aperfectporpoise

[aperfectporpoise]

Writing Excerpt from my Novel

She has never been a fan of school in Casanoblanca. It acted as a rough reminder that she didn't fit in with the others. Back home school was fun. There, everyone spoke the same language, ate the same food and did the same things. Back then she felt connected to others. When she'd arrived to Casanoblanca, her peers were mean. They made fun of her broken speaking, her clothes, her accent, her hair. Everything about her was wrong to them so she learned to withdraw into herself like a snail. 

Her hard shell exterior made it impossible to be ridiculed again. So now she remains a loner. Her father has tried to not so subtly match her with other girls her age before. When they first moved after he remarried he would invite his work friends along with their daughters to dinner. His plans never worked though. Her standoffish nature proved to scare off any potential playmates. Eventually he gave up trying to set her up after it proved fruitless.

Thus, she tended to live a lonely existence outside of time she spent with her step sister, Awa. The young girl was so persistently looking for her attention when they'd first started living together that she had acquiesced to the girl's desire for a friend. No friends at school meant that she would often skip. It had become a routine for her at this point. 

However when she is caught and the school contacts her parents, there is always hell to pay in the form of her father screaming at her about how disappointed he is. But then again her father is typically disappointed in her so there's nothing new to that story. She doesn't even fight back a majority of the time and just takes his raging impassively. 

If she's having a particularly bad day or if he's struck a nerve, she'll put up a fight, giving him a taste of his own medicine. She finds that they are alike in their rage, but that's the only similarity she's been able to gleam. Those face offs between the two of them usually end with them red in the face and refusing to be near one another. Cuifen will skip meals and her father makes a concerted effort to leave a room when she's entered. They may not agree on a lot, but they do share what Ezekiel likes to call the pettiness gene. Their petty antics continue, neither willing to admit fault until Ezekiel steps in to mediate their disputes. Of course there isn't much Ezekiel can do if they don't admit defeat thus, they still are never able to wrap up conflict cleanly and it lays unresolved until their next big blow up.

She makes her way to the catacomb entrance in the fourth floor girls bathroom and successfully triggers the door by pulling down a lamplight on the wall. In she goes with no eyes on her, starting her trek through the dark tunnel lit only with a lighter she had in her pocket. She finds the door to the outside with no fuss, pushing open a hatch revealing a bright yellowy sun. 

She makes it out of the secret passageway and has once again escaped school. Today is a beautiful day so she decides to hang out in the forest behind her school. Too many people would recognize her face in the city and alert her father. It's happened before and now roaming in the city makes her slightly paranoid. She wants today to be about relaxing, so she heads deeper in the woods knowing she won't have to look over her shoulder there.

She goes deeper and deeper until her castle-esque school can't be seen behind the thick trunks of the trees in the crowded forest. She throws her bag down on a sunny patch of grass nearby up against the lawn and plops down. Cuifen pulls out her lunch packed by the family chef, Lupe. Out of the bag wafted an aroma of steamed pork buns. Sometime during her first year here Lupe had noticed she didn't really enjoy the Casablancan dishes so she learned to make dishes from her homeland. Her first attempt didn't taste quite like the ones she used to eat, but the gesture made her so overwhelmed that she almost burst into tears of joy. 

She only ate Villustrinian food when her father bought it from restaurants or vendors in town. Now Lupe made it available for dinner at least once a week and she'd of course gotten better and better at it over time so it soon started to taste close to what her mother used to make. Eating the pork and cabbage filled buns relaxed her so much that she had fell asleep.

When she awoke again the sun was beginning to set. She stretched slightly and opened her eyes only to see blue forget me nots blooming in bunches all around her body. She cursed under breath, it had happened again. Flowers and plants seemed to grow wildly around her even more than usual now. It had started happening ever since she emigrated when her father remarried. She still remembers having to explain what happened to her tulips that Ezekiel purchased for her 12th birthday. Overnight they grew in a tangled mess that she had to cut up and throw away frantically before anyone else woke up. When he'd noticed the flowers were missing she'd fibbed that she was allergic. Of course her father hadn't believed her though and gave her an earful when they were alone to spare Ezekiel's feelings. 

In the last year it had gotten worse, it used to happen more frequently when she touched plants. Though now she only had to be near plants for them to act so weirdly so she claimed she was allergic to plants and made sure her father saw her have an allergic reaction just to keep him off her back. The phenomenon made her stomach churn sometimes. She loved to use flowers, being in the garden with her mother was a safe place and now it became somewhere she had to avoid. She knew what the flowers meant. Somehow she had become a witch, that would be the only explanation for the phenomenon . It didn't make any sense. No one in her family was a witch, as far as she knew. Everyone is so terrified of witches that it's not like people are proudly screaming that there is witch blood in their families. Her father would lie to her about something like this, that is if he even knew himself.

She isn't sure what to do about it. Just the thought of anyone finding out was enough to make her panic. Her parents weren't witch hating extremists, but she just didn’t want them to look at her differently. She doubted they would turn her in, but anyone her parents knew would. People were rewarded for handing in witches. Those who turned them in were given money and heralded as heros. Their names were often plastered on tv with big grins alongside the faces of their victims. The practice disgusted her and luckily it also did the same to her parents. Ezekiel was one of the only politicians in power who proposed any kind of witch protection legislation. She almost trusted Ezekiel with her secret more than her own father. At least he wouldn’t blame her for being a witch.

#exerpts from a book i'll write someday #writer #my writing #writblr #writer on tumblr #writerslife

[aperfectporpoise]

The Girl with the Hole in her Heart

She lived to serve others not herslef. The only thing she felt she could do for herself was to die. That was the thought that contaminated her mind. It started as a seed while young. Then it began to germinate, being sprinkled with water as the hole in her heart grew bigger. It grew even more as life rained down on the girl. It rained so hard, she could not find cover. Finally the seedling had bloomed, fully formed into a plant with a bloom and thorns so sharp that they could draw blood. It was her blood they were drawing, weakening her. It made it easy for the hole to grow larger.

#my writing #writing #writblr #writer on tumblr #writerslife #excerpt from a book i'll someday write #women #trauma

[aperfectporpoise]

Insecurity

Insecurity makes you think crazy things

That someone hates you when they don’t

That side eye being malicious

Not simply cursory

It makes a body feel lonely

But I suppose I haven’t earned friendships just yet

I’m probably not being noticed

But that makes me sad too

Like maybe I’m just nothing

But I think I’m ruminating

Internalizing

Over analyzing

things that don’t really matter anyways

#insecurity #writers on tumblr #writer #my poems #poemsbyme #writeblr

[aperfectporpoise]

S.U.I.C.I.D.E

Such sorrow fills me to the brim

Until I commit this sin

Inside I'm falling further down

Control is what I'm losing, woe pulls my strings now

It just won't leave me alone

"Don't do it" they cry, but I can't take it anymore

Escape is my only option now so I don't suffer defeat again

#potentially triggering #my writing #writers on tumblr #my poems #poem #poemsbyme #writblr #writer

[aperfectporpoise]

My Girl

Daydream air

The smell of her hair

With the sun above as my witness

This is the girl I love

Her eyes like coal light up her face

Her skin clay soft

With a blue black tone

Dew droplets gleam

As we sit in the early morning mist

Chatting, thinking about times we both miss

#her #my writing #my poems #summer #daydreams #writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr

[aperfectporpoise]

Mocking Flames

Her eyes teared as she sat by the fireplace. A great melancholy hung in her black as coal eyes. Those eyes bore into the lit fireplace as if she was silently telling it to put itself out. She glared at the damned orange and red flickers that danced happily about as if mocking her own gloomy state. The flames reminded her of her own happiness  that was so far gone. Though, she supposed it was better off that way anyhow, bringing those thoughts to the light would only torture her further and no doubt make the mocking flames grow higher. Those particular memories mentioned are long gone and buried. She forced them away years ago locking them away  in her heart with padded lock and scattered keys. Many people would try their best to find the keys and unlock her tightly wound heart, but as always things remained the same. They’d try, but a few days later they would have had enough of her knife like tongue cutting through their souls. Then they would leave her, making sure to scream that she was a miserable hag on their way out the door. It didn’t make a difference though she was destined to spend the rest of her dull existence in that room only dimly lit by a fire all alone. Just her and those mocking flames for all eternity.

#writers on tumblr #my writing #writeblr #writerslife #writer

[aperfectporpoise]

RS

Weekly Young Justice episodes are keeping me going tbh.

#yj #young justice #i feel called out

[aperfectporpoise]

😌I look forward to these every year!!!

GHOST CASTLE

#ghost choir #halloween #love this sm

[aperfectporpoise]

I'm Okay

Brain on fire

Throat has smoke

Can’t even croak

The words are jumbled in my mind

The trouble is finding them

Stringing it together

It gets harder to do that in cloudy weather

For now i still cant speak

Not even a peep

There’s too much going on

Or maybe nothing at all

Does life matter

Is it worth it

My answer varies with the days

Sometimes it’s hard to

Even stay

In the present

To stop

Take in the scene

To taste the food

Not inhale

To smell drops of morning dew

Not breeze by it

To slow down

To get the words out

So I can shout

That I’m on my way

To being okay

#im ok im fine #my writing #writer #writers on tumblr #learning to be present #poemsbyme #writblr

[aperfectporpoise]

What I can't say to you

Do you hate me

I think you do

Is it because I reflect you

Do you see you when you look at me

Is that scary

Is that why you can’t love me

Do you not love yourself

Were you left unloved

Is that why you made me feel unloved

The cycle can stop here

Nothing was wrong with me

You couldn’t like or love yourself

I see that now

That it wasn’t me

It wasn’t my fault

So yes I still hate you

for now at least…

But there’s more for me to understand

More for me to see

I know what it feels like to be unloved

That’s why I can see you and understand you so clearly

I feel you more dearly

There’s more sympathy now

More room for you

In my heart

although you have none for me

#what i learned #writer #my writing #writers on tumblr #poemsbyme #writeblr #my feelings

[aperfectporpoise]

Stranger

I am a stranger to my feelings

They perplex me and twist me til I’m dry

Til I have nothing left

The stranger feeds off me

And I’m left a hollow shell of my former self

I’m left there like a fish with water

Feeling life slowly drain away

And I can’t stop it

Tide can’t reach me

Or relieve me

#ocean #stranger #feelings #poetry #my poems #my writing

[aperfectporpoise]

Shame

My shame could fill a bucket

No wait maybe even the entire sea

It’s hidden so no one can see

It leaves little cuts on the inside

Makes me like a fruit rotting from the inside out

No one can tell but me

My body aches

And creaks

Trying to tell me that the pain wants release

But of course shame is hard to communicate

My body may protest against the spilling of my guts

But my brain figures there’s no way I’d be able to put them back in

I’m scared that it will kill me no matter which I choose

I’m aware that I’ve chosen a coward death

and have doomed myself to die thousands of times

But I’m not sure how to be brave

How to let go

Or breathe

I’m sure I’ll figure it out somehow

Somedays I get close

But the shame finds a way to slither back within me

One day soon it will happen

But I wonder if it’ll come too late

Will it be when I’m ready

Or are you never ready

#shame #physical #self love #Don't know when ill be ready #my writing #my poem #writeblr #death #fear

[aperfectporpoise]

Take a Break

They say to take a break

Before I cheat on my wife

Like Hamilton did Eliza

I won’t cheat on my wife

I don’t even have one

I’m not Alexander Hamilton

The resemblance lies in our ethic

Nothing more

But maybe it’s a lesson to me

To let things lay where they be

To not overwork

Or strive so high

For perfection

Yes have goals, yes reach far

But don’t overextend yourself over a star

#writers on tumblr #my poems #hamilton #take a break #take a breath #workaholics #stop and smell the flowers #writeblr

[aperfectporpoise]

I need more writeblrs to follow!

with so many people leaving tumblr for other platforms, my dash has gone pretty dead and i’m having a lot of trouble finding content to reblog. 

reblog this if you:

are primarily a writing blog

are a book blog

post writing resources

post writing tips

post about your own stories/ocs/etc.

[aperfectporpoise]

Death Chuckled as I Offered my Soul

Quill to the page and I’m still

What will I do to fill

that pit

how will I light that stove

the one burrowed in my chest

a match perhaps

no, hm ok  

then maybe a drink

wrong again it seems

some sugar then

no, alright not that either

“a soul” I hear someone whisper

ah yes a soul

a thought I’d never encountered

“You mean my soul” I respond back

Death chuckles affirmatively in response

#death #death chuckle #poetry #my poems #late night poems #a soul

[aperfectporpoise]

Brain on fire

Throat has smoke

Can’t even croak

The words are jumbled in my mind

The trouble is finding them

Stringing it together

It gets harder to do that in cloudy weather

For now i still cant speak

Not even a peep

There’s too much going on

Or maybe nothing at all

Does life matter

Is it worth it

My answer varies with day

Sometimes it’s hard to

Even stay

In the present

To stop and take in the scene

To taste the food

Not inhale

to smell drops of morning dew

Not breeze by it

To slow down

To get the words out

So I can shout

That I’m on my way

To being okay

#my poems #braindump #writeblr #writer #brain on fire #life #poemsbyme

[aperfectporpoise]

Beware the trees

*This was inspired by a movie I watched on Amazon prime*

There's something in the trees

it wraps itself around you

it starts to squeeze

Then you wheeze

you fall to the ground

frozen in place

still in it's deadly embrace

it relinquishes hold

but now your dead

your life is now on it's head

counted as one of its victims

It stalks at night

so beware of the might

And stay away from the trees at night

#beware #beware the trees #trees #poemsbyme #writers on tumblr #writeblr #my writing