realasgardianhouseknives

[realasgardianhouseknives]

YEAH, I DO WHAT I WANT, THOR

Loki, we love and respect your genderfludity but “Captain America” is not a gender. Please stop turning into Steve. He’s not even Captain America anymore.

“Steve Rogers” is not a gender either.

#realasgardianhouseknives #loki #thor #captain america #steve rogers #bucky barnes #lets-get-stoned-42069 #side note: epic username

[realasgardianhouseknives]

#okay now tell us the enties for both day 42069 and day 69420.

hang on, i'll check

day 42,069 - "deer dieri: thur stoled my buk agan! not old enuff to chalenj him to holmgang yet"

day 69, 420 - "dear diari: teacher says my spelling is gud, and my gramur. but there is room for improovmint. asked if thor has improovd in spelling his name yet. got sent out again. thor throo (throu???) his shoo (shou??) at my head and he got sent out also"

(translated from asgardian, of course. prince loki was a surprisingly good spelling in his one hundreds, i think. probably all that reading)

found prince loki’s diary!!!!!

latest entry:

day 383,250 - family still doesn’t accept me :(

…most of the entries are like that.

#realasgardianhouseknives #loki #thor #for the record– 383250 days is ~1050 years so that's five years after thor 1 (which took place in 2010 apparently) #so the first entry here presumably happened when thor returned post ultron #the second two entries are from when he was 115 and 190 respectively so relatively young #respectively these three entries occur in 2015 1080 and 1155 #also known as the year the first batgirl died (rip yvonne craig) #the year rudolf of rheinfelden defeated henry iv and then died a day later #and the year taira no tokuko was born

[realasgardianhouseknives]

thor: my brother is dead

loki: i’m not fucking dead i’m floating aimlessly in space this is literally my worst nightmare please come pick me up

thor: sometimes i can still hear his attempts at telepathic contact...

loki: I AM LITERALLY RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT ME YOU DICK STOP ABANDONING ME PLACES WITHOUT EVEN CHECKING MY PULSE HOLY SHIT

val: huh that’s weird i kinda hear him too

sif: yeah it happens a lot. it’s probably just weird magic crap; just ignore it.

loki: the fact that i haven’t killed you all in your sleep speaks volumes of my self-control

people have wondered how loki survived, so this is basically what happened:

#mcu au #realasgardianhouseknives #at least he's not falling? #the-stars-descend

[realasgardianhouseknives]

people have wondered how loki survived, so this is basically what happened:

thanos: *snaps neck*

thor: *muffled screaming*

loki: *awkward cough*

thanos: ok what the hell that should've killed you

loki: i have survived getting electrocuted to the point of immobility for a significant stretch of time, getting stabbed straight through the heart, getting repeatedly hulk smashed through the floor, getting thrown out of the bifrost, being a frost giant while summoning the most powerful fire giant of all time directly in front of me to burn down literally an entire planet, and spaghettification via throwing myself into a wormhole. i'm honestly not sure i even can die.

thanos: when i snap, you'll be the first to go.

#mcu #mcu au #thanos #loki #thor #spoiler: loki survived the snap #thanos was so mad he tried to snap again but he'd already destroyed the stones so it was a no-go #he DID get hela tho #ironically that's how she survived surtur #oops #realasgardianhouseknives #suicide ment #also in the comics he survives: decapitation #getting eaten by laufey #spending an uncertain amount of time trapped in a tree #getting exiled into space #the viper incident (rip narfi) #getting killed by thor #getting killed by thor AGAIN (this time thor kept his head so he could still watch the fight) #getting ripped apart by the void #getting sorta destroyed by his past self #getting the shit kicked out of him by thor for that last one #getting set on fire by his old future self and then intentionally destroying his present self #the literal end of the universe

[realasgardianhouseknives]

overheard in new asgard

loki: here's the thing

*what appears to be a giant pile of orange rocks appears out of nowhere*

ben: where the fuck am i

#realasgardianhouseknives #marvel #mcu au #loki #ben grimm #the thing #things i'd draw if i could draw #how to fix thor 3 #fantastic 4

[realasgardianhouseknives]

Happy New year dear 💜💜💜

Happy New Year, from New Asgard!

#realasgardianhouseknives #mary1raven

[realasgardianhouseknives]

Overheard in New Asgard

Wanda: So... rocks, amiright?

Loki: You are the only person in the universe who understands me.

#realasgardianhouseknives #wanda maximoff #scarlet witch #loki #wandaviz #tesseroki #mcu #mcu au

[realasgardianhouseknives]

that’s not how i remember it but if the king says so i guess it must be what happened

#realasgardianhouseknives #loki #thor #text post meme #textpost meme #marvel #mcu au #mcu #final proof that prince loki is irredeemably evil? could be

[realasgardianhouseknives]

new hit single “brainwashed”

#realasgardianhouseknives #loki #clint barton #hawkeye #oooh i'm brainwashed captivated by the fame oh it's taking over me~ #marvel #mcu #text post meme #textpost meme

[realasgardianhouseknives]

found prince loki’s diary!!!!!

latest entry:

day 383,250 - family still doesn’t accept me :(

...most of the entries are like that.

#realasgardianhouseknives #loki #maybe he should try being better at things like honorable combat and table smashing

[realasgardianhouseknives]

You’d think now that King Thor has that cool new Bifrost axe he’d be all over rebuilding connections with the other realms, but for some reason Prince Loki is doing it?

Apparently the King’s offer of sending troops to Vanaheim again was poorly received, for some reason. Maybe they're just being nice, since we have so few soldiers left, but the messenger seemed really angry?

Anyway, there’s been a huge party going on for a while now (I think since King Odin died), but they didn’t invite us since we’re so busy rebuilding. King Thor asked what they were celebrating, and the queen said they’d just been having a really great time recently.

#realasgardianhouseknives #wish they'd invited us tho :( #thor #loki #odin #freyja #hey did the king remember to let the family of that one friend of his know he was dead? #eh i'm sure prince loki will take care of it

[realasgardianhouseknives]

Pretty sure your prince and that big green beast are sleeping together. The glances, the blushing, the rubble in their wake. It all kind of adds up. Also when’s the next blot

Greetings, mortal! Tis I, Afvaldr, who doth slice meats at the deli of yon noble New Asgard Safeway!

Friend, I know not if the green beast of which you speak is the alter-ego of Sir Banner, friend to our king, or the peculiar toga man whom I hath seen on many vegetable products!

Ne'ertheless, I am o'erjoyed to hear this news! I shall spread it throughout the land as quickly and recklessly as possible, with no concern for what might come of it!

#realasgardianhouseknives #loki #afvaldr of safeway #midgardians like it when we talk like this i think #loki x the jolly green giant new otp #bruce banner #hulk #thor #g-d i'm gonna end up needing a character sheet for this blog huh.... #worth it #gammafrost

[realasgardianhouseknives]

honestly not sure which of these two has it worse. like on the one hand hela killed a lot of people in asgard, but on the other hand she killed even more people for asgard....

but king thor says we don’t do that anymore? most of the warriors didn’t survive, though, so maybe that’s why.

#realasgardianhouseknives #hela #odin #odin's a+ parenting #thor #most new asgardians are having an okay time adjusting to the ''imperialism was bad'' idea #since none of them really benefitted from it #but a lot of them are struggling with the ''we shouldn't be proud of it'' part #especially the ''maybe stop telling king thor's friends about his 'adventures''' part #although i think loki is probably at fault for that #or maybe he isn't #might as well just blame him anyway

[realasgardianhouseknives]

whoever* keeps submitting “CHAOS CHAOS I CAN DO ANYTHING” as new legislature needs to stop

*not gonna name any names bc i don’t wanna let the frost giant out of the freezer

#realasgardianhouseknives #loki #deltarune #someone showed him the internet and he instantly became So Much Worse #AND king thor says we aren't allowed to call him slurs anymore >:( #i mean he hasn't made that a legal thing yet but we don't wanna push it #marvel #mcu #mcu au

[realasgardianhouseknives]

Happy Halloween from New Asgard!

Some costumes we’ve seen include–

King Thor as King Odin (it’s a pretty good impression, actually)

Prince Loki as Captain America (does this even count as a costume with how often he does this?)

Valkyrie as Sober Valkyrie (she painted a bottle of booze to look like a bottle of gatorade and is doing her best drunk-person-pretending-to-be-sober act)

Heimdall as Tired Dad (this may not be a costume either, it’s hard to tell)

Bruce Banner as the Incredible Hulk (he literally went out and bought the cheapest Hulk costume he could find; it’s impressively horrible)

Korg as Miek

Miek as Korg

Commander Tyr as Kratos, from some video game or other (most people are just amazed he survived; none of us noticed him on the Statesman....)

Lady Sif as “this isn’t a costume, you idiots, Loki hexed my armor into a tutu” (we’re pretty sure she’s a fairy princess? It’s a great look, Lady Sif!)

Eir as Agent Smith from the Matrix (she refused to explain)

Sleipnir as a giant spider (he keeps chasing the King around, so we don’t think he’s forgiven him for getting left behind on Asgard. You can world-walk, Sleipnir!)

Lorelei as “a burn victim in prison” (we also forgot to free the prisoners. Not sure how she made it out, or why her costume is just her everyday look)

Amora as Queen Frigga (she did not get permission for this, and nobody's happy about it, but King Thor seems weirdly okay with letting her play the part...? Should probably check that out, but... eh.)

#realasgardianhouseknives #thor #odin #loki #captain america #steve rogers #valkyrie #mcu valkyrie #brunnhilde #heimdall #bruce banner #the hulk #korg #miek #tyr #sif #eir #sleipnir #lorelei #amora #amora the enchantress #yes amora's here fuck you marvel #marvel #mcu #mcu au #happy halloween

[realasgardianhouseknives]

Update on Prince Loki’s Mental Health

Currently, Prince Loki is lying facedown on the ground in an alleyway behind a dumpster. The only thing he’s said so far is “life is soup, I am a chopstick”.

So... it’s about the same, really.

#realasgardianhouseknives #loki #marvel #mcu #mcu au

[realasgardianhouseknives]

King Thor has finally persuaded (read: coerced (read: physically forced)) Prince Loki to see a psychologist, and we have now confirmed that ignoring his growing mental health issues was actually not helpful.

New Asgard will devote as many people (maybe two or even three) as possible to research whether this is true for everyone or if Prince Loki’s just.... y’know.....

#realasgardianhouseknives #thor #loki #new asgard #mcu #mcu au #marvel #look it's a work in progress #also the valkyrie apparently has a ''drinking problem'' #we're not 100% sure the mortals aren't just making that up #maybe val and the prince could just try harder to not have those issues? #i mean if king thor hits things enough they stop moving so ''mental health'' is probably basically the same