#Ive been crying all day because of this

[shorthaltsjester]

the mighty nein - critical role

this is a place where i don't feel alone. this is a place where i feel at home.

#also with softer vibes. i offer They #every silly little brainheart found family deserves a to build a home edit #the mighty nein maybe most of all. thats my family #also the lyrics deliciously well suited to m9. #when jester pulls that. stupid tarot card for fjord. home or traveler. and there's a carnival wagon. and veth says Thats Us! . them #i just think about . the tower is their home the xhorhouse is their home the lavish chateau is their home the balleater. the mistake. #the nein heroez. veth and yezas apartment. the dome. fjord and jesters living room floor. #a bar with a silly name on rumblecusp #also like. the song has stone and dust imagery. gardens and trees. #the inherent temporality of life and love and how that holds no bearing on how greatly people can love. im losin it okay. #ive been making this edit for days straight with my computer screaming at me for trying to shove 143 episodes of cr into a 2min20sec video. #crying becuase. theyre a family do you get it. they were nine lonely people and most of them had given up on seeing their own lives #as something that might be good. something that might make the world a better place. and in the end they're heroes. #and it doesn't matter if no one else knows because They know they're heroes. and they wouldn't've believed that was true when they met. #rattling the bars of my enclosure. to be loved is to be changed #posted on twitter and want to get in the habit of posting here too bc. #general reasons but also bc . i have noticed some of the ppl liking/sharing it are also ppl who shit on my ops by vaguing about my posts #which is in general whatever but does leave a funny taste in my mouth. #critical role #the mighty nein #cr2 #caleb widogast #caduceus clay #jester lavorre #fjord #veth brenatto #yasha nydoorin #beauregard lionett #mollymauk tealeaf #my posts

[notedchampagne]

posting this right before i sleep so that i can forget my embarrassments

mortifying nakeder version

#''SAM i think youre overreacting'' im purging the demons that resided in me since catholic school. leave me be #anyway recently ive been getting compositions beamed into my head but not a reason WHY. #so ive been working to try and finish at least one a day but this is actually kind of insane ridiculous now that i think about it #but this doesnt matter because i hate having too many WIPS im finishing them all anyway #a lot of them are half naked. again this is a cry for help #pyrrha dve #paul the sixth #paul tlt #pyrpaul #paulha #the locked tomb #nona the ninth #partial nudity #nudity #dudele

[skunkes]

obviously wld do research and its not happening any time soon but how do u prepare to have a pet you've never had before...i kind of want a kitty one day but I've never had a kitty and only been around a very shy one (belonging to friend)

#this also implies ill decide to get a pet one day. not sure i will because they Die. #ive been crying about cookie's eventual death since we first got her idk if i could do all that again its exhausting #talkys

[dephellseed]

#far cry 5 #eden's gate #far cry five #joseph seed #john seed #faith seed #hope county #aaron kirby #charles lindsey #tracey lader #virgil minkler #earl whitehorse #why do i think charles joined up? he always vanishes from my game after the last jail battle #it weirded me out enough after my third playthrough to have to come up with a reason for it #and the idea that all the mannequins in Prosperity are corpses and not mannequins but the dep is too strung out to notice is a fun idea #virgil had both his wife and son leave his butt in the dust for a reason and i dont think its just because joseph has rizz #something is up there #literally no one claims to like that man and ive never met a politician who had a good relationship with their kids so it works #the sex pistols thing has been stuck in my head for days and i dont know why #i really cant explain that one #that mustache just screams 'i had a mohawk and a dream' to me #henbane river

[pusangkambing]

Fuck i cant stop thinking about Bobby leaving Richarlyson FUCK. Bobby knew lost, he lost Tilin and Juanaflippa before, one after the other and he never got to say goodbye to them. Im so so glad he managed to say some sort of goodbye to Richa before he had to go

#AND THEN CELLBIT LEAVING THE ROOM FOR A WHILE TO CRY QHILE LOOKING AT BOBBY'S MESSAGE FOR RICHA IM SO FUCKED UP BY THIS SERVER DUDE #ive been crying on and off all day because of bobby #fuck man #qsmp #paimon!speaks!

[coolnonsenseworld]

Sketch Commission for @CastingEsuna on Twitter. Thank you so much! 💖🥰🥰

Instagram - instagram.com/coolnonsenseworld/

Shop - mmezzy.bigcartel.com

Ko-fi - ko-fi.com/coolnonsenseworld

Patreon - patreon.com/lmezzy

#lance mcclain #voltron lance #commission work #voltron legendary defender #woke up 5:37 to rain #so im here making a post now #right after asking if my sister is alive bc she wasnt home when i went to sleep like sure she is an adult #but adults get abducted too #those past two days ive been just making groceries and crying at the inflation #i also hot glue gunned a box for my drawer to keep the charms in and reorganized things ! #first b3cause packing preorders will be much nicer now and second of all #im avoiding putting myself in a position where my brain can speak out loud when im under stress like shut the fuck up collect things into #boxes okay #oh have i told you i made list of reasons my mom called me lately? #accordingly it was because: someone died #then because she had a panic attack (she still doesn't call them that) #and then because my sister wasn't picking up #we ended up talking about taxes and an ongoing trial which was postponed from last year when my mom and grandmother didn't get there bc #they had a car accident #if this doesn't make you go 'lol' about life #i dont know what will #you just can't start thinking about it and have to draw beautiful Lance's that people commission from you look at him #and those shoulders trying to compensate that flat ass #i hope yall like him #😆 #everyone is totally cool so far btw i hope it doesn't distress anyone HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND

[clits-and-clips]

Since writing the affirmations and starting manifestation again, I've actually been in a much better headspace. It's crazy how things align, and you end up where you need to be, especially through pain

#txt #have been reading the affirmations every day twice a day sometimes #doing my intentions and manifesting what i wsnt #which is mainly independence #also a good relationship with my ex from here #mainly stuff for me tho #and the full moon on Wednesday which is in scorpio which is his sun sign #will be a big release and maybe i can let go a bit or a lot lol #i need to move on and focus on myself and what i want in life and doing it all on my own #with support obviously but ive never been fully independent and im so ready for the blessings and the open doors #i dont know if ill truly ever be over him but i have to try for my own sanity at this point #i dont want to manifest anything selfish like him coming back to me because it probably wont happen anyway lmao #i hope i dont sound crazy lmao but coming back into my spiritual journey is definitely what i need #connecting with myself and my purpose feels like the only thing i can do rn #have a driving lesson tomorrow but in all honesty i could just go do the test and pass cause ive been driving forever and im good at it #just need to practice certain things but im nearly there! so close i can feel it and see it #anyway i hope i can keep this energy up and continue to head in a positive direction because it feels really good #if i need to cry about him and the loss then i will but im not going to dwell on it too much #i just need to take it as a lesson and let it go :) #cause at the end of the day i really did lead myself here whether it was his choice to end it or not #blah

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry im thinking abt death again #because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died #that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from #time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed #i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she #died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way #my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today #for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days #and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt #future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her #last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that #and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving. #sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless #others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club #i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her #stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i #dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my #family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters #probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno. #i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity. #again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a #full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length #unrelated

[love4hobi]

.

#dont know who else to talk to about this because it feels so personal but i feel anonymous on here #yesterday i had an ultrasound of my chest and they found something abnormal and ordered a biopsy #and its been on my mind every minute since then #the mass looks uncomfortably similar to the google images that pop up when u search 'malignant tumor' #and ive been doom scrolling on the breast cancer subreddit lmao #and im aware that its just stressing me out more but i couldnt stop and almost started crying #like the results could come back completely normal but.... im terrified of that not being the case #and i dont know how to deal with it until the actual procedure #its on friday but time is going so slow #all day ive been wanting to just blurt out my feelings to everyone ive talked to #but it feels so embarassing at the same time #so thats why im posting abt it on here i guess #i just literally dont know how to process my feelings rn

[soldier-poet-king]

I'm so exhausted with [redacted] and it's inescapable and I want a wife. With whom things would be bright and kind and gentle. Is it really so much to ask.

#doesnt even have to be a wife per se ive just been thinking alot abt [redacted] because of terrible dreams #ignore meeeeee today started out. not good. but bearable #functional. at least #then i ran out of steam got overwhelmed and hit a breaking point #and the days still not done. still have so much to do. and i want to cry and drink #i cannot do the former. physically. and will not allow myself the latter #so back to the uh. grind. #duty and goodness and obligation and honor and all that blah blah blah blah blah #whatever man. I'll be wretched and pretend. so good at pretending. and one day I'll die. thank god.

[angel-of-sweet-revenge]

When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out

#vent #its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything #i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant. #im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something- #-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again. #plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal) #and just #im fucking tired ok #and I'm sorry im a bad friend #i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some. #but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired #i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn? #and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON. #I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it #but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit #and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them #and they can lash out on me #i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not #last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend #it wasnt my fault #that friend ghosted me #im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too #but at the same time im too done to even really care #i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day

[love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward]

everytime i take a tiny triangle out of the cake i made my brother comes in and cuts off a trapezium, making the cut a single clean line. it would be vaguely funny but like i made the thing and like could he not eat it all without leaving some for me

#rant #i guess #it really fucking annoys me how i have to cut off my share in everything that comes in this house ever #like always stay on alert for your food and stash away your share or its gonna be gone by morning #i dont even know why its making me frustrated enough to cry #its just. nice good food has always been a treat and motivator for me and my brother has a habit of always grabbing my share too #it sounds so silly out of context but like. ive had a lifetime of going through a bad tiring day with nothing to look forward to but #a nap and something i like to eat. and always opening the fridge to an empty container #or worse the box is there but then i get in bed with a book and open the damn thing to find half a spoonful inside. #it would be annoying once or twice but its just. all the fucking time. #i hate this survivalistic shit #its not long before i move out thank god but still #he always did it when i was young and my mom hardly ever said anything #like now if i want i can get myself some treats but when i was younger i didnt have much choice. #i havent had the time to bake in two years and prep plus baking the layer cake took two days. i put so much work in it. #and he ate half of it by the time i came back from fucking peeing. i cant even say anything because he gets fucking angry and aggressive #at the drop of a hat so im. crying in my room about it. look my feelings are not as drownable and consuming now. i generally dont #let things like that affect me too much. but i feel so young again and like the entire world is so unfair. i don't know #writing my feelings out on a tumblr blog is so much better than journalling they should recommend this shit in therapy

[rise-my-angel]

.

#congrats ive been uncomfortable all goddamn day because of these anons #way to trigger a rape victim just trying to connect to a character she loves #by claiming everything i have concluded of my own free will is being delusional and stupid #thanks im feeling really fucking rattled by how much they were insistent about me being wrong about fucking rape #and before someome says im over reacting about this sorry being yelled at about being wrong about rape makes a rape victim feel dismissed #nope not gonna cry thats dumb i refuse

[ff2-soda-pop]

I'm starting to question if I should even bother with the stupid paper.... I'm probably just gonna fail anyways lmao

#ive been running around stuck on Babysitter Duty for the past three days and the teacher only gave us any instructions on thursday yet #somehow expected a full paper done and edited by sunday. even if i wasnt stuck on babysitter duty she'd get a shitty paper just due to how #little TIME that is to get things done. but because i am on babysitter duty uhhh..... well so far there's no paper #ive been spending practically full days having to take care of my sister and i cant just Ignore Her so i havent done my paper while watchin #her because again: my focus needs to be on Her. and shes incredibly loud which makes it super hard to focus. fun combo /s #so i was like 'i'll just stay up Really Late and do it then' but that hasn't worked because my sister WONT GO TO BED if im awake. i was up #until 4am last night hoping she'd fall asleep and shut up and i could work but Nope! #and then i got too tired to even care anymore #i've tried explaining this to others and they're just like 'ok well you just need to find a way to make it work :/' which is very much #easier said than done! and im scared about this paper because this teacher doesnt accept late work at all for pretty much any reason #and im sure she wont understand my situation. because shes also the teacher that didnt understand that i didnt have the textbook on time #because it was still being shipped and i dont control the rate at which book ships and she was like #'..........okay well you still need to have the book by tomorrow at least <3' when i told her the book had Just shipped and idk when i'd ge #the dumb thing. so yknow i dont have high hopes about this #also just as extra 'make stuff more difficult' i have zero accommodations because my mom cant keep track of my fucking IEPs and they wont #let me have accommodations unless i have that and idk how to get a copy anymore. so i've also been running around with no help in that area #and it's not great </3 #idk im just stressed out and frustrated and i Want To Cry :) #vent

[katyspersonal]

It is always so hard to recover the default settings of my brain after someone had already fiddled with them.

I live completely settled and accepting that nothing in my life will ever get better. That Russia will just keep getting digged deeper and deeper into its grave and I'll never be able to leave it (I am poor, nor I have qualifications important enough). That I'll just die here, and alone, and unloved, and very soon after my mom passes away because I can't fully care for myself. That everything will just keep getting worse, that I'll never reach the civilized world, that I'll always struggle with money for as much as food, that nobody will want to be my family.

But I accepted it, there is no need to worry too much if nothing can be changed. So it hurts even stronger when some asshole crawls back, telling me that he can't have a future without me, how much he wants to take me out of this mess and give me better life, how he has money to buy everything he ever wanted but it all means nothing if he can't buy me gifts and see places with me and meet holidays with me. How he just wanted to have a family at last in his life and only saw me as such - not because I was the only one who would accept, but because he only liked me. Because in the end I dropped my guard and felt hope. My brain completely rebuilt my concept of life and future from "dying alone, cold, unloved and pretty soon" to imagining doing everything there is to do in life together with someone I love.

But apparently he got too scared and uncomfortable with how fixated I became on meeting irl already, since I kept asking him about it? Of course I was impatient! I could not wait to take walks in the places he showed me together, and let him teach me how to cook, and watch all the shows he wanted me to show together, and do house stuff like picking furniture, cosplaying, decorating for holidays, taking care of pets, having long talks before falling asleep etc.. Yet he thought that was cringe and it made me sound "obsessive and entitled" and he went all "woah chill, you should be more HUMBLE and grateful for the OFFER, actually I was not in my right mind when I offered you, I am not really that desperate for you so why can't you just visit me once in a while for holidays or something :)"

And I just can't rebuild myself back to how I used to be right away. The vision of a better future became so apparent, so integral for my thoughts and feelings every day, that I kind of lost the idea. Like walking out of a house only for the door to lock itself behind me, so I can't even walk back in and am stuck outside.

I feel like my life just tries to teach me that I can't be loved or wanted. Why else I keep facing betrayals? Because it should be apparent that if something sounds too good to be true - then it IS.

#/vent #personal #not the first time when someone gets weirded out by how... intense i get when i trust someone #it is hard to actually earn my trust despite me acting friendly and talkative #i am like... clinically paranoid. i am always prepared that my 'buddies' secretly hate me #or that they will leave very abruptly #thats why i become too clingy once my trust is earned - because i am so starved for feeling it #but he like... provoked it. this is different #empty promises and undecisiveness are such a turn off #sorry if this is incoherent ive been crying all day #i guess no one can handle facing the 'real' kat. even those that crawl back begging to see it. #i should just stay repressed and with my shell wearing me instead of me wearing it #look people.. just stop being too nice to me. stop acting like you really love me. #it is clear that whatever is under my shell makes everyone uncomfortable. #that i feel 'too' much and love 'too' much as soon as i feel worthy enough #i guess feeling worthless is the only way for me to not push someone away. #Youtube

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

me, every night for the past three weeks: oh im feelin good rn! and i had a good day today!! im definitely not gonna lie awake filled with anxiety and dread over my future tonight :D

me, lying in bed 20 minutes later looping famous last words: by talos this cant be happening

#its like im fine literally all day qnd then i start to get ready for bed and the Dread sets in #like its an actual physical feeling in my stomach and i just suddenly out of nowhere have to hold myself back from crying #i literally go from perfectly happy to on the verge of tears in an INSTANT and idk whats causing uty #it #like i know broadly ehat the causes are but idk whats causing the specific switch at night #am i tired?? is it just bc im tired??? bc its not consistently at the same time and most of the time i dont *feel* tired #or is it just like. i knoe im going to bed so i know im gonna be alone with my thoughts and so they all come and hit me at once??? #idk idk idk i just know i hate it and i want it to stop i want everything to fucking stop #id say i need a minute to breathe but really ive been using the past four months as my minute to breathe & thats part of the fucking problem #because ive been putting this all off for so long bc its so overwhelming but now theres so much igotta do and theres real tangible deadlines #so i cant keep putting it off but i DO and its just making it all even more overwhelming and my parents arent fucking helping #but its not even their fault because im chosing not to talk to them about this bc talking to them about it makes it all real #and i dont want it to be real yet im not fucking ready for it to be real yet i just need a goddamn minute TO FUCKING BREATHE #i wish i could freeze time and just give myself a day where none of this matters #actually a days not long enough i think i need like. two weeks. two weeks for me to get my shit together where none of this bullshit exists #and i can just do whatever i want and not have to think about deadlines and decisions and the fact that this is all ive wanted since the #7th fucking grade and now that its actually here i cant fucking stomach the thought of it being real because im a goddamn coward who cant #fucking commit to anything or get themself to DO anything and i know its not really my fault bc i probably have adhd and i get #knocked off my ass with a migraine every ither fucking day but i still feel like i should be more prepared for this than i am #and im not prepared and im not ready and i cant get myself ready because i cant do things like this myself because i dont really want to be #doing them at all #like sure! the bitch can write a 400+ page fanfiction no fucking problem!! they can find time for that but a college essay?? even finding #schools to apply too???? dont be fucking ridiculous they cant even get half an app done in the time it takes them to write a two 6k chapters #delete later