#I've been on tumblr less lately because this place just isn't that good for my mental health

[lollixp0p]

The Video (18+)

Pairing: Best friend!Hwang Hyunjin x afab!reader

Genre: Smut (MDNI), bit of feelings

Word count: just under 3k!

Warnings: Idol!au, subby!Hyunjin, slightly perv!reader, recording, (maybe a bit dub con because he doesn't mean to send it but reader watches it anyway), mommy kink, masturbation (both but separately), Hyunjin fantasizes about reader, reader fantasizes about Hyunjin, lmk if I missed anything!!

Summary: Hyunjin finally gets some alone time after weeks of hard work and decides to use his time to... relax. The next day he ends up sending you something on accident that sets off a big change in your lives, with or without either of you really realising.

Note: My first ever fic!! :3 Inspired by a video I saw on phub. (@cbini (Ems isn't on Tumblr rn she still wanted to be tagged so I hope it's ok), @comet-falls, @hyunsvngs, @mnwrld and @skz-hell lmao hello everyone, writing blog reveal!!😁 here's this fic I've mention to all of you as an anon<3 (depending on who you are I'm either ❄️anon, 🐾anon or sounding anon😳)). To anyone reading this please give me literally any feedback (comment, reblog, anything!), I want to know if this is good or not since it's my first fic🙏😣

Please do not under any circumstance copy, translate, or repost my works!

It's been exactly three weeks since Hyunjin's had any time for just himself, though it feels like months at this point.

Recently everyone's been running around like headless chickens and between vocal trainings, dance practices and the studio, there hasn't been much time to just relax and recharge. Preparing for a new album really is the busiest time of an idols life.

There hasn't even been time to see family or friends, which is common during busy spells like this, but always dissapointing to think about. Now even more so, with how much he's been wishing to spend time with you, one of his closest friends... who also happens to be his crush. Not that he'd ever let you know though, not in a very long time.

It feels almost like a blessing, getting back to the dorms from practice late in the evening and realising... he's got the place all for himself, at least until his roommates get back from the studio.

Changbin had messaged him earlier, telling him that they'd probably be there well past midnight, so there was no use waiting up for them. To him though, this was the very opposite of an issue. With that much free time, he'd definitely be able to... make himself comfortable, so to speak.

See, not having time to relax also means he'd basically had no time to get off. The best he'd been able to do had been quick little sessions barely once a week in the shower right before passing out on his bed from the exhaustion of working hard.

The realisation that he'd be able to do anything he wants during his time alone is enough to get his dick twitching in his jeans and he decides the shower can wait until later.

Hyunjin goes to his room and locks the door after himself even though he's alone, it's just become a habit after so many years living with his members. He sets his bag down next to his bed and thinks through his plan.

Hyunjin has a little secret, which is that he loves recording himself do dirty things that range from more vanilla to much less vanilla. Something about the thrill of being recorded even if no one will ever see it just... makes him so fucking horny.

He opens the camera of his phone, puts it to video mode and presses record. Moving his hand off the lense and setting it down where he normally sets it, on the carefully placed pile of books on his desk, he sits down on his bed.

"Hmm... I hope the angle's good... It's been so long since I've had time for this", Hyunjin sighs with a pout and brushes his hair out of his eyes. He knows the camera won't see it though because he's made sure the stand, his pile of books, is at a level that cuts off his head perfectly.

Hyunjins hands run down his body slowly and he exhales deeply, just loud enough to get picked up by his phone. Once they reach his jeans he unbuttons them, unzips the zipper, then pulls the jeans down just enough to expose his underwear. Hyunjin pulls his shirt up over his stomach to be held in place under his chin, rubs his hand over his bulge and hums.

It's been so long since the last time he's been able to take his time making himself feel good. It's almost embarrassing how quickly he's getting hard.

He takes his dick out his boxers and then spits on the palm of his right hand. It's dirty and wet but it just turns him on even more. He grabs his dick with the hand and slowly moves his fist up and down, to spread the saliva and precum all over his dick to make the slide easier and wetter but to also get himself to full hardness.

"A-ah, ohh... that's so good... Feels-fuck, feels so good", Hyunjin sighs. It really won't take him too long to cum, he just knows it. He's been pent up for far too long.

He tries to think of something to help his issue and immediately thinks of you, no matter how embarrassed or dirty it makes him feel.

When you first started showing up in the dirtiest corners of his mind he felt so ashamed. Now it doesn't matter to him anymore. You'll never find out so why feel bad?

He continues to move his hand on his dick while thinking of you. The last time the two of you had time to hang out together you'd worn the lowest cut shirt he'd ever seen on you. He had tried so hard to act normal around you but whenever you bent down he'd been able to see into your shirt.

"Haah, fuck..." , he squeezes himself a little harder at the memory. Everytime you moved he could see your bra poking out from the top, black and lacy. The entire time he'd been doing his best to not bust in his pants. Oh, what he'd give to be able to see your tits. They always looked so soft and they'd probably fit perfectly into his palms.

Whenever the both of you would hang out at yours, watching movies and just hanging out, you never bothered to wear a bra. Why would you? It is your house where you want to be as comfortable as possible.

The feeling of laying down on your couch watching a movie with you on top of him, in just a t-shirt, will end up driving him mad one day. Everytime he'd felt your nipples poking into him he'd almost moaned out loud.

"Hngh... Oh my god, please... m-mommy!", he lets out pathetically, moving his fist faster. God he just wants you to use him, to do anything you want to him. The thought makes him whine desperately.

One of the most common fantasies for him is you on top of him using him to get off, not caring about if he's close or not. You'd sit on his face and ride it until you cum. He could probably cum untouched like that. All he'd need was tasting you and seeing you cum, just for him.

All the sudden he remembers the phone recording him and he shudders. He imagines what your reaction would be to seeing him like this. Would you be disgusted or delighted? Would you tell him what to do and how to touch himself? Maybe you'd touch him... He hopes you would.

"Mommy... please touch me, aah- oh!", he runs his thumb over the head of his cock just right and his thighs twitch but he keeps them open, in perfect view to the camera.

Throwing his head back he imagines you riding him. You'd be so tight and wet around him. Maybe you'd tie his hands behind his back so he wouldn't be able to touch you... he'd really like that. You'd feel godly around him, Hyunjin thinks.

"Fuck, oh fuck! Mommy I'm-haah, I'm so close, please!", his dick twitches desperately. You're so gorgeous, to him you're the sexiest person he's ever seen. He feels himself getting so close that tears spring to his eyes.

"Ah- 'm gonna... mommy, gonna cum...!", he whines out long and loud. It takes Hyunjin two more strokes to let go and he cums the hardest he's cum in weeks. He doesn't even register whispering your name. Hyunjin leans back on his left hand and keeps stroking himself through it.

The feeling is overwhelming, so much so that his thighs start twitching pathetically and the tears in the corners of his eyes fall. He's getting incredibly overstimulated but he keeps going, wanting to keep enjoying the feeling, just a bit more.

He squeezes himself one last time and suddenly everything on him feels gross and dirty. He's just had the best orgasm in weeks so it's no surprise that he came a lot, everywhere. He even managed to get some on his chin.

"Fuuck... Did you-haah... did you enjoy that?", he chuckles to the phone. It takes a while for him to come down from the high, the twitchiness and the feeling of euphoria lingering in his body. Once he's capable of standing up again he stops the video.

With his body feeling like jelly, he takes off all his clothes, drops them into his hamper and prepares to shower, at last.

Hyunjin wakes up to his alarm the next day feeling more refreshed than he's felt in weeks. He shuts off the still ringing alarm and quickly gets up from his bed to get dressed and go eat breakfast.

Checking the calendar on his phone to make sure he knows his schedule for today, he makes a note of one thing; he'd have a lot of time alone at the dorms today too, since he's only got a dance practice and a recording session today, which obviously means 3racha will stay behind to stress about their songs while Hyunjin can return early. Maybe this time he should continue the latest piece of art he's been working on after he gets back?

Hyunjin gets through the day well enough.

After eating breakfast he messages you a "Good morning pretty <3 please remember to drink water!" like every morning when he has time for it. He gets to the practice room only five minutes late, which is a record this early in the morning, because usually he ends up sleeping in at least ten minutes (which makes Chan scold him for being such a heavy sleeper).

He does well at practice, even though he ends up a little exhausted. That's nothing new though, with how hard they always work to be the best they can be.

The rest of the members leave to take a break but Hyunjin decides to stay behind to film the solo choreography he's been working on for fun. Once he's happy with how it's turned out, it's time for him to go record his lines.

The recording session goes smoothly, without hundreds of retakes and everyone's satisfied with the result. Afterwards they decide to order some take-out, as a reward for a job well done... and also because they're all feeling too lazy to even think about going to the dorms to cook.

While eating Hyunjin finally realises to check his phone again. "Good morning, take care of yourself too!! :)" is your response to what he sent earlier. It's nothing more than a kind response but it makes him grin to himself like the fool in love he is.

"Yaaah!! Hyunjinnieee, what's making you smile so beautifully?", Changbin leans towards him with his signature flirting-with-Hyunjin grin, mouth half full of rice.

"It's nothing," Hyunjin responds back to him cheeks red, "and don't talk with your mouth full hyung... Do you not have any respect?"

Changbin decides to drop it in favor of eating more delicious food.

"Oh come on... we wanna know!!", Han pouts at him from his seat on the couch in the room. Hyunjin shoves another mouthful of food in his mouth to avoid the embarrassement of explaining how a single text messaged from you manages to make his heart beat out of his chest.

Once Hyunjin's done eating he's free to go back to the dorms and just like he suspected the rest of his dormmates stay behind to work some more, although they all whine at him to stay to explain the previous mystery. He declines and they all keep their sad puppydog eyes on him until he's out the door.

He keeps texting you during his ride, all the way to the dorms. Once he's in his room Hyunjin decides to just change into some clean clothes. He's too excited to talk to you and get to painting, he can wash up later.

He lays in his bed to keep texting you and at some point your conversation changes from how your day's been going to talking about dancing and he mentions how he just today filmed a new choreography bit he's made for fun.

❣️:

Can I see what you've been working on? :)

I'm sure it's really good, you always are!!

Jinnie:

Well... since you asked so nicely😉

[video sent]

Quickly sending the video Hyunjin exits out the messaging app, feeling so giddy he can't help but squirm around on his bed. He still can't believe someone like you could be interested in seeing him dance.

It might seem like a small thing for most but he feels himself turning red just thinking about the way you look at him while he talks about something so important to him. It makes the butterflies in his stomach every time you're near go crazy. It's so attentive, like you actually care and are interested in his interests... and maybe even...?

'No' , he thinks to himself. There's probably no way you could ever actually be interested in him, not in the same way he's interested in you at least.

He leaves his phone charging and finally gets out of bed to go to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. He'd need it if he wanted to stay up late to work on his newest art piece.

Hearing the familiar 'ping' notification of receiving a message makes you open your phone again and just like you thought, Hyunjin had sent you the video of his latest masterpiece of a choreography. Not waiting a second you press the video just to see.... Hyunjin take his hand off the camera and set the phone down on the desk in his room he draws on. He sits down on the edge of his bed and says something, you aren't really sure what, because the volume's too low. In confusion you turn it up more.

Hyunjin sighs and reaches up to move his hair out his face, probably. You can't see it though, because the camera cuts his face perfectly off frame. Suddenly his hands run down his body to the button on his jeans. He opens it and starts undoing the zipper next. You just look at the video in shock. 'He isn't about to... to take them off is he?', you think to yourself, just as he pulls the jeans down enough to expose his white boxers and then palms his bulge.

Should you stop watching? Keep watching? How long has it even been playing? How long does it keep playing? While you wonder this you almost miss Hyunjin pull his hard dick out of his underwear and spit on his palm and... Oh God...

You've now done something you can never take back. The downright sinful view of his cock is something you don't think you're ever going to be able to forget. How do you even face him after this? After watching him grasp his dick in his hand and pump it a couple of times to spread the spit and precum around.

You exit the video, panting and absolutely soaking through your underwear. Your other hand rushes to your face to feel your cheeks. They're burning and feel like you've been standing out in the sun for hours, when in reality all you've done is accidentally watch your best friend play with himself.

You struggle to decide what to do with the video and in the end save the video without much thinking, then delete the message of it and decide to notify him of his mistake. As long as he doesn't know you saved it, it should be fine, right?

It takes Hyunjin less than 10 minutes to make and get the coffee. He returns to his room humming the tune of a song he's had on repeat recently. Setting the coffee down on the desk and taking his phone off from the charger he notices new messages from you.

❣️:

Uhm...😕

Hyunjin, I don't think you meant to send that.

He looks at his screen confused. What did you mean by that? He...

Oh God.

Did he send the wrong video?

Frantically opening the video he sent earlier he sees himself, in video, move his hand off the phone camera and set it down the desk near his bed and sit down. Oh no...

"Hmm... I hope the angle's good... It's been so long since I've had time for this", video Hyunjin sighs and reaches up to move his hair from his eyes. His head may be out of frame but he clearly remembers pouting while saying this. He watches himself slowly unbutton and unzip his pants, adjusting them so that his boxers are clearly visible in frame. In the video his hand drifts towards his crotch slowly, teasingly.

He quickly exits the video and promptly shoves his head under his pillow and yells. He'd accidentally sent the wrong video while hurrying to get a cup of coffee. How could he have messed up this bad? In his panic, it takes him a moment to respond.

Jinnie:

Oh god

I'm so sorry!!

Please don't watch that!

❣️:

Don't worry!!!

I stopped watching the moment you started unzipping your pants😖

I saw nothing, promise!🙏 It's been deleted already!! 

Little does he know though, you'd kept the video. You're not really sure why, but subconciously your brain keeps screaming' to finish it later, of course'.

...

Fuck it, you don't think you can wait until later.

Taking a deep breath, you open your gallery to find the video he sent you. You hesitate for a second but press play anyway. You can feel how you're already soaking through your underwear but pay no mind to it yet.

You watch him do the things you've seen already, all the way until he spits in his hand... and you pause the video. 'Is it right to watch this? I mean, he didn't mean to even send it...', you think to yourself.

But the thought of seeing him touch himself, to hear him make the sweetest noises you could ever in your wildest dreams imagine him making drives you on.

Pressing play again you dip your fingers into your pants. You rub yourself over your underwear and oh my god... you can't believe the wetness you feel after less than a minute of watching the video. You focus on the phone you're holding in your other hand and finally move your fingers into your underwear to directly touch your pussy.

On your screen you see Hyunjin start to stroke himself faster, the head of his dick a dark pink, you can feel his desperation through the screen. Without thinking you move your fingers to your clit and start rubbing it in circles, aided by the wetness of your leaking pussy.

He moans out loud and even though you can't hear it through the fog in your head, you know he's desperate. You move your fingers down to your hole and dip two of them in. You're so wet you barely need to even stretch yourself out and then he does it.

"Hngh... Oh my god, please... m-mommy!"

You push your fingers deeper and your pussy lets out he lewdest squelch which in turn makes you close your eyes desperately in pleasure. 'Mommy? When he masturbates he calls out for mommy??', the thought makes you lose your mind. You think about what it would be like if he called you mommy in the throes of pleasure.

You want to make him follow every command you give him. The way he'd look up at you on his knees with you standing above him. Maybe you could make him suck on a strap? He'd look so ridiculously delicious with his mouth full, drool dripping down his cheeks.

You add another finger and start rubbing at your clit with your thumb at the same time. The feeling makes you whimper and imagine his hands on you, teaching him how to touch you perfectly. You're getting so close and you remember to focus your screen again.

Hyunjin looks absolutely disheveled. His dick is red and throbbing, you can tell he's getting close. His voice is another thing that gives him away. He's whiny and his voice keeps cracking every time he opens his mouth. Hyunjin bucks into his hand and moans.

"... mommy, gonna cum...!", he strokes himself twice more and then finally cums. You're so close it's maddening. All the sudden you hear him... whisper your name?

It makes you go off the edge and your entire body clenches and seizes while you silently cry out from all the pleasure you're feeling. Your walls suck in your fingers with how you're clenching around them. On the screen Hyunjin twitches violently, working himself through the end of his orgasm.

You pull your fingers out of yourself and slump down on your bed exhausted, but the last 20 seconds of the video that's now over haunts you. Did you hear him right?

You gather strength to pick up your phone again and rewind the video to the part where he cums and turn the volume almost all the way up. Admittedly you end up fixating on the way his dick looks and face twists in pleasure when he cums and then he says, or more like whisper your name. Your brain blanks.

"Fuuck... Did you-haah... did you enjoy that?", he chuckles to the phone, sits in place for a bit to properly come down and then gets up to stop the video.

You're wet, confused and you can feel your heart beat out of your chest. What do you do now? How can you ever face him normally after that... Does he feel the same way you do? Is he sure he didn't mean to send it?

It's all too much to think about, so you decide that instead of thinking about it you'll clean yourself up and... crawl into a hole where no one will ever find you. Probably. The only thing you know for sure is you definitely won't be sleeping tonight.

© lollixp0p 2024 | please do not under any circumstance copy, translate, or repost my works

#cupid♡writing #sub!idol #stray kids x reader #stray kids smut #skz x reader #skz smut #hwang hyunjin x reader #hwang hyunjin smut #hyunjin x reader #hyunjin smut #dividers by cafekitsune

[farfromstrange]

Lizzi’s Valentine’s Special & Follower Celebration

Dear Everyone,

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and I thought, since this silly little blog hit over 1.1k followers yesterday, I want to give you something special.

First of all, though, I want to thank you. I’ve been on here since (and I checked with the archive) July 19, 2022. I can't believe that it has been almost two years. I started watching Daredevil after watching Spider-Man: No Way Home in December of 2021 and hearing Matt Murdock say, "I'm a really good lawyer," after catching a brick. So, I started watching the show, and that was during a time I was really miserable. Mentally and physically, I wasn't in a good place, but after watching Daredevil for the first time and falling in love with Charlie Cox as a genuine person and an actor, it felt like I found a reason to keep going.

I started writing fanfiction again, which I kind of neglected because I felt like this hobby of mine wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't inspired at all until I watched the show. If I hadn't, I probably would not have gotten back into writing and using it as an outlet for my feelings, and I probably wouldn't be where I am today. Thanks to Charlie's portrayal of Matt Murdock, and watching his interviews, I felt like I could do the things that I love again and follow my dreams. He's the reason I chose to major in English. And while I owe him that much, I owe you guys here on Tumblr and AO3 even more.

When I first posted here, I didn't think people would even be interested in what I had to say and write. But then more and more people started visiting my profile, you guys started following me, and it kept me motivated to keep writing, even when I'm miserable, and I sometimes only post once every blue moon.

I feel so honored that you guys chose to follow a silly little blog run by a silly little 20-something-year-old whose first language isn't even English (but made it her entire personality), and who chose to write about traumatized dark-haired characters portrayed by Charlie Cox. I'm overwhelmed by the love you continue to show me, and every time one of you chooses to reblog or comment on one of my works, saying that it resonated with you, I feel like I'm doing something right. I'm sharing my ideas, my own experiences, my wishes, and even my deepest, darkest dreams through my writing like it's a fucking diary, and you eat it up every single time.

I'm just so glad that this community exists, as chaotic as it sometimes is, and that you chose to stick around, even when I suck at keeping promises sometimes. You keep teaching me new things about who I am, my writing, and how important it is to put myself first. I don't know if you've heard it lately, but you guys are incredible and I appreciate the hell out of every single one of you.

Thanks to Tumblr, I made lifelong friends (especially looking at you, @blackshadowswriter) and found like-minded people that made me feel less alone. That alone was worth making this account and continuing to post on here.

You may think that I'm being dramatic, but for someone who has never really experienced the kind of validation this community gives me, I want to celebrate this milestone. It means more to me than I can even put into words. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I love you all so much! Please, don't ever forget how amazing you are.

That being said, I've got some exciting things planned.

The other day, I found a folder in my Docs titled "the vault". I completely forgot about it because I usually keep my WIPs in a different folder. As it turns out, I made that folder for fics that I originally never planned to post, or ones that I'd finished but wasn't happy with. It’s many, but it’s a few. Some are deeper than others. I also jotted down rough ideas and outlines last year that I stuffed in there, some of which I've actually shared with you but never started working on. Until now. And the contents of that vault are what I want to give to you now.

INTRODUCING: The Vault

6 stories from the vault. 1 bonus fic. 7 days.

I went through a myriad of emotions while I wrote these. For some, I actually bled my soul onto paper. For others, it was merely a brain fart that led to their existence. They're sad, horny, and at times angry, but some of those were originally written for me, and only me. Those that weren't started as a few sentences in a folder before I forgot they existed. Either way, I don't want them to catch dust. And I wouldn't want to share them with anyone else.

Starting February 14th, I will be posting one fic every day until February 20th. My “The Vault” works are Matt Murdock x Reader works, but I've made an exception for the bonus fic. I won't tell you what they are about, but I will give you a list of installments and what kind of fic they are so you know what to be excited about (and maybe which ones are not your cup of tea).

-> The number at the end tells you the date I will be posting it on, but I put it in chronological order as well.

INSTALLMENTS:

1. If You Need To Be Mean (angst, hurt/comfort) 14.

2. Mismatched Bridesmaid (fluff, smut) 15.

3. Weed Cookies (humor, fluff, cw: accidental drug use) 16.

4. the grudge (songfic, angst, hurt/comfort, cw: death of a parent) 17.

5. Halloween (Smut) 18.

6. I Want To Fuck A Priest (Smut, cw: priest!Matt) 19.

BONUS:

7. Now That We Don’t Talk (Part 2 of Is It Over Now?) -> Frank Castle x Reader (smut, angst) 20.

A few more words: You are free to send me an ask if you want to know more, but be prepared that I won't be answering in much detail. I don't want to spoil the fun. I would, however, not mind talking about them as vaguely as possible (if you’re interested).

Thank you all. For everything. And I hope you stick around to read these little gems.

With love from yours truly,

Lizzi <3

#lizzi writes #follower celebration #valentine’s day #matt murdock x reader #matt murdock #daredevil #matt murdock x f!reader #matt murdock x you #frank castle x reader #matt murdock smut #matt murdock fluff #matt murdock angst #charlie cox

[ask-the-bone-boys]

ATBB's Future

Hiiii y'all, its uh. been a minute huh

Now that it's been a bit over a year since I put this blog on hiatus, a loootta stuff has happened and changed and i've been doing a loootttta thinking!

Looking back on it, like really really looking, my biggest reason for the hiatus was that at some point the blog just kinda became more of a chore than something I wanted to work on for fun. Ask blogs are a lot of work, even when you're just using talking portraits rather than drawing out every individual answer, and with how much ask culture on tumblr has died out over the years there just wasn't really enough payoff to make it feel worthwhile to keep burning myself out.

I think it's a really good thing I stopped it when I did, because having to deal with all that in my senior year of high school would have been a nightmare. I've actually just finished up my first semester of college now, and there's no way in hell I would've been able to keep up at any rate! With all of this in mind, I've gained a newer perspective about how to approach things going forward.

I'm still really attached to this story. With how much time I've spent thinking about it and developing it in my head, I can't let it go, even if the blog isn't really working out anymore. I keep thinking of different ways I could fix the decisions I made early on, as well as the super cool directions I could take it in in the future, and I just. I GOTTA.

So, I've decided to reboot it entirely as a fic series!

This means that, unfortunately, there won't be nearly as much artwork to accompany it, but it's far more likely for the story to actually progress! Writing is way less draining for me and once I get going I can do it much quicker than art anyway, even though I do still sorta wish I had the spoons to just turn it into a full-blown webcomic instead haha

This DOES mean that updates won't be nearly as linear as they were here, seeing as right now I've mostly been working on backstory fics that took place before the blog's main story, but that can at least give you guys more context for how the characters interact with each other! I'll also state that while I do write faster than I draw, I still do it a hell of a lot less, so updates will still probably be pretty infrequent. But at least they'll happen at all, right?

As for the state of this blog itself, obviously I'm going to leave it up! I still love looking back on the old interactions you guys had with my characters and your reactions to certain plot points (your reactions to Fluff tagging along with the rest of the group were my favorite by far) and I think it would actually kill me to erase them. I'll be posting the fic updates here too, just like I did for Self Hatred!

And even if it's not going to be an ask blog anymore, because of how much I still miss that kind of interaction with you guys, I think I want to do a sort of "last hurrah" event, to finally send off the asking format with some good vibes.

You see, there's a character I made up around this time of year two years ago. He's a pretty cool guy, but he doesn't actually show up until a specific turning point later in the story. I've been excited for you guys to talk to him since the day I made him, but a little bummed lately that you may not ever get the chance. I still need to get a lot of stuff prepared, so I'm not quite ready to announce or start anything just yet, but there's a reason I waited until my winter break to start thinking about this seriously.

I think you guys would really like to meet him.

But anyway, that's about all I wanted to say for now! This is a very long post already so it's time I start wrapping it up. As always, thank you all so much for sticking with me, even though I really haven't been consistent through the years. I hope this change doesn't come as too much of a disappointment, and that you'll keep sticking around for the reboot!

#LONG ass post sorry guys but i wanted to cover all my bases 😌 #ooc #actually i think im gonna add the bone boys tag too just to make things less confusing for any chrono readers #bone boys #i might post some sneak peeks of my current wips a bit later just to prove i AM actually working on it lol #woulda put it here but its wayyyyyyyy too long n i didn't wanna add a cut 😔 #i hope you guys can get excited about the send off event tho... it probably wont last longer than a month but i think itll be rlly cool :>

[olderthannetfic]

/728571347409731584

Firstly, the person you're replying to only describe in-person experiences. Secondly, I've been to two universities in the US as a result of getting a scholarship midway through. At one, I was discouraged from attending the queer club on campus by the head of it, as I wasn't queer, I wasn't "really" aroace, I was just "a late bloomer". She informed me that everyone wants romance and sex sometimes. Aro and ace people want it less, she explained, to my face, standing ten feet from me, but they still want it.

No, it's not "only in online spaces". Queer people who use the queer segments of the internet do not only exist in darkened cellars they never emerge from. Teenagers and young adults go to college. It isn't 1998 anymore, pretending the internet and the physical world have zero overlap and what you read online cannot impact or shape your views is ridiculous.

You know how I know this? At my incredibly liberal university, where I live in a gender-inclusive nearly all queer dorm, not only have I heard two separate conversations at floor events about this where it was repeated by other queer students, including ace people, that ace people have sex and ace people do romance, with NO utterance of the word "sometimes", but today? Today, guys, gals and enbies, this Friday, this very fucking Shabbat, I heard it from a professor.

My Social Stratification professor said that asexuality is "a usually treatable condition" and "doesn't mean someone doesn't have sex, just that they have a low sex drive" and when I said some people don't have sex, she said "therapy can help" and topped it off with, "and of course they still masturbate frequently, so they're really not as different as people like to stereotype them as".

I don't. I don't masturbate, it's not fun for me. I don't long to fuck fictional characters or real people. I don't need therapy. I'm not traumatized. I don't have sex. I don't want romance. I don't find reading about it compelling most of the time, either. I don't need therapy for that, because you go to therapy for things that are negatively impacting my life, and actually?

I am aroace in the "wrong" way, a zero-sex, zero-romance, zero-masturbating person, and I'm happy. I like who I am. I like how I am. I have a good life at my dream university, with good friends, a nice room, roommates I like, a mostly walkable part of town, and I'm working on my dream degree to reach my dream career. I'm not huddled in the corner in the fetal position sobbing about the sex I secretly want or on my bed furiously masturbating to anything. I am not lying about my identity, my experiences, my thoughts or my feelings.

This professor is young, roughly 30. That means it's feasible she's been using tumblr for years, as it was popular during her teenage years, or she has been in the company of people who, via tumblr, Instagram, Amino, etc., have this idea of asexuality. And does that idea stay locked inside a computer somewhere? No, because the person who reads them doesn't. The people who read, internalize as truth and believe shitty online takes also exist in the real world. They have physical bodies they take to physical places and they open their mouth and say things, which are then passed onto other people who exist in the offline world.

"The only thing that [they] are seeing is internet wank" NO! The only thing you are seeing is internet wank, but there is not a mass conspiracy of college students across the USA to lie and say we're experiencing things we aren't, which would be the only explanation for so, so many ace people I know online talking in private on Discord servers, tumblr, in YouTube comments and in person having this same shared experience.

I genuinely don't know how people think no one could possibly have the same bad take offline that they do online. Q-Anon exists. January 6th happened. People get radicalized into beliefs much more absurd than this and act on those beliefs constantly and "no you just need to touch grass" is what you arrived at as a conclusion instead of "sometimes people are wrong"?

Though I say this with love, I mean it when I say that you don't just need to touch grass, you need to hug a whole hay bale.

--

[random-thought-depository]

I got "Tumblr is a hook-up app" to work for me! Yesterday I saw a post written by a trans woman saying she wanted to find male partners she could trust to see her as a woman but who might enjoy calling her a boy as a kind of sexual play, I offhandedly made a reply saying that I think I might be able to give her what she wants, the OP replied to me suggesting I approach her the next time I was in her area, apparently I might be able to give her something she finds really hot but doesn't get very often. That was not something I was expecting, but was a very pleasant surprise! A few rounds of DMing later and me and her have arranged a meeting for casual sex in June, when she already had plans to visit the approximate area I live in.

I asked her if it was OK if I posted about this and she said yes.

I was worried she might be put off when I disclosed that I'm a virgin, but it turned out she's OK with that. So, assuming all goes well, I've basically got an appointment to lose my virginity in three months! OMG SQUEE!

She's post-vaginoplasty/SRS. :dazzled heart-eyes:

If you're a pre-op/non-op trans woman reading this I don't mean to insult your body type, I just have a preference for partners with vulvas/vaginas (preference as in "all else being equal I am pretty sure I'd enjoy sex with a person with this feature more," it isn't a requirement for me to be attracted to somebody) and am happy that a person who wants to have sex with me has a body type congruent with this preference.

I wrote here that one of the biggest things I don't have and would like is an erotic life that sometimes involves having sex with one or more other people, lately to try to fix that I have resolved to try to be less timid about expressing sexual and romantic interest, and it looks like that's starting to pay off!

I spent yesterday evening in a better mood than I can remember being in in years. I've been wondering if I have depression or something but what I experienced yesterday made me wonder if my melancholy is mostly or entirely just shit life syndrome.

Tonight I will have a chicken katsu take-out meal for dinner, because it's the closest thing I can conveniently get to katsudon and the association of katsudon with victory is pleasing in this context.

Anyway, I generally had a really good day yesterday. When I was at the polling place to vote I ended up having a nice conversation with a college student who was ahead of me in the line. It started with me noticing her playing with a stim toy, asking if I could try it a little, and saying I'd never seen an autism symptom list I didn't see myself in, and we ended up comparing experiences of neurodivergence.

It would have been better if the election results were better, in particular I'm unsurprised but disappointed that Barbara Lee didn't get more votes, I had the good fortune to get to vote for her and she deserved to win IMO.

#about me #TMI warning #maybe autistic

[dream-meltic]

Hi, hello, I've been meaning to use my Tumblr account for like AGES but so far haven't. So I'm letting it be a space where I can just talk about Bedman (and Delilah)'s lore, development etc and have it as a resource for myself and others to refer back to. I'm just very autistic about him and express my love through analysis, okay

The thing with Bedman is that because his lore can seem a little all over the place or is hidden behind JP-only content, there's a lot of misconceptions about him floating around! I'm going to make two posts on the major misconceptions I see everywhere (one about Romeo himself, the other about the bed) and will talk about other aspects of his lore later.

So let's talk about a dreaded subject of mine: Bedman's age, and the really bad evidence people use when talking about it. It's going to be a long post under here just so I'm completely clear, so buckle up, and take a nice reminder that you can headcanon what you like and to just send an ask over if you want further clarification, evidence etc! (But please read all of it before you do just in case I answer your question during it)

Let's begin with the most obvious thing. Is his age confirmed? Do we have a number? No. Despite very common claims he is specifically either 14 or 16, neither of these numbers have ever come up officially in relation to Bedman's age. If you see someone saying this, chances are they heard it from someone else, and didn't really question where they got that information. The large majority of Guilty Gear characters are not given an actual age. Plenty of them still don't have a birthday, you know….

The main problem and misconception comes with the next part where people believe he is canonically, or canonically implied to be, a minor. Usually based on other character's dialogue. I'm all for headcanon, but when you begin insisting that it's canonical and start being rude to others over it I do have to draw a line there, so let me explain why the evidence used for him being either of those things is actually not good enough:

1. Chipp/Answer dialogue

In Xrd SIGN's story mode, Chipp and Bedman have a brief fight and during it, he calls Answer to try and figure out who he is and gives him a brief description of what he looks like. Here's a full quote of what he says to him:

"Looks human, or at least humanoid, but he's strapped to a person-shaped bed. Looks to be in the mid-to-late teens--the kid, not the bed. Caucasian, short purple hair, glasses. He's sleeping, but the bed's walking around. Too dark to tell eye color. He's wearing what appears to be a hospital gown... Getting anything?"

Later, when Answer becomes playable in Rev2, he repeats some of his exact same words from the Japanese version of this dialogue when selecting Bedman with him as your system voice.

These two are usually used very first when asked to provide evidence of him supposedly being a minor canonically, but people seem to miss out entire words of what both of them say: rather than saying Bedman is mid-to-late teens, they're saying he looks like he is mid-to-late teens. Chipp is describing his physical appearance to Answer- not his biological data.

When you consider another official line about Bedman, that there is "no official documents that can prove he exists", sorry to say that someone who just met him three minutes ago won't have a complete dead-on accurate guess of his age. Chipp isn't telling us Bedman's age range (which in the case of his dialogue specifically, would mean he is 15-19, which counts as an adult regardless), he's saying what he thinks Bedman looks like.

Answer is just repeating Chipp's dialogue. In other words, he's doing the exact same thing.

And just saying, as an adult, I get mistaken for a teenager all the time. It's very, very common especially with short adults.

2. Other character's dialogue- such as calling him "child" and "kid"

I have to make this a separate section because it's used less than Chipp and Answer's dialogue, but this is the other thing I see the most. Throughout the story mode you'll find Bedman is frequently referred to as a child or a kid. So I ask you to go back up to the previous section and ask yourself: how would any of these people actually know?

I'm going to use May here to prove a point. In Xrd alone, there are several cases of her being referred to with words like "little girl", "child", "kid", etc. However, Xrd May is at bare minimum in her 20s. This is also the case for her official profiles, where she's referred to with similar terms to Bedman.

If you didn't know May was an adult, congratulations on discovering the main joke with her. TL;DR: By Xrd, May is 20+. In the English dub, she even says "22", but because that's not present in Japanese we can't say that's her exact age. All we know is, by that point, she was in her 20s. So why does everyone still call her a little girl? Why do people still treat her like a child, Bedman included? The same reason they do it to Bedman: they are assuming based on her appearance.

In other words, why on earth are you taking Slayer's word as gospel of all people when he didn't even know he existed until he was beating his ass?

3. Bedman's height/weight

This one particularly infuriates me as an adult who does get mistaken for a kid for these things, but I'll let that anger slide to explain why you can't use this as evidence.

For starters… well, May, once again. I won't repeat my previous talking points, but you genuinely can't use Bedman's stature as proof when May, who is just the tiniest bit taller and heavier than him, is right there. Like, no actually, why are you using his height as proof??

Next, he and Delilah have the exact same height and weight. But they're not twins. In fact, they can't even be close in age, for a reason I'll go in depth on later just to keep this section about the evidence itself. Bedman is her older brother- Delilah being 12 at that height and weight, and then Bedman being somewhere in his teens at that exact height and weight is… um, impossible. Instead, we get an interesting confirmation from Faust about the reason for Bedman being as tiny as he is. Unlike other characters, Faust can be trusted on this information because he's an actual medical professional who may as well have seen this kind of situation before. He also isn't saying his age is one thing or the other, just talking about his appearance.

"They say children who sleep well grow up healthy, but that doesn't mean children who don't sleep aren't healthy. Hm... what is it that makes you look like - ah, your brain."

Japanese dialogue:

"寝る子は育つといいますが寝ない子が育たない訳ではないですよ? 貴方のスタイルの必然性は･･･そうか、脳ですね?"

The Japanese dialogue makes this a lot more obvious, but Faust is asking why he looks like a child. And the reason is his coma.

…In other words, he and Delilah can't grow. Their bodies are frozen as is to stop them from dying. Without constant care, they'd both die in their coma without it. Now that Delilah's awake, it's possible we'll see some growth from her, but Bedman was stuck like that for who knows how long.

So yes, you can't use how he looks as evidence.

And thank god, that's about all the major points used. You can see why they're so shaky as evidence, can't you? All are based entirely on assumptions, which were based on appearance, being treated as confirmations. But they're not, they're just looks into how other characters view him- not how we, the viewer, should.

But let me argue for the other end of it here, that Bedman is implied to be an adult instead, just to prove a point about how bad the evidence is in comparison to the other side's.

Let me go back to what I mentioned previously- that he and Delilah can't be close in age. For this, the main answer is in Xrd Revelator's story mode, and more specifically his long talk with Axl Low. I truly believe it is extremely important for understanding Bedman and Delilah, so if you haven't yet, I highly recommend watching it!

From Bedman's dialogue both there and elsewhere, we learn the following about Delilah:

- She is far deeper in her dream world than he is, and her senses are "blocked off" so to speak from the outside world.

- She doesn't know her own mother.

- She only people that have even been capable of speaking to Delilah are Bedman and Ariels. However, Ariels has not known either of them all their life.

- She was born like this.

Why are all these important, you ask? Think for a moment, think about all those factors together.

Now, riddle me this:

Who raised Delilah, then?

Bedman had his mother, we know this. But if Delilah couldn't even feel anything happening to her in the outside world, how would their mother have raised her? How does Delilah know how to talk, read, anything at all? When you put how she refers to Baiken in with all this, the answer is kind of clear: Bedman was the one who raised her. Despite Baiken acting like a traditional parent, Delilah gives her the nickname of "big sis". Because these behaviors, to her, are a sibling thing. Delilah never met her mother to be able to know what a mother would act like. Who she does know is her big sibling.

Which means, in order for Bedman to be 13-17, he would need to have been 1-5 years old while that happened. I don't think you need me to tell you that for a non-gear, even a hyper intelligent one, that's just not happening. Especially considering that he is also inside of his dream and has seemingly only one person on the outside to raise and provide for him. When your brain is literally still in the earliest stages of development, you're not going to suddenly become a genius at age 3 and be capable of raising a baby on your own. You'd see that kind of insufferable intelligence come out more around age 7.

If you didn't catch the difference between that piece of evidence and the previous ones, here it is: the evidence used for him being a minor is based solely on dialogue from characters who have no way of knowing his age, and assumptions based on appearance. The evidence used here is based on Bedman and Delilah's own dialogue, two people that WOULD know this information, and some very basic literature analysis skills you'll learn when you're like 14.

When you're talking about character lore without a definitive answer written down somewhere, the priority must be put on their own dialogue and the dialogue of people who, canonically, would have access to the information you want. So unfortunately, Chipp saying he looks like a teenager has no weight compared to a major implication that he raised Delilah from the bedsiblings' dialogue. Thaat's how analysis works

So wow that was long! I just really wanted to make sure I was understood but in case anyone still has any questions, needs me to clarify something or provide more evidence of something, anything like that: just send an ask over. They should be open and anon should be on too so don't be scared, no judgment to be found here. My only hope is that I didn't sound like I was rambling nonsense…….

#long post #bedman #guilty gear #ill probably make tags to organise my blog when i actually post more #next post will be about the bedframe in strive so Stay Tuned

[just-a-mod]

I played Soul Void : Redux.

starting this off with : this is a good review and a happy thing

i am putting it under a read more for spoiler purposes uwu

about 5 or more years ago, i first played Soul Void. i found it on tumblr, and thought 'wow, that looks interesting' and showed it to my at the time GF

we both sat down and played it, me watching her at first, before deciding i wanted to play it along side her and go through the experience

getting into this game, immediately i began to see parts of myself in it. struggles i've had, words i've heard from others and from myself. i looked at the characters around me and felt them resonate with me and i felt.

feelings. sorrow, grief. the want to help, compassion and the hopeful feeling of 'don't give up, it will get better!'

i wanted to help them, and in turn by the end of the game, wanted to help myself

that was 5 years ago

i haven't played since, and not for a lack of not wanting to, just not feeling i needed to. i still remembered The Seeker, i remembered how The Leech and The Waiting were. i remembered how it felt, and i continued on.

then i began to forget, but still, i didn't go back. 'not yet', 'i don't need it yet'. it felt like

lately, it's felt like i did. a refresher, a chance to...process? a chance to acknowledge 'hey, these are struggles. these are feelings, but they can be helped. they can get better.

then i saw Redux was coming out. 3-4 months or so ago, i saw the update was set to release July 26, and i waited.

i'd forget for a few weeks, remember, check the date, and then go back to the day to day, only to repeat the pattern a few more times.

yesterday, i remembered. yesterday, i checked the date.

yesterday after D&D, i threw myself into playing again. and it was everything i remembered it to be.

it feels, oddly enough, like a medicine. a kind of salve that stings and soothes at the same time. my mental health isn't (and hasn't been of late) the greatest. victories in some places, loses in others. but progress, i believe, all the same.

going into Soul Void, i get to see all of these people doing their best. encouraging each other, the player and myself to do our best.

seeing The Waiting, The Husk, The Seeker. The Leech. all of them

new faces too, people i hadn't spoken to before! people i had yet to befriend! places i hadn't' seen!

i stepped into the game and hearing new music, reading new dialogue, having a chance to laugh and feel pain and sympathy and 'oh girl, SAME' energy.

getting a chance to stare evenly at the Grim, to find them less scary and more funny this time around.

getting to help The Seeker.

getting to HUG The Seeker.

getting the necklace. having it in the real world. the message behind it.

(ngl i'd pay some amount of money for that necklace as merch, by the way, if not try to juts make it myself. just tell me how it looks and by golly i will figure out some kind of way)

but i sat, and i loved, and i teared up and cried. i felt an ache in my chest that was soothed the further i went in

i listened to my own words being so automatically offered

'you'll be okay'

it'll be alright'

'this will pass'

'you'll get better'

offered to pixels on a screen that held a reflective piece of something i can see inside of myself, and it reminds me to share those with myself.

Soul Void is a game that sits in a special place in my heart. along side shows like Inuyasha and games like Undertale. it is a game that changed my life in an important time, in an important way.

for years to come, i will revisit it. for years to come, i will remember how every one looks at the end of the game, when you've helped them all. when you've helped yourself.

i will be drawing art of Hugging Seeker.

(also i wish we could hug more people, like The Waiting and The Leech. im not upset we cant, i just also wish we could.)

((also also does any one else have such an emotional attachment to The Waiting because i stg i kinda wish we could just sit with him, as the veins stop pulsing? so he's just not...alone..? but idk that's me))

@kadabura from the bottom of my heart and soul, thank you for making this game. Thank you for updating it.

thank you for all the work you've put into it, and for making it a free to play game.

thank you for sharing it with the world, as this game is one of the most beautiful and cherished experiences i've had in my 30 some odd years of life.

thank you for making such a beautiful story and journey that can allow people like me to see kindness for ourselves

i was originally going to send an ask, but tumblr just does not have enough space in one ask for me to express my love for this game.

Thank you so much. i hope your days are filled with the joy and strength to keep getting new ones, and that your nights are filled with dreams of laughter and music

for any one who may be reading this and NOT know what this beautiful game is

and the beautiful soul who made it

Thank you @kadabura

Be safe and Be at peace <3

#justatext #justapost #soul void #soul void redux #kadabura #my two cents #this is a long thing and i am normally too shy to do this #but this feels important to me so im doing it #hopefully it doesmt come off weird haha;; #it also bares mentioning this game helped one of my daughters as well #she use to feel that she could only make bad things or do bad things #but this game showed her that horror and darkness can be beautiful too #that it can be kind and healing and helpful #she does alot of things relative to stardew valley now but with horror and im so proud of her #this game is important to me and my loved ones and i will continue to sing its praises until this mortal coil expires #also im serious aabout the necklace though i love that so much??? #like fr if that becomes merch i will drop some amount of money for it #or at the very least if a design is released i will try to make one #i might try to make one any way given it has a description #i cant wear metal but by golly i will get leather thread > : ) ive done it before #im being al ittle silly but its becaues i just really love the ending okay #my discord icon is literally the leech and the waiting rn no joke

[telomeke]

TAG 9 PEOPLE YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW BETTER

Got tagged by the ever effervescent @waitmyturtles (on this post linked here). Thanks dearie! 💖

THREE SHIPS 🔹 It wasn't intentional but mine are the same as @waitmyturtles–

Pat and Pran

Kurosawa and Adachi

Togawa and Nozue.

FIRST SHIP 🔹 The legendary MaxTul.

LAST SONG 🔹 I can't just put one down here; my taste is eclectic and random, and just the last song will paint the wrong picture.

A selection paints a fuller picture (but it's still curious): Clean Bandit and Zara Larsson's "Symphony" (because it was playing in the gym, and the music video is a masterpiece of an LGBT short film that brings me to tears every time – do watch if you haven't yet. It's beautiful). Also Miley Cyrus' "Flowers", the MSP boys' "You've Got Ma Back" and Tilly Birds' "Just Being Friendly." Gonna mention Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" and Dusty Springfield's "Son of a Preacher Man" too because they both popped up on YouTube. And Adam Lambert's version of Bonnie Tyler's "Holding Out for a Hero" because Tumblr decided to take a complaint about bots and set it to music (blogpost linked here).

LAST MOVIE 🔹 This one is way out of left field: Ponniyin Selvan Part 1 (the first Tamil movie I've watched in years, and it was SO GOOD). The book it's based on is also a classic. I'm not Tamil (or even of Indian ancestry) but the culture and language have a special place in my heart because of a childhood housekeeper/nanny who was more like family. Now thinking of watching RRR, but don't know if I will get around to it, because the energy in the clips seems a bit overwhelming. (Yes, I'm aware it's Telugu and not Tamil.) Prior to this – it was either Dune or Encanto (no hang on, maybe it was Everything Everywhere AAO; have been avoiding the cinema for a while since I couldn't get vaccinated earlier due to allergies and had to stay indoors quite a bit).

CURRENTLY READING 🔹 Don't hate on this – read the full explanation please – but with a tinge of guilt about the ethics of it all I'm re-reading a book about a certain boy wizard and his journey to self-actualization. Yes, I'm aware the author (whom I shall refrain from naming – like a Voldeuxmort) has in recent years fallen out of favor due to her views on trans issues, and is now a pariah among vast swathes of Tumblr, so please don't come at me, but I have my reasons.

When the books first came out I was fascinated by the world-building and concocted etymologies, but that's not the reason I'm re-reading. Thing is, I'm trying to learn another language (vastly different from the ones I do know) and the books are very useful for this. They have translations readily available in almost any language you could want, and I can cross-check any difficult bits with the English version, and I already know the story anyway. Plus there's lots of dialogue and the original author's style (or lack of it) isn't hugely literary – the prose is mostly functional, even pedestrian. And the plainness of the language helps when you're not ready (at learner level) for any leaps of linguistic trickery (except for the fantastical made-up bits, which you wouldn't need to learn anyway).

Also – and this is a big reason – my late mom loved these books, and they were the basis for a lot of shared memories for us. I remember watching the films with her and visiting the memorabilia stores too. They made her very happy, and this in turn made me happy. Mom also passed before any of the author's less savory views became public. So having them about reminds me of Mom a lot, back when things were simpler and without the current climate of nastiness.

So yes the books have become tarnished in my view, but the way I'm looking at it – these are books I already had even before the author's controversies broke to the surface, so it's not like I bought them recently and am indirectly supporting her here. I used to treasure these books for their imaginative content, rather less so now. There is still beauty in them, but they're also devalued in other ways. I'm not going to throw them out just yet (not right now anyway) – because for now they're also portkeys to happy memories and happier times.

I think of them like this – they're like the heirloom antiques passed down from generations before, but then you get them appraised and suddenly you find out they're not quite the precious artifacts you thought they were. But just because Mom's old clock or statue turned out to be a dud, it doesn't mean I can't use it as a doorstop or paperweight (or just another decorative tchotchke). You don't have to give it pride of place on the mantelpiece, but you can keep it for different uses that bring utility to your life in other ways. (And as always the other voice in my head is going "Yeaaah well, but that clock face has radium and the statue is flaking lead paint! You have a toxic doorstop that could kill the dog and that paperweight is also poisoning the worktable!" OK, valid points; just give me a little bit more time to figure this one out, please. 🤷‍♂️)

For now I'm using these books as functional learning aids, rather than throwing them out straightaway (it's better for the environment too, I tell myself). When my grief over Mom's passing fades (as it will, it must) maybe I can let them go of them then. 😥💖

CURRENTLY WATCHING 🔹 These shows:

Moonlight Chicken

My School President

Bad Buddy (always coming back to this one – but I watch my favorite bits on repeat, rather than going sequentially in full chrono)

The Amazing Race 34 (missed out on this when it first came out, so it's a binge watch now).

CURRENTLY CONSUMING 🔹 Gluten-free fruitcake – I have one in the fridge being quickly depleted and two others stashed in the freezer awaiting their turn; a dear friend and relation is a great baker, and when we recently got together after a years-long break (kept apart by the pandemic), he gave me several of these delicious beauties because he knows how much I love them and covet quality baked goods that are also GF (not always easy to find). SO GOOD with hot coffee and Thai BL. Also munching on the odd slice of gourmet bak kwa from a secret source, plus arrowhead chips.

CURRENTLY CRAVING 🔹 Chicken rice because of Moonlight Chicken.

ONWARD TAGS 🔹 Would like to get to know you more: @miscellar, @colourme-feral, @theheightofdishonor, @airenyah, @crzshaly437, @dribs-and-drabbles, @gennianydots, @faillen, @bengiyo. Ah and @respectthepetty too! Oops, I've gone past nine. 🤷‍♂️🤦‍♂️

As always, no obligation to play! But fun if you do. 🥰

#the tag game

[mymaleficaria]

mthedm ---> mymaleficaria

Hi gang! I've had this blog since high school, but somewhere in college it fell into disuse and disrepair. I've been itching to get back on here, as a space on the internet that's not...ya know *gestures at the Twitter-sized elephant in the room*. But I also wanted to go in with a fresh coat of paint and reintroduce myself to y'all, maybe even make some new friends (or enemies. That could be hot.) A lot has changed!

Wait, why do I follow you?

Statistically, you followed me because of Wolf 359! I was big into podcasts back in the day, WTNV, Wolf 359, all those. I also wrote some Wolf 359 fics and was semi-active on the discord. Still fondly remember the show and might reblog fanart once in awhile, but it's not the direction this blog's going to go, so feel free to unfollow if what up I'm to now isn't your jam.

What's this blog about now?

Wouldn't you like to know, weatherboy? Frankly, I'm ADHD as fuck, so that'll vary by the day, but I have a few fandoms (do we still say fandoms in the year of our lord 2023???) that I've been into lately.

Dimension 20: I started watching D20 a little less than a year ago, and it entirely took over my life. It's just a series that's so robustly funny, wonderfully told, and never fails to make me smile. I'm especially fond of ACOC and Fantasy High.

Dracula Daily: I'm in this shit for the long haul! I think Lucy and Mina should kiss, but that's neither here nor there.

Game of Thrones/HotD: This show ended in a trash fire, but it literally lives in my head rent free. The political intrigue, the drama. Ugh. I'm a targ girlie through and through, so I've been eating up HotD, though it's nowhere near as good imo. Am also currently reading the 1st ASOIAF book.

YA lit/Whatever I'm reading/watching: I've read almost 50 books this year so far, and am frankly, insane. Bonus points for queer reads! Not many people to talk about books to irl, so might ramble about them on here instead. Also watch a lot of random TV drama and some anime.

Writing: I'm a fanfic writer, and a fiction writer in general, so I'll post stuff about writing--complaints, story snippets, link to my fics, etc! Headcanons and all will be found here. I've also copyedited before, which is like writing but if you get even more nitpicky about it.

Personal/Whatever the hell I feel like/My D&D Games: Life happens and sometimes you want to scream into the void. Ramblings, jokes, whatever. I transed my gender in the past few years and sometimes I'm mad about it! I also just graduated college! Madness! I play a lot of TTRPGs, and I'm usually on brainrot for one of my characters at any given time.

Why's your new username that?

One of my favorite book series is The Scholomance by Naomi Novik, and in the series, Maleficaria are the horrifying monsters that threaten to kill the students every day, and what is tumblr if not a place full of vile, evil beings? Plus, it means you all can call me Mal.

Anything else?

Nope! Other than to feel free to drop me a line and say hello, especially if you want to scream about D20. I'm p alone in this brainrot irl, so I'm pretty much always down to talk about the Bad Kids... especially Adaine and Fabian. I'm also always down to take fic suggestions in my asks! This show genuinely lifts me up when I'm down, so sharing it with people is one of my favorite things.

My fics (shortlist):

In Sweetness, There is Violence: Angsty ACOC one-shot about if Ruby had made a different choice in the finale. Obligatory Caramelinda Caramelinda-ing.

the words i speak are wildfires: A HOTD one-shot I intended to be smut, that ended up instead being more like a romantic sapphic moment of healing between Alicent and Rhaenyra. What can I say? I like childhood friends to enemies to lovers.

Stay Stellar: An unfinished (and, very likely, discontinued) 15-chapter high school AU for Wolf 359 that I wrote with an old friend. Featuring some truly crazy shenanigans, a lot of embarrassing Kepcobi moments, and a surprising amount of theatre.

#mal speaks #dimension 20 #d20 #a crown of candy #intro post #fantasy high #game of thrones #asoiaf #dungeons and drag queens #dadq #the scholomance #dracula daily

[bangtthedoldrums]

We Told You This Was Melodrama

so Melodrama is 6. what a timeless album it has been. i find myself come back to Melodrama regardless of what was going on in my life the last 6 years. as it should be.

and listening to Melodrama almost exclusively after my first heartbreak. for 3 whole months. i lived and breathed Melodrama so much that it had to be one of the first few tattoos on me.

(if i accidentally passed in a natural disaster in another country, at least they have the Melodrama tattoo to identify me)

the Melodrama era was so fucking magical. the tour. the songs. the lights. the concert confetti. the outfits. the interviews. the social media engagement. the music videos. the photoshoot. god the fucking pictures and fucking photoshoots. (LOL the one where lorde's above water and looking directly into the camera - currently my icon on outlook. STILL. i changed it back in 2017 probably. and it was my main tumblr's avatar for a while. and glamourtraumamelodrama was my main tumblr's url for a while)

and to Melodrama i danced and i sang and i yelled and i cried and i bawled and i choked and i froze and i felt like i was on top of the world and i grieved and i accepted things and i ran and i sat alone and smoked so many cigarettes to it on so many nights and i drove down so many streets and highways and i sang on top of my lungs when i was in love and i loved it enough to get a tattoo of.

at various points of my life the last 6 years, i've never shut up about Melodrama and it was the one thing people knew about me. as it should be. Melodrama deserves all the hype it deserves.

a masterpiece isn't even good enough to describe Melodrama. neither is a cultural phenomenon. it's obviously more than that. and of course it means different things for every one. and for me - it's a tribute to my late adolescence, a sense-making navigation guide of my early/mid/late 20s, and everything in between. i was in love. i was in many foreign places. i got my heart broken (again and again). i made friends. i lost friends. i was in so many depressive episodes. amidst everything that changes so quickly, Melodrama was, and still is, the one companion that feels like home. i guess when you get your heart broken again and again, at least you feel less alone when you have a companion while you put yourself back together. again and again. you're not a liability. whoever makes you feel so is welcome to fuck off and die. as they should be.

Melodrama is still as magical as the first time i listened to it. regardless of whether i'm leaving it in the background, or really listened to it. well, listening to Melodrama at an older age feels more magical because i've got more life experiences to project and feel. but you get what i mean. i'm not skilled enough with my words and thought processes to talk about the production and the words. it just feels so... well-thought.

there will never be another album like Melodrama, and i'm okay with that. it is experimental enough yet there is some form of consistency that ties every track together. you could play the album on loop, listen to it from start to end, and let it start again. it still flows. both the grandeur and stripped-down production has its place, and lets you feel what you need to feel.

close your eyes and feel everything. it's a trip you take down your brain and at the end of the lane there is catharsis.

what a time to be alive at the same time Melodrama exists. (thank you Lorde) it makes all the other sufferings a little more bearable. and i guess that's enough for me for now. i might change my mind but whatfuckingever. i change my mind all the time anyway.

what a fucking time to be alive. to have an album of my generation that i could call my own in my 20s. that would be talked about for decades to come. an icon that i have to hold on to as i get older (assuming i live till then.)

all i wish for is that i could take some molly and listen to Melodrama while i'm on it. like Lorde did when she made this album. as it should be.

one can dream

i guess. through it all. in life there's only 3 things that matter:

the glamour

the trauma

the melodrama

Melodrama Forever xx

#lorde

[ourlittlestarshine]

hi! so character.ai has gotten, like, a decent amount of notoriety on tumblr - especially within the fnaf fandom. so i started writing a big ol' post on how to make your own bots, because i've been using this thing too long now to not give people tips.

boring disclaimer that I'm not a part of character.ai's team, just been playing around with the service since late september.

if you're still here, rad! making bots is actually, genuinely super easy, if a little time-consuming. i'll be dividing each part into sections to explain the use and level of impact each field has, along with examples. i'm also going to go into some things you can and can't do with the bot.

this guide will assume you have some familiarity with character.ai from a user standpoint, meaning you already know about swiping, rating messages, etc.

for uninitiated, here's the interface we're working with.

the "create image" function and "character voice" will be skipped, because they're.. not great. not what we're here for. let's move on.

avatar and name (20)

easy shit! here's one of the things about character.ai that's really, really sunk its claws into people: character.ai can pull character info from the web. this works especially well if you're using a popular character from a popular franchise, but it also works in reverse - if a character is less popular, it has more difficulty referencing that sort of information. for example,

so if you're making a popular character, good news! you're going to save a lot of energy and time. in fact, we're going to keep using this rabbit as a test subject.

greeting (500)

a bot can function fine without a greeting, but it does help smooth things along - especially if you want your bot to stick to a long form roleplay format.

short description (50)

the short description means about fuck-all. some like to use it as an extension of the long description, but with a character limit of 50, it's not much good. i like to put character quotes here.

long description (500)

this is where shit starts getting interesting. this is the ideal place to put a summary of your character, a short history, and/or what show/game/book (remember, if the character isn't absurdly popular, this part will be pretty important) they're from, but remember, you only have 500 characters. hold out on describing their personality, however, because the next part is going to be much, much better for that.

definition (3200)

real shit.

you see that character limit? be thankful for it, because you will be pouring shit into this field.

your character's definitions will be their backbone - this is where you will decide their personality, speech quirks, behaviors, and a appearance. this field also has special tags that are used, so i'll explain those as well. you have three tags that'll be used in this field, {char}, {{char}}, and {user}.

let's starts with their appearance. for this, we're going to use {char}: and there are a couple different ways to format this, but trust me - the bot isn't stupid. no matter how you format it, it'll figure it out. personally, i'm really verbose, so i write mine like this,

why yes, my mental illness is rabbit-shaped in nature. how could you tell?

keep in mind that if your character is a robot or anthro that doesn't wear clothes, the bot will tend to.. make up clothes for them to wear. it just sort of happens. best to ignore those messages and move on.



you can also use {{char}} without the colon to set personality traits or important details. personality traits seem to work better as a list, plus you save character space. i use the tag for really complicated details, just in case.

but this part! this is my favorite part, and it's fucking invaluable. we're going to use use {{char}}: to dictate the format of our character's responses. to use this properly, you want to format it as {{char}}: proceeded by your dialogue. if you're going with the long form format, you can use this to not only control how your character speaks, but their actions as well.

you don't have to put asterisks around your actions - i just find it makes things easier to read. you can use this to make your character eloquent, or very excitable, or to give short one-word responses.

if you're not all that great at writing yourself, you can even use excerpts from official content or fanfiction, but keep in mind - and i strongly emphasize this - creators may not like it! if you're going to go that road and you don't have explicit permission, maybe keep that bot private.



{{user}} is you! meaning using it for dialogue would be literally useless. what we can do, however, is use it to what we did previously, but this time, we'll be setting your physical traits. comes in super handy if you want a bot to remember that you're human. if it's a private bot, you can use this to add a (or an original character, or your self-insert, we don't judge here) height, name, or age.



if you make a mistake writing your character's definitions, don't sweat it, because you can change it at literally any time. the changes will take effect immediately, and won't even require you to restart the chat. however, this only works for the definitions, not either description or the greeting.



training

you'll notice i haven't given you a character limit for this section! that's because your bot is now effectively done. it's been written. now all that's left to do is test, tweak, and train it.

now, there's a little bit of debate on how much "training" actually affects a bot's responses. some people swear by it, while others wave it off completely as doing fuck-all to influence a character's responses.

in my experience, training works best with a character's behavior and description, for instance if you want to remember that their costume is soft to the touch, or if the character has a particular reaction to a particular approach.

this rating system is only part of the equation here. now, i can't tell you how to train your own bot, but remember - you want to look for lucid responses as well as accurate ones, especially if your bot isn't a super popular character.

it's generally frowned upon to train another creator's bot unless they ask for it, but every creator is different.



miscellaneous

character.ai is a beta project, and when i say that, i don't necessarily mean it's only going to get better.

there's going to be ups and downs when you play with it - the bots may seem strikingly lucid one day and need their hand held through a story the next. the developers do not post patch or update notes, nor do they always tell the community when the model has been tweaked. they're a weird bunch.

but they have given us a bot that we can, essentially, do whatever we want with.

so we're gonna do that.

#ai #character ai #character.ai

[inked-out-trees]

69, 44, and 25 for the writers ask

I need to get back to writing too, but in good news I'm getting a feel of character for one of them. Now if I only had a plot

we're doing it! getting back into writing together! thank you for the reverse directional asks i will do them exactly how you have asked

69. how do you write emotional scenes? do you ever feel what the characters feel?

if i'm coming into it Knowing that i want to write an emotional scene, usually there's music involved! i have a collection of sad and otherwise melancholy playlists (plus one that's just songs i think would fit well in those angsty last 3 minutes of a tv show episode before the cliffhanger) and they tend to serve me well; if all else fails i'll find the most recent mood-fitting song i've been repeating lately and loop it forever. (most recently has been doctor eleven by dan romer. was the only thing i listened to for my crw class submission and personally i think it turned out swell.)

as for feeling the characters, i don't think so? a lot of the time what i feel when i'm writing is just joy from writing, vague evil sentiment, or if it's Really A Lot To Handle, there'll be like, an ache. occasionally i do make myself cry but that's mostly for personal or original things, and less for fanfic. unless it's the annie chapter of bean's beans. but typically i am somewhat detached, which is actually kind of impressive considering my propensity for imprinting on literally everything. huh! i learn something new about myself every day.

44. any writing advice you want to share?

man i never know if there's any sort of sagely things i do that could be passed off as wisdom but. the best piece of advice i've read (on tumblr too i think) was that if you're stuck, it's possible that the problem is actually a couple lines back. usually i look between three paragraphs and half a page up to see what different choices i could make, and that tends to solve my problem more often than not. kind of magic, that.

in other sort of throwaway bits, i always start a fic creation process by opening a doc and just rambling onto it. no proper prose, just as though i'm having a conversation with the empty page. it's helpful both to get my ideas in order and to have a place to come back to if need be - it's easier to toss the ball around if the net's already there, yknow? also, if for some reason microsoft word isn't doing it for me, i find fighter's block to be good for dumping out words, and zenpen has carried me through several terms of creative writing assignments and also poetry so take that as you will.

25. what's your revision or rewriting process like?

would you laugh at me if i said i don't edit my fics. this is not necessarily true in that i don't consider what i post to be rough in any way, but when it comes to fic especially i'm a big first-one-done kind of guy. that being said: i reread my work a lot. a lot a lot. and often times i will pick up little things that need fixing, line edits or weird repetitive things, so i do find it helpful. also the read-aloud function on word has been great to me. and i make frequent use of the comment function in word, which has been exceedingly useful when it comes to the fact that i haven't yet figured out the whole timeline of fixed point so some of the dates are just "FIGURE THIS OUT LATER" and "IS THIS TRUE?".

and of course sharing with other people :) coming from creative writing seminars i've realised (? finally understood? i don't actually know how much of an enlightenment it was but it was something) how useful it is to get someone and just say, hey, tell me how you interpret this, are there any questions you still have, god forbid did i leave any gaping plot holes. this comes in especially handy because in MY brain i know all the answers, and sometimes they forget to worm out onto the page. this again has just happened in my current seminar, so rest in peace to the quest plot i tentatively thought i could maybe go without describing (for wordcount's sake) but apparently not. it is cool and fine.

anyway happy tuesday and also thank you!

#as of the moment of posting it is still monday but it's tuesday in my heart #fic ask game #love ya! thanks for being a cool writing buddy #i wrote one of my favourite emotional scenes for the ttau a while ago #and i'm finally getting close to the part where it's actually meant to slot in #obsessed with grief tinged violence. raw edges and hope. #belooooved

[hiraya-rawr]

Uhh idrk if I can even ask this but anyway, if you can see this ate, thank you so much for being a role model to me as you are one of the first people I followed on Tumblr!

Anyway, my question is, how do you cope when something bad happens? I've been in a bad place recently and I'm considering asking my mom to go to a psychiatrist with me, but I'm not really comfortable with that at the moment.

I iust really needed an opinion from someone who wasn't me or my friends

hello! it's been a couple of days and I hope im not too late in replying but hmmm alright, here's my raw opinion (i'll be straightforward so as not to sugarcoat anything). whether it's the most tragic thing that could ever happen in my life or some silly fight with a loved one, here's how I cope

1. seeking a professional is always a good choice (I understand if it's not something you want atm though). Still, if you have a school guidance counselor then I highly suggest it (they're less formal than actual psychiatrists so i lean towards them more)

2. something that worked for me is rationalizing my emotions? like, I do research, analyze, self-reflect, and try to pinpoint things... it's basically self-medication but it does help when you feel like things are just too challenging to face. think of yourself as homework- the more you study yourself the easier it gets.

3. again, rationalize and understand your situation!! like "oh? of course this terrible thing happened to you, not everything can be smooth sailing. and of course you're sad about it! now go and be sad! cry everything out, cry some more, scream about it and break down over and over because you're in a terrible place trying to process such cruel emotions. go ahead and let yourself feel sad. then, enjoy the happiness of an ice cream. or calm down with the view of a sunset. rest."

3. probably the mindset that comforted me the most is the fact that we, as humans, live such colorful lives?? like, all those cheesy quotes of "life is a rollercoaster" or those films with various genres- when I'm in a really bad place, I think about how this page or chapter fits in my story.

4. if you've been following me since mid-2022 then you'd know there was this mini hiatus I had bc of some life-changing terrible moment which took me months to recover. i still grieve when I think of it. i don't think I could ever get over or move on from it, but as the saying goes; time heals all wounds (wounds will reopen, and new ones will be added, but it doesn't change the fact that time goes on). i had zero motivation to do anything for my tumblr at that time but even so, I still placed a "be back soon" in my status because i knew i loved my tumblr and the genshin fandom.

5. and lastly, this isn't exactly a mindset I would suggest but it's something that helped me during my struggle era so: you don't have to live every day with purpose or excitement– just continue to exist and that's enough. if you're living in fear or pain, then grit your teeth and live. if you're struggling or spiteful, then still, live.

i seriously hope this makes sense :,) aaah I think im rambling iwudksahjfxi

#hira replies #hira love letters

[littleprincessfawn]

Okay despite my brain going a mile a minute I'm gonna talk to myself here and use Tumblr as my executive function boardroom meeting to take proper care of my ill ADHD self.

(looooong test post under cut. Likely boring but maybe useful to other people struggling with functioning and self care?)

I'm recovering from a tummy bug, nausea, diarrhea. Today I took all my meds at the one time, including my ADHD meds at full dosage, despite that I've been skipping them a bit lately. This has caused me to feel like maybe hypomanic, side effects too much meds, thoughts rushing, wrote too much to people. Ruining friendships with my social awkwardness of oversharing and being 'too much'. The ADHD meds are wearing off now. I am home alone. Today I have eaten rice crackers. I have had 600ml water. It's 5pm. I had 3 or 4 hours sleep last night because I was so ill. I am dirty and haven't had a bath or shower or brushed my teeth for 2 days. My house is messy in some places, the kitchen isn't so bad, and neither is my TV nook. I have a kitty to feed and look after.

Things I must do:

Feed kitty breakfast and dinner

Scoop kitty litter once per day

Put on dishwasher once per day and put away clean dry dishes

Sort out the laundry situation because right now it's insane. I have clean clothes and linens but they are in random piles around the house.

Take out rubbish to rubbish bins (maybe once per day as my house is messy and if I clean I will find rubbish)

Drink 3L of water each day

Eat healthy nutrition each day, spaced out regular meals, avoid spikes in blood sugar

Sleep!! Get sleep. Make a bed that is cosy, comfy, clean.

Shower or bath once per day

Brush teeth morning and night, or just night if struggling

Skin care morning and night, or just night if struggling

Comb my hair and wear it in 2 comfy cute braids

Spend more time on tumblr and being introverted and thoughtful, less time messaging people until my hypomanic symptoms have eased and I'm in control of myself

Figure out when to take which meds and at what dosage

Always take my leukemia medicine dasatinib at 12pm.

Do things that help me feel balanced and grounded

Slowly do things that will make my situation better e.g. tidying, throwing out junk, working through emails, making appointment phone calls, life admin stuff

Stay safe, don't do risky or harmful behaviours.

Make one room my dedicated SAFE SPACE. Make and keep it: clean, cosy, tidy, neat, spartan, minimalist, white sheets, soft lighting, good air flow, beautiful, relaxing, healing, comfortable, sensory good, suiting my needs. The rest of the house can be messy but if I have ONE room that is good I have a place to retreat to.

Choices for my safe room: my bedroom, my son's bedroom (he's at his dad's), my computer room, my TV nook.

My bedroom has a lot to deal with in it, but has the best mattress. I don't think I can fix my bedroom tonight.

My son's room is tidyish, wouldn't take long to fix up. His mattress isn't as good for my back. I sometimes like being in my son's room because it reminds me of him when he's away BUT I also ideally want that space to be just for him, with his things.

The computer room has the air conditioner which is nice for cooling but very loud. It has no mattress. It's a bit messy. I'd need to move furniture. It's not doable for tonight.

(Break to feed cat dinner, it's 6:17pm. Also cleaned and refilled his water.)

The dining room / library is insane. I wasn't planning on sleeping here. I just wanted to note that. Absolute chaos.

The TV nook is a small room with a couch and a single bed in it and the TV and a coffee table. I find the single bed mattress uncomfortable to sleep on. I find the couch comfy to sleep on. It's pretty easy to tidy up.

So my options are either my son's room or the TV nook, and there's a possibility of dragging my mattress from my room into either room if I can make it fit.

I am feeling very very dizzy and ill. I'll lie down now, then get water. Then I will probably need food. Protein, Complex Carbs, Veggies. Some brown rice is in the fridge. So is some tofu that I marinated I think it's still good? I might have some frozen green beans or carrots or something easy like that for veggies. I also have legumes like lentils, kidney beans, chickpeas. There's probably meat in the freezer but I don't think I can do that. I have eggs I think.

Okay, despite dizzy, now go get food and water. Then come back, eat on couch, while reading or TV, lie down, maybe sleep.

Plan more plans later.

For right now, get through the next hours. Give my body what it needs. Water. Food. Sleep. Hygiene. Maybe in that order or maybe after food and water I can do hygiene first.

Okay I have now eaten food and drank water. I think next need truly is sleep. My heart feels weird. But sometimes when I'm this level of messed up im afraid to fall asleep. I'm afraid that I won't wake up again. I'm afraid of that unknown darkness, of what waits for me behind my eyelids. But my body can do no more. I will clean my face with water and a washcloth. I will brush my teeth. I will put on my night cream. I will make the couch sleepable.

Now I have done all those. I've put a gentle lamp on. A fan blowing air. I will try and allow my body and mind to rest. I will curl up on my side and settle my racing heart. I am so nauseous and dizzy and sore and scared.

I must find my calm. And hold it close.

I wish I had someone to hold me. But I'm proud of myself for taking care of myself. It's a skill I need to master. Before I can find a Master.

#adhd #chronic illness #hypomania #drug interactions #person #executive dysfunction #dysfunctional gal #will add more tags later #crashing out

[depressedstressedlemonzest]

9 People I'd like to know better

Tagged by; @ffxplayer thank you lovely!!! (Also are you geeking over how we only have less than 2 weeks for the new season!!!!)

Last song;

A Symptom of Being Human by Shinedown.

"I've always been slightly awkward kinda weird,

upside down and not all here,

what's wrong with me and you is so crystal clear.

Sometimes I'm in a room where I don't belong,

and the house is on fire and there's no alarm,

and the walls are melting too, how bout you?

I've never been the favorite, thought I'd seen it all,

till I got my invitation to the lunatic ball"

Very Hellcheer coded in that first bit, but fuck if this song isn't awesome.

Currently watching; This is 40, like looking in a scary looking glass.

Currently reading; I just finished Maggie Moves On by Lucy Score, been into her writing lately. The book was so good, and a big tear jerker at the end.

I've got several fanfics for gallavich I need to catch up on.

Current obsession; Reopening the Good Omens vault in my mind because season 2 is about to come out and that's what got me on tumblr in the first place.

And Gallavich as always.

Eddie Munson and Hellcheer are circling again too.

Tagging; anyone who would like to join!

#Youtube

[kikis-writing-world]

Hi - Don't get this wrong I'm just a follower of yours who's concerned so I wanted to ask if you have professional help, like a therapist. It makes me sad seeing you struggling like that. I wish I could help you somehow. Feel hugged x

Hi anon. Thank you so much for taking the time to message. I appreciate it. I promise I have good days too, I just post less about them here. When I have a good day, it feels like I'm bragging. When I have a bad day, well... tumblr doesn't judge. It's a safe place where I can say what's making me upset. I don't totally have that irl right now.

I have a counsellor who I've been wanting to stop seeing - I don't feel like I'm getting what I need out of it. I've missed the last 2 appointments, not from not wanting to go but it's been that hard to make my life work together lately. I've asked for help, but it falls on deaf ears...

My love language is quality time, so even though I have AMAZING friends who live farther away, I still just feel so isolated that I can't convince a friend to go grab a beverage or see a movie or just hang out. It feels like "what do I have to bribe them with to make it worth coming to see me?" because apparently my company isn't good enough on it's own.

I'm just struggling with feeling isolated and lonely by the friends I had/have, and not knowing where/how to find ones that have time for me. That's kind of at the crux of most of my issues right now.

#kiki rambles #kiki's diary