#I’ve been contemplating opening an ask blog for them

[itzbwmbi]

CAKE BY THE OCEAN ! +18

— “but you're moving so carefully, let's start living dangerously.”

#: my first post on this blog!!! summer-related ‘cause why not. i’ve been dying of heat over here so this is kinda refleshing ngl. 👀 like & rb if you like, it really helps my new blog!!, and ofc, send asks and reqs if you want to:) they're open!

ﾉ summary: in which their desire to fuck you increases even more with the arrival of summer. even in public.

ﾉ content warning: f! reader, modern au, all is consent, stablished relationship, switch! thoma, unprotected sex, public sex (thoma), cockwarming (thoma), creampie (thoma), pet names baby + princess (thoma), dom! childe, semi-public rough sex (childe), he's a bit mean but that's cool :), he puts his fingers on your mouth (idk how's it called sry), pet name doll (childe), hints of dacryphilia and overstimulation (childe), dom! kaeya, public fingering (kaeya), overstimulation (kaeya), mention of punishment (kaeya), praising (kaeya), pet names honey + pretty girl (kaeya) if something's missing lmk.

ﾉ characters: thoma, childe, kaeya + f! reader (separate)

thoma. ∿

“we... we shouldn't be doing this!” a flushed thoma mumbles, unable to breath at what his eyes contemplate — you pushing your tight bikini panties aside with one finger, sliding down on him whisl the pink tip of his cock shoves into your pretty cunt slowly but surely, his girth making its way through your already wet folds, prepared just for him. the boy's hands were firmly gripping the armrests of the beach chair, knuckles turning white from the force of trying not to let out any loud moan. poor thoma was so tense but so desperately horny that he couldn't back down from your suggestion to help him ease his hard cock in the middle of the beach. there weren't many people around, and those who were looking at you with curiosity only saw a couple being quite affectionate, innocently hugging each other while you were sitting on top of him. they didn't know that he was balls deep into your pussy, cock twitching every time your sly eyes met his gaze.

“don't worry, baby, no one knows what we're doing.” you whispered, getting closer to his lips to silence the complaint that was about to come out of his mouth.

but he was actually enjoying all of that. inside, deep inside, having people walk past you innocently without knowing what was happening a few feet away made him even harder. although the only thing that made his moans be heard was you switching on his lap, your hips moving from side to side, forcing thoma to take his hands off the chair and plant them on your hips, pressing down so you'd stop teasing him, crescent marks of his nails showing on your skin. not many seconds later, he was totally flushed, breath taken away and legs shaking slightly. his agape mouth letting out louder moans, panting against your lips, making it clear that he was about to cum inside you, his hands now moving your hips up and down on his cock shamelessly. was someone looking or hearing the clear skin to skin wet slapping? well, he was too stimulated to care. his eyes rolled to his skull, lifting his hips in one last encounter with yours, and releasing all of his hot seed inside your cunt, filling you up oh so nicely. who'd say sweet thoma would be so filthy in public.

“ahh..~ hold on, stay there a little more... please, do it for me, princess, please...”

childe. ∿

“shhh, they'll hear us if you keep whining so loudly. c'mon, you've taken it before... i'm sure you can do it again.” childe amusingly cooed from behind next to your ear. but it was literally impossible to be quiet right now. tears threatened to roll down your rosy cheeks. childe's cock slid in and out of your sloppy pussy mercilessly, your walls tightening around his length each time he reached the deepest spot and left you on tip-toes, boobs squashed against the cold wall. luckily, the locker room door was closed and secured with a latch, but that wasn't enough to make you go unnoticed. you weren't going to keep quiet, not if childe kept pounding into you with such animalistic intensity.

“...too much, s’too much...!” you whimpered louder than you should have, forcing childe to raise his hand to your mouth, his fingers against your cherry lips muffling your cries quite effectively. even when you heard footsteps approaching your door, childe was still thrusting your sore pussy like his life depended on it. his sweat trickled down his forehead, keeping the strands of his bangs glued to his skin, and his breathing was ragged. it was worthy of admiration the stamina he had when he put his mind to it.

a couple of knocks on the door made you gasp, and childe inserted his index and middle fingers into your mouth in an attempt to shut you up. you obediently sucked on his slender digits as he replied in a raspy and unsympathetic voice. “occupied! and it's gonna take long!” then he removed his fingers from your mouth, a mischievous smile darkening his features, leaning close to your ear once more to whisper in it.

“do you want to tell them something too, or you're not gonna talk anymore, doll? you seemed quite chatty a few seconds ago.”

∿ kaeya.

“honey, there are people watching us, keep your composure.” kaeya uttered quietly, seemingly innocent of whatever is happening to you. the reality was very different. beneath that nonchalant expression and under the surface of the water, two of his fingers were stuffed deep into your cunt, widening your gummy walls, hooking them to reach your most sensitive spot without even breaking a sweat. your poor lips were red from biting them, trying hard not to make a sound. how could kaeya ​​be so cruel? making you cum on his fingers for the nth time since you entered the hotel pool. he was so fucking good at fingering, but he always takes it too far.

your abused clit was already swollen, and it still wasn't enough for your boyfriend ​​to stop right there. you don't have to wait long for another orgasm to make your stomach churn with pleasure and pain, overstimulation killing all your strength. if it wasn't for kaeya's grip, you'd be diving into the water, totally exhausted.

“that's right, good girl,” kaeya praised you, finally pulling his fingers out of your numb pussy. truth be told, kaeya was beginning to feel the consequences of his actions, and a prominent bulge was noticeable in his swimsuit. luckily under water nobody could notice it.

“that was impressive, pretty girl... oh, don't look at me like that — you can punish me later, if you wish. i deserve it, after all.”

© itzbwmbi.

#genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin smut #genshin thoma #thoma x reader #thoma smut #genshin childe #childe x reader #childe smut #genshin kaeya #kaeya x reader #kaeya smut #bwmbi.smut #genshin impact smut

[buckys-little-belle]

HELLFIRE BABYSITTING CLUB? I NEED MORE!

Hellfire Babysitting Club (Part Two)

Little Trees

Eddie Munson x Little!Reader (They/Them Pronouns Used)

Warnings - Reader does eat food, reader rips an entire baby tree out of the ground, don’t worry it’s okay, FLUFF

Note - I LOVE WRITING THIS, genuinely I can’t stop, I’m so sorry

SFW - Please keep all interactions with this post and this blog SFW

- - - - - -

“Okay.” Eddie sighed, grabbing the chair Y/n once sat in and moving it next to his, placing their backpack on the floor along with their water bottle. “Boys, what snacks did you find on your quest?” He asked, finally sitting in his throne, legs spread and arms resting on the arm rests, a large smile plastered on his face.

Y/n stood at the door, still as a statute as everyone’s eyes seemed to be trained on them. “Um.” Dustin coughed. “Are you okay Y/n?” He asked, looking from Y/n to Eddie, to the newly moved chair.

“Mhm.” They murmured. “Jus’ feelin’ weird ‘s all.” They said as they shifted their weight from one foot to another.

“Yes, Y/n is feeling a bit out of sorts, so I will be so humbly keeping an eye on them.” Eddie informed, his hand on is chest and words dramatic.

The boys who sat around the table looked at each other confused, but didn’t dare say anything. Eddie was weird, he had his quirks, but this behaviour was strange for even him. “Little Fairy, come take a seat.” Eddie said, gesturing towards the chair that now sat next to him.

Y/n heated up at the use of ‘little’ in front of their usual nickname. As they walked towards their seat they saw many packaged snacks laid out on the table, Wagon wheels in individual packages, french fries, most likely cold, in small cardboard bowls, and juice boxes, many many juice boxes.

Mike began sorting through some of the goods. “The lunch lady gave us some left over fries from the homemaking class, wagon wheels, and like you asked, juice boxes.” He said, grabbing a bowl of french fries and an orange juice box for himself. “I don’t know why you asked for juice boxes but I forgot how good they are.” He laughed, putting the straw into his own, smiling as he began to drink some.

“Would you like apple or orange juice Little Fairy?” Eddie whispered, seeing how Y/n was peeking at all of the items laid out on the table.

“Um.” The contemplated, genuinely taking into consideration which juice they would rather. “Orange pease?” They asked, unsure of their answer.

“Of course.” Eddie smiled, reaching over his already set up station to grab an orange juice box, grabbing some fries and wagon wheels to share too. “You want one of these?” He asked, opening the red packaging and offering a chocolate covered treat to an unsuspecting Y/n.

They nodded their head, reaching for the snack from Eddie’s hands. “What do you say?” He asked, making Y/n do a double take, no one had ever really been around them when little, let alone make sure they were behaving.

“Pease? ‘nd thank you.” They said, a small pout on their face. Eddie smiled, proud of Y/n for being so polite.

“Good job.” He whispered, handing them an already opened juice box. Y/n smiled back, they hadn’t expected to be treated so kindly and genuinely accepted in this state. The warmness that radiated from Eddie was so easy to miss, his cold exterior helped to hide this truly calm and kind person that so many would never know.

The game went on, Y/n watching from their chair, peeking at Eddie’s notes and gasping when they managed to make out a few words, finding the current campaign extremely fascinating, Eddie’s acting and true dedication making it even more entertaining.

“Okay everyone, that’s it for today.” Eddie called out. The group around him mumbling in disappointment and anger. “Hey!” He shouted. “Last time we stayed a little later we got locked in and then sent to detention for trespassing. I love this club but I’ve got to graduate and ANOTHER detention is not something I can afford right now.” He stated, his one hand on his hip as the other pointed to the other club members. His demeanour making him seem like an agitated parent instead of a cool club leader.

The boys all began to clean their things up, their mumbling continuing as they began to work out rides home. “Y/n?” Mike called out, already standing at the door ready to leave. “Ready to go? Nancy should be here by now.” He mentioned, his arm motioning to the hallway that lead to the parking lot.

Before Y/n could answer, or pack up their bags Eddie cut in. “Y/n promised to help me out with some school work after the club meeting.” He said, his attention focused on cleaning up rather than the actual conversation at hand.

“So.” Mike looked confused, his mind not totally grasping the concept of Y/n staying later. “Should I tell Nancy to wait then?” He asked.

“Mike.” Eddie looked up, an exhausted smile on his face. “I will drive Fairy home.”

“Oh.” The whole group said at once, everyone looking at the two with confused expressions, their minds wandering to what the two could actually be up to.

“It’s not like that.” Eddie laughed. “Just go, I’ll see you all at lunch tomorrow.”

As everyone left Y/n stayed put, sitting nicely in their seat, a half eaten wagon wheel laying on their leg, and a juicebox in hand. “‘m sorry Eddie.” Y/n blurted out as Eddie began stacking chairs and cleaning up.

“For what Fairy?” He questioned, turning his attention to a confused Y/n.

“You shouldn’t hab to take care of me.” They sighed, their fingers absentmindedly playing with each other as a distraction. “You’re too nice.”

“Don’t apologize Fairy.” Eddie said, crouching down in front of the chair they were sat in. “I missed taking care of a little one, so please know I am very happy and I like talking care of you.” Eddie quickly kissed Y/n on the forehead before gathering up some of the garbage and getting rid of it, eager to get out of the school he disliked so much.

After a few seconds of confusion Y/n spoke up. “Whaddyou mean?” The questioned, their head leaning to one side as they stared at Eddie from across the room.

Eddie chuckled, leaning his head in the same way. “I used to have a friend who was sometimes little, just like you.” He began walking towards Y/n, picking up their backpack and placing it on his back. “They left town a year ago, I just missed being needed by someone, and here you are.” He booped their nose, making Y/n giggle. “Needing me.”

“So you need me too?” The whisper, still a little weary about really accepting the kindness Eddie was so happy to offer.

“Yes little fairy, I need you too.” Eddie smiled, grabbing Y/n’s hand and pulling them out of their chair, making them walk in front of him, his hands on their shoulders.

- - - - - -

Even though Y/n was weary at first, they eventually warmed up to Eddie, finally realizing he really did want to help and be there for them. It was weird at first, Y/n tried to not regress that often, still feeling bad that Eddie felt the need to take care of them. It was a nice idea, not having to be so scared when regressing because someone would look out for them, but at the same time it was scary putting their trust in someone so new and unfamiliar.

Eddie had laid some ground rules, he would be driving them home from now on, that way no one would suspect anything when Y/n needed to be driven home when little, it was easier to hide when everyone was used to so many aspects. He also made sure Y/n knew to meet up after school at the small picnic table in the woods, his favourite spot to sit and an easy place to find for the new kid. He so made sure Y/n knew to go to said picnic table if anything happened during the day, he often visited the table throughout the day and could run into them if something went wrong.

Which is why Y/n was now sat at the picnic table during lunch, their backpack long forgotten at the table as they wandered around the surrounding trees. Nothing was wrong, they just felt small and wanted to see Eddie. “Fairy?” They heard in the distance, Eddie’s voice slightly distraught and worried. “Fairy?!” He called louder this time.

“Hi!” Y/n smiled as he came into view, their hands clasped behind them as they swayed side to side. Eddie rushed towards them, wrapping his hands around them as he shuddered slightly.

“Are you okay?” He asked, his hands on their shoulders as he scanned for any injurys. “What’s wrong.”

“Nofin’ jus’ wanted to see you.” They pouted, confused by Eddie’s sudden and scared actions. “Look!” They cheered, pulling what they thought was a flower from behind their back. “Picked up a flower for yous!” A large smile plastered on their face.

Eddie chuckled, he was now looking at a baby tree so clearly uprooted from the ground. “Fairy.” He said knowingly, another chuckle escaping his lips. “That’s a baby tree, not a flower.” He said as he plucked the tree from Y/n’s hands.

“No.” Y/n argued. “‘s not a tree, ‘s a flower!”

“Fairy look at all of these.” He said, playing with the roots of the tree as he walked onwards the picnic table, sitting on the bench, Y/n following and standing in front of him. “Theses are the roots.”

“Nu uh.” Y/n shook their head, tears beginning to accumulate, genuinely regretting picking what they thought was a flower. “Oh, I killed a baby tree.” They cried, their hand gently petting the small, well, branch that Eddie held.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Eddie reasoned. “Look, we can just plant it back where it came from okay?” Y/n nodded quickly, ready to save the tree. “Where did you pull it from?” He asked, waiting for Y/n to guide him to the, most likely large, hole in the ground.

“‘m I think here.” They said, running to a small patch of loose dirt, actual flowers surrounding the tree’s original resting place.

“You didn’t want to give me any of these flowers?” Eddie asked as he crouched down, making a hole in the dirt to replant the tree.

“Dey weren’t special like you.” Y/n explained, looking at Eddie, his tongue sticking out slightly as he concentrated. “Dis one was.” Y/n said as they once again petted the tree.

“Well I appreciate your thoughtfulness.” Eddie said, finally burying the trees bottom half in the dirt, whipping the dirt off his hands as he stood up. “Let’s go get some lunch hm?” He asked, grabbing Y/n’s bag from the table and motioning to the entrance of the small opening.

“Otay, you think they made fries?” Y/n asked, hoping for a yes.

“I don’t know Fairy.” He said, looking back to the newly planed tree as Y/n skipped off towards the school. “Little terror.” He whispered, chuckling to himself. He would definitely have to make a small sign to put next to the tree, and would also have to remember to water it, he couldn’t let it die. Not on his watch.

#eddie munson little fic #eddie munson fic #eddie munson age regression #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x little!reader #eddie x reader #eddie munson #stranger things #stranger things age regression #age regression fic #age regression

[wolfboy88]

I’ve been having a really hard staying in this fandom. I’ve been on the outside looking into the thiam fandom for so long and wishing to have engagement with other writers, but it’s not happening . I don’t know how to get over the hurdle of just writing for me.

I go back-and-forth all the time about if I should find another fandom, but then I worry it might be me that’s the problem here.

Anyway, I’m telling you this because I would like to believe that I’m not the only person that’s felt isolated in this fandom and I wanted some advice . Writing has saved my life in a sense and it’s hard to break away from 

First of all, I just want to start off with that I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling and feel isolated. That really sucks and I do hope it gets better.

Now, I’ve been contemplating about how to answer this ask since it hit my ask box this morning and I’m gonna try my best here but I might not be the best person for this.

I’ve been in this fandom for 2.5years now and I will admit when I first joined it was a little daunting/intimidating seeing all the connections and conversations already established between other blogs.

But I think the big thing is putting yourself out there, being active in rebloging others posts as well as your own stuff and participating in the various ask games and activities that circulate from time to time and send asks to the blogs you want to build a friendship with. Of course not every game is gonna be your cup of tea and there’s no rule saying you have to play all of them. I just found it helped me connect with other blogs and build a rapport.

I also recognised some of the blogs from the authors fics I read/follow on Ao3 and comment on their works. Trust me, us fan fic writers love when someone takes the time to comment on our work and we do notice/remember usernames that pop up frequently in our inboxes.

And the important thing is to remember it takes time to build the rapport. It’s not just gonna happen magically overnight and you will have to be patient. But Without knowing how long or what you have tried already makes it a little tricky to give you advice but these things were things that helped me and I hope that has helped you some.

Also, if you want to have more than one fandom, there’s no reason why you can’t.

Plus there is a thiam discord if you are interested. @ksbbb are you able to attach a new link to this post?

But most importantly, and as much as we all crave the views and the kudos and the likes and comments and validation, fanfic writing is supposed to be fun. Escapism for some of us. And if it’s helping you, please don’t stop or give it up.

If you wanna keep chatting, my inbox is always open or you can direct message me if you like.

#thanks for reaching out #i hope this is okay! #and I really hope it helps in some way

[detectivelokis]

WiP Whenever

Tagged by: @kyber-infinitygems @eclecticwildflowers @jacobseed @g0dspeeed @vampireninjabunnies-blog @emotionalcadaver @clicheantagonist @inafieldofdaisies @socially-awkward-skeleton @direwombat @sstewyhosseini over the last week 🖤 Sorry for being bad with the reblogs lately! Especially today when I’ve been more preoccupied with the bad storms hitting us.

Tagging: @nightwingshero @jinfromyarikawa @baldurrs @marivenah @aceghosts @madparadoxum @confidentandgood @derelictheretic @fourlittleseedlings @simonxriley @poisonedtruth @jacobsneed @leviiackrman @euryalex @clonesupport @captastra @xbaebsae @strangefable @nightbloodraelle @gwynbleidd @risingsh0t and anyone else who wants to tag me. Head is like mush right now.

It’s almost close to four in the morning when John makes it back to the ranch from his impromptu meeting with the other heralds. The plan he had formulated just hours earlier had been a success and after hours of patrolling the farm, his chosen, alongside Jacob’s, took a hold of Kellet's for themselves. Blood had been shed, as was to be expected, but after the other day, Mr. Kellet and his farm hands needed a lesson in decorum and this was his way of teaching them.

As he creeps quietly inside his bedroom, he spots Charlene in his bed, sound asleep and curled up in the fetal position; her freckled skin bathing in the moonlight. The patient and respectful part of him tells himself to let her sleep. After many nights of nightmares and restless sleep, she deserves this peaceful slumber.

The other side of him disagrees. And unfortunately for her, John cannot control himself. His desire to tell her everything that happened tonight bit by bit coupled with his need for something more… intimate wins out in the end.

Shedding his clothes, the Baptist hurriedly climbs into bed beside the sleeping woman, his hand reaching out to rest upon the soft exposed skin of her belly. “Are you awake?,” he whispers in her ear; his voice more husky and urgent than he anticipated.

“You’re home,” she mumbles as she backs into him, involuntarily snuggling into his hold.

John perks up at the way she calls his ranch “home”, a smile beginning to tug at his lips. “Did you really think I would leave you here alone all night? Especially after some of my men had a confrontation out at the Kellet farm?”

His words bring her to attention. Rolling onto her side, she gazes up at him, olive eyes bleary. “What happened at the Kellet’s? I thought you took care of that.” She pauses, chewing on her lip. “Legally.”

John finds her charming like this, brunette waves tousled and her normally high-pitched Montanan accent roughened by sleep. He reminds himself to wake her up more often.

“You’re right, I did. But you see, old Mr. Kellet couldn’t keep his mouth shut and I think we both know there’s just some things I cannot abide by.”

Charlie fiddles with the key to his bunker contemplatively, wrapping the silver chain around her fingers. “Did you kill him?,” she asks, harkening back to that night on the stairs when she asked a similar question.

Unlike then, John has a different response. “Yes,” is all he can say, blue eyes scanning her features in an attempt to gauge her reaction.

Her face remains composed as she leans back into the blue silk sheets, her hand that’s caught in his necklace pulling him down with her. “Okay,” she finally replies after what feels like ages. “Thank you for being honest with me. That means something.”

Leaning up, Charlie places a soft and gentle kiss to his lips, her free hand moving to comb through his dark locks. John can’t help but let his tongue coax her mouth open, letting it lazily glide against hers.

She whines at the contact before pulling away to rest her forehead against his, green eyes fluttering shut. “John,” she whispers ever-so-softly.

“Yes, Charlene?”

“Did you wake me up to talk to me or to fuck me?”

John falters for a brief moment. He was hoping his little wake up call would come off as a sweet gesture, one that she might even find charming. With a deep sigh, he absentmindedly brushes back the stray waves falling over her eyes.

“I was ideally aiming for both.”

“That’s what I thought.”

#trying very hard to fall in love with my work again 😭 #we’ll see if I follow the trend of never finishing this #anyway #they can be cute #even if she is in denial about them being a legit couple #this is just what worsties do! #they share the same bed every night and talk all night #wip tag

[sorroute]

i literally just came across your blog, but i like speed-read through your stuff so far, and you sound so fun?? akdljhfkajshfdsj like genuinely. anyway! so, i’d like to ask to participate? i’m a young adult, female and NSFW are fine if you have any ideas ^^

(this is a warning that this might end up really long ;-;)

Gender: female

Pronouns: she/her

Male or female character: straight, so preferably male, but this is for fun, so if you think a female would fit better, go ahead! i really don't mind ^^

Which fandom: BSD

Personality: i guess i should start with the generic MBTI? i’m either an INTP or INFP, depending on my mood – i’ve also been mistaken for an extrovert plenty of times, so there’s that ;w;

when i’m meeting new people, i’m pretty friendly, and i make friends with mANY different types of people. i’m perfectly fine with the idea of talking with strangers on a day to day basis, so i’m fairly confident in that regard. i do get tired easily, tho, in a social settling.

i don’t tend to talk more when i make friends with someone? i make more jokes, sure, and i speak a little more freely, but, in general, i think i talk less when i’m around my friends. not because i feel like i can’t express my thoughts; i just prefer to listen, rather than talk. not to say we don’t have chaotic moments together, i’m just. yeah, a listener XD

i’ve been told that i’m very easy to open up to. i try my best to make whoever it is i’m talking to, comfortable and heard – and i do pride myself on being a nonjudgemental person – so it makes sense.

i’m pretty cheerful! i don’t get upset very easily, and i’m very easy-going. like, i don’t think i’v ever had a fight with friends. i’m very much the mediator, if i’m even involved in any drama (VERY rare). although, i’m a bit more subdued around my family, i’m also the same around them.

i’m VERY empathetic, but i don’t come across as that, because i’m not a very emotional person (usually a stereotype of empathetic people). i feel a lot, but i regulate them well and don’t express much. i worry a lot about other people, probably a little too much, actually, and, in that, i tend to ignore my own problems.

to deal with the stress, i take care of other people? like, i’ll cook dinner, send messages, send care packages, that sort of thing? my love language is CLEARLY acts of service and/or gift giving. i just prefer doing things for people, rather than people having do things for me; i feel very awkward about it (not that i don’t appreciate it!! i just don’t know what to do TwT). i’d love for physical affection to be one of my love languages, tho!! i’m working on it (•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑

i get stressed really easily, and i don’t cope with it very well. i don’t take it out on others, i just turn inwards, if that makes sense. i hate vulnerability, in myself, so i simply pretend like i’m perfectly fine (not to sound edgy lmao). i believe it, for the most part, tho i am trying to get better at being more open. i am a bit of an anxious person, i admit, and me and my friends joke about it, as all friends do ;w;

i’m creative and analytical! love making things, and love analysing media. tho, i am a bit critical of both my own and others work. i just have high standards, man. i am a bit of a thinker, as in, i contemplate the deep stuff, and i like discussing things like that, in moderate amounts ;w;

i like to think i have a good sense of humour XD i'm witty, and i make my friends laugh a lot, and catch acquaintances off-guard.

i’m also quite brave?? that sounds really weird to say, but i am. maybe it’s a bit of stupidity as well, but if someone needs help, i just? help them? like, even if that requires me scaling up scaling up a dodgy cliff or something.

i feel a bit dull as a person, actually, because i spend a lot of my energy trying to reflect the best of someone back at them, so i feel like i haven’t fully developed, if that makes sense. that’s something i’m working on, too hehe

anyway! now that i’ve spilled my guts in this, i will now apologise for it being so long!!

Any hobbies: creative writing, reading (both fiction and non-fiction), producing (music) and singing (choir heck y e a h – tho on a seriously note, i do really enjoy singing, and i’ve been told by people that i have a very sweet voice (i hold that very close to my heart akjldhfkjashdf)), learning languages (right now trying to increase my Japanese vocab and introducing myself to Korean :D), trying to learn how to dance because i SUCK, cooking (best compliment is being told i’m a great cook), i dabble in art a little, since i’ve always been drawn to art, i love a good day trip outside, anything from hiking to the beach!

Appearance: i’m 175cm and have a pretty slim build. tho, i’m getting back into exercising (after injuring myself and not being able to continue my sport :,) and now i’m too far behind in skill to do it ;-;) because i’ve lost a bit of muscle. i’m half-Japanese, half-Caucasian, so typical dark brown hair (pretty long, my dude), tho my eyes are quite a light brown (i frickin love my eyes you actually don’t understand). my style has gotten progressively more feminine as i get older, and i’m liking it. generally, either i have an art kid style or why are you wearing that that looks horrible. or some light dresses!

Aesthetic: soft or tough, no in between

Any problems you struggle with, whether it be mental or physical: probably have ADHD, but i don’t have the means to get it diagnosed ^^;

i literally wrote so much, and i know you said that the more the better, but!! adfjjsdhf if you did get to the end, thank you so much ;w; i hope you're having or had an amazing day!!

Aaaa hihi!! You seem so cool :3 It took me a while to find someone good to match you with and I was completely forgetting sigma existed .... I feel like you guys are made for eachother

Sigma

Your guy's first meeting was surprisingly not that awkward

At least for Sigma's standards

You guys struck up a conversation pretty easily, and he seemed really chill, but was incredibly anxious on the inside

He was so insecure

"oh my god what if she thinks I'm weird?? Did I say something wrong?? She's so pretty what do I do oh my god help" - His thoughts when you two first met

Although as you two continued talking, he definitely started to warm up a lot more

He was baffled at how kind you were compared to his first impression of you (terrified and anxious)

(He thought you were super intimidating because of how pretty you were and he got all flustered and froze up)

That was probably the most comfortable he's felt while talking to someone before though

Like he genuinely adores you

You're his safe space :3

Loves how cheerful you are, it always makes him feel less stressed out

Sometimes asks you to help mediate fights in the casino

When you start taking care of him and helping him he's so grateful

And confused

Why are you doing this for him? He doesn't deserve it

(he does)

Once he catches on though, he 100% tries to help you too

I mean, he was already trying to do that from the start, but now he's extra worried about you

I feel like you guys would be really similar with coping so when he feels stressed he likes to do stuff for you and when you're stressed you do stuff for him and usually when one of you is stressed the other is too so you guys kind of end up taking care of eachother

This relationship would definitely a good learning experience<3

Both of you struggle with vulnerability, just in different ways

He tries to help you to open up more, and he begins to feel more comfortable doing so as well

He likes your analytical side because it helps him think more rationally rather than a spur of the moment anxious decision he made last minute

Always goes to you for advice, but feels guilty in doing so because he feels like he's being a bother and he should be more independent :(

He's amazed and so touched at how far you'll go to help others

That's probably one of his favorite things about you :3

Although he loves everything about you

He listens to your music all the time, and asks if he can listen to some unreleased stuff because it makes him feel special

Like it was made just for him <333

HE WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT IF YOU EVER SANG HIM TO SLEEP

He would probably cry tbh

Happy tears

Loves your voice so much, it immediately calms him down whenever he's having an anxiety attack or is just feeling down or insecure

Definitely tries to learn Korean with you

I feel like he'd know Greek, so if you were ever open to the idea he would LOVE to teach you :3

You guys both suck at dancing it's okay

He thinks dancing is really romantic (depending on the type of dance) but is also super embarrassed to actually try to learn how to dance

His insecurities get the best of him

But if you ever asked, he would try to learn for you <3333 (/with you)

NSFW BELOW THE CUT

He's either a needy sub or a soft dom

When he doms he's so so so soft

Loves telling you everything he loves about you and how amazing you are

When he subs.... He's still so so so soft

Physically and emotionally

His hair feels like cotton candy

It's almost a guarantee that he will start to cry

LOVES being praised by you

But is too shy to ask :(

He feels like he doesn't deserve it

Be careful if you praise him too much though he might have a breakdown

He's loud, but tries to be quieter so he can hear your noises better <3

Because like I said, he adores your voice

Either way, dom or sub, he just wants to make you feel good and loved <333

A/N

TYSM FOR THE COMPLIMENT<3333 I kept coming back to your ask just to look at it because it made me so happy. Also you seem sosososo cool and amazing??? I know I said this at the beginning of the post but it's true :3 Also it's completely fine that it was long!! I loveloved reading about you!!! ໒꒰ྀི >ヮ<꒱ྀི১ Have a wonderful day/night anon, and I would love to hear any feedback or constructive criticism from you if you have any :3

#bsd x reader #bsd x you #bungou stray dogs #matchup event #bsd #bsd sigma #sigma x reader #sigma x you #bsd sigma x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader

[a-mag-a-day]

Date: March 26th, 2023

Episode of the day: MAG 156 Reflection

"You know, I- I’ve been wondering about your batteries. Like, could I just take the batteries out each time one of you appears, and just- have an infinite supply of batteries? I mean- I won’t; don’t worry, don’t really have anything that needs them these days.

Also, I know there’s every chance that you don’t even have any, and it’s just empty, and, well… I’m not really sure that’s something I want to confirm.

Or, I open up your compartment and it’s like- meat, or maggots, or something. (slight pause, contemplative) Mm.

Emptiness or maggots. (he exhales) It’s kinda the shape of things around here, isn’t it?"

MAG 156 transcript

MAG 156 Wiki

MAG 156 on YouTube

TW's can be found in the transcripts

Asks and submissions are open for episode 156! Send your reactions, insights, memes, art, etc., Regarding today's listen or tag this blog in your post.

For more information check out this blog's pinned post.

Enjoy!

Previous episode ||| next episode

#Tma #the magnus archives #a mag a day #opening post #mag 156

[handmadehazefromtheheart]

An Engaged Update

I’ve been waiting for a moment of calm so I could wrap up the HH’s goings-ons in a narratively satisfying blog post. Things haven’t really calmed for me, though, so this one will have a lot of loose threads.

Since my last big update, I have arranged a functioning Linktree for convenience, and I updated my website with a new landing page and ToS. Plans to start paying for my own domain are still up in the air.

As I’ve said on social media, the shop itself is closed because I’ve moved back to Germany, and I need to sort some things out. In the meantime, I’ve been working diligently on preparing for a more permanent reopening!

Just the other day, I decided to redesign the logo.

I wanted to connect the H’s and make them flippable. As you can see, I also decided to — not exactly rename Handmade Hearts, but I made the logo with the German “Herz,” which means “heart” (pronounced like if the “ear” in “hearts” sounded like “air”). It felt appropriate. I’m going to see about registering my business with the German government once I have my long term residence permit that allows me to work. Once I have all the legal stuff sorted, I will be opening up again on the newly launched Artisans Cooperative markeplace.

I already have my own page on the marketplace, and I’ve even bought in as a member-owner. The price to share in co-operative ownership is anything between $1,000 on the spot and $10 combined with essentially working for the Coop in my own time over the next year. Can you guess what option I chose? (Hint: I’m not exactly employed at the moment.)

Before I joined the Artisans Coop, I was and still am involved with the Indie Sellers Guild. I run their official Tumblr and help to verify new members. Current projects we’ve got going on there include:

Pressuring Etsy to let up on its harmful business practices

Working with U.S. legislators to pass a bill to crack down on resell scams

Developing a program to accredit online marketplaces using university-funded research

I should note, my joining the Artisans Cooperative won’t mean that I’m leaving Ko-Fi. My page there is very useful for one-off donations, and I might someday use it for monthly donations à la Patreon. I might cross-post listings for reach, too. Details… are still a bit loose.

Hold on, monthly donations? For what?

I’m glad you asked! For full access to my patterns — and probably discounts to other things. I’ve been doing a lot of work to write and test my original crochet patterns. So far, I’ve had one pattern fully tested and uploaded, with plans for much, much more.

Germany, co-ops, guilds, patterns… It’s a lot going on. Here’s a paragraph to breathe. I hope you’ll stick with me to the end of the post. Please remember, while I have the support of my partner and community, I am just one body and brain. (And I’m working with not entirely abled versons of each.) If it seems as though things should be happening faster or more efficiently, do keep that in mind.

I haven’t even discussed my inventory yet.

Since the beginning, I’ve been contemplating and recontemplating what I wanted to sell. I knew from the start that I wanted to design it all myself; that’s what makes experimenting and pattern-writing so important. Now, I’m close to a solid decision, and I love to make animal plushies and embroidery art.

While working on the aforementioned legal stuff, I’ve been building an inventory of original animal plushies (some of them cat toys), bags, fidget balls, bracelets, hats, and scarves. All of it is crocheted, though I’d like to expand into knitted and sewn items in the future. I am working on multiple amigurumi cat designs, and a songbird design. There will also be further work and testing on the snake pattern –– and it’s not just the shapes; no, I’ve developed designs for tapestry crochet that are yet to be redrafted into something testable.

I don’t have much of anything embroidered in my inventory yet. I’ve been commissioned once for some art, and I’m content for now to keep it at commissions.

Embroidery wasn’t even on my radar when I first decided to make Handmade Herz, but I have fallen in love with it. I’m currently putting some practice into portrait embroidery, which may end up becoming a staple of HH if all goes well.

A lot of loose threads we’re weaving… and I don’t even know how to weave.

You may be wondering about the title of this blog post, “An Engaged Update.” I thought it was a little bit punny, or it might be if I’ve managed to make this engaging.

I am engaged!

I have been, technically, for some time, but now it’s on a legal level. I’ll be getting married in late November. The original plan was to get married in summer, so I went ahead a few months ago and made my partner a “wedding” dress just in time for the July pride parade in our city.

This dress was the most ambitious project I have ever taken on, if only because it is a wearable of that many stitches. I was so afraid of getting it wrong! But it turned out beautiful and comfortable, and a proof of concept for my ability to make wearables this big. Someday, I hope to include original clothing designs in my inventory.

Thanks for reading to the end. I will try to write more frequent blog posts, hopefully with more narrow themes. I’ve still yet to be a vendor at a craft market, partly because of everything going on and partly because I’m very nervous. I will be writing something up about my experience when it finally happens.

Stay strong.

#craftblr #Blog posts #captioned #Crocheting #Embroidery #Indie sellers guild #Artisans Cooperative #Handmade shop #shop indie

[darkcircles4lyfe]

Just wanted to say I absolutely love all your meta on bkdk! I wanted your opinion on chp 348. As much as i love the fact we didn't get the izuocha confession, tsuyu's dialogue made it seem like it'll be just be happening later. And also the fact that the chapter was titled unrequited and hence we didn't get it has been nagging me with the addition of katsuki's narration. Does it mean his will also be unrequited? I know that they had other opportunities but maybe hori wanted uraraka to first have some development as a character individually rather than just reducing her to the romantic interest. As much as i wish bkdk to be canon, it's a slim possibility. No hate but I'd rather have a open ending than izuocha getting together (even if there's development implied with timeskip)

Thank you!

Tsuyu basically saying she doesn’t want people speaking about a secret her friend holds dear is. I mean yeah it doesn't look promising. Tsuyu strikes me as the discreet bff character who Ochako has probably confided in about how she feels. But just because her statement more or less confirms Ochako’s crush, that doesn’t mean Ochako’s going to confess her feelings. She never once mentions wishing she could be with Izuku or wishing he knew how she felt. So I think there’s a good change she decided she didn’t want to pursue her crush, maybe because it distracted her from her career goals. She may have told Tsuyu this as well. Based on how she’s been acting since Katsuki’s apology, it even feels to me like at this point she’s not only “pushing her feelings down,” but gotten over them entirely. She witnessed Izuku’s flaws and no longer idolizes his heroic qualities. She heard Katsuki talking about deeply personal parts of Izuku’s past and probably realized she doesn’t know Izuku as well as she thought she did. Both of those revelations are a major mood killer for romantic feelings. 

To address the rest of what you said, ya know I’ve contemplated the angle of like, is all this Horikoshi simply teasing izuocha for an even later moment? People who actually think the ship is gonna sail must be interpreting it that way. It’s like one of those optical illusions where you can see one of two images—like faces in profile vs. a vase, or a young vs. old woman. Izuocha looks canon and non-canon at the same time. Every moment we may think of as denouncing the ship, others may see as adding suspense. The classic will they/won’t they storyline is kinda odd in that it’s built on this suspense, but in a way it also relies on the audience being in on it to some extent. There’s an unspoken understanding that the couple will get together in the end. The audience is asking “how will this work out?” and not “will this work out?”

But listen, I write on this blog partly because I’ve decided it’s important to me to help ease the type of pessimism you’re describing. I want y’all to feel more confident, knowledgeable, and at ease about interpreting the story. Never mind just 348 though, I’ve already pretty much gone over it in depth. These days I’ve been looking back at the bigger picture with some hindsight and I think I’ve found the root of why this seemingly predictable ship is not what it seems. So if you don’t mind, I’d like to get into that instead. 

We can assume the ship is built on this premise: Ochako is someone who wants to help others and make them smile, and Izuku is foremost represented in this goal. Thus you can track the progression of their relationship by the moments when Ochako has helped Izuku out and by the development of Ochako’s motivations. Here is a basic timeline:

1. Ochako and Izuku meet. She saves him from falling twice with her quirk. Later she also intervenes to get him points in the entrance exam and ultimately an acceptance letter into UA.

2. They become friends, and Ochako is seen to be a general source of positivity

3. She helps him on a number of other occasions, including during the sports festival cavalry battle and joint training.

4. Independently, Ochako is impacted by the loss of Nighteye and by witnessing trauma and diminishing morale among other heroes. She applies these experiences to Izuku, seeing him for his frailties as a human being.

5. In the mission to bring Izuku back from self destruction, Ochako fully expresses this perspective. This is the climax of their subplot which is based on Ochako helping Izuku. It’s even symbolized in these panels flashing back their first meeting:

This is the entirety of their personal connection which can serve as a foundation for a romance. This is what they have. This is where all the preparation is. As the author of a story like this you’s think, okay, here is the theme, which I will establish and develop in stages. Once it has all come together, emotions between these characters are ripe for the picking. In the wake of a highly emotional full circle moment like Ochako’s speech, you take all of that stored energy and propel the relationship into a brand new stage. The climax of a story is followed quickly by a resolution because you don’t want to lose all of that momentum. Once the energy level is down, it’s down. It won’t come back up without starting over on the long trudge up the plot mountain. For izuocha’s plotline which revolved around how Ochako helped Izuku, the resolution happened at the cliff scene. And Horikoshi just. Let it all go. Nothing of substance to change the state of their relationship happened there. Izuku thanked Ochako for helping him. She dismissed it. I’ve had that panel stuck in my head ever since:

There’s awkward (translation?) phrasing here, but basically she’s saying “you always make a big deal out of nothing.” That what she did for him wasn’t anything super personal. Pay no mind. It really sticks out to me. It feels like it’s making a point. That single dialogue sums up the whole izuocha romantic plotline and tosses it in the trash. Literally, with this Horikoshi has thrown away what little build-up and opportunity he had to work with. The ship is back at square one. What else do they have to look back on now, to say, “hey, maybe we got something going here?” Nothing! When else is Izuku ever gonna develop a not-so-platonic appreciation for what she’s done for him? When else is Ochako gonna fess up and explain why she cares so much about him?

If you ask me, 348 was the last possible opportunity to squeeze that in, so now that Izuku has left the scene of Ochako’s fight, it’s clear the two are now on totally separate trajectories. Ochako’s fight might contain mentions of Izuku, but it will not involve him directly. With the context of izuocha being anticlimactic, 348 doesn’t look like a suspenseful tease, it looks like Hori making fun of people’s expectations—ya know, for making a big deal out of nothing.

Arguments in favor of izuocha happening have always been pretty thin. There just isn’t much to work with. But now more than ever I see a complete abandonment of canon in favor of the old, “this is just how shounen manga works. MC has to get with the girl.” It’s like, they literally have nothing else to back them up anymore. It’s probably gonna get even more common as they start to act more and more like indignant whining toddlers who aren’t getting their way. I’m gonna hunker down and wait it out, and hopefully at the other end of it the fandom will be a bit tamer.

#asks #lin speaks #bnha manga #bkdk #bakudeku #dkbk #dekubaku #bnha meta

[darkthingshappen]

Hiii, so I wasn’t sure if you’re ok with asks, so I wasn’t sure weather or not it was okay to ask, but I saw that you answered an Anon’s ask, so here I go:

About a month ago I read a prompt about a whumpee managing to hit their whumper, shortly after that I found your blog and I’ve been dying to know how would Volkov react if Ben hits him???

Feel free to ignore!!!!

Sorry this took so long Anon. I had to sit with this to sort of make it work. Apologies... Here - *kneels down and bestows you with requested whump* Also, below a cut for noncon reference. Heed the tags.

NO! Fuck no! Ben thrashed and struggled as Volkov tried to wrestle him down onto his bed again. No! Ben knew he absolutely should not fight, but he was so tired of Alexsei abusing him. If it was just sex he could probably handle just being fucked. But Volkov always like to play. And liked to make him participate.

Even knowing he couldn't win Ben was determined to make Volkov work for it. His foot connected with Volkov's hip, sending him slumping to Ben's left and causing Volkov to lose his grip on Ben's right hand. But Volkov wasn't phased. He scrambled back on top of Ben and pinned him, reaching for Ben's wrist.

Ben thrashed blindly and to his utter shock, his fist slipped past Volkov's hand and connected solidly with Volkov's jaw, snapping Alexsei's head to the side.

Both of them froze. Volkov turned his head slowly back to Ben, rage and fire in his cold gray eyes.

Oh shit! Ben's eyes widened and he knew he'd gone way past fucking up. Volkov snarled and grabbed Ben's hand. He punched Ben in the face repeatedly opening up a cut above Ben's left eye and splitting his lip. Volkov held both of Ben's wrists in his meaty hands. Volkov flipped Ben over so that he was on his stomach.

"Wait! Wait! I'm sorry. It was an accident. I didn't mean to hit you. Please. Please!" Ben screamed as his arms were twisted behind him and Alexsei pinned them in place with his knee.

"Oh you're going to wish you'd never done that, kitten! You don't get to mark me, you little shit!"

Ben sobbed into the sheets. His wrist cuffs were secured together. The Volkov pulled a leather strap out from his bedside table drawer. He bound Ben's elbows together, wrenching the leather tight. Lastly, he pulled a hook and chain down from the rigging in the ceiling and hooked it to the leather around Ben's arms. Ben screamed as his arms were yanked upwards. Volkov pulled him upward until both of his shoulders painfully dislocated. Ben's throat was raw from screaming. He worried he might never speak again after this.

"Tomorrow, Andrei will put your arms back in place. Until then, you'll hang there while I fuck you senseless and play with you until you can't hardly breathe. And then I'll settle down to sleep, while you contemplate the decisions you made tonight."

Ben was already in so much pain he could barely contemplate anything. But he'd spend the next several hours reconsidering if his fighting had been worth it. From the way his hands tingled and his shoulders screamed, he didn't think it was.

#asks #answered asks #brother's keeper #ben adkins #alexsei volkov #restraint #torture #suspension #implied noncon #noncon mention #joint dislocation #andrei fedorov #captivity #longterm captivity #kidnapping #whump #benjamin adkins oc #alexsei volkov oc #whump community #whump writer

[note-boom]

Getting Around Here...

All right, we’ve reached the point where I’ve been told I have 1000 posts on here, so I’m gonna make a navigation/what’s this blog about post so I don’t go insane...

What’s This Blog About?

Basically this started as a realization that I was saving way too many BSD-related links on the app I use to keep track of all my obsessions, reactions to things, etc. So I figured a Tumblr blog would be the solution, and now this is my archive of things I would usually just save as a link elsewhere (plus some thoughts of my own to spice it up a bit.)

Navigation Stuff

Now how do I tag things for future explorations?

Fandom Tags: #bsd, #bungo stray dogs, #bungou stray dogs (will be updated if I switch/tack on other fandoms)

Character Tags: In general, I just use [acronym] [character’s most used name]. Like #bsd atsushi. Sometimes, I use two like #bsd edgar allan poe/#bsd poe or #bsd gogol/#bsd nikolai gogol but only when I’m not sure what their most used name is. There’s also #bsd characters (for unnamed characters or just incorrect quotes) this one (when there are too many characters to tag) and group specific tags (armed detective agency, port mafia, bsd guild, soukoku, shin soukoku, there’s no naming consistency)

Meta Tags: #bsd musings (for literally anything that contemplates bsd) #bsd theories (for theories, specifically) #character analysis (metas about characters)

Specific Media Tags: #bsd official art, #manga things (anything that features the manga panels) #anime things (anything that features anime screenshots and the like) #light novel things (anything referring to the light novels) #stage play things (anything featuring stuff about the stage play) #bsd fanart, #bsd edits, #bsd gifset, #bsd fanfic. Of course, there will also be tags for the light novels specifically, which is usually just bsd [light novel name], and wan.

Additional Tags: #humor, #alternate universe, #crossover, #random fandom spamdom (generally fandom related either because of my tags or the post’s contents itself) #bsd fandom slander (mostly a subset of humor that lovingly slanders the characters) #not fandom spam (has nothing to do with the fandom specifically) #spitting nonsense (my posts) #rambling in the tags sorry (when I get a bit TOO carried away) #note re-reblogs (currently nonexistent but the time will come...i advise blocking this tag lest you wake up to find 50 posts rereblogged because I didn't want to queue them...)

Spoilers tags will be tagged bsd spoilers (for all of them), manga spoilers/bsd manga spoilers, and anime spoilers/bsd anime spoilers.

In (Rambly) Conclusion

Why am I writing this like a three-point thesis...ah never mind.

And that’s how I sort out my obsession with this stupid show. If any other piece of media seizes me by the throat like BSD has, then I’ll probably start posting about it here (but my fixations are usually short lived and thus onto main sideblog they go).

I tend to...ramble in the tags a lot, which I mildly feel bad for (there’s a reason why I generally just privately save things). So if you’re seeing this because I spam reblogged you and you wondered who in the world was crowding your notifs with tags, I’m sorry. I also try not to crawl out of the tags too much, though, just do so if they don’t fit my rambles (oops....)

I try and lessen the blow by slapping most everything on the queue (but I don’t tag what I queue, let there be CHAOS), so maybe that helps a bit?

That said, I DO love tags, so feel free to spam reblog whatever you want from here and comment-tag as much as you want...I LOVE seeing people say stuff (whether I agree or not, this IS just for fun). I don’t usually use the comment/reply section or the like button because I don’t actually do anything in my main blog (I just work off sideblogs, heh), so I’ll likely abuse the reblog button a lot or just hope my vibes of appreciation are psychically felt.

OH RIGHT!! Asks are always open. Feel free to scream at me about literally anything, ask anything, or share cool links and shiny stuff I can reblog/save (the last one especially because I am a magpie of fandom things). I generally have to be asked things to talk about them, so I do warn you that the right ask can really get me going.

And with that, back to spamming I go!

#spitting nonsense #to those of you who reached the end of this post i am shaking your hand #also some additional stuff? #i cope with liking bsd by bullying everyone as much as sobbing over them #and....honestly i cant think of anything #edit: bullying everyone meaning bullying the characters....should have clarified

[greenstarmotivation]

Once upon a time...

...I was happy, overjoyed. My days were filled with family (the one I created), friends, laughter, and growing. 

Now, my days are filled with my own thoughts, contemplation, sadness, and growing. 

I unintentionally hurt the ones I love the most. I suppose I felt slighted by them in some ways at the time. I’ve been told I “play the victim” but I assure you there is nothing fun happening here. No “playing” involved. I think I sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own trauma responses that I fail to see how much damage it causes others. 

I’ve been called abusive more than once and by more than one person, which means there’s some truth to what’s being said. My experience is that I am protecting myself from the misfiring neurons all triggering all pain receptors all at once on my brain. I start grasping at actions that will keep me safe. Blocking people on social media is a go-to response. Screaming at people to “STOP!!” when really I’m screaming for my trauma-brain to stop. 

The pain is unbearable. 

Every cell and fiber of my being hurts all at once from every trauma I’ve ever experienced. From childhood to womanhood. Every single one; physical assault, emotional assault, sexual assault, death of loved ones, car accidents, surgeries, broken bones, mis-healed broken bones, job loss, divorce, homelessness, verbal assault, shattered self esteem, weigh gain from traumas...being kicked out of people’s lives. 

It’s called “no contact.” I can’t say that I blame them. I can hardly stand myself when I’m triggered. I seriously can’t imagine being on the other end. I remember one day my daughter kicked my bad knee in her own trauma response. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I know our relationship came quickly to an end. There’s only so many times I can say, “I’m sorry” or “It wasn’t about you.” 

Two of my children, my younger sister, and someone I thought was my best friend all cut off contact with me within a few months of one another. The grief has been a journey of pain that rivals the two years that 22 people I knew had died. Actually, I think this pain has been worse because I hold out hope that maybe one day, someday, possibly, I’ll be the kind of person who is healthy enough to be worthy of one more chance. 

It’s been nearly two years.

I’ve been in trauma therapy for three years now. I’ve done counseling for nearly 30 years. Trauma therapy has been the best at helping me to navigate my emotional responses differently, as I’ve reprocessed most of the major traumas that were haunting me. However, occasionally, I’ll get pushed over my emotional edge and all the pain happens all at once... those are my bad days. Fortunately, they’re becoming more rare as time goes on. 

I attempted reconciliation and asking for forgiveness from my children. My attempts failed. My sister recently unblocked me from her social media, and it feels like someone deeply cut open an almost healed wound. I see how joyful she is without me in her life.

I’m angry and sad. 

It’s lonely here. 

I know I’ve grown into a different woman these past two years. I’m calmer now. I listen more. I talk less. I try to be more mindful of others without being codependent. I do my best to navigate life each day with more purpose. 

I remember the last time I wrote on this blog, I was being bullied from family for telling “secrets” about the generational abuse I suffered through. It seems so long ago. I think it’s time to finish my book. I think it’s time to publish and move on.

I think it’s time to heal. 

#greenstarmotivation #shineon #tammyblackday #glitter&dirt #healingishardwork #traumawork #traumahealing

[carolinemillerbooks]

New Post has been published on Books by Caroline Miller

New Post has been published on https://www.booksbycarolinemiller.com/musings/thoughts-on-human-silos/

Thoughts on Human Silos

Are writers soon to be replaced by Artificial intelligence (AI)?  A reader sent me an article that raised the question. Its genesis came from a story about a man who wrote a children’s book using AI. Once released, reports of the publication raised hoopla in the writing community. I wasn’t surprised. I asked the same question in a 2019 blog.  Having contemplated for years, I’ve decided not to worry about AI. Language is too fluid for algorithms to keep up with its changes. Last year, alone, the English-speaking world added 379 new words. Machine learning expands as the human mind explores. It can, for example, create endless iterations of Star Trek, but it can never race ahead, taking us to worlds where no thought has gone before. Writer Meghan O’Gleblyn gives us an example of why this is the case. (“Dear Cloud Support,” Wired, February 2023, pg 19.)  Apps can instruct us on how to meditate, but its practice is beyond their ken. Apps lack consciousness and that makes them incapable of enlightenment. Similarly, we may flock to social media for human connection, but it is a pale shadow of the real stuff.  A tangle of algorithms that speak in emojis can never emulate the warmth of a hug.  Frankly, I wonder if having 10,000 friends on Facebook matters if no one on the list knows I hate asparagus. Social media sites remind me of post-its on Craigslist. They advertise personal needs. Silos of the self are how I think of them. The goal may be to commune with others but the result can become an internal monologue that serves to increase the appetite for the human touch–the way sugar excites our hunger for salt. Silos can be dangerous, for when we seat ourselves at the center of the universe, we invite mental illness.   Narcissism is one risk. Self-love skews reality and makes the afflicted more rather than less vulnerable. Many believe Donald Trump, our 45th President, exhibited the hallmarks of narcissism: feeling superior to others; requiring constant praise, and engaging in destructive behavior when deprived of it. Some shrug and call him crazy. But narcissism isn’t a mental illness. It’s part of the Dark Triad which includes Psychopathy and Machiavellianism, traits that are malevolent but not pathological. The  Dunning-Kruger effect holds that ignorance and a lack of education are the sources of these maledictions. Yet, new research suggests otherwise.  Overconfidence is the culprit. People who are convinced they are superior seek the company of others similarly affected. They form strong bonds that make them impervious to challenges from outsiders. Even so, that inner faith makes narcissists vulnerable to anyone who chooses to exploit their delusion. In sum, confidence makes them lazy.  It’s easier to embrace familiar ideas than to keep an open mind.    I do not fear artificial intelligence.  I fear human thoughts that go awry. Self-love drives a person inward though the intent is to find connection. The resulting irony is both perilous and tragic.   As a species, we are nothing without each other.  No app can teach us that.  We must learn the truth for ourselves.  

#artificial intelligence #Craigslist #Dark Triad #Donald Trump #Dunning-Kruger #fluidity of language #Machiavellianism #Meghan O'Gleblyn #narcissism #psychopathy #social media #social media and loneliness #Star Trek #the ills of overconfidence #ways of human connection #writing with AI