long." Averting my gaze, I shuddered inwardly at his proximity, this feeling being quite rare for me, and I unconsciously smiled. Never breaking eye contact, he takes my hands into his bigger ones. "I spent years mourning my family, thanks to you I am able to live with it, it's fair I am here for you too." Týr's hand cupped my cheek and I rested one of mine on his, I melt in his hold. "Am I not what you thought I would be?" I asked, it was eating my mind ever since we set our eyes on each other. "If I had known I was in the presence of such a kind-hearted angel, I would have proposed us a long time ago. You are perfect in every sense of the word."

"You are just flattering, Týr..." My heart suddenly beats faster as I look away, his name sounding right on my lips.

"Look at me, (Y/N)." I did as he told me, and became noticeably bashful. "My heart fluttered every moment of the day my ears heard your voice. I would stop everything to tell you what I've lived in my long life just for you to hear, and in the instants you didn't utter a word I would grow worried, my soul wouldn't have survived you gone." Týr helped me to sit on the grass with him as we spoke, not once letting go of me. "My mind wandered endlessly and I was unable to think straight. Your voice back then broke my heart, if I made you feel miserable, I apologize... I promised myself I would never hurt you." Our foreheads touched in a sign of real and pure love.

"I..." Týr shushed softly, and we simply embraced under the sun, taking in everything about each other, spiritually and emotionally.

"I wanted to know your name..." I started, catching his attention once more. He looked amused which only made me feel timid under his eyes. "As time passed I wished I could touch and feel you... I was scared you would die, either of old age or because of the cold..." I rested my head on his chest, allowing me to put my arms around him as he does the same, kissing my head to calm me. "My love, don't let those thoughts invade your mind now. Tell me, would you like to come with me to watch other the realms?"

I looked up at him with astonishment written in my eyes, both of us standing up. "Are you sure I won't disturb you...?"

"I have been imprisoned for too long, I have to look out for them, and I hoped you would come with me. Vanaheim has endured thanks to the love the Vanir have for their home, Freya has come back to where she belongs. Peace can be smelled in the breeze." I smiled brightly as I heard him speak, and after years I will never get tired of it. Týr leaned closer to me and gave me my first kiss, butterflies swirled in my stomach at how perfect everything is.

Once we broke away, none of us could help but chuckle. "Come, my goddess. There are special places I want to show you." There is no more suffering, there's only love.

#NOBODY ASKED BUT I STILL DELIVERED #I LOVE HIM #god of war #god of war ragnarok #gow #gow x reader #tyr x reader #tyr #gow ragnarok #god of war x reader #kratos #mimir #freya #oneshot

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fangirlings-things · 4 years

Text

To get the job done

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x female reader

Word count: 5.1K

Summary: going undercover as a couple with your boss in order to serve as bait for an unsub, definitely should have been more... professional

Warnings: smut, sexual innuendos, chocking, language, fingering, oral sex (female receiving), unprotected sex

A/N: I wrote this in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and couldn't shake this idea out of my head lol. this is my first hotch smut ever written so I hope this is good. hope you guys enjoy this, lots of love!!!

TAG LIST: @imaginesofyourfandom ; @locke-writes ; @regalbanshee || GIF IS NOT MINE

“It’s not working”

Between the loud music resonating through the nightclub and the proximity of civilians who shouldn’t hear your words, you had come closer to Hotch to speak, so that he could fully understand what you were saying. As you did, mouth close to his ear, you were able to smell the scent of perfume coming from him. That was a good smell.

You both had done your best to look incredibly good on that night, for the operation the BAU had developed alongside the local police department on the last two days. As the unsub had been targeting couples on that nightclub specifically and there were no bodies to sustain the accusation even though he had been the last one seen with all those people, the best approach was to use a bait and catch him in the act.

At first you believed you were going in undercover with Morgan, what you guys had already done before when the situation called for it. But according to the profile and the fact that all the previous disappeared male victims were white, the team agreed that it would be better to send Hotch, and that was how you ended up playing couple with your boss, something you were sure shouldn’t be making you as nervous as it was.

“We've only been here for half an hour, (Y/N)” Hotch replied, eyes wondering around a bit before he focused on you and smiled tenderly, placing a hand on your cheek. You had been exchanging soft touches like that, to blind in between the other couples present. “Maybe he isn’t here yet”

You sighted heavily, but nodded in agreement, because there was a good chance he was right. For another hour, you and Hotch kept on to your disguise. You smiled at each other, even danced a bit, which really made you laugh because you had never pictured your boss doing such thing, and he had managed to laugh a bit as well. At some point, you felt his hands circling your waist and pulling you close towards his own body. You couldn’t deny the shiver that ran down your spine in that moment.

Time passed and passed, and except for a woman that got close to flirt with Hotch that he politely dismissed by holding your hand, nothing happened. The unsub didn’t approach you, like he had done to the other missing couples. Only then, a thought occurred to you and you remembered something important about the abductions. Or more exactly, previously to those.

“Hotch, we forgot something” you said, slowly pulling him by the arm to one of the corners of the club, like you where just getting away from the crowd to make out a bit.

“What?” he asked, frowning while trying to keep a relaxed expression on his features. Under the shinning lights of the nightclub, his short hair and white shirt with the two first buttons open and sleeves rolled up to his elbows, he looked extremely handsome. Not that you hadn’t noticed it already on a daily basis, but then, he was your boss. On this night… he was playing your boyfriend. You had some kind of permission to allow yourself to think such thing.

“The unsub's method. What made him choose those couples instead of all the others” you said, pressing your back against the wall and bringing him close to you with a smile, feeling other people’s eyes on you both. His hands found your waist and stayed there, unmoving. “He likes to play the gentleman before actually abducting the couples” you told Hotch, hands running up his uncovered by the rolled sleeves arms. “Witnesses said they saw the male and the female getting into some kind of discussion, that the men were sometimes violent with their girlfriends, so the unsub would come and defend her” you saw that he had understood what you meant even before you said the words. “You have to be violent with me”

“So he gets to play the good guy with the women before abducting them and the boyfriends, to later kill them both” he completed your line of thought and you nodded, agreeing. “(Y/N)…” Hotch then began, hesitant. You saw the way he squeezed his lips on a thin line and sighted heavily, looking around again before getting his gaze fixed on you. “are you sure this is what we have to do?”

“I am” you guaranteed, eyes fixed on his as seriousness filled your tone. Hotch stared at you for a long moment as if he was thinking about it, but then he pulled back, taking his hands away from you and stepping back like he suddenly wanted distance. Fearing it would blow your cover, you looked at him even more seriously now. “Hotch? Come on! You have to…”

Before you could finish your sentence, expressing your indignation for his hesitation to get the job done, he closed the gap between you both once again, body now fully pressed against yours. His breath was on your face, heavy and hot. One of his hands, had gone to your throat. He was squeezing your neck, fingertips digging into your skin just enough to put some pressure on it.

“Why can’t you ever stop talking” his voice came out rough, irritated. With widened eyes because of the fact that he was suddenly all upon you, you realized that Hotch was playing along. He was following the plan. And really, you wanted to think about the unsub, but it proved to be really hard when you had Hotch’s hand around your throat and his breath on your face. The scent of his perfume, so close… you felt intoxicated by him in the best way possible.

“Hotch…” you began, glad that he had to be the one leading the actions and not you. Honestly, professionalism was the last thing on your mind in that moment and even though you knew it was wrong, you couldn’t help it.

“Shut up” he replied in the same instant, which made you go instantly quiet, as his hand increased the pressure on your neck just a bit. The fake anger was there in his voice but in his eyes, there was no such thing. They were cautious, inspecting your features to see if you were comfortable with this. You stared back at him silently and he understood, that you were good to keep up the little scene, which set him into action once again. “Just shut the fuck up for a moment” his hand moved further up your throat, brushing against your skin smoothly as it went. He only stopped when he was finally able to touch your bottom lip with his thumb, eyes on your lips as he did so. “Just shut up”

And right and there, you did something you couldn’t have predicted.

You moaned.

A low, breathy moan that you silently wished for him to not have heard, but of course he had, being pressed up against you like that. You closed your eyes for a long moment, embarrassed and desperately wanted to disappear. You had just moaned because of the hand of your boss around your throat. That wasn’t something you felt quite pride of. Still, you forced yourself to open your eyes and stare at Hotch. His eyes… they were unreadable. Even though you were a profiler, you had no idea what was on his mind. None.

Before you could think of anything to say, suddenly a man approached you and Hotch, getting too close. He was extremely tall, had brown eyes and blond hair. There was a calm expression on his features, the kind of expression you had often seen in the faces of unsubs when they talked about their crimes. “Hey, you’re hurting the lady, man!”

As both of your attentions were on him now, that being the unsub the police had already locked up but then let go because of the lack of evidences, Hotch released his hand from your throat, but then he grabbed your forearm with it, keeping you in place. When he spoke, he used the best angered voice he had. “I’m having a private conversation with my girlfriend. Why don’t you leave?”

The unsub focused his gaze on you, ignoring Hotch like he hadn't even spoken. “Is he hurting you?”

“Yeah, (Y/N), am I hurting you?” Hotch said turning to you too, provoking the unsub by forcing you to share the full attention he clearly wanted.

“No” you replied, eyes going from Hotch to the unsub. Looking into the latter's eyes, you forced yourself to give out a little smile. “I’m fine, but thank you” and as to reassure him, you gently placed your hand on his arm.

You heard Hotch take a deep breath by your side, annoyed by you touching the other man, and then he gripped really tightly at your arm. “We are leaving” and then without warning, he began to drag you towards the exit. You didn’t have to look back to know that the unsub was following you both.

“The others are outside, right?” you whispered to Hotch, as he continued to drag you along between the great amount of people.

“Yes, Morgan has a S.W.A.T team on the roof top of the next building” he said back, while pushing open the door of the nightclub. Instantly, the cold air of the night outside the place made you shiver, because of the great amount of exposed skin from your dress. Without saying anything else, he continued to drag you along. Seconds later, you heard the door being opened and closed again.

“Hey!” a voice that clearly belonged to the unsub said and you and Hotch stopped, turning around to look at him. He had pulled out a gun, and had it pointed directly to your face. “Come here you both, or I’ll shoot her right in her pretty face”

“Alright man, take it easy!” Hotch let go of you, raised his hands in the air and motioned for you to walk alongside him. You placed the most scared look you could on your face as you walked towards the unsub.

When you and Hotch had already closed half of the distance between you both and the unsub, armed agents appeared from every corner of the empty, barely illuminated parking lot, pointing their guns to the unsub.

“Richard Jones, put the gun down right now!” Morgan’s firm voice echoed through the parking lot as he screamed, standing just a few feet away from the man.

The unsub looked from the many agents to you both and seeing the controlled expressions on your faces, he clenched his jaw, filled with anger. “You two are cops, aren’t you?” hearing the instability in his voice, Hotch took a step forward to stand in front of you, shielding you with his own body. “Son of a…” the unsub took a enraged step forward and then the sound of a shot filled the night. In the same instant, the unsub fell to the ground, dropping the gun and using the now free hand to press on his shoulder, where the bullet had hit him.

Morgan quickly ran towards the fallen unsub and kicked the gun away from his reach. “You two good?” he asked without turning around, still pointing his gun to the now unharmed unsub.

“Yeah, we’re fine” you said, after touching Hotch’s shoulder for a moment. He just nodded, fine. Good.

The ambulance came after ten minutes to take the unsub to the closest hospital. Morgan talked to the local officers to decide which one would accompany Jones there and Reid and Prentiss had just congratulated you for the good job. Rossi, talked to Hotch a few feet away from where you were. When Spencer and Emily walked away to verify some last things with the paramedics, Hotch approached you.

“Good job” he said, hands on the pockets of his pants. The professionalism was back, now that the operation was done. The boss was back like he had never left.

“Thanks. You too” you gave him a smile, eyes on the paramedics that were just putting Jones inside the ambulance. “That’s how he did it. He threatened the women to make the men comply to whatever he said”

“He envied the men, they were always his real target. He overpowered the men and probably made them watch whatever he did to the girlfriends” Hotch said, also looking at the unsub.

“Do you think we will find the bodies?” you asked, frustrated. Now, Jones could be charged for the crimes but the families of the victims had nothing to hold on to. No bodies to bury. The thought was awful.

“I don’t think so” Hotch replied, as clear and honest as ever. The sound of the ambulance's doors being closed made itself heard and then Hotch sighted and put himself in front of you, crossing his arms over his chest in a way that beautifully defined the muscles of his arms. “(Y/N), about what happened in there…” for a second you thought he was going to mention your moan and all air left your lungs. But thankfully, he didn’t. “I hope I didn’t hurt you too badly. Gripping you like that”

“Oh, you didn’t” you rushed yourself into saying, trying to calm down your still heavy beating heart. You gave him another smile and a shrug. “We just did what we had to do to get the job done, right?”

“(Y/N)!” Reid called you, standing close to one of the SUV's, motioning for you to come close.

You briefly touched Hotch’s arm. “Don’t worry, Hotch” and giving him one last friendly smile you walked away towards Reid, taking a deep breath as you did so. Being under Hotch’s stare had never been so intense, exciting and anxious all the same.

With every step you took, you wondered if you would ever be able to look at Hotch like you did before that night. Merely as your boss and a friend.

━━━━━━━━━━ × ━━━━━━━━━━

It turned out, things weren’t the same anymore.

It had been a month since that case were you and Hotch had gone undercover together as a couple. A month. It always felt like it had happened on the previous day to the one you were living. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t shake that night away from your mind.

Everytime Hotch would sit close to you at the jet and you would smell his perfume, you would inevitably close your eyes and remember the feeling of having his hands on your waist. When he would hand you a file and your hands would end up casually brushing against one another, you would remember having that same hand closed around your throat and that thought alone would make you have to hold back a whimper.

Truth was you wouldn’t be able to deny your attraction to your boss to anyone that asked about it. Thankfully though, you hadn’t wore wires on that night and no other members of the team had gone into the club. So, those moments had belonged only to you both. Your corrupted mind, was more than grateful for it.

“(Y/N), my love?” Garcia’s voice brought you back to reality, making you snap out of your thoughts and focus your eyes on hers. She was staring at you with a smile and curious eyes. “Now, you were daydreaming about some lucky sugar out there”

Cleaning your throat, you did your best to keep on a straight face. It was unbelievable how even though you daily spent your time with profilers, she could be more perceptive than all of them went it came to emotions and personal innuendos. “I’m sorry Penelope, I drifted away. Was is it?”

She stared at you with interested eyes for a few more moments before looking down at the table you were both sitting at for hours now, at the lobby of the hotel you had all booked in the city. “Well, I just finished doing all the background check I could get on the previous victims, like you guys asked me to” she handed you a folder, filled with information that certainly would be significant for the current investigation the team was working on. You were glad she had travelled with you all for this case.

“Penelope, you’re amazing” you grabbed the folder and took a few glares to the pages inside of it, before closing it again and looking back at her. “We should call it for the day and get some rest like the others”

“I’ll do that, I just have to check one last thing. Will you please spare me the trouble and take this to Hotch on your way to have some amazingly good sleep?” she pouted, knowing you wouldn’t be able to resist such a request.

“Sure” you said, thinking about the fact that you had just agreed on going to Hotch’s room to deliver him the folder in the middle of the night. You took a deep breath before standing up. “Goodnight, Penelope”

“Rest well, my lovely friend” she winked at you and you smiled back at her before making your way to the elevator. You were all staying on the same floor, so you pressed the bottom to the seventh floor and waited with a fast beating her inside the elevator, that seemed to get to the said floor too soon. Too fast.

Room 220. You stared at it's door for what seemed to be hours. You thought about Hotch inside. The fact that you were about to come in. Him, alone. Alone with you. Like you two had been on that nightclub.

Taking a deep breath, you concentrated on stopping those wondering thoughts and knocked on the door. The answer came seconds later, an 'enter' you would often hear at the office. Of course he had been waiting awake for the files. That was Hotch, after all.

Taking another deep breath you opened the door and your gaze immediately met Hotch, who stood with his arms crossed over his chest close to the table placed at the corner of the room. Pictures and other files filled it and he looked through it like always, searching for leads and trying to begin the building of the unsub's profile. He had removed his black suit and red tie, standing there with just a white shirt covering his upper body. Just like on the nightclub.

“Hey, I’m sorry to bother, but Garcia asked me to bring you these files” you raised the folder in the air, a small polite smile on your lips as you did so.

“Thank you” he crossed the distance of the room towards you and stopped just two steps away. You handed him the folder, and he looked inside it for long moments before looking back to you so your eyes would meet. “Do you want to help me go over this knew information?”

You swallowed dry at the suggestion you hadn’t been expecting. Who needed to sleep when you could just spend time with the man you daydreamed about, right? This thought, got the next words out of your mouth. “Yeah, sure”

“Okay, close the door” Hotch said with that professional tone of his, nodding in the door's direction before turning around and going back to stand close to the table. You did close the door and then went to stand by him, looking at all the files splayed out in quite a mess. “I still haven’t been able to make any progress with the profile”

“Well, we’ve only been here for two days” you said, getting some of the crime scene pictures in your hands and looking attentively at them, searching for anything that might have passed your attentions before. “we don’t have much but we’ll get the job done, like we always do”

Then, Hotch chuckled. The sound was so unexpected and it happened to rarely that you instantly stopped looking at the photos, placed them back at the table and then turned with a frown to look at your boss, not being able to stop yourself from smiling a bit. “What?”

“Nothing, is just that…” he shrugged, arms still crossed over his chest and eyes not staring into yours. “we have been making a great team lately” and then he looked at you. And he must have recognized the conflicted expression on your features, because the intensity of his eyes suddenly became too much to bare. And still, you found yourself unable to look away.

“Yeah, we have” you found it within yourself to answer those simple three words and then it happened exactly like in the nightclub. Before you could even realize what was happening, Hotch got closer and closer until his body was almost touching yours. Painfully almost.

“Can I?” he asked, staring into your eyes with beautiful fixation. His breathing was heavy and it made you realize that you weren’t the only one nervous in that room. You just nodded, staring back at him with your heart beating so hard and fast inside your chest it seemed like it would explode. Slowly Hotch raised his eyes and placed them on your cheeks, fingertips caressing the skin beneath them gently. And then, even more slowly, he closed the gap between you both and touched your lips with his.

It wasn’t even a proper kiss. Just a brush of mouths. Curious, anxious, insecure. He brushed his lips against yours and stopped, as if giving you time to decide what to do. To have Hotch there like that, with you like you wanted him to be, it went to your head in a burst of delight and you were the one who urged forward and fully pressed your lips together, hands going to rest on his forearms. He tasted good. So unique, so fine.

You kissed slowly. Exploring, getting to know each other’s mouths little by little with tongues and lips. But then you got impatient, excited, and you pressed your lips more hardly against his, wanting to make those kisses as deep and breath taking as you could. Hotch responded immediately at that incentive, kissing you just as intensively as you wanted him to. And so, one of his hands slipped down to your throat and he squeezed it slightly, putting pressure. Such an amazing pressure. And it made you moan. At that point, after all those kisses, you didn’t even bother to try to repress it.

“I have been wanting to make you moan again since that night” Hotch said against your lips and that, actually made you moan again. Louder this time and it made his squeeze on your neck get tighter and if you were being honest, you weren’t having it any other way.

You kept on kissing, bodies fully pressed against one another, mouths devouring each other unstoppably until your hands found the buttons of his shirt and you started opening them. It seemed to take hours but you finally managed to slip the shirt out of him, the piece of clothing ending up on the floor just to be shortly joined by your own t-shirt.

Hotch’s hands then were on your waist, gripping at the bare skin of your hips in a way that made you weak. One of your hands was on his cheek and the other, played with the short hair at the back of his neck. Together you moved towards the bed, mouths only letting go to do so. You pushed Hotch to the bed and he sat at the edge of it, looking up at you breathless and with his mouth very reddened from the kisses. He was beautiful.

You moved to sit on his lap, hands on his neck and mouth back on his because you already missed it. Through the layers of your intimate clothes and both of your pants, you felt his hard member beneath you. As you kissed you pressed your body down into him, pressing his member, and his breath hissed. You smiled.

Hotch gripped your thighs with his hands firmly and flipped you both around, making you lay back on the bed as he got above you. He kissed you, tongue exploring your mouth and hands squeezing so tightly your thighs that you felt like you were going to burst.

His hands went to open the button of your jeans and you helped him get rid of it. Another piece on the floor. Then, after giving you a series of quick kisses, Hotch stood up from the bed and started to take out his own pants. You just watched him, smiling with your bottom lip caught between your teeth.

“Liking the view?” he asked with a smirk, and oh, that was a version of Hotch you could easily get used to. The way he took out the pants and disposed it to the side, standing now in just black boxer briefs, eyes not leaving you not for a second, that was something you wanted to mark in your memory.

“How could I not?” you replied just when he knelt back on the bed and then, crawled his way to be on top of you again. Looking up at his face, you sighted. That was amazing. What was happening… you couldn’t have predicted it not even in your best dreams.

Hotch kissed you again, hands traveling to your back just so that he could undo your bra. One more piece gone. One of his hands slowly found your left breast and he caressed it in his hands, making you moan again and again. He kissed you. He kissed your breasts. He kissed you again. His hands caressed your skin unstoppably.

“Hotch…” you moaned his name when he began to give you small bites here and there, the feeling of your skin between his teeth making you suck in a breath. He probably noticed the desperation in your voice, because next thing you knew he was sliding his kisses down to your belly and then, he kissed your pussy from above your panties. “Hotch” his name was emitted from your mouth again, louder this time.

He took his time just kissing you like that, with that layer between his mouth and your intimacy. Torturing you to the most. When he found it proper he removed your panties using both of his hands and after discarding them just like he had done with his pants, he used his hands to spread your thighs and get his face close to your pussy. He kissed your thighs, ignoring your intimacy. You could feel his hot breath down there and it made you lose your mind. You could almost feel yourself dripping your wetness into the bed.

“Hotch!” you urged him to stop teasing, eyes shut and chest raising and falling incredibly fast due to your erratic breathing. The moan you gave out when his mouth finally came in contact with your pussy was obscene. Was loud and you did not give a damn about it because you had your boss's face between your legs and that was it. That was all you cared about right then.

He sure as hell knew what to do with his mouth. He kissed, sucked and he fucked you with his tongue, his saliva mixed with the wetness of your own body making you become a moaning mess. Your hands went to his short hair and you gripped tightly at it, pulling. You moaned again, and that made him moan a bit. Suddenly the feeling of his mouth was gone and you felt extremely disappointed. Just a bit more…

One of his fingers found it’s way inside your body and your moan was cut short by his mouth back on yours. You tasted yourself on his mouth and the thought alone almost made you come. After a couple seconds, another finger joined in and the feeling of having them coming in and out of your body was incredible. Your hands stayed in his hair, pulling and gripping like you were holding yourself into dear life.

His movements were slow, calculated. The kisses were deep. At some point, you made it know you wanted more by sliding one of your hands down between both of your bodies and touching him through his briefs. He stopped kissing you, stopped the movements of his hand and looked into your eyes. You smiled at each other, and then he pulled back away from you to get rid of the last layer. The last piece ended on the floor.

You motioned to grab at his hard member, bit he held your wrist gently halfway and you frowned. “Another time. Right now” he came close again and with one of his hands, stroked your hair for a bit. “I want to make you feel good”

“Okay” you managed to say, already excited by the idea of 'another time'. You were certain, that was something you wanted to keep happening and for the look on Hotch’s face, he did too.

You both moaned together when he entered your body with his member. Finally. His mouth and fingers had made you as slick and open they could and you managed to fit all of him inside of you, all pain disappearing in just a few moments as you locked your legs around his waist.

Hotch looked into your eyes again, smiled by seeing your clearly pleasured expression and then began to move. Slowly, enjoying every bit of it. But after so much previous teasing, he couldn’t hold himself back too much and hearing you moan like that, probably didn’t help his state of mind.

His movements became rough, fast. You both moaned and moaned, each other’s names being the only thing leaving your mouths. One of Hotch’s hands found your throat and the feeling of his fucking you with the squeeze on your neck made you come, moaning loudly. So loudly. Hotch came just a few movements after, moaning too.

He laid beside you, both of you breathing heavily with your skins glistening in sweat. You kissed him once more before snuggling up to his chest and closing his eyes, you fell asleep.

━━━━━━━━━━ × ━━━━━━━━━━

“Morning, guys” Prentiss said, yawning while joining the rest of the team in the hotel lobby. The sun had just raised itself in the sky and you were all heading to the local precinct.

“Morning” Morgan replied, smiling by her clearly sleepy face. Sitting by Garcia’s side in one of the couches, he had a cup of coffee in his hand. “Hope you all had a nice night of sleep, because this day will probably be too long”

“I couldn’t sleep until four” Reid said with a heavy sight, also having a cup of coffee in his hands. Standing beside you, he looked to Hotch and then back at you before whispering. “The walls were really thin”

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elderflowerchampagne · 2 years

Text

145 - spoilers continue

Not a great visit, but what a gift to be able again, at last, to say that.

It seems like there's a missed opportunity for the cards to actually mean something? Why not have the 10s take the elevator and the jacks take the stairs?

God, I can't drink or run or climb like I used to. Two visits in three days was too much for me. It probably would have been too much in The Before Time, too, but now that I live in Connecticut my visit frequency distribution will be very different. And I think that's the part I'll miss the most, the utter whim-ness of it. Bad day at work? Off to the McK. Bored? Back I go. Stressed and need to hide from the world for three hours? I know a place. And it'll be strange not to have that outlet.

But I also know it's time for that change, and it's probably been time for a long time. I want real things now. Which is why I've elected to spend 7 years in a PhD program that I'll finish when I'm 35, and yeah I probably still won't get a job, but it's 7 years of healthcare and maybe after that I'll be a mother or married or dead.

Speaking of real things, in May I'm headed to Actual Scotland for a conference, where I'm supposed to present a paper about immersive theatre. Which means that I'll get to justify every visit between now and then as Professional Development.

Anyway, not all that much to report. I spent this visit and some of the last one reacquainting myself with the building itself, and the objects that have grown so familiar over the years. Macduff's typewriter. Garcio the Balcony Boar. The wolf on the fifth floor (minor panic when I couldn't find him - he's still there, just on the other side of the room). The horrifying mushrooms with the holes in them in the taxidermist's cabinet. All this stuff which has for the last 10 years formed so much of the landscape of my life, and to be back among it again makes it feel like no time or horrible things have passed since.

But of course horrible things have happened, and I see them mirrored in things both old and new. You can't watch the matron furiously scrub at her hands with a napkin without thinking about Lady Macbeth, of course, but it also conjures those desperate early days of the pandemic when we thought that could save us. When Hecate reaches out into the darkness and frantically swipes at people who aren't there, who is she fighting? Who is she reaching for? Why can't she see us when she always used to be able to?

Everyone I've spoken to seems happy that the padded room, at last, has a scene, but I didn't realize until I saw it for myself that the only way to watch it is through the small rectangular window in the door. And standing on tiptoe, craning to see what small bits of action I could, reminded me of the awful isolation of these past two years, when we've all been staring at each other through rectangles.

I don't remember if I've ever thought this before, but after a small, almost unnoticeable jerk of her head during the rave, it occurred to me that maybe Sexy doesn't want to be doing what she's doing. I don't know if it happens with every performer, but it's right before they pick her up and she screams, and that certainly changes an awful lot.

I spent a lot of time just going through things in the Macduff apartments and the hospital. Those are my places - the safe, maternal, sinister ones, which I guess explains a lot about me. The matron seems to have latched on to TIS SAID THEY ATE EACH OTHER, which is a line l I love and nobody ever talks about. She's scribbled it all over her windowsill. I don't know if she still writes the line about the honest men on the pillar; I haven't seen that scene yet. God, it's so wonderful to not know things again.

Moonlight Becomes you was never a part I really paid particular attention to; at least it hadn't been in the months leading up to the shutdown. But for the first time I noticed that Danvers mimics the same choreography that she sees during the ballroom.

Sorry for the long, introspective, not-particularly-informative recap. I know Tumblr is no longer the place to be, in this or any other circle, but I'm not going anywhere or venturing into Discord or Reddit. I'm old school.

#sleep no more

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margarethelstone-2 · 3 years

Text

if I loved you less (i might talk about it more)

requested by one and only @nerdypanda3126. thanks so much!

Read on AO3!

"Taichi... You still like me, don't you?"

The young man in question raised his eyes from the book he'd been trying to read for the past quarter, and fixed them on Chihaya, confused. It wasn't just the question that surprised him, even though its content sure would have been enough to puzzle a better prepared soul.

The fact that Chihaya had barely spoken at all for most of their time together today was the main reason why he felt startled by her words now.

She really had been quiet for most of the day, even though they were spending it at his place, determined, as she herself had claimed, not to get in the way of his studies. Taichi had tried to make her realise that it wasn't what he wanted at all, that the very reason he'd invited her over was to get a break from all the reading and just relax a little. He'd explained over and over again that he needed her to be a distraction; tried – unsuccessfully – to get it into her head that she was actually doing him a favour. He knew how much of a workaholic he could be and so he specifically planned the visit as a means to enforce the necessary break he might not have taken otherwise.

He had told her all of that. And yet, she'd remained quiet.

All the way until now, that is.

And just what on earth was she going on about?

"What's with that question? You know the answer to that," he replied casually, almost dismissively, before going back to the textbook in his hand. He really had no idea what had gotten into her all of the sudden, but then again, he didn't care to delve on the subject. He knew she'd tell him anyway.

"I was just wondering," she answered, a trace of hurt ringing in her voice; Taichi needed to hold back the smile that sprang on his lips at the sight of her pout. "Is it so bad if I do?"

Taichi hummed in thought.

"Is that why you've been so quiet all day?" he asked right after. "You've been just busy considering my possible affection for you?"

"Stop with the mockery. I'm thinking of it seriously."

"Oh? And what conclusions did you come to?"

"I wouldn't have asked if I'd come to any."

He had no choice but to close the book and put it away after a statement he'd just heard. Not that he minded. Throwing it on the floor rather carelessly, he sat up straight in his corner of the couch and, resting his chin on his palm, he fixed his gaze on the girl seated by his desk on the other side of the room.

She really was being impossible today.

Well, he supposed that wasn't anything new. He'd known Chihaya long and well enough to not be fazed by the swings in her mood or the inane schemes she so often came up with. He had learnt to expect the unexpected, every day, every hour of his otherwise boring life, because that was obviously the only way to keep up with her. The one thing he had to keep doing if he still wanted to be a part of her life.

Because that was how Ayase Chihaya was.

Chihaya. His best friend. His fiercest karuta rival. The girl he'd been in love with since fourth grade of primary school and the girl who'd rejected him straightforwardly at the very beginning of their third year in Mizusawa High. The girl whom he'd thought he could never win over, on whom he'd given up again and again, fooling himself he could move on and blight the love he'd had for her since he'd been a ten year old squirt.

He sighed and shook his head, remembering her question from a moment before.

She knew damn well he was still head over heels for her.

She was his girlfriend, for sanity's sake.

"I can't believe you actually have asked, you know," he picked up with the same fake weariness he'd shown before, if only to cover his growing amusement. Seeing her very real anxiety made him assume a more solemn expression, as he asked, "Seriously, what brought this on? Are you mad about something?"

"I'm not mad," she disagreed instantly, and with good emphasis.

"Are you unhappy then? Did I do something to make you feel like that?"

Again, she denied. Now she just looked sad. "That's not it."

Wrong. She was flustered.

"Then what is it?" Taichi asked, as gently and warmly as he could. Not for the first time, he felt grateful for all the hard training his patience had received. It was obvious that Chihaya needed that from him now. "It's not like I could get over you like this, you of all people should be aware of that. You're the most important person in my life. The best companion I could think of. You know I get lonely and grumpy when I can't see you, and you know I still get absurdly jealous, even though I hate being so. And so I can't help but think there's something else I'm not doing right."

Taichi stopped there, waiting for her to, if not answer his question, then to contradict him in one way or another, at least. After all, he really was at a loss.

He thought he'd been doing a fairly good job as a boyfriend, when all was said and done. He'd already shared Chihaya's most important interest and it wasn't difficult to at least understand the new ones she'd found. He made sure to be there for her when she needed him, and tried his best to give her space when she needed that more. True, he'd had some trouble coming for help on his part, but even that was a thing of a past rather than present – certainly not something that could shock Chihaya into thinking like this.

He would think that the all-day-long date he'd come up with and seen through in celebration of their first anniversary as a couple last week was a good show of how much he still cared.

He wasn't perfect. Neither was she. But never in his life would he have thought that he'd failed to get his feelings across.

"Chihaya," he prompted once more, his voice audibly quieter. "Please tell me what it is. I can't fix it if I don't know what's broken."

She looked up from the floor she'd been glaring at for a while and met his gaze, a shadow of unease still clouding her big brown eyes. She opened her mouth to answer; she closed it instantly and looked away again, abashed. There was a hint of pink on her cheeks, and it only grew darker as the time passed, though whether it was because of embarrassment or something more alarming, Taichi couldn't tell yet.

"Chihaya–"

"It's because you never say it."

He supposed his eyes opened wider than ever, what's with the utter astonishment he felt growing inside him immediately. For a few moments, he could do nothing but stare, the craziness of the situation overwhelming enough to successfully prevent him from forming a sensible thought, and much less coming up with any kind of solution. One look at Chihaya was enough to sober him up, however.

She was distressed. She was insecure.

No matter how stupid he thought the reason to be, he could hardly allow the situation to last.

With a groan that was bound to startle her, he bent over and buried his face in his hands.

Only one thing he could do now.

"Come here," he said, his face still hidden behind one hand as he tore the other one away and beckoned her towards him. "No excuses. You'll talk later. Now just come here, please."

She did, albeit tentatively, as if afraid of the reaction he might show her. With his patience starting to run thin at last, Taichi didn't wait for her to cover the whole distance, instead reaching out and grabbing her by the wrist, only to pull her down on the couch right next to him.

And then he pulled her even closer, locking her in a bone-crushing hug.

"I'm gonna do something to you," he mumbled into her hair, his voice a mixture of laughter and complaint. "You cruel, cruel, woman. Have you no heart? Here I am, mind reeling as I try to figure out what the hell I did wrong again and you say it's because I don't say I like you enough. As if you didn't already know you've got a firmer hold of my heart than I ever did. Tell me, am I really this bad at showing you that I care that you doubt it?"

It was Chihaya's turn to growl at him, though it surely – and fortunately – didn't stop her from burying her face even deeper into his chest and digging her fingers into the shirt on his back. Again, Taichi laughed at the display, but didn't loosen his grip one bit.

That silly, unbelievable, most beloved girl.

"This and that are different things," she muttered finally in response against his buttons, her stubborn indignation probably being the only reason why he could discern the words at all. "There are different kinds of love languages. We even talked about it, you know."

"Yes. And as far as I remember, we've already established that neither of us cared for this one. So your argument doesn't work."

Well, this was a lie, or at least, it wasn’t fully true. After all, he could never get tired of hearing her say those words, to him and him only. But he didn't need it that much, not when he already knew of so many other ways in which Chihaya expressed her love towards him. He'd always assumed it was the same for her, too.

Funnily enough, he still didn't think he was mistaken.

"I've had feelings for you for the past fourteen years, you dummy, I wouldn't change my mind just because you decided to return them," he threw in only half-jokingly, as if to make sure he got his point across before moving onto the next part. "So? Care to tell me what's the source of it all?"

He felt her tense against him for a split second, only to relax in the next moment with a long, weary sigh. He waited for her to make herself comfortable in his arms, shifting ever so slightly to make it easier for them both. And then he heard her speak.

"I met up with Kana-chan the other day," she admitted weakly. "Her and Desktomu. And I guess... They're always so sweet with one another, now more than ever. I suppose... It made me feel a little jealous. But most of all, it just made me think."

"And you decided that I'd fallen out of love with you, because I don't talk like Komano does?"

"I didn't decide anything, I told you already. I just wondered if maybe I was doing something wrong to deserve that treatment. Sorry for being so terribly scared of losing you again because of my own foolishness."

Words caught in his throat as Taichi tried to protest against this new development. That last addition Chihaya had made – and more importantly, the wounded, truly uncertain voice with which she'd spoken – would have been enough to melt his heart even if he had actually been angry with her. Right now, he had to hold back from grabbing her by the chin and kissing her senseless until all the idiotic ideas evaporated from her overworked mind.

The things she did to him without as much as trying.

You evil little imp.

"They're newly-weds. You can't use them for reference," he managed to stutter out at least, conveniently ignoring the hoarseness of his own voice and the emotion that hovered behind it. "Not to mention, those two are the opposite of us when it comes to talking about feelings openly. There's a reason they got together six years before we did. Just because something works for them doesn't mean it's the best course for us to take as well."

He smiled again and planted a kiss at the top of her hair, before adding, "I still can't believe you really doubted me, though."

She huffed and pulled away, although she still didn't move from her place on the couch. They were still close; close enough for Taichi to see the light reflecting in her eyes and the blush that hadn't left her cheeks, and to reach out and comb her tangled hair with his fingers. Another gesture so full of love, even though it was but a fraction of all that she made him feel.

"Well, since I never understood what had made you fall in love with me in the first place, it's only natural that I'd have this kind of doubts."

He chuckled and she smiled on her part, her obstinacy giving it to the desire to just be with him. It was another thing Taichi was able to read in her eyes – and, knowing the feeling well enough from his own experience, he had no trouble deciphering it.

Delayed, the first part of her sentence entered his brain.

What made me fall for you, I wonder?

He didn't know. It had been so long since he’d realised his feelings after all, and longer still since those feelings had been born. Even all those years earlier, he probably wouldn’t have been able to point out the reasons clearly, never mind finding the one spark that had started it – trying to do so now seemed downright impossible.

There were so many reasons, after all.

Maybe it was because she had never considered herself a possible love interest for anyone, first when she was too engrossed in karuta and later, when she thought she didn't deserve to be one. Maybe it was her hot-headedness and her drive, and how different she'd always been from him, and yet never failed to tell him how much she'd admired and envied those qualities of his that she lacked.

Maybe it was the fact that she'd always been with him, so close and so dear and yet so impossible to grasp.

Maybe it was because she'd loved him long before either of them dared believe that was the case.

Maybe...

"Maybe," he said out loud, though in fact not loud at all, his lips moving against her forehead as he leaned in to put a kiss there, too. "Maybe, if I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more."

Edging away, Taichi saw tears gathering in her eyes. He wiped them away with his thumb, his hand cupping the side of her jaw fittingly.

And then he kissed her properly.

Just like he had wanted to ever since he'd first seen her that day.

#one-shot request #chihayafuru #taichihaya #mashima taichi #ayase chihaya #margaretwrites

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evendeadlmthehero · 5 years

Text

The Five Year Promise: The Arrival (6/10)

Summary: Y/N Stark, a 20-year-old, makes a promise with Peter Parker, a 16-year-old, that if 5 years pass and and they both haven’t found love, they’d have their first date. Then the snap happens. Y/N is gone. Peter isn’t.

Warnings: Angst. Some swearing.

A/N: this is a short/filler chapter but you guys aren’t READY for part 7

Five Year Promise Masterlist

Based on Avengers: Endgame (2018)

It was quiet in the ship. Tony was sitting by himself, not accepting food, and giving it to Nebula and Peter. Peter also didn’t feel like eating, but on day 15 on the spaceship, his stomach had begged him to eat. His cheeks were sunken and his face had lost colour. Peter no longer grieved yet was in a state of numbness.

Thoughts kept racing in his mind. Is Aunt May okay? Is Ned fine? He couldn’t deal with another loss. Thanos had won. And he truly did leave a mark on the universe. A legacy. Peter snuggled up to nothing but his arms wrapped around himself.

Tony had saw this and whilst he was asleep, he had put his jacket on him. Both him and Peter were deprived of food, meaning more susceptibility to the cold of the endless space. Nebula however was part robot, and although she was starving, her bionic side slightly eased the pain.

Everyday, Peter had nightmares of you. Sometimes it’s you turning into ash, sometimes it’s you turning into roaches and spiders. He woke up screaming, yet no sound would come out. Water had ran out, and his throat was too dry to produce sound.

On day 22 he had made a little video for his Aunt, in case he himself did not make it. He sat down, putting on his suit as he told Karen to record.

“Hey May,” he mumbled tiredly, rubbing his eyes. “It’s been 22 days. In the rare chance you get this, I’m sorry. I-I’m sorry you have to go through this again, i-if your still there. If you aren’t gone-“

He stopped himself, unable to finish that sentence. He then looked at his watch that you have given him, making bile rise up to his throat as he was reminded of what had occurred almost a month ago.

1796 days and 2 hours, it had read. He then looked back into the recorder, letting a tear leave his eye. “She’s gone. Y/N, the girl I told you about. S-she- I couldn’t save her. She didn’t want to die. She told me she didn’t want to. She was scared. She was too young. She didn’t even get to graduate. I-I don’t think I will too. Water ran out days ago and I think I heard Mr. Stark say that oxygen will run out soon. M-May, please take care of yourself. I love you a lot and thank you for all that you’ve done. T-this world hasn’t been kind to you. A-and you deserve better.”

His hand shook as he ended to video. He then slept in the same position he was in, not really wanting to move. You were gone. And this time, the suit didn’t save you. He couldn’t save you. He tried to tell himself that Thanos is a menance, that it wasn’t his fault. But then a stupid voice told him he was so close to taking off the gauntlet, if only he was just that bit stronger.

His eyes started drooping down, begging him to sleep. Peter didn’t want to succumb to it. He was so exhausted, sick of being reminded of what had happened in the form of nightmares. He hated waking up in sweat, more dehydrated then before.

And Tony wasn’t any better. His mind was consumed with malicious thoughts towards himself. And how can he not? The worst pain for a parent is losing a child. Tony had to watch his slowly decay and disingrate into ash. He had kept some of your ash in a jar he had found in the ship. Kept it just in case you’d come back.

Your dad also didn’t want to leave you on that planet. He wanted to leave your ashes in Earth, right near his mother and father. You had to be close to your grandparents.

On day 23, your father and Peter had no energy left. Peter had his ribs sticking out of his skin and his cheekbones now more prominent then before. He could feel death closer then ever.

Nebula watched as she saw both your father and Peter drift off into what had looked like sleep, but was imminently death. She felt alone, cold as she realised she was truly going to be a left alone.

All hope was lost until a bright light came near the window, making Peter and Tony open their eyes. They saw a figure in the light, thinking it was you. It had looked like your powers. The lights then dimmed down and there she stood.

An unfamiliar face of hope donning a red and blue suit.

Natasha Romanoff ran into the field as she saw a spaceship coming down from the sky. It was held by a female, a glow circling around her. Her heart was beating against her chest, awaiting to see if you were alive or gone like the rest.

When the plan had landed, Tony was the first to get out of the ship. Steve had run towards him, holding him upright. Tony then looked at his old friend in sorrow and grief. “Couldn't stop him.”

“Neither could I,” Steve had spoke as he guided Tony down. Natasha kept watching, waiting to see you arrive. She saw movement, and realised it was the Peter kid she had seen during Germany. He looked in bad shape, skinnier than ever and blue bags under his eyes.

She watched as a blue female also walked out of the ship, when Rocket, a person who she’d made friends with in the recent weeks, ran out to greet her.

Natasha’s smile faltered for a secound, little hope now left that you might actually come out of the ship. But you didn’t. Her eyes welled up as she took a look at Tony who finally made his way towards her. “I l-lost her.”

Natasha let out a little breath as she shook her head, tears streaming down her face as she grabbed Tony’s shoulder. “Tony, we lost.”

“Is, uh?,” Tony struggles to ask about Pepper. He then sees the stressful blonde run up to him, embracing him.

“Oh, my God! Oh, my God!” She gasped as she let out a sob, thinking that she lost him. She then moved back, her eyes looking for you. She then looked at Natasha, who was held by Steve to stop her from collapsing and then to Peter, who had sat down, not saying a word. “No, no, no, no, no.”

You were a simple girl, an infectious girl. You had a bubbly attitude, was fierce and determined. You were brave, heroic and a genius. And today, you were mourned.

In the Avengers Compound, the heroes sat in a living room area. Tony was sitting at a table, getting blood in order to heal. He hadn’t spoken since he got off the spaceship. He didn’t want to speak about the horrors he went through. And neither did Peter, who sat down without saying a word, also attached to a tube and a blood bag.

“It's been 23 days since Thanos came to Earth,” Rhodes spoke, the tone of his voice in complete tiredness. You were like his little niece. He had known you since you were born. He knew who your mother was, before she died giving birth to you. He knew how Tony was before and after you. He knew you since you were in diapers.

“World governments are in pieces,” Natasha’s voice wavers, too emotionally distressed to speak in her usual voice. “The parts that are still working are trying to take a census. And it looks like he did- he did exactly what he said he was gonna do. Thanos wiped out fifty percent, of all living creatures.”

“Where is he now?” Tony had asked, rubbing his bottom lip. “Where?”

“We don't know. He just opened a portal and walked through,” Steve had replied back, looking at the various images of those who vanished. Wanda, Sam and T’Challa. Then, a photo of you appeared, with a beaming smile. Peter quickly looked away playing with his fingers.

Tony swallowed the lump in his throat before looking at Thor, sitting on a bench and seemingly deep in thought. “What's wrong with him?”

“Oh, he's pissed,” Rocket spoke, making Tony look at him weirdly, not expecting him to speak. “He thinks he failed. Which of course he did, but you know there's a lot of that's going around, ain't there?”

“Honestly, until this exact second, I thought you were a Build-A-Bear,” Tony replied back, looking at him curiously.

“Maybe I am,” Rocket had spoken to himself, as he too did not know what he was.

“We've been hunting Thanos for three weeks now. Deep Space scans, and satellites, and we got nothing,” Steve spoke, before looking at your father. “Tony, you fought him-“

“Who told you that?” Your father asked harshly, looking at Steve with anger. “I didn't fight him. No, he wiped my face with a planet while the Bleecker Street Magician gave away the stone and my own daughter decayed right in front of me. That's what happened. There was no fight.”

“Did he give you any clues, any coordinates, anything?” Steve had asked him in his usual professional voice, angering Tony even more.

“I saw this coming a few years back. I had a vision. I didn't wanna believe it. Thought I was dreaming. And then Y/N had the same vision too. You all told me that I was making her crazy, that I was planting ideas in her head-“

“Tony, I'm gonna need you to focus-“

“And I needed you! As in past tense. That trumps what you need. It's too late buddy. Sorry. You know what I need?” Tony asked as he stands, pushing things off the table with a clatter. Everyone winces at the noise. “I need to shave. And I believe I remember telling all youse!”

Tony goes for Steve. Rhodey quickly comes in front of him, trying to stop him. “Tony, Tony, Tony!”

“Alive and otherwise what we needed was a suit of armor around the world! Remember that? Whether it impacted our precious freedoms or not- that's what we needed!” He yelled at Steve, the frustration and betrayal of the passed years finally exploding.

“Well, that didn't work out, did it?” Steve had spoken back, trying to get Tony to calm down. But it looked like it had the opposite effect.

“I said, "we'd lose". You said, "We'll do that together too." And guess what, cap? We lost. And you weren't there. And now my own daughter is dead. But that's what we do, right? Our best work after the fact? We're the Avengers, we're the Avengers. Not the Prevengers! Right?” Tony had yelled, his hands swaying around and hitting everything.

“You made your point. Just sit down,” Rhodey had spoke, trying to help Tony from hurting himself.

“She's great, by the way. Has similar powers to Y/N. You guys do remember Y/N right?” He then looked at Carol who looked like she didn’t want to be apart of this argument. “We need you. You're new blood. Bunch of tired old mules! I got nothing for you, cap! I got no coordinates, no clues, no strategies, no options. Zero. Zip. Nada. No trust. Liar.”

Steve looks affected by Tony's words. The old friends just gaze at each other. After a moment, Tony rips his Arc Reactor from his chest and shoves it into Steve's hand. “Here, take this. You find him, and you put that on. You hide.”

Tony falls to the ground, making everyone gather around him. He whispers “I’m fine,” before collapsing onto the ground.

“Bruce gave him a sedative. He's gonna probably be out for the rest of the day,” Rhodey told Peter who was sitting on the same couch for three hours now. “You okay man?”

Peter is snapped out of his stare before he gets up from the couch, taking the tube off his arm. “Yeah, I- I need to go check if May and Ned are fine.”

“Peter you need to recover first,” Rhodey yelled out at Peter’s retreating figure. Peter continued walking away, not listening to him. He walked outside the building and into the cool breeze. It was quiet, no sounds of birds or anything. He didn’t realise until now that Thanos really did take away half of the population.

It took a couple of days until Peter got home. No landlines were working, due to a national emergency. There was no cellphone reception because of fires and crashes. No trams, trains or buses were working, due to obvious reasons. Peter had to steal a bike and ride it back to his home.

Of course that only made him weaker. Shops and fast food outlets were abandoned, giving him a food source. It was a tough couple of days for Peter to get back home. But he had to see her. He had to see if his Aunt was okay.

His hand was shaking as he picked the key that was hidden under the mat. He held his breath as he unlocked the door of his house. The door let out a creak as it opened.

It took Peter a while before walking inside the apartment. He tried to prolong the process of finding out the truth. Delayed the inevitable. But he knew he had to at one point. So after letting out a breath, he finally stepped inside the apartment.

It was cold, wind blowing in from the half opened window. He then looked over at the kitchen, where a bunch of dishes were stacked on top of one another. He then looked at the living room and that’s when he saw it.

Ash all over the coach and floor. A broken mug and coffee stain on the carpet. It was true, you were gone.

Before Peter could mourn, he quickly ran out of the aparentment and to Ned’s house location. He passed many houses. Many old folk and children were lost, sleeping out on the streets and crying. It was a horrific scene, straight out of an apocalyptic movie. He even saw a one year old calling out for his mother.

He then caught a glimpse of the familiar house and ran in full speed towards the door, knocking. No one answered. Peter ran towards the windows, trying to find any sign of life. “Ned? Ned!”

He smashed down the window with his fist, his hand now bleeding. But he didn’t care, he had to find his friend. He looked around furiously, up and down the house. He checked and re-checked rooms, the backyard and front-yard. He then waited hours, days outside Ned’s home, hoping that he was just returning late from the trip.

But he never did.

Everyone was gone.

Taglist (CLOSED)

@kissingtrutharchives @autobotgirl15-blog @clockblobber @im-a-stranger-thing @isabella-bby @jonsnowdoesknow @fangirlingonrhys @trenchcoatedwhiskers @platonictrashh @misswritingintherain @itsbebeyyy @xs-hoodie @callmedaddys-blog @fangirling12566 @editsbyjenny @bubblegumholland @hollandinq @lordofthunderthr @hgacutan @colored-confetti @legendarydazekitten @maya-t-13 @house-arya @cutie1365 @buckysblondie @clipopex-writing @wifunozomi @babebenhardy @sadgirlhours247 @sweetdarlingholland @taliarosej00

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rogue-barnes-16 · 5 years

Text

BLUE

Summary: Y/n tries to bury her feelings after making a terribly bad decision about Bucky that destroyed what they had. It backfires in the worst possible way.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Genre: 90% angst

Tags:

Submitted for @blushycarol's writing challenge.

Permanent taglist: @notexactlythatgirl @thisismysecrethappyplace @sofreakinmanyfandoms @pizzarollpatrol @bubblycypress87 @1a-girl-has-no-name1 @loislp @lovenaturefirst @dyanna-corona @2ptonpt @goodnightmode @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @mannls @cutie1365 @catch22inareddress @mybooradley @sebastianisasnack @butifulsoul125 @unlikelygalaxygiver

Warnings: language, makeout, implicit sex, feels™️

A/N: this is my prompted songfic for blushycarol's writing challenge! It took a turn like, ngl I did whatever the fuck I wanted with the song but it fits so there it goes, enjoy <3.

Rogue-barnes-16 masterlist

We've broken up and now I regret it

I said goodbye when I shouldn't have said it

"I fixed your boy. He's awake now." She spoke through the wakandan device. "Figured you'd want to see him."

Yeah, it was the princess of Wakanda herself who decided to call me —not even Steve, me— to inform me that the man I loved had finally awaken.

A couple of hours later, T'challa did with Steve the same thing Shuri had done with me, and soon we both left to reach the hidden city.

We met with Bucky.

Steve cried a couple of times, Bucky laughed in a few occasions, and I stayed rather quiet almost the entire time.

After two days, Steve left with the promise of coming back, but I stayed just because I had missed him so much, I didn't feel like saying goodbye just yet.

Despite this, we didn't talk much in those months I had stayed with him. It wasn't like we spoke a lot before, but now it felt different.

I knew why; it was because of me. Because maybe, just maybe, I was terrified that this new version of him, that healed James Barnes, wouldn't love me like his broken self did.

We had reached a point where I didn't know what we were any longer, and I was 100% sure that the feeling was mutual, we were just too scared to talk it out.

I took the easiest, most despicable way and, one morning, I left Wakanda, hoping to spare my heart and breaking his in the process.

A week later I was back, suited up and ready to fight the deadliest threat I would have faced in my whole life.

I survived.

Bucky didn't, and the only thing I could think was that had lost him, and the last words I said to him were 'this is over, I'm leaving you'.

Five Years Later

I even cried but I never meant it

And I don't know why but I can't forget it, forget it

When Fury paired us to go on a mission, I thought it would be easy due to the action, but it turned out to be a watch, and suddenly everything was ten times more difficult.

We had been in silence for at least a long, tedious hour, in a dark room with two windows, waiting for the target to appear, when Bucky spoke.

"Is it true?" I, pretty much confused, turned my head to him, whose eyes were already on me, his back reclined against the wall before me. "that you cried for me." his voice held kinds of fear that I had never heard in him.

"who told you that?" I inquired, starting to get anxious because no one was supposed to know that; no one had seen me breaking down every night for months because of him.

"Steve." he replied, digging his eyes on mines. "Did you?"

My fight or flight instincts made me shook my head no as an initial response, only because of the sudden panic flooding through my veins. "I mean yes- I- no I mean I- I cried for everyone and I just... it-" I attempted to calm myself down before letting out a propper sentence. "it meant nothing. I did, I just didn't... I felt guilty" I finished, my heart racing and pounding as if it would leave my chest. "for everyone I couldn't save."

He didn't say anything else, nor did I.

After our short chat everything was even worse, because I was no longer focused now that the sorrow I had felt those nights was replaying in my head non-stop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gimme love, gimme dreams, gimme a good self esteem

We remained distant, but at some point, Bucky started to compliment me, to make nice comments, to give me quick smiles and fast 'thank you's, and I would be lying if I said I didn't treasure them.

"You look... great." He'd shyly say whenever I got dolled up.

"Great shot" he would state breathless, passing me by during a mission, to which I would just nod. "Thank for having my back."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Your hair..." he once trailed off with a frown, resting his elbows over the counter.

"yeah, I needed a change." for a second, the part of me I had hidden crawled up to the surface and I asked. "You... Don't like it?"

"No- I mean yes- I- I really like it." he assured me with bittersweet smile. "It fits you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gimme good and pure, what you waiting for?

Gimme everything, all your heart can bring

Something good and true

I don't wanna feel blue anymore

"Barnes and you." Sharon spoke, closing the pantry's door behind her.

"what?" I questioned, turning to her for a moment while she raised her eyebrow at me.

"what are you playing at, Y/n?" she asked, a bit of concern being noticeable in her tone.

We weren't close. No, no we hadn't grown closer, but I sometimes would sit right besides him during Saturday's take-out night, near enough for our thighs to brush.

I'd let him play with my hair from time to time, I'd allow him to come to my room in the middle of the night to lay with me after a nightmare here and there.

I wouldn't complain when his hands held my cheeks in the aftermath of a rough mission, his eyes scanning me with worry and sorrow while pain would most likely be rushing through my body.

I wouldn't scold him if he ever picked me up to carry me into the medical wing after I had gotten injured, even if I could walk. Maybe I would even cling on his neck, feeling his heartbeat fastening.

"We're not playing." I replied noctant, pouring four glasses of wine for all of us.

"Y/n" I sighed. "why are you doin' this to him? You're gonna hurt him and you."

"I don't wanna feel blue." I confessed in a mutter. "no one'll get hurt, I just... Need what he gives me."

Sharon stared at me dumbfounded for a couple of seconds before shaking her head and leaving, mumbling something my ears couldn't catch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gimme one more night

One last goodbye

Let's do it one last time

One more time

It was during Sam's birthday that I gathered the courage to do what I, deep inside, so badly wanted to do.

I saw my opportunity the moment Bucky approached the barcounter to grab some random drink.

I left mine on a shelf and rushed to reach him and I passed by him, but on my way out of the room, my hand discreetly found his and tugged him with me.

I didn't stop until we reached the nearest room , which happened to be the bathroom.

Without a word, I got him inside and closed the door, backing against it and, with his fingers still intertwined with mine, I pulled Bucky into a kiss.

He stopped after a few seconds. His eyes were sad as he gazed into mines, and I felt a lump in my throat.

"I..." my attempt to speak triggered my tears, and his response was to cares my cheeks and peck my lips.

The terror I had felt 5 years ago of me not being good enough for him to love me anymore came back. My heart pounded against my chest, the voice in the back of my head simultaneously begging me to stop.

"I need this... Just..." I fisted his shirt, bringing him closer to me. "one last time... Please I-"

"are you drunk right now?" he questioned, putting a strand of hair away from my face.

"No." I half lied, pulling him to me into a needy kiss which quickly escalated.

No, I don't love you

No, I don't care

I just want to be held when I'm scared

And all I want is one night with you

Just 'cause I'm selfish

I know it's true

What had happened in the party was never spoken about, nor mentioned.

We had swept it under the rug for both of our sakes —mostly for mine.

We didn't sleep together again, but in very few occasions, I would end up tugging him to some dark place where we were alone and make out until I was out of breath.

Each time that happened, for some reason I didn't understand, Bucky always whispered me the same question.

"Do you love me?"

To which I answered a breathless, painful 'no' that would most likely end up crushing my heart because of the heavy weight that lie carried.

My nightmares at some point had gotten worse, now involving Bucky getting hurt almost every time, so, whenever I woke up in cold sweat with tears in my eyes, gasping his name, I would make my way to his room and lay down besides him.

He would wake up the moment my body touched the mattress, and, as soon as I was under the sheets, he would pull me into his chest with his arms around me, asking me the same question every time.

"what was it about?"

To which I selfishly responded with:

"don't wanna talk. Just hold me, please."

I'm sick of looking after you

I need a man to hold on to

I'm bored of everything we do

But I just keep coming back to you

The first time I snuck under his sheets I promised myself it would be just that one night, that I would allow myself to be so fucking selfish just for one night, but his embrace was so comforting, so welcoming, and his heartbeat and breathing were so soothing, that I ended up being selfish every damn time.

One night, instead of reaching his room scared and trembling, I reached it with anger and frustration taking over my body.

I shut the door loud enough to make him sit upright, staring at me concerned.

"I'm fucking tired of this" I growled. "I'm tired of this nightmares, I'm sick of seeing you dying, I'm fucking done with looking after you in every mission more than I look after myself" I reached a point where I was close to shout as I stepped to the bed. "I want this to fucking stop!"

"Y/n-"

"I can't keep up with this anymore, I'm going crazy because it's ALWAYS THE SAME SHIT."

"You're tired." he stated, climbing off the bed to hesitantly step to me. "You need to sleep."

"I need to fucking get this off my damn chest!" a choked sob escaped my lips. "I keep coming back to you and I hate myself because of this! Because this is my fault!"

"Y/n please..." he wrapped his arms around me and I fought him a little before giving in, breaking down to tears the moment he kissed my temple.

"I was so scared of you not loving me anymore that I fucked everything up" I managed to explain in a vague mumble between sobs. "You're okay and I was fucking scared of not being good enough- I still am... I just keep making it worse!"

He stroke my hair and pulled me even closer. "Doll..."

The door few open and I heard Sam's voice behind me. "What was that? Are you-" Bucky shook my head over me and signaled Sam to leave.

"I love you so much please I'm sorry" he pulled me to the bed without letting go of me and threw the blanket over us.

"I know you do." he assured me intertwining his fingers with mines and placing a kiss on my knuckles. "I love you. I always will." he whispered soothingly.

Gimme everything, all your heart can bring

Something good and true

I don't wanna feel blue anymore

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savysavannah · 3 years

Text

Challenge 1

Special thanks to @damian-schreave and @hadleyjaneharper for the rps.

Also the last section is not in fic format because its 2am, im lazy, and you get the gyst from the RP. Apperantly this is too long so part 2 soon.

The Prince was off in Paloma for a bit so we were of little use in the Palace, no idea why they had us move in so early. Therefore, I’d spent most of the day with some books I’d grabbed from the library. Primarily they were legal books since it never hurts to brush up. But every once in a while, such as now I’d need to go and grab some food.

I brought my notepad and a book on contract law with me and walked into the kitchen. There was another girl also in the kitchen. We haven't spoken to each other, she didn’t seem unfriendly or particularly awful company, just hadn’t really had the moment to. I grabbed a plate of fruit and wondered if she would say anything. After a moment I sat down and resumed reading.

Then a small sad sigh came from the young woman who was looking down at her phone with a sad face. It wouldn’t be too bad if I took a break for some conversation. However, the young woman looked troubled, she may not be in the mood. I yawned and stretched then mumbled, but loud enough for her to hear, “God, I could use a drink.” and wondered if the other would take the bait.

There was a beat before the other spoke, “Long day?”

“More or less. Lots of reading, missing work. How about yourself?”

She shrugged “Its...different than what I’m used to. Lots of sitting still when I’m used to spending my days moving around.” SHe grimaces then sighed, “The adjustment period is always the toughest, though.”

I thought for a moment trying to remember the occupations of the selected, “The dancer?” I asked.

She grinned “Yeah. Hadley.” She raised an eyebrow, “And you?”

“Lawyer.” I said and stood from the table, walked over to Hadley and held her hand out, “Savannah Mars, Labrador, three.”

She shook my hand, “Nice to meet you.” then thought for a moment, “You said you were missing work? Do you work at a law firm?”

“Kinda. I work for the Illean Civil Liberties Union in their legal division. It's a non-profit which focuses on civil rights and for me civil legal cases. Lgbt+ rights defense, domestic defense, that sort of thing.”

“Oh, that’s really cool.” She said, seeming actually interested in my work. “Are you missing the casework, or something else?”

“It's pretty hard for me to step back from my work. Since I'm kind of left worrying about my clients. A new guy took over my cases but I'm trying to still work in my own way by studying up on some legal sections I work in less frequently but still may come up. Such as contract law.” I explained not fully hearing her other question.

She nodded, “I understand, sort of. I’m left worrying about how my ballet company is going to perform, with somebody else taking over the role in the Nutcracker that I’ve had the past few years.”

“Yeah the transition really is nerve wracking. Have you seen them perform though?” I asked hoping that could at least provide some solace.

“I’ve seen pictures on Instagram, but no videos yet. We were just finishing up our performance of Cinderella when I left. Nutcracker rehearsal started a few days after, but it’s a show we do each year, so... “ She sighed “ It /should/ be fine.”

I nodded, “well if they assigned them the role try and have faith in their qualifications. That's what I'm keeping in mind for mine. They did go to law school so it's fine. They got the role so it’s fine.” I said partially for her and partially for me.

She sighed a little hesitant, “Yeah, you’re probably right. Competition is just gonna be a bitch and a half when I’m sent back.” She chuckled wryly.

“Well maybe you'll win and then you won't have too. Who’s gonna take a role away from the future queen of Illea.”

“That’s extremely unlikely to happen.” She then almost smirked “What about you? If you win, nobody’s going to tell you no in a courtroom.”

I laughed, “If I win I'll kill myself.” Then I realized how dark that sounded, though it didn’t seem to phase her.

“I hate to say that I feel the same way, but…” She shrugged and nodded, “I feel the same way” For a moment I was confused, why would she join if she felt the same way? Then it clicked, a dancer would be a five, lower class, need the money.

“You're a five right? Did you apply for the money? If you don't mind my asking that is. It would just make sense why you'd dislike to win.”

“It…” She bit her lip, “Kind of? It’s a long story involving a deadbeat mom, a shitty health care system, two starving artists, and a kid with leukemia.” She said with an apologetic smile. Whatever she’d be apologizing for I can’t say.

“Well shit man, I'm glad you got in then. Both for the money and for a break from that. I know this society fucking sucks and we've got a likely shit for brains hier, but if you ever need a lawyer I'm here to help. Hopefully, being a three now will provide some help for you too.” I said then caught myself making a mental note to not be so vulgar with my language.

She gave me a small smile, “Thanks. Now I just have to figure out what I’m doing with the rest of my life, after throwing my career into dance, only to become a Three.” She laughed, “What about you? Why did you enter? It sounds like you had a pretty cushy gig going on.”

It wouldn’t be smart to tell the truth, but lying when Hadley had been so open felt wrong, I sighed and said, “My brother. Basically he forged my entry and I didn't want him to get into legal troubles for that. He's a fucking idiot.” I sighed and let that last cuss word slide as he is a fucking idiot.

She snorted, “Men really do only have two brain cells.” She gave a small smile, “I’m sorry that you ended up in that situation, though. That’s rough.”

“Yeah. I tried to beat him up but my other brothers stopped me. It was really a mess. Had to find out from a waitress asking for a photo with me.”

She shook her head, “My best friend told me that he was so upset to see me, “throwing my life away,” as if I hadn’t entered to help him and his brother.” Sounds like an ungrateful ass. She sighed and looked down at her fruit, “When did life get this messed up?”

A question with too big of an answer. A bit panicked and not knowing what to say I took a strawberry off my plate and held it out to her, “Fruit?”

She chuckled and took the strawberry, “Thanks.” She takes a bit, chews, and then pauses, looking at Savannah, “You know what I could really go for right now, though? A good gin and tonic.”

“God that'd be great. You know what, let's make some. One glass can't hurt.”

She shrugged, “Sure, sounds fun. I’m down.” She looks around, “I know they keep the wine in that cabinet, but I haven’t found the liquor yet.”

After gathering our ingredients we get to work making the glasses, “so, what's your plan in all this?”

“In the selection?” She raises an eyebrow and then shrugs, she starts pouring things into the mixer bottle, “Stay here for as long as I can so I keep making stimulus checks, and then get sent home before I’m stuck spending the rest of my life here.” She finishes pouring and looks at Savannah, “You?”

I sighed, “about the same. Give the money to the non-profit I work for. I was hoping I could root for you to win, you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders to influence him, but the more I think about it the more I realize that's like damning to hell.

She snorts, “Well, I still appreciate the compliment, and I would’ve said the same about you.” Then she sighs, “I’ve always known that it’s been like this, though. He gets to squander every penny he has on luxury shit, whereas my paychecks…” another sigh, “But life isn’t fair.”

“Yeah. And then waste the money on useless shit and trying to pass dumb laws like making 'cats' illegal instead of actually fixing the problems in this country.” I said and poured myself a glass of the drink.

She poured some for herself and then shook her head with an eye roll, “Don’t even get me started on that debacle. Why even joke about things like that?”

“Because he doesn't comprehend how the people of his own country are suffering. He's just so blind with privilege. Not that I have much to speak on but at least I freaking try to think about others in the country and their situations.”

She gave me a small smile, “You didn’t seem like the type to blow your money on worthless things to me, at all. I don’t even know what I’m going to say to him when we have that interview in a few days.”

“Yeah I think im just gonna be polite for the sake of not causing a scene that'll haunt me my whole life” I said and took a sip, then clarified, “polite though, not kind.”

She nodded then drank too, “I really went from putting on one type of show for Twos to another.”

“Any idea what you're gonna do as a three?” I asked.

She pursed her lips and shook her head, “I haven’t taken a science or maths class since I was eleven, and I don’t have the money for university. I guess I could work as a translator, or if that doesn’t work out, marry a five and go back to dancing.” She took another sip of her drink, “Hopefully I’ll be here long enough to figure it out.”

“Do they not have like threes who are dance teachers? I haven't really looked much into the area myself but it may make sense.”

She shook her head, “For me, at least, it was mostly Russian immigrants who were former dancers themselves, so Fives.”

I thought for a moment, “Well if you ever need history lessons, english, or legal aid I'm around. I dug into my pocket and pulled out a business card, since it’s not like either of us plan to be here long, “Just all the way up in Labrador. Where are you from again?”

“Allens. So, not too far. Thanks.” She replied and looked at the card.

“Welcome.” I replied, finished off my drink then wrote down another idea.

Hadley narrowed her eyes curiously, “What are you writing?”

“Just an idea for a proposition with the ICLU. There are probably other girls in a similar situation as you being lower caste now upper be it through marriage or selection, it may be helpful to talk about implementing a caste readjustment program.”

She lifted her head, smiling just a little, “That sounds like a great idea.” Then a little quieter she added, “I'd appreciate it.”

“Hopefully my boss will agree and pass it onto the innovation department. I'll write a quick memo about it to her later.” I smiled happy to have something to do.

“You really love your job, don't you?” She asked.

I nodded, “It makes me feel like I have some kinda purpose. As cheesy as that is to say.” Making actual change in Illea instead of just prancing around doing whatever else I could have grown up to do.

“No, I get that.” She looked down, “As a kid, I never really felt like I belonged, but on the stage, dancing?” She looked a little distant, “Standing out was a good thing.”

I nodded, “Mhm. Have you thought of ways you could continue working while at the palace?”

She smiled, “Actually, I had a conversation with Prince Eaton about that, and I’ve been able to work out a schedule that allows me to still practice, even though I have to do a little more work to catch up on lessons.”

“That'll be good. If you wanted too you could put on a performance and donate the profits. That way you could be working towards a goal too instead of general practice.”

She tilted her head, “That's an interesting idea. I’ll keep that in mind.”

I nodded, “Well it was nice meeting you, Lady Hadley. But it is probably time for me to get back to work.” Then held out my hand to shake goodbye.

She took it, giving it a shake. “Nice to meet you too.”

It was pretty late in the afternoon by the time I was escorted to the interview room. Damian was in a navy blue suit jacket, dress pants, and a white button up shirt. He smiled at me as I got closer. His eyes flicker to my nametag for a second before he speaks, “Hello, Lady Savannah. It’s a pleasure to meet you in person.”

I smiled trying to stay polite, then gave a small curtsy, “The same to you, your highness.”

He smiled back, taking a few steps back and gestured for me to go into the interview room. In the room is a sofa, surrounded by stage lights and a few cameras, what a romantic first meeting. There is one camera on a swivel stand, that is currently focused on Damian and I. He starts walking into the room, looking at me as he talks, "How have you found your first few days here, so far?"

I debated giving him a short one word answer of 'fine' but Danny's words of 'don't ruin your own happiness" slipped into my head. "They've been fine. I've enjoyed your library. It's helped me feel like I can in some ways continue working by catching up on legal matters normally outside of my areas of expertise."

He nodded while smiling then took a seat on the sofa, "So you're a lawyer, then? What kind of law do you practice?"

Reluctantly I sat next to him, hopefully I wouldn't catch an STD from proximity alone, "Yes, I practice primarily civil and criminal law with the Illean Civil Librities Union. So primarily defending people who are in bad situations due to outdated laws which need amending." My tone came out more passive aggressive than intended, but it was slightly justified as he should have been working to amend said laws and help people instead of partying.

"That's a great thing, to be doing. What got you into law?"

"Well I was at the University of Labrador. My best friend I'm the sorority I was in decided to go to a protest over women's rights in illea. We went, someone man came and antagonized some women, she defended herself verbally, got arrested, felt up by the officer, then was unable to do anything legally about it. I felt that was unfair so I decided to look into being a lawyer, liked the process, graduated in 2 years, went to Yale and here I am."

He lets out a low whistle, looking down for a second. I couldn't help but be a but prideful at my accomplishment, then looks back up at me, more serious than before, his jaw tense, "I'm really sorry that happened to your friend." He said and fell silent. What a conversation killer.

"It's fine." I said trying not to dwell on it, "How was your time in undergrad? Partied a lot, I saw." I said the passive agressiveness coming out again.

He smiled, a little more relaxed than before, but not as relaxed as he was when he first entered the room, "I enjoyed my last few years of freedom before entering the real world, yes." He then raised his eyebrows, grinning a little wider, kind of teasing, "And what about you? Being in a sorority and all, I doubt you were much of a homebody yourself."

I couldn't help but completely flush and bit down my urge to absolutely smack him upside the head. "It was a brief phase. It was fun. But also a waste of time." I chuckled a bit remembering my airheaded behavior in that year, "had I already been working harder I may have been able to finish faster and help more people."

He grinned a little at how flustered I was, which just made me want to punch him more, then smiled a little more genuinely towards the end, "We're still young. We have our whole lives to keep fixing things."

i frowned, "That isn't true. We never know when we're going to die. Something could always happen so we should be trying to help as much as we can. Not to mention while we" I paused after my slip of the tongue, but didn't correct it "partied in undergrad people were suffering who could have been helped."

There's a flicker of a frown on his face when I mentioned how short life is, but he lets it go, tilting his head when he looks at me, "We can't save everyone. That's impossible. We can try to do as much as we can, but there will always be more people in need of help.

"Partying isn't trying."

He raised his eyebrows, "You didn't even know you wanted to be a lawyer, back when you were partying in college."

I got kinda flustered again, he's right, there's no logically sound way to win. Yeah but I should have, I wish I had. Would have made the time a lot less regrettable." I said then cleared my throat, "Though, this is a bit of a heavy topic for our first meeting, don't you agree? Your- Damian." I barely corrected myself from saying Your Highness.

He chuckled, "A bit, but it's different from the surface level talk about work and provinces." He inclined his head, "Though, if you think about it, you never would have discovered your passion for law if you hadn't joined your sorority." He shrugged and gave a stupid grin which made me blush even more.

Finally I snapped and turned to point a finger at him, "You won okay. I can't regret something if I didn't know to do something better, but that doesn't make topless jello shots any less of an embarrassing memory." I exclaimed then heard what I said and wished to curl into a ball and die.

He chuckled a little, "We all have our moments. It's okay."

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door then, and a guard pokes his head in. Damian nods at him, then turns and looks at me, "Unfortunately, we'll have to exchange stories another time. It appears our time today is up."

I sighed in relief at my rescue, then mumbled under my breath, "Thank God." I stood to curtsy, "Your-" I cringed a bit at the error, "Damian."

He chuckled again, "It was a pleasure to meet you Savannah. Until next time." He smiled at me when we got to the door, and stopped in the doorway.

I smiled back politely, "Thank you for the conversation. Till next time."

*savy was taking a break from her work and decided to out for a walk in the gardens. She had always been a fan of taking runs when stressed snd the gardens were providing a peaceful alternative. She was walking around when she thought she saw a bunny in the bushes. Being the gal she is she wanted to see it closer so she stepped off the path and walked into the gravel. Immediately her heel sank in the gravel. She lost her balance for a moment but didnt fall. Instead she panicked. She debated stepping out of her shoes to get it out but she didnt wanna hurt her skin on the gravel. Instead she tried to wiggle it loose and hopped no one was near*

*rip savannah, but Damian is out distressing by playing basketball at that point in time, and from where he's standing as he shoots this basket, he can see someone clearly struggling with something in the gardens. he can't see who it is, or what the problem is, but he figures he should go check it out. he tucks the basketball under one arm, jogging towards the person he can see, calling out* Hey, everything okay?

*savannah hears him call out an knows immediately it's the last person in the world she'd want to find her like this* Absolutely peachy! *calls back and debates ditching the shoes*

*he slows to a stop when he gets closer, his eyes going from savannah's face to her foot* Mmm, looks like you've got yourself in a bit of a sticky situation, there.

*is extremely flustered* no situation at all. I said I'm fine. *aggressively wiggles the heel and almost trips so she squeaks but manages to catch herself*

*when he sees her almost trip, he lunges forwards to catch her before she hits the ground, but then she catches herself, so he's like "oh was that for nothing?" he looks down at the shoe, furrowing his brows, thinking* Here, let me help with that, before you actually fall.

I'm not going to fall and I don't need your help. I'm perfectly capable of defeating some gravel on my own

*he takes a step back* Alright... if you insist... *hes not going anywhere, just watching her, waiting to see what she'll do*

*huffs when she doesnt hear him walk away and continues to wiggle then huffs when shes not getting anywhere* Fine. If you're just going to stand there anyways you may as well help.

*he chuckles, setting the basketball down on the ground, kneeling down to look at the gravel and the heel, before beginning to dig the heel out with his fingers* Not the best shoes to walk off the path in.

*rolls her eyes* I didn't think about that. I thought I saw a bunny and got distracted

*he can't help but raise his eyebrows at that, grinning, twisting the heel a little to unscrew it from the gravel* Was it at least a cute bunny?

*his tone is a little teasing*

It was cute, be careful with your tone though when your face is near my foot. *once its free she steps back on the path so she doesn't sink again*

*he chuckles, joking* What, are you planning on giving me a royal nose job with your shoe?

You could probably use one. *offers a hand to help him stand back up*

*he picks up his basketball, taking her hand, still grinning at her, teasing* Maybe it's just the angle you've been looking at it from.

*stands on her tiptoes looking at his nose* Nope. It's a little off. Nose job it is.

*she pinches his nose* its a big flaw. Doubt you'll be able to get a wife like that

*he chuckles* I don’t know, my nose has never gotten in my way before

*considers* You're right, I'm sure that was just your sense of responsibility that got in the way.

*he raises his eyebrows* You know, I’ve never turned in an assignment late, or anything for work late. Never asked for an extension.

I somehow find that doubtful. Your reputation of being a loose partier precedds that of a responsible duitiful person.

Well, it’s the truth. *he shrugs* If you’re really curious, you could email my professors. It’s all about finding a balance. *he smiles*

*grumbles because he seems to be honest about it* What did you even study?

I dual majored in political science and marketing. You?

*sighs in relief* at least you werent a buisness major. Political Science and History for me on a prelaw track.

*he nods, smiling, genuinely curious* Did you prefer one over the other?

Probably political science. I mean I love history it's why I added it. For fun since it's just like learning stories and seeing the modern day impact of said stories. But political science felt more efficient. Like it helped me have a better understanding of the philosophy of political thinking which has helped me a lot in law. Plus I just liked the professors more.

*he smiles* Understandable. Good professors make it so much easier to learn the content

*smiles* yeah and lots and lots of highlighters. Did you have a favorite topic in political science?

*grinning* I took a really cool course on comparative political economies - I really like the economic side of things. That, and the classes I had to take on international politics. *he looks over at savannah* What about you?

Probably civil politics. I've always been a fan of civil work. I honestly thought about working for the AFEI instead of the ICLU but decided I wanted to do more personal legal work than policy legal work. But it's always been the work that has interested me more since it's important to bring up civil conflicts within the country and try to help as much as possible. But learning about where we came from in terms of The United States vs the civil policies of Illea was an interesting course for me, especially because of the overlap of History and Political Science.

*he nods as she talks, thinking that all over* I think work guided what classes I liked as well. Because beyond national politics, I also have to think about international politics, trade agreements, and maintaining Illéa’s position in the world.

*seems slightly surprised* so you actually liked your major? I assumed you just were kinda forced to pick it

I was kind of forced to, but I could still pick the classes that interested me more. *He shrugs* Plus I really enjoyed my marketing major.

*thinks for a moment* Can I ask you something and have an honest answer? No bullshit PR answer. I'm just trying to figure out if we can trust you to be our future king through this, at the very least.

Sure *he nods, pursing his lips a little* Ask away.

Do you actually want to be the king of this country? Like aside from the perks you have from it, do you care about the work?

I do care. *he pauses, swallowing* I really do. It’s just...it’s a lot of pressure to accept from a young age.

*she thinks for a moment* Noted. Thank you for your honesty. *Looks at the basketball* Do you play much?

*he smiles kind of sadly* Not as much as I used to. I’ve gotten a little busy helping to run the country, and such.

*gets an idea* Do you wanna make a bet with me?

*he grins* Depends on what it is

Basketball. I'm working on a program right now with the ICLU, a coworker wants to come visit me and discuss about it but appreantly work visits aren't allowed during this. If I can get more hoops in you'll arrange that?

*he furrows his brows* Better yet, I could just organize for your coworker to visit under the guise of another event going on. Just give me a few weeks to work out the details.

*kinda chuckles because shes competitive* oh? Youre scared you'll lose? But if that's what you prefer

*he laughs* No, I just know I’d win, and I’d hate to deny you the ability to see your coworker

Fine. You'll set up the meeting, then I'll just prove to you that I would win had their beem stakes.

*he narrows his eyes at her, extending a hand to shake, still grinning* Deal

*shakes it firmly then kicks off her heels planning to walk to the court barefoot.* Would be an unfair advantage for me to still be in them

*he raises his eyebrows* Why, they helped square up the height difference between us, at the very least *he chuckles*

*almost elbows him over that but barely stops herself* I don't need that help. I'm perfectly capable of crushing you independent of my shoes

*he laughs* I played basketball in uni, you know?

As did I. Well- not in a club. A guy who I was *ponders for a moment* acquainted with, played it therefore I played with him and his friends fairly often

*he raises his eyebrows* And how tall was your acquaintance? Because I’m used to playing with people my height, but also my mom and sister, who are - *he puts his hand somewhere around his shoulder because they’re 5’4” and 5’5”* - about this tall

He was around 6'3. His friends the same or more. Don't worry I'm well aware of the disadvantage of my height and very prepared to utilize it

*he chuckles* Oh, I’ve got to see this. *when they get to the court he starts dribbling the ball casually, walking towards the middle of the court* Do you want to start with the ball, or should I?

*thinks for a moment and puts her shoes down on the edge of the court and rolls up the bottoms of her dress pants a bit* You can start with it.

*he raises his eyebrows at her rolling up her dress pants, but he nods* Okay, if you insist. *he waits until he’s ready before starting the play*

*she walks up prepared to steal since she cant block*

*he starts dribbling more seriously, quickly maneuvering around her, taking three large steps with the ball, and then shoots a basket, and it goes in*

*she kinda huffs about that dislikes. But once he has the ball again she tries again, this time getting it and doing her UNDER THE LEGS MOVE AND SHOOTS*

*he turns around, a little in shock* That is not a legal move!

Hmmm *puts her finger to her chin very smug* I dont think it explicitly says in the rules that you're not allowed too. You use your height I'll use mine *VERY SMUG*

*he narrows his eyes* Fine, best 2 out of 3? Whoever gets this next shot wins, then

*SHES BEING COCKY NOW* Aw is the wittle princey calling it quits so soon? His fragile ego damaged? *bats her eyes teasingly*

*he narrows his eyes* Fine, best three out of five, then. *he starts dribbling the ball right from here he is, and it’s a long shot to his basket from there, but he’s pretty confident, so he goes for it, and somehow it actually goes in. he raises his eyebrows at her* Still think you’re gonna win?

*crosses her arms* That was luck. *goes to get the ball since shes closer*

Or just sheer skill. *he smirks a little*

*turns to face him just to roll her eyes and gets the ball. She then dribbles it back to the middle or something idk how basketball works*

*he follows her to the middle, standing in front of her, knees bent in that “ready” position idk wtf it’s called lmao*

*that position makes knees wide so she dribbles and goes to do her fast under the leg move again*

*he sees it coming this time, and takes a few steps back, keeps his arm in front of him to reach for the ball, which he gets, and then dribbles across to the the hoop he has to score in, taking the shot, and watching it go in again. he grabs the ball as it bounces back up, raising his brows at savannah* One more, or are you good? *he grins a little*

*huffs again and crosses her arm* Fine we'll call it at 3 to 1. But in my defense it's been awhile.

*he grins* Well, you’re always welcome to practice out here with me, if you want.

I can't tell if you're being taunting or not *rolls her eyes and walks up to him then holds out her hand to shake for the end of the game*

*he takes her hand and shakes, then gives her a genuine smile* No taunting. I mean it. I’d love to have someone new to play with.

I'll consider it then. I am getting slightly bored of your homes running path for exercise.

*smiles back even tho she doesnt wanna because it was a nice offer*

*he tilts his head from side to side* Yeah, the running trail through the gardens is kind of short. There are better ones /in/ Angeles, if you ever want to check them out

Not sure I'm allowed to just waltz on out of here, but I'd love the names of any you know. My grandmother lives near her so I'm sure I'll be visiting soon enough after this if not immediately so.

*he shrugs* I could also drive you sometime, if you want. I /do/ have a car.

*seems a bit surprised* You know how to drive?

*he furrows his brows* Of course! I got my license as soon as I was legally allowed to.

But its not like you need too? Don't you have like drivers?

*he looks a little confused and taken aback* I’m sure some exist, but why would I want someone else to drive me when I could be free and drive myself?

I'm not sure. I just know rich people, like for example my cousin *mumbles for a moment to find the phrasing* So my grandmother is in charge of the Mars Candy Corporation. My mom's older brother Nathaniel will be taking over it, his kids also my cousins all have drivers. They're like twenty something now but Jackson is always bragging about how he doesn't have to take the effort to drive himself places. I just assumed other people who could afford them would have them, especially busy people who could work instead of drive.

*he blinks* Wow, I never even would have considered that. *he shakes his head* No, I like driving. Being able to roll the windows down and blast the music...it’s like a few moments of freedom. *he shrugs, smiling a little sadly*

*she noticed the smile then something clicks* so freedom is your vice. You act out to feel free, thus the partying. You mentioned earlier the responsibility of being a prince being am influence on the partying. A lack of freedom makes sense. *she knows shes getting too personal but her curiosity and worry for the future gets the best of her* But what does that mean you're going to do when you're king? You'll have even less. How do you plan to maintain that restriction without bursting and needing freedom?

*he stiffens a little at her analysis because damn it’s spot on, but sighs towards the end* Getting as much out of life as I can now. I always knew what my future held for me. So I can plan accordingly. *he forces a small grin, trying to joke* Besides, with any luck, I’ll be old and almost out of energy by the time I’m king.

*furrows her eyebrows concerned* That doesn't work. *sighs* Believe me I'd know. But we aren't wired to run off memories. Instead we develop habits and coping mechanisms. Everyone snaps from time to time, you'll go back to what made you happy last. For you I assume that'll be partying. Which is something you can't do as king, and assuming it wont be till your old isn't right either, regardless of if that was a joke it's not something that you can lean on since millions of people could be relying on you and you'd be unprepared. You are going to be king, You are not going to have freedom, you are going to be under immense pressure and responsibility, honest answer, what are you going to do when you need to snap?

*he narrows his eyes at her, this time more out of irritation than anything else, and he’s a little sarcastic* Gee, thanks for the reminder. Though, for the record, I /haven’t/ partied since uni, and I have no plans to in the near future. So perhaps I’ll rely on my other coping mechanism, such as basketball, or taking a drive.

Yeah well it's the truth and uni wasn't that long ago. It's hard to break habits. I mean I partied like 4 times a month in undergrad and I still use it. That was forever ago but that's not how humans work. You're gonna lean on what you've leaned on. You're going to get shitfaced, you're going to want what you used to have, you're gonna idolize those times in uni and want them back. But you're not going to have it and it's going to be hard and shitty but you have to tough it out because of the country that relies on you and this is proving to me that you're not going to be a reliable King for the people who need you.

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rixxy8173571m3w1p3 · 4 years

Text

The Truths Found On Petram Viridios IV (3/?)

A/n: this is a long chapter. Hope you guys like it. In this chapter I referenced @hoodoo12 fic Inked

Read Part 1, Part 2

________

Chapter 3: Do You?

"Are you having a good time?" he wondered as you were picking at your meal, and drawing faces in it.

"It's been pleasant enough." you admitted; shifting in your seat to sit up properly. "You've certainly made it easy on me."

You appreciated how the time passed so easily with the chemist's want and eagerness for conversation. He was well-spoken, and nothing lacked but whether it was you or your wandering mind, you had the feeling of wanting to go home; to relax on Rick's couch and watch a silly movie, but the night would go on. Intrigued by your earlier statement, V'gha studied you for a moment, not so unlike the way Zeta-7 would. Flexing his thick fingers, and smirking as though he had found the secrets of the universe and not intending on sharing it, he rested his chin on his now clasped hands."Would you care to elaborate?"

"Sure. I believe it's because, despite our differences, you're not so bad. I was worried that you were going to be overly serious, but it's been fun chatting with you."

"Well," he started, "I hope you won't be offended by me saying this, but I thought you were going to be more Neanderthal."

"You know," you giggled. "I get that a lot."

It never occurred to you to expect anything to really happen right now, but through half-lidded eyes, there were flecks of melancholy along with another emotion you couldn't quite detect. It passed quickly as light amusement colored his voice. "Is self-deprecating humor common among your kind? It doesn't matter. You nonetheless contain an intellect that I can only describe as affable. Are all humans this way?"

"I don't know, I can't speak for my kind, but I can speak for myself. I think in my case," You considered with seriousness, trying to refrain from sharing too many details. "it's what happens when you live as I do; close to a mad genius who enjoys his work as much as his garden. No really," you paused, playing around with your cloth napkin. "it's nothing special. I wish I could give you a highly detailed explanation, but I don't consider myself much of an intellectual. I do learn something new everyday. I think that counts for something."

Nodding in agreement, he made an attempt to consume his meal of fried klema paste, but could only manage a small bite as he too gave up on trying to believe it was halfway edible. "If I would've been in my lab, I could've shown you a recipe for a formula that attracts insectoids large enough to feed a family for a month. Even the bitter, old, beetletoids would taste better than what we've been served tonight."

You had a feeling that the meals were chosen by a machine that couldn't determine what would be better; pleasing the taste buds or feeding the vitamin deficiencies; it seemed to be the latter.

"I'm sad to tell you that I don't eat insects or insectoids. Though," you smiled. "I appreciate the sentiment. Where I'm from, you either love them or despise them. There isn't much of an in-between. For my part, I admire them. Like, there's these cute little guy's called roly-polys. They kind of look like little pills and they hang out in dead leaves and stuff. Oh, and don't even get me started on iridescent insects. They're just so beautiful, like living jewels. Too bad I don't have an eloquent explanation to give you."

"Do you mean to say that insectoids or insects as you refer to them, are minuscule creatures where you're from? How fascinating. And stranger still," he gestured at your outfit. "I was just thinking that you appear somewhat iridescent yourself."

He must've been referring to the sequins on your dress which were mildly reflective and multichromatic. "That was the point," you joked readily. "to look as though I could fly away at any moment. At least that's the story I'm sticking with, but don't tell anyone I left my private jet at home."

"Well, it does suit you. Has anyone told you that?"

If he meant either your dress, attitude, or both, then Rick had but you weren't going to tell him that. "No, but thank you."

"Really," he insisted. "I mean it. I…..I can't help but feel as though I know you." Leaning slightly forward, though not so much that it would violate the law, and squinting, he wondered. "Are you sure we haven't met before?"

The multiverse thing was another classified subject on the infinite list of what you weren't allowed to talk about. For all you knew, he might've met another version of yourself or met you in passing in your travels with Rick. "No, we haven't. Maybe I remind you of someone."

Realization struck him, and he dug around in his pockets and pulled out a blank white card. Laying it out on the table, he pressed the corner of it, and it produced a hologram; it was a Salamandrian with vibrant coloring and stripes that made you wonder if they glowed in the dark. "That's why I've been perplexed. You remind me of her; an old colleague of mine."

"She's beautiful."

"Yes, I thought so too. We used to work in the same lab together and were close to a breakthrough which could've assisted with premature aging which my species are prone to, but it wasn't meant to be. We ran out of funding and while working on another project, she collapsed. Before I knew it, she succumbed to rapid aging. Cha'thxa was amiable like yourself and loved to joke around. I believe that's why we were good friends."

"It's always the good ones. I'm sorry."

Replacing the card back into his pocket, he sobered. "It's alright. That was half a lifetime ago, but it's odd how events can trigger these recollections. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For these interactions of ours. It made me feel youthful."

What? Now that couldn't be right. If it hadn't been such an odd thing for him to say, you wouldn't have given a second thought to how he had spoken and carried himself. Really, you thought he was younger than yourself. "How old are you exactly? You don't look mature."

Taking a long sip of his beverage, he admitted with amusement. "Let's just say that the equivalent in human years is roughly 64.322 years old."

"What? No way. I wouldn't have ever guessed, but it shows what I know."

Though you weren't an expert on reptiles either, so how could you have known?

"Would it have really mattered? The only difference it would have made was perhaps in the way you would've treated me. I don't enjoy being treated as though I'm feeble-minded and will collapse at any moment."

"I promise, I wouldn't have."

"If only it were that simple. I've done the same, except I did the opposite and discriminated against someone far younger than I was and believed them foolish, but now that I've seen more of the world, and have familiarized myself with the universe through my travels and mostly through my studies, I realize how wrong I was. These days, I intend to live out the rest of my life to the fullest and to not be ashamed of it. And keeping in mind with that," he paused, ruminating on what he was about to ask. He continued. "I hope this isn't presumptuous of me to ask, but I'd love to invite you to my home planet." And with that winning, sharp-toothed smile, he explained. "Warm bodies are now allowed to visit and I would love to show you my dwelling. I believe you'd enjoy the view of the river. You seem to be the type that would never tire of good company."

It was a shame that he was such a fascinating creature, for you two might've been able to be good friends in a different life. "I do enjoy good company and most likely I would love the river, but under my current circumstances, I'm sorry to say it probably wouldn't be a good idea."

Calmly, he wondered. "Is it because of that human we saw a few hours ago is your mate?"

"Yes," you answered without hesitation. "I would consider him so."

"Forgive me then, for I didn't know, but I should have come to that conclusion." he remarked sheepishly. "You reek of him and your hormones changed every time I asked you about him."

"Look," you sighed, feeling a little embarrassed at the series of events which led up to this. "it's alright. I think it's the guidelines of this event that prevent us from being in each other's presence, but even if it's a crime, I wish he was here. I'm sorry if I acted out of place otherwise."

Giving you a wink, V'gha rose and gently took your hand; not only was it against the law, but against his character. You were going to pull away, but he said in Rick's voice. "Terminate simulation."

______

You removed the headset you had forgotten you were wearing. "Oh no, did I mess up again? Would I have died of food poisoning? Dysentery? I swear this is harder than the Oregon Trail."

"N-no, you did alright." he said at first, thoughtfully tapping at charts across his multiple screens set up. "Every time you were presented with a-a challenge, you followed the protocols and procedures just as you were instructed, but it's when you depart the ship which has my calculations going all over th-the place. Gosh, I now realize that it - it doesn't matter which of the guests are assigned as your companion. There is a 33.682% chance that they'd take a romantic interest in you, while there's only a 7% chance of you taking interest in them."

"Ricky, what in the world are you talking about?" You were sure that all of it was simply meant to be a learning experience and that none of it was real. However, considering it was meant to be a realistic simulation, the possibility of romance was there, despite how minimal the chances were. "I thought the reason we were going through the simulation was so that I wouldn't jeopardize the mission. Am I to understand that you don't want me to go because you discovered there's a small chance that a guest or two might fall for me?"

He scratched the back of his neck, wary to meet your questioning gaze. "Gee, I wouldn't have phrased it th-that way. I just....I-I don't like it."

"Oh my goodness," you couldn't help but exclaim. "Rick, are you jealous?"

It was always surprising when he was for it happened so rarely, and when it did you were more flattered then concerned. You continued. "I thought these scenarios always end the same way. You know I only want to be with you, even at the risk of my life. Why these aliens would take an interest in me, I'll never know, but it's cool that the people I'm assigned to are fascinating characters. Doesn't it prove that I'm ready for this mission? I kept the sharing of valuable information to a minimum, and I got along with mostly everyone."

"Gee, I don't know. Y-you're almost ready. However," he pointed at his computer screen. "there are anomalies in some of the earlier models which are concerning. In scenario 3, 7, and 15, the chances of my extermination were 18.475% because I-I allowed myself to get distracted from the mission. In scenarios 17, 19, and 25, there's such a minuscule change that we can forget them altogether. Yet, in the last five scenarios, especially this last simulation, it jumped to 42% and I ended it before things w-would've gone sour. Golly, studying the patterns between them all taught me that you're attractive t-t-to multiple species."

"What can I say, must be my animal magnetism." you teased as you wiggled your eyes brows.

Thoroughly worried, he sighed. "It appears so."

"Come on Ricky," you softened. "I'm only kidding. Listen, why don't you disguise yourself as V'gha, while one of your robot clones handles the mission? Out of all of them, V'gha was one of the nicest. We can knock him out temporarily."

"That could work, but that's highly risky."

"How so?"

"Because staying alive means I-I can't do this."

Wrapping an arm about your waist, the beginnings of a smile were taking place. "For this, I'd get my arms chopped off. It's due t-to the fact that centuries ago a war broke out from a single incident that occurred b-between two rivals who fought for the love of a Milleannos grounds protector whose sole purpose was to guard and tend to the bud that would never bloom in their lifetime. So, this kind of behavior between us is a big no-no. At least as non-royals of Petram Viridios IV." And pressing a kiss to your temple, he chuckled. "I don't know what'd happen to me if I did that, but I-I wouldn't want to find out."

"Do the inhabitants of that planet learn their traditions through tall tales?"

"I-I don't know, but it doesn't seem that far-fetched. It's um - it's possible that over time, they've needed t-to learn sets of skills in order to survive in the once harsh terrain, but seeing how they were able to preserve their culture for hundreds of thousands of years, they must be doing something right. Still, knowing all this, I-I doubt I could keep my cool and stay away from you. Apparently, the simulations tell me the same thing."

"In that case," you softened. "I might have to remove myself from this mission. After all, I don't want you to think I'm trying to woo a few strangers."

"Boy, I-I didn't mean it t-t-to sound that way."

"Of course not, but you told me the truth. And you're entitled to it in some respects. Though, while you spoke of data and calculations, you didn't ask me how I felt. Why not dear? I'm not ashamed to tell you."

Yet, he seemed ashamed to ask. "Did - did you feel anything?"

Smoothing out the lines about his mouth and eyes with your fingers, you confessed. "I felt flattered by their attention, and their company wasn't that bad. I felt……well, like a person in society, who meets and meets dozens of people, and only really takes interest when the conversation is somewhat comfortable and familiar, but I wanted you there to enjoy it too. " Pointing towards the monitors, you continued." If you take a closer look at the data on my brain waves, changes of hormones, and heart rate, then you'll see where my mind and heart truly was. In nearly all of them, I saw parts of you. Not so much physically, but there were personality traits that were so much like your own, I almost didn't feel so lonely. Yet, I never stopped searching for you in them, and in the world around me, in silence, in smiles over knowings, and in reminiscences, hoping you would come and could be in my reach."

Resting his hand atop yours, he sighed. "Th-that explains a few things."

"Does it? I know you were watching as it played out. And don't think I didn't know what you did this time around. I know it was you on that stage, veiled, and far away. Was that also part of the simulation? It…it felt so real. Somehow our souls were closer then they'd ever been."

"I added the possibility of being asked t-to play the Tremen orb bush. When played, it does induce a trance-like state, but during that part of the simulation, I-I tried to keep you calm because y-you were in the beginning stages of a panic attack."

It must've been because of the claustrophobic feeling of being in a chamber. So you hadn't been alone. "Dear, did you hold me and keep me safe?"

"In a manner of speaking. Y-you weren't in any immediate danger, but I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable. So I - I moved my chair over, held your soft hands," he confessed shyly. "and talked to you for a little while. It must've helped for soon enough your vital signs were back to normal."

Yes, he was that sort of man; the kind who'd want to take care of you, and make sure you're alright; who'd give up a day in his garden to spend a dozen ensuring that within dreams you'd live to see another. What did you ever do to deserve him?

"I see. You know Rick, despite not bringing it up, I'm sorry that I had to pretend not to know you."

"That's okay."

He understood, way too easily did he understand. Digital planes with hundreds of foreign figures, blades of grass duplicated to fill in spaces, dreamland feelings which were wisps of real ones, he withstood them all. Slipping in and out of realities were preparations for the real tests which had and would continue to come your way. You admired his fortitude because till now he's dealt with the hardships incurred purposely and accidentally.

"Even if it was potentially part of the mission, and you knew I had to do it, it didn't feel good. How….how could I hide the fact that I have such a wonderful friend? You've been one of the dearest, closest friends that I've ever had."

Leaning down, he touched your forehead with his; releasing a breath you didn't know he had been holding. "El mayor - el mayor obstáculo para el amor es… es el temor s-secreto de no ser dignos de ser amados."

"But you are worthy." you reassured him.

"So I am." he accepted.

"Dear, in trying to protect what we have, lying was necessary. Yet, I don't want to pretend that we aren't anything. I love you too much to do that. I don't have any sign or mark of belonging to anyone, and that could've been one of the reasons there were misunderstandings. With V'gha and the others, I was only being friendly."

"I-I know."

"Even if you know, I'm still going to remind you." Resting a hand on his chest, his nervous heart seemed to dance. "Underneath my hand, lies the kind heart of an emotional, passionate genius, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world."

Holding you a fraction tighter, his breath ghosted your cheek. "Really?"

"Mhm."

"Can I-I tell you something?"

"Yeah?"

"Everyday with you is better than the last. If we lived on Venus," he chuckled. "our days would've been 5,832 hours long. That's th-the equivalent of 243 Earth days."

"That's a long time. Hmm," you sighed, relishing in the nearness of him; breathing in the scent which wafted off his sweater and labcoat. You thought to yourself, this is how it should always be. "I wish I could've been born sooner so you wouldn't have had to be lonely. If I could've done that much, I would've been able to repay you. Still, despite my disbelief about our relationship at times, it's one of the reasons I carry the necklace. You know, the one you had given me on that memorable day that you were…" you paused as you felt him sag into himself, pulling away from you slightly as though he were ashamed. You continued on. "on that day when those Guard Ricks came because you were needed on the citadel. I regret that I put you through so much stress that day, but I'm glad you don't resent me for it." Pulling out the necklace, you couldn't help but tear up a little. "I look at this beautiful gift every time I need to be reminded that you always believed in me, adored me, and was part of your world."

"Y-you're not part of it, you are my world."

"And you are mine. There's no way I'll ever forget you."

Though, there was a chance you could or that he could have your memories erased; there were things you weren't supposed to know, but did. There had been stranger cases before, and just in case, you had made copies of your memories. "Why, if you ever have to use that memory eraser thing on me or on yourself, I promise I'll remember for the both of us. So please," you urged, giving him a half-impatient, half-loving shake. "don't think that what we have is so easily broken, because I love you and believe in what we are together."

Neither of you spoke for a while after that, but he gave your hands a good squeeze when he came to a resolution. "What if….what if I gave you a sign?"

"I'd think of an Ace Of Base song," you lightly teased. "and then I'd wonder what you could mean."

Rubbing your back, he said above a whisper. "I mean t-t-t-to say, do you…..¿Quieres casarte?"

"What? Did you just…can you repeat that?"

"D-do you want to get married?"

Pulling away from him, you wondered. "Wait, is this real?"

He nodded. "Y-yes."

"And I'm not in a lotus-eater machine right?"

Smoothing out your hair, he confessed. "N-no, I hope not."

After spending days going through multiple simulations, it was easy to assume that everything wasn't real, and was still part of another simulation within a simulation. You pinched yourself and saw that everything was in place. It's not that you weren't happy, it was just that this was a surprise you hadn't been expecting. For his part, he studied you and found that he liked what he saw and pulled out a little box. "I had wanted the moment t-to be perfect, but I don't think that's possible. I can't…..I don't want to be without you anymore."

"I think I need to sit down for this."

Leading you over to the computer chair, you took a seat while he stood before you; antsy and ready to confess. "Mi corazón, I have wanted to do this for so long, but I - I was too afraid t-t-to ask. I think now, I finally can."

Removing his labcoat, and setting it down, he pushed up the sleeve of his sweater; displaying the tattoo he had gotten a few years ago; a single sunflower with such detail it almost looks three dimensional. If it weren’t for the curve of his arm, it would appear that he took the bloom, shrunk it down, and simply laid it on his inner forearm. "When I got this, I wanted something as beautiful as you with me, always, and - and sunflowers are your favorite. You told me they were the epitome of happiness."

You nodded. "My best memories are associated with them."

"I suppose that still holds true, so I'm going to put my faith in that. To explain, I would like to tell you a few things concerning happiness. Everyday I-I go to work, I look forward to the moment I get to see you when I return. Though, when I come home, and the house is quiet, it's easy to remember that I live alone. However, when I see that the pillows have been rearranged in a way I um - in a way I hadn't left them, or find a mug in the sink, or piles of books that hadn't been read yet, I know I'm not alone; that y-you've been here. Gosh," he sniffled, doing his best not to cry. "when I see your sleeping figure on the couch or in the hammock outside, I think to myself that I want this t-t-to be my life. T-to be our life. You're what's missing in th-the equation to my happiness. When I met you, it's like the sun finally came out and I could finally bloom. We might carry bits of - of happiness, but I-I feel incomplete without you by my side. And I think y-you feel the same."

Taking hold of your left hand, he kissed it and his voice was colored with happiness again. In earnest, he wondered. "So, my beautiful little sunflower, as far as getting married is concerned, do you - do you want to?"

Tbc

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mantra4ia · 3 years

Text

The names of the Fourteen

Geralt read them slowly from the top. And before him appeared the faces of those he had known. The chestnut haired Triss Merrigold... He had liked her, and she had liked him...Lytta Neyd known as Coral, a nickname derived from the color of lipstick she used. Lytta had once dennounced him so he went to the dungeon for a week. After being released he went to ask her why, when — still without knowing the reason— he ended up in her bed. He spent another week there...three names remained. He heard a faint rustling behind him and turned around. She was barefoot in a simple linen dress, she was wearing a garland woven from daisies around long, fair hair...

Geralt: Greetings. [She did not answer] Did you bring flowers? [She smiled. He felt a chill.]

Death: I do not bring flowers. But the ones lying here are for me.

Geralt: Who are you?

Death: Don't you know?

Geralt: Yes, I think I do. I always wondered what you look like, my lady.

Death: You don't have to address me like that. We've known each other for years after all.

Geralt: We have. They say you dog my footsteps.

Death: I do, but you have never looked behind you until today. Today, you looked back for the first time.

Geralt: How will it happen?

Death: I'll take you by the hand. I'll take you by the hand and lead you through the meadow into the cold, wet fog.

Geralt: And then? What is there beyond the fog?

Death: Nothing [she smiled]. There is *nothing more*.

Geralt: You dogged my every footstep, but struck down others, those that I passed on my way. Why? I was meant to end up alone, wasn't I? So that I would finally begin to be afraid. I'll tell you the truth, I was always afraid of you. Always. I never looked behind me out of fear, out of terror that I would see you following me. I was always afraid, my life has passed in fear. I was always afraid until today.

Death: Until today?

Geralt: Yes. Until today. We're standing here face to face but I don't feel any fear. You've taken everything from me...

Death: Then why are your eyes full of fear, Geralt of Rivia? Your hands are trembling, you are pale, why? Do you fear the last fourteenth name engraved on the obelisk so much? If you wish, I shall speak that name—

Geralt: You don't have to! I know what it is. The circle is closing, the snake is sinking its teeth into its own tail. That is how it must be. You and that name, and the flowers, for her and for me. The fourteenth name engraved in the stone — a name that I've spoken in the middle of the night and in the sunlight, during frosts and heat waves and rain— no, I'm not afraid to speak it now.

Death: Then speak it.

Geralt: Yennefer. Yennefer of Vengerberg.

Death: And the flowers are mine.

Geralt: Let us be done with this. Take...take me by the hand.

Death: Not today. One day, yes. But not today.

Geralt: You have taken everything from me—

Death: No. I do not take anything. I just take people by the hand so that no one will be alone at that moment, alone in the fog...

Yurga: Geralt, sir, what's the matter? Did you fall asleep? I told you, you're weak. Why did you climb up to the top?

Geralt: I fell asleep.

Yurga: Aye, it's devilish hot...We ought to be going sir...Why the hell did you go up the hill in such a heat? Wanted to read their names? I could've told you them all.

Geralt: Do you really remember all the names?

Yurga: Certainly.

Geralt: The last one, the fourteenth. What name is it?

Yurga: What a doubter you are! You don't believe in anything... The last one you say? Well the last one is Yoël Grethen of Carreras.

In the translation of SoD that I read (keeping in mind that I haven't ever played The Witcher games) Yoël Grethen is described as a man, "perhaps you knew him?" But I have seen other people translate "she/her." And in The Blood of Elves when Triss recalls the war, she calls Yöel her, "that thing next to her [body]". I find that more poetically fitting, to think that death with blue eyes took the form of Yoël Grethen in Geralt's vision/dream, which would make sense since she's described as very pale — odd for that season — and she says "but the ones lying here are for me/the flowers are mine." Whimsical thinking, perhaps.

"The sword of destiny has two edges. You are one of them" and the other is...

#witcher books #book quotes #geralt of rivia #the battle of sodden #the hill of the Fourteen #fear and destiny #destiny and uncertainty #destiny and something more #sword of destiny #yoel grethen #death #yennefer of Vengerberg #geralt x yennefer #Yennefer is Geralt's everything #you have taken everything from me #not today #the sword of destiny has two edges #the call of the white wolf will always sing alone

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everythingandeveryplace · 5 years

Text

Finding Family

"Family is not an important thing.

It's everything."

"I've never seen anything like it before in my life. They have this wall and it's all concrete, and then the crops and live stock! everything is so meticulously organized, their armory is stocked in ways you couldn't even imagine." Rick rambled, ducking beneath a low hanging branch as the rest of the group followed behind. They'd been on the road for over 11 hours when Rick had finally instructed them all to pull over through the walkie.

It was nearing close to another hour since they had all started walking through the poorly shaded woods, the Atlanta sun burning their skin and stray walkers hiding in the brush. Daryl had never seen this part of Atlanta before and he couldn't help but be impressed with how well this supposed "miracle community" was hidden.

"If I hear bout' this damn Georgetown one more time, I'm throwin' him all the way there." Merle grumbled from beside him, cutting down the far too tall grass with the chiseled saw he called a hand.

"Just keep ya mouth shut and keep ya eyes on the path." Daryl hissed at his brother, moving to walk a few feet ahead. Their relationship was beyond strained and some days it was worse than others, there was a deep seeded resentment amongst the two brothers, most days Daryl couldn't even look Merle in the eyes.

Everyone knew the reason why.

"Are we almost there?" Glenn panted, leaning into the hand Maggie was massaging his achey neck with.

"Almost." Rick promised.

"They gonna see us comin'? Ain't gonna attack or nothin'?" Daryl fell into step with Rick.

"No. They seem to be good people, they know I'm bringing my people to talk. I've only spoken to their leader Charlie and a few of the residents, it was Charlie's idea to bring you all for a visit. He wants to see the type of People Alexandria produces." Rick explained.

"So best behavior folks!" Abraham chuckled and slapped Eugene on the shoulder sending the mulleted man stumbling into Carol and Michonnes backs.

Carol whipped around and raised a brow at Eugene, Michonne laughed as the socially awkward man scrambled back to Abraham's side with wide, frightened eyes.

Almost half an hour later the sounds of muffled voices broke through the silence of the woods, Rick hadn't been lying , the concrete wall that blocked the community from the outside wall was incredible and large and so tall there it seemed to tower over even the tallest oak tree lining the woods.

"Holy shit." Jesus stopped abruptly, his jaw practically on the floor as he stared up at the dark grey, smooth concrete slab.

"That's unbelievable." Carol whispered

"Carl's going to be so mad he missed this." Michonne added

"Rosita too." Sasha stepped forward and pressed her hand against the wall tugging Tyreese alongside it.

Merle elbowed Daryl in the ribs and grinned

"Looks like that old burned down factory we used to store our huntin stuff in' with the cracked concrete and tall ass walls."

"Yeah. S'also where you started sellin' the meth and damn near got me killed by a tweaker." Daryl mumbled, dodging another elbow from Merle.

Wasn't that always how it was? Every good thing daryl had ever had was tainted by Merle's reckless and stupid behavior. It was that way then and it hadn't changed, it never would.

The heavy welded doors opened slowly in front of all of them and out stepped an older man who was so tall even Tyreese had to look up to catch his eyes.

"Hello Alexandria, I'm so happy you all could make it. The ride here was smooth I assume? No trouble?"

Rick stepped forward, extending his hand to the stranger and grinning.

"No trouble at all. Thank you again for giving us the opportunity to say our piece, and Thank-you for giving my people a chance. I know how difficult it is to trust someone you hardly know, especially in this world."

Rick would have been one hell of a politician if the world hadn't gone to shit, it was amazing to see the easy way he talked to anyone and everyone never giving away even a piece of himself.

"Well of course, of course. Come on in then, you never know what's lurking in these woods." The man Daryl assumed was Charlie ushered them all inside the walls of the community, signaling to a group of men on top of the walls to close the doors.

It wasn't real.

There was absolutely no way something as prospering and lively and god damn beautiful could exist in the world they lived in now. Behind the walls of Georgetown was row after row of blooming and blossoming crops, farm animals grazed behind fenced fields, families tended to the fields and satellite panels stood tall on poles surrounding the beautifully kept homes. There were children playing and mothers knitting on porches, men were lugging lumber though the sidewalks and someone to Daryl's left was patching up the roof of a tiny yellow cottage.

"I told you." Rick whispered in his ear "I've never seen anything like it."

Neither had Daryl, not in this life or his last.

It felt welcoming and clean and homey..

It felt safe.

Maggie was the first to speak

"This place is beautiful, it's like a different world. I can't believe how much food y'all have! And the protection from the barriers and fences.. it's truly amazing."

Charlie smiled proudly

"Yes, we've worked very hard to achieve all that we have. But Rick tells me you've all worked hard as well. I'd heard of the saviors from passing travelers, fortunately we never encountered any at Georgetown. We're far too hidden to be found, of course we do have a plan of action in place should the time come we're threatened." His tone held a hint of a warning and Daryl felt Merle shift uncomfortably beside him, he got all fidgety when the saviors were mentioned. Daryl just got nauseous.

"You said we'd be able to meet more of your people? Not that I'm in any place to rush you but clearly we can see how well this place is run and I think we're all curious as to who's behind it." Rick smiled brightly and nudged Michonne until she was smiling just as wide.. albeit a bit more awkwardly.

"Well to be fair every single person who lives within the walls of our community is responsible for the progress and safety of our home. But if you mean my counsel, let me introduce you." The taller man pulled a walkie from his utility belt

"Hey team, meet in the corridor. Emergency meeting."

A chorus of jumbled

"Okay... got it.. be there in a sec."

sounded through the device.

"I haven't told them I was bringing you in, they would all be too anxious. They're going to be the deciding factors on whether I agree to the trade so I feel it's important they look at this with fresh eyes. It's better they don't have time to think on it." Charlie winked.

"I was in the shower. Someone better be dead."

A petite woman with short hair and tattooed arms came sprinting down the steps of the large white building that Daryl and his group were standing in front of. She was beautiful but the way her eyes landed on Michonne and lingered for just a moment too long made it fairly obvious she would not be interested in Rick, Daryl, Merle or anyone of that particular gender.

"You were in the shower? I was in dreamland. I was out all night scoping for walkers, you said I could sleep in." A mammoth sized man with a scarred face and dark blue eyes followed the smaller woman, trailing after her and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

Charlie chuckled and shook his head

"These are a few of the people I wanted you to meet. They've come looking to trade with us, I wanted them to come by and meet you before we get into any details." He explained.

The tattooed woman reached a hand out to Michonne and the huge blue eyed man instantly reached for a high five from Rick

"I'm Tucker and that's Ruby. I run construction and head most of the supply runs, Ruby runs the armory she knows everything there is to know about guns so if you guys think you can ever get one over on her you're sorely mistaken." Tucker's laugh filled the air before he clapped a hand onto Glenn's shoulder nearly drilling him to the ground with the force of his grip. Merle snorted and Daryl had to fight to keep the smile off of his face.

"Aidan is tied up in the kitchen right now, he's got to get lunch out before we hit the road for our next run. He said he'd come by after."

Charlie nodded in understanding before turning towards The front doors of the white building again

"Where's Lil, I thought I heard her say..."

"I'm here! Sorry I got stuck with stitches on an eight year old not fun at a.."

Daryl's head snapped forward at that voice, he knew that voice, could pick it out of a million people. He never thought he would hear it again.. he never thought....

"LiliAnna?!?" Maggie practically squealed, dropping her weapons and running towards the blonde currently staring slack jawed at the group standing in front of her.

"Maggie?" She choked, falling back onto the steps of the stairs as the short haired brunette tackled her to the ground, squeezing her tight and rambling in her ear.

"I can't believe it's you! It's been almost two years! Look at you! You look amazing! I've missed you so much!" She babbled, tears leaking from her eyes as she held tight to her former best friend.

"I've missed you too." LiliAnna whispered, cupping Maggie's face and dropping her forehead to hers. When Maggie finally stepped away Rick was there to take her place, wrapping his arms around LiliAnna and smiling

"I had no idea you lived here? I've been back and forth for the past few weeks and I haven't seen you once." He pulled away and gave her a once over for injuries, Daryl had seen him do it countless times and it made his heart ache to see the familiarity playing out right before his eyes.

"I run Medical here, I'm The head nurse and we had a bit of an accident on our last run. I've been tending to the injured all month trying to get them back on their feet.. not to mention how busy I am typically." LiliAnna smiled softly before squeezing ricks hand and turning to greet the rest of the group, lingering a little longer on carol and wiping the older woman's tears with the sleeve of her jacket, they had always had a special bond.

"I feel like I'm missing something here." Ruby scratched her head.

"Ditto." Tucker shrugged, smiling at all of the happy faces "doesn't matter much though, look how happy they are. Can't bottle that up."

LiliAnna hugged Abraham one last time before finally turning towards Daryl.

"Daryl Dixon." She smiled softly, her eyes slightly misty with tears.

"Lili." He breathed, the name coming out no louder than a whisper. She looked beautiful, if possible even more so than he had ever seen her. Her long blonde hair was left loose at her shoulders, sky blue eyes big and bright on her sun kissed face. She was still too skinny, she always forgot to eat and it drove Daryl crazy, she was always too busy looking out for everyone else she often forgot about herself. But still she was beautiful, perfect. Except for..

There was a jagged light pink scar that stretched from the temple of her right eye all the way down to the corner of her top lip and when she walked towards him she walked with a limp, it wasn't all that noticeable but Daryl could see it, he'd memorized it as she walked away two years ago.

"Didn't think I'd ever see ya face again." He swallowed.

"Didn't think you would either." She answered honestly, her eyes were just as warm and beautiful as he remembered and her skin looked just as soft, he reached a hand out to touch her cheek when suddenly the shadow of a figure covered his back.

Almost as if she had been burned Lili flinched away, eyes casting over Daryl's shoulder and narrowing dangerously before she stumbled backwards and away from him. Daryl whipped around to see Merle standing directly behind him, eyes wide and apologetic when He noticed Daryl's hand still raised.

"Sorry little brother.. I didn't think."

"Ya never think." Daryl growled, harshly turning away from the man who had single handedly destroyed his happiness more times than he could count.

"LiliAnna! We gotta show you something."

Someone was coming towards them from a few feet away. Daryl couldn't make out the face yet but the voice sounded strangely familiar.

"That's D." Charlie explained "he's part of our combat group.. teaches our residents how to defend themselves."

D...

Dwight.

Sure enough the mangled man came rushing forward, a child in his arms with wild blonde curls and bright blue eyes, a huge smile on the child's face.. the kid couldn't be older than a year and he looked nothing like Dwight.. actually he looked more like..

"Mama!"

Mama? Did that mean..

"Hi sweet boy! How was your nap? Did Uncle D keep you up again?" LiliAnna reached for the baby in Dwight's arms and cradled him to her chest pressing sloppy kisses all over his cheek while he giggled and squirmed.

"You have a baby?" Michonne let the severe sharpness of her features lessen for just a moment as she stared at the mother and her child.

"I do. His names Greyson and he just tuned one." She smiled proudly.

"Oh my god Hershel Jr. just found himself a new best friend." Maggie tugged in Glenn's sleeve in excitement and even the lanky Korean couldn't keep the smile off of his face. LiliAnnas eyes softened immediately and she grinned

"It was a boy?" She asked Maggie.

"It sure was.. just like your little angel." Maggie moved forward to squeeze the chubby little ones cheeks. Rick was talking to Charlie and the rest of the group was either admiring Greyson or asking Ruby and Tucker questions.

"You see it don't you?" Merle asked from his space beside Daryl.

"See what?" Daryl refused to take his eyes off of the baby in LiliAnnas arms.

"Those are mamas eyes." Merle chuckled making Daryl snap his head towards his older brother.

"What?"

Merle shook his head at his brothers obliviousness

"That boys a Dixon through and through."

Dwight's body stiffened at the sound of Merle's voice, he whipped around and drew his gun the instant his eyes caught sight of Merle.

"Woah!" Ruby shouted

Everyone turned towards the commotion and Charlie rushed towards Dwight

"D, what are you doing.. these people are our guests.. you can't just pull your.."

"Guests?!" Dwight scoffed "why the hell is he in our camp?! Why would you let him in here!"

LiliAnna handed Greyson off to Maggie and moved to stand beside Dwight, placing her hand in his arm she spoke quickly

"It's okay.. I'm okay. It's fine Dwight, put the gun down"

"Are they here to do business? They want to trade? Fat chance!" Dwight kept his gun trained on Merle but spoke directly to Charlie "you cannot let these people in here, you cannot do business with them. They took in that.. that monster." His hands were shaking around the trigger of his rifle and Daryl couldn't move, his feet frozen to the spot. Merle seemed to be in the same position because he hadn't even drawn his gun yet.

"What did he do? What's going on LiliAnna?" Tucker came to stand behind Dwight as back up and Ruby soon followed, her hands tight on her pistol.

"He.. it was the past.." She whispered, her eyes darting to her son behind her.

Suddenly images flooded Daryl's brain.

Dwight carrying a nearly lifeless Lili through the smoke and ash, her face so bruised and bloody it was almost unrecognizable.

The screaming. Her cries of pain and desperation as Hershel attempted to stitch her up and set her bones.

Her wide, terrified eyes when she looked up at him from the cot as Hershel relocated her shoulder

"Merle." She had croaked "it was Merle."

"I'll tell you what happened." Dwight growled, the click of his trigger sounding through the almost silent air "that bastard beat Lil to death and made me watch. She survived because she's stronger than all of us but he was trying to kill her... slowly.. he wanted her to feel it."

Daryls eyes met Lilis from across the field.

She looked him dead in the eye for just a moment before she raced over to Maggie, scooped up Greyson and rushed back up the stairs to the big building.

Charlie cleared his throat and placed a hand on Dwight's raised Gun.

"It looks like we may have more to discuss."

#daryl dixon #daryl dixon imagine #twd #the walking dead #the walking dead fanfiction #the walking dead edit #daryl dixon x oc #daryl dixon edit #daryl dixon fanfiction #daryl x oc #daryl dixon x ofc #norman reedus #teresa palmer #daryl dixon one shot #twd fanfiction #twd imagines

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badboyburger · 2 years

Text

VENT TIME!

Skip this if you dont want to be exposed to mentally ill thoughts. I'm approaching the end of my rope.

Is anyone reading this? Am I alone? I want to be alone and at the same time I dont. I wouldnt be posting this if I didnt want people to read it. Lets start at the top.

My self worth is nonexistent, which is the root for most of my other problems. I dont know when this happened. Maybe its always been this way, from the first time I was bullied back in elementary school, to Luca leaving me behind. I havent had a friend like her ever since she turned her back on me. Hold on, I need a drink for this.

My love for her was purely platonic, and still, sometimes I think it was the most amount of love I ever felt for someone. I feel horrible about it. I have a boyfriend, you know. We've been together for over two years, and I love him so so much. But still. Theres a void in me that his presence cant fill. Maybe I need closure, or maybe I just need my best friend back. I dont know how I'll ever get over it. Its been three years already. It cant be like this forever.

Maybe that also ties back to my selfworth. I always try to please everyone. I fight toxicity with kindness, or at least I try to. I try to befriend everyone I meet. Everyone has to love me. Love me. Aishite. I am so eager to please. I beg of you: do not do anything for me, I do not deserve it. I am here to serve, I exist merely as a side character, tell me what you need and I will provide. This is not a kink, its what my brain tells me I need to do in order for people to like me. I will make you breakfast, and I will help you get into bed when youre too drunk to even talk. I will cuddle you through your nightmares and bring you aspirin on the next day. Do not ever do anything for me, I beg you, because the guilt will consume and devour me whole. I will only speak when spoken to. I am in a discord call witt my friends, and I only open my mouth for banter and jokes, or to respond to a question. Dont start talking. You know you are annoying. Its what youve been told all your life. Its not fucking fair. Its not my fault! It was never my fault! I just wanted to be liked, just wanted to fit in. I never asked for this! I never asked to be weird and annoying! It is my nature and I cant help it. I cant. Is it an illness? Or is it simply me?

I play medic for hours. I want to play different classes too, but they need me. Its the one thing Im good at. One of the best, even. Im top of the leaderboard almost every session. "Good job Gewitter." "We need revives!" "Medics, res nades at 20 seconds!" Im a good soldier. I do what I must, and I do it well. Im terrified that I'll stop being useful one day. Every session that I'm not on top of my game makes me sink deeper into my hellscape of a brain. I belittle myself, I hurt myself, I break down and get drunk and almost pass out on top of my keyboard during debriefs. I feel so hopeless. I'll never achieve more than this, and so I keep going.

I'm so anxious about people liking me. They need to like me. Its hard to talk. My voice is my achilles heel. I talk, and people call me "she", and a part of me dies. Why did I get born like this. Why me? Not just my voice is wrong, but my words too. Everything that leaves my mouth needs to be perfect. If its not well received then I think about it for months or years. It keeps me up at night. Love me. Please love me. Arent I doing well? Arent I saying what Im supposed to? Some people laughed at my joke. I gain sympathy. Let me explain how my brain works:

When I meet new people, I assume that they hate me. Every. single. one. I need to prove my worth. If I say something good, something that gains laughs or furthers a conversation, then their opinion of me rises. But it doesnt stay that way, it degrades over time, so I have to keep being funny and witty and oh god please tell me Im saying the correct things to you. If I say something bad? something cringy or boring or even neutral? Im done for. It will not leave my mind for weeks, and after that, it will circle in my memory until the end of time. Thats just my life. I remember so many things that I just want to purge from my brain forever. Others perception of me is back to zero, or maybe lower. Who knows. But I'll probably get drunk or high to escape at least temporarily. God those thoughts. They never leave.

My go-to drug is Speed. Its amazing, nothing in this world makes me feel so good. Im always low energy, perpetually tired, doing my best to stay motivated and focused. It almost never works. Speed makes me feel alive! Like I can achieve anything! Suddenly Im awake, I can think, I can do chores and complete tasks and take walks and make art! Speed makes me feel like a human being. Without it, Im just a zombie. And no, its not the absence of the drug that causes it. Ive felt this way a looong time ago already, before ever touching any kind of drug. The only downside is that I cant control what Im doing. I have the energy and motivation, but it just goes where it wants to. Im fine with that though. A few months ago I took some and spent 5 hours drawing without moving an inch, it was ecstatic. I had a long break from speed after that because I ran out, but we ordered more, and I took some today. I took a nice, long walk around the neighbourhood in the dark. I've never felt so invincible. It was incredible.

I can feel my brain shutting down right now. The dose was high, and my body is slowly coming down (~7 hours after taking it). Im also finishing up a bottle of Salitos because I couldnt handle writing about Luca while sober. But I digress.

Ive talked about my shitty self worth. About my anxiety. About my drug problem. So lets move on to the topic its all connected to: depression.

Let me be clear here: In all my years of feeling like a worthless piece of shit, self harming and drinking the pain away, fantisizing about killing myself and almost doing it a couple of times, I never got diagnosed. But you really dont need to be a genius to figure it out. I used to feel bad about self diagnosing, but at this point I just couldnt give less of a shit. Im depressed, I need help, and Im not getting any because Im too scared to speak out. Do you know that I thought about sending this post to my online friends? They dont know about any of this. Elec knows a fraction because I got drunk and told him a little about it, but the rest are clueless. Should I shatter their perception of me forever? Let them read about my deepest insecurities, make them feel my self-hate and fear? It wouldnt be fair. No one should have to bear this knowledge. You dont want to hear that your friend is thinking about ending it all in a goddamn tumblr post.

But I want to cry for help in some way. I need help, and I need it fast. I cant do this on my own. Its only been getting worse, and this has been going on for months. Im alienating myself from friends and family, Im even pushing away my boyfriend. Im tired all the time. I dont want to do anything at all. Do you know how scary this is? Laying in bed all day, not doing anything, and not feeling bad about it? Or rather being completely numb. I havent felt things in so long. I just want to feel again. This is another reason I love speed. It makes me feel things. Nothing else does that.

Was wär ich ohne drugs, was wär ich ohne drogen, wär ich endlich stark, oder wär ich tot? Ive been listening to a lot of Tj_babybrain. It speaks to me. I hear the music and scream the lyrics out into my empty apartment.

I started self harming when I was 13. It was a way to punish myself for being me. I got clean. One year ago, I started again, for the exact same reason. The last time I did it was december. I love the view of blood flowing from my body. It makes me feel like Ive finally done something right. If I punish myself, then I will be forgiven. Im sorry for saying that cringy thing. Im sorry for being weird. Im sorry for not attending the meeting when I promised I would. But dont worry, Im going to take care of it. You dont need to be mad at me, Im already mad at myself. Look, can you see? Im bleeding for you. Its a gift. Please, dont be mad at me. Please love me.

Im very tired. The alcohol is taking effect. Im a lightweight, literally and figuratively. I also dont eat a lot.

Oh yeah, thats another thing I do. Food is not a basic need. Dont get me wrong, everyone else deserves to eat no matter what, its just me who doesnt. I need to earn my food. Sometimes I wont eat properly for days to punish myself for not being productive. I once ate nothing at all for over 24 hours, then drank alcohol and almost blacked out while on call with my friends. I just hung up and went to bed.

I just shivered violently. Theres still a chill running up and down my body. Is it the speed? The alcohol? The lack of food? Who knows. The only thing I know is that I want to go to bed. Maybe Ill feel better tomorrow. Thats a joke, I wont. Theres less than a week between me and my first exam. Will I fail? Will I succeed? Theres still so much to do. I didnt do anything today. Nothing at all.

Im going to finish my drink, and then I'll head to bed. I'm so tired. I just want this to be over. I dont want to die, I just want to lay in my bed until the end of time. Is that too much to ask?

#mental illness #depression #depression tw #drug abuse tw #snorting tw #alcohol tw #long post

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sammyjadedavis · 3 years

Text

Marrying Into The Lothbrok’s

Chapter one,

Daughter Of Harald Fine Hair

Ragnar's Point Of View

In my life I've seen many things death and life, felt pain and love and I've been given sons just like the Gods promised but I also have one daughter. All of my sons are in relationships but one, Bjorn. Ubbe has Margrethe and they've been married for about three years now, Hvitserk and Thora who have been married for two years, Sigurd who has been dating Thryi for about six or seven months now and my youngest son Ivar is dating Freydis and has been for almost four months but my eldest son has not been in a relationship since he was in high school and even then it was only for a few months. My daughter is engaged which scares me more then any of my sons marrying because Gyad is my only daughter, she's getting married to Toke. Toke is the one who is in a different gang to my family but his in the Danes gang instead of the Vikings.

For years we've been allies with the Danes but Harald has always kept his daughter out of the business till the start of this year, she's been coming to more and more of the events, since my son needs a wife I'm going to make it her. Torvi has been coming to the business meetings to, when her father is away it's not her brother who speaks for their father in his absence but her. She's got her own businesses and helps run all of her father's business even the gang related ones. She makes her own furniture, she owns a chain of restaurants, a chain of clothing shops, a chain of design stores, a few hotels, some resorts, three wineries and even a few wedding and party planning business, yet she's never been married or in a relationship that the press have followed.

"Mr Lothbrok, Mr Fine is here for you, do you want me to send him in?" My assistant asked me all I did was nod and she sent him in.

"Why am I here Ragnar?" Harald asked while walking around looking at all the books on my selves.

"As you know my son is yet to marry, and I know that your daughter is not married nor spoken for, so I wish to make a deal with you. I want our children to marry. My son Bjorn and your daughter Torvi." I said while looking at the picture that is always on my desk, one is my family with Lagertha the other my family with Aslaug, hopefully one day there will be a photo on this desk of my Grandchildren, if I am to have any.

"You want your son to marry my daughter. Why? Because you are Ragnar Lothbrok and there is always a reason behind everything you do." Harald was a smart man but I was smarter and I've had more experience in life then he has.

"I want grandchildren from all of my children not just a few, I've seen Bjorn watching Torvi at the last few events but it is not that which has court my attention with your daughter it is the fact that she's only twenty four and owns many businesses many which I do business with such as her wineries that I use as suppliers for my bars, night clubs, pubs, restaurants, resorts and even some of my hotels, she's only owned them businesses for a few months now and she's got more of a profit then even I did when I started in the world and she owns more then just a few wineries, I think that she will be good for my son and good for my other sons wives who are still not used to this world but she's basically a Princess of this world just like my own daughter is. It is not like she will be alone because Toke is also marrying into this family." I told Harald who was now seated in the chair across from me.

"We have a deal but my daughter is still going to be working but if your son stops her from doing so I will let her leave him as will you, if your okay with that then we have a deal." Harald told me while looking down at the photos on my desk some of my children and my wives other of my friends and the last is a picture of my whole family when I was a child.

"I can not say that I will let her run her business if she is ever pregnant but she will be able to run her companies and do what she pleases to unless it is being unfaithful to my son. I just we have a deal now and I guess we are now going to be family." I told Harald before shaking his outstretched hand and that was the start of the deal that would make my son have a wife, hopefully give me grandchildren and make my family have even more full. I know Lagertha may yell at me a bit from this deal but once she sees that it's Torvi she will not care, hopefully.

"Goodbye Ragnar I'll see you at the event tomorrow where my daughter will be sending the whole night with your son, then the next event or outing she will be wearing a ring."

"That she will, I'll see you tomorrow night Harald." I told Harald who then left not looking back.

"Ulf call my son, tell him I need to speak with him." Ulf nodded before calling my son, who soon came into my office taking the chair across from me that Harald had only left a few minutes before hand.

"Why am I here father?" Bjorn asked me knowing that that I would not ask him here without it being important because he was in the middle of a meeting.

"Your getting married." I saw Bjorn look a me with a face of pure shock.

"What do you mean I'm getting married?" He just looked up at me in the eyes as every word left his mouth.

"You will marry the daughter of Harald Fine Hair and you will be faithful to her, tomorrow night at the event you will be with her the whole night, you will leave with her. Make everyone believe that the two of you have been together for the passed two years but you've kept it private then you will start spending more time with her post photos if you have to, she is going to be apart of our family and you will make her feel welcome, she owns her own businesses and she will keep working when you two are married." I told my eldest son who just sat there looking at me with his mouth hanging open.

"I do not want to marry her." He told me only for me to shake my head no,

"You will marry her because it is what I wish for you to do, you are the only child of mine who is not in a relationship or married. Do not fight me on this Bjorn, you will not win, my son." Bjorn just nodded before leaving stopping at the door to look at me and I told him something that I've been feeling since Lagertha and mine's marriage ended.

"Happy isn't every, you are more common to be unhappiness then happiness so just live your life with Torvi." I told him then he left probably to go and try finish his work for the day then he'll probably go out with his brothers for the night, maybe Halfdan and Erik too.

Harald's Point Of View

"Torvi, you are getting married soon." I told her as I walked into her office at one of her wineries.

"Since when was I getting married?" My daughter asked while looking up from her paper work of some sorts, looking down at her lap top I saw Ragnar Lothbrok's name in her inboxes.

"Since I made a deal with Ragnar Lothbrok, you will marry his eldest son Bjorn Lothbrok. You can still own all your businesses and run them but you must marry him." My daughter just kept on working then she looked up at me and asked.

"Is there any way for me to get out of this or have you signed away my future."

"You are marrying Bjorn and there is no way out of it." She looked up at me and said,

"Then you are now only my father in blood and name nothing else and you will not give me away Halfdan will, hell I'd even let Ragnar Lothbrok give me away because at least he was not willing to sell me in away. So after today I'm only your daughter in name and because we share the same blood." She told me and I never thought such a thing would come out of her mouth but I guess I was wrong.

"You've been dating for the passed two years and tomorrow at the event you will be at his side all night you will arrive with him and leave with him. Goodbye my daughter I will see you tomorrow night." I told her before leaving her to finish her day of work and hoping that she will let me back into her life one day.

Originally posted on Wattpad @sam5943

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