#I hate the self sabotage all the time

[commsroom]

doug eiffel is such a Guy Who Hates His Job. and he has had some truly abysmal jobs, for sure, but i think he’d hate any job because it’s a job and he has to work there. eiffel could get fired from his own self-professed ‘dream job’ because the instant the novelty wore off, he would realize it was another set of tasks he was obligated to do, and he wouldn’t want to do it anymore.

#wolf 359 #w359 #doug eiffel #he hates rules and schedules and authority to an absolutely self-sabotaging degree #and i am in love with him. #the most adhd character of all time #hera has this problem too. telling either of them they have to do something is the fastest way to make them dig in their heels #and that's why minkowski is in hell #(said with love.)

[stupid-dyke]

stayed up til 3 when I have an 8am again. I do this because I hate myself so sos sososososososososo much. It's really funny because I don;t fall asleep in class thanks to my meds but I've noticed every time I go to class after 4 hrs sleep people act weird around me which is how I know im acting really weird. And I am so extremely angry at myself. I spent 4 hours. well 8 hours. Well all day. Pretending I'm going to do homework and distracting myself with various other things on my laptop or crying on the phone to my parents. Got zerooooo work done at all i stayed up most of the nihght for literally no gain whatsoever this is pure self harm. Which I do becauase again I hate myself. Because I didn't do my work. Which i won't do tomorrow either because i'll be so tired I wont be able to string a sentence together even though I'm supposed to give a presentation haha. My favorite activity is staring at the clock on my laptop getting later and later and later. new high score etc. Who's a hypersomniac now. Imagine how much easier this semester would have been if I'd gone to bed before 2am ever. I'm so fucking angry at myself I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep now even. If I fail my classes again my parents are gonna make me live at home forever and say im too crazy to live on my own. I know I was supposed to get a therapist but I hate them all so, so, so much. I think people get that job bc they feel powerful telling some pathetic person what to do knowing I literally cannot do it and will come back week after week admittingn failure and paying

I know I was supposed to take the new experimental FDA approved drug for IH but the list of side effects is fucking terrifying and I live and sleep alone so i really don't want to take a super powerful sedative that can make you stop breathing. So I'm gonna keep taking stimualnts and lying to myself that today is the last day I stay up extremely late for no reason.

#it's really sad I'll skip the meds sometimes to try to sleep and it doesn't even help. I just feel worse while awake. #The real reason i can't sleep is because im screwing myself over by doing no work and im terrified im going to fail my fucking classes #and theyre all going to say im crazy if I fail my classes. theyre going to say im crazy and I self sabotaged on purpose #bc i dont want to succeed. Dad says that every day #Dad loves telling me everytjhing wrong with me multiple times a day every day so i never ever forget #hes so helpful. He's trying so hard to help. If i dont answer the phone he starts worrying ive committed suicide #again i was suicidal one week in 2019. Get the fuck over it. You've literally threatened to kill yourself multiple times. Fucking hypocrite #a bunch of my friends are going to graduate this semester and best case scenario i graudate next semester and then I'll lose touch with eve #ybody #and then the good times are over and life is boring and hell forever and ill get more disabled every year until I can't work and then I'll #run out of money and die #you know when I talked to my genetics professor about the alzheimer's results he said somethign will kill you eventually and it #wont be that unless you live to old age which will be good! #so true bestie. so ture #Guys lets be real here. Why the fuck. Do we live. why. It is so goddamn hard. Maybe it;s easy when u get sleep . But that hasn't happened t #me for a while #all my classes end next week and i havent done most assignments since spring break #also over spring break my parents met w a lawyer to revise their will adn afterwards dad told me im executor and explained to me what will #happen after each person in my family dies. #the assumption is that I will outlive everyone. they don't think my sister will live to old age adn they are already old #the lawyer apparently has clients with the same disability as me and all of them had the same thing happen. Once they get another disabilit #and get older it becomes impossible to manage IH and they cant work til retirement age #i just spent an hour typing this shit instead of sleeping. 4am-730am sleep lets go. I should kill myself #i hate my parents fucking advicce bc they;; be like well when i was ur age I was married it sure must suck to be single!!!! fuck you guys f

[xashtray]

keep everything secret from your loved ones, but overshare to strangers on the internet

#this is me lol #i do this all the time #who doesnt anyway #personal #mentally unstable #mentally fucked #mental breakdown #overshare #depressing shit #mentally ill #self destruction #xashtray #sick of life #sick of everything #self isolation #self isolating #isolate myself #self destructive #self sabotage #i hate myself #i hate everyone #i hate my life #i hate the world #i hate to be myself #i want to go away from here #i wish i was someone else #depression #depressed #mentally drained #mentally tired

[c-rave]

The worst thing is knowing youre being too clingy and still being unable to stop

#i just wanna talk to him all the time #i think he hates me tho #bpd #actually bpd #bpd fp #cluster b #obsession #slxt #self sabotage

[ashtrayfloors]

...During the meal, Stein began his usual playful flirtations with Tommy. But soon his attentions took on a belittling edge. Tommy “was being picked on and picked up on,” said one witness to the scene. “It was very uncomfortable.”

Sensing this, Westerberg threw a possessive arm around Stinson and half-jokingly hissed at Stein: “Fuck off, faggot...he’s my bitch.”

—Bob Mehr, from Trouble Boys

#bob mehr #trouble boys #the replacements #paul westerberg #tommy stinson #f slur cw #homophobia mention #? #idk #jeez #i both love and hate this #books #currently reading #reading this book is a physically painful experience tbh #like the level of their self destruction and self sabotage just #makes me wanna go back in time and give 'em all a good smack upside the head #followed by a hug

[goldkirk]

I am not gonna kill my brain I’m going to be neutral and then compassionate and then kind to it but god I’m gonna complain about it the whole time. quietly. on the inside

#i am so tired of this work #it feels like I’m going nowhere I KNOW things are a lot better it’s just I feel more like a shit himan than I have since mid high school #and nothing seems to change it yet #i am actively self sabotaging all the time and actively hating myself for every. single. thing #which doesn’t help me be more comfortable with myself or feel safe #but like…How…do i get out ahead of things #i don’t know…but I haven’t stopped trying to figure this out #personal

[meltamorphosis]

why did i have the most delayed reaction to a heartbreaking event in my life ever

#despot vents #i cut off my best friends 2 months ago #and back then i was fine #but now suddenly 2 months later its like theyre all i can think about #i think im going crazy #i can't stop loving them i physically can't. but i will never be loved back bc i tried to make sure they hated me before i left #im in love w self sabotage 😎 #i know they hurt me i know i cant trust them again . but if i could go back in time and change one thing #i would make sure things didnt end the way they did #preferably id communicate rather than just dipping and hoping theyd hate me too much to care #(...and then feeling pain bc of the thought of them actually hating me . love my contradictory brain) #or yknow. preferably id make sure things never ended at all #sometimes i think it might be better if i were alone #like if nobody had to put up w whatever i have going on and i didnt have any friendships to ruin . thatd be a win win situation i think #sorry for being depressing ^_^ im going to go play video game now

[thegempage]

currently experiencing The Crisis™ (feeling weird about being perceived as a person and like i am constantly doing being a person wrong) (i know this is irrational, but alas, The Crisis™ continues)

#little rock.txt #long tags #and like. i know Why it's happening #so i'm trying to correct course and shorten it #but also. it's already in motion and the unfortunate nature of The Crisis™ makesit a bit self-fulfilling #like oh you thought you were bad at being social? well now you're nervous all the time so you're *definitely* going to fuck something up #and i hate it bcus this round is needling both on and offline environments so i don't even get peace #can't be a student right. can't be an employee right. can't be a friend right. #like!! i know this is dumb!! i know i just goofed a little!! i know i'm just feeling this bcus my brain likes to sabotage itself!! #but man it fucking sucks

[carolinanadeau]

you're talking shit for the hell of it. and we see you over there on the internet, comparing all the girls who are killing it. but we figured you out, we all know now, we all got crowns, you need to calm down. I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined. Mr. Superior Thinking... no, I don't like you. no one likes a mad woman - you made her like that. I can feel the flames on my skin. you did some bad things but I'm the worst of them. maybe I got mine, but you'll all get yours. I'm shaking my head and locking the gates. this is why we can't have nice things. seeing the shape of your name still spells out pain. sometimes I wonder which one'll be your last lie. now I breathe flames each time I talk. do you still feel like you know what you're doing? because I don't think you do. all you are is mean! and a liar! and pathetic! and alone in life and mean!

and you didn't see me here.

#I regret to inform you that I'm not doing some webweaving thing here this is literally a personal vent post lololol #can't wait until I get to the IFTYE of this situation. is it even possible? will I have to stop caring about the positive things too?? #(also yes this is about the same person/people I'm always angry about and no it doesn't make sense for me to be this angry) #(and again don't ask because I don't even want to spread the knowledge of what this is about) #tumblr has been very good for me and also very bad for me this time around #isn't that always the way #I am just SO MAD because I tried to google to see if an article existed online #instead all I got was that fucking POST #and I didn't look too much but I did hold my nose and check the notes this time which led to unfortunate new revelations #also don't tag your hate. geez. #anyway I swear I will never click on that link again because it's pure self-sabotage. but at least I KNOW now #here is a positive lyric: they might be bigger! but we're faster and never scared! #my original post

[xwayne]

idk what i did to deserve my gf but i would 100 not have been here a long time ago without them looking forward to them and the way they literally changed my outlook on life when i met them i love them so much and idk what to do with my emotions so im putting them here i wish i was sleeping with them every night and holding them they make me feel safe and like im not insane and i only can hope i make them feel the same i am so in love with them

#i hate bpd but my episodes have gotten way less severe over the years #i didnt think anyone could do that and idk why they put up with me the couple times it was really bad but im glad they did #they used to be pretty bad like i self sabotage bad but i don't really lash out anymore i feel like all that happens is sadness #but then i mention that and i feel like every time they somehow calm me down and im over it faster every time #these are the longest tags ever but im crying in the club

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

I still cannot believe that at the Meet Me @ The Altar show I went to last year, Edith was so shy about performing "T.M.I" (before they played it, her explanation was something like she felt awkward about it/wasn't sure how we'd react to it) because I was screaming in my head 'With lyrics like "Stupid self-sabotage every time" HOW COULD WE NOT LOVE AND RELATE TO IT?'

#crystal visions of lilies in the valley #but maybe 'stupid self-sabotage every time' is just a me thing. although...apparently not! if Edith wrote it and shared it! #like...among discovering Big Country there's a glaring reason this song was number 6 on my Spotify Wrapped for 2023; #this song is Me to a T. not just on my worst days either. #I hate being asked how I am too because I always feel the need to be honest but (like this song) not so honest that I'd make people uncomfy #so I only ever say 'I'm okay' or 'I'm all right' or 'not bad' because those are as close to the truth as I can get without going full TMI

[herefortheships]

I self-sabotaged again and I think I will lose my job now. A job that wasn't so great, ok (I made only $609 a month), but that had guaranteed vacations and was only 8 hours a day. I just don't know how to handle my emotions when a wave of depression hits me. And I had to be there at 7am and with these dark, heavy feelings and constant need to cry it just felt impseossible to do for me. And I know it's laziness, but I just don't know how to cope with my emotions.

#I hate myself #I already know how to kms but I don't want my family to suffer #plus there's this tiny glimmer of hope inside me that maybe I can be self-employed which is my dream #so maybe I don't have to kms because there's still something I could do #but I just don't know how to live in this world when my waves of depression always end up making me lose my job #or drop out from college #i tried college for almost 20 years you guys who fucking does that #me apparently #but I failed every single time so all I got from it was debt #ugh #self-sabotage #depression

[victim9d]

hm.

#negative cw #our other best friend came over and my roommate mentioned that hes here but never anything past that #and i just went to the bathroom and heard them all playing the board game we were all gonna play and. no one told me #like i would've probably said no bc the kids are here and I'd be uncomfortable but. it hurts? #its a game ive never played before (cluedo) that i bought specifically bc i thought it would be fun to play with my best friends but #god i hate this my stupid brain is so self sabotaging and now im just 'well okay so im never ever gonna play cluedo then this has ruined it' #i hate this i hate everything ab this but my brain gets so all or nothing in situations like this #and i will frequently go for Nothing bc i feel like this is a. it feels once again like i am being excluded from the only friends i have #and its. if it was any other day I'd say maybe they dont wanna keep me up bc of work but i dont work tomorrow #me not working tomorrow is WHY we were gonna play board games tonight literally the entire reason #bc i could stay up later and it'd be fine #but also its fucking 7pm its not that late and they've been going for a couple hours already #and i just. it hurts that they didnt even ask if i wanted to play when ive spent days excited for this #i have talked excitedly ab playing cluedo and now i never ever want to see that game ever again i hate it #i wish i had. i wish i had friends outside of just my 2 roommates and our best friend #like i don't even mean i want people im as close to as them i literally just. i dont know anyone else #no one else would ever want to spend time with me #and i am constantly watching them all make new friends and bring new people into their lives and i just. dont #and its not for lack of trying!!!!! i am always trying So Hard to meet people and make friends but just. it. #i have known for Years like at least a decade that i am fundamentally difficult for people to like especially in person so ive clung to #the trio ive had but i just. i feel like. they are moving on #and its felt that way for a long time for a lot of reasons and its just. i do not understand what im doing wrong #or why people never like me #i wish so badly i could've just been happy with the body i was born in i feel like if i had just settled w being a girl people might like me #i don't know this is stupid and depressing and will be deleted i just #hearing them playing and having fun and the fact that they never even thought to involve me just Hurts

[to-dance-beneath-the-diamond-sky]

I’ve come to realize that staying up late depriving myself of sleep is my most common method of self harm

#And here I used to think I was done self harming #But surprise surprise there’s more than just cutting to self harm #Hmm #guess I’ll do a tw here tho this really is just a vent post while I actively self harm by refusing to let myself sleep #Tw self harm #but yeah #i guess I self harm all the time if we count intentional sleep deprivation #So fuck me and my mental health I guess #Fuck I just wanna go to bed #But my brain is like no you suck therefore you don’t deserve to sleep #Which is so illogical and self sabotaging and stupid #And I hate it #but I can’t override it #Igh #personal #delete later