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princesscolumbia · 4 days

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It's been...

So something happened a week ago that is neither bad nor good, it simply is, and it's happened before, so thankfully the knowledge exists on how to manage and cope.

Now to explain.

Back in the 80s I experienced some mental trauma that hurt me so significantly I wound up 'splitting' into what we now call a system or a plural (I've also seen "plurality"). By the time I was in my early 20s, there were about 8-9 people rattling around in my head and the ones that got the driver's seat had proper names. Of course, at the time we only had Sybil as an "example" of "multiple personality disorder," so people like me kept our damn mouth's SHUT 'cause we knew the second we showed any sign of being neurodivergent in any way that resembled schizophrenic, we'd be marginalized HARD. The person in the driver's seat always (always) responded to my given name and assigned pronouns and never let slip there were whole conversations going on in my head as I was going about my day.

Around the middle 00s there began appearing in online spaces, mostly instant messaging spaces and BBS forums, where people began to express themselves as "multiples" and, I'll confess, the system that was me had too much programmed fear to be one (heh) of those brave souls. Nonetheless I started to see the acceptance (and the pushback) that has become more commonplace today.

Between 2015-2019 I experienced trauma so severe I was in CPTSD hyperarousal for a good chunk of it, which pretty much shattered my mental landscape. I was mentally just completely broken and had no way of really paying attention to more than the moment I was in. By the time I emerged from the 'fog,' I was functionally a 'singleton,' that is, not a system.

Starting earlier this year, there were a few signs that, in retrospect, should have made me well aware of something coming. I started feeling 'foggy' again, but I thought that was the depression and insomnia. The depression and insomnia were major contributors, as well, and REALLY should have been a wake-up call...but that's depression for you. I think the biggest "20/20 hindsight" indicator was starting to write "Double Isekai," a story about a single person who winds up isekai'ing into two people. This was in March.

One week ago yesterday I was in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher when I started, for lack of a better term, talking to myself and expecting an answer. I actually had the thought, "Things would sure be easier if I was a system again."

Considering I'm a transwoman and, with slightly different wording, that's classic egg behavior, the penny dropped and I figured out what was going on.

One week ago plus a few hours I sat my GF down and explained what happened back then, what was happening now, and that I was likely to 'split' soon. She just...accepted it. Barely batted an eye, made sure she still had the right pronouns, and went back to her computer.

I was so relieved I nearly cried. Before the divorce when I'd tried to 'come out' as a system to my then-wife, she had NOT reacted well. (And, in retrospect, it makes more sense how upset she was with me that I seemed so, in her words, "unreliable and inconsistent." All she ever knew of me was a 'guy' who kept changing behavior patterns in, to her, random ways)

As though my GF's acceptance were like permission, the split...happened. I could almost physically feel my head-mate separating from me.

And, as I'm sure you've guessed, I've been writing as though it was me going through all of this, and, more or less, it has. Since this split wasn't due to trauma and had been developing over time, it was far more organic and gentle. There wasn't a horrible tear where suddenly there's this nasty, goth punk with a scar around one eye, a penchant for black leather, and absolutely zero compunction to kill because of how traumatic the creation event was (yes, that was one of my alts in my original system, she was a nasty piece of work that never got a name and was never allowed the driver's seat, but did she ever enjoy hurting our stepmother) We both are full participating members with equal access to all our previous memories, even if we're looking at our past self with different lenses.

That's right, Bunnies, I'm back! The EGS fandom will know the name Helen from my days as "Dame Helen the Leather-clad." Even though I'm knight-emeritus now, I'm still quite proud of what we did during those years of the Order of the Bunny. Still she/her, still so very, very sapphic, and still a bit of a useless lesbian.

That said, there's been some changes.

I'm a dragon, along the lines of the crazy-famous Dragon HRT comic that's been super popular this year. If the body were mine alone and Dragon HRT were a real thing, I'd be partially covered in scales by now. I'm not as into gaming and music and art as my new other half is or the old me was. I'm a mother where the previous alt to bear my name was still trying to figure out how to people, and I'm the one with the head for numbers and driving and focusing on work. Also, even though I'm a woman with she/her pronouns, I'm NB and what might be called 'intersex' or 'futanari,' depending on what generation you're in and what part of the Internet you spend most of your time in.

Yes, I know, not a terribly creative name if you know my given name, but it's the one I chose when I emerged. I started out as what us systems call a fictive. If you go back into some of the comments sections on our writing on AO3, you can see references to proto-me scattered around and referred to as "the little author that lives in my head and looks an awful lot like Ranma-chan." On a somewhat silly note, though the pre-fully-realized version of me served as a sort of mental author for our previously unified self, I'm not the writer. That's Helen.

She/her, all girl, and SUPER sex-positive! I'm a bit (I'll confess) of a horny slut and since I'm bi/pan and Helen pretty much gave me control of the NSFW blog, you're probably going to start seeing more guys there than have shown up in the past. I've got a 'type,' though, and that type does NOT include facial hair or bears.

I can't STAND office work! One of our top priorities right now is to get something else...ANYTHING else to earn money so we can drop the office job we've been doing. It's boring anyway! I wanna get started on streaming, though I will NOT be streaming Star Trek: Fleet Command! That game is a bag of stress and I don't know how Helen plays it without wanting to hurt someone!

One thing that is pretty much ALL me is I like fitness! Before we knew fitness was good and it was something we learned to appreciate, but when I got all that I also got a LOVE for it! I can't wait to get back out there and run again! (...but it's getting into the hot season in Arizona, so we may not be able to just yet)

One amusing thing about this is we both realized we're redheads. The body is, sadly, very blond, but now we've got our first body mod goal we can both agree on and get behind.

Speaking of body mods, we're getting booba! I'm tired of being tiny in the chest 'cause of lousy genetics and craptastic HRT timing! We talked about it and our second major shared goal is saving up for top surgery. And we both want FFS and facial hair removal. Basically, I'm in charge of the body, which means FITNESS UPDATES!

That's right, I'm gonna be one of those annoying running fanatics and there's nothing you can do to stop me! 😆😆😆

In any case, expect changes as we figure things out. One thing we didn't really expect that has, nonetheless, had a pretty major impact is our energy level. It takes A LOT of sugars to keep us both going! There've been times one of us has basically taken a nap just to keep from burning too many calories before the end of the day.

Oh, and do you like these identifier bars? I made 'em! Turns out I'm the artist! If you want your own version for you and/or your alts, check out my new store on ko-fi!

#art commisions #system stuff #plural system

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daddyy333 · 2 years

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Marvel Oneshot Ideas

Okkk so I started writing a oneshot book about Marvel but I pretty much lost interest in it and I’m just gonna focus on one character and some of these ideas I’ve already used but you have full permission from me to use them

If you do use them can you please try to remember to tag me? I would love to see these ideas actually written out :) <3

RDJ

Y/n hears tony talking about how good of a wife she is backstage, he doesn’t know she’s there so she sneaks on and surprises him

You don’t think you deserve RDJ

supporting you through you first big movie, and even crying a little watching you in the premiere

RDJ is sick and being a big baby, your big baby

announcing your relationship on a red carpet

Tony stark

Tony is trying to seduce you, and you’re staying strong and rejecting him but then he pulls you in by your waist and you break

You are scared about being pregnant with Tony’s kid, since you guys never talked about kids and he has a lot of trauma from his dad and it takes a long time for him to fully warm up to the idea of the pregnancy

Tony trying to tell her that he’s in love with her

Y/n and Tony’s first time

“I don’t need help! I just want the pain to stop!” - you get severely hurt during a mission and you won’t stop refusing help even though you know it’s scaring the absolute shit out of Tony, you’re still new and don’t trust anyone

You go into labor at the tower but everyone’s out doing stuff, a few are on a small mission and the only person there is Peter and he’s freaking out

“that ass should be illegal” - you look too good at his party, and tony can’t handle it

Chris Evans

Y/n hears chris talking about how good of a wife she is backstage, he doesn’t know she’s there so she sneaks on and surprises him

When Chris realizes he’s in love with y/n

Fingering under the table during an interview

You and him have to do a sex scene together for the first time and he gets a really prominent boner

You had just started dating and 6 months later you were pregnant, and you couldn’t ruin his career and burden him with a baby so you left with just a note and his favorite perfume of yours, knowing he was going to miss you. You ended up homeless and after searching for weeks he found you in a homeless shelter and he got you healthy again and took care of both you and the baby you made together.

sick day

y/n gets tired and Chris let’s her nap on his lap while their on the couch and she turns over and her mouth accidentally ends up right on top of little Chris and Sebastian nearly wakes you up with how hard he laughs

Steve Rogers

Steve slowly falling in love with the new avenger

Y/n gets severely hurt and Steve freaks out

Keeping everyone up super late with yours and Steve’s moans and making the team upset

Peggy just died and he tells you that he can’t love anyone like he loved her and he tells you all this 5 minutes after you find out you’re pregnant with his baby, after trying for an entire year

You get pregnant and Steve’s really excited but you haven’t told anyone else yet and so the missions are really putting a lot of strain on you, and you get really hurt during a mission and have a miscarriage

losing his mind trying to find you after hydra captured you, and when he does you’re so traumatized he has to reteach your whole life to you, and then help you trust him since you are pregnant with his kid

You get super weak carrying Steve’s baby due to the super serum and your not strong enough to handle how much it takes to keep the baby alive inside of you and Steve gets really scared

you two fall into a big lake after a mission, and Steve gets really scared so you hold him and calm him down while the team finds you guys

Chris Hemsworth

Y/n hears chris talking about how good of a wife she is backstage, he doesn’t know she’s there so she sneaks on and surprises him

surprising him with the pregnancy of your second child, which you’d been trying for for 5 months, after he had a stressful day

cast members film you guys having a sweet moment on set

teaching your son to surf as you watch from the shallow end, drawing little patterns on your growing baby bump with sand and feeling the slight panic whenever James almost loses his balance

Him standing up for you when someone comments that your outfit is too revealing

Thor

Y/n constantly rejects him, and he is hopelessly in love and one day she starts to realize her feelings for him and finally says yes, and she hears run off to go tell the other guys and she finds it a little funny that he was so excited to finally be with her

You don’t think you deserve Thor

You get super weak carrying Thor’s baby due to the fact that he is a god and your not strong enough to handle how much it takes to keep the baby alive inside of you and Thor gets really scared and constantly blames himself

You lifting Mjolnir with ease, shocking him and making his feelings for you even stronger

Loki

Loki is scared because he doesn’t really know how to be in a relationship, he’s only ever had a few one night stands here and there and he wants to love y/n right

Loki feeling the baby kick for the first time

“You just…you make me feel things that I’ve never felt and it scares me”

“I don’t deserve you”

Wanda

Paprikash scene but with y/n

Frantically trying to heal you with tears in her eyes

You carry your first child together and Wanda uses her magic to occasionally help relieve pain when it gets too bad, and massage sore muscles which makes you fall in love with her even more

The hulk

The hulk being gentle with you vs being all mean and hurtful with everyone else

him going through with the smart hulk thing and pretending like he didn’t recognize you at first, scaring you

“What if I accidentally hurt you? Y/n I’m not the same boyfriend as your last I might not be the man of your dreams that you think I am”

Black Widow

“I want to have kids with you”

saves you from the red room and falls in love with you instantly

You being the only person who can beat her during sparring which makes her fall in love with you

She notices you distancing yourself, because she started spending so much time with Barton that she started blowing off dates to hang out with him and forgets you have a rough past of getting cheated on, especially with girls cheating on you with guys, so of course your first thought is that you’re not enough for her and she needs him too and she does her very best to make you realize it’s the complete opposite as to what you think

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domreader-headcannon-scenarios · 1 year

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This might seem like a pretty out of the blue question but, how do you feel about characters that, due to trauma or a bad past, act very aggressive and/or distant to hide their fear of being hurt again?

I'm asking because, in addition to characters from series like Black Butler (Ciel), Vanitas no Carte (Vanitas) and TWST, a lot of people tend to ignore their pain just to focus on how bad of a person they are/were.

I was reading a Chinese manhua I borrowed from my friend at her place, and the main female is a girl who acts aggressive and has a short temper but it turns out that she's trapped in an unhealthy and abusive relationship with a man who's obsessed with trying to bring back his dead wife. Why is it abusive? The man makes her wear a pendant that he monitors her with, uses emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation, gaslighting, threats of r*pe and murder to control the girl's life and keep her as his bodyguard for fuck knows how long. All the while, he sleeps with and steals the souls of several people, convinced that his wife would forgive him for his infidelity (?) and cruelty.

According to my friend, a lot of people who read the manhua dislike the girl because, aside from her temper and bluntness, she slapped the main protagonist for trying to help her (he said "I'm here to help you. Stop acting like this." which triggered some bad memories. He meant no harm, mind you.) even after learning of her relationship with the man, saying stuff like "She's a powerful mage, isn't she? She'll be fine." or "She shouldn't have slapped him. This is her karma for acting bitchy."

So as someone with severe trauma and a lot of fucking issues, there is SO MUCH to unpack here if I get into detail so lemme put this here

Ok, so I don’t mean this to offend/upset anyone, and let me say, everyone responds to trauma differently, the brain isn’t programmed to handle lifelong trauma which can lead to acting out or doing odd things as trauma affects the mental state of an individual

Trauma actually is proven to mentally age children people far faster as it forces them to ‘grow’ faster (ex: Ciel, Jamil, Riddle) which can have a huge impact on their life (almost never good)

If you act aggressive as an adult and hurt people, it doesn’t matter the trauma, you don’t have an excuse to hurt others physically or mentally, you are an adult, how you acts is on YOU. I’m told I’m overly nice (especially for someon whose literally died briefly and was physically/mentally abused for my entire child hood)

In childhood acting out with violence is common especially when uncomfortable or scared is normal and expected as they have no controlling their emotions.

Adults are different, irl im distant for dozens of reasons but I don’t take it out on people, and yes I’ve verbally gotten aggressive when accidentally (or intentionally) triggered by someone but I have a brain so I know to fucking apologize since trauma doesn’t excuse such inappropriate behavior.

For instance, I have trauma that some of characters above have, and less than others but I HATE seeing people use it to excuse shitty behavior (Twst is a HUGE example of this)

People react differently to trauma, that’s normal but once your an adult, do know you are responsible for your own decisions, for what YOU do. For instance, that woman from a manhua (idk what that is/ hadn’t read) has no right to physically slap another individual (especially one openigly stating they are tryna help) she could have fucking said ‘no’ or ‘go away’ or WALKED AWAY. Honestly she’s just making me dislike her based on that (like what was the trigger? I obviously don’t know the situation but it just seems like she wanted to take out frustrations on him)

I’ve been r*ped, beaten/abused, neglected, etc. for 23 YEARS NOW (OBVIOUSLY NOT FIR EVERY SECOND BUT STILL). How many people have I hit because of it? 0 (minus the ‘trigger’ I had while I was defending myself once but it did nothing, actually made things worse) how many people have I yelled at? A fuck ton. How many did I apologize to? Almost all of them.

I don’t give a shit when you yell at people in an argument but know this, you’re trauma doesn’t excuse what you say and due, it’s a fucking burden you’re stuck with , that has no upside. Yelling/attacking people is turning you into the monster and making others miserable and guess fucking what? OTHER PEOPLE CAN HAVE TRAUMA. What if you just fucking lashed out at someone more broken than you? You feel good now?

Lashing out isn’t a good option, she didn’t deserve what happened to her, but she has no excuse for harming the hero AT ALL, trauma isn’t an excuse to attack others to help yourself, yes when scared you want to fight but, APOLOGIZE... What, did she think hurting him would stop everyone who will and has ever existed from asking her the same thing? What if that hero has trauma and had a breakdown? Is that still ‘ok’ for her to do? No not unless it��s her abuser.

Like with that girl, aside from being resurrected and a husband, I’ve been through all the trauma she has since I was a young child (actually a lil more since there’s a LOT I’ve been through she hasn’t but I’m younger). And I’ve felt with it, so many time since then and I have breakdown often. I’ve had people who remind me of my abusive father whose almost killed me more times than I can count and I have literally permanent injuries from.

It’s ok to hurt but it’s not ok to hurt others(without concent), I know I sound like a broken record but it’s important to remember to an extent you can control your trauma, get therapy or have someone you trust who you can talk to about your feels.

Basically it’s ‘an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’ that will cause more issues and fix nothing

If someone slapped me for ASKING if they were ok, I’d fucking panic and cry, running the fuck away and avoid that person till I fucking die. Like. You hurt me for asking if you were ok. That’s not ok under any circumstances what the fuck? I’d rather die in a ditch than talk to you…at least the ditch won’t hurt me.

It’s just, so BAD to hurt someone over a circumstance like that, unless he racked her to the ground or smn that physical violence is uncalled for completely.

#ask #ask box #tw r*pe #tw ableism #tw assualt #tw truama

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waywardvictorianconfessions · 2 years

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You can treat this as NAC cuz long:

Being raised by two parents who have severe and untreated narcissistic personality disorder warped my view of acceptable behavior and I was used to making excuses for people’s horrifying actions. So as a teen I excuse the whole CosetteAlice situation as Emilie’s trauma being triggered, it’s not her fault because she’s bipolar, etc.

As an adult who has now been in years of therapy and is now about as old as Emilie was when she did that I am beyond horrified looking back. Her behavior was completely despicable and unacceptable. This wasn’t a face to face confrontation, it was in her forum. If she was upset and triggered by what people were saying she could’ve been the adult and walked away from her keyboard. Most of the people on that forum were definitely teenagers and I’m sure CosetteAlice was too. I think about her sometimes now and I hope she’s okay. I can’t imagine what I would’ve done as a teenager if someone I admired so much spoke to me in that way.

The forums being shut down was definitely for the best if that is how she acted towards pretty mild criticism. It greatly reminds me of my abusers who have the thinnest skin imaginable and go into personal attacks and extreme overreactions for even the most mild, warranted, good faith criticisms. It would be hard to deny that that doesn’t describe Emilie as well. The other way narcissists handle conflicts or criticism is to completely push things aside and lie about them or pretend that they didn’t happen. Even if it literally costs them friends they just pretend like the friends never existed. This also sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Cleansing the feed? Charlotte?

NPD also explains why she has not matured even though she is in her mid-40s now. Most people grow, and develop and change. My abusers still try to manipulate me using the tactics that worked when I was a young child who relied on them for care. Now that I’m a grown adult that is self-sufficient from them and know better it doesn’t work but they still try so hard. This is another key feature of narcissism and another reason why I do believe she actually does have NPD because they can’t admit their fault or believe they made mistakes they can’t learn from these mistakes. This is something most people who don’t have a personality disorder take for granted. If you tried a tactic and didn’t work you would do something else, right? Well a narcissist could never admit that they did something wrong at all. Has she ever apologized to anyone? Aromaleigh, Vecona, CossetteAlice, AngelSpit all deserve apologies to name a few people she stole from, lied to, or hurt.

People who try to defend the actions of narcissists or throw around “ableism” at people who criticize them make me so sad. I hope they’re just ignorant and do some research as to what this disorder actually is. And speaking of someone who has C PTSD and a long list of physical illnesses due to trauma (my GI tract is barely functioning due to chronic stress since birth and I take 2 medications every day for it) as a result of being abused by narcissists I can say that mental illness is never an excuse for abusive behavior. I don’t care what your diagnosis is or what you struggle with, it is never acceptable. The behavior of most narcissists is abusive and despicable and should be criticized. Emilie has many good qualities and talent and it’s a shame that her NPD prevents her from moving on or growing up like most of her fans have. I hope she gets the help she needs but the sad thing about NPD is they almost never do because that would mean admitting there is something wrong with the way they treat others and taking the steps and effort to change or control their very personality. I still wish her the best.

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warabidakihime · 2 years

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rant below. might delete later but feel free to share your thoughts ;~;

am i an asshole for not feeling as bad as i should for my mom's current health issues? she's been going to the hospital for several tests and treatments, and while i do feel bad, i also feel quite indifferent because of the emotional trauma i went through because of her. (because of my family in general, to be honest.) there were times when i needed emotional support, but she was absent, and most of the time she invalidated my feelings. one time, i collapsed right in front of her, but she didn't do anything. heck, she didn't even turn around to check up on me. her usual reasoning is i don't have the right to complain as she had it harder.

she has always been like that towards me. idk if i'm overreacting, but looking back now, i can feel some sort of jealousy or animosity from her. when i was younger, she would lash out at me for no reason. like, i'd just woken up and i was trying to strike up a conversation with her, but she replied so snarkily at me. since i noticed that pattern, i stopped initiating conversations with her unless it's very necessary. she treats me like trash and yet she expects me to help her and the household financially. tbh, i don't want to but i don't really have a choice right now as i can't afford to move out and, as much as possible, i want to avoid renting. if feasible, i want to save up for a humble residential lot and build my own home so i don't have to worry about monthly dues. i hate the uncertainty that comes with renting, so i want to avoid that. we lost almost all our properties before due to debt, and i've been traumatized by that.

nothing, im just feeling kinda icky right now because of her lol. i asked her this afternoon if there was any food (because if there wasn't, i would cook my own) and she answered sarcastically. like bitch, im working really hard here and this is what i get in return? hhh i'm so upset lol. and when she came back from the hospital, (or every time she comes back in general), i would notice how she would emphasize her discomfort like- 'i'm in so much paaain. feel bad for meee.' ah, idk what i'm saying anymore lol

#wbdk rambles #sigh

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ocpdramblings · 3 months

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I keep seeing TikTok talk about crises friends, and I feel like the definition is changing a lot but idk what to think about it.

At first I assumed that it was a friend only in crisis, who only perceived things that happened to them as negative. And to that I’m like, “well I’ve had a friend just like that. And I felt bad for them, because they were my friend”

And then I saw someone define it as “someone who doesn’t listen to your advice and keeps doing the thing that harms them” alright, don’t give them advice anymore. But if you define your friendship as one in which you are validated by your advice being considered, maybe they’re not the right person for you. I’ve had a friend that never listened to my advice. And yknow what? I realized they never wanted advice. Just a place to vent. Sometimes and as long as they checked in with me first to ask a. How I’m doing, or b. Permission to vent, I’d be fine. I’ll even take an apology after the vent bc sometimes meltdowns happen. People shouldn’t be expected to be in control of their emotions 100% of the time.

Well then I saw another comment, about how it’s someone constantly in another state of crisis, needing someone to be on their side completely, and never being there to support you in return. To that I’m a little more mixed. I have and have had friends who’ve had a crisis everyday. I have a lot of empathy (which is kinda overrated) and more importantly, a lot of patience. I love hearing about what’s bothering people, so that I can then ask why it is bothering them. I love knowing people. But there was a time in my life where I had someone that wouldn’t allow for me to not be on their side. And that’d be even if I chose a neutral stance, it was bad. And she never came to me to check in, or to ask about shared hobbies. Only talked to me about the crises. And to that, I’d say, that’s not a friend. Very distinctly not a friend. Now I don’t know if she would have supported me in times of need bc I used to very strictly be a “I don’t go to people when I’m upset”, so jury’s out on that one.

But sometimes I think about my close childhood friend who gave me the most amount of trauma, but who loved me incredibly. I suspect she has borderline, due to events in her youth, the way she reacted to things. As a close friend, trying to support her was difficult. And I think my connection with her is why I’ve developed my OCPD. She always perceived things negatively, she always was between everyone hates me or everyone loves me, always was sensitive to things people would say, hated everybody but couldn’t handle them hating her, etc. And truthfully? She wasn’t a great friend. She was never there for me emotionally, she was angry and hostile towards me several times, she’d make decisions that were hurtful to other people (the only time I ever really spoke my rejection), she was intense and liked hurting people. But oh did she love me. There’s…I have no doubts that she did. Even though she wasn’t there for me, even though she lied and framed me for something. She loved me. Just not in a good way. She was protective of me, incredibly loyal. If somebody said anything bad about me, or even implied it, she was feral on them. She was the first to respond to my triggers, and the first to shield me when somebody would try to trigger them. We had shared hobbies that we liked to talk about.

She is likely one of the contributing factors I have OCPD. She did several things I didn’t approve of. And yet, I cannot hate her at all. She was just a child when those things were done to her. I grew up with her and watched her over time create her coping mechanisms. I can’t hate her. She’s technically my abuser. And I don’t hate her. I just feel bad, and hope that she is well loved today.

It was her birthday a couple days ago. I wanted to reach out. But we haven’t talked in years. I don’t even know what she likes or what her hobbies are. It’d be a disservice to reach out to let her know I still care about her, to have her think about me. It’d also be a disservice to only reach out to her out of some kind of pity.

I’ve loved all my crises friends. I’ve had several. Most of my friends could be labeled crises friends. They’re a little more work, and a little more draining, but I’m already fully spent after interacting with a “normal” person. It’s not much extra effort. What is extra effort, in the face of someone you love?

#my post #personality disorder #cluster c #obsessive compulsive personality disorder #actually ocpd #ocpd #personal #anankastic personality disorder #borderline personality disorder #bpd

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briamichellewrites · 2 years

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Being pregnant while going through court ordered rehab was difficult. Jayde was craving heroin, but couldn’t leave due to the threat of going to prison for a few years. Her hormones were all over the place and there were times when every little thing made her want to cry. She also felt alone because she didn’t have the support from her friends, like she did when she was pregnant with Cody. Twelve months. Three of those would be spent pregnant.

The center she was in was for women who had gone through trauma. What was her trauma? Domestic violence. During sessions with her therapist, she talked about the abuse she had endured. Mike was present during one of the sessions and he listened to everything she had gone through. It was a lot. Both of her boyfriends abused her physically.

She was thrown against the wall, thrown to the floor, hit across the face, punched in the arm, kicked, had her hair pulled, punched in the eye, had objects thrown at her and on one occasion, choked. One of her boyfriends also gaslit her when she got upset. How did she escape? Her first boyfriend was arrested for crimes against children and drugs charges. Then, she escaped her second boyfriend by overdosing on heroin and being admitted to the hospital.

The nurses found her covered in bruises and cuts with a broken nose, a black eye and a broken foot. Her foot had surgery on it after she went through detox. She admitted that she had been beaten to the police. Tears filled her eyes as she looked down. Did he go to court? Yeah, he was arrested and charged with domestic violence and drug possession.

“The first few times, I tried fighting back but then, I gave up because it was just easier to take it. I should have learned the first time but.… I needed drugs.”

“No, the abuse was never your fault. Real men do not put their hands on a woman. I am so sorry”, Mike said.

“He’s right. Is there a history of abuse in your family”, the therapist asked.

Yes, with her mother. She experienced years of childhood sexual abuse by her mother’s boyfriends. Her mother also experienced sexual abuse and became an alcoholic because of it. What about her mother? She became a heavy drug user. For years, she was in and out of rehab, jail and prison for drugs. She was given up for adoption because her mother couldn’t take care of her, due to her addiction.

After being discharged, she was given to a fire station under the Safe Haven law. She grew up in the foster care system until she was thirteen. That was when she moved in with a guy she thought was her father. He was actually a conman, who stole five hundred million dollars from her under the guise of putting it into investments. She sued him and got the money back. He was also heavily involved with drugs. What about her father? Did she know who he was? Yeah.

“He’s a recovering prescription drug addict and alcoholic. I don’t have a relationship with him because he’s not a nice guy.”

“You were surrounded by drugs and addiction.”

“Yeah, my mom. She has severe mental health problems because of her trauma. Dissociative Identity Disorder, bipolar disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder.”

“What about you?”

“I have ADHD.”

She had the genetics for addiction. It was inevitable that one day, she would use also drugs. She was repeating her mother’s mistakes. The only difference was, she was not self medicating extreme childhood sexual abuse. What was her childhood like? It was musical. That was the only way she could describe it. She started her career at the age of eleven after passing an audition with a record label. After being signed, she started working on her first album while being moving around in the foster care system.

She won her first Grammy when she was thirteen and then again, when she was fifteen. When she was fourteen, she was allowed to smoke marijuana and drink. She was spoiled. They laughed a little. It was not an average childhood but she didn’t regret starting her career so young. How come? Because she was able to experience things that other kids didn’t get to do, like making albums and touring.

Music had always been there. She could go to the piano and write songs or play Elton John for the millionth time. Now, she could write songs for other artists. She didn’t regret anything from her life, except her drug addiction. Mike had never known that about her. He mentioned how he had met her when she was thirteen and how he had watched her grow up. Ever since she was fourteen, they had their concerns about her substance use but she always had it reeled in.

Then, they discovered she was using drugs and they saw her changing. Before, she was energetic, full of life and one of those people who was a social butterfly. Then, she became secretive and moody. He didn’t believe it, or he had been in denial, until he and his best friend broke into her house and found her fighting with her boyfriend while both of them were under the influence.

They both saw needles on her bedside table. His heart broke because he had to confirm it with himself. She was a drug addict. He asked her who introduced her to drugs. She admitted it was Heath. He introduced her to cocaine and then he showed her how to shoot up heroin. With that, he leaned forward and covered his eyes as he started crying softly. Why was he crying? Because he was so angry with him. If he wasn’t dead already, he would kill him.

He wiped his eyes and apologized. She rubbed his back. Thanks. When he got back to the studio, he gave the guys an update on how she was doing. The therapy session went well. They talked about her pregnancy, childhood, parents and Heath. She confirmed he had been the one who got her into drugs. The first time she used cocaine was with him. He then showed her how to shoot up heroin and then, smoke it.

He was not the violent type but he wanted to kill him. They could understand his anger because he had taken her away from them. Brad asked if he needed a distraction. Yeah, thanks. With that, they went back to work, as Cody came in with his water bottle. He had spent all day in kindergarten, where he was learning how to read and write his name. C-o-d-y. His last name was more difficult. Bourdon-Delson. He was starting to lose teeth, which he was excited about.

He was not the three year old toddler he used to be. Because he was in kindergarten, he was one of the big kids! Yavneh Hebrew Academy was the school he attended. It was a private school with tuition. Because Rob and Brad wanted him to have a Jewish education, they both covered the tuition fees to send him there. He had homework, which he put down on the table next to Dave before getting on the chair.

“Oh, is this for me”, he joked.

“No, it’s for me!”

“Phew. I thought I was in trouble!”

The guys laughed.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @jovichic-bonjovi4ever @borhap-au @beneathashadytree @duffs-shot-glass @geo-winchester @lokolokong-manunulat

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phoenixyfriend · 3 years

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SW Prequels "Watch Your Own Series" AU

Does anyone have any "characters watch their own series, things change" recs? Because right now I have a concept stuck in my head and I'm going to be very upset if it doesn't already, to some degree, exist.

Mostly I'm just imagining like

The Prequels group mid-TCW gets to watch The Prequels and possibly TCW08 and like YES everyone is horrified about baby murder 1.0, but then they watch baby murder two-point-oh with the revelation of Skeevy Sheev, and someone quietly comments in the vein of "that makes the timing of Shmi's capture very suspicious, do we have any way of finding out if it was deliberate?"

And Anakin leaves the room to enter a supply closet and just S C R E A M and Obi-Wan just quietly says "well at least the screaming is a better coping mechanism than murder." "he still--" "I know, Mace, I am grasping at straws here."

(What Prequels Group? IDK. Some Jedi and clones. It's happening in the Temple. Whoever I need for maximum controlled chaos.)

So I was discussing this on discord and @atagotiak asked:

Should they watch tcw before or after knowing Sheev is evil? Because he’s transparently pretty evil in tcw but all the same, there’s some plausible deniability most of the time I think he acts directly as a Sith once or twice but he usually has a mostly-face-obscuring hood That doesn’t hide his identity at all effectively but whatever

Aaaaaafter I think

Mostly for "I want people to have some sympathy for Anakin being transparently groomed for seven seasons" reasons, instead of seven seasons of everyone side-eyeing Anakin for being the transparently evil one, when Skeevy Sheev is right there.

I just want Reasons for Anakin to leave the room and scream every little bit as people quietly come to the conclusion that uhhhhhh he needs a mandatory psych hold until further notice, maybe

NGL there's the possibility of Anakin just like. When the council is debating what to do about Sidious because clearly he has backup plans and is a solid fighter, Anakin just escapes through a window and hunts the man down himself.

It's caught on camera and given that Anakin is like That and alone, everyone just kind of reads into it as a psychotic break manifesting in extreme violence due to war trauma (which it arguably is) and then the red sabers come out.

ANYWAY this is all an excuse to have Anakin screaming in a closet while everyone else in this situation just awkwardly looks at each other like "what do we do with the guy that killed babies? It wasn't in a region where there's any legal consequence but it's definitely something that needs repercussions but also we need him for this bullshit war that Skeevy Sheev cooked up, so like..."

"Should we... invite Senator Amidala? To whatever this is?" "Why?" "I mean she definitely has more of an influence on him than anyone else, so--"

OH SHIT

SHIT SHIT SHIT

There BETTER not be any clones in the room when they watch RotS. The order is given and suddenly people are shooting and Jedi are panicking but they've all been on edge since this bullshit started and there's more of them than there are clones, so what ends up happening is sudden sedation of the several clones in the room and "okay we gotta binge-watch this interquel series to figure out what the FUCK just happened and how to fix it."

Unfortunately, it doesn't come up for, what, five and a half seasons? They can't binge-watch all at once for that long unless there's time-warping happening, or it gets suspicious. If they spent twelve hours a day, every day, watching TCW (especially if you tossed in the '03) it’d still take way too long.

So...hm... ask Artoo to process all the video to find the relevant bits.

@purronronner informed me that this is cheating. So be it. They shall cheat!

(Well, or a data-processing droid of some sort.)

Tia asked:

Imagine how much R2 would swear while going through all of this Also is this before or after Hardeen? Also fun, pretty sure before Hardeen means before Maul

Let's go with before.

At least one person points out how stupidly pointless the entire thing is for ANY goal that isn't Getting Obi-Wan Killed and Ruining Anakin's Brain, now that they know Skeevy Sheev is the big bad and had GOALS about Anakin's mental health going kaput.

"THAT FUCKER'S A L I V E?????"

Tia: Oh, hey. Also a thought. The entire council finding out about Anakin’s marriage is, of course, bad for Anakin. You know what’s worse? The entire council finding out about the pear thing. Or the sand thing.

And

Purrs: fkdkkdkdkfkfkc not only did he have a romance, but he got a romance by doing THAT what the fuck, Skywalker the relationship means Code consequences, but the pear thing and the sand thing mean embarrassment forever

Killing babies results in therapy and removal from the field and people never bring it up unless absolutely necessary... but the sand monologue is grounds for eternal mockery.

The (remaining) Council members awkwardly shifting during the "you can't be a Jedi" conversation because like. They didn't KNOW he was a slave when they had that conversation, but presented like this, it's.... really obvious how it looked to bb Anakin.

The council: We didn't know you were a slave, we thought you'd just be going back to a loving family in safety.

Anakin: WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED.

Anakin is. Not correct.

(It was really Qui-Gon's fault for not mentioning it earlier.

ANYWAY

The absolute batshit response people would necessarily have to AotC as presented, because part of it, like, they're having fun watching Obi-Wan be confused as hell on Kamino (the clones in attendance are fondly despairing at how unprepared the Jedi actually are), and rolling their eyes at Anakin's deeply inept romance attempts, and then the horrifying Shmi death, and people are feeling sorry for Anakin because he held his mother as she died after what was clearly an extended period of time being tortured, etc....

And then he confesses to murder on screen, and the video is paused and people start yelling to get answers and demanding an explanation and so on, and otherwise being very "Anakin what the fuck" while Anakin himself is, as expected, freaking out and being very defensive,

And then the movie starts back up and everyone turns to see Ahsoka hit the button and she pauses it again and says "I just... it seems like the timing is a bit suspicious, right? Why was she kidnapped then? And--and Master's never been prone to visions before, so why about her this time? Why right as the war is starting and everyone's so high stress? Why now when he and Obi-Wan were separated? It just... I dunno, when I see it patched together with the clone stuff and how we don't know anything about what's going on there either, I just... I dunno. I was hoping if we kept going, a Sith would show up and start monologuing or something."

"..."

"Skyguy definitely did something wrong and I'm trying not to freak out about that, but also the timing is really sketchy, especially since I'm pretty sure Tuskens don't... usually do that? The torture bit, and killing that many people trying to retrieve the person."

Tia: If they don’t catch on that it’s sus in aotc, rots will give it some interesting perspective Like. Aotc alone isn’t too telling, but if his only other vision leads to that? I don’t think he ever has a vision in tcw anyways

#star wars #the clone wars #anakin skywalker #ashoka tano #obi wan kenobi #anidala #mace windu #watch your own series au #death mention #phoenix posts #star wars clones

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beepboop358 · 3 years

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Anti-Byler Argument Refuttals

Although I discussed all of this in my Byler Proof master slides post, I wanted to do a separate post specifically just refutting the most common anti-byler arguments.

1. "Mike and El's relationship is too developed" and "They have been through too much together to break up now!"

This is probably the thing I hear the most when people argue that Byler will never happen. The weirdest part of this argument is that people assume that they will never drift apart, and that they will never ever break up, as if we didn't just see them drift apart, break up, and not officially get back together in S3? Yes, they have both been through a significant amount of trauma, but their relationship is not as developed as people think it is, they barely even know each other really. They spent a week together in S1, then El was gone for a year. Mike and El don't reunite until the very end of S2, probably a few days after halloween. If we work out the timeline between Halloween of 1984 and July 4th of 1985 in S3, that's 246 days, so it's actually less than a full year they have spent together, getting to know each other.

The “development” people argue that Mike and El have just doesn't stand up. Mike and El do not have intimate conversations, their conversations are incredibly awkward, and they just kiss frequently in the beginning of S3 before they break up. That's not development. Hopper even refers to their constant kissing as "not normal and not healthy." Mike couldn't tell El he loves her to her face, which is a parallel to the failed relationship of Stancy where Nancy couldn't tell Steve she loved him, and we later find out it's because she doesn't, which all happens during the blank makes you crazy scene that is extremely similar to Robin's coming out scene. And yes, Mike and El have endured a lot of trauma together, but so has the rest of the group and people don't seem to use this argument the same way with the other couples, or between the friendships. History doesn't determine the future if there's no feelings involved, things can always change. This is idea of staying in a relationship where there is no real love but there is history/benefits is hinted at in S3 when Mike dresses almost identically to both of his parents.

2. "Look at how much Mike cares for El! They're in love!"

No, they're not, and how they treat each other proves that they're not. I firmly believe neither Mike nor El is seriously, romantically in love with each other.

If Mike was really deeply, romantically in love with El, why did he treat her like he did in S3? If he really cares about her that much, why did he wait for Lucas to guide him at all times in matters regarding his relationship with El, instead of just taking initiative, but he does take initiative with Will? Why can't her apologize to her? Why wasn't Mike more upset about El dumping him? Why couldn't he tell El he loves her to her face? Why did he consistently lie to her throughout the whole show? Why did he stop calling her in S2? Why did he give up and say she was dead, but never gave up on Will? Why did he scream in her face in S1? And no - it isn't because he's just shy or awkward. Mike doesn't act like he is truly in love with El because he isn't. He is projecting his feelings for Will onto El, and he is deeply in denial about his sexuality due to his internalized homophobia and hasn't fully processed how he feels about Will throughout the series (up until the ending of S3). And why does Mike have such an odd reaction to El saying she loves him if he does love her? If he loves her that should be exactly what he wants to hear, so why does he look so confused and scared? And why doesn't he just say it back right then?

El isn't seriously, romantically in love with Mike. They meet in S1, and he immediately takes her in, saving her life. He looks out for her, and actually cares if she is okay, and no one has ever done that for her before. El was abused her whole childhood until Mike lets her live in his basement. He was the first person to treat her like a human being, and show her compassion, which she has never experienced before. It makes total sense that she would cling to their relationship like a security blanket. Mike is an emotional attachment for El. He makes her feel safe, because of how he saved her life previously. El has very limited knowledge of love, life, friendship, relationships, and social behaviors since she was locked in a lab for over a decade of her life, she was never truly exposed to these concepts like the other kids in the party were. Everything El thinks she knows about love she learns from watching soap opera's alone in Hopper's cabin. Of course her perception of what romantic love is, is warped. If El was seriously romantically in love with Mike, why was their break-up no big deal to her? Why was she smiling, laughing and looking at pictures of boys with Max right after she supposedly dumped the love of her life? Why did she not seem even the slightest bit upset about it the entire season?

If they're both seriously in love, then why are their interactions so awkward to watch and why does it feel so unnatural and forced? Why don’t Mileven’s interactions feel romantic? The official released scripts on 8flix describe several Mileven scenes as "awkward". It's no coincidence that detail was included in the script.

3. "But they already have Robin"

I mean this comment basically means that sense the show already has one confirmed lgbtq+ character, there can't possibly be any others. What?! There isn't a "one gay character limit per TV show". This comment really bothers me because it reeks of homophobia. If you don't ship Byler that's fine, but refusing to even explore the possibility there could be more than one lgtbq+ character in a TV show just because one already exists? Yeah no. Queer people existed in the 80's, definitely more than just one, so capping out the amount of queer characters in the show is just icky.

Also, Robin was not originally written to be a gay character. It was decided during the filming process that Robin should be a lesbian, because Maya Hawke and Joe Keery were not getting romantic vibes between their characters. Just because the show introduced a new gay character in S3, it does not mean the queercoding of Will and Mike is erased to make room for Robin, and keep Mileven together. Making Robin a lesbian, does not cancel out Mike and Will being gay/liking each other, and the show's future plans for byler.

4. "Mike's not gay."

Does this seem straight to you?

Giving your girlfriend a drawing of your male best friend, that was drawn by him, but telling her it's your drawing so she'll hang it up on the wall you coincidentally face while you make out with her, to remind you of him.

Taking your girlfriends hands off of you while you're making out with her, and keeping your hands folded in your lap away from her.

Only being able to apologize to said male best friend and being more emotionally invested in that relationship than your relationship with your girlfriend.

Mike is the only other person besides Will pictured in close up shots with rainbow and fruit imagery.

Even the die-hard Mileven fans have to admit that's more than a little coincidental, and if we know anything about the Duffer brothers, it's that they love incorporating intricate details in their show to reveal things about the characters/plot.

If you want more examples, some images, or just a more in-depth analysis of byler throughout the series, I suggest you check out my Byler Proof master slides :)

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nocturnalwildflower · 3 years

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hurt; asher adams

summary: y/n finally opens up to asher about suffering from mental illnesses and self-harming

warning(s): SELF-HARM, depression, anxiety, cursing, mentions of parents dying, trauma, asher being cute af (not a warning but prepare yourselves hehe)

wc: 5.0k

A/N (PLEASE READ): I hope you all enjoy this and I lowkey got the idea from my own struggles with depression and anxiety, and I wanted to shine a light on self-harm although I haven’t experienced it personally. Please do not read this is self-harm or depression is a trigger for you as the whole basis of this one shot is self-harm and depression and the demons you face. Remember it’s okay to talk, and if you’re suffering, PLEASE get help. This one shot is an in-depth reality of depression that most people don’t know about and the aftermath of a depressive episode

masterlist ♡ prompt list

It was no secret to the Baker family that Y/N suffered with depression and severe anxiety because of her past. When Y/N’s parents passed away in a horrible car accident when she was only 6, Laura and Billy had no hesitation when it came to adopting her as one of their own as they were best friends with Y/N’s parents. It became apparent early on that Y/N suffered from depression and anxiety due to the trauma she had experienced, therefore the Bakers’ tried everything they could to make her feel safe, welcome and happy as well as sending her to therapy. The majority of the time, Y/N had a really good handle on things and went years without having a depressive breakdown, however, this year marked 10 years without her parents. The closer the day came, the more breakdowns she suffered, and Y/N couldn’t help but wonder why her parents had to die that day.

Not that she didn’t appreciate everything the Bakers’ have done for her, but she couldn’t help but wonder how much happier she would be if her parents didn’t die in that accident; how she wouldn’t be suffering and feeling like the only release was self-harming. She was too embarrassed to tell anyone how she was feeling, so she just resorted to self-harm as a way of releasing the pain, which seemed to be working. Her thoughts were interrupted when Billy knocked on her door and peaked her head in.

“Hey sweetie. No school again today?” he asked in a heavyhearted tone. Honestly, it broke his heart to see Y/N suffer with depression and begin her spiral into a depressive episode. He knew that there was only so much they could to for her, which included getting her a therapist whom she sees off and on depending on how bad her depressive breakdowns are. Y/N let out a sigh before responding.

“Next week, I promise!” she said in a somewhat cheery tone. Billy knew that this was just a ruse to get him to leave her room, however it did the opposite and he took a seat next to her on the bed.

“Sweetie, I think it’s time we put in a call to Dr. Morales and get you some appointments set up. We all love you so much and we hate seeing you suffer like this … please consider it,” he said, and Y/N’s eyes began to fill with tears. She knew that things were getting out of hand if he was suggesting therapy again, and she knew it meant she was going to have to face her demons yet again. Her lip began to quiver before she let out a cry, burying her head into his shoulder while he consoled her. She continued to sob, not knowing how to control her emotions and letting out as many tears as she could to get rid of the pain, even if it only a temporary form of release. Eventually, she had calmed herself down enough to speak to him.

“Billy, thank you so much for everything you and Laura have done for me over the past 10 years. I know this is hard to deal with, having a daughter with mental health issues, but I’m trying so hard to battle these demons like I have all the other times, it’s just too hard for me to do this alone …” Y/N said while wiping away her tears.

“You’re not alone Y/N. You have all of us here, and we will continue to support you until you are better. You know how much we love you and you know how much you’ve impacted our life, in a good way, but I think maybe it’s time to be honest with Asher about it … he’s going to find out eventually, and maybe if he knew what was happening, he could help you through this with us,” Billy said. He knew that having her boyfriend by her side through this battle would help her drastically; Y/N looked at him with a sorrow look in her eyes before responding.

“I-I know I need to tell him … I’m just not ready for him to see me this vulnerable yet. I promise, I’ll tell him when I’m ready,” she replied in a raspy voice. He smiled before giving her a kiss on the forehead and leaving her alone to be with her thoughts. No one knew she had been self-harming, so it was easy for them to leave her alone for the duration of the day; she hadn’t done it in a few days, and although there was a small voice inside her head that kept telling her to just pick up a blade and do it. She waited until she heard the front door close, signaling everyone was gone, before getting up and heading towards the bathroom. Y/N inhaled sharply before she opened the drawer where she kept her tools, staring at the blade for a few seconds, contemplating if this was the right thing to do and thinking about what Billy said to her. “We all love you so much and we hate seeing you suffer.” They loved her and they had given her so much, so why couldn’t she just let this go and stop? She inhaled sharply before picking up a blade, bringing it to her skin, and cutting, letting out a small whimper as the blood began to come out from her skin.

Back at school, Asher knew something was up with Y/N. The twins kept telling him that she was sick, but she had been dodging his calls and texts all week. He knew something was wrong because even if she was sick, there was no reason why she was avoiding his calls; usually all she wanted when she was sick was to cuddle with him and spend time with him. He decided to pull out his phone and text her one last time to see if maybe she was in the mood to talk about what was going on.

Hey baby, I know we’ve barely talked at all this week but I just wanted to say that you’re an amazing girlfriend and I can’t wait until you’re better so I can come see you!

He knew she more than likely wouldn’t respond, which wasn’t like her at all. To his surprise, his phone vibrated, and his face lit up when he saw that it was Y/N’s contact. The text was just a simple “You too,” but that was enough for him to have some concerns … she was always one to use emojis for almost everything and would usually get upset if he wasn’t using them enough.

“Okay guys, seriously what’s happening with Y/N? It’s almost like she’s fallen off the face of the earth, she’s hardly answering any texts, and she hasn’t been to school all week… I know she isn’t sick,” Asher said as he caught up to Jordan and Olivia after the final bell rang. Jordan let out a sigh, knowing that it wasn’t up to him and Olivia to tell him what was really happening with her however he knew they had to tell him something to get him off their backs.

“Asher, it’s just best that you talk to her yourself, it’s not up to Olivia and I to tell you what’s going on with her, it’s her choice on whether she wants you to know. I’m home by myself tonight, why don’t you come over and see her for yourself?” Jordan replied in a somewhat annoyed tone.

“Sounds good,” Asher said before getting into his car. He knew Jordan had a point, it wasn’t up to him and Olivia to tell him what was happening with his girlfriend. He hadn’t told her yet, but he was in love with her and cared about her more than anyone even realized. The boys on the team constantly made fun of him for how much he cared about her, but now he was beginning to think something else was going on with her. Was she cheating on him and couldn’t tell him? Did he come on too strong and force her into a relationship when she wasn’t ready? Did she want to break up and felt like couldn’t say anything to him about it? These thoughts kept flooding his mind from the time he walked in the door of his house until the time he left to go hang out with Jordan and get to the bottom of this behaviour.

Later on that evening, Y/N was sitting quietly watching her favourite show when she heard a knock on her bedroom door. She already knew it was Jordan because he was the only one home that night, so she closed her laptop and told him to come in. He peaked his head in before opening the door wider to reveal her boyfriend Asher, angering her.

“Jordan, I said I didn’t want any visitors. Asher included!” Y/N said angrily. Jordan just shrugged before mumbling a quick ‘sorry’ and turning around to exit her room, leaving Asher alone in her doorway. She rolled to face the opposite side of the room in order to avoid looking at him, hoping that he would get fed up with her and leave, however this act did the complete opposite.

“Y/N, you’ve been couped up in this room for over a week now … You’re dodging everyone’s calls and texts, skipping school, sulking away in your room and shutting us out. This isn’t like you at all, what is happening?” he asked in a soft, loving tone. Asher wanted her to open up about why she was feeling this way, even though he knew it was because the anniversary of her parents’ death was coming up. He had seen it before, she usually got sad for about a week but was okay otherwise, however this was different and something he had never seen before; he has never seen her shut her friends out and completely isolate herself from the rest of the world.

“Asher go away,” Y/N mumbled to her boyfriend as she sat up, staring at him with a somber look. Asher moved closer to her, eventually sitting on the end of her bed and staring into her gorgeous eyes. He could tell something was wrong with her; her hair was up in a bun that looked like it hadn’t been taken out in days, her eyes were puffy, the colour in her face was gone and she looked like she hadn’t eaten in days either. He hated seeing her suffer like this and knew he had to do something about it.

“Y/N, please tell me what’s happening. I want to be here for you, but I can’t unless you open up and tell me what’s wrong,” he responded, keeping his eyes on Y/N.

“It’s been 10 years Ash, 10 years since I last saw or spoke to my parents and I can’t even explain to you how much pain I’m in because of it. I’m so fucking embarrassed that it’s come to this, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I was feeling and tell anyone how bad my depression had gotten, so I found another way to cope with the pain …” Y/N replied in a somber tone. She inhaled sharply before lifting up her sleeve hesitantly and exposing her forearm. Realistically, this was not a conversation she was prepared to have with him; quite frankly she never wanted him to find out and she was hoping this would all blow over before she needed to tell him. Y/N tried her best to keep the tears from rolling for her face, but they slowly started to fall from her beautiful Y/E/C orbs. She felt like she was being weak, risking her relationship with Asher by being vulnerable and showing him how much she was struggling.

Asher kept his eyes fixed on Y/N’s forearm. There was a slight discolouration where she had cut her arm with a razor blade recently as well as some faded scars further up her arm. He felt completely infuriated with himself that he let his girlfriend go through this alone and that she felt like she couldn’t come to him for help. He knew something was up when she never wanted to spend the night with him, but he blew it off because he didn’t want to pressure her into anything she didn’t want to do. He began to ponder about why she never came to him for help, until he realized that he had been so focused on keeping his endurance up during the off season and focusing on the next football season that he completely neglected her. Asher took Y/N’s hand into his, interlacing their fingers while gently lifting her chin so their eyes met.

“Y/N I’m so sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t come to me with this. I’m so angry that I let you go through this alone and made you believe that I wouldn’t support you. I want you to know that I’m still here, and I don’t plan on leaving. I’m here baby, you don’t need to hold on to this alone anymore because we’re going to get through this together. You have no idea how much better my life is because you’re in it, you have no reason to ever doubt this relationship and I’m not going to lose you because of your mental health,” he said, bringing his lips gently to her. More tears began rolling down her face as he continued to kiss her, placing his hands on her hips and pulling her closer to him. She gently pulled herself away from him before speaking up.

“Ash, you were so busy with training and I didn’t want to bother you with this because-” she began before Asher cut her off.

“Y/N enough. You and your mental health are much more important than anything right now, I’m here for you and we’re going to get through this because I love you so much it fucking hurts. Watching you spiral into a depressive episode is not something I want to see happen and I would do anything for you, you know damn well I’m not letting you go through this alone,” he replied with a smile. Y/N felt the butterflies in her stomach when she heard him say it. Those 3 little words. The words she thought she would never hear anyone tell her. I love you. She couldn’t believe that Asher Adams actually said that to someone like her when he just witnessed her in a state of depression. Y/N tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear and looked at him with loving eyes.

“Y-you love me?” she asked in a quiet tone. Asher gave her a confused look and laughed.

“Who wouldn’t? Y/N, you are hands down one of the best people to be around and you always make sure everyone is always having a good time. You’re smart, kind, caring, beautiful … the list could go on all day. You have no idea how happy I was when you agreed to go out with me, and I’m so thankful for everything you’ve done to help me and how happy you’ve made me. Now it’s time to get you back to being as happy as you were when we first started dating. I’ll say it again, Y/N Y/L/N I fucking love you, despite the demons you are currently battling” he said in a soothing voice, leaning in and pressing his lips to hers again. Y/N gently placed her hand on his neck and pulled him closer so that he was laying on top of her. She had to admit that it felt good to finally have this burden off her shoulders and she felt so much better now that Asher knew the truth. He pulled away and looked her up and down before speaking.

“Why don’t you spend the night at my place? You’ve been couped up in this room for over a week and a change of scenery might be good, plus if you’re up for it we could talk about all of this. Like I said Y/N, we’re going to get through this together because I love you,” he said in a soft tone, caressing her cheek and leaning in for one more small kiss. Y/N looked at him with loving eyes and smiled before she responded.

“I love you too … please take me home with you, that’s all I want right now babe,” she whimpered out in a soft voice. Asher proceeded to pack her a bag with everything she needed to spend the night at his place and grabbed her hand, gently leading her down the stairs and into his car. She had to admit that even something as small as leaving her bed made her feel better to some degree, but she knew this was only one small step towards beating this illness.

As soon as they walked in the door, Asher sat her down and made them both something to eat, making sure her meal was full of food that made her feel happy, however the smile on her face quickly faded when the food was placed in front of her. Demon #1: having to eat your first meal after a depressive breakdown. Asher picked up on this behaviour rather quickly and placed his hand in hers, grabbing her attention.

“I know it’s going to be hard for you to eat after that depressive breakdown, but you haven’t eaten in days baby. You need food in your system, please just try,” he said in a heavyhearted tone, earning him a half-smile and a small nod from his girlfriend. Truth be told, she didn’t want to eat; she was too embarrassed about what had just happened and was so emotionally exhausted to think about anything, her mind kept drifting and she kept thinking about how much she wanted this moment to be over so she could sleep the pain away. Y/N finished about half the food her lovely boyfriend had made for her, however this was more than enough to satisfy him, he was just proud that she tried for him.

After they finished eating, Asher took it upon himself to de-tangled Y/N’s hair from the bun it had been in before leading her to the shower and helping her strip down, knowing that she was too emotionally exhausted to do it all herself. He joined her in the shower, helping her wash her hair and comb it out, in addition to making sure her body was clean. He always kept a bottle of her shampoo, conditioner and body wash as his house, just in case she ever needed it while staying there. He made sure he had a warm towel for her afterwards and helped her brush her teeth; he picked her up bridal style, bringing her into his bedroom and gently laying her on the bed, staring into her eyes that were still as beautiful as the first time he looked at them.

Y/N laid her head on Asher’s chest, eyes focused on the movie that was playing on the flat screen television in front of them. He was too busy admiring her, thinking about how much he loved her and how lucky he was to have a girl like her, despite what she was going through. Her breathing was stable and somehow, she seemed to look even more perfect than earlier; she was playing with the hem of Asher’s shirt and turned to face him, catching him staring at her. She gently pushed herself up, closing the gap between them and bringing their lips together when his hands found their way around her waist, positioning her body on top of him. Her hands found their way to his head, ruffling his hair up while he pulled her in tighter, moving his lips from her mouth to her neck while mumbling a quick ‘I love you’ and placing his hands on her bum, before she stopped him.

“Asher I can’t … I can’t have sex with you this just isn’t the right time,” Y/N said in a fearful but quiet voice. Demon #2: being intimate with him after he just saw you in a vulnerable state. She began to tremble and proceeded to let out a small cry, releasing the tears she was holding in and placing her head in the crook of his neck. He began to slowly rub her back and coo in her ear to calm her down.

“Woah Y/N, that’s not what I was doing my love. Of course I want to have sex with you and show you how much I love you, but right now if definitely not the time. You don’t owe me anything, especially not your virginity, I love you whether we have sex or not. Just come here, try to stay calm and breathe babe,” Asher cooed as he let Y/N sob into his neck. He continued to rub her back, knowing that the only way she was going to progress towards success was by letting her release all of her emotions appropriately and he continued to coo in her ear until she began to calm down. His shirt was absolutely drenched in her tears, however eventually, she had stopped crying, pulling away to look at her boyfriend before she took a deep breath and began to speak.

“I’m sorry Asher I-” she began before he cut her off.

“Y/N, no apologizing please. Are you okay? What do you need me to do right now to make you feel safe and comfortable?” he asked in a soft tone. She put all her focus into taking nice, big, deep breaths as he continued to rub her back until he was given any sort of direction from her.

“Just lay here with me and hold onto my tightly, don’t let go until I fall asleep,” Y/N responded in a calm tone. Asher happily positioned himself so that their bodies were in the perfect position, he wrapped his arms around her and held on tight as she sighed in relief, giving him the impression that this was perfect; they laid there peacefully and quietly until they both snoozed off.

The following morning, Y/N woke up alone in Asher’s bed, knowing he was downstairs making her breakfast; he knew she hasn’t been getting a lot of sleep due to her anxiety and knew she would appreciate catching up on her sleep. She sat up on his bed and stretched, rolling onto the other side of the bed to check her phone; as expected, she had a text from Laura telling her that Billy and Jordan had filled her in on what was going on and reminded her that she was so loved in their family. She smiled, knowing that she had a wonderful family that will help her through this and an even more amazing boyfriend what would be by her side through all of the struggles. She shot a quick text back to her mom thanking her, just as Asher came around the corner with 2 plates of breakfast, placing one in front of Y/N. She noticed that her plate had a tad less food on it than his, which didn’t cause her much anxiety given the fact that she didn’t finish all of her food the previous night. He sat next to her on the bed and watched in awe as his girlfriend was eating, free of any nervous expression and looking like she was actually enjoying the food. He stayed quiet and let her enjoy her meal in peace before he spoke up.

“So your dad called me … you know that this means you’re going to have to call your therapist and start seeing him on a regular basis again right?” Asher said as his girlfriend took a sharp breath in. Demon #3: speaking to a therapist for the first time and admitting what you had was a depressive breakdown. She knew that this was coming, she just didn’t realize it would be so soon; Asher picked up on her body language and gently kissed her cheek while moving her chin with his finger so that she was facing him.

“You know that I’m here baby, you don’t need to go through this alone. I promise I will be here for you to make sure you take that little pill every day … hell I’ll even drive you to all of your appointments if I have to. Whatever it will take to help you get through this,” he said in a soothing tone. Y/N had to admit that he was taking this much better than she thought he was going to, and she kept hoping that he was going to genuinely keep his word to her about being there through all of this.

“I’m going to call them on Monday and make the appointment,” she replied in a low voice, resulting in a grin being plastered on his face. Asher slowly closed the gap between the two of them, bringing his lips to hers and caressing her cheek with one hand, while the other snaked around her waist, pulling her in closer. He couldn’t help but fall in love with her even more each time she found a new demon to battle and knowing that with all the love and support she was receiving from her family she was more than capable of beating them.

“Y/N, if you ever feel like you don’t trust yourself to be alone please call me. I don’t care if it’s 3am on a school night, if you don’t feel safe being alone I will come and get you, or I’ll stay on the phone with you as long as you need to me. I’ve said it 100 times and I’ll say it again, I love you so much it hurts, and I don’t want anything to happen to you,” Asher replied giving her a kiss on the forehead and holding her close. It still absolutely broke his heart that she had been going through this for weeks without anyone knowing and she was still too scared to tell her own family that she self-harmed; but he made her a promise and he fully intended on keeping it.

Throughout the day, Y/N’s mood seemed to improved little by little, although it wasn’t exactly where Asher wanted it to be, he was still thankful that Y/N was trying her best. The couple had just decided to lounge around Asher’s place, listening to slow music and enjoying each other’s company while Y/N opened up to her boyfriend a little bit more about what had been going on with the depression. He was extremely proud of her for finally opening up to him about her situation and he was grateful that she trusted him enough to come to him so he could support her. The couple was currently dancing around his kitchen, being natural and goofy like they always were.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I invited JJ, Spencer and Jordan over to hang out with us for a little bit later on tonight … if you don’t want them coming I can tell them not to,” Asher mentioned while he and Y/N were cooking dinner. Demon #4: returning to socialization with your friends after you have a depressive breakdown. Although this made Y/N nervous, she knew that it was something that had to be done in order to get her back on the right track with her mental health; she nodded her head and pulled her boyfriend in for a loving kiss, when they head the doorbell ring.

“Speak of the devils,” Y/N joked with a smile. Asher reciprocated the smile as he went to the door to greet his 3 best friends. Obviously JJ pulled her in for a friendly hug and made some kind of joke about how he feels like he hasn’t seen her in a while, not knowing the real reason; mind you, Y/N wasn’t ready for anyone else except for her family and Asher to know what was happening. The boys had skipped along into the kitchen and sat down, however, Jordan stayed behind and had a proud look on his face.

“I’m glad this happened Y/N. I’m proud of you for being honest with Asher about what was going on and you know we’re all going to be here with you when you battle this disease again … no matter how many times your depression comes back, we’re here for you,” Jordan said in a small voice so no one else would hear their conversation. She gave her brother a hug, muttering a quick ‘thank you’ and letting a couple of tears fall from her eyes. She gave him a smile as she pulled away and quickly wiped away her tears, taking a deep breath, and joining the boys at the table outside.

As Y/N laughed at one of the lousy jokes JJ made, Asher couldn’t take his eyes off her and was genuinely happy to see her laughing and having a good time, even though he knew that this boost in energy and confidence wouldn’t last all that long; he was just happy that in that moment, she was truly enjoying herself. He knew that helping her battle her depression was going to be an uphill battle and he knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but he was planning on sticking to his word and staying by her side through this fight. He knew that his life wouldn’t be the same without her and all he wanted was for her to be better so they could move on to the next chapter of their lives together. All he wanted to do was help her beat this because he loved her, and he would do anything to prove to her that he was here to stay, no matter what it took.

#cw #the cw #all american #all american imagine #all american one shot #asher adams #asher adams imagine #the cw all american #asher adams one shot #asher adams x reader #asher x reader #jordan baker #jordan baker imagine #jordan baker one shot

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mollymauktealeef · 3 years

Note

uhm, for your prompts: geraskier, with jaskier hiding geralt (and maybe ciri) from nilfgaard in plain sight, like. without magic, he manages to make the soldiers go away with empty hands? thank you!

sorry this took longer than expected! i haven’t been feeling very well recently so it got left alone for a while. hope you like it though!

warning/s: none

(ao3)

“You there!”

“Oh fuck,” Jaskier mutters sharply recognising the no nonsense tone of a solider and feeling the dread settle in his gut like a block of ice.

Geralt’s fingers twitch at his side, his swords are sadly tucked away under Roach’s blanket just under Ciri’s leg for safekeeping as she sits astride the saddle.

They’d been reluctantly placed there - at Jaskier’s suggestion - so they could move through town unhindered by locals looking for a Witcher’s aid or at least so the trio could draw a little less attention than they normally would. Something they might have gotten away with if Geralt hadn’t been sour about hiding his swords so much he’d childishly left down his hood. Revealing his rather distinctive and famous white hair for all the land to see.

And now there are soldiers.

So the idea of going incognito had clearly failed in it’s execution and now Geralt is without his weapons in easy reach as the squelch of many heavy boots marching through the mud approach them from behind.

Jaskier watches out of the corner of his eye as Geralt’s hand releases the reins for Roach’s bridle and skims along her flank to the hidden pommel slowly. Jaskier shakes his head in warning and thankfully the Witcher listens, stilling his hand.

The last thing they need is more attention and Geralt beheading the local guardsmen would be like sending up a flare for Nilfgaard.

Jaskier chews on his lip, racking his brain for a way out of their predicament. He see’s Geralt’s hand move again, not for the swords this time but to rest on Ciri’s shaking knee in comfort. The princess huddles under her cloak, shrinking away from the danger approaching them and Jaskier’s heart aches for her. The lingering trauma of being hunted has left a stain on the once happy princess that Jaskier and Geralt have tried their best to erase. But situations like these always undo that hard work in moments.

Jaskier sighs at the loss of progress shrinking deeper into the folds of her cloak and decides on a course of action, one that might just avoid darkening that stain on Ciri’s heart.

“Oi! You deaf?” Another voice yells and Jaskier straightens his spine and prepares to dazzle his audience into submission.

He spins round dramatically, plastering a wide happy grin across his face. It’s not his most eye-catching outfit but he should be able to draw attention away from the Witcher and his child surprise well enough. Presentation is key for misdirection after all.

Jaskier glances over the small patrol quickly, filing away the small details that he can use to his advantage. Just like any other ballroom or tavern he’s stepped foot in. Reading the room is how you own it and Jaskier wouldn’t be a famous bard if he couldn’t quickly and effectively discern the lay of the land. A loud tavern full of boisterous laughter needs dance music and bawdy songs, a noble wedding with dignified guests needs jaunty jigs with easy beats to dance to and when enough wine has been drunk, a few romantic epics to get everyone in the mood. The stage is a little different but the details are the same.

He silently curses as he recognises the dark armour and golden sun stretching across it and prays to whatever deity likes Geralt in one piece in the vain hope that things will go smoothly. But for now, it's up to him and every skill he’s honed at every banquet and party he’s ever been to, to get them through this peacefully.

“Fine gentlemen, what can I aid such noble soldiers with today?” he greets loudly as he skips forward putting himself between the approaching soldiers and Geralt. A few of the men flinch at his volume. Jaskier notes the overly red cheeks and bloodshot eyes, the slight sway in their stance. Too much patrolling the tavern rather than the streets and very recently too.

He has to play this right. Be loud and obnoxious and they’ll want to get rid of him quickly to ease their aching heads. Too much though and he runs the risk of raising questions. It’ll be a fine line to tread, a thin tightrope between freedom and a noose but it’s something he’s managed before and for far lesser stakes.

“Your friend, where does he hail from?” The Captain asks shrewdly, eyeing Geralt’s exposed white hair with narrowed eyes. Jaskier rocks on his heels full of nervous energy.

“My cousin you mean? Well he and his daughter come from Lettenhove of course! As do I,” Jaskier bows deeply, throwing as much theatricality into his performance as possible, “Julian Alfred Pankratz, Viscount de Lettenhove. A pleasure to meet you, good sir!”

He doesn’t often drag out his nobility but the situation calls for it. Perhaps enough for the men to back off, in fear of upsetting nobility.

“And your...cousin’s white hair? A familial trait?” The captain asks skeptically. His title isn’t enough to brush away their questions but there is a touch more hesitancy than before so Jaskier counts it in his favour. He still grimaces a little and racks his brain for a plausible lie to help them escape the situation with as little screaming and entrails as possible. Tiny streams in deep forests are not ideal for removing Nilfgaardian guts from a Witcher’s hair after all and after this fiasco getting Geralt to agree to enter any form of civilisation will be a nightmare.

So Jaskier does what he does best.

He tells a story.

He lets his face drop into a more serious expression and sidles up closer, a little too close for comfort, for a not so much conspiratorial whisper, “No, no, my good sir. Not at all. You see, it's such a terrible thing. Truly terrible. A curse.”

At least two of the men take an involuntary step back as though such a thing could be catching. Good, Jaskier thinks snidely, superstitious morons swallow a lie father easier than a wise man.

“Twas laid upon him by a spiteful sorceress. He’s quite sensitive over the whole thing as I’m sure you can imagine,” Jaskier placed a hand over his heart as he hammed up the performance a degree or two, “My poor dear sweet cousin spurned the witches advances you see, his heart already belonged to another. Fiona’s mother, she hailed from Nilfgaard, such a sweet woman. Not that it mattered to the spiteful witch! The sorceress was quite enraged by it all and so cursed my poor cousin to bear the likeness of the ugliest creature she knew, a Witcher.”

Jaskier winces internally and sends a silent apology to Geralt and hopes the man won’t take too much offence but there’s no other option for them.

“How unfortunate,” one of the men comments in a heartfelt manner and Jaskier dabs at his dry eye in agreement.

“Yes it is and such happenstance that we should be looking for a Witcher,” the Captain says, unconvinced. But Jaskier has the rest of his audience on tenterhooks and a crowd can sway a single mind.

He scoff’s loudly and slams his hands onto his hips.

“Nothing but trouble I say, for we’ve been stopped by every knight and good soldier from here to the Pontar! It’s made our journey to Oxenfurt doubly long and I’m due to begin teaching next week! The delay!” Jaskier wails dramatically and the men collectively wince at his volume and shrillness, “Thankfully with my tenured position the faculty will be most forgiving of my lateness! But truly it has been nothing but trouble!”

“Hmm,” the Captain wavers and Jaskier pushes his advantage, leaning in a touch too far again.

“I shall tell you good sir the best way to tell a Witcher from my unfortunate cousin is the swords, for Witcher’s carry two on their backs and my dear sweet cousin can only swing a pitchfork!”

“Viscount’s right Captain, no swords,” one of the men speaks up and they all turn to look at Geralt’s back, covered in a muddy cape but bereft of the notable twin swords.

“He could have thrown them,” the Captain suggests but quietly, not fully believing his own words and Jaskier tries not to let his relief show.

“Thrown them?! Why my dear Captain, that would be a waste of fine silver and steel! Who in their right mind would throw away a silver sword! Pah! A fool, that’s who!”

The Captain ruminates for a few moments and then nods, “Right you are, carry on m’lord.”

Jaskier’s knees feel a little weak as the men shuffle round and begin their march back up the street they came. He waves them off jauntily despite the nausea swirling in his gut.

“Many blessings to you and safe journey my good men!”

As soon as the men are out of sight Jaskier stumbles as the relief falls on him like a ton of bricks. Geralt grips his bicep, pulling him back up as he stares down the street after the patrol.

“Gone?” Jaskier asks and Geralt nods.

“Thank Melitele,” Jaskier exhales and drops his head against Geralt’s shoulder heavily.

“Ugliest creatures?” Geralt asks and Jaskier groans.

“Darling I apologise wholeheartedly for such a lie but how else was I to excuse your appearance?”

Geralt snorts, thankfully with more amusement than anger, “Good thinking.”

“Thank you love but might I suggest putting several fields between us and them before more questions are asked?” Jaskier points out and Geralt wraps an arm around Jaskier’s shoulders, squeezing him close for a moment before letting him stand on his own steadying legs.

Geralt takes Roach’s reins once more as Jaskier falls into step next to him, he spares a glance over his shoulder at the near empty street behind them and hopes they can put enough road between the patrol and them before nightfall to breathe a little easier.

“Are you really a viscount Jaskier?” Ciri questions quietly, hunched over under her heavy cape atop Roach. Jaskier startles at the sudden question but settles into a sardonic smile.

“Unfortunately so my darling, though the title does have its uses here and there.”

Ciri thankfully doesn’t press the issue as she flicks her gaze over her shoulder worridily. More concerned with the soldiers than his checkered past.

“I didn’t think they’d leave so easily,” she mumbles and Jaskier reaches over to pat her leg softly.

“Fear not my dear, they were easy to fool and won’t be following us anytime soon.”

“How can you be so sure?” Ciri asks, her tone skeptical and a little sharp. A princess on the run yes, but still a princess and one growing from a child into a woman and not shy about demanding she be treated as such. Jaskier chuckles.

“Simple. I saw all I needed to, to lead them astray. I’ll teach you how to read men like open books soon enough darling,” Jaskier winks and Ciri worried at her bottom lip for a few quiet moments.

“Teach me now?”

Jaskier shares a glance with Geralt, raising an eyebrow up in question and Geralt simply nods his permission. Well if his Witcher is okay with it then who is he to argue giving the young exiled princess another knife in her growing arsenal.

“Very well, what did you notice about them?”

She ponders for a moment, “There weren’t that many?” Ciri offers hesitantly. Jaskier beams encouragingly.

“Well spotted! A small patrol left in an unremarkable town. Tells us quite a bit. These fools aren’t high on the pecking order. They aren’t given more responsibility or better yet aren’t trusted with more,” Jaskier explains and Ciri leans forward in rapt attention. “What else could you see?”

“They hesitated,” Geralt says and Jaskier turns his attention on the Witcher’s soft smile.

“Very good my love,” Jaskier pecks Geralt’s cheek in reward, earning a giggle from Ciri.

“That matters?” she asks.

“Indeed, a lack of confidence speaks to their inexperience or perhaps they’ve acted hastily in the past and been reprimanded making them hesitant to act similarly again,” Jaskier explains, falling into his old teaching habits easily.

“What else did you see,” Ciri questions curiously and Jaskier hums thoughtfully.

“Dented armour that hasn’t yet been fixed, means coin is tight or flowing elsewhere. Mud caked into clothes and bulging chest plates. These men have become lazy and spend more nights in a tavern than marching around town. Ruddy cheeks and bloodshot eyes tell me they enjoy their drink, a bit too much most likely. Given the hour it was either a heavy night of drinking with a spectacular hangover or they’ve just come from the tavern. Whichever it is, their minds and body long for beds not battle and that my fair girl is where you can take advantage,” Jaskier lists and Ciri looks suitably impressed with his observations.

“Enough to confuse them?”

“Perhaps enough to lose them in a winding tale with dramatic flair,” Jaskier shrugs, remembering many a glazed drunken gaze and how he used it to his advantage in the past.

“The loudness helped too,” Geralt offers slyly and Ciri laughs as Jaskier pretends to take offence though he preens at the small but fond smile on his Witcher’s face and the ease settling around Ciri’s shoulders once more.

“Nothing makes a drunken soldier recoil quicker than a loud bright bard,” Jaskier winks.

#the witcher #geraskier #geralt x jaskier #jaskier x geralt #geraskier fanfic #jask writes #nessie

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an-anticlimactic-bass-drop · 3 years

Text

Tall Part 2/?

Prompt: Tech is too tall for his own good. Constantly hitting his head on objects and desks as he works on projects. The other bad batchers make fun of him for this but you find it endearing.

Tech X Reader

Slow Burn/ Angst

Warnings: Mild 1.11 Spoilers, Deviates from canon

Word Count: 1.5K

Part 2/?

partly inspired by this gif

(it won’t let me put it in but its the one of tech catching omega)

Omega nudges you awake from where you are napping in the pilot’s seat. The small girl’s blonde head peeks over the arm of the chair as she looks out the window.

“Look!”

The sounds of explosions and blaster fire are erupting from the city center a few klicks away. You quickly lean forward and start firing up the takeoff controls for the Marauder. You are sure your boys are the ones behind the explosions and you smile gently as you imagine Wrecker’s gleeful expression as you see a cloud of smoke rise into the air in the distance. They can’t be too far off if the nearing sounds of blaster fire are any indicators. Omega rushes to the landing ramp as Hunter’s voice crackles in through the comms.

“Omega! Get ready to bring the senator aboard!” Hunter sounds a little winded and Wrecker cackles in the background as another explosion rocks the tunnel they were in. You remember the new security system Tech put in place and shake the last cobwebs of your nap out of your mind as you recall the specifications that he had told you about before leaving. Your hands fly across the panels as you disarm the system and lower the landing ramp. You head to the ramp as Omega jumps up and down waving at the men as they trek towards the ship.

“Ladies! Meet the newest passenger of the Havoc Marauder, Senator Avi Singh.” Hunter introduced you to the senator and you looked him up and down. The senator doesn’t look like he’s all that happy to be leaving his planet in the hands of the Imperials. Singh is wringing his hands and has a look of worry on his face.

“I should not leave my people. They need me here!” The senator says quietly. Echo leans in with a hand on the senator’s shoulder.

“If you stay here you will be hunted down and murdered. It is better to live to fight another day than to die unnecessarily.” The clone looks almost defeated as he tells the senator this. Singh’s shoulders slump forward as he takes one last look around his planet before boarding the ship, nodding in agreement at Echo’s words.

The trip back to Cid’s bar was uneventful to say the least. The senator and his droid are quietly sitting in the cargo hold. You offered him a cup of caf earlier but he graciously declined. The men are scattered around the ship as hyperspace speeds by. Echo and Hunter are attempting to sleep in the bunks while Wrecker and Omega are playing Saabac on the box that functions as a makeshift table. You just poured yourself a piping hot cup of the precious brown liquid that keeps you going through bouts of insomnia caused by the nightmares and the general lifestyle of the Bad Batch. Wandering up towards the cockpit, you aren’t expecting to trip over Tech’s long legs that are stretched out into the aisle.

“Kriff!” Tech curses as your cup spills slightly onto the top of his blacks. He slides out from the wall he was buried in and starts looking around for a towel to wipe the hot caf off of his shirt.

“Sorry! I didn’t see you there!” You frantically bend down to help him. You grab one of his grease rags from the toolbox you notice off to the side and dab at the stain on his shirt.

“No worries. I will be fine.” Tech strips off his shirt and you swear you can feel the temperature of the air heat up several degrees as you realize just how close you are to the taller clone. “There. No harm done. Would you mind putting this in the laundry for me? I need to finish this last bit of wiring before heading back to check on the flightpath.” You flush as you tear your eyes away from the bare chest of the man in front of you.

“Hm? Sorry! I’ll just get right on that.” You hurry away with the stained shirt and a blush on your face. You left your cup of caf on the floor near where Tech was working. He let out a small chuckle as he steals your drink. Not his fault if you left it in your hurry.

The ship lands back at Cid’s bar without incident. The senator thanks you all graciously and departs into Cid’s office to discuss payment. Wrecker and Omega not so sneakily sneak off to get Mantell mix and Echo follows them at a distance to make sure they stay out of trouble. Tech goes to the bar to get a drink and you sit beside him to discuss the mission. You flush as you think about the previous night on the ship and you clench your jaw to avoid licking your lips at the thought of the bare chest of the taller clone next to you. You aren’t ashamed to say you dreamed of the expanse of skin and what it might taste like while you were in your bunk after that episode last night.

“Am I boring you? I can stop if you would like.” Tech looks concerned as you zone back into reality and realize you have been watching him with a blank expression for a beat too long. You blink in surprise as you shake away the untamed thoughts that have been plaguing your mind. You really can’t be anymore obvious in your crush can you? At this point you might as well have a giant sign that follows you around that says “This person has a crush on the tall nerdy one!”

“No!” You exclaim a little too loudly and get some irritated looks from the other patrons of the bar. “Sorry I'm just distracted today. The mission has me a little rattled. I am not used to being that deep into enemy space.” You say in a quieter tone.

“We are also not used to it. I always knew we would make it to Raxus someday however I never thought about it being to save the seperatist leader. Echo was most displeased about the idea and protested greatly. I tried to convince him that it was just a job and we need to pay off our debt to Cid but he does not see it this way.” Tech seems saddened at his brother’s inability to see the mission without the politics. You can see Echo’s point of view and point out to Tech that Echo’s trauma probably makes it hard for him to trust the separatists seeing as they had kidnapped and tortured him for 2 years before he was rescued.

“The Techno Union treated him like a computer! An algorithm! Barely even human! I really don’t blame Echo for not trusting the separatists. He has barely recovered from the trauma of being in that machine for so long. He is still really pale and frail and you haven’t finished working on his new limbs yet so he still has the prosthetics they forced on him. Speaking of which, if you need help working on those I am always available. He has every reason to be upset about this mission.”

You are fully involved in the discussion and don’t hear Echo and the others enter the bar as they make their way over to you and Tech. Echo catches the tail end of the conversation and tries to announce their presence with a small cough that turned into a hacking one that left Omega looking concerned. Her big round eyes are full of unspoken worry as she gazes up at him. Echo glances down at the young girl and forces a smile, patting her head.

“I am fine little one. Don’t worry about me.” He says reassuringly.

Hunter leaves Cid’s office with her and the Senator. He comes over to where the group has gathered and steals Tech’s abandoned drink. He chugs the rest of it and gestures for the group to follow as he heads back to the ship. Tech stands up and offers his hand to you to help you off of the bar stool. He has a habit of making sure none of the Bad Batchers fall over, a habit he has picked up from their upbringing on Kamino where the other 3 clones were not the best balanced due to their enhanced abilities. Your face flushes again as you become uncomfortably aware of how close you two have gotten during the conversation. He leans away from your touch as if he also hadn’t realized how close you two had gotten. Tech turns to follow Hunter out the door and has to stoop a little to avoid hitting the door frame, Echo cracking a quiet joke about not having to worry about hitting the top of door frames since he lost a few inches. Only Omega and you caught the joke and you give a chuckle as Omega just looks confused.

“The legs you see? Lost a few inches? Oh well.” Echo gave up on explaining the joke to the kid and followed Wrecker out the door towards the ship.

Once back on the ship Hunter announces that they have been given a few days off courtesy of Cid since the mission went so smoothly. The other bad batchers glance at each other, not sure of what to do with their new time off. You were pretty sure they have never had free time in their entire life.

“We could visit Cut and Suu? See how they are settling in!” Suggests Omega.

“Too dangerous for them. We attract too much attention. The last thing they need is to be recognized as republic sympathizers.” reasons Tech.

“I think we deserve a few days of downtime! We can take a well deserved vacation and rest up before the next mission.” you say as you pour a cup of caf from the pot Tech started when you arrived back at the ship. “We can get some repairs done on the ship and maybe even explore the city! I know Omega has been dying to go to the museums in the city center since we got here and I'm sure you boys would enjoy it too.”

Hunter thinks for a moment and nods in agreement.

“Sounds like a plan to me.”

Taglist: @haloangel391 @m-o-o-n-s-g-o-o-n-s

#tech x reader #tech is too tall for his own good #part 2 #omega has a nanny #its you #the bad batch steals each others drinks all the time and you can't convince me otherwise #tech is a caf fiend #you can't leave your drink alone with him he will steal it #tech has the best balance out of the bad batch #he catchs everyone

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ectonurites · 3 years

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hey! how knowledgeable are you on stephanie brown? because i got in a bit of an argument with a dc fan on reddit who claims she's all these awful things, but im still relatively new to steph and i want to see what was true and what wasn't. link to screenie right here: https://ibb.co/vh6CYCJ

these may be matters of opinion, but even then, i'd like to know your take. i haven't read her firsthand often enough and i trust your judgement over this random redditor who seems to have some sort of blonde-woman related trauma left untapped.

I'm not necessarily the most knowledgable on her in the world, but I do know a decent amount because she's one of my absolute faves and I love her

But ohhhh boy that screenshot is a lot.

I will say that several of the things this person brings up are based in canon but are taken in the worst faith and framed in the way that makes her look as bad as possible, if that makes sense? It’s ripping things away from any context, because there's a very clear bias against her here.

I'll go through it point by point under the cut

First of all though before digging into this, I want to make it clear she was a 15 year old for the majority of the things this person is talking about. Like just pause for a second and remember she’s a 15 year old victim of abuse. That is something that I think factors into a lot of her behavior! Anyways, I kinda while doing this got into a ranty 'talking at you' format in response to the person who wrote all that, so don't take any of this as me yelling at you who asked the question/you anyone reading this.

"She always acted entitled" - Saying Steph is entitled is absolutely ridiculous to me. Stephanie grew up with a very unstable childhood due to her dad frequently being in prison and her mom dealing with a drug addiction, living in a lower class part of the city. Tim is entitled. I don’t mean that as like a bad thing about him, but he is based on his living situation, she is not. She has wanted life to be better for herself and her mom, and is determined about that, but she is not and does not act entitled.

(Secret Origins 80 Page Giant)

"and stubborn" - I will give you stubborn though, that one is true. She’s stubborn as hell! I don’t really see that as a bad thing though, pretty much every bat is stubborn?

"demanding that Batman and Robin accept her untrained ass" - Steph may have been untrained in fighting but she's shown to have exceptional gymnastics skills from the start, and at one point Bruce even says that with the right training she could be as good if not better than Tim (in Robin #88)! So like... her realizing she enjoys trying to be a hero after she tried it out to deal with her personal business, so she looks to the local experts… and is determined about it… how is that a bad thing? It’s also not like she walked up to them and said ‘im perfect as i am let me in’ what she wanted was a chance to be a hero. But she also wasn't even really looking for approval, either, not having Batman's blessing was never going to stop her. ("So excuse me if I don't jump when you bark, Batman." in Robin #16) Later when Bruce does bring her in to train (and she also gets to train with the BoP) she's excited! She’s stubborn about wanting to be in the hero business, but it’s not like she’s unwilling to work for it.

"advocating leaving criminals to die because they 'deserve it'" - She’s a 15 year old who grew up knowing firsthand how dangerous Gotham criminals can be because of her dad, of course off the bat when they’re in a dangerous situation where any of them could die (because that’s the context here, this is in Robin #35 where they’re trapped in some super dangerous snow) she thinks they shouldn’t go back for another criminal who just tried to kill them and should instead save themselves. But she also literally WITHIN THAT SAME ISSUE then says she realized she learned something after listening to Tim and trying to save the guy! In the same issue! Characters in a story aren’t supposed to be perfect from the start… they learn things along the way???

(Robin #35)

"trying to steal from the shops they just stopped from being burglarized" - She’s 15 and doesn’t have a ton of money. She was gonna take two sodas, and when Tim said not to do it she paid with very little fuss. They stopped people who were robbing the place at gunpoint for prescription drugs. If you can’t understand the difference in severity between those things like… I do not even know where to start. (this situation is in Robin #56 btw)

"forcing physical affection onto Tim despite his visible discomfort and repeated objections (not even stopping when he told her he had a girlfriend)" - This one I will give you because she did cross boundaries with all that! But I do also want to clarify that she didn't start coming onto him until after Tim kissed her first (in Robin #5) while not telling her he had a girlfriend. That doesn’t excuse her later actions but for the first issue that she’s coming onto him from her perspective he expressed interest and she was just returning it! She even specifically says 'Maybe I should pay you back for saving my life the same way you paid me' (in Robin #16) before kissing him. That first time she kissed him unprompted was under essentially the same circumstances he kissed her unprompted, and she literally did not know about Ariana until after the fact. From that point once she knew about Ari she definitely should have backed off and she didn’t, that’s a very fair thing to criticize about her as a character. But Tim lead her on first, and I feel a lot of people like to casually forget that when talking about this situation. The way this is phrased of ‘not even stopping when he told her-‘ implies she was repeatedly doing the bad behavior before he told her, which is not the case. She still did bad things here but don’t misrepresent the situation.

"And lashing out at Tim, her mother, and her classmates in violent fits of anger" - Every comic book character lashes out at other people for the sake of drama like, I dare you to come up with a well-known superhero character who hasn’t done shit like that to a partner/family/friends in a moment of high tension/stress?

"She treated the girls around her like they were stupid bitches" - frankly this ones a little too vague like, I'm not sure off the top of my head exactly what they're talking about? in that era right around her pregnancy and stuff I really don't recall her being mean with other girls? I could be forgetting something I guess but the closest I can think of is a bit after this period of time when she has the confrontation with Greta in Young Justice but that was Greta attacking her first, not the other way around.

"got insanely jealous if Tim so much as expressed concern about another girl" - Steph getting jealous and thinking Tim was cheating isn’t that crazy when STEPHANIE BASICALLY WAS THE OTHER GIRL DURING TIM’S LAST RELATIONSHIP? Tim has cheated a little bit before! Tim cheated on Ari with both Jubilee from Marvel (during a crossover thing where he even mentions Ari specifically so it’s not like this was out of continuity/a setting she wasn't an issue or something) and also with Steph. While most of the kissing between them was Steph coming onto Tim which I wouldn’t count as cheating on his end, he did still kiss her which I would count. Not to mention that the jealousy thing (I imagine they’re talking about the instance with Star, the girl who taught Tim to skateboard, this arc of stuff starts in Robin #80 and continues for a few issues) is happening during the time she’s dating him while she still doesn’t even know his real name. He literally has a whole other life she doesn’t know about, and is someone who has initiated romantic moments with other girls while in a relationship multiple times before! With that in mind I don’t think a 16 (she's def 16 by this point) year old girl being kinda paranoid about how he interacts with girls he might know in his civilian life is that unreasonable? The later big instance with jealousy is the Darla situation- where Steph sees Darla kiss him and gets mad about it (and doesn’t talk to him about it) and thats what prompts her to become Robin. The important thing to remember about Steph in this time frame is that DC decided she had to die and they wanted to make her Robin first to drum up more attention for that death. They were doing ooc things with her to set those pieces in motion, and that needs to be taken into account. I think her getting upset about seeing something like that isn’t even ooc, but her using it as motivation to become Robin and not even saying anything to him about it is. In the earlier instance where she’s upset/jealous about Star, she does communicate to him what’s going on at least a little bit on the rooftop after they’d saved her. She makes it clear the thing she was upset about is that she feels like she can’t trust him because she doesn’t really know him while he knows everything about her, and that’s why she thinks he’s cheating. Her reaction to the Darla thing is not in line with how earlier in canon Steph would have handled the same situation, because they wanted her to die and needed a way to explain her becoming Robin.

"and expressed that jealousy by accusing him of cheating and throwing things at him" - I just addressed the cheating stuff but the throwing things was fucking slapstick oh my god this is a comic book for kids/teens like. ah yes this is horrible abuse in this little funny montage of how Steph wants him to leave her alone because she’s mad at him and he refuses to give her space

(Robin #82)

I don’t think anyone at DC or even in fandom would/should try to argue she’s perfect, because she’s not! And I don’t want her to be because perfect characters are boring. Steph is flawed, Steph has been compared in canon to Robin-era Jason by Cass & Bruce

(Detective Comics #790)

And I think these highlight some of her very real flaws that are an interesting part of her character. These plus her stubbornness and determination are part of what makes her her.

And for fuck's sake the world was mean to her, and to act like it wasn’t is just blatantly ignoring a lot. A criminal father who made her life really difficult (‘when my dad was mad at me he’d lock me in the closet!’), that time she got kidnapped for two weeks and her mom had left her (a 15 year old) alone at home so long she didn't even find out it happened (in text Steph says Crystal was visiting friends, a lot of people interpret that as her mom possibly being in rehab for her addictions again), that whole thing about how one of her dad’s friends tried to sexually assault her as a child, also just how due to her dad's work sometimes criminals would be living in their house (Literally the fucking Riddler at one point!), the fact that we as an audience watched her get tortured for several days because a plan she tried to enact to prove herself backfired since Batman didn’t trust her with important information (something Selina even calls him out on in her internal narration), like… sorry but in what way is all that not the world being mean to her?

She was Robin, she dated Robin, she likes Eggplant (because purple would've looked stupid), and makes jokes. She’s also impulsive, headstrong and determined, and wants to prove to herself and others that she can be more than just the daughter of a shitty criminal, that she can actually be a force to do good in the world.

She’s a complex character, and nobody is required to like her, but to act like she doesn’t have a single redeeming trait is ridiculous. You could write a paragraph like that with the worst moments of basically any character and make them look like shit if that's what you were setting out to do.

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thechanelmuse · 4 years

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TW: rape

‘I May Destroy You,’ Michaela Coel’s gimlet-eyed exploration of trauma and its myriad ripple effects follows Arabella (Coel) — a funny, messy, sharp-as-hell London writer — after a dizzying night in which she’s drugged and raped by a stranger. At first, she dismisses the hazy memory as just an upsetting image in her head. Soon enough, though, Arabella reluctantly comes to understand it as the truth, and tries to work through that horrifying reality without coming apart. [...]

Not every part of Arabella has a direct line to Coel, but the series’ catalyzing experience, unfortunately, does. In 2016, Coel took a break from a marathon writing session for the second season of “Chewing Gum” to grab a drink with a friend, and was drugged and assaulted by a stranger. She’s been sifting through the emotional wreckage ever since to find some kind of clarity, if not peace. Now, with “I May Destroy You,” she’s doing it for all the world to see. “As a fellow android exploring what it means to be human,” says Coel’s friend Janelle Monáe, “watching Michaela be vulnerable on-screen as she walks in her truth gives me and so many the bravery to walk in ours.” [...]

Coel began writing “I May Destroy You” in February 2017, in between acting in TV projects like the “USS Callister” episode of “Black Mirror” and Netflix’s limited series “Black Earth Rising.” She took solo mountain trips and wrote draft after draft of what would eventually become “I May Destroy You,” spilling her stories and tangled guts onto the page, rearranging them into shapes she could better recognize. In August 2018, she spoke about her trauma publicly while delivering the Edinburgh International Television Festival’s James MacTaggart Memorial Lecture, a prestigious assignment the festival has otherwise bestowed on a cadre of white British television mainstays (as well as no fewer than three Murdochs).

The majority of Coel’s speech, delivered to a room of the U.K.’s most powerful entertainment brokers, traced the constant racism and classism she endured on the way to that Edinburgh stage — a theme subtextually underlined by the fact that Coel was, and remains, the only Black woman to have that platform. She spoke about turning her solo play “Chewing Gum Dreams” into a “Chewing Gum” TV series (which aired 2015-17 on the U.K.’s Channel 4), a transformative time that taught her the technicalities of making television and confirmed just how disinclined certain white gatekeepers are to trust a poorer Black woman’s vision. Toward the end of the 50-minute lecture, Coel revealed her assault and elucidated the industry’s inability — or unwillingness — to handle such a human emergency when pages are due. As for her recovery, she said, “It’s been therapeutic to write about it, and actively twist a narrative of pain into something with more hope, and even humor.”

When it finally came time to translate it all to the screen, “I May Destroy You” was so close to her bruised heart that Coel took on the challenge of playing several roles throughout the series’ development: creator, writer, actor, producer, director. Netflix offered her a total fee of a cool $1 million to make and star in the show, but the proposed contract wouldn’t grant Coel even a tiny percentage of the rights. She hadn’t fully realized how much claiming legal proprietorship over her work mattered to her until the prospect of not being able to emerged, at which point it became crucial.

Then, after some Googling, she realized that her CAA agents would also be profiting from the deal via the endangered practice of packaging. Stung and surprised, Coel walked away from both her agents and the offer. “I’m not anti-Netflix,” she’s quick to say now, “but I am pro-‘the creator, writer, director, actor should probably have a right.’” She’s hyper-aware of how much this project required of her, and how comparatively little granting her “a right” might cost a powerful network like Netflix. “That’s not quite fair, is it?” Coel muses. Creating the show, after all, took almost everything she had.

With the BBC, a million-dollar paycheck might not have been in the cards, but more important to Coel, she didn’t have to fight half as hard to claim ownership. (As a matter of industry course, it’s far more common for British studios to afford creators rights to their work than it is for American equivalents.) They struck a deal, and Coel got to work.[...]

“When you’re restricted,” she explains, “sometimes that’s where you find great things: in the lack of possibility.” She attributes this rather Zen approach to Hugo Blick, the “Black Earth Rising” showrunner who showed her the value of keeping a cool, empathetic head on set. Blick’s ability to step away from a gnarly situation for even 30 calming seconds is one that Coel has worked to hone for herself, especially while steering a series with such fraught ties to her history. No matter how sideways things might go, she never wants to forget just how much she loves the collaborative act of building a television show, wild complications and all.

From Forbes:

I May Destroy You’s Michaela Coel Rejected Netflix’s $1 Million Offer In Favor Of The BBC Because Of Ownership

The creative, who stars as Arabella and wrote all 12 episodes, started pitching the programme in the spring of 2017 with one of her first ports of call being Netflix who picked up her prior series Chewing Gum.

Though Netflix offered a generous upfront fee of $1 million (£800,000), the sum had strings attached, including full rights ownership away from the creator, something Coel pushed back against. Coel recalls a moment during the interview where she is speaking with a Netflix development executive on the phone, asking if she could retain even a very small 0.5% of the copyright to her show.

“There was just silence on the phone. And she said, ‘It’s not how we do things here. Nobody does that, it’s not a big deal,’” Coel recollected. “I said, ‘If it’s not a big deal, then I’d really like to have 5 % of my rights,’” Coel added, stating that she even went down to 2%, and then 1% and even as a final compromise to 0.5%.

Coel remembers that the executive said she would have to run it passed her superiors, before adding, “‘Michaela? I just want you to know I’m really proud of you. You’re doing the right thing.'”

“I remember thinking, I’ve been going down rabbit holes in my head, like people thinking I’m paranoid, I’m acting sketchy, I’m killing off all my agents,” Coel says. “And then she said those words to me, and I finally realized — I’m not crazy. This is crazy.”

Coel discovered her agents, Creative Artists Agency (CAA) were set to make an undisclosed amount from the series if she took the deal with Netflix. She reveals that the agency pushed her to take the deal prior to her finding out and their subsequent dismissal as her U.S. representation.

Taking the project to British broadcaster the BBC later in 2017, Coel found the corporation to be supportive with her maintaining creative control even with the explicit depictions of sex, sexual assault and drug use. Plus, as the broadcaster had to adhere to terms of trade, Coel had no problem with retaining the rights also. The broadcaster also brought HBO to the table as another co-producer to help subsidise a portion of the budget.

This isn’t about just “knowing your worth;” it’s about knowing the business (your business) and never settling just to secure “something.” A million dollar offer, no copyright ownership and no creative control is beyond disrespectful. Learn the business in whatever field you’re in and stay acclimated with jargon and new, current and old practices. Know your shit.

It’s like when people say “Get a lawyer” to handle negotiations and look over your paperwork. You pay a lawyer to do a job, but it does not mean you should be oblivious to aspects of law and contract jargon among other things because “that’s what they’re there to do.” You can’t say someone (sometimes lawyers included) screwed you over after you’ve signed the dotted line. They’re protecting and looking out for themselves. Commit to do the same for yourself.

#michaela coel #i may destroy you #film business #ownership #hbo #bbc #netflix #business

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