#I hope not that's the suicidal ideation talking | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vvalengogh · 2 months

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genuinely target is one of the worst places to ever work at. that 15/hr pay might be tempting but money is not worth the absolute garbage target will put you through and the deterioration it will have on your mental health. they will force you into departments you have expressed you don’t or don’t feel confident working at, guilt trip you, and try and force you to pull doubles. my tl felt entitled to my time after I was supposed to leave for the day bc i was just “sitting around” waiting to be picked up like that meant I should work both open and close. there’s a lot of personal gripe i have with target but target, as a whole and on a bigger scale, sucks. new members will be prioritized, old members will be given less hours, and overworked in a department that needs a minimum of two or three people to work in. it sucks major ass.

like i’m speaking from personal experience and the experience my old target coworkers have gone or still go through. i worked in the deli, doing the job of 3 people, and in the cafe, also doing the job of 2 people. and i never got a raise or recognition for absolutely busting my ass, and was instead made to feel bad when i couldn’t complete every single task. it got so bad to the point i was having an actual anxiety, borderline panic, attack before every goddamn shift. like chili’s and kroger sucked ass but the way target made me feel was a special kind of hopelessness and uselessness.

and every now and again i’ll see target talk pop up and it’s a newcomer piling on their coworkers about being lazy about an easy job when the “easy job” is one person scheduled the entire morning or night, expected to do MULTIPLE hour long tasks. like homie, your coworkers ain’t your enemy and target doesn’t have your back. they will drop you like a dead fly will fall out of the air.

#corvid chatter #i hope they bankrupt lol #i hear now they’ve cut a bunch of ppl’s hours to keep like #labor down ig #bc target higher ups get much more money if they do that lmao #also closing self checkout and every lane #and having only ONE LANE open with ONE CASHIER.#I’m only sad about leaving target bc my coworkers were nice and fun to talk to #and the pay was nice but ultimately not worth my mental health #i was actively having suicidal ideation!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

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godmodebeginswithlesbians · 1 year

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ive seen some posts like "xenologue!alcryst is the opposite of canon!alcryst but xenologue!céline is just normal céline but Extreme" but like. i dont think thats whays goin on here exactly

like, lets look at céline, yeah? her canon! character traits are, like, most prominently is her kindness, followed by her devotion to her people, followed by the least shown one, which would be how she's willing to do just about anything to protect her people.

now lests look at alcryst. most notable: his imposter syndrome and utter self hatred, his love/caring/admiration/whatever the word im looking for is for people, specifically his family (esp diamant) (to the point where its his personal skill), and finally, barely shown, he is shown to be... maybe not like full on bloodthirsty but like yknow? (thinking mainly about how he ends up threatening ivy in the chapter 11 post battle talk) (also about how luna (negates/ignore's half of foe's defense and resistance) is a skill locked to him) (probably as a counterpart to sol (which is locked to diamant), but oddly fitting)

in both cases, the second trait at least a little bit informs the first and the third, yeah? so to me it looks like the scale has been reversed, really, rather than their xenologue counterparts being their opposites. like, theey are, but like on the same sliding scale or smth yknow?

#i really hope thats the right accent on her name #mia's mumblings #fire emblem engage #do note that i have been a dumbass in regards to posts about this game before so take all i say with a grain of salt yeah?#tangentially related- i love love love sun and moon symbolism like i cannot talk about it (or much else) due to no thoughts but like #yknow?#~~also smth smth moonlight is just reflected sunlight which in this context- OUCH- but yknow~~#come to think of it. wow i went on a few tangents lmao #dont mind my wording and the typos its 2 in the morning and i have brainrot #also you can see that im not at all normal about alcryst #anyways. excuse my rambling lmao #also speaking of him can we talk. about how several of his exploration/somniel quotes seem to deal with suicidal ideation/thoughts.#i feel like thats important #''how does his (whatever the word is) for people inform his sealf loathing'' constant comparing himself to them negatively whats how

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hel-phoenyx · 5 months

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(TW suicide mention and suicidal ideation, also internalized homophobia and dark af intrusive thoughts)

"What do you mean, Leonard attempted suicide ????"

The most surprising part for Willy wasn't the fact her brother did try. He didn't seem well these days, after all, and refused any kind of help. The most surprising part was that the one who told her was Emerens.

He knew very well his cousin would be dumbfounded. Him and Leonard had the coldest relationship in all their generation. They were too different, polar opposites in every way. Emerens often expressed how much he didn't care about his eldest cousin. His face, however, was pale when he told her the news.

"Yes. Doctors say he's not in danger anymore, but he refuses to see anyone. Except me."

"Wh-what ?!"

"I'm as surprised as you are, Willhelmien, sighed Emerens. That's how I came to know, by the way. I'm going to the hospital in the afternoon. I'll give you some news, if you want to."

"And you want to go."

That probably was the most surprising part for Willy.

Emerens nodded.

"You know me enough to remember I take suicide very seriously. Whoever it is that attempted."

Those were the words running in his head when he opened the door to his cousin's room.

Leonard was sitting in his bed. Far, far away from the stiff jurist Emerens was used to know, his hair was disheveled, hanging around a pale, adorned with dark circles face. His glasses couldn't even hide the emptiness in his eyes, not fading even when he heard the door open.

He didn't even say hello to Emerens.

The visitor sighed.

"Hi, Leonard. I heard you wanted to see me."

A pale smile dug into emaciated cheeks.

"I didn't think you would come."

Emerens said nothing. He just sat down on the bed, trying his hardest not to look at the perfusions, the scars he could see on his cousin's arms. They were old, not the method he used to end up in that bed, but still there, unnoticeable before but overwhelming now. He could only look at how much Leonard had grew thinner these days.

Adelheid died three years ago. Since then, Emerens had distributed the immense van Heel wealth to everyone he cared about, including, surprisingly, his eldest cousin. In an act of fairness, he said. He even left him the mansion, prompted by Leonard's demand, and he thought possessing something proving he would live on the family legacy would made him feel a little better.

He was no stranger to the man's inner turmoil. He just didn't expect it to take such proportion.

"I guess asking you how you are feeling is out of the question, said Emerens, a little wicked smile on his lips. You look like shit, Leo."

A little pause.

"Well. Not dead, at least. That's good."

And he meant it.

Leonard shrugged.

"Apparently medication is not that efficient. I will ask the psychiatrist to up my antidepressants dose like I meant to since Adelheid's death, maybe at the very least it would lead to a success..."

"I'd rather not, Leonard."

That sentence was sharp as a blade. Joking about suicide this way was absolutely out of the question, no matter how much he hated his cousin. because of the memories, because of the thoughts that still ran into his head, further and further away since Hope's adoption and Alexander's birth but still there.

And because he didn't want to go to another family funeral yet.

He already skipped his grandparents'.

Leonard's smile faded.

"Surprising to see you care so much. Genuinely. I didn't think I was worthy in your head."

"The fact you were a piece of shit bootlicker that made a point to tell me how I was weak to surrender to my "darkest desires", and by that i mean me being queer as hell, doesn't mean I want to see you kill yourself. Everyone is worthy to hope."

He didn't name his daughter that way for no reason, after all.

A little laugh went past his cousin's lips. Painful.

"Weak... I insulted you so much, and look at me now. I'm the weak one. I couldn't even suppress everything that told me I failed at my life. I failed at finding a wife, producing a heir, even in inheriting the family legacy. I failed at making my family proud, or even in having my siblings love me. Everything I got was nothing but handouts, from Adelheid, my father, and even you, the one I held so much in contempt. Pretty pathetic isn't it ?"

"Well, life is handouts, Leonard. My whole existence, celebrity, wealth, happiness is a handout. I am no self-made man. Nobody is."

"You take it so much better than I do, though."

"Maybe it's because I attempted earlier."

This was said under a joking tone, but Emerens's face was dead serious. Since his children's arrival in his life, he really worked on facing his whole trauma. As of right know, only five people knew what exactly was the Saint-Cyr Tragedy : Himself, the mother of his second child, his two best friends, and, as of right now, Leonard.

Leonard's eyes widened. Just a second.

"... I remember. It was something Adelheid tried so hard to erase from our counsciousness. But still... Getting the news... About Willy, too... Not my fondest memory."

"Fair. Wasn't mine either."

He chuckled.

"I now more than ever see that I was wrong to think you're weak. Joking about that requires quite the strenght of will."

Silence followed that little banter. Long, heavy silence, words only carried by green eyes locking into green eyes. The dark circles on both their faces were so similar, noticed Emerens. And he could recognize that haunted expression anywhere.

Maybe that's what prompted him to visit his cousin.

It lasted for so long. Minutes, maybe, stretching thin in words none of them could say. Before Leonard sighed, eyes lowering, going on his arms covering in scars, and those, now tattooed, of Emerens.

"... How can you stand it ?"

"What ?"

"Everything. The feeling of being a disappointment. Those thoughts everyday that murmur in your ear that you will never be worthy. That taking that knife on the counter to cut your own head would be beneficial to everyone. That you are not what this world needs, to your very core."

Emerens kept silent. Somehow, he knew Leonard needed this. Even if he didn't think himself to be the one fit to receive all those thoughts, at least he was getting them out, one way or another. And he understood that all too well.

"I tried so hard," said Leonard, voice heavy with tears. "To be the son he wanted. To be the heir SHE wanted. I suppressed everything they didn't like, my desires, my.... inclinations, everything, to mold myself into perfection. And it still wasn't enough."

A single tear rolled on his face.

"She deemed the legacy a failure to the point she gave everything to the one who hated her the most. And he discarded me immediatly afterwards. My life was assured, but I ? I just lost everything I fought for."

Emerens wasn't even sure he was still aware of his presence.

"What's the point ? At least you realised that sooner and could enjoy your fucking life. I'm almost fourty, goddamnit. Even if I wanted to, even if I wanted to embrace that role as well as you do, it's too late for me. My best years are behind me, and I ruined them myself. What's fucking left of me, Emerens ?!"

There was only supplication on his face.

Just enough to create an ache in his cousin's chest.

Just enough to feel Leonard and him weren't that different, after all.

He smiled. Still coldly, but there was only compassion behind the fortress of ice he built all those years.

"That's a lot of questions. For which I will start to say I'm not holding out as well as you think."

Leonard blinked, but Emerens wasn't finished.

"What I lived at thirteen fucked me up to the core. While you were repressing yourself, I was destroying myself. It took years to rebuild something good enough to even consider having children, or just talking with you about what I... what we both suffered from. The only difference between me and you is that I reached the breaking point sooner."

"You still look more free than I ever was."

"Well, considering you tried to overdose on prescription, at the very least you got help before you attempted suicide. Also, as for the gay part, since I saw you on Grindr, I'd say you weren't completely repressing yourself, eh?"

"Oh, ew, don't remind me about that time we matched, I still cringe even remembering that."

Emerens laughed a little bit. Funny memory it was than the day he matched with Leonard while they were both under false identities. Him because of his celebrity, and Leonard because if his father saw him on a gay dating site, he would lose his shit. Or maybe because, now that he thought about it, to indulge in his sexuality Leonard created a persona that could live what Leonard van Heel was never allowed to.

He knew the feeling all too well.

"Seriously, Leo, it's never too late to start rebuilding your own identity. Talk with your therapist about that. And if you want advice to navigate through very much homosexual hookups, well, I am an expert in the matter."

Leonard sighed again.

"Oh, how I don't want to remember your little shenanigans. They created so much conflicted feelings in me."

"Jealous of my fabulous sex life, dear cousin?"

"You're laughing, but a little. Not exaclty what, or who you were getting into," he said with a frown when Emerens burst out laughing. "More about the absolute collectedness you told it with. I wasn't even allowing myself to think about a man.... that way, so hearing you narrating your hookups as they were just another adventure? Quite the experience."

"Thank you, thank you. I am after all not a renowned writer for nothing, am I?"

Emerens' smile was getting a lot warmer by the minute. Something Leonard was no stranger to. Him, too, was smiling more and more, forgetting just for a moment the ache in his heart he tried so hard to dull out with medication. Just listening to his cousin talking seemed to do the trick, after all.

He never thought he would get such a confession from a man that hated him with the fierceness of ice, and yet Emerens was still talking, more and more warmly.

"To tell you the truth, Leonard, when I still was at the hospital for my cancer, I listened to many stories. Stories about people like me, but people like you, too. Trans people who started transitionning at fifty. Gay people who buried themselves behind layers and layers of hate and lies. People who always were happy, on their death bed, to at least have tried."

"... You think I can still try?"

"You're still alive, eh? Then you can. End of story. Or better, the beginning."

Leonard smiled a little more widely.

"You know what ? Thank you. For coming even after everything I did to you. And telling me that. And... You know. Surviving."

"Hardly think my life is anything to thank me for."

"I would have said that years ago. Because I was jealous. because you were living the life I wanted. But I think now it's more something like hope. Never too late to be free, right ?"

Emerens winked.

"You're getting the hang of it."

#tw suicide #tw suicide ideation #hel ocs #hel writing #hel stories #hel is talking #la peste moderne #lpm #growing up in the van Heel family fucked up everyone to the core but hey #at least this generation has the potential to break the cycle #and it started with Emerens reaching the breaking point #the irony in this #I love writing hope-filled stories in the AU without killing games by opposition to the canon of the universe #just to show how context can change a man from despair to hope #to show what people in perdition need can sometimes only be a hand held and support #as opposition to fear and extermination

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altargarden · 5 months

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when you pick up a hobby and your mother forces you to make things for her for free even when you say no because you "just do things for your family" and it makes you want to dump everything you've ever made in the trash + every ball of yarn you paid for

#bun talks #respectfully i hope i die in my sleep #she started getting angry when i said i couldn't do it so i now have to #suicide ideation tw #suicide tw #vent #negative #'you need to do this because you love me' no i fucking don't :(#abuse tw

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glutenfreepng · 2 years

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suffering from wanting to fucking die disease

#p sure this already exists but i want to lob myself into oblivion rn and tumblr search engine didn’t show me the og so soz this will only #get 2 notes anyway #whayever i hope i die #althea talks #tw suicidal ideation

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piastriblogging · 2 years

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nobody who follows me here cares and no one on tumblr in general cares so i will just take the time to rant all my anger and sadness in the tags look away if u want or maybe stare the way people watch car crashes happen all slow motion and pitying.

#i just think it’s not fair that 127 get another comeback and wayv get absolutely no announcement #like… at this point just announce the disbandment just say it’s over #bcs at least then i can idk. move ON with my life #instead of spending every single day waiting and hoping that MAYBE something will happen #NOTHING WILL HAPPEN !!!! THE GROUP IS RUINED !!!!!#the magic is over #i am unhappy in this fandom and i am angry at this fandom and i’m angry at this company #and none of my friends will talk to me anymore and no one likes me any more #and the only people i AM still friends with are ALSO moving in #or are just like. so inherently different from me sometimes it’s hard to like. CONNECT.#and km also just. dealing with soooo much like #nearly flunked out last semester nearly killed myself #sorry #tw suicidal ideation #tw suicide mention #sorry except it’s not that serious i just thought about it a lot #i just thjnk i need to be medicated and i’m scared to tell anyone that bcs like lol …#but that’s a whole other thing for another day #back to my MAIN GRIEVENCE #is that i just… want a wayv comeback or a wayv album or a wayv concert or a wayv tour or a wayv ANYTHING at this point #anything but silence it’s been SO LONG #i think i do need to pack it up i think i do need to close my account #but i just… i like my friends i’ve made so much and it’s obvious TO ME that most of them do not like me when i’m not talking about nct #or they don’t like me when i’m talking about wayv or f1 or anything that isn’t perfectly happy and excited about everything #i said for a long time i am mean and awful and terrible and everyone said they liked me anyways and now i’m being mean and awful and #terribke and they don’t like me #i just… don’t want to loose the friends i’ve made. i want them to like me #and i want wayv back #and i don’t want taeil to enlist #but i don’t rlly have a choice in any of those matters so

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thatdemiboymess · 20 days

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Even just half-heartedly looking for work as someone who is legally blind, autistic, with no highschool diploma, GED, or degrees and who can't leave the house is a very specific kind of let-down and disappointment that just really makes a person depressed.

#irl #vent #suicidal ideation #i am a money sink and a financial burden and trying to look for ways to fix that turns up nothing!!!#society abandons those who cannot work!!! and i sure do seem to be unemployable!!!#like #i would need a work from home job that doesnt require a highschool diploma ged or a degree that i can do as someone who is legally blind #at the LEAST #even just being a cashier at pet smart requires a fucking highschool diploma!!! and i cant even do that sort of work anymore!!!#i dont have any fancy little talents or areas of expertise either!!! i cant code i suck at source work i cant do graphic design!!!#what am i supposed to do #can someone just like put me down like a sick animal or smth at this point #because i feel like all i amount to at this point is a burdensome and childish good for nothing waste of space #and an additional source of stress and disappointment for everyone who has ever cared about me or had hopes for my future #sincerely feel like everyone who knows me would be better off if i were dead #no one would have to take care of me then - theyd be free of any burden i put on them #hell considering how few people i talk to and how little o do talk to ones i DO talk to they probably wouldnt even notice i were gone #and once they did they probably wouldnt be upset for long at all if they would be upset to begin with #my partner would be free to find a smaller more affordable place to live or could even get a car and live in it as he thought of doing #before if i werent around being a little needy whiny bitch #seriously whats even the fucking point #im so tired of just...fucking everything.#i dont talk about it much but i really do just feel like shit all the fucking time man #and i feel so fucking powerless and like i have no control of my life too #should probably be in therapy still but i just know theyd force me into the psych ward again #not that talk therapy would do shit for me anyways tho #i dunno #im tired and sad and hopeless and i just wanna go to sleep and not wake up again #not that it matters or anything though lololol

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seeminglyseph · 2 months

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I did not bring Wyll to the burning building because I am playing the game mostly blind. so it is kinda funny in my head to be like.

"I thought we refused looking for the Duke?"

"We refused when some random noble lady asked and I figured like. 'Why the fuck are you asking me? I just showed up here, you don't even know who I am. I don't know who *you* are. Fuck off. If I don't commit, I don't get in trouble if I don't figure it out.' But then I found out it was Wyll's dad. And I like Wyll, and so I'm willing to put in effort to go find Wyll's dad. The difference is who asks for help, honestly."

which is a conversation Astarion and Lake had for literally no reason, but that I can't help but have little scenarios in my head. In this scenario Astarion learns that Lake is basically Chaotic Neutral. "May save your life, may steal your car." This may canonically not work for someone who is supposed to be a Selûnite Cleric but like. fuckin'. whatever. It was a fun goddess to be a cleric of and I admit I did not do a lot of research into her alignment and I suck at alignments and almost always play some form of Neutral. That's My Ninja Way, Bitch.

I should probably spend some time on the Forgotten Realms Wiki to figure out the lore I don't know for a bit. I am a fake DnD fan who knows more about Tal'Dorei than Faerûn. fuckin' oops. I'm sorry to everyone who knows me for every time I make a critrole reference especially since I care way more about the Mighty Nein than Vox Machina and Bell's Hells. which makes me like. The least relatable fan right now. Campaign 2 was my introduction to DnD and that's gonna hurt a lot of people's brain's and I'm real sorry 'bout that. One day they're animated series is gonna come out and it'll be easier to explain that. It was really good but there's just too much content to expect anyone right now to actually go watch and understand it...

#seph plays bg3 #and also #seph talks about critrole #look when it comes to dnd it's hard to disconnect the thing that really got me into it #and the mighty nein gave me my love for DnD #and helped me figure out how the game worked so I could play it properly with friends #and now bg3 is kinda giving me a way to have some at home play #but it is making me think about all my favourite parts of critrole #which were campaign 2 because I really really loved the mighty nein #and I want that animated series to come out so I can make more of my friends understand that love #I loved the vox machina animated series without having seen the live play totally #so I'm hoping I can intro my friends to MN with the animated series and they can understand #or they do an abridged cut of the liveplay because there's no way I can make them sit through the whole of campaign 2 #no matter how much it like... absolutely has the best characters hands down I'm sorry every other character #like I love vax and ashton and percy and keyleth and laudna and imogen and fern and all of them #but caduceus and veth and beau and fjord and caleb and jester and yasha and essek are like...#the characters that I think of when I think of characters that like... teach you how to grow #caduceus literally is a character that helped me deal with both the death of my father and my own suicidal ideation.#like literally changed me as a person #I don't know how to explain that about a liveplay dnd character????#it feels weird to say that. he's very important to me. and he does make me want to play a grave cleric at some point #my entire perspective on faith is different because of literal fantasy. but it's about death and decay.#idk I'm in a weird headspace right now maybe... I'm feeling sick so that always happens when I'm having a bad pain day...

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