#I’m a depressed bitch lol

[autisticlancemcclain]

i know it’s a stupid thing to whine about and i’m sorry but the low engagement in my fics lately is super bumming me out, plus the wildfires means there’s no sunlight rn and that uh. is generally bad. for my brain. so i’m going to take a break for a bit?? for at least tonight. i need to sort my shit out and do some writing practice to figure out what i’m doing wrong. FRF is definitely still on and queued for tomorrow, and i haven’t decided about wip wednesday yet (not even sure if i’m continuing that bc so far that’s been a flop) so i’ll let y’all know :) be safe and stay healthy everyone i’ll be back soon

#i feel so bad guys i’m sorry #but lately every time i post i feel like i’m failing the peer review and since i am among the most sensitive it bitches you will ever meet #that is going unwell for me #u know that scene in inside. where bo is like yeah so my mental health is kind of at an atl #not atlanta #but all time low? #that’s me rn. #lol #anyways. i’m still going to be writing lots bc writing still makes me feel good #it’s just the posting that makes me want to cry #so. #anyways sorry this is cringe and embarrassing and emotional #i’ll be back either tomorrow or with further information tomorrow #depends on if my seasonal depressed ass sees the sun or not lol you’d be shocked at how fast i spiral #lmao #personal #announcement #?

[sovhina]

Couldn’t sleep so I messed around with a warm up sketch that I didn’t get to finish lol and I was tagged in wip Wednesday forever ago by @laaskrin thank you <33

#wip #wip wednesday #idk if I’ll finish it #but it was nice to make something that I didn’t hate leggo #still feeling art blocky #trying not to force it #bc I don’t want my comms to feel forced but that seasonal depression is a bitch #anyway her name is trinity and I’m going back and forth on her palette lol #they’re my guardian in destiny

[benechillax]

i think i’m approaching terminal burnout

#can’t quit my job because I’m saddled with 100% of the payments on a $500k mortgage because my brother has been an unemployed neet for 9mos. #can’t take time off of work because there’s no one to cover for me and every day I’d take off just puts me one day (or more)on my work #And it’s work that requires me to stay on a strict schedule because that’s what’s required for nursing homesto continue operating in albert #I have no life outside of work #Don’t even have time to enjoy my acreage #Also was sick for 3 weeks in august and still had to work from home that entire time. No days off and no drop in productivity allowed #And I just constantly get shit on at work. No appreciation just getting criticized #and I have no life outside of work because I fucking work 6 days per week. And my friends are sick of hearing me bitch about it all #And my mom told me last week not to talk to her if I’m going to complain about how bad things are for me lol. #so I guess I’ll just write long winded text posts on tumblr.com and throw them into the void #lol #oh i forgot to mention that I’m also surrounded by I’ll demented and/or dying people on a daily basis so the job is extremely depressing

[holyluvr]

Getting a good hit of indica that’s a little stronger than vapes I had last time after I ran out of my indica is Hallelujah Praise The LORD and that kid with ADHD

#… #I need indica or antipsychotics both to function. an upper and a downer of some sorts. stimulate then depress. over and over again. daily. #TBH one of the dreams/goals that I still haven’t let myself let go of despite knowing the stats and likelihoods of the outcomes…. #well anyway one of those dreams is to somehow fix this. to meet a doctor who has a treatment plan or life change idea that works on the drug #dependency / the ‘maybe’ acquired brain injury issues. #the ‘is this idiopathic narcolepsy or is this ABI from drs or would you consider this probable narcolepsy from ABI from drs or?’ issues. #the ‘it’s harder to put together a clear understanding of your health overall’ comments followed by silence bc they don’t need to say it lol #it’s hard because no one has known what my health ‘should’ be like. know one has any labs without me on psychotropic medication combos. #they have partial proof from brain scans for the conclusion that my brain was just .fried to deal with me/make me easy and good. didn’t work #and they don’t even need proof to know that medication combos in their own profession shouldn’t be used together or are only used together #in extreme cases with no options left that they immediately fucking jumped into and were lucky I didn’t DIE so many times but fuck yeah #now my brain hurts and I’m not how I was beforehand but don’t rlly know why or how to express it #and I feel alone there and then I have bitch ass doctors telling me to Just Stop The Meds For A Fee Weeks :-)! …..Dr u have no idea huh do u #a few weeks? give me 3 days before I’m having a psychotic episode that’s severe enough to warrant police arrest or 911 called for me. #that’s thousands of dollars in a legal psychiatric hold. and that’s if someone catches the signs on time before I potentially harm myself or #like yeah no I’m sorry doc but i can’t just Simply Stop or Substitute anti-anxiety drugs when I’ve had them holding me together b4 puberty. #anyway I’m still. hoping I’ll find some info somewhere or stories and people like me who figured something out or anything idk #because my medical testing is interfered by medications that I cannot stop taking (mainly benzodiazepines) without losing my mind now. bad.

[sacredpit]

while i’m tekkenposting i get jinhwoa isn’t like the softest uwu fluffy ship out there but does every single fic have to be gut-wrenching angst like do u people rlly not see any happiness for them at all

#/ tbd #i’m serious there are like 5 non depressing jh fics on ao3 and i’ve read them all & literally wrote one of them #like sure angst is easy for them considering all they’ve been through but i think they can be cute too!!! i want 2 see that!!! #i remember when i first posted my fic some people were like ‘wow i didn’t know how much i needed a cute/happy story for them’ like #bitch i don’t blame u people treat them like they’re living in les misérables or something #idk im just out of my being obsessed with angst era & just want all my beloveds to be happy HFGDGDCWFSV #i don’t want to need to go to therapy after every fic jesus christ #anyways sorry i’m just thinking abt hwoa a lot today for some reason #i want to go back to his blog but i need to play t8 first lol

[medsformyhead]

i’d like one order of electric shock therapy and a side of a fucking lobotomy. please and thank you.

#rambles #bro i’m tired #if i have to be here on this godforsaken planet #it would be nice to at least not have to fucking think #for the rest of my goddamn life #suffering from this limbic bitch lol #anxiety #bipolar #borderline #actually bpd #depression #ocd

[brookheimer]

the succession experience

#like this is the pipeline. this is exactly the pipeline. #hm this is interesting -> lol this is funny -> fuck this is depressing i’m slamming my head against a table repeatedly -> these bitches gay #also the fourth one is mostly for the meme. like these bitches gay it’s true but that shouldn’t be treated as the focal point of the show- #- by fans yknow and i’m so happy that thus far it hasn’t been. like so many other f*ndoms make everything ab the one will they won’t they #gay ship and i’d be so disappointed if that were ever the way the succ f*ndom wind blows #just clarifying that this is not me advocating for that LOL i don’t mean it seriously #love tomgreg but im a roman gal and failmarriage stan first💪 love me some funky funny trauma and bad ppl #succession #succession hbo #might rb this later when more ppl r on

[moonrisenmuses]

Still working on making my sideblogs look pretty but… I just wanted to take a moment to really throw some positivity out there. But also TW for mentions of past RPC drama ( no names ), and mental health, breakups, death of a family member, family toxicity and general personal irl issues etc.

This turned long so I’m just gonna post the positivity shoutouts separately from this I think so I don’t make anyone uncomfortable.

Autumn is my favourite season as some of you might know based on how often I have my muses gush about it being their fave too. I always put little pieces of myself in my muses, it could be something as mundane as their favourite colour or a book they read, or as big as personal inspiration from real life events that happened to me, usually the former. It helps me feel closer to them. But Autumn is also a really hard time for me, for a lot of reasons. For one it’s the anniversary of a really bad time in my life from when I was 18 and I tried to do something and ended up ( voluntarily ) in the hospital for my own safety. But it’s also around the time my Pop’s health took a turn for the worst ( the Autumn before that, when I was 17 - he passed in January, nine months before the hospital incident ) before he passed away, and my home life had turned really toxic around that time as people were already preparing to lose him and tension was high. I was that teen who’s mom was more nurturing than strict and certain people in my family disagreed with her parenting style being rather gentle die or my being neurodivergent.

Anyway, because of that, October is already especially hard for me even though it’s my favourite month hands down. Then a few years ago I got into a relationship with someone a lot younger than me who I’d met online and I’ll be honest, I really really loved and cared about them. To the point I let it blind me to their faults. They always talked me into joining whatever fandom they were into at the moment and while I was sad to leave so many fun fandoms, I either ignored or didn’t notice the fact that many of the ones we left was because of drama. Drama that followed them from their past or drama that they started because they couldn’t leave well enough alone. If someone didn’t like them, or blocked them, added them to a DNI or kept tabs on them for their own comfort, they had to know why. They had to clear their name. They got hate, which they didn’t deserve, but they also made no effort to actually avoid stirring the pot.

I… did things I’m not proud of. Because I loved them and I ignored red flags because I saw them as a victim like me, as I’d been bullied all through my school years. I figured being the older one I could protect them. But I got hurt instead. It’s not their fault, not entirely. The tension kept building between us for months. I wanted to move countries to be with them eventually so I was working extra hard to try to make money. And with the different time zones I was running myself ragged. I think they felt like I was ignoring them or that they needed to ship certain things or prioritize me in our RP to keep my interest. That wasn’t the case but looking back… we were both very immature and had rose coloured glasses on. I wanted so badly to seem like I had it all figured out when the truth was, I felt like I was drowning and Autumn being when my depression hits most was the final nail in the coffin. In the end the drama wasn’t what broke us up, it was me realizing I’d become afraid of making them unhappy because I didn’t want to face the fallout. Them going dark, not replying to messages, worrying they might do something and me being on another continent I couldn’t help. I couldn’t be someone else’s mental support when I barely had a proper grip on my own, if that makes sense. You can’t pour water from an empty jug and you can’t throw a life preserver when you’re in the water with the person that’s drowning, I couldn’t help us both. Eventually I had to pick. And as selfish as I felt at the time, choosing me felt kinder than continuing on knowing I would eventually burn out and resent them for it.

It was so hard, but I had to end it for my own sake. What was supposed to be a temporary breakup turned permanent and I honestly think it was the best thing for us both. Things are still awkward, we don’t really talk anymore but from what I understand they left Tumblr and have been doing well for themselves. They’re happier at least. I’m healing. I think I’ll always mourn them because whether we ever met in person or not, they were the first person I developed deep romantic feelings for beyond a crush. I loved them. Part of me always will.

When I came back to the BSD fandom I was scared. So many people had left, new people had come, and I was full of insecurity about my writing. Am I a good writer? Are my characters hollow clichés? Do I write too much smut and gross people out? Am I annoying? But coming back here was so easy. It felt like coming home. Asagiri does such a phenomenal job at portraying mental health without even explicitly showing it that it’s honestly stunning. The way no one has to say outright ‘Dazai has depression’ or ‘Atsushi is suffering from PTSD, anxiety and crippling lay low self esteem due to his upbringing’ or even ‘Dazai, Kyouka, Yosano, Higuchi and Akutagawa are all victims of a toxic cycle of abuse started by Mori’, or even the way queer relationships ( whether you view them as platonic or not ) between men are integral to the most important bonds in the franchise.

I can’t tell if this is a vent post or not anymore, but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like things I needed to say because I know I kinda vanished from the BSD RPC a few years ago without a word to anyone and those who were there probably know some of what happened but I guess what I wanted to say is… thanks to everybody who readily accepted me back with open arms as if I’d never left? You all mean so much to me. I can’t really say enough how much coming back here has improved my mental health. I’m actually reading again! And not just fanfics! Not that there’s anything wrong with that but like… I’ve got al the light novels on my shelf right now and some of the manga. I’ve got works by Nakahara C., Dazai, Rimbaud, Verlaine and more that I’ve been steadily going through, and it’s done so much good for me. I truly haven’t felt this accepted or wanted in a fandom since 2019 when I was still in the Marvel RPC before it kinda broke down over increasingly bad decisions in the Marvel cinematic universe lol.

But that’s enough of the crying boo boo stuff. Here’s the point I wanted to actually make from the beginning:

Anyone can change. Sometimes friendships ( or relationships ) don’t last and it feels like the end of the world, but it isn’t. Sometimes who you thought you were at 24 couldn’t be further from the truth at 27. You can love someone but not be right for them. We all have bias that can be hard to let go of. But most importantly… life is too short to always be sad about things you can’t control. I can’t help that I have depression and ADHD, I can’t bring my Pop back or make certain family members love me or respect me.

But I can go to a place where I feel loved and appreciated. I can choose my friends and the people I share my heart with. I’d like to send some love to a few of those people now, so here they are, hope you all don’t mind the tags, this was entirely off of the top of my head. Post incoming.

#this turned into Diary of an Anxious Bitch lol #I don’t usually do emotional dumps OOC like this because despite how I may seem I’m actually very shy and self conscious #but I just wanted to sort of explain why I tend to disappear for weeks on time #especially around this time of year #{ Mun Shit } #Drama // #Vent // #Death // #Breakups // #Emotional Abuse // #Mental Illness // #Depression // #Hospital Mention // #Implied Suicide //

[bittersweet-hun-ny]

#videogame #game #gaming #ps4 #screen caps #sephiorth #final fantasy shitpost #shitposting #shitpost #zack ff7 #Zack fair #one winged angel #depression #no bitches #lol memes #low quality memeing #gamer #crisis core on crack #I’m having a crisis core #Sephiroth and Zack

[cr0wc0rpse]

“I don’t want to treat you like a child, so stop acting like one” ok so I don’t want to treat you like you’re awful so stop acting like that. You have the power to not be like this (actively angry and mean) and not put restrictions on my life but you act like you have no choice

#this is about my mother lol #it’s not even worth TRYING to explain that I’m depressed and paralyzed and aimless #that literally does not matter at all to her. it will get me no sympathy or care or support #maybe I am bitching too much about this . maybe she’s right #still sucks and hurts though #kind of thankful that I’m so emotionally numb and apathetic because her behavior and words don’t really have an effect #I just know that they should hurt and cause stress. but don’t actually feel it #anyway. I’m chillin #dead text

[littlesubbyflower]

very overstimulated and having a v bad day. please send fic recs that I can read in the comfort of my closet full of squishmallows that way I can decompress and try to calm down

#littlesubbyflower #it’s so bad #I just want people to leave me alone but if I tell them to not talk to me then i’m a bitch and i’m the one causing problems #like ma’am. I have undiagnosed autism that you literally ignored as a child #I have severe depression and most likely have anger issues #my therapist said that I have severe aggression so we absolutely love that #it’s literally the first weekend of summer vacation and I cannot wait for school to be back in. #my nanny kids are angels. they haven’t done anything. yet lol #imagine living with a sibling who feels he is so entitled to my time and my skills as a cosmetologist :’) #I was showing him how to put product in his hair #and he literally reached up and took a handful of my hair and pulled and shook my head so hard that he popped my neck :’)

[spinsterennui]

It’s all my fault. I stupidly made a post about how wonderful it is when it’s chilly out and how the 40s F are the perfect temp range . . . And now? Well, the universe/matrix is punishing me because after we had maybe a week of not even that cool weather, it’s been basically sunny, high 70s or low 80s, and lows from the high 50s to the high 60s. It’s 68 out at 7:45 AM. 🙄😡

I really really really need to move north.

#like arctic circle north tbh #y’all have no idea how depressing it is for me #i literally get opposite seasonal depression #it’s probably going to be in the 70s on fucking christmas #fuck global warming and fuck this armpit of a state #yeah sorry i’m bitching and whining this early in the morning lol

[purplegn0mes]

Gnomeo & Juliet gets a lot darker when you realize how many of the characters have PTSD of some kind

#like Featherstone most definitely has abandonment issues #and gets flashbacks when he sees people fighting especially couples #Gnomeo and Juliet for sure have separation anxiety after everything that happened #poor Juliet probably has nightmares about Gnomeo dying #imagine every time she hears something break she goes into a full blown panic thinking it was Gnomeo #don’t even get me started on Lord R and Lady B #those bitches lost their spouses and had to lead their gardens all by themselves for who knows how long #why yes I am making this kids movie more depressing than I should #but hey I’m Lady Luxo welcome to my blog lol #gnomeo and juliet

[farefal]

Every year Eurovision is trending and a bunch of Americans are like “what is this I am scared :(“ and it’s like wow I wonder what THAT’S like…….

#breaking news cultural events happen outside the us #no fr tho I’m glad something that’s not american or depressing political stuff is annually trending #bitches be out here like I’ve never heard of this that’s PREPOSTEROUS #eurovision #why am I so mad abt this lol

[charletto]

This race was exhausting peace love spa see you next year (unfortunately)

#i want to go to sleep at 5pm #the ferrari depression and anxiety do not pair well together #i also turned the tv off for like 40 minutes because i didnt want to watch lol #anyway charles baby i love you I’m so sorry #carlos you could have been better but I’m not mad at you you trued #you know who i am mad at? #ferrari #fuck those bitches #f1 #charlie #carlos sainz #spa 2022

[linpunny]

ARE YOU STILL ALIVE

-the smol gay who is VERY WORRIED

I didn’t even see this but yes I’m alive 🥺

#seasonal depression is a bitch #I love how I knew who were lol #I’m fine just tired like super sleepy tired