#ALSO FUCK YOU YOU DONT KNOW WHAT MY OBESITY IS DUE TO

[sloppysequinz]

Just opened an insurance claim summary and discovered that some medical professional decided that they needed to put “MORBID (SEVERE) OBESITY DUE TO EXCESS CALORIES” front and center as a diagnosis and now I feel like shit 🙃✌🏻

#that was NOT what the claim was about it was for a surgery to remove a skin growth #but somebody decided I also needed to be marked down as FAT GROSS FUCK FROM EATING TOO MUCH #right next to the problem I was ACTUALLY getting treated for #at no point did I talk to my doctor or anyone on my surgery team about my weight #like I know. I know I’m in the obese BMI category and I normally don’t care because I think it’s bullshit #but to have them so clinically there seems cruel and hurtful #ALSO FUCK YOU YOU DONT KNOW WHAT MY OBESITY IS DUE TO #I’ve been in that category pretty much my whole life no matter what I ate #this is what gives women like me eating disorders #delete later

[desperate2lose]

hi, i’m Des. i haven’t had an @na/mi@ account since i was probably 14. that was the last time i was thin. all my life i have had weight issues, which i now know are due to PCOS (i’m ftm, have been for 12 yrs). the only 2 times i was ever thin were when i was 9 because i played sports, and when i was 14 because i was r3stricting. i’m 5’6, and i should be somewhere in the 120-150 range to be considered healthy. my lowest was 130 in high school. i’m currently at my highest, somewhere between 250-280. at about 18 i started ballooning, rapidly gaining weight no matter how much i worked out. since then i’ve rel@psed a couple times but it never stuck because i was so scared of being how i was in high school.

back then i was a zombie. due to mental health issues but also because of my ed. i was constantly tired and sad and i wanted to be a skeleton. i preferred being d3@d thin rather than fat and alive. i don’t feel that way anymore. i don’t want to be underw3ight, i don’t want to d!3. i want to be thin, i want to lose.

i’m aware that reverting to this lifestyle and r3stricting isn’t the healthy way to lose. however, it’s the only thing that has worked for me in the past. and i believe it’s the only way to regain my self control. i definitely b!nge sometimes for emotional reasons and i am not okay with that. whenever i’ve tried to diet in a “healthy” way, i fall off of it, or i don’t hold myself accountable enough.

i feel like i’m the type of person where if i say i’ll only eat 1200 cals it turns to 1500. if i say i’ll only eat omad it’ll end up being tmad. so my theory is that i have more than enough to lose, so if my goal is to eat n0thing, i’ll probably fail but still progress.

some things i’m trying to avoid:

• ending up malnourished

i plan on taking vitamins and if i do eat, making sure it’s the right type of food to get me thru my physical job/working out/life.

• my mental health declining

i’ve been working very hard on my mh and i’m not going to throw that away. so i’ll be tracking my moods and modifying what/how much i eat to keep myself stable.

• “⭐️vation mode”

i dont want to end up keeping my fat on because my body goes into this mode. so i’m gradually going to reduce my calories over probably 6 weeks.

• going under my ugw

if i even hit my ugw it’ll be a miracle, but i don’t want to become so @ddicted to r3stricting that i continue rather than maintaining if i eventually get there.

• my loved ones finding out

i plan on making it seem like im just changing my lifestyle. i don’t want to lie, so i’m hoping no one will notice.

• failing

pretty much the only perk of me being obese right now is that my doctor wants to put me on appetite suppressants. i just have to figure out which i’d rather have, do some bloodwork, and then i’m golden.

DISCLAIMERS

i’m not in the mindset to be swayed into not r3l@psing. so pls don’t try to convince me.

i’m not fatphobic. i don’t see anyone worth less no matter what their body looks like. this is solely about me and how i see myself.

i’m not into shaming/triggering each other on purpose to promote progress. you can do that but leave me out of it. if i see anyone insulting me, i’m blocking them, period.

i (in general, sometimes i have bad days) do not hate myself. i understand that this corner of the internet tends to have a lot of self hatred, sh, etc. that’s not where i am in life. this is strictly about w3ight to me. if you are sewer slidal, post sh, talk about sh, or constantly post self hatred, i probably won’t follow you. i hope you love yourself soon though.

any tips on how to lose/vitamins to take/recipes/etc are appreciated.

so thats basically it. im gonna be blogging some kind of mix between ana and d!et stuff. some healthy stuff. some not healthy stuff. i’m not trying to fit in any boxes, just trying to figure out what works for me because i am so fucking desperate to lose at this point.

#ed not ed sheeran #tw ed diet #ed not sherran #ed no sheeran #tw ana diary #calorie deficit diet #low cal diet #diet #ana rant #ana moots #ana meal #ana mention #ftm ed #weight loss #i wanna lose weight #i need to lose so much weight #need to lose more weight #thinspø #thin$po #help me find moots

[marblemartian]

sorry if this is not tonally what anyone wants to hear, but we ALL need be more frank on how cruel and downright Bad it is to make your pets overweight.

i have worked in the pet industry my entire professional career, i work with licensed vets, although i am not one myself, and have personally rescued and rehabbed an obese gecko.

every fucking day i see dogs in and out of my work that are just Massively over-conditioned, at SUPER young ages too. do you know how drastically obesity can affect lifespan in your pets?

i know for dogs, big dogs who already have shorter lifespans, it can affect them by at least 2 years. snakes, by HALF. typically for large snakes the lifespan is about 20 years, power feeding takes them down to 10.

there is a lab boarding at my work currently who is only 2 years old and AT LEAST 50 lbs overweight. i cannot even begin to imagine the strain on his joints, let alone the pressure on his organs. his lungs are at a huge risk of collapsing its so so so sad to see. yet his parents feed him about 2 cups morning and night BOTH with treats, and a whole meal of Just treats in between, AND treats to go to bed.

for reference, treats should make up TEN PERCENT of your pets diet, MAXIMUM. hes also neutered! spayed and neutered animals, according to MY vet, of course ask your OWN vet before changing your pets diet, recommends a calorie cut of ONE THIRD when your pet gets fixed due to the hormone change. they ALSO have an increased risk of hyperthyroidism after a spay or neuter, which will worsen their weight gain problem even Further.

my honest opinion, purposefully overfeeding and power feeding are forms of animal abuse. a lot of people are ignorant on how they SHOULD best be feeding their animals and its really really sad. you dont need to be rich to feed your pets good food anymore, its 2023, theres a LOT of affordable brands that have great ingredients and proper nutrition for your pet!! just do your RESEARCH and if you cant afford their diet then the bottom line is you cannot afford your pet. period.

TLDR: ALWAYS consult a vet before changing your pets diet, do not overfeed your pets on purpose, treats should be <10% of your pets diet

also side tangent, the amount of ppl that board cats at my work that A. free feed and B. feed KIBBLE is fucking ridiculous. make sure your cats are on fucking wet food that does NOT contain carrageenan. also for the love of GOD stop feeding royal canin to Any animal, their ingredients are shit and i Barely consider that shit food.

[aintmyjewelry]

The Obesity Crisis and the Inflated valuation of the American Woman

(self.TheRedPill)

submitted 4 hours ago * by sabanMiles11

At least 1/3 of the US is Obese. 2/3 are overweight.

The US is one of the heaviest countries in the world.

While Europe is mostly first world countries, their obesity rates are held in check. Most hover around 20%. If you venture into Asia, most countries are in single digits.

Why is this important to know for the modern dating market? Women are attracted to aggregate social capital accumulated by a man. Men are attracted to beauty, physical health and the ability to reproduce. The fact that 50% of women are too fat to be dateable is causing any woman that is not overweight to be massively inflated in value.

To test this hypothesis, I made tinder accounts across the world (altered GPS location on 5 cheap or old android phones I had sitting around). The results were staggering.

In a 24 hour period, I had over 100 matches in all asian countries (I tested South Korea, Vietnam and the Phillipines)

I had about 55-80 matches in the European countries I tested (This included the UK, Spain and Ukraine, with Ukraine falling on the higher end and the other two on the lower end)

In the US, I had roughly 20-30 (this included NYC, San Fran and Boston)

Now, the experiment was suboptimal. I had to reuse accounts, which is known to alter the noob boost. Further, the experiment was subjective. I only swiped on girls I found attractive. The primary way for me to determine that was: 1. Could not be fat 2. Could not have kids (or at least seemed to not have kids) 3. No obvious left wing extremists. Could I have had a bias when swiping non Americans? Maybe, its impossible to tell.

My conclusion: Maybe its time to abandon the US. We are being overrun by wokeness and fatness. Europe may be left leaning, but they arent woke. I can handle left leaning liberals. I cant handle woke. Further, the dating market is objectively better due to lack of inflation of female value. Almost any girl can be an objective 5 or above if she is not fat and puts in effort. The US has women who are not doing that anymore (obese, single mom, whales are the market). All office jobs can be done remote now. The food and culture is generally better in these countries. We do have the first and second amendment. But we dont have any control over the universities or big tech. Europe and the rest of the world does

Many of you will say this is "cope." Maybe it is. But Id rather have an objectively better life than trying to be "Alpha" in an almost unwinnable game that is taking place in America.

Lets discuss. Im not saying Im correct, but Id like to hear a debate on this topic

Edit: Id also like to put in some data on single motherhood rates that are adding to this inflation. From pew in 2019, the US had 23 percent of all children living with a single parent. The highest rate in the world. Europe seems to hover around 10 percent, with the only true close competitor being the UK. Asia again shows its strength with single digit numbers across the board. Link: https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/12/12/u-s-children-more-likely-than-children-in-other-countries-to-live-with-just-one-parent/

hey anon

what the fuck is this. why is this being sent to me.

#idk what even kinds of TW to put on this

[transrightsjimin]

went to the lifestyle coach (who basically only knows abt food lol) w my autism coach and the appointment went better than awful, i guess, nd apparently what the lifestyle coach is trying to sell me is not the keto diet but ‘guidelines‘ or ‘advice‘ that’s similar to keto but which i dont need to follow completely and instead make my own. but jfc what else do i make of a ‘low carb, high natural fat‘ food advice thats intended for diabetes type 2 and ‘obese‘ people??

i do absolutely need to make some changes in how i eat, e.g. eat more regularly, choose for a regular lunch instead of snacks, etc but the whole booklet w do‘s and don’ts that she gave me is just *everything i at least somewhat like to eat is a don’t* *every hipster food that’s with grains and seeds or too sour or just. fucking raw vegetables is a do*

i just want to cry, i got referred to her bc im dealing w nausea and extreme thirst and stomach problems from what i suspect is stress, but instead she wants me to work towards cutting bread and rice and such from what i eat. why is all the fucking disgusting hip food and drinks all in the ‘less carbs, good‘ section BLERGH

at least my autism coach did agree w me that the lifestyle coach doesnt know how to deal w autistic ppl, like dropping these awkward dead silences while giving me these weird 8) smirks, offering me to take part in a workshop on how to sleep better despite the course not having exact set dates yet nd not being made for autistic ppl. the lifestyle coach also said she felt attacked by my autism coach when being politely asked to be more concise w me bc im autistic and need more clarity and structure, nd my autism guide was rly confused abt the sudden offense. like my “lifestyle” coach truly reminds me of an overly emotional, floaty high school art teacher who is never clear abt what she means and talks in metaphors nd gets angry when you want her to get to the point.

im just tired, like, i think all i truly need in the end is cognitive behavioural therapy to deal w anxieties, but psychologists / specialists / doctors that ive spoken to so far in the past like, 6 years, all have disregarded my discussions of it.  i never know how to explain it, like to one of my former psychologists i mentioned that i wanted to talk more abt anxiety, i used the word ‘angsten‘ , which is the word for anxiety i guess? though it’s never used like that and it means fears, but otherwise i’d have to make it ‘angststoornis‘ or anxiety disorder, which seems like such a heavy word when undiagnosed and all my psychologists have been so against diagnosing.

but either way, it’s all reduced to this discussion of ‘stress‘ but ive had CBT only very briefly before that psychologist moved away again and i havent worked much on trying to improve my thought patterns. i srsly believe my body has been acting up so badly over the past few years due to stress but i dont know what to do abt it. like idk how to get rid of stress / anxiety when it’s occupying all of my thoughts for most of my life up to the point where i wouldnt even know where to begin, like it’s just so.. in everything. back when i still had therapy we would focus on only 1 or 2 things at a time and eventually i had to fill in these lists w thoughts and counterthoughts etc but they were all just extra homework so i got more stressed and forgot to keep doing it just like school homework. like i just rly dont know how to get rid of stress!! i have headaches and nausea and stress 24/7 and i cant fucking enjoy shit bc of it. idk if i want to get into therapy again and get stuck in the whole process of getting through so many therapists bc they all have to leave after a few months bc of contracts ending or pregnancy or internship and they all have different techniques which often come down to more homework that i cant keep up w.

im just so fucking done and yet i need more help and idk if i can get that from this floaty, vague “lifestyle“ coach who just assumes all my physical problems from the past few years are bc i eat bread every day and takeaway once a week. i want to fucking puke just looking at the alternative foods she recommends. i hate cooking and i dont care abt eating, i dont want to make this even harder for myself by having to eat disgusting things.

#rambles #food mention #autism stuff #health stuff #i know im whining abt stuff before i even do anything but god #knowing the solution to shit is making changes while i hate changes in patterns in my life w every fiber of my being sure sucks!!! #nd also me forgetting to do stuff i was supposed to bc i cant remember anything for shit EVER sucks!!

[mothmansfriend]

when i’m sad oh god i’m sad (pt. 2)

link to pt. 1

follows a very similar timeline to @tearxofink‘s fic Rules for a Functioning Alcoholic but will prob have differences (such as no established relationships) and takes place in @illogicallyinclined‘s hockey au after the mention of Remus possibly having undiagnosed bipolar disorder

update: i think its important to acknowledge roughly where this takes place in the big timeline bc D doesn’t really drink past freshman yr in this AU because of self preservation and trauma, alcoholism was more an issue before then in high school (when remus and d were Rowdy Boys) but the stress of Logan’s concussion lead to some heavy drinking that was caught quickly by Virgil because Remus Cannot Keep Secrets.

summary: Remus has undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder and is dealing with a severe depressive episode in the aftermath of realizing that binge drinking with D wasn’t just his own search to Feel Something, but was also D’s relapse into alcoholism. Remus comes to the realization of lost time during manic episodes and refuses help.

tw: graphic descriptions of a depressive episode, self harm (burning),  suicidal thoughts, and suicidal intent (but not attempt). unhealthy coping mechanisms, alcohol abuse, mentioned alcoholism, undiagnosed mental illness, miscommunications on shared trauma, ask to tag if i missed any.

There are a number of places that are simply uncomfortable to sleep. Barely sitting up and using the chairs provided by the previous tenants as a pillow is certainly one of them. It takes Remus a moment to identify what woke him up as there's another round of knocking on his door and he doesn’t want to respond. It’s bright out,the sun is blocked from his figure by the curtains covering most of the windows. He hears Roman’s muffled voice as the locked doorknob jiggles, “See? I told you he’s not here, Virge. There’s nothing to be worried about, if he doesn’t show up by tomorrow I’ll go look for him. You know how he is”.

Their footsteps move away and Virgil speaks, “Can you text him? I’m just worried, Thomas said that-” his voice fades as they enter the kitchen.

Remus can barely pick himself off the floor before his phone lit up with a notification.

the shittier twin: You good? LMK when you’re coming home, Virgil is lowkey freaking out  (received: 10:14)

He stares at the words willing his brain to focus as he decides, maybe he should reply.

He sends a photo of a fat pigeon he took outside a club him and D got kicked out of a few weeks ago. It would be clear that the picture was taken at a different time, but does get message of ‘I’m alive’ across. Which is about as much as Remus is willing to communicate to people that haven’t even tried to contact him before now. How sad is it that his twin brother didn’t even check on him until six days later. Or maybe he should be asking if it’s sad that after four days Roman still hasn’t noticed that he’s home, or that it took Roman six to even ask? Remus spends all this time in the theatre and in the arts studio, and still Roman was the only one to ask, though at the request of someone who wants to get mad at him. He considers if maybe that he is a bad person, and that isn’t something he normally would care about, but if he weren’t then people might have checked on him. He usually hangs out with D almost everyday and he swears he’s never been gone more than maybe four days. But no one else seems concerned at all.

He considers reasons why this might be and gets stuck on Roman’s comment that he hasn’t been gone that long, and the implications then of him being gone longer. Things that don’t really make sense, but he knows losing your train of thought and getting distracted is a part of ADHD, but maybe, this is much more concerning. How does he know that he’s only ever been gone so long, maybe those lapses are more than a few minutes of zoning out. Which leads to, does Remus know who he is during these lapses? The contrast between the two prince twins have always been clear in their behaviour, Roman who follows every word their parents whisper in his ear. The boy grew up to be an actor after years of who takes any command without thought at that chance to be on top, and revelled in praise. It’s the cowards way of survival, are you really living if you’re not you? He knows Roman wasn’t quite loving that, but he still complied. Remus has always known exactly who he is and who he always will be. But the uncertainty of who he is in those spaces that seem to be taking up more and more space, maybe he;s been following someones script too?

He’s constantly changing his mind and forgetting where he is, are his feelings his? If everything the thought he knew about himself is slipping through his fingers like sand in an hourglass than how does he make it stop?

—

Virgil slides into the recently empty chair next to Roman the second Patton gets up to ask the waitress for another round of coffee, he steals one of Roman’s sausages and speaks, “By the way, I’m catching a ride to your place with you and D”.

Roman squawks at the sausage thief, “Why? I already told you Remus isn’t home!”

Virgil rolls his eyes, “Yeah I know, just humour me. I went to talk to Joan before we left and Thomas said Remus texted to apologize for missing practice, he’s never done that before! I just wanna come check, you can make fun of me later or whatever.”

“Fine, whatever, I know you’d just show up anyway. I don’t think him texting Thomas means anything though, even if it is weird.”

“Well we can agree to disagree then.”

—

The entry to the apartment the Prince twins share with D was just as full of banter as expected. D and Roman irritating Virgil without effort but Virgil matching that with his own comebacks and determination to check on Remus. “Alright, Emo Knightmare, let’s go knock on his cave door so I can know you again, that he isn’t home” Roman drops his bag next to the couch and heads down the shared hallway of D, Remus, and the storage closet. D walks past him with comments of a essay due tomorrow and disappears. Roman walks down and knocks on the door sternly once maintaining eye contact with Virgil knowing there will not be a response. Virgil follows him and he knocks again after a moment and jiggles the knocked door handle. “See? I told you he’s not here, Virge. There’s nothing to be worried about, if he doesn’t show up by tomorrow I’ll go look for him. You know how he is.” Roman turns and leads them back out into the living room towards the kitchen.

Virgil pauses for a moment watching the door before he follows, “Can you text him? I’m just worried, Thomas said that he actually texted to apologize for not showing up today. You know when Remus is out he never remembers to charge his phone, it just seems weird.”

Roman exhales and wordlessly pulls out his phone shooting off a text to his twin before pulling some leftovers out of the fridge to offer to Virgil despite the fact they had eaten not long ago. Virgil accepts and he puts it on two plates for the microwave. Roman’s phone vibrates on the counter with a text. The emo leans over to read and snorts, “Wait, is Remus’s name actually ‘the shittier twin’ in your phone? He just send a picture of  what appears to be an obese pigeon, that doesn’t answer my question at all!”

Roman shrugs, “Of course it is, and yeah that sounds about right, it’s like he’s trying to communicate through hieroglyphics, he’s just telling us he’s fine.”

Virgil’s dark eyes examine Roman’s face for any reflection that he’s just trying to make him stop bothering him with his concern, but when he sees nothing he drops his defensiveness, “Yeah, okay, he’s your brother, he’s kind of like a cat I guess. He always comes home right?”

The microwave beeps and Roman slides the extra plate in front of Virgil, “Exactly, he’s just like this, I’ll text you when he comes back. You don’t need to worry about it, Virge.”

Virgil shoots him a small smile before taking his plate to the couch closely followed by the oldest Prince twin as they settle down with Netflix until they need to leave for their respective classes.

—

Roman blearily wipes his eyes as he wakes up in his dark room and rolls over to check the time. 2:34am wake up and bathroom break time. He briefly considers just rolling over and waiting four or five hours until he needs to get up for class, but decides there’s just a higher chance of getting a restless sleep the rest of the night. The hockey captain rolls out of bed standing in his room shirtless and only wearing a random pair of soft sleep pants and stumbles out of his room, crossing the living room and entry way he’s about to try the handle of the dark bathroom door when it opens to reveal a tall dark figure.

Roman jumps back with an admittedly embarrassing squawk before recognizing the dark figure to be a freshly showered, exhausted, and almost weak looking Remus. The two stood in silence for a moment, Remus not even reacting to the sight of his brother. Roman awkwardly laughed for a moment, “Holy shit, Remus! I didn't even realize you were home.”

Remus stares emptily, moving to walk away without replying, Roman stops him with a hand on his shoulder, “Are you like, uh, okay? You kind of look like shit”

That was clearly the wrong thing to say as suddenly Remus’s face hardens into a snarl, “Oh fuck you, Roman.” His voice cracks halfway through but it doesn’t do anything to diminish the venom in his voice, “Don’t fucking touch me.”

“Christ! If you’re going to be an asshole then nevermind, I just wanted to check up on you. You know, like a concerned brother just might do?” Roman fires back suddenly feeling defensive. The tone of voice Remus uses almost sounds scared to him but he doesn’t have the energy to pry at Remus in the hallway less than 6 feet from D’s door at 2:30am.

“You don’t get to play any kind of concerned brother role right now! You don’t just get to decide to be concerned one day, it’s all about appearances with you, I dont fuck with that!” Remus’s voice raises as he gets more and more riled up, his voice sounds like shit as if he hasn’t used it in days, “Tell me when you think I got home, Princey, huh? You don't know shit about me and it’s time you stopped asking like you do.” He steps towards Roman edging back down the hallway to the living room.

“Why am I supposed to know when you got home?” Roman fires back, “You’re an adult! You’ve taken care of yourself fine for years, I’m not your parent I don’t need to know where you are twenty-four-fucking-seven!”

Vaguely, Roman hears D’s bedroom door open and feels brief regret that was smashed by Remus shoving him backwards. “You don’t need to know! But, did you ever think to wonder? Did you ever once care enough to ask? No! I don’t remember ever being gone more than three or four days.”

Roman recoils for a second in confusion but counters standing his ground, “What does that fucking mean? You own a calendar, a phone, you should know your average in the last year has been like five to seven days, you can’t blame me that you decide to go on a bender every 6 months or less. Can’t you ever grow up?”

“It means I don’t know where I was for two to four of those days at least! You self absorbed prick! Fuck!” Remus crumples for a second, his facial expression looks so, lost. He violently grabs and tugs on his still damp hair. He stands back up face guarded once again. “I know I never go out without a plan, I have paid some fucking terrible prices for that that you never need to know about. But, you’re telling me that I was out there and I don’t remember it? And no one thought to mention anything to me? And you’re asking if I’m ‘okay’? Fuck that, fuck you. I’m going back to my room, and ideally I’ll fucking rot and die before I have to look at you again,” Remus seethes before turning and slamming his door without waiting for a response.

Roman sags at his brothers exiting remarks, making tentative eye contact with D who waits in the dark hallway. “I don’t know what to do,” Roman says quietly.

D moves towards him moving them to the couch offering a comforting touch to the remaining twin, “Roman, I cannot tell you that I have any idea about what just happened. But, it seems like he just wants you to be there for him, in his own weird displays of affection he does love you and I think maybe he’s scared sometimes that you don’t care for him, and he lashes out. But right now, you need to go back to sleep so you can go to your boring nine am lecture, and I’ll try to spend time with him tomorrow. Sound good?”

Roman examines D, letting himself feel vulnerable for a moment but trusts that D knows what to do. He’s known the twins since high school, if anyone knew it would be him. “Thank you, D” Roman whispers, leaning into the little affection for a moment before he stands up and moves them back down the hallway.

Roman goes to the bathroom as originally planned but thinks about the things his younger brother had said. How much is he missing? What does it mean for Remus to simply not remember days at a time? Is it because of drinking too much or something else?

As Roman tucks himself back into bed, preparing himself for the restless sleep he had been trying to avoid. His mind wanders, and he can’t help but think that maybe he should be questioning blood stains on Remus’s carpet a little more.

#sanders sides angst #sanders sides #remus sanders #hockey au #university au #creativitwins #roman sanders #virgil sanders #remus prince #roman prince #virgil fosc #bipolar disorder

[swampgallows]

i think it’s just due from general misogyny and also from being conditioned by 4chan for 8 years but i always feel like i’m a failure that i was never a petite, quiet, fair-skinned girl. like i failed at girlhood, like i failed to be a person, like i failed to be lovable or worth looking at. i see these like 5′0 nymphets with their 24 inch waists and their twiggy arms and all the fucking lolita poison ive been fed for years coagulates and chokes me 

ive got cellulite now, and im heavier than i’ve ever been—a little under 140 and 5′8″—and while that’s fairly average it bothers me to an insane fucking degree that i have these huge fucking hips and the body of a capital w Woman now. when i look at myself in the mirror i feel like a fucking rubens painting. but then even when i was stick-like in high school and college, barely a scrap of fat on me, i always thought myself too big. ive always felt too big and lumpy and awkward, especially when both of my siblings were pure sinew and my obese mother would broadcast her self-loathing every five minutes. 

every time she sits down to eat, every time she stands up, every time she walks anywhere, groaning and moaning and cursing herself like a ghost. it’s as if she is haunting the house as a living person. she calls herself a pig when she sits down to eat a meal she’s cooked, she shouts at herself to shut up when she’s sneezing or coughing or having any other natural human reaction, she calls herself an idiot and announces how she loathes being alive. i hate being around this kind of person. if that’s what she thinks of herself, what must she think of me? “i was never skinny like you girls” my mom told me and my sister over and over, as if we took it away from her. as if it was something we were supposed to value—or else. as if it is something she covets.

i remember men on 4chan saying that there was nothing wrong with ogling young girls from afar and ‘rewarding’ the young women who ‘took care of themselves’. they LOVE this alpha/beta cuck dichotomy because that’s how they view women; like livestock, like cattle. ‘breeding stock’. consumables.

i hate feeling this way. i hate being compelled and having been programmed to compare myself and my body to that of literal children. i hate feeling like i am not allowed to exist as i am. i hate feeling like i am made to be a spectacle or a work of art or a performance piece or a doll. i do not want men to look at me or desire me, yet still, despite everything, i feel like that’s the only value i’ll ever have. like i am a failure as a woman and a worthless human being if i cannot provide the civil service of being desirable for men. that if men dont want to (and get to) fuck me, then i dont deserve to live. i could be rich and famous and established and successful and still in the back of my mind i’ll have a crowd of pedophiles reminding me that i’m not made of porcelain so everything else is just an excuse. being anything else is just an attempt to make amends, a consolation prize for not being a perfect fuck doll to be used and discarded. 

i constantly feel like i am ruined and used and now i am supposed to be thrown away. i dont know how to heal. these men are becoming more and more prominent in our society and the more i see about women making a point of speaking up, addressing the status quo that they are to remain silent as they are consumed, the more it just reminds me that the status quo is there, and millions of women and young girls, like me, are being poisoned, and all of those millions of men are getting away with it and rewarded for it. it is too much to bear.

#blathering #body image tw / #csa tw / /// /

[creemedicooke-blog]

me/beliefs

I’m a 14 year old centrist/right wing, and these are what I’m for and against. (No offense to anyone else/my values do not hurt anyone)

ANTI MAP/NOMAP/PROMAP If you have the desire to touch kids, your time would be better spent touching the cold inside of a jail cell. All pedophelic relationships are abusive even if the person claims to be a “nomap.”

Anti tucute and transtrenders Mental illness is never something to ignore so you can have an “aesthetic.” You invalidate trans people who have struggled, and you are inherently sexist by further instilling that male and female is just a “culture” rather than the safety you feel in your body.

I am transmed Meaning I believe gender dysphoria is something in the brain, which can lead to a longterm feeling of discomfort in your body. I completely support those who want to help themselves and will back any trans person looking for surgery. The choice is theirs to make. Even though transmed technically implies surgery is needed, I will respect the persons pronouns even before they get surgery as long as they are considering it. Because I know three issues off the top of my head: it could be unsafe at their age, it could be unsafe due to familial reasons (transphobic parents), or they could want to consider it for years to make sure they don’t back track. There are also more reasons so of course no matter how long it takes, I will chose to use the pronouns they want.

I only believe in two genders. However, I accept those who do not wish to disclose their gender. I mean, it’s your private parts. Of course I won’t force you to talk about them and I hope you live the happiest life. I also totally understand those who wish to go by they/them, just ask me so I know to not misgender you.

I’m not a trump supporter

If I don’t know too much about a subject, I won’t talk about it but I am curious to learn someday. (This is why I won’t say I am or am not a Hillary fan. I actually never got to learn much about her therefore idk)

I do not like illegal immigration but DEPORTATION IS FUCKING ATROCIOUS. Here is the simplist way to explain why I don’t like illegal immigration: Imagine you work hard, and someone else slacks off and recieves a promotion. That's infuriating. But I now stretch this to a larger point, you work hard to make money to leave your country and go through the entire legal system tediously. Then another guy sneaks into the same new country doing zero of that work. Do I think the illegal immigrant should be punished though? Heavens no. Absolutely not. They could have been escaping poverty or war, drought or famine, a harsh family life, anything. And they could be an amazing person. I just think the legal way to immigrate should be made more open and friendly for people in rougher countries. I have nothing against the illegal immigrants themselves.

Anti terf An mtf who has gender dysphoria, a serious condition, is curing herself. Not robbing your three year old daughter’s tea set. Chill tf out, Sharon. And an ftm who has gender dysphoria, a serious condition, is curing himself, not writing “women have cooties” on your feminist pride parade sign and then ninja'ing into a male, Terri

“Radical” is the scariest word to hear before anything involving politics. I’m sick of “radical ___.” I believe compromising is much safer and a healthier viewpoint to live by than extremism of either side. This mindset shoukd stem from childhood with things like "sharing is caring."

Guns and clothing depicting real guns should not be allowed in schools, period. The gun part is a “no shit” moment, but if I could change the school dress code, I would add this rule and get rid of the truly bs “no crocs” rule.

I’m pro choice

I want to better the foster care/adoption system

Anti-anti vaxxers That kid’s life has been given to you and it asks for protection, not to model your ill-thought-out agenda.

Anti incels

Companies should be regulated to reduce pollution, and they should contribute to a greener earth.

If a company distributes paper or glass to an area, that same company must be willing to pay the price to make it recyclable at their plant. Otherwise, it cannot be in that area. This practice will be repeated until eco friendly companies begin popping up all around us.

In a perfect world, an opinion’s value is based on how well informed the person is of that opinion. Not on race, class, religion, gender, or orientation.

Bi/pan are the same, and if you prefer the term “pan” because of the spelling or flag, then alright. But like again, meaning wise, they are the same and the only difference is superficial.

I’m all for body positivity that supports people who have lost limbs, burn scars, or are recovering from an unhealthy lifestyle like anorexia, bulimia, or obesity. Body positive does not equal “oh you look beautiful killing yourself” so I personally would never congratulate someone for cutting themself, or severely under or over eating. I will offer help until they tell me they want to end it like this, in which case I wont force you to do something you don’t want me to.

Abusers should serve for half or more of their life! All if it lead to fucking suicide. Domestic, child, animal, relationship. Abuse is disgusting from mental to physical. Go ahead and block me if you believe abuse is not an issue.

Rape is one of the worst crimes in humanity. It can happen to anyone.

The three crimes I hate the most are MURDER, RAPE, and FALSE RAPE ACCUSATION. the first two are obvious, but the third one is up there for a good reason. False accusation means "fake." You are lying to fuck up somebody's life on purpose. A rape claim can damage somebody throughout their entire life and that's not even the end of the problem with it. You invalidate true rape claims. You think rape is such a sweet little subject that's so "fun" to toy with. And you know what? Fuck you with all of these murderers and rapists and abusers.

Though I am not anti-gun, more control is needed. For example, training, liscenses, harsher punishments to those who obtain a gun by illegal means, and a gun should not be carried outside of your household unless you have a specific reason for that too. Like a farmer, police dude, or hunter

Do not slut shame prostitutes.

Making prostitution illegal only makes it harder for these people to seek help and get other jobs. It does not end prostitution.

Marijuana is not a criminal offence, quit locking people up for it.

Tax is not that hard to write on the damn price tag. Please mark it as $5.12 if it really isn’t $4.99

Gender dysphoria is a valid health issue so trans people should still (and always) be supported in the military.

There should be more sidewalks. And bridges that go over roads with ramps for people in wheelchairs or strollers, this is to reduce car emissions from the car needing to stop, and even better, it reduces the chance of a young child being hit at a crosswalk. Getting around by foot will be so much easier.

These are the most important things to teach in school

-how to prevent stds

-mental health

-why vaccines are safe

-how to get a job

-how to take care of your home and life after you're 18

-the core subjects

-civil rights movement in full detail so the newer generations are impacted by the struggle and where we are now in america

-secondary language

-world cultures

(This is just what i can think of off the top of my head)

You dont have to block me if you disagree. Infact, im open to anyone who wants to be friends. I dont care if we're different politically because thats not the first thing i see abour people. If you want to debate with me then lets do it. Also if you have questions, hmu. :)

#poltics #trump #anti terf #anti map #transmed #truscum #feminism #radical feminism #education #belief #anti shame #body postivity #trans #trans politics #gay rights #equal rights #human rights #rightwing #left wing #centrist #centrism #leftist #rape #gun control #anti tucute #tucute #transtrender #anti abuse #anti vaxxers #anti incel

[angstymcspicy-blog]

22/05/20

1 year and 2 months. it took me 14 months before i broke all kinds of self defences and decided to seek refuge here. i love being at home, i really do. i dont have to force myself to talk to people, dont have to get tempted by food outside, dont have to exhaust my emotions, i dont have to put on makeup, i dont have to think of what to wear and regret it later for looking too fat and ugly, dont have to disappoint anyone and dont have to feel disappointed by anyone. 

but being at home starts to feel overwhelming at some point. its not that i crave physical interaction or that i miss my friends (do i have any, really?), or the boi for that matter — i just get really afraid of myself. you see, once i start sitting down with myself, i dont ever get up. 

i dont even know where to start... is life falling apart? not really. yes, we’re living in the middle of a pandemic. but i am blessed alhamdulillah to have a roof over my head, for my family members and for a s/o. but this period of being at home and everyone having so much time on their hands... really puts certain things into perspective. for instance, with so much time everyone has to offer now that we’re all confined to the comforts of our own four walls, how come not a single soul that i once called my friends have reached out. yes! i had 3 so far... in the span of 2 months. that’s a great feat, i aint gonna deny. but you see, the people i thought who could give 2 shits abt apparently rather give 2 shits to other people instead. so that makes me think — where do i stand in your life? how do i emerge from this quarantine and what do i make of our relationships after this? pretend like we totally know whats happening in each other’s lives via superficial and menial social media updates that you selectively show after having retaking them 100s of times or do i act all weird bec literally, i do not know whats happening to who anymore. this is simply bec im not talking to anyone. if i dont initiate a conversation, no one comes to me. im really not that interesting of a friend and not that exciting to have me around. i just float and exist... hence my insignificance in their lives. at one point, i guess it was just out of convenience that we were friends. & now due to circumstantial factors, it is not convenient or important having me around anymore.

yes i do have friends. yes we havent spoken in months. on some days though... i get really glad that my social circle has reduced to almost nothing. but on some days... i realise that im just not that strong after all. i want to be ok, i want to learn how to be ok. but how do i? how do i come to terms with the fact that either im a girl who turned all her friends away from her bec she thought she was too good for them or that her world too accelerated too quickly to revolve around her boyfriend that now she forgot how having friends ever felt like.

the people whom i thought literally saw me grew up are now too busy mingling amongst themselves and themselves only. they do make the effort to send one text message in 6 months... but the lack of sincerity is more than just apparent. there is 0 effort to even keep the conversation going and no matter how hard i once tried, i cant find it in me to be as giving anymore. 

to my best friend that i lost, im just taking things in my stride. every single day you never fail to exhibit the love you’re constantly being showered with (without me in your life anymore). im happy that you’re in a place where you get to shine in the spotlight given and that your circle of friends has expanded to one that drowns me out. maybe im also too exhausted and found myself to be too demanding for you to fit me anywhere in your life anymore. im just a puzzle piece that was forcing to fit till early this year. maybe now i really am prepared to want to let it all go.

i lost a workplace buddy recently. as much as i know that maybe this is for the better of him, a part of me still wishes we could maintain the same co-worker relationship and we can keep this friendship going. we have too many similarities and interests and it hurts to know that things will never be the same again. i have teared about it but i think one day these feelings are going to come charging at me in full force that it might be too late to calm those emotions down by then.

this quarantine period has also cost me lots of fights in my family. every single day i urge myself to keep the anger down and not get so agitated but i still fail. i disappoint myself time and again. i dont know how to fix this, neither do i see the light at the end of the tunnel for this. the ability to be so fucking patient with the useless beings i deal with at work and the inability of me being tolerant of my closest and most loved ones, appalls me the most. i am the biggest hypocrite i know. i fought with my beloved grandma. i was planning to check in on her but i never did and before i knew, she ended up in the hospital and i found myself sinking in knee-dip into a bottomless pit i knew i was sooner or later, doomed for.

the holy month is about to come to an end and i see people achieving milestones in their life as they close this chapter but this year feels just about the same as another. and i only have myself to blame and hate for it. i could have done so much more. coulda started on the quran, coulda been more consistent, coulda been more committed but i let it all slip in front of me and before i know it, it’s too late to do anything about it anymore. i am my biggest disappointment. i only seek for your forgiveness la Ya Allah.

i have no qualms about the person i call my partner. but having an anxiety attack all bec of him... it has truly been a long while. i wanna blame it on the period. i wanna blame it on the fact that i have too much time and too many emotions too feel, too sensitive. i wanna blame it on his lack of awareness for his surroundings and the people around him. i wanna blame it on his immaturity and ego. but i think we all know, it is ultimately just me. the same issues... over and over again. is it a lack of interest or understanding? i sincerely wonder. i want to work this out, but it gets really hard. sometimes i just want us to stop hurting. how is it that we dont get by a week without fighting? how is it that you still have issues understanding me why i get hurt even after repeatedly explaining myself? how is it that you still talk in a way that annoys the fuck out of me sometimes? i know you dont mean it. but are you really that wrapped up in your head to not notice all these things? everything’s either a fucking joke or too complicated for your brain to even process. i dont wish to make the situation bigger than what it is, but i never felt truly at peace at emptying my emotions to you. when was the last time you were keen about me and my mental health? then again, not everything is about me. and you didnt seem to understand so i backed off. i dont want to find fault in a situation that you dont want to help yourself in. why is that you can bear to part hours of your day to game but not spare 10 minutes of your time to ask me how im feeling lately. or spend 10 minutes of your time looking up what anxiety really is. i tell you im fine and you really think im fucking fine. if that was really all it took to cure my fucking anxiety m8... i’d be bloody Gandhi by now. i want to give all my love to you. but at times i cant even be truly happy for people by my side, sometimes i feel like i still have a lot more to learn before i deserve true happiness in my life. you dont always have the best words to say, but i know you do try. 

i started working out but i still dont like what i see. the more time i spend at home, the less i want to see myself in the mirror. its been 2 weeks and my arms are still so fucking flabby,,, my thighs are gigantic it can choke and the rolls on my tummy makes me nauseous. i pray to God seeking for strength every single day but i still cant find it in me to want to embrace the now me to pursue the version that i eventually want to be. the internet is not making my head a better place but it does remind me that im fat and that i deserve less and less food each day. i dont know why i allowed myself to get this obese but i am truly regretting every second of it. 

in conclusion... am i falling apart? maybe. am i losing myself? maybe. do i have friends? not anymore. and do i hate my s/o constantly reassuring me that i have friends that even i dont know the existence of? maybe. do i hate myself for being a dick to my own family? maybe. do i blame myself for being an incompetent and emotionally worrisome partner? maybe. do i blame myself for having a body as big as mine? maybe. ultimately... am i drowning myself in a bottomless pit of self loathe as i swim in self-pity? hell mother fucking yes.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so hes essentially stopped having sex with me. physical affection is like.. few and far between. and i guess, thanks? i guess? like step up from my oshawa ex for sure - he fucked me until i left. so like, thanks? thanks for not just using me? 

i tried to be more understanding like maybe this is just how he feels right now but these little things managed to add up and with his refusal for sex ... i mean, he’s not “refusing”. i dont really come on to him. the last time we did have sex it was pretty bad. like bad enough both of us admitted it was pretty bad. i thought maybe that had something to do with it.

but he started nitpicking and being rude about it. like leaving my shoes at the door - which he does everyday all day; but it’s not my house and i should be a perfect guest always and if i’m not, it’s disrespectful. he suggested that i gain weight - jokingly mind you, but not really. finally he told me to “put money aside” to pay for myself at meals with friends because it made him uncomfortable. then suggested that “instead of not going at all” i run a tab with him and keep track of everything he buys me. 

i told him no thanks. i dont want a walking credit card. i never wanted that. that doesnt make my life any better at all. its more uncomfortable for me that the guy whos dick i suck makes me pay for all my meals. and i get it - he doesnt need to cover all of them. but holy fuck what kind of relationship is it that you cant even go out because your partner wont pay for your meal? your partner ho makes more money ad has more disposable income than a majority of our peers. 

i just thought it was really careless to make a suggestion like this when i cannot afford to eat out. period. thats not a luxury i can have right now and u know what? THATS OKAY. holy fuck, of all the luxuries i dont need and am not going to die from; it’s that. i kept thinking it was like a keeping up th the joneses kind of thing. like i’m paying to go out to eat food not to eat food but to prove i can afford to go out and eat food to a group of people. i PREFER to live frugually. even hen i have OTHER PEOPLES MONEY i try to save and be frugal for them because i feel disgusted hen a large amount of money is wasted. ive had dozens of opportunities to spend his money hoever i wanted and continually chose the cheapest option. only recently did i start choosing take out options OVER 10$. like i was literally choosing anything under 10$ so i wouldnt be a burden while his meal ould be 20 -25$. 

he tried to be friendly afterwards but i felt like it was a final straw. its never a discussion. its just hurling insults at me and completely disregarding the reason why i have suh little money. my entire being is dedicated to not being brought down by him ad people like him in the interim of hopefully making my life better. like if i cant get through this then i dont even have a hope of it being better and apparantly “this” is being shit on over and over and over again. i just.. i dont care anymore. he was really just annoying me at this point. im tired of being made to feel super poor. like no one else does this to me. i do manage to take care of myself a good portion of the time and most know where my money goes. im tired of having to give myself a pep talk to feel better about myself because hes made me question my value and worth. 

last night i slept crammed against the wall. literally. and hes come to a point he feels this is appropriate because sleeping together is such a hassle for him and it just reminded me of my abusive ex. but then he decided to jack off beside me first thing in the mornig and i was done. like i guess im very hard headed but hey - i get it now. i’m nothing to you. i dont deserve anything. i dont deserve to wake up peacefully, a good morning - nothing. all i deserve is to ake up to some disgusting man jacking off beside me. i got dressed, gathered my stuff and left. i said nothing to anyone, i just left. cuz hat the fuck is the point? i felt like a little “guilty” that this would create anxiety for him but who the fuck even cares? i dot even want to have a conversation with him because i dont have conversations ith him i just listen to him. there is no back and forth, no discovery or discussion. its just me listening to him. so why fucking bother. he knows i wouldnt leave unless i was upset so the “point” is made but i have no point. i’m just done, i think? i think you know youre the most done when words are not useful anymore ad like there is nothing i want to discuss. i dont even ant to tell him what a shitty person hes been. all it leads to is guilt and pity and sticking around because he thinks hes supposed to. i want to be with someone who wants to be with me. but like that never happens. no oe ever wants to be with me. they want to be ith some other perso but i’m good enough. and it sounds very woe is me but this is the truth. ad i am an attractive nice person. i am very caring and loving and loyal. i am a great girlfriend. but no one ever wants to actually be with me. theyve always wanted someone else, someone else is always actually “the one” ad theyve either gotten away or they never got a chance and now they’re just stuck with _me_. my first “love” was already in love ith someone else but it as never going to happen (and hen he thought it as going to it didnt and he still came back to me and that is not even a bonus thats just proving my point). my second, still enamored with his ex he never fully proved cheated on him but he thought she did (but u know maybe she didnt). and all the men in between - they wanted someone else. they predictably ended up with a few of the someone elses. and right now is just repeating this scenario. 

and you know, i come across these dudes and they tell ME they love ME. i would never dare utter such words to these people and give myself like that unless it was very important for me to do. like if i as a year into it and no one said shit and i felt strongly about it, then maybe i would but i dont even offer this to close friends. love is the most serious. 

but they tell me they love me. and all i want is love. i dont even want necessarily to BE LOVED but i would like love to exist in my life in a very pure and geuie ay that ive witnessed with others. its not like i need love and attention from all these people. i dont need love to be validated as a person. i can be without love temporarily and move forward in life. i have less sources of love than many people ad im not actively seekig it from dozens of people. but if someone asks me what do you want? perhaps i want money and security. this ould be high on the list. but i think most of all i want love. i want to experience love. my parents did not love me. or maybe my father did but i dot think he was wholy capable of giving pure love. these are perhaps the people who should be my pillars ad theyre not ad everyoe else got to experience love - not eve sexual love. its not eve sexual. its not romantic. everyone aroud me has bee able to experience pure true love of some form and i feel like i have not. like theres nevere been a single stable source of love for any length of time in my life.

and society is tryig to fill this void with medication and money and everything else but actual love an like i guess its hard not to believe that im undeserving or incapable of feeling love or receiving love. and i think this is like a top 5 survival need. like food, water, shelter, love. maybe this is the intricate part of the human experience and we so easily cover food and water and shelter now for many people but you canot cover love. you cannot package it into a goverment subsidy and yet so may people suffering have lacked love. and this pushes them to drugs and alcohol and they suffer from depression and obesity and they eat themselves to diabetes and they let their feet rot off their legs because no matter how hard they worked, no matter all the good deeds they did; they never fully received their dues in love. they suffered ad struggled alone an family ad frieds and relatioships left them but hey - they made some money. and thank god they didt just “live on welfare”. but its like - if someone did not have food or water or shelter, you ouldnt immediately offer them a job to solve the problem. there is a immediate need that has to be filled before they can help themselves. you have to give them food so they can work. if no one cares, why the fuck should they? like you’re noteve a person you’re just “the homeless” now. and like everythng of your life is referred to as “the homeless” life now. 

im surrounded by people who have been given a lot of love in their life. even though theyve become blinded to their priviledges, theyve been given so much love. they are spoiled. they cant eve see the love thats being given. i argued with a mutual fried about another; she said it was rude to say this fried ould always be there heever she needed it and not show up. i told her isnt it enough to know in your soul this person wants that so badly for you but real life dictates differetly? like the love is there. the intention is there but real life doest allow it. she couldnt see the love. 

and i guess maybe some of these people are so spoiled that they dot understad the importance of something that is like breathing air to them. they probably believe i can get love elsewhere, just like they do. they are rich in love. but its the same thing - if someone tells me they love me, i actually believe they love me. well, i want to believe. 

i also believe this problem is “easily” solved for women by having children. children are a constant source of love and hen they turn out not to be, it’s ground shaking. mothers dont kno how to go on. but i believe, even in solid relationships, that children come from a desire to give and receive love that is not currently in their life. maybe i dont understand a maternal instinct. perhaps maternal instinct is this. maybe its kicked in and im too logical to understand that its not that “easy”. neither are relationships, and at least your kids legally arent allowed to abandon you. but i think this is why, especially with young mothers, theyre inclined (if single) to sort of “lose focus” on their children when a new man enters. suddenly, especially ina “honey moon phase”, theyre receiving a ton of love. more love and attention than their children, of any age, can probably give them. 

i have little expectations with love. i mean, i assume if you “love me” you wont be cruel or malicious. like, you wont try to harm me. thats what i expect. i dont even expect NOT to be harmed. i may be harmed. thats involved in love. you cant feel such strong things for someone and not be harmed somewhere down the line. it could be big or small; someone will eventually feel bad but then it’ll probably be okay again. however someone gives love, i try to receive it as is without shaping it to what i believe is right. love is abstract; you accept it as is but we all want to read into it and find the deeper meaning and stories and little things involved but in the end its just a very abstract concept hich encompasses a wide range of emotions and psychological things. you cant really say, “if you loved me you would do this or this”. its like you are the artist and love is your paint and the world is a canvas. you cant tell picasso how to paint. that only fits your mold. we liked picasso because of how he expressed it, how he painted it - not how you shaped his painting to your liking. 

and like youre allowed to not like someones painting - someones expression of love. and some people, they suck. like they just outright suck ass they need to go back to basics and start over before they unleash anymore of their “artistry”. and some people are offensive. some people create offensive things and this thing might hurt people or make people uncomfortable. most people ask to have their “art” - their “expression of love” taken seriously. however good or bad it is, it’s theirs and this is how they see it. but its like, i dont have to buy a jackson pollock and hang it on my wall because i respect his expression. i dont have to have sex with a woman because i respect homosexuality. so you can accept, respect and walk away from someones expression. it doesnt have to be for you. you can even have the freedom to speak about your feelings of this expression for yourself but you cant dictate how someone else should feel. 

i guess my situation is many of these men bought a picasso - or tried to, and for whatever reason, it’s not aroud anymore so they’ll accept a pollock in its place because i mean, he’s still “pretty good”. 

but you know - at the same time, it’s okay. this isnt a unique situation. this is very much part of the human experience. everyone at some point will feel this way to some degree. i just happen to feel it really strongly right now because of my circumstances in life. its like taking shrooms and one perso is cool ad another trips badly; theyre just not in the right place in the right way to experience this thing of life.  thats me right now. i wasnt prepared for this trip ad its pretty never ending. its like a really long road trip in fear ad loathing but its like 10 years of sitting ith johny depp and youve foud out he beats his ife and is a severe alcoholic and its just... overwhelming. 

so i dont know. i need to really accept and take this knowledge seriously. im proud that i just left because ive stayed too many times. i thought about it an had my guilt and ould stay for my shitty ride home and get my “daily kiss” and its just like.. i no longer hate myself this much. i can do better than this scenario. its not even a personal insult to him - his personality is cool. as a human, great. but the scenario we have created - WE, okay. not him. this is a joint effort where i allowed someone to treat me like this with full knowledge that it was bullshit. no one held me hostage and it wast like i just became a personal slave to him. but its like, i even explained it with drugs. once you allow yourself to normalize gross things, its not hard to become a junkie. like if you decide smoking crack or injecting drugs is the worst shit but suddenly you’ll smoke meth and you’ll inject a “safe” drug like k but “not heroin”. this is the “gateway effect”. so we normalized this really shitty behavior ad made it easy for him to fall into habits of doing things others would (and have) walked away from. 

you know, i hate that he makes future plans and none of them involve me. ever. but he tells me he loves me. and its like, i dont even have anxiety about whether or not ill see him today. i kind of hope i dont. i think itll be easy to assume im upset he “wont buy me food anymore”. but i really just.. we are on two different planets. equally confused by each others wants and needs. i dont eve want a conversation because if someone doesnt have the desire to be affectionate with me why bother asking. 

[ixnova]

yes, i agree, but these people in this post are not eating 25 twinkies a day.

Videogames: you can choose from twenty different eyelashes!!!! oh but you can’t be fat