#I'm gonna start introducing myself that way tbh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

amor1st03 · 1 year

Text

Flowers | Seo Changbin

Seo Changbin x fem!reader

office au, colleagues to lovers, friends to lovers, fluff, secret admirer sorta stuff

warnings: some swearing, a few suggestive remarks, bit of alcohol use but not main two love interests, that's it I believe, as always lmk if I missed anything

word count: 5.1k

in which: someone leaves flowers and notes at your desk, you're not sure who it is but there is one guy you're hoping it to be

a/n: based specifically on this cute flower almanac thing I found, I'll put a pic below. This is pretty much just me trying to daydream and romaticise my shitty 9-5 tbh, anyway, enjoy!

Skz masterlist

You were certain you were the only person in the world who actually liked Mondays. You were shocked, at first, when you found yourself actually looking forward to getting up and going to work. It was, after all, just a regular office job. What could ever make this exciting? You always used to ask yourself.

But that all changed the day the flowers started appearing.

Every Monday morning, when you got to your desk, you found some sort of flower laying on your desk. Sometimes it was a rose, sometimes a tulip, other times a carnation. But it was always accompanied by a post-it note with words of motivation or a compliment. The notes continued throughout the week, always leaving a smile on your face, the words written with such precision to try and make it harder for you to find out who exactly was leaving them.

This Monday morning was no different as you picked up the lily that was placed on your desk, reading the note that was beside it. 'You're not here at the time I'm writing this note, but I already know you look pretty today, you always do.' You couldn't help but smile at the note as you felt your cheeks warm slightly at the words of affection.

"Another flower from mystery loverboy?" Felix asked as he sat down at his desk beside you. "What's it say today?" You handed him the note, not even looking at him as you twirled the flower in your hand.

"God, that's so cute but nauseating at the same time," Felix said after reading the post-it, handing it back to you. "Who do you think it is? Seungmin? Minho from IT maybe?"

"I'm not sure. I'm hoping one day they'll say something that will give me a hint as to who they are."

"It doesn't really matter who they are, though, I know who you want it to be. Ch-"

"Shut up."

"Cha-"

"Felix, don't you dare say it."

"Changbin."

"Felix, be quiet, he might hear you." You slyly turned your head to look at Changbin who was sitting only a few desks down from yours. You were pleased to see he was too busy typing away on his keyboard to overhear your conversation with Felix.

"Just give it up already, Y/N, and tell him how you feel."

"No way, not gonna happen."

"Please, you're not the one who hears him talk about just how great you are. 'Y/N's so good at her job, Y/N's always so lovely' blah blah blah. It's obvious your feelings are reciprocated."

"He's just being nice but that doesn't mean he feels the same way, will you just drop it?" Felix rolled his eyes but turned to look at his computer screen before you continued. "I'm gonna make myself a cup of tea, do you want anything?"

"I'm good, thanks." He sighed, still frustrated about the fact that you wouldn't just come right out and tell Changbin that you've thought about him every day since your first day at the office.

You still remembered the soft smile he gave you as he introduced himself and the way it warmed your heart.

"It's really nice to meet you, Y/N." The way your name rolled off his tongue sounded like music. That was the first time you had ever thought your own name was beautiful.

You headed to the office kitchen, got a cup, and made yourself a drink. Your mind drifted off to Changbin again.

"Hi," A familiar voice said behind you. You jumped a little, turning around to see the very man you were daydreaming about. "Woah, sorry, didn't mean to startle you, Y/N." There it was again, your name slipping from his mouth ever so beautifully. It felt like a cool breeze on a warm day, relaxing you.

"Oh, hi, Changbin, sorry, I was away with my own thoughts for a moment there." You laughed awkwardly.

"It's alright. I do it all the time, sitting at my desk and staring at the screen. I swear half the work I get done I don't even remember doing."

"Honestly, I'm the exact same, the only thing that keeps me from my daydreams is Felix. I love the guy but he never stops talking."

"Well, he keeps things interesting."

"Yeah, I'm just waiting for the day he runs out of things to say."

"I don't think that's possible."

"You two can stop talking about me now," Felix's voice interrupted your conversation from the entrance of the kitchen as he walked into the room.

"I do not talk too much, you're just boring, Y/N."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Why are you in here, I thought you didn't want a drink?"

"I don't you were just taking forever so I came to make sure you didn't get lost."

"Felix, I've worked here for 2 years, I can't get lost."

"Can too. You're a bit dumb sometimes."

"Rude."

"But anyways, I see you're not lost, just busy talking. I'll leave you two to flirt." He turned on his heel as Changbin blushed at his words.

"We, uh, we weren't-"

"Felix, we weren't flirting!"

"Sure, and I'm the King of England. Keep it PG, we're in an office, any poor soul could walk in on you too."

"I hate him," You said to Changbin.

"He's really got no filter whatsoever, huh?"

"He's absolutely insane."

"Anyway, moving on..." Changbin tried to break the tension between the two of you. "Are you excited about the work party on Friday?"

"About the booze, yes, about the social interaction, no."

"It's fine, we could probably find some room to hide out in together. We'll keep that from Felix, of course, God knows what rumours he'll spread."

"Yes, that would be wise." You nodded in agreement. "Well, I'll leave you to it then, better get back to my desk."

"Yeah, stop Felix from talking Jeongin's ear off." You both laughed lightly.

"Yeah, I'll see you 'round." You moved away from him, not really wanting to leave. You wanted to stay with him and just talk forever but work called. With one last smile, you left the kitchen.

***

"Well, 5 o'clock, I'm off. You wanna walk out together?" Felix asked, signing off from his computer.

"No, I need to work over to get this done."

"Okay, well don't overwork yourself, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Alright, see you later."

This was your usual routine, most of the days you ended up staying later than you probably should do, trying to finish projects and documents, trying to meet deadlines. Besides, it gave you more over time and put you in the manager's good books. Changbin had a similar routine, he would stay and the two of you would end up walking to your cars together.

Today was no different. After about an hour you logged off and began packing your bag.

"Are you staying any longer?" You asked the man sitting a few desks down.

"No, I think I'm done for the day. Wanna walk out together?" He always seemed to finish just as you did. His timing was perfect.

"Always." You finished packing up, not forgetting to place the note in your bag, and picked up the flower. You both left the office together, walking to the car park, enjoying each other's company. You twirled the flower in hand, looking at the man beside you. How desperately you wished it was from him.

"You still haven't figured out who's leaving them then?" Changbin asked you. When they first started appearing, it was the talk of the office. Everyone was trying to figure out who left them. After a few weeks, people grew bored. Now only you and Felix pondered on who it could possibly be.

"Nope. I'm honestly no closer than I was on day one. I should probably come in early one day but I don't really wanna catch him in the act and startle him or something, you know? I'm kinda hoping he'll come forward and tell me himself." Changbin nodded in understanding.

"Yeah, I get that. Is there someone you hope it is?"

"Hmmm, not telling."

"Well, I'm taking your silence as a yes."

"Hey!" He chuckled a little at your outburst.

"I'm sure you'll find him eventually."

"Yeah, I hope so." Did he feel the tension in the air the way you did? You weren't sure. But your heart felt a little heavier after his questioning. How could it be him when he seemed so genuine in his questioning?

"What do you do with all the flowers and the post-its anyway?"

"It probably sounds really cringy but I keep them. I press the flowers using books, I used to love doing that as a kid and now it comes in handy. I keep most of the post-its in a little box but the ones that are particularly sweet or motivating I stick around my room. It's nice to wake up and see them and know that no matter what somebody sees me and cares. I don't know that probably sounds really stupid and overly sentimental."

"No, I think it's really nice."

"Tell that to Felix. He never stops teasing me for it. He thinks I should just interrogate everyone in the office until someone confesses."

"Well, it's not a bad idea."

"Don't agree with him. He's become a bad influence on you." You had reached your car now. You wished you had parked further down.

"Welp, here's my car."

"Yeah, I'm parked a few spots down. So I'll get off. See you tomorrow, then."

"See you tomorrow, Binnie." He smiled at the nickname.

***

Friday finally rolled around and the night of the work party. You were at home now after a long day at work, getting ready. You looked at the post-it notes stuck to your wall. Reading the note from Monday, you smiled to yourself.

Your manager had booked a ballroom at some fancy hotel that wasn't too far from your apartment so you decided you'd walk there and get a taxi home. You slipped on your heels, looking in the mirror one last time to make sure you looked alright. Putting on your cardigan and grabbing your purse, you left your apartment and made your way to the party.

Once you were there you found Felix sitting at a table.

"Oh my god, Y/N, hi. Wow, you look so good!"

"Thanks, Lix," You said, sitting down next to him. You looked at him, noting how flushed his cheeks were.

"Do you wanna dance? We should dance right now."

"Are you drunk already?"

"No. Okay, maybe just like the tiniest bit."

"How?! The party has only just begun."

"Well, I got here early so I sat at the bar and had some pre-drinks. And I may have also had a few pre-pre-drinks while getting ready. Okay, fine I'm drunk, but so what? Isn't that what these things are for?"

"I'm pretty sure these things are for celebrating the work of our company." You laughed a little.

"Pffft whatever spoilsport, just go get yourself a drink."

"In a bit. I don't want one right now." The music faded as you turned to the small stage at one end of the room. The manager had a microphone in hand and began to speak, thanking everyone for their hard work and talking about how well the company was doing. It wasn't much different from his usual speeches so your mind couldn't help but drift away. You turned to look around the room, searching for one person in particular in the crowd. You found Changbin sat only a few tables down, noticing how he was already looking in your direction. You both quickly turned your heads away, feeling flustered. The speech concluded and the music started playing again, so loud you could barely hear yourself think. Food and drinks were passed around as people began to dance. You quickly grew bored of the scene and you were not particularly in the mood to drink (couldn't be me).

"Hey, I'm gonna go dance with Hyunjin, you go talk to Changbin, he's been checking you out all evening." You felt your cheeks grow hot from his words.

You watched your friend leave the table and make his way to the dance floor. You thought back to his words, looking around again for Changbin. He was standing, leaning against the wall on the other side of the room, watching everyone on the dance floors. You felt a sudden burst of confidence as you made your way over to him. He turned his head to look at you as you approached, a soft smile gracing his lips.

"Hi," You shouted over the music.

"Hi. You look absolutely beautiful, Y/N."

"Thanks. You looked handsome too. I love a man in a suit." He blushed at your words.

"Thanks. So, uh, not drinking tonight?"

"Nope, not in the mood. What about you?" You asked as you leaned on the wall beside him.

"Not drinking. I can't, I'm driving."

"Ah, I see." The two of you stayed in a comfortable silence for a little while, just watching the rest of your colleagues enjoying their night. Changbin turned to you, breaking the silence.

"The speech is done, that's the important part so do you, maybe, wanna get out of here?"

"Absolutely." With a smile on his face, he led you out of the hotel and to his car.

"Where are we going?" You asked as he pulled out of the parking space.

"It's a surprise."

"You're not about to take me somewhere really secluded and scary to murder me are you?" He chuckled and shook his head.

"No. Just trust me, alright?"

"I'm only joking. I do trust you."

The drive wasn't long but it was peaceful. The soft hum of the radio, the flashing city lights passing you by. Changbin parked up on a quiet street across from a small park.

"Secluded and scary. Oh god, I was right wasn't I?" He rolled his eyes playfully at your words. As you stepped out of the car, the cold breeze hit you. You began shivering as Changbin walked around the car to stand by your side.

"Hey, are you cold?"

"A little but I'll be alright."

"Here, take my jacket."

"No, then you'll be cold. I have my cardigan, I'll be fine."

"That thin cardigan clearly isn't helping. Here." He slipped off his jacket, pulling it over your shoulders. "Come on." The jacket was warm, but when he took your hand, you felt a chill run up your spine. Without another word, he guided you to the park. Still hand-in-hand, the two of you walked along the dimly lit path. If you had been here alone, with nothing but the wailing wind keeping you company, you would have been scared. But with Changbin beside you, you felt at ease.

"So, where exactly are we going?"

"You'll see, we're almost there."

As you continued to walk, you looked around the park. There was a small playground with swings and a slide and a see-saw. The two swings were gently swinging in sync, in the breeze, much like your intertwined hands. The leaves of the trees that lined the path rustled, making music for the grass to dance to in the wind. The stars in the sky above twinkled down as if they were looking at the two of you. For a moment you were certain that outside of the park the rest of the world had stopped. It was just the two of you.

"Here we are," Changbin said as you neared a rather large greenhouse. He opened the door and held it for you as you thanked him and walked inside. He followed you in and flicked a switch, turning on small fairy lights that lit up the place. The moonlight still streamed in through the glass roof, allowing more light. The greenhouse was bursting with colour from all the flowers.

You walked around the place, fingers dancing from flower to flower, delicately touching the soft petals.

"It's beautiful," You said as Changbin came to stand next to you. The moonlight lit up his feature well, you were certain he was what people envisioned when they told stories of great and handsome gods. His skin looked softer than the petals of any of the flowers in the greenhouse, you longed to reach out and stroke his cheek, kiss it, anything.

You turned to watch his hands as he picked up a small pair of shears and reached out, cutting a flower off.

"What're you doing? You can't just take a flower!"

"Relax, I know the gardener here. She's this lovely, little old woman called Mrs. Kang. When I was in high school I used to come to this park all the time and, well, you know what rowdy teenage boys are like. I was a stupid kid and did stupid stuff. I once got caught vandalising one of the walls in the park and they said I had to pay back the damages by working here. At first, I hated it but Mrs. Kang was really sweet and even after I had paid it off I continued to come here every Sunday to help out. I still do, even if it's just to chat with her. I tell her everything, I talk about my family, my job, you." As the words left his lips, your head whipped up to look at him. His eyes met yours.

"You've told her about me?" You asked quietly.

"Yes, of course, I have."

"Why?" You asked. He handed you the flower, a red tulip.

"Haven't you figured it out yet?" You stayed silent. "You know, at home, I have this old book of flowers and their meanings that Mrs. Kang gave me. In it, it says a red tulip can symbolise a declaration of love."

"It's you. You've been leaving the flowers and the notes for me."

"Yes. I was a coward at first, I couldn't admit to you my feelings. It was Mrs. Kang that suggested that I start leaving the flowers, build my confidence then confess. So, every Sunday, when I came here, I would pick a flower for you, ready for Monday. Honestly, I would have continued just leaving you the flowers and the notes but I decided it was time to tell you last Monday when you told me you wanted whoever it was that was leaving the flowers to come forward and tell you, rather than you having to figure it out. And, here we are."

"I can't believe it's you."

"I have no idea if you feel anything for me at all, but it was time I confessed. I'm sorry if you don't feel the same. If you want to forget this ever happened, we can. I'll stop sending the flowers, I'll leave you alone, it's alright."

"Changbin, I always wanted it to be you." He looked at you in shock for a moment, processing your words before a big smile appeared on his face.

"Really?"

"Always. I'm surprised you haven't heard Felix teasing me about you, he isn't very subtle about it."

"I can't believe you feel the same." He took a step closer to you.

"You better believe it, you can't get rid of me now." You placed your arms around his shoulders as he wrapped his own around your waist.

"Wouldn't dream of it." He smiled down at you before slowly leaning in. The anticipation of waiting for his lips to meet yours nearly killed you but, when they finally did, you knew it had been worth the wait. You'd wait forever and a day for him. Your lips fit so perfectly together, the way your hands had done before. The feeling in your stomach couldn't be described as just butterflies or fireworks, it felt more like a flood. A great flood of love and desire and yearning.

As you pulled away from him, your hand moved up to his cheek. His skin was soft, just like you knew it would be. You looked at him and thought, yes, the universe or god or mother nature or whatever else could possibly be out there took their time making him.

"I'll drive you home," He whispered but made no move to pull away any further.

***

When you had finally made it back to the car, your lips were swollen from stolen kisses and your hand warm from where it was interlocked with his. The drive home was possibly even more peaceful than the one to the park. His hand rested on your thigh for the majority of it and you had to keep reminding him to keep his eyes on the road. But the gentle smile he sent your way every time he looked at you made your heart skip a beat.

He parked up, outside your apartment building, walking you to your room. When you reached your front door you turned to look at him again, pulling him into an embrace. The two of you stayed like that, gently swaying.

"I don't want to let you go," He whispered.

"Don't. Stay over."

"You sure?"

"Of course." You unlocked your front door before going to fetch him some clothes. You found an oversized shirt and sweatpants that were baggy on you, hoping they would fit him. You showed him to the bathroom, allowing him to get changed while you went to your own room and got changed yourself. When you opened the door of your room you found him standing in the living room waiting for you. The clothes fit him perfectly and there was something so natural about him being here.

"Come on, let's get some sleep," You told him and with a smile, he walked into your room. You switched on the lamp on your bedside cabinet before pulling back your covers, ready to get in. He glanced around, noticing his notes on the walls.

"You're really obsessed with me, huh?" He teased as you.

"Says the perv leaving me messages in secret."

"Shush, you know you love me."

"I do love you."

"Well, it's a good thing I love you too." And with that, you took his hand, pulling him to your bed, switching off the lamp. You both snuggled up, your head leaning against his shoulder while his hand had a gentle but firm grip on your waist. Your hand came to rest on his chest, above his heart where you could feel it racing.

"You're heart's racing."

"Do you really blame me? The girl of my dreams has just told me that she loves me too and now we're cuddling together in her bed."

"You dream of me, do you?" You teased. Changbin was glad your room was dark so you couldn't see the way his cheeks flushed.

"Shut up." You both laughed. Taking his hand, you placed it above your own heart.

"Mine's the same."

***

When Monday rolled around you were a little disappointed to see there was no flower at your desk this time. Of course, things were going to change but you were glad. Now you could hug him and kiss him and hold his hand. But still, the lack of a flower at your desk made your heart drop a little. Brushing it off you headed to the kitchen to make your usual cup of tea.

As you stirred your tea, you felt a hand come to rest on your waist. You turned and smiled to see Changbin.

You had only seen him the other day. He ended up staying all of Saturday, the night after the confession, only leaving on Sunday because, true to his word, he went to see Mrs. Kang at the greenhouse.

"Good morning, beautiful."

"Good morning, handsome." His other hand came from behind his back, holding a cluster of flowers.

"Didn't think I'd forget did you?" You smiled brightly, taking them from him.

"What are these ones? What do they mean?"

"Apple blossoms. They mean 'I prefer you before all.'" Your smile somehow got even wider.

"You're so cheesy."

"I know," He stated, taking a step closer, placing his hands on the counter, either side of you.

"Changbin, we're at work."

"I don't care." He smirked at you. You weren't going to argue, you didn't want to. Instead, you trailed your fingers up his chest, coming to play with his collar. The tension was heavy in the air and you couldn't bare it any longer so you pulled him towards you, kissing him.

"Oh shit, my eyes!" The two of you broke apart, turning to see Felix dramatically covering his eyes. "Are you done? Please tell me you're done."

"Piss off, Felix," You both said in unison.

"How about you two piss off and get a room! This is a public place, I don't wanna walk in on you two making a baby one day!"

"You're so dramatic, it was just a kiss."

"Do I have to give you the boy talk? Kissing leads to other things and before you know it, boom! You've got a kid."

"I've already got a kid, you." You rolled your eyes.

"Yeah, yeah whatever. Just keep the PDA to a minimum when I'm around."

"Leave, Felix."

"Okay, alright. before I go, Changbin, we're friends but if you even think about hurting her, don't forget, I know where you live." He went to walk away and you laughed a little, resting your forehead on Changbin's chest. "Oh, and use protection!"

***

The entire day at work you couldn't stop yourself from glancing over at Changbin, only to find him already looking at you with a smile. The entire office knew about the two of you by the end of the day because you could not stop talking about each other. You didn't want to keep it a secret, you had kept secrets long enough.

"Welp, home time!" Felix said happily as he switched his computer off. "You staying again?"

"Yes."

"Oh, maybe I should stay, monitor you two." Felix eyed Changbin a couple of seats down.

"Oh my god, Felix," You whined.

"I'm only joking, have fun." He stood up and collected his things. "Not too much fun." He pointed a warning finger at you as you rolled your eyes but smiled genuinely at him.

You continued to work, chatting to Changbin the entire time.

"I'm sorry about Felix earlier," You said to him as the two of you packed up, ready to leave.

"It's alright, he just cares about you, I get it." He held out his hand for you which you gladly took. Changbin swung your hand a little as he led you out of the building.

"I told Mrs. Kang what happened on Friday night, how I finally confessed, and she wants to meet you. So, if you're up for it, this Sunday, do you want to come with me to the greenhouse?"

"I would love to, it's a date."

***

As you and Changbin strolled through the park, the sight of the greenhouse in the distance brought back fond memories of that night. You were so excited to meet Mrs. Kang. From Changbin's stories, you could tell she was a lovely woman.

"Changbin, hi!" Mrs. Kang said enthusiastically as you and Changbin entered the greenhouse. "And this must be Y/N! You were right, she is beautiful."

"Thank you, it's so nice to meet you. Changbin has told me so much about you."

"All nice things I hope."

"Don't worry, I'll scold him if he ever says one bad word against you."

"I like you already. Well, I should say even more. I feel as if I already know you from everything he's told me about you."

"Does he really talk about me that much?" You looked at him with a teasing smile.

"Can you not talk about me as if I'm not right here? I'm starting to regret introducing the two of you already."

"Oh hush, this is girl talk. Now be a dear and go fill up the watering cans," Mrs. Kang shushed Changbin. He sighed but gave you a loving smile before leaving to do what she said.

"You know, since the first day you started working with him, he has not shut up about you, truly."

"I have a friend who claims that I always talk his ear off about Changbin."

"You two are so similar, I honestly think you're meant to be."

"Oh, well, thank you, it means a lot."

For the next few hours, you and Changbin helped Mrs. Kang with planting and watering everything in the greenhouse. You continued to talk with Mrs. Kang as she told you stories about Changbin from his teenage days all the way up to now.

"I could tell you all his embarrassing stories but we'd be here until next Sunday."

"Please, no more stories," Changbin begged.

"No, I think you should definitely tell me all his embarrassing stories, ignore him."

When the light began to fade and you all started packing away the gardening equipment. Changbin was at the sink, washing the dirt off of his hands. Mrs. Kang smiled fondly at him before turning to you.

"He told me all about Friday, and the red tulip, everything. I gave him the book with all the flower meanings a long time ago but he never brought any of it up. It was only after he fell for you that he started admiring the flowers for their meanings, not just their beauty. Every time he picked a flower out for you, he chose it with such delicacy, making sure the meaning was true to his feelings. I had always wanted him to use the book for a good reason. I'm glad that reason was you." As she spoke, you watched the man. The man you had worked with for years. The man you had been in love with for years. The man who carefully chose flowers, with meanings of love and admiration, just for you.

"I'm glad I found him. Someone who could love me so deeply and purely." Mrs. Kang smiled.

"You ready to go?" Changbin asked as he walked towards the two of you.

"Yep." You held out your hand for him and he took it.

"Come back anytime, Y/N, it was lovely to meet you."

"I definitely will come back, I've had a great day and it was lovely to meet you too. Get home safely." The two of you bid Mrs. Kang goodbye and left, hand-in-hand once again.

"Here. I was gonna save it till tomorrow but I can't help myself." He handed you a flower. You took it, a daisy this time, gazing at its beauty with a smile

"I love daisies."

"Yeah? I'm glad. It's small and simple, I know, but it describes my feelings perfectly."

"Oh yeah? And how's that."

"Well, a daisy simply means, I love you truly.”

#stray kids #skz #kpop #skz changbin #seo changbin #seo changbin x reader #seo changbin fluff #fanfiction #fanfic

159 notes · View notes

anyaprincessa · 6 months

Text

since there are a lot of people creating theories about Anya's name,her backstory and discussing about chapter 90.1,I wanted to share my own opinion｡⁠◕⁠‿⁠◕⁠｡

tbh,I was surprised that Ania's name had all this time a meaning and it wasn't just a mix of Misha and Ashe from Endo's previous works kinda expected it though,I'm not sure why Endo was hiding it all the time,maybe because it was supposed to be a surprise..

I honestly think that Ania is a Russian name took from Anna,is she a reference of princess Anastasia?my own question leaded me to an imagination of her backstory,hehe(⁠^⁠^⁠);

Ania was the princess of a royal family,they all were under serveillance,all the members conversations were encrypted in classic language so that the content couldn't be understood it wasn't the native language of the country by the way

Desmond was the one behind everything happening to the country and the royal family,he nuked/destroyed the country it's kind of confirmed that he's doing suspicious activities,right?,all the family were killed but Anya wasn't,instead those monsters kidnapped her and she became their new test subject for the Ostanian project apple subject 007

everyone in the lab treated her as a tool and forced her to study..

There was a scientist,he was cruel like all of them and for some sort of reason,he changed later on and became a kind person,he was the one who helped Anya escaping the lab,she will surely start a new happy life with a new family,well,after a short period,the little girl was adopted and returned to the orphanage 4 times,till one day a spy codenamed Twilight waku waku came searching for a 6 years old child,ends up adopting her to become a part of a fake family,the forgers for the sake of operation strix (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

there is also a high possibility that there is a reason behind Anya's freedom...probably nobody helped her escape the cursed lab,the scientists just started a new experiment is her freedom itself, this experiment is designed to train her to become a skilled telepath naturally, so that they can kidnap their tool whenever they are ready to start the war

Melinda knows about her past herself, that's why she wants Anya and Damian to become closer because of some other hidden reasons idk myself..

and before I forget,here's some canon proofs supporting the princess theory;

Ania loves castles,she talked about servants in the first chapter,we even had a whole episode about her as a princess and her her papa saving her,most of the anime episode was an original though was it for a foreshadowing purpose from Endo himself?!

there's also several mentions about royality in the manga,for example in chapter 42,etc,etc..the lastest and the most important mention was in chapter 88,Melinda choosing specifically the royal top elite cakes as a gift for Anya wich Damian told her to buy,he didn't said for who exactly

"they were cakes said to originally have been created by king Willy II,as a conciliatory gift for the queen of an enemy country"!!! this line alone raised a lot of suspicion inside me...so I had to do some search(⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)I found out later on that King Willy and the queen from the enemy country are actually a reference of king Frederick the great and Empress Elizaveta!! probably I'm gonna make a thread talking about them

In addition to my proofs,we also had Anya comparing the Griffin wich is the symbol of the Desmonds and Chimera the possible symbol of her royal family and her dear friend who knows everything about her

I'mma include the Authens since they are 100% getting involved in this arc and were introduced just before the chapter we got a new hints about Ania's past and the confirmation of her backstory arc

First of all,Sigmund Authen might be a reference of Sigmund Freud the founder of Psychoanalysis,is related to minds?!!mind reading powers in sxf universe??!?the theory of super powers and all this stuff might be proposed by him since he was a professor teaching in the berlint university is owned by the Desmond family,you can notice the letter "D" in the logo

he is likely to be from Anya's same country,he's talking in Classical language most of the time,both Yor and Anya didn't understand most of what he said either Anya because the majority of what he was saying is complicated,unhearable and she didn't care

I think he is retired or perhaps not ,he seems that he loves Barbara sm and he definitely loves kids(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

the important person this arc is either him or Barbara

#spy x family #anya forger #sxf spoilers #sxf manga #sxfchapter90.1 #royality #princessanya #anyatheory #anyaforger #melindadesmond #theauthens #damiandesmond #donovandesmond

22 notes · View notes

sinningtamer · 5 months

Note

Not sure if you’ve answered this before but what are your favourite fics and ships?

Love all your art btw! <3 Thx for all the food!

i might've years ago, so let's go again! i'm gonna answer this question as only NSFW/kink related, otherwise the list would be way too long haha

alright let's start with the obvious: ParviII is and always will be my #1 one ship, even when I dip in and out of the fandom a lot (i feel the term OTP is super outdated these days? but if there was one ship i could use it with it's them...)

so obviously i'm gonna say Talking Body and Payment and Payback by @sparxwrites. because. you know. how can i not. oh yeah, Good Vibrations is also a classic. hiii sparx, i'm sorry for picking your older fics, i just have such a bias. they've written a ton of great stuff over the years though, so go give the account a peak! there's something for everyone, especially if you like darker stuff.

...speaking of accounts with a lot of content who lurk around here, shoutout to @pawpunkao3. lmpᴇarI is one of my favorite ships, and they're still such a rarepair somehow?? anyways I think about Between Bedrock and a Hard Place at least once a week tbh. A New Religion That'll Bring You To Your Knees is fantastic, and i have a soft spot for I Spy (even tho i didn't watch too much empires). again, another author with a whole arsenal under their belt, so don't just take my word for it and check the rest of his fics!

back to lmpᴇarI being a rarepair... @thatstoomuchsoup has Chicken Soup for the Soulbounds (okay it's more pearI-centric but they're both there) and is another blog that specializes in some of my kinks and these fandoms. same with @anon-teddy's content, gotta give a shoutout to full. this is also making me realize i haven't sought out enough poly S0up Group or GᴇmpuIse/PᴇarIgem fics...maybe i'll get back to you on that...

there's a bunch of good explicit trᴇᴇbark fics, but i said i was gonna keep this list concise, so the only one i'll specifically point to is how to deal with your supernatural lust for blood (and other things) in a completely normal and god-honoring fashion. for...reasons. also because it's good!

edit: oh my GOD i realized two seconds after posting this i completely forget to mention @also-an-art. go read (this is) hungry work and honey don't feed it right fucking now. i've read both of these in full (pun intended) multiple times they're that amazing. it's rare that the plot is just as good as the horniness, when i tell you i lost my mind at some of the development in these. also hot and dirty (like the la air) is a guilty pleasure. AND it introduced me to a song that ended up being #20 on my spotify wrapped LOL (RPF warning on that one! trust me tho)

let's get to my other bias, shall we? RᴛSpiff and RᴛS00t don't....have any explicit fics. nor does poly lᴀds. CMRᴛ does, though! I'm kinda picky about how people characterize them, but play it cool and Every Stumble and Each Misfire are lovely (note that the second one is also blatant RPF! don't say i didn't warn you o7)

speaking of lᴀds, if you follow me on main, you know i got into Bᴀnᴀna Bᴜs Sqᴜᴀd just last year (I'M SORRY, OKAY, DON'T @ ME-) you'd think getting into an old fandom late would mean a ton of great smut fics, right? to be honest, i haven't found many that i care for, but maybe i'm just picky... however, i remember your lips, they're the ones i miss, and smoke in your lungs, your lips on mine are SO GODDAMN GOOD i'm not even mad it's only those two i like because i could reread them 20 times. god. such fun characterization. shame the author orphaned them because i badly wanna read more of their stuff.

this is the part where you go, spirit, do you read anything besides (mᴄ)yt fandoms??? and i go, not really.............well, sort of. i like 0verwatch! and M0icy!! Reciprocity is a delightful PWP long fic. i'm also not really an omegaverse guy, but Water Me has such a good take on it i fell in looove.

okay, i'm gonna cut myself off here, enough though i could probably name dozens of more fics if i sat and thought about it. if anyone i tagged wants to be untagged, feel free to reply here or shoot me an ask/dm!!

#i like how i said i was gonna keep this short and still went insane lmao #also dont forget to read the notes/cws of any fics i linked! it's up to you to decide if you're comfortable reading them

15 notes · View notes

haleigh-sloth · 11 months

Text

On Hawks and Twice:

Alright, gonna dive into this pool of needles that is this topic.

I'll start by saying I've been through every stage of feeling for this particular arc. At one point I wanted Hawks to die a tragic heroic death, at another I just wanted to see him get called out about Twice's death by the kids, then I wanted Hawks to face his past demons through Twice via the clones, but I'm past all of that now, though it took some time and a LOT of thinking and talking it out with friends.

Currently where I'm at is just trying to make sense of the decisions made in the manga. I think a lot of people are confused by the Twice clones disappearing and Hawks still standing, and my initial reaction to that was also confusion.

BUT

Let's be real, there were issues with the "Hawks faces Twice through the clones" trajectory from the get go.

It seemed VERY likely and plausible at first, in fact almost guaranteed from the moment we saw Hawks say "kill him, now" with the most deranged look on his face. But then the battle progressed and he kept running away from the situation with Twice, despite AFO reminding him to go make an attempt at mending his mistakes (even though there was no way he could). Hawks meddled with AFO instead and got a whirlwind of punishment as a result, and here we are.

But meanwhile in all of that we found that the Twice clones were not what they were originally thought to be--which was clones of Twice, as if Twice himself had cloned them. No, instead we find out that the clones are simply just Toga. They're just Togas, transformed into Twice. Once that was apparent, that was the main issue I had with the Hawks vs Twice round 2 idea. The impact of Hawks facing "Twice" was immediately blunted by the sheer fact that it wasn't Twice, it was Toga. So it becomes a whole other situation.

The other potential situation was Hawks vs Toga (something I always hated the idea of tbh). But that would have been complicated, as it would have been introducing, initiating, developing, and concluding a relationship all in one arc, or rather even less in a matter of chapters. It felt very possible (and I can't discount that it could still happen in a different way later on, idk) but then Ochacko got the job done first before Hawks could get involved. So now we're left with Hawks who has nobody to face to deal with the consequences of killing Twice, a guy he says he genuinely liked and cared about, and wants to be like.

After talking it out....I'm landing on the point of--the only person Hawks has to face about killing Twice is himself.

Reasons:

The narrative as a whole....doesn't give much reaction to Twice's death. If we're being completely and brutally honest, which I am right now, the only reaction we got were from two characters: Dabi and Toga. Dabi continued on his merry way not really...giving much of a fuck beyond caring enough to give the blood he collected to Toga who he knew would cherish it. We literally got nothing from Tomura and when/if we do it won't be for a very long time after a point when it won't really matter, Spinner and Compress both barely reacted.

All that to say: nobody in the story itself gives a shit about Hawks killing Twice. Not the civilians, not the heroes, the LOV BARELY but not even enough for it to spread beyond Toga. Just....it's not something that weighs heavily outside of Toga's and Hawks's arcs. It just doesn't. That isn't to say it doesn't matter, because it does, clearly. But that is to say that the way Twice's killer gets "consequences" is going to look a lot different than what a lot of people--myself included--originally expected.

Because Twice has now vanished for good, it seems a lot like Hawks is responsible for his own closure now. Meaning he might not be forced into it via a confrontation from Toga (in fact I'd argue the chances of that happening are close to 0 at this point).

Hawks himself had a visceral reaction to his last encounter with Twice. (Read that, you won't regret it). Toga's grief is probably not resolved or gone, but her misery is finally starting to be lifted. Symbolically, all of the Twice's disappearing and Toga's smiling and crying face is her letting her feelings of anger and vengeance go so she can move forward.

All that's left is Hawks. All Hawks has to face is himself.

Hawks has his own feelings to face. Because Hawks is about to witness the results of Shouto and Ochacko succeeding where he failed because they both refused to give up no matter how difficult it got. I'd argue that Shouto's actions and the results from them speak very loudly on this, more than even Ochacko's. Because Touya was about to literally nuke the entire vicinity, and yet here he is, alive. Toga was literally doing exactly what Hawks feared Twice would do. And yet here she is, alive. Granted Toga was in a more reachable head space, but at the beginning she wasn't so easy to get through to. Ochacko didn't stop or give up and she opened up herself to Toga and validated Toga's feelings and doubt about being saved, unlike Hawks.

Hawks seeing these kids succeed where he didn't is the catalyst he needs to have a strong reaction to remembering what he did and how he's done nothing but run away from it (because he was so conflicted and fucked up over it in the first place). Nothing he does can change what happened, but he can at least start to have some introspection and ask himself why he is the way he is, emotionally stuck in one place, latching onto a man who has a family to take care of that Hawks isn't a part of, maybe start to work through that shit too.

Basically, removing all of the outside forces from Hawks's arc to me feels very intentional. Hawks has ALWAYS been a character who internalizes everything to his core. It feels appropriate that everything that moves him forward continues to be what he internalizes--which if I'm right later, will be his reaction to seeing the kids save the villains in the way that he genuinely wanted to do for Twice, but failed.

This isn't as coherent as I'd usually try to make it because I'm not trying to meta anything right now. Right now I'm just trying to reason out my own thinking for leaving Hawks with literally nothing to do or say or anyone to do or say it to. He's all alone now and if he's going to get out of this emotionally STUCK place he's in he has to look in the mirror and think really hard about himself.

#bnha 394 #takami keigo #toga himiko #uraraka ochacko #bnha twice #jin bubaigawara #bnha

28 notes · View notes

genderkoolaid · 2 years

Note

not sure where to start with this kinda thing but *sigh* here goes.

(gonna preface this by saying i don't want to 'take away' attention to this starting topic. it's very important for Black trans masc voices to be heard. just using this as an example.)

in conversations of POC trans men and how their transmasculinity intersects with their race, i usually hear about Black trans mascs and how their masculinity is weaponised against them. i have heard nothing about Asian trans men which kinda surprises me? it's very very important to hear Black trans mascs, of course. i wonder why there is little to no talk of other POC trans mascs, though.

i am a South East Asian genderqueer trans man and i have not seen any other SEA trans men talk about their experiences of race and transmasculinity intersecting. literally nothing lol. idk if i've been looking in the wrong places or something.

i have darker skin than what most White people would think of when they hear 'Asian' but people assume based on my eye shape that i'm East Asian. i'm already invisible to most people. i'm just an afterthought of an Asian (even in activism), an Asian man who is just grouped under the general assumption that all Asians are from East Asia. nobody cares much about my culture. to them, i'm 'just Asian'. i'm the type of Asian that is both fetishised and oversexualised and called 'dirty' for being darker skinned, having a flatter nose, having a culture that isn't 'cool'.

(South East Asian men who are cis also struggle with being emasculated in White countries, so cheers to my transness introducing me to that horrible intersection of racism and masculinity).

i've been feminised my entire life even though i've been perceived as pretty boyish before i figured out my transness. like, even when people 'mistook' me for a boy when i was younger, girls would still exclude me from their playground gossip. 'who do you think is the prettiest guy in class?' 'between all the boys, who's the cutest?'. i remember hearing '(my nickname) is handsome!' replied to with, 'really? that guy? the Asian? he's pretty girly for a guy'.

that hurt me so bad at the time, because i did everything in my power to play with boy toys, play with boy things, do boy things, dress in boy clothes. what did i do that was girly? everyone thought i was a boy. i did the exact same things my White classmates did. what did i do differently from my White peers that made me girly? it hurt me so bad.

i feel so feminised even when people view me as cis. i feel so undesirable because i'm never going to be masculine enough, even if i was the most masculine Asian man. i am never measuring up to the White cis standard in gay dating pools. i feel invisible. even if i was the most Masculine Asian Man, i would never been seen as masculine as the average cis White man. it's so distressing.

i feel like i'm not worthy enough to date a cis boy. and i feel like White trans mascs can't understand my frustration at this forced feminisation; it is not the same (not saying this in any bad way or trying to imply i 'go through worse', i just..can't relate to them. and it hurts when most trans masc people i see online are White. i never see myself in that trans experience and i want to so badly).

hell, i'm emasculated in the way that East Asian men are, but i'm not fucking East Asian. i'm still treated like i'm a 'dirty Asian' because i'm brown. i'm undesirable and so desirable that people fetishise me at the same time. i'm so invisible. as a man and as an Asian. (South East Asians are fetishised in such a weird grey area that's it's hard to talk about tbh.)

trans men in general already suffering from invisibility doesn't help anything. i am so much more invisible because i am South East Asian. i am invisible even to well-meaning anti-racist allies. i am so, so invisible. because nobody thinks much about South East Asia. that a trans man can be South East Asian, even.

not sure where i am getting with this. but i hope to just..put this here and hope it makes a lick of sense to you. your blog has given me such affirmation and joy i've never really felt in a while. i don't even care if you don't reply. it's cathartic to even talk about this.

i wonder if people really even stop to think about South East Asian trans mascs. i've had such a problem with invisibility that when people claim that invisibility is a 'privilege', it makes me break down. i live my life invisible to communities i am a part of. it's debilitating seeing nobody like you. to feel like a ghost, like some weird anomaly that doesn't deserve to be a man. i am an invisible Asian, and an invisible man. i am an invisible Asian man. it's so tiring.

^^^ I'm glad you wrote this. I really value hearing other people's experiences and perspectives.

I think part of the problem is that the transandrophobia discussion is, especially in comparison to other spaces in queer discourse, pretty young & small, so I think a lot of groups aren't represented because not enough people from those groups have actually heard about it enough to give their opinions. But I'm really glad you did; we definitely need to hear more from transmascs of color on the unique ways they deal with transandrophobia and race.

#m.#ask box #race and transandrophobia #< thats gonna be a tag now #im partially west asian but i dont have enough. experience? connection? to rlly comment on how that intersects w transandrophobia

185 notes · View notes

excaliburssword · 2 years

Text

Hot take on the SGE ships (part 1??)

So, sometimes I can really get carried away with the SGE ships, but I'm just gonna summarise this one down so it doesn't end up longer than the years the earth has existed 😭

Please note than none of these are in order, and all are situated out as my own opinion.

!! MAJOR SPOILERS ALONG THE WAY TOO !!

Tagatha

I guess these two are appropriate for each other, even though the toxicity of their relationship (I might post about this later) really unbalanced some things.

All in all, I'm fine with Agatha and Tedros as a couple since I seriously can't find someone else that would be appropriate for them, plus they'd make a quite capable pair on leading Camelot

7/10

2. Hophie

-This may offend many, but I just can't find it in me to even ship them 😭

First of all, it seemed like to me that Hort was continuously trying to force Sophie into dating him at least from books 1-3, and halfway through book 4. I ended up putting myself in Sophie's shoes, and found it to be actually quite annoying for someone who likes you whom you can't return the same feelings for repeatedly tries to date you.

0/10 (sorry).

3. Hestadil

One of my fav couples in the series. They were suitable for each other from start to finish, and really developed their relationship over time!

8.5/10

4. Nicphie

Eh, they're alright I suppose. Tbh it can end up as a really cute relationship if developed properly, kinda like enemies x lovers.

7/10

5. Hicola

I actually liked this ship more than Hophie, and that's saying something, given Nicola was only introduced in book 4 and started dating Hort in the exact same book whilst we knew him and Sophie since the very beginning.

Still, I wouldn't quite ship it, since it was a little too fast for me.

5/10

6. Rophie (Rafal and Sophie)

If Rafal wasn't realistically thousands of years old, I would've shipped this with my whole heart, aside from the fact their relationship was a little manipulative.

Firstly, like said before, Rafal is extremely old, making it hard for me to process this ship since he's basically an ancient creep that's hitting on a teenage girl because of some prediction/ prophecy.

Secondly, I'm not sure if it was just me, or he truly did love her, but it seemed like Rafal was trying to gain control of Sophie and manipulate her into doing his bidding.

Aside from all of this, I loved their relationship and ate it up in only 2 sittings! It was like a spicy relationship that kept me entertained for the majority of the time.

9/10!

7. Rhophie (Rhian and Sophie)

Given all of my opinions on the other ships, it even surprised me when I told myself I'm actually okay with this one, when it was literally one of the most toxic and manipulative couples in the whole series.

But then again, (DON'T COME AT ME) as much as it wasn't Rhian's right to rule Camelot, I just think that he was a better king than Tedros for many reasons. Plus, I even felt sorry for him when he died towards the end of book 5.

I would've loved to see him ruling a kingdom (doesn't matter which one) with Sophie! And don't even get me started on their dynamics during ACOT! You may think I'm psychotic, but it is what it is 😭

9.5/10

8. Japaric

I'm okay with this one. They're in fact, so evil, they deserve each other 😭

8.5/10

This is it for now, but I might do a part 2 later, or talk a little more in depth of some of the characters/ships 😁

92 notes · View notes

rockyroadkylers · 5 months

Note

14, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 3! Or just a couple if that's too much

not too much, if you don't mind me rambling for several paragraphs 🤭 i'll put some of it under a cut, lol.

3. This Love is Worth the Fight

this oneeeeeee 😍

this one is a sequel to my Kensington divergence Alex whump fic, which ended up being surprisingly highly requested after I posted the original. the original was just a oneshot, but this fic is gonna be much longer, with several chapters, going into Alex's recovery and Henry and Alex learning how to be a real couple while also dealing with backlash from the Crown and the email leak oop

so, one of the things i have planned for this fic is Henry and Alex exchanging handwritten letters after the email leak. Henry starts it as a way to give Alex something to read during the nighttime hours when visitors aren't allowed at the hospital; he starts writing in a journal that he leaves in Alex's room, and it makes Alex feel a little less lonely. in true Alex fashion, he writes Henry a list in response (the famous "incomplete list", except since it's handwritten, it doesn't get leaked with the rest of the emails, so it gets to stay between them. and Alex adds a few things to it that are specific to this fic.)

A continued list of things I love about HRH Prince Henry of Wales: - The fact that you came to see me that first day even though you were scared. Your bravery amazes me every goddamn day. - The way you tricked me into consuming your favorite classic authors by reading them out loud to me when I can’t hold up a book by myself (you’re not as sneaky as you think, but you’re cute, so I’ll allow it). - How clearly I can hear your voice in my head when I read the things you’ve written for me. - The fact that you snore when you fall asleep sitting up, like a sexy grandpa. - The way you roll your eyes when I say shit like “sexy grandpa”.

7. From Texas, With Love

This one is an AU where Alex is a child actor who gets cast in his first big TV role as Arthur's on-screen stepson. Alex uses acting as a coping mechanism - when he first gets cast, Ellen and Oscar's divorce is still fresh, and he throws himself into his role to escape from reality. Arthur takes him under his wing, and later introduces Alex to his son Henry, because he knows that both boys could use a friend, and he thinks they could be good for each other.

8. Christmas Carol AU

i came up with the concept for this one (and most of my other christmas AUs, tbh) after christmas was already over 😂 but at least that means i have 11 months to write it!

this one is, obviously, inspired by Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and it's another Kensington divergence fic where Henry tells Alex to leave. Instead of Alex running off into the night and getting hit by a car, though, he actually does make it back to DC safely, and fast-forward a few months, it's almost Christmas and Henry is feeling pretty miserable. He goes to bed one night, and he's visited by the ghost of Arthur Fox!

9. National Treasure AU

gonna refer you to these posts, because that's pretty much all i have for this one so far 😅

10. Oscar Diaz as the Santa Clause

this is one of my newest AUs!!! i'm actually so excited about it 😍 I've explained most of my ideas in more detail in the Brownstone already, but basically it's based on the Tim Allen movie The Santa Clause. Oscar is Scott, and Alex is Charlie. Alex flies out to California to spend Christmas with Oscar, and Oscar becomes the next Santa when the old one falls off their roof.

I'm really excited about this one - I used to write parent-child family fic all the time, but I haven't in a good few months now, and I kind of miss it, so this fic is gonna be really fun to work on, I think.

14. The Tangled AU

again, referring back to this post 😊

#ask game #my wips #rwrb #tomatoes

5 notes · View notes

queen-simia · 3 months

Text

lrb: honestly all of this and more has me nervous about the two leads and their relationship in the upcoming comic. folks who know me and my particular leanings will be kinder, I know, but once it escapes containment, all hell may break loose

thought barf below the cut

I already know Virgule will probably be polarizing. he's pansexual by nature as an incubus (when sexual energy is your food, it's best to be omnivorous, knowhutimean), which I already foresee as Problematic™... and he's technically genderless but identifies as masculine, though I write him harder on the camp/femme side. all that plus the fact he's an inhuman being (a demon, to be specific) adds up to poor Virgule potentially being a hate lightning rod ("she should know better as an ace! aces get coded as robotic/inhuman all the time, why would she turn around and do the same to gncs and pans if she claims to care so much???").

the funny thing is, Virg's camp and charisma are all based directly on the stage persona of a straight cis man: Dylan Charles Germick (Planet Booty's front man). and that persona is played as fully sex-positive and lovingly as possible, and is derived heavily from Prince (who was straight *and* very genderfucky, as you know). so, it's not like Virg's character background lacks nuance or is just "lol them silly sex-hungry fairy boys~" but I can easily see how critics could jump to that conclusion

and there's a not-insignificant plot point early in the story that involves consent and boundaries that Virg starts out on the wrong side of (and also introduces the possible interpretation that his feedings may involve dubious consent). thaaaat's gonna be fun to deal with~ 🙃

but again! it's not just for salaciousness! it's to establish a strong part of the dynamic between Virg and Sonrisa re: trust and expectations. could it be done differently? ...not really, given the context of the story and the characters' natures...? it's something I've agonized over in the years I've been developing this story, trust me. :p but it's definitely something I know will be a sticking point when it comes out. maybe it'll cause a fall-off in readership, maybe it won't, but I've been online long enough to anticipate the worst

sorry to say it's stuff like this that had me wondering at several points whether I should bother at all. but, I'm stubborn and vain enough to want a story centered around a short, fat aroace woman that doesn't view any of those traits as negative that I'm going to do it anyway.

tbh I already know having Sonrisa be fat is going to attract loads of mouth-breathing chuds—already inoculated against that 1) from First Contact's 4chan reception of my buff strong-featured Femshep, and 2) lived experience as a fat chick. that funnily enough will hurt less than any potential queer audience blowback. I guess because while it's undeniable I'm fat, my relationship with queerness is much more tenuous.

I already feel like I'm treading on toes as not just an aroace (who, like our bisexual cousins, are already regarded as Schrodinger's Queers), but a demiaroace who seems to prefer mascs ("why don't you just admit you're straight, gawd"). thing is, my lived experience is very much *not* heteronormative, to the point where I've cried and had depressive episodes over possibly having to marry someone I don't love just to survive... and that was *before* I knew asexuality even was a thing. I've experienced medicalization of my lack of sexual attraction. I've lied about my orientation to avoid awkwardness, both socially and medically. I have more in common with your flagship queer identities than I do with straights... but because the four people I've fallen in love with—and only one of whom I've actually had sex with—over 43 years of life happen to be cis men, it still doesn't feel like enough.

so I guess I fear if I tell my story in a way that offends people who are "worthier" queers than myself, I'll have proven myself even less deserving of inclusion than before.

fat-shaming? used to it, next. betrayal of found family? utterly shattering.

bah. still gonna draw my dumb comic. just... still pretty nervous about it, I guess.

#personal blog #out of the ether

6 notes · View notes

watchinglikeafangirl · 10 months

Text

And just when I started to lose interest in GMMTV shows, only friends came along and it's suddenly so mature. I like it a lot. This pilot is absolutely great. All characters are introduced and we instantly see what kind of relationships are blooming and what the friends all mean to each other. It's a good introduction of all these complicated feelings and intertwining stories. I can't really tell what's about to happen later on, the pacing is totally different from other shows.

For Mew and Top, it's all cute and butterflies, like a cake with a lot of whipped cream but I'm calling the emotional rollercoaster since Ray seems to be pretty jealous and I don't trust Top tbh...

Ray and Sand are gonna be complicated I think. Ray is obviously dealing with family stuff since the show continuisely told us he's rich but we still haven't seen his family or house or life. He seems pretty lost and lonely while Sand is a soft person with many walls. It's gonna be pretty interesting, I guess.

And yeah, then there's Boston and Nick who I'm actually rooting for but Nick is gonna want more but Boston is a playboy...it's drama.

Rewatching the trailer and after next week's preview, I see I signed up for a rollercoaster of emotions and I'm probably gonna be conflicted about who is right and who is not. These characters are already multilayered and they all have their reasons for why they live the way they do. I believe, it's all gonna be (at least halfway) reasonable which is so difficult.

Oh I see myself shedding tears already. When Kao cries, I'm out of here lmao

#only friends #only friends the series #ray x sand #top x mew #boston x nick #i'm very intrigued #time went by too fast and suddenly I'm waiting for next week

17 notes · View notes

chayscribbles · 1 year

Text

chayscribbles’ monthly writing update ☆ january 2023

☆ STATISTICS.

words written: 10 029

projects worked on: Andromeda Rogue; The Gemini Heist; and a Third, Secret Thing :)

proudest accomplishment: uhhh i can't really thing of anything... i made it to 10k words for the month at the very last minute does that count

books read: Six Wakes by Mur Lafferty; Station Eternity by Mur Lafferty

☆ GENERAL COMMENTS.

as you may or may not have noticed i haven't really been active on writeblr lately. between work, the fact that it's january, and having to shovel through, like, 4 snow storms, i haven't really had the time or energy.

started the writing year super strong. hit a wall about halfway and have since been in a terrible slump for most of the month.

however it turns out that you can trick your brain into thinking it's experiencing New WIP Euphoria by digging up and revamping an old wip (i.e. the Third, Secret Thing).

book comments: both books i read were about murder in space. both were pretty good. both get a solid 4/5 stars.

(between that, watching Glass Onion, rewatching Murder She Wrote, and starting to watch Columbo, i think i'm on a bit of a murder kick lately.)

more specific wip-related comments + featured excerpt below.

☆ COMMENTS: ANDROMEDA ROGUE (draft 2)

not much to say about this one tbh. while most of my words from this month came from this wip, i've,, mostly just been patching up little things like smoothing over inconsistent details and adding a little meat to description and exposition... but i've been procrastinating on fixing the Big Stuff 😭

i really like how the new version is turning out compared to the first version tho. it's so much cleaner & that's very satisfying.

if only i could just *clenches fist* get myself to actually fuckin work on it

☆ COMMENTS: THE GEMINI HEIST (outlining / draft 0.5 or something)

i finished part 1 of 7!... and now i have no idea what i'm doing.

i don't think i like fast drafting lol. i hate how shitty my quality of writing has been. and yeah whatever that's the point of a fast draft blablabla but like, when my draft is already a little bit readable i can go back and reread parts and be like "oh hey this isn't half bad". and i know people are always like "don't reread right away!!! just keep writing!!!!!!!" but for me rereading as i go is part of the process lmao. not only does it remind me of important things i would otherwise forget, it also encourages me to keep going when i see that what i've done isn't terrible.

and... with this fast draft everything just feels terrible.

not to mention i can't seem to untangle plot... heists are fuckin hard to plan. especially since there's multiple opposing parties with different plans that are all going to inevitably go to shit, and so i have to make more plans for when that happens. it feels so complicated uuuggghghhhgh

☆ COMMENTS: a Third, Secret Thing (???)

i'm not gonna talk about it too much publicly yet so i don't jinx whatever is going on here (and i want to make sure i'm a bit more committed to this thing before introducing anything) but all i'll say is it's an older wip that i've talked about on my old blog that i've dug out and changed the genre into a dark modern fantasy mystery with messy sapphics.

☆ FEATURED EXCERPT.

alright i know i said i didn't want to talk too much about the Third Secret Thing yet but i couldn't find any passages to share in either AR or GH... so have this, with very little context :') uhhh tw for mentions of death and murder.

That’s how she ended up peeking groggily out the door at the frigid winter morning, having hastily thrown a sweatshirt over her pyjamas and a towel over her hair, only to have two police officers inform her that Vanessa Villa-Cortez had been found dead in her apartment early that morning.

“D… dead?” Amina repeated, her mind in a haze. She had to still be asleep, right? Maybe the guilt over ignoring that text had seeped into her subconscious and was feeding her dreams. There was no way someone was at her door telling her that Vanessa, a girl she hadn’t heard from in nearly seven years, was… was—

“Killed in an apparent burglary gone wrong last night,” said one of the officers gravely. “A neighbour noticed the door had been clearly forced in, went inside to check, and found Miss Villa-Cortez’s body on the floor of her apartment.”

Amina’s head began to swim. She clutched the doorposts to keep her buckling knees from giving way completely beneath her. No. No. Vanessa couldn’t be dead. Amina still had to answer her text.

if you know you know ;)

☆ TAGLISTS. let me know if you want to be added/removed to any of them.

genera taglist:

@nicola-writes @dgwriteblr @the-orangeauthor @retrogayyde @quilloftheclouds @ashen-crest @writeblrfantasy @celestepens @stardustspiral @pepperdee @extra-magichours @avi-why @lefttigerobservation @chazzawrites @bardolatrycore @innocentlymacabre

andromeda trilogy taglist:

@bebewrites @nicola-writes @dgwriteblr @the-orangeauthor @retrogayyde @akindofmagictoo @quilloftheclouds @nora-theteawriter @ashen-crest @corpsepng @writeblrfantasy @chaylattes @toboldlywrite @celestepens @stardustspiral @pepperdee @cheerfulmelancholies @extra-magichours @writeouswriter @cilly-the-writer @lefttigerobservation @rose-bookblood @drowsy-quill @chazzawrites @cynic-and-chief @enchanted-lightning-aes @aesa

gemini heist taglist:

@florraisons @akindofmagictoo @cream-and-tea @nicola-writes @memento-morri-writes @antique-symbolism @rose-bookblood @afoolandathief @pepperdee @avi-why @zonnemaagd @chazzawrites @analogued @enchanted-lightning-aes @innocentlymacabre @kahvilahuhut @celestepens @cilly-the-writer @extra-magichours @retrogayyde

#chayscribbles writing update #wip andromeda trilogy #wip andromeda rogue #wip gemini heist #and a third secret thing #if you recognize what it is you get a chayscribbles veterans discount

28 notes · View notes

sewercentipede · 1 year

Note

do you have any tips on fashion/dressing yourself? i'm extremely insecure i've never really dressed myself before i'm almost 25 wearing the same ripped & stained clothes from high school. idk how to start w/o having a meltdown. any advice?:( i don't even know what i look like ykwim?

Gonna keep this pretty bare bones cuz I think starting out is the hardest part/biggest step (and also im trying really hard not to make this longer than it already is, cuz it is long). As you figure out what you look like and start to appreciate your physical appearance and discover what you feel good in and what styles consistently bring you joy, you’ll be more adept at navigating these waters alone, and REALLY experimenting/pushing thru your comfort zone without needing guidance will be something you naturally look forward to doing.

Also I have a bunch of mutuals who have impeccable taste, so if anyone seeing this has their own input/tips/advice for this anon please, share them! <3

1. Look, feeling insecure is the most human experience like.. ever.. but theres a difference between feeling insecure doing something new because youve never done it before, and feeling insecure because youre not changing something youve grown out of and youre too scared to change. You will absolutely feel the difference; the former goes away and gets replaced with confidence and feeling good (looking good IS feeling good for real). The latter doesn’t go away, it’s what prompted you to want to make this change in the first place! You want to do this, you want to feel more confident, you want to wear clothing you deliberately chose because you loved it, because it was an expression of your creativity, because it looked good and you look good and as a result you feel good. Not because its just there, not because youve worn it for 10 fucking years so its all you know, not because youre scared to look at your body. Clearly youre sick of wearing the same shit. Youre sick of feeling insecure because of wearing the same shit what youre wearing. So expect and embrace the initial awkward footing that comes with change, and dont let it discourage you.

2. Get ur measurements (and record them on like ur notes app or whatever equivalent) so you know your sizing this way you don’t get overwhelmed by trying to figure out sizing by trial-and-error. Google "how to take clothing measurements" and follow a guide.

3. Make a side blog or a Pinterest or whatever for fashion and reblog/pin anything that makes you feel inspired. You’ll probably notice a pattern (or not, and that’s fine, there’s literally no rule that you have to dress one way all the time). Anything can inspire you fashion-wise, like for me, music is a huuuuge fashion inspo and it’s what got me into alternative fashion in the first place. Or perhaps you love the vibe of a certain movie or video game or a certain actor/singer/celeb/character’s style—put that on your fashion blog.

And honestly if you just want to stylistically (or literally) copy an outfit you see somewhere at first? Go for it, for real. The purpose of this is to begin familiarizing yourself with the mental exercise of deliberately choosing your clothing, branching out from what you’ve been wearing unthinkingly for years, and re-introducing yourself to what you actually look like ….. it is NOT to be an instant fashion guru with a unique style that you’ve magically come up with in your mind out of nowhere with no experience.

4. Avoid online shopping (and thrifting tbh) at first—instead of buying clothes right away youre gonna wanna actually see and feel clothes on your body. You need to feel what materials and fabrics are comfy to you, and what shapes and designs make you happy. Go to any clothing store like any outlet store and just pick out anything that looks cool or interesting to you of different styles or whatever styles you’re curious about trying. Try them on. If something feels like comfy and nice enough to where you could imagine wearing it on any given day, take a pic for reference (or hell, buy it if you like it! But only if you really think you’ll wear it!).

If that alone is too overwhelming literally just pick stuff at random to try on. Pick things that you think are crazy or ugly or boring. Try them on. Think of it like a dress up game. You’re not doing this to buy the clothes (unless like I said, you fall in love w smth). you’re there to see what different clothing looks and feels like on your body.

5. If that’s too broad, focus on one thing at a time, starting with staples, basics for daily causal wear; for an outfit you need minimum shoes, pants, and a top. Focus on one.

For example the pants you wear all the time are ripped stained and too big? okay try to find some pants that you could wear daily and could match with most anything and fit you properly. that could be denim or chinos or joggers etc in a basic/neutral color.

Would you rather start with shoes? I like recommending Reebok to ppl who don’t know where to start with shoes bc of how neutral/versatile they are both style-wise and utility-wise; a pair of black or white classic club c reeboks can match with any casual wear style and also can be for exercising in. Same with doc martens, if you can afford them, they’re super neutral so can match near anything of any style, yet theyve got just enough style to them to where they can elevate an otherwise plain outfit; and while they can’t be used for exercise you can wear them all day comfortably.

Shirts all ripped to shreds from wearing them for years? Find a neutral color cotton top that feels like a good fit and looks clean. Regardless of where you end up style-wise you’ll always need plain shirts. Keep it simple!

6. If you feel like branching out or there’s a particular item that has caught your eye (like a really specific shirt or pair of shoes) try to devise an outfit around one clothing item. Often when im deciding on an outfit it’s because I really wanna wear a specific top or something so I plan the rest of the outfit around that piece. It’s actually a pretty fun exercise cuz it can be kinda challenging creatively

7. Wardrobes take years to curate. Don’t expect to have a whole new wardrobe ASAP. You’re better off slowly replacing soiled/worn-out clothing items one at a time with new items that feel like an emotional equivalent and stylistically satisfying (ie, replace your go-to comfort shirt with something that you’d actually wear as a comfort shirt). Don’t get discouraged by the slowness of the process. Also tastes change over time. Go with it. I will never consider my wardrobe finished or complete.

8. Once you do have really specific stuff in mind and feel like you have a good grasp on what size you are then feel free to go online (like eBay, a specific brand’s website, depop, a bands merch site, Etsy, literally whatever). If you’re still at a loss hit up thrift stores now and just browse

9. Spend time experimenting with putting outfits together in the comfort of your home and just wear stuff around the house to feel it out. Usually what I do is when I’m in a creative mood I’ll just try putting outfits together in creative ways not concerning myself with whether I’d really wear them in public or not. I’m just trying to have fun. That’s when magic happens ! Take pictures of anything you’ve devised that you like for reference so later when you’re leaving the house you can just look at the pic. You can do this with your current clothes, clothes you’ve borrowed from friends or family, new clothes you buy, whatever

10. My motto with clothing is COMFY AND CUTE. I will not wear something I think is cute if it’s not also comfortable, even if I want to. I know myself too well. I go… “yeahhh this top is cute but it’s polyester and polyester gives me sensory issues”.. “this fit is so cute but too much of my skin is showing and I don’t feel comfortable with that” … well, that clothing sits in the closet and never gets worn. On the other end of the spectrum I will get really discouraged trying to wear something I know is comfortable but just isn’t flattering on me, and similarly, I won’t wear it, because it doesn’t make me feel like I look good, it makes me feel sloppy, so it doesn’t matter how comfy it is. Gotta have that cute/comfy balance so you actually wear the clothes.

Learning to dress yourself and cultivate your own style is a process, its an experiment and involves trial-and error. So keep your expectations realistic, focus on baby steps, don’t get discouraged! Like any hobby or art, fashion is a creative expression that has a learning curve and takes practice… but it’s for fun and it should feel like “you”. Fashion is only worthwhile if it make you feel good. its also something you can and should take breaks from when youre not feeling it. I never ever force myself to make up outfits or shop when I’m not in the mood. (Also? No matter how much of an expert in fashion you become you will ALWAYS have days where every single thing you try on looks and feels wrong and it just doesnt click… it’s just a thing that happens sometimes for no good reason).

#Anonymous #fashion #lmk if this isnt specific enough or you need more help!!!

15 notes · View notes

naranjapetrificada · 2 months

Note

20, 56, and 71? (I'm very curious about that last with your current project)

Thank you! I can always rely on you to indulge me when I want to play an ask game 🥰

It got a little long so I'm gonna put in a break to not ruin people's feeds.

Before the break though, if you want to play "get to know your fic writer" just pick your question(s) from this list!

20. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

There are a lot of possible answers to this one, but a few off the top of my head:

I can never resist a little alliteration.

It's something I always have to rein in a bit, but if I want to emphasize something I will regularly repeat myself. Not word for word, but restating it. I think this might be related to the way I speak IRL and the ADHD need to over-clarify. But it's a thing I've seen other writers do also!

I love an image, and literally require them to write the way the human brain requires oxygen. Every shorter piece I've posted was directly inspired by/is heavily dominated by a single image, to the point that I sometimes feel like it's the poetry part of my brain that writes anything under 2000 words.

56. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

The nouns. People, places, and things, as in introducing a character, evoking a place and describing a thing. Until fairly recently, those were my writing raisons d'être tbh. An image would lead me to one or more of them, and I'd get lost in them, but my motivation would always peter out around the time I needed stuff to like, happen. Plot was always, always an afterthought (which is a big reason for the poetry part of my brain I mentioned in the previous answer).

71. When it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

Hoo boy. What a question. I've never committed to a longfic the way I have with FtF so I'm still figuring it out. When I was still figuring out which tropey longfic I wanted to work on in this fandom I actually started with a different one (a "Stede gets captured by Blackbeard before he has the chance to get gut-stabbed by the Spanish" thing), which is why you'll confusingly see FtF posts tagged with #baby's second longfic. But one thing working on that first one helped me with was figuring out I need to stay on top of it all.

The short version is "a doc for everything and everything in a doc."

I have like, a "beat sheet" for the big story beats and a big messy "brain dump" sort of document, so that I can note new things down without getting distracted by where they're supposed to go. The latter is also where the earliest writing takes place, and how I learn what shape something could take.

When things start to coalesce a bit, there's a new file for every chapter that I can see on the horizon (like for FtF I've gone as far as Chapter 6). Doing it any other way would be literally unworkable for me. Besides just like, limiting the scale of whatever I'm looking at at a given moment, it's also handy to be able to cut and paste things around when I need to change where something falls in the timeline. And because this fic is The Way That It Is, I also have separate documents for things like flashbacks and the academic blurbs, although I will copy the latter to their requisite chapter doc when I figure out where I want them.

While writing this reply, it's occurred to me that it might be a good idea to have a document just for things that have been set in stone, like dates and ages and locations etc. Just to keep my facts straight. That's kind of a big reason I've been posting chapters as soon as they're written instead of waiting till I had a backlog - I needed to get some things set in stone so I wouldn't be tempted/able to keep changing everything. The more concrete details I nail down the faster (read: not fast) this thing gets written.

This has been so much fun and super educational to think about all this stuff so thank you so, so much for asking ❤️❤️❤️

#ask game #ask games #fic asks #writing asks #fic writing #writing process #asked and answered

2 notes · View notes

daz4i · 3 months

Text

ok ok rather than make a bunch of annoying vent posts i'm just gonna put everything on my mind all in one post to let it out 🔥 you absolutely do not need to read this, this is honestly so ridiculously long. my brain better feel clean for like at least 2 days after this fr

i knew i was gonna crash after this week and i think this is it 🥲 i was so tense for literally a whole week (even more tbh, bc i was preemptively scared of how much i have to do too) and i think the adrenaline drop kicked in after the peak of this one (aka being in a big social event. haven't been to one of those in literal years)

also. my parents have been sick this week and i think i maybe have contracted it too? 😭 if that is indeed the case it literally kicked in in the last like hour of the event, i was perfectly fine beforehand bc i avoided being in the same closed space as them when i could (aka kept my distance or made sure windows were open around me all the time jic). bc suddenly my whole body hurts like it hasn't in a long while. tho that might be the adrenaline crash too who knows 🥲 ig i'll see how i feel when i wake up

i have not been creative in awhile and i can feel my brain drowning in gunk lol. technically i tried writing songs a couple of times lately but they came out so bad i can't finish them. or anything. and i feel like shit abt failing to create literally anything. and i keep seeing people be creative and make so much or sharing their work fearlessly and it's always so much better than mine too that i'm burning with jealousy that i can't turn off (and can't channel into my own creation bc well. it comes out shitty! so the cycle not only continues but in fact gets worse each time). every time someone tells me i'm good it feels like they're lying to make me feel better or bc they love me so they're. biased and see everything i make as good bc it's me, so i can't count that. every time *i* feel like smth i made is good there's some glaring imperfection i don't know how to iron out so i start hating the whole piece. i don't know how to become better when every time i try to practice i end up wanting to claw my own eyes out as punishment for being so talentless and dumb

(the dumb thing too is. oh my god this is gonna sound so silly but. i try to make myself feel better by solving puzzles or trivia or riddles etc bc these are things i'm usually good at. but lately i can't be proud of myself for succeeding at any of them, and i keep beating myself harder for every time i fail or don't do as well as i used to, bc it feels like i'm failing at the only thing i'm supposed to be good at. also i just generally keep doing stupid things lately esp when it comes to my time management or taking care of my body in various ways, i keep forgetting things which is smth i almost never do, i struggle to get through conversations with others bc i trip over my words or make mistakes constantly, generally i'm just being stupid in various ways)

right now i am. so anxious. about so many things. here let me just make it into a list starting with very small to. probably still small but it feels big to me

1. this is so silly but. i am literally too tired to put small earrings back in after changing them to long one for the party. and i'm scared the holes will close up in my sleep. but this is literally so much work 💔 idk if the holes haven't healed properly or if i'm using the wrong metal so i keep getting infections bc it's been A While (two years. apparently. maybe more??) and they haven't healed yet. like i said a silly thing to get stressed over but i am. very tense

2. i don't know. if the people i knew in the party actually didn't recognize me or if they ignored me on purpose. bc i stood next to some of them while my besties were talking to them too and they didn't even say hi (or like introduced themselves the way others that i didn't know have done). one of them was literally my bestie for a good few months a few years ago and even tho i grew a beard i. don't think i changed THAT much??? also i don't think it's hard to make the connection abt who i am given how tight this community is. someone i haven't talked to since like 2015 bc we had beef recognized me even. so how come they didn't. i met one in a con recently and she did recognize me so. h. did i do something wrong. did someone say smth bad about me. i don't know i don't understand social rules enough to figure it out 😭

3. this is another thing abt that tbh 🥲 while it was very fun and a super cool event, it did remind me very painfully of why my social anxiety is so bad 😭 i felt like i made 10 social errors per minute. i didn't know what to say half the time so i just smiled or laughed and i think that made me seem creepy idk. a lot of people were very nice and i think i did mostly fine with them but also maybe not. idk. i am definitely overthinking things but what if i'm right. it's not that out of the question. i am known to fail social interactions there's a reason why i do my best to avoid them

4. and this is kinda bringing me to a thing i have on my mind a lot recently. bc i'm doing the recovery thing. and a lot of people - friends family and professionals who help me there - tell me i am capable of more than i think or admit. and i get WHY they think that bc i *am* doing a lot compared to the literal nothing i've been up to for years. but i am very much pushing outside my limits, which is why i'm constantly feeling like shit lately i think (not that i was doing great before but. yeah). it probably seems mostly effortless bc i just do them without beating much around the bush but that's only when i mentally prepare myself days or even weeks ahead (for reference, i'm talking about things like. being in public. or taking a bus). or the work i do for projects that... honestly idk how i'm doing that either. i am the laziest person ever and i have no ability to concentrate yet i managed to sit down and do work and do it well and learn text by heart and research and write for hours and ??? it does not feel like myself. but it also kinda does bc i need to very forcefully push myself into it and berate myself for hours until i actually get up to do anything so. it's not smth that comes naturally to me. i don't consider myself capable of things. i'm just very good at pretending i'm unbothered (up until i start crying uncontrollably at least lol) so ppl think i am. unfortunately. bc then they expect me to do more. or they pressure me into it then get disappointed when i can't do it (ig that's the core of it for me... i don't want anyone to develop expectations about me, bc i know i won't be able to meet them, at least not long term. so i insist i can't do anything, bc sometimes - often - i really really can't. i don't wanna be judged by my best. feels false to even call it that tbh. but that's bc it's so rare, it's the best for a reason, the absolute peak i can get to, as pathetic as it is. bc the problem is, when this is already beyond my limits, i literally can't go further, but that's what they want me to do 💔)

5. god. this is also a small thing probably but the accidental lie i mentioned. for context i am giving a lecture abt p5's mythology in the next con, that's the thing i was working on lately. anyway when i signed up i gave background information about myself, and to make myself sound more fitting for the job i said that i learned the topic in [university that specializes in said topic] bc i did - just. 2 classes. that's it. i was telling the truth there, technically (most of my knowledge on the topic comes from independent research, but the classes i took did help with that too, as in i knew where to look for info and things to look out for) (also for reference i'm gonna be fr. i did not finish these classes. social anxiety got to me and i was scared to go to anything outside zoom lessons which weren't an option anymore unfortunately)

ANYWAY when they told me i got in they sent me a "revised" bio which was just what i originally sent them, so i said okay. but now the whole thingie was posted and i can see my bio there and. they said i graduated from [uni] and used language that implies i have a degree in it, probably to make me sound more credible, but it's not true!!!! 😭😭😭 the thing i said was definitely embellishment but it WAS true enough that if asked directly about it i could spin it somehow ("oh i haven't finished yet" "yeah i took a couple of classes when i could to enrich my knowledge") but this. makes it so much harder

chances are i won't be asked bc why would anyone ask abt that. but ever since i started writing the script i was so stressed about people calling me out for being wrong abt info, so i even added a disclaimer of "these are old texts that have many versions that vary according to location or were changed with time uwu if you know a different version of this story that's probably why uwu" and "due to the time constraint i'm giving a very simplified and short version of this topic uwu" bc given that i'm talking a lot abt judaism. to a mainly (or most likely, entirely) jewish audience. it's enough that there is someone who is religious or previously ultra orthodox in the audience that if i make a mistake they could point it out. and then i'll start panicking and lose my train of thought and fuck everything up while i'm already so stressed as is and-

so like i've been super stressed abt all that^ until now but that misinfo in my bio is raising the stakes for me 😭 bc now what if someone who went to this uni and majored in this topic calls me out on never seeing me there. or they can tell the info i'm giving isn't smth that's taught there or isn't the way it's taught there. this is such a specific and unlikely fear but i can't not stress about it because TECHNICALLY it's possible, it COULD happen even if that's not too likely

6. all of this is while i'm also struggling with bureaucracy around that art program i'm signing up to, idk if i'll get in yet or not bc i need some files to be approved and idk if they would, and idk what i'll do if they don't. or what if they do! i'm honestly so scared to start it, idk how i'm gonna go from nothing to waking up early and driving an hour 4 times a week to be active and around people for a few hours. tbh i don't think i can, but also if this gets approved then i have to, so the government's money doesn't get flushed down the toilet bc of me.

7. all this shit has a major impact on my physical health 🥲 not getting into details bc that's def tmi territory but. i'm fighting for my life over a certain stress-caused medical thing for weeks now. only other time i had it was when the war originally started so naturally i was extra stressed then, but like, this is to give you a reference for how majorly stressed i am now. my regular pains are flaring up more often too which makes things harder to handle as well (like, stressing abt not doing enough work, bc i'm literally in too much pain to do anything but lie down. or being scared of the plans i have for the week bc what if these pains catch me when i'm outside or with people. how am i supposed to push through them. what if they catch me when i'm in public and i have to sit down in the middle of the street. what if i'm with people and i'm holding them back from doing smth bc of that. etc etc)

8. ofc all this is happening during the war and i keep seeing things i really don't wanna see from ppl in my country and the west 🥲 and it's like, the mix of guilt over this happening at all, and the frustration over feeling like i have nothing to do about it, and fear about how things are gonna escalate in either direction, and seeing friends from other countries posting things i agree with but can't condone full heartedly bc well. this'll hurt me directly, as selfish as it sounds (tbf, when i say hurt me directly, i'm talking about me and my loved ones' lives being endangered), but also seeing said loved ones talking about things i can't agree with morally, yet can't fully refute either because life is. complicated. i have a lot more to say tbh but i'm too tired to acknowledge every single facet of every single related issue which will open me to a lot of hate so. best to leave it here. unfortunately

idk where to put this. sorry for the sudden topic change. it feels bad to be stressed over that but, there is a guy who i know likes me like a lot. i think i'm like exactly his taste and he's always so excited about seeing or talking to me. one of my besties - or maybe more. idk - really wants us to get together bc tbh it'll probably be good for both of us, and y'all know how desperate i am to be loved lol. but i can't bring myself to like him the way he likes me 💔 he's fun but i have a hard time with one on one interactions so i can't really progress things and tbh, idk if i'm currently in a mindset where i even should, given all that^. also i know for a fact i can't handle an actual relationship, and i'm scared i'll disappoint him or drive him away if i'll be my real unfiltered self, and ik i need to be obsessed with someone to get attached this quickly but i can't force it either. and to put it more directly... i'm perfect for him and his taste, but not the other way around 🥲 (tho tbf idk what my taste even is. i identify as aroace for a reason). i don't wanna string him along but i think i already kind of am 😭 i like him but not as much as he likes me, but what i probably like here even more is the feeling of being liked. and that makes me feel like a dick. i also feel guilty for not liking him the same way ig even tho ik it's stupid bc it's not like i can control it. and yet

so yeah this is. a lot of shit. all at once. both silly and not silly at all. my brain is in constant overload. i get violently suicidal every time i have a moment alone with my thoughts or when i see anything that reminds me of that. bc all this stress makes life feel so impossible - it IS impossible - that i can't handle the thought of it, but half of the things that cause me stress are supposed to be for the purpose of distracting me from how stressful everything is. so. what the fuck am i supposed to do about all that. how am i supposed to live like at all

#vent #this was written very out of order #i don't expect anyone to read this but if you do. 1 sorry 2 are you okay 3 i love you #it feels better to post things than to just write them in a doc yknow??#not sure why. maybe it's the feeling of not being alone with these thoughts ig. or getting some external validation #it did help tho. i feel like i can actually go to sleep now maybe. wow #edit: holy shit i just checked. this took nearly 2 hours to type. wtf. damn guess i really needed that akdkglhlj #btw if you do read this you gotta like this post 🧐 so. i know. bc i like knowing. sorry

4 notes · View notes