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xashtray · 2 months

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today is my birthday and I'm one year clean of sh, i quit smoking too lol. i feel so proud of myself for getting this far, because i thought my life would end at 15 or 16 or 17, but then boom, I'm freaking here and some parts of my life did get better. i got my answers, my struggles and my feelings are finally validated by my parents, I'm not afraid to speak my mind, open up and come out to people. I'm not entirely changed as a new person, who's way better or have it all together and figured out, but I'm at the very least acknowledged what i did wrong and learnt how to handle everything. I would not say I have finally found myself, because I thought I found myself too when I was 14, or 16, or 18, whatever, and losing it, it happened all the time. I changed my mind on the daily, I am a paradox, a contradictory, everything i said i wouldn't be. but well, life is full of dramas and unexpected shits. We'll never know what might happen around us and how it'll affect us anyway, but all we must know is how to handle and react to it, right? So, if life gets worse again, I'm drowning in guilt and regrets again, or everything is not going as planned, at least i know i am the one taking my own reins, not my paranoia or whatever going on inside my head, let alone people around me. And i don't mean it in a bad way, as in that "i could take me out if i want to" mindset, but I'm a bit more optimistic this time. The 366 days have changed me a lot tho, brought me to the state i would never thought i would be in. So, here's to one more year for my existence that i hated since age 9

#personal #xashtray #personal rant

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xashtray · 2 years

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keep everything secret from your loved ones, but overshare to strangers on the internet

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xashtray · 2 years

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nothing gives me gender euphoria more than randomly being called a pretty guy by a little kid i never met

#gender euphoria #transmasc #trans pride #lgbtq community #lgbtq #lgbt pride #gender stuff #genderqueer #gender neutral #non binary #genderfluid #enby #masc enby #personal #xashtray #trans masculine

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xashtray · 2 months

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excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, but i was fine with not texting people for a week, to the point where i think i would be fine if i had a partner who would be okay with that. and then, you know what, this guy loves to update me everything he does. like, shut up, don't make me fall deeper for you because you're so cuteeeee

#personal #xashtray

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xashtray · 2 months

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oh no, I'm falling in love again

#personal #xashtray

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xashtray · 2 months

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I really need friends rn but i know im emotionally unavailable and will only push people away and hurt them and only want people around when im lonely then ghosting them and im a massive trash texter :/

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xashtray · 2 months

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you think you can hurt me?

nobody remembers my birthday, not even my best friends, and I've grown used to it because what else can i do other than pretending that being forgotten is fine and nothing new to me when i would literally throw them a surprise party and write them long ass paragraphs about how important they are to me then getting nothing in return because well i understand that people can be forgetful and maybe I'm just cursed to remember all the details about people i love like excuse me i know your favorite color is yellow and you love ducks and it's okay you don't remember my birthday i know you're busy

yeah you can actually hurt me but I'll pretend that you don't

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xashtray · 4 months

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and a classmate from high school who wasn't really close to me was checking on me because her cat reminded her of me, it felt really great i almost cried. because i never felt like my existence does matter enough to be remembered, even by my close friends (this is why i overshare to nobody on the internet lol)

#personal #xashtray

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xashtray · 4 months

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by the way, 300 days clean from sh and i'm so proud of myself. the longest ever since i started

#personal #xashtray #milestone #sh clean #sh mention

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xashtray · 4 months

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Anyway it's almost Christmas again. I don't celebrate it, but I always felt something in me when it's coming around. Like waves of nostalgia crashing me

#xashtray #personal

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xashtray · 2 years

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you were there for me when nobody was, you gave me your hands and held me. you held me too tight. you gave me your everything, every fucking thing. you loved me when nobody did. you promised to always stay. and those what hurt me now. everything feels like a lie now, like a stupid fucking teenage dream. it feels ike i was just making a little teen-fiction romance story inside my head about you, about us. because you aren't here anymore, your hands just became so cold, you have lost your grips, your everything has become nothing, and you don't love me anymore. you probably never had. you made me love you so much, it hurts me. it hurts me so bad. I'm sorry for being so stupid, for letting myself falling for you. i should have just walked away when i first saw you.

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xashtray · 2 years

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get high so i wont feel so low

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xashtray · 11 months

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my mom thinks i have a boyfriend when i am here crying over a girl i will never have a chance with. oh yeah, this closet is so comfy. anyway, happy pride <3

#lgbtqiia+#lgbt pride #lgbtq community #lgbtq #pride #queer #queer stuff #pansexual problems #pansexual #pansexual pride #xashtray #personal #pride month

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xashtray · 1 year

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xashtray · 2 years

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"you look like a guy" thanks, thats my goal

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xashtray · 1 year

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what hurts more than wishing you never attach yourself to someone else is, wishing nobody would care about you enough to get hurt when you're gone. it's like, when someone tells you that they love you, it's just scary. you're scared that their feeling hurt them and your conflicted feelings might hurt them too.. because you love them but all you want to do is leaving. leaving this world. so you become distant, thinking that it's better because it doesn't hurt them, but it does hurt them. and you can't just end everything. you're left confused. you don't know what to do anymore. the feelings eat you alive, you can't function. it feels like you're too far to look back, nothing you do would change anything. it's too late.

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