#and that the constant paranoia and fear in which i live my life is actually PROBABLY a symptom of severe anxiety | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

leiswxrld · 2 months

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𝐕𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬 𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝐊𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐫 (𝐒𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥 ❥)

pairings: ellie!williams x fem!reader

sypnosis: it’s Valentine’s Day, a special day to spend with your loved ones right but what if a slasher is going around killing only once a year on this special day.

warnings: mdni 18+, smut, college slasher, anal fingering (r receiving), strap usage (r receiving), top ellie and bottom reader, face riding (r receiving), reader giving ellie a lap dance, weed and drugs, praises + degradation (mama, slut, baby, whore), ellie calls her strap her dick, strawberry vape supremacy, graphic content, college au

a/n: happy valentines my lovelies, I know this is a day late but I had to touch up a few things before I could post this and I’ve also been so busy yesterday so it had to wait till I got home, not proof read so there might be a few mistakes, low-key inspired by scream.

credits: @magicalboything @cafekitsune for line dividers ❥

'Good evening folks, this is Heather Gale reporting live from channel 5 with tonight’s news, it's that time of year where couples, friends and family around the world express their love and affection towards their loved ones but one striking question has our community in constant fear and paranoia, will the valentines day killer strike again ?'

'Today marks the death of late cheerleader captain Melissa brown who was found brutally stabbed over 20 times in the chest and stomach in her college dorm room a red rose left on her chest, police say she was returning from a party when she was viciously attacked by the killer, friends and family say she was a bright student, kind friend and positive role model for those who admired her, the community are desperately fighting to get Melissas killer found and behind bars.'

'Police ask that if you have any leads or tips that could potentially catch the Valentines Killer, they urge you to either report it to the police station or to anonymously send in your information, this is Heather Gale on channel 5 and I hope you all stay safe and well this Valentines.'

- -

"Really a valentines party" you reply in disbelief at the instagram post one of the boys from the football team had posted, you couldn't believe they were throwing a party when you were all advised not to throw any especially when the valentines killer could strike again.

"Yeah sick right I was thinking of going" your friend amarie says, scrolling onto the post and liking the picture. you throw her a dirty look, "amarie you know the college advised us not to attend any parties especially after what happened to heather she was killed straight after the party we went to last year" it felt so surreal when you found out she had been stabbed to death just after returning from the college party you attended that year, you remember being in your room when it came up on the news that starville's captain cheerleader was found dead.

"cmon y/n don't be such a whore, we'll all be together and we live in the same dorm room besides I'm pretty sure the killer only kills cheerleaders" she replies and you roll your eyes, "it's not just cheerleaders amarie it's anyone who goes to this fucking college, we're all at risk and were at a higher risk if we attend that stupid party"

amarie turns off her phone paying all her attention towards you, "think about it when was the last time you actually went to a party and got laid no offence but bitch I feel depressed just looking at you"

you cross your arms, "and what the fuck is that supposed to mean"

"it means I feel like I'm living with a christian.. your sex life is drier than a fucking desert" she remarks and you scoff, really.

"difference christians wait till marriage... reminder I have already lost my virginity" you remind her, the last time you really had sex was with a boy you hooked u with a few weeks back but you really didn't get the time to find someone and the only thing keeping you satisfied was your vibrator which was in dire need of some batteries.

"more of a reason for you to come to this party and get laid come on think about it, so many of the girls in our dorm are going we can't miss out on this opportunity besides I hear charlies going to be there" she replies, smiling to herself. Charlie was the star quarterback on the football team and one of the many boys she was frequently hooking up when she got the chance too.

"and that has something to do with me how" you reply and she shrugs her shoulders, "it means that there might be a chance you might meet someone you actually like" she replies, you ponder for a second..it could be a chance to finally hook up with someone.

"fine but I’m only going because I’m getting sick of using my vibrator plus there will be free drinks" you finally decide and she throws you a hella side eye, "girl tmi…” she says and you laugh, “now I need to go freshen up" she says, doing a little victory dance while looking at herself through her phone camera.

it was a good thing that the boys house was a 15 minute drive from your college building which meant you only spent around 5 dollars each for an Uber to get there. the house was the hotspot for most of the college parties that were thrown, a big estate with a pool and 3 floors meaning you could fit over a hundred people inside, "this thong is digging into my ass it feels like I've got carpet burn" amarie says, picking at the bright pink thong underneath her pink skirt.

You both choose to go all out, you in a red boob top and black skirt whilst amarie was wearing a pink corset top with a pink skirt. "I told you to choose the black one at the shop" you remark and she smacks her lips, "it wasn't going to match the cute pink corset top and skirt I've got so I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up" she replies, applying a thin layer of lip gloss on.

You both walk into the house, people stood near the entrance either drinking or getting smoking. you could see the inside of the house bathed in colourful lights, music blaring out into the cold midnight air.

Your strawberry flavoured vape clutched in your right hand as the stress began to creep in, your couldn't imagine that the valentine's killer could possibly strike again this year but the idea of it scared you shitless. You bring the vape to your lips inhaling the vapour as you taste the strawberry fumes enter your lungs, "I didn't expect for the party to be this fucking packed" you admit as amarie nods her head, "yeah seems like the whole campus" she pauses, "and a few other people from nearby attended"

you make it inside, pushing past your way through the sea of people making your way towards the kitchen, "You guys actually made it" Stacy another one of your friends says, going to hug you, "I mean I was expecting amarie but y/n that's a first" you give her a face that screams 'girl really' and she laughs, "no hard feelings babe but I never see your ass outside of your room except if you have class"

"none taken" you reply, manoeuvring around her so you could pour yourself a drink. you decide to do a classic vodka cranberry, basic but could easily get you drunk. "y/n pour some vodka in my cup" amarie says, holding the red solo cup towards you. you grab the bottle, pouring it until it hit the middle line, "girl quit playing pour me some more"

"You want to drink straight vodka"

"I'm trying to get shitfaced not drunk" she replies as if she was pointing out the obvious, you pour some more until it was nearly full. You down the vodka cranberry, putting down the bottle of vodka as you make your way onto the dance floor. the music blared through the speakers as you and your friends danced in the living room, grinding against amarie as she used her free hand to smack your ass.

You felt the unwanted and lustful eyes from every boy in room, ignoring them as you continued to grind against her taking a swig of your drink. Your eyes wandered for a second until they landed on a girl just poarched up against the banister of the stairs, talking to boy you recognised to be Charlie.

You'd fancied girls in the past but never took it further than just straight crushing but she was different, you don't think you'd ever seen her before on campus otherwise you wouldn't forget such a beautiful face. The mysterious brunette was dressed in a white wife beater, blue baggy jeans with a pair of retro red jordan's, the girl takes her eyes off of Charlie to look at you for a second, licking her lips before looking you up and down, not missing the long stare on your half exposed ass.

She had a blunt in her hand, taking a few drags from it before taking her attention off of you. You stop grinding and turn around to face amarie who's looking at your confused, "bitch why did you stop"

"who's that girl over there" you say discreetly pointing in direction of the staircase, "what girl" she replies, squinting her eyes to get a better look.

"that one with the tattoos going all up her arms" she looks once again before grinning, "ohhh that girl"

"that's ellie I only know her cause she normally sells weed to Charlie when we’re together I forgot how fucking fine she was" she adds taking a swig of her vodka, "shit I need another drink I'll be back"

amarie makes her way to the kitchen leaving you with a few of your other friends who were busy dancing on each other, thinking about it now you needed another drink.

You noticed that Ellie had moved to the couch some girl chatting her up as she seemed to not be listening, blunt in hand. she notices you right away, eyes lowered a fraction and manspreading with one leg propped up on the couch. a surge of confidence ran through you as you decide to go sit yourself next to her, she licks her lips turning to face you.

"why'd you stop dancing" she starts, offering the blunt to you as you happily accept it. you laugh, "what did you like my dancing" you reply, taking a drag before handing it back to her.

"I mean I liked what I was seeing" she admits boldly, making you shuffle nervously under her intimidating gaze, "if you'd like I could give you a lap dance" you offer and she raises a brow.

"you want to give someone you just met a lap dance huh" yes and no but this was the alcohol talking.

"yeah if you want I know a few things" you state and she thinks about it for a sec before standing up, "ok follow me doll" you blush at the nickname, taking ellies hand as she leads you upstairs, you look at amarie who's still in the kitchen pressed against the counter as she made out with Charlie, her hands wrapped around his neck as his were around her waist, typical amarie.

you passed so many people, a group of people doing drugs on the floor and the others doing dares on eachother on the other side of the room. her grip on your hand tightened, trying to avoid stepping on the people sat on the stairs to prevent yourself falling. there were many occupied rooms passing through all of them till you found a vacant one, ellie allowing you to go in first closing the door behind you.

the rooms quite big, a double bed with a lamp on each side with little side tables and a vanity behind you with picture frames on top, "you nervous" she asks almost taunting, sitting on the edge of the bed. the new found confidence from earlier was replaced with anxiety as it began to seep in, you've only jokingly given your friend a lap dance but that was only because you were dared to do it but that was out of the question now since you were sobering up and doing it for real.

"yeah" you admit and she chuckles, "don't worry I won't judge beside who's going to complain when they've got a pretty girl grinding on their lap" she grins and you roll your eyes with a smile as you remove your shoes.

the tension in the room was thick, Ellie's hands pressed against the sheets, the overbearing loud music coming from downstairs giving you a headache and the sounds of moans emitting from the other side of the walls, "remember no touching me this is just a dance" you emphasise, going to straddle her lap.

"I got you" she says, keeping her hands to her sides. you start by whining your hips against her lap, hands slowly brushing over her thighs feeling her tense up beneath you. you twisted around, moving to rhythm of the music each movement against her lap making you feel the unsuspected bulge tucked underneath her jeans.

she knows you felt it, fighting the urge to just scrap the lap dance and touch you, the friction against her strap rubbing up against her aching clit, pussy wet just watching you. she instinctively swallowed as your grinding increased, practically fucking her with clothes on, your red laced panties soaked in your own arousal, biting back the urge to moan.

Ellie mumbles in cohesively, her voice low and hoarse as you lift up off of her, seductively moving your hips towards the floor whilst your skirt rode up your ass, exposing the red lace that sat perfectly around your waist. you turn back around, the dim light in the room showing Ellie's eyes that had now darken in colour, her fists locked up tight that they turned red.

You kiss your way up her clothed body, seating yourself back onto her lap as you continued till you reached her neck, leaving love bites all over until you reached her cherry red lips, hovering over them before teasingly backing away, "I know you feel it.... pull it out" her voice low, looking up at you.

"feel what" you innocently tease, gasping when she grips onto your hips, "h-hey I said no touching"

"don't act smart with me...pull.it.out" she tells you and you give her a hesitant look, "what you never seen a dick before"

"no dumbass I have but I've just never done it with a girl" you shamefully admit and she just laughs, "I guess I'll be your first" her hands wrap around your back so that your laying on top of her and gently wraps her hand around the back of your neck, pulling you into a kiss.

her lips were addicting, not like the many boys you've hooked up with who just kissed for the sake of it but she took her time with you, it's almost like having sex but with her mouth allowing her to slip her tongue into your mouth as you moan, your hand going under her top rubbing up and down her stomach.

she pulls away, helping you remove her belt, quickly pulling her jeans down showing the very prominent bulge through her black calvin klein boxers "before you sit on it, I want you to fuck my face with your pussy" your face heats up at her words, embarrassment flooding through your body leaving your clit throbbing.

"you want me sit on your face" you ask almost astonished, "yes is that a problem?" she questions, "well no-

"then sit this pussy on my fucking face" she interrupts and you quickly follow, removing your black skirt and red lace before throwing them into a random corner of the room. you slowly, hover your cunt over her face scared that you might accidentally suffocate her.

she slaps your ass, "lower yourself down more" she growls, gripping your legs and pulling you onto her mouth. you slowly rock your hips against her mouth, ellie pressing her tongue against your clit, flicking her tongue up and down your vulva making your legs tremble, a whimper leaving your glossed lips.

Ellie’s sucking and biting, her nails digging into the fat of your thighs, your juices mixing in with her saliva that dripped down her chin. Your legs shake and ellie gets more faster, your head fuzzy with the overwhelming pleasure you were receiving, you felt like screaming covering your mouth with your hand, muffling your moans.

You never imagined you'd be getting head by girl at a college party whilst there were hundreds of people downstairs, the thought of it made you even wetter and you were fucking thankful you decided to come.

you finally come with a silent scream, gripping onto the headboard as she continued to go down on you until she was done, adding onto the best fucking head that you had gotten in ages. she taps your thigh, allowing you to raise up off of her face, your face heating up at ellie's wet face.

"you taste so good mama" she says, licking her lips and sitting up on the bed. she cracks her neck, giving you a kiss allowing you to taste yourself. "but I'm not done with you" she says, slapping your inner thigh.

"I want you to get on your knees and suck this dick baby" she moves her self to the edge of the bed, giving you room to get on your knees. you follow, getting in between her legs, she opens your mouth with her fingers and slips them inside until they were coated in your saliva before using them as lubricant to stroke herself, tapping the tip against your wet lips.

"say ahh..." you slightly open your mouth allowing her to slip her dick into your mouth, it's been a while since you've last given head, slowly bobbing your head up and down her length, she's just watching you using her fingers to tilt your head up so that you could make eye contact with her, her hands grip onto the back of your messy hair, helping you to go down on her faster your eyes filling up with tears, trying to open up your throat more so that you wouldn't gag.

"fuck..." she whispers, fumbling with something on the bed before pulling out her phone. your pace doesn't falter, watching as she presses the record button, the flash brightening up the dim room. you moan, trying so hard not to choke as you sloppily bob your head up and down faster, eye contact not ceasing.

you felt ashamed yet turned on at the same time at being recorded, ellie stroking your hair back to prevent it from falling into your face. your surprised you had been going on for this long, feeling the evident tiredness in your jaw, drool seeping from your mouth and lubricating her dick. she stops you, slowly pushing you off her, allowing you to catch your breath.

"I love watching you suck my dick baby but I wanna see how well you can take it" she admits, camera still recording. "get on all fours mama" she says standing up as you get up from your knees. she waits for you to get on all fours, arching your back as she climbs onto the bed behind you phone in hand, positioning herself.

she spreads your ass, spitting onto your gaping hole allowing it to drip down over as she uses her thumb to rub it in before prodding her tip against your glistening cunt, slowing pushing herself into you. you gasp, your mouth widening into an 'o', the feeling of her dick stretching you out, but before she could even move there's a sudden knock on the door.

"Room is occupied" Ellie yells, awaiting for the person behind the door to move along but the person on the other side doesn't go, knocking once again, "I said the room is occupied asshole go and fuck some place else" the person on the other side get's the message, walking away from the door.

"some fucking people" ellie whispers to you which makes you giggle. she starts to rock her hips into you, putting the palm of her hand against your back helping you to fuck back onto her. she fucked into you so lovingly but so fucking rough, hitting your g-spot that had you gasping and cursing, biting on your lip and your hand going to grip onto the sheets, "shit"

Ellie doesn't stop recording, one hand gripping onto your hips whilst thrusting into you, cursing at the way your ass moved against her hips. you turn around to look at her, her hair falling into her face as ellie looked back at you. she looked so fucking sexy in just her wife beater, showcasing all the different tattoos she had to offer... you don't think you've ever been this fucking whipped for someone with the way she had you acting.

"you should see how fucking perfect you look on camera...should turn your slutty ass into a fucking pornstar shit" you moan in response to her words, fucking yourself back onto her. your pants get louder, the squelching noises from your gushing cunt getting louder every time ellie pulled back, she slaps your ass watching how it jiggled under the camera light. "fuck.....elsss"

your cheeks were flushed and your forehead was lined with sweat, feeling ellie get deeper every time she pulled you back onto her, receiving cute and desperate moans from your lips as your tits bounce with every rough drag of her hips.

You practically trying to pull away, begging ellie to let you come as she pounded you into the bed, her thumb pressing against your labia, rubbing against it.

You gasp again, feeling her finger slowly slip into your exposed hole the uncomfortable feeling making you clench around her fingers, she curls her fingers almost doing a ‘come here’ motion, whispering for you to relax so that it wouldn’t feel as painful, she gradually builds her speed making you feel lightheaded, this new fucking feeling making you dizzy.

"so fucking tight" she fists her fingers into you, the rings around your walls clenching around her skinny fingers whilst pounding into you as your eyes rolled shut.

You start to spasm around her strap before you know it your creaming around her dick, your climax riding out as she continued to milk you, her pace never faltering, “f-fuck stop els it’s too much”

“be a good little whore and cum for me again” that alone sends you over the edge and your cumming again, not believing you could even come more than twice as she lazily gives you a few more thrusts before pulling out her dick coated in your sweet juices, leaving you sprawled out on the bed, allowing you to catch your breath.

you could hear your heart beating out of your ears, laying there slumped on the bed before ellie stopped the recording. you remain motionless, trying to catch your breath as ellie helped you up from the bed. You both messily get dressed in silence, your back turned as you applied your strawberry lipgloss that had smeared off before a notification on ellie's phone catches her attention, "I-uh gotta go- something I've got to take care off, I guess I’ll see you around y/n" she says, quickly buckling up her belt and stepping into her shoes.

she gives you one last kiss on the lips, savouring the sweet taste from your scented lipgloss before disappearing into the hallway. you look for the red lace underwear that you had thrown into the corner of the room earlier but it was nowhere to be found, you curse yourself deciding to wrap a jumper you found in the closet around your waist to prevent flashing anyone, before swiftly leaving the room.

you make your way downstairs, people screaming and left in a state of disarray , how did you not hear this before……did you miss something ?

a frantic amarie rushes to you, "where were you we were looking for you" she yells, bringing you into a death-crushing hug leaving you confused. "I-i was in the bathroom why what happened" you inquire, pulling away.

"the killer striked again, charlies dead"

#ellie williams x female reader #valentines day #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams smut #ellie the last of us #lesbian smut #lesbian #tlou2 #ellie x reader #horror au #ellie tlou #ellie williams #black reader #smut #leiswxrld #leiscoven

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theoreticallysensible · 9 months

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I finished Ursula K Le Guin’s The Farthest Shore yesterday, and it got me thinking about two things:

1) The relationship between truth and meaning.

2) The wisdom of accepting death.

The conflict of the book is established when it is discovered that people have lost their connection to the “true speech”, the language of creation, which means that wizards can no longer use magic, but also that everyone falls into nihilism, listlessness, and paranoia. People retain their regular language, but the language of magic is lost, and so they lose their grip on reality. They see everything as flat, without any transcendence in anything. Nothing is more significant than anything else, and so nothing is worth doing. People keep talking, but none of it means anything real.

The cause of this is someone trying to escape the fear of death by dying and coming back immortal, leaving a tear in the world that magic leaks out of. The fact that they have to first die to find immortal life suggests that death and immortality are in a way the same thing, and that this deconstruction is the cause of the spread of nihilism. The necromancer is able to send out a message to people’s dark sides, causing this change in them:

By denying life you may deny death and live forever!

This is reflected in the fact that the souls of the dead show an even more extreme embodiment of the emptiness and stillness experienced by those seduced by the message. The tear in the world is blurring the distinctions between life and death, and calling for people to hurry it along.

For Le Guin then, life is change and difference - rather like Octavia Butler’s message from Parable of the Sower that “God Is Change”. Maybe the key part of Butler’s poem for this though is “The Only Lasting Truth Is Change.” Seeking immortality is sort of denying reality. Le Guin describes each individual life as a wave on the ocean, and claims that seeking immortality would be like making the entire ocean one wave, so that it grows still. In other words, life cannot exist without other lives, and without a chance of ending. A single life that totalises all would be indistinguishable from death.

I’m with her on the first point, that a changeless life would be indistinguishable from death. Experience is formed through interaction, which inevitably changes both parties. This is ancient knowledge, which Le Guin no doubt gets from her passion for Taoism, but my favourite exposition is Donna Haraway’s Situated Knowledges. But if life is always changing, always unfinished, why could there not theoretically be an eternal life which does not totalise, which accepts its mutability?

I think here is where we run up against the tension between Le Guin’s commitments to true language on on side and contingency on the other. Nietzsche is famous for having pointed out that language is a host of metaphors. Derrida then took this further to point out that no word is self-contained, rather its meaning is dependent on so many others that it can never be pinned down perfectly to mean just one thing for certain. This includes the self. It stops and starts when we’re knocked unconscious, and its altered with every experience, every exchange of atoms. In a sense we die a lot - if we thing of ourselves as a being, rather than an emergent property of various processes. We can’t be perfectly described with a word, because we aren’t a constant thing anyway, irrespective of that final death.

But this is kind of a moot point as Le Guin’s story is concerned. Few of us ever actually seek immortality. And Le Guin is right to frame it as an impossible task. It plays a symbolic role for the equally, perhaps even more, impossible task of seeking control, constancy, solidity. Nothing is constant - The Only Lasting Truth Is Change. But for me this just makes the final change of death easier to accept, as just one more change that will leave the previous version of myself behind - only this time there won’t be a recognisably new version to take its place.

There is definitely a difficulty in accepting the indefinite fuzziness that comes to things when you look at them like this though, that can lead to the nihilism Le Guin was so afraid of. I think Le Guin answers this rather well though, when she says that we cannot help but do everything we do, want everything we want, feel everything we feel. We can’t actually avoid caring about things, especially if we throw ourselves into them. We don’t have to justify what we care about based on some sort of metaphysical truth, as if we could ever be certain of that - we just have to accept the inclinations given to us by the universe and act on them in a balanced way to make ourselves content. Don’t rationalise your feelings through strict force of will, pay attention to them and what the good asks of you. That’s actually from a different anarcha-feminist writer - Simone Weil - but it fits!

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autisticsupervillain · 4 months

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Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Stats Equalized!

The show where we equalize strength, speed, and durability to decide who would win a battle of hax, skill, and versatility.

This Month's Fighters...

Blitzo Buckzo vs Karkat Vantas!

Conditions:

No other restrictions.

Scenario:

After dying and being sent to Hell, Her Imperious Condescension hires IMP to assassinate Karkat out of spite.

Analysis: Karkat Vantas

Ask yourself one very important question. A question that has plagued nearly all of mankind since its very inception. What does God, our omnipotent creator, look like?

Stop thinking, because you're wrong. Our God is just an internet troll from another universe who wears a massive sweater, pulls his pants up to his chest, and has a love for dumb rom coms.

Meet Karkat Vantas, a mutant blooded alien troll from the distant planet of Alternia. Born as a mutant with bright red blood, Karkat had no place in Alternia's dystopic blood-based caste system and, as such, his very existence was a crime punishable by death. As such, Karkat has lived his entire life in constant fear and paranoia that one day his blood would be discovered and he would be killed. Growing up as a born outlaw in a murderous dystopia did not do well for Karkat's psyche, resulting in him growing up into an abrasive asshole who was fully convinced he would die at any moment.

Little did he know until his 13th birthday (or 6.5th birthday going off Alternia's time measurement system), he had inherited a destiny, regarding both the future of his race and the future of his very universe.

See, Karkat wasn't any mutant. He was a direct descendant of the Signless. A troll who, many centuries ago, had rebelled in the name of trolls of every caste, seeking to bring peace to the horrific, bloodthirsty dystopia. He was executed for his efforts, but not before his genetic information was copied.... by Karkat himself. Technically.

Karkat's other destiny was his destiny as a SBURB Player. He and all his friends were destined to play a video game called SGRUB, which would bring about the end of their world. The game, if played right, would allow Karkat and friends to become the gods of the new world, but in order for that to happen at all, the game had to allow Karkat to ensure his own existence through time traveling clone science fuckery. It's complicated.

This gave Karkat a golden opportunity to both escape his horrible situation and rule as the leader of a pantheon of gods over his own personal universe. Namely, our universe. He kindly assures us that it would've been a horrific and brutal regime, but it never really got off the ground, as Karkat's victory was stolen from him at the last second by an invincible time demon and Karkat would up having to work with the humans he had intended to enslave for the sake of survival.

This is because Karkat is not even half the conquer he wants to be. He isn't even really the leader of his team. Despite all his bluster of being a God born from a superior warrior race, Karkat is a loud mouthed weakling when measured up to nearly anyone else on his team. He has no special powers, he's physically the weakest out of everyone, and he isn't even an actual God.

What Karkat does have... is heart. Much to his chagrin, Karkat's special power is basically friendship. As a Blood Player, Karkat is supernaturally predisposed to being really good at making friends and maintaining friendships... which turned out to be the very thing he needed to succeed as well as he did.

See, all of Karkat's friends have a very deep, bloody history. As in, "these people are personally responsible for the most traumatic and horrifying events in my life. Events that shape who I am as a person to this day" deep. They've killed each other before and they would again. However, thanks to Karkat's influence, they're able to not only work together but actually almost get along. Karkat had a genocidal highblood supremacist counting him as one of his best friends, that's how potent this guy's friendship power inexplicably is.

A lot of this can be chalked up to the Blood Aspect, sure, but a lot of it can also be chalked up to who Karkat is under all the paranoia and anger. He gets people, he understands their character flaws, their failings, their fears, and he sympathizes with them. He gets, probably better than anyone else, that everyone around him is effectively a terrified kid with boatloads of trauma. That's the real reason he could never by the bloodthirsty tyrant he dreamed of. It's not who he is, at his foundation. It just took a long time and a lot of bonding with the humans he supposedly despised for him to realize that.

That said, Karkat is only physically unimpressive by the standards of the literal gods that surround him. He's still a SBURB Player and he still grew up on an inhospitable hell planet. As such, he is much stronger than your ordinary human.

Notably, he should powerscale to the same kind of meteor trip that Rose survived, as all SBURB Players arrive on their home planets this way and all the Players are capable of surviving their meteor trips. Unless you want to suggest that Rose is thousands of time stronger than Karkat as an infant, Karkat should be roughly comparable.

On top of this, Karkat is certainly a much more skilled fighter than your average human being. His team was able to take in the armies of the Kingdom of Derse, which has been warring with its opposite Kingdom of Prospite for as long as its home reality has existed. Despite that, Karkat found himself being flat out disappointed by how easy they were to fight against, with only the King proving to be enough of a challenge to rally the whole team.

As with all Homestuck characters, Karkat also has a sylladex, a hammerspace inventory system where he can store objects much too big to carry on his person, allowing him to pull out his handy twin sickles whenever he needs them. Really, the fact that most of his friends can knock him out cold with a love tap says more about them than it does about him.

Despite that though, Karkat is still not a fighter and he possesses bad luck to a literally superhuman degree. In fact, his luck is so horrible that it completely counters out luck based superpowers, allowing him to beat Clover, whose luck is so supernaturally good that it made him completely untouchable to everyone else on the battlefield except for Karkat. Turning all your negatives into a positive. If that isn't just Karkat's entire character arc.

Karkat is not the conquerer he so desperately wanted to be. But he is a leader and he is a friend, and in the hands of a Blood Player, those two titles are far more powerful than a warrior ever could be.

Analysis: Blitzo

Hell. The eternal punishment awaiting every sinner and heathen at the end of their life. Whether you be a cruel mad scientist who tortures the poor or a murderous, cannibalistic matriarch. Your chance for redemption was the life you had before and your punishment is this. But, for some people, being born an imp in Hell can be worse than being a sinner sent down to it.

Blitzo Buckzo was a circus clown working for his abusive father Cash down in the Greed ring of Hell. Blitzo was never as popular as his coworker Fizzarolli, who would eventually go on to do better things, but despite that he was mostly happy with his life. Until the day he accidentally ruined it.

On the day of Fizzarolli's birthday, Blitzo was working his way up to confessing his romantic feelings for his coworker, but he chickened out at the last second, accidentally knocking over Fizz's birthday cake. This started a fire that completely destroyed the circus. Blitzo's mother was killed, Fizzarolli was crippled for life, and Blitzo's sister now hated him for life. Physically and mentally scared by the accident, Blitzo's life was destroyed as everyone he cared about either abandoned him or died. The O in his name is silent now. He doesn't want to be reminded of it.

Turning to the world of professional killing to make a living, Blitzo would found the Immediate Murder Professionals. Using his... "relationship" with Stolas, a royal demon of the powerful Goetia family, to gain access to the human world, Blitzo would loan his services to sinners who wanted revenge on the living to make a profit. A terrifying prospect, seeings how he's one of the most dangerous killers in Hell.

Blitzo always carries a sniper rifle and two flint locks with him into every fight and he's an expert marksman with both. He's headshot moving targets out of the air on more than one occasion and gone up against some of the toughest customers in Hell. He's defeated a group of Cherubs from Heaven alongside IMP, fought Striker, the most dangerous outlaw the Wrath ring has ever seen, and, alongside Fizzarolli, defeated the entirety of the Knolastname Mafia in a single massive fire fight.

As an Imp from Hell, Blitzo is extra resilient. He's immune to earthly fire, survived building sized explosions of Hellfire on multiple occasions, and is durable to shrug off getting shot. His agility certainly hasn't gotten any worse since his circus days, as he's fast enough to run on walls, nimble enough to dodge arrows and bullets, and skilled enough to catch himself falling out of the sky with just his tail.

But, most impressively, Blitzo seems to have turned his bad luck into some sort of superpower. He's made falling pianos suddenly change course mid-flight, fooled humans with realistically impossible human disguises, and once tricked an entire gang into slaughtering each other so that he didn't have to fight any of them.

If Blitzo can be said to have any weaknesses, it's his own personality. Ruining his own life and the abuse he's suffered from his own father has given him a self loathing streak, turning him into a massive jackass who mistreats and pushes away his own friends. He fails to notice Stolas's genuine romantic interest in him because he can't comprehend anyone actually wanting him around and he fails to realize how he's improved the lives of anyone around him. Even burying the hatchet with Fizzarolli and giving his adopted daughter Loona a loving home hasn't dissuaded him of this. He's a self destructive mess.

But, no matter how he gets in his own way, he knows what he's good at. Guns, knives, and murder. So, he'll keep killing and keep racking in that murder money until all of his problems go away. So, you want so vengeance, loathsome sinner of Hell? Then call the Immediate Murder Professionals!

Throwdown Theme:

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Throwdown Breakdown:

This fight boils down entirely to a comparison of skill feats. There really aren't many other factors to consider here. Karkat's bad luck has completely nullified the luck powers of other fighters before, making that a non factor, and stuff like Blitzo's fire resistance just isn't relevant here.

Unless Karkat can breathe fire, in which case, he's been holding out on us.

Honestly, these two match each other in a lot of ways. Even with the stats equalized, I can see Karkat being fast enough to dodge Blitzo's bullets. Not only does he have comparable feats in canon, but Blitzo himself can keep up with people who can dodge his fire arms, so Karkat would be equalized to his level regardless.

Both of them have had really shit lives growing up in horrible hell worlds. Or in literal hell as the case might be. The difference here is the sheer scope of the opposition they faced. It's easy to dismiss Karkat as a terrible fighter, but that's when placed alongside his friends. IE. gods, chainsaw wielding space vampires, and telepaths so powerful they can push continent sized meteors around.

Blitzo is one of the best professional killers in hell. There's no question there. And the only character who can reliably match him one on one is Striker, who himself is so badass that circle of Wrath sings his name whenever he passes by. Striker said it best himself, Blitzo could be killing overlords if he really wanted to.

But, Karkat grew up and survived on a planet where his very existence was made illegal. He was a crime punishable by death. And this is ontop of making the Kingdom of Derse look like a joke. Even Karkat, the weakest member of his own team, was disappointed by how easily he could slice through Derse's armies and imps, even after they were Prototyped with the eldritch monstrosity Gl'bgolyb. Derse, for the record, is a Kingdom that had been locked in an eternal war for its entire existence, so it wasn't like they couldn't back themselves up on that.

Mranwhile, Blitzo's best showing was against a building full of literal D.H.O.R.K.S. Government agents that the rest of the world saw as quacks who only used weapons from Japan's Edo period instead of, say, guns. And even with I.M.P. backing him up, he still needed to bailing out by the end.

That isn't to knock Blitzo out of the running completely however. I do believe he's more agile and certainly has better aim. Karkat's not bad in that department himself, literally front flipping up cliffs at points, but Blitzo has just been doing similar for a lot longer. But, by that token, Karkat's sylladex would catch him off guard, resulting in him either getting crushed by a safe or having his guns taken away. Karkat can use his own sylladex to create cover for himself, nullifying Blitzo's range advantage.

You can argue for Blitzo using Stolas's grimoire for similar effect, but the problem is he doesn't usually take that with him on missions. He leaves it with Loona, so she csn portal him out afterwards, so he's unlikely to have it here. And even if he did, Karkat could toss it into his own sylladex like he could with the guns, leaving Blitzo with no way to access them.

Overall, I think Karkat is, if not superior in fighting skill, at least comparable enough to break out his real secret weapon: Friendship.

Karkat's Charisma is outright supernatural. As a Blood Player, he's literally bound to it by fate, msking undyingly loyal friends even against his own will. It's not even troll specific, as the Jack Noir of his session can attest to. Karkat's response to this random asshole stabbing him was to basically declare them friends on the spot. And it worked.

Blitzo, meanwhile, is honestly the exact kind of person that it would work on. Blitzo's life is the exact kind of tragically romantic soap opera that Karkat's romantic little heart would love and Blitzo doesn't care enough about his clients to kill someone he's grown to like. He's just flat out said "fuck my clients" when it serves his own purposes.

In the end, Karkat's unironically a better fighter and his own unique tricks would let him win out in a close fight more often then not, with Karkat's Blood Player status allowing him to talk the fight down to a nonviolent conclusion if he needs to. Blitzo's marksmanship could end the fight before that happens and he has enough of his own advantages to win almost as often as he losses, but I'm putting my money on Mr. Adorabloodthirsty more often than not.

I might be biased to hell and back because I love both these characters, but, well, it's my blog, so.....

This Throwdown's Winner is...

Karkat Vantas!

#fictional throwdown fridays #stats equalized #homestuck #helluva boss #karkat vantas #blitzo buckzo #Youtube

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alostlittleriverlotus · 7 months

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im angry. I'm purely angry. My mom is finally listening about doctor stuff and why I hate doctors so much and instantly she turns my goal of my health into being able to sleep at a "normal" time (waking up in the morning and being awake through the day) and being able to go for walks, be active, and go outside. And I fucking hate it.

★(small sa mention, one line of it. suicidal thoughts and self harm mentions.)★

I don't care if I can never walk normally again. If I will always need mobility aids or only be able to walk/stand for short periods. Yes, I enjoy a ton of exercise and dancing with my whole body and having an active life, but if I never can again, I have accepted that.

I don't care about going outside. That is agoraphobia, fear of people, and extreme paranoia and delusions wrapped into one. I feel constantly watched, unable to be outside of the car or the house without extreme anxiety, fear, and having to talk myself through it when I had to go collect the main. I am okay with not being able to go outside. I still would love to go and sit out back, but my parents bought chairs that I can't sit in which is why I haven't sat out back since we were at our last place and first moved in, a fucking year ago. There's physical issues to it too, but it is mostly mental stuff that I'm fine living with.

I don't care about a "normal" sleep schedule. As long as I can get 6-10 hours of sleep a night, I'm fine and functional. I have pain, I have untreated ADHD, I have bad mental problems, I have delusions, I have flashbacks, I have breakdowns, I have paranoia, I was fucking assaulted in my sleep, I may have sleep apnea. We can fix as much as we possibly can, but I am entirely fine if my sleep schedule will never be routine. Oh yeah, plus my period messes up my sleep schedule too.

I don't care about being the most perfectly healthy active person. I don't care if I'm unable to do things that I could before. If I'm fat the rest of my life, that's fucking fine with me. I refuse to go back to obsessively needing to control my health because of a mix of ocd and ocpd and npd that results in an obsessive need to be perfectly healthy at all times. I am not going back to that cycle. My mental health is too fragile and so long as the mental health system and psychiatry system is broken in America, I do not give a fucking shit. I cope well, I am happy where I am, I am content. All I want is the constant pain to end, to be able to have relief and supports. I got ankle supports and cried over how long I have fucking suffered with joints that feel like 3D Mario game ice physics. I cried about how much I was actually at a disadvantage without knowing it while pushing myself to be "normal" and as good as others because I believed I was just not pushing through it like everyone else.

I do not care about living a happy "normal" life. Even if all of my physical issues could magically be fixed (they can't, I'm fairly certain I will always have these issues), I have severe mental problems that will never fucking change. From who I am and how my autism is to the severe trauma and personality disorders I have. AND THE FACT MY MENTAL ISSUES CAUSE ME PHYSICAL PAIN, FATIGUE, AND MINOR SICKNESS INCLUDING PHANTOM FEVERS!!!!!

But I accept that my pain may be something I live with. All I want is to receive actual help for it instead of constantly worsening it by having 0 support. A shower seat, movable shower head, mobility aids, actual fucking accommodations. My goal is to never be perfect abled and neurotypical or to function as such. My goal is never to be as perfectly healthy as I can be. Because with who I am, that will just worsen me to try to achieve that. And that's fucking okay. I am allowed to be unhealthy.

As long as I am not suffering every second of the day and considering death to be better yet unable to go through with it because I don't want to die while my parents are a part of my life then I am fine. I am happy. Even in bad pain days, the feeling of caring for myself and having things to rely on to relieve the pain makes me feel good about myself. I have lived without those for so long. This is all I desire. To relieve as much of the pain as I can so I can feel alive.

But I am aware I may be fat the rest of my life. I could also lose weight, I've fluctuated weight most of my life. I am fine having mobility issues and requiring help for those for the rest of my life. I do not care to be perfectly abled, I just don't want to suffer every single day with 0 help or accommodations while being blamed for it all as if it's a fucking moral failing and to be able to actually understand what the fuck is going on with my body. I'm fine if I'm unhealthy the rest of my life. I just don't want to have to cry over how sick I feel or how bad the pain is and consider death a better option because I have no help and have felt like I'm losing a race my entire life because no one else seemed to be suffering. That's all I fucking want.

I'm sick of my parents' dumbass health shit. I'm sick of them being fatphobic while they're extremely healthy and I'm fat and neglected and struggled so much more than they have because they will do anything for their own health, but won't do shit for me when they're the ones that I have to rely on. I'm sick of my mother pushing these "normal" goals because she wants me to be functional. Fuck. That. Bullshit.

I want help for my pain. I want to be diagnosed and get the help I can. I want accommodations and supports and mobility aids so I can experience as little pain as possible. It's so bad nearly every day. And wearing those ankle supports only made it all the more real that Yes, I Am Fucking Suffering!!! And yes, I need help. And I'm tired of being hyper independent and being neglected and being ignored while I see my parents handle every tiny thing wrong with their bodies when I've lived with this shit my entire life. It hurts. It hurts so much. And I hate that even with them FINALLY trying to find me doctors and get help, they still push fatphobia and healthy bullshit onto me. As if I need to be the optimal health. I don't know if it's possible and I'm not sinking back into the obsessive tendencies I've had since I was young. I was miserable and hated myself, blamed myself for everything. I will NOT go back to that.

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theawakenedstate · 25 days

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The Root Chakra is a Big Part of understanding our Energetic Foundation. However how do we even know if we have a healthy or imbalanced root chakra? With the release of The Chakra Detox Clearing Audio Meditation bundle in the Membership this month, I wanted to spend some time going into the deeper questions on Chakra Healing for those who are curious to learn more on Energy healing. This is one of my most passionate topics to talk on.

I thought we could take a different approach this time and start to look at each individual Chakra.

Starting with The Root Chakra

Last Week we went deep on: How does Chakra Healing actually work BTS?

Now, in relationship to knowing how chakra healing works, we have to start looking at: well, Do I have any imbalances or blocks in my chakra system? How do I know for sure?

Now, it’s very common to have a blocked or an imbalanced root chakra due to our society at large.

Unfortunately, we are a very fear-driven society. When we have a spiritual awakening, a big piece of it is learning how to evolve ourselves out of the survival mind and into a place of the New paradigm, Thriving in that 5d consciousness, that lives beyond fear.

Of course fear is normal and a very natural part of life – However When we have a root chakra imbalance or block, FEAR and Survival is often all we can think about in our Worldview.

The Root Chakra is an important chakra to balance as it helps us:

Regulate our Nervous system

Move out of Lack/Scarcity Consciousness

Feel a Sense of Belonging

Feel safe and Supported in your body

And so forth.

The Root Chakra also helps us literally feel “grounded” which is an important skill as an energy sensitive, HSP or Empath. (without question lol) The root is the place of our Energetic foundation that is located at the base of our spine. It holds immense power in shaping our sense of safety, support, and connection with the world around us. Let’s dive into the signs and symptoms of a blocked root chakra versus a Balanced Root Chakra. However, First, you might be asking yourself:

What’s the Difference Between an Imbalanced Chakra vs. Blocked Chakras?

A blocked chakra is usually a chakra that’s been blocked over a period of time(years even) and that chakra has blocked energetic flow in a particular chakra. An Imbalanced chakra is a little bit different because an imbalance can often be overactive or underactive energy flowing through the body. This means the chakra has very little flow in the chakra or an Excessive amount of Energy in that chakra.

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Signs of An Imbalanced Root

What are the common signs of a blocked Root Chakra? Imbalances in this chakra can manifest in various ways, leading to feelings of fear, insecurity, and disconnection. Individuals with a blocked energy in this chakra may experience a constant sense of paranoia, believing that the world is against them. This fear-driven mentality often results in a lack mindset, where scarcity and lack of abundance dominate one’s thoughts.

Moreover, a blocked root chakra can trigger survival instincts, pushing individuals into a fight-or-flight mode. This survivalistic mindset engulfs them in feelings of uncertainty and inadequacy, hindering their ability to feel safe and supported in their environment. The lack of belonging and connection further exacerbates the root chakra imbalance, creating a sense of isolation and alienation from oneself and others.

Balancing the Root Chakra for Healing

On the contrary, a balanced root chakra instills a profound sense of security, support, and abundance in one’s life. Individuals with balanced root chakras exude a feeling of safety and trust in the universe, knowing that they are supported in their spiritual journey. This alignment with the root chakra enables them to cultivate an abundance mindset, where the focus shifts from scarcity to prosperity and growth.

A person with a balanced root chakra will have a deep sense of connection with oneself and the world around them, leading to feelings of belonging and self-assurance. By embracing the healing power of the root chakra, individuals can transcend survival instincts and embrace a state of peace, harmony, and inner stability.

Practical Steps for Root Chakra Healing

To address root chakra imbalances and blocks, individuals can engage in various healing practices, including Mindset tools, Mind-Body Healing, energy healing work, and mindfulness techniques. By exploring and releasing past traumas, fears, and limiting beliefs, one can restore balance to the root chakra and realign with the energy of safety and support. By recognizing and addressing the signs of root chakra blocks, individuals can embark on a transformative path towards self-discovery, healing, and empowerment.

Unlocking the Power of Our Energetic Foundation

In conclusion, the root chakra serves as the cornerstone of our energetic foundation, influencing how we perceive and interact with the world. By understanding the signs and symptoms of imbalances, individuals can tap into the inherent power of Chakra Healing and manifest a life filled with abundance, connection, divine Health and self-realization.

P.S. Here’s Three ways to Support you with the Chakras! 1. Chakra Detox- Energy Clearing Audio Meditation album just opened and is being released in the membership this month! Energy clearing work is a perfect introduction into helping you heal & balance your chakra system from the Mind-Body Level.

March’s bundle: chakra Detox will be going through a energy clearing journey of the chakra system all month long. Learn more about How to Join The ultimate Spiritual awakening Membership below

>>> The Soul-Aligned Life Academy >>> 2. The Ultimate Chakra Academy will be opening soon! Sign up for the Waitlist to be Notified of When the doors open. https://chakra.theawakenedstate.net/ 3. Sign up for the NEW FREE TRAINING: CHAKRA STARTER TOOLKIT: Beginner to the Chakras? Receive my Chakra Crash Course and learn my Framework to help you heal your chakra system: https://www.theawakenedstate.net/chakra/

If you Enjoyed this Article Share it to the Socials or Pin it for a Spiritual Bestie to Find, Thanks for the support!

https://www.theawakenedstate.net/signs-of-a-blocked-root-chakra/

Signs of a Blocked Root Chakra

#chakra healing #energy healing work #energy work #root chakra

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waitingforgodot-hostage · 5 months

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This weekends theme: semi-constant sounds of weeping emitting from my cabin, alluring local dacryphiliacs and other evil entities to pay me a visit during outwardly appearing periods of rest granted in between hysterical episodes.

I was supposed to write up and submit a rough draft of my thesis requirement to my professor by the end of the day today, but am just now reviewing sources at dinner time on Sunday. I’ve been restricted to wasting away under the covers, either actively sleeping or merely pretending to be dead.

For whatever reason, I decided to start exercising my astral projection abilities which I haven’t intentionally done in several years. I suppose I’m trying to see if I can find anything that will ease the sorrow and guilt that precede every thought produced by my tormented psyche. I’ve refrained from researching scholarly sources related to the out of body experiences I’m able to procure and likewise haven’t sought advice from a shrink or proclaimed expert in spirituality and alternate realms. Due to this, I don’t necessarily have a clear idea as to the difference between lucid dream, out of body experience, and astral projecting so they’re sort of synonymous to me at this time until I learn more. I am however planning on finding more information and consulting with an expert who could point me in the right direction. For now, I’m assuming the dreams I have are lucid dreams because they’re very realistic and I do think and feel very real things internally while out of body experiences and astral projection is more intense, intentional, and potentially dangerous.

I used to regularly struggle with what I know to be sleep paralysis years ago and still do get episodes occasionally but nowhere near the rate that it was a decade ago. This is because I’ve taught myself methods to help prevent it from happening- I had to do this to survive as I wasn’t getting any sleep otherwise. Something that I haven’t been able to find a lot of formal research on, is how when I get sleep paralysis my brain somewhat tricks me into believing Im just having an average lucid dream with no adverse otherworldly entities or concepts involved. These forces put me in a position where I feel extremely powerless and sometimes have feared I’d actually be killed from actual pain or total depletion of energy. Thankfully, I do know how to overpower and escape from these experiences both prior to when they occur and in the midst of a full blown episode where I’m unable to move. This is also why I choose to lead life from a vantage point proclaiming love, acceptance, and compassion; it serves as protection from vengeful forces which I fear stalk me. God bless.

Something I’ve had to teach myself is to learn to recognize when I am in the dream realm opposed to reality as my dreams are consistently very realistic and sometimes mundane in nature. I’ve lived several days within a universe that appears to be perfectly average while sleeping during a single night. It gets really difficult to differentiate between my experiences and acquired knowledge from dreams vs reality and has contributed significantly to my paranoia and anxiety. I struggle with waking up in a disoriented and dissociative state that is somewhat dictated by the type of dream I have. Keep in mind, I can fully control my actions and others to an extent in my dreams once I’ve realized I was in fact dreaming. But a serious problem arises when I try to dictate the behaviors and decisions made by others in my dreams so I stray away from doing so for the most part.

I don’t mind basically sitting back and observing the plot of my dreams, they can usually teach me a lot about myself and sometimes others too. It’s a great way to pass time and be productive during my sleeping hours. Sometimes however, I do experience looped or consecutive dreams where I’ll wake up go through a whole day, go to sleep, and wake up again still in the dream realm. This is either organic or forced i.e. it either just happens and I don’t necessarily realize based on a lack of indicators, or I specifically make an effort to wake up and instead of actually waking up I get trapped.

Every morning, I wake up and I am suspicious of whether or not I’m in reality or still asleep. If I notice that I’m dreaming and things are taking a negative turn meaning there’s something malicious or dark involved with any aspect of the dream I’m in, I can recognize that quickly and opt to wake myself up. This does work about 90% of the time and I don’t get sleep paralysis- if I do get sleep paralysis it’s usually pretty brief because I was ahead of it and previously understood and anticipated what may happen.

Under no circumstances is it smart to bring attention to others that I know I’m in the dream realm or that I am not from there. I’ve honestly blocked out a lot of those instances where I had done this, because they were quite unpleasant- bad enough to where I’ve avoided astral projecting/having out of body experiences or even thinking about it or doing research for many years now. I don’t know what I ran into or what found me in my youth, but I feel it is still waiting for me to slip up and come face to face with it once more. I guess I’m looking for some excitement as I have hit an all time low in terms of my will to live, and therefore have pretty much decided fuck it!

I’m finishing up my undergraduate and will have a lot of free time on my hands, so this is one topic that I’d like to set time aside to figure some things out. I haven’t thought about this sort of thing in many years and have been through a lot of traumatic events during that time, so I’ve basically forgotten a lot of details about my previous experiences and just know generally how I feel about what I’ve seen. I astral projected yesterday for the first time since I was a teenager, it was interesting and I didn’t experience anything negative actually. I did fear looking in the mirror so I didn’t get to see myself- I get freaked out by mirrors and reflections in real life so that’s probably why. There’s always an eerie feeling to the bathroom here in the cabin so yeah I didn’t go in that room but it was pretty cool and I’d like to try again soon.

**EDIT** I am severely mentally unwell and have not received counseling or psychiatric help of any sort for the first 23 years of my life. I just started on medication about two months ago for depression and haven’t yet spoken to a psychiatrist or been formally diagnosed with any disorder. I’m not trying to self diagnose anything, but I do struggle with a variety of issues to the point I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have borderline thinking, social anxiety, abandonment and attachment issues, panic attacks, depressive and manic episodes, paranoia and delusions… I struggle with a lot of issues all around and am working on figuring that out as well.

#tw depressing thoughts #depressed #paranoia #anxienty #astral realm #astral projection #lucid dreaming #out of body experience #spirituality

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quiannesblog · 7 months

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REFLECTION 001

Not Everybody Believes In A God: A Reflection Paper on My Experiences Growing Up With God and Religion

As the saying goes, “Every man’s heart one day beats its final beat. Their lungs breathe their final breath. And if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others and makes them bleed deeper in something that’s larger than life, then their essence, their spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers.”

Theology was a subject that I have been avoiding to learn about ever since I was a kid.

Do not get me wrong. I love learning but when it comes to God and religious beliefs, it was a topic I refused to acknowledge as much as I could. I know of its impact and how it has affected history, especially the trajectory of human lives and if given a chance, I’d want to be open-minded about it, even if it means abandoning my own atheistic beliefs.

I grew up in a typical, religious Filipino family. Full of hypocrites and empty-hearted worshippers, who only kneel before God in desperate times and never on times they should thank Him. They used His name and the “supposed” teaching at church to scare me and force me in a box of fear and paranoia, without truly knowing God properly and the church itself. I used to be the kid who prays to God and Jesus; before I eat a meal served at our dining table, at school where I was most of the times, and before I go to sleep where I dreamed peacefully.

You could say that it was inflicted on me, because our house used to have this display dedicated to God and Jesus, filled with His and Their framed pictures, along with religious figures— such as angels, the apostles, and so on and so forth. But I’ve never seen any of my family members who actually prays and give an ounce of their attention at the altar built in at the corner of the wall, always going on their way and ignoring it. It was indeed just a display, even the thick-paged bible that was on our house has collected the dust, no mark of fingerprints were left on it to show that someone has opened and read it. My family loves to pretend that they cared about God, but I grew up hearing foul and hateful words coming out of their mouths, and how they cursed other people to damnation.

I was mostly ignored when I was a kid. They fed me, they bought me clothes to wear, I slept in a comfortable bed, and there was a roof over my head, but that doesn’t mean I grew up in a loving, caring home. I do not have vivid memories of the happiest moments of my life, but I do remember hiding behind the curtains and watching my grandparents fight all the time; sometimes, it’s about money, or my grandmother’s constant accusation of my grandfather cheating on her, or how they’re having a hard time raising me while my mother is still finishing her college degree. I was the result of teenage pregnancy and growing up was not pleasant for me, as my family would constantly berate me just for my mere existence and how they’d shamed my mother for getting pregnant early.

They’d tell me that I was a sinner and God could never love me, which resulted to me being scared all the time that I’ll just die because my family told me God eliminates sin and punishes the sinners. And my father? Oh, he left after they got married and started a whole new family; which is funny as I heard my grandparents say that he was a faithful and family-oriented man and yet he can’t take up the responsibility to be a proper husband to my mother and father to me. I was always alone and left at the house. I didn’t have anyone to play with as a kid. I had toys, yes, but I missed the feeling of what it’s like to have a bond and in my mind, I made up different imaginary friends. It was a lonely childhood and I always wondered what ever I did in my past life to deserve this (if ever that exists), because why was I allowed to have a life like mine?

I prayed to God. I prayed to Jesus. I prayed to anybody who would hear my prayers. I was so tired of hearing my family fight all the time and why it became the norm in our lives. None of my prayers were answered. It only got worse over the years and it made me often think to myself up until now, that if God truly exists why was my life like that? Am I not His child to be shun in a life that was miserable and lonely?

At school, I became envious of my classmates because I see their family picking them up after schools with smiles on their faces while the person always waiting for me by the gates was my yaya— strangers that have come and go in my life, who replaced the bond and comfort I seek out badly from my family that they cannot give. I saw how supportive my classmates’ parents were and how they praised them even if they did not well in school, so as long as they’re learning. But for me? It was a nightmare to step foot at our house the moment I have failed a school work.

I remember how I’ll sit at the dining table back at home with my grandparents and mother looking at me with disappointed expressions on their faces, my failed school works sprawled on the table instead of our dinner for the night. My mother would cradle my face gently, but her eyes tell a different story— she was mad and she saw me as a failure. She’d ask me, “Why didn’t you do better?” or “Do you think I’m happy with a score like this?” and I’d shook my head with tears in my eyes, my heart heavy knowing that she can’t be proud of me. My grandparents would stay quiet and compare me to other children, say why am I not like my classmate, or Aling Marie’s son, and so on and so forth. And all of the these things they’d said would fill my mind and I’ll just close my eyes to try and forget about it. During those nights, my sleeps were restless and I don’t pray because I feel like I can’t seek comfort from God. And even on the days I succeed, where I present A+ papers to them, they don’t feel proud of me. They don’t praise me and all I get is a nod and an empty acknowledgment, and at those moments, I feel alone, that not even praying to God can help me feel better.

Continue Reading...?

#reflection paper 1

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ceyhanmedya · 1 year

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Earthquake phobia: Seismophobia

New Post has been published on https://bankakredin.com/earthquake-phobia-seismophobia/

Earthquake phobia: Seismophobia

Regardless of its severity and location, every earthquake news is enough to renew our pain, our fears relapse. However, for some, the earthquake is more than just a fear, it is a phobia that turns life into a nightmare… The world is shaking and the number of victims of earthquake phobia ‘seismophobia’ is increasing.

A friend of mine starts screaming when the fringe of the curtain in the living room shakes, his heart is beating like it will burst, he is sweating coldly, trembling; when the birds start to sing a little more than usual, he takes his breath under the table. I am wondering what to do. Another one does not even go near very large structures because of the fear of being under the majestic clock in case of an earthquake.

I became worried that one day something would happen to my friends I mentioned, not from an earthquake, but from earthquake paranoia, that they would lose their lives not because the building collapsed, but because they jumped out of the window. They are just a few of the growing numbers of people with ‘seismophobia’, or earthquake phobia.

What can we do to be prepared for an earthquake?

The Greek word ‘seismo’ means earthquake. ‘Seismophobia’, which we can translate into Turkish as ‘earthquake phobia’, is not an issue where the person himself is in danger, unlike many other phobias; It is triggered by disaster scenarios involving his family, close environment and even the world. It’s actually a kind of death and loss phobia.

So in reality, we are terrified not by the earthquake itself but by its potential consequences, by the possibility of dying and losing loved ones. ‘Seismophobia’ is most often triggered by uncertainty. Because we cannot predict when, where and how severe an earthquake will occur, and its consequences are inevitable.

Losing everything materially and spiritually in a few seconds and the impossibility of being under control keeps the phobia alive if it is not dealt with. Because these people are aware that they cannot escape danger by living in an earthquake-proof house, because they can be caught in disaster at work, in the grocery store or even while walking on the road.

Even if the earthquake is on the other side of the world, they are exposed to a lot of earthquake news, even if they don’t watch the news, they are exposed to the scenarios on social media, and they get confused with the earthquake. In fact, experts say that even aftershocks can be enough to create a feeling of intense fear and helplessness on their own.

The symptoms and severity of ‘seismophobia’ may vary, depending on the strength of the person’s psychological defense system, the age of the person, where he or she caught the earthquake, and whether or not he lost a loved one during the earthquake.

However, the most common ones are irrational startle, frightened by sounds, resisting sleep, being cut off from eating, inability to focus on issues other than earthquakes, having constant nightmares about earthquakes, refusal to socialize, and crying spells.

There are also those who do not enter the house for days after the earthquake news, refuse to be indoors, cannot approach high-rise buildings, and feel ill in the ground and basement floors.

How to overcome earthquake phobia in 7 steps?

There are also medicated methods applied to those who are severely affected by ‘seismophobia’, but according to experts, you can control it yourself with a few simple methods before it’s too late.

1. Psychiatrist Jason Eric Schiffman warns that no matter how severe an earthquake phobia you are, you should force yourself to stay in a routine: “Don’t consider smoking your friend to relax.”

2. Don’t suppress your fear, don’t dwell on your experiences with the fear that you won’t be understood. Because ’emotionally unresponsive’ people experience the trauma more severely. Trying to deal with these feelings by ignoring them has more serious consequences than you can imagine.

3. Avoidance behaviors are not as innocent as you think. For example, give up behaviors such as sleeping with your child, not closing the door, not locking it, and avoiding sleeping in the dark room. But go over your fears slowly, don’t try to stop all avoidance behaviors all at once. Remember that your child is imitating you, do not show him your mood.

4. Prepare mentally. Make a plan to stay calm and cool. Knowing that your child is prepared for an earthquake gives you mental relief.

5. With cognitive-behavioral psychotherapies, you can begin to test your realistic beliefs and thoughts about a possible earthquake and instead begin to think more realistically. In this way, the emotional, physical and mental symptoms of earthquake fear will disappear, and avoidance behaviors will decrease or even end over time.

6. You may have an earthquake bag, but do not place it in a way that reminds you of the danger, for example, in the corner of your room.

7. Judith Kolberg, who drew attention with her book “Organize for Disaster”, which is a guide to preparing for disasters, said, “Write down 10 things you need to take with you in case of an emergency beforehand. Then reduce the list to 5, then to 3. Play Video

What should be in the earthquake bag?

For the safest place in the world…

Janis Ericson, who administers earthquake phobia therapies to her clients in the state of California, USA, which is often shaken by earthquakes, says that the best thing you can do for yourself is to stay calm.

Losing that earthquake anxiety invites the biggest danger, Ericson said, “You can create the safest place in the world when you manage to stay calm against the possibility of an earthquake. He uses the expression “not by panicking and freezing where you are”. Nicholas Pollak, a hypnotherapist who also works on earthquakes in California, says, “The events that we cannot understand or understand are the most terrifying to us, which is the case with the earthquake.” For example, while sitting on a chair, close your eyes and visualize the earthquake moment in your mind.

First terrified, trembling, watch you beating heart, moving uncontrollably. Stay frozen where you are. Then, in the second scenario, watch you, who manages to use the best escape method for himself, regardless of the circumstances, and you decide which one should be.”

#an earthquake p wave travels through #an earthquake&039;s p wave arrived at a seismograph #earthquake fear #earthquake paranoia #earthquake phobia #earthquake phobia: seismophobia #fear of earthquakes #hippopotamus sesquipedalian phobia #i&039;m scared of earthquakes #phobia 8 #phobia of earth #phobia of earthquakes #q phobias #quake in fear #seismophobia #seismophobia pronunciation #seismophobia symptoms #what is fear of earthquakes called #what is the fear of earthquakes called

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mikecrewsteacup · 1 year

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same anon as before: i am so glad jon becomes less of an idiot in ch4, at least by a little bit. the bar is in the floor, but still lmao. also, i'm just ,,,, thinking about how much gerry is Thinking. he's constantly running the calculations of "which of these risks will hurt me less", of "which of these transgressions will he forgive", on one meal a day and too little sleep. how the fuck has he not collapsed yet?? jon please sit him down and have a conversation with him about what's expected of him poor guy is so scared all the time he reminds me of my chickens (startles easily, prey-creature instincts, so g-ddamn strong, and such survivors)

also! i was more absorbed in talking about "holy shit poor gerry" last ask, but i am Very intrigued by whatever story is behind those tattoos. were they always used as a shield, as protection, or only once pain became his constant companion??

also, just,, the casual way he thinks about all the things that have been done to him. the way he didn't understand why jon recoiled from him in the kitchen. the way he can't even sit on the couch for more than a few seconds, but still thinks of it with such tired, worn-down flatness. it's not unspeakably horrible, to him, it's just part of life. (also, "training"? like a fucking dog?? that was horrible thanks)

- 🌻 (so i don't have to keep typing out "same anon as before" lol, i expect ill be back to yell some more as more thoughts occur to me)

hello again 🌻 anon (enjoy chapter 4, i've lost all control of my life and posting schedule now that nano is finished and i'm staring at my pile of edited work. oops) I will also say - with the enormous caveat that Jon is Very Bad At Feelings and sometimes even bungles it by correctly interpreting the other person, but incorrectly imagining what will help - that it's going to be important to remember in Howls that a big storytelling device is the fact that neither Gerry nor Jon are reliable narrators. As was (hopefully) showcased by the revelation from chapt 1-2 of "wow Jon's really bad at just reassuring Gerry" (which is true, but perhaps stretching the boundaries of belief considering the stakes) followed by chapt 3 establishing that Gerry is putting in 24/7 effort to NOT LOOK SCARED, because he thinks that is a dangerous thing to admit to. Which is something I'm having fun playing with! These two are both tangled up in their own expectations/wishes/assumptions and their POVs right now are dissonant to the point of only making a full picture when viewed side by side. Or that's my hope, at least lmao. Jon is also just very idiot :') he's channeling both his natural badness at relationships with some of his s2 paranoia/bitterness, because this Jon has already waded pretty deep into the spooks in this AU. that is a very good analogy of poor Gerry... our guy is living off of adrenaline and the human instinct to survive and something weird called 'hope' that he keeps assuming has died but 1000% has not and never really properly will, because this is Gerry "regularly saving strangers even though I know the Fears are insurmountable" Keay we're talking about... ooh so I actually am very happy to disclose at least parts of what's upcoming, when it's about everyone's powers and altered pasts and whatnot... all of Gerry's tattoos happened shortly before he went after Diego Molina in this AU, and he will actually describe in detail what his intentions were and why! I will say that while he got the Dark tattoos for a very specific purpose at first, his use of them HAS indeed changed over time ;) what he tries using them for will get more explicit around chapters 8-9, and he'll be infodumping to Jon later on as well. 'it's not unspeakably horrible, to him, it's just part of life' and here is the true tragedy of this guy in any and all universes... I adore him but he needs many hugs and a nap :') I love hearing your thoughts, thank you for the messages!

#ask ghoul #ghoul speaks #fic: who howls my name

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the-musings-of-an-odd-child · 2 years

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i wrote this on 27 Oct 2021, enjoy (or writhe in pain i dont care also this is the first post in a series be prepared or die)

Trans struggles

Life as a half-closeted genderfluid student is difficult, to say the least. And before you say ‘oh, quit whining, my life is just as hard,’ I’m not saying my life is the worst. Far from that, actually. My life is much better than most trans people’s.

Let’s start with the fact that I live in California. The golden state is one of the best places to be trans. California doesn’t support the Gay Trans Panic Defense, which basically legalises the killing of LGBTQ+ people. And here, you can change your legal gender without having any top or bottom surgeries. We can choose to go into our gender affirming bathrooms. And people here generally support us. But it’s not all fun and games. Because even though the legislature is nice, the people around me aren’t always.

Because I’m a student, I go to school. High school, to be slightly more exact. And if you’ve been through high school, it’s pretty bad on its own. Stress, the future, schoolwork, peer pressure, and even love weigh down on the average student’s shoulders. But add gender dysphoria, mental and physical health problems, bullying, and discrimination, and you’ve got the average trans student. I know, it sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Let’s walk you through it.

You already know of the normal things, so we’ll skip right to the ones that affect trans kids the most.

Gender dysphoria isn’t a given burden. Some people don’t have it. But most do. I do. Gender dysphoria is as it’s written. A dysphoric feeling relating to gender. It could have something to do with clothes, hair, facial features, body features, body shape, and all kinds of other things. But when you have dysphoria, it makes it so that you don’t want to do anything. You don’t want to focus in class or talk with your friends, for example. And sometimes it’s bad enough that you don’t want to eat or drink anything.

Eating food and drinking water are basic human needs. But neglecting those needs leads to health problems. Kids could become dehydrated and malnourished, and eventually end up in the hospital. Other things, such as chest binding for too long could deform and crack ribs, and cause lung problems. And even if trans kids eat and drink, they’re often scared of using the bathrooms. This often leads to urinary tract infections and kidney problems. But how can kids use the very bathrooms they’re afraid of?

Not using the bathrooms is a result of bullying and harassment. Whether they were directly bullied or heard about it from others, this fear isn’t good. One of my friends, whose name I won’t be mentioning, was bullied in the bathrooms that affirmed their gender, and stared at in the bathrooms belonging to their assigned sex. Of course, I heard these stories, and because I didn’t have just a single gender, I felt even more out of place than before. I thought I would be bullied even more than they had been, because of my gender.

But I persevered despite the possible bullying, despite the constant anxiety and paranoia, despite the ignorants mocking gay people. And I got here. I have more experience than when I started. I joined a club full of other LGBTQ+ students, and I was accepted.

I also realised something. Even though I live in a nice place, where people talk nice to me, it’s the behind the scenes that counts.

My friends all say I pass, or seem cisgender, the most out of our group. Somehow that’s true. Though I think my transmasculine friend passes the best. But regardless, I hear what people say. Boys insult each other, shouting ‘gay!’ whenever they don’t like something. Girls wear clothes with drawings from gay artists on them and then demean lesbians behind their backs. Trans kids are cornered in bathrooms and pushed into stalls.

I’m thankful, of course, that it’s never happened to me. But I’m angered, because these are scenarios that happened to my close friends. Day by day, more of these injustices happen. Day by day, my friends gather around and tell each other what bad things happened to them. But day by day, nothing changes.

Each time these negativities happen, we lift our heads towards the hopeful future. There are seldom good things, but when they happen, we celebrate. Something as simple as being gendered correctly, someone using he/him pronouns for my transmasc friend, a fellow student being an ally, we celebrate. Why do we have to celebrate when these should be normal events? Why do we celebrate when we know there is so much more to be done?

Because we are grateful. We know that with every ally, we are one step closer to a more accepting future. But if even one person is ignorant or refuses to accept us, then there will be no future.

Now is the time to be aware. Aware of all the things that we, as trans kids and young adults, are going through. Now is the time to care. To care for each other, and to care for our future. Now is the time to dare. Dare to explore, to accept, and to discover.

We are the future. We are Earth. And you, you’d better listen. Because we are coming.

#trans #pride #i am dying please help #arent we all #transphobia #fuck the government #lgbtq

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lihikainanea · 2 years

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lei this idea has been ruminating and it’s bill having an extremely vivid dream, like the ones he got after ‘it’, that’s tiger leaving bill to be with gustaf romantically, finding out they had been sleeping together. it hits from a place of losing her, but also being betrayed by the two people he trusted most. of course it’s a dream, but it can’t leave his mind, the words she said, imagery of them having sex. eventually tiger realizes he’s pulled away which is when he confesses, embarrassed as hell, but she has nothing but love for her big dude. it turns into that sex where it’s so passionate and as much as tiger hates eye contact, he needs it. she’s on top and he initially tries to be on top, but she stops him. it’s so raw and intimate, tears start to stream out of his eyes, all the pent up inner insecurities and emotions flowing out. as he comes, she cradled his head to her neck, hushing him and being so sweet to him.

Oh goddddddddd MY SOFF HEART NANI STOP IT

STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

Listen, I am absolutely victim of those situations where I dream something, and then wake up MAD AS HELL at the person over something they did in my dream. it's also equally confusing, because usually when I dream they're not so much dreams as they are premonitions--they, eventually, always happen in some form. And just to add an extra layer of spice to my life, I also can kind of get confused with timings in my dream land and my reality and I'll dream of something that I'm pretty convinced already happened, and then I can't remember which one the real version is.

Witchy shit, it's fun friends (not).

In any case, what I low-key love here is that you kind of honed in on Bill's insecurities. Because let's face it--I think to be an actor, or to be in the public eye at all, you actually have to be remarkably insecure, with a mild hint of self-loathing. I think most people who find success in the spotlights are ones who, deep down, need and crave a type of validation from complete strangers, a type of adoration from the masses. And I don't think it's a bad thing, but I think it's also why a lot of famous people seem to have a double personality, a Jekyll and Hyde situation going on--they have one personality that they can safely project onto strangers for adoration, and they have a much more vulnerable, much more private side that they keep to themselves and for their loved ones.

And I think growing up in a big family, Bill never didn't have a taste of the limelight. He grew up not knowing if peers were approaching him for genuine friendship, or if they were approaching him for fame by association. He grew up always questioning everyone's intentions, being weary of new people, he grew up with eyes in the back of his head and that feeling only intensified when he, himself, became famous.

Tiger always tells him he has a slight paranoia in his overall being, and he doesn't argue. Bill can sense a photo being taken of him, from way across the room. He can pick out the shutter click of a camera phone in the middle of a death metal concert, and he can tell you exactly where it's coming from.

One of Bill's biggest fears is someone exploiting his vulnerable side, somebody who doesn't have his consent to witness him in that way. It's things like a quiet moment out with tiger, which can sometimes put him on edge for days before and after because he worries that someone took a sneaky picture of him. It's how exposed he feels just doing normal things like his groceries, knowing that a camera can go off and there's nothing he can do to stop it. Bill lives in constant fear that the side he keeps private will be intruded upon and blasted out to the fandom, and it's something he holds so sacred.

So I don't think it's AT ALL misplaced that when he has a horrible dream of betrayal, a dream of his biggest vulnerabilities being taken advantage of--I don't think it's at all wrong that it would be of tiger and Gustaf sleeping together.

Because those two? They are the biggest protectors that Bill has. Those are the two people that he shields himself with, the two people who will fight to the death to conserve what he considers sacred, the two people he openly and comfortably shares his vulnerability with, and the two he goes to for comfort and solace.

And consequently, they are the two who could hurt him the most.

So when Bill is having a bad week, maybe something did happen--a sneaky photo he didn't know was being taken, an intrusion on a quiet night out with friends--it really sends Bill for a loop, and can put him in a bad place for a few days. Tiger supports him however she can--he usually isn't up for leaving the house, so she cocoons him in safety at home--keeps the curtains drawn, builds little blanket forts around him. Hell, she probably even gives him her phone for a few days--and it's not because she would EVER do anything to betray his trust, and it's not because he would EVER think she would--but it's safety thing, for him. And the fact that tiger offers it up willingly, offers him just that added layer of safety in knowing that literally the only devices in the whole house that can capture these private moments are in his hands and completely under his control--he needs that.

But like with anything that is weighing on his mind--then the dreams start. Tiger's been with him a few times when the nightmares happened, it's usually after a role where he really had to immerse himself in a dark character for a long time. He wakes up sweating, sometimes screaming, thrashing. He breathes heavy, almost hyperventilating, and tiger has to throw herself at him just to help him calm down. She has to sit on his lap and pull him into her chest, let him breathe her in, let him feel her. She has to talk him down from it. And he needs her for that, in those weeks he constantly seeks her out, touches her, cuddles with her--just for some sense of safety.

But this time is different, and she notices it right away. He doesn't thrash, but he does scream--and when he wakes up, she crawls into his lap and presses into him but he doesn't hold her. Tiger doesn't make much of it, she just wants him to get whatever it is he needs. Whether that's more touch or no touch at all--whatever he needs.

Except the next day, instead of seeking her out, he's....distant. Withdrawn. He doesn't say much, doesn't seek out any affection, and instead responds halfheartedly (if at all) at her attempts. She, in turn, dials it back a notch too--thinking maybe he needs some space this round.

But the next night, it's the same thing. And the day after--he's withdrawn again, dark circles under his eyes, and he's avoiding her gaze. He's actually avoiding her entirely.

So before he gets too far away on her--Bill has a reclusive side that is always just bubbling, barely contained, beneath the surface--that night when he goes to bed on his own, she gives him a few minutes and then she goes to him.

"Billy?" she says quietly from the doorway, "Can I ask you something?"

She sees him sit up in the darkness, rearrange the sheets around him.

"Hmph?" he grunts. She takes it as her cue and walks over, sitting cross legged on the bed in front of him. Bill doesn't raise his eyes.

"Can you tell me what you need?" she asks softly, "Because I don't think I'm giving it to you. And I want to. I just don't know what it is."

Bill stays quiet, his eyes still downcast.

"Bud, hey. Look at me," she insists, and when he doesn't she takes his cheeks in her palms and raises his face to hers. There's something in his eyes, a broken look struck across his features, and her gentle prodding suddenly turns to genuine concern.

"What is it bud?" she asks.

"It's nothing."

He pulls his face from her hands but she's quick to grab it again, and tilt it back to hers.

"It's not nothing," she says, "Talk to me?"

Bill sighs--heavily, his whole body sags--and he runs a hand across his eyes.

"It's the dreams," he says, and she nods understandingly. She goes to say something, but he cups a hand over her mouth.

"They're different this time," he says, and there's a long pause. Tiger just waits.

"I keep dreaming that you and Gustaf are fucking," he says bluntly.

Tiger, bless her heart, wants to squeak. She wants to ask him if he's out of his goddamn mind. She wants to laugh at the ridiculousness of it--but she doesn't. This is real, to him. And it's hurting him. Every single fibre of her being wants to protect him, and wants him to know that she's his.

She takes his hand off of her mouth.

"We're not," she says, "But you know that already. So let me tell you something else that you know already."

"Tiger--"

But it's her turn to silence him.

"It's you, Bill. You. Only you. All this time, it's only you," she tells him, and she doesn't let him look away, "You are the one I want to be with. You are the one who protects me, makes me feel safe. You are the one who makes me feel so goddamn good. It's you, and it's only you. Yes?"

He's silent for a long beat, but then he nods slowly.

"Say it," she urges, as she takes her hand from his mouth.

"Yes," he rasps.

"No, all of it."

"It's me," he whispers, "Only me."

"Only you."

She kisses him long and deep, and for the first time in a few days, she feels his arms snake around her waist to hold her.

"What happened this week, what got you this way...what do you feel?" she asks. He sighs, and thinks about it.

"Exposed," he says finally, "Vulnerable. In a way I didn't want to be. With people I didn't want to see it."

She nods, tracing over his nose with the tip of her finger.

"You are my biggest protector, bud. You are my biggest confidant. You make me feel safe, you make me feel shielded from the bullshit of the world, and I...I show a side of myself to you, that nobody else is allowed to see. You know that," she says, and she blushes a bit at the last part. He smiles softly, kissing her fingertip.

" I can't imagine how I would feel if others saw that part of me, when I didn't want them to," she continues, "Your dreams make sense, Billy. You are the one person in this world who knows me better than anyone. And if my nightmares were going to exploit that vulnerability, if my mind was going to get me all fucked up over something that happened--then they'd hit on that too."

He's quiet, and she takes the opportunity to kiss him long and deep again.

"Granny used to say that our dreams tell us our biggest joys, and our nightmares tell us our biggest fears--at the heart of it all," she says, "What happened this week fucked you up. Something took advantage of a fear you have, and it was very real. And it just spiralled from there."

He sighs, and she scoots in closer to him.

"For as much as you protect me, as much safety as you provide me, I think maybe I provide a little bit of that back to you," she whispers.

"You do," he interrupts, "God tiger, you save me. Every goddamnd day, you save me."

"So then it makes sense that when you need some saving, when you're feeling a bit vulnerable, that's the trick your brain plays on you," she says, "Your biggest fear, at the heart of it all. And for you, it's that someone you show your true side to--the few people privileged to get to see that--would betray you."

He doesn't say anything, he just holds onto her and tries to ease down and roll, so he's on top of her--but she stops him, rolling back so he's pinned beneath her.

"It's you," she says, and she presses her hips forward a bit. He sighs, pulling her closer and burying his face in her neck.

"It's you," she says again when she feels him inhale deeply, "And if you're up for it, I'd like to prove it to you."

#bill skarsgard #BFF!Bill #bill skarsgard drabble #bill skarsgard fic #bill skarsgard fiction #bill skarsgard fanfiction #bill skarsgard fanfic

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autisticsupervillain · 1 year

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FTF: Boss Battle

The show where we put a team of characters up against one much stronger or haxier character.

This Week's Boss Battle...

BOSS: Karkat Vantas

Team: The Seven

Homelander

Queen Maeve

Black Noir

A-Train

Starlight

The Deep

Scenario:

After a massive meteor crashes headlong into the middle of Manhattan, The Seven is called in to perform damage control and generate positive PR. Karkat stumbles from wreckage, causing the crowd to panic and mistake him for an alien invader, prompting Homelander to attack him.

BOSS Analysis: Karkat Vantas

Ask yourself one very important question. A question that has plagued nearly all of mankind since its very inception. What does God, our omnipotent creator, look like?

Stop thinking, because you're wrong. Our God is just an internet troll from another universe who wears a massive sweater, pulls his pants up to his chest, and has a love for dumb rom coms.

Source:

From this point, Karkat has been getting stronger all of his life. Everyone and everything in Homestuck has an Echeladder, a video game style leveling system that continues to make them stronger as they accomplish random things throughout their life, ranging from opening a fridge to winning a fight. Not only that, but several SBURB Players, Karkat included, have demonstrated the ability to move faster than the human eye can track, which can at most see 60 frames per second. This means they'd have to be moving at an average of about 18 m/s.

Source:

Team Analysis: The Seven

What if the Justice League were evil? It's one of the oldest questions in comic history. Injustice, the Justice Lords, the Dark Multiverse, countless comics have dedicated themselves to answering this question. What kind of hellish dystopia would they turn the world into if they sought to only use powers for themselves?

As it turns out, a dystopia that looks quite a bit like our own.

Introducing the Seven. The world's greatest superheroes, brought to you by Vought International. This all star team has inspired countless amount of merchandise, ranging from comics, movies, video games, and more. But, of course, as with all celebrities, there is something much darker lurking beneath the waves.

In truth, all of these heroes are nothing more than walking, talking products home grown by their corporate owners. Experimented on with the super soldier serum known as Compound V when they were children, each of the Seven were groomed from a young age to be perfect products, with no actual regard given to their status as people. As such, The Seven each perfectly represent the ultimate corrupt celebrity.

A-Train, the team speedster, is in truth a massive junkie always looking to get his fix, often at the cost of everyone around him. His addiction to V got so bad that not only was he willing to kill his own girlfriend to keep it under wraps, but it wound up causing him a near fatal heart attack that permanently crippled his running speed, stopping him from ever being the world's fastest man ever again.

Black Noir, the team's brooding assassin, is in truth a traumatized schizophrenic who was so badly beaten by his old leader Soldier Boy that he lost the ability to speak and now he sheepishly does whatever his corporate masters command.

The Deep, local Aquaman rip off, is behind the scenes, a monsterous rapist who uses his position to sexually harass and assault his fellow heroes, including newbie superhero Starlight, which resulted in her working with The Boys behind the scenes to bring down her more corrupt co-workers.

The most monsterous of them all, however, would be Homelander, current Vought CEO, who has a perchant for sexual assaulting his managers, killing his co-stars, and leaving thousands of innocent civilians to die fir the sake of his own PR.

What's more horrifying is that these people are easily the most powerful people on the planet.

The Deep is the weakest among them, with his best showing being surviving two miles under the ocean, which would require him to endure a force equivalent to 498004.1896 joules across his entire body. Fitting, seeing how he's only of any practical use in the water, as his powers revolve entirely around breathing underwater and talking to sea creatures. With no superhuman speed feats of note, The Deep is an even lamer version of Superfriends Aquaman. Take that for what it's worth.

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Next up is A-Train, whose overall power was heavily nerfed after his heart attack. Where he was once fast enough to liquify on contact just by running into them, A-Train is now only able to run a measly 119 m/s... which is still obscenely fast to be fair. Just nowhere near where he once was. It's so fast that the kinetic energy alone would be 602696.443 joules, enough to break through a solid stone wall.

Source:

Black Noir is where the Seven start getting truly impressive. While he has little more going for him than superhuman strength, he is one of few members of the team to actually be properly trained in martial arts, as he fought in Nicaragua alongside the US army with his old hero team Payback... before team leader Soldier Boy brutalized and crippled him that is. This experience edge has allowed him to defeat fellow Supes such as Starlight and Kimiko, as well gave him enough sense for him to carry around sleeping gas grenades, smoke bombs, and daggers. He's also tough enough to tank an explosion from the Supe terrorist Naqib, whose blasts should be worth roughly 70 kilojoules of energy and he's been stated to be able to outrun cars.

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Comparable to him is Starlight, whose light based blasts are strong enough to knock Black Noir back, while the above explosion didn't even stagger him. She possesses the extraordinary ability to absorb electricity and shoot it out as massive beams of light, bright enough to potentially blind those who look at it. With an extraordinary amount of electricity in her system, she can even manage to hurt Soldier Boy, one of the few Supes on the planet capable of hurting Homelander. Though, do keep in mind, this far above her normal levels and only something she could achieve while her powers were completely overcharged.

Queen Maeve is up next and, as stated by Homelander himself in a deleted scene, she is the second strongest superhuman on Earth. After extensive training, she was even able to draw blood from Homelander in a straight up fight, reliably holding her own, even if she was eventually overwhelmed. Her armored bracelets, are just as tough, capable of withstanding Homelander's heat vision.

And finally, there's Homelander. The man who won the superpower lottery. He has heat vision that can melt solid steel, flight that can keep up with airplanes, super senses that can hear your heartbeat, and x-ray vision that can see through several stories. He's easily the most powerful and dangerous man on the planet. It took a massive chemical plant explosion to so much as scratch him, with a blast comparable to 43 tons of tnt barely even making him bleed.

Source:

He's also capable of outrunning c4 explosions at point blank range, moving 18x faster than sound to do so.

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Now, if you're wondering where Supersonic is on this list, he is not only entirely featless, but he's also dead on account of Homelander. That's the first big problem with this team in a fight. They don't work together, they just try to appease Homelander to avoid getting slaughtered. They're not a superhero group, they're a bunch of superpowered celebrities being reigned over by one big bully.

As such, very few of them have any actual applicable skill or combat experience. While Queen Maeve, Black Noir, and Starlight have actual martial arts training and have been in a handful of series fights, the same cannot be said for The Deep, A-Train, or even Homelander. In fact, Homelander has only been in two fights where his opponent could actually threaten him. One of which was Maeve and one of which he ran away from after getting outnumbered. Everyone else, he just mows right through on the spot with eye lazers.

Despite that, however, The Seven are still easily the mightiest and deadliest heroes on planet earth. May god help us all.

Throwdown Theme:

youtube

Throwdown Breakdown:

Are you sitting down? Because I'm about to drop a bomb on you. Ready?

Karkat Vantas as a wriggler is twelve times stronger than Homelander.

Compare the impact of Rose's meteor to the chemical plant explosion Homelander tanked and you get 42 tons of tnt against a wopping 567 tons. And Karkat's only gotten stronger since then because he survived the impact as a literal infant. Even setting aside the Echeladder, Karkat's much stronger than everyone here.

So, can the Seven deal with that? No. No, they cannot.

Everyone who isn't comparable to Homelander in some way is completely useless here, as their attacks would bounce right off Karkat. If A-Train tries to rush him at full speed, he's going to splatter all over him like he hit Hughie's girlfriend on opposite day. It doesn't matter that A-Train is a bit faster because he can't do shit.

Could Maeve, Homelander, and Starlight maybe team up against him? They won't. Both Maeve and Starlight hate Homelander. Homelander paraded Supersonic's body around in front of Starlight for hell's sake. If Karkat starts kicking his ass, neither of them are going to step in on his behalf.

Now, to be perfectly fair, Homelander is much faster than Karkat, far too fast for him to react to anything he does. But that just makes this whole situation funnier, because Karkat isn't even going to be able to see Homelander's attacks doing fuck all.

To be until fair to the Seven, they absolutely would have the abilities needed to win this fight if they were willing and able to work together. Homelander and Maeve would just need to keep Karkat busy with their superior speed until Black Noir gets a sleep grenade off on him. Easy. But they won't. As soon as Homelander starts struggling, they're all either going to start panicking or cheering. The Deep and A-Train are viable to book it once Homelander breaks his wrists, leaving only Black Noir behind to pose a threat. While he could potentially get Karkat with a gas grenade, that would imply that A. Karkat couldn't just dodge it before it goes off. Or B. That Maeve or Starlight wouldn't stop him. Which they would have plenty of reason to after all Homelander's done to both of them.

Now, as a counter argument, I could see Maeve and Starlight potentially viewing Karkat as a threat to Earth due to the scenario. The problem with that is... it's Karkat. This guy immediately befriended somebody after they stabbed him in the gut. One of his best friends is would be genocidal supremacist Eridan Ampora. Not to mention, his reaction to this entire situation is going to be a bewildered vulgar tirade that's going to make it pretty clear to everyone actually listening that this is just a dumb kid in an oversized sweater.

I do however, see a situation where Homelander wins this. Namely, he could use the crowd around him as a bargaining chip to to force Karkat's surrender, since he has no problem with mass murder of civilians and Karkat's too slow to stop him. Only problem is, I don't think he'd think of it in character. In character, Homelander responds to losing a fight by first getting frustrated and then running away. He can be clever on the spot, sure, he spun that plane crash to his favor very easily. But that's more PR savvy than anything.

There's also the fact that if he does try that (or even just lashes out at the crowd in frustration, which I can see happening to be fair), then both Maeve and Starlight are going to be team Karkat pretty quickly, like what happened with Stormfront. While Starlight can't do much without overcharging, Maeve can. Sure, Homelander can beat Maeve on her own, she'd at least keep Homelander busy long enough to get Karkat the one hit he needs to knock Homelander out flat. All she really needs to do is keep him still for a few seconds.

I'd love to see Vought PR try and spin this one.

This Throwdown's Winner is...

Karkat Vantas!

#fictional throwdown fridays #homestuck #karkat vantas #ftf: boss fight #the boys #the seven #homelander #queen maeve #starlight #a train #the deep #black noir #Youtube

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rare-yanderes · 3 years

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(F/H) =favorite hobby.

I have the weirdest crush on this freaking duck and I don’t know why, so I’m taking out my confusion on this matter by making him yandere. Sorry that this is so long, boring and slow but I’m a sucker for slow burns and just dislike instant love. This went from just from headcannons to a freaking long ass story. I think I’ll make more on how the reader reacts when they find out just how mentally fucked Scrooge became.

Who knows, maybe I’ll write one for good ol’ Flinty. I have a feeling he’d just drop kick any rival he spots without much qualms about it. Meanwhile, Scrooge has a full on psychological derailment.

TW: manipulation, dependent behavior, stalking, and more.

______________

•To be honest, the likelyhood of Scrooge turning into a yandere might be higher than you think. He’s capable of self defense and can fight. He literally hunts treasure for a living. He also has a trillion dollar stockpile sitting around begging to be used for cover ups. His determination is pretty crazy, and he’s seen a lot on his adventures, things that would kind of instill a paranoia over time or an unhealthy me mentality. He can easily hide behind a professional front. Oh, and if he so wanted, he could travel and bury any evidence under a volcano. :)

•Since this is a yandere AU or, I’m gonna go with the idea that this is a what if the show had a TV-14 rating as well, so much darker themes can link and be explored.

•After pretty much a century of adventure, most of which includes violence and fighting through perils, human or not so, Scrooge is desensitized to quite a bit of violence and the dark and greedy side of the world. He’s seen the best of people and also the worst. This plays majorly in anyone who becomes a yandere; how exposed they are to people’s bad side or their own dark tendencies.

•Scrooge himself is not perfect and has demonstrated some traits of greediness, paranoia, and general distrustful behavior which is perfectly reasonable considering his work and the things he exposes himself too during it.

•Even though he loves adventure, there are a lot of bad things that happen on them that he seems to bottle up or keep to himself. Bottling up things causes a negative buildup in anyone, especially Scrooge because he expects that loving his life’s work will repair the same damage it sometimes does to him.

•Most likely, Scrooge developed an affinity with you through your similar drive for adventure. Maybe you worked for him in some way and he saw you defend someone or maybe you outsmarted one of his adversaries on an adventure he decided to bring you on. Regardless, you’ve caught his attention and this is only the beginning.

•A rival love interest’s biggest mistake is mistaking his age for a weakness. One minute he’s complaining about someone being on his lawn, the other they’re buried under it.

•Scrooge would probably connect most if he’s seen that you used to be in his shoes before, or at least a similar situation. Maybe you’re struggling financially but working your ass off to stabilize your income. As someone with the humble origins of a shoeshiner, Scrooge understands perfectly. Despite his incredible stockpile of wealth, he knows what’s it’s like to be at rock bottom.

•At first, you’re probably obviously very suprised with Scrooge’s involvement in your life. He’s from an entirely different world than yours after all, the top of the pyramid. Depending on your origins, you might react quite differently. Currently, you managed to find yourself stuck in a job you hated, working for someone you despised. It was a miserable, repetitive job that brought to your life a void of boredom.

•You craved adrenaline, even if it would get you killed, you finally figured that at least you’d go out with a spark. Putting on a smiling face, you accept a position at McDuck industries thinking that it was going to be another office job. By your luck, (or, later on, unfortunate luck), you managed to score a position that required you to be near Scrooge quite often.

•This gave both of you time to acquaint with eachother and the opportunity for him to see the potential in you as an adventurer instead of just an employee. Scrooge rarely lets people in beyond family, and is quite reserved so he himself questions what he sees in you at first, distrusting you even.

•When you are taken on your first adventure, you nearly boil over with eagerness. There’s a worry at first of the treachery involved but eventually, as you venture on more and more explorations, that fear dulls and you think the adrenaline as far more important than the possible loss of your life.

•Craving adrenaline is the main reason at first as to why you to want to stay around Scrooge. Despite his repeated attempts to brush or push you away, you find yourself excited every time you get to explore and finally get to see a world that you thought you’d never visit.

•Still, Scrooge remains cold and you can’t figure out why beyond the reason that he’s just a pessimistic old capitalist. As much as you want the adrenaline, you kinda can’t help but eventually enjoy his presence as well despite his temper and general grumpiness. Having been alone for over two decades without friends does that to someone. You needed warmth again.

•Maybe you grew attached to all the times you felt you were winning when you snubbed an artifact. Also, after collecting and sneaking a few gold coins into your own pocket, you were finally getting out of debt and on track to actually start your own business involving (F/H). You had the dream that you could travel where you wanted and finally find peace from your own mind and problems.

•Scrooge, despite his own warnings to himself not to persue, can’t help but offer you a job working for him. You made adventuring a million times better and were a great addition to the team, providing your own perspective or plan for the times he and his family would journey out. Oh, and he’d finally get the opportunity to be around you more. It was refreshing to see how optimistic you managed to remain despite your current financial predicament. (Which he contemplated solving.)

•Soon, however, Scrooge began to see that you were not as happy go lucky as you pretended to be, at least not when you weren’t on another treasure hunt. Something appeared to be gnawing at you. Deep down inside, it appeared to plague you and Scrooge began to worry for your well being and as a too curious for his own good duck, he needed to know what was going on. Especially when he had caught you quickly wiping away tears while you began to head home. What could possibly be causing you this pain?

•He had to find out and to his own realization, he had to know now. After all the times you saved and helped him, he wanted to make sure you were at least doing alright in return. He ordered Launchpad to tail you home and Launchpad, oh so very loyal, doesn’t question it much.

•Most yanderes might suffer from the constant delusion that their victims love them back or that they’re in the right but that’s not the case with Scrooge. There are times where he does try to justify himself, but this is mainly due to a fit of rage or to play innocent to you. Most of the time, he knows his actions are wrong and the burning temptation is causing a war. Very early on, he suppresses his curiosity and the growing feelings he has about you. Especially when they begin to boil into something far darker. Although he’s done this to nearly everyone, being cold to you and pushing you away seemed to be his way of trying to ensure your well being instead of his. He was finding it hard not to think about you sometimes.

•Soon enough though, he begins to grow inquisitive about your personal life as you open up to him and define yourself as a person instead of another blur. You were always quite genuine to just sit around and talk to him and despite denying it to himself, Scrooge was lonely, especially after the Spear of Selene. Sometimes you’d joke to him, sometimes you’d think philosophically. Sometimes it was just a mutual, comfortable silence.

•Scrooge might make excuses aloud to you, but doesn’t lie to himself. All the times he’s made you work later or given you an extra dose of paperwork was because he wanted to keep you around and in his line of sight. 12 hours without you was turning into a painful reminder of how isolated he was, even with Beakley around. You were a warmth, a cool, calm warmth.

• “I’ll eventually need to know her address later on in case she’s attacked by one of my adversaries anyways.” Nope, Scrooge wasn’t fooling himself with that sentiment. He knew he was invading your privacy, but he also knew that he was too nosy to care enough.

•The main problem is that although Scrooge knows a lot of what he’s doing isn’t right, he begins to care less and less. (Though this process takes quite a while.) You’re a valuable and positive part of his life, you had stayed when everyone else had abandoned him for his admittedly awful mistakes. He can’t lose another person he treasures. Especially not you. You’re becoming the shiniest yet. Losing you might mean losing himself in some sense.

•Scrooge tries to shake off the guilt but only finds that maybe it’s better to punish himself by feeling it. He’s currently following along your path to wherever your destination currently is.

•Of course, his iconic shiny limousine would be a sore thumb sticking out to both you, the media, and Duckberg in general so he makes sure to either trail far behind or to have another mode of transportation available. Regardless, Scrooge never hires another person to watch you in place.

•Scrooge doesn’t even install cameras. He’d rather experience your life from his own two eyes and not as reported from another bird or screen. He rather liked tracking you himself. It gave him a place to go and at least he’d be able to bask in your duality himself. Sometimes you cried, he found to his own breaking heart. Sometimes you’d smile, (mostly only in his presence, to his delight.)

•Most of all, though, you seem caught in the present of life. Distracted, even. It seems though, that sometimes you’re so distracted that you don’t even notice something is off. Or maybe you yourself are too unable to break the cycle of adrenaline adventure to see it. Maybe you yourself were actively creating excuses, at least at first as to why you sometimes ran into Scrooge McDuck everywhere.

•If there’s something else Scrooge is a master at other than money, it’s with keeping up the detached and reserved persona of a wealthy individual. After all, who would suspect him of such crimes like these? He’s just a selfish, greedy businessman that only cares about his wealth, right? He’d never bother with other birds unless he was shaking hands at a conference table.

•Wrong. As you and him grow to become more like mentor and student, Scrooge begins to insert himself everywhere he possible can in your life, especially after seeing the shitfest that was your social group, what little of it there was. Apparently, you’d finally made a few friends over the years working for him and there was only one out of all of them that Scrooge approved of.

•Two of them, both identical Peacock twins appeared to be fascinated with your link to him and nothing more. It made some sense. After all, who could say they were a close worker to the richest duck in the world? The other one, a tall and lanky chicken, was getting far too handsy with you, and the final, a feline male was nothing but gossip and drama.

•To add to insult, you were a pretty big pushover outside of work which meant that they would drag you to places you didn’t even want to go and pressure you to have drinks you didn’t want to taste. They were in love with the mask you put up, not the complex and amazing face behind it. The one that you were beginning to let Scrooge see.

• Scrooge watches from a distance as your laugh reverberates. The laugh appears to Scrooge as unwavered and solid, mechanical in nature like it was a reoccurring script. Gazing at your face, he could see that your smile was strained, beak scrunched. You just wanted to go home and nothing more.

•The chicken next to you he was sucking a cigarette and the smoke blew in your direction, replacing your laugh with coughing and the others cackled with drunk glee, their solo cups tipping as they did. You blew it off as an accidental push in the wind which, by the way, wasn’t even blowing.

•Out of all of them, Scrooge hated the lanky chicken, who’s name he learned was Gale, the most. You deserved far better than that. Surely you saw through his sleazy act, right? Why were you hanging around such a ratched group of birds? Just how blind were you to their usage of you?

•Almost without even realizing it himself, Scrooge had tailed you the entire way home. After having to torment himself with an hour of seeing you torment yourself, he figured that maybe you’d find something that made you happy other thanyour little flock of “friends.”

•So he was admitting to being a stalker to himself. Did that mean he’d be able to admit it to oblivious ol’ you? Well, no. At least, not for now. Not until you trust him completely. Oh well, he’ll never go further than then that, right? He was watching you, but not engaging in any way. Nothing worse could come out of it..

•Wrong.

•After a while of having you working under him at McDuck Industries, Scrooge began to realize just how much financial control he had over you. Not only did you depend on him cod for paycheck, your landlord worked for someone who worked for him. In other words, the spot of land you were living on was an apartment company that belonged to him. You were living under one of his roofs. All he’d have to do was shift some circumstances and you’d either be homeless or debt free forever. Scrooge of course, plays the benevolent route and lowers it significantly for you. Why antagonize you?

•After having taken that action, Scrooge noticed more and more of a smile on your face as you realized that you didn’t have to depend paycheck to paycheck for food on the table. He had also been aware that you had a side hobby now, involving (F/H.) sometimes you joked you’d start a business and go off parting ways with that hobby. It was source of entertainment to watch you be..Well, you. There was this genuine behavior about you that just drew him in.

•If Scrooge wasn’t adventuring with you or at a meeting also with you, he was still with you. You just didn’t know it yet. Interestingly however, you’d begun to pick up the signs that there was a presence in your life. Whereas you didn’t close the blinds before, you did now. Or maybe that was from all the adventures you’d nearly died on fighting others off. Maybe it was paranoia.

•Eventually, Scrooge managed to break into your apartment under the guise to Launchpad that he’d been invited by you. A ludicrous lie, of course, but Launchpad is gullible to a fault when it comes to Scrooge. He’s loyal like that, and his friendliness to you plays into Scrooge’s emotional manipulation later on.

•As Scrooge sneaks in while you’re still home, he makes his way behind the kitchen counter which seperated your living room. He didn’t expect you to be right there in the living room, but you were, just five feet away from him and the window he snuck in. The window was to your right. He had carefully parted the curtains. Your couch was sitting approximately five feet from the window balcony, facing a corner of the wall with the T.V off.

•Peculiarly, you hadn’t even noticed he’d entered by rigging the door. You were right there, not staring at his direction, but he should have at least appeared in your peripheral. Just what were you doing to be so disconnected to the reality around you? It was worrying.

•Now hidden behind the counter directly to the left of you, he observes your desensitized form. For a moment, Scrooge thought you were a corpse until he peered closer. You were still there, physically. Mentally you looked as if you were in a whole other dimension. In a rather bold move, Scrooge slowly stands up and positions himself in the archway, watching you from his spot.

•You were still, so very still unlike all the times you’d fidget at work or with those “friends.” You still breathed and your hands shook slightly and there was color to your eyes but you yourself didn’t even seem present whatsoever. Your eyes were glazed and far away. It was just your body sitting there in that couch. It was worrisome and yet there was a blissful smile to your face seconds later.

•It was you, daydreaming about something. Something you obviously enjoyed. Scrooge, to his own shame, hoped it involved him. For a few more moments, all you did was sigh like you were meditating. It was haunting how easily you had lost yourself within the confines of your tumbling mind. Somehow, you were blocking out the world beyond, maladaptively.

• Scrooge knew he was taking a huge risk. All you’d have to do to spot him now was swivel your head a few inches or wake up from dreamland. It would take a few inches to ruin what you thought of him.

Just then, to Scrooge’s horror, you had slowly picked yourself off the couch. Your body shuttered as your head snapped up. He knew he was taking a huge risk with this and began to think that maybe it was a terrible idea after all. (Who was he kidding, it was terrible in the first place, he knew what he was doing.)

•He quickly fell back to his crouched position behind the counter, silently and expertly as you turned around and made your way closer and closer. There was a tense moment in which Scrooge contemplated just knocking you down completely and rendering you unconscious. All it would take was a few seconds. Maybe you’d forget or maybe he’d give you the dreamland you seemed so desperate to reach. It would certainly give him peace of mind to know where you are 24/7..All he’d have to do is knock you out and take you to the manor. You’d be secure and have everything you need there…

•Your presence was setting him alight, in the good way and bad way. He loved being near you. But hated the idea of you getting any closer right now, because you getting any closer would ruin your trust in him entirely. A few more steps is all there was between the idol you saw Scrooge as and the monster he was growing to be. You were like a fire. The heat scorched his feathers. Then, when you were away, his thoughts.

•Your steps were louder than they’d ever been. Then, to Scrooge’s unbelievable luck, you turned towards the hallway away from the kitchen. Scrooge knew not to push his luck trying to follow or stay, so despite his clawing urge to figure you out, he hesitantly snuck out with unanswered questions on your concerning mental state.

•It had been a months since that incident and Scrooge was moving onto bigger and bolder actions. Sometimes he’d swipe you away from any conversations you had with your friends by calling you in for a task. Sometimes he’d eat up all your time by keeping you in late, and taking you to places far away that required days of travel.

•Sometimes he’d drive bad influences away by financially ruining their life forever.

You noticed Gale’s downfall quickly, but you didn’t have any idea it was Scrooge who was responsible. Gale lived actually, three complexes from you and oh so suddenly, rent had begun to skyrocket in the particular room he had to himself. This led to him being presented with an eviction notice. You didn’t even have the chance to say goodbye. (Not that you wanted to, though.) deep down you were glad he was gone and Scrooge knew it. Gale had to move far off to find an affordable spot. It was a mercy considering how often Scrooge had dreamed of just throwing him into the ocean tied up for the sharks to find. He was a toxic influence.

•Maybe if someone pushed his button just right, Scrooge would end up killing them, and who would care? There were seven billion fellow people on the planet. Scrooge could just get rid of any threat he wanted and no one would notice or ever suspect it was him. After all, he’s just a grumpy old man with a cane.

•It turns out, Scrooge had picked up on your plans to possibly quit your job. He had never felt his heart sink like it did now. He was fighting off his initial shock as you stood in his office, masking it with a detached face. You hadn’t even confirmed the statement. All you’d said was that maybe you’d found a company within your favorite hobby.

•It was just a small implication. But, Implications could become statements, which could turn into actions, and Scrooge couldn’t let the thought even be a presence in your mind.

•You had stayed with him throughout the years of his loneliest moments, had confessed secrets, had confided in him. You were like his pupil, learning from him and you were like his partner, fighting alongside him. Maybe you were something different altogether.

•...Was it a friend that convinced you? It had to be. Scrooge knew how much you enjoyed galavanting around the world with him. There’s no way you’d just fly off without him.-

“I promise I’ll still occasionally go with you, Scrooge. (A first name basis. This was devolving from anything normal.) I found my passion. We can still adventure together, but I found a path that also makes me happy and doesn’t ya know, get me killed.” You chuckle as if it were nothing. A light joke.

•So you were leaving. You were going to go. Why? You had a great paycheck, (an expensive one that took a lot of money,) you had the opportunity to travel the world. You had the best job you’d ever get. Who else was going to be as good as him? He won’t let you destroy your future by applying for a Mediocre position at some dumptruck company.

•As it turns out, the bird responsible for swaying you was none other than one of the peacocks, her name was Shelby. She and you laughed, and for the first time, your laugh was genuine. Genuine with her and not with Scrooge. You both shared each other’s stories, and she in return had encouraged your little dangerous fantasy of being independent.

•Now of course Scrooge realized how ridiculous this all sounded. He had willingly allowed you to go on perilous adventures with him, but at least then, you were with him. How could he keep an easy eye on you if you just moved off to some rando spot? Plus, he was plenty good as saving you. He was your hero.

•Bad influences needed to go away.

•Scrooge might lie to himself about how much it digs under his feathers, but to see you around other people really dug wrong. He itched every time you decided to take advice from other people, or confide in them instead of him. He was the one you could go to, not them. Your secrets didn’t need to be shared with anyone else but Scrooge. All those rare and precious things that made you yourself didn’t need to be snatched by thieves like Shelby or Gale or whoever else.

•He knew that his criminal actions would scare you. Even with your growing trust and dependence on him, he knew it was too early for you to want to stay with him if you knew what he’s been doing. If he wanted your presence, he’d keep it through lengths you’d find terrifying.

•Scrooge found your biggest flaw was that you always attracted the wrong crowd, and it was primarily because you were always trying to impress others when they really didn’t deserve the magnificent canvas you painted yourself to be. To his even greater detriment, you were beginning to spend your time more and more with Shelby. The canvas you painted was beautiful, as always. But it wasn’t for him, and he found that he was not happy with this new development.

•Don’t you know people take advantage of kindness? It happened to him all the time and still does. It happened to you over and over and yet you kept venturing forth giving out your trust like it was nothing. The world is a sour place if you’re not careful. Cursed kilts, you were already naive about Gale. Who knows how badly future people would hurt you, even if they were well intentioned.

Scrooge could tell that, despite him insisting otherwise, you thought leaning on his shoulder was burdening him. He wanted to make sure you knew it was anything but that. As a matter of fact, he wanted you to lean on his shoulder every moment he possibly could get you to. What was just you occasionally asking for advice on impersonal things becomes entire sessions with Scrooge encouraging you to reveal every personal detail of your life.

•You had revealed that many times, you just wanted independence. A company of your own to possibly build so you could pursue life your own way. Scrooge knew these dangerous thoughts were one of the final roadblocks. Scrooge had to prevent them. Be it through roughening you up financially or discouraging you. Be it from murdering outside influences, too. Who was going to miss the miserable miscreants that plagued your life anyways?

•It is three days before the date you had decided that you would resign. Instead of being merry, you were miserable. The opportunity you had to get the job was burned by them not even calling you for an interview. After your resume, why would they reject you? You had the word of one of the finest businessmen out there to back you up. Scrooge himself promised to put in a good word for you! You were perfectly qualified for the job you were looking for. In your days of being rejected from the position you wanted, you confide in Scrooge. You don’t know it but as he pats your shoulder, he’s thinking of the next way to sabotage your efforts of leaving him.

•Shelby ends up going missing. She was one of your closest friends and the only one who finally treated you well. Your devastation causes a major setback in any ambitious plans as you isolate yourself from anyone else but only the closest person left in your life; Scrooge.

•Currently, you were enveloped in a warm hug, the side of your face leaning in the crook of Scrooge’s neck as he calmed your crying form down, patting your back and promising you his presence would remain forever. You wept at Shelby’s funeral, so did her twin sister and their parents, who, upon seeing Scrooge, had nearly fainted in shock.

•Despite your tumultuous relationship with Shelby, she had actually begun to redeem much of her previously antagonistic actions towards you. She was in a rough place when you had developed a connection with her. So you wept in your boss’s, or rather, your best confidantes arms. You wept.

Scrooge, however, did not.

#yandere #obsession #yandere ducktales #scrooge mcduck #headcanons #yandere x reader #reader insert #platonic or romantic #ducktales #cartoon #yandere Scrooge McDuck #minors do not interact #murder #this is weird I know #dt 2017 #ducktales 2017

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tenthgrove · 3 years

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Yandere MBTI P2: In-Depth Explanations

This is a follow-up to my previous post, for those who are interested in wanting to know the in-depth features of each type. You'll want to read part 1 first to avoid confusion.

Reminder of the Lettering system: C = Covert, O = Overt, D = Distanced, S = Smothering, R = Relaxed, W = Wary, P = Prepared, I = Impulsive

CDRP: Probably the most introverted type, CDRP yanderes tend to be very strong planners who appreciate the fucked up nature of their love and allow for the various reactions you may have. Their relaxed quality typically comes from guilt, which is also what drives them to behave distantly, while the covert quality may be less strong than other Cxxx types as they cannot bring themselves to lie entirely about their intentions. They want you to love them in your own time.

Example- Risotto Nero.

CDWP: The shrewdest yandere type, CDWPs are incredibly intelligent with a tendency to manipulate and a resistance against manipulation. Through great planning, they convince you to stay by their side through imaginary threats, but are careful enough not to blow it by showing inappropriate amounts of affection or too much trust before either is warranted. A very hard yandere to get away from, if you even want to.

Example- Lisa Lisa

CSWP: If you like being scared just a little, this is the yandere for you. Realistic thinkers who know you will likely despise them at first no matter what they do, they do not push for your love too early, but take up your time all the same. They don’t waste their time waxing poetic about their love for you, at least not yet. You’re clearly not listening as you look around in terror, anyway.

Example- Sorbet

CSRP: The most common of all the covert types, CSRPs are confidant in the strength of their lies to the point they have little worry for anything else. They are happy to treat you as any normal lover would and give you freedom to do as you wish, because you’re so tightly wrapped around their finger they don’t need to lock you up.

Example- Bruno Bucciarati

CDRI: This is perhaps the rarest yandere due to the conflict between the CD and RI types, but it is possible. Such yanderes are typically non-violent, eccentric individuals who appreciate their darling’s presence for the sake of it rather than needing constant affection. They may kidnap a darling on impulse, lie about why they did it, and hope their good treatment and high level of freedom will be enough to prevent a run away.

Example- Rohan Kishibe

CDWI: Somewhat of a classic, CDWIs are often outcast types who fall in love at first sight and know they need to have their darling any way possible. Since they keep their distance and are likely have other security measures in place due to wariness, they likely have a somewhat weak covert aspect, but will still be vague about their intentions.

Example- Jotaro Kujo

CSWI: They had a plan. It didn’t work. CSWIs are daydreamers. They may have elaborate fantasies about how to obtain their darling that are just plain hopeless, bringing on an intense paranoia and need to lie about their intentions when push comes to shove. Often highly insecure, they dote on their darling almost as a means of apology.

Example- Illuso

CSRI: Another highly passive type, CSRIs are often gentle individuals who don’t want to see their darling sad at any cost, so will resort to lies rather than force to get you in their grasp. Less planned than their CSRP counterparts, you’ll find a lot of people you might describe as ‘pure of heart, dumb of ass’ in this category. Arguably one of the least yandere yandere types in the system.

Example- Josuke Higashikata

ODRP: Rational individuals who appreciate the same quality in their lover. These yanderes are often negotiators, who make their motivations clear from the get-go and promise no harm in exchange for a certain level of relationship. Trusting you to hold to your word, they see no reason to force affection or restrict your liberty. Everyone’s happy.

Example- Tiziano

ODWP: A highly thoughtful group, ODWPs are somewhat pessimists, but hold dear affections for their darling and see you as deserving of the truth. They give you your space but are weary should you fall for them too soon, seeing it as suspicious. Rest assured, they do not expect you to live in awkwardness forever, and have great plans for a happy, blissful life once you are safe in the knowledge you love each other.

Example- Leone Abbacchio, Prosciutto

OSWP: One word. Unhinged. Some of the most… ahem, ‘fun’ yanderes, OSWPs want you to know exactly how bad they are down for you, and will remind you of it constantly. Expect incessant pestering, and a 2 year schedule for all the fun stuff they want to do with you as a couple. And don’t bother trying to escape either. Even if you do make it past all the security, they check on you twice hourly even in your sleep.

Example- Cioccolata, Gelato

OSRP: Perhaps this group’s most… unique… feature is that a lot of OSRPs seem to have little comprehension of the extremity of their actions. That’s mostly a combination of the overtness, the relaxedness and the preparedness, but the smothering really goes to show how little they find their obsessions strange for you. Hey, at least they’re all very chill. To be honest they actually make for some good company.

Example- Melone

ODRI: Arriving at the last row of the table, the OxxI types, we have the yanderes who are quite frankly figuring out what they’re doing at the same rate as you are. ODRIs are perhaps the most chill out of everyone, letting you spend vast quantities of your time completely unsupervised. Often, they’ll just give you one quick scare at the beginning to stop you running, then release you to do your own thing as long as you meet up every so often.

Example- Squalo, Guido Mista

ODWI: A complete contrast to the previous type, ODWIs are yanderes driven by fear of losing you, juxtaposed against a crushing guilt for their actions. Many ODWIs will genuinely believe you are in danger, causing them to abduct you on a whim out of paranoia. Most of your interaction early on is them just checking on you, since they’re too guilty for a proper interaction. On the plus side, they’re often very manipulatable.

Example- Ghiaccio, Vinegar Doppio

OSWI: Another type that honestly had no intention of going yandere but felt like they had no other choice for one reason or another. Real sweethearts, they feel like resorting to extremes is the only way they can get to be with you, but feel bad and try to make for it via their affections. OSWIs and ODWIs are very similar, the main difference being whether they see affection as an encouragement or hindrance to your love. It’s for this reason OSWIs tend to be the most delusional of yanderes.

Example- Pesci

OSRIs: These people would worship the ground you walk on. Always up to negotiate your treatment in exchange for a sweet smile, OSRIs dream of a happy future serving you. You just need a bit of encouragement to see how badly they love you first, of course. As you can probably guess, they are quite a naive bunch, and usually quite easy to manipulate. Though then again, they treat you so well, do you really want to leave?

Example- Formaggio, Secco

#yandere cw

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ksalientian · 3 years

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25. [orv] joongdok

'yjh is a dakimakura'. text version of my twitter post.

I have a weird question, Dokja wrote, on his Twitter account that had eleven followers (two of which were bots). Do you think ghosts exist?

No one replied to him, of course, because Dokja's online acquaintances weren't interested in things other than the popular webnovels, but he hadn't expected it anyway. He wasn't even sure if he was imagining things. It was only— well, it really might have been his paranoia. Dokja looked around, made eye contact with the thing lying innocently on his bed, flushed, and looked away again. No, Dokja didn't think he was being paranoid.

He opened up a Q&A forum to ask the same question, hesitating when he was prompted to add more detail. I made a body pillow, he typed, slowly. I commissioned the art and only made one of it so I'm the only one who has one, it's not from a maker. He didn't add that it was a picture of a man on the cover, nor that it was a fictional man whom he sometimes felt like he'd been in love with for half his life. Long story short, it feels like it's watching me.

Supernatural questions were fairly popular on this forum, and before long the answers were filled up with people heckling him for being dirty and asking if he liked 'that sort of thing'. He scrolled past these answers with mild embarrassment.

"Joonghyuk-ah, you're making people think I'm a pervert," he said, absently.

Then he closed his eyes and heaved a sigh. He'd meant to stop talking to the pillow, but he just couldn't seem to break the habit. Dokja had always talked to himself like he was talking to Yoo Joonghyuk before, and the addition of a life-size pillow with an almost-perfect recreation (because nothing really lived up to the Yoo Joonghyuk in his imagination) had just made this habit exponentially worse.

To be fair, it wasn't that the pillow responded to his talking. In fact, the pillow didn't respond to anything he did.

Honestly, Dokja thought, turning to look at the pillow again. What has it really done? Nothing, that's what. It was just Dokja inexplicably sensing the constant weight of someone's regard, feeling like the pillow's eyes were watching his every move. He glanced back at his phone and saw that the answers on the forum were heading in an irrevocably age-restricted direction, sighed again, and decided to just give up. If his pillow was haunted, just let it be haunted. What could a pillow do to him, anyway.

——

Joonghyuk hadn't meant to do it.

Really, he hadn't.

He had been doing so well in all his world-jumps, avoiding even the thought of looking for traces of Kim Dokja. Down that path lay no good things whether for him or Biyoo. He stayed just long enough to make sure the story was being published, then he left, nice and simple.

Until… this.

Being a pillow was very stressful. He couldn't speak or move or do anything, really, for fear that Dokja would notice him and the situation would spiral out of control. The fact that Biyoo was somewhere else fixing the Ark made it even worse— he had nothing to fill his time when Dokja was away, because even if he did move, his movements were limited to that of a pillow. He couldn't open the door, or the window, and in any case leaving meant someone might see him, which was what he had to avoid in the first place.

Joonghyuk cursed whatever metaphysical whim that had decided to allow a Ways of Survival clone in this world, and then cursed the Kim Dokja in this world along with it. He was, somehow, certain that it was all because of Dokja's ridiculous custom body pillow. The picture on the thing didn't even look like him; it was far too clean and unmarred. And less good-looking, not that Joonghyuk cared about that sort of thing.

Having cursed his fill, Joonghyuk returned grouchily to his only pastime, which was observing Kim Dokja.

This Kim Dokja was different from the one that was his companion. Younger, of course, still a kid fresh out of high school who hadn't even been to the military yet. But he was also a little less… hardened. Less hurt. Joonghyuk remembered the days he'd been here, how Dokja relaxed and smiled when he thought he was alone and felt like his own Dokja wouldn't be like this even if he was nineteen too. His Dokja must have been a shifty bastard since he was in the cradle.

If he started categorising all the ways they were different, there would be no end to it. Sometimes Joonghyuk thought he might have built up the Kim Dokja in his head so much that when (if) Kim Dokja actually came back, he would be disappointed.

Just then, this world's Kim Dokja laughed at something on his phone.

Joonghyuk watched the way his whole face softened, how he leaned back in his chair and opened his mouth wide and didn't put his hand over it like he was embarrassed. Watched a little less calmly as Dokja eeled off the chair and came to flop on the bed right next to him.

"Joonghyuk-ah," said Dokja, face a little flushed and eyes shining. It was depressingly attractive. "You're so cute!"

Dokja began to tell Joonghyuk about the antics of fake-Joonghyuk in this world's Ways of Survival. Fake-Joonghyuk had apparently jumped in a lake and fished out all the marine life in it because Mia had wanted to eat fish, which— Joonghyuk wasn't going to say he hadn't done that before, but it hadn't been fun and it most certainly hadn't been cute. But he listened to Dokja's spirited retelling anyway, because what else could he do?

Soon, Dokja's bright voice faded away. "It would be nice if I was that brave," Dokja said, softly enough that Joonghyuk almost missed it. He didn't hug Joonghyuk, but he put his back against Joonghyuk's pillow form and leaned against him.

You are so brave, Joonghyuk wanted to say. You are brave enough that you still want to live, despite everything, despite the universe.

But that wasn't this Kim Dokja. Joonghyuk's Dokja was still scattered, waiting for Joonghyuk to bring him home. This Dokja was not yet in such dire straits.

You can be brave, Joonghyuk thought instead.

Very carefully, he curved the pillow that was his body closer to Dokja's. Dokja stiffened. Joonghyuk pressed himself against Dokja's back anyway, suddenly glad that he was a pillow in this world (there was no way he could do this as a human). He knew Dokja had some suspicions about him. But if it meant a kid could take some comfort from it, he was alright with being discovered. Biyoo would fix it. Probably.

"Are you… a ghost?" Dokja asked, in a trembling little voice.

Joonghyuk couldn't answer.

The room was quiet for a long time, and then Dokja hesitantly reached a hand behind him to touch the pillow. Joonghyuk noted that his fingers rested coincidentally on fake-Joonghyuk's chest.

"Thank you," whispered Dokja, and said no more.

#omniscient reader's viewpoint #kim dokja #yoo joonghyuk #from my twitter #fanfic

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