#I could go on but it is 6 in the morning

[mezmer]

I just realized here in the early morning hours that in a straight couple, you are indubitably getting some kind of power struggle where both the man and the woman assume, maybe even subconsciously, that they’re respectively going to be the winners. You could say This is probably why 99% of non-marriage relationships end and 50% of all marriages end in straight folk. It isn’t that most couples HaTe EaCh OtHeR, it is that they have some competition going on in their minds that there exists no rules to.

#I could go on but it is 6 in the morning #in me and hims case #I am paranoid he wants me to forget things so he can paint himself an image of being my compassionate helper #somebody who makes a sacrifice for their lover to help them #as if that isn’t the norm and I’m not completely inept or disabled anyways #in my case I am competing with him in what I believe is a fight to be more genuine somehow I feel he is a liar because I can’t possibly be #in love with somebody who does some of the things he does #all of it is evil and if I said all of this to him he would stare at me #like I have lobsters crawling out of my ears #it’s too late comma we have a child comma and we must microdose psilocybin to find our common ground and fuck on it

[belligerentbagel]

even Atlas has only two hands

vent art

#this one's for all the teachers out there #horror cw #hands cw #draws #after 2.5 years of caution and masking everywhere; i tested positive for covid on wednesday morning (first day of fall semester) 😔 #at earliest; i can be back in the classroom on monday #wednesday itself was an absolutely horrible 24 hours (but admittedly the anatomist side of me has been going 'ah! physiological data!') #but thursday and friday were a grim indicator of how much capitalism has rotted my brain #because after getting through 24 hours of a MASSIVE illness with undetermined long-term effects; i felt compelled to return to the #6-hr-sleep 18-hr-waking cycle that i was accustomed to; out of GUILT for falling behind in work #(note: i was NOWHERE near 100% back on thursday. i could have charitably been put at 50% - still headaches & fatigue & productive coughs) #a friend had to very sternly tell me 'you cannot solve structural problems through constant 80-hour-week heroic measures' #'you especially cannot do this when you are recovering from a debilitating illness which has the potential to remain a - #- serious lingering problem if you overwork yourself' #like. gods. yeah. it's not my fault that my classrooms are stuffed to the student maximum that our union has valiantly maintained #it's not my fault that the district only gave us one pre-semester prep day; meaning that my room & plans were left unfinished before day one #and - even bigger; it's not my fault that public health in the US is careening into 'can we pretend hard enough like nothing's happening' #my students will have a milquetoast start this fall semester. that is fine. #their teacher might not be able to stand and talk for longer than ten minutes at a time #i will do what i can. i still care about them. i am reading their introduction emails and smiling a bunch. #but i refuse to allow myself to be consumed in order to keep this fire lit.

[nerdnag]

the fact that i become extremely low-energy in the afternoons and can barely keep my focus up on work surely doesn't have to do with the fact that I've been getting like 5 hours of sleep every night. nope no way, couldn't be that

#who could have known that when you start getting up one hour earlier in the morning you also have to go to bed earlier? #and that you might already need to start going to bed earlier anyway...? #seriously when will i LEARN!!!!!!!!!!! #i'm having a friend over tonight... it will probably be late... how am i supposed to survive...... #....maybe i'll go home earlier and sleep for an hour or so #though i also have to hand in an assignment sometime today which I would like to polish just a bit more #but my friend arrives at 6 and if i know us we will probably lose track of time until its like. midnight. #at which point the assignment would be late #sooooo.... how does this all fit together. #nagnerd

[lyrebirdswrites]

The evil demon in my head says I’m a terrible horrible no good very bad writer and I MUST NOT let it win. Even if this wip is not knocking anybody’s socks off right now I have to trust it will become good eventually!!! Just keep swimming!! Just keep swimming!!

#writing feels like mud wrestling a crocodile sometimes #chapter 6 is simply not horrifying enough and megumi is too passive UGH #I don’t think it’s a bad chapter per se but it bores me 💀 and it feels aimless #is it only boring bc I’ve read it a million times or would a reader also be bored? #I’m trying to just let it be bad so that I can go back and fix it in the next draft but it’s soooo hard to not be a perfectionist #I know it will come together eventually #nine times out of ten that’s what happens #I just wish knowing what the next right thing is could be a quicker and easier process #anyway. boo hoo I’m an inefficient writer break out the tiny violins #I’ll wake up tomorrow and write some more before we go out for Mother’s Day morning tea #maybe then I will have a breakthrough #or maybe I will keep slowly plodding on day after day bit by bit until I’m close to satisfied #happy Australian Mother’s Day to all your mums btw! #lyrebirds speaks

[jess-abides]

Happy Monday

I’m 🙂 grateful 🙂 all 🙂 the 🙂 fucking 🙂 time 🙂

#me #tbh I like the vibe of this album but I feel like I’m too old for it lol #this song is growing on me tho honestly might make it onto the menty b playlist #aaanyway was at the gym at 6:15 this morning and I’m exhausted #didn’t go to bed early enough for that shit #but I got my lifts done and finished w 1200 stairs by 7:30 so I feel pretty accomplished 😌 #started a new program month w my trainer today - phase 5 bitches #who would have thought #he also asked me for my weight/inches lost so he could brag abt me to his other clients 🥹🥹🥹 #he’s so proud and it was validating at just the right time #bc ur girl is tired and my brain is fighting me a bit #but I’m not fking stopping #wow talk about a tag rant lmao ily if you read all these #Spotify

[screaming-for-eternally]

Another Cayde AU I cooked in the Content Box with @luna-light-eclipse

Hive Zombie Cayde AU

Basically Cayde gets hit with a Hive curse that doesn’t seem to do anything. He goes on with his life, flash coward a couple years. Cayde is dead, they’re having the funeral.

And then he gets up. And people start freaking the fuck out for a bit. Cayde himself included.

Physically he looks like a damn mess. While he’s tried to get some repairs in, his face still looks all scuffed to hell, he still has the wound that killed him, his limbs keep falling off on occasions, especially when they’re in disrepair, and sometimes his eyes will go out. The only ‘upside’ is that he effcitevly can’t die, so he can be in pieces and still be put back together.

Mentally, he’s also a damn mess. Thanks to some slight brain damage and deterioration from being dead, he has trouble remembering things or getting his thoughts together-not as bad as what Banshee has to go through (though Cayde definitely appreciates the advice on how to deal with memory issues) it’s likely bad enough that he gets taken off strike duty, at least until he gets better. Not to mention Cayde’s usual self loathing is gonna be worse-feeling like a freak, feeling useless, thinking his friends think of him as an abomination that needs to be put out of its misery. All that fun stuff.

As for Eris. Well she ends up putting some spells on him in case Cayde suddenly goes evil or gets taken over by the Hive. Him and Eris actually get along somewhat better, owing to them both getting screwed by the Hive.

In combat, Cayde is just…absolutely feral. Grows claws and literally tears through enemies like tissue paper. Has chomped down on enough bad guys that he has bits of guts stuck in his mouth. He tends to black out for a lack of a better term, coming to having just wiped out a whole group of enemies. It’s not uncommon for Cayde to return from a mission covered in gore. Eventually the Vanguard bans him combat baring emergencies, since he keeps traumatizing the Guardians he’s sent along with

And finally there’s ‘Osiris’. Hoh boy. His memory tends to blank out more around him, and people keep saying he’s been talking to him when he doesn’t remember. Meanwhile, Savathun is taking great pleasure in extracting every iota of information she can from Cayde-who, by virtue of being Hunter Vanguard, knows a lot.

#destiny 2 #destiny #cayde 6 #savathun #eris morn #au #destiny AU #I could go on and on

[fleshmaid]

I've been stuck in post op waiting hell with my dad. I want to go home man.

#ive had no sleep. ive offically stayed up 12+ hours #i feel like i could go into a coma right now. thankfully im not driving back #a fucking 8 hour shift and then not being able to sleep #due to having to get up at 4 for surgery at 6 in the damn morning

[kenzan-kiwami]

(screenshotting the replies and posting because i feel weird replying from my main <\3 hope you don't mind the ping @startledpixel )

i never even thought about it happening that way... haha... excuse me while i go scream in a corner for a couple of minutes

it ties in really well to the sort of recurring motif i see through his life that the only time he's allowed to be truly happy with himself and his place in the world is after his "death" and recovery. kazama is a very complicated character to think about when it comes to his motivations and his relationships with the people he's close with - i don't think he's very good at prioritising his emotional investments (nishiki being the obvious example, but also the way he doesn't send any letters to kiryu in jail until the last day before his parole), so to add an extra layer of tragedy to the whole thing i like to think that he hadn't been making as much time for kashiwagi towards the end than he maybe could have been. not in a premeditated disloyalty sense, of course, but he's got his hands more than full with the whole embezzling 10 billion yen from the tojo coffers gambit... kashiwagi being the way he is though would be all the more desperate for reconciliation, and to then not get it before kazama kicks it would be the icing on the shit cake

but yeah KNOWING adachi was in the building with everyone else must have been like reliving his second-worst nightmare... meeting this man he thought he'd be able to settle down with for the first time in sixty odd years but still constantly having to worry after him. i still adore no idling as an exploration of those feelings after the fact & i find myself coming back to it an awful lot as someone who doesn't generally read fiction more than once or twice unless i'm trying to find something specific (if you may allow me my nerd moment)

it's something i would love to explore more myself, but i don't really feel i have the means to do it in a way in which i'd enjoy the end product... but i suppose that's what commissions are for!

ANYWAY, apparently, everyone kiryu meets in his side story gives him some kind of reward, and i'm having A Time thinking about what he might get from kashiwagi. i'm trying not to set myself up to be disappointed by what happens, but there's a big part of me that hopes kashiwagi pulls "suzuki" to the side and leaves whoever else on the bar for a while so they get a chance to actually catch up. i think at this point both of them really need something like that, because i doubt there's any way kashiwagi didn't get the news that kiryu "died" in 2016

the other big thing that's got me physically shaking is the idea they might finally namedrop him. and uuhhh if they still let us karaoke at survive then i hope judgement gets its own cinematic. : )

#kashiwagi osamu #text #meta #malware #i absolutely need to go and leave a comment on all of your fic because (along with milktrician's) #they're a HUGE part of what kept me interested enough in playing through to 7 and beyond #i'll tell you now yakuza 6 was probably the most difficult time i've had actually finishing a video game ever #sorry if any of this comes across weirdly i feel like i've been noticed by the gods themselves #i opened my notes this morning after i got to work and i'm so glad my boss wasn't in the room because #i could NOT have kept it together in front of her #LIKE normally i'm good at keeping myself composed but this was just... shock and awe. the highest honour i could receive #but i suppose it's not like many people ever talk about minor rgg characters in this much depth #which has been a hangup of mine for a while so i'm glad my stuff is reaching the right audience! #1 spoilers #3 spoilers #7 spoilers

[love-songs-for-emma]

they say that "time heals all wounds" but i honestly think that upping my anti-depressants has done more for me

#.jokes #hashtag comedy #ok but actually. upping my dosage has rocked my world this last week #i hope this continues!!!!!!! #today is The Day im Feeling It #still a very tired busy guy but at least im not explodingexplodingexploding #also on a serious note. time just passes. it passes no matter what. time is not a remedy to trauma #time will go on but you may get stuck on loop. therapy. unpacking what happened to you. finding coping mechanisms that #work for you. medication maybe. these r things that help #the pain still exists. and it can be just as strong depending on the trauma. but hopefully the time between incidents/episodes lessens #fill the space where u feel capable and free with love laughter joy. fill it with little tasks that set you up to have a better time when #things r feeling bad again #sometimes ill do smth as small as writing out a phone number i need to call in the morning Just to cut out the step of googling it in the #morning. bc in the morning The Phone Call may seem monumental and impossible. but a lil bit less so if everything i need ( #the number & what i wanna say) are written out before me #also also. last thing. the beginning of this is to be read exactly how the person in ''it could take 5 or 6 stores or just 1'' says it #thank u. #.txt #maria is literally just rambling. hi #personal #yes this ok to reblog. its meant to make u snort #mental health #/pos #silly hour!

[scarletcomet]

insurance please don't take 8 weeks to pre-authorize esketamine treatment

#spoke to a psychiatrist this morning that agreed that the intranasal ketamine treatment is the best option for me #he said it could take insurance 2 weeks but sometimes 6-8 weeks to pre authorize it #if i want to return to school in the fall then i need to start soon and respond well to the treatment #so im trying to accept that going back in the fall might not be too realistic #at this point im trying to care less about school and just focus on getting better because i cannot live like this much longer #he told me that the ketamine works for like 80% of people according to the latest studies #if ketamine doesn't work i guess i try ect and then suicide if it doesn't work???? #i really want to start the ketamine asap because i am so miserable

[youremyonlyhope]

why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up

#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director #and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production #and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out #but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again #i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately #so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me #i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me #i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added #and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad #anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much. #but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great #but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else #but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing #and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us #and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing #and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more #especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this. #and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not. #and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING #and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine. #but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad. #because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented #if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that. #but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent. #and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt #i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried. #and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over. #i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help #and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh #brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.

[allpromarlo]

no thoughts head empty just funny lil british men from video game

#just yesterday i asked myself wtf i'll do once football and basketball season is over #and this morning i woke up with the intense need to look at characters from a game i played when i was 13 #the remaster version ofc #dead 6 in the morning like 'I HAVE TO LOOK AT ART OF THE WEE LAD AND THE MASKED LAD' #they're both little but whatever #ghost may be built like a fridge and could absolutely take me out without even trying but consider. he's 5 inches shorter than me #and gaz is just babygirl shaped but i already said that #he fits my friend's definition of adorable and idk if that's a good sign #i'm not gonna say her definition here bc it would make both of us sound like we need to be admitted into a mental hospital but yeah #things been going great #call of duty #cod mwii #kyle gaz garrick #simon ghost riley #a second cod blorbo has hit the brain

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[astragatwo]

BTW, if you've ever said anything nice to me or left a comment on my art in any manner — whether in tags or in an ask — that I remember, and it's one of few things keeping me somewhat sane and not a dumpster fire of emotions right now. Genuinely, thank you — I don't know how to express how much it means to me.

#not art #if i ever start feeling overwhelmingly upset i'll just go back and read tags and it makes me feel better instantly #im feeling better but it's still not great #to repeat something i said in some tags on my main blog #this blog has helped me feel excited to wake up every day and motivated me to try to fix my sleep schedule #i'd often wake up super early by my standards just so that i could read tags in the morning and draw more in a day #but since this whole mess ive just been back to slogging through my days and only getting out of bed in the afternoon #only to feel like my days are empty and hollow again as i wait for another day to come by #ik feedback isnt pm fanart exclusive and if i branched out to other fandoms it'll still happen eventually #but it isnt really the same yk? pm is the only interest that’s made me WANT to engage with the fandom #something i usually avoid like the plague. so it's kind of special to me since this is my first time doing anything in fandom #anyways late night sad posting over give it up for day 6 of absolutely nothing 💀

[roseworth]

judd winick is going to hell for not making this their actual dynamic once jason came back. ur gonna tell me that this was written by winick BEFORE jason actually came back to life and he just?? didnt use it?????

#jason todd #bruce wayne #dc #this is like. very subtley their dynamic. but it should be more unsubtle #bc bruce going 'hes just dirt in the sewers' or whatever he said in ga was clearly him trying to act like he doesnt care #but if they could have just made it clear that bruce cares about jason too much to stop him i would have sobbed #but instead we have shit like 'this changes nothing' #anyways. im working at 6 am tomorrow and instead of sleeping im up jason posting #don’t let me complain about being tired in the morning

[whentherewerebicycles]

i swear to god i do more work in three hours in this job than i did in ten months at the other job lolllll. but i can’t even be too resentful towards old job because 1) i’m out of it and never have to think of it again YIPPEE and 2) the timing of that job (specifically my lead escalating shit to Unbearable Misery Levels) enabled me to be in exactly the right place & right time to apply for this job.

#i am all amped up #partly from knocking out a bunch of shit this morning #and partly from the lowgrade hum of pregnancy-related anxiety #ultrasound scheduled for sunday morning #which feels sooooo far away #but i guess i just have to get through three days after today #i wish interviews were this week so i could kill a bunch of time that way lol #i need to be prepared for the slow rising levels to mean bad news on the ultrasound #but i am also trying to not fret too much or read The Forums #kinda wish i had one more blood test to reassure me or help me brace myself but #trying to also resist the Hunger for Data as i know it is just an emotional desire to assert some semblance of control #over a process i ultimately cannot control in any meaningful way #anywayyyy ok #killing 20 min before my last meeting #then i'm going to drive home and try to listen to a webinar in my car #then i can be done since i started at 6:45 this morning