frostypops26

[frostypops26]

I felt so ugly and stupid. Why can’t I feel good about myself ?

I’ve fought all these years for happiness I keep trying to convince myself I deserve. I fake this confidence of knowing what I’m good at and my worth but then they disagree or hate me for it and I feel stupid all over again.

Nothing goes right when I feel good about myself. I feel like I can do is try to repent for my sins my mistakes but it’s never enough.

I’m afraid I really am some ugly monster that doesn’t deserve happiness. I am a Fredi with weird terrifying dark thoughts. I think I am just insane. So is it finally time ?

Can I let myself lose the battle ?

As time passes I’m only more convinced I’m not fit to live. I’m too crazy. Too undeserving. Too shitty with no chance of improving when it’s all I try to do.

But being good doesn’t come easy to me like it does others. I don’t know how to do this...

I wish someone could tell me what to do. I’d die if that’s what it took to make it better for everyone else. If I was really so rotten then I could be at peace with removing myself from existence. Because all I’ve done is make everything worse and ruin the lives of everyone I’ve ever cared about.

I don’t think anyone could ever really love me. Not the real me...

#unlovable #tw depressing thoughts #so pathetic #please make it stop #why am i like this #i dont want to be here #i’m gonna die #so alone #i hate this #i hate my body #i hate everything

[frostypops26]

He hurt me. My brother hurt me. He let me down and he wasn’t there when I needed him. He forgot like it was nothing. Like it was okay to forget. And it’s not the kind of wound that’s easily forgotten. This pain will stay with me. To remind me he won’t always be there. That he’s never been nor is he ever probably gonna be the one to save me from my agony...from my hellish nights filled with silent tears as I’m begging to be saved. I let it go because he’s in his own battle to save himself from a girl who will never love him enough nor be enough to give him the strength to save himself from his own unhappiness. But I’m crying tonight because of him. Because I’ve stayed at his place all week. As he finally had time for me. And I’m gonna make him breakfast in the morning before he goes to work. Because we had a nice night together and I want to show how much I appreciate it and that I care. But he hurt me and he’s the reason I’m crying tonight sitting and lying on the bathroom floor. The reason I can’t sleep tonight cause I can’t stop hurting and crying.

But I’m making him breakfast today and I hope he likes it...

#siblings #depressing shit #big bro/little bro #don’t know how to feel #why is he like this #why am i like this #why is it like this #why #so pathetic #i’m so tired #it hurts. #why does it have to be like this

[frostypops26]

I’m...so scared...all the time. What kind of life is that huh...?

#i’m so sad #please make it stop #so pathetic #don’t know how to feel #how do i do this #so lame #so lonely

[frostypops26]

I am really tired...and so so lonely...why am i the bane of my own existence...? Why does being in the world only hurt so much when I’m only being me...?

#lonelihood #sorry for being depressing #i’m so sad #depressing shit #why am i like this

[frostypops26]

Y’all’s family ever make you fucking homicidal ??

#i’m going insane #fucking hell #losing my mind #fuck this #i hate it here

[frostypops26]

I literally treat myself and my relationships with people like I mean nothing and nada to no one.

No wonder I fuck shit up and they think of me like some cold piece of shitttttttt ashsjjsjdjdhf

#this is depressing #holy fvck #dear god why #i wanna scream #grrrrr

[frostypops26]

Anyone ever been so fucked up and traumatized that you literally can’t even call your friends...your friends...?

Yeah...it’s so fucking embarrassing.

#trust issues #actually mentally ill #actually traumatized #suffering #losing friends #so pathetic

[frostypops26]

You ever get thrown into such a bad mood

Into such pain...that you feel physically ill...?

Like

Something’s off

You can feel your heartbeat everywhere and your body vibrating at a frequency you don’t understand

And you find yourself staring into nothingness...?

Yeah me neither...

#depressing life #family is hell #please make it stop #why am i like this #idk why

[frostypops26]

Everything hurts.

That is respecting throughout my head.

I’m at a Christmas potluck with friends. Someone thought of me and wanted me here. They said repeatedly that they’re glad I could make it. They don’t know how important that is to me.

But now I hate it here. I’m in pain.

I failed a nightmare of a class and I thought I wasn’t the only one but she passed. And it hurts because she’s so much like me but she’s better. And it hurts. I’ll have to go through that hell again. Alone.

Now I don’t know how to act. I’m trying my best to not seem sad despite just sitting on the floor of their bathroom listening to a sad song all by myself. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and my chest hurt.

People invite me to things and they talk to me now. They text me now and they want me there. I used to wonder what it’s be like to see that red text notification like someone who has friends...

I thought it’d feel better...

But I just feel worse...being the way I am and being around them. Like I’ll just never feel good enough. I’m not enjoying as much as I should cause I don’t feel like I deserve it.

Just got stabbed in the heart and feeling like a failure and trying to hide it as best as I can.

I wish I knew how to be happy.

[frostypops26]

Shit sucks. Again.

I’m stuck being the same old person again. The fuck up. The expendable one. The incredibly replaceable one. Everyone misses the leader of the group. I don’t they would care if I was gone. They wouldn’t notice if I wasn’t there. It’s just the same old crap from elementary. Me trying so hard to belong and be liked by the leader so I feel like I have reason to be there. Feeling like they won’t let me stay like they’ll just throw me away if I’m not of any use to them. I have my money at least right ...? That’s all I’m good for. I’d say I’m being delusional but hardly anyone proves me wrong. So the scary but is that I’m probably right and I’ll just thrown away like nothing again. I fucked up i was a piece of shit. Doesn’t matter what the other guy did. Im nowhere near as likesble. I’d never matter to them. No one said a single nice thing about me when it mattered. I don’t matter. Like maybe im not worst. But no one particularly like me all that much either. They’d throw away the second they thought they actually could probably...

It’s just...I know I suck. Im mentally I’ll and i have all this terrible anxiety adhd and depression and possibly autism but it doesn’t hurt any less when people leave especially when it’s my fault. I wanna be fixed. I wanna be better and I try so hard. But I don’t have the money for therapy. I don’t have any close friends to confide in. Im just alone. I can’t do this.

I don’t have anyone to go watch a movie with or go out with. Im just a lonely little loser. I thought life was better...but everyday feels like it could be my last day. I never do it but I know I could. And that alone sucks. I hate how much I truly want it sometimes. I think im just not strong enough to live my life. It all hurts too much. Im too weak. But tomorrow I have to wake up and hope they won’t just throw me away again.

No one would ever pick me first. I’m just the back up friend. The last resort.

I’m just same scared lonely little kid that no one even notices is gone...maybe that who I was always meant to be.

[frostypops26]

How the hell do I do this guys...?

I’ve had one of the better days I’ve had in the past two weeks. And yet the doubt and the anxiety and the pain...the paranoia... t just got to me.

And I feel so lame about it...like a total loser. I hate when I’m finally okay...everything just spirals and chest hurts. Like everything I worked so hard for just comes crashing down...like I haven’t learned a single thing.

...I’m trying to be tough...but it’s just so hard and lonely sometimes. I just don’t know how to do this alone anymore...

I’ve forgotten how to be strong...for me. I’m not just surviving anymore. I’m trying to live my life. But with life getting better. I’ve gotten so much weaker.

#please make it stop #sorry for being depressing #depressing shit #sighhhh #lone wolf

[frostypops26]

Don’t got much to say. Been getting kinda numb which makes my life so much harder if I don’t know how to feel or what to say. Don’t know how to compliment people or say thanks or how to feel about anything except embarrassed cuz I’m hella awkward and pathetic haha

Can’t function as a normal person if I don’t feel anything. I can guess but not much I can feel but the bad parts.

#numb #don’t feel good #sorry for being depressing #don’t know how to feel

[frostypops26]

Y’all should I delete my depressing posts

Maybe I should just post fun depression memes or some shit

Anyways I’m at school dressed as night wing and I feel cool and fly as fucks and also shy cuz fuck I hope everyone thinks I look cool too but my costume isn’t super obvious if I’m not wearing my mask 🥲😅

Don’t even know what to do tonight 💀💀💀

Hope everyone has a great Halloween tho !!! 🎃

#halloween #depressing shit #costume #nervous

[frostypops26]

Tumblr please help me

Someone kill me im having the worst day ever and I wanna go cry in the restroom but I can’t

I have a stupid fucking show to put on and I’m just so over it already

I work as stage crew with a headset and everything and I’m this close to silently sobbing in front of everyone

I just wanna cry and this is pure fucking hell

I keep fucking every little thing up and everyone probably fucking hates me

I fucking hate me

[frostypops26]

Quite the day goddamn

I will be doing some daily blog or whatever here about my day cuz today has earned it

Today I woke up early but I kept fucking around with character as cuz I’m lonely as fuck and then I went to grab some breakfast finally at like 11 trying to secure my ride aka my cramp suffering sister 😬

Then I felt super nauseous as I got ready after ditching school Monday and calling out sick Tuesday and I think to myself Karmas a bitch 🥲

Even tho I ditched after a rough Monday night and depressive episode and then a shit emotional hangover

Anyways

I kept gagging and holding that shit in like a champ and taking a shot of DayQuil and Pepto bismol 😓

Then I get to school and need to double register for two theater shows since I’m a theater major and I end up running around from the theater music and admissions office department and it’s a big campus and hot as fuck and I wanted to scream but I got it pending for now at least 😫😫😫

The I sit around deciding what to eat cus I’m nauseous today and don’t drive a car so I hit up the three same places near campus and I’m sick of em 🤢🤢🤢

Then as I go to cross the street to 7-Eleven and there’s a shit ton of Squad cars and cops and fire trucks and an ambulance by the church next to campus 💀💀💀

One of the theater tech department guys I ran into at 7-Eleven said someone screamed bloody murder and he called public safety immediately and they weren’t even there yet 😃

Like this has not been a good last two weeks what with the stabbing that turned out to be third degree murder and the multiple gropings on campus lately

Like damn I should be more scared but I’m almost too busy and I tend to go the nonchalant almost negligent route when it comes to safety concerns cuz it’s the only way I’m able to cope haha

That being said it has been a tragic awful last two weeks at college with all the recent crime dear god 🫠🫠🫠

And now I’m at Starbucks and I have to work on my stupid project for set design somehow...fuck. 🫢

#college #goddamn #crime #shitty day #college shit #sick and tired #seriously wtf

[frostypops26]

Sorry to anyone who followed me

I am just a very depressed guy trying to survive with zero bffs or close friends to vent to so here I am looking for my people but I’m afraid my depressing posts probably will make it so no one else follows me

Sorry

Guess I’m just venting to the void really

Still sorry to disappoint

I was actually really happy that people followed me

But I will probably remain depressed for a long while

I’m doing my best tho with zero people to trust yknow

[frostypops26]

I wish it wasn’t true

I wish I was better but I’m the worst

This isn’t some story where it turns out I’m actually amazing and kind and caring and the only thing getting in the way is my low self esteem

Like I’m actually terrible

I’m not a good person

And I try so damn hard to be such a pushover a people pleaser to just be so pathetic in hopes of redemption

I make myself miserable cuz I deserve and I wonder if I can ever punish myself enough to make up for all the bad things I’ve ever done

I don’t get to find out that I’ve actually been so good all along

I’ve been rude I’ve been mean I’ve been so selfish and entitled I can be so condescending and patronizing and hypocritical and judgmental and hold so many grudges

And I hate myself

It’s just so embarrassing to be so awful when I know it’s wrong

#disappointed #so fucking stupid #so pathetic #why #please make it stop #someone save me #don’t leave me #i dont want to be alone