#I always feel incredibly presumptive giving any advice

[gamblegun]

just wanted to pop in and say that i appreciate your blog, it has given me so much comfort, but i will totally understand and respect you if you delete it. im sorry for all of the hate you've gotten and had to see.

i've been really struggling with how trans men are treated currently and our historical erasure/non-inclusion lately. if i can be completely candid i feel like i no longer belong under the label "trans" and it honestly causes me discomfort. but i'm not cis either. i won't ever go off of T or be a woman or anything like that. i love my body but i don't love being in this community. i honestly can't even connect with the flag anymore. i tried but this recent outpouring of hate has made me realize how forced i felt.

i don't belong and at this point i dont want to mold myself into someone who does. i don't want to be the kind of person that antitransmasc trans people begrudgingly tolerate. i desperately wish i had some kind of third word or third space outside of all of this where i could just exist as a man. i don't care what i am "technically". i just want to be a man and to be left alone about it, not "cis or trans" but Just Some Guy.

reading your thoughts has made me feel less alone as I struggle with this mentality. i haven't found an answer and i doubt anyone will propose or make anything like what i want. but i just wanted to sincerely say. thank you. i would unironically send you $10 if I could (all the spare change I have right now.)

i may privately save some of your posts to re-read when i feel isolated and unheard. if that's not alright please feel free to enforce that boundary and i will respect it.

Hey, first of all I'm sorry you're going through that. I'm glad that my blog has brought some comfort to you, and I hope that wherever you end up and however you decide to conceptualize your identity, you find it fulfilling and peaceful. It's tough rn, I have trouble walking away from this discussion, especially since it tends to jump scare me when I'm engaging with fandom stuff, but a couple months break made me feel better, so I'd suggest setting it down and doing something you enjoy instead if you can. However, I know it isn't really all that simple since a lot of this pertains to irl problems, even just general transmasc isolation, so no judging if you struggle with disengaging. I haven't officially decided to delete this blog, it was mostly a vent post tbh, but feel free to save posts. I have long accepted that whatever I'm sending out into the internet will exist somewhere forevermore lol.

I currently haven't set up anything that I feel like is anonymous enough for my Inflammatory Opinions Blog, and even though I am very open to receiving money lol, I wouldn't want to take your last ten bucks. I'd rather you get a treat for yourself. Personally, I got myself a slice of tres leches cake after work today, it was delicious.

#asks #anons #idk wishing the beat for you anon #honestly I've been learning how to deeply enjoy masculinity and masculine things and that's been making me feel connected with my manhood #maybe you can explore your masculinity in a more enjoyable way though that? #instead of the community #I always feel incredibly presumptive giving any advice #*best #I relate to wanting to be Just a Man OP #I used to think I'd never go dull stealth but as I have progressed in my transition I understand it now #it's the only way to be treated normally even by your allies #*full

[femmefatalevibe]

how do you decenter men & dating? do you ever feel like it's difficult to handle the social pressure to have a partner/"time is running out"?

Honestly, I think my personality has a lot to do with it. I've always been called "stubborn" since I was a young girl and have been making nearly all life decisions for myself since I was a pre-teen/teenager, so creating a meaningful life has always been my top priority. The thought of centralizing my happiness or validity in this world around a phantom man who might or might not show up, or even worse, negatively impact my life – either short-term or permanently – in some way has never made sense to me.

It also helped that dating was something I never discussed with my family as a kid, never had any parental pressure/input on whether I should or shouldn't date, and have gotten next to no questions about boys/men basically ever. Of the 2-3 times or so it has come up as an adult, I set a boundary on my private life and just remind them of the question they're asking if no one is serious enough for me to mention on my own.

With friends, I don't feel pressured to be in a relationship just because they might be or looking for a partner. If anything, I find it entertaining to chat about it when they inevitably start asking for my advice or input on a given person or situation, lol.

I perceive general societal pressure to date for commitment or idealizing a relationship with a man as a projection of other people's neediness that I don't feel the inclination to entertain. If someone enjoys companionship, great for them, but I find it quite presumptive that someone can't differentiate between their personal needs and every other woman/person in society. We're all unique. If you're secure enough in your choices, you shouldn't need to spend your free time convincing others that your way of life is superior to others who choose a different path. I feel sorry for them, honestly.

In terms of "time running out," I think being child-free takes off the burden of this race against a "biological clock." I can imagine if someone wants children, the idea of dating, relationships, marriage, and timelines is a lot more stressful. I'm glad to see that many women who are undecided about kids or are giving themselves time to pursue other goals are starting to take advantage of egg freezing services en masse and speaking about their experiences publicly. I applaud all of you for exercising your right to bodily autonomy. You're all incredible for changing the narrative and idealization of women to become mothers as young as possible.

If you mean worried about "time running out" from a purely chronological perspective, I have the opposite view. Why would I want to waste my 20s – the years of youth, energy, and self-discovery – on a man that I probably will no longer speak to in the next 6 months or 1-2 years? I would be running out of time to set my life in the ways I want if I decided to put a considerable amount of energy into finding a partner and focusing on men (or anyone else's approval past a client relationship, interpersonal boundary, or ethical principle, of course).

Hope this was useful in some way xx

#feminism #female power #decentering men #patriarchy #intersectional feminism #feminine energy #feminist #dating #sex and relationships #relationships #women's empowerment #life path #girl blogging #it girl #dark feminine energy #dark femininity #life design #self discovery #high value woman #the feminine urge #female excellence #dream girl #queen energy #glow up #level up #self confidence #femmefatalevibe #personal growth #personal branding #cult of personality

[makingspiritualityreal]

Emotional Maturity means Letting Go

I was worried for a long time if what I'm about to describe is not me bypassing something emotionally so I hesitated to share it, especially if someone were to take it as advice, which would make me feel responsible. But after days of study I think it's safe to share my impressions as having some degree of accuracy.

Now what I'm about to say is going to sound easier than it was in reality, and it took me so much pain and so many years to get to this point. There is no other way around it, you have to feel it all to understand it inside yourself, truly. Understanding it conceptually without feeling it is not the same thing.

My observations concern the eternal question of all people, who feel like they have been fundamentally hurt at one point or another in life..."Will I be in pain forever?" The answer is no, even if you asking yourself this means you will be in pain for a very long time. It ends at some point.

The healthy resolution to such a process is when you spend these years conscious of how painful situations made you feel and you allow yourself to go through these emotions, then over time it stings less and less...until you notice you have grown so much from the person who has experienced these situations, it no longer feels like anything even if you remember what has taken place.

If any part of you still hurts regarding any pattern in your life, it simply points to unresolved parts of yourself, that others have triggered. Something hurts you not necessarily because you still care so much about that particular person or event, but because this side of you that has been wounded is still dealing with whatever your wound is pointing towards. You can feel like you are obsessing about the way you've been bullied 20 years ago as a 4th grader, but quite simply you have just created a pattern then, that has most probably spilled into your adult relationships also. So this wounded part of you still burns at the 4th grade memory, because this part of you didn't heal the emotional pattern responsible for that event.

It is however completely possible to arrive at a place in your life, where you no longer carry attachment to this particular sequence of events, which gives you a feeling of incredible peace.

To give you an example of how that may look, I will describe my moment of enlightenment, so that you can compare it to yours.

I used to hold a very strong attachment to who, how and in what circumstances "should love me and care for me". It came from a very bad model in my family (they always came from the presumption that caring was an obligation even if it went against one's personal happiness) but also in a way from desperation or loneliness. Naturally, we all need and desire love, and that is something that stays with us fundamentally. We also obviously remember if in some ways we were denied that love in our early upbringing, and early family life is a breeding ground for all sorts of toxic emotional patterns on this planet.

As aware as I am of that fact, and as conscious as I am of the cause consequence chain of the psychological influence my early life had on me, or that it led me to recreating certain patterns in relationships even after my childhood was over, I no longer care. I don't even have time or willingness to be angry or hurt about it. As long as I can have peace and can care for myself, knowing I am doing my best being in the right place, nothing else matters. Long term, these events don't deserve my time and energy anymore, and I don't want to bring them into my life, and since I have made sure I understand them so well, I simply don't have to deal with certain people or situations any longer. The narrow circle of equally narrow minded mistakes I was thrown into since birth has offered me enough wisdom to last a lifetime, and I just don't want to be in this kind of space anymore. I just want to do my best to keep my energy clean, as much as I can. I feel mostly bad for the people on my path, all so twisted, broken and suffering, unable to transcend their own shortcomings, their own lives miserable for it, their lack of inner peace, to the point I don't even want to think of their existence. Grudges come at too high a cost sometimes, and they easily turn into dead weight we're carrying around. When you’re ready, you have the power to place a boundary and decide you no longer want to invite certain energies in without wasting your life on investing in any feelings of latent anger.

#personal #spiritual journey #spiritual awakening #spiritual growth #spiritual development

[rotten-games]

Inspired by two asks from another Tumblr: How would the ROs feel if they found out the MC has a biological child from a previous relationship? (The child was living with the other parent, but is now going to live with MC) and after some time getting to know each other, the child surprisingly called RO Mommy or Daddy?

Yes i did write this from my phone while at work a few days ago. Yes i also did forget about it.

Ardwen: Ardwen does not like kids. They're snotty and gross and tiring and, frankly, he wants nothing to do with them. Which is why he's so surprises how well he takes the news of the Queenslayer's secret child and ex-lover. When did they have the time to... it doesn't matter, he supposes. At face value he's his usual cocky and unaffected self, but later, when he's alone, he probably has a panic attack. He can't take care of a kid! He hardly learned how to from his bastard of a father and Gods know he can barely take care of himself—he has a patron for that!

All things considered he'd mostly try to act like a weird uncle than a parent, he does not, and will not, co-parent with mc. It's just not in his nature. (He'd still treat the kid as best he can he just isn't comfortable being considered a parent.) All this simply to say he would be incredibly displeased to have a child call him 'father'.

Arke: He'd mostly be surprised to hear mc had a child. Five years isn't a long time to meet someone, have a kid, then break up, at least in his mind. A part of him would be a little jealous, another part would despair. He... isn't sure he can be a father, isn't sure if he has the right.

He isn't sure mc can be a parent either. They're too busy, what with world domination and all.

If the child ever called him father he isn't sure he could manage a smile. No, he'd mostly be afraid; afraid to make the same mistakes his own father did, afraid to make the same mistakes Wolfe and Azden did. He wouldn't feel confident enough to care for a child in the way that they might need.

Bex: (Can't say much for spoiler reasons) He'd be pleasantly surprised, actually, to find his love had a child. He's always wanted to be a father—a real father who can be there for a child—and he certainly wouldn't falt mc for wanting to spend time with their kid. He'd be a bit wistful, however, wanting to reach out and form some kind of relationship with the child but not wanting to step on mc's toes.

The day the child calls him daddy he'd probably cry. He just wants to be a dad ;-;

Calyssa: She'd be taken aback by the news. For one she never considered mc might have had a life before or after taking over the throne. She'd immediately scold herself for the thought but she certainly wouldn't be happy about fimding out mc has a child that they're putting in danger just by bringing them to live with them. While she most definitely loves children and would like one one day the time and place seems... innappropriate to raise a child.

But she'd bite her tongue on most of her thoughts.

If the child ever called her mother or some variation of it, it would probably knock her off-kilter a little bit. There'd be conflicting emotions swirling around inside her; fear and adoration most of all. She'd simply smile and elect not to correct it.

Druvel: Druvel likes children. He never really got to play with other children growing up and maybe he had to grow up a bit too fast but there's just something about the innocence that he appreciates in children, the wide-eyed wonder most seem to have. He enjoys their company and always has a soft spot for those that struggle. That being said he would never wish for one himself. Which is why he gets a bit angsty when mc breaks the news. He's a horrible rolemodel. He can be a friend to the child but he can never be a parent. If mc wants him to do that then he'd have to leave them because it's not what he wants and not what he'd be comfortable with.

Druvel wouldn't act violently upon being called father but he would try his best to come off as gentle but sound curt instead. He'd want the child to be calling him anything else, anything but that.

Emil: honestly he'd just be surprised mc has a child at all. He would think them a tad young to be having children; that kind of pressure is only ever put on royals and nobles. He would certainly know that first-hand. Despite that, he'd be awkward. Emil doesn't dislike children but he doesn't know how to interact with them; he suspects his upbringing contributed to that but there isn't much he can do about that now. Instead he'd smother his worries and pretend it's all fine.

He would cry if the child ended up calling him father. He's awkward and not good at taking care of anyone let alone himself, but he's growing on himself just a little bit and he supposes so has the child. Just a little bit.

Ettia: Ettia would already know. Don't ask how, she was a lot of things in the rebellion not all of which made her proud of herself, but she would never mention that. She'd act surprised, pleasantly so but the fact of the matter is that she'd have known for quite a while. She's never really thought about whether or not she'd like to have an active role in the upbringing of a child; all she's ever known is leaving them with the other parent. She just wouldn't know where to start.

If the child ever called her mother, it would be another pleasant surprise. It's... affirming, really, being called mother, if not a little strange. She'd certainly scoop the child up and tell mc about it straight away!

Gwyn: Like his sister he'd probably know already as well, however, mostly because he's a snooping little bastard with grabby raccoon hands for information. He'd definitely say so straight away but altogether he probably wouldn't be phased and simply move on.

That being said he's good with kids. Gwyn wouldn't exactly be a good parent but he'd be a fun one, and he'd take the new title in stride.

Herron: Herron would certainly not know what to say. He'd search for the words but come up empty and ultimately simply nod. What else is there to say? That mc shouldn't bring a child to a war? That the child could be endangered? No, he shouldn't step in where parent and child are involved. It's not his place. He'd look out for the kid though, when mc isn't looking. Mc is his partner but he doesn't want to get in the way.

Herron would be awkward upon hearing that title in reference to him, and probably correct the child just out of reflex. It would feel like a mounting pressure building in his chest as he struggles with the confusion of emotions garnered from such a simple title. He'd definitely ask mc what they think of the name. Whether... they think he deserves it.

Keller: A little bit relieved. There was always a pressure on her to have a child, from herself and others, and at least if mc has a child they probably won't contribute to that pressure. It's a selfish sort of thought, she knows that, and while she'd like a child one day they certainly (hopefully) don't need to be biological. In her own way she'd try to be a mentor to the child, but wouldn't step in on parenting problems unless mc asked for help.

If the child ever called her 'mother' she'd be genuinely happy. Still, she'd seek mc for guidance on the issue. They're the parent in this situation.

Korrin: Korrin might or might not have known beforehand. Either way they'd never say. Still it wouldn't particularly matter to them, it's mc's choice what they want to do, Korrin simply gives guidance when it's due but they're definitely not qualified to give advice on parenting so they take more of a hands-off approach and simply watch. They've no right to meddle in the affiars of a parent even if mc is their partner.

Well they'd certainly be taken aback by being called any combination of the two, though they're not sure how they'd feel. They... almost had a child with someone once, almost was a parent. Now they're not sure whether that's what they wish for themself.

Lokeira: This is fine meme. He probably wouldn't react the best, all things considered. Awkward at most, maybe not at all at worst. He just... doesn't do well with children; he's too moody and they're too over the top and he's... just not good around kids. A part of him hopes he can seem respectable enough for mc as a partner, a part of him is just afraid he'll make a mistake in front of the child.

If he were to be called father or anything of the sort he'd be incredibly uncomfortable. He doesn't want to be a father, not at this point in his life. Still, he'd slap on a shaky smile and pretend he never heard it.

Necrolym: He's always wanted a child, he's never really cared how or when. Mc would be met with excitement and support, perhaps with an embrace. He'd stop himself short of saying he's going to be a father; he's not going to make presumptions.

If the child ever called him father he'd cry very manly tears and immediately go to mc to tell them about it.

Nox: She's not a fan of children. Never has never will and she's certainly not looking for one herself. When the news breaks she goes quiet for a long time. It's an uncomfortable thought for her, realising her partner has a child, realising that child would soon be living with them. As selfish as she is, Nox is in a relationship. She'll just have to grin and bear it.

Grin and bear it is basically the the respomse to any child calling her 'mummy' too.

Qora: Qora wouldn't care or mind either way but she is worried about Zora. He doesn't play well with children; he's much too rough and all claws. Oh, he's fine with her but children are far too handsy for both their comforts. She just has to steel herself and prepare for every possible thing that could go wrong. It's fine. It'll be fine.

She probably wouldn't be comfortable being called mother or being considered a parent. While she can tolerate children she doesn't consider herself someone who would like a child.

Severa: Her first thought would be to tell mc how much of an idiot they are for bringing a child into such a dangerous place, and that thought would, really, be her only thought. What her personal feelings on the subject are is... discomfort. She doesn't want children for a reason, the same reason why her own parents did have children. She knows she's not in Xactha anymore, knows that the child isn't really her own, but clearly mc hasn't thought about this. And so she'd quietly watch over the child.

Severa wouldn't like being called mother. It would remind her of the expectations put upon her, of how if she ever does, no matter where she lives, that child would have to serve some years in the Xacthan army. She heabily discourages the child from calling her that.

Spotter: mc would be met with confusion. A child? As in a small creature related to mc? As in not a pet? It would put them on edge. They're not ready to take care of a child and while they know it's mostly mc's responsibility they also don't want their partner to take on the full responsibility of raising a child. And yet! They are barely an adult themself!

Once they calm down and finally get to know the child they'd probably feel incredibly happy being referred as one of the child's parents. A lot of blushing would accur, a lot of babbling, maybe some happy crying in the confines of mc and their room.

#scenario ask #ros #anonymous

[elliemarchetti]

Red Queen Pride and Prejudice AU (Part 4)

I wanted not to publish this part until I had reached at least a dozen notes on the third, but I’m a clown and I wanted to share this so bad, so, here we are. Hope someone is still interested, hope someone could enjoy something so silly in this trying times. 

Tag list: @lilyharvord

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Masterlist

Words: 2456

The day passed practically as the previous one: Miss Samos and Lady Haven spent a few hours with Wren, whose health continued, albeit slowly, to improve, and in the evening Mare joined the others in the living room. The table game, however, hadn’t been organized and the General was writing to his grandmother while Miss Samos, sitting next to him, controlled the progress of the letter, of a considerable length, and continually diverted his attention with messages for the recipient and congratulations for her friend’s handwriting and the regularity of the lines which, together with the complete disinterest with which they were received, formed a curious dialogue, in perfect coincidence with the opinion she had of both.

“You write at an extraordinary speed.”

"I'm sorry to admit you're wrong, in fact, I write rather slowly."

"How many letters do you have the opportunity to write in the course of a year?" she asked, though she didn't seem particularly interested in the answer. "Many will be about business. I guess you’ll find them hateful. I certainly would."

"Your guesses are becoming less and less correct day by day, my dear Evangeline," he replied, sardonically, and although she didn't seem particularly pleased with the answer, she asked him to tell her grandmother that she wished to see her again as soon as possible, which she must have already done, given his reaction. A brief period of time passed, in which all three were silent, when she started again , this time asking him if she should fix his pen, but the General replied he was fine and that it was anyway a job he always did by himself. The more time passed, the more Mare could understand that young man, whose pride was gradually diminishing, revealing he was actually unable to converse or stay in a company, a sign he must’ve had a cold and rigorous childhood, without friends or confidants, full of mentors and teachers, books and lessons.

"You always write her letters so long and beautiful?” she asked, and just then her brother walked in, accompanied by Lady Haven, which annoyed Mare a little, since she still hoped he and Wren could soon begin an official courtship.

"They are generally long, but as for always being beautiful, it’s not my job to judge,” replied the General who, although he had registered the newcomers, didn’t lift his head from the sheet.

"For me, it’s a certainty: a person capable of writing a long letter can't easily misspell," interjected Lady Haven, who had quickly rushed to snoop in turn. Mare didn’t agree with her, anyone could write long letters, even with a not particularly large vocabulary and a bad grammar, yet she said nothing, determined not to draw further attention to herself and too interested in the conversation, which had shifted to the General's use of extremely refined terms, evidently also in the letters addressed to his friends, something in sharp contrast with the writing style of Mr. Samos, which his sister defined as a set of sloppy scribbles.

"My ideas flow so quickly that I don't have the time to express them, hence sometimes my correspondents can't understand practically anything."

"It means that you let your heart write and not your mind," Mare commented, "and this does you credit, because you show yourself vulnerable to the people you love, something in stark contrast to your character with the rest of your acquaintances."

Mr. Samos seemed surprised by the compliment, while the General didn’t seem to like it, but Mare wasn’t in the mood to endure his malevolent comments, which always showed an ill-concealed wickedness and a stubborn decision to contradict her, so, before he could reply, she asked him if he didn't care about the influence of friendship and affection.

"The respect for the writer often leads me to overlook possible errors of little importance, but I would do better, perhaps, to wait for Mr. Samos to write something for my eyes before judging."

"It wouldn’t be advisable, before pursuing this topic, to agree with a little more precision on the degree of importance to be attached to this letter, as well as on the degree of intimacy existing between the parties?" the General asked, and before Mare could reply, it was the person directly interested who interrupted the discussion, which almost resembled a quarrel, with a joke, bringing his friend to end his task , while the three young ladies devoted themselves to analyzing the music sheets placed on the grand piano that dominated the right side of the room. Lady Haven sang with her friend, and while the two were busy, Mare couldn’t help but notice how the General's gaze stopped very often on her. She certainly couldn't suppose to be the object of the admiration of such a great man and that he looked at her because he disliked her would be even stranger. Eventually, she could only imagine that he turned his attention to her because there was nothing more out of place and reprehensible, according to his ideas of correctness, in any other person present. The hypothesis didn’t bother her: she liked him too little to hold on to his approval. After playing some Italian songs, Miss Samos started something more lively, and soon after General Calore, approaching Mare, asked her if she didn’t feel the strong desire to take the opportunity to dance. She smiled, but didn't answer. He repeated the question, a little surprised from what could be interpreted as a shy reaction. The truth was that she had heard him the first time, but had found herself undecided on what to answer, as she was sure that her interlocutor hoped for her assent, so he could denigrate her good taste, but for her it was always pleasant to upset these kinds of plans and deprive people of their premeditated contempt, so she replied negatively, with the sole purpose of offending him just as she had been offended by his comment when he called her not beautiful enough to tempt him. He, however, was incredibly gallant and found himself thinking that if it weren't for her humble origins, he would’ve found himself in serious danger because that young woman had bewitched him like no one before. Though she seemed too busy at first to notice, Miss Samos saw everything, and her strong impatience for Wren's recovery was somewhat reinforced by a desire to get rid of Mare, which risked to seriously jeopardize her plan. In this regard, she tried to instil in Cal a dislike for her own guest, talking to him about the alleged marriage and offering him a glimpse of the happiness that would follow such a union.

"I hope," she said, as they were walking in the grove next day, "that you’ll give your mother-in-law some advice, when this desirable event takes place, about the advantages of holding her tongue, and that you can limit the younger girl’s desire to run after officers, not to mention the delicate subject of your lady’s presumption and impertinence.”

"Do you have anything else to propose for my domestic happiness?" he asked, but before Evangeline could answer they ran into Lady Haven and Mare herself, coming from another path.

“I didn’t know you were going to take a walk,” she noted, a little embarrassed for fear of having been heard.

"You treated us horribly," Lady Haven replied, glaring at her, "running away without telling us you were going out."

Then, taking the General's free arm, she left Mare to walk alone. The path had room only for three and when the young man realized the rudeness he immediately proposed to move to the avenue, but Mare, who had no intention of staying with them, replied laughingly, before walking away with a brief farewell, that they formed a charming group and that a fourth person would ruined the picturesque appearance. From the window, Wren, who had felt strong enough to get up, saw everything and decided that she would come downstairs for a couple of hours that night. Making sure she was well protected from the cold, Mare accompanied her into the living room, where she was greeted by her two friends with many manifestations of joy; she had never found them more pleasant as in the hour that passed before the gentlemen’s appearance, and the demonstration that their remarkable ability to converse weren’t limited only to describing precisely the receptions they had attended but it was also extended to reporting anecdotes with a sense of humour and laughing at their acquaintances made her feel invigorated nearly as much as Ptolemus’ attentions who, on his arrival, spent the first half hour poking the fire and made sure she sat on the side of the fireplace farthest from the door. When he finally sat down next to her, he barely spoke to the others, which Mare noted with great pleasure. Once they had tea, Lucas Samos reminded his cousin of the game table, but in vain: Lady Haven had learned, in a completely confidential way, that the General hated cards and the few times he had played it had been only to not offend them, so suddenly everyone had lost interest in it, and seemed much more determined to devote themselves to reading, although Miss Samos's attention was much more concerned with checking the progress of the one she wished to make her husband soon than to read her own book; she never stopped asking him questions or peeking the pages, but she couldn't draw him into the conversation as he just answered her questions and kept on reading.  Finally, completely exhausted from her attempts to amuse herself with her own tome, which she had chosen only because it was the second volume of his, she gave a loud yawn and said: "How pleasant it is to spend an evening in this way! I feel like saying that basically there is no entertainment like reading! How quickly one gets tired of anything other than a book! When I have my own home, I would feel really miserable not to have an excellent library. "

No one replied, then she yawned again, put aside what, in her words, should’ve been her new favourite pastime, and glanced around the room for some amusement when, hearing that her brother was talking to Miss Skonos about a dance, she immediately turned to him, reminding him that for some of those present a dance would be nothing but torture. It was evident that the dig was thrown at the General, but he let his friend answer for him and raised his head only when Mare joined Miss Samos, by invitation, to stretch her legs. The platinum-haired young woman invited him too but he refused, noting that he could only imagine two reasons for that choice to walk back and forth in the room, both of which his participation would interfere. Miss Samos was dying to know what he meant, and as Mare was of no help to her, she insisted on her childhood friend, who replied that the first reason was that the two women had suddenly become intimate and had private affairs to discuss, and the second was to be admired, which he would’ve been able to do much better while sitting.

"I've never heard something so disgusting!” exclaimed Miss Samos. “How will we punish him for such a speech?”

"Nothing easier, if only you feel like it," Mare said, perplexed by the fact that her interlocutor had taken her by the arm, as if they were great friends. "We are always able to torment and punish each other. Tease him, laugh at him. As intimate as you are, you sure know how to."

"On my honour, I don't know. I assure you that intimacy still hasn’t taught me to tease such a quiet temperament without losing in the attempt, and as for laughing, we shouldn’t expose ourselves for laughing for no reason. I suppose he can congratulate himself.”

"Miss Samos gives me more credit than how much is due. The wisest and best of men, or better, the wisest and best of his deeds, can be made ridiculous by a person whose main purpose in life is to joke."

"Sure," Mare replied, "there are people like that, but I hope I'm not one of them. I hope I never ridicule what is wise and good. Extravagance and nonsense, tantrums and absurdities amuse me, I admit, and I laugh at it every time I can. But these things, I suppose, are just the ones from which you are immune."

"Maybe this isn’t possible for anyone, but in life I’ve always tried to avoid those weaknesses which often expose even a remarkable intelligence to ridicule," he replied, and it soon became apparent that a conversation of that rank would only take place between the two of them, though it also attracted Lucas and Elane’s attention.

"Even vanity and pride, then."

"Yes, vanity is undoubtedly a weakness. But pride... where there is real superiority of intellect, pride will always be under careful control."

Mare had to hid a smile, and Evangeline, who hadn’t understood what had just happened, asked her what the outcome of her study was.

"I am perfectly convinced that General Calore doesn’t have flaws. He himself admits it without a doubt."

"I've never demanded such a thing," he corrected her. "I have several flaws, but they don’t concern, I hope, the intellect, even if I certainly cannot vouch for my character, which I believe is very little accommodating, certainly too little in the eyes of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of others as much as I should, nor the offenses done to me. My feelings don't shift at each attempt to move them, my character could perhaps be called touchy and my respect once lost is lost forever."

"This is a real flaw!" Mare exclaimed. "A relentless grudge is a stain in a character, but as a flaw it’s chosen well, so I can't really laugh at it. In mine opinion, you’re safe."

"In every temperament there is, I believe, a tendency to some particular sin, a natural imperfection that not even the better education can defeat,” he went on, "and if in my case it may seem that I hate everyone, which isn’t true, in yours it certainly is obstinacy in misunderstand them."

Mare would’ve liked to continue that conversation, but Miss Samos, tired of hre inability to take part in it, proposed to make some music and after a brief moment of reflection, Cal decided that it wasn’t a bad idea: he was beginning to clearly feel the danger of giving Miss Barrow too much attention.

#pride and prejudice au #p&p #red queen au #marecal #ptolewren #mare barrow #cal calore #ptolemus samos #wren skonos #evangeline samos #elane haven #lucas samos #anabel lerolan

[phidiaspickle]

For @everysoonceinawhile

Cancer ~ IMAGINATION AVARICE INSIGHT IRRITABILITY TENACITY DESPONDENCY AFFECTION POSSESSIVENESS CARING CAUTION MOODINESS HYPERSENSITIVITY

Snake - INTUITION DISSIMULATION ATTRACTIVENESS EXTRAVAGANCE DISCRETION LAZINESS SAGACITY CUPIDITY CLAIRVOYANCE PRESUMPTION COMPASSION EXCLUSIVENESS

“I feel”   Water, Moon, Cardinal

“I sense”  Negative Fire, Yang

As Cancers go, the Snake type is more independent of ponderous emotional fetters than his kin. He’s familial to be sure, and even clinging—after all, he is both Snake and Cancer! But the Cancer born a Snake, unlike certain other Cancers we all know and love, recognizes his own weaknesses, comprehends his black moods and, because of his cool-headed sagacity, usually manages to slither out of the lunatic doldrums for which Cancers can be so famous.

As Snakes go, the Cancer/Snake will be less cold-blooded than other serpents. Cancer’s brooding soulfulness and profound affectivity lend the Snake a blanket, caress his cold exterior and warm the heart into something close to affability. Snakes can be really cool customers. They wiggle and squirm their way in and out of every variety of situation and are clever as snakes at turning most circumstances to their favor. In the Cancerian Snake, this tendency to want the leading role in all of life’s movies is tempered by common sense and natural reserve.

All Snakes are created fabulators. But some are more prevaricating than others. Cancer/Snakes are among the least slippery of serpents. They might not bamboozle their grandmothers just to make themselves look good. Nonetheless, even the sensible Cancer/Snake is capable of rank dissimulation and tells ingenious and Byzantine fibs. He can’t help it. He believes his own fantasies. Fibbing, after all, is part of the challenge of seduction and capture. And all Cancer/Snakes want to be thought of as captivating, charming, beautiful to behold, better than their neighbors and taller and handsomer and better dressed than anybody anywhere ever. Attractiveness is inborn and crucially important to this creature.

These folks are not above name-dropping and label-flaunting. Picture the splendid home-loving Cancerian/Snake seated on his designer couch, wearing his designer jeans. His tanned and braceleted arms embrace a brood of beautiful towheads in designer frocks and Bermuda shorts Behind his head, a Picasso. At his feet, a giant Pyrenees hound found only in the furthest darkest caves of Andorra. Everybody knows these huge beasts eat at least one small cow every day, are très, très à la mode and fetch a fortune. Never mind. The image is the message with Cancer/Snakes. No matter the cost or the travail involved, count on your friendly neighborhood Cancer/Snake to own the most chic and fashionable of everything.

Incidentally, if you don’t live in an upper-echelon neighborhood you may never meet one of these gorgeous creatures. If they can help it, Cancerian Snakes don’t hang out in scruffy sections. They may come from poverty, but they are determined not to stay there for long. Up and over they go, attending the “right” schools and rubbing shoulders with the “in” crowd, marrying the one person in the whole gang who is sure to become famous and rich. Cancer/Snakes don’t only like comfort, they think they invented it.

These people love to entertain, too. Once they have achieved a modicum of security and know a few of the “top” people, count on the Cancer/Snake to throw some of the most lavish and well-attended parties in town. Of course Cancer/Snakes will have catered food and a pair of bartenders, set a team of servants to work shucking the oysters, and then will circulate. The way he sees it, the Cancer/Snake cannot very well move about among his guests, charm the pants off the chancellor of Germany whose press secretary promised he’d put in an appearance, inveigle the secretary of the art museum to give him a private showing of the new upcoming work of the younger artists and serve drinks at the same time—or can he? Well, it doesn’t really matter, because he won’t. Cancer/Snakes like to be waited on. And as long as they can afford slaves they will be sure to have them.

These people are extremely artistic. They have a way of embellishing everything that comes their way. And Cancer/Snakes are also wise and can be of good counsel. They are super intuitive, really can project themselves into other people’s skins and will think long and hard about someone’s dilemma before dispensing a single word of their sage advice.

Cancer/Snakes are fun-loving too. They are always up there dancing till dawn with the heartiest of the youngsters, looking fabulous and enjoying being the envy of all present. And don’t put it past a Cancer/Snake to be “that woman who stripped to her undies last week at the posh club over in Soho.” Cancerian Snakes have a naughty streak. They like to be considered a mite outrageous or exotic.

Love

Possessive? Exclusive? Demanding? Intractable? You got it—the Cancer/ Snake is all of these and much, much more. The Cancer/Snake is so attractive and sexy and lovely to watch move that people may gather just to watch him or her enter a public place. These people have the market cornered on slink. Underneath the slink is an amazing amount of good-scouted, good-hearted fellowship and an enormous caring for friends and lovers alike. The Cancer/Snake will not be faithful. But he or she will always be seductive and alluring. Even if he’s carrying on a roaring affair with the German minister’s secretary, the Cancerian Snake will always attend to his or her mate as though he or she were the ruler of Germany itself.

If you love a Cancerian Snake, get ready to make a lot of money, spend it all and then go out and make some more. As the mate of this exciting person, you will luxuriate in perfectly glorious surroundings and have scads of very decorous friends and acquaintances to whom you can complain that your Cancer/Snake companion is too attractive to other men and women and you wish you had married a nice solid Taurus/Dog. In order to get the best out of life with a Cancer/Snake, you have to be able to fall down laughing, ooohhh and aaahhh when he comes down the stairs dressed to kill, and enjoy cooking your own meals and eating them alone by the fireside while Cancer/Snake is out rounding up some new sculptures to beautify your existence.

Compatibilities

You get a charge out of Roosters. Your best shots with them will be found among Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio and Pisces. The same goes for Oxen in all those categories. You’re not thrilled by Aries or Capricorn/Tigers or Monkeys. Leave Pigs alone. I know they are usually naïve and often have lots of money; and you have plenty of guile for both of you and excel at spending money. But, let’s face it. You don’t always have Piggy’s best interests at heart.

Home and Family

Cancer/Snake’s main home will be located, it goes without saying, in the best possible quarter of the closest metropolis to heaven. But then there is, of course, the house in the country. This little manse is likely to want to be situated right in the heart of the most celebrated verdant horse and dog-breeding territory, not too far from the first paradise we mentioned. Then, you have to have a place at the beach. That’ll be located on the prettiest seashore available at the highest price, please. And don’t forget the little mas in the south of France—or was it Tuscany? Well, wherever, it won’t be long before the Cancer/Snake invests in some opulent, trendy foreign real estate.

Inside these homes will live masses of children and dogs and cats and house guests and maids and nannies—well, you name it, it lives at the Cancer/Snake’s house. You see, with all their elegance and savoir vivre, Cancer/Snakes love pets and kids and guinea pigs and horses etc. Cancer/ Snakes are really incredibly dear, sweet people. They really don’t mind if your Doberman jumps up on their new Jaeger tweed skirt.

If you have a Cancer/Snake child, you must be careful to provide him or her with lots of security and plenty of animals to love. As is true with all Snakes, it’s probably best for the exclusive Cancer/Snake child to be an only child, or at least the baby of the family. Cancer/Snake kids are bright in school and work hard to get ahead. They usually don't cause their parents many problems and carry on with their lives quite independently of the parents’ intervention. These little people are very affectionate. You must always tuck them in warmly and kiss them goodnight.

Profession

In the early part of his life, the Cancer/Snake, like all his serpent brothers and sisters, will try to wriggle out of chores and tasks. And just because he’s a Cancer doesn’t mean that he won’t have to fight the great battle against sloth that is native to all Snake subjects. But as adulthood approaches and the Cancer/Snake grows more and more independent of parental security, he will note that riches and work are irremediably intertwined. Then his true Cancer nature will take over. He’ll still be on the sit-around-and-look-beautiful side of a lazy Sunday afternoon. But the grown-up Cancer/Snake can be counted on to pitch in when there’s a need for a second shoulder at the wheel.

Talented in everything related to beauty and the home, this person can succeed at decoration, architecture, graphic design of all kinds, fashion or advertising. Gifted in deception, persevering and supremely intuitive, Cancer/Snakes might also choose law—even politics—as a life’s work. This character is more cerebral than manual but might employ his talents well in some light labor such as landscape gardening. Cancer/Snakes can very satisfactorily hold dominion over others. They do not have to abuse power because their authority is so natural that people rarely question it. As an employee, the Cancer/Snake might tend to be a little on the snooty know-it-all side. I’m not sure I’d hire one to do a menial job of any sort.

A very famous Cancer/Snake: Andrew Wyeth, one of the best and surely most successful contemporary painters in the United States. Also: Peter Maas, Ashley Montagu, Alain Krivine, Christiana Rochefort, Henri Salvador, Liv Tyler, Martha Reeves, Twyla Tharp, Vicki Carr.

[donnerpartyofone]

I stumbled upon your blog because of obvious reasons, but reading your replies to questions was v refreshing and surprising.

you know, sadly i just assumed you were my most currently active troll at first, but i can see from my traffic report that that guy visited me at 8:30 last night, 3:30 this morning and 7:30 this morning, but only one stranger visited my ask. so, now i don’t have to be inexplicably rude to you! thank you for your comment, that's nice of you to say. feel free to detached from the rest of this state of the union address.i think that i usually answer in a pretty frank manner, or if the message doesn’t give me much to work with, i try to come up with some free association response that i think IS entertaining to me. ordinarily i’m not nasty to people unless they give me a reason; it’s fun that people want to tell me all kinds of random stuff. it gives me some exercise, to see what i really think about things. this is why my new troll’s message was so suspicious. i blocked him so i can’t pull it up now, but i posted a screenshot yesterday...the idea boiled down to something like, “you think you know everything about what your anons think and feel, but you’re dumb because everything you say is just you projecting.” then there was a nervous addendum to the tune of “i know you won’t even answer honestly because you’re embarrassed now, and you never take anything seriously, so why do you bother”, which is kind of a typical first line of defense for people who are really afraid to argue: “i just asked you a question, but i’m afraid of your response, so i’m just going to preemptively declare that whatever you say next is pointless bullshit.” - anon accuses me of presuming to know the unknowable about other people, but he simultaneously assumes that i “answer selectively” as if he knows what’s in my inbox, and that i’m too “embarrassed” to be honest, as if he knows the difference between my public statements and my secret heart or whatever.- he calls me embarrassed, but only addresses me anonymously, o the irony. this is a pretty embarrassing move, but it may be that i've already blocked him once, which i'll get back to.- anon presumes that i think i know what every anon’s deal is, and i don’t realize that anything i say is just a reflection of myself. of course everything i say is a reflection of myself, just like every other subjective intelligence on the planet earth. of course my blog is essentially about me, because what else would it be? nobody is paying me to do this.- there is a widespread, toxic presumption in the tumblr ecosystem, that bloggers *owe* their audience their absolute and unadulterated personal truths, and anything left out represents some sort of ripoff. this is pretty funny, since most people are here to become some alternate version of their “real life” selves, whether it’s a dramatized version or a warts-and-all version. so it’s hard to explain this attitude, except that people in general are just incredibly, jealously demanding, and want to be treated in a “customer is always right” fashion even when they aren’t the customer of anything. this is especially true when it comes to female bloggers, who are routinely punished any time they are less than ecstatically grateful for even the nastiest attention, and who are also constantly accused of being fake, along the lines of that “this is why i have trust issues” meme. gee, i wonder why all that is.- and finally, as i mentioned, the troll’s message was very curious because i am usually forthright with people. i answer pretty much everybody unless they give me absolutely nothing to go on, and i think the most entertaining thing to do is to take all questions really seriously, so that’s my usual approach. i’m only mean when people are here to be assholes or, and as in more recent cases, whose messages amount to hate speech and other total fucking garbage political notions. so if anon thinks that i’m constantly insulting and superficial to the people i do answer, and that i actually ignore the majority of messages i get, then it pretty much has to be the case that this guy has been individually ignored by me, and/or believes that i have made unfair assumptions about him as a human being. in my sevenish years here, the number of people i’ve dealt with in that way is super limited, and only two of them have failed to fuck off. one of them is the alt right troll, who doesn't address me as the blog owner, he just rolls his shit in here like i'm his personal megaphone. (which is why i stopped posting his messages) the other one is a person from a while back, who happens to be from the northwest, who out of the blue sent me a string of really heinous unwelcome sexual messages about himself. i never responded to any of them, so he transitioned over to anon in what he actually admitted was an attempt to trick me into talking to him. i blocked him and made some public posts about the experience, because why wouldn't i, this is the place where i say things that happen to me. he appeared to fly into a rage, left me a shitty "final message", and fucked off at last.so, i'm guessing this is that guy, based on his behavior, statements and location. hopefully this doesn't prompt him to tell me another gross delusional story about his dick, so i won't have to kill myself to unhear it. if it's not him, you know, that's fine. when you send anybody an anonymous message, they are free to make whatever assumptions they want about you and your motives. you have made yourself literally not a person, and offered no way of having an enlightening conversation about whatever you're trying to say. it's the risk you take by hiding your identity and so you can say whatever you want with impunity. nobody owes you anything at all. on the other hand, if you're anon for fun or for personal advice or any other perfectly good reason, i hope you'll keep it up in spite of the recent asshole siege going on here. thanks for being decent.

[cle-guy]

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

I suspect I will regret writing this, but I feel I must write my thoughts or risk going insane.  The Tara Reade accusation stretches back basically to the beginning of my life.  I, personally, can barely remember things which occurred a few years ago (at times) let alone remember specific details.  So, for me, I find many things about her accusation puzzling.   

The most (physically) traumatizing moment in my life was being hit by a car, at age 17, on August 19th, 2009.  It was in the afternoon, the sun was shining brightly.  I was running with my cross country teammates on a run which took us out past Shaker Boulevard, and then ran back on Gates Mills Boulevard (where, it so happens, I lived at the time).  My day started with french toast (which I cooked) made with milk, eggs, a healthy dab of crunchy peanut butter, and strawberry jam.  

I later went to the Terminal Tower, ran into a friend Rick Bashine on his way to lunch, and got a baseball I caught during spring training signed by Shin-Soo Choo who was signing at a local sports memorabilia store.  I then went to the doctor, got a check up which was required for cross country, asked for advice to deal with a family matter, and went to Staples (on Mayfield Road near Lander Road, next to a gas station).  I bought a new backpack (which I still have, it's a Victorinox bag with two big pockets), and went to practice.   

I ran with Bart Merkel, James Conners, and other members of the varsity team, before falling behind towards the end of the run.  My ankle was bothering me from a minor injury I sustained at the XC camp I had attended with teammates that summer.  My father passed me and my teammates by in his Yukon-XL on Gates Mills Blvd, before I fell behind.  As I fell behind, I crossed Cedar Road (where I recall the shadows covering most of Cedar, before giving way to bright sunshine) where my memory ends.  A few minutes later I was struck by the car, and I remember nothing until I woke up in the hospital, with my grandma (in complete darkness to my recollection) standing to my left trying to sooth me in my anguish. 

I will never, ever, forget this day.  It was traumatizing, it was painful, and is as clear to me now as it was a decade ago.  

This is, also, not apparently the case with Tara Reade.  She does not remember when, or where, her experience occurred.  Furthermore, she apparently told quite different stories to different people.

To her mother she, apparently, only expressed “problems” with her former employer.  I will also note, despite claiming she was sexually assaulted, her mother went to Larry King for advice which seems....less than credible.  Nor, despite the anonymous nature of her call, did she go with the worst version of the story (which sounds puzzling).  This is to say we assume this was Tara Reade’s mother, and we assume the “problems” are about Joe Biden.  I am not saying these things are false, I am saying an anonymous call, referring to an anonymous victim, which describes unknown actions about an anonymous perpetrator are hardly convincing, or credible.  

To her brother she said she was harassed, she said the same thing to an anonymous friend.

Finally, to Lynda she apparently told the full story.  I only say apparently because...Lynda’s recollection is only as good as Tara’s credibility, and while Tara experienced the event: Lynda is recalling being told a story.  She said this after Tara went public with the full details.  Is it possible Lynda’s memory is not perfect?  Certainly.  Especially since she was told years after the events supposedly happened. 

Tara then told the public one story, before changing it.  

In short, her story has varied and changed with the wind.  

Additionally I find other details about Tara Reade perplexing.  For 1: she, apparently, declined to go to the press in 1993 out of “respect” for Joe Biden.  Huh?  If her story is 100% true, I find it less than credible that she kept quiet out of respect for Joe.  Furthermore, until quite recently she was praising Biden on social media.  This does not even mention her potential reference about how she was going to come forward to harm Biden’s election chances in March of this year, or her love letter to Vladimir Putin (which she dismisses as part of a “book” she was writing, which I find ridiculous).  The fact we do not have, yet, the complaint she claims she files is also confounding.  Overall: Reade’s story is hardly perfect.

But, then again, who’s story is perfect?  Her original allegations are quite credible, are backed up by similar stories from other women, and make total sense.  Even if the details are not quite perfect, that does not mean she is lying nor does it mean that Biden is completely innocent if all her details aren’t correct.  The fact a neighbor corroborated her story in total helps her case (I don’t find the other corroborations particularly convincing).  Still Democratic Senators and Representatives have been toppled for far less.  

On the flip side, Biden has spent his career fighting to change the culture around sexual assault.  He famously wrote the Violence Against Women Act (an act, he has said numerous times, is his most consequential piece of legislation) and reauthorized it.  He also led the effort under the Obama administration to curb sexual violence on colleges (using, ironically, the preponderance of evidence standard).  I say ironically, and not hypocritically, because (if Biden is innocent): Biden clearly has powerful evidence against Tara Reade’s allegations.  

In short we have a testy he said, she said battle pitting a former vice-president against his former aide.  What to do?

I go back to my title: I believe in the presumption of innocence.  I never felt comfortable with the #MeToo movements adamant determination to prosecute every allegation against every man (or woman).  I completely agree that women were discounted for too long, and I am glad this is changing.  But I am also uncomfortable with the basic assumption (among many) to assume every allegation is credible, and we must assume the worst.  

I did not agree with the forced resignation of Al Franken (although I understood the imperative behind it).  I also was 100% convinced by the arguments Democrats pushed on Brett Kavanaugh.  Had I been wrongfully accused of sexual assault I imagine, like Kavanaugh, I too would be furious and lash out at people (although for a potential Supreme Court Justice I did find his conduct unbecoming).  I am not convinced every allegation levied against Donald Trump is true, either.

But for me, the point is not whether every allegation is true: the point is we look.  If we take each case individually the evidence against Franken included one story, and a troubling picture (which we can assume could have been taken out of context).  I do not think the treatment he received is fair, by any stretch of the imagination.  With Kavanaugh: I am not sure what happened to Ford, and given the presence of alcohol it’s entirely possible neither person knows what exactly  happened.  However, I feel we also have pretty convincing evidence Kavanaugh lied about his drinking habits (which, I add, he lied under oath in a congressional hearing).  On that basis, and not fully the sexual assault allegation: I opposed his confirmation.

Trump is a different story.  Not only is the breadth of allegations against him much greater, but the pattern and evidence much stronger.  Without getting into details we can say for sure he was accused by his second wife in their divorce settlement, multiple times by others, have eye witness testimony on him barging into dressing rooms, and infamously his own accounting on the Hollywood Access tape.  While any individual allegation is potentially false: I find it incredibly difficult to believe all of them are false.  

To bring this back to Tara Reade: I don’t know if what she claims is true.  I do find it difficult to believe that nothing happened.  However, since the evidence itself is lacking (and will likely remain so given the length of time since the alleged event occurred): I highly doubt we’ll ever know.  By Reade’s own admission: nobody witnessed event, by her own admission: she forgets where and when it occurred.  As such, it makes it even more difficult for Biden to prove its not true (assuming he’s innocent) even if he made all of his documents available (which, I will add, I don’t think he should make available).

With all this in mind, barring strong evidence to prove otherwise: I will choose to accept the forceful denials of Vice-President Biden.  I furthermore will support him, if he remains the nominee, even if evidence comes later in the cycle.  Which is not to say I take the allegations lightly, but with Donald Trump the alternative: the lesser of two evils is almost always preferable.  

That topic is one, I am sure, I will write about in a future post.    

#joe biden #politics #2020 election #ethics

[spicedmango]

Let’s Talk About Death (Over Dinner)

Michael Hebb

On gauging someone’s readiness to talk: “You can be the change you want to see by extending the invitation and showing your willingness to talk, but that’s really all you can do.” PG. 24

“Despite the necessary ambiguity of advice in this book, there is one solid, golden rule that gets me through every difficult conversation about death -– or sex or drugs — with family, strangers, friends, lovers and even sworn enemies. I know that I need to identify and say the things I am afraid of saying. This is the tried-and-true method: to meet each person with radical vulnerability in these hard topics. Honesty and vulnerability are contagious.” PG. 33

Prompt: If you only had thirty days left to live, how would you spend them? Your last day? Your last hour?

Prompt: What foods do you remember a departed loved one cooking for you?

“One of the perennial pieces of wisdom shared by hospice nurses is to let our loved one know it is okay to leave us when it is time. Many deaths are prolonged by the sense that we need to stay alive for our family. Doing the impossibly difficult thing of letting a loved one knows that you are going to be okay will reduce suffering.” Pg. 54

Prompt: If you were to design your own funeral or memorial, what would it look like?

“... Because life is an incredible gift, and death helps us recognize this. We need more than a place to put our grief. We need opportunities to express our overwhelming joy at being alive, and we need to do it together.” Pg. 60

Prompt: Is there an excess of medical intervention at the end of life?

“... We live cures. We’re excellent at saving lives, but struggle to accept we can’t save everyone. And a good death is as important as a successful resuscitation.” PG. 65

Prompt: Do you have your will, advance-care directives and power of attorney complete and if not, why?

Prompt: What is the most significant end-of-life experience of which you’ve been a part?

Prompt: Why don’t we talk about death?

The message to shout from the mountaintop is not that the bad stuff that happened to you in childhood is going to kill you; instead it’s this: if you do talk about it, your chances of healing are much higher.” Pg. 98

Why we don’t talk about death: 1) the base-rate bias (we only provide probability for specific ages), 2) the normalcy bias (the belief that if something doesn’t happen to us, it never will), 3) the courtesy bias (we often state opinions that are socially acceptable, so that we do not offend the other person).

Prompt: How do you talk to kids about death?

“Death is a land that has no experts — we are all looking into the void together.” Pg. 108

Prompt: Do you believe in an afterlife?

“Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” - pg. 109

“I’ve always thought life is like a penny,” Monica said, reflecting on the experience. “You can see one side or the other, but you can’t see both at the same time. This side is life, and death is the other side of the coin. But it’s all one thing.” Pg. 113

“Everything we say about death is actually about life.” Kyoto Mori pg. 116

Allie Hoffman - reporter with People Magazine (Covered Brittany Maynard)

“I try to ask myself every day: Could I live more like that? Could I acknowledge the fragility of right now? Could I stay on the lookout for a flash of sapphire under the dying leaves?” Pg. 123

Are you an organ donor? What surprised me about reading this chapter is the feeling people (in this prompt, they discussed teenagers) get when they receive an organ that saves their lives. It’s almost like a rebellion against their own bodies – because someone had to die for them to live. Also, the fact that people simply do not want to be organ donors (unless religious) simply because they can’t bear to think about it... despite the lives they know they would save.

Prompt: What song would you want played at your funeral? Who would sing it?

Prompt: What does a good death look like?

Prompt: What do you want done with your body?

“When we don’t know how to honor our loved ones, it adds immense confusion to devastating loss and elongates the healing process. If we know of a clear ritual to honor their legacy, if we know their desires, we have a powerful role to play.” PG. 149


“Ritual is a powerful and imperfect science. Ritual and death have been fused for the entire history of mankind. Nowhere is it clearer than in a relationship to how we treat our bodies or our dead loved ones. As we consider what we want, it is important to realize that we are pulling from thousands of years of tradition.” PG. 151

Prompt: Are there certain deaths we should never speak of?

“When author and speaker Megan Devine talks about grief, she says that one of the most important things you can do is to be “known as the person who can withstand the details.” PG. 169

Prompt: If you could extend your life, how many years would you add? Twenty, fifty one hundred, forever?

“Consciously or not, we realize that life without an end would be come a flat, featureless expanse, just one thing after another, literally ad infinitude. Endlessness would suck the vitality out of our existence.” PG. 173

“We need endings. Because the most basic ending of all is built into us. My mortality does not negate meaning. It creates meaning. It is not how long I live that matters. It is how I live. And I intend to do it well, to the end. We are finite beings within infinity.” PG. 174

“To sum up this deep dive into life extension and primal fear: I hope that we can begin to be more clear: Are we afraid of talking about death, or are we afraid of dying? Are we afraid of dying, or are we afraid of not having left and authentic mark on the world? And perhaps we can shed even more of presumptions and anxiety and accept that it is enough to use have lived and then died. As Lesley so poignantly asked: What’s wrong with dying?” PG. 178

Prompt: What do you want your legacy to be?

“I don’t think anyone decides to have a child because they think it’s going to be easy. It’s all about accepting uncertainty. Paul was initially way more certain than I was — he even wanted to have twins. In Breath Becomes Air Lucy asks Paul, “Don’t you think saying goodbye to your child will make your death more painful?” And Paul responds, “Wouldn’t it be great if it did?” He added later, “We would carry on living, instead of dying.”

Prompt: How long should we grieve?

“Grief has no time limit, it is not about time. It is about letting go of a person we loved, a future that we imagined them in, and it also means letting go of a part of ourselves that we may be attached to. There is a wound that is created, and every wound heals at a different rate.” PG. 190

“It’s been said that we’re not as afraid of death as w are of grief. I think it is worth meditating on that thought. It is pretty immense.” PG. 191

“People will say to her... “My mom doesn’t understand how to be there for me. My best friend isn’t reaching out to me. My friends left me.” And Dianne tells them, not unkindly. “That’s the way it goes, sister, because people are people. In times of grief, choose your tribe.” PG. 192

“Accepting death doesn’t mean you won’t be devastated when someone you love dies...”

Prompt: What would you eat for your last meal?

Prompt: Is there a way you want to feel on your deathbed?

“Shame drips into every part of our lives, and death has some of the richest waters for it to dissolve. As bestselling author Brene Brown states, “Shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence and judgement....” “From a physiological perspective, shame throws us into flight, flight or freeze. It is not a state where growth occurs. When we shame each other around death, we literally suspend our ability to heal or grow.” PG. 209

Prompt: What would you want people to say to you at your own funeral?

“If I don’t know how to properly receive love, then what could I possibly know about being alive? I was only using one side of my heart –– giving love, taking care of people (and avoiding those who I didn’t want to love anymore). I had built up this massive muscle — unbalanced and in danger. I didn’t arrive at a pithy epitaph that day, but what this bizarre gift did provide was the clear directive that receiving love is where I needed to focus my attention.” Pg. 214

“What if, whenever possible, we leaned in toward mortality a little more?... What if we stopped pretending, until the last breath was drawn, that it was all going to get better? What if we gave the experience some space, not just for ourselves to grieve, but for the person who’s dying to grieve too?... It takes unbelievable gumption and heart to say, this is it, so hold me and tell me you love me. It takes strength to invite death in and to know when to stop raging against the dying light. To not put on a happy face and not to make any more plans together and just sit with the truth that one of you is leaving.” PG. 215

Epilogue

“It is a conversation that expands our understanding of compassion and has the capacity to connect us more poignantly than any topic I have encountered. As Ram Dass reminds us, “We are all just walking each other home.”

“It drives home the truth that there is no one way to end a conversation about death, and there Is no one way to talk about death. Death walks with us our entire life. The best thing I can suggest is that we all get better acquainted with our constant companion.” PG. 221