badbacksadsack

[badbacksadsack]

wow I’m so astonished sometimes at the things I write and don’t remember, I’m eternally grateful to every version of myself that got me to the present day. thank you thank you thank you

I’m grateful to have a safe space and life and joy today. I woke up, albeit slightly tired because I was in waiting mode for the shop that I ordered between 11 and 3 but I did everything I set out to do. I have food, and toilet roll and just my basics sorted. I am happy I did another task at the same time as waiting so i could focus my energy and attention somewhere else. I managed to make some yellow dettol floor water which smells lovely and did the bathroom and corridor. I would like to eat breakfast and hoover today and enjoy some rest based living. Not let the noises of the day overstimulate me but be in control of what I am in control of, like my breathing, saying positive affirmations to myself when I need to, being gentle and loving because I need that loving compassion to feel like I have the energy to keep being resilient. I am about to come onto my period this week which is okay as it is completely natural, my body is doing great and handling everything I need her to🥹 I love how intentional I’m being with my peace lately, I don’t think I would have the peace I do had I been choosing to focus my time and energy completely on my previous unstable relationship, going through the rollercoaster motions. I love that I am choosing me, my peace, my stability and my future over fake love (performative romance), shallow attention and surface connection. I can be happy again I just have to keep letting go of the heavy baggage I carry, it’s a choice to be burdened with not loving self in a world that profits off having low self esteem. I love my reassuring smile, my perfectly human being body, I love my inner strength and resilience, I love my hair and my skin, I love how black I am all over, I love how much creativity and joy radiates all over my community all over the world. I know hate has been taught so it can be unlearned, I know the answer is love. I want to pause in kindness and to give the benefit of the doubt, because that’s how I want to behave, treat others and be received. I choose joy and choose me. I love myself and I know I have to be gentle setting and respecting my own boundaries, so I feel comfortable to set them with others and accept that everyone needs healthy boundaries to thrive. I’m getting out of survival mode, I have everything I need alhamdulilah from food to cleaning supplies to kitchen roll reserves to toiletries. I am grateful that I have everything I need and even when I don’t, I know I have the capacity to keep myself safe and nourished. I’m grateful to be here, praise be to the most high.

#loner #dysphoria #isolation #executive dysfunction #low self-esteem #isolated #anxious avoidant #self deprecation #thank you #thankful

[badbacksadsack]

I want to give myself my energy as I deserve it and have been needing it for a Long time. I have been resenting giving energy and time to people who can’t reciprocate it back but it’s my responsibility to love myself first and then divide the effort I have left to others with some to spare for my own reserves. I have freed my family and ex from obligation to believing me, understanding me or even spending time, we are not obligated to others and that includes me too. I’m learning how to love me whatever the weather. Take care of self, water my garden because I deserve it.

#loner #dysphoria #self deprecation #isolation #executive dysfunction #low self-esteem #mental health #depresso #anxious avoidant #isolated #actually depressed

[badbacksadsack]

This has been a year of compassion and holding space. I’ve been creating safety for myself more than ever before. Honestly I don’t think I never knew what that actually looked like. I’ve really been reclaiming my time and proper easing myself back into posting online. It’s been a whirlwind couple of years and I’m sure many people get it. I learnt so many life lessons in the last few years, ones I welcome and some rather unpleasant ones too. However I’m rediscovering who I am as a person and working on loving every part, I’m allowing me to express myself artistically for the first time ever. I’m learning so much about showing up for myself and not internalising the non constructive criticism  that is so easily put on us in the world. If I’m honest, I’m grateful I lost so much in the pandemic. Not to get too deep into it but after coming out, I thought I lost everything. My home, contact with my family, that almost scripted bin bags on the doorstep with nowhere to go. No plan for how I was going to take care of myself or who I could even tell without causing more drama. After that day I’ve come to realise my home is not a pile of bricks, it’s wherever I am. I am at home and safe with me. Sometimes it’s the environment that’s toxic, and you need to leave with your head held high to heal. So with the support of my best friend who I can’t thank enough (and some LGBTQIA+ charities who went hard for ya boi) today I emerge - crystallised like a glamazon bitch on the runway✨ - stronger and more resilient than I’ve ever known. I am finally getting to live, proudly out, free and standing on my own two feet - undefined by my past and excited about my future. My contact with my family is a journey but it’s improving and I’m grateful for the progress. Overall I’m just grateful that I have the freedom to live how I want to, loudly, unlike my queer family members around the world so yeah I really appreciate that I can be safe, honest, and vulnerable about who I am because that’s all I ever needed. Please don’t read this and be sad for me, I actually feel that if I hadn’t enduring what I did, I would never have discovered the tools and self motivation that I needed to survive and now thrive. I know now that I was born to be an artist, that I’ve always been black, queer, artistic and neurodivergent I just needed to find that release for all the feelings that can’t be put into words. I am finally expressing myself in the ways I always wanted to after a long period of silence. I am giving myself the permission to take up space and take care of myself however I need to. Rest is radical like the legendary Audre Lorde said “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare”

#loner #dysphoria #self deprecation #isolation #executive dysfunction #low self-esteem #mental health #depresso #anxious avoidant #isolated #actually bpd #bpd vent #positive mental attitude

[badbacksadsack]

[badbacksadsack]

It feels like my inner child is reacting to realising that people aren’t bad or good and I am not good or bad it is neutral, perspective is everything. I radically accept that I didn’t know what was triggering me in my previous relationship. I accept that I am learning from my experiences and I am growing and progressing past my wildest dreams. My sense of self is expanding and encompassing all the new things I have learned about myself and I am seeing and hearing myself clearly for the first time in my life, outside of my head and body. outside my tangled web of thoughts I am finding coherent, funny, kind, curious, creative and beautiful ways of being myself authentically. Recognising that I have wants and needs, and that I can meet them with time and reflection. My goal is to keep seeing my reactions as teachers as to what I’m feeling, thinking, believing about situations to make me react and behave in the present moment. I accept that my life is in my hands and I have the power to keep picking myself up and dusting myself off. I have the power to gently remind myself that I have got it. I have got myself, I have everything I need, I am abundant and joyful and I release the narratives and anxiety that doesn’t serve me. I let go of the negativity and choose to disconnect when I feel unsafe. I am peaceful and free. I AM PEACEFUL AND FREE🥳💖🌈🥰🫶

#loner #dysphoria #self deprecation #isolation #executive dysfunction #low self-esteem #isolated #anxious avoidant #actually bpd #recovery #mental health

[badbacksadsack]

i don't mean to brag, but my tumblr posts are enjoyed by well over 4 people worldwide.

[badbacksadsack]

I’m feeling slightly overwhelmed but I am compassionate for what I am experiencing. I want to pause to really recognise how I feel. I’m having an emotional experience and it’s manifesting in my chest feeling heavy, my heart is beating faster, my face is warm. I am resting and recharging before going for a trip to collect some food waste later for myself and the community. I enjoy feeling like I am using my time for something positive to make positive change in my life and also to distract me and get me out of the house. I feel like I’m used to not really pausing or reflecting on how I feel because it was never modelled to me. I know now that feelings are a natural and normal part of humans and we have to work with ourselves (and others at times) to really understand what is happening inside. I always felt rushed, from childhood until adulthood. And now I feel I am rushing myself rather than realising that nothing happens in my life until I am ready to do that thing. I am in control of my day, and my life. I am strength in silence, I am minding my own business and tending to my own wounds and healing in peace. In peace. I want peace more than anything, I wasn’t finding it in the dunya, my previous situation was just something human and fallible. Prone to making mistakes. I forgive myself and those who have hurt me for me, including myself and kieren and my mum and my sister and my brother and my uncle and my grandmother and my father (and jc and mia) because I want peace in my life. I am grateful to those experiences as much as they did hurt, they also taught me valuable lessons about myself, kindness, openness, vulnerability and immense strength that I witnessed myself show in the face of absolute disrespect. I know I can no longer rationalise being hurt in order to feel loved or seen. I cannot explain to my inner child why I am not being the beautiful peaceful adult protector of my dreams. I don’t want to meet people on their frequency, if their vibration isn’t at my own I can respectfully distance myself and keep my light, joy and happiness safe and nourished. I want to focus only on myself, comparison really is the thief of joy and only gratitude brings perspective and real meaning to my life experience. Over the last weeks, I’ve been going on more walks, talking about my feelings more (journalling and verbally), being around a piece of nature I’m looking after and I’m really proud of how I am lifting myself up from the past dust and moving on with my head held high. I forgive myself, I did what I did because I felt I had that behaviour in the suitcase. I’m working on putting down, then carefully unpacking that messy unhealthy tangled suitcase so I can work through it and heal. Some wounds are better left untouched for now and only after building a self care routine and more internal strength I will be able to fathom what happens but for now - I’m focusing on my queer black femme masc gender neutral journey and accepting myself on the inside because what’s on the outside literally does not matter. We are not our bodies, or our weight, or our hair colour, or genitalia. I am not for others consumption, I exist to make myself feel safe and peaceful so I can finally live my life in the sunshine✨

#loner #dysphoria #self deprecation #isolation #executive dysfunction #low self-esteem #depresso #anxious avoidant #isolated #open diary #journaling

[badbacksadsack]

I’m grateful to have a safe space and life and joy today. I woke up, albeit slightly tired because I was in waiting mode for the shop that I ordered between 11 and 3 but I did everything I set out to do. I have food, and toilet roll and just my basics sorted. I am happy I did another task at the same time as waiting so i could focus my energy and attention somewhere else. I managed to make some yellow dettol floor water which smells lovely and did the bathroom and corridor. I would like to eat breakfast and hoover today and enjoy some rest based living. Not let the noises of the day overstimulate me but be in control of what I am in control of, like my breathing, saying positive affirmations to myself when I need to, being gentle and loving because I need that loving compassion to feel like I have the energy to keep being resilient. I am about to come onto my period this week which is okay as it is completely natural, my body is doing great and handling everything I need her to🥹 I love how intentional I’m being with my peace lately, I don’t think I would have the peace I do had I been choosing to focus my time and energy completely on my previous unstable relationship, going through the rollercoaster motions. I love that I am choosing me, my peace, my stability and my future over fake love (performative romance), shallow attention and surface connection. I can be happy again I just have to keep letting go of the heavy baggage I carry, it’s a choice to be burdened with not loving self in a world that profits off having low self esteem. I love my reassuring smile, my perfectly human being body, I love my inner strength and resilience, I love my hair and my skin, I love how black I am all over, I love how much creativity and joy radiates all over my community all over the world. I know hate has been taught so it can be unlearned, I know the answer is love. I want to pause in kindness and to give the benefit of the doubt, because that’s how I want to behave, treat others and be received. I choose joy and choose me. I love myself and I know I have to be gentle setting and respecting my own boundaries, so I feel comfortable to set them with others and accept that everyone needs healthy boundaries to thrive. I’m getting out of survival mode, I have everything I need alhamdulilah from food to cleaning supplies to kitchen roll reserves to toiletries. I am grateful that I have everything I need and even when I don’t, I know I have the capacity to keep myself safe and nourished. I’m grateful to be here, praise be to the most high.

#loner #dysphoria #self deprecation #isolation #executive dysfunction #low self-esteem #depresso #anxious avoidant #isolated #actually bpd

[badbacksadsack]

I just stopped myself from checking on my exes social media to see how he’s doing without me

I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about going to see him but it feels like that’s only because I’m scared of when (if?) he’ll return (to get his things most likely)

I feel like it is self harm, it hurts ALOT and I’m making the current pain worse with the extra added unnecessary struggle

I am proud of myself for just instinctively saying positive safe affirmations to myself because when I’m stressed I realise I am learning the power to recognise it, notice how it feels in my body and validate myself through it. It’s okay to have this thought or feeling thank you body for telling me, however I want to pause and reflect before deciding what to do. I know that obsessing over this person, their life or what they portray on the internet is not anything to do with me or my life story. It is not worth my time or mental and physical energy and it just simply wouldn’t make the situation better. I know that I do not want myself to feel worse than I already do, I deserve peace and to move on.

The hot thought popped up twice, both times while on the windowsill

Bored, sat smoking, I think the internet went out and I needed to pee from the unexpected nature of it

Part 2 lol I came back to this b4 bed

I called a hotline and spoke with someone who was gentle, patient and understanding. They listened to me and I realised that I didn’t have to revert to coping with that unhealthy mechanism in the purse but I could rewrite my story by reaching out for something healthier. So I picked up the phone and talked it out. It was cathartic and felt better to really explain out loud what I was going through without fear of judgement or ridicule. As much as I recognise I did something positive today I don’t want to solely rely on a hotline without providing any emotional support back, I want to be able to do this relatively unsupported but right now I know it’s extra hard and I understand that I need to talk things out if they are going to heal. I want to learn how to find that listening non judgmental best friend in myself at some point. I know with practice it will come with time and a little radical acceptance. I want to continue to validate self, journal and reach out of for support when that feels difficult to do alone. It helped put into perspective that it was completely valid for me to feel how I felt about my previous relationship and also about being nervous to share my trauma with people close to me because I was comparing our grief when that is quite impossible to do. Grief can’t be compared, a loss of a part of your life is a loss and I want to give myself the space to grieve, heal and move on to a better more educated (in a life sense as academia is not the only measure of knowledge, skill or talent) and healthier self tapping into that sustainable self love and self care.

I want to develop my sense of self, rediscovering, deeply appreciating and reevaluating who I am, what positives and negative traits do I recognise (which is half the job done, I’ll know where to channel my energy) and finally start to create the beautiful life that I visualise for myself. Getting to live beyond my wildest dreams. Living in my divine destiny and non binary/genderfluid power🧜🏿‍♀️🧚‍♂️

#loner #dysphoria #self deprecation #isolation #executive dysfunction #low self-esteem #depresso #anxious avoidant #isolated #actually bpd #journal #journaling

[badbacksadsack]

I am literally forcing myself to be the bigger person, my ex is disrespectful, hurtful and shameless but I have to stay focused if I want to keep myself and my mental health safe. I know as much as it hurts right now, as much as I feel betrayed, this feeling temporary. I know he is already fetishising and using someone else, robbing them of their money and mental energy but as much as I’m hurt to my core, I have to recognise that this is a win, because I am in control of my life, not other people’s actions and honestly that’s not who I want to give access to me anymore. And as much as I didn’t want to do this alone again. I know taking care of myself and my mental health is my only priority. That also includes not airing out my dirty laundry and business in front people who weren’t involved or honestly don’t have to listen; family, friends, colleagues, it is no longer my burden to deal with proving to or having others validate that I am in pain. It feels like a performance. I am finally getting over my over responsibility to constantly worry about this person, feeling like I HAD to get that (horrible) person to where they needed to be, but also understanding that I have bigger things to focus on and another persons goal should never have been my goal. I can’t help but feel so used by them, but I know I was also offering help. I hate being so self sacrificing sometimes, that sick pleasure in helping take care of broken birds. I really couldn’t understand why anything wasn’t being reciprocated, I remember thinking back then, every time I got nothing in return when I was expected to give everything I felt like my ancestors were probably wondering the same thing. I could no longer allow myself to be someone’s stepping stone. To be stepped on so someone else can get to where they want to get to, I have so much grace and intrinsic value as a human being even if it didn’t feel like that before. I deserve much more than I’ve ever allowed myself or been allowed to have. I will not let others define me. And I will sit with myself as I cry, every day if I have to if that’s what it takes to heal, because I’ve never felt that before. I am reminding myself gently that I am whole by myself, I was carrying the team on my own in my last relationship and I want my future love to be my equal. But even before that I want to love myself unconditionally, I am trying my absolute best. when I’m upset, I’m learning how to create safe and calm spaces, when I’m triggered, I’m self reflecting more rather than jumping to blame. I did not ask to experience what I have and I will not blame myself for trying my absolute hardest to make that joyless trauma bonded situation work. Bitterness, spite or vengeance won’t bring me joy or lasting peace, it just robs me of the time and space to create happier moments. I genuinely want to feel better because that’s what I know I deserve. I have to create that peace and stability or it won’t just happen. I hope that I can manifest a much calmer, wholesome existence from this point forwards. Is it cliche to start a vision board? who cares actually, maybe recreating what has worked for others, to help keep that goal or vision for a individual version of a great life is the key 🔑 I’m struggling but who isn’t, I will validate myself more because I always needed someone, anyone to say I was doing a good job and at 27 I’m realising that I can be that for myself

#loner #dysphoria #self deprecation #isolation #executive dysfunction #low self-esteem #depresso #anxious avoidant #isolated #actually bpd

[badbacksadsack]

I woke up feeling nervous today. I know I want to be relaxing and I don’t have to do anything, except take care of myself. It feels a lot I’m over stimulated. There’s a repetitive car alarm noise in the background but I don’t want to let a noise out of my control be the reason I am stressed today. I am grateful for having my own space and that it isn’t construction noise. 

I am grateful to have had breakfast, I charged my headphones last night and even though they were cheap, they still work after a year. I also am about to play dress up so I’m happy, and grateful. I am going to overcome the obstacle of the day being the energy being off but my energy is back on💡💫 

Every time things feel off I’m trying to get back on track, get my self esteem up, stop chasing people who don’t love me or wondering where I went wrong. Shit happens, life happens. You do the test before knowing what you have to do but after it’s done, you made it, another day, another hour, another minute.

I’m grateful to be sober and actually be present enough to untangle the knot of not knowing what I could improve. Radical acceptance helps, accepting that I don’t know all the answers but I’d like to find out is giving me somewhere to begin from. Again and again whenever I need reminding, it’s okay baby, I don’t have all the answers and that’s okay. I don’t know what is coming next but that’s okay. I am safe in the here and now, in my own presence, comfortable, warm and fed.

Woke up without gas, mounted that molehill, I didn’t have energy to play dress up as a leisure thing, but that’s okay. I know leisure will feel uncomfortable until I keep allowing myself to enjoy myself without fear of being in trouble. I am warm, lovable and loving, kind and gentle, soft, loyal yet fierce and resilient all in one. I am falling in love with myself exactly as I am, not how others see me. With positive traits and negative too, I can’t change for the better without deep, unconditional love. When I shower or when I don’t feel able to, love myself extra gently when I wake up anxious or fearful. Love myself on days where I turn out a LEWK and days I’m in pyjamas exactly the same. I am not trying to get others to approve of me anymore, I am reclaiming my life for myself, to live how I want to live. Guided by love and respect for myself, and leaving if that’s what my gut is telling me. I am forgiving myself for leaving my toxic childhood house, for leaving the dynamic of oppression I could no longer rationalise, for leaving a person who wouldn’t or couldn’t love me the way I needed, for choosing myself, my safe space and my mental health over cohabitating with someone I couldn’t trust or feel safe around. I am me. I love me. I protect my best interests. I leave to stay safe. And I forgive myself for choosing safety. Dream skywards little mermaid, dream skywards 

#loner #dysphoria #self deprecation #isolation #executive dysfunction #low self-esteem #depresso #anxious avoidant #isolated #actually bpd #sober journey #sobriety

[badbacksadsack]

I feel unlovable

I have disliked myself for as long as I can remember

I can feel that feeling back from my partner

He doesn’t want to love me in the way I want to be and I don’t know if i should go for the sake of both of our health

I have a heavy feeling in my chest and I am crying 

I feel like my mum hates me 

I feel like I’m the odd one out in my family

I am a failure I feel like I keep failing 

At everything, uni, friendships, relationships, being likeable 

I feel like a burden that doesn’t deserve to be here 

I’m wasting everyone’s time including my own 

I’ve been struggling to shower or clean the house regularly or get groceries or pick up 

I know I’m stronger than my mental health

I have to say it even if I don’t believe it yet

#actually bpd #bpd vent #dysphoria #loner #self deprecation #isolation #executive dysfunction #depresso #anxious avoidant #isolated #social anxiety #low self-esteem

[badbacksadsack]

[badbacksadsack]

you wanted to try, you tried, of course you tried and even when it was not meant to work you tried some more

it didn't work out like this for lack of not trying, in fact I feel like I have been giving more than I have ever given these last few years it shows

in my health, in my reactions, my fear of sharing intimacy and my overwhelming fear for my safety

but also in how intentionally I'm creating my safe space, my shelter, my warm slice of the world and how mindful I am about it being a joyful space

I am sure this relationship ending will hurt now by good lord it needed to happen sooner rather than later it won't hurt forever

I have been humiliated, heart broken and love sick the last few years and the continuous disrespect I endured was painful

I do not deserve scraps, I am whole by myself, I validate myself, I protect my heart because I deserve to be safe

onwards and upwards sadsack you have plenty of colours yet to discover

and they can exist in places you haven't imagined you could go

run wild little chicken

run free

this is not a loss it is a lesson on love

#loner #dysphoria #self deprecation #isolation #executive dysfunction #isolated #anxious avoidant #certified lover girl

[badbacksadsack]

Good God Girl Get Out

#self deprecation #depression #anxious avoidant #social anxiety #anxiety #anxious #depresso #depressed

[badbacksadsack]

I'm allowed to be whoever I want. I'm finally giving myself permission to take time for myself and work on myself in my own time. I only get one life and I want to unlearn my self limiting beliefs and free myself from the pressure of doing things a certain way.

#depression #anxiety #depresso #depressed #self deprecation #lone wolf #executive dysfunction #dysphoria #dysfunctional family #low self esteem #loneliness #lonely #loner

[badbacksadsack]

the urge to post hideously personal things online. where does it come from

#kinda depressing #depresso #self deprecation #depression #depressed #executive dysfunction #dysphoria #dysfunctional family #body dysmorphia #trust issues #isolated #isolation #anxious #anxiety #social anxiety