#I watch it all the time when I'm small

[doe-eyed-dreamr]

Day 13: Favourite Kid's Movie

For the 25 agere moodboards ~☆°

#favourite movie of all time #it's such a comfort #I watch it all the time when I'm small #I want a toothless onesie #and bottle #and paci #and everything #25ageremoodboards #agere blog #safe agere #age dreaming #age regression #little space #sfw littlespace #agere community #agere moodboard #fandom agere #age regressor #disabled regressor #agere moodboards #httyd agere

[secondbeatsongs]

when you're into the Big Ship™ in a Big Fandom™, you have the luxury of having an OTP - a real One True Pairing, where you can read about just them for ages, and you will never run out of fics, and everything is perfect and beautiful and nothing hurts

but when you go to a smaller fandom, you'd better pray to whatever god you worship that someone else in this room ships the same thing that you do, and that if they do, they're writing more than late-night crackfic, because you're on thin fucking ice!

and how small is your small fandom? is it less than 100 fics? maybe even...less than 20 fics?

welp, then it's time to make peace with that god and either open up a text document or learn how to ship everything, because it's swim or drown babey! and your ship is sinking fast

anyway all of this is to say that after hanging out in small fandoms and shipping less-common pairings for a while, going back into a Big Huge Fandom™ is wild because suddenly it's like...wait, why didn't I ship these people again? I don't remember. why was I only sticking to one ship in this fandom?? boring of me, honestly. these guys should make out.

#sbs rambles #fandom #fandom stuff #ao3 #basically. I hung out in superwholock for so long back in the day #but then I got weird and cool and moved on to smaller and older and stranger fandoms #and decided to throw a party and have fun and enjoy all of the small and weird in those fandoms #and now rewatching media for a big fandom I'm like. huh. sucks to be everyone else I guess. they're missing out on some wild dynamics here #because I'm havin a blast #and like. when I mean small fandoms I mean SMALL #my one fic I wrote for one tv show makes up 25% of that entire fandom on ao3 #(double checks) #oh!!!! new fic in the fandom!!!! #my one fic only makes up 20% of that entire fandom on ao3!!! #time to throw a fuckin party! 🎉🎈🎊🥳 #anyway it's really funny because based on this some folks are going to assume what ship I'm into in a Big Fandom now #but buds. you can laugh at me #I'm thinkin about sam and cas #what's up with those guys? #fucked up actually. they should hold hands about how much they love dean #:') #but also supernatural is way more fun if you watch it out of order #that's what I've realized #now if only the RNG would give me something in season 1 or 2 T_T #also if you're at the point of reading fic on livejournal or wattpad in the year 202X you've reached ''small fandom'' status #that's the rules

[gottagobackintime]

I find it fascinating to witness the straight audience of any media not being able to pick up what the makers of the movie/show puts down.

It’s like when people reacted to the “You wear fine things well” scene in Our Flag Means Death with “aw, they’re such good friends” whereas the queer audience went “omg, this is happening”. We all had access to the same scene, we’d all watched the build up to that scene but the straight audience wrongly read it as friends/straight whereas the queer audience had suspected they were building up to a romance but this was the confirmation. Even the creator of the show was baffled that people were surprised that Ed and Stede fell in love. Because he thought they had made it obvious.

And as I said, we, the queer audience picked up on it. And I feel like the same thing is happening with Ted Lasso. Do I know that Ted and Trent will get together? No, I am unfortunately not a writer on Ted Lasso. But you can’t deny that there are clues pointing to it. But the straight audience barely pick up the fact that Ted and Trent like each other, be that in a platonic way or romantic way. I’ve seen several reactions to the last episode of season 2 and ONE of them included the scene where Ted reacts to Trent not being in the press room. All of them severely cut down the scene in the parking lot. One of the scenes most of us Ted/Trent truthers point to as a huge piece of evidence for it going canon. The parallel of them meeting in an empty parking lot, just like Ted and his ex-wife and Roy and Keeley. But because Ted and Trent are both men it couldn’t possibly mean anything. And Ted has an ex-wife and a kid so he can’t possibly be into men, as if there is no such thing as being bisexual. “But I’m pretty sure Trent has a family, he has a kid right?” So? He could be divorced, we also have no idea if his daughter has another dad or a mum. And the same thing applies to him, it doesn’t mean he can’t be into men (take also into account all of James Lance’s interviews, and his choice of shirt in one of them, friend of Dorothy anyone? He's the captain of this ship, we're just along for the ride tbh.)

Then we have the wonderful “I’m so not homophobic, in fact, you are homophobic because you think Ted is gay just because he likes musicals and has ‘feminine’ traits” um no… it’s the fact that he kind of acts in a way that an ally wouldn't. Yeah, he called himself an ally in that one episode. But every single person who is now out as queer who at one point considered themselves an ally because "I’m not one of them but I sure think they're neat" raise a hand 🖐️ (been there, done that. Was very into queer things before I realised I myself am one of them). What it always comes down to is "it's pandering", "it's tokenism" (having the main character on the show be queer wouldn't be fucking tokenism), "not everything has to be gay", "why can't men just be friends, there is a severe lack of male friendships on tv". And like the last one makes me go??? There are a MILLION friendships between men on TV. There are even multiple friendships between men in Ted Lasso. Beard and Ted, Ted and Higgins, Ted and Roy, the himbos and so on. Having Ted and Trent become a couple wouldn't really change anything because there are still friendships between men. They also claim that Ted is needed as the "straight without toxic masculinity" representation. As if Beard isn't right there. The man who has no problem going to an immersive show about the menstrual cycle. Has no problem with shrieking when he's surprised and so on.

I also like that if we'd get Ted and Trent together, we'd get two middle aged queer dads. Which isn't that common. It's not even super common to see people realising they're queer late in life on TV, and yet it happens every day. Because let's face it, most queer men on TV kind of look like Colin, and I don't mean that as a bad thing. And I'm looking forward to his storyline. But it's also nice seeing middle aged or old people finding themselves and being allowed to be who they are (see Ed and Stede from OFMD). Also would enjoy seeing people lose their minds when they realise they've been fooled this entire time. It'll be like Black Sails all over again.

I do not have any doubts about the fact that, had Trent or Ted been a woman and they saw Trent give up his career because of Ted's influence, they sure as hell wouldn't protest people thinking they'd become a couple. But because it's two men it's just delusional for some reason (homophobia).

What I'm saying is, it's clear that the straight audience has a hard time picking up subtext and clues that the makers are planting. Because they've never had to do that. Because they are always clearly represented. They don't have to look for minor side characters and hope that they might be queer. Because the main character is straight and most of the supporting cast too. When you've grown up with a lack of representation or with representation that is meant to be subtext, you'll learn to pick up on it. And you do look at media differently. I just wish that the straight audience could listen to us for once, without getting defensive and dancing around the fact that they are uncomfortable relating to a character that turned out to be queer.

#tedependent #ted lasso #trent crimm #there are so many times where I'm watching something and I go... hold on that is... is that a queer character... yes it must be #and then they do something small that confirms it and I'm like I fucking knew it! #I have 0 gaydar in real life but when it comes to media I tend to pick up on it #I wish that all straight people would learn about the way queer people have been represented throughout history #so that they might be able to understand why we have to look for subtext even today #hell we got ''representation'' in star wars and beauty and the beast and it was blink and you'll miss it #and they wonder why we have to make everything gay?? #because we want to be represented in a show that isn't strictly about being queer #yes it's nice with a ''everyone is queer'' kind of show #but it's also nice to be seen in a mainstream show that is loved by not just a queer audience but also a straight audience #nicole watches stuff

[meii-jasmine]

#my art #hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #alastor #i could not get this out of my head when i first saw it. the mood of all time #asexual panic #bff and i have been watching it. perfect timing too because it's so HOT right now where i'm from. grabe the immersion. hahaha #i wasn't sure where to upload this because i'm perfectly aware of mixed reception but. eh. a small break b4 going back to comms and my proj

[polite-pandemonium]

Me to me: don't get your hopes up don't get your hopes up don't get your hopes up don't get your hopes up don't get your hopes up don't get your hopes up don't get your hopes up don't get your hopes up don't get your hopes up don't get your hopes up don't get your hopes you toei has burned you so many times before you know better than this don't get your hopes up don't get your hopes DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP

Also me: Hopes? High. Delusions? Strong. Theories? Brewing.

#what I want this to mean: you see the movie in a new light cause the audio reveals they are SECRETLY DATING the whole movie #what it probably means: idk something I probably don't care about at all #BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN? #Toei you are the villain in the narrative of my life constantly dangling this carrot in front of my face for 20 years! #i'm gonna lose it! #let me be free! #(one could argue that they already let me be free with that 02 epilogue but NO I SAY NO - they have been reigniting hope since 2015!) #ughhhh please I just want some small 100% romantic canon interaction between them please #pleaseeeeee #these dramas are being released in stickers at the theatres #and I think I am going to miss the week this one is being given away by a HAIR #which is so annoying #also last thought but when was the last time we got PURELY takeru and hikari content? #like episode 13 of 02??? #goodness #anyway #watch me be crushingly disappointed #digimon #takari

[tmntkiseki]

Reasons why later iterations worked to make the turtle designs more distinct from one another.

#teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt #tmnt 1987 #tmnt leonardo #tmnt raphael #tmnt donatello #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt april #video #I watched the first episode of the 1987 show on YT for the hell of it and #The entire thing feels like one big fever dream SDKFJSKG #I DO actually remember watching a few episodes of 1987 when I was a kid #I was a wee elementary student back when they were still in the middle of transitioning from video cassettes to DVDs #And there was this small video rental store we'd go to whenever we wanted to pick out movies or TV shows to watch on our VCR #I'm pretty sure I ended up picking out a couple of cassettes of TMNT 1987 one time #Alongside The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog #Unfortunately I do not remember at all which episodes the cassettes had #I only remember really liking the theme song and Mikey's little dance in the opening XD

[brown-little-robin]

あ

#Robin processes emotions on main #already I am struggling with studying Japanese #not with the language itself so much. I'm making progress on that #but with this horrible kind of anxiety #I writhe not being the best at things that I'm trying to do. I writhe wondering if I should just give up. #this is why I had a horrible time studying Greek in high school as well: can't know it well enough fast enough #it's like I'm dying a little every day convincing myself no it's FINE not to know everything right away. it's OKAY. #it's okay if you stop learning Japanese in the future and it's okay if you keep learning Japanese. it's okay it's okay it's— #hhhhhhhhhhhh #it's such a complicated language it's making my stomach hurt right now thinking about how I want to learn kanji but it's So Much #and I don't know HOW to learn it #I've never really learned a language before (Greek does NOT count) and I'm learning all the complexities of the Japanese language and going #going oh....... this is........ actually extremely much...... and I'm never going to be a native speaker....... #I'm trying So Hard to embrace dying a little to my perfectionism every day but it's HARD. WAILS #No one Told me learning a language would make me want to cry because it's simply impossible to master!!!! #WAH!!!! #I'm trying to keep sight of the fact that it's not about my pride it's about having fun and embracing Small challenge and Small rewards #I really do feel so happy every time I recognize a word or understand the grammar when watching anime #it's just thinking about the Entire language that's psyching me out #Robin learns Japanese

[vynnyal]

Unga bunga these take 3 hrs to make

#Artfight #Art #Hollers into the sky I'M MAKING AAART #Glad I still got it #Also was on vacay for the first two weeks of AF so thats. Great #Is it update time? Sure here's a quick life update #So I work at this tiny mom and pop shop right. Because they were so small they liked to take advantage of their workers #Aka me and literally 2 other people ever. I've been here for a year lmao #I always knew they were suspicious but it really came to a head when they accused me of stealing money #Btw they issued me a 1099 (the wrong tax form) so they already stole from me #I talked to the bank and had the delightful experience of slapping their account across the face with my guilt free hands #Metaphorically unfortunately #I'm gonna quit this week. I'm tired of these people. The drama was fun tho #Let's see. Ah! I just passed 1 1/2 years of Sky the other day! #More than the game itself I've become engrossed in the modding community hahaha #It's the weirdest little cranny of a fandom I've seen for such a large project #It's basically ONLY passed via word of mouth. And there's all sorts of fun drama happening within the discord(s) too #Idk this is just so funny to watch. Might get banned sooner or later but oh well. I've spent hundreds #It's their loss 🤪 and mine. Mostly mine. But also their loss 🤪 #.... You know. My blog is small enough that I could post some funny stuff that I don't dare post anywhere else #Hehehuhuhu I just might. I have a lot of videos #OH SPEAKING OF VIDEOS I'm thinking of cleaning up all my old vids and publishing em to youtube #Apparently I just never did that #May as well dust off the ol' tube of yube and my handful of subs #I'll just post the unfinished ones unlisted as well. Why not! #Till next time. Hopefully soon

[dont-offend-the-bees]

Quirky representations of dementia should go die actually

#pardon me my friends i know I'm in a Good Mood today and will probably continue to be once I've taken some time to be mad/sad #but god the other night our ex-neighbour was obvs trying to comfort me #by talking bout a lady with dementia she knew who was onviously sick but in her mind she went out and did things and danced #and i was at the dinner table with my own sick lady #and therefore could not say honey. good for her i guess. #but my mum is almost aggressively trapped in her here and now #she doesn't know how to exist without us #her safe person is the husband her marriage was failing with #if we go out for five minute she panics and scratches at the door #she is sad and confused 95% of the time #content and confused the other 5% #and i can barely even visualise her as my mum anymore #because the mum who raised me would've killed herself if she knew this was coming #(like she used to tell me that. frequently tell her small child she'd rather kill herself than be unable to look after herself) #(which had a very normal impact on me I'm sure) #anyway. I'm a huge hypocrite and will still go and listen to marbles by the amazing devil and think it's the loveliest most romantic thing #and maybe some people do get lucky and find some joy in their minds when they have nothing else #but i have to just watch her brain fester and decay every day and there's just nothing quirky or beautiful about it #and all i can think is about how there's those mums who don't like raising small kids but enjoy parenthood when the kids are grown #and how that was supposed to be her #for a little while it was her #for a brief window of a couple of years she and i were each others best friend #and now she's this sad scared anxious thing shaped like my mum #who doesn't trust me as much as the man she was maybe a year or two out from leaving #and she's trapped in her brain and swiftly rotting #and it's just not cute and it's not funny #anyway #it is what it is #mr. bees speaks

[frecklystars]

Sierra Six being my S/I's bodyguard and not quite differentiating the lines between "I need to be closer to Keri in order to keep Keri safe" vs "I need to be closer to Keri due to these... budding personal feelings that I don't understand that seem to be consuming me whole but I'm sure that's normal and nothing I need to dwell on whatsoever"

Such as making sure her ice cream isn't poisoned so he taste tests it first. but then it evolves into her spoon feeding him a few more bites... minutes later they're both sharing it together. then it becomes a weekly routine, get ice cream every Sunday afternoon

Or he checks everywhere in her room before she sleeps, under the bed, the closet, makes sure the windows are locked. then he sits in the room closest to that bedroom door and stays awake typing on his computer or something. but her nightmares make her jolt awake crying out, so he's rushing to her side and calming her. Minutes later he's crawling into bed next to her and cuddling her like a good bodyguard does. because all bodyguards cuddle in bed with the person they're protecting, right? sure, he's sure of it. yeah. This is an every night ordeal until finally she asks him to just sleep in the same bed with her so if she has a nightmare he can just be there immediately. and he's all calm and collected "sure of course I can do that for you" but he isn't sleeping immediately. he isn't in that habit. he's fully alert of every creak in the wood, the branches snapping outside, every tiny noise. His cheeks are on FIRE and he's trying to hide the shake in his hands when Keri suddenly rolls over in her sleep, her face pressed against his chest, unconsciously wrapping her arms around him. And he's wrapping his strong arms around her, petting her hair, suppressing the urge to kiss her forehead. YEAH SURELY ALL BODYGUARDS DO THIS. And for the first time in a very, very long time, Keri doesn't have any bad dreams that night.

Making sure he's always turning his head towards her and annunciating as clear as possible because he knows she needs to read lips to fully understand someone. He starts wearing chapstick. He starts sharing it with her. He tries not to think about how that chapstick is the closest he'll ever get to her lips. He tries not to dwell on that.

#saw an interview where ryan said that Six just wants so badly to live a little bit #and he's destined for this life of danger and he will never be free from it and it's all he craves #he doesn't want to be a spy. he doesn't want to be an assassin. #he wants to eat chicken nuggets and watch netflix and fall asleep on the couch #he doesn't want to jolt awake gasping every night. he doesnt want to look over his shoulder every 2 seconds #he doesnt want to be on high alert 24/7 knowing anyone and everyone is after him constantly #and he cant even trust the organization he was accepted into #so when he finds something that he enjoys like... a comfortable shirt or a delicious meal #or getting a new tattoo or listening to a good song. he holds onto that. #he just wants to live. and ryan said he cherishes those moments where he's living his life just a little #like at the party in the first scene he's just eating chicken and laughing a little with Dani #so I feel like w/ me he starts finding those moments more and more #bc I'm insisting Six have some more ice cream. Six come see this movie with me #Six you don't have to hold my bags just hold my hand. Six let's get you a Kenough shirt #Six let's go to that new pizza place and let me order you your favorite toppings. my treat #Six I saw this pendant and thought of you. Six I drew this for you. Six this song reminds me of you. #and slowly over time it's not just a bodyguard and the girl he's protecting #it's two friends teaching each other how to find love in living again #his love for the smallest moments gives her that bit of motivation to live too #his appreciation for the small things. those little gratitudes. they add up #I LOVE HIM SO MUCHHHHH #love notes #💕♡☆ I'll always protect you ☆🖤🎆 #IT FEELS SO GOOD TO WRITE LOVE NOTES AGAINNNNN

[fictionadventurer]

According to the app, I've got fifteen minutes left in The Heir of Redclyffe, but I don't want it to be over.

#the heir of redclyffe #charlotte mary yonge #it's so odd #there's some of the 'swimming through legos' feeling to the prose that reminds me of reading little women and other earlier victorian books #where the prose is wordy in a workmanlike way so you can't really call it beautiful or skillful #but also the characters are worthwhile enough that it's worth the extra work #and when i think back on plot events it's kind of astounding how big a deal they've made over such very small events #but yet #there's a depth to that smallness #gives a sense of the spiritual significance of even the tiny stupid conflicts of daily life #(even when i don't buy into their victorian codes of conduct) #'the greatest drama in life is the battle for a single human soul' and all #which also makes it possible to read *too deeply* into this story so i gotta watch out #but i know i'm going to be thinking about these characters and their journeys for a long time #there's a lot of 'telling' along with the 'showing' of these arcs but they're still good arcs #she's so subtly brutal to these characters #losing all hope for the future can still leave you in joy #getting everything you ever wanted in life can be the worst possible outcome #(and not just because of the depravity of wealth or whatever) #(but because the circumstances of getting it are nothing like how you wanted it ) #and the pacing is actually working surprisingly well #a lot of classics have this point where the last third or quarter has radically different circumstances from the rest of the book #and it usually feels weird to me and it's hard to think of it as the same book #but in this book that section might be my favorite in the story #the long denouement really gives you a chance to see how these characters grow #i'm a little worried she won't be able to leave everything in a satisfactory place with the page count we have left #but also if it never ends i never have to find out if she drops the ball or not

[baejax-the-great]

So the one reason to go to Arkansas is to drive through a town named "Flippin," where everything sounds like a euphemism. Flippin Fire Dept. Flippin School. Flippin Police. Etc.

While that does sound charming, I don't know that justifies a trip to Arkansas

#when I was considering moving to georgia #a place I had not been yet #I was at this hole in the wall thai restaurant with a friend #and the tables were soooo close together #and there was a couple next to us #and the one boyfriend was just like hissing that he was NOT going to move to Arkansas #he didn't care HOW good his bf's job offer was #he was NOT GOING #he could get a job ANYWHERE ELSE #and while GA is not quite on the same level as Arkansas I was like gosh that is what i'm feeling right now #it's soooo far south #anyway I did move to GA and it was fine #although that feels disingenuous #I very rarely left the city and in the city I very rarely met anyone who was actually FROM GA #this one time I stopped for gas in what is apparently a small shitty town #and I'm white but apparently I was OBVIOUSLY not from around there #because there were like five old men sitting at the bar of the little gas station restaurant #who stopped talking when I walked in and just... watched me #as I bought a snack for the road and asked where the bathroom was #just silently disapprovingly watching this outsider... utilize a gas station #the girl working the register seemed apologetic #when i went back out to my car I could see all them watching me from the window #so I do think there are parts of GA that straight up suck #and had I been a different race I think my safety would have been in question that day #but Atlanta was fine for the most part #weirdly full of people from Chicago

[wayward-wren]

Classic Who explores ideas, New Who explores morals

classic who is like 'i see this trend, lets explore what might happen if that trend continues and let the audience figure out what it's talking about and come to their own conclusions.'

new who is like 'this trend is BAD and i'm going to PREACH A SPEECH about why it's going to RUIN EVERYTHING' and it's so much more exhausting

#wren rambles #doctor who #this brought on by me watching orphan 55 #which had SUCH a fun concept #and then absolutely FACEPLANTED with the doctor moralizing at the end #like yes doctor who has ALWAYS explored topical and political issues #but never is there a definitive I Am Telling You This Is Right message #whereas now I just had to sit here and watch 13 preaching at me? #ughghg #explore the idea but don't shove it down my throat #classic who had an episode (Ice Warriors) exploring climate change as one aspect of the story #talking about how all the plants were removed and that messed with the atmosphere etc. #but that was just a SMALL PART of the whole episode and it was never outright condemned (it was made clear it was BAD and the root problems #but that was never the BIG ISSUE the Doctor Lectured His Companions about) (not that victoria or jamie could do anything lol) #plus this feeds into my issues with 13's run (which started during 12's somewhat but less so) #where the Doctor is painted as the Narratively Right one #where when she says something that's what the narrative wants you to BELIEVE #which coming from Two and Three's run is WILD #because Two is chaotic and murderous when he thinks he's right #and he's manipulative and deceptive at times #and Three is selfish and pouty and rude #and don't get me wrong Thirteen has her issues and I lvoe them #HOWEVER. she's pretty much always RIGHT she's the Word Of God when it comes to moral things #and this more than anything is my biggest issues with Modern Who #mostly 12 and 13's eras #so i hope we move out of that somewhat in the new era but i'm not super holding up hopes (especially after star beast) #maybe one day i'll write a proper full article about it but GOSH #i don't watch this show to be preached at. I watch it for a fun/tragic scifi romp and also to see interesting ideas explored #and reflect the climate of the world and how society influences media #explore the idea of climate change turning the world into a post apocalypse! that's such a fun idea and topical!

[spiritofjustice]

decided to wait till my dad went to sleep to make dinner bcs i cannot stand being around him rn and it's been 3 hours and now he's just sleeping downstairs. cool

#psy's no punctuation posts #it's hard to explain. he didn't do anything but like i don't want to be around him rn. you know what i mean. sometimes its just like that #just don't have the mental capacity to deal with him and i just want some peace when i make dinner #he retired last week and i'm happy for him but also the idea of him being around all fucking day every day is giving me hives #that is TOO much for me. he is too much. he's so high maintenance and loud and annoying and self-centered #i love him but he's best in small doses bcs he doesn't really talk to me like a person so i can only handle so much #he's encroaching on what i used to have as 'quiet' time when i came home from work. he'd be asleep #so he wouldn't make fun of what i watched or be loud and annoying and i could just chill #post-work should be quiet no dad time. not so anymore #and i can't ve like 'get out of the living room and go upstairs' bcs it's his house too and that isn't fair #but i just feel like i can't really be myself or do much while he's awake

[emile-hides]

I am shaking Zeref like a wet paper bag what a guy what a character

#This is Tumblr little meow meow I am feeling this what a guy #Small black hair sad guys twink little fuckin guy with a brother complex but also a lolicon but ALSO CURSED TO KILL ALL HE CARES FOR #MY FUCKING GOD??? #Fairy Tail #I'm so insane about him and here I was thinking Mest was my new blorbo chew toy from this show they decide to explain Zeref #I'm so obsessed with this curse actually it's so interesting #Like ACTUALLY a really well written plot device I'm enamored with it #The Cure of Contradiction... #And MAVIS!!! GETTING IT TOO!!! MY GOD!!!! #I SO wish we saw her live with it more but like!!! #Watching Zeref's breakdown before him when before THAT he was just so calm and collected #If not a little pathetic little meow meow #I love it actually I really love him the shit isolation will do to a guy times two #Love Hate Isolation stories they always fuck me up but I ADORE them #Will this make it in the tag who knows let's see

[47-protons]

i need to kill the creature in my brain i think

#gripping it and shaking it and slamming it to the ground #sometimes it is small and little. like a hamster or perhaps a domesticated rat. it is managable #i can hold it and cuddle it close to my chest and go hey. Hey. you're okay. promise. you've misinterpreted something #and here is what is actually happening. #and other times. it is just a giant hulking mass of dark fuzzy goop and if it touches you you lose time and everything is fuzzy and muted #and you are beating it off with a broom or a stick or your bare hands or a childhood book you grabbed off the shelf #and it's larger than the room you're in and it's all encompasing and it's so so so so so fucking Mean to you. #and i can't ever kill it. but sometimes if i take a nap. or cry it out. it at least gets smaller. maybe down to a Particularly irate #large dog. and then from there. when we have both calmed down. i can see that this dog just has a thorn or a sticker in its paw or something #and i can help it. and we can both calm down. and we are both so so so tired. and it will go back to being a hamster. and i can hold it. #and this cycle will always repeat #you pick out the hurt and you look at it and you go Well. seeing it helps. and i at least Know now. what hurt me so bad #but it doesn't necessarily stop you from stepping in the sticker patch again y'know?? #especially when sometimes i think my parents will toss whole sticker bushes at me and not realize it #and i feel lowkey like i'm sitting in the middle of the elementary school baseball diamond again. surrounded by stickers and goatheads. #none of this makes sense but i am Very bad with emotion words. i have sad and happy and a few other specific ones #but for the most part beyond that?? every feeling i feel is not Words it is Situations And The Feelings Attached To It #loving my dog is like being taken to an ice cream shop on your birthday as a young child #loving my best friend is like standing in the grass with your shoes wet from the dew watching the sunrise and the specific rose-pink #that the clouds turn in mid-august.