#I kinda hate nina | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

devilbrakers · 8 months

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WIP Thursday!

was tagged by @lucien-lachance and @moonmothers to post a wip of mine and i finally have something to share jfkdslfjkdl. dmitri reawakens wip. kind of a warning for descriptions of someone dying but nothing terribly graphic, i don't think.

tagging: @numbaoneflaya @time-is-a-lake @shadowshearts @nuclearstorms @celticwoman @morvaris @mrs-theirin @druidgroves @saratrantoul @cwahsont @katsigian @swanfey and anyone else who'd like to join!

It’s cold – impossibly cold. The chamber is dark, the only thing he can make out is the crumbling brick only a couple feet from his face. The platform is harsh under his bare skin, grittier and rougher than he remembers. He shifts slightly, expecting the typical discomfort one has when moving their joints for the first time in a while but it doesn’t come. His movements are fluid and quick, much quicker than he’s used to. He almost flings himself off the platform when he rolls over. He catches himself, a hand flying out on its own volition and his palm cracks the brick of the altar he lays on. He swallows thickly, staring at the sight for a moment before he looks up. Better not to dwell on that, he thinks.

It’s too quiet for his liking. Nina should already be yelling at him, degrading him for ruining her ritual and denying her the ‘power of a god’, as she called it just hours ago. He should be dead, really, granted freedom away from this wretched place. He wanted to die but it seems the creators will not be granting that kindness today. He sits up, brushing his hands off on his pants and watching as the dust scatters. He looks up again, searching the nearby area for any sign of his sister but finds nothing besides a trail of blood smeared up the stairs and towards the path leading to their estate. Well, that can’t be anything pleasant. He slides off the altar, unbothered by the jagged pebbles digging into his bare feet as he slowly walks towards the blood. The scent of iron fills his nostrils more and more the closer he gets to it and a sense of dread settles itself deep within his chest. Surely, it’s not Nina’s blood? It seems unlikely in his mind and yet they were the only two people here so there aren’t many other logical options.

A quiet squelching sound comes as he steps in the liquid, cold and sticky underneath his feet. He shudders and side-steps away from it, walking up the stairs and following the path to the estate. The smell is overwhelming now and he has to resist the urge to gag as he plugs his nose. But he can taste it when he breathes through his mouth. He takes in a shaky breath and decides to hold it for now. His shoulders relax somewhat at the relief it provides. He continues on the path until he reaches the end, stopping under next to the sign that holds their family name.

The sight before him should bother him more than it does, it really should. And yet…

There she lays on her side while she reaches for the stairs leading up to the front door of their home. Blood pools next to her, coming out of every crevice in her head. She’s stopped moving but somehow, Dmitri can hear the quiet, shallow breathing that struggles to come out of her mouth. If she hears him approach, she either doesn’t care or no longer has the strength to move her head. He crouches down beside her, looking down at her face as blood drips out of her mouth. She glances at him and tries to say something but all that comes out is a shaky breath along with a soft rattling sound. He almost laughs at her, he wants to laugh at her but he can’t bring himself to. He says nothing as he stares at her, his expression blank. She was always pale but she’s nearly translucent now. If she were more lucid, she’d surely be throwing a fit over the blood on her skin and all over her clothing. She almost looks… guilty as her dual-colored eyes stare up at him or perhaps he’s simply deluding himself. It’s just distress from not being able to meet her goal, confusion as to why it’s her dying on the cold ground and not him. But he has little time to dwell on it because only a moment later, those eyes go blank as she lets out a final breath. Her body goes slack and he’s left by himself in the dark.

#i can't remember who writes and who doesn't so if i forgot someone i'm so sorry 😭#anyway. i haven't written much in a while but i'm kinda proud of this >:) i think i'm improving? idk i don't hate it jfdksl #i might post the whole thing when im done if anyone would be inch rested...#my ocs #dmitri #nina

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seokmashu · 11 months

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our jeju tangerine~ 🍊

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saintlesbian · 5 months

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as for the rest of the ep…

Chalynn truthers we won. we fucking won 🍾🍾🍾

Lois trying to talk Ned into making peace w/ Michael and Drew sounds REAL funny knowing that drew and Michael r still planning on pushing him out of ELQ again. fuck those two forever actually, y’all can make peace in hell

speaking of drewfus, I wish I could be glad he’s leaving but it’s not for very long and crew is gonna be annoying abt it I’m sure. this version of drew is such a shell of himself that anytime hes brought up I just feel disgusted 😖

I’m getting tired of Sonny bringing up Carly when talking to nina it just feels WEIRD… I really don’t wanna see a Carson reunion but it’s starting to feel like the pikeman/cyrus bs might end up being the catalyst for one… sonaritas should we be worried. 😟

also Tolly agreeing to use krissy as the surrogate… wasn’t there literally a whole argument against doing this months back that resulted in tolly icing krissy out for several weeks…? once again I must assert this whole surrogate storyline is a load of barnacles

#pentababbles #general hospital #I’m happy abt the proposal :) but I also feel like they kinda did this so they could be married b4 Gregory croaks #still! taking my wins where I can! their scenes today were sweet and I liked it 👍#i know ned has beef w/ nina over the SEC thing but. once he finds out Michael knew and STILL tried to push him out of ELQ #nina should be the least of his worries. since let’s face it drew earned that prison sentence 😅 and it’s not a crime to report a crime!#the bensons r just mad they had to face even the mildest of consequences for their actions tbh #drew goin to Australia tho like. take joss and Carly w/ u I don’t wanna see them again either #have joss spend time w/ her Aussie father or something I just can’t take her anymore #also the fact that he’s leaving for Christmas so Michael doesn’t have to… bro I hate him so much #bro you just got out of PRISON how about you spend time with your DAUGHTER that you PROMISED to be there for you ASSHOLE #and with drew going away… PLEASE I don’t want a Carson retread please please please #like I find crew annoying and meaningless but at least they’re over in their own corner. but I was actually starting to like Sonny #a Carson retread is just gonna make him suck again 😞#cannot stand the surrogate storyline and tolly is nothing to me anymore but w/e I can deal with it.#however if they really are setting up the surrogate arc to be an angst backdrop for kraze… burned-lariat go get them royalty checks I stg 🤣#but yea that’s my thoughts! story feels discombobulated as ever but we soldier on iguess

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sc3n3kitt3h · 2 years

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MALL DATE REDRAW!!

#funky cool art #eyestrain #maybe idk #creepypasta #ninajane #janenina #jane the killer #nina the killer #i hope u guys like this one!!!!!!! ninajane fans make some noise!!!! all 5 of you!!!!!!!!!#anyways i replayed 0nesh0t recently!!! it made me cry (again)#im also SUPER SUPER SUPER excited 4 the ul/tk update!!!!!! i cant wait!!!!! literally!!!!!!!!#i replayed all the levels 3 times today!!!!!!! im an impatient little shit!!!!!!!!!#wrath n heresy....... so cool #im especially excited 4 heresy cuz im goin in TOTALLY BLIND like most ppl are probably #im probably gonna play MORE later cuz im fucking crazy #ive also been getting into h0ll0w kn1ght recently!! my fave is myl4 i miss her :(#AND CL0TH!!!!!!! i miss cl0th too #anyways ul/tk!!!!!!#i p-ranked every leven except for hall of sacred remains because i kinda hate it.#*level #not the hide0us mass tho i love u hide0us mass <3333!!!#im gonna stop talking now cuz this is getting rlly long!!!!!! bye gamerz

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lecliss · 10 months

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Brooo Flay sucks sooo much. I was worried she was gonna be like Shirley but then she decided to be racist AND like Shirley. Get this bitch off that fucking ship. Just eject her ass.

#the shirley/faly archetype is doomed to suck major fucking ass and frankly good cuz i hate shirley #and ya know. considering i now know this is made by sunrise. are we sure CG isnt just SEED 2.0?#flay's also kinda like nina too. nina and shirley seem to be like if you split flay in half from what ive seen far #*so far #im also sad sai had like a microagression moment towards lacus. i really really liked sai up until that comment of his #i legit screamed cuz i was so disappointed in him #i for real was all like. flay and sai need to break up cuz she doesnt deserve him. and then like 30 secs later sai made that comment #and i was like 😶 spoke too soon #HOLD ON WAIT. I SEE A THUMBNAIL FOR A FUTURE EPISODE THATS LITERALLY FLAY KISSING KIRA #GET FUCKING PROTO SHIRLEY OFF THIS FUCKING SHIP HOLY FUCKING SHIT I HATE HER EVEN MORE NOW!!!!#CAN SHE DIE LIKE SHIRLEY TOO? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE???? GO THE WAY OF THE SHIRLEY AND GET KILLED OFF BY A CUTE YANDERE BOY MAYBE????#manifesting flay's death rn. plz. i know the spoilers from the relationship charts but im still gonna hold out hope anyway #a man can dream at least #personal

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twiggyisnotdead · 1 year

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the shadow and bone series got me LOVING kaz and inej and nina and matthias and HATING whatever the fuck they have done to jesper and wylan

#where is my ‘just girls?’ ‘no not just girls’#no but i’m actually very upset guy’s #it means we won’t get the fake first kiss with Kuwei #it means i didn’t get to see them banter and kinda just piss each other off for longer #their banter is gone #they didn’t spent enough time building up their relationship!#there needs to be a foundation!#i am actually my so upset about this #i hate them i hate them i hate them #but love them for kaz and inej and nina and matthias they got them down on lock <3

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gouinisme · 1 year

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my sister made me watch shadow and bone i didnt expect to like it and yet

#first of all loved the costume design #the costume design is SO GOOOOOD #i mean i dont know that much about costume design but god #i was unsettled by their coats being called kefta the whole time cuz that's just the arabic word for ground meat i'm pretty sure #i was like. a caftan? is that what you mean? please just say a caftan i cant keep thinking about ground meat #the embroidery <3 #the cohesive diversity of the costumes <3 #it all felt very.. real? like the costumes felt immersive #the darkling was unbearable i hated the way he spoke i dont even care that [redacted] i wanted him to die the whole time for being annoying #baghra i love you inej i love you alina i love you mal i love you #jesper u were annoying at first but u kinda grew on me #nina and matthias i love you #i've only seen S1 for now and i dont think i'll watch S2 right now

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crowshoots · 5 months

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also smth about s2 that does feel like the writers trying to shoehorn the crows together but man.... some of the lines it feels like kaz cares more about nina than he does jesper

#i kinda hate the fuckin 'theres five of us' and 'what you did tonight makes u a crow' lines but like #man.................. idk. idk. just feels like he likes ninas company more than he does jesper when nina and kaz BULLY EACH OTHER #i mean. jesper and kaz do too but idk.#i also just realized there is literally more content of nina and kaz interacting in s2 than kaz and jesper in s2 i think. weeps.#what about my go-to-therapy-please guys #NOT TO SAY KAZ DOESNT CARE ABT NINA. not to say that but like. esp in s2 when he literally Just met her

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devilbrakers · 1 year

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OC DUALITY

was tagged by @morvaris to take this uquiz for my ocs >:) thank you nico this was super fun!!

tagging: @numbaoneflaya @time-is-a-lake @aartyom @nuclearstorms @girlbosselrond @druidgroves @malefiicarum @swordcoasts @aldcaldos @sufferthorn @steelport @calenhads @lavinet and anyone else who’d like to join in !!

you and the hat man

oh boy you're fighting demons aren't you? it's like you're in a constant staring competition with something that's always in the peripheral. what the fuck. (at least, that's how people who don't know you would react). at this point you've probably gotten pretty familiar with the hat man. he's a reliable kind of guy. keeps to himself, sure, but you can trust him to be there. maybe a haunting isn't too bad if it's never left your side. you can only imagine what it will be like when he's not there any more.

god-hungry scientist and their abominable child

you stitched something together inside of yourself and gave it life with light from the sky and now it won't die and you can't kill it because part of you loves it and you're not quite right in the head or the person you used to be but at the end of the day it's simply a beast of sadness. you crave the mercy you didn't get from your creators and so i'm telling you please forgive yourself. please hold the monster by the hand.

moon curse of the werewolf

you have found yourself hungered or sickened or ambitious to the point of emotional carnage. you are fine, until you're not, and then you could rip someone in your way apart with your bared teeth by complete accident, and later claw at yourself in fits of pain trying to apologize. do you look at the moon that blessed you in her name, at her marred beauty and baneful eyes, and wish she could just crush that loving-hateful heart of yours before it crushes itself? every bite you take out of flesh is a response to the threads of silver bullets in you that haven't healed. the duality is that the human inside is howling too, gnashing, and without the wolf pelt, everyone can ignore it and turn away. at some point, you got tired of the moon being your only witness. now the wolf is there to make sure others know that you are hurt, and deserving of humanity, of attention to wounds. because that wolf loves you; all of you; and knows when you are hurt better than yourself.

#feel free to ignore this if you want !! idk how many people have already been tagged fjsdkl #anyway. going to be annoying abt this in the tags now <3 #the main thing that gets me abt gray's is the 'maybe a haunting isn't too bad if it's never left your side'#like????? ik the hat man thing is probs supposed to be funny and it kinda is but it fits them so well #almost everyone close to them has died or left them atp but maybe it isn't so bad. just to have one constant #dmitri :| yeah. yeah #everything he felt he had to become to save his sister who was dead the whole time anyway but ended up being a better survival tactic anyway #so he just stuck with it until he died but then he comes back as a demon and now he has to live with what he did forever #i don't think he really could ever forgive himself. mainly for failing nina but it's started to eat him alive less and less over the years #mainly bc he does everything he can not to think about it too much but he also doesn't really want to totally get rid of that part of #himself. the part that was capable of torturing and killing all those people bc it really was powered by love and desperation to some extent #and that proves that maybe he has some shred of humanity left even if she's been gone for decades now #not that he does shit like that anymore. but he's capable and willing to for those he loves even if they'd probably hate him for it #and miko's :(#yeah #lashing out at people when it gets to be too much which is often given the life that she lives and then beating herself up for it nonstop #but it's also a way to protect herself and even tho she died young it got her pretty far #and it helped her protect other people (mainly gray and blake) when it came down to it because she couldn't stand seeing them hurt either #idk if i articulated myself v well but yeah jfdsklfdjs my dmc gang are all my blorbos #my ocs #tag #gray #dmitri #miko

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seokmashu · 11 months

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omg nina look!!! he'a a cupid!!

i'm looking!!! 🏹😵💘

#lowkey he looks kinda pissed #but i don't hate that either 😏#LOL #also i wonder if the red ribbon is supposed to represent the red string of fate?#seok matthew #zb1 #zerobaseone #nina answers #riri 🌛

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burned-lariat · 1 year

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What was the last GH storyline that was built up to have high stakes and it didn’t fall through?

Truth be told, any of the ones from the last year would qualify. I think the most recent one that flamed out before the IP story would be...I'll say the Hook story.

Very few characters died, and only one or two of them had some presense on the canvas.

They kept changing who it was meant to be and kept it going for way too long.

The idea that Trina would've been a Final Girl, which was exciting, was dropped in exchange for the Hook to actually be hyperfocused on Joss because writer favoritism.

The ending itself was actually fairly intriguing with Heather/Ryan against Ava/Felicia, but the other parts of it (like GirlPeter) I could do without and sucked the air out of it.

#general hospital #asks - gh #i would've said nina/willow & sonny/michael but those are kinda still...going #i promise you anon - the writers hate good conclusions and following through on stakes #the last good 'ending' thing was bailouise IMO

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zevranunderstander · 1 year

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finally got all my friends in the same room to watch shadow and bone season 2, like half of the people knew the books but i constantly had to explain that i didnt *hate* jesper, and that in fact, he's my favorite character of the story, nor that i think the actor is doing a bad job at playing him, but seeing his character being intentionally modified so he's more appealing to the audience made me mad on levels only percievable by shrimp

like. they speed up his romance arc by 1000% so that people can talk about how This Show Has Gay People In It, and basically taking any competence his character has and making him the dumbest dude in any room, with no critical thought in his brain, so that People Can Explain Plot Points To Him 24/7, and making him the constant comic relief and revealing his like. BIG secret before the actual Six of Crows story starts. and kind of giving him character development about his secret so early on, in a moment that has no real personal stakes to him, and at that he gets convinced by an *invented* character that he should not hide the secret? wild

#myposts #idk. i LIKED shadow and bone but i am a htaer about some choices #because maybe im wrong and they will rock this #but i think it was a huge mistake to do so many changes to the crows storyline #JUST so that the other storyline feels more interesting #because. these things have MASSIVE stakes when they happen in the books.#like. kaz taking down rollins is like. embedded in layers and layers of context and story #inej fighting for her freedom is just like. Instantly resolved? well then WHAT are her stakes in the story anymore?#like. they start into season 3 AKA the season where the six of crows plot only STARTS #with some character development they have in mid-crooked kingdom #aka..... close to the end of their character arcs?#like. sure there still is a lot of backstory to uncover. but. the crows WHOLE THING is that theyre the underdogs no one would bet on #like. theyre 6 weird nobodies who all kinda are mean to each other who against all odds make it #like. for that it was ... actually good that kaz still didn't own a club and that there was a huge gang boss as a threat #and inej was constricted by being owned property etc etc etc #i think the characters theyll do best are nina and wylan and MAYBE matthias #but i already HATED that they removed the... wolf scene and instead made him... NOT fight the wolves.#like. what a cop out to one of the most gruesome scenes in the first book?#but i also hated that this had implications for his character that now just dont exist in the show?#hm.#also back to the underdogs thing. that kinda doesnt WORK if theyre besties with like. the rulers of a huge nation #and have like 100s of other powerful friends somewhere. like. they don't HAVE that in the book

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thisismeracing · 2 months

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Your time | LH44

― Pairing: Lewis Hamilton x singer!reader ― Warnings: mentions of cheating; lots of rumors about lewis being an a*hole; mentions of juliana nalu and shakira, but all fictional. ― Summary: A couple months after the biggest breakup in the F1 paddock, your song gets leaked and the internet uproars about your relationship again. This time they have more ammunition than ever to feed the narrative that Lewis Hamilton cheated on you. Are they right though? (based on this request).

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September, 2023

paddockgossip

liked by ynfan, haileybieber, and others

paddockgossip how would you guys feel if your man goes out with another singer and looks this cozy while you’re out there on tour working your ass off? 👀

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sunshineyn you know shits real when her friend hailey likes the post…

⤷ pinterestyln I thought the same

leclercnation you guys forgot to add that yn and shakira aren’t friends, were never seem together, couldnt bother to talk about one another, yet this is the second time we see her around lewis this week…

randuser @ yourusername bestie come get your man!

schumakatchau this looks oddly like a double date

raintyres GUYS HIS HAND PLACEMENT!!! HES HOLDING SHAKIRAS WAIST 😭😭😭😭

tomdayastan my girl Yn doesn’t deserve this

evansnature are you guys really that surprised? He’s a man, I expect anything from a man

January, 2024

February, 2024

f1wagsupdate

liked by pierregasly, mbappeworld, and others

f1wagsupdate According to our sources Yn Yln and Lewis Hamilton broke up ealier this month. There is not an official reason yet, but most fans believe that cheating was the cause of the downfall of the four-years-long relationship.

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user44 is true love even real?

gomezracing I hate it in here

drugobitch what if its because of the cheating rumors?

⤷ rand32 but why would she wait weeks after it?

likedbypgasly and so it goes the best wag of the paddock :(

mclarenmason did you guys see that thread someone made about Yn's looks on the paddock and her cheering for lew, and them matching sometimes *sobs into my hands*

yourusername

liked by roscoelovescoco, k.mbappe, and others

yourusername making music and enjoying some free time after touring 💞

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mbappeworld I wish Lewis and Kyllian weren’t friends bc I kinda ship him with Yn 😭

hailyebieber 😍😍😍😍

sza waiting for our collabbbbb! ❤️

⤷ ynfan the day these two write a song together is the day I’ll be stuck in my room crying for a week straight

ynnation She looks so relaxed, more than when she was with Lewis

hardtyres_ I wish I could be like this after being cheated on, when my ex did this to me I had to go to therapy for at least a year before going back on social media

⤷ agoradoja there’s no proof he cheated on her

⤷ winteryln sure, except for the hundreds of pics of him with singers and models 😍 but y’all taking it too serious, he was just friendly with them

⤷ agoradoja maybe he was just friendly, Lewis is famous, dare I say even more than Yn, so being friends with different famous people is part of his life.

⤷ bonoschumi I’ll have to agree with agoradoja, there’s nothing too incriminatinf, maybe we’re just trying to find a reason because we don’t accept that they fell out of love

⤷ leclercmcqueen she literally wrote “its just us against the world” for him, wdym they fell out of love????

bieberfantasy yeah but how about roscoe liking the post????? It's making me hopeful

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barrel-crow-n · 2 months

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The crows povs summarised

Kaz: Revenge. Vengeance. Violence. Hate. Jordie. Inej. Violence. Pain. Suffering. Revenge. Revenge. Fuck Van Eck. Jordie. Jordie. I fucking hate Pekka Rollins. Inej. Inej. Inej.

Inej: I'm strong now. I have a purpose again! I miss my parents :(. I hate slavers. I'm going to kill Kaz, but also he's super hot. I love my friends :). I love my parents. Suli proverbs. I am a badass. I hate Tante Heleen. I am going to carve out the hearts of Jan Van Eck and Pekka Rollins.

Jesper: Look at me! I'm so funny! I hate myself. Flirting. Kaz is hot as fuck. Wylan is kinda cute. Guns. I love my revolvers. I love being a criminal. I hate what I've become. I just want to make my da proud. Guilt. Guilt. Hey why are you looking past my funny exterior. Hey why are you doing that, please stop.

Wylan: I'm not a criminal. What am I doing here??? Fuck Kuwei. I hate my dad. Jesper's hot. I'm doing this for Inej; for my mother. Kaz is terrifying... but that's not going to stop me from mouthing off to him. I am good at demo thank you very much. But also I hate chemistry. How is this my life.

Nina: I am a badass grisha. Waffles. Food. Ravka. Matthias. I want to strangle Kaz. I want parem but also I hate it so much. I hate cravings. Grisha. I want Zoya's approval. Fuck Van Eck. I'm wracked with guilt over what I did to Matthias although it was to save his life. I'm broken. My powers are all wrong.

Matthias: Nina. Nina. Druskelle. Nina or the druskelle? I am a traitor :(. Djel. I have been practicing my religion wrong. I no longer want to be a part of a hate cult. Kaz is a demon. Inej is also a demon but I don't mind her as much. The grisha aren't that bad actually. Kaz is from hell. What the fuck is wrong with Kaz? These guys all need to go to military discipline.

#jesper's self hatred is so real #also kaz is... he's kaz #“whats wrong with him” “same thing that's always wrong with him. he's kaz brekker.”#also inej. slay queen. take them hearts <3 #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #jesper fahey #nina zenik #wylan van eck #matthias helvar #six of crows #grishaverse #six of crows duology

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the-sound-of-her-wings · 1 year

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hi! can i please request a kaz brekker x reader fic based off of episode 5 of season 2 (despise your heart)? when kaz panics in the market reader finds him and takes him somehwere safe and gives him his gloves, and in that moment kaz kinda of realizes how he feels about the reader. and then the poison fog the reader hallucinates about kaz and him finally making physical contact and giving her love and she thinks it’s real until someone shoves the antidote in her mouth, once she regains consciousness she rushes over to help kaz and kaz sees her pulling him out of the water and the readers just sitting there holding his face and anything else you wanna add !

if it’s a little complicated i understand, thank you have a great day :))

You were always in plain sight

❀ Word Count: 2,145 ❀ CW: Panic Attack, Discussions of Trauma, Pining, Admissions ❀ A/N: Added a few more scenes than requested. I hope you enjoy!

He’s going to panic, you think to yourself.

In fact, his body was already panicking, even if he wasn’t. Nina is too focused on the target's heart rate to notice, but Kaz’s heart rate has been slowly increasing ever since he took off the gloves.

You watch as the woman they were meeting with gets up, and Kaz goes to follow. Unfortunately, another woman immediately runs into him, spilling tea all over the front of him, and definitely accidentally touching him.

“Give me his gloves,” You whisper to Inej.

She hands them over silently. You put on your own set of gloves, a pair you keep on you in the event something like this happens.

Nina places her hand on top of Kaz’ and you watch the life drain from his face. And then he’s running.

“You follow the target. I’ve got him.” You say.

It doesn’t take you long to catch up to him, but by then he’s already completely disassociated and in complete panic. You take him by the arm, leading him to an empty alley, careful only to touch the clothed parts of his arm. Even with your hands in gloves, you are worried any kind of touch to his exposed hands will send him spiraling further.

He collapses to the ground in an unceremonious heap.

“You were supposed to follow her,” He says.

“Inej has it covered.” You reply, sitting down on the opposite side of the alley, a decent distance from him.

There’s a moment of silence before you add, “Someone had to follow you. You can’t be by yourself when your…” And you don’t know how to finish the sentence. Traumatized? Panicking? Having a PTSD flashback to an event you refuse to discuss with anyone? “...like this.”

It pains you to see him so deep in his own pain, so desperate to keep other people out of it. To keep you out of it. You place his gloves close to him, but far enough away that it doesn’t look like you’re trying to touch him.

He notices your gloves, “When did you-?”

“A while ago. There just in case-” And you cut yourself off with a sigh. In case this happened. “Do you want me to stay?”

Yes? Kaz thinks, but he’s still panicking too much to say anything. In fact, the thought sends him into even more of a panic, because he’s not ever had a thought like that before.

“I’ll be on the other side of the alley. We’ll regroup once you’ve had a chance to calm down.” You say, leaving him to decompress.

XXXXX

“Nina wants an explanation,” Inej tells you as you watch over Kaz from a distance. He’s finally come out of the worst of it and is now trying to act like nothing happened. It’s a behavior that you simply have never gotten used to, despite years by his side.

“Then tell her the truth.” You say.

“Which is?” Inej asks. She sometimes thinks you know more than she does, but that’s not really true. You both know exactly the same thing about Kaz- which is that Pekka Rollins killed his brother and that he absolutely cannot stand another person’s touch.

“He had a panic attack.” You reply. “She’s not going to tell the others, is she?”

“No. But I think Jesper should know. He hates it when we leave him out of the loop.” Inej states.

“I think I’m going to try to talk to him this time. See what else is going on.” You say, watching as Kaz sits down, clearly deep in thought.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“I didn’t think you’d be happy about that idea.” You say, cleaning the dirt from under your nails.

“He will open up when he’s ready.” Inej tries to reassure you.

“We both know he’d never be that vulnerable.”

“Then why ask?” She asks.

So I know how to fix it.

“Let’s just get this over with, shall we? The world isn’t going to save itself.” You state, heading towards Kaz and the rest of the group to figure out the plan. Maybe you’ll ask him once all of this over.

XXXXX

“We should talk about what happened in the market.” You say, sitting on his desk.

“Must we?” Kaz replies, lowering the newspaper he had been reading to meet your gaze.

“Yes.”

He set the paper aside, making his way over to you. He towers over you in a way he’s never done before, closer than he’s ever been. “What do you want to know?”

“I want to know what happened.”

“You saw what happened,” He says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“I want to know why, Kaz.” You respond.

“Why?” He retorts. Is he flirting with you or just trying to get under your skin?

“I want to fix it. Or prevent it or- I don’t know! I just. I never want to see you like that again. I don’t want to see you suffer.”

“It won’t happen again,” He reassures you, a gloved hand coming up to caress your face. You block it with the back of your forearm.

“Won’t it? Jesper told me what happened when you got thrown in that cart together. I watched as you tried not to panic while helping Inej clean her wounds. Do you think I can’t sense your heart rate when people get too close to you? That I don’t know exactly how your body reacts? Who hurt you so badly that you can’t even be physically near another person without wanting to vomit?” You ramble, letting out all of the questions and feelings you’ve been holding inside for all of these years.

“Pekka Rollins” He replies, the answer he gave you before. It’s always been the answer, and in some ways, it really is the truth.

“Kaz… I just want you to let me in. You carry so much inside of you that you let nobody see. But I want to see it… I want to understand.” You say, and you want to reach out and hug him but you know he can’t receive that kind of affection.

But then he does something you aren’t excepting. Slowly, he begins to remove his gloves. He sets them on the fireplace, one by one. One of his ungloved hands traces its way up the side of your neck and rests on your cheek. You gasp at his touch.

And then you are staring into each other’s eyes, into each other’s souls. Like you’ve always seen each other- like you’ve always known. Kaz plays his cards close to his chest, but you don’t. Nina has teased you for it relentlessly.

When he kisses you, you can’t believe this is happening. It’s perfect. These are things he would only do in dreams. These are things he would only say in dreams. These are…

“This is a dream,” Kaz tells you, or rather, the Kaz of your imagination tells you as he ends the kiss.

“I know” You reply, opening your eyes.

You see Inej hunched over you and taste something disgusting in your mouth.

“We were poisoned. Go to the door- Wylan will give you another antidote.” She says before leaving to go wake up Jesper.

You crawl your way to the door, still feeling the lingering effects of the poison. “Wylan. Antidote?” You croak.

Once you are given the butterfly, you make your way over to Kaz, the only person still under the effects of the poison.

XXXXX

Kaz is confused. He wakes up, back on that mountain of bodies in the river, but his brother is alive.

“Jordie?” He asks, confused.

His brother stares at him, full of rage. Without a word, he begins to drown him. Just when Kaz has almost lost all of his oxygen, his brother pulls him back out from under the water.

“Who are you without your vengeance?” Jordie yells.

“Kaz. Wake up” You say, one gloved hand cupping the side of his face, the other moving his jaw to try to force him to chew. He can’t hear you.

“What is the worth of life if you have no one left to fight for?” Jordie asks, before plunging him under the water again.

“Kaz” You repeat, and he hears you this time. “You’re going to be alright”

You come into focus in a water gaze, the remnants of the poison still giving a dreamlike quality. It takes him a few moments to realize that it’s no longer a hallucination and that both of your hands are on his face. Gloved hands.

You pull your hands away from his face as soon as you see him come out of it.

“Sorry,” You say.

You don’t have to apologize, he thinks.

XXXXX

“Kaz, a word?” You say, wanting to get him alone. You’ve obtained the Neshyenyer and are getting ready to head to East Ravka.

He nods in acknowledgment while the others in the room make no effort to leave.

“Alone.” You add, so the others get the picture.

Everyone exchanges suspicious glances with one another except Kaz, who is only looking at you. Nina winks as she passes you on her way out of the room. You resist the urge to roll your eyes.

You position yourself by the door, a good five feet away from him, in order to respect his boundaries. The boundaries that you’ve consistently had to cross recently to protect him.

“What do you need?” He asks.

“Are you okay?” You ask.

Of course he isn’t, but you want him to admit that. You suspect he’ll respond with something defensive, something clever, something like “Why wouldn’t I be okay?” or “Why does it matter?” or “We have a job to do”. For it to be like the dream.

“Are you?” He responds.

“No. And I’m getting a little tired of pretending I am.” You answer honestly. The difference between you, and all the other crows, and hell, everyone else that you interact with, is that you aren’t emotionally repressed. You don’t hide it under a sense of revenge, don’t mask it with a face of no emotion, and don’t keep your true thoughts and feelings hidden under a veil of humor. He told you it was a weakness, once.

“You’re still wearing the gloves.” He comments.

You glance down at your gloved hands and then back at him. “So I am.”

“You don’t have to do that for me.” You don’t have to do anything for me, He thinks.

“I know.” You say, “I just don’t want to hurt you.”

There is a long silence as you look at each other, not really sure what to say.

“I wanted you to stay,” He states, looking away from you. Almost as if he’s ashamed that he’s allowing himself to be this vulnerable. “When you asked me in the alley… I wanted you to stay.”

You feel your breath catch in your throat at the admission. Maybe the poison-induced hallucination wasn’t too farfetched after all.

“I’ll stay.” You take a step towards him, still unsure of his boundaries. Still unsure how close or far you can get without causing him pain.

“Will you tell me why?” You ask. I can’t help you through something when I don’t know why it causes you pain.

“I don’t know if I can,” It’s the first genuine answer you’ve gotten out of him in a long time.

“When we were poisoned I- you were in my hallucination,” You admit, taking a few more steps closer to him.

“What happened in your hallucination?” He asks. Throughout this, he’s made no effort to move from his seat at the table, but his heartbeat has become steadily faster, stronger.

“I was angry at you- but you seemed to understand why. And you took your gloves off and touched me and- that’s how I knew it wasn’t real.” You reply. “What did you hallucinate?” You add, not wanting him to ruminate on your confession too long.

“My brother was drowning me,” He states.

“I’m sorry,” You say, reflexively.

“He asked me, ‘What is the worth of life if you have no one left to fight for?’ and then I saw you,” You’ve never seen him sheepish before- vulnerability doesn’t exactly suit him.

“Oh,” You breathe. “So what now?”

“We go to East Ravka.”

“Right,” You say, trying not to let the disappointment show in your voice. “Time to save the world. Again.”

“We’re not saving it. We’re just getting paid.” Kaz responds.

You steel yourself, trying not to beat yourself up for thinking you were finally getting somewhere. That this would be anything more than words.

"After. We will discuss us after." He adds, quelling your doubt. "We still have a job to do."

You nod.

"I'm here if you need me." You say, turning to leave.

"I know," Kaz replies.

#kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x you #kaz brekker x y/n #kaz brekker x gn!reader #aspiring thanatologist writes #title is pulled from the lyrics of only you lonely you by andrew lloyd webber

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