#but that's kinda hard when everytime I look at myself I feel like a failure

[kys-kar]

.

#negative #personal #Ok but like I just wanna not do these next two weeks #Like everything just sucks rn #I feel awful #and like there's nothing I can do about it #I postpone everything and what is my life just going to be like this forever #Idk #I want to be happy #but that's kinda hard when everytime I look at myself I feel like a failure #I'm digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole and no one can help me

[l4verq]

crossed out | b.b

bucky barnes x reader

in which you’re one of the names on bucky’s list

warnings : angst, fluff?, mentions of choking

fic : one shot

a/n : u know i’m a sucker for therapy bucky lol

He should have skipped today’s session.

Cause he’s starting to regret coming when she brings it up.

“You gonna tell me about her?” Cecelia questions, casually flicking through a thick folder labelled James B.B.

But it was never casual.

Bucky knew she was observing his every move, his every tick. And he’d been pretty good at faking through every session until now.

“I thought you were helping me make amends.” He forges an unamused smile, which was second nature now.

“Yes and that’s why I asked you about her.” She looks up from the folder, the smallest smile tugging at her lips.

“It says here that you guys were complicated.” She continues, eyes skimming over a particular page.

Complicated was the last thing he’d use to describe it.

Cause it was the one thing that gave him some clarity, hope that he could be deserving of love again someday.

“We used to date. We broke up.” He gruffs, crossing his arms.

Maybe he should fake a mechanical failure in his arm, reschedule for another time.

“Do you still love her?”

He doesn’t answer but it’s written all over his face and Cecelia can read him like a book.

She turns over his list that she’d assigned him to make, eyes trailing down names until it reaches a hastily crossed out name at the end.

“Why don’t we pick this up next week? I hope you’ll be more comfortable to talk about it then.” She hands him back the small, black notebook.

He hesitantly takes it back, his feet already springing to get out of the room.

Was it just him or was the air running out in this tiny room.

“And, James?” She calls out.

He looks back, slightly winded.

“Remember, sometimes you need to just take a leap of faith, trust your heart.”

He nods solemnly, almost tripping over his legs trying to get to the door.

Hands fumbling over the handle, he’s greeted by a rush of cool air when he finally opens the goddamn door.

He stuffs the notebook in his pocket, taking big strides towards the exit.

It’s the same everyday.

Keep his head down, one sharp left, stop by the nearby cafe if he feels like it.

But today, he takes a right, taking out his flip phone he prefers to the touch screens these days.

Punching in the only number he knows, his stomach’s doing flips.

Don’t pick up, don’t pick up.

“So you do know how to call someone.” Sam picks up after a few rings.

He could almost hear the stupid smirk.

“How are you?” He cringes, the grip on his phone tightening.

It’s a small pause before Sam chuckles, “Y/N’s doing fine. In fact, she just got back from a mission in Prague yesterday.”

Of course, you’d still be going on missions, it was the only thing you knew.

“That’s not why I called.” He huffs, leaning against his car now.

It was an old, beat up Honda that he’d fixed up from the local junkyard.

“Really? Then enlighten me.”

It was Cecelia’s fault for bringing you up. If she hadn’t brought her up, he wouldn’t be here doing this.

“Where is she?” He closes his eyes, wanting the ground to just crack open and swallow him whole.

“Right where you left her.”

He mumbles a hasty goodbye cause he’s not sure he can trust himself to keep his composure any longer.

Getting into the car, he pulls out the notebook, going through the list.

He’d ticked off the list last month, even adding a few more names just to avoid the crossed out name at the end.

He jams the keys in, the car purring to life, before he can change his mind.

-

The door is taunting him.

He doesn’t know how but it is.

A quick exhale and he raises his hand to knock on it, half hoping you won’t open it.

But you do.

He always loved your eyes cause they held so much life to them.

Like for now, confusion morphing to recognition and rage in an instant.

You’re in bad shape, he can gather from the slight limp and bruises.

It feels like forever before you call his name in disbelief, what he’s longed to hear for so long.

He wishes you’d curse him out, hit him or tell him to go away cause that’s what he deserves.

But you don’t.

Instead, your pretty eyes brim with tears.

“Don’t.” He grits his teeth, unable to meet your eyes.

He always hated to see you cry.

“Then, why’d you leave?” Your voice breaks as months of bottled up heartache pour out.

He had to.

You were the only right thing he’d done in a long long time and he couldn’t mess it up.

“I needed to fix myself before I could trust myself around you.”

He grimaces as he remembers the life draining out of your face, while his hands were wrapped around your neck.

That very night he’d left, requested for therapy and could only hope it would work.

But it didn’t.

There was no fixing anything, he’d realised that waking up from nightmares far too many times.

“You could have picked up the phone.” Your voice barely above a whisper, stinging like a nasty burn.

He almost did, everytime.

But he hated himself too much to allow that.

“I’m sorry.” That’s all he can whisper, fighting the urge to take you in his arms.

“If you’d just let me in, realise that I do understand you.” You’re basically pleading at this point but you don’t care.

“I know you do. But you don’t have to. You deserve a better guy.” He says the same thing when he left like a broken radio.

“There is no better guy for me, Bucky. Why can’t you get that through your thick skull?” You limp over closer to him.

You know he’s focused only on your limp, eyes filled with concern as they rake over your wounds.

“Does it hurt?”

The same thing he always used to ask after a mission while tending to your injuries.

“Yea, here.” You pat the left side of your chest, biting down a smile.

He has to fight back one too, but it’s kinda hard.

You meet his eyes, a little too long cause you’ve missed gazing into them every morning.

Maybe this is the leap of faith Cecelia keeps droning on about, he thinks as he leans in, “We should take a look at that, then.”

You sniffle, “I’m still mad at you.”

He laughs, which involuntarily makes you 2% less mad.

“I missed you.” He whispers, his lips inches away from yours.

You don’t have to say it back cause he knows.

He leans in closer, ghosting over your lips, waiting for your approval.

You close the distance, lips crashing into his almost in desperation.

Which you regret almost immediately cause you taste blood.

A split lip and kissing, not so pretty.

He pulls away and you mewl, pulling him back.

“You’re only making your lips worse.” He chuckles, hands slipping into yours.

Instead, he kisses your forehead, trailing all the way to your lips where he pecks them gently.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers again, head leaning on yours.

“I forgave you a long time ago. I was just waiting for you to come back.” You sob, tears springing out again.

He pulls you into his chest, steady hands you’ve craved for so long.

Gently rocking you back and forth, he strokes your hair, fleeting kisses to calm you down.

You’re struggling to keep your legs stable as your eyes grow heavy but you ignore the blatant aches in your body cause you don’t want to leave his embrace.

And he somehow always seems to notice.

“You need to rest.”

You shake your head, holding onto him even tighter.

He knows he won’t win against your stubborn ass so he lifts you up carefully, legs swinging over his arms while you snake your hands around his neck for support.

“Stay.” You mumble as he takes you in the room you two used to share.

And he does.

Boy, was Cecelia in for a ride next session.

-

a/n : im cringing as i post this🧎🏻‍♀️🔫🏃🏻‍♀️jsneyswjausowkaw but supeerr excited for tfatws this friday :)) also i named bucky’s therapist for convenience lol im pretty sure she’s not named in the first ep? i could be wrong tho

#bucky barnes #tfatws #bucky x y/n #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky imagine #bucky #james bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #the winter soldier #mcu #marvel

[i-cant-sing]

Hey, hypothetically asking: Is there a way for me to stop feeling emotions? I mean... having them is kinda hurting me at times. I usually have trouble expressing myself but then I stumbled across your blog and I decided to give it a shot. I'm really sorry if I'm bothering you with this, I just need to vent feelings to someone. My school's adding so much of stress in my life for me, I keep having test after test and I guess I'm scared that I'll be a failure if I fail. And on top of that, I barely get 4 hours of sleep everyday because of all the extensive notes I always keep writing and we keep getting various projects. Oh, and I guess you could say that I'm also kind of a loner? I also don't know why it's so hard for me to love someone either platonically or romantically. I guess it's because I'll never be good enough and I might be scared of attachment. I might have philophobia the fear of love but at the same time, I'm also scared of being alone. Wow, isn't that ironic? Sometimes I feel like the pain in my chest is getting too heavy, I feel like giving up... but then the only things that's keeping me sane are the fics that I write everyday. And another ironic thing: I keep giving people advice on things like not giving up on life and having faith that things will get better but I'm not so great at following my own advice. Then again, no one ever is

Sorry I dumped my feelings on you, I know some people might think I'm being over dramatic and making a big mountain out of a mole hill or I could be an attention seeker. But after writing this, I kinda feel half better and once again, damn... this thing was really long

This feels like my past self sent this to me lol. Anyways, anon I'm not really great at giving advice, and I'm not really good at expressing emotions either, and I'm 20 and in college, so I haven't got my shit figured out yet.

Look I know how stressful school and exams can become, and believe me, the older you grow, you're gonna have other kinds of stressful problems. But... I suppose the way I've dealt with pretty much any difficult situation, especially during exam season, is to talk to myself. And it honestly helps me figure out a lot of things in life, and also helps give myself reality checks and realise when I'm in the wrong. It's also very entertaining too. So, be your own therapist, your own motivator.

You know, I once failed a really big, important test- actually 3 exams. But even at that time, while I was sitting in the dark, listening to Renegade by Styx, I told myself: "This too shall pass." That no matter how bad things seem, bad situations don't last forever.

Now, worrying and stressing over your studies/school won't do anything. Whenever I feel like I'm about to breakdown, I clap my hands and then focus on palms, take deep breaths and tell myself "I got this." But as students we are bound to be burnout, so I recommend listening to music in the dark, taking a walk, or even reading some short story or something. We all need a little escape from reality, that's why fiction is my favourite genre.

I highly recommend that you take some days off from school or at least a break from studying, because in the longterm you'll study more this way. You may think that you would fall behind like this, say maybe by 20%? But you'd still be 80% prepared, and that's way better than not taking a break and falling behind by 30%.

You sound like a teen and let me tell you girl, you can literally do nothing to stop yourself from embarrassing yourself. Nothing. I cringe everytime I go to my Facebook and see the kind of teen I used to be🤮🤮🤮 I'm not like that anymore 😭 But important thing to remember is that everyone else is also constantly worried about embarrassing themselves, so they probably don't even remember what stupid thing you did.

Man just chill out a bit, like physically tell yourself to chill out when things start piling up. Like take a nap, listen to music, read some fics then get back to studying. Worry about relationships later, you got your whole life for that. Don't worry about what others are thinking, just focus on yourself.

U said u write fics? Anon, send the link🔪

[mywrittings]

old habits / rafe cameron

𝓈𝓊𝓂𝓂𝒶𝓇𝓎: your sleep is interrupted by rafe and the night turns into him crumbling in front of you and a secret gets out

𝑔𝑒𝓃𝓇𝑒: angst/fluff

𝓌𝒶𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈: drugs, explicit language, mentions of alcohol please DO NOT read this if you get triggered by any of the things mentioned again this is only a story!!!!

why is it that out of all houses, your sister decided to throw a party just in the one you’re living in. it was basically like in the movies, parents out of town – party time. your sister decided to have a ‘small’ party gathering for her friends but of course, the word gets around and before you know it, people you don’t even know were bursting through the door. you didn’t want to get involved as you had a very long day and just wanted to sleep – which obviously that won’t be happening since she had already started blasting music from downstairs and the amount of alcohol that is currently in your kitchen, covering the entire island… yeah this isn’t going to end very soon.

you locked yourself in your room which you made it very clear to your older sister that you don’t want anyone disturbing you and if someone wants to have sex, they can simply do that somewhere else and not in this house. she mumbled something back to you, clearly annoyed but you didn’t care as well, you just wanted to be alone.

putting your earphones in, to try and quiet down the noise and grabbing your laptop to do some random quizzes as you were trying to relax and make yourself tired. but the noise coming from a floor below you was way too loud. the amount of people that have entered your house by now – you didn’t want to think about it.

throwing the useless earphones on the floor, slamming the laptop shut you rolled your eyes and hit the pillow, where you were attempting to fall asleep. you tried thinking about something nice and positive that would make all this noise go away and weirdly enough you somehow managed to do so. you were close to falling asleep, relaxed and clamed down a bit when a sudden loud knock at the door wakes you up.

‘’hello? y/n please open the door, I’m begging you!’’ you hear a low screaming voice, pounding on the door as your head shots up

‘’y/n! open the door, it’s an emergency!’’ the person says again as you grunt, turning on your night light before slowly making your way to the door

‘’y/n, come on please-…’’

you open the door, barely, just enough to see who it was as the persons head shots at you. in front of you was standing a tall, slicked brown hair boy, frustrated out of his mind but the look on his face changed as soon as he saw you open the door.

‘’rafe?’’ you whisper, rubbing at your eyes as you see him stare at you

‘’I know you told your sister you don’t wanna be disturbed but please let me in, a girl is chasing me all around the place I don’t wanna deal with her shit,’’ he sweeps his hair back ‘’just let me in until she leaves and then I’ll leave too.’’ his face was desperate, he was observing you with the pleading look in his eyes as you sighed

‘’rafe! where the fuck are you?!’’ you both turn your head into the direction as rafe turns back to you, begging you to let him

you swing the door open, grabbing him and pushing him inside before you shut the door and lock it, as the screams coming from that girls mouth only got louder and louder.

‘’fuck she is so annoying oh my god…’’ he whispers in disbelief, running his hand through his hair, while pacing up and down your room

‘’rafe who is-…’’ he darts to you, pressing his hand on your mouth as you hear loud knocking on your door – she was here

‘’just tell her to fuck off and that you wanna sleep.’’ he whispers gently as you nod in agreement

‘’rafe! are you in there?!’’ the girl was screaming at the top of her lungs, whatever is it that she wanted from him, she needed it bad

‘’will you keep it down I’m trying to fucking sleep!’’ you shout back at her and the corner of rafes motuh twitches up

‘’is rafe in there?!’’

‘’I told you I’m trying to sleep, go away!’’ you resort back as you hear her loud footsteps going away before she finally disappeared

rafe sighs in relief as he sits down on your bed, with his elbows on his knees. he clearly was very frustrated with her.

‘’so, who is she?’’ you ask again, sitting down on the floor across from him

‘’ah…,’’ he waves his hand ‘’just some random girl that’s trying to get with me.’’ he laughs it off but you sensed there was something bigger behind it

‘’why would she be begging to fuck you like this?’’ you question, as his eyes shot up at you

‘’maybe she’s that desperate to fuck me, I don’t know.’’ he mumbles, before he starts taking his shirt off

‘’wow wow, what are you doing?!’’ you yell, covering your face with your hands

‘’oh, I’m sorry,’’ he says as you take a quick peek through your fingers and see him holding at the hem of his shirt, exposing his skin ‘’I just wanted to take it off because the girl threw herself on me, I don’t want that filthy scent on me.’’ he adds

‘’no um…it’s fine you can take it off.’’ you laugh

‘’did you think I was gonna do something to you…’’ he mumbles the last part, clearly embarrassed because of his action but you quickly correct him

‘’no omg, I was just shocked that’s all.’’ you say and try to laugh it off again

‘’I… I’m not like that y/n,’’ he mutters, playing with the hem of his shirt ‘’i would never hurt you.’’ he looks up to which you nod and smile – this just kinda got awkward

‘’I know you’re not, I promise I was just shocked, you don’t see me throwing my pj’s off now do you?’’ you cackle and he finally smiled back, as he takes his shirt off

and wow were you charmed. your eyes were glued onto his tone torso, visible abs on his soft skin, as your night lamp hit them, you couldn’t stop staring. he was fiddling with his shirt, as he didn’t know where to put it, before you asked him to give it to you and you threw it in your laundry basket.

he offered you a ‘thank you’ look as you closed your closets door.

‘’so, why aren’t you attending the party? I mean I know you asked not to be bothered but still, you could’ve had the time of your life.’’ he leans back onto his forearms, exposing his v line, to which you found it so hard not to look at

‘’um…i was just tired, parties aren’t really my thing.’’ you resorted, sitting back down on the floor, crossing your legs

‘’oh fuck, I’m so sorry, i shouldn’t have asked for your help,’’ he says as he stands up to leave ‘’I’m so sorry for bothering you, I should have respected you and left you alone.’’ he goes to unlock the door but you shot up and put his hand on his pocket, to tell him it’s okay as you feel some sort of small packet in it

‘’rafe, what’s in the pocket?’’ you question in a toneless voice but you already knew the answer

rafe closes his eyes, looks down on the floor before you pull out the small packet.

it was drugs.

‘’what the hell rafe?! are you still dealing this shit?!’’ you shriek throwing the packet on the floor

‘’i am okay! I fucking am dealing this and using it myself,’’ he yells as he turned red, going to grab for the packet ‘’it helps me y/n.’’ he mumbles as he crouches, rubbing the nape of his neck

‘’so that’s why the girl is chasing you…’’ you connected the dots and the answer was right

‘’yes…but this is my last packet and it’s mine.’’ his voice was brittle, breaking down as he was about to cry while reaching for the packet, stuffing it in his pocket

you crouch down to his level, feeling horrible for the boy that was shattering in front of you. you have known him for a while now and you knew about his drugs past as you were the one helping him recover. he seemed like a very troubled kid but not to you. you always liked to see the good in people and you knew it was possible for him to change.

‘’rafe, is everything okay at home?’’ you placed your hands on each side of his cheeks, stroking them lightly with your thumbs, wiping the tears away

you knew about his dad and how he was behaving towards him. everytime you were at his house, taking care of him you always bumped into him and he’d make stupid remarks about his son that really made you mad. 

rafe glanced at you, his eyes resting on yours ‘’no,’’ he mumbles as his mouth started quivering, before more tears slipped along his cheek as you wiped each away ‘’my dad thinks I’m a failure, I don’t get things done, I spend all my money on stupid shit,’’ he continues ‘’but the truth it that helps me to forget about everything that’s bothering me.’’ he points to the packet now in his pocket

‘’but rafe, the drugs aren’t the solution, it’s only going to make it worse for you.’’ you say with emotion in your voice, you really didn’t want him to go back to his old habits

‘’I know they are not but what else have I got to do y/n? nobody cares about me, I’m just a fucked-up guy that will never be enough.’’ he slumps down, sitting on the floor as he starts wiping the tears himself

‘’I care about you.’’ you suddenly say, even surprising yourself

the truth is, you always had a crush on him. you just never wanted to tell him, afraid of the rejection. although he was never once mean to you, always smiled, waved when he’d see you. that’s why you held onto him in your mind – he is going to change and you were right.

‘’what?’’ he whispers, looking at you

‘’I care about you rafe, I was the only one that didn’t give up on you and knew you could change,’’ you sit down closer to him ‘’and this is just a mistake,’’ you say that as you point at his pocket ‘’you think now there is no way out but there is rafe. you have me, I’ll always be on your side.’’

rafe stares at you, his eyes were still full of tears, shocked as to what you were saying. but before you knew it, his big arms reach to you and pull you onto his lap. you sit on top of him as his cold fingers hit the sides of you, his chest pressing into yours as his forehead collided with yours. both of you were heavily breathing and your mind could not process what was happening.

‘’you believed in me.’’ he whispers, his voice turning thick as now he broke down completely

‘’you believed in me…’’ he repeats twice and cries out loud, as if someone just stabbed him deep down. the pain in his voice, in his tears was devastating, your heart ached for him. you quickly wrapped your arms around him, pulling him into a big bear hug as his head rested at your neck, his hands still on your sides, as his fingers dig into your skin

‘’of course I did rafe, I will never give up on you.’’ you couldn’t help but to cry yourself, as you felt hot tears going down your cheeks. this boy meant everything to you and you would do anything to make him feel happy, no matter what the issue would be.

‘’all this time you were there for me,’’ he sniffles ‘’coming to my house, bringing me stuff, taking care of me,’’ he pushes his head deeper into the crook of your neck ‘’I’m sorry I didn’t realize it early y/n.’’

‘’don’t be sorry rafe, It’s all good, I’m here.’’ you whisper, tracing your fingers at the soft skin on his back, you wanted him to feel safe and comforted

‘’I’ll throw it out tonight, I swear.’’ he claims, his voice now more serious and steadier

‘’I’ll help you, okay?’’ you quickly add, taking your other hand and running it through his hair, he always loved this back when you were taking care of him, it was a small gesture but he felt special

‘’okay.’’ he lifts his head up to meet your eyes, his were blood shot red, utterly tired from all that crying and stressing.

you stood up from his lap, putting your hand out as he grabs it and yanks himself up before he tugs on you and wraps you into his arms. ‘’thank you y/n, for everything.’’

both of you snuck out of your room, making sure there was no sign of that girl, still probably obsessing to find rafe. you both dart into an empty bathroom, shutting the door and locking it.

you turned around to see rafe, taking out the small packet, twirling it around between his fingers.

‘’hey,’’ you softly say, moving a step closer to him ‘’it’s going to be okay, you got this, I’m here with you.’’ you reassure him as he looks up at you, offering a sweet smile before moving to the toilet. he empties the packet and watches the content of it disappearing. you latch onto his hand, leaning onto him before glancing up, to see his eyes meet yours.

‘’ready?’’ you say as you see him softly look at you

‘’yes.’’ he answers as you both flush it down the toilet

‘’I’m so proud of you rafe.’’

‘’thanks for believing in me.’’ he thanks you, wrapping you in his arms once more, your cheek colliding with his bare chest, as you hear his racing heart

you both decided to spend the rest of the night in your room, cuddling up in each others arms as rafe kept thanking you for being there for him and how he is so happy you didn’t stop trying.

#rafe cameron #rafe imagine #rafe x you #rafe x reader #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron imagines #obx imagine #obx x reader #rafe obx imagine #obx masterlist #obx x you #obx x y/n #rafe x y/n #rafe angst #rafe fluff #rafe cameron angst #rafe cameron scenario #rafe cameron fluff

[cottagewhorequeer]

TW: mental illness (depression/anxiety/adhd), disordered eating/EDs

Ik this is different from what I usually post but I need to vent to strangers on the internet bc I feel a bit broken rn, this is probably gonna be a long post so sorry abt that

I’ve been diagnosed with adhd since elementary school, I was later diagnosed with depression and anxiety most likely as a result of adhd. I’m unmedicated and I need a therapist but I don’t have one. Things are Really difficult for me mentally rn. And full remote online learning has made everything like 1000x worse.

And it’s like... I’m trying So Fucking hard to make things feel the slightest bit normal but I can’t, everything I do feels like a waste and it’s infuriating. I can’t concentrate on anything anymore. I’m losing sleep so I end up sleeping through my first 2 classes. My grades are the lowest they’ve ever been at a time when I really need them to be higher bc I’m applying to college this year. And obviously the school support Sucks, like they’re trying but they aren’t actually Doing anything that’s going to help us long term.

I know I’m not a failure but it’s so hard to believe that when it seems like that’s all I can do right now. I’m going down a rabbit hole. I haven’t showered in over a week. My hair is literally falling out because I’m so stressed all the time. I’ve become like 10x more insecure abt myself and my body. Like I know that other people are going through shit but i just feel so fucking alone bc no one near me that can actually get me the help I need knows what it’s like to go through this. Obviously, I wouldn’t wish this on anybody, but it’d feel so nice to talk to someone who understands.

And another thing happened today that kinda pushed me over the edge. (This is where I get into the ED part and I’m going to be talking abt my weight)

We growing up I’ve always been really thin and I’ve had a fast metabolism. For the last few years I’ve been around 110. Which is underweight considering I’m 5’6”. But being thin has become like... part of me. Which kinda sounds conceited but it basically boils down to people picking me up and going “omg you’re so light” and “omg you’re so thin you could be a model” which may seem harmless but it’s actually done a number on my self esteem. Bc everytime I gain any amount of weight I get scared that people won’t like me or won’t view me the same. I’ve been good abt not weighing myself at home and kinda just showing up to the doctors to see what happens.

Quarantine has made me eating habits out of Whack and I have an issue where I eat whenever I’m bored or as a way to procrastinate. So you can imagine the eating I’ve been doing.

Today, in physics we had to do a lab. This lab required us to weigh ourselves. I wasn’t that worried abt it. Until I looked at my weight and I was 119.6 pounds. I wanted to cry. It felt like a part of me had left and I couldn’t be that thin girl anymore. And 119.6 is still Light!! It’s just not what I used to be and bc I’m the same height as I was last year but like 6 pounds heavier I feel like some kind of failure. Like I’ve some how lost ? If that makes sense?

I wanna be the same. I want everything to be the same to be normal. But Nothings like that anymore and it’s driving me crazy.

I just want to be happy

That’s all I want, just for a bit just for a moment I want to feel productive and like I know what’s going on. I want to be in control of my own life but it feels like I’m slipping away from myself. My anxiety/adhd tics have gotten worse and it makes literally doing anything so difficult.

Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for reading and sorry for over sharing, I don’t have therapist

But if y’all have any coping strategies or tips or advice or anything, please tell me, I’m so lost and I need comfort rn I need to feel like maybe I’m not so lost and maybe I do have some control over my life

Goodnight

#disordered eating tw #depression #anxiety #adhd #living with adhd #coping #coping strategies #advice #self help #help #please help #I just want someone to listen to me for once #lonely #eating #eating disoder mention #mental illness #mental health

[evisamora]

She Ra, season 3, episode 1

Here we go again, Evisa big stupid analyst! I’m sorry but I love doing it and it help me to think.  So here we go with Episode 1.  First, we know that SW left the Horde by “manipulating” Catra and go to Bright Moon to see Adora. Which is interesting, because in a way she has nowhere to go, but she cna still feel safe enough to go see Adora. Is that because she believes in Adora? Or is she really desperate? I mean, the Bright Moon Prison seems... pretty nice. Everyone seems surprised of it. Angella, is it the prison or not?

Well, guess it is.  Plus, Angella got call out by our famous SW. I mean they kinda look a like no?

Well anyway, let’s be honest Glimmer and Angella has the same personality and they are quite a show to watch yelling at each other.  I love how Angella doesnt want Adora to be in contact with SW because she is dangerous, but Angella is aware of the psychological damage she done to her when she was young and she might have an idea how she treated her in the Fright Zone. Plus, Glimmer kind a make of reference that SW knows how to manipulate Adora. BUT Adora kinda make the T post to impose her dominance. 

But it doesnt work. You are such a gay Adora.  Anyway, she will try to infiltrate SW prison to spoke to her, because she came to Birght Moon and it kind of picked Adora curiosity. We can’t blame you Adora, it took all the fandom by surprise too. 

Obviously, the Bestfriend Squad know each other perfectly so... Guess they knew what Adora planned since the beginning. Heres a compilation of Glimmer stopping Adora. 

Ok the first one, Glimmer look like she wants to grabs Adora butt and Adora is like : NO!  And I am not sorry for this.  But yeah Adora try so hard to go see SW.  At the same time, we are learning that SW wants only to talk to Adora and that she is actually dying. I am pretty sure that people who hates Light Spinner/SW was happy to heard that, but eh eh. Actually She Ra will heal her. SW will show her how to use her power.  BUT HOW DID SHE GET IN SW ROOMS?? Actually, this is Glimmer who lets her after a long talk with Adora.  Meanwhile, Bow will distract the Queen and Castaspella with a Magic trick?! (I wanted to see that trick Bow)

I love how Glimmer did her protective girlfriend speech to her future mother in law. Sassy girl. 

To be honest, SW calling Adora “my Adora” make me ... I don’t know to be honest. I really want to think that she really loves her like if she was her child, but at the same time SW took her because she was feeling power in her and knew that she was different. We all know the Weaver loves power. 

Lucky us, Adora didn’t believe her.. well I think? Maybe she did believe her in a way, but at the same time knew that SW had other intention 

SEE

Adora is different because she has power in her! Here we can see a proud girlfriend because Adora doesnt trust SW. 

Even after all this, Adora will accept to heal SW as long as she talks. First she need to make the T post dominance as She Ra to make sure SW is really afraid.

Angella and Castaspella will hear noise or see light? Maybe both! And they will enter the room> Poor Bow, he was trying hard to distract them. Guess you’ll need a little more practice after all. You are such a dork. 

SW finally speak about why she is here. 

AND this is what I find interesting, SW said that Catra betrayed her and that Hordak get rid of her so she wants to take THEM down. Which is kind of true, but at the same time she did everything to keep her alive. I think it’s funny how Catra and SW are alike. Both keep grudge but don’t see how their actions affect people around. It’s at the same time that she told them about the portal, which JOKE ON YOU SW WE KNOW SINCE SEASON 2. Plus, it’s at the same time she tell Adora that she is not from here and Hordak took her and bring her there from a portal. 

TATAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Big intense music during these scene. I mean, it’s not like a big spoilers because many of us fam already saw it. There is when Adora left and ask Light Hope for answer! 

There is the part we know that Mara cut them off from the rest of the galaxy and that is will be really dangerous to open one right now. 

Does it means that if they can reestablish their link with the rest of the universe they can open a portal again without any consequences? For people who finished the series do you know where I want to go with this?  Anyways, after her talk with Light Hope, she goes back to Bright Moon and this is when the bestfriend squad decide to go on a trip to the Crimson Waste and follow he message from Mara. This is how the ADVENTURE begin mesdames and messieurs.

AND NOW! Not that I have my favorites in this show, but I do. The SuperpalTrio, what is happening with them. DO WE SEE THEM? Yes don’t worry. 

As we can see our baby is alive. She is in a prison like SW was. I don’t know if it’s the same cell and tbh I don’t care. And Scorpia is running to trying to make Catra escape so she will not have to be sentenced by Hordak.

***LOOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN********

I know, I repeat myself, but Scorpia is a precious bean and she is the friend that no one deserve. ~cancer rights~ But meh Catra doesnt want to because she doesnt want Scorpia to get in trouble for her. Which it shows that Catra really cares for Scorpia because she doesnt want her to get in trouble in the first place. 

This, my friends, this is the part where we know Catra doesnt believe in herself anymore.  Yes, she never had a big self esteem, but she always thought that shw could proove herself to SW, to Adora and to Hordak, but now she doesnt believe in her at all, she thinks she is a loser and she will never win. Win what? Win to be the favorite? The trusted one? The good one? I don’t think she is talking about power. Yes, in the Horde she needs to have power to have all of this and this is why Catra try to have it.  And we can see her girlfriend being mad at her future mother in law. Man, SW you need to watch your back. 

But good one Scorpia, because we all know she is not right. 

SCORPIA FACE FOIEQHFIEQHJFQFIHVQFQFJ. Man, SHE IS YOUR FRIEND AND YOU ARE HER BESTFRIEND! 

IS THAT A LOVE CONFESSION BECAUSE OOOOOF IT’S HOT IN HERE! But no for real, it was really kind from you Scorpia. Man, Scorpia, I know you love your friend lie if they were a part of you, but you can’t realy on someone like that it’s really bad for you. It’s even worst because Catra has self destructive behaviour. Even if Catra doesn’t have any, you need to rely on yourslef more and being your world. You dont need to make someone else our world because yours is already amazing.  Entrapta and Hordak relationship/friendship is stronger than never before! He pretty let her do everything she wants or she doesnt listen to him so he just let her do it?! 

Entrapta will safe Catra life by using the development of the Horde since Catra was in charge and how it get better. She will told her that she need her to find a first one tech in Crimson Waste. 

Tbh this is me with my gf everytime she is trying to win an argument with me and that she is right.  I mean, I understand Hordak to trust Entrapta complety because she is kind of the only one who can face him and be totally honest with him. Look at my baby grumpy face. Can I marry her? 

After, Catra will be sent to Hordak to have her punishment. Lonnie is so worried about her cat girlfirend. 

Hordak will call Catra a failures and want people to take note of her mistake, but Catra kinda of call him out. I don’t know if it’s because she thought she will die so she let out everything she wanted to say before?! I mean she seems pretty ready to die and to let herself go. OR maybe she thinks it will save her by trying to convince him that he needs her? 

Ok Lonnie is totally laughing. She is proud of her girlfriend. 

Catra are you fingering guns Hordak?! HOney, we talked about that. 

The fist remind me something..... wait ....

OH YEAH! Dam. Thats scary Arthur... EH HORDAK! 

Catra will learns that she is going to Crimson Waste to retrive first one techs (where no one survive and that’s why Hordak send her there). He is sure she will never return. Guess Entrapta really have high hope in Catra!

#she ra spoilers #spop spoilers #she ra #She Ra and the Princesses of Power #Catra #adora #scopria #bow #glimmer #entrapta #angella #Castaspella #HOrdak #Lonnie #Kyle #Rogelio #Shadow Weaver #spop

[spazzbunn]

Thank You

The brown rabbit and the red panda couple were walking down the streets to explore the nightlife. Technically, they were out on their date. They have been having a lot of them lately. Going to places. Either somewhere new or most of the time some place they know of. No matter what, they always seemed to have the most fun. Spazzie looked over to his side to see his girlfriend, who was smiling and looking at the gorgeous lights the park and streets had setted up. This caused him to smile too. “This is pretty wonderful huh?” Spazzie questions Katrice and she nods and agrees with him. “Yeah! Thanks for walking with me. I know you didn’t have to do that.” Katrice says as the two were done having dinner in a restaurant for their date. “It’s no worries.” Spazzie was hearing what she was saying, but his mind was elsewhere. Thinking back to the days of when he wasn’t true to himself. The blue boy stage. Having to be lonely. Be scared of life. Feeling awful about himself. The smile on the rabbits face was starting to go down. Quickly, Katrice noticed. “You ok Spazzie?” The red panda said with worry as the rabbit just couldn’t lie to her “Honestly, I have been thinking lately about my past.” He shivers slightly. “God, I didn’t know I was that cringey. Why did you say yes to me being your boyfriend again?” He was able to get a chuckle out of her. “Because I love you for being you.” Katrice says as she holds his paw firmly as it causes him to slightly blush. He still can’t stop blushing when it comes to be romantic with her. She is just too special. “Heh. I remembered I used to talk to myself, practicing for when I was going to tell you my feelings towards you...yeah, it is weird, I know.” The rabbit really did fall for her. With that, he could see her ears perk up. “No no. I don’t think it’s weird. I just have one thing though.” She stops walking and the bunny stopping as well. “Well, I never asked this but, why did you fall in love with me?” Normally, Spazzie would be freaking out, sweating like bullets and having to be a nervous wreck with a question like that. This was a different Spazzie. He seemed more calmer, though his mind was racing and his heart was pounding hard like drums. “I fell in love with you for so many reasons.” He held her paws as he softly smiled and blushed. The same goes for Katrice. “Oh?” She said as he nodded and he was beginning to list them off. “You have such a lovely voice. Everytime I hear it, I go weak because of how soft and gentle you sound, which fits your personality well.” Katrice felt weak right now just from that. She did feel her voice felt ‘bleh’. But to Spazzie, it was like music to his ears. “You also are so caring towards mammals. Towards me.” “Well yeah.” Katrice says. “I just want to be nice and expect to be nice back. You have always been the most supportive towards me.” “Well I wanted to make you keep going with your future. To have you do whatever you want, and I would be there to support you every single step of the way.” Spazzie felt himself feeling bolder yet his heart beats were fast with the look of Katrice’s face showing that she could see and feel his chest pounding. “I also do love your talks. Either some anime or some art you and/or the Kit Kats made, you talking about it really interest me. I never get bored of our talks.” “Awwwee. So I really ain’t boring?” Katrice joked with Spazzie objecting that, only to add in the sweetness. “Your singing is really smooth like silk chocolate.” Spazz says from the heart that really got the red panda blushing and acting shy. “No no no. I ain’t that good.” Katrice tries hard to object yet the rabbit boyfriend of hers kept going. “It’s true. Every time you sing I stop everything just to listen. To hear your beautiful lovely angel like voice.” He felt himself going slightly closer to her. “I love it.” No other mammal complimented her singing except her parents. She felt warm and fuzzy inside knowing that her singing makes the bunny feel happy and good. “Thank you.” Katrice says to him. “Also...you are not like me.” He smiled softly. “I have been with mammals that were like me. Yet always ended in failure. You and I talk about different things, like different things, and yet I feel so happy and thrilled to talk to you about any topic you like or I like.” He scooted closer as if an unseen force was slowly pushing him forward. “You know.” Katrice adds in the conversation. “I kinda figured you had a crush on me.” “Oh really?” Spazzie groaned softly but still kept his smile. “It was that obvious huh?” “Well, we talk a lot, you always support me, you help me out with the kits and enjoy every single second with me and them. You even helped me with my drawings. So many times.” She chuckled from remembering. “Heck, didn’t you had an idea about a rabbit knight saving a princess red panda from the evil dragon?” “Hey that was something for the Kit Kats y-you know?” The rabbit felt his face flushed red from her remembering that crazy story idea as she laughed softly yet cutely. He always loved her laughs. Spazzie went on. “The point is, inside and out, you are beautiful the way you are.” He slightly gripped tightly on the paws of hers. “You sing like an angel, you look so beautiful and breathtaking, your talents are outstanding and your kind, caring, heartwarming personality is what brightens me up.” With in a quick second he letted go and wrapped his arms around her and hugged her close to him. She was slightly taller than him, but still he hugged her and felt a smile. “So thank you, for being the one mammal I trust my heart, my life, my whole reason for being happy with.” Spazzie felt a tear starting to drip from his closed eyes. “I love you. I always have loved you, and I will. I will never let go...and I know you wouldn’t either. Right?” Katrice could only hug him back with her smile growing wider. “I love you too. And I will never let go either. You make me happy too ya know? Like how you are always happy and ‘spazzing’ out when you get lovey dovey on me.” Her words made him nervous chuckle but smile as he blushed red. “You are everything to me.” He slightly lets go but faces her, still his arms wrapped around her. “I'm glad you are in my life Katrice.” “Oh Spazzie. I’m happy that you are happy. We are partners. We are best friends.” Katrice brings her face closer, their noises touching and lips barely close to form a kiss. “We are a loving couple that, when together, can take on the world if we wanted to. You and I...we are different mammals, we like different things, but our love is too strong and we understand each other. We both agree on things so we wouldn’t fight. No mammal would ever say that I was right. Only you...and we got each other now because of your sweetness and good heart” Spazzie was being a blushing dork now “We both are right about one thing...we got each other. And I am happy we are together. Truly happy.” “Really?” Katrice says, knowing full well he meant it. Spazz’s response was a soft small couple of kisses under the dark blue sky and the moon light. She happily accepted his sweet love filled kisses as she gave some back, holding closely as mammals passed by with some feeling happiness seeing love was spreading like wildfire to sweet adults like the rabbit and red panda. They slowly halt their kisses and took a couple of seconds of snuggling up against each other. Feeling their loving embrace that made their hearts mellow with ease and feel butterflies in their stomachs. “Please don’t leave me.” Spazzie says in almost a whisper. “I don’t want to feel alone again. Not when I feel happy waking up to your calls and texts. Please Katrice.” “I never would leave you. Not when you make me feel special and treat me better than any mammal could.” Katrice meant every single word of it. The two mammals did their kisses on the cheek to both brighten up their spirits as they started to go back to walking down the street, with the two having to agree to head back to Spazzie’s place to watch some movies on the couch and sleep on it together. “Sorry I said that...I just had that instinct you know? I had so many horrible relationships in the past...I want this to work, I want us to work. You are the only one who treats me right and makes me happy and make me feel energized and full of love when we spend time! And when-” Spazzie was ‘spazzing’ out again, but thankfully Katrice held his paw as he slowly came to a halt and took a breath before apologizing. “You are ok. I %100 percent know how you feel. I feel like that every time, every day, every second when we are together.” Katrice says to her rabbit as the two smiled and felt blissful. Peaceful because of love under the moon and stars. They were happy in their company. That was all that mattered to them. They were happy together in their relationship, and felt trusting, felt loving, felt joyful to each other. Katrice and Spazzie smiled throughout the whole night since that talk. Their jaws would hurt the next morning, but the night will forever be in their memories. Forever in the years of the future to come. (Katrice Russets belongs to @msitubeatz GIVE HER SOME GOODNESS AND LOVE! also a follow too) (ALSO Kazzie is a joke/wholesome ship)

#kazzie #katrice russets #spazzie warren #WHOLESOME SHIP

[skyblue-369]

We are so many on this world, but everybody starts their path here in exact the same way, don't they?

Somehow, that was not my case because I shared my birth with only 42 other children.

On The Twelfth Hour Of The First Day Of October 1989, Forty Three Women Around The World Gave Birth. This Was Unusual Only In The Fact That None Of The Women Had Been Pregnant When The Day First Began.

One of those unfortunate ladies was my mother. I don't know much about her. Just that she happened to pass by a very calm city in Northern Italy when I burst in her life. She didn't even have the time to look at me in the eyes that she decided to leave me by the door of a catholic orphanage. I still don't understand the reason why she didn't at least try to raise me by herself, but it's better like this. I must have caused her a hard trauma, and in addition we would have both lived a sad existence knowing that she didn't want me in the first place.

Anyway, being a religious building, there were nuns to run it. They welcomed me with open arms and named me Maria, even though they saw right away what I was capable of.

They always used to tell me how everytime I cried they had to wear gloves to hold me up because I would cover their hands in musk. Or wait, wait, wait! Also that I created little flower patterns on most of the hall floors when I moved my first steps. Yeah, I can grow plants by the way, but let's move on!

I brought some troubles with me, but they couldn't see a monster through this little girl's laughter. I was just another God's gift that needed care and protection. Actually, precisely because I was special, I was the one to receive it the most.

Besides the common bedroom, I had a space all for myself to practice in. Someone would expect some private garden, maybe a backyard. Now that I think of it, mine looked kinda like a cage, a room whose floor was covered in a thick layer of soil. Only the roof was replaced with a glass one in order to give me access to sunlight. I was supervised for all of my "playtime", when I mostly grew food for our supplies. No high plants were allowed except for fruit trees. Sometimes they'd let me recreate some pictures from my botany books, nothing more. Those brick walls made me frustrated, but I was too superficial at the time to understand they wanted to prevent me from escaping.

People continued to reassure me that I was doing good and that everyone relied on me to survive. They drowned my curiosity with privileges such as eating sweets more often than the others, having a higher education or receiving better gifts at Christmas. I cannot say I was living in luxury, but the nuns did their bests to make me live happily.

On the other side, the only thing they couldn't replace was my lack of affection.

The nuns treated me too well, but the other kids didn't seem happy about it.

It's insane that we've lived under the same roof for so many years, but we felt like acquaintances to each other. Although there was tension between us, they were never mean to me. Or maybe they were just gossiping when no one was watching. As a kid, I didn't understand how true friends are supposed to behave towards you. However, I knew that in friendship there should be a sort of feeling of comfort when staying together, and well, we didn't have it.

At the beginning, I was trying too hard to gain their trust, but then I started repeating to myself "I'm way better than everybody here. I could grow a whole forest in less than a minute if I wanted to. Who needs them? I'll have crowds cheering me one day."

...weird flex but okay

Unfortunately, I hoped to escape my very first failure by finding a family. I insisted and I've had some meetings with nice couples. Even if I couldn't show my powers, I was flawless. Aaand I received total rejection.

Probably it was all just a set up. For once, I envied the other children. Who wouldn't in my position? I had so much love to give and I would have been a good daughter! What have I possibly done wrong? I remember crying on the floor of my private room a few times and getting surrounded by weeds when I got up.

Time passed by and I ended up being eleven and without a family.

I used to dream about moving to the Amazon forest to look for a new species of flower. Maybe I would have found a guy who could talk to animals, who knows?

And then, I fell on a banana peel and slid into a series of unlucky events.

One day, we were having lunch and a silly argument came in. I'm still a teenager, it should be pretty normal at my age, shouldn'it? These two kids were mocking me and they were getting really heavy on me. I wasn't used to insults. Moreover, those words looked more and more like pieces of a bigger truth to me, so much that I hurt myself by pushing my hands over my ears. However, it was a single phrase that started it all.

"How can you even think that someone would love a narcissistic freak like you?"

I remember falling on my knees and closing my eyes, hands still on my ears. I just wanted silence, just for a moment. And I had it, indeed. It's only that when I opened my eyes, I saw them. The boys were lifeless, speared by some big branches all covered in blood. Branches that I made. It was my fault. It was my fault.

I needed to be calmed by those I thought as my loved ones, but I just receieved a shocked stare by every single nun. Some were standing still, while others were taking the children away.

"I can't stay here..." my body finally responded and I started running away. I restrained myself from throwing up. I went out and while I was climbing over the gate my left leg got stuck into a tube full of screws. I took it out right away without caring about my open wounds or how much they were making me suffer. I had to go on, I didn't even know where. I was finally visiting the world I wanted to see so desperately and I didn't even realise it. Eventually, I got to the harbour and both the stress and the seagulls put me to sleep in a ship container.

When I woke up, I didn't expect to be on the other side of the world. A bunch of sailors had brought me to the hospital of a little mountain town in the States called Anise Peak. When the nurse spoke English to me I freaked out. Luckily, I had taken some English classes at the orphanage and I could get away with it. Of course I ran away. They would have called the police and have sent me back to where I was from. I was wandering again, this time in the woods that surrounds the city. I was feeling completely lost. The single thought of the horror I had just committed made me impossible to use my powers in the future, so my chances of dying were higher. Nevertheless, something made me change my mind. Maybe God wanted me to stay longer and decided to bring me to a waterfall. I was taking a cold shower when I slipped on a door of leaves and saw that there was a hidden cave behind the waterfall. Eventually, it became my shelter. I've lived in here for almost three years now. How did I make it?

Well, thanks to my abilities I don't really need money for food. But after a while, when I found out that I couldn't live only on vegetables and fruit, I had to make up something. Almost outside the city old Damien has a supermarket, who unfortunately had a big problem at getting fresh veggies in such a cold area. And here it comes a farmer who lives nearby and is always busy, so sends his daughter to offer the man his services. Every two weeks I magically give him tons of goods in exchange of a little pay and some products such as bread or soap. I know it's not legal at all, but people are simple here and Damien was making a lot of money anyway. For me, it's tiring because I feel dizzy after I grow plants for a long period and because of transport, but at least I could live decently. The problem is that I had to be subtle to people's eyes. At night I have to put out the fire, or if I have to go out aside from work hours I have to climb trees and walk very high. I learned with time, and my scars prove it. Or maybe I can't walk around the town because everyone would recognise a new face.

I cannot call this "life" or "home", but it's fine at the moment. I get lonely from time to time, but I can always spy on families that come here camping. It's not that weird and it improves my language skills.

Oh my! Are those...gunshots? From the woods? What the hell is happening? It's better if I go check...

If you want to know more, go check:

#the umbrella academy #umbrella academy oc #umbrella acedmy #tua oc #tua ocs #oc appreciation #ocappreciation

[dovechim]

So "it's been a while" is an understatement... first I couldn't log in because uni was kicking my ass and I barely managed to sleep and eat to survive, then I went on vacation and didn't have an internet connection... but anyway, here I am, back home, after the only vacation i've been able to enjoy in the last I don't even know how many years and feeling the type of summertime sadness lana sings about (btw do you liste to her? I ADORE her voice although I don't really know all her songs) (1/?)-❄

Anonymous said: Sometimes I ask myself if it's even possible to get over depression or if you just get progressively better at dealing with it over time, I don't even have a real reason to feel this way anymore yet I can't do anything about it, it sucks honestly... can you believe that a person as privileged as me, who can afford education and food and all other necessities, feels so useless and hopeless? I'm annoyed by my own self tbh. I've struggled so hard to get into the uni I wanted and even (2/?) -❄

ooh yeah i know lana!!! i like summertime sadness and video games. her songs are just nice for that mood where u feel kinda lazy and not want to do anything. did you have a nice break? breaks always feel too short don’t they? its sunday night here and im not looking forward to work tomorrow :/

Anonymous said: Now that I have succeeded I feel like a failure, it's like you can never win no matter how hard you work or try... and the thing is I have so many things i'd love to do (in addition to my degree) that I just don't find the energy or the motivation to do: languages, painting, sports, the list goes on... sometimes I ask myself: "if your younger self saw you right now, what would she think?" I believe she would expect me to be much cooler but in reality I don't know how she would answer that(3/?)-❄

ah yes believe me, i know all too well how it feels... it’s like the challenges never end. there are just new ones that come with starting a new chapter of life. its great that you know you have lots of things to be thankful for, but don't ever feel bad for feeling the way you do!! let me tell you life is a mean lemon giver to everyone. 

i relate so hard to that. i dont think i’ll ever be the person my younger self/ current self wants to be. i’ll never be outgoing enough, pretty enough, kind enough, etc. and it sounds sad but somewhere along the way i got caught up in just surviving day by day and then there wasn't any time to worry about that anymore. 

Anonymous said: Anyway I wanted to update you but ended up ranting for no reason, i'm physically healthy, working on my mental health, i've enjoyed my summer break and now that i'm back i've decided to prepare for this years classes in advance by studying some of the subjects ahead of time in an attempt to combat my procrastinating tendencies (my classes start in about a month because I finished all my exams in july, usually people divide their exams between june-july and september in my country) (4/?) -❄

Anonymous said: I skimmed through some of your asks and i've seen you've been having a tough time with work, i'm sorry to hear that! Everytime I get on your blog i'm reminded of how sweet and understanding you are with everyone, you deserve the best and although this is bad news i'm sure that many other employers would be lucky to have you work for them, it's going to be tough but i'm sure you'll find a way to figure it out 💪 I believe in you!! 😘 sorry for my previous messages, take care ❤ -❄

Anonymous said: Also I recently found a youtube channel of a japanese pianist who plays while his cat is laying inside the piano right in front of the keys. It's the most adorable and relaxing youtube content i've seen in a while and I immediately thought of you ❤ it's called haburu, if you have the time check it out! There's nothing better than squishy cats purring while being massaged by piano keys -❄

im happy to hear u had a good break! take things slowly and dont rush yourself. the ultimate goal is always your wellbeing!!! ALSO THIS IS SUCH A COINCIDENCE i stumbled upon that channel on wednesday and it MADE MY ENTIRE DAY. that cat is so unbothered!!!!!! and his little head bobs when the piano keys move. i love river flows in you and when i watched that video in the middle of work it just gave me so much healing :D im rooting for us both, we can do it!!!

#answered #❄ #Anonymous

[theaceofgrapes-blog]

About Allurance.

And.. I know it sounds dumb, but I feel heartburn every time this ship, with this kind of development is mentioned.

Because it validates something I've been struggling so hard to move away, to move on from.

When I was younger, I was very lonely.

And.. I wasn't in a good place.

Mentally, mainly.

I guess you could call me a "Nice Guy" kinda guy? Or an incel. I would have related to Lance a lot. I wasn't the best in anything, I wasn't popular, I always felt like the seventh wheel.

I thought women only went after looks, that they only dated jocks and that "Good guys" were left in the friendzone.

I was toxic. Very much so.

I hated women.

I was SURE they had willingly wronged me. I was sure that, by being nice, I was entitled to a relationship. I used to make crass, gross jokes, I used to pester, to act clingy, pedantic. To use shitty pick up lines and to beat myself up when turned down. I was a master in guilt tripping.

But moreover, I was obsessive. Never to the point of stalking or harassing, but I was VERY obsessive.

So, everytime I see Allura blush at Lance. To say that Lance "deserves" Allura, that he was there before Lotor and thus has a right over her. Thus he's entitled to a relationship, I can't help but feel sick.

I can't help but to see my worst side, a part of my past I've been striving to move away from, get validated.

Allura isn't given a choice, this isn't Allura's personality, this Allura is a trophy, this Allura an award given to Lance for being a decent human.

And that sickens me.

And then there's the Lotor side of things. This way Lotor is reduced as a stepping stone for their relationship. He's dismissed as just another obstacle to "true love"

He loved Allura truly, he still does, and he's getting the short end of the stick, as the whole show shits on him without giving him the chance to fend for himself.

Even Acxa, his most trusted general calls him a liar.

This hurts on a whole another level, because it feels like my mother's abuse of me was justified. My parent's constant reminder of my countless shortcomings feels validated. It feels like they are, and were doing the right thing.

It feels like no matter what, I was destined to become a failure, to be useless, and that they were oh so right in kicking me down.

Sorry if I ruined the mood.

If you want to Ship Allurance, that's fine. I understand the appeal of it. You can headcanon all you want and ship it all you want. It's good, but not in this way. Not in the way it's portrayed in the show. Not so suddenly, not in such an immediate way.

#vld #vld spoilers #vld lance #voltron season 7 spoilers #voltron season seven #allurance #lotura #lotor #prince lotor #vld lotor #allura #lance #lance mcclain #ship #shipping #nice guy

[enouragement-blog]

The pride paradox

Last Sunday a word was given that was very difficult. I don’t mean it was hard to understand, or that it wasn’t from God. The Holy Spirit was very much so present. But I mean it was something harsh; a warning and promise of coming punishment. It was... very difficult.

The correct response when something like that happens is humility and repentance, which was shown in many, but not all. I don’t know if it was for one person specific or a group or a combination. But either way, I felt like hiding. God isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, and emasculating God in an attempt to make me feel better about myself is nothing more than inventing a god. The God of the bible is a very complex being, not as flat as the modern, even “Christian” culture, portrays. The incorrect response is one of assuming it’s for someone else, thinking it couldn’t possibly be for you, looking around trying to figure out who the sinner is.

Words like that feel like they are for everyone, and you feel a great pressure and weight on you. It becomes unmistakable for people who are at all honest to see where they have erred. But it also becomes obvious who is not listening - they look like they are unaffected, try to play it cool. 

So here’s the paradox: those that need to listen to those kinds of words the most feel the least like it is for them and listen the least, whereas those that it is the least for feel most it is for them and listen. It’s a paradox that I don’t quite understand. In my thinking, it’s kinda like, if they aren’t going to listen, why waste the time God? When people get to that point of pride, they don’t listen. This brings up another point: does God reject the proud (action), or do the proud naturally reject God and so God rejects them (reaction)? I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I can say with 100% certainty that I just don’t know. How do we avoid becoming like that? commit to seeking God and learning? Ask others how we are doing? I just don’t know.

One of the worship team said something very interesting in a prayer right afterwards, and it was along the lines of offending God. That really stuck out to me. We talk a lot about others offending us, and we talk a lot about not doing things to hurt others, but the issue was bigger than that. God Himself was offended. It was clear, everybody knew what was going on. God isn’t that old lady in the church that gets offended by everything, and He isn’t impotent like that old lady either. This was really a big deal.

The Holy Spirit causes a searching of motives, since He knows the inner heart. He searches our motives and He shows us. The hard words, anyone can learn from them.

There has noticeably been an attitude of disunity and bitterness in the church lately. And this word directly talked about that. These kinds of problems will always come around. They are like colds, and they can make people grow stronger. Or they can make them grow bitter. But still, just like a cold, they will always come.

We always have to be on guard, like the hymn says, we are “prone to wander, Lord I feel it”. So be on your guard at all times, and maintain humility. What is humility? I don’t know. It’s not self-loathing, because that’s basically pride - it’s all about me. I’m the worst, I’ll never get better, me, me, me. That’s no better than pride. Humility is more about being able to learn. Seeing yourself and others through the lens of God being God. Not thinking you are better than others. 

The prideful are destined to not listen and thereby be destroyed because that’s what pride does to you. The humble are destined to find God. If you are humble, when you mess up it will go better for you especially when you do something really stupid. Never assume you are good or your pride will prevent you from listening and you will fall. So how do you know when you’re good if everytime you think you are good you aren’t? I don’t know. If we could see truly, that would fix a lot of things. But we are prideful and blind to our own faults and failures. 

When the word was given, another person prayer and made the comment in the prayer “who hasn’t?” done this specific thing. When they first said it, I was thinking “What are you crazy? Shut up! Lightning will strike you”! But I started to get what they were saying after a minute: it was a humble response. Instead of who has done such a thing, it was Lord I am guilty too. Yes, God was talking about someone specific, but the correct response is not to be prideful and think that you’re all good.

[briteboy]

WHO is Santi and WHERE is his face?

i am LIVING for your warm & colorful posts right now!! your editing is so amazing and it brightens my day everytime i see a new post of yours *.*

THANK YOU!!!! <3 i am so happy/relieved to be using warm colors once more, i feel like myself again. don’t get me wrong, i do like evoking different moods, but sometimes (a lot of the time, especially with santi) too much is too much. today’s posts were HOPEfully my last emo edits..............for now

LOL I actually made a comment about Fiona naming a cat/dog (once Pets comes out) Rodrigo. I'll go back underground now haha (still a great story, cant wait to read more) -Runaway NONY

OH I DIDN’T EVEN SEE THAT wtf. either tumblr ate it or i accidentally scrolled past it i’m sorry. i always enjoy seeing messages from anons who return to my inbox! but lmAO that’s a good idea. i actually met the most perfect dog today and now i know the breed and name of dog santi needs immediately

Hii! If you dont mind me askin, how do you edit your darker screenshots? I always end up making them too light or too dark to see a thing :( Thank you!

hmmm idk what to tell you about making them too light or too dark, because that’s a very specific thing that really depends on the picture. BUT i know that the dodge tool is my bff for brightening up dark pictures while still retaining some of the darker elements you want in them (aversely, the burn tool will help darken parts), messing with the exposure can also really help, coloring can also help too, selective color is my bff especially with blue shadows and orangey skin...this is kind of a broad answer, i’m sorry, but if you needed help with something specific, let me know!

I remember you answered an ask and said you drew tears when you edit right? Is there a reason you don't use CC tears?

i answered this like two weeks ago but i can’t find it so whateveR i’ve used cc tears a few times but there’s only like three of those in existence and my characters have cried a LOT. i feel like it would be kinda weird if they had the same tears every time. also there are just some variations that i like to customize myself by drawing, like sometimes they’ll be full on sobbing, sometimes just one single tear...it just depends on the situation, that’s why i draw ‘em.

Santi is my favorite Harvest Moon character.

idk shit about harvest moon so idk how to respond to this :[ here’s a small picture of michael cera with a cactus

Would you recommend buying a macbook for playing sims?

if a macbook is what you already have, then yeah, i’d say it suffices without many problems. if you’re specifically going out and buying a computer with the knowledge that you’ll be playing sims on it, then mmmmmm i’d probably say no...but it also depends on if you’re like gonna get REALLY into storytelling and cc n shit or if it’s just casual gameplay with a mods folder that’s like 5 gb or less...if it’s the latter i think it should also be fine. but yeah it just depends on what kind of gaming you’re planning on doing.

How can I read your story from the beginning? Is there a link or something? I keep seeing it on my feet and it looks so great!

thank you! there’s a button at the top of my page that says “story directory” but if you’re on mobile you can just go here or copy this link: http://femmesim.tumblr.com/tagged/story/chrono

I've talked to u like once before and I'm to shy to talk to u again... Why am I like fish?

This**

we are all like fish if you really think about it lmao but really just reach out my dude! if we talked once then y’know you already broke the ice so just go for it!! i am here and ready to talk about all the things under the sun

Do you use Topaz Clean?

yep

hi hello so maybe I am just a blind bean but may I ask how in god's name do you get your images to be so crisp? I have everything set up, but it seems as if when I do my thing in Photoshop, everything turns out lookin like a blobfish. I'm not sure if you use another person's topaz settings or if you have your own. Thank you so much if you do respond bc I was too much of a wuss to message you *cries in Spanish*

OMG well it’s mostly just resizing, smart sharpening, and most importantly topaz clean (see above) that makes them so crisp. i also use the sharpen tool on sims’ faces, and the smudge tool when something is particularly pixelated or whatever. everything i do is listed in here! UR NOT A WUSS *hugs you in spanish*

youre my inspiration to be a better writer. I know i'm good and giving characters depth and backgrounds and coming up with a rough story idea. but i rush things and i'm not great at putting it into a good story so ya. My story on simblr started out as casual gameplay but i wanted it to be more and i'm trying to get better @ everything

OMG ;_________; it sounds like you are a good writer already, and it’s awesome that you recognize your strengths while also acknowledging that you need to work on some things as well. i try to do the same and i think that’s what keeps me level headed. it sounds like you just need to dedicate some time to planning, that way you start to realize all the nuances of your story that come together to flesh out that initial rough idea. you seem to have a positive attitude, so that’s great!! you’re already getting better and better, i know it <3

now Santi's song is Post Malone - Congratulations

OMF LMAO u sent this when santi finally got to mexico and it’s fitting

sos i was listening to the song fight song by rachel platten when i saw the photoset of santi making it to mexico and now i can't stop ugly crying please make it stop

omG i see it TAKE BACK UR LIFE SANTI U GOT THIS

This is so random but like, can I just say that you're so amazing like?? Why?? You're so sweet and funny and I love you very much ok

AKJSKJDFKJS THANK YOU THIS IS SO NICEEEE ;-; i try but a lot of the time i feel like a sarcastic asshole lmao thank u for thinking otherwise <3

Am I the only one who's like... really mad about pets being NPCs? I just feel like being able to control them was the best part. I don't really feel like the EP is worth it without them. Like, don't get me wrong, I understand that the team worked really hard on it, but I feel like they didn't do it as well as they could have.

hmm i’m kind of meh on that front because like on one hand i did like controlling pets and the novelty of the fact that you could just see their different interactions firsthand, but ultimately i think i’m okay with not controlling them because it makes it more realistic for me and honestly they’re probably more likely to take care of themselves a little bit more if they’re automated, because i’m just thinking about ts3 pets and how i literally had to make them go pee outside otherwise they’d pee in the house...even if they were well trained and stuff lmao. plus there might be a cheat or mod that lets you control them, like there was in ts2? so don’t lose hope yet.

hey your blog is AWESOME, i read through your stories in a day and am obsessed (kind of in love with gianni) ❤ what are some of your favorite ts4 blogs? i'm trying to find more awesome blogs to read through during my miserable journey of trying to get the game to work on my computer lol

heyo here’s some! thank you btw, and i hope your miserable journey ends soon :{

(I really need to get this off my chest) ok so my aunt is currently in a critical condition after having a kidney failure and she's in desperate need for a new one and I'm the only one in my family that's a match (so far) but I'm not allowed to donate bc I myself have severe health issues affecting my day to day life that would make it extremely dangerous for me to remove a kidney. I'm so fucking frustrated you don't understand like I just want to cry most of the time

first off i’m so sorry that this is even happening to you ;__; and you’re an amazing person for being willing to help out your aunt like that, so just know it isn’t your fault that you’re unable to. don’t guilt yourself for it okay? is there any other possible donor at all? i wanna know how this situation ends up. i really hope your aunt will be okay. just stay close to your family for support and don’t blame yourself.

how did you get photoshop for free? I'm trying to find a link that won't give me a virus, but I had no luck yet

the pirate bay is ur friend

Ok I gotta rant. GoT does NOT deserve the hype/amazing ratings. Like, sure the cinematography is pretty great and they have ok actors but the freaking script is so mediocre I actually think I could write a better one. Me. A 16 y/o tiny child. There are so much better shows out there! Hell, even Supernatural has a better script than GoT

whenever ppl agree with me about how much GoT sucks i grow stronger and stronger even the actors are iffy at this point. watching daenerys act is painful, jon snow is wooden as hell, it’s just bad. ur 16 yr old self has more potential than these writers tbh. it’s just completely mediocre; it started out as something great because it followed the same layered storytelling pattern as the books, but it’s diverged from that completely because the writers got too caught up in the hype. and you’re right, it doesn’t deserve that hype! omfdkjsgkj i’ve never watched supernatural but i haven’t heard good things. that’s a low bar

#nonsims #saviorhide #anonymous #sunny answers

[namjoonchronicles]

namj00nsweetie’s Timeline to Kpop, that no one asked.

Let’s go over, briefly from when I started this blog on Sept 4th, 2013, I came as redsneakerz ( i know, cringey af) Do you know why redsneakerz? Because I wanted to have a pair of red converse. Before stanning EXO, I was with SM artist (supporting numerous others)- I was there when  Super Junior, TVXQ, Girls Generation, SHINee debuted. TVXQ broke up in 2009 after the success of Mirotic. This tweet was made wayyyyy after, it happened.

I was heartbroken. My biases were Jaejoong and Changmin (if you’ve been following me, you’d know that I have multiple ultimate biases in one group), Changmin stayed, Jaejoong walked away. 3 out of 5 left. From then onwards, I decided to stop stanning any companies from SM. A lot of news saying that they don’t take care of their artists, and often they fell sick without seeking medical attentions. I hated SM. Absolutely despise the company. It was 2010, I sit for my CSAT. Throw away all kpop things for good, I hoped. 

I got good results. I was accepted to one-year matriculation, set to be in healthcare. 2011, 2012, I knew about EXO’s MAMA. Although I never know their names or who they were, that song was gripping. I only stanned that song, not the group. I knew they were new from SM, old wounds began to bleed again. I promised I won’t stan SM artists again. I didn’t. 

Royal College of Medicine, but I took pharmacy, 2013, BTS debuted, June 13th, 10 days before my birthday. Is this fate? They were from a small company, it’s going to be difficult for them. Talents, check. Skills, check. Looks, check. 

Amazing songs, a very woke song. My first MV and song from them was N.O., Jungkook’s vocal are amazing, he is the first one I saw, the scene where he is sitting on the desk in the class, with a bowl-haircut, so cute. I searched the lyrics and said, wow, this is what I was looking for, my whole life. I grew up in a typical ‘if you’re not a doctor, you’re not one of us’ Asian family, and this song was feeding my rebellious soul. I aim for the SKY, but when will we ever be satisfied?--N.O was amazing. I started stanning BTS. Didn’t bother to have twitter because I don’t know how to use it. (biggest mistake and regrets because I would have known a lot of ARMYs from there and won’t be so alone)

Continued supporting BTS, and EXO released Growl. I even wrote ‘Tainted’ because Kris and Luhan was my ults. I never finished, you’ll see why. Growl was a big success. Fast forward a few years, Overdose was still a good song, and then Kris left, and then Luhan, and... 2009 incident of TVXQ haunts me again. I wavered, I thought, how can I write about someone I no longer love? I left Tainted. Unfinished, abandoned. 2015, BTS released Converse High, I was elated. But. I was starting to fall for Chanyeol. BTS is still in my heart, but there wasn’t a lot of ARMY around me in tumblr, so it was difficult. I saw Vixx and realised that, that’s a good group too. Hence, I changed to ‘pcyeolkenthusiast’, notice there is PCY-Park Chanyeol and Vixx Ken in it? It was only then, my writings were noticed. I was wholeheartedly in love with both of them. Therefore, I dedicated my username to them. 

EXO took almost one year to make a comeback and when they did, they make it a bit to rashly. SM is to be blamed.  Lotto, hmm. Monster, OK. Love Me Right, erm. But I already kinda lost my enthusiasm when Call Me Baby happened. The songs lyrics by EXO were just meh to me. Like they put words into it so it matched. Fill in the blanks--kind of lyrical writing. Compared to Miracles in December, My Turn To Cry, etc. SM now, is all about catchiness, they have no intentions into putting soul into their song, those were what I was looking for. I multilingual so it saddens me when a potential group goes round and round, telling the fans, same thing, over and over again : to love them. 

And this is when I realise, EXO doesn’t feel rejected (sure they went through a harsh debut, right after TVXQ disbanded, they were the new group after SHINee), EXO had SM privilege. If you’ve been in Kpop for very long, you’ll know what I meant. But BTS had no one, no senior group to promote them, they done all the promos themselves, they had been through a LOT. There was a lot of things EXO had that BTS didn’t have, one of it, is freedom to speech. When Namjoon, Yoongi write songs, they spoke of real anxiety, fear of rejections, raw emotions goes in every word they chose, and I realised that I had been lying to myself. I was destined to be BTS, I am Yoongi’s age, so the songs he wrote was exceptionally brutal to me, especially Agust D. Namjoon’s Joke MV was something only I knew, deep within me. I have always felt like I don’t belong. 

So I go back to BTS everytime, because their song had meanings, there’s always something they were trying to convey and educate. Something that EXO wasn’t enough of. BTS fills me up wherever EXO couldn’t, and it was a lot, as the time goes by. And now recently, EXO came back with Kokobop and Power, both of which didn’t fit my taste, and I feel so betrayed, I don’t know how to say it. The MV from Power disappoints me so much that I was literally fighting my way through the end of it and say I won’t do my boys justice if I didn’t. I saw that MV once, and never came back to it. 

The last thing EXO needs are fans who blindly support them. And I’m not one of those fans, artists need criticism to grow, and if you think like they’ve not done wrong with the recent comeback, and excluding LAY from it, you’re wrong. 

A fan that criticises are not antis, their support goes beyond that. They are entitled to wanting their artists to grow as an artist, because they believe that this artists are able to progress. I sounded my opinion on Twitter as a pcyeolkenthusiast, I said what I think, I said Kokoweed and Power shit, it was harsh, I was in the spur of the moment, I absolutely hated it. But I did not refer EXO’s previous comebacks as a failure, but Power MV was the last straw of me as an EXO-L. And of course, another EXO-L disagrees with my rights of freedom of speech and giving a particularly loud opinion on her side, she further called me a ‘dumb fuck’ and told me to lose pcy in my username because EXO doesn’t deserve a fan like me. 

And I thought about it. I thought really hard. 

I can’t love someone who attracts such a fan. I can’t keep pretending. EXO new comeback didn’t do me justice, and I apologize if I offended anybody with this post. But I know EXO long before this fan ever did, so I felt disrespected and chose to walk away before any further damage is done. I whole-heartedly love EXO, but if this is what they planned after a long hiatus, no wonder Lay didn’t want to be a part of it. It was a step back for EXO. 

#me #about me #personal #text

[icharchivist]

Dear future self, if you one day get a text asking you if you’re up to work for a few hours in a restaurent to give a hand, and that you think you’re healthy enough to handle it, don’t listen to this thought, that’s the devil speaking.

Oh my god i’m so fucking dead and I think my body is trying to kill me.

So little recap of stuff there: about a month ago i was offered a job in my favorite tea shop, which also happen to be a restaurent. It’s my favorite place since ever and i’ve been a regular since it opened so i’m getting along with the boss quite enough for him to come at me while i was chilling in the shop and offering me a job.

But yours truly is a failure at everything in life. At first, I was motivated, I even had a meeting with him to discuss it, and it went amazingly well. But it was when I was struggling with my school subscriptions, and i couldn’t give him the times i would be available to work with, so he asked me to recontact him again in the following week once i knew my schedule.

.................. Except that I didn’t subscribe to my uni because there was a lot of administration problems. And at first I wanted to give up on it and focus on working, but my mom argued she’ll help me subscribe and that we’ll see for the job once it’s done.

...................... It was never done :))))

So here we are more than one month later, I never called the shop owner back. It’s nearby my home and I kept avoiding the place because I was ashamed.

but most importantly my mental health had been spiralling down to new lows lately so I wasn’t in an emotional mood to do any kind of work whatsoever. I started taking treatments and whatnot, but my mood was still a killer.

And I realized that maybe i wasn’t made for te job. If my blog fooled you, know that i’m a socially awkward french girl who doesn’t speak french correctly bc english comes out more easily, and that i’m unable to make a full sentence without stumbling on words in french. 

I can’t talk to people, and being around people is so much draining it kills me everytime. If i can survive an evening, i can’t survive a long period of time.

and that’s not to mention my body issues i completely disregarded tonight, that were holding me back for good reasons. Adding to my mental health being stumble, and which makes my heart hut (which in itself isn’t bad), I also have a scoliosis and a lumbar deformation, which makes my back be completel shamble as well. And of course, the now unfamous eczema on my hand, the beauty that was so bad I had to stop everything ever.

And yet. I somehow forgot about all of it when the boss texted me in panic because they were having ways too many people and not enough waitress, and that if i wanted to try out the job if i could, i should come.

And I thought. Y’know universe is kind that way. It’s already a  miracle at this day of time that you get offered a job rather than hunting for job, let alone in a place you like with people you get along with. And I thought I fucked my chance up by being a truly fucking failure in general with unability to deal with my life and with the shame of not dealing with it.

So that was a day like this, where despite fucking up so completely, i was given a chance to still work it out, a chance to do better.

.....................

Anyway I worked 5 hours on a busy night running around a tea shop. It was fun, the people there are fun, but I was completely overwhelmed by every conversation I had. Sometimes I thought I was handling it until some customers themselves told me that “everythig is okay” and i shouldn’t stress out, which is like. A bad sign when customers notice that. 

But the people I worked with were reall sweet, and always supportive. My boss refuses that I talk to him respectfully (y’know how we’re supposed to say “vous” in french for people with higher status than you, and “tu” for equals? Well i kept used “vous” and he looked at me telling me “you know after the revolution people were killed if they said “vous” because it meant they were royalist” and. Okay. Okay gotchu), but he’s incredible and he always has some anectdotes, especially on history to share.

(he asked about my interests at some point and i said amoung other things, video games, and he looked at me saying “i wouldn’t have thought you were a geek” and later he asked me if i did theater studies because he’d see me as an actress kind and i’m like??? what???? How? I don’t even manage to align two words pal.)

Also he also fed me and it was one of the best meal i’ve ever eaten?? he wanted to try it out to see if he could put it on the card and my dude. my pal. That was so freaking awesome. 

But y e in general it was fun, but the social awkwardness with the customers was really, really bad, even if they all tried to be kind with me. 

But ye the ultimate problem is that spending 5 hours running everywhere and doing the dishes fucking destroyed my body.

I can’t feel my legs anymore but that was to be expected. But I also can’t feel my back anymore to the point I almost collapsed during work because of how it blocked completely. Right now even I can’t feel it at all and I can barely move, this is bad.

And my eczema was... well... It was doing better eventually but it was havign some bad days lately bc i ‘ve been stressed out so my hand hurt. And I something thought that it’ll be okay to do the dishes with that shit.

As a result, I legit can’t move my middle fingers anymore, the eczema is acting up, and the skin opened at mutliple places on it, which made it a fucking nightmare with the soap.

(also ye it’s better to use gloves in my situation but guess who’s allergic to latex and can’t find any other material for dishes gloves that are actually useful?)

I’ve been back home and i’m fucking dying. My parents had kinda laughed it off saying it was the best sort of pain, but i really feel like dying right now. my parents also say i’ll get used to it, but while i think so for the legs, I really can’t believe it for my back and my hand and I think i’ll destroy myself if i do that.

And I hadn’t been going better mentally speaking, it was hard to keep up a smile during the evening, it was hard in general.

But physically? It’s like my body is screaming at me to give up.

I’m honestly torn about what to do because the owner will call me back soon at least to pay me for tonight, and I don’t know if i can seriously keep it up. If i should try and hope i’ll get used, or listening to the fact i’m not healthy enough to do any of this.

And bleh in the end again it feels again like a reminder that i got fucked over by life in general and that now I can’t move on without having to bear the consequences. 

so ye i’ll probably blog a bit and crash, it’s 2:30am now and I came back home only half a hour ago, i’m soo goddamn exhausted.

Anyway at least I tried. A big hourray for me.

#ichapersonal #slice of life and health issue under the cut yay

[rishyabaney]

I'm proud of myself

So... Idk y I'm making this post... But here goes nothing... Tl/dr at the end..

So, flashback a few months and you would have probably seen me hiding from the world in my room. At the time, I felt as if the world was too much and in a way, I was able to relate to all those pics about how 'the world is scary as an adult, and thus I wanna be a kid again'.

I was in college studying econs, a new language (French), and 2 psy subjects l, in which one of them was driving me mad. I would now say it was just due to the way I overthinked my assignments, coursework and tests, and how I mismanaged my time due to finding everything burdening and thus pushing it aside to deal with them when I'm ready, and guess what?

I never allocated time for them. And so they piled up and I panicked until one day, I was running late for one of my classes. My mom was yelling at me, I was trying to put on my pants, and it just happened. I knew how to get away from it all. I would just drop out.

It seemed so simple. Just stay in my room and don't open the door. Then it would all somehow magically go away. So, I stopped yelling back at my mom to inform her that I'm coming. I shut my door, locked it, took of my clothes, and just laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling as my room got brighter as it was in the morning.

And then the hell ensued. You see, I have done this all before, skip a few classes and what not. But that was in school, which is kinda free in my country. But this is college. My parents worked so hard to ensure we had the money to go to uni and this is what I'm doing. And yes, I was a very spoilt brat.

My mom first started to make sure that I really know how much $$ I'm pouring down the drain. Then she called my dad, who said this may only happen for 1 day as he knew last night I was awake on my laptop (I was watching code geass.. Although I do remember watching it when I was a child... So I guess it's rewatching), so I would have been tired (which I was... So this could be one of the reasons)

You see, while I did say this may have a way I "escape from it all", at the time, my plan was to skip a few days of uni and catch up. Which certainly wasn't the case. So like old times sake, everytime I went down, I got my usual lecture on how I'm wasting my life (told in a sad tone), how others are working so hard to try and get a life as good as mine (told in a frustrated tone), and how my "friends" were missing me (which I don't even have... Wut??), by my mother.

But the real kicker is that I just did not catch up at all. I just thought I'll do it later. And again, that never happened. After 3 days, which was the normal amount of days I would skip continuously, my mom kinda realise that I ain't gonna head beck to uni.

So, I don't really remember the sequence of events, but it went a little something like this.

1) my mom called up the uni to try and figure out what happened (like if there was bullying or anything... Idk... I didn't even know she called until later on)

2) my mom started to find if there is a place she can dump my sorry ass at (I think I'll elaborate on this topic later on)

3) she started to see if she can block only my electronics from the house wifi (cos the in Internet is always the root cause of all "youth deviance"

4) "pled" with me/tell me how she hates me for doing this

5) everyone branding me a freeloader

6) stop letting me have any food/eating up all the leftovers so I would not have anything to eat anymore if I sneak downstairs to eat late at night when they are asleep

7) keep reminding me about how my parents won't live long (they are very old and both have health conditions which have also been passed down onto me and my sister [.. Yay])

So, you may say this is normal for family to do this to guide you back to go to uni. But not for me. I still do not know the rules in Malaysia and if how my parents were planning to boot me out was legal. But they were getting there alright. Now at the beginning of last year, I got my phone replaced with a new one, and this new phone already had Instagram downloaded. So I started to go back into Instagram. I would post regularly and such (like the post underneath this is).

But during this time, I felt so ashamed that I decided to hide the fact that I have stopped going to uni from my school friends. I only posted food related pics such as the one from deepavalli. I even deleted the posting I made about the invitation I got to go to a ceremony (?) for getting on the deans list during my 2nd semester (I'll elaborate on this topic later).

But after some time, I kinda got uses to it. My mom gave me a deadline that if I did not continue next sam (the sam that has just passed), she was kicking me out. I started to find places to stay and work opportunities. And that was when it kicked in. There isn't really any good future of you don't have at least a degree in Malaysia. Like you can barely find anything. Many jobs that pay less are often given to kids who are still in school for a part time job, or they don't pay enough for you to survive if you are to live on your own, till you would need to get a few part time jobs, or go to the dark side (underground stuff... Something that idk how to get to). So basically I'm screwed.

And then a few days later, I found a song back fom the mid 2000's. It was a song about a child dying (the song is called "Terlalu Istimewa"). It just got me thi King about how everyone's gonna go, and throughout my parents last few years, do I really want them to have to wonder what is going to happen to their failure of a daughter? I went to my parents bedroom when my mom was in it alone, and I told her the golden words she was wanting to hear for some time (I forgot what exactly I said though).

"I think I'll go back to uni"

Of course I knew what all is gonna happen. At the time I thought my grades were gonna be flopped as I definitely f'ing failed. But to my surprise, my mom said that she will call in and see when we can see the head of my course. She said they already prepared for this and that it is all going to be well.

Remember when I said my mom wanted to send me somewhere. This is where the truth is unfolded. So I was diagnosed with asperger's syndrome when I was 13 in 2012. She had sent me to a home for 2 months when I did a similar shenanigan in 2015. But it costed my family a lot so they brought me back home. Till this day I still do not quite comprehend what my syndrome is (eventhough I'm majoring in bloody psychology), and how I was diagnosed with it.

So why is this important, you may ask. Because I was literally DYING when she told me that she had "explained" to the lecturer (the head of the department is also my lecturer... And I'm getting her again next semester). I just wanted a metroid to hit earth and kill me. I don't like it when people say "oh this person has something wrong with them" and etc. I feel as if they look down on me (but not y'all on Tumblr as you dont see me in real life). When I registered to join my uni, I specifically told my mom to never, ever mention about it. In fact, I found it quite hilarious that someone like me is studying psychology.

But the fact that she has told that made me so scared. I just wanted to hide under my blankets for the rest of existence. But then again, I'm gonna turn 20 soon, so I better act my age (this year I'm turning 20... All this time I felt as if if I still had a 1 in front of my age, I was still young... But I'm now gonna turn 20, a quarter of the average human life expectancy is over 😭😭😭).

So I went in the next day and got found out that mom was ready for my lil' shitty "tantrum" and stopped me 1/2 way, so she dropped me out of the subjects instead of making me fail them for not finishing my assignments and such. She also got back some of the tuition fees. My lecturer did not judge me that much (but let's see this coming semester), and I did not bump into my group mates (we have a lot of group assignments... So yeah... I let the down a lot).

So now that all of that is out of the way, you may be wondering what happened this sam. Well, let's say I was really bloody scared during the first few days as I thought I was going to bump into my old group mates and such. That was not the case of course. Other than the librarian exclaiming that I skipped 1/2 the sam out loud to a few kids, nothing else happened. I retook the psychology subject that gave me a hard time last sam, rekindled a few friendships that drifted apart due to time, and kinda mended back my relationship with my mom.

Some of my group mates this year seemed a little tough to deal with, but hey, it ain't a group project without someone (or in my case, some people) slacking off. I had to do some spoonfeeding to some of my group mates eventhough I too was lost at some parts, but I can vow that when people say teaching others help you comprehend the topic better, it is true but can only be done if you have patience and good blood pressure.

But of course there were also some stuff that ticked me off. I would often claim myself to be a lazy, procrastinating perfectionist. This is because I'm very lazy and I always want to show the best, I mean who doesn't. So when it came to the deans list this that was mentioned earlier, I wanted to go. But for my 3rd sam, I got out of the deans list for not maintaining my cgpa. In fact I only got in due to getting a 3.52 for my cgpa (to get in you need a 3.5), so I was already ashamed for that. I did not feel as if I was worthy of it I guess. So when I came back this sam, I was determined to get back in.

But as things got tough and I say the nice GPA slipping away from me with every orang and red grade I got (not godd grades to get), I felt myself returning back tk my old ways. Sleeping late doing nothing. There was even a lime in which I skipped a class, but I lied and told mom it was cancelled. She bought the lie as usual. It was at that moment I realised that many other uni students were like me. You can see that the new students always aim for high grades but the seniors just aim to pass the subjects. I know that is a crappy attitude to have, but my sister was also able to graduate just be receiving the passing grades all the way. I realised that this is the way we need to be in order to survive. And it is not wrong.

I know if my mom were to hear me say this she would be disappointed and I k ow many of you would be saying "you need to be the best person you can be" etc. But honestly if it means breaking down like that again, then no. I do not wanna make other people worry about me and such if it means I can't always be the best so be it. If it means I would not need to always be worrying if the way my sentence could be better and such instead of "having fun" etc, then yes, I would gladly give it all up. Honestly, I feel as if going to uni has made me a different person. I felt so self-conscious and it made me feel like shit.

But I guess what I'm trying to convey is that if you feel like the world is too burdening, don't f'ing kill yourself (like some weirdos tell you to on Tumblr [srsly, you would rather get rid of porn instead of the real cancerous negative on this platform... I see that your priorities are as straight as ever Tumblr]). Instead try to find something to inspire you, or maybe if you are not a bloody social pariah like me, you may find friend to support you. And always remember, there are others who have it worst that you. So STOP BEING A F'ING CRYBABY, GET OUT FROM UNDERNEATH YOUR BLOODY COMFORTERS, AND REJOIN THE REAL World. Cos guess what, no one is gonna spoonfeed you and take care of you till the bloody end. You need to stand up for yourself cos this world is a disgusting and cruel place.

Tl/dr: I stopped going to uni, found some inspiration to go back. Then things got tough again, I stopped caring, bacame a husk of who I turned into since entering the competitive world of uni, and now I have found happiness.

#rbg90g #@rbg90g #self motivation #motivation #motivating quotes #nevergiveup #never quit #cheer up #be more chill #chill #chillout #perfectionist #stop being a perfectionist #reality #reality check #realization #crybaby #spoilt brat #confession

[batdarkpeach]

Essential weight-loss tips

1. Eat at least 5 small meals a day. I know you’re probably tired of reading this already, but I know that a lot of you don’t do it and you can’t imagine how easy can it get thanks to this simple tip. 

2. Drink 2-3 glasses of water BEFORE any meal + at least another 2 while eating. It will make you feel fuller so you won’t eat too much. 

3. Establish a bite-chew-stop-drink pattern while you’re eating. For example, I take a bite, chew it at least 25 times, then I stop before another bite, and do the same. After taking 3-4 bites, I drink some water and then repeat the same whole process. 

4. Plan on advance what you’re gonna eat that day. That will prevent you from binging. 

5. Drink tea after any meal. It will help you to digest and control your hunger.I take like 4-5 coups every day and it totally works to me. Besides, green tea helps to loose weight. 

6. Don’t starve yourself. I know it kinda makes sense to just simply “stop eating” in order to loose weight, but trust me, you’re not getting the right results that way. The less you eat, the more your body will resist to “let go” that fat (I’m a med student, so trust me). I’d recommend you to not eat less than 850cal, depending on your activity level. A perfect amount would be 1000-1200cal though. 

7. Exercise!!!!. Ok, this one is probably the MOST effective one of this list. I know most of you are really busy, as I am, but you must find time. In my case, I wake up earlier (5 am) or exercise even more on weekends if I didn’t manage to do my weekly routine quite as expected. It doesn’t need to be everyday, 3-4 days a week is enough and you can’t imagine what a difference it can make just in a few days. I can tell by own experience. I’m sorry to say this, but dieting isn’t enough. Besides, it may be hard at first, but once you start working out on a daily basis, you’ll feel so good you kinda become addicted to it! haha If you need help choosing a work out or whatever, just msg me and we will see what we can do ^^ 

8. Believe in yourself. A key one here. I’ve been struggling with binge eating disorder for almost half a year now. I winded up believing it was just impossible for me to comeback to my own self again. I felt disgusted, depressed and hated myself for not being able to control my own actions. I felt a completely failure and I really believed that I simply was meant to be a fat pig my whole life. WRONG. I was wrong, as you are. Your body belongs to you. And only to you. YOU’ve got the power to do whatever you want. You just need the will and the guts. You know how I got to control myself bit by bit? I redirected my frustration and anger towards my actions. When I caught myself trying to binge, I slapped myself, and told me “You’ve got the control! Do you really wanna eat this? Are you hungry?” And when the answer was obviously no, I said “Then if you take that you’re gonna regret it. You’re gonna hate yourself more and more. You’re gonna consume yourself in that infinite cycle you’ve been caught till now”. That scared me so much. So I stopped, breathed in, listened empowering music, looked at thinspo, drank water, and when I was totally under control again, I came back to whatever I was doing. It just takes 10min. When you successfully do it once, the second one gets easier, since you’ve SEEN you’re able to do it indeed. You will eventually trust on yourself and your self-control will be unstoppable. 

So please, believe in yourself. When you’re about to binge, stop, close your eyes and repeat “I can stop right now. No one is forcing me to eat it but myself. And I CAN control myself. So I’m gonna leave the kitchen and do something else because I’m simply bored” 

I’m not saying “STOP EATING” though. I’m talking about emotional hunger here. If you feel hungry then just go ahead and listen to your body, still keeping in mind the tips I mentioned before. BUT you gotta learn to distinguish emotional hunger and real hunger, okay? If you’ve got any problems with this, you can contact me and I’ll help you as much as I possibly can.

9. Again, it will turn easier and easier everytime you say “No” and force yourself to exercise. Trust me, I never imagined I was able to have such a discipline and keep in track and exercise on a daily basis, since I’m lazy af. But you see, once your body gets used to it, it won’t be a bother anymore.  

10. Even if you fail once, or twice or even more...don’t give up!!!!! No matter what, just don’t give up. If you need motivation or need a nice talk to feel empowered again, you can count on me. Sometimes we just need a little push to keep going, and that’s totally ok. Failing is part of sucess. The important thing is getting up again and keeping going. Yeah, you will go slowly, but does it matter as long as you arrive? 

Now I’d like to apologize for any mistakes, since my mother tongue isn’t English... haha 

Good luck everyone! <3 

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