#I'm like....I want the people my spouse works with to be safe and healthy??

[ghostat7am]

"Care for a bug?"

Trying to get more comfortable showing my other Crygors since I actually have eight of them but Diverged is the most beloved. So introducing the Crygor I'm the most self conscious of DKJJGN

Meet Dr. Kilrait and his critters Selene and Mauve! They're actually much bigger and tower over Kilrait, just wanted to draw them little and small

(you can see the decrease in quality as I became more and more self conscious about them SGKGH)

This au everyone is assigned a creature that people deem as scary or undesirable. Crygor (named Kilrait) is a snake, Orbulon (named Selene) is a mosquito and Mike (named Mauve) is a tarantula. It doesn't really have a story, it's mainly a series of bizarre and horror-inspired scenarios. But there is some backstory

(Character descriptions + basic backstories. CW for near death mentions & mistreatment/implied ab*se for Selene)

Dr. Kilrait (he/him - name pending) is this world's Crygor, based off a Malayan Krait, he's a happy go lucky and affectionate doctor who specialises in surgery and entomology. He cares for his patients amazingly and has extraordinary talents, he aims to change the future of humanity and make the world a better place.

However, he's hiding something underneath- he was born with the inability to feel pain or fear, attempting to change his own biology to the point of obsession. In attempt to gain these feelings, he has begun experiments where he puts healthy and consenting participants into near death situations to monitor and try to mimic their reactions. He truly has no ill intent and makes sure these patients are completely safe during & after these tests, paying for treatment for any mental trauma they may recieve from such tests- he just feels incomplete and wrong without feeling these "truly human" emotions and he'll do anything to change it, even if it means tearing his life to shreds to achieve it.

Mauve (he/him) is Dr. Kilrait's mechanical Metallic Blue Tarantula son and this world's Mike, created to ease the ever-growing internal isolation and loneliness his creator suffers from. Typically very cynical and a skeptic, but aids his father without question. Trusts his dad's every word with no further thought or hesitation since he is Mauve's only window to human society. He may seem cold, but truly he's also quite loving like his father- however he's far less doting, Kilrait is extremely doting towards anyone he goes attached to but especially Mauve. He's all Kilrait has...

A few years ago, Mauve offered himself as a test subject to ensure the equipment for Kilrait's fear tests were safe for human. Everything was going well until something malfunctioned and almost ended the robot, this was the closest Kilrait has felt true terror as he cradled his son's injured body. He is physically okay, but it has left a mental scar on them both - causing Kilrait to only become more protective.

Selene (they/them) is Mauve's spouse and this world's Orbulon, based off a mosquito, they are very snide and vindictive. Suffering from extreme trust issues due to past mistreatment and pain, taught to be a vampire and drain others of their life (literally and emotionally/mentally) - but their cruel nature encases a gentle and affectionate soul, Mauve is slowly cracking away at their shell so they can finally be themselves again without paranoia.

After being left to rot by one they considered to be their true love, Selene decided to close themselves off to never suffer like that again, turning to tormenting others to ease their unpleasant feelings and began working in shady business in disguises. One night, Selene encountered Mauve while attempting to dig dirt up on Kilrait for a paying client, attempting to scare information out of the spider- they were only met with lighthearted amusement and friendly gestures, catching Selene completely off guard. It turned into a pleasant conversation between them and Selene decided to not ruin Kilrait's life for Mauve's sake. Afterwards, they kept meeting up and eventually fell in love as Mauve gently lowered their walls.

#7amsau #7amswwareau #rambles at 7am #too nervous to actually tag #mauve was intended to be red #but i changed his pallete #kept the name tho lmao

[astroismypassion]

I have a fun one. Scorpio Juno in 8th House at 25 degrees. It’s trine my sun, which is in 12th.

Hi!

Yes, I like how even you recognize this is a "fun" one.

I don't know where are you guys hiding with this at least to me quite troubling Juno sign and aspects. It's all just very COMPLEX, it's what I'm trying to say.

And you might even feel torn and not really know what you want or how to decide on what would be the best. I MIGHT think that Scorpio is decisive energy, that these people know what they want, right? But in many many cases of Scorpio Juno I observed that these people are actually highly confused which direction of relationship they want to take and the path to that is often a bit HIDDEN from them, blurred. They could go back and forth, maybe wanting to marry, but then the next day, not really. Marriage could also be in a spur of the moment. Might be you just decided one day and did it on impulse just to feel something, to feel more alive.

This to me indicates jealousy issues, being possessive, territorial of each ohter. The type to say "my partner can't have any male friends" and vice versa. Very you belong to me and only me. You might like this attitude at first, but this can play out as strong emotional and mental manipulation games later on in the relationship/marriage. Your partner can isolate you often and a lot. Making him/her the most important person in your life and the only person you can confide in. Might make a lot of false promises too, but never come through with them and actually doing them since it's in trine with Sun in the 12th house. They will idealize you, but also falsly project any insecurity they might have felt growing up raised by their parents. Like if they might have disliked their mother or father, good luck dealing with all those projections later. Because each time they won't feel heard or misunderstood they might adopt "i hate women" or "i hate men" attitude due to being immature or not emotionally mature enough OR even emotionally dependent on their parents (hence on you later).

If you decide to have children with this person, you might actually have them before getting married, which could be considered a bit "taboo" to some. Since it's in the sign of Scorpio in the 8th house, I wouldn't really see this per se means you will marry into a wealthy family or that your partner will be well-off. Since is in that sign and in the 8th house, you might more likely experience debt from this person. Or you won't receive any part of divorce settlement or inheritance from this person or their family.

What is also really telling is the Aries degree of your Juno. You could be the last of your friends to get into a long-term partnership or married. You might be quite vocal and proud about not needing anyone, being whole and independent on your own and not relying on anyone to be content and live your life fully. As a result of that people might be shocked, surprised if you were to announce a long-term committment or even marriage. What is not talked enough about Aries degree here is that you might marry young, like at 21, 22, 23 or just way before the age of 30. Too young to some. However, I do feel if you decide FOR marriage, you might only marry once. You would give it a chance and if it doesn't work out how you imagine it, you wouldn't really consider marrying again. Might be one time deal only. You could even experience the whole marriage thing a bit too traumatic after ending it, so it's almost like what you get out of it is your individuality and knowing how to only rely on yourself and how to just live perfectly content on your own surrounded with family and friends. Aries degree here could also point to frequent tension and arguments with spouse, partner, but only AFTER moving in with them. When you each live on your own, you are perfectly safe from constant nagging and subtle tension. There could also be some healthy, friendly competition, however if not careful enough, this person could hold you back from some important opportunities in your life.

@astroismypassion

#astrology #astroismypassion #astro notes #astro observations #yours is definitely the most challenging juno i've come across up till now #sorry to say but it's true #astro note #scorpio juno in the 8th house #scorpio juno #scorpio #astro blog #astrology blog

[furiousgoldfish]

I'm sorry if this is long and rambling I just needed to vent you can delete this on sight if you want :)

I struggle really hard with understanding wether I've been abused/neglected.

My mom was always inconsistent with her behavior afaik, but I don't remember any real instances of neglect from her. She was (is) being abused by her mother (who we lived with), and my dad was (is) a drug addict who I have gone low contact with. My mom has also been improving in her behavior which makes it so much harder to put any label on her.

I feel like my family doesn't quite match any defined abuse structure, and my early (and current) situation are too nebulous and shifting to clearly define them as abuse or not.

It honestly makes me feel so shitty to have trauma responses in the way I do without having any clear definition of what happened.

If you're having trauma responses, it's likely you've been put thru something traumatic, these responses would not form out of nothing, or for no reason. Your family situation sounds extremely chaotic, you already have an abusive grandmother, and your mother is only 'improving', which tells me she has done awful things to you in the past, and your father is not someone you could count on to be a consistent parental figure for you.

I believe it's the parental duty to protect your children from any abusers, and that includes abusive grandparents and even their own spouse, if they're unsafe and a threat to the children. I can tell you were not protected, that you were led to doubt yourself instead, to forgive and give everyone multiple chances, to wait and see if people improve and immediately accept their improved version and not question what they did in the past. Your situation now is very unstable and it feels like you can't rely on much, don't have much stability or certainty in anything, and that in itself, is not a healthy or safe environment for you to be in, you're not getting a safe home, a family, a place where you're loved and sure in yourself, a place where nobody has, or would ever do you any harm. You have been robbed of your home.

I don't know what else has happened to you, but your experience sounds traumatic, just from reading this one ask I can tell you didn't receive what you were meant to have as a child. And living without stability, structure and safety, is traumatic, and you were owed that much. Your responses are logical, if anything then because you were likely the one who always had to worry, make things work, adjust so you're not asking for too much, and anticipate unsafety and danger. That would be enough to give anyone trauma responses, having to deal with such an environment from a young age. You're not guilty for this, there is no shame. You've had it tough and it wasn't okay.

#ask #furiousgoldfish #abusive grandparents #unstable environment #unhealthy environment

[selfpositiveundertale]

Hey y'all. Update on me.

So my health has more or less bounced back from the damage done by that medication I had to quit. I'm starting a new eating program with my husband today. I won't describe it because I don't want to trigger anyone who might have an eating disorder but I promise it's a healthy change even if it does have a number of restrictions so y'all don't need to worry about that. I will say though that I have to quit the energy drinks and can't have any alcohol on this diet. I can easily live without the alcohol but I need my caffeine so now I have to get it from unsweetened tea since I don't like black coffee. Thankfully, tea with fruit ingredients is allowed so I'm drinking a highly caffeinated green tea with peach flavoring. (it's the Energy Green Tea from Celestial Seasonings if anyone wants to try it! I don't recommend the Energy Black Tea because while it has vanilla flavor in it, it gets so bitter if you steep it the recommended time and then there's no saving it. Blegh.)

Again, I want to thank all of y'all for your support and help when I was at rock bottom a few months ago. I don't think I could have gotten through it without you, so thank you.

Our financial situation is Not Great at the moment, but it will soon get better, I'm sure. We won't be spending extra money ordering delivery or going out to eat, I have gotten back into my crochet work and reopened my Etsy shop(there's not much in it atm but I'm hoping to be able to list items on a more regular basis) so I will be bringing in a little extra that we can use to get groceries or my meds or whatever, and my husband is currently in school to get his CDL, which once he has it and can actually drive the trucks at his workplace, he'll be paid much more than he is currently. We had to spend all the money he had saved to get my mother a new engine for her car, which was a whole unpleasant fiasco that I won't get into, but we'll soon be able to start saving again, and we're going to try to save up for a down payment on a house, or a better car for my husband. Big plans on the horizon.

Heavier stuff.

I know a lot of my American followers are upset to say the least about the recent actions of the Supreme Court. I am too. I'm angry and scared, and I know a lot of y'all are too. Do whatever you need to stay safe. It's a terrifying time to be in right now. I can't really express exactly how I feel about it, the fear and anger. At this point, I think any and all paranoia towards the government is completely justified, and I say this as someone who has had literal paranoid delusions about the government. Again, do whatever is necessary to keep yourself safe. There are people out there who know more about how to stay safe right now than my ADHD brain is capable of retaining so keep an eye out for anything useful.

I can't promise to make content regularly at the present time as I have a lot on my plate between house spouse responsibilities, crochet work, and trying to keep up with my personal wellness plan(or at least get it rolling into action) but any time I get inspiration I'll try to make and post something. In the meantime, feel free to send in your requests but be aware I might not be able to get to them in a timely manner. I know I have a couple that have been sitting in my inbox for a long time and I deeply apologize for not getting to them yet but I'll try to when my head is less tired and more clear. I've been battling a migraine for the last few hours and the brain fog and fatigue are starting to set in. I might go to bed early tonight. I'll try to get a crochet thing started at least. Lots to do over the weekend too.

Much love to all of you.

Stay determined. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💙💜

[azure-cherie]

Hiii love hope you're happy and healthy !!!! And if not my best wishes to you 💖.

Moodboard for you :-

My charts :-

VEDIC

TROPICAL

Hii my dearest I'm good how are you bestie 🥹💕🍭 hope you are happy and healthy too ,

Thank you so much my dear these mood boards are really really beautiful 🥹🥹😍😍💕💕💕

Here's for ya :

Mars in 9 H Krittika , atmk mercury 7H conjunct sun in revati, Rahu bharani 8H conjunct Venus and moon

With your mars in 9 H Krittika, ahh that's signifies you can get into things that require great detail omg like for some reason gem stone industry, and yes yes definitely surgeon vibes , your usually do things which you love to do otherwise it's hard to make you do things , tbh you scare a lot of people ig because they're like how are a girl can you do all that omg , atmk in mercury, intelligence at peaks in revati and sun , budhaditya yoga omg i have that too , in 7H i understand now about your future spouse games hehe , u must tell you that your spouse will be beautiful and influential and will help you in your profession and could make you famous in general, in revati so i guess you would like to work as a leader in groups, you have the general aura in which people want to get under your guidance they want you to lead because they know they're safe . What you can do is save yourself from distractions, don't jump in every opportunity you get , learn the art of distinction and get closer to yourself and your personal desires, omg your placements i want this omg in 8H you could be known because of your soft yet enchanting beauty which is mysterious siren like , be sure whom you choose to give your time to , suited for beauty industry, you are very good at the art of Maya and mysticism, use it to your benefit.

I hope this helps, kindly leave a feedback 🌛

#azures games

[thewholeavocado]

I need to go to bed but I wanted to write some thoughts down.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want in life and happiness, or at least for the next 5-10 years. Its sort of funny because a lot of what I desire has been reflected in what I enjoy being around and what I read.

I definitely have a loose 5 year plan, including paying off debt, getting married, starting a family, ect.

But part of it also is to embrace the softness and joys of life.

I want to have a family, one that I've always wanted that's full of love, kindness, and understanding. A family that hold you accountable but loves you unconditionally. A family that enjoys your presence and appreciates the efforts you make.

I want to be a stay-at-home mom so I can provide, love, and teach my kids all day. I can teach them the ways of the world and explore with them, teaching them to kind and thoughtful humans, while having fun. We can squish in the mud in the garden while I teach them about the natural world and how we can take care and appreciate it. We can cook and bake together and find silly things to do to surprise their dad when he gets back.

I want to find the joys in living a simple life for a while and enjoy having a garden in the warm months. I want to preserve our work and efforts by freezing and canning good, wholesome food that will sustain us in the winter and while the cycle starts anew. I want to bake my own bread every week and have the house smell like heaven. I want to have a flower garden and have fresh cut flowers every week, as well as helping the bees. Bonus points if we have some chickens to wander around and provide eggs for breakfast and desserts.

I want to have a nice, clean, safe house so full of joy and laughter. I want it to be a place of solace and refuge, with lots of sunlight streaming through the lace curtains. I want to have people over to join for dinner or lunch, and maybe have the neighbors over for a picnic lunch while the kids play in the yard.

I want to wake up early and make pancakes to surprise the family. I want to see my future spouse's sleepy face and have soft kisses while I make sure I don't get distracted and burn my hard work. I'll recruit him in slicing some fruit so we can say we're being healthy as I finish up the pancakes and help get the kids set up.

I want the house to be filled with music. I still want to teach while I raise a young family and give music lessons to local kids for cheap. I want my own children to appreciate music and the joy it brings as I practice for my quartet and be involved in a community orchestra.

I mostly want a soft life filled with joy and love. Domestic bliss.

I know it won't always be easy and things are challenging, I'm not delusional of that

I'm excited of having a family of my very own, and one that we can treat each other right. One that isn't built on arguments, lies, and abuse.

I'm excited that this sort of life, even a fraction of it, is actually possible and maybe obtainable within the next 5-10 years.

#guys I've had it hard for so long #and i know none of this is easy #but like things have been getting better and better since i moved out #all im missing is a partner in crime #i sincerely think my significant other is going to be my life partner #hes just so good #hes the most kind caring wonderful and virtuous person ive ever met #he has integrity like youve never even seen #i always thought id be in a lukewarm relationship at best #im just so happy and excited to see what things bring #i jusr want to be happy in life #well give back to the community toi and do some volunteer work #and be active in our church #we can be mentors for young people #i will eventually return to teaching #i might sub on the occasion #but I'm excited to see how these next few years pan out #cottagecore #domestic bliss #5 year plan #sorry its 1 am but I'm feeling a lot #and wed have the cutest blonde kids with blue and green eyes #theyd have the most shaped noses too lmao #sorry i love him so much #and I really think he's my forever person #so its been rattling around in the brain #tw abuse #i grew up in an abusive household #Feeling some things tonight boys #ive been just so happy lately and the best is yet to come

[vizthedatum]

I keep thinking about how to describe it

CW: descriptions of rape and brain fog after emotional and psychological abuse -- It's so hard. In my relationship with my ex/spouse, most of the time - I would say, according to my memory at this moment as I transition into menstruation-day-2 and I am so hazy from the pain, I wholeheartedly consented.

I was wildly attracted to them, and I'm (to my deepest chagrin) incredibly demisexual and hypersexual with physical touch/affection being my primary love language. Ugh, it's all so difficult.

I was literally calling it "coerced sex." (I am so sorry to my friends and my obgyn - with whom I've used this term, SIGH SIGH)

It's just that it felt different than all the other times I've been assaulted or raped. It turns out, you can still be surprised at all the forms of rape there are.

And I loved them. I loved them so much that despite everything, I married them.

I felt like I had to fawn and people-please to consent.

I felt like I would betray them if I didn't.

The way that the whole *love-bombing ~ controlling critical remarks ~ the fighting ~ the general control cycle* would work... was to initially get me into a reactive state.

I am a highly emotional and sensitive person who TRIES THEIR ABSOLUTE BEST to be grounded and level-headed.

But once you have me doubting my logical abilities, you can get me to whichever emotional state you want (*realizing that they're typing up a how-to in abusing me, but whatever*).

And when I'm highly stressed, I become highly sexual, even if I don't want to be. Even if I'm in so much pain that I can't move.

It's fine if I'm in that state with someone who makes me feel safe - then it's fun and nice and healthy.

It's maddeningly confusing when you're with someone who is supposed to love you -but- you don't want to be touched by them -but- you feel attracted -but- you are so so sad -and- they aren't even going to really have sex with you in a way that's going to be pleasurable anyway because they think you're too much work so you're really just an oversized human fleshlight who is prone to extreme pain and is "always in a crisis" -and- they weaponize your physical need for intimacy for their own needs - and- they don't do any foreplay (on purpose - they withhold it from me on purpose. they engaged in non-consensual psychosexual torture, and they will claim that they didn't know) -and- they cannot empathize with you.

...

I've been listening and reading to a lot of survivors of situations involving abuse from "narcissists" (or those who have narcissistic qualities who have chosen to abuse their partners in a consistent way -- I am trying to figure out how to best describe my experience without being ableist but it's so so so FUCKING hard - and I don't know yet, so please give me some grace). Anyway, this is really common!

They get you into a reactive emotional state (and I often was, despite all the things I did and used to cope) and you're often pushed to your limits with all the emotions you're feeling.

I suspect they were trying to get me into a state where I'd start abusing them. I definitely did yell back and cry sometimes. I never hit them. I never tried to coerce sex. (They did accuse me of doing that once, and I wrote about that in my PFA - because my memory is so fucked up from that incident (gaslighting), I don't know what happened really) It was almost like they were egging me on. And then when the visibly negative "abusive" part was over, it was a stark transition into loving stuff - things that they knew I like - things that were indicative of peace - and even if I didn't want to be touched, I was already feeling sexually charged - and then we'd have sex or have some sort of physical affectionate make-up... :/

...

The last time we had sex, and I still don't know if they know, I really didn't want to. I verbally consented, but I was just about to leave - leave the place where we lived to... uh be homeless. I was already in a daze - I don't drive intoxicated so I wasn't using any klonopin or weed or any other medication... so my reality was STARKLY REAL to me. Still in a haze. Autistic and heavily traumatized and feeling like trash.

I hadn't eaten, I don't think. They offered to get me food.

I hadn't moved from the same place on the couch all day. I don't even remember going to the bathroom. I don't think I had any clothes on - I don't remember how long it had been.

I had signed a lease that started in mid-December the previous day. It was the nicest place I had seen, somewhere I could maybe be comfortable and heal for a while? And it didn't check pay stubs. So many other landlords correctly suspected domestic violence even when I briefly mentioned why I was moving out. So I lied. I hadn't admitted it yet because when I tried telling my ex/spouse that it was abuse (because who else was I going to tell? My therapist?! sigh) - it got pushed to the side.

I had given up asking and figuring out how I was going to get my stuff.

I didn't know how I was going to support myself financially - I had been so careful. I knew I could do it - I could make something work. I was just going to figure it out as I went along, with contingencies in place. I didn't become skilled in math and statistics for nothing.

I was leaving knowing that I could still be trapped - we were married even though I had broken up with them. I still loved them. I needed them? (A common tactic is to get people completely dependent on them - even if they have options - it's all a part of the control.)

The previous day, my housing plan for until I could move into my new place fell through - my meta called and said it was off the table; it would have been my other partner's (now ex-partner) old place. I remember crying (or internally crying?) on the phone with them, and remembering that they told me that they understood. Just crying in my car with flowers I bought myself for my last weekend with my ex/spouse.

I couldn't feel my body, but I knew somewhere deep inside, I was in pain.

I had just gotten back from 2?3? weeks of traveling back to my hometown (well, mostly my hometown) to help my brother move out of my abusive parents' home. FINALLY. It was fucking awful. I love my parents, and it was my mom's birthday, and she gave me all the family heirlooms and the stuff she had saved for my wedding/marriage.... and like surprise medical announcements! and more abuse! and I hated it all, even though there were some good moments. And my ex/spouse had yanked out my IUD before I went there so when I got back... my body was in shambles.

I was barely eating. I was hyperfocused on: voting, not getting covid, seeing my other partner and the other person I was dating (I don't think I had time to see friends), emotionally preparing for isolating forever with ex/spouse, finding an apartment as fast as I could, vaguely asking friends if I could stay with them, finding a job, figuring out what I even wanted to do for a job, publicly stating that I have autism....

My ex/spouse had me isolated in an Airbnb when I came back - so I negotiated to figure out how to see two people (and only those people) before my isolation period ended. They'll tell you this was all my idea, but they cornered me into unnecessary isolation - and they were not happy I was seeing my other partner and the person I was dating (not because of jealousy, but because they wanted to control me -- a reminder, they are poly too, and I was "officially" dating "approved" people -- and well whatever, my ex/spouse is doing relationships all wrong so it doesn't even matter. I never cheated on them - they knew what I got up to, and I got up to a lot. They just didn't like it, and they didn't want to work on it with me because they just wanted to control me.)

They got testy with me if I didn't take my covid test at the same time every day. Even though IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER.

The last person I hung out with before I came back to my ex/spouse slept in, and I was having a really nice time, and I didn't take my covid test until almost 3pm that day (Friday). So my ex/spouse had me shift my return back to our home to 3pm (the following Tuesday).

I remember driving around a bit after checking out of the Airbnb, telling myself I was so excited to see them. I truly was. I missed them.

It was nice when I came back until they started to yell at me for all my disgusting behaviors. I had torn a hole in our marriage. I needed to leave. Strands of my hair were burning their tongue. They didn't want me.

And then they apologized but not really.

And it continued like that cyclically, hour after hour, as long as I was conscious. I tamped down my anxiety and trauma responses as best I could. So that was the state I was in... the day I left. I was fully broken. I had masked behaviorally with my future landlord and my friend (who I had snuck out to see on Saturday UNMASKED (no face mask) - he just wanted to get me tea and comfort me. We weren't/aren't seeing each other or anything. He and I had been friends for years, and I think he could tell, but I couldn't even tell him, even though he'd understand. And now he does. He's one of my biggest supporters.), and it took everything out of me.

I dropped my touch boundary. I don't remember dropping it. I wanted them so badly. I wanted them to LOVE me. To be actually affectionate with me. I was not in the right state of mind. I felt like I was blacking out on the inside. I had to stay conscious to drive to the house down the street, where the friend I was dating lived and even though they were already triggered by what was going on, I didn't have that many options until later in the week, so that's what I was going to do.

Well, suddenly, we were having sex and I remembered being disembodied and saying yes - I felt like I was a robot, I knew what to do and how to be - just mindlessly being in position.

And then I had a panic attack. I think I collapsed where I was or went on the floor - I can't remember. I think I was screaming. And crying. And wanting to throw up.

They yelled at me. I couldn't respond at all. I couldn't stop screaming or maybe I was screaming inside my head - I don't know.

I think the sex continued and then stopped? They kept yelling.

I don't know what happened until I was grabbing my suitcase and the boxes I had packed earlier that week and shoving them into my car. They tried to help, unhelpfully. I needed them to carry things because I often ended up with no physical strength around them. They remarked on how things wouldn't fit, even though they did fit - I made them fit.

I didn't want to kiss them goodbye. I felt like I would die if I didn't say yes.

I did kiss them goodbye. It was the worst kiss of my life. I hated myself. I loved them. I thought I was pathetic.

--

And then I got in my car, texted my friends, and got lost driving even though I was literally going less than a mile away.

And then I probably triggered my friend even more - and I felt like I was too damaged to ever really be loved again. I was very shaken up when I showed up at their place. I felt like a monster to be dating them. They were so nice, even though also kind of shaken? I'm sure it all seemed so chaotic. We ended up making out, and it made me feel warm on the inside like I meant something to someone. And then they retreated... and I realized sadly that they probably thought it was inappropriate. I don't know if they were joking or not, but it was implied that maybe I seduced them? I don't know. I shouldn't take it personally. I don't want to force something on someone, like that. I just enjoy being held and kissed - I don't think it's wrong to want that, even if you went through something. On the flip side, it's also not wrong to stop kissing a friend you're dating who has just fled their ex/spouse. We stopped, and I went to bed. Thoughts went through my mind (and they still do): No one will want to be with me like this. They only want you when you're quiet and look the part - they only want to use you for *some* of the things you know and your body - they don't actually want you. They can't give you what you need. Only you can.

And then a couple days later, my friends convinced me to truly cut things off with my ex/spouse and start actually saying it was domestic violence... and life has been brighter ever since. Hard as fuck. But better.

#rape #rapeawareness #narcissistic supply #coerced sex #harm #trauma #healing #heartbreak #neurodivergence #control #power #just a part of the story #queer

[thesaltyace]

Ooooo boy

Guess what time it is?

RANT TIME!!!!

What to expect below the cut: barely controlled RAGE at my new neighbor regarding discussion of religion (Christianity in particular). Spoiler alert: I’m not Christian and have a negative knee-jerk reaction to most interactions with people who go out of their way to make sure you know they’re a Christian and/or assume that I am, too!

This interaction has been bothering me ALL FUCKING DAY. It only “clicked” for me as I was putting away groceries just a moment ago that I’m upset because of the way this neighbor gave me only two choices in the conversation: 1) agree with him because of the assumptions he aggressively placed on me, or 2) make the difficult decision to “other” myself to a person I met literally two minutes ago.

So here’s what happened. The spouse and I needed to go run some errands today. We decided to take our large vehicle (an SUV) which was still loaded up with a few things from the move (...three weeks later.... lmao) so the spouse went outside to quickly shove it all into the garage so we’d have an empty car ready to transport groceries and possibly a table (if we found what we were looking for).

I got distracted while he was out there but didn’t try to redirect myself because I knew he’d come back inside once the car was unloaded so that we could treat our dogs and leave. But after a while it dawned on me that he’d been outside a lot longer than needed to unload just a few things into the garage. As if on cue, he comes inside and mutters, “Well, I haven’t unloaded anything yet because I met the neighbor over to the right of us.... that’s been fun....”

Apparently the neighbor is outside washing his car and sees my spouse’s Star Wars tshirt and uses that as an opportunity to start a conversation. No big deal, sure, lots of people do that. Then he immediately lets my spouse know that he did NOT like the most recent trilogy. And as spouse tells me this I outwardly cringe. Because here’s the thing..... 1) you’re going to lead with that?? and 2) never has anyone said that to us and been talking about anything reasonable. It’s always about not liking the “PC culture” and “catering” to particular audiences (read: being a sexist and racist) and never anything like “whoa they really fucked over their actors of color wtf”. So that’s red flag number one, but of course I also acknowledge that I don’t have a lot of details about this dude or his opinions yet, so I’ll just treat this as one piece of the suspected puzzle and see how it turns out. “Strike one,” I think. 

But you and I both know where this is going, because liking the last Star Wars trilogy isn’t itself political but the reasons you don’t like the final Star Wars trilogy suuuuuuuuure are telling.

Anyway, because my spouse suffers from chronic politeness, he feels awkward unloading the car while the neighbor is trying to talk to him so he just.... stands there and listens. So I join him outside and almost single-handedly unload the entire car myself while the spouse continues to awkwardly talk with the neighbor. I don’t bother to introduce myself to the neighbor and he doesn’t really acknowledge my existence either, so I���m already mentally thinking, “Strike two.”

So the dude just keeps kind of talking at my spouse as he stands there awkwardly, trying to be polite and friendly but feeling that he’s not truly part of a conversation. And he’s right! I finished unloading the car, went inside to treat and crate the dogs, and returned to the car, signaling that we needed to go. The spouse tries to disengage, but the neighbor is very intent on talking to him about his Gaelic heritage. Oof. Dude, I know we wear kilts but we literally Do Not Care. We wear them because we like them. The fact that we each have some Scottish and/or Irish heritage is just a little bit of justification we use if we aren’t comfortable telling someone that we like them because they’re both gender-neutral and gender-wtf clothing.

So anyway, the neighbor who is already on Strike Two veers deep into “If you had started with zero strikes, this topic immediately bumps you up to Strike 10″ territory. He makes some comment about being related due to Gaelic ancestry, and then uses that to segue into, “Well, I mean, we’re all cousins really when you think about it! After the flood, you know, with Noah and then those families parted ways with different languages and drifted apart.... So yeah, we’re really just cousins, you, me, and the rest of the world!” And he just grins at us with the expectation that we agree.

Y’all I have said it before and I will say it again: I may never go back to being maskless in public. And it’s specifically because no one can see my facial expressions in situations like this, when I desperately want to leave the conversation without causing a scene but also can’t hide either my horror, disgust, or anger.

So, as someone who was raised in a Southern Baptist household and is now staunchly non-religious, two things went through my head:

1) .....If you believe that all humankind descended from Adam and Eve then... the flood is kind of irrelevant for determining if we’re all related, wouldn’t you say?

2) ...you REALLY just did the thing. The thing that until today I’ve not been able to adequately describe. The thing where you make the pompous assumption that of COURSE these perfect strangers I’m talking to are CHRISTIAN! Of COURSE they are! So I’m gonna talk to them as though I KNOW they are and as thought to be otherwise would be ABSURD!

So my spouse and I are both standing next to our car, staring at this man who’s wearing a smug asshole grin on his face, really proud of how “friendly” and “loving” he’s being, I’m sure. And spouse glances at me, probably hoping that I don’t tear this man’s face off and therefore break the peace. I glance back at him, trying to figure out if I do want to rip this man’s face off or if I’d rather go shopping for a table. 

And I decide that I’d rather shop for a table and not immediately torpedo the chance of hopefully peacefully avoiding this neighbor forever more without introducing animosity. So we laughed uneasily and I said, “We’ve really got to go if we want to get everything done before things close today,” then hoisted myself into my seat and shut the door. Spouse hopped in and the second his door shut we both shrieked a quiet shriek of “OMG WTF” and drove away.

But I’ve been chewing on this interaction ALL DAY and I’m like.... why am I so goddamn mad about this??? And I finally figured it out. It’s because this man left no room for me or my spouse to be anyone other than who he assumed we are. 

He assumed that we were 1) Christian and 2) agreed with him. 

I won’t speak for my spouse, as his relationship with religion is more complicated than my own, but I 1) am not and 2) do not.

He crowded out who we actually are to make room for who he thinks we should be, and that will NEVER be okay with me. I’ve fought against being who others want or tell me to be my entire goddamn life, and that is why this is so upsetting to me.

We could either agree with him (or decline to disagree - same effect on the neighbor’s end) and keep the peace.

Or we could “other” ourselves and make it known that we aren’t the “good” people he assumes we are.

Because here’s the thing - never have I met someone who assumes I’m Christian and is 100% okay and nonproblematic when they find out (or I tell them) that I’m not. There’s always disappointment or confusion or outright hostility. 

And that means that othering ourselves to this complete stranger who lives next door to us isn’t safe and puts us at risk of making our existence here a living hell. Because we don’t know what kind of person he is, but based on our very brief interactions thus far I can probably guess. 

I am still so goddamn mad about this. And it’s interactions like these that make it so incredibly difficult for me to try to remain neutral or unbothered in situations where I must interact with overt Christianity bullshit. The people who are the most loud and pushy about it, the people who are the most insistent that of COURSE anyone worth interacting with is Christian, are exactly the types of Christians that make me want to run screaming from the room.

#bad neighbor #christians make me so fucking uncomfortable #and its the very specific kind of christianity that exists here in the US #and especially in the south #it's the fucking worst #omg and I never told y'all how one of my spouse's colleagues called us 'christ-like' #for delivering a hot meal and fresh baked bread to them #like.... we delivered that to everyone in the department as a nice gesture when the pandemic began #and we were trying to find ways to stay connected #oh he also said that about me making masks for everyone around the same time #I'm like....I want the people my spouse works with to be safe and healthy?? #and it made me so fucking uncomfortable to be 'lauded' as 'christ-like' because I'm like.... #do NOT compare me to your religious figure #do NOT #it's bullshit and feels so performative just STOP #ughhhhhhhhhhhh

[minkmousesworld]

Oh my <3 Tanjiro had a very very "scary" nightmare. Hehe, he won't be able to look at Dragon Reader the same way anymore after that.

Yes, I'm jealous- I want the pretty Prince Tanjiro. Hmph, I want Dragon Reader who probably should have expected that someone WILL come for Tanjiro, and that poor person will face an very possessive Dragon who refuses to let Tanjiro anywhere near them.

Their body aches to take Tanjiro away and deeper inside the cave, somewhere more safe and secure. No, they must..control themselves. For Tanjiro's sake.... Yet why do they feel so bitter at Tanjiro smiling around this person.

Dragon Reader just sulking and being all huffy, like an angry puppy trying to get their owner's attention. They'll just have to try harder to remind Tanjiro whose their spouse is and determine what Tanjiro likes of this....stranger in their home.

Maybe Tanjiro's little dark fantasy was a future vision of what's to come~ <33 Dragon Reader has to make sure everyone knows who Tanjiro truly belongs

- kitsune anon

| [content warnings] interspecies relationship, jealous, mention of jealous sex [?], petting; low-key possessive reader

ahsgshsghss marshmaltsune,,,,,

Tanjirou, who assures himself that he wasn't scared at all then, because he knows that it won't make you feel good, but at the same time he was actually terrified then, and the current love for you is superimposed on his past awe and fear of how wild and huge you are guarding him in your cave as if he were your property,,,, But why else can a person be protected by a dragon? Look, he doesn't always think about, well, f-family making... b-but it's natural that the first thing he thought was that you want cubs from him, okay? He has his weaknesses, no shaming </3

he's so pretty,,, like... so so pretty. none of your jewels can't compare to how pretty he is — and someone could say that 'you're just hungry for attention and care', but- that's not the case! you are hungry for cute things and cute people! you are a dragon! you make an "arrr" sound and make your cave filled to the brim with treasures, then to guard them from strangers.

but who knew that you would find your main treasure unguarded, abandoned and wounded? and even if he's a little scared, it's okay — you took care of him and make him your main pearl! every decent dragon should have at least one (1) person, right? you used to think it was terrible nonsense, but now, snuggling up to your human, you think that no, there is something in it... even if your Tanjirou seems to attract the attention of others...

although it doesn't matter, you will drive away everyone who tries to get close to your partner. this is your partner and you were the first to find him! maybe he's not full of your eggs yet and you don't have cubs yet, but you still have to take care of him and make sure no one touches him!

of course, many people want to get the same gentle, affectionate and understanding as him, but you can't let them! he's only yours! you find him when he was abandoned, took care of him and made him so healthy and happy, and now that he's so good- and someone wants to take a bite out of him? nope. first, a growl, which you can then reinforce with claws for the most clueless. the mate is in the nest, they are in a forest. does someone not like something? in addition to claws, you have fangs that everyone can try on themselves, you are not shy.

your partner is not a human circular device that can be shoved anywhere to make things work. and he shouldn't care about their problems, especially when they now come and demand something.

but for some reason he cares. why is he so affectionate and sociable with them? maybe not as affectionate as with you, but they're still too close! this is your partner! dragons don't let others get close to their mate, and Tanjirou is your mate! this creature is too close to your human!

you can't help but snap your teeth, warning when they get even unacceptably closer to your partner, because you are already restless, it's a bad idea to get even closer to him, they don't want to feel the consequences of such an action.

and you are coping well with the fact that your mate is communicating with someone else, it is very noble and patient of you, you are such a good partner, Tanjirou will definitely appreciate it and will be happy afterwards... but when they try to take him somewhere? you're on your limit. yes, maybe they have the right to see his smile and even touch him slightly, but try to take him away? try to pick up your partner? they should be grateful that you didn't bite something off them, but simply kicked them out without hesitation, even when Tanjirou says something to you without trying to stop. that's it, time is over, let this creature go away and not come back, your partner's only task is to live in your cave.

he has to stay here! no one can so brazenly drag him with them! the outside world is dangerous!

he has already been hurt once and no one helped him, even when he was unconscious! and you- you can't go with him; even if you didn't have a cave, you have the right time for cubs! who knows when you will still be able to have eggs? in the end, your family will be interrupted by you if you allow mundane human problems to interfere with such a thing!

besides, why should you let your partner leave with someone else? they didn't even tell you! they just took him by the hand and led him! how rude! is it not clear that he is your mate?

...

is it?...

when Tanjirou looks up at you while lying in the nest, he looks slightly confused when your scent suddenly changes. but when his hand strokes you, thoughts converge sharply in your head.

yes, of course — they did not understand that he is your mate and cannot leave you.

if he gets painted by your bites and filled up until his body gets too sensitive, they won't think he's not yours, will they? you actually avoided mating — his body is so fragile and tender, he shivers even when you just kiss him, but sometimes sacrifices are needed, right? you will be careful, you will make sure that he feels good. even if his human body is easily injured, you are not going to mate with him as with a dragon — and you do not plan to give him cubs for the first time.

just make sure that he also understands that you are not just treating him so affectionately.

... Tanjirou is definitely having a good time afterwards <3

#.spicy♡ #🐹.cute mouse #🐹.kitsune anon♡ #🍑.tanjirou kamado #🍮.mythical creations au #🍮.kingdom au #🌰.interspecies relationship #🌰.breeding #🌰.dragon reader #🌰.jealous sex

[sisterssafespace]

Salam alaykum sister(s),

First : thank you for setting up this safe place. may Allah reward you for it.

I would like to ask you for advice on how to not become too attached when getting to know someone as a potential spouse.

When I was younger, I was good at keeping a distance. I dealt with the whole "getting to know step" in a businesslike manner and a very detached attitude. But years went by and somehow it never worked out and I remained unmarried. I thought maybe it was because I was too detached and relaxed about the process, not caring so much.

So I decided to be more approchable and a little less guarded. But as you can guess, disaster struck as I got deeply attached to someone who was not serious about it. It wasn't a relationship but a very long winded "getting to know" in which I thought he was getting ready to take the next step but it turned out he was just keeping me around because he felt lonely. And I kept it up because I was attached to him. It's over now alhamdulillah.

Now, I've been introduced to someone else and I'm scared I'll get attached. I'm hoping and praying this person is genuine and will be serious about this.

It was easier to remain emotionally detached when I was younger : If it didn't work out, I'd still have years left but it's getting later and later to start a family ( maybe I'm your age or older than you). Now, in spite of a healthy relationship with God, supportive family and friends : I do feel very lonely and tired with all this. This loneliness makes vulnerable. And I'm scared I'll get my hopes up and get attached and get hurt again.

How do I remain genuine, warm, approchable but avoid attachement?

Please make dua for me to get married. I don't want to complain and I want to trust God... I just don't want to make the same mistakes again.

Wa alaykum assalamu wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuhu dear,

I hope you are at much better place now since you sent this ask, and apologies for the late reply as I was a bit busy outside of tumblr, but kheir in shaa Allah.

I think what you are describing applies to your life approach in general and not necessarily when it comes to potential spouses and marriage, because we all have different attachment styles, and often they get affected by our mental health, our experiences and our traumas.. so it makes total sense that you've become more wary and reserved after your heart got broken the last time. That's a natural defense mechanism.

My idea though is that if you can change your perspective on the " meeting/ getting to know someone " process, it could help. Instead of focusing on how much attachement you should let out toward the guy, I recommend you get more attached to Allah swt because that's the only attachment that won't let you hurt and broken at the end. If you use every atom of love and care that you have in your heart to love Allah swt, the planner, the Creator, the provider, and trust that He swt will give you the right guy for you at the right time for you, then you will find it easy to act around the potential spouse. Allah swt won't let you down, He will make ways for you to be comfortable or uncomfortable if the guy is not your naseeb or rizq. Do not spend your energy worrying about how to act around the guy and how to present yourself during the " getting to know them" period, rather focus your energy on making duaa that Allah swt guide you and ease your affairs. The closer you are to Allah swt the more you will be filled with peace and confidence, which will be radiating in your manners and your interactions with people around you.

And do not forget to make the duaa of Musa (as):

رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنْزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ

`My Lord! I stand in need of whatever good You may bestow on me.'

May Allah swt bless your journey and fill your heart with patience and contentment my dear, ameen.

May Allah swt grant the girls of this ummah the pious husband that would fear Allah swt and take good care of them, ameen.

- A. Z. 🍃

#on marriage #sisterssafespace

[stigandr-the-cat]

AHHHHHH THANK YOU AGAIN TO @ghost-party for listening to me babble for hours on end and letting me join your collab not to mention beta reading!!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH TREASURE OF MY HEART 🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡

A/N : Update because i realized i have zero context for this. 😅

Modern! Single dad! Reiner with GN reader. Theme is meet-cute. 4.8k mentions of death, war, and injury. More along the lines of fluff with slight smut so minors DNI. ENJOY 😊

The young woman ran from Eldia, from a home torn apart with war. One arm caged her son Reiner against her chest, the other hand held fast to the child of her sister, the rest of their family dead. Still in the throes of grief that threatened to tear apart her soul, her only thought was to save the children in her arms. A prayer that they soon would find themselves someplace safe and far away from this nightmare dragged into daylight was whispered unceasingly on chapped lips.

Years later, at 24, Reiner Braun has worn each stage of life like too-tight skin. Skin split down his back as he tried to find freedom with each forward step. Each new layer would crack across the knuckles, dripping blood-soaked memories. More cracks formed down his chest, broken and straining against the strong beat of his heart. He had run from childhood into the military without a second to breathe let alone think. A military that sent him to that first forgotten home to kill his own people that everyone was raised to see as monsters. Yet on the return, he could only see them as a single entity being lead to slaughter. The sight of his mother's tears when he had left burned in his dreams before turning into the screams of comrades who hadn't come home. With that, he now carries himself like a broken weapon, only good for being melted down and used for scrap.

Upon an old motorcycle, Reiner settled down in the traffic, kickstand on the road. They hadn't moved in a while, and from what little he could see, they wouldn't be for a while. As if the sky above had conspired against his desire to have a peaceful night with half-forgotten family before returning to the apartment — to the death that waited. A clean, loaded rifle, with the barrel ready for him to swallow so he could greet the stars above. Would they be welcoming in their cold light? Most of them were long dead after images, just as he was only the mirage of whatever broken mold there had been before. Still, he would say his goodbyes while they welcomed his brother's baby girl into this broken world.

Slowly, traffic moved forward after an age of stillness. A silent prayer of thanks to whatever power kept the world spinning escaped Reiner's lips. The thanks turned into that sharp inhale of one who is trying to stay calm when faced with carnage. His eyes widened at the sight of the crash, one car so mangled as to be unrecognizable, trapped under a jack-knifed semi-truck. Blood dripped down a mangled hand, a ring glinting in a shaft of sunlight. Reiner wasn't sure if he felt envy or pity for the poor bastard. He crawled past and on towards the hospital where his family waited.

"Mr. Braun?" Reiner stood and turned towards the voice, faltering for a moment when he saw a policeman standing with a doctor. Their expressions were agonized, bodies as stiff as corpses on a sting.

"Yes?"

"I'm Doctor Cooper and this is Officer Forger. I'm afraid we have terrible news."

Reiner had known something was wrong when the nurse at the desk had, with the face of a ghost, told him to sit when he gave his name. How she had whispered into her phone, "He's here," when his back was turned. He sat stone-still, mind spinning. What could it be? What could be so bad that not one of the family could greet him? His heart thumped against cracked ribs, the scabbed-over, broken skin now oozing fresh blood at the strength of it. Fear filled his blood, choking the air.

"There was an accident. Your mother and brother were involved in a car crash and died. Your sister-in-law, upon hearing the news, became frantic, and in the attempt to restrain her, stitches from the caesarian tore open. We tried to save her but sadly were unable to do so."

Reiner felt the world stop, a shuddering breath turning to poison in his lungs. The car under the semi… Had that been them?

"What about..." His voice faltered before the soldier in him took over. "What about the baby? Gabi?"

"She’s fine. Healthy baby girl. There will be paperwork and other legalities to take care of, but it looks like you’re the only family she has left."

At nearly 30, this latest skin Reiner wears hardly fits him any better than others in the past. It still bleeds at the knuckles, staining his hands crimson. The baby turned toddler and now child, calling him Dad, not Uncle, even as Reiner tried to convince her otherwise. Gabi is as headstrong as both he and his brother combined. She has learned from her friends that he fits the definition of a dad, and so he is Dad. As such, he has taken this new name like a vow to be the best he could be. The rifle was long ago sold, his old uniform and medals placed in a locked box at the back of his closet, left to rot. The apartment that would have welcomed his death has now been left behind. With his daughter, they have made a faraway condo their home.

"Dad! It's time for the park!" Gabi calls, her little feet dancing loudly at the back door.

"I hear you, I hear you. One second," Reiner calls back from the kitchen, filling a water bottle before adding it to a backpack, along with some snacks.

Gabi continues to stamp her feet and huff as he puts on his jacket and shoes. Then they are out the back door, to the gate that leads from their backyard into the park. Gabi is already running top speed to the playground. Reiner just lengthens his strides to keep up, not even trying to get her to slow down. It’s as futile as trying to stop a rocket with bare hands.

At the park on the benches, three moms sit like The Fates squabbling over their single eye. He takes his place on another bench, close enough to hear them but only just. His mind is more focused on watching the children than listening to their continual tainted stream of gossip.

"Did you hear? The old condo sold, and apparently it’s the sister of that shrew," one hisses.

"They’re going to be living next to each other. It’s a family," a second observes. She must have spent the night over Facebook and wine again.

"Oh, look... Here comes the shrew. The kid must be the sister’s," the final woman — the ringleader — observes.

This catches Reiner's attention. He looks up from the kids to see the new arrivals. You are heart-stopping, wearing a black leather jacket and light pink shirt, snug jeans, and leather boots. Your hand is intertwined with one belonging to a small child, puffy in their coat and boots, and you silently encourage them forward to the swings. They look back at you before running towards Gabi to introduce themselves. Already her hand is taking the place of yours, and they are off running and tumbling across the playground.

Reiner has heard of you before, sure, the mothers only calling you “the shrew.” The only other single person on this block, they tried to set you two up as soon as they learned he was also single. But he never agreed and neither did you. An action he now regrets as his eyes drift back over you, a warm smile dancing on your lips as you stand before The Fates while they weigh you in the scale of their own image. He knows they already find you both lacking. Their ideal of white picket fences with a spouse and two children, with the only variant being what pet you own, doesn’t match the lines you have drawn around as your framework. And yet you stand, head high, knowing you are your own ideal. It is like looking at a river breaking the bonds others would have forced on it — magnificent, leaving him hungry for any scrape of attention you would throw at him. A shriek of delight recalls his attention to the children, even as he strains to hear the nectar that drips from your lips.

"Yes, my sister bought the condo next to me. Rin is the kid's name. I'm watching them today. Yes, my sister will be wanting to join the Facebook group. No, I still don't have a Facebook and won't be joining." Your voice is clipped against the torrent of questions.

Finally, you get away from them and come sit next to him. He can feel the blush rising to his face.

"God, they’re catty. I almost thought they were going to try and eat my heart." Reiner chuckles at this. "I'm Y/N. And you?"

"Reiner Braun."

"Which one is yours?"

"The one with dark brown hair leading the group. Her name is Gabi."

"Cute. Not even five and already a leader."

"Six, actually."

"So close."

"Not in her eyes."

"No, you’re right. Never in the eyes of the child is ‘close’ good enough when it comes to their age and how they wish to be treated." Reiner lifts an eyebrow. "Rin has to say their exact age down to the day and expects everyone else to do the same. But they also desire to be given the same respect as a child twice their age." You pause, eyes wandering the outlines of him. "Househusband?"

"No, our tale is a bit more tragic. She was my brother's child, but our family is... Our family is gone." His voice is ice numb, with the passage of time scabbing over those wounds. Yet he hears you suck in broken air at the revelation.

"I'm sorry to ask."

"I'm not. She changed my life for the better, even if it came with heartache."

"You don't look like a philosopher, Reiner Braun, but you talk like one."

"Oh, do I?"

"Just a bit." You offer him a small smile and it is a sunbeam through the rain.

The conversation is molasses, honey-sweet and slow, an amber spyglass that sharpens and colors in the lines you both have drawn around yourselves. He learns about what you call a sedentary life of living and working from home, broken up with family events and vacations. But it is a life you love, even in solitude. The way your eyes glow with each spilled word has his heart skipping like the children you both watch in between shy glances made of the spun sugar of new yearning.

You learn about Reiner's struggle with being thrust into his guardianship soon after his return home from war. His struggle to find a job that would allow him to be there for Gabi. The path that eventually led him to be a building inspector. He can feel the words rise from places within him that are both featherlight yet suck at his soul like tar. This time, his glance is rewarded with your eyes locked on his, your lip caught in your teeth.

"I know I should say thank you for your service, but your eyes look so haunted." There is compassion written in your eyes that says more than a thousand speeches about the honor he should feel from being a soldier, about doing his country proud. It's overwhelming, so he looks away, afraid to break at this lightest touch of tenderness.

Far too soon, the sky begins its slow turn to dusk. Far too soon, it is just Gabi and Rin running around. Far too soon, you both are the only ones left, yet there is no move to leave. It is comfortable, sitting together as the children run. As if it is a comfortable silence built by months and years of understanding and not just moments and hours.  

"It's getting late, but I don't want to say goodbye." Your voice is whisper soft.

"Then don't. You’re both welcome to come over for dinner." His boldness is a surprise, even as he waits with bated breath for your answer. The words begin to slip from your smiling lips.

A discordant, jarring noise fills the air, making you both jump in fright before turning to nervous laughter. You hold up your phone, wincing as you see the name across the screen — a reminder of something previously forgotten.

"Hey, sis."

"What do you mean, ‘Hey, sis’? Where is Rin? I've been texting you for the past ten minutes and haven't heard anything back. Are you guys okay?" Pulling the phone away from your ear as the person on the other end shouts, Reiner grimaces in sympathy.

"Yeah, sorry, Rin is fine. We’ve been having lots of fun at the park. They made a friend."

The voice on the other end goes soft after your apology, so much so that he can't hear it. Not that he should have been listening to your conversation. He turns to face the children, watching them laugh as they go down a slide, tangled together. The blinding brilliance of childhood friendships made in innocence.

"Sorry, Rin was supposed to be home by now. Raincheck?" You offer a small smile in apology.

"Of course." He recites to you his phone number before turning to the children. "Gabi! Rin! Time!" His voice is loud enough to carry but not a shout, never a yell in anger. The two children pop up like weasels before scrambling over.

Rin holds on to Gabi's hand and won't let go. Gabi, too, has a determined look about her that he has seen for so long yet it still affects him, filling him with pride over how fierce she is.

"No. I want to keep playing with Rin. Can they sleep over?" Her voice is the high-pitched whistle of a fire in the clouds. Until you get down to their level, a serenity about you like the sea.

"I promise, you and Rin can play again really soon. Rin is moving here next month. But I'll try and get Rin down here again before then, okay?"

"Okay," She grumbles, the two dropping their interlocked hands. Rin wrapping their arms about your neck, head tucked against your shoulder.

Cooing to the child, you give Reiner one final smile before leaving.

"I'll text you later, Reiner." How you say his name has him weak-kneed. He wants to hear it again, bottle the sound and use it to fuel this newfound addiction. So lost in his name written in your voice, he stands rock still as you walk away.

"Dad?" Gabi tugs at him, her small hand hardly wrapping around his first couple of fingers.

Shaking off the spell of your voice he turns to her, kneeling himself. "Yeah, sweetie?"

"What's for dinner?"

"How about breakfast?" he asks, grunting softly as he picks her up with one arm, the other grabbing the backpack.

"Can I have waffles with whipped cream?"

"Sure, if you ask nicely."

"Please, Dad!" she squeals in delight.  

"I'll get it ready. Why don't you go take a bath and get in your PJs?" Setting her down to open up the back gate, he holds it open for her before locking it once he is through.

"Okay!" Hardly remembering to take off her boots and coat, she is running up the stairs, unable to contain her energy and excitement. Reiner smiles at this blessing he has been given. A tree growing again after a fire, healing from its damage.

Reiner has learned the relaxation his mother taught him was in cooking, in feeding those you love with creations of your hands. He remembers her soft songs in a language he cast off. He hums them now, the words long lost to the decay of time. Soon the smell of waffles and eggs fills the small kitchen. Behind him, on the chair where he left his coat, his phone dings loudly once, twice. Work probably, some contractor asking him for the punch list. So he ignores it in favor of not burning their dinner.

Gabi babbles her thanks in between half-chewed bites of whipped cream mixed with syrup dribbling down her chin. Reiner tries to remind her to chew her food, which she apologizes for as more slips down her face, causing him to sigh. When she is satisfied, he sits her on the kitchen counter with gentle hands and cleans her face. How these hands have changed, but still, a scar across his palm catches at the soft skin. These hands are still marked with cracked skin, knuckles with fresh blood that slides down the back of them. He prays she never sees the ache of the bleeding wounds.

Gabi uses the last bit of her energy, squirming under the wet cloth before collapsing against his chest. In the soft silence of their home, he avoids the one stair that creaks before helping her brush her teeth and braid her hair to sleep. Her eyes have gone glassy, hands grabbing around his neck, soft breath against him. She is a gift he never would have deemed himself worthy to have. Already asleep, he tucks her in bed before kissing her forehead. Satisfied with checking that the window is locked, he turns the combination night light music player on before he leaves.

This new life is made of cotton, a cushion against the harsh turning of the times. Looking at the small mess in the kitchen, Reiner remembers his phone going off and puts off the latter in favor of just checking. Surprised delight works a smile up to his face as he sees a new number flash across his screen.

Rin's home safe. Wouldn't stop talking about Gabi and how much they love her. Had to admit, I thought her father was pretty neat. Is the dinner invitation still available if it’s just me?

Of course! Oh, I just looked at the time. Sorry for the late reply. If you want to come over, you’re welcome, but I don't want to disrupt your evening.

You're fine. I figured you were taking care of Gabi. How is she?

Sleeping like a log after playing with Rin. Thank you for letting me know you both are safe. I have to admit, I think you're pretty neat, too.

I'm glad we agree. I can be there in a couple of minutes. I'm back home now.

I'll have a plate of waffles ready for you.

Reiner sets down the phone before looking to make sure that it's only a messy kitchen he has to worry about. Satisfied that it looks decent, he finds no toys left on the floor like landmines. In the small kitchen, he sets up a plate. There is excitement trembling in his hands at the thought of seeing you again in the near dark. What sides will he see from this new angle? 

But there is worry weighing on his shoulders, wondering how will you see him? The darkness is a theater screen that plays out the harshest memories of our past. Will the shadows that line his face be too much? Will you see the cracked skin and turn away, squeamish at the sight of blood? His thoughts are quicksand and cold rain, draining even as his breath speeds up. 

He has already been given a new direction and blessing in his life with Gabi. Is there the possibility of the hope that he might be blessed with love? Someone who will hold his hand as he continues to bandage the cracks and seal them together? His chest heaves at the strain of racing thoughts, even as he is still blocking out the world lost in the mire. The crack of a stone on wood startles him.

The soldier he has restrained for years rises within, ready to fight to protect the life that sleeps peacefully above. He is quick to rush outside, only to hear giggling. Confusion twists around his head like a halo, the soldier retreating to the corner of his soul where he forces them to find peace. He finds you smiling, another small rock in your hand which is quickly dropped. With a look of false innocence fighting against an overwhelming smile, he can feel his own smile forming in response.

"I wonder who could be throwing rocks at this hour?" He looks around ready to see how far you will take this act.

"Must be a delinquent punk or a ghost."  

"Well then, my chivalry demands I let you in, at the very least, to keep you safe."

Your hand coming up to pat against his chest has his head spinning, the lingering heat blooming and unfurling like vines, pulling his cracked edges back together. He hardly remembers the plate he had fixed for you. He cracks open two sour orange beers that he hopes pair well with the sickly sweet of the whipped cream and syrup. He sips at his can while you eat, your content moan at the food nearly setting him on fire. The dark clouds of his earlier thoughts change to different desires.

Those thoughts stay and linger after you set down your plate, thanking him. They rage when you move closer to him. The purse of your lips as you sip at the beer. How your eyes linger on his face before turning back to the sky. The stars that once looked so cold now point out the lights in the dark. Those lights dance across your skin, and he knows you are another light in the dark, calling to him — a blessing he feels unworthy to touch as you pull his arm around your shoulders, leaning into the warmth of his chest. He keeps his vision trained on you, drinking in your soft light. He pulls you closer, until you’re squished against him.

It’s a picture and a movie he will treasure in his heart, the soft exhale of your breath across his chest causing shockwaves. He thinks about leaning down and kissing the crest of your hair. Tensing to ask if he can, the first drops of rain hit. It’s a deluge in a moment, soaking you both as he lifts you into his arms to carry you to the warm safety of the living room.

"Wait, Reiner!" Your laughing hand against his face pulls his attention to your eyes. "Let's dance — please." Your voice is a whispering beg, and he would fall on his knees to hear that sound again.

Reiner is careful in how he sets you down, steadying hands against your waist. Your own hands wrap over his to guide them. The cold rain is nothing against the heat in his chest as he twirls you in the downpour. If happiness were a sound, it would be your laugh and sigh. The gasp you make when he picks you up and dips you back is a benediction. Your hands travel the path of his shoulder and waist to cup his face, pulling him again to your rainwater-soft lips, warm breath against his before the movement is sealed. 

When you pull back to breathe, he catches your lower lip in his teeth, finding he finally can breathe. Your arms loop around his neck as you pull in closer to him. His arms lower to your thighs, pulling you up. He starts walking into the condo. Soon, your back is against the wall, legs wrapped around his waist. His heart is beating hard when he finally pulls back, pressing his forehead against yours and pressing a soft kiss to it.

"If this is too fast, tell me to stop." His voice is shaking with desire.

"But we both need to get out of these wet clothes." You nip at his lip, pulling him back into a kiss that quickly turns deep, his tongue scraping across teeth, the taste of beer and waffles lingering in your mouth.

Laughter bubbles soft in pressed-together chests. Soaked shirts and pants abandoned on the floor. Warm kisses press against cold exposed skin. He moves to your neck, placing kisses there. When you tug on his hair, he growls softly before nipping at the skin and moving back to your lips. Again, he is carrying something precious in his arms as he climbs the stairs. Again, he steps over the one that creaks, walks down the other side of the hall until he is pressing you against his bed. 

Heat crackles, electricity flowing like circuits finally connecting at last. Soft thighs rub against his own. Nails scrape down his chest and back until he is keening. The heavy weight between his legs presses against yielding hips. The last of the soaked clothing is stripped away, cast off into the darkness. Moonlight plays across your skin, making him swear you have been sent from the stars to guide him home.

"Dad!" 

He pulls away quickly, a groan leaving you both. He places a soft kiss on your stomach before trying to find some sweatpants, calling back that he will be there in a second. Looking back, you are smirking, swaddled in the thick duvet, finger pressed against your lips even as your eyes travel the length of him. Padding out and closing the door behind him, Reiner shakes his head at this sweet, tormenting twist of fate.

"Gabi?"

"Down here!" He turns, going down to the living room.

"What is it, sweetie?"

"I was thirsty, so I was getting some water. I came down and saw the clothes on the floor." He can just make out the confusion across her face.

“Oh, I was outside and got caught in the rain, so I took them off as soon as I came in." His body flushes with embarrassment.

"Okay, but why are there two pants on the floor? Are you having a sleepover?"  

"You know, I think it's time you go back to bed. Did you get your water?" His voice is cracking, mind spinning, eyes widening with horror as his breath speeds up.

"You are having a sleepover! Can I come join?"

"Gabi! No!" He is too quick, too loud, fear making him desperate.

"Why not?" She is pouting.

"Because." He pauses. "They’re already asleep and I don't want to wake them up."

"Oh, okay. Wait, why do you get to have a sleepover and I don't?"

"Come on, back to bed with you. I'll explain in the morning." He hopes for once she will be too tired and leave it alone.

"Fine." The sigh of relief cascades through his whole body.

Gabi, with a glass of water in her hand, trudges back up the stairs, little legs making her step on the creaking one. He really should fix it. Reiner grabs the clothes and goes back to his room, caught between shock and hysterical laughter, wondering if you heard all that transpired. He hopes to find you laughing. To press against you again, happiness wrapping around you both. To lose himself in your embrace. Instead, he finds you have pilfered one of his shirts and are curled up in his bed, asleep. Not having the heart to wake you, he goes to hang the clothes up in the attached bathroom’s shower so they can dry. Coming back, he leans down to kiss the space behind your ear, enjoying the mewl you let out from the contact.

"Hey, do you want to bed to yourself?"

"No — cuddles." Your arms are already grabbing for him. "Maybe I'll wake back up so we can continue."

"Don’t worry about that. Let yourself sleep. I'll still be here tomorrow,” he mummers against sleep-warm skin as he tucks you two together, bodies nestled together like puzzle pieces. Already, you are drifting back to sleep, face pressed against his chest, arms and legs tangling with his. A sob claws its way around his chest. Questions of why he was blessed and saved with first Gabi and now your brilliance in his life. How you feel like a permanent fixture, even within only hours.

He can feel sleep tugging at him, but still, his thoughts slip out. "Is it strange that I can already see us as a family?"

"No — not if I say yes." The words press themselves deeper into his skin, until they sink to his heart, a new bandage forming over the cracks.

His breath catches before he pulls you closer, lips pressing kisses into your hair.

That night, when he dreams, he doesn't see a mother's tears. But he remembers. When he came home with some groceries he had gotten for doing some work for a neighbor, and how his mother patted his head and told him he would be an amazing husband and father one day.

Reiner notices the next morning that his skin is healing, scars becoming thick with scales like armor. His role as father fits him far better than before, his hand having found yours.

#meet cute collab #attack on titan #aot #aot reiner #aot x you #snk x reader #snk reiner #snk #reiner x reader #reiner braun #reiner fluff #attack on titan reiner #shingeki no kyojin

[seeminglydark]

So I've posted my story before, lots of times, but the art is old and back then I didnt realize I should probably have some trigger warnings and all that. So I'm gonna tell it again. Cuz maybe it, like the comic i recently posted, can spare you a moment of the trauma I experienced while finding myself. So if you're interested in my Asexuality journey, you can read under the cut. I don't go into detail on any of the triggers in the story, its all alluded, but just in case, stay safe. Triggers for assault, bullying, self esteem issues, ED, isolation and emotional abuse. But mine, like Johnnys, has a happy ending.

So I guess I don’t really have a timeline. I’ve probably been Ace my entire life without even knowing it cuz how could i have even known what it was at 15 in the mid 90's. It wasnt something anyone talked about. In school I never dated and I got teased all the time for being super skeeved out by any kinda sex discussion. All this coupled with being incredibly awkward and over six foot afab made for a lovely high school experience. Anyway at some point I met this dude and he was nice, made me feel pretty and all that. I married him shortly afterward, quickly, because i thought that was what I was supposed to do. I thought getting married would change my feelings on sexual experience. I didn’t realize it at the time but he was emotionally manipulating me to believe he was the only person who would ever love and find me attractive, he isolated me from my friends and family. Throughout our relationship I always found excuses to avoid sex, even after we were married. I stopped eating and lost way too much weight, i worked endless hours so he could stay at home and play video games, anything to 'make up for' not being able to perform my marital 'duties.' I’m not going to drag anyone through the mud here, but lets just say things escalated fairly quickly in an ugly way and I had to exit the relationship and move to another state. I thought what happened to me was my fault, because I couldn’t perform the way i thought a spouse should.  At this point I didn’t understand asexuality was a thing. I thought there was something wrong with me, and I tried to force having sexual relationships. I was told by everyone that no one would ever love me if I couldn’t figure out how to perform the simplest sexual activities. This went one for several years, through another tried and failed marriage (I will emphasize this man was not abusive, and a quite lovely person, but i never told him how i felt about these things, and so he never even had the chance to try and work with me.) I wanted to badly to be in what I thought was a normal relationship, it never occurred to me this wasn’t my fault. it never occurred to me sex doesnt have to be the basis for relationships. No one told me. I went to sex therapists trying to fix my issues but no matter what i did I still hated the idea of sexual contact in anyway.

At some point I met my current partner, about 15 years ago. I told him the truth, despite still not having a word for it, and to my surprise he's always been ok with me the way I am. It’s insane, and my relationship with him is what made me start to realize what Asexuality is and that I’m NOT broken, that love and sex arent the same thing (that being said ofc there are people whos love language is physical touch, mine is not.)

I’ll end this with one of the last conversations I had with my dad before he died. I remembered telling him one night that I was Ace because he found me crying in the kitchen. Even all these years later, in a healthy relationship, i still experience trauma about it. I explained everything that led to that decision, a strange moment because we normally didnt share like this, but as i said, he was nearing death and sometimes you want a parent to hear and understand your words. I remember he looked at me across the table with tears in his eyes. He said ‘I wish you would have told me this when you were a a young adult. I wish you would have explained how you felt then. I would have told you everything was ok, and that you were ok and not broken. I wish I could have spared you all that pain you experienced finding yourself.’

So now I look to you and I say what he wished he could have told me.

You’re ok.

You’re not broken.

You’re not alone.

We exist.

#personal #authors notes

[intimidatingpuffinstudios]

Oh, now I see what all the fuss was about! Yep, definitely beautiful angst and longing of two people, who want and cannot be together, because are too proud, stubborn and afraid to throw away everything they believe in - everything they are! - to be together.

But for me personally there is so far only one, but huge and pulsating neon 'Stop!' sign in Manerkol's route.

I get it that he is an ancient being with a Mission. Mission which greatly contraverses with what the MC's group is doing. And they are for him no more than mere nuisances. But disdain is one of the only things that I cannot stand.

I'm ok with grey morals (or no morals at all). If I can see and understand the other's point of view (if he'll let me in and explain it, goddammit!) I can even drastically change my loyalties. I can see some allure in fighting at your lover's side together against the whole world. But it is one thing when you are fighting together as equals, and other - when your soulmate is conquering the world and burning it down, and you're locked in his castle like some kind of an exotic pet or a trophy spouse, visited once in a while and treasured, but too shallow to be even considered as a full fledged partner.

I see Manerkol and MC's relationship as one which assume a great amount of work from both parties. To hear and understand each other. So, will the scenario where they both will have to sacrifice something to make their relationship work ever possible? Or will Manerkol always force the MC to lose everything for him and overpower them and then always see them as someone inferior and lower than himself?

(Sorry for a huge question!)

~*~

Hi, it's me again! Hope I didn't bore you yet. Sorry for ass huge asks. I tried to summarize everything I feel about Manerkol's route, and have some concerns. I can’t imagine even a relatively happy ending in this pairing. As for now it looks like either you give up and become Manerkol’s pet, and he loves you in his own way, but do not respect you in the least; or you try not to lose yourself, you fight against each other, and he starts to see you as a person, someone to be reckoned with, but your love is doomed. I can’t see Manerkol as someone to meet in between with the MC and make compromises. Maybe, I’m wrong, and his character will be revealed more in next books, though. Is it too spoilerish for you to confirm or confute my concerns?

~*~

Hey, there! I’m gonna answer both your asks at once if that’s okay since they’re both more or less over the same thing, yeah?

I can unfortunately not give out too much info about how Manerkol’s romance will go 😅 That’s something that you as readers will get to find out for yourselves.

I will say, however, that I never intended Manerkol to be a fairytale romance with a unicorn happy ending. I do not portray it as healthy cuz the power dynamics are all skewed.

Can you prove to him that you’re an equal and that you deserve to stand by his side? Possibly! Does that mean you’ll get an ending where nothing has to be sacrificed to be together? I wouldn’t count on it.

Manerkol’s romance is about what you’re willing to do to be together, what you’re willing to live with. Supposing he sees you as an equal, Manerkol will make his own consessions, and he’ll try. But there are limits, right? Love is not a magic fix-all.

I will say, however, that once the soulbond snaps into place, Manerkol does not treat the MC with disdain in the slightest. What he’s trying to do is keep them safe in this brutal world. Always.

If this is not your cup of tea, that’s totally fine! All romances are optional, after all XD And there’s always Morkai ehehehehehe😈

Cheers!

#the soul stone war #tssw #the soul stone war 2 #tssw 2 #Manerkol #tamedtyrant

[bewitchingivy]

Hello! How are you doing? Can I participate in your future spouse likes and dislikes game? My initials are SL and my favorite emoji is 🌌. I am not a tarot reader so I will tell facts about your future spouse using my intuition. I will try my best ><

Facts about your FS ⭐️

Fair-minded and cares a lot about gender equality and LGBT community.

Mature and will treat you as his little sister whether he is older or younger than you.

He rarely laughs but when he laughs, his laugh is contagious.

He may narrows his eyes a lot intentionally just to tease you and you will be very intrigued by him but still this is so cute omg ><

I saw him with some kind of mustache and he looks a bit like an Indian or Spanish.

He has black hair and a lil bit short fingers.

He may work at an office or some political affairs or a lawyer. (I’m sensing this but idk why tho)

He likes to wear a watch a lot and he doesn’t like it when people don’t respect the time.

He may say “wait wait let me tell you” a lot to figure out what’s happening.

At first, you may not love him though your parents will like him a lot but gradually, you will admire him and will feel drawn towards him.

You may meet him through accidents, can be fated.

Thank you in advance and hope you are safe and healthy! ❤️

your fs' likes & dislikes game

Welcome, fam! Thank you for participating <3

This is what I got about your FS' likes & dislikes:

Their likes:

Woah, I asked spirit what their likes & dislikes are and I instantly got that they like being alone, this person is an introvert asf LOL it's more like they enjoy their own company, doing the things that they love without anyone else to disturb them.

They love the color white? I don't know but this tells me that this person might be a somewhat of a clean freak, someone who doesn't fcking want a tiny spot and everything should be sparkly spotless HAHA

They really love going on long walks—again, alone. I'm seeing someone who enjoys walking in the woods, not caring if they get lost or something.

This person desires to be a leader in everything that they do. They really enjoy dominating. They might also have control issues.

They may like to travel. They could be a foreigner too, someone who's not from your country and they traveled to yours.

This person has learned to never take anything for granted, therefore they love to make the most out of everything.

This person likes old or vintage things; whatever you can think of; music, literature, fashion, etc. Particularly in the western classical era.

Because they love traveling, they also like exploring different kinds of foods from different cultures. They may be an open-minded individual.

I don't know about you, but this person likes to gatekeep even their interests, HAHAH. relatable-

I just heard that this person is a romantic, they may be a little bit of a hopeless romantics. And reading novels in the romance genre are one of their guilty pleasures.

Their dislikes:

They don't like being bossed around or told what to do, omg that really matches with the desire to be domineering or whatever.

I just heard they don't like cooking, not just cooking but working in the kitchen LOL They may be a foodie but cooking is like hell for them, they may suck at it, tbh.

They don't like it when someone is being nosy about their business. I just heard, “back off, it's none of your business.”

This person doesn't like being judged by others. It pisses them off whenever someone would.

This person doesn't like gossips.

They don't like “fake” people. They could sense it from the start, they may be somehow intuitive.

This person doesn't like it when people around them aren't doing the same efforts as they do.

They don't like giving second chances to people who once hurted or betrayed them.

They can't stand it when some others are hurting another person. This makes them protective of their loved ones.

This person despises narcissistic people.

Hope that resonates! Take care of yourself and stay beautiful 🖤

My feedback: waaahh, thank you sm for such a detailed reading <3 this was so cute to ready, you did good 😭 🖤I'm happy to hear that they care for the lgbtq+ community <3 I even got some readings saying they might be bi or pan 👀 Thank you very much for your time and energy! 🖤

#ivy's games

[ineffablefool]

Hi!

Love your work and your page and just you on general.

I'm having some inner turmoily feelings lately.

I am fat, I know this isnt a bad thing and that I'm not a bad person for this.

I also know it Is not unattractive nor am i unattractive for it.

I argue with fatphobes, educate on fatphobia, spread body positivity as much as possible.

I need to lose *some* weight. I am starting to have pain in my feet, knees, I have trouble bending and kneeling for my job. I get extremely hot and humid in the summer heats and it gets miserable.

I want to/need to lose *some* weight.

But it makes me feel like by doing so I'll be eating any of the good words/things I've spread about body positivity and weight.

My spouse is wanting us to do a weight loss shake/regime again that we did it previously (and it worked until we stopped using it).

It would work great but it feeds into the diet industry stuff I hate.

I just feel so mixed up about all of it and I know you're safe.

Hope you're doing well darling.

First of all, here are some hearts. 💜💜💜💜

Second of all... thank you for trusting me to be safe. It makes sense to me that you feel mixed up about this, because you have competing messages/priorities coming from different sides. There isn't any perfect answer, I don't think, because this universe has a number of design flaws. But I can throw another perspective in and see whether that can provide a little clarity.  (While doing my best to keep being safe, because that’s more of a constant action than an achieved quality.)

I honestly take a lot of the fat-positive stuff I say on here from Ragen Chastain's blog -- I don't read it regularly anymore because at some point I stopped almost all my regular readings at once, but I checked just now and she's still blogging. It can be a hard read sometimes, because it'll tell you about instances of public fatphobia that you had previously been blissfully unaware of, but it's also crammed full o'resources. And there are topics which she comes back to repeatedly, because it's become relevant again or there's new information or just because it's been a while and there will be new people who haven't seen it yet; and one of those repeats is the question of whether any given health concern or bodily discomfort needs to be solved with weight loss.

When thin people have painful joints, they can seek physical therapy. The secret is that PT works for fat people, too. Thin people might have difficulty standing or walking for too long, and need to exercise to increase muscle or physical endurance -- and that works for fat people, too. Thin people can find ways to increase their flexibility through things like yoga, and... ...well. There is a pattern here.

A weight-first health paradigm, only for fat people, can convince us that all those other tools just... don't exist. Alternately, maybe they're just not for us, not until we can turn ourselves from fat people to thin people... except something like a half-century of science says there is no reliable safe way to make that thing happen. (Also, they had damn well better be for us too, because I don't think I need to explain how disgusting it is to withhold entire classes of medical intervention from one statistically-speaking-immutable demographic group but give it freely to a contrasting demographic.)

Which doesn't mean I'm telling you that physical therapy or yoga or a gentle program of endurance-increasing activities will solve all your problems. I want to make sure they're in your toolkit, though. Maybe someone took out all your hammers and replaced them with screwdrivers. Well, here's some hammers back. Can you just decide to use a screwdriver anyway? Sure you can. Whatever's the right tool for the job.

(Tbh I don't know what to do about the heat. I am a baby about heat. If it's more than about 70 degrees I start complaining.)

As for the shake regime... it doesn’t surprise me that it worked while you were on it.  Replace enough actual nutritious food with whatever-the-hell those are made of, and you can probably do all sorts of exciting things to your body.  But like you said, it works until you stop using it, and once you go back to actual food (y’know, what's generally considered best when it's local, farm-to-table, fresh, minimally processed, all the stuff that’s apparently just great for thin people but we fat people need to consume nothing but diet shakes and super-processed prepackaged dinners because Health)... well, then it stops working.

There’s also the drum I just keep on beatin’, which is that sustained significant weight loss, statistically speaking, is not possible.  There are many, many scientific studies whose data shows that you are just as likely (sometimes more likely, depending on the study) to end up fatter than when you started.  So if the goal is “weigh less”, then, again statistically speaking, intentional weight loss attempts will not result in success.  (Don’t go by the study’s conclusion, go by the results.  It’d take me forever to find it, but there was a study where the data-driven results section backed up exactly what I’m saying, but in the unsourced conclusion section, they still wrote that they recommend attempted intentional weight loss.  Science(TM)!)

If your spouse is the type to be swayed by an appeal to logic, then you could do worse than to start here.  It’s a plain-language summation of various research, including two specific studies referenced at the bottom.  One of those studies is a huge synthesis of, if I am counting correctly, over three hundred different papers (the other is also a synthesis but I didn’t count references there).  Just to steal half of one paragraph from the synthesis study,

At the individual level, many weight loss studies demonstrate short-term success at reducing weight. However, critics argue that such studies generally suffer from a range of methodological problems including small sample sizes, underrepresentation of men, limited generalizability, a lack of blinded ascertainment of the outcome, a lack of data on adherence to assigned diets, and a large loss to follow-up (Simons-Morton, Obarzanek, & Cutler, 2006). Furthermore, critics argue that most weight loss trials do not have long-term follow-up, and so the results over the subsequent 2 to 5 years, when weight gain is most likely to occur, are largely unreported (Robison & Carrier, 2004). Where these results have been reported, weight loss programs have a long-term (2 to 5 years) failure rate of up to 95% (Gaesser, 2000; Mann et al., 2007). Weight loss is not only almost impossible for most people to maintain, but attempted weight loss strongly predicts weight gain (Lowe et al., 2006; Neumark-Sztainer, Wall, Story, & Standish, 2012; Pankevich, Teegarden, Hedin, Jensen, & Bale, 2010; Pietilainen, Saarni, Kaprio, & Rissanen, 2012; Stice, Presnell, Shaw, & Rohde, 2005). Between one third and two thirds of people who lose a substantial amount of weight on a dietary-based weight loss program will regain all the lost weight and more within 5 years (Mann et al., 2007)

The two of you can absolutely try this regime again, or another one.  It might be that this time, you are among the lucky few for whom it works -- because yes, in rare cases, intentional weight loss attempts do work.  They mostly don’t, though.  And you can search in the studies linked from that page I linked earlier for “weight cycling” to see just how healthy it is to keep trying in the hopes that this time, this time, you’ll be the lucky one.

Golly that was long.  I also don’t know how useful it was, wonderful anon, but I do know that I wish you a very good rest of your week.

#ineffablefool reply #Anonymous #weight loss mention #fatphobia tw #long post #not good omens

[zekejeagrs]

hi rita! may I pls request an AoT male matchup? :)

I'm an ISFP, Raveclaw, ♏ girl (she/her) who loves to sing! I'd be the type to sing to my s/o, maybe sing them to sleep or something hehe~ I'm quiet, polite, and appreciative, but also very stubborn & short-tempered (tho I forgive just as quickly). I'm a loner since my shyness and awkwardness often get the best of me, but I like my time alone anyway :') I'm actually very friendly though, and love being silly around family (whom are very important to me!) I'm a bit on the sensitive side, I don't like showing it though. I'd prefer a family-oriented, understanding, and patient s/o! Can you also possibly write about my matchup as a spouse? I love domestic stuff :D

Thank you so much! Please take all the time you need! Stay safe and healthy~ (*´˘`*)♡

— AOT MATCHUP

i hope you enjoy <3 !major spoilers for s2-s4!

i match you with...

Bertholdt Hoover!

you and bertholdt started off as acquaintances in the 104th. he would notice that you’re often by yourself and not talking to people so he would offer a seat next to him in class or in the dinning hall (mainly because reiner would keep bugging him since he noticed how much bert stares at you). bertholdt, being the shy and reserved person he is, would be a bit quiet once you started sitting next to him. reiner would have to be the one starting the conversation and your friendly nature would continue it. bertholdt would be relived since he wants to get to know you but didn’t know what to say.

after spending more time with you, bertholdt would get to know a lot more about you and how much your family means to you. he’d understand why they matter so much to you because he joined the warrior program for his father to be able to get the proper care he needs. once bertholdt gathered the courage to ask you to be his girlfriend he would gain some confidence. he wouldn’t be as shy but he’d still be very respectful. you would probably have to take the lead most of the time. bertholdt is the type of boyfriend to give you tiny gifts like flowers he found and thought you’d like or maybe some hand written notes about how pretty you look. bert would also love cuddling up together under a tree and hear you sing to him. it would help calm him down and he just loves your voice. if you guys fall asleep, you’d most definitely wake up to him in a weird position, like two arms around you and the rest of his body is tangled in the sheets lmao. i feel like you’d invite him to meet your family and he would just be so amazed to see how much you open up when you’re with them. and he’d love your family so much but he’d be so nervous about making sure he makes a good impression .

in a different universe where things are different, you two would end up married and maybe move somewhere close to your family so you’d be comfortable knowing your family is close. bertholdt would do anything to make you happy and would cherish your relationship so much.

bertholdt as your spouse

| bertholdt would be a nervous wreck trying to ask your family for your hand in marriage. he could know your family for ten years and he’d still be nervous. he just loves you so much and understands how important your family is that he’d need their approval to spend the rest of his life with you.

| once you two get married, you’d move in near your family so you two can have your independence but not be too far from home.

| berty would be the sweetest husband, he’d try to do all of the housework so you don’t have to. of course, you don’t let him since relationships should be 50/50 but he’d still insist.

| whenever you get angry at something, he would try to calm you down. he’d be like “ahh! okay no need to be angry!! please don’t get mad at me too!”

| if you two ever choose to be have kids, he would also be the sweetest dad. he’d love his kid(s) so much and would have a whole family album he made himself. in a modern au, he’d record your singing and play it when you’re not there and the kid(s) need to sleep.

| if you’re off at work and he has time off i feel like he’d just pop by your family’s house and chill with them?? like he’d gossip with your mom or grandma lmao.

| ahhh bertholdt would just be so gentle and kind and tall and a great husband.

your runner up: marco bodt

i hope you enjoyed! i had so much fun with the headcanons. <3 @ne-nene-ne

#snk matchup #snk #aot matchup #aot hcs #bertholdt x reader #bertholdt hoover #aot bertholdt #bertholdt headcanons