#I am living in constant fear

[human-trainwreck]

can this trade deadline just hurry up and pass already

my heart can’t take this shit

#I am living in constant fear #anxiety? all time high #nerves? on #hotel? trivago #no trade my guys #don you bitch stay where you are #carolina hurricanes #hockey #canes lb #hockeyblr

[realbeefman]

stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!

wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end

#yeah im too sleepy to revise this. UNFILTERED posting wooahh #some may b shocked but i do actually read thru most of my posts several times to make sure i didnt accidentally write mein kampfe 2 #recently ive come to the realization that i am in fact not an incredibly chill person #and that the constant paranoia and fear in which i live my life is actually PROBABLY a symptom of severe anxiety #like damn. ive always known that im pretty prone to depression but ive preetty much always been aware of that #my mom is a chronic depressive so i know the symptoms i know the signs i have a pretty good arsenal of healthy coping mechanisms #UNFORTUNATELY mommy's mental health problems did not help her not abuse me as a child #so i ended up being a terribly anxious kid who was constantly being screamed at and told i was overreacting (because i was. because i had #a severe anxiety problem that was making me react irrationally.) to everything all the time #which is you know. it is VERY difficult to deal with a mental health problem when you arent aware you have a problem! #its incredible how much. better. my life has gotten since i figured this out and started actively trying to work out what triggers it #and being able to like. realize 'oookay. there is an Issue here and it needs to be overcome' #instead of just beating on myself constantly for not being able to do things without feeling sick or getting breathing problems! #anyways. trauma dumping in tags is over now! #house md #hilson #greg house #james wilson #stacy warner

[daftpatience]

one thing I have learned about being poor is that you cannot for a moment stop thinking about it

#theres no peace #every little thing reminds me we are poor #seeing friends having electricity wifi heat food gas. it all costs money. and bills and fees and charges happen all the damn time #im constantly worried that i am measing up somehow or im not keeping track of my finances properly #the person handling our disability assistance application keeps coming back with question after question about my job #and i have so much doubt and fear that ive made some mistake in my answers that will disqualify us from support #and theres this sick backwards stupid thing where applying for and being on disability support is discouraging me from trying to make money #because the more i make the less likely we'll get support but i need to make money to live #its just fucked. and once we're on support i have to make monthly reports of my income so ill feel like im explaining myself all the fuckin #time #cus the system isnt built in a way that makes sense for self employed ppl who have business expenses to account for #sorry for the ranting i cant sleep #truly truly i think poverty is making me a worse persin #more anxious more resentful more jealous more miserable more spiteful #i have so little and there is so little i can do to help it #i want things in a more desparate and even childish way than i used to eant things #spend a lot more time fantasizing about magically having expendable income #not to mention the constant exponential guilt that comes from asking for help or recieving help. its guilt i need to unlearn but i feel it

[floof-writes]

Brennan I love you but you simply must stop bringing up Neverafter in Junior Year Adventuring Parties. I am trying my best but my best does not include time travel. I only got Dropout in July. Please, I'm begging you

#i cannot be mad if I get spoilered for something that came out months or years ago #however i am but a college student and every campaign is a full work week's worth of content #a double edged sword: #i have enough food to last me through several winters #but I live in constant fear of it getting stolen #have mercy #the bad kids were my first love #dimension 20 #fhjy spoilers #fhjy #brennan lee mulligan

[charlesemersonwinchesteriii]

#I say no! Because it's clearly against his wishes and I am a strong advocate of children's rights. #He should have been able to decide for himself whom to live with and I would've hoped the enlightened future world of the Federation #would have recognized that :( #Star Trek: Deep Space 9 #And now I'm wondering what everyone else thinks so! Poll time! #As I'm writing these tags after rewatching the episode I realize the decision may have been due to political stability reasons #(i.e. trying not to antagonize the Cardassians; a smart move at this point in the overarching story) #or even (as Sisko mentions to Pa'Dar toward the end) trying to encourage the Cardassians to take care of the actual orphans on Bajor too #but in that case I wish it'd have been made more clear in the episode #& the point would still stand: are either of those reasons sufficient justification for taking Rugal away from his family against his will? #Starky's Original Posts #polls #posts where you can really tell OP lived in constant fear of being either sent or taken away from their parents as a child #and it's getting in the way of enjoying what's truly important (garashir). sad!

[strange-doll-child]

Also, I fear the whole Kentbox kid not because of the ship, I fear what @professional-termite and @hatbox-apologist would do if you did that.

You are dragging them right to me jsbdisbsj

#i am living in constant fear/j #haunted mansion #the haunted mansion #disney haunted mansion #ask #anon ask #thanks for the ask

[etrevil]

“You came.”

“You called.”

#im looking at their asses sorry #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs season five #bsd anime #bsd season 5 #bsd season five #atsushi nakajima #bsd atsushi #bsd akutagawa #akutagawa ryuunosuke #shin soukoku #bsd shin soukoku #rip shin soukoku #I live in constant fear for the next episode #(aka ch 88) #i am not fucking ready #PLEASE AKU #SAVE YOUR BF AND JUST RUN #DON'T STAY

[angelmush]

i do hate being such a deeply anxious person

#i worry abt everything always and am constantly in some state of fear #even good moments on good days my baseline is just kind of. Frightened #i’ve made a lot of progress in terms of like #agoraphobic tendencies and feeling constant sheer terror but like #it is exhausting #i am just living my whole life SCARED #personal

[elizabethrobertajones]

Last night playing bg3 with my brother, he had Gale like, DIE die in some lava instead of spatula-ing him off the floor in a panic before he's done death saving throws, and I'd never seen what happens before, because I protect my wizard.

Have to say bg3 is not just the game of the year but maybe one of the games of all time.

#when he's on 1 hp and wailing that he CAN'T die I have now taken to heart that he means 'I am about to be so annoying about this' #which is double incentive to continue never allowing him to die #bg3 #bg3 spoilers #my brother re-rolled him as a cleric of mystra and then never uses him to heal anyone #my brother also is allergic to long rests and i'm like doubled over wheezing with all the wine I've been looting #begging him to let us rest if not for the spellslots than for my encumberance #it's amazing learning how other people play #I mean he's a much better player than me but I live in constant fear :P #I think he just doesn't like opening boxes and doing inventory management #meanwhile I a Stardew Valley player - #(He also never sorts or tidies his ffxiv inventory) #sorry these tags are just sibling posting now

[frogatz]

ohhh dect ruined me actually

#thought too hard about mirage and now i am so weepy . #something abt the progression since the nihilism dating sim #like . she was so bought into her fear of meaninglessness and death that it was a constant state for her #which liek . i know what it’s like to live like that and Oh My God . GET OUT OF THEREEEEE #when i first read through that intrraction there was a pit in my gut . tbh . so the turnaround was a good reminder #i have also since read the interview where that is said to be at least a little bit intentional. bc it is coming from somewhere real #so besides my point . what i’m saying is that a story where she grows up and changes her mind . is already enough #but then v2 is there and she is staring death and impermanence and meaninglessness in the face again . she has never had to say goodbye #and it is not meaningless :( she remains that it is not meaningless . and she teaches v2 that it is not meaningless . even if it was just to #themselves or eachother #UM . THIS HAS GOTTEN VERY LONG #I LIKE MIRAGE 👍 SO MUCH

[doodledaf]

So I got this cow plush right? It's time for his wash but I want to make sure that putting him in the washing machine is okay.

My buddy got no tags and is second hand, so I go on Google to find copies from the same makers.

But here's the thing. I can't find him anywhere.

I've spent hours looking, and every time its always a different spot pattern, or nose color, or feet color. I feel like I'm loosing my mind.

Did my cow plush SPAWN?

Did he somehow loose color like an old man's hair??

Did my plush erase all known existence of himself out of jealousy???

Perhaps it's the exhaustion kicking in, I feel like I've gone through this cycle before. I'll probably put him in the washing machine like usual.

#DoobThoughts #cow plush #stuffed animals #Am I gaslighting myself? #Probably #I just don't want him to explode in the machine #I live in constant fear of the washing machine #So does my other plushies

[soo-won]

translation is out on mangadex i can finally post this

#akayona242 #akayonaspoilers #actually im terrified im gonna live in constant fear for 2 weeks. #at least it's not one month #what is kusanagi cooking... #i had already given up the hope of them talking alone someday so im. what #i have 6 years of expectations and scenarios about this in my head kusanagi sorry but it better be peak and perfect #or maybe nothing will happen. who knows. i dont want to have hopes #(can't help but have hopes) #i had even reached a point where iwas like 'tbh they don't even need words i think they already convey everything through eyes and actions' #i truly had accepted my fate already wdym im getting Ws now #or am i really...i have trust issues #y(aoi)otd real??????

[summerfrwrks]

what's up to my fellow girlies with irregular periods

#my period is so unpredictable 😭😭 like there is NO consistent day for like nearly two years straight #why is this happening i live in constant fear (i say even tho i am wearing white shorts like the bastard i am) #i mean if imma base it on last month i SHOULD have had my period yesterday 😭😭 now im just waiting on edge hnghhhh #period memes #irregular periods #cat memes #i will definitely edit this pic better but wayyyyy later hahshjahshaga #summer.txt #summer.jpg

[pepprs]

genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim

#purrs #delete later #covid19 #i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill / #immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in #any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy #for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the #throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more) #disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in #ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and #healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to #school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist #anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to #access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i #HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i #need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have #that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way #it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator. #* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear #for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in #part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I #think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.

[carpathxanridge]

my sister just told my mom and i that she wants to join the military. i’m devastated i don’t even know what to do i need to talk to her but she’s not answering the phone. i know that she’s doing this because she wants a sense of purpose and hates her body and thinks the military will get her in shape and give her that purpose. i also know that she has endured so much early childhood trauma, emotional and verbal abuse from our father, and sexual trauma from being groomed as a young teen, and she probably is seeking a way to play out her traumas in an externalized way. i know her therapist is not trauma informed, is not and never has been equipped to help her, and probably hasn’t questioned her on her motivations behind this decision considering she told us immediately after coming out of a therapy session yesterday, as if her decision was made and she was being affirmed by her therapist to tell us. i don’t know how any mental health professional could encourage a currently minor child (though not for long, and that terrifies me, than in less than two months we have no control over her decisions, no way of protecting her…) to make such an irrevocable decision knowing all of their past trauma and history of suicidal ideation and self harm. and finally, i don’t know who my sister is if she’s someone who truly feels that the us military aligns with her morals. i hope she hasn’t put much thought behind it, because i can understand ignorance and susceptibility to propaganda, i won’t be able to understand it if she tells me that the military is an organization she wholly supports and aligns her values to.

#i can’t deal with this #i already have so much anticipatory grief for my parents #because they are already older than a lot of my peers’ parents—late 50s early 60s respectively #and my mom has so many health issues i’m in a constant state of fear that something will happen to her #but even if both of my parents live a lot longer i know there will be a time where they’re both gone #and my baby sister is supposed to be the person who will always be with me till the end #i’ve always worried about her because of her history of suicidal ideation #and being away from her at college out of state i feel guilty all the time that she feels abandoned by me #she has attachment issues due to her early childhood trauma and i know that i am one of very few people she is genuinely attached to #and thinks of as family #she has even said that she thinks of me as her ONLY family over even our mother #i just #i can’t cope with this #right now is the worst possible time for a breakdown but i am just sobbing #i have a performance tonight i have to be okay for #fuck

[pageofheartdj]

It feels like I am wasting life, but I don't know what else am I supposed to do.

I feel… content where I am. Sure more money would be great, but with the amount of actual work I am doing it could have been worse. I am not seeking second job to fix it, I need lots of me time to not go crazy.

It's just that my every day goes the same. I don't hate it, but I grow wary that my life will just fly by as if I never actually lived it… But I can't come up with anything I would want to change or add.

I don't seek partner nor do I believe I can get along with anyone. So it stays in my dreams only.

I do not want children, I don't have enough patience and energy. I already have a pet to make me less lonely..

I don't like going outside, so no traveling or walks or cinema. I don't care for most material possessions, so no shopping.

My life feels dull and empty and monotone, yet there is nothing I would want to do to help with it. Nothing feels like something I would geniunely want.

All I have is my show obsessions when they come. That's all I spend my time on. Daydreaming, listening music, rewatching, reading fics, seeking art, discussing. I enjoy it. But that's all I have. All day, every day.

Am I this lazy to search for a way to help myself? Or am I just this passive. Something feels missing, but nothing actually fits to fill the hole. So I just keep existing like that.

I am at loss.

#but I am also scared of change #because it cant go better #so it wil be worse #I want to preserve my current for eternity #I dont know how I will be with my mom gone #we have rocky relationships but she is only constant in my life #I feel like a child #completely unequicked and utterly alone #I want time to stop #there will be nothing better than it is now #but worse things will come anyway #I hate living #I hate this fear and pain #none of it is worth it #people say that time after death and before birth are the same #maybe when you are in those moments #but I am here now I am alive #I did not have anything before #I will lose everything after #the experience to perceive from present makes difference