mislaidinmyownmind

[mislaidinmyownmind]

18th July 2021

23:51

Another birthday wasted. No one cares.

[mislaidinmyownmind]

24th May 2021

14:40

I can’t stand myself anymore. I’m about to isolate myself from everyone.

#isolation #sociallyawkward #guilt #hatemyself #tired #suicidal

[mislaidinmyownmind]

18th May 2021

12:14

The only antidepressant I should take is cyanide.

[mislaidinmyownmind]

05 May 2021

23:47

I've been trying hard. Really. I've been going to therapy for the past 2-3 months I can't really remember. I began doing some sport about three weeks ago, and it kinda felt better. But I'm back. But this is different, I guess all I feel is numbness. Nothing smells, nothing tastes, nothing catches my attention, I just don't care about anything anymore. I really don't know what to do, I feel like shit and I can't change it. I thought I could, I really did. But no. I'm unable to control it, it controls me. I'm tired, I don't feel like anything is gonna change in the future. Whatever. I've proven to myself that I'm incapable of doing anything. I'm useless.

#suicidal #selfharm #hatemyself #hate #anger #depression #numbness #crying #tears #pain #hurt #painful

[mislaidinmyownmind]

14/04/2021

01:51

Day 5 since my last suicide attempt. Now my right kidney has started to hurt too. Both kidneys are fucked up and I’ve lost appetite. I deserve all of this. I want to die. I hate myself.

#isolation #sociallyawkward #guilt #hatemyself #tired #depression #tears #crying #suicide #hurt

[mislaidinmyownmind]

12/04/2021

23:25

Day 4 since my last suicide attempt. My left kidney is starting to fail and I've been dying of pain for the last day and a half. I'm waiting for the liver to fail too. Yellow skin, dehydration, exhaustion and dizzyness are other symptoms that preceded all this. This is the slowest and most painful way of comitting suicide. Guys, I don't know if I'll be alive in a few days, but don't ever do this to yourself its horrible.

#suicidal #pain #selfharm #depression #lifeisshit #ihatemyself #letitend #hurt #tears #crying

[mislaidinmyownmind]

I’m tired of being tired of being tired of me.

#isolation #sociallyawkward #depression #suicidal #tears #crying #guilt #scars #pain #hurt #love #hatemyself #i hate it i hate it i hate it #im just tired #tired

[mislaidinmyownmind]

22nd March 2021

04:04

My girlfriend is way out of my league. She is, without a doubt, the most beautiful person I've ever met. She is so kind, considerate, caring, creative, fun, sweet, everything... etc. She was my first, and only crush in my entire life. She makes me happier than anything else I've ever had in my life before or since then. She is one of a kind, and I would never ever want to lose her ever for anything ever.

Except, she shouldn't be wasting her time with me. I'm none of the things she is. I'm not beautiful like she is, I'm not smart, I'm extremely rude and inconsiderate, I lack discipline, sports, and a lot of things she doesn’t, I have so much trouble remembering basic manners and social rules and how to be a nice or kind or caring person, and it's really so much less than what she deserves out of a guy. I constantly tell her about how I feel, and how she deserves someone better, and that she's just way way too good for me. The one thing she says that makes her unhappy about me is the negative way I talk about myself, but she can't see how i'm just being honest about who I am. The way I talk negatively or say sad things like that she shouldn't be wasting her time with me really upsets her and makes her sad, which makes me feel so horribly guilty and even worse for everything in the first place. To tell the person I love most that they shouldn't be with me, is one thing, to think about all the ways I've been terrible to them is another, but to make them actually devastated and distraught and sometimes even cry is another. I really really am an awful selfish person for doing all three of those things to her. I wish I could stop or that I was smart enough to learn, but my brain miraculously always find some new way to fuck up and i'm back at square one. keep in mind, I think about how shitty I am and how awful I am for her every day. in fact, almost always.t. I've become such an emotional burden on her just because I can't stop talking about all the bad things I'm doing (while she still thinks I've done little to nothing wrong).

This really puts both of us in an absurd situation. Even if she is happy with me as I am, I constantly am selfish and have to go and sour her mood with my negative feelings. She so obviously deserves someone who treats her perfectly already, and doesn't do any crying or introduce sadness to them.

The thing is I'm just too lazy. I'm so rude and selfish; I constantly have to remind myself to think about her. So often I get lazy, and I stop working on things for her, and I think about myself too much, and it really isn't healthy for either of us. I've been realizing recently all the sacrifices she's made for me, and I really am not worthy of any of those at all. I can't satisfy any of her needs, either. I am not very handsome. If I were to rate myself out of ten, I'd say at best I'm a five and a half, and at worst a three. I don't workout nearly as much as I should to make myself more attractive, and I don't look nearly as beautiful as her.

I do nice things for her, as I think anyone in a relationship should. They're really small things like food or driving to see her or to get her to her basket training. But they aren't enough to make her say she's "the happiest girl in the world" like she claims to be. All these things are standard; any guy lucky enough to have her would go out of their way daily to do these things. I can't help but feel that I've institutionalized abuse into her, that she thinks all the things I've done wrong are okay or to be expected out of a relationship. It's extremely worrying. At this point, I sometimes catch myself thinking that I hope she'll meet a guy as beautiful as she is, and always I hope she comes to her senses as to how unhappy she really is with me.

My real emotional conundrum is this: she says she does not want to breakup and neither do I.

But I really really only want what is best for her, and I can't help but feel that maybe she'd be much better off without having to deal with my emotions and my mistreatment; she already has more than fucking enough to deal with on top of me. I'm such a constant source of stress in her life to a point where I doubt happiness can outweigh the negative feelings I give her. Not in the slightest. At this point there is more sadness in our relationship than there is happiness, and I have no clue why she hasn't left me or why she wants to stay with me, or even has begun to fall out of love or something. Especially after all the terrible things I've done

I really can't bear the thought of being without her, but, at this point any reason I have to stay in this relationship is completely selfish. Like I said, I know she'd be much happier without having to worry about me, and without me she wouldn't have to deal with having to clear her schedule to see me, or deal with my childish fits of sadness or self-pity, or even have to deal with me treating her like shit ever again.

#relationship #couple #love #insecuirities #guilt #tears #cry #im gonna cry #selfdoubt #suicidal #sociallyawkward

[mislaidinmyownmind]

22nd March 2021

01:07

I'm broken on the inside. I'm trying to seem like if I was okay for her. Because I know I'm not going to do it for myself. All my insecurities are hitting hard, all my depression is kicking in, and I still have to stand there like if nothing happened. And its because I'm tired of everything, and especially of hurting others with my depression.

I don't really feel like writing today. Idk, I've just been a lot less communicatively lately.

[mislaidinmyownmind]

19th March 2021

11:08

It's been a hard couple of weeks. I've been trying to fake I was ok so I didn't really get to think all the bad stuff. But yesterday I just exploded. I screamed so loud I started spitting blood. I wanted to kill myself. As always my girlfriend stopped me from doing it.

Today I feel numb. Nothing really matters anymore. I don't have any purpose in life. I'm not doing anything to change it because I don't care. I woke up this morning with nothing to do. I'm pretty sure there are plenty of things I should do regarding my studies but I just don't feel like it. But what else? There's nothing else. My future is unknown to me and I know I'm not gonna have anything I'm looking for. So why keep living, there's nothing to do it for. I'm tired. I'm not even sad, or happy, or angry, or anxious. I'm just tired and I feel okay with ending my life.

#depression #tears #numb #crying #suicidal #hurt #pain #end

[mislaidinmyownmind]

8th March 2021

00:25

I'm still tired. I've really been making a huge effort to feel great and ignore the darkness. And it kinda made a difference since I managed to seem happy for a while, at least. Today was one of those days. But you know, at the end of the day, I'm alone again, and my broken mind starts malfunctioning again. I had a great time with my gf today, I was happy, I felt safe, and I loved it. My insecurities didn't go away of course, but at least they didn't hit me as hard as usual. But now they are, as usual. It's been two weeks since I started therapy. And yeah, two weeks is very little time to actually perceive any improvement I guess? I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. A few weeks ago I said that if going to therapy didn't work, then I wouldn't know what else to do.

Today is that day. I don't know what else to do. Nothing works. She keeps telling me to keep trying. But I'm just fucking tired.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, whatever. I'll post this as it is. Fuck it.

#depression #sadness #crying #tears #suicidal #death #scars #selfharm #isolation #loneliness #mentallyill

[mislaidinmyownmind]

3rd March 2021

10:22

Do you ever feel like everything and everyone around you is polluted with your darkness and you wish you could just start over but now everything is broken beyond repair?

#depression #sadness #tears #crying #hurt #isolation #sociallyawkward #insecure #insecurities #death #suicidal #selfharm #selfinjury #hatemyself #hate #anger #life

[mislaidinmyownmind]

2nd March 2021

20:05

Here I am having dinner on my own in a crowded fast-food. I don’t wanna go home, and I feel so alone...

[mislaidinmyownmind]

02 March 2021

11:45

I really should be paying attention right now but I just don’t feel like it. I’ve been skipping class for over two weeks now so it doesn’t really matter if I pay attention or not because I have to catch up on too many things. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here.

[mislaidinmyownmind]

2nd March 2021

01:41

Does anyone else feel pathetic because "there is people who's suffering much more than you" but that doesn't make the pain go away?

#depression #kill #suicidal #sadness #sad #tired #tears #crying #sociallyawkward #isolation #alone #loneliness #darkness #hurt #guilt #pain #mentallyill

[mislaidinmyownmind]

2nd March 2021

01:24

I don't feel like existing anymore. I'm just tired of feeling the same over and over again. I'm tired of being the worst thing on earth. I'm tired of comparing myself to others. I'm tired of letting people down. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of hurting other people. I'm tired of hiding how I feel. I'm tired of showing how I feel. I'm tired of the context I live in. I'm tired of my random moods. I'm tired of my depression. I'm tired of interacting. I'm tired of trying to give explanations to everyone so they don't ask more questions. I'm tired of being so insecure about every aspect in my life. I'm tired of the routine. I'm tired of not having any real friends. I'm tired of not doing anything at all. I'm tired of people saying I'm not trying hard enough. I'm tired of emptying my bin full of used tissues every morning. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of dragging everyone else down with me. I'm tired of not being accepted in my family. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of thinking about dying. I'm tired of writing these posts no one reads. I'm tired physically. I'm tired mentally. I'm tired spiritually. I'm tired of hiding my scars and my self-injuries. I'm tired of not being able to look people in the eye. I'm tired of waking up every morning. I'm tired of having to study. I'm tired of not meeting expectations. I'm tired of people and society demanding me things. I'm tired of saying I'm tired.

I'm fucking tired of everything.

#tired #depression #sociallyawkward #tears #crying #sad #sadness #moods #anxiety #frustration #suicidal #end #dying #death #injury #selfinjury #blood #hurt #trying #tissues #living #life #insecurities #lettingpeopledown #feelings #darkness

[mislaidinmyownmind]

26th February 2021

01:02

Feeling the need of comforting her bc she's crying but remembering she's crying because of my suicidal behavior is just devastating for me.