#6 hours of the day to myself and all i want to do for it is sleep

[isalisewrites]

A ramble on writing where April broke my heart

Hooo boi.

March was a dream in comparison to April.

Emergency gallbladder surgery? Someone faking their death in my server? Good times. I wanna go back.

I have been through much in three short months. April has shown that it's taken a toll. I have missed many more days of writing. I'm still missing them in May. But I'm slowly gripping onto the last vestiges of my raw determination, all while in the face of so much.

I had a falling out with my closest family member that shook me to the core of my heart. I barely slept for most of the month again. Gallbladder surgery has proven to have some complications on my nervous system, making normal daily life difficult where it's hard to sit or lie down without experiencing full body numbness and tingling in various areas, including my hands and fingers. (No, not blood clots. 100% without a doubt it's my nerves.)

If you've followed me here (post one and two) and have read my author's on Terrible, But Great Chapter 30, then you know what went down with my family member. It took so much of my time and energy. I wrote well over 8,000 words trying to reason with this family member, only for all of it to be scorned and mocked. A part of me feels like that energy was wasted. I could have 8,000 more words in TBG, but I don't. This is all I have.

A part of me looks at it and says, "Give it back. Give me back my writing." What happened to January? Or even February? What happened to the girl who could wake up at 4am in the morning, an hour before she had to leave for her hysteroscopy, to power write 700 words?

Some days, I go up the stairs and I'm winded like I ran a marathon.

Some days, if I walk on the treadmill for more than 6 to 10 minutes, I feel like I'm dying.

It's been an uphill battle. The struggle is real, but so am I.

In the last week of December of 2023, when I realized how long it would take me to finish Terrible, But Great, I was overcome with what I call 'The Stirring.' I don't know what else to call it, but it always has an air of mystery and premonition for what it is to come. I thought at that time, "If I had limited time to live, what do I want to do?"

"I want to write."

So, I did.

In 2023, I published a total of 43,000 words in TBG. In 2024, from January to April, I've written 110,604 words and have published 35,000 words thus far. The year isn't even halfway over and I've done better this year than I have last year.

In spite of it all, I'm doing pretty damn good.

There's still hope. I'm not giving up. It might feel like morale is low, but it's not. I'm going to keep going as much as I can through all the hardships because writing is truly the one thing that breathes life into me.

By the end of April, I finished my business class with an essay about how the class shifted my beliefs. This class in combination with all of my health issues and social conflicts sparked an overwhelming revelation and a new rising determination within my soul.

You see, you all have witnessed my love and passion for writing Terrible, But Great, a Harry Potter fanfiction, but I also have original stories that I've wanted to write. Yet, I haven't been able to finish them because I'm always thinking about the market in the real world, instead of what I want and what the story wants. Fanfiction, I can do whatever the hell I want and yall are just gonna have to strap in and hold onto dear life cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Original novels, however, are done differently and I've often struggled due to so many factors.

I have ADHD. I am autistic. I have health issues which are rapidly piling up on top of each other. My career choice might not even be feasible for me in the long run, so why I am allowing myself to be pressured into doing more than I can handle with a class load?

I want to write. I want to write. I want to create.

Oh, how I want to create.

So, I will.

Two years ago, I gave up on my dream of writing original novels and earning a living through them. I've since repented of that notion. As I continue write Terrible, But Great, I'm also going to be working on my original novels on the side. Someday, perhaps, I'll be able to earn a living as a published author.

That's my realistic ideal.

I wrote 457 words today, May 9th. That's good enough. The goal this month is to write more than April. I can do that. On the days where prose is hard, I simply write my scene idea in a zero draft style. I don't worry about the prose; I'll fix it later. Every word counts. Every word can be changed. Every word can be made better.

Every word is good enough.

Until next month.

#mywriting #fanfic writer #fanfiction writer #writing #tomarry #hp #hp fanfic #harry potter #tom riddle #fanfiction #fanfic #terrible but great #2024 writing goal update #writer #2024 writing goals #isa's ramblings #isa's thoughts #isa's writing

[kevin-sedai]

The vibe really deteriorated as the day went on, and now I'm sitting in bed, awake, feeling like garbage

#it was an okay weekend but i was jittery and numb for most of it #tried to write christmas cards for the first time in 2 years. cried while doing so and then had to lie down after i did 5 #i got frustrated with the story i'm writing and considered dropping it or deleting the whole thing #spent friday alone pretty much all day which normally i'm fine with but for whatever reason made the loneliness really hit hard this time #spent all thanksgiving day waiting for a familial confrontation #got asked by my 6 year old nephew how old i was and then he followed up with 'well why arent you married what are you doing' #which i'm pretty sure is something he heard in a conversation someone else was having and he repeated it bc he's 6 fucking years old #which btw i don't hold against him or am mad at him about bc he's an innocent kid #but that made me feel really shitty #spent an hour today panicking about this dog virus #and in between all of that i was self diagnosing myself with mental illnesses #which made me feel awful bc it made gaslight myself in thinking maybe i wanted one? #which is so fucked up to the max and i'm so sorry for even putting that here #but i put this all here bc i could never have this conversation with people irl #they'd get too worried or they'd think i'm overreacting or i need to date or need to do something with myself besides read #i'm so sorry everyone #i'll try to be better #i just had to put this out somewhere #and i didn't put this in a journal bc my last entry sounds so teenagerish out of context i don't even want to look at it #anyway i have to try to sleep i have to go into the office early tomorrow #i'm sorry guys #i really am😔

[bulletproofbanditsorbust]

❗❗PSA ❗❗

Chapter upload schedule: every wednesday, at 4:20 am (CET)

#i know i have like 6 people following me and yall probably already read the story #but 🤷🏻 you never know #plus theyre updated now so you might want to check them out #i added some details that i think are pretty interesting #in which chapters tho? i dont know man i kinda forgot #also i chose the day for no rhyme or reason. the time has a very good reason tho #but seriously you dont have to reread all of that if you dont want to #im doing this (the whole moving all the stuff from my other blogs thing) for myself more than anything #and having an hour set for shit to be posted gives me the illusion that i have more control over it #a.

[dykeredhood]

Love how my choosing to see a therapist coincides with the 10 year anniversary commemorative Stucky mass hysteria event, that’s fun

#every time I bring up this unofficial tumblr celebration I’m gonna add more words to the name #ASIDE from my wanting to fuck the arm (which I’m not gonna bring up to my counselor lmao it’s irrelevant) #she was telling me: oh wow yeah that’s actually brave to strike out on your own and end up with your very own apartment & stable job etc. #I don’t see it that way??????? I don’t consider it particularly brave or tenacious it’s an obligation and I did what I needed to 💁🏻‍♀️ #and I brought up how I don’t consider myself a person more just a useful tool/someone else’s means to an end #it feels weird to do anything solely for me that’s more significant than getting something tasty to eat #also after our session I felt physically drained and emotionally wrecked for the rest of the day (a good 6 ish hours) #not even weirdly calm and empty just kind of lost and wrecked #I’ll have to tell her next time I don’t enjoy others pointing out when I’m crying #that didn’t really help my overall state #so in case there were any doubts about why I cleave to the Winter Soldier character like a limpet #oh I also said the word ‘nascent’ a bunch because I speak very precisely #no designated tag for all this just yet; we might get there so I have a chronicle #of my assorted feelings to look back on #rant in tags #personal

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[lovelyisadora]

it isn’t the end of the semester but i’m already having my end of the semester breakdown oh my GOD I am going to have a heart attack. sprite save me

#nothing is done!! not my applications not my interviews etc #I am running out of time to graduate in June and I could just graduate in august but then I have to admit to my family that I fucked up bad #it takes 3-6 weeks to get IRB approval I need to step on it #it’ll take at least 4 for my paid leave forms for work to go through and I don’t know if it’ll get approved #and if it does when do my benefits start #I feel like an idiot where those forms are concerned because it needs an occupation code and I don’t know if it’s specific #or if I can just select the one that best matches my job description and I can’t find that info anywhere #my body is literally shutting down I have two golf ball sized tumors and I can’t get out of bed but I can’t sleep #my car is kaputt and I have to call several different shops to get it seen because the one I took it to couldn’t fix it #and is any of it worth it!! is any of it!! #I cried for like three hours today bc I tried to talk to my mom about it and. well. she was very much a mom about it and not helpful #like yeah! obviously I want to graduate in June! but my research isn’t even approved because I haven’t been able to get myself #to complete the application for the last six months! Jesus Christ! #I can’t sleep and I’m so tired I’m so so tired my brain just straight up isn’t working! #I swear to god if I finally meet with my advisor and he does his well you don’t seem to need my help bullshit again #I’m gonna actually snap and kill him #anyway. need to do three things by end of Wednesday. just three things #clean. irb. and paid leave. that’s it that’s all. #it’s what I’ve tried to do the last four days and I’ve accomplished none of it but. Jesus Christ it’s gotta get done #FOUR THINGS I have to call the shop to get an estimate for a car I’m not even going to bother to fix #ok vent session over #delete later #fkdjdjshhaa im a MESS #sprite save me 😭 #save me sprite. save me

[lavender---sunshine]

in all seriousness i 90% sure im going to quit my job tomorrow and for a while i will have just enough money to live on and will have to spruce up my resume and job hunt and stress but MY GOD i need to do something else because this is making me suicidal

#like actively suicidal. wanting to die in a way i have not since highschool. literally woke up and thought 'i dont want to be here anymore' #and then couldnt make myself get out of bed until like 10 minutes before i had to leave the house for job 2 #i know its unprofessional but i pretty much...quiet quit i guess. i worked from home for like a month straight without telling my boss #and she called yesterday wondering about it and the whole time the only thing i could think of was 'you didnt even know for a MONTH #thats how little people communicate around here #the office culture is toxic. the people are self absorbed and shut me out. ive gone through like 6 big life events and no one knows because #no one in that office cares enough to ask. and even if i volunteer the most i get is a 'wow that wild look at this tiktok yeah anyway' #im so burnt out. i have 1 day of rest and i dont get to do that at all. so no like im not going to get up get dressed sit in traffic park #on the street because a year later they still havent given me a clicker for the parking lot and sit in the back of a warehouse for hours #talking to no one. ive literally gone days without talking to anyone there. its so lonely. #theres only so many audiobooks and podcasts and albums you can listen to before you think 'i would be ok getting hit by a truck tomorrow' #im going to hate these next few months but i just need time #and the lord works in mysterious ways because my other boss just started talking about hiring for mon/tues which are the days i work bad jo #so i would at least get those hours until i find something else stable. im going to try very hard not to be mean about it but im like... #hey girl this place sucks ass and you know it. im not negotiating #but thanks for that raise 9 months late #im giving you three weeks for find a replacement and i dont care if you fire me in that time #il work from home or panera or starbucks or library but im not stepping in that office again unless its for my minifridge and heater

[pepprs]

currently.

#purrs #what if i was experiencing ordeals so mortifying and horrors so horrible i could not talk about them to anyone in full honesty and truth and #transparency not even the dearest people in my life who love me and actively want to support me and listen to me or my tumblr mutuals who #are literally my bestest friends who live in my phone and in some cases outside of it so instead i locked myself in my rapunzel tower and pr #proceeded to cut off my hair and then cut off my dress and then cut off my brain so it could stop perceiving stimuli and reacting to it #despite wanting to get better and thinking it’s getting better and i couldn’t even tell my therapist because he doesn’t get me but it takes #too long to find a new one and i don’t have time and also my tower was getting renovated and also i was a little bug who was getting. #crushed by giant rain drops falling on my shell and bending my antennae so im dizzy and also it’s as almost midnight and i had to be up at a #work awake in 6 hours and ready to fscilitwtbeblike 3 things but i was screaming and howling and pounding on the floor over the dumbest most #normal sjit in the entire world that i couldn’t tell anybody i was struggling over because it would make everybody in the world blow up and #die and explode. what if i had to communicate the horrors through memes and vague posts every single day and that was all that was truly at #my disposal and everyone thougut i was being weird and standoffish and mean but really i was pulsing hurt like a strobe light every second o #of every day. becaus ei think if all of that was true i would simply go to sleep without doing the dishes and redacted redacted redacted red #redacted. and i wish i could. but i can’t. I’m just a little beetle and the rain drops are so huge. lol #delete later #puslng INCOMMUNICABLE hurt *. like morse code. like fire flies. Because literally… 💡💡💡💡💡 #<- girl who has had separation anxiety since the day she was born. but also girl who never texts anyone back. girl who is a hypocrite 🥰

[steveharrington]

this job is going to ruin all my friendships

#i feel so bad always saying no to plans but like. i just worked from 8-5 and i’m training so i’m with someone 24/7 like i have to be #socializing 24/7 #and then i get home and i have like 6 hours until i have to go to bed and my friends want to go to a movie and it’s like. #if i go to a movie at 8 it really starts at like 8:20 and then it’s over by like 10 and then i get home at like 10:20 and then i shower #and then go to bed at 12 and then it’s like i got. 2 hours to myself all day #and i love my friends but i can’t do that like my brain can’t do that

[whoa-where-did-the-pancakes-go]

What if I just don't sleep. What then.

#it is 11:01 and i just finished taking a shower that was supposed to have been taken at 9:30 #look. unless someone (steve usually) forces me to go to bed i will not despite knowing i will be complaining the entire day #“im soooi tiiiiired” well maybe its cause you only slept 6 hours you fucking microwave oven #ik its recommended for teens to get about 10 hours of sleep but if the school system wanted me to be healthy they should not make an entire- #-essay due in three days and maybe consider letting kids have more than 10 days absent or even not starting the day at 8 am what about that #huh??? huh??? wisconsin school system i have a complaint to make #see i get 6 hours of sleep. 7 hours at school. that leaves me 11 hours for personal stuff and a good four of those are spent eating and- #-doing chores and talking to family etc etc. so i get about 7 hours to myself add in showering homework and laying on the floor sobbing #and ive got like 5 and a half hours of free time so excuse me if i like to. yk. do thingsand maybe im not getting the recommended 10 hours #- of sleep. #im regan thank you for coming to my speech i wrote it in 10 minutes it is now 11:12 goodnight of youre going to bed if not? #join me in being a fucking goddamn disaster all the time :)

[doodlboy]

Hoo boy, miserable in the club 2night lads

#i cant draw #ive been trying all day and its just shit #then i open instagram and see 2 reel ideas ive been wanting 2 do but cant #bc 1 i cant draw so i cant do the draw urself as a clown and 2 i dont have enough finished pieces in enough colors to do the “my art is X” #like #fuck #fuuuuuck #i hate everything #why dont my hands want to do things #why cant i understand perspective #ive watched enough fucking tutorials by now #why cant i pose bodies interestingly why cant i draw how it looks when a torso is bent why do i draw the same shit over and over again #why cant i stay consistent why do i not have any construction lines besides the fucking head circle #why dont i plan things out more why why why why why AUGHHHHHHHHH #miserable night #im so pissed off at myself rn #i know how to do things so why am i not doing them like im supposed to #i had rhe whole day off and i spent most of it on my phone when i could have been drawing. now i need to get up in 6 hours #bc i decided that midnight was a good time to draw #and my fucking ankles still hurt like theyre sprained or broken or whatever #im so pissed #mini rant #mini vent #elliot rambles

[xwiredearbuds2014x]

Help me my hatred for my job is making me evil

#on my feet for 8 hours doing dishes im covered in a layer of sweat and chemicals and slime #after I had finished all the dishes and was cleaning the sink a guy brought MORE THAT HE FORGOT #white hot rage #I want to quit every day but I can’t until one of the jobs I’ve applied to gets back to me #there have been times when I’ve kept working even though I’m injured/crying/covered in blood and NOBODY gave a shit #there was a good 6 months or so when we were always understaffed so I had to do the work of 2-4 people constantly #even with lines of customers out the door #one time a while back I told my manager I was feeling overwhelmed and asked if I could go on break #he yelled at me and berated me and basically threatened to fire me. I wasn’t the same for the rest of my shift #I apologized profusely but mentioned how long I’ve been there and everything I’ve given to this place #he said that was just the expectation #even though I know for a fact almost no one works as hard on me. other people slack off #and I have to pick up the slack because they know I can #and they know I won’t stand up for myself when I am mistreated #I guess even though he can be cold and distant and vindictive #I always assumed that he HAD to appreciate me. but I know that is not the case #I lost all respect for him at that moment. there have been other times when he’s yelled at me and belittled me #and I’ve just had to act like everything’s fine because I can’t get fired

[lilgynt]

anyway yesterday i had this huge break down like sobbing screaming throwing my self on the floor the whole 9 yards and it sounds like outtakes from the midsummer scene and any guess what started it. my dad asked me to buy rotisserie chicken

#personal #obviously lots of context but super funny #especially bc when i was throwing myself around i got a HUGE fucking bruise on my thigh #anyway my weekend was not good. personally #on thursday i went to like 4 stores and was looking for coffee (dad didn’t remember the name) and rotisserie chicken for my dad and his #dog. which i know bad but you have not tried having and elderly blind somewhat lost his mind or mostly it man as ur father for most ur life #you learn to just go with it #and during all of this i’m getting nothing but assholes on the road #like in the morning when i got breakfast for dad and i some lady cussed me out when i wouldn’t reverse into a drive through #and then after the first store some guy nearly hit me backing out of a parking space bc he was going super fast and turned around JUST to #flip me off. and i’m already annoyed bc i didn’t even want to run this errand for a fucking dog but it’s my dad so i keep going #so hit 3 more stores ask my dad if he remembers the coffee name (he requested i call him at the store) he did but it’s too expensive #(i offer to get it firmly but he’s freaking out) i leave and then my mom calls me and gets annoyed at me for not buying it anyway #go to the next store. the shit my dad just told me is to expensive is like 6 bucks more here and it’s too busy to go back to the other some #and i’m so upset but it’s only sale so small win. didn’t find the chicken anywhere #dad and mom start fighting when i get back and it’s so fucking frustrating #anyway that took over 2 hours and was very upsetting then the next day my dad is like #can you go back again 🥺 and i do but not before that huge break down #which during i was like did not know it upset me that much. but anyway ends with me getting locked in my room bc my dad #is coming over to give me batteries not even checking on or hearing the yelling and im naked and im so fucking upset that i don’t even have #a door anymore and it’s middle/high school again and i’m makes and crying and i don’t have a door and everyone’s allowed to come in whenever #naked and crying #bc it doesn’t matter wrre family and im so angry and i lock myself in start slamming on the door and my dads like what can i do and he can’t #see then i just rip the broken door knob from the door in sheer anger and then i spend the next two hours sobbing while looking for chicken #for my dad. did not find it btw. like some time looking for chicken some getting gas then food #so funny i texted my mom during it and she thought i was going to our usual store and texted me things she needed #and i only realized while inside the store i was actually in and started silently sobbing and hyperventilating bc my mom wanted me to go to #another store and she just promised this wouldn’t happen again and there’s no fucking chicken here #anyway i’ve been camping my room bc i don’t want to talk to my dad im not mad at him or anything but i just can’t do the last couple days #and my mom was really nice yesterday about it after hearing me sob and didn’t even give me shit when i said im staying hometoday l8r maybe?

[orcelito]

as someone with insomnia whose brain runs a mile a minute at all hours of the day every day always it's often hard for me to remember that i need sleep like everyone else does. like i see mentions of people sleeping and im like "lol couldnt be me" then i remember that i too must go unconscious every night, ideally for at least 8 hours a night, every single day, ad infinitum,

literally what is the point. i'd rather use my time for other things thanks

#speculation nation #and so i do. not that my body is very happy about this fact lol #well u shouldve thought about that BEFORE u made me a light as hell sleeper & made it impossible to fall asleep #would i LIKE to get more than 6 hours of sleep a night? sure! will that happen while ur like this? Probably Not! #and also the extreme hyperfixating. the all encompassing focus that makes all other things irrelevant #that's an autism thing probably. and as glorious as it feels it is frankly not very conducive to a good living situation #it'd be less bad if i didnt live alone and someone could strongarm me into doing my assignments and the dishes etc etc #or going to bed at a reasonable time. god i dont know how to do that right lmfao #agh fuck it's bedtime right Now for waking up for work. let alone if i still wanted to try going to class #that aint happening. im not gonna doom myself to like 4 hours of sleep. rip #fuck dude ive been working too much too. i probably worked over 30 hours last week. i dont even fuckign know anymore #i just wake up go to work go home repeat. my days off are filled with bad choices and too little self care #im dreading doing the dishes. it's been too long. ugh.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do? #me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care #but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour #away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from #sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont #care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it #manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean #i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking #measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her #new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted #ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning #for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering #and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself #amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads #god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im #putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do #so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u #productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh #look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment #whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh #but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see #uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs #unrelated

[gibbearish]

tells my boyfriend im overwhelmed lately bc ive had 0 alone time for almost a full month now bc we have a friend staying with us until we can get set up in the new house and he goes "oh yeah that sucks im sorry :(( but hey soon ill be working till 10 every night just like (roommate) so whenever we both work youll have most of the day to urself!" i go hide in the closet come out to make a drink and he sits in the kitchen and silently watches me make the drink the entire time

#i get youre trying to help but im going to fucking explode #oh boy a couple hours to myself several days from now thatll surely fix the breakdown im literally currently going through #and i have to go grocery shopping because roommate ate all the food while we were gone and cant afford to get more so i have to #do rhat tomorrow because theres Fuckinf Nothing in the house and im the only one who actually does the groceries right #have to get my tires rotated get my oil changed probably get new tires entirely #im mentally exploding from a -100 social battery and he sits there w #just STARING at me making my drink fuck off!!! literally the whole reason its overwhelmning me is because i NEED soace to Just Exist #without thinking about how im being perceived or how the way i exist effects others this is the opposite of helping i just want to #fucking rest #and theres so much more to do stil it never fucking stops not even for a second #just leave me ALONE stop touching me stop looking at me stop thinking about me stop BEING HERE ALL THE TIME #we just got back from an 8 day trip to canada where we literally spent 24/7 together only excluding bathroom breaks you dont need to #keep staring at me just ignore me for a little bit or just go AWAY #and he always chews with his mouth open and usually i can deal with it but especially now its like. even if were not directly interacting #i still have to just Be Aware Of You Near Me and i need a break #even the days ill have to myself later arent gonna do much because roommate doesn't wake up for work until like 3 but #i wake up around 10 and since its a studio i have to just Sit Quietly In The Dark for hours until they wake up until they finally leave #and then i get what maybe 5-6 hours alone? which like i do Need but its not fucking enough #thats good for a regular time when i have lther alone time as well not just my One Source #EVEN LITTLE THINGS earlier i started boiling water for a cup of soup and travis is like oh sweet grab me one tlo #and im not mad about getting him soup thats easy its just. that i cant do a thing for mtself without it becoming a group activity #and then he poured my water for me without asking which is nice but i like to put a certain amount of water so now mines too watery and #but i couldnt say no cause hed already done it and i cant get mad because thats a dumb thing to get mad about and im #already irritable so i dont want to make him feel bad at all but its just like. just leave me alone please #im trying so hard not to be resentful or let little things get to me but im just so. tired