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expressingfeelingsforthe1sttime · 11 months

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This is gonna be a message for my ex which really I struggled in expressing but for the first time in history, With all the days I never even wanted to express and talk about my feelings about it , now I finally can without being overly depressed and overly emotional because the weight is just too much and it definitely drained me when we're still together. Whether he reads this or not its ok. I just needed to share my thoughts and my sincerest apologies, and the first time I was able to come out and express it wholeheartedly and clearly.

I used to be half assed about it but. Damn this didnt even require mental effort to write it just all came flowing like a river 😆 but this is a blunt one.

no sugar.

Why I didn't do this before had to do with so much drama and misunderstandings that never ended between the two of us.

Here are my thoughts about it. I've pondered for days searching for answers but failed to do so until I searched within myself which really made me really realize my true innermost feelings and thoughts without any biases, confusion and heavy emotions. Despite of seeking answers in the wrong places. I wish I had listened to my inner voices earlier and didn't overthink too much. Aside from that I have learned a bit more and much more afterwards. Guess people really learn but the progress might be slow.

Now true for everyone but I mean in my case.

So here it is

Post-breakup thoughts

Im sorry If I havent really fully trusted you Sorry If I cant trust you in things that had given me so much to worry about which had nothing to do with you but it was my anxiety, and I can't help it Im sorry if I cant believe whatever you tell me, sorry if I felt like I couldn't take time to think before I say something or do

I became mentally paralyzed and depressed as I felt like you invalidated my feelings for a long time but maybe we just don't get each other and we have different values and things we wanted just doesn't fit and we weren't really on the same page and its okay cause everyone is different and its okay to be different, I mean I wish you knew how frustrating it felt when I find myself to believe on what you believe.

But I know we tried to work things out.. uhh and thats what relationship is all about. Right?

Sorry if i couldn't make efforts to be more reliable as a partner that you wanted me to be But I never really wanted to feel things this way because I'm just scared of everything that I see in our relationship, I'm scared that things in the past might happen again at our time.

But by simply thinking about it just ruin everything but I realized that my thoughts were to blame for it.

I acted so badly and had treated you so badly.

I just know deep down that I'm scared of losing my happiness that I found in you,I fell so hard, deeply and profoundly.

I wasn't lonely when we met but I just realized that I just wanted to be with you and thats all and I wished I had done things right but Im just losing my mind and self-control which frustrated me.

I just can't be the one for you I guess because of the way I see relationships and it scares me.

I'm just not ready for commitments and everything I do just doesn't make sense when Im in a relationship, but I don't know if I can say atleast I tried because I haven't really done so much.

I just wanted to say I'm really sorry If this all happened.

I mean not that I made a lot of mistakes but learned the hard way that it takes a lot of courage to own up to things.

Im aware of all of this. I really didn't want to say goodbye, I really didn't want to go on and move forward, I was really happy even things weren't good but It was one of the best and I think about each times as just as neutral as it is cause I don't really regret letting you be a part of my life but anyway despite all of that, I know you did so much for me and had given me hope, and it hurts because holding on to us has hurt me more than ever and I am really upset that it had to end this way and I agree that its really painful and It hurts to hold on while we're still together thinking of the worst.

It feels like everything has fallen apart between us and everything went downhill and I'm just at the same time grateful because I needed to feel all of this to come to this point and I'm finally free at last. And thats what I where I want to be despite wishing that things were different or could be but It is what it is.

I've never written anything like this before throughout the relationship. I always thought I'd never end up writing something at all because for all the times we spent, I was just totally confused and things were never clear on my side.

It just felt as if I couldn't really express how I feel either and it seemed like this was the first time in our whole relationship that I did. But I'm not sure why right now that I could. Now I can think rightly.

Soooo yes .. All I can say is that... Well, uh I can clearly think and say what I want without second-guessing my words and thoughts which I really struggled when we were still in a relationship. I didn't really lose myself in the relationship, RATHER I found myself and knew myself better lol if thats the cause well I used to fear losing myself but thats old news.Atleast now I better know what I want and need. I just opened my eyes completely to what it was, than what I thought it was nothing to be upset or anything.

I'm such a fool to fall for my doubts. What I used to long for, no longer was to long about.

I didn't ever want to ever position myself into this place but this is necessary like its just meant to happen.

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holden-caulfield · 3 years

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Because She's Worth It

↪︎ 𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

Summary: reader's friends find out about her secret relationship with Draco Malfoy.

Warnings: none, just a terribly written ending.

Word Count: 1428

"Watch where you're going, traitor." said your so-called friend Harry as he bumped into your shoulder without even looking you in the eyes.

He had a reason to be mad at you, just not a good one in your opinion. You had been dating the slytherin prince for quite some time now, but you had decided to keep your relationship a secret, afraid of the judgement of your friends. After the recent events, rightfully so.

They had found out a thursday morning: the gryffindors had transfiguration with the slytherins and once the lesson was over, Crabbe and Goyle thought it would have been funny to pick on you and the golden trio. You reacted with your usual snarky remarks to put them in their place but what surprised you was that Draco had intervened and told them to stop. The action shocked everyone, including himself. You looked at him with an alarmed look and he played it off with a quick comment,

"Why even bothering with these nullities? Just you wait and they'll realize they don't belong here." Crabbe and Goyle laughed at the statement as if it was the greatest joke to have ever been told and you sighed in relief.

"If there's someone who doesn't belong here, it's you, Malfoy!" spat Harry, still set on arguing.

"Let's just go away." you whispeded, trying to stop Harry and Draco from starting something everyone would have regretted. Hermione grabbed Harry and Ron but Harry didn't budge, instead he took a step closed to Draco.

"What's up Malfoy? Not in the mood to bully anyone today?" said Ron. Draco visibly stiffened and you could tell he was trying very hard not to tell them off there and then but he knew you wouldn't have appreciated it. Crabbe and Goyle got closer too, feeling surprisingly feisty that day.

"Why don't you listen to your stupid girlfriend and go away?" at Goyle's comment, Draco's eyes began burning.

"I am not his girlfriend!" you objected, but Goyle wasn't done yet.

"Whatever, why don't you shut your stupid mouth and use it for something more useful, like-"

"Why don't you shut your mouth before I make you!" spat Draco, grabbing Goyle's robe's lapels in his hands.

"What?" Goyle looked legitimately terrified as he asked the question, but Draco kept his eyes trained on him and didn't move. You placed your hand on Draco's shoulder and he suddenly seemed to realize what he had just done.

"Don't you ever talk to her like this." he released Goyle and he immediately backed away. The trio's gazes were fixed on you as you gently took Draco's hand in your own, knowing that you wouldn't have been able to keep the secret any longer anyway. He cast a worried glance at you and you squeezed his hand, reassuring him.

"Malfoy, really?" asked Ron poisonously. You opned your mouth to explain everything, but he stormed off, followed by Harry and Hermione. She gave you a comforting look, meaning she would have talked with them, but you had a bad feeling about this and you were right.

It had already been a week since the episode and you still hadn't talked with Harry nor Ron. They ignored you everytime and you were getting quite frustrated. You were sad because you missed your friends but you were also angry because you thought they would have at least given him a chance. You also felt a little bit of guilt, but that feeling was immediately sent away with Draco's loving kisses and sweet words to reassure you you hadn't done anything wrong. Luckily, Hermione gave you a chance: you told her everything and she understood you, she didn't necessarily approve of Draco, but she knew he made you happy and that was enough.

After a week of not talking you thought they would be up to listen to you, but when you tried talking with them in the corridors, they simply bumped into you.

"Watch where you're going, traitor." you felt your heart break a little, you couldn't believe your best friends were treating you that way. Draco's hand was interlaced with your own but when he saw the look in your eyes after the encounter, he knew he had to do something and not just stay there and watch you getting hurt over and over again by your friends' silence. He broke the contact and strode over to Harry and Ron, placing himself in front of them. A deep scowl was plastered on both of their faces, but Draco's own frown was even deeper. You rushed up to them, fearing the worst, but instead of hexing them, Draco started talking:

"Listen here kow, Potter. You don't like me and I don't like you and I never will. I've done dreadful things to you and many others of this school, some of them I don't regret. I know I don't deserve your pity, but that incredible witch right there does. She saw something in me that I didn't even know was there. She makes me a better person by simply existing and gracing me with her presence and you are a complete and utter fool to voluntarily cut her out of your life merely because she gave me a chance. She deserves to be happy and I feel incredibly lucky knowing she chose me over anyone else, I will do everything in my power to make sure she is content, even if this means talking to you or even pleading you. Because she's worth it. So if you decide you still wish to be a touchy downright prat, at least have the decency to respect her or I'll make you regret it."

Draco's love words were laced with venom as he glared at Harry and Ron who were now staring back at him, mouth agape. He waited a few moments before interweaving your hands back together and resuming his path towards the slytherin common room. When the two of you arrived there and closed the door behind you, you immediately threw your arms around him, almost making him tumble down. He held you close to him, one hand on you low back and the other holding your head. You pulled away only to crash your lips on his, your hands cradling his face as if he could disappear. He kissed you back passionately until you both had to pull away to breathe.

"Should I lash out more often? Because so far I'm loving the consequences." he said with his usual smirk as you both rested your foreheads against each other. You rolled your eyes and gave him a quick peck on the nose.

"Idiot."

"I'm profoundly offended!" he feigned hurt, slightly receding from you.

"No, come here! I want to grace you with my presence!" you retorted with a playful pout on your lips.

"Oh shut up." he grabbed you by the waist and held you flush against his chest, reconnecting your lips once more before settling on the green couch in front of the fireplace.

You spent the night in Draco's dorm just like you had done many times before and got ready to head to the great hall for breakfast. You and Draco walked into the hall, his arm slung around your shoulders. You saw your friends sitting at the gryffindor table, but quickly avoided eye contact. Despite that, they noticed you and made their way towards you.

"Can we talk, y/n?" asked Ron, nodding towards the door you had just walked in from. You nodded 'yes' and led them outside.

"We're sorry, y/n." began Harry. Hermione slightly nudged Ron with her elbow.

"Yeah, we're sorry, y/n. We behaved like complete gits." added Ron ruefully.

"I think someone else here deserves your apologies..." you suggested and Draco raised his brow at you before smirking lightly.

"We're not going to apologize to Mal-" Hermione nudged Ron again, a bit harder this time, and Ron immediately changed his mind.

"We're sorry, Malfoy, I guess." said Ron annoyed. You raised your eyebrow at Harry who scoffed before adding, "yeah, sorry."

"And I think that someone else should apologize too." Draco's complacency was soon replaced by a look of confusion as you looked up at him expectanctly. He rolled his eyes in annoyance before muttering, "I'm sorry but I still loathe you"

"Likewise." stated Harry before you pulled all your friends in a tight hug. You pulled away and gripped Draco's hand.

"Can we go now? I'm starving." admitted Ron and you all made you way towards the great hall.

#draco malfoy #draco x you #draco x y/n #draco x reader #draco imagine #draco lucius malfoy #dracotok #harry potter #fanfiction #fandom #fantasy #fanfic #fluff #draco malfoy fluff #funny #magic #angst

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mycatshuman · 4 years

Text

I Against Me

Past Platonic Anxciet

Warnings: angst, just a whole lot of angst.

Didn't proof read so here you go.

"Tell me why you're holding me back

Tryna push me off the right track

And I'm wishing so bad you would leave me alone

Why you're blurring out my vision

So I'd go make the wrong decision

But I know that you'll never be gone"

---------

Virgil and Janus used to be good friends. Really good friends. The kind of friends who would do anything for each other. But their friendship grew to be unhealthy. Toxic even. And when Janus "Self-Care" Sanders asked Virgil if he could find any reason why they should continue to be friends, Virgil realized, then more than ever, that he had to let go. He loved Janus. He was one of the best friends he had ever had. And in the words of Brendon Urie: "If you love me let me go-" Virgil let Janus go.

That didn't make it hurt any less.

---------

"I'm blaming you that I've been cruel and mean to all my friends

Cuz I've become so rude and now another friendship ends

But now I started seeing clearer

I saw your face up in the mirror

Yes I'm the one to blame"

--------

Virgil shattered.

He knew it was his fault. Who else could have caused this. Janus was big on self-care. If he had issues, he went to see a therapist, but Virgil, oh Virgil, he wouldn't. Dare he say he couldn't? Therapy cost money, money that he couldn't really spare.

But he could have done better. He could have listened to Janus when he told him to get help. But he didn't. Why exactly, he didn't know. Stubborn? Lazy? Most likely. But he did try to keep his problems from Janus. Keep them tight to his chest. He couldn't burden others with his issues. He should have known better.

--------

"That's why I bang my head against the wall

Cuz I don't like myself at all

Wish that I could cut all the ties

And now my life is such a tragedy

Cuz I'm my biggest enemy

I can't look myself in the eyes

It's I against me

I against me

(I, Me... I)"

---------------

Virgil isolated himself. He thought it would help. He really did. It only succeeded in making himself feel lonely. So lonely that he didn't feel like he could ever reach out. He didn't feel like he could bring up events in his life. From time to time he did, on things he didn't feel alone in dealing with, but when he felt truly and utterly alone, he didn't reach out. He couldn't reach out. That eventually led to possibly one of the biggest mistakes in his life.

---------------

"I'm hurting everyone around me

And I'm regretting it profoundly

But I finally see that the reason is you

Another day another struggle

Because I'm always causing trouble

And I hate what you're making me do"

----------

Janus did not see their relationship as healthy. Virgil couldn't think of any reason for them to be friends other than he wanted to and he felt less lonely when talking to Janus. Even when he isolated himself, talking to Janus sometimes made him forget. But Virgil knew he was just being selfish. He was stifling Janus. Janus deserved a much better friend than Virgil could ever be.

And when Janus got cold feet, Virgil took over and let go. Better he deal with all the guilt than his friend. Ex-friend.

Self-loathing wasn't far behind.

----------

"I'm blaming you that I've been cruel and mean to all my friends

Cuz I've become so rude and now another friendship ends

But now I started seeing clearer

I saw your face up in the mirror

Yes I'm the one to blame"

-----------

Virgil had cried himself to sleep the night before, "to sleep on his thoughts" Janus had suggested, he ended up with a stuffy nose before finally falling asleep. He didn't think he would be able to cry anymore after it actually ended but he supposed things do always go the way you think they do. He didn't think he would be the one to actually leave. It was just one more thing for Vitgil to blame himself for. Maybe it wasn't exactly a healthy thing to do but, Virgil needed to realize the truth. This was his fault, no one else's. He was the one to make the friendship toxic. No one else but him. He was told to get help and he didn't. His dad and stepmother were right, he didn't know how to change.

-----------

"That's why I bang my head against the wall

Cuz I don't like myself at all

Wish that I could cut all the ties

And now my life is such a tragedy

Cuz I'm my biggest enemy

I can't look myself in the eyes

It's I against me"

--------------

Virgil had dealt with friendships end before. He really couldn't think of anyone he knew who had ever stayed his friend throughout his whole life. There were people who went and came back and then went again. There were people who were friends but more out of obligation like they were family or they had no else at the time and needed someone. Virgil had had a few friends throughout his lifetime but never really any best friends. At least not ones where it didn't seem one sided. He should have realized the ending of his friendship with Janus was going to hurt a whole lot more than the ones before.

--------------

"Me against I

A torturous battle

A one-sided fight

I'm willing to lose if it means

That I win in the end

Now the war is on

As we both collide

I just hope I will survive"

-----------

Virgil sat in his room. He couldn't go to his mom or aunt. He couldn't let them know what happened. He could deal with this on his own. There wasn't a rule that dealing with something on one's own required them to actually be able to handle the crushing weight of emotions pushing him down into the ground.

Movies sometimes depicted people talking to their siblings if they couldn't or didn't want to go to an adult when they were hurting. But his brother wouldn't understand and he couldn't trust him not to tell anyone. And his sister...well, he hadn't heard from her in a while. He wasn't sure why, if it was because she thought he had been in on it when their brother set up a group video call and added their mother or if it was because of the letter.

He had said things about their mom in the letter, hoping to get the 4 year silence between them to end, but maybe it was what he had confessed at the end of the letter that had stopped their communication. Maybe it wasn't the right idea to come out as Bi in a letter but how else was he supposed to be certain only his sister would hear?

Yes, Virgil was trying to distract himself from the events of earlier that morning by thinking of other things that upset him. Not healthy but it kept him from crying for the most part so he counted it as a win. Except nothing could ever seem like a win on that day. More like a consolation prize. Like, "Hey you woke up today! You get to breathe!" But eventually, he would have to let reality run him over.

-----------

"That's why I bang my head against the wall

Cuz I don't like myself at all

Wish that I could cut all the ties

And now my life is such a tragedy

Cuz I'm my biggest enemy

I can't look myself in the eyes

It's I against me"

---------------

Virgil often wondered what was wrong with him. Why some things didn't seem to make him react the ways others did. He really wished someone would just tell him everything that was wrong with him and why so he could fix it all. Most of the time when he tried to fix things he had messed up with before, he only ended up making things worse. It happened when he lived with his dad and now he was living with his mom.

He wanted to change. Really, he did. At least he thought so. But people were telling him he wasn't changing. And of course they had to be right. He really wasn't changing. He was just fooling himself into believing he was. And he had fooled other people into believing he was. His mom was right, he really was manipulative.

---------------

"Bang my head against the wall

Cuz I don't like myself at all (Ohh)

Wish that I could cut all the ties (Ohh)

And now my life is such a tragedy (It's I Against Me)

Cuz I'm my biggest enemy (Ohh)

I can't look myself in the eyes (Ohh)

It's I against me"

------------------

Maybe, Virgil thought. Maybe I'm not supposed to have friends. I don't deserve them and they deserve better than me. Tears spilled fast and heavy from Virgil's eyes. Maybe I was just meant to be alone.

------------------

"I against me

I against me"

---------------

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notoriousquil · 4 years

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A Letter to an Old Best Friend: Cherishing What Was

Dear C,

Life has a way of weaving intricate patterns that shape our connections in ways both expected and unforeseen. Some bonds flourish with time, while others slip through our fingers, leaving behind a trail of longing and regret. Friendship, a tapestry woven from curiosity and shared experiences, is a chapter in the story of our lives that remains etched in our hearts. The moments we've shared, the laughter, the tears, and the unspoken understanding, are too profound to be brushed aside. I refuse to feign oblivion to a connection that meant the world to me. Losing you wasn't just a fleeting loss; it felt like a part of me was missing.

The path we once walked together has diverged, finding its place in the annals of the past. I'm in awe of your ability to move forward, unburdened by the weight of what we were. Your resilience is inspiring, my dear old friend. Our bond held a special place in my heart, and I treasure the time we spent together. As I reflect on those days, I can't help but wish I could have been a better friend, a more attentive listener, a stronger communicator.

Memories of our three years together flood my mind, an eternity condensed into moments. Our laughter, our secrets, the way we navigated life side by side—it felt like we were writing our own story, across lifetimes and chapters. Yet, some parts remained hidden, unshared. Others stepped into our lives to fill the gaps, bridging what was left unsaid. Now, as adults, the future whispers the possibility of our paths crossing again, a fresh canvas waiting to be painted. My expectations aren't pinned on reclaiming our past, for even initiating a conversation online feels like walking on fragile ground, afraid of saying the wrong thing. But our conversations, no matter how sporadic, have been a balm for the soul. If a day comes when you choose to step away, please know that my understanding comes from a place of love and respect.

Saying goodbye to a best friend is one of life's most profound lessons. Sometimes, the transition is felt in every fiber of our being; other times, it happens in the quiet moments, catching us by surprise. In your case, my heart is flooded with gratitude and love. It doesn't feel like a loss, for your presence remains woven into the fabric of my life. You're not just a friend; you're a soul sister who illuminated my path. And if our paths happen to cross unexpectedly, expect a smile that conveys the warmth of a thousand memories.

Although I may not be there physically, please know that my unwavering support is always with you. Your choices, your dreams—they have my unwavering endorsement. Your happiness and mental well-being are my priority. I'm also well aware of the pain I may have caused in the past, and I take full responsibility for my words and actions. They were never meant to diminish your struggles; they were the misguided response of a wounded heart. Your unwavering support and love have always been my anchor, and I'm profoundly sorry for any hurt I've caused.

In the midst of the bittersweet, there's room for a brighter note. Embrace the pursuit of happiness; surround yourself with those who cherish you and embark on the path that resonates with your soul. Your journey is inspiring, and I long to see you bloom into the beautiful person you were always meant to be. Your impact on the lives around you is immeasurable, and I count myself fortunate to have shared this world with you. As we step into the unknown future, know that I'm eagerly awaiting what it holds for us.

With heartfelt gratitude,

I miss you.

I love you.

Warm regards, Pia

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