sxdsxmmy

[sxdsxmmy]

idk i just need to get this off of my chest…

the situation from my last post changed a little bit, not much but a little. i met this guy in rehabilitation for mental health and we started to get closer and closer to the point where we cuddled, held hands and one evening we nearly kissed i think? not too sure about that tho. which honestly fucked with my head like obviously.. i mean i have a boyfriend that i love, right? or so i thought. i don’t know if i still love him anymore because the longer im away from him the less i love him and the more i start to realise how, well not toxic but unhealthy our relationship was or is. this weekend im supposed to see him but i really don’t want to mostly bc i don’t want to decide and or break up with him again.. i did break up with him once before bc i wasn’t too well off mentally now its him kinda… i just don’t know how i’ll tell him tho like do i tell him when we meet up again or do i do it after and drive down to him? its just so confusing and i really don’t know what to do or say and im so conflicted because i don’t want to hurt him again and make his worst fear come true but on the other hand i have to be honest. i owe him that. but i don’t know if i want to loose him again.. but then theres this other guy and he’s literally everything i need rn and we do stuff together and we really like each other wether it be platonically or not. i just want to know what to do.. im afraid of doing the wrong thing. i don’t want to make any mistakes because it doesn’t just involve me but two other people with feelings that i need to consider as well. like sure im the one making the decision but it doesn’t just affect me… but why do i have to take into account what they’ll do like they’re their own persons but i’d feel so bad if i wouldn’t… my mind is running places and my heart also doesn’t know how to act and feel. there are so many factors i have to look at. what would be good for me? what makes me happy? who makes me happy? is this relationship salvageable? do i really have feelings for him? or is it just because he gives me attention? is it my hormonal imbalance? are the things that went wrong up until now saveable? like can we fix them? how will it affect my mental health? and i don’t know the answer to even one single question… i’m so lost. i’ve talked with my therapist briefly about it and she says either my boyfriend and i fix the issues, our issues or i’ll keep standing on the same point in life as i did before. even one of the other patients that went through a similar situation says the relationship is doomed and that they don’t know why i’m still together with him but it’s all i know.. and i think that’s the issue. i keep on pausing in life because i am too afraid of change and that will get me nowhere but can i stop this behaviour with my current boyfriend? or do i need to let go completely?

[sxdsxmmy]

i really need advice. and please dont hate on me or anything its already hard enough for me

so the situation: i have a boyfriend and we basically lived together until i went into rehab for my mental health (basically long term therapy but make it like living there) and everything was fine and i love him so much. and the first few weeks nothing changed sure lesser contact and we couldnt see each other, which was really hard. but we got used to it (more or less). and as the days passed i started to get along with one of the other patients here and we became friends really quickly. we started to do more stuff together and he made it quite easy for me to get accustomed to living here and not feeling alone (which is a big issue for me). so now a few days ago we started watching a series together and to not bother the others that live here we did that in my room. the first few days nothing happened we just sat there and enjoyed the show, goofed around but then we kinda started holding hands? nothing more. but it felt so good and i wasn’t really uncomfortable. i also enjoyed that we also did stuff together like go on a walk, work together and cook together, which i never did with my boyfriend. we always just laid in bed and watch some shows on netflix or so and most of the time we were high (thc) and it was getting really boring. my boyfriend and i also talked a lot about it but idk why but nothing changed. and now that this other guy does stuff with me and not just watch netflix, it feels really nice. but dont get me wrong i feel bad for my boyfriend bc i love him and he is also mentally not doing well rn bc of the whole long distance thing. but now i dont know what to do or what to feel. i am just so confused and i dont want to talk about it with anyone i know for personal reasons. but i just need some advice. maybe someone who also had a similar situation or so.. please

#relationship #relationship advice #friendship #friends #friendship advice #love #love advice #advice #no judgment zone #no judgement #i need advice

[sxdsxmmy]

im kinda new here? idk just me wanting to vent bc i have no one else that i can talk to/want to talk to.

ive been clean for about 1 year and 5 months (510 days to be exact)

i kinda feel myself slipping more and more lately. i keep on triggering myself on purpose but unconsciously? if that makes any sense? i know it triggers me looking up these tags but its just so calming looking at the pictures and posts. i dont know why but thats just how it is. like i know it‘ll take only so long until i relapse and i find myself being less and less scared of it? which makes me feel so weak and somewhat alone. obviously i’ve seen people post about this exactly but i want to relapse. i really want to and the only thing holding me back rn is my partner bug idk how much longer i can do this

#selfharn #slef harm #tw self sabotage #tw depressive #triggering stuff #tw slef harm #made of styrofoam #tw cvtting #tw cvts #cvtting #fresh cvts #tw fresh cvts #tw self destruction #self h@rm #self h@te #$h #shblr

[sxdsxmmy]

[sxdsxmmy]

I took those pictures when I was on my way back home from school and they just made me realise how much I love photography. I don't know why but I think that when you carry around a camera with the intention to shoot something, you go around the world with more open eyes.

#photography #pictures #selfmade pictures #flowers #nature #beautiful #red #white #green #sky #trees #school #sunshine #sunny day #dandelion #other flowers I cant identify

[sxdsxmmy]

I love being out at night. Everything looks so calm and peaceful. I love lying on the rooftop and just looking into the sky watching the clouds, stars and the moon. It makes me feel free. It lets me remember that not everything in life is bad. That I'm not bad. That I can do good if I really want to. And I want to. Moments like this comfort me. In moments like this I love my life.

#moon is beautiful tonight #sometimes i love myself #moon #night #sky #stars #clouds #dark #life #peace #calm #it really comforts me #I don't wanna die #I can do this #depression I fight you