#*'so they are actually a part of me and im a horrible person'

[antidotefortheawkward-art]

how fucked up would you be if you were told the embodiment of the worst parts of you was capable of killing members of your family

[ID: A sketchy two panel sepia comic. In the first panel, Sun Wukong is dressed in traditional deep mourning garb and kneeling before a grave, back to the viewer. The second panel is a close-up on his face. He has a hollow, terrified wide-eyed expression and half of his face is in deep shadow. He thinks, "Could I have done the same?" End ID]

#my art #journey to the west #jttw #xiyouji #sun wukong #monkey king #so. Six-Eared Macaque thoughts. #i think that in addition to simply being the worst parts of SWK (ie the actual parts of him that are flawed and bad)- #-he's also the worst of what SWK thinks of himself #cuz six-eared cannibalizing members of huaguo shan is good for hammering in how evil he is #but even for the 'worst parts' of swk i think swk doing anything like that is wildly ooc #so.... i think six-eared also embodies swk's intrusive thoughts #(intrusive thoughts as in actual violent reprehensible thoughts swk would never follow through on bc thats what intrusive thoughts are- #-not the tiktok misuse of the term 🙃) #so imagine how fucked up youd be if someone said This was the personfication of the worst parts of you and not clarifying* #* so youre just like. 'oh so my intrusive thoughts are right then' * #*'so they are actually a part of me and im a horrible person' #god the pilgrimage gave swk so much more trauma than ppl give credit </3 #sorry this is messy and sketchy i just wanted to get these ideas down gfdhjskd

[dennisboobs]

plain and simple i am not going to be able to remain in this fandom long-term if i have to keep putting disclaimers on every single one of my posts that say i don't condone dennis' bad, bad actions and that i am in fact aware he's got a history of sexual assault and dubious/nonconsent. the entire gang has done heinous shit. why is dennis the only one who needs to be treated like this? if some rando wants to post about how dennis is pookie pie that doesn't automatically mean they're blind to his crimes. every single member of the gang is a piece of shit. that's kind of the point.

draw dennis with cat ears who give a shit

#ada speaks #i'm not vagueing this is a constant thing ive experienced #i still have angry anons sitting in my askbox mad that i didn't explicitly condemn him last time i got into this #i'm really not a fan of the tension in the fandom the last few days #and like. i know its a hot button issue rn. everyone's going back and forth abt mac and dennis' SA #but this fandom genuinely does have an issue SPECIFICALLY MENTIONING things mac does to dennis and uwu-ifying them #when they are explicitly classified as SA in canon (which is an actual present issue i think needs to be addressed) #rather than like. just the mere MENTION of dennis outside of his SA is somehow condoning his actions #im sorry but i really do not feel the need to constantly talk about him assaulting women #everyone knows. everyone sees it. just bc i am dissecting other parts of his character does not mean i forgot he's a horrible person #it just means im trying to understand where he's coming from (which obviously does not change the facts.) #viewing dennis as a person with unresolved trauma stemming from elsewhere doesn't negate the damage he is doing to other people #he's not a real person where humanizing him does tangible damage #so i am going to continue to look into shit. when i talk about the CSA he went through it's not a justification. #but it does explain his actions in a character motivation type way which is what i am interested in #seeing what makes him tick #i think most people who follow me understand this by now. but i also don't think shit we see him do constantly in canon needs bringing up. #it's the subtle stuff that ties everything together and i want to put it all together to solve a puzzle

[sonknuxadow]

It's wild seeing how much disdain people have for Ian Flynn like my only beef with him is that he doesn't like dark sonic other than that he's okie 👍 yet some people are reaaaaaaaally reaching saying how he tarnished this series like that was a different Archie writer not Flynn lol

i dont care if people like ian flynn or not, or if they like the comics or not, i can think of some parts of both archie and idw that i dont really like, some of which ian flynn was responsible for. and also my opinions and taste in media are not universal. so people disliking idw sonic or ian flynns writing and criticizing it is fine. my problem is when people who clearly hate the comic and arent even having fun hatereading it just keep reading it and never shut up about it and find the tiniest things to get unreasonably mad over (like the art style being too cute or amy being strong or funny expressions being used or song lyric references in the dialogue. yes those are actual examples), flood the idw sonic tags with these kinds of posts, act like anyone who likes idw sonic and is tired of hearing from these types of people just has bad taste and cant handle hearing other peoples opinions (if anything the kinds of people im complaining about are the ones who cant handle hearing other peoples opinions), or they criticize the writers and artists in a way thats genuinely hateful like the person saying they hope ian flynn dies or whatever. like please just calm down and read something else

#also the way some of them will put their idw sonic hate on random peoples posts ?? #ive literally had to block people because every time id make a post about idw sonic #they would respond with everything they hated about that issue or panel #flood my notifications by having a conversation with other idw haters on my post #and whenever i would go ''um can you guys talk about this somewhere else'' they would get mad at ME #and act like i was the one being rude or doing somethign wrong #asks #also i know that last part might be a bit hypocritical of me to say when i make fun of ken penders a lot #but the difference there is that ken penders actually deserves it. #and while i do genuinely dislike ken penders as a person most of my making fun of him is just silly light hearted jokes #not ''i wish ken penders would die tomorrow. i mean this completely seriously btw'' #and im also saying all this stuff on tumblr. a site hes not active on. so theres a very low chance he'll ever see my posts #meanwhile theres twitter users saying horrible things about ian flynn as a person when hes active on there and can see their tweets #he publicly acknowledged the person saying he should die so he IS seeing some of this stuff

[mangosmoothiepussyv3]

:')

#personal #thinking abt the end of my last relationship with all the lies and the stringing me along #funfact. we broke up in 2020 but it wasnt until 2021 that i actually stopped talking to them. in january #bcus stupid naive me thought we could still be friends after they cheated on me #bcus!! when we were dating we always said that if we broke up we'd still be friends #anyways i had my 3rd suicide attempt then and its obviously not their fault #we'd been together for five years. they were interested in me when i was 16 and they were 19 #but i said to wait until i was 17 bcus 16 and 19 sounded bad #my current partner thinks i mightve been groomed but i dont think so #anyways dont feel too bad for me #i had so many unchecked mental illnesses (like bpd) that i treated them horribly #i feel so guilty abt what i did to them #but therapy has helped me see that we both kinda sucked #im working on not taking responsibility for every part of the relationship and focusing on my own mess ups #anyways i just needed to get that out of my system #sorry 4 typos lol

[pepprs]

i will shut up abt this i promise but like. the concept of being in a stable safe mutually loving whatever relationship is INSANE . like how can you ever feel bad about yourself or wounded or whatever again. it’s like a superpower or somethi ng. <- doesn’t know what she’s taking abt bc she’s never experienced it or the absence of it after having it merely the negative space of it and is filling in the gaps w logic or something. but it’s INSANE to me. like of course i feel like shit about myself i am catcrumb unloved.jpg!

#purrs #imbeing insane about it i know it’s not that simple / reductive and i will still feel like shit abt myself once im in a relationshp (if i #get to be ♥️) and there are lots of other legitimate reasons to feel shit agtbyiurself. but it’s like no ficking wonder i feel inadequate i #am a 24 year old who lives at home and has never held a hand or whatever next to two 50sometjinf year old married men with pets and phds. of #course i am going to feel inadequate and stupid and lonely. like i canttttt 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 and th w worst part is you can’t just go out into #the world saying that and looking for that it has to find you so i will not join any dating apps or whatever but i don’t fucking go anywhere #so im not going to meet anyone and i knowi am so young and stupid and just having a horrible day that is reminding me of horrors. but the #way i am mentally shoving my whole fist in my mouth. OF COURSE I FEEL LIKE SHIT I DONT HAVE A LIFE PARTNER!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE THAT #SAFETY AND STABILITY AND TRUST AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!!!!!! AND I NEVER HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #delete later #like this is what makes me crazy abt parents and kids too and whyi don’t think ihave kids. bc i think (and i know this is wrong / unhealthy) #it is a primal human need to be mutually someone else’s number 1 person and when you have kids it’s like you’re gonna love your partner more #than the kids and then the kids (read: me) watch that and get fucked up over it. but also that could just be me reacting to the UNSPEAKABLE #psychological damage of being a twin. which again is ridiculous bc it’s n out like abuse i just had to share something with someone else si #since before i was born and ofc there was more like actually kind of abusive stuff on top of it LOL but that aside. idk what im saying i #just feel so crazy. the amount of composure it takes me every day to not start SCREAMING with frustration and envy when i see ppl being #RIGHTFULLY DESERVEDLY visibly confident and loved. like ok valentines grinch go sit in the drainage pond forever please. but it’s so crazy #like how are you supposed to go through the world unaware of how much love you’re missing out on because you’re young and then you realize I #it and then somehow you miss the train and you are scared you are going to d*e alone ♥️ im normal

[beemintty]

something i struggle with is my australian identity. it's a fickle thing, identity that's tied to your country of origin. now those who know a bit about our countries history, I descend from the english part of the country. my dad is first generation australian (his parents are immigrants) and my mum's ancestors probably came across on the first fleet as convicts (we think that was the case anyway). so i'm british pretty well through and through. which is fine but i'm honestly not very proud of what the british did here to this country..... they stripped an entire culture of their own identity and practically erased it completely-- the people and the tradition-- and we are still making up for the unforgivable actions today (as we should be!). so yeah my australian identity feels a little bit conflicting.

so here's the thing. i want to learn and experience the indigenous culture that was so horrible erased by the british colonisation, but i understand how far away i am from indigenous australians and their culture. but i simply can't be a part of "just another western culture" i need more than just being a westerner.... i want my own individual culture that I can share and experience with food and tradition and ART and STORIES! like i feel so lost in "just another western culture".

but here's the other thing. australia is so uniquely isolated in its westerness. even though we are a predominantly western society, we are different. we do have tradition. we do have food. we do have art. we do have stories. it just doesn't look like an old, rich culture, it's growing and it's still young.

i feel like i find myself envying my lack of indigenous identity and therefore having no time to this land and no way in to understand the marvelous culture they have. but then again i also seem to despise my part in the western world. maybe out of consolidation or guilt but maybe also just out of not feeling particularly connected with australia's western traditions. so i'm stuck in this weird inbetween, unable to identify with either culture that make up my country.

i feel a bit lost.

#idk is this all insensitive? if it is ill take it down #but like not all parts of identity are important #idk why identity is so important to me #my identity culturally seems very important and very conflicting for me #but identity like my lgbtqia+ identity or my social identity mean not as much to me #family and home and personal identity however.... that im still trying to understand why i care so much.... #idk.... i just feel so out of place and like i belong to neither culture... #i mean its actually physically impossible to belong to the indigenous australian's culture and horrible rude for me to just wander in... #but i long so much to understand and learn and discover on soft feet the beautiful #i want to learn so much about the beautiful origins of this country that doesn't belong to me #and i feel so disconnected to the part of this country that i am actually bound to.... #thoughts #on life #my thoughts #culture #australian culture #indigenous australians #western culture #belonging #not belonging #im lost #social commentary #personal #personal identity #identity #cultural identity #idk who i am #where do i fit? #personal commentary #australia

[tortademaracuya]

#i think like. the worst part of my mood lately #is that i feel so low that not only i have no energy or motivation but i just dont care #i cant keep working on this stupid code because i cant bring myself to care about it. i dont see the point. its useless #but i also know that i will go back to suddenly caring in like 3 hours and im going to have a horrible time :) #it would be easier if at least i stayed on a single mindset :) #but no lets go from absolutely miserable and hopeless but uncaring to hyper anxious mess that gets overwhelmed #maybe i need to touch more grass but now im also starting to get anxious about being outside too...yay..... #dont even get me started on actually talking to another person face to face #haunted.txt #had to go out today and even though it was fun i wanted to explode the second i was alone again #i cant stop overthinking everything everyone says or does...its so tiring #and it feels even more lonely in the end. being surrounded by too many people and feeling like an outsider or #seeing a single person and feeling like you are bothering them #not like i have seen anyone. i would have to go out or take breaks or even reach out for that aha. ahahaahaha #lets see how many more places i can quietly disappear from because i cant be bothered #its all too much and even though at first is a relief its like i need to cut out more and more communication little by little

[fideidefenswhore]

i couldn’t remember how the first chapter opened so i reread (i mean...it’s been like over a decade, but it is a reread) w/eir’s the lady elizabeth and i think the funniest thing about it is that it’s not compatible with her six wives fictional series, and is thus, as i guess this is generally put...not in the same ‘universe’?

#like it's not even so much that oh this is from elizabeth's pov ; of course there will be things she doesn't see or remember #but that the plot points are very different. when she first sees her first stepmother is different #also i'm going to go ahead and say something real controversial: her prose got worse #like comparatively #her six wives books don't even really feel like prose #there are no long descriptive paragraphs; actually no long paragraphs; really? #not even medium length ones #they're all very clipped and short dialogue snippets and basically entirely aped from her own nonfiction #also i think TLE (i know it gets horrible with elizabeth's teenage stuff so. don't @ me. im not praising that) #is much better for having been; while mainly from elizabeth's POV; from multiple perspectives #like we see mary's here too #and it just balances it out nicely...i think the six wives books being not only close third person but ONLY from their perspective gave #them such a myopic feel...i honestly don't quite understand how they're bestsellers beyond the name recognition and #draw/appeal of the subject matter and the ever sellable appeal of these women as a 'set' #like babushka dolls #but anyway it's such a stupid model. multiple perspectives in one novel is always better #it's quite obviously about quantity not quality #now we will have henry's only soon and then mary's only.......uggggggggggggh not this #*myopic and narrow #edit: it's the part that is elizabeth's childhood that really shines #it sort of falls away after that #i did read the rest but decidedly skipped some parts #i guess weir's primary interest is always henry viii's reign so ...back to the roots i see

[bumbleblurr]

gives shockwave sympathetic traits but also won't let him escape the consequences of his actions

#i do see ppl get upset abt like getting upset abt making the male cons sympathetic which like. im guilty of that a bit yeah #which is not particularly great when ba is often just thrown under the bus for being So Mean to poor little optimus cry cry so sad #he obviously had No part in how she ended up in her current position #& she has no right to be upset about it due to how severe the trauma of it was and how it changed her life #(sarcasm. this is sarcasm) #like yeah there is some irrationality in her anger when u consider some details but like #girl i think she should be mad regardless. thats my hot take #anyway. yeah when ppl shit on ba but then they turn around and treat other Far Less ''redeemable'' characters better it is a bad look #but i prommy i am not doing thay i swear 🥺 #i just think shockwave is neat and i want to shake him around in a jar i trap him in #like yes. i like to interpret him not as a complete heartless villain #w/ sympathetic traits that are based on small details i focus too much on #but also i never am like ''so thats why its ok for shockwave to harm & traumatize ppl #bc the cons are the good guys so all the fucked up shit they do in canon & fanon is justified'' #which. i see often :| #but have u considered (twirls my hair) what if Shockwave is not a 100% good person even if i made him sympathetic heehee hoohoo #bc maybe cubing ppl is a bad thing actually #i think hes more interesting to me if hes a sad loser that ended up doing horrible things that he does have to face consequences for #if he had a redemption arc i think he would have his work cut out him #but definitely i think he has more of a chance than megs would #esp since part of what i think makes shockwave sympathetic is how megs is 100% willing to let him die if it benefited him #even though that dude dedicates himself so much to him & is considered one of his most loyal followers #and he gets rewarded by being shoved into an incinerator to power a escape ship #if he managed to survive that i think he'd just have a rlly intense existential crisis about the whole thing #which might be his opening to redeem himself if he doesnt become Worse during all that despair #anyway i think the point of this tag dump was #im not like other tf:a shockwave enjoyers. i want to see that british moose meet his doom #bc it would be awful for him but oh so so fun for me #and then maybe he can be ok in the end or if not. exploded into pieces #🐝 could you repeat the last part? 🟦

[dyketubbo]

do you ever see a post and go "wow you really live in a completely different way because how did you get to that conclusion" because thats how it feels whenever we see a post that implies some minority group has actually reached a point where they are never hated on in the way that ops minority group is hated on. sorry to break it to you but we are all actually still very widely hated

#i was going to just leave this blog alone as im not mask and dont care to fandompost bc itd feel Weird #but i did see a post a bit ago that reminded me of this weeeirrdd impression weve gotten #that like.. transfem hcs are widely accepted while transmasc hcs are uniquely seen as disgusting and horrible #and often weve seen the reverse as well. that transmasc hcs are completely accepted while transfem hcs are uniquely treated as awful #and its like ummmmm do we not live on the same planet even. do we not use the same website #from what i remember people wrote essay length posts abt why using she/her for cwilbur is Bad #and cleminnit got halted for a good while bc one person who engaged w it interacted w poppy fuckers #so the person who noticed got weirded out by cleminnit in general and so for a while it was seen as a hc inherently linked to poppy fuckers #on the other hand weve known people who got anon hate for transmasc hcs #and theres been a constant debate on both sides about whether hcing a canon man as transfem is even ok #and whether hcing a canon woman as transmasc is ok #and whete to draw the lines w stereotypes and yada yada #and its like hm. maybe we are all just hated acrually. maybe we shouldnt keep peddling the idea that any one minority group #has actually Made It to the point of being widely accepted and revered and never criticized #bc once you start dojng that you start getting rlly weird towards other minorities #and thats weird. and you shouldnt be dojng that. #slow down a bit and actually Think on whether this type of minority hc is genuinely more accepted and seen as fine #or if its just that you arent paying attention to how its still very hated and often shot down HARD #and apply that to real life shit too. yk. is this minority group actually accepted or are you just not a part of it #so your oppression seems to be much more widespread when really its just a matter of proximity. and we are all hated v much #presidential notices #<-hi. my names president/pres. unlikely that ill be active here im.. lets say a placeholder until this episode passes over #not mask. not grass. not tubzo. someone new

[icharchivist]

I'm glad you think of us trying to bully you as a safe space <3

BUT I DO!!!!!!!!!

Bullying from anons warm and cozy, oh to be tormented by people who knows which buttons to press and use this knowledge specifically to make you flustered, happy, and feeling silly. what's not to like!!

But honestly tho, i almost mentioned in the other ask i got today about whether i'm okay with my blog becoming an ask blog like this, but then i didn't bc i thought it might be mean spirited, but now i'm right back on it-- is that one undeniable perk of the anon is that i actually check my dash far less now.

And while there will always be content i will miss seeing (especially information post about irl issues which i do think are important to be aware of, or good arts, or what people i like on here are up to), by god am i not missing reading negative petty fandom stuff.

Even things i agree with leave me with a major bad taste in my mouth because when it's all you see, it just ends up being like poison tainting everything else.

Being able to take a step back, mostly enjoying the things you enjoy, and having the negative stuff being something you discuss with yourself, is much more freeing at the end of the day.

So in the end just genuinely messing around, being silly, making fun HCs just because why the fuck not, is really so, so much more enjoyable to me.

Like, sure, i've been scarred beyond repair by some stuff shared here, but that's the price to pay -- but in the end since i'm having fun, what's not to like yaknow?

so like, i actually genuinely appreciate the anons, they do stop me from doomscrolling and spiraling on most day because everytime it pulls me back into some comfort zone, even if it's to terrorize me in it. Sometimes it can take a bit for me to go back to the headspace needed to answer the anons -- but i take that, everyday, over just reading negative stuff that just ends up leave me spiraling alone with my thoughts yaknow?

So, actually, thanks y'all for deciding to terrorize my inbox -- this is, without a doubt, the best thing that ever happened to me 💞💞

#ichareply #ichasalty #anonymous #like the one key thing about it is that the person i was reading was a hater in ways i'm also a hater on some stuff #(+ a hater of something i actually like but in a way i understood but therefore made it worse) #so like. i was AGREEING with some it. or at least understanding the angle. the opinion was super insightful. also super depressing. #reading 2 years worth of someone's negative opinions on something that has goods and bads but therefore so much focus on the bads #it just... just leaves such a 'whats the point! what's the point!!' in my head that is so horrible #like. something something but i think socmed being so much about screaming into the void and all #means that thoughts lingers and echos without actually a place to resolve them #and you're left alone with them and overwhelmed as they accumulate #which will always be different from asks and discussions which are actually a back and forth yaknow? #and it's different to be part of the conversation than just reading after the fact #at the end of the day it's my bad for doomscrolling. i may not be smart. #but it's so easy to get caught into it especially when you agree because you want to hear more about this angle in particular #and before you know you went too deep and it's like ah. how do i get back to the surface again now. #it's good to address flaws in what you like... but i also think there's ways where it can become damaging especially when it's passively #ANYWAY IM JUST RAMBLING BUT AAAAAAARGHHHHHH #I LOVE YOU ALL THE ANONS IN MY ASKS. YOU MAKE RUNNING THIS BLOG WORTHWHILE. THANK YOU FOR DEEMING ME WORTH BULLYING ILYS

[themyscirah]

Just finished the Qi'ra saga (WotBH/Crimson Reign/Hidden Empire) minus some tie ins and I am....... not okay

Tragedy enjoyers you guys need to get on this one asap

#GOD- #characters that make me just.... #she literally succeeded is the wild part. like she was right there. it was happening. and then those idiots fucked it up but like she did it #i could go on about qi'ra for hours honestly #she's everything to me actually like you guys couldnt understand #wow i just.... #top 10 comics that im actually fucking obsessed with!!! #no because theres something that has to be said about star wars comics and how they exist as comics but are able to skirt around so many of #the rules of the genre #at least in the modern post lucasfilm buyout era #like its a comic but it exists #between canon events. like there are guidelines and places characters need to be #which i really think is the main reason why its so hard to make a horrendous star wars comic in this day and age #like they can be mid or engage with parts of canon you may not personally like but its REALLY difficult for them to be terrible since canon #is doing a good portion of the work #unfortunately the drawback there is that not enough people read the comics because theyre seen as just like unessential filler which like. #fine whatever i guess except they are SO fun and good #honestly i want to see more sharing back and forth between comicverse and the filmverse #like yeah its been done a bit but like i want more. sharing. back and forth #just like you all need to know i would commit horrible horrible crimes to see live action aphra. #good live action aphra. if they fuck her up somehow thats unforgivable honestly #bc like as i said comics cant get too bad bc of their spot in relation to the films the films and tv can and will fucking suck #and we need to protect my girl from that #blah #what was i talking about? oh the qi'ra saga #fucking LOVE the qi'ra saga. her character is so tragic and crunchy and just !!!!!!!!! #also very funny to me that my fave star wars characters range from like. qi'ra and aphra to like shmi and luke skywalker #like there is certainly a divide there #star wars #<<<<for organization

[marimo-o]

if anyone has any pictures of fish that look like THIS

please SEND THEM TO ME i would like to see them

#tw pet death #my fishy passed and i found her this morning so im. sad. if you're an irl and you see this like “why didnt he tell me” #itold like one person and am plannibg to just share when it comes up. like now when i only have 3 pictures #i didnt take many/any pictures of hwr because through glass is diffixult and i liked to just stare at her #but now i don't have anything to grieve over besides her empty tank which bums me out #but the nice part about having received a horribly manufactured fish is their appearance is pretty standard. abby was more diamond-shaped #well actually exactly like the picture. that may as well be her #except her tail was whiter #the moss mumbles #personal #pink neon tetra #tetra fish

[pepprs]

having some time alone in the hotel this week (which is abt to end bc we’re moving back home tmrrw even though the renovation isn’t finished 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪) and being able to have the bedroom to myself has made me think rebellious thoughts my family would be very offended over. like maybe i listened to less and less music these last few years due in part to the fact that ive spentmore time at home than i used to and i also lived on campus w roommates in a very uncomfortable arrangement and im unable to move freely about the cabin when im living w other ppl whose needs don’t align w mine and so ive just gotten used to not having all of my needs met and always being the person to take the short end of the stick…. but i actually need to be able to sing and dance and draw and do whatever and when im alone (which is almost never) im able to do that and that’s actually legit and as important as anyone else’s needs in a space i share w them. idk if i worded that well but yeah

#like yes it’s definitely that ive been depressed… but maybe that dynamic creates the depression. you know? #purrs #delete later #not to say this bc it’s BLASPHEMOUS but i was also thinking abt this in the context of my bday. i was happiest in the moments where i was ei #either alone (dancing / singing / whatever and doing karaoke w mtself at 2am LOLLLL and just enjoying having peace and quiet and being able #to do what i wanted) or at work (around ppl i choose to be with in a place i choose to be in). any time i was around my family i was #agitated and annoyed and maybe some of it has to do w the renovation and the fact that we were at home for like 4 hrs moving furniture bc of #the renovation but also… maybe it’s just i don’t enjoy spending ng time w them as much as i do other things. like passively spending time at #around them bc there’s ALWAYS noise or conversation or bickering or whatever. and also in part bc i share my bday w my twin sister so its #not actually *my* day it’s ours and we’re lumped together and treated as a unit and my parents have expectations abt that and whatever. idk. #i don’t want to be / sound selfish or ungrateful for my family or whatever bc being a twin has its perks and my family situation could be so #much worse and it’s not like i had a horrible birthday or it wasn’t acknowledged or whatever. but my point is… what if… there will come a #point in my life… where the majority of things i do / people im around / aspects of my environment are things i get to choose or at the very #least have a say in. what if someday my birthday can just be my birthday and not OUR birthday(which again is the evilest most horrible thing #i have ever said in my life i know i know i know but ummmmm being a twin has dealt some significant psychological damage to me and i am #still figuring out how to be an independent person and how to determine who i am outside of the context of that relationship which most ppl #at this age / stage in life have already had years to do). idk what i was saying i lost the thread but basically: i love having alone time #where i am truly alone and i get to sing and dance and make music and eat and whatever without being yelled at or having to be quiet or #getting overstimulated. and that is not to say that i do not appreciate company or would not want to live with other people. i think im #actually kind of an ambivert now where i used to be very extroverted. but i think my biggest thing is choice. i value choice so so so much. #which is ironic in some ways bc here i am not wanting to like mess up the original layout of my acnh island… idk. it’s situational but i thi #think w the big stuff choicemeans so much to me. and i wish that was more okay to my family than it is bc asserting myself and growing into #my independence has been and will continue to be an extremely painful and unpleasant process bc no one is happy w it lol. ok ive been talkin #talking A LOT more than i thought i would and i still have more thoughts but i need to stop and keep packing out the hotel lol. bye #‘being a twin has its perks’ sounds so terrible omg. i meant that like.. it is a gift to be a twin and i love my sister. AND there are parts #of it that fucking suck ass and hopefully those parts will recede once we are living separate lives and have gotten distance from dynamics

[danielnelsen]

my dad’s doing an amateur radio competition which is great for him and all, but the interference from his radio keeps crashing my computer and im in a Bad Mood

#today i was gonna finish the frostback basin and do the arbor wilds #and possibly finish the whole game because there’s not much after that #but it’s a 24hr competition so. fuck me. #the speed at which i got mad probably means it wasn’t gonna happen tho. i should have a nap or something #but on the note of this playthrough and getting it done…..i REALLY want to do the full game including all dlc #but idk how i’m gonna force myself to play trespasser. like it’s fun; that’s not the problem #but the point of this run is to get achievements and the only one left for this run is taming the dragon after the arbor wilds #im gonna have to push myself to finish the game after that (hence doing all the main game dlc before that) #idk if i can keep pushing through trespasser. not when i have plans for the next run #i don’t think i’ll be doing much other than the main quests for the next run tho and i’m fully accepting that before i start #i’ve just gotta play through on nightmare for the last 2 achievements #like i’ll do some side stuff to level (esp since i won’t have trials so i can actually over level) #but even if i wanted to i don’t think i could do much; i can’t play dai twice too close together it’s too much #im just determined enough about the achievements that i can probably do it #personal #ok i don’t KNOW that the last crash was because of the radio; it was during the horrible despair demon fight on the island #which (in addition to being VERY HARD) is also VERY gpu-intensive so maybe it just crashed naturally #but the radio did randomly crash my second monitor a few times this week and also crashed slay the spire a few hrs ago #so i think it’s reasonable to assume it played a part here. either way it IS crashing things