#SO UH. HOW ABOUT THAT SCAR NOT DYING IN THE END NONSENSE HUH. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bladekindeyewear · 3 years

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HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-10-31

THE SPOOKTOBER SPOOKD8 IS HERE! Time to blog it and hope to the lord of bones that it heavily features the 12-foot Home Depot Skeleton! Continuing from last time.

Will John remember that he should be off protecting the other kids from running off? Or will he search for Vrissy finally, now that he’s spent a literal DAY staring at his house burning down?

> (==>)

This is the last Blood tie with your childhood and the past you were clinging to like a man-child, finally cut. Your psyche is no longer allowed to be....

....Housetrapped.

Now get your Breathy ass over to your more adult responsibilities. Or do something as irresponsible as usual, but more forward focused and thus singularly impressive.

> (==>)

I LITERALLY GASPED

I knew I was a fatally addicted Homestuck fanboy despite the trauma but I didn’t know I was THAT much of a just-over-thirty-year-old fanboy, I literally GASPED out loud. To finally have the joy and confidence for the future that comes with JOHN and KARKAT together IN PERSON and interacting with a common goal.

What a dramatic, perfect shot. This IS Karkat right? That’s what the visuals and my heart and soul said

> (==>)

THEY’RE CLOSE FRIENDS

CLOSE ENOUGH FOR THAT

KARKAT HAS COME SO FAR

Karkat and John conversations are some of the strongest in Homestuck, I ship them as FRIENDS so hard

It brings to mind something I mentioned in the Breath, Blood, and the Flow of Reality explanation/theorypost, which was holy shit SEVEN YEARS AGO wow

I didn’t always understand the appeal of John as a character, ranking him in the middle of my liked characters list. But after a while, I suddenly noticed how enjoyable he was for the things his conversations did to others, making his pesterlogs some of the most enjoyable to read. I wrote the following two years ago, in a character rankings thread, back when we knew jack shit about the import of classes and roles:

“I didn’t really see why I should think John was such an amazing character until I realized his consistent effect on the other party. He’s goofy and doesn’t really understand anything, but he understands just enough about his friends and others to make cutting, hilarious, almost unintentional insights that can change people for the better, even if he’s off the mark. It’s not what he says himself, but what he brings about in others that makes him so great to read. I mean, if you wall him off from everyone else… he kind of fails.

That’s why I take issue with the complaint of protagonist syndrome, here. John is very little by himself, but enhances all the characters around him immensely. Imagine if John were doomed to stay the least powerful and/or game-advancing of the kids and trolls combined; notice how little that would do to the story, or his beneficial role in it.”

John cut himself off from EVERYONE for YEARS in the Candy timeline. He tried to be close to people and just ended up distancing himself from it. He tried to keep himself tied down by his old home and memories of the version of Dad he lost, and all sorts of childish stuff. But that tie is cut, and the bonds he’s forged need to be grasped to bring him out to exercise his maturity, because Breath is futile without real BLOOD.

> (==>)

Awesome shot.

KARKAT: ROUGH DAY, HUH.

youtube

(that was supposed to skip to 2:26 when you click but I couldnt embed it that way -- I haven’t metal geared i just seen clips and super best friends & know some memes)

So many scars. I used to even ship Jane and Karkat a little so they could just be aghast together at everyone’s shenanigans and level criticism at them together, but to think Jane’s fought and hurt Karkat THIS much...

(And yeah, his blood color is shown through his eyes now at this age, that’s correct.)

> (==>)

Oh my fucking god, going from that to Sprite mode that abruptly. XD

This is great.

JOHN: karkat? JOHN: what are you doing here? KARKAT: IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.

Hah, SO close that Karkat’s immediately critical of NOT being greeted warmly. :)

JOHN: this isn't a battlefield, it's just... KARKAT: THE OBLITERATED, SMOLDERING HUSK OF YOUR FORMER HOME. JOHN: well, yeah. KARKAT: WHICH WAS DESTROYED AS COLLATERAL IN AN ONGOING MILITARY CONFLICT. JOHN: oh all right, fine. JOHN: it just feels weird to call it that. JOHN: i guess i'm used to thinking of home as somewhere far away from all that war stuff.

Yeah John, the burning down from a bomb that was meant for you and ALL of your friends’ children is supposed to shatter you out of that illusion.

I’d continue criticizing, but Karkat’s about to do it for me:

KARKAT: JESUS *CHRIST* JOHN. KARKAT: I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO LIST ALL THE WAYS IN WHICH THAT CONSTITUTES A SHORT-SIGHTED AND PUKE-WORTHILY IGNORANT THING TO SAY TO ME, PERSONALLY. KARKAT: AND FRANKLY I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BOTHER, THANKS TO THE COUNTLESS FIRES I HAVE BEEN PUTTING OUT ALL DAY, THE ONE PRESENTLY CONSUMING YOUR HIVE NOTWITHSTANDING. KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE MADE THINGS GO A BIT MORE SMOOTHLY? JUST A FRACTION? KARKAT: IF YOU HADN'T JUST DECIDED TO WANDER OFF THE INSTANT SHIT STARTED HAPPENING. JOHN: jeez, i'm sorry karkat. JOHN: i had no idea how much time had passed. JOHN: i must have gotten a bit distracted by my house being blown up.

A BIT DISTRACTED. You empty-headed irresponsible guardian.

KARKAT: NOT WANTING TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS, BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS WAS A PROBLEM THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WERE UNIQUELY AND MAGICALLY EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH. JOHN: huh? KARKAT: YOU KNOW. KARKAT: WITH YOUR SHOOSH THING. JOHN: my shoosh thing. KARKAT: YOUR SHOOSH THING. KARKAT: THE GUSTY NONSENSE? THE GIFT OF GAS?? KARKAT: YOUR SBURB ALLOCATED BLOW JOB??? JOHN: uh. KARKAT: THE SUPERNATURAL COMMUNION YOU HAVE WITH ALL THINGS WINDY, YOU ASS!! JOHN: oh right, that. JOHN: that would have let me put the fire out, maybe. JOHN: i don't think there's anything in my skillset that would have unexploded my house though. KARKAT: THAT'S FAIR.

Mhmm. Many of the characters in Candy AND Meat are currently in a situation where due to either years of unpractice in a worshipful society that discourages it by fueling their insecurities or inability to due to confinement in a years-long space trip has caused them to AVOID using their powers for the main beginning stretch of our new story. People have complained about them outright “forgetting” to use their powers, and they’re right, to an extent, but it’s story-justified. They’re almost all physically or psychologically prevented from doing so! But those walls are coming down, starting now. They’re going to come back into their own. And we’re bound to see a LOT MORE of these literal Gods using their abilities to shape the fabric of reality as the story progresses.

JOHN: i suppose i'll add one more notch to the daily tally of crazy stuff that happened which i just have to accept as my life now.

It was all already happening, you just refused TO accept it until now.

JOHN: so... JOHN: what else happened while i was caught up watching the symbolic representation of my former life get consumed in a giant fire ball? KARKAT: OH BOY. WHERE TO START. KARKAT: SO FIRST OFF, IN HINDSIGHT, TODAY WAS PRETTY OBVIOUSLY JUST ONE HUGE BAITED TRAP. KARKAT: I SAY "IN HINDSIGHT", BUT FORTUNATELY IT WAS ALSO EXTREMELY APPARENT EVEN IN FORESIGHT TO THOSE OF US WHO SPENT A FEW SECONDS THINKING ABOUT IT. JOHN: ...right. KARKAT: OH COME ON EGBERT, SERIOUSLY? KARKAT: KIDNAPPING A PERSON OF IMPORTANCE, ONLY TO LET US KNOW PRECISELY WHERE AND ON WHAT OCCASION THEY WOULD BE MOST ACCESSIBLE FOR A RESCUE ATTEMPT? KARKAT: HAVING THAT OCCASION BE NONE OTHER THAN THE CORPSE PARTY OF A HIGHLY NOTEWORTHY POLITICAL FIGURE, WHOSE CASKET MIGHT AS WELL HAVE HAD A GIANT "KICK ME" SIGN DAUBED ON IT? KARKAT: THERE WAS BASICALLY NO WAY IT WASN'T A FRONT FOR SOMETHING HUGE. AND IT WAS! KARKAT: WE HAPPEN TO BE SITTING IN FRONT OF ONE FACET OF THAT HUGENESS AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

Wait. Oh, God.

Someone brought up the possibility that Gamzee might still be revivable by Jane, and I speculated that she’s deliberately CHOOSING not to because she actually doesn’t like him that much or has some semblance of fucking sense left in her.

But what if she PLANNED to have a public funeral for him, and then revive him SOON AFTER to turn him into a Christ-like resurrecting figure? D:

JOHN: well, when you put it like that... JOHN: i guess we all got pranked pretty hard, huh. KARKAT: THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOUR SHITTY NERD PRANKS JOHN. KARKAT: FRANKLY I'M INSULTED THAT YOU THINK SUCH A WORD IS EVEN REMOTELY APPOSITE TO THE PRESENT SITUATION. KARKAT: OTHER THAN TO DESCRIBE THE WAY I AM PERSONALLY BEING "PRANKED" BY REALITY IN HAVING TO EXPLAIN ALL THIS TO YOU.

Pretty much. Get serious, John, actual people are dying by the--

--oh right, he was like this through the apocalypse and death of everyone on Earth.

I guess this is in character. Paradox Space made sure to choose someone empty-headed and disconnected from reality enough to withstand this shit easily. He really is a Breath player.

KARKAT: IT TURNS OUT THAT WE DIDN'T NEED TO PUT SO MUCH EFFORT INTO THE RESCUING YIFFY PART OF THE OPERATION. KARKAT: SHE BASICALLY RESCUED HERSELF WHEN ALL WAS SAID AND DONE. KARKAT: AND TOOK CARE OF KICKING GAMZEE'S CORPSEBOX OVER WHILE SHE WAS AT IT, IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF EFFICIENCY WHICH THE REST OF US CAN ONLY ASPIRE TO.

Excellent, yeah.

JOHN: it sounds like she'd be a pretty welcome addition to your ranks then. KARKAT: SHE'S A CHILD, YOU MORON.

Yeah, you’re fucking grown up now, John. Stop thinking of the kids as the ones who have to rise up when the adults aren’t all doomed or dead.

KARKAT: THE VRISKAS, PLURAL. JOHN: shit. KARKAT: THEY'VE BOTH BEEN CAPTURED. JOHN: shiiiiiiiit. KARKAT: YEAH. KARKAT: GREAT WORK KEEPING AN EYE ON THEM, BY THE WAY! KARKAT: YOU LITERALLY HAD ONLY ONE JOB, AND YOU MESSED IT UP IN THE EQUALLY SINGULAR WAY IT WAS POSSIBLE TO DO. JOHN: urgh, i know, i know. ):

At least he messed that part up while he was TRYING to watch them, and not when he wandered off and watched his house burn for a whole day instead of protecting the remaining kids.

KARKAT: JANE'S PLAN FOR THIS CONFLICT HAS THUS FAR CONSISTED ALMOST ENTIRELY OF KIDNAPPING VARIOUS HIGH PROFILE CHILDREN. KARKAT: IT'S BIZARRE. KARKAT: AS THOUGH WE ARE FIGHTING A WAR OF ATTRITION, WHERE THE MAIN RESOURCE BEING UTILIZED IS THE OFFSPRING OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. KARKAT: IF IT WASN'T ONE OF THE CORE TENETS OF HER FASCISTIC PHILOSOPHY, I'D BE TEMPTED TO SAY THAT CURBING REPRODUCTION MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA, IF ONLY TO PREVENT THIS KIND OF FUCKSHIT NONSENSE FROM HAPPENING.

Leave it to Karkat to point out the blatant absurdity of Homestuck’s nonsense in any given situation.

JOHN: wait. JOHN: wait a minute. JOHN: you said that both vriskas have been captured, right? KARKAT: EXCUSE ME WHILE I WEEP FOR JOY AT THE REVELATION THAT YOU HAVE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION FOR ONCE. JOHN: okay, well putting that emotional outburst aside for a moment. JOHN: how is that even possible? JOHN: doesn't vriska, the original vriska, still have her magic alien mind control powers? JOHN: it seems like it should be basically impossible for anyone to kidnap her. KARKAT: YOU'VE STUMBLED ASS BACKWARDS ACROSS THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT OF THIS UNFORTUNATE DEVELOPMENT.

...Is Karkat going to put two and two together and realize that Vriska must have been intentionally captured of her own free will for some sort of ploy?

KARKAT: YOU ARE CORRECT, IN THAT WITH HER CASTE-TYPICAL, *COMPLETELY SCIENTIFIC AND NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT MAGICAL* PSYCHOMANIPULATIVE ABILITIES, STAYING OUT OF CROCKER'S REACH SHOULD HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY TRIVIAL FOR SERKET PRIME. KARKAT: EVEN ACCOUNTING FOR THE FACT THAT SAID ABILITIES ARE NOT NEARLY AS POTENT ON HUMANS AS THEY ARE ON FELLOW TROLLS, THEY STILL OUGHT TO HAVE TIPPED ANY ALTERCATION SQUARELY IN HER FAVOR. KARKAT: BUT SOMEHOW, IT DIDN'T! KARKAT: INSTEAD, THINGS APPEAR TO HAVE GONE GLOBES UP IN CLASSIC VRISKITE FASHION, AND NOW ONE OF THE MOST UNEXPECTED AND UNWANTED BUT NEVERTHELESS USEFUL WEAPONS IN OUR ARSENAL IS DOING TIME IN CROCKERJAIL. KARKAT: THAT'S ABOUT ALL WE'VE BEEN ABLE TO GLEAN FROM TAPPING INTO THE BATTERBITCH AIRWAVES, WHICH IS A FANCY TERM FOR EAVESDROPPING ON THOSE OF HER AGENTS WHO TALK A LITTLE TOO LOUDLY IN SEMI-PUBLIC SPACES. JOHN: jeez. JOHN: i really screwed that up, didn't i.

Guh. I guess Karkat is underestimating Vriska a bit or just assuming the worst out of a habit of assuming the worst of everything. (Or, if he has his suspicions, he’s not telling John.)

KARKAT: HAVING SAID ALL OF THAT, AND WITH THE RECOGNITION THAT I AM CHOOSING TO NURSE YOUR BRUISED FEELINGS DURING A PLANET WIDE CONFLICT FOR THE FATE OF MY SPECIES, KARKAT: IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO EXPEDITE YOUR GETTING THE FUCK OVER IT? JOHN: i... hm.

Yeah, use your shoosh-paps from Karkat wisely, John. You needed them.

JOHN: i don't really know? JOHN: this all feels wrong, karkat. JOHN: no offense, but when you're around, it's usually a lot... KARKAT: A LOT WHAT? JOHN: a lot funnier. KARKAT: FUNNIER. JOHN: how to put this. JOHN: normally listening to you go on and on about how much we've fucked everything up is just very funny! JOHN: but now it's just not the same. JOHN: maybe it's part of what's going on with this entire reality? i don't know. JOHN: once upon a time i would have put down your ability to pull a silly rant out of your butt as a fundamental law of physics or something. JOHN: remember back when we first knew each other? JOHN: it felt like all you ever said to me was how much you thought i was screwing up and being a useless asshole. JOHN: and once i realized that you were also just a dumb kid who didn't know what was going on, i started to kind of enjoy it. JOHN: but now it's like... the only one who's still a dumb kid is me, and everyone else has something big and important going on that i just don't understand.

Mhmm, Karkat has every reason to be mad. And everything really, REALLY close to you that you care about is in danger from the very things he’s mad about. Karkat is RIGHT for once with every angry seemingly-exaggerated-but-not word, and that’s throwing you.

JOHN: i thought that i finally got what was going on with this whole war and everything. i wanted to be useful! JOHN: i guess i got a little too wrapped up in the feeling of something finally happening again. JOHN: and then watching it all blow up in my face, kind of literally now that i think about it...

...you think maybe something that happens to be A WAR is actually a big farking deal that you should be serious about??

JOHN: it's hard not to feel even more dejected about the situation than i was before. JOHN: and now even the patented karkat vant rant has lost all its sparkle.

IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

JOHN: maybe if you had like, painstakingly itemized a list of all the things wrong with my plan in a comically overdone fashion or something. KARKAT: I CONSIDERED IT, BUT HONESTLY THERE WAS SO MUCH WRONG THAT I CONCLUDED THAT THE BEST THING FOR EVERYONE WOULD BE TO NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN. JOHN: oh. okay.

Heheh.

KARKAT: IF WE'RE BEING HONEST, YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN, JOHN. KARKAT: CALLING IT A PLAN WOULD IMPLY THAT IT WAS A STRUCTURED SEQUENCE OF STEPS DESIGNED TO ACHIEVE A GOAL. KARKAT: WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH WAS A CONVOLUTED MESS WHICH STILL SOMEHOW INVOLVED DOING FUCKALL. KARKAT: AND I USE CONVOLUTED HERE IN THE SAME WAY THAT I WOULD TO DESCRIBE THE FRENZIED DRAWSTICK SCRIBBLES OF A SQUALLING HUMAN INFANT.

All Breath and no Blood? All concept and influence and ephemeral accomplishments and no physical impact or results?

Karkat has been fighting this whole time with physical results in mind. He NEEDS to tie that ephemeral shit down, and once added to his plan, once Breath sweeps the tide of actual sentiment of people, inspires them, you have an actual victory in reach instead of just more attrition.

KARKAT: I APPRECIATE THAT YOU SEEM TO HAVE DUG YOUR PAN OUT OF YOUR OWN CHUTE THE FEW MICROMETERS NECESSARY TO NOTICE THE PRECISE DEGREE TO WHICH THE WORLD IS BEING JUDICIOUSLY BATFUCKED RIGHT NOW.

Really need to dig yourself out more than that, John, yeah.

KARKAT: AS HARD AS IT IS TO BELIEVE, THAT'S A FEAT WHICH NO SMALL NUMBER OF PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF DOING!

(Which is why your plan of attack needs more Breath!)

KARKAT: BUT NOTICING THE PROBLEM AND MAKING MEANINGFUL PROGRESS TOWARDS SOLVING IT ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS. KARKAT: THE NEXT TIME YOU GET THE IMPULSE TO "LEND A HAND", YOU'D BE BETTER OFF CANNING IT FOR FIVE MINUTES AND LISTENING TO THOSE OF US WHO'VE BEEN TRYING TO SOLVE IT A LOT LONGER THAN YOU HAVE. KARKAT: THIS ISN'T AN EXERCISE BEING CONDUCTED IN ORDER FOR YOU TO PROVE YOUR PERSONAL DEGREE OF MORAL RECTITUDE. KARKAT: AND IF IT WAS, YOU WOULD HAVE ALREADY FAILED MISERABLY! SO DO YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE A FAVOR AND STOP TREATING IT LIKE ONE. JOHN: well... all right. if you say so karkat.

Phew. Let’s hope he takes Karkat’s gift of a worldbound, arms-in-the-dirt sense of responsibility (Blood) and runs with it.

KARKAT: I DO SAY SO, EMPHATICALLY AND AT GREAT VOLUME. KARKAT: AND NOW THAT MY OBLIGATION TO CATECHIZE YOU ON THE SUBJECT OF YOUR OWN LIFE IS FULFILLED, I HAVE A WAR TO GET BACK TO. JOHN: wait, hold on. KARKAT: OH MY GOD WHAT NOW.

--is it gonna be a hug?

> (==>)

JOHN. Put it together.

JOHN: you can't be leaving already. JOHN: there's... so much we still need to talk about!

No, not that!!

...well, yes, I’m all for more of you two talking but. This ain’t just about you two.

KARKAT: WHAT MORE COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE FOR US TO DISCUSS?? KARKAT: PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME YOU JUST HAD ANOTHER EMOTION THAT WE NEED TO DROP EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO DISSECT. JOHN: no, that's not what i'm talking about at all. JOHN: karkat, we still haven't spoken about *you*! KARKAT: ABOUT ME? JOHN: yes. KARKAT: ABOUT *ME*? JOHN: about you. KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT ME. JOHN: well... JOHN: you know, how you feel! KARKAT: HOW I FEEL. JOHN: or just... JOHN: argh, i don't know!

This was more of an intervention than a feelings jam, John. I’m not sure John’s in the condition right now to Breathily inspire Karkat somehow and help his war with an idea and drive he didn’t have before -- like he SHOULD eventually -- but I suppose we’re about to see.

JOHN: it's just been so long since we've seen each other. JOHN: all sorts of things have happened in that time, and it doesn't feel right to just not even mention any of it! KARKAT: LIKE WHAT?? JOHN: oh, i don't know karkat, literally anything! JOHN: i mean, look at you. JOHN: you are decked out in a tight body suit and have an eyepatch and everything. there is simply no way there isn't something to discuss there.

You talked with him plenty while NOT in person, though.

> (==>)

Such MOOD. What a good image.

JOHN: or like, forget the eyepatch, we don't have to talk about the eyepatch. JOHN: i feel as though my point still stands? JOHN: there is basically a bottomless well full of stuff to go through. JOHN: i mean we kind of glossed over it when you brought her up earlier, but what about yiffy? JOHN: this might not come across so easily due to human troll cultural boundaries, but her existing is kind of a big deal?? JOHN: i feel like somehow i missed the part where we all sit around and talk about how strange it is that two of our friends went off and had a secret child without any of us knowing! JOHN: is it too much to ask that we have that part now, karkat?

That’s fair. And they DO need to talk about it! But this is sort of like in the Game -- there’s important shit to do, and not a whole lot of time to do it. You’re going to do a lot of talking, but you won’t be able to do all you want with certain people separated from you by the circumstances of how this war is dividing your responsibilities.

JOHN: i mean, maybe it just doesn't mean that much to you. KARKAT: JOHN. JOHN: which is a little strange, given that it ties in to the whole conflict that you had with jade and dave. JOHN: oh god we have to talk about dave. KARKAT: JOHN. KARKAT: FUCKING HELL! KARKAT: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT DAVE. JOHN: no, this is what i mean, karkat. JOHN: we need to talk about dave! KARKAT: HAHA! LIKE SHIT WE DO!! KARKAT: I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW THIS IS EVEN A RELEVANT TOPIC OF CONVERSATION. JOHN: oh come on. JOHN: there's no way you aren't feeling kind of messed up about him, right?

THIS is fair. Karkat does need to talk about this with somebody. Whether John is the right somebody... I guess he is where Dave is concerned. And he has to talk to Jade eventually, too.

JOHN: i know i am. JOHN: whenever i think about how things ended between you two... JOHN: especially now that he's... JOHN: ugh, i'm sorry. i'm SO sorry karkat. sorry doesn't even begin to cover it. JOHN: this whole thing feels so impossibly sad. JOHN: all i'm trying to say is... JOHN: it's not healthy to bottle these feelings up and not acknowledge them. JOHN: even if you aren't feeling anything right now, and i don't for a moment believe that's true, *i* need to talk about dave! JOHN: so can we please just talk about dave for a moment. KARKAT: NNNNGNGNGGGGGGGUUUUUUGUUGHHHHHHHH FINE.

It’s difficult to live in a Daveless world.

KARKAT: IF IT WILL GET YOU TO SHUT UP ABOUT THIS TOPIC FOR EVEN A BRIEF MOMENT, THEN FINE. KARKAT: REGARDLESS OF HOW POINTLESS AN EXERCISE I CONSIDER IT TO BE, I WILL DISCUSS WITH YOU MY "FEELINGS" ABOUT DAVE. JOHN: okay. JOHN: thank you. KARKAT: ARE YOU PREPARED TO BE INUNDATED WITH NONE OTHER THAN AN UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA VIS A VIS MY SWEEPS-SUPPRESSED, BISCUITFELT EMOTIONS ON THE DAVE SITUATION?? KARKAT: WELL HERE GOES.

--it’s not gonna be short, or cut away, is it? --actually it could just switch to a very sad sunset-like vista of the two sitting there, and one poignant line from him followed by a long, hanging pause.

> (==>)

KARKAT: *DEEP BREATH*

A giant expletive isn’t it.

The best sendoff you could give him.

> (==>)

Holy shit. It really IS a rant!

KARKAT: YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I REALLY FEEL ABOUT DAVE? KARKAT: HOW I FEEL IS THAT I WISH THAT EVERYONE WOULD STOP FUCKING BOTHERING ME ABOUT HIM!!! KARKAT: ALRIGHT, SO HE AND JADE GOT HUMAN MARRIED!! BIG DEAL!!! KARKAT: DO PEOPLE FORGET THAT I WAS THERE?? I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS FORGETTING THAT I WAS LITERALLY INVITED TO THE OCCASION. KARKAT: I'VE EVEN COME TO EXPECT THIS KIND OF AMNESIAC BEHAVIOR FROM EVERYONE ELSE, SINCE I ADMIT THAT I DIDN'T EXACTLY STICK AROUND OR ACTUALLY SHOW MY FACE FOR MOST OF THE ORDEAL, BUT YOU EGBERT SHOULD HAVE NO FUCKING EXCUSE! JOHN: wait, karkat, that's not what i KARKAT: SO YEAH! THAT WHOLE THING HAPPENED, AND I CAME TO TERMS WITH WHATEVER THERE WAS TO COME TO TERMS WITH, WHICH WAS FUCKING *NOTHING*, AND THEN I GOT ON WITH THE ACTUAL IMPORTANT BUSINESS OF TRYING TO PREVENT THE WORLD FROM CRUMBLING! KARKAT: WHICH, NOW THAT WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, IS *STILL FUCKING HAPPENING*! KARKAT: I AM UTTERLY APPALLED THAT THIS IS AN INFO MORSEL I KEEP HAVING TO SPOONFEED DOWN YOUR WINDCHUTE EVERY FIVE SECONDS, JOHN, I REALLY AM. KARKAT: I MEAN HOLY SHIT, NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS! KARKAT: AND ONE THING I CAN SAY WITH ABSOLUTE IRONCLAD CERTAINTY IS THAT IF DAVE WERE HERE, HE WOULD SAY THE SAME THING!!

Okay he dealt with it by keeping his hands in the dirt working on hard-fighting responsibilities, yeah, as a Blood player might. But the way he’s ranting about it seems a little-

KARKAT: SPEAKING OF WHICH, WHERE *IS* DAVE?? JOHN: um. KARKAT: I FEEL LIKE IF ANYONE COULD HAVE PREVENTED TODAY FROM DEVOLVING INTO A HEADLESS CLUSTERFUCK, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN... OKAY, MAYBE NOT HIM, BUT AT LEAST HE MIGHT HAVE HELPED DRAG YOU OUT OF YOUR DEPRESSIVE FUGUE A LITTLE SOONER! JOHN: (oh shit.)

Oh SHIT

> (==>)

Oh no... oh no, they’re BOTH about to let it out together.

They’re gonna have to cry it out. Finally, onscreen. THIS is why they weren’t showing us, why they were saving it. It felt so awkward at the time but it’s because it has to culminate in these two, some of the closest to Dave since CHILDHOOD, get to show us the effect on everyone in a microcosm.

KARKAT: NOT ONLY THAT, BUT MAYBE WITH BOTH OF US HERE WE COULD HAVE DISPENSED WITH THIS ENTIRE SORRY TOPIC ONCE AND FOR ALL, IF ONLY FOR YOUR BENEFIT! KARKAT: OH HI DAVE, JOHN SEEMS TO BE UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT THE UNSPOKEN HISTORY BETWEEN US IS OF SUFFICIENT IMPORT THAT WE NEED TO HASH IT OUT THIS VERY SECOND IN FRONT OF THE BLASTED REMAINS OF HIS HOME! KARKAT: yo karkat that does seem to be a strange thing for my best friend john to be concerned about given that he has spent the past five years wallowing in the depths of deepest divorce fever KARKAT: and especially since jade and i have meanwhile been working as part of your resistance with no complaints, but sure, we can brofist each other and arrange our limbs in an unambiguously platonic way KARKAT: a way which is also flawlessly calculated to communicate to everyone present that here are two guys who are totally and unequivocally over each other JOHN: (oh god. you don't...)

Talk about John’s comment about Karkat’s rants not being hilarious in a situation. THIS situation really tugs it out of them. :(

KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA DAVE, AND WITH THAT MAYBE THAT WAY WE CAN WASH OUR TOUCH STUMPS OF THIS WHOLE ORDEAL AND NEVER HAVE TO SPEAK OF IT AGAIN! KARKAT: WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, JOHN? KARKAT: WOULD THAT SATISFY YOUR CRAVING FOR CATHARSIS ON THE SUBJECT OF DAVE?? KARKAT: WELL WHY DON'T WE TRY IT THEN. KARKAT: IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU CALL DAVE AND GET HIM OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! JOHN: (oh my god...)

> (==>)

These visuals are ON POINT. This entire sequence since Karkat showed up is masterfully done.

KARKAT: MAYBE WE SHOULD GET JADE TO COME AS WELL! JOHN: ): KARKAT: FUCK, WHY NOT INVITE FUCKING EVERYONE!!! KARKAT: WHY NOT PRESS "PAUSE" ON THE RACE WAR FOR A MOMENT AND HAVE ONE HUGE FEELINGS JAM LAWNMEAL WHERE WE ALL PUBLICLY EXPATIATE OUR VARIOUS CONVOLUTED EMOTIONS. KARKAT: FORGET PEACE TALKS, GET FUCKING *CROCKER* TO COME! KARKAT: MAYBE THE SIGHT OF A DAVEKAT RECONCILIATION IS THE SECRET KEY TO UNLOCKING THE PART OF HER BRAIN THAT STOPS HER FROM BEING A GENOCIDAL RACIST BITCH!!! KARKAT: HOW COULD WE HAVE POSSIBLY BEEN SO BLIND!!!!!! KARKAT: IF GAMZEE WASN'T DEAD, YOU COULD HAVE INVITED HIM AS WELL! KARKAT: HAHAHA, THAT'S OKAY, WE STILL HAVE A VERITABLE MENAGERIE OF PEOPLE WE KNOW WHO AREN'T DEAD. JOHN: ))))): KARKAT: ALL OF WHOM I AM SURE WILL BE SIMPLY DELIGHTED TO ATTEND WHAT WILL UNDOUBTEDLY BE THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN EARTH C'S BULLSHIT HISTORY. KARKAT: IF THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES, EGBERT, THEN I AM PREPARED TO DO IT! KARKAT: DON'T THINK THAT I WON'T!! KARKAT: IF JUST FOR AN *INSTANT* IT WILL GET EVERYONE OFF MY CASE ABOUT THIS, I WILL STAND UP WITH DAVE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE ***FUCKING WORLD*** AND SOLEMNLY VOW THAT I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT!!!! JOHN: KARKAT!!!!

That last bit with John. I can HEAR the rawness in his voice as he shouts that last bit... he’s about to burst into tears. And Karkat is going to have to with him. And they’ll cry it out together, as they should.

> (==>)

JOHN: ugh, fuck, this is just too much! JOHN: i thought you KNEW! KARKAT: KNEW WHAT??? JOHN: dave's GONE, karkat! JOHN: he's... JOHN: he's dead.

Let’s see it happen.

> (==>)

Just body language, the blow of the words...

JOHN: i didn't mean for you to find out like this at all, i thought... JOHN: i mean, i only heard about it yesterday, but i was convinced someone would have told you already! JOHN: apparently one minute he was there, and the next... JOHN: none of us even know how it happened, and it doesn't make any sense that he's dead, but he is. JOHN: he is dead and he's not coming back. KARKAT: JOHN: talk to me karkat, please. JOHN: please talk to me karkat. KARKAT: KARKAT: HE...

Jade and Rose were on a different part of this battlefield, they didn’t have the ability, time, and/or heart to break the news--

> (==>)

KARKAT: HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY GOODBYE?

aaaaAAAA

What a fucking expression, wow.

And what a regret RoboDave has to have for abandoning everyone without so much as a farewell letter. To think that ditching them like that was IN his Ultimate Soul is going to eat away at him. He may be linked to all of his self of selves, but he’s still an individual with individual regrets.

This was a damned good update. See y’all next time.

(It may be the new meds I’m on, but between this and the thorough love I see put into the unofficial archive, I’m suddenly reminded that despite all the drama, I fucking LOVE Homestuck. Even its current incarnation.)

#Homestuck #hs2 #Homestuck Liveblog #upd8 #Homestuck^2 #spoiler #spoilers #John Egbert #Karkat #Dave Strider #Jane Crocker

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kusunogatari · 4 years

Text

[ ObiRyū October | Day Eleven | Barbeque ] [ @abyssaldespair ] [ Uchiha Obito, Suigin Ryū, Hatake Kakashi, Nohara Rin, Jiraiya, Uzumaki Naruto ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ Vulgarity ]

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It’s become a bit of a tradition. The last day of Summer break, before everyone heads back to school, there’s a neighborhood get-together for all of the students, no matter their grade. Hosted at the largest house on the end of the street (which also happens to have an in-ground swimming pool), it’s one of the most anticipated days of the year, even though the day after is rather depressing.

The parents might even enjoy it more than the kids at that point, gaining their school year freedom with their kids shipped off for each weekday.

Though she used to be more into the participation aspect, as a senior in high school now, Ryū is pretty much part of the planning and executing committee alongside her father as hosts. The day before, she helps in pre-preparing all of the food for the barbeque, ensuring the pool is up to snuff and stocked with toys and supplies, and tidying up the yard to place all the outdoor furniture.

“How’s it looking out here?” Jiraiya asks from the porch.

Ryū, down below, is hosing off the dust from all of the lawn chairs. “Good! Almost done! How’s the menu? Do we need to get anything else?”

“We’ve got enough hamburgers and hotdogs to feed an army!” he replies with a signature grin. “Add in the chips and dip, the beans, and the drinks, and we’re good to go. I got a bit more than last year just to be sure. We can always have leftovers for a day or two!”

“Sounds good to me!”

“Pool partyyy!”

Seeing her little brother come flying out the back door, Ryū manages to drop the hose and scoop him up, twirling to help with his momentum. “Not until tomorrow! And you know you can’t go in the pool without your water wings, Naruto! It’s not safe!”

“But I wanna swim!” the four year old rebukes, cheeks puffed in indignation.

“You can! Tomorrow. I thought you were helping Dad in the kitchen, huh?”

“That’s boring,” the little blond mutters. “I don’t wanna make food, I wanna eat it!”

Ryū just laughs. “But you have to make food before you can eat it!”

“Nuh uh, that’s adults’ job!”

Grey eyes roll. “Well you’ll have to cook when you’re an adult, then. And you better learn how before then, huh? Or you won’t know how!”

Still struggling in her grip, Naruto grunts and drops the subject. “Lemme down!”

“Do you promise not to go in the pool?”

“Yeah, I promise!”

“Okay. Go back inside, it’s almost dark.”

Clearly displeased, he nonetheless follows her orders, dragging his bare feet the whole way.

She sighs, then looks over her handiwork. Seems everything on her list is done. The plastic furniture will dry overnight, so she shuts off the hose and then closes the cover on the pool. One last sweep, then inside she goes to help with dinner.

“Excited for tomorrow?” Jiraiya asks, still in the kitchen.

“Yeah! But I’m sad it’ll be the last one for me…”

“Nonsense! You can still participate while you’re in college, kiddo. And then you’ll just be one of the adults dragging your kiddos over, hm?”

Ryū gives him a look. “Getting a bit ahead of yourself, aren’t you?”

“What, I’m not allowed to tease you about grandkids?”

“You don’t need any for a while, you’ve got Naruto to worry about!”

“And he’s gonna need some kiddos to play with!”

She groans, bringing out more supplies from the fridge. “Oh my gosh, Dad…”

He gives a booming laugh. “You’ll get baby fever one of these days. Just do me a favor and finish college first, that’s all I ask.”

“I haven’t even dated anyone yet,” she counters, grinning.

“Much to my disappointment. I haven’t gotten to give anyone the tough, intimidating dad talk yet! I’ve been practicing!”

And so the banter goes as they cook, finishing and calling Naruto down for dinner. After dishes are done, Ryū retreats to her room and her computer. Social media is little more than everyone groaning about heading back to class, and seniors in particular being “so done” with high school already.

Scrolling through her feed, Ryū smiles softly at a post from Rin. Seems she and Kakashi went to the beach today, if her selfie is anything to go by. She’s already confirmed they’re both coming tomorrow. Technically Rin lives a few streets over, but...best friends get to bend the rules. And Kakashi is a few houses down. Then there’s some younger students, like grade schooler Itachi and his little brother Sasuke, who’s best friends with Naruto. Quite a few of his soon-to-be classmates tend to come over, too. Ryū often has to corral them all herself, the self-appointed babysitter.

Rin teases her about it and her mother nature. “Sure you don’t wanna be a daycare worker or something? You’d be great at it! Kids love you.”

“Not sure my energy levels could survive it,” she’d countered with a grin. As much as she likes kids...they’re a ton of work. She gets enough of that handling Naruto whenever she’s home to deal with her godbrother.

Otherwise her feed is just the typical, and Ryū soon abandons it for a bit of game-playing until bedtime. Already she’s prepared for both tomorrow and the day after: the last first day back of high school.

But it still takes her a little while to fall asleep, thinking it all over. Despite Jiraiya’s reassurances otherwise, something still feels really...final about tomorrow. Another stepping stone she won’t be able to come back to. Another year ending, and one beginning.

Either way, she can’t stop the passage of time.

Come morning, she wakes groggy, her lying awake meaning a slow start. No one is supposed to arrive until noon, so at least she has some buffer before having to handle anyone beyond her dad and brother. Breakfast is slogged down with many a yawn before changing into her outfit for the day.

Given there’s going to be swimming, she puts on her suit first: a longline bikini top and a skirt over the bottom piece until she actually decides to take a plunge. Her hair she ties up in a tail, a few shorter locks framing her face alongside her bangs.

By then, she’s finally fully awake, heading back downstairs to help Jiraiya with the last few finishing touches.

“How’s it looking down here?”

“So far so good! You got a lot done last night, thanks.”

Smiling at the praise, Ryū then glances up at a familiar voice. “Rin!”

Grinning ear to ear, the little brunette rushes into the yard, hopping up to cling to her taller friend. “Hiii! Hope you don’t mind that we’re early?”

“Not at all!” Holding Rin up, Ryū just nods to Kakashi rather than wave. “I can’t get over how tan you are. How many times did you go to the beach this Summer?”

“A few,” Rin replies coyly, letting herself be put down onto the grass. “Look, even ‘kashi has a bit of a tan line! And he’s always pale!”

Sighing lightly at his girlfriend’s antics, Kakashi lets her do as she pleases, lifting his sleeve to show the slight change in tone beneath it.

Ryū just laughs. And is then promptly cut off by Naruto running and crashing into Kakashi head-on.

“Oof!”

The girls giggle, Naruto throwing a slew of questions at the teens. As some of his late father’s favorite students at the high school he taught at, Rin and Kakashi are rather close to the little Uzumaki.

“Look how tall you’re getting, Naruto!” Rin praises, scooping him up. “You’re almost as tall as me, aren’t you?”

“He’s got a ways to go yet,” Ryū replies. Rin may be short, but not that short.

“You must be eating your vegetables like I told you to, huh?”

The blond sticks out his tongue. “No way!”

From there, once noon strikes, people begin filing in. All of the neighborhood children and their parents arrive, the large rear yard filling. Ryū opens the pool and it floods with splashing and squealing kids, all watched over carefully by a rotating squad of adults.

Ryū bustles around helping, distributing food and drinks while checking to make sure no one is missing anything. In between, she chats with others from her class, all smiles.

But eventually she notices something seems...off about Rin.

“Hey, you okay?”

She jumps a bit, turning to Ryū sheepishly. “Well, I uh...I might’ve invited somebody.”

“That’s okay! They not here yet?”

“No...I’m afraid he won’t show up...he seemed kinda on the fence about it.”

Ryū’s head tilts curiously. “Too shy, or…?”

“Yeah. And he, um…” Rin bites her lip. “...it’s kinda hard to explain. He’s not very...popular. He tends to butt heads with people sometimes…?”

“Uh, okay…” Ryū can’t help but hesitate. Is this going to cause any problems, or…?

“Maybe he won’t come. I was hoping he would so he could try and ease into things, y’know?”

“Is he new?”

“Well, no. But he had to change schools for a while.”

Something starts to click in Ryū’s head. “...wait...you mean Obito? The one who got in that accident?”

“Yeah! He’s been in a, um...a different school since he fell so behind after the wreck. And it...didn’t go well. Apparently it was pretty rough…”

“...I see…”

“But he’s able to come back this year to graduate with us, if all goes well! So I wanted him to come and sort of...reintroduce himself, you know?”

Ryū nods. “That’s fine.” She remembers that kid, vaguely. Ryū had mostly hung out with Rin back then, mostly only catching glimpses of him back when he’d try to woo her friend. But, well...Rin’s got a boyfriend now, so she doesn’t have much to go off of.

“Just, um...he’s a little rough around the edges now, if...you catch my drift. He had to be, after dealing with all those jerks.”

“Well, so long as he doesn’t cause any trouble, I don’t mind. Let me know if he shows up, and I’ll -”

“Oh! There he is!”

Jolting, Ryū follows Rin’s pointing finger to a figure coming down the sidewalk. His posture is slightly hunched, dressed in an outfit that makes her want to start sweating. Full pants, full shirt...he’s got to be dying! But as he gets closer, Ryū gets the feeling she understands why.

A myriad of scars pepper one side of his face, and she can see them go down under his shirt. Probably from the accident, then...he must want to keep them covered up. His posture is defensive, as though he expects to be attacked at any moment. And when he meets her eyes, there’s a weight behind his gaze she can’t identify...but immediately sympathizes with.

“Obito!” Rin calls in greeting, moving to the fence. A few people stop at her voice, looking to the newcomer uncertainty. “Hey, hey! Remember her?”

Ryū follows, feeling a bit unsure. “Hey,” she greets, flashing a tentative smile.

“This is her house! Remember what I was telling you?”

Obito’s eyes flicker over the property, and Ryū feels a sudden surge of self consciousness.

“I remember,” he replies, tone a bit awkward.

“It’s been a long time,” Ryū offers, trying to be friendly. “I’m glad you get to come back this year! I’m sure a lot of people miss you.”

“I doubt it.”

The girls exchange an awkward glance.

“Well...feel free to come in, if you’d like! Dad’s still barbecuing if you’re hungry. He’s a really good cook.”

“Oh please, we all know you prep the food and he just cooks it,” Rin laughs.

“Well, still!”

“...Obito?”

All three of them pause as Kakashi steps up.

“...Kakashi.”

“I...didn’t know you were coming.”

“Rin invited me.”

The couple exchange a look, and Ryū can’t help a small grimace. Seems that particular decision wasn’t discussed.

“...didn’t know that either,” Kakashi replies coolly.

“Didn’t know it was your business who she talks to.”

“So, uh -?” Ryū tries to cut in, only to be drowned out.

“I like to know who my girlfriend talks to, sure. That a problem?”

“Kakashi, please,” Rin murmurs. “Let’s not do this now, okay? Obito’s free to be here. Ryū said so.”

The boys stare at each other a long moment.

“...you’re right. Enjoy the party,” Kakashi then relents before an arm around Rin’s shoulder steers her away.

...well that was awkward.

Nervously itching her arm, Ryū mumbles, “...sorry about that…”

“It’s not your fault,” Obito retorts bluntly. “He’s always been an asshole. Not sure what Rin sees in him.”

“...guess we all have our reasons.”

“I can leave if you want.”

“Wh-? No! Please stay,” Ryū cuts in, her expression falling. “...really, it’s fine. You’re more than welcome here. If Kakashi’s going to be an ass, then...let him. But don’t let that turn you away, okay?” She softens. “...I know it can’t be easy coming back here after so long, so...maybe it would be good to sort of...take today as a test run…?”

Obito sighs, hands in his pockets. “Not sure it’ll make any difference. Everyone’s got their opinions already.”

“...maybe so. But, if it means anything...I’d like to get to know you again.” She offers a smile. “It’s been a long time, and...we didn’t know each other that well before. Maybe this is a good excuse to...try again?”

He looks her over suspiciously before softening a few degrees. “...all right.”

Her smile grows. “Okay! Hungry?”

“...yeah, a little.”

“Come on, we’ve got a whole barbeque going. It’s really good!” Ryū opens the little gate into the yard, letting him through. “So, hamburger or hotdog?”

“...hamburger, I guess.”

“Okay - we’ve got a whole bunch of chip types, too. And beans! We go all-out every Summer for today, so take as much as you want!”

As they approach the table where Jiraiya is serving, Ryū notices a momentary look on Obito’s face: one that says he’s far hungrier than he’s letting on.

...it makes her hesitate, a suspicion growing in her mind. But for now, she lets it slide. “Dad! Got a fresh burger? We’ve got a new arrival!”

Jiraiya looks up. “Sure! Just a minute, almost done with another wave!”

“You can pick all your condiments in the meantime,” Ryū offers with a smile.

A bit hesitant, Obito takes a plate and sheepishly prepares a bun. A mountain of chips follows, along with several scoops of beans.

Watching from over the top of the grill, Jiraiya exchanges a knowing glance with his daughter.

“Ryū, you want to eat? You’ve been running around all day!”

“Okay, sure. One more for me, then!”

“Coming right up.”

Taking up her own plate, Ryū stacks it high. She has indeed been busy up until now. Then Jiraiya gives them each a patty.

“Enjoy!”

“Where do you want to sit?”

“...uh…” Obito glances around.

“We can sit along the poolside if you want and put our feet in! It’s such a pretty day...and all the little kids are out now, so we shouldn’t get splashed!”

“...sure.”

Ryū leads the way, slipping off her sandals and sitting along the pool’s edge. Feet lazily kick through the water. Beside her, Obito kicks off his sneakers, rolling up his pant legs slightly to do the same.

“That’s better, huh?”

He doesn’t reply. Seems he’s too preoccupied with his plate full of food. Obito scarfs it all down like he hasn’t eaten in days. Teenage boys tend to have voracious appetites, but…

Well, she was going to try and talk to him, but...he’s clearly got other priorities. So Ryū goes ahead and eats too, watching as Kakashi and Rin, and Asuma and Kurenai start a water battle. The girls sit on the boys’ shoulder, trying to topple one another over.

“Gonna join in?”

She gives a start at the sudden question. “Huh?”

Obito nods to the pool, chewing another bite before swallowing. “You’ve got your suit on, right?”

“Oh...well, um…” There’s a sheepish pause. “I don’t...have anyone to play that with. But I might swim a bit after my food settles.”

His brow furrows at her answer, but he doesn’t rebuke. “...so how long have Rin and Kakashi been a thing?”

“...two years now, I think? It...took a while. According to Rin, Kakashi was worried about dating affecting his grades and time to work on school stuff.”

Obito scoffs. “Typical. He’s still top of the class anyway, right?”

“Er...yeah. Always has been.”

That earns a sigh. “Mister perfect...gets the girl, gets the grades…”

Unsure what to say, Ryū glances down sheepishly to her plate.

“Heads up!”

Jolting, Ryū barely has time to shout in surprise as Rin and Kakashi’s tower falls toward them. Rin tumbles forward, but Kakashi slams back against them. Water rushes over the pair of them with shocked gasps.

“God damn it, Kakashi!” Obito yells, struggling to his feet.

“It was an accident, Obito!” Kakashi counters, already crossing back to the other side of the pool and ignoring him.

“I’m soaked! You stupid -!”

Looking up at Obito’s strange, sudden silence, Ryū gasps - he’s gone rigid, clearly having some kind of attack. Balance lost, he topples head-first into the pool.

“Obito!” Slipping in over the side, Ryū finds a grip under his arms, hauling his head back above the water to let him gasp for air.

Immediately, the others react. Kakashi and Asuma help lift him up to the concrete walkway around the pool, Ryū turning him on his side in case he needs to cough up any more water. Fishing around in his pockets, she finds what she thought she’d find: a sealed pill bottle. Thankfully it was closed tight enough no water got in. She fishes out a tablet, stuffing it into Obito’s mouth. “Swallow!”

He does so with a little difficulty. And after a painful minute, his body starts to relax.

By then, several adults including Jiriaya have gathered around, the latter looking gravely serious. “Let’s get him inside and dried off.”

As the rest of the teens linger in the pool, shocked, Ryū follows in her father’s shadow. In another room, he trades Obito’s soaked clothes for some spares of his own, throwing the rest into the dryer. Obito is then laid on a couch to regain his head.

Ryū sits right beside him, brows pinched with worry. Her hands fiddle subconsciously with the bottle.

Slowly, color comes back to his cheeks, breathing regulating. His foggy gaze refocuses, and it turns to Ryū. “...h-how did you -?”

“I, um...I-I’d like to be a nurse, so...I read a lot of medical junk online,” she admits softly, a bit sheepish. “So I kinda...knew what to look for. It’s a good thing you had these on you.”

“...good thing you knew what to do with them,” he sighs, head rolling back to stare at the ceiling.

“...you okay?”

“...I will be. Thanks for, uh…” He pauses awkwardly. “...saving my ass.”

“Of course...I’m just glad you’re all right.” After a moment, she hands him the bottle, which he keeps clutched in a hand. “...is that...because of your accident?”

A gusty sigh escapes him. “...yeah. Happens randomly, but...especially when I get stressed.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Not your fault.”

“No, but...I still feel bad. Maybe I...should have let you go home.”

His eyes flicker to their corners at her. “...I’m glad I stayed.”

In turn, she looks up from her lap in surprise.

“Well...hopefully I won’t be too stiff tomorrow. I tend to get locked up after one of these…”

“Maybe you can call the school and -?”

“They don’t care. I’ll be fine.”

“...but -?”

“It’s fine. I’ll live.”

Given all she’s learned (and guessed) about Obito today, Ryū feels her heart clenching for him. The poor guy… “...well, if you need any help, just let me know...okay? I’d be happy to.”

“...thanks.”

By then, the day begins to wind down, and guests start filtering back out the way they came. Near the end, Rin and Kakashi come in.

“...you okay?” Rin asks, wringing her hands.

“Fine.”

“...sorry about all that,” Kakashi mumbles.

“Wouldn’t kill you to be more careful,” Obito counters with a glance.

Kakashi has no rebuke.

“Well, we’ll...see you guys tomorrow,” Rin then offers, still looking nervous.

“Bye guys.” Ryū gives a little wave, watching them go.

“I should head home, too.”

“You sure? Can we give you a lift back?”

“No, I -”

“I’d be happy to. It’d save you the walking.”

“It’ll be good for me to stretch my legs.”

“You won’t, um...there’s no chance you’ll relapse on the way?”

“Probably not.”

Ryū nibbles her lip. “...can I...give you my number, and you can let me know you make it back in one piece?”

“My phone got soaked.”

Oh. “...do you have a landline at home you can call from?”

He gives a huff of a laugh. “Stubborn, aren’t you?”

Her cheeks tinge pink. “...yes.”

“All right, fine. If that’ll stop your mother henning, so be it.”

Ryū walks with him out to the road, watching him like a hawk. “Be careful on your way.”

“Will do. Thanks for the food.”

“...thanks for staying.”

He nods, giving a salute before heading down the sidewalk.

After a pause, Ryū calls, “See you tomorrow?”

Obito stops, looking back. “...yeah!”

A small smile pulls at her lips. Well...maybe today wasn’t a total disaster.

Phew, just barely got this done. Weekend was busier and more exhausting than I figured, so this is...late :’D But better late than never. I wanted to base this in Obito’s bully verse, but idk if I really wrote it well kjdfdkjhg so forgive me, I’m not very learned in writing that kind of thing lol I guess otherwise I...dunno what else to say? I’m very tired :’D Thanks for reading!

#obiryū october #abyssaldespair #uchiha obito #suigin ryū #hatake kakashi #nohara rin #jiraiya #uzumaki naruto #best years of your life [ au ]#vulgarity //

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madasthesea · 6 years

Note

Are you still taking prompts? If yes, could you please do post!IW where everyone lost someone in the snap, but on paper it looks like Tony didn't lose anyone (Rhodey is alive, I'm pretty sure Pepper and Happy are too), so Hawkeye or someone is pissed until they see Tony and realize he's lost just as much as them

Like, 90% of my prompts are sad, so I had to wait to get in the right mood to write them, so I’m sorry this took so long! Thank you for your patience and the prompt!

Having the Avengers back together was… strange. They’d allchanged so much, were all so scarred from the aftermath of the Snap. Eventhough they seemed to work together well as a team, living together was anotherthing entirely. Tempers got the better of people, and the long, sleeplessnights most of them endured weren’t helping.

And Tony was utterly apathetic. He didn’t care about the frequentsquabbles, the tensions running high between training and mealtimes. He didn’tcare about anything. Anything except reversing the Snap and getting Peter back.

If he thought keeping his head down would keep him out oftrouble, he was wrong.

Clint was looking for a fight. Tony couldn’t really blamehim; he knew what guilt did to people. Didn’t mean he was ready for it.

Rhodey had taken it upon himself to make sure Tony ate. Somedays, when Tony’s work was going well, all he needed to do was shout at Tonythat lunch was ready. On bad days, he would make up a plate and slide in frontof Tony, not letting him leave the table until it he’d eaten it.

It was a really bad day.

Rhodey set a full plate in front of Tony. Tony looked at itblankly, feeling sick to his stomach. He pushed it away and stood, grabbing awater bottle and filling up his coffee cup.

“Tony,” Rhodey sighed. “You need to eat.”

“Leave me alone,” Tony snapped. He immediately felt bad–Rhodeywas just trying to take care of him. He paused in the doorway.

Clint scoffed. He’d been loitering by the coffee machine,brooding with his jaw set.

Clint had lost everyone in the Snap. When he wasn’tfighting, he was utterly silent. He stuck close by Natasha, but nevervoluntarily spent time with anyone else.

Tony turned to him, his face flushing and his heart beatinghard.

“Something to say?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. Rhodes waslooking between the two, unsure if he should intervene.

“Yeah, actually,” Clint said, pushing away from the counter.“What right do you have to be in mourning? To be moping around and hiding inyour lab? Huh? The world didn’t end for you.”

“Clint,” Rhodes warned.

“No!” Clint snapped. “He didn’t lose anyone! We all lost someone, but not Tony freaking Stark. He comesout of it untouched, just like always. He doesn’t know what it’s like to watchthe people you love turn to dust.”

He didn’t lose anyone.

Peter, scrabbling at Tony’s chest. Peter, begging Tony tosave him. Peter, a sixteen-year-old kid in way over his head, dying on an alienplanet, his ash coating Tony’s hands.

Tony took a staggering step backward.

“I do know,” he whispered.

Clint advanced, shoving Rhodey’s restraining hand off hischest.

“You have no idea,Stark. I held my son while he died. I lost everything.You’ll never know what that’s like,” Clint hissed, his eyes blazing.

Tony backed away. Iheld my son, too, he wants to say. Hebegged me to save him.

“I’m sorry,” he panted. Then he turned and left before Clintcould see the tears in his eyes.

“Tony?”

It was Steve. Usually, if someone caught him rewatchingPeter’s old baby-monitor videos he would shut them off immediately. Today, though,he just stayed where he was, watching the dizzying footage as Peter swungthrough the streets of Queens.

“Tony,” Steve called again. He was coming closer. Tony didn’tlook at him.

This was his favorite video: Peter had saved a cat in atree, then played frisbee with some kids in the park, and then sat and watchedthe sunset. It had been a good day. Tony remembered the voicemail the kid hadleft, his voice warm and satisfied with his work.

He felt Steve stand over his shoulder.

“It’s his birthday on Friday,” Tony whispered.

“Whose? What is this?” Steve asked.

“Peter’s.” Oh, gosh, how long has it been since he said thekid’s name out loud? It played on a constant loop in his head, but he nevertalked about him. These people, the Avengers, they weren’t… they didn’t knowthe kid. They could never understand.

He sniffed. “Or Spider-Man, as you know him. This is videofrom his suit.”

“Is he… did he die? In the Snap?” Steve’s voice was soft,but Tony flinched.

“He was with me, on Titan. He, uh, he stowed away.” Tonypaused, listening to Peter cheer as the little boy he was playing with caught aparticularly difficult throw. “He would have been seventeen.”

Steve put a hand on Tony’s shoulder.

“Rhodes told me what Clint said.”

“Yeah, that figures. He’s always been a gossiper,” Tonysaid, a fleeting smile turning up the corners of his mouth.

“I’m sorry he said that to you.”

Tony wasn’t sure why, but his eyes started burning withtears.

“I held him while he died, Steve,” he confessed. “And hefelt all of it. And I know he wasn’tmy son, but… he was my kid.” It wasa nonsensical distinction, but it mattered to him. It mattered that someoneknew how much Tony had lost.

“I’m sorry,” Steve breathed, guilt in every syllable. Tonyunderstood—every death was on them, every grieving husband and mother andsibling was on them because they couldn’t stop Thanos. “Tony, all these monthsand… I had no idea.”

No one had said it before today, but Tony knew they allthought it at some point: how come Tony got to come home to his entire family? Whyis he falling apart when he didn’t lose anything?

“I know,” Tony sighed. “That’s my fault.”

“His name was Peter,” Tony blurted out.

The entire team, gathered in the training room for drills,froze, staring at him.

Tony looked at Clint.

“He, uh… he was sixteen. He was Spider-Man, but he was somuch more than that, too. He was a genius. And the greatest kid you’d evermeet,” Tony said, swiping at his eyes as tears spilled onto his cheeks. The roomwas utterly silent.

“He fought Thanos with me. And then… then he died in myarms.”

Clint was watching him, mouth parted a little in shock.

“You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like to loseeverything, but… holding your son while he dies… I think I get that,” Tony finished,his voice breaking.

“Yeah,” Clint whispered. “Hell on earth, isn’t it?”

“Worse than dying,” he agreed.

Clint came over and clapped him on the shoulder. “Let’s getour boys back.”

Tony smiled, grim and determined. “Absolutely.”

#Tony Stark #Irondad and Spiderson #Clint Barton #James Rhodes #Steve Rogers #fic #MCU #my writing #brotp: speaking of loyalty #angst #so much angst #post IW #olivia-ivy

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staircasttext · 3 years

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Ep 21 Transcript: The Hallowed Collection of Suffixes

Episode 21

[intro music]

PAZ: Hi everyone, welcome back to Stairway to Starclan, a Warrior Cats read pawdcast. I'm Paz.

JULIAN: I'm Julian.

LIZ: And I'm Liz.

PAZ: And we're all back in our proper places right now, so no microphone swapping or anything. Back to our old ways. Well, I dub this set of chapters Murder Plot Number 3. Murder returns.

LIZ: Love to see it.

JULIAN: So new and exciting.

PAZ: Yeah, I think we needed a little murder. It's been a while. But I'll go into the summaries so we can find out--

JULIAN: Wait, did I miss the intro?

PAZ: We did the intro before.

JULIAN: I forgot.

PAZ: And then we had problems. But the magic of audio editing is I can just cut all that, and--

JULIAN: Hell yes.

PAZ: People will never know. Chapter 15. The chapter opens on the hunting patrol led by Longtail, who is overseeing Fireheart and Graystripe after their demotion to apprentice activities. Longtail mocks them, calling Fireheart Firepaw, and Fireheart threatens him in return. The three leave to hunt, and Longtail continues to cause problems. Eventually they manage to catch some prey and return to camp, and Fireheart visits Cinderpaw and Yellowfang. Cinderpaw is learning how to make a poultice for Smallear. Yellowfang explains to Fireheart that Smallear has stiff joints because his bedding was too damp, and sends Fireheart to scold Cloudkit.

When Fireheart arrives at the elders' den, Cloudkit is listening intently to a story from Halftail. Fireheart says that Yellowfang thinks Cloudkit has been bringing in damp bedding, and all the elders rush to defend Cloudkit. Fireheart leaves knowing he won't get anywhere with the elders defending him. Back in the camp clearing, Fireheart sees Tigerclaw sharing tongues with Brokentail like old friends. Fireheart is surprised to see Tigerclaw being compassionate, and wonders again if he's wrong about Tigerclaw definitely being a murderer. However, he can't make himself believe Tigerclaw is innocent.

Chapter 16. Fireheart wakes up and muses about how much it sucks to sleep in the apprentice den for babies. As he leaves, Bluestar and Tigerclaw call him over and inform him that his punishment is done. Bluestar then sends Fireheart on a patrol with Tigerclaw to find a way to cross the stream for the upcoming gathering. Tigerclaw brings Longtail along as well, and Fireheart feels anxious about going out with two cats who hate him.

Out in the forest, newleaf has truly begun. Fireheart relaxes a little as Tigerclaw praises him for his hunting. When they reach a stream, they see that it is still flooded. The three look for a crossing place, and eventually they see a thin and unstable branch across the deepest part of the water. Tigerclaw forces Fireheart to climb out onto the branch to see if it's safe. Halfway through, the branch dislodges and throws Fireheart into the fast-moving water, just after Tigerclaw yells at him to get back.

Chapter 17. Fireheart desperately tries to keep hold of the branch as it rushes down the river. Just as he is on the edge of consciousness and nearly drowned, the branch catches on a rock and Longtail helps haul him out of the water. Tigerclaw decides they will return to camp, as there is no place to cross. Fireheart wonders if Tigerclaw dislodged the branch on purpose as an attempt to murder him. When Fireheart glances at Tigerclaw, who is openly glaring at him, Fireheart decides he definitely just tried to murder him. Fireheart wonders what murder attempt number three will be.

Back at camp, Sandstorm is alarmed to see Fireheart in such a bad shape. She stays close to him as the cats report back to Bluestar. Bluestar is not happy to hear that there is no crossing place because she thinks Starclan will be angry if they don't attend.

Fireheart then goes to Yellowfang to get checked over. Once there, Fireheart is examined by Cinderpaw. Cinderpaw gives him the all clear, and Yellowfang trusts her skills enough to second her diagnosis. Yellowfang then asks Cinderpaw if she would like to officially become the medicine cat apprentice. Cinderpaw is overjoyed and immediately accepts. Fireheart is happy to see Cinderpaw so excited. After sleeping, Fireheart is called out to a clan meeting where Bluestar names Cinderpaw the new medicine cat apprentice. Everyone in the clan approves and happily congratulates Cinderpaw. And that's the end of our meeting.

LIZ: Yay.

JULIAN: Yay.

PAZ: Yay, clap, clap, clap. Finally. I guess we go in order, kind of, but I gotta say I was expecting the apprentice punishment to last more than one chapter.

JULIAN: I know. It was over so fast.

PAZ: Like there's a sort of timeskip. I think in fiction, it was longer than like one day, but.

LIZ: Yeah, it felt like he just got grounded.

PAZ: He didn't even get grounded. He was like, you can't go to the movies tonight. That's it. Like after tonight, though. I guess it was just there to have Longtail be a little bitch. That was the purpose of it.

JULIAN: They had to go on the world's worst hunting patrol, and then they were done.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: God. Longtail sucks. What's his issue?

JULIAN: He's awful. He's just a little bitch for no reason.

PAZ: I guess it's because he's cat racist, but geez.

JULIAN: Like, this is skipping ahead a little bit, but like, while Fireheart is like clinging to the branch in imminent danger of dying, Longtail's like, hurry up, kittypet, or something like that, like. What?

PAZ: I mean, I guess at least he does save his life. He doesn't like Mufasa Firepaw into the river, but like that's a low bar.

JULIAN: Yeah, he does save his life, but he's racist at him while he does it.

LIZ: Saves your life racistly.

PAZ: Thanks. I love it. Yeah, I guess this set of chapters, like literally, the first sentence in this set of chapters is Longtail being like, well if it isn't our newest apprentice, Firepaw. Like okay, bitch. Won't even call him by the right name.

JULIAN: Awful.

PAZ: And in the little bit where Fireheart's like, damn, it sucks sleeping in the teen room, it mentions that I think Swiftpaw, who's Longtail's apprentice, is also being rude as hell. And it's like great, it's just, it's all getting passed down.

JULIAN: God. I think it's also like, not only is Swiftpaw like real shitty, but Brackenpaw's really awkward.

PAZ: I know. That part is very funny. It was like one sentence, but.

JULIAN: Which makes sense, because imagine if your teacher came back to, like, boarding school and was in your dorm.

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: This is my new roommate, Professor Fireheart.

PAZ: Yeah, cause by all means Fireheart is his mentor, because Graystripe is doing fuck all.

JULIAN: I was doing the transcriptions for like some of the earlier episodes, and like we really did a 180 on Graystripe. Cause when they first start mentoring, there's one point where Firepaw fucks off to visit his sister, and Graystripe takes the apprentices for the day, and we're all like, ugh, Fireheart, what a deadbeat.

LIZ: Yeah, he did it once, and then he turned it around.

JULIAN: He did turn it around.

PAZ: Yeah, Fireheart is an example of how to balance your sneaking out to visit someone you shouldn't be and work-life balance.

JULIAN: It's important to have that balance.

PAZ: Graystripe needs to learn a thing or two. But the Brackenpaw oh, my teacher is in my dorm room, it's like the 100 times worse scenario of you see your teacher at the grocery store, and it's awkward, because you're like, oh, they exist outside of class.

JULIAN: Not only does he exist, but you have to sleep in the same sort of room.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: The more I think about this, the worse this is. This is horrible. I know they're little cats, but still.

LIZ: I keep imagining like the apprentices den as like, you know when people like foster kittens and they have like that little kitten area with like the blocked off door?

PAZ: Uh-huh.

LIZ: Yeah, it's just like that except you just have a fully grown cat back in there.

JULIAN: Yeah, Fireheart has to sleep in the apprentice den but like his legs are sticking out because he doesn't fit.

LIZ: Oh no.

PAZ: Fireheart does get to threaten Longtail again, which is great. I didn't realize he'd torn Longtail's ear when he was a baby.

JULIAN: Oh yeah. The original fight.

PAZ: Yeah, I just didn't realize he got like a scar from that. How embarrassing. You're gonna be like, a racist little bitch to this guy who gave you like a permanent scar? Okay. Looking real badass.

JULIAN: You're gonna be a racist little bitch to this guy who gave you a permanent scar in his second fight ever in his life?

PAZ: Right.

LIZ: Got beat up by this baby.

JULIAN: After you've been training to like fight and whatever for like six months or however long?

PAZ: Longtail's such a loser.

LIZ: He is.

PAZ: There's a part--

JULIAN: He really has the energy of like townie homophobe.

PAZ: There was a part, too, where he was like, oh, you better not touch me. Like Tigerclaw will get you if you do. And I'm like, I don't think Tigerclaw's gonna rush to your defense, my guy.

JULIAN: Right.

PAZ: Think this is one-sided.

JULIAN: Your faith seems a little misplaced.

PAZ: Very pathetic little man. And then he says some something stupid and like scares off this bird, and then blames Fireheart. Awful. You do know that these cats are British, though, because he does say rubbish.

LIZ: God.

JULIAN: Which is very funny because like, don't the cats called rubbish like, I don't know.

PAZ: Crowfood? It's crowfood, right?

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Rubbish is only an expression in these cats' world. There's no other meaning.

JULIAN: It's just a series of nonsense sounds. Like the bit with Yellowfang-- I mean, there's multiple bits with Yellowfang, but I'm glad we get more Yellowfang screentime. The part where she tells Fireheart off, or doesn't tell him off, but is just like, oh, you should have known you would have gotten caught is like both very cute and also like... how does she feel about Fireheart helping other clans?

PAZ: Yeah, I made a note that like, it seems like everyone knows that he's in trouble for helping RiverClan because I think it says Yellowfang heard it from Runningwind. But I'm like, I wish we'd gotten more reactions to that because it seems kind of... seems like it'd be a big deal. But I guess not.

LIZ: It feels set up to be a big deal.

PAZ: Yeah, and then they're only punished for one chapter. Cause I feel like it's also implied Tigerclaw told Longtail too. And he also doesn't really say anything. I don't know. Maybe it'll come up at like the gathering.

JULIAN: I would kind of expect Longtail to be less racist and more like upset about Fireheart helping RiverClan, or racist about that. Like the fact that it doesn't come up at all is weird.

PAZ: Unless it's like Runningwind just said to Yellowfang, they're on apprentice duties, and Yellowfang heard from her wife, Bluestar, why. That's an alternative scenario.

JULIAN: Right, of course.

PAZ: But yeah, the scene in chapter 15 with Yellowfang and Cinderpaw is cute. And then the following scene with Cloudkit and the elders is the best. I love it.

JULIAN: It's adorable.

LIZ: It is.

PAZ: Grandparents love this kid.

JULIAN: It really has the energy of like... I used to go to visit my grandma in her nursing home a lot, and we'd like stay overnight there because it was like a really long drive. And every so often like one of us kids would just sort of wander off, and my parents would find like my brother or whatever surrounded by old people.

PAZ: Yes.

JULIAN: That's what's happening here.

PAZ: Yeah, the thing is like Yellowfang's all like Smallear's stiff joints or whatever-- it's just arthritis-- is so bad. All the damp bedding. Go tell off your nephew or whatever. And Fireheart gets there, and all the other old cats are like, Smallear's just whiny. We love this child. Don't say anything bad.

JULIAN: Cloudkit's never done a thing wrong, ever in his life.

PAZ: The Cloudkit defenders have logged on. They're in the elders' den.

LIZ: They have.

JULIAN: The Cloudkit defenders are posting minions memes on Facebook.

PAZ: Oh no. They are. They're also that picture that's like the grandma commenting on the photo like, gorgeous picture, beautiful granddaughter, like 10 times.

LIZ: My god.

PAZ: It's very cute that Cloudkit loves to listen to the old people.

JULIAN: It's also like, I don't know, it's really nice to see him getting integrated into like clan life this way.

PAZ: And it's like, you can't talk back against like the old people, like what they decide. Gotta respect them.

JULIAN: God, they're so salty about Smallear.

PAZ: It's really funny. Really threw Smallear under a bus for this child. I guess if you had to listen to someone complain constantly, and you live together, and you're old, you might get a little salty.

LIZ: And they do love this baby so much.

JULIAN: They adore this baby.

LIZ: He's a nice young man.

PAZ: He is a nice young man. After that scene, though, is Tigerclaw hanging out with Brokentail and Fireheart interpreting that as compassion. Extremely funny. You know this man schemes.

JULIAN: It sends him on like a whole thought spiral where he doubts everything he knows about Tigerclaw.

PAZ: I know.

JULIAN: And is like, maybe he's not so bad. Maybe I'm just wrong. Maybe I'm just too suspicious, and Tigerclaw is a good deputy and a good guy.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: And it's like, buddy, he's scheming. He's plotting and scheming. He's aiming to be the fifth member of Brokentail's polycule or whatever.

PAZ: Tigerclaw saw that, and he's like, I gotta get in on that. I know, and like, I can't remember if this is the case that they were colluding before this or not. But the fact that it's like, they were sharing tongues like old friends, I'm like, mm.

LIZ: Wink.

PAZ: Maybe-- yeah. Wink wink. I'm like maybe this has been happening for a while, Fireheart.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's also like, this especially sucks because like Brokentail didn't even react when Yellowfang tried to share tongues with him.

PAZ: Yeah, it's really sad.

JULIAN: And now he's being all buddy-buddy with Tigerclaw and it makes me very sad.

PAZ: Yeah, that was sad. And that was also another reason that I think Fireheart should have been more suspicious, because Brokentail deliberately didn't react to like anybody else. And I'm like, maybe, maybe use your little noggin to think about why they might be getting along.

JULIAN: Well, it's especially-- Fireheart is like, "Fireheart had never seen anything to show that he had the compassion of a true leader until now." And it's like.

LIZ: Well.

JULIAN: And you still haven't

PAZ: Fireheart's just trying to be an ally. He's just like, wow.

LIZ: God.

JULIAN: Diversity win.

PAZ: Love is love.

JULIAN: These evil cats are gay.

PAZ: Finally.

LIZ: He did try to kill me as a child, but he is gay. Hmm. Makes you think.

JULIAN: More bisexual war criminals.

PAZ: This is what everyone's saying, and people just don't want to hear it. And then the next chapter is um, he's unpunished instantly.

JULIAN: Oh, there is-- at the end of chapter 15, there is a cute little turn of phrase, where, "as Fireheart padded more slowly ever to the pile of freshkill, he wished to the tips of his claws that he could be freed from the burden of what he knew."

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: Aw, there's so many good little cat phrases. Longtail said something too, like I've seen like a three-legged rabbit do better, or something like that.

JULIAN: It must be so fun as an author to come up with those.

LIZ: Yeah, to the tips of his little beans.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: That has to be one of the best parts. Cause it's like, you have to come up with phrases in like fantasy and stuff too, but when it's humans, it's not that exciting. It's kind of boring, because you define still human terms of phases. But when they're little cats, you just do whatever you want.

JULIAN: There's another part where Tigerclaw's coat is described as rippling as he stands up.

PAZ: This cat is ripped.

LIZ: No, it's like, you know when you like touch the back of a cat, just the back of it, and it just like does that twitchy thing?

PAZ: Yes.

JULIAN: Yeah, that's what I was imagining, when a cat is angry or agitated, they like...

LIZ: They ripple.

PAZ: His huge muscles. I do just picture Tigerclaw as like a Maine coon cat now, massive.

JULIAN: Big boy.

LIZ: Big boy season.

JULIAN: Big boy sends Fireheart to branch hell.

PAZ: God. I think this is murder attempt number two on Fireheart.

JULIAN: So what's number one?

PAZ: When they were battling in WindClan camp, and like, I think it was Leopardfur who was getting ready to kill him, and Tigerclaw was just standing there watching, menacingly.

JULIAN: Was the Cinderpaw thing, was that an attempt on Bluestar or Fireheart? I don't remember.

PAZ: I think it was an attempt on Bluestar, because it was like he asked for Bluestar to come there, and then Bluestar was sick. So that's why Bluestar didn't come.

JULIAN: So we're only on attempt number two. God. As they're setting out, Fireheart is like, oh, I'm like, he has this image of the cats like murdering him in the woods. And then he's like, oh, no, I'm just being irrational. And it's like, no, buddy, I think you're being very rational.

PAZ: Right? You were thinking correctly for once. It's like, damn, why would Tigerclaw take just me and his lackey who hates me so bad out into the woods to look at water? Nothing could happen here.

LIZ: Boys' night. That's just boys' night. Just doing lad things.

JULIAN: Yep, just a cheeky near-death experience with the lads.

PAZ: This is just like those British lads hitting each other with chairs.

JULIAN: God.

LIZ: But that's what they are. They're British.

PAZ: They sure are. That's what Fireheart thinks Tigerclaw and Brokentail are doing, you know, the tender kiss afterwards.

JULIAN: It is like, Fireheart's response to being like, oh, I'm just being irrational is just to go, I'm gonna prove that I'm a warrior to them. I'm their equal. And it's just like, aw, buddy. Oh, buddy.

PAZ: You can't prove that if you get murdered.

JULIAN: Also you don't need to prove that.

LIZ: Noooo.

PAZ: No.

JULIAN: Longtail's incompetent, for one thing.

PAZ: Yeah, he doesn't seem very good at anything.

LIZ: No. And he got beat up by a baby. The baby was you.

JULIAN: He got beat up by a baby. He scared away that bird when they were hunting.

LIZ: He's cat racist.

PAZ: Not teaching his apprentice good things. Wouldn't go onto that scary branch.

JULIAN: Yeah, no.

PAZ: But this is like... god, this is like the second time Fireheart almost drowns within 10 chapters or something.

JULIAN: There's a lot of water peril.

PAZ: Yeah, this is a very flood-heavy book it seems like. I guess because it's a book focusing on RiverClan, sort of. That's the other like spotlighted clan, I feel like, this book, because of Graystripe.

JULIAN: Yeah, no Graystripe in these chapters.

PAZ: Yeah, no, none. The only way to not have anything to complain about with Graystripe is if he doesn't do anything.

JULIAN: Graystripe fans, you get a reprieve.

PAZ: Tigerclaw, I think he like tries to cover his tracks in an interesting way though, where he pretends to warn Fireheart right before he falls to his doom. Which is, I mean, I guess it's like, Longtail sucks ass but he doesn't know Tigerclaw's a murder man at the very least.

LIZ: Murder man.

JULIAN: [to the tune of the Batman theme song] Murder man, murder man.

PAZ: Cause like when Fireheart's trying to figure out if Tigerclaw did in fact just try to kill him, he's like, oh, but he wouldn't do that in front of Longtail. But then he's like, maybe he did it in a way Longtail wasn't paying attention.

JULIAN: It's also like I wouldn't put it past Tigerclaw to do it in front of Longtail and then intimidate Longtail into...

PAZ: That's true.

JULIAN: Like, he's already done this with Ravenpaw and, like Longtail is probably easier for Tigerclaw to intimidate slash try to get onto his side.

PAZ: I mean, he could probably manipulate Longtail pretty easily without, like, I don't know, just give him some shit about how Fireheart's like a traitor.

JULIAN: It was for the good of the clan.

LIZ: There's a part where Fireheart says like, Longtail may be terrible and a jerk and suck and also cat racist, but he's honorable and would never let another warrior die. I don't recall this ever coming up ever before.

PAZ: I don't think it did, but I think it's just like a point of like, he sucks ass, but he did help Fireheart because he's at the baseline, like clan loyalty, I guess.

JULIAN: Yeah, I mean, there is--

PAZ: As opposed to Tigerclaw who loves to kill.

JULIAN: Like I think what Liz is talking about, there is specifically a point where like the code, the clan code is like specifically mentioned, about sticking rigidly to it when another warrior needs your help.

PAZ: That code's whatever you want it to be.

JULIAN: What is-- open the sacred text. What do they say?

PAZ: This has to be posted somewhere. I'm going to look. Warrior Cats clan code. I can't spell. Is it on the official site?

LIZ: Someone must have compiled this.

JULIAN: There is an article about it on the official site.

PAZ: Warriorscat.com warrior code. What is it? Please tell me. This website's taking--

JULIAN: That's a dog in this fanart. It did finally load for me.

PAZ: I'm trying to get on the official website. Wow, it doesn't wanna load. Okay, there we go. Oh, it's trying to give me the app. Warrior Cats is now available as an app.

LIZ: Ooh.

PAZ: Well, I don't have any space on my phone. But it's a-- what is this fanart?

JULIAN: Right? I think it's meant to be two cats fighting, but one of them looks like a dog.

PAZ: Do we wanna go through this? I'll send the link for you, Liz.

LIZ: I do.

PAZ: Are you there? I think you're there, Julian.

JULIAN: I am there, yes.

LIZ: Wait, what link are you looking at? Okay.

PAZ: The official one.

LIZ: Thank you.

PAZ: Oh yeah, let's go through this. Let's see if we think these have been invoked. "One, defend your clan even with your life. You may have friendships with cats from the other clans, but your loyalty must remain to your clan, as one day you may meet them in battle." I guess so. "Do not hunt or trespass on another clan's territory." Well, people love to break this one constantly.

JULIAN: Yeah, that one gets broken constantly.

PAZ: That almost seems like, I don't think anyone really listens to it.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: The hunting seems like a bigger deal than the trespassing.

PAZ: Yeah, but also like, everyone's been hunting everywhere. Like RiverClan's been hunting in ThunderClan, and I think Bluestar was saying like oh, we should go hunt in RiverClan. Then RiverClan was hunting in WindClan and ShadowClan was... WindClan's the only one who's stuck by this so far.

JULIAN: WindClan, you should branch out. No borders.

PAZ: WindClan, you can just move.

LIZ: They should just move. This is terrible.

PAZ: "Three, elders and kits must be fed before apprentices and warriors." Yeah. That actually came up this chapter. "Four, prey is killed only to be eaten. Give thanks to Starclan for its life." There was that weird thing that came up at one point where it's like, they bury the bones or whatever, so yeah. "A kit must be at least six moons old to become an apprentice." Child labor laws. "Six, newly appointed warriors will keep a silent vigil for one night after receiving a warrior name."

LIZ: Yeah, we got that.

PAZ: Wow, this keeps going, huh?

JULIAN: Yeah, there's 16 of these.

PAZ: Well, okay, let's... um, where was I? Oh god, I keep scrolling. What is this art? Tigerclaw is very buff here.

JULIAN: "Number seven, a cat cannot be made deputy without having mentored at least one apprentice."

PAZ: I didn't know this.

JULIAN: Maybe that's why Tigerclaw keeps getting apprentices.

PAZ: He's like, I fucking hate kids but, ugh.

LIZ: Worst person you know becomes a nurse.

PAZ: That is it! Oh no. Nooo. Nine.

LIZ: Tigerclaw's here to give you your vaccine so he can become vice president.

PAZ: He just jabs in there really hard. "Nine, after the death or retirement of a deputy, the new deputy must be chosen before moonhigh." This seems like a bad rule to me, frankly. I think you need time. This is a big decision. I think you need some time to think about that.

LIZ: Maybe you should have some contingencies in place.

PAZ: Yeah, you know, maybe ask your clan.

LIZ: Hmm.

JULIAN: Yeah, what if elections?

PAZ: No, Warrior Cats is nepotism. That's all we got here. "10, a gathering of all four clans is held at the full moon during a truce that lasts through the night. There shall be no fighting among clans at this time." Yeah. [laughs] "11, boundaries must be checked and marked daily, challenging all trespassing cats." Piss is part of the warrior code.

LIZ: You have to piss every single day. You have to check. Do not forget.

PAZ: I've gotten used to it, but it's still very funny that this is a important detail in Warriors lore. See, number 12. I feel... if this is part of the warrior code, then why is everyone suspicious when they help those kits? "12, No warrior may neglect a kit in pain or in danger, even if that kit is from a different clan."

LIZ: They're constantly suspicious of other kits.

PAZ: Is this like a new one? Is this one that happened after everyone was like, hey, maybe we shouldn't let babies die?

LIZ: Maybe.

PAZ: [snorts] "13, The word of the clan leader is the warrior code."

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: This is just like presidential war powers.

LIZ: This is very bad.

JULIAN: Ugggggh.

PAZ: Well, I guess anything can be the fucking warrior code then. Damn. "14, an honorable warrior does not need to kill other cats to win his battles, unless they're outside the warrior code or it is necessary for self defense." I guess this is--

JULIAN: Maybe this is where all the, like, people going, oh, you can't murder, no murder, are coming from.

PAZ: Yeah, I guess this is where the thing is like, where it was like, Tigerclaw, killing-- when that, what was the implication? That Redtail killed Oakheart or something? That was like, yeah, the bad implication because he was honorable?

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: Yeah, I guess so. What is this video at the bottom? Sorry.

JULIAN: Oh, wait, there's number 15, also.

PAZ: I know, but there's a video of kittens.

WIZARD: [a distant, sonorous voice]

JULIAN: [yelps] Oh my god!

LIZ: What?

[distant cats meowing]

LIZ: What?!

WIZARD: Rule number three.

JULIAN: Do you want me to screen share so we can all watch it together?

PAZ: Oh my god, yes.

LIZ: Yes, it seems really loud.

PAZ: I'm gonna download this audio and then put it under the episode.

JULIAN: Yeah, then you can edit it in.

PAZ: This is incredible. Why was I bothering to read these?

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: All right, I'm live. Can y'all see?

PAZ: Okay, let me join. This narrator.

JULIAN: Oh, wait, I'm not sharing audio.

PAZ: That's a great cat right there.

LIZ: I'm very excited for this live stream from Staircast. For the three of us.

JULIAN: Let me just play it real quick to make sure you can hear it.

PAZ: Yes.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: I can hear it.

LIZ: It's so very loud.

WIZARD: So, young apprentice, you want to be a warrior. Well, then you must follow the warrior code.

PAZ: Who is this man?

JULIAN: I'm sorry, this is very loud. I don't know how to turn it down.

PAZ: This is actually what Fireheart sounds like.

WIZARD: Rule number one, defend your clan, even with your life.

LIZ: He sounds like David Attenborough.

PAZ: Yes. What is this image?

WIZARD: You must always be loyal to your clan.

[cats yowling]

WIZARD: Rule number two.

LIZ: We have to post this.

WIZARD: Rule number 2, do not hunt or trespass on another clan's territory.

PAZ: It's gonna be in the episode.

[meow]

[tap tap tap of footsteps]

JULIAN: [yelps]

PAZ: The added sound effect.

WIZARD: Rule number three, elders and kits must be fed before apprentices and warriors.

PAZ: Why does this man sound like he's about to die?

JULIAN: [shrieking] Oh my god, this kitten.

LIZ: These are just kittens.

WIZARD: What do you think you are doing? You are apprentices now, not kits. Stop eating.

PAZ: This man is just a wizard. Oh my god, the munching.

JULIAN: Why are there chewing sound effects?

PAZ: What are they eating, rice?

WIZARD: Rule number four, prey is killed only to be eaten. If you're not going to eat it, don't kill it.

[thwap]

LIZ: What.

WIZARD: Rule number five, a kit must be at least six moons old to become an apprentice.

JULIAN: Oh, the kittens.

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: Who made this?

WIZARD: Sorry, but that means you're out. Don't look at me with those big cute eyes.

PAZ: What is this?

WIZARD: Come back when you're older.

[mew]

PAZ: Yeah, don't make your babies fight.

WIZARD: Rule number six, newly appointed warriors must sit silent vigil for one night after receiving their warrior name.

JULIAN: What is this man's enunciation?

WIZARD: I said silent vigil.

PAZ: There's little jokes. Little cat jokes.

WIZARD: Rule number seven, a cat cannot be named deputy without having mentored at least one apprentice.

PAZ: What is this? Aw.

JULIAN: Aww.

PAZ: Aw, look at little Cloudkit.

[boing boing]

LIZ: Oh no.

WIZARD: Rule number eight, borders must be checked and marked daily.

JULIAN: Are they gonna show the piss? Nope.

PAZ: Just gonna move past that one, huh?

WIZARD: Rule number nine, no warrior may neglect a kit in pain or in danger.

[mew]

WIZARD: Even if that kit is from a different clan.

[mew]

JULIAN: He skipped the fascism rule.

WIZARD: Last and most important, rule number 10.

PAZ: He did!

WIZARD: A warrior rejects the soft life of a kittypet.

[mew]

PAZ: Hold on. Who is this man?

WIZARD: What are you doing? I said a warrior rejects the soft life of a kittypet.

LIZ: He's David Attenborough.

PAZ: What is this-- this is an incredible old wizard voice, but what?

WIZARD: Never mind. We will continue in our training tomorrow.

[jaunty music]

LIZ: This is like a 90s movie wizard.

JULIAN: This is official. Copyright HarperCollins.

PAZ: No, yeah, this is official.

LIZ: Wow.

PAZ: Who is this?

LIZ: This is on YouTube. We should post it.

JULIAN: Oh my god.

PAZ: Yeah, once the episode is out. I wanted some credits on that to know who that was.

JULIAN: I know.

PAZ: Wow.

LIZ: How do I leave this stream?

JULIAN: I feel like that man was about to ask me to like, [creaky voice] only your strongest potions.

PAZ: [equally sing-song voice] You must collect the sacred artifacts to...

LIZ: [like they stepped straight from Zelda] I see you've gotten trapped in my maze.

PAZ: --revive magic in the world. My wizard maze.

JULIAN: Link, you're not ready for that sword yet.

PAZ: I'm laughing so much I'm sweating.

LIZ: Young warrior, I see you have not pissed everywhere today. Ooh, you know what that means.

[laughter]

PAZ: Oh god. Oh my God, there's no way to find out who that was. There's not even comments on this article.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: That was just, that was the voice of God.

LIZ: That's what StarClan sounds like.

JULIAN: That's the voice of StarClan all together.

PAZ: That is what StarClan sounds like.

LIZ: Every night Bluestar goes to sleep and it's just like [wizard voice] mm. Almost got assassinated again, I see. Mm, you really...

PAZ: I don't even know what we were talking about. That wiped my mind clean.

JULIAN: It was Longtail.

PAZ: Whoo. Oh my god.

JULIAN: Apparently, these were-- I looked on the wiki, the actual wiki, and these rules were revealed in Secrets of the Clans, the first sort of guide book.

PAZ: Oh, I have that book. I should go look.

JULIAN: But that said that was like-- yeah, it's like 2007.

PAZ: Yeah, that came out I think after the first series had finished, maybe.

JULIAN: Some retconning.

PAZ: Oh boy. Why did he skip the fascism rule? Why is the wizard afraid of this? You can't hide your sins. I don't know. What were we talking about? Murder attempt number two.

JULIAN: We were talking about Longtail being honorable while saving Fireheart racistly.

PAZ: I don't even know if that was in the warrior code, actually, that like protect your clanmates. I don't think that was there.

JULIAN: Yeah, I guess it's the bit about like defend your clan.

PAZ: Yeah, maybe. Just, woof. Took it out of me.

JULIAN: Absolutely brain blasted.

PAZ: Fireheart wondering what the next murder attempt will be is very funny.

JULIAN: God. At least he'll be on his guard now, I hope.

PAZ: Yeah, I'm like, I hope like now you won't dismiss your thoughts like maybe they're gonna murder me. Maybe you should just be like, yeah they're gonna murder me. But he's like, next time Tigerclaw would make sure he did not fail. I'm like, damn. Maybe you should tell someone.

Not Graystripe, because Graystripe will be like, that's not my problem. He said that, like, two books ago. I think it was literally like, if you're doing anything about Tigerclaw, don't involve me. Fireheart's gonna be like, Graystripe, I almost got killed, and Graystripe will be like, okay, I'm gonna go see my gf. Bye.

JULIAN: Maybe he should go talk to Ravenpaw again.

PAZ: Right?

JULIAN: They can commiserate.

PAZ: Yeah, now they're buddies in almost being murdered. [sighs] Okay, Tigerclaw also attempted to murder Ravenpaw at least two times, because he sent him to snake hell. And then he tried to push him into traffic. There was probably more, but those are the two I remember.

JULIAN: Oh, poor Ravenpaw.

PAZ: Poor Ravenpaw. Also glad he got away from all this. Sandstorm being worried about Fireheart in the next scene is cute.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's sweet. The report to Bluestar is like, hey, Bluestar?

PAZ: Yeah, she sucks.

JULIAN: She's like, oh, Starclan will be angry if we don't try to find a dry route. And it's like, Fireheart very clearly almost drowned.

PAZ: And she also like, scolds him for that.

LIZ: Wow, I can't believe you almost drowned. That's very unprofessional.

JULIAN: She doesn't want to have to pay out workers comp.

LIZ: Oh, every day she becomes more and more of a girlboss. It breaks my heart.

JULIAN: It's so sad.

PAZ: Girlbossification.

LIZ: Yellowfang, it's not too late to find another wife.

PAZ: Truly.

LIZ: There's gotta be another old gray cat somewhere.

JULIAN: She and Dappletail, maybe.

PAZ: What was that-- is it Graypool is the old cat in RiverClan?

JULIAN: Oh yeah.

PAZ: She seems great.

JULIAN: Yeah, they're both very crotchety. I think they'd get along.

PAZ: I think that'd be great. I'm in support of it.

JULIAN: Although that would be double forbidden.

PAZ: Yeah, but we know Yellowfang is already a pro at that.

LIZ: She loves another forbidden MILF.

PAZ: There's another really cute turn of phrase where Yellowfang sees drowned Fireheart, and she's like, "great Starclan, you look like a squirrel that's fallen out of a tree. What happened to you?"

LIZ: Aw. Do these cats climb trees?

PAZ: Yes.

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: Right? They do, don't they?

PAZ: Yes, they do. What are you talking about?

LIZ: I mean, I've never-- have we ever seen it?

PAZ: You mean in the books?

JULIAN: I guess we haven't seen it in the series.

LIZ: Yeah, I know cats in general climb trees.

PAZ: Oh, okay.

LIZ: But I mean, do these cats climb trees?

PAZ: Well, Liz, don't you remember from the very first episode SkyClan? Their very powerful lights for climbing trees.

LIZ: Oh, true, true. Foolish of me.

PAZ: So maybe it's like an exclusive ability, just like RiverClan can swim.

LIZ: You're right.

PAZ: Cute Cinderpaw and Yellowfang content. When Yellowfang asks Cinderpaw to be her apprentice, finally, she's like, you're the only cat I can stand. It's very cute, like old lady loves new daughter.

JULIAN: Yeah, and like Cinderpaw's reaction to her praise is like really, really-- the whole interaction is like... Yellowfang's like, oh, you're a really smart learner and like I see so many stupid cats that it's really nice.

PAZ: Yellowfang's like, I'm surrounded by idiots constantly. Thank God you're here, Cinderpaw.

JULIAN: And Cinderpaw sort of interrupts her to thank her, and Yellowfang is like, be quiet. I haven't finished.

PAZ: I love Yellowfang so much.

JULIAN: Oh, it's so good. And like, you know, I still don't.... I still wish that Cinderpaw had had more choices. But like, I am glad that she has something that she's excited about.

PAZ: Yeah, she's like-- for some reason I thought she was like, more forced into it, like in the sense of like her character being unwilling than she is. She's genuinely excited here. But I think I was just thinking of Jaypaw and the Power of Three. I must have just been mixing that up. But I'm glad she's hyped for it.

JULIAN: Yeah. And like, I also-- I don't know if I'll be eating my words later, but when they're like, oh, you have to make the journey to the Moonstone, no one is like, oh, she can't do it.

PAZ: Yeah, I was really worried they were gonna say something. And it was just like no, whatever.

LIZ: Yeah, like, as an individual thing for her, and like as the first instance of this happening, it's like not as terrible as I was expecting, because you know, she is excited for it, which is nice, because there's so much like in her earlier scenes about how she felt like, you know, insecure and stuff.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's really nice to see her like, confident and like-- both confident and competent.

PAZ: And it was like a sweet scene at the end of the chapter where the whole clan is happy about it and seemed very like confident in her being a good medicine cat, presumably because she's just been doing that already.

JULIAN: Even Tigerclaw goes up to her and congratulates her.

PAZ: It's so funny.

LIZ: Even-- listen, even terrible evil guys need doctors eventually.

PAZ: That's true, yeah.

LIZ: He's thinking about his healthcare plan.

PAZ: You really can't get on your doctors'-- can't get on your two doctors' bad side.

JULIAN: I don't remember. Has Fireheart ever had a conversation with Yellowfang about Tigerclaw being absolutely awful?

PAZ: I can't remember, either. I feel like there might have been something where Yellowfang was like, yeah, he seems kind of like bad news. But I'm not sure if he's ever told-- I don't think he's told everything to Yellowfang. I don't know. Which he should. Yellowfang's like way more reliable than Bluestar.

JULIAN: Also she's seen this kind of thing before.

PAZ: Yeah, exactly. She knows evil cats. She can also talk to ghosts, you know. That'd probably be helpful. She could call up Redtail and be like, yo.

JULIAN: What's good?

PAZ: Give me the details.

JULIAN: Yeah, I don't have anything else for these. Sorry, Liz?

LIZ: Oh sorry, I was just saying what we should cover next, because I wasn't sure if my audio was working.

PAZ: You were posting something about the naming styles Fanlore article, right, Julian?

JULIAN: Oh god, yeah.

[meow]

I like found a-- I was looking on Fanlore for Warrior Cats stuff, obviously, because I wanted to see if there was any ancient drama. Did not find any ancient drama, probably because Fanlore is--

PAZ: I know there has to be, though.

JULIAN: I know there is some. I think Fanlore like skews towards such particular fandoms and like particular fandom circles that like--

PAZ: Yeah, it's also like, I feel like a lot of ancient drama in Warriors fandom is between like 13 year olds, which is definitely a different brand of drama than like, whatever the fuck Cassandra Clare was doing.

JULIAN: But there's a whole article about fan naming styles in Warrior Cats.

LIZ: God. Thank God.

JULIAN: So it goes over sort of the naming convention in canon. And then the controversy is between traditionalism and lyricalism.

LIZ: Oh my God.

PAZ: What an incredible name for that. We know where Peyton is.

JULIAN: God. Yep. We sure do. Yeah. Shall I read some of this?

PAZ: Please.

LIZ: Please.

JULIAN: Alright. "Traditional naming. Traditionalism attempts to introduce structure and reason to the canon naming system, which many fans feel contributes to more satisfying and nuanced world building overall." Also, I just want to say, there are no like citations for any of this.

PAZ: Oh no. Nope.

JULIAN: "Prefixes in traditional systems will almost always refer to the dominant color of a cat's pelt, although some traditionalists will also accept prefixes that only refer to a cat's size."

PAZ: This is so constrictive.

JULIAN: "Prefixes may refer to a cat's history or namesake only if the cat is the right color for the prefix."

LIZ: What?

JULIAN: "Eg, a cat born in a storm could only be given the prefix Storm if they were predominantly gray."

PAZ: God.

JULIAN: "Prefixes may also imply other details of a cat's appearance or coloration when possible. Eg, a cat called Weasel might have a white belly, a cat called Tiger may be a tabby, a cat called Ant might be small."

PAZ: Ant.

JULIAN: "Although most traditionalists won't refer to eye color, as kittens' eye colors have not yet developed when they are named."

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: Damn.

JULIAN: [sighs] "Prefixes must be specific enough to imply a color, although some ambiguity is allowed and usually inevitable to create a long enough list of workable prefixes. Flower is too general, as flowers can be almost any color, but Daisy could refer to either a white or golden cat and is perfectly acceptable."

PAZ: That's great. Great to know.

LIZ: [sighs]

JULIAN: Touches ground. Something happened here.

PAZ: "Suffixes, where possible, recognize a cat's skills or positive personality traits. Suffixes are given from a list of fixed, recognized meanings within a setting. Eg, a creator might decide that foot always refers to a fast runner. These are generally derived from symbolism and associations of a suffix. Eg, tail is to recognize agility, as cats use their tails for balance." I don't-- are we sure about this? I don't think the Erin Hunters were giving it this much thought.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: "Cats may be given neutral suffixes if their skills or personalities aren't described by a suffix on the list, eg, fur, pelt." Yeah. "Or else they may be given suffixes that further describe their appearances, eg, stripe for a tabby, face for an attractive cat." Graystripe is Graystripe cause he doesn't have any skills or personality. There we go. Had to get that out.

JULIAN: God.

PAZ: "Taken together, a traditional name will be given a snapshot of the cat in question, eg Nightclaw may suggest a black cat skilled at fighting, Poppycloud may suggest a red cat with a calm demeanor." [snorts] Here's a paragraph about how you can rename a cat for their disability. Great stuff.

LIZ: [disdainfully] Mm.

JULIAN: There is, you know, "traditionalists generally agree that these renames should always be done with the intention of honoring the cat, ie, recognizing the strength required to survive and recover from such a debilitating injury, and should always be done with the cat's full consent."

PAZ: It should be.

LIZ: Why not let the cat do it? Hey.

PAZ: I agree.

LIZ: Why do you have to be like, may I have permission to rename you?

JULIAN: Also like if you're-- you as the author cannot get consent from your character.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Yeah, there is-- I did notice a paragraph further up outside of the two camps which says, "in some cases, cats who have sustained injuries causing them to become physically disabled after birth are given new names to reflect their disability. Canon is inconsistent about whether naming cats for their disability is considered demeaning, and the tradition has lately been dropped after the first arc."

JULIAN: Yeah. Yeah, good.

LIZ: Okay, that's good to hear.

PAZ: Good. It should be, because it's weird as hell.

LIZ: It's like, you don't-- why would you rename-- like what if your name was just like, Brownpelt. Do you stop being Brownpelt? I don't think so.

PAZ: It's so weird. I think there's a real bad rename that happens in the first series that we're gonna get to.

LIZ: Oh no.

PAZ: Yeah, back to the traditionalists. "Traditional naming began as an attempt by fans to understand and headcanon naming conventions in the first arc. As such, strictly traditional names only use suffixes found in the first arc, and will sometimes only use plant or animal prefixes if they can be found in the first arc's English setting. However, many fans will choose to add additional suffixes they enjoy, or will use different prefixes that reflect their clan or clans being set in a different location." Oh my god, there's a whole list.

JULIAN: I know-- this list. I want to skip down to the one right after, because I want to go to this list, but the next sentence. "Traditionalist fanworks using canon characters will often rename cats in order to better reflect their appearance, personality, and/or skills."

PAZ: What?!

LIZ: What?!

JULIAN: "Or will sometimes tweak characters to better fit their names."

PAZ: They leave--

JULIAN: What.

LIZ: Why?!

JULIAN: What level of like absolutely wild are you on?

PAZ: Oh my god, this is just people being like, no, I know better than the authors on how to name these cats. Oh my god.

JULIAN: So the link here for traditional naming guidance links to a Tumblr blog. The title of this is Hallowed Collection of Suffixes.

LIZ: What?!

PAZ: That sounds like a Dark Souls like item.

JULIAN: And there's like 15 of them. There's only 15 suffixes that you can have.

PAZ: Yeah, cause that's all that was in the first series, I guess.

LIZ: Oh my God. Hallowed Collection of Suffixes is also a FATT faction, just saying.

PAZ: There are some external links, I guess, as their like citations. Here are three articles mentioned. One, "The guidelines." Next one, "On why some names are untraditional, and the history of traditionalism."

LIZ: Oh my God.

PAZ: And then the last one, "Traditionalism is a spectrum."

LIZ: Oh, I've got to click on it, I'm sorry. Goodbye.

PAZ: This is the same blog.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Yeah, these are all from the same blog.

PAZ: Oh my god, this is so long.

JULIAN: I want so badly to know who this person is who runs this blog. "All anonymous askers are referred to affectionately as Ruddles, which is another word for a marigold plant."

PAZ: What?

JULIAN: "Do not be alarmed by this please. It is an old in-joke." What's happening here?!

LIZ: What is happening.

PAZ: How old is this blog? Oh, they link their writing blog.

LIZ: Oh God, last post was from this month.

PAZ: [shuddering] Oh God.

LIZ: We can't be here.

JULIAN: The traditionalist thing was first posted in 2012 about Traditionalism is a spectrum.

PAZ: Oh my god, this is ancient.

JULIAN: But like this person has been doing this at this point for almost 10 years.

PAZ: They got a PhD in Warrior Cats names.

JULIAN: Here's a database system where you can put in your name and it'll tell you if it works.

PAZ: What? Where? Link it.

JULIAN: Um, so it says it's busted.

PAZ: Oh no.

JULIAN: Because of Tumblr.

PAZ: I wanted to put in like canon cat names from later series and see how badly they were rated.

JULIAN: Well, it says you can access it via the Wayback Machine. So I want to see if it still works via the Wayback Machine.

PAZ: Please let me know.

JULIAN: Here's the Wayback Machine. I am going to put in Kip Jazzman.

LIZ: Oh my God.

JULIAN: Or just Jazzman.

PAZ: Jazzman.

JULIAN: Space between the prefix and suffix of the name you are entering. "The name reader doesn't recognize this prefix."

PAZ: [snorts]

JULIAN: It also does not recognize this suffix.

LIZ: Noo.

JULIAN: Let's try Chickpea. Also no.

LIZ: But it's nature.

PAZ: Try putting in like Jayfeather.

JULIAN: Okay, I just put in Fireheart. "This cat has a ginger pelt. This cat is self confident and determined and will do whatever they believe is right."

PAZ: That's true.

JULIAN: That is correct. Oh, it doesn't recognize the suffix feather.

PAZ: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You can't just go off the first series because Bluestar only have like five names.

LIZ: Yeah, Bluestar didn't have a whole database. You think back in 2003 or whatever fantasynamegenerators.com was available to her?

PAZ: No.

LIZ: Also sorry, I'm just clicking around the FAQ, and I've gotten to "would a polydactyl cat get a name change name?"

PAZ: What? They're born with those toes.

LIZ: "In most cases, polydactyl cats would not be given a name change name. Extra toes would not be very unusual in the clans."

JULIAN: I mean, that is true. It's pretty common.

LIZ: It is.

PAZ: Yeah, but also why would they get a name change when they-- you don't get more toes. You're born with those toes. Unless a wizard cursed you.

[laughter]

JULIAN: Oh, I'm really afraid to hear what this person thinks about gender and sexuality.

LIZ: Oh no.

PAZ: Oh no.

JULIAN: I don't want to know.

PAZ: Oh no.

LIZ: Let's just talk about the wizard.

PAZ: Oh, I'm morbidly curious.

LIZ: [wizard voice] Fireheart, for your bravery, I will reward you.

PAZ: That's who that narrator was, the toes wizard.

LIZ: [wheezing too hard to continue the voice] Bloop bloop bloop, here you go.

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: Bye everyone, I'm done.

PAZ: Let's go lyrical naming.

JULIAN: Yeah, let's--

PAZ: The poets of Warrior Cat fandom.

JULIAN: "Lyricism rejects the strict rules of traditionalism and instead prioritizes aesthetics and individuality, which many fans find creatively freeing. Unlike traditionalism, there are no set rules that constitute whether a prefix or suffix is allowed. Some lyricists will still prefer to support the idea of a prefix suggesting a cat's appearance, but others will support prefixes that instead allude to a cat's history, or simply to a word that the namer likes.

Suffixes will sometimes suggest a cat's skills or personality, but the meaning of a suffix will change on an individual basis, and they will just as often allude to a cat's history, a namesake, or simply a word that the namer finds pleasing paired with the prefix. A good lyrical name is typically defined by its flow, aesthetic value, and use of evocative imagery, although judgment of these qualities tends to be subjective."

PAZ: This is just about vibes, which I support.

JULIAN: "Some fans differentiate between substyles of lyricism. More naturalist or low lyricism tends to reject names that the fan finds outlandish or silly, that reference objects that cats wouldn't know about, or that use words the cats consider sacred, such as star and moon in a canon setting.

More unbridled or high lyricism tends to allow virtually anything, as long as the fan finds them pleasing or pretty, and also encompasses fans who create deliberately silly names for the sake of humor. Naturalist or low lyricism essentially follows the style used by the Erin Hunter team in canon, especially in later arcs, when they started prioritizing using new and unique combinations of names."

PAZ: I'm starting to think Peyton is a low lyricist.

LIZ: Maybe, yeah.

PAZ: Cause Peyton just had issue with like you know, sacred words, objects they wouldn't know about. Wow. Sorry for thinking you were the most strict someone could be.

JULIAN: Yeah, I had no idea that you could get stricter, but here we are.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Peyton, I'm so sorry.

PAZ: We slandered you.

LIZ: We've seen the traditionalist side now.

PAZ: Yeah. It's scary.

JULIAN: [laughs] "Controversies and discussion."

LIZ: Oh boy.

PAZ: This just sounds like a theological debate. "Traditionalism and lyricism are born from opposing ideologies about how to interpret and develop the canon naming system, and as such they have a history of conflict."

JULIAN: Yeah, this is just Protestantism versus Catholicism.

PAZ: It really is. "Some fans struggle to understand how the opposing system to the one they prefer could be fun or satisfying to use. Lyricists will often claim that traditionalism is uncreative, boring, uncanonical, and puts its users in a constraining box, while lyricism is freeing, creative, and loyal to canon.

Traditionalists will often respond that traditionalism defines choices that are much more meaningful and creates opportunities for building depth in the world and character relationships. For example, a creator might worldbuild a history of how certain suffixes develop, or a character might try to develop the skills to earn a certain suffix so they can be named after someone they admire. While in turn, they do not understand how lyricists could use a system that is so undefined and could create such outlandish names."

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: Oh my god, the next paragraph.

JULIAN: "Due in part to the demographics of the fanbase."

LIZ: Noooo.

JULIAN: "These conflicts have often not been handled maturely."

LIZ: Wow. Ouch.

JULIAN: "And many fans can remember being belittled or harassed for their chosen naming system. Many fans can remember conflicts in which both parties would attempt to argue that their system was the one true naming system, and that the opposing system was lesser."

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: Wow. Ouch. Ouchie.

PAZ: This is so funny because the traditionalists, like, apparently-- like the first arc is their like Holy Bible. They won't hear anything else.

JULIAN: "Contemporary traditionalists generally accept that traditionalism is uncanonical, even in the first arc, but declare that they still prefer traditionalism to the canon system."

PAZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: You just made up a guy.

PAZ: You made up a guy, but there is a blog they are linking who is that guy.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Oh.

PAZ: "Certain worldbuilding trends can be observed between traditionalists and lyricists. Traditionalists are more likely to prefer more accurate genetics and a more grounded depiction of cat behavior, and will often prefer a limited or absent presence of magic that is similar to the first arc. Lyricists are more likely to embrace blatantly fantastical and supernatural elements, such as supernatural powers, ghosts, and wings." Fuck yes.

LIZ: Wings aren't supernatural.

JULIAN: I mean, they are on cats.

LIZ: They know what birds are.

PAZ: No, I think they mean the cats with wings.

LIZ: Oh. I forgot where we were.

PAZ: Yes, please. This was last edited five months ago.

LIZ: Oh my God, not soon enough. I want the updates.

JULIAN: This page has been locked.

LIZ: Oh no.

PAZ: Oh no. What happened?

LIZ: Something happened here.

PAZ: Can we look at the edits?

JULIAN: Or maybe it's just that I have been banned. I can't lock it because I don't have a log-- or I can't edit it because I don't have a login.

PAZ: Oh my gosh.

LIZ: Can we view edits on here?

JULIAN: Yes. Okay, this entire page-- this whole page was created in 2021.

PAZ: What?

LIZ: Oh my God, what?

JULIAN: Yeah, the whole page was created March 13. This is so recent.

PAZ: What?

LIZ: How?

PAZ: What made someone be like I have to make this now?

JULIAN: There's no edit summary.

PAZ: It was our podcast.

JULIAN: Who is this person?

PAZ: They heard our podcast and were like I won't stand for this.

JULIAN: This person likes Dimension 20.

PAZ: Oh. Maybe they did hear our podcast.

LIZ: Oh my god, there's a good chance.

PAZ: If you're the person who made this wiki page, thank you for cataloguing this. I didn't know this existed.

LIZ: This is important archival work.

PAZ: Sorry for being so willy nilly here.

LIZ: Listen, whoever made this page, don't listen to us. We're just a bunch of silly schmucks. We don't know anything. We're just flying by the seat of our pants.

PAZ: Truly.

JULIAN: Oh, the real thing is that reading this traditionalism shit is like, if I had known about this at age 12, I would have been unbearable.

LIZ: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

PAZ: Extremely funny.

JULIAN: Like I was already a little shit like sort of just to myself, mostly, and a little bit on the forums about people's name choices. But like if I had known that there was a whole canon, that there was a whole set of rules that people had made that I could follow, and that was very strict, and very minute and detailed. Ooooh.

PAZ: Meanwhile, I as a child was reading fanfic about cats with wings and like self-inserts getting turned into cats and being like tigers. You know, all that stuff. If we had met as children we would have been diametrically opposed.

LIZ: Enemies.

JULIAN: I was a child who really liked lists. Like, my main contribution to the Warriors fandom besides RPing was that-- I think I've talked about this before, but I like painstakingly went through the first arc and copied down all of the places where like medicine cat herbs were listed.

PAZ: Yeah, I think you did.

JULIAN: And like made a little Word doc of them for the person who was going to be my medicine cat apprentice, so that they could use the right herbs for the right situation. And then three months later Secrets of the Clans came out and it had like all of that in it.

LIZ: Oh my god. No, I feel you.

PAZ: Tragedy.

LIZ: I would have printed this out, punched holes in it, and put it in my binder.

PAZ: No, I don't think I was that kind of child. Wow, this has been very informative.

JULIAN: Yeah, I wish there were links to anything other than this one person's blog. But.

PAZ: This is a very new article, though.

JULIAN: This is brand new. Also I feel like a lot of these debates have been lost to the mists of time.

PAZ: God, yeah.

JULIAN: Because I imagine--

PAZ: I would love to find an archive of them.

JULIAN: Yeah, I imagine most of them happened on the Warriors forum, especially if they were happening like when the first books were coming out.

LIZ: There are a lot of 20 somethings out there that must have memories, though. It's all oral history.

PAZ: I wish we could put out a call. How do we reach the people?

JULIAN: I mean, we've seen traces of it, certainly.

PAZ: Yes, certainly.

JULIAN: Oh, it's so funny to me that like name writing was such a big thing in the fandom.

PAZ: Yeah, but I mean, I guess names are definitely important in the series. I mean, there's like every time there's a name change, it's like a big scene or something. So that makes sense.

JULIAN: I also think it gives 12 year olds an outlet to judge other 12 year olds, which is very important.

PAZ: It's essential.

LIZ: It's the most important part of being a 12 year old, which is character creation.

JULIAN: That is true.

PAZ: Well, I don't have anything else to add. This plus the wizard narrator really took it out of me.

LIZ: Sorry, I am looking at one of the linked articles on lyrical naming, which is "On naming lyrical substyles." Can I just tell you what the types are, cause they're very good?

PAZ: Yes, please.

LIZ: There is temperate, or moderate lyricism. Unbridled lyricism. Of course, high and low lyricism.

JULIAN: Where do you think, where does Hadesclipse fall?

LIZ: Unbridled. No restraints.

PAZ: Free as the wind. Deep from the heart.

LIZ: Nothing here but aesthetics, emotion. We were trying to evoke something.

PAZ: Homer would weep.

LIZ: There are some jokey, some little jokey examples here of names. One of them is Tomorrowbanana.

PAZ: That's not in good faith. I'm here to defend lyricists. They put thought into their names.

JULIAN: Yeah, like even a lyricist is gonna-- even when we came up with Hadesclipse, we wanted that name to reflect his personality.

PAZ: Yes, which is evil and goth.

LIZ: Tomorrowbanana is me waiting for my banana to ripen.

JULIAN: There's a link to a blog called Global Traditional, which makes me very afraid.

LIZ: It does make-- you can't call something traditionalism.

PAZ: Yeah, I just want to say, calling something traditionalism, kind of a bad vibe.

JULIAN: Yeah, there's some whistling happening there.

PAZ: Yeah, you can come up--

JULIAN: Some cat whistles.

PAZ: Cat whistles.

LIZ: Meows?

PAZ: You got to come up with a different word for that. Like, I don't know, like, structural. That's also a thing, but.

LIZ: It's less.

JULIAN: Formalism.

PAZ: Less like Nazi ideology.

LIZ: A subsect of literary formalism, which is Warrior Cats literary formalism.

PAZ: That's right.

JULIAN: Oh, okay, actually this is kind of nice. It looks like-- I found this blog on the Wayback Machine. And it looks like it was a blog of someone trying to come up with like traditionalist names but like for fics that took place in different parts of the world.

PAZ: Oh.

LIZ: Aw.

JULIAN: So like if you wanted to set your fic in like Kenya or something, you could like, have prefixes. It was like a resource for people to have prefixes that fit traditionalist whatever.

PAZ: That's a nice idea, I guess.

LIZ: Like native plants or something? That's cute.

JULIAN: Yeah, I guess.

PAZ: I guess like making a database when you're so strict, like that makes sense.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's just like lists of like different, like birds, and like other animals.

LIZ: That's pretty cute.

JULIAN: And like meanings that they might have for the cat or like colors or whatever.

LIZ: Okay, I think with that in mind, we should immediately make a cat name local to our areas of the world, please don't doxx us.

PAZ: Oh gosh. Okay.

JULIAN: Um.

PAZ: Give me a minute. But we gotta use those suffixes.

JULIAN: We got to use the traditional suffixes. Here, I can link you the thing from the Wayback Machine.

LIZ: Thank you. Thank you.

JULIAN: It's linking to Africa, but you can just click on North America.

PAZ: Oh, I was just gonna look up plants of nearby distinct ecosystem. Fern allies.

JULIAN: Panic grass?

LIZ: There we go. This cat has anxiety.

PAZ: I'm looking. Clammy azalea.

JULIAN: I love plant names. Nannyberry.

LIZ: Monkeyflower. Well, I'm done. Monkey hand tree, colloquially called Griff's wonder.

JULIAN: I think I also have one. Um, I need a suffix.

LIZ: Okay. I think I'm ready.

JULIAN: All right. Who wants to go first?

PAZ: You can.

LIZ: I'll go first. Um, anyway. As always, it's a secret where I live, please do not doxx me, but I am in California. You know, very small state, you'll be able to find me no problem. So my cat's name would be Succulenttail.

JULIAN: Oh, very good.

PAZ: Good.

LIZ: I'm not gonna take the obvious joke and make him like Weedpaw. This is a highbrow show. We don't take the easy bait. Succulenttail is a very dignified name.

JULIAN: I love him.

LIZ: Thank you.

JULIAN: Or them. So my cat is Asternose.

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: Oh, that is great. Very cute.

JULIAN: Um, and I looked up asters. I was just looking for native plants in Massachusetts, which I am. Which is where I am, no doxxing, and up came this plant, which is very pretty. It's a purple plant. So I think that means that my cat is purple.

LIZ: Aw.

JULIAN: If we're going traditionally. My cat is purple and good at smelling.

PAZ: Beautiful.

LIZ: Love that.

PAZ: Well, I was looking at plants in New Jersey, specific part of New Jersey. No doxxing. My cat will be Dodderstep. And dodder is a type of parasitic plant.

JULIAN: Oh shit.

LIZ: Oooh.

PAZ: This is a fucked up evil cat.

JULIAN: Oh, I love this.

LIZ: This is very good.

PAZ: Perhaps an assassin. Step, you know, very light. Very sneaky.

LIZ: I didn’t know you guys were being serious. Shit.

PAZ: We gotta honor the naming system.

LIZ: Okay, give me a minute. Give me two seconds.

PAZ: Okay.

LIZ: Bluegrass, wait, no. Beardtongue. Fuck! These are all real plants. Aw, there’s something called a lemonade berry.

JULIAN: Ooh.

PAZ: Yeah, I tried to avoid plants that were already in two-part names.

JULIAN: Yeah, there were a lot of really good ones that I was like, oh, I can’t use this.

LIZ: I can be… hmm. Poppypelt.

JULIAN: I mean, listen, I still like Succulenttail. I think it’s great.

LIZ: It sounds like some sort of dish you’d order like at a mountain man themed restaurant. I’ll be like Poppypelt.

PAZ: Cute.

LIZ: That sounds like a fun cheerful fellow. Gender-neutral.

JULIAN: Yeah, like a little speckly cat.

LIZ: Maybe orange. How often do you see a speckled orange?

PAZ: Not often. That was great.

LIZ: You may notice that--

PAZ: I love to name cats.

LIZ: Yeah. I don’t know, you guys may notice that we just keep making and naming cats. And we are building up to that RPG.

PAZ: That’s right.

JULIAN: In true Warrior Cats RP fashion, we have made a bunch of OCs and immediately forgotten about them all.

PAZ: You know.

JULIAN: And that’s tradition.

PAZ: If we do that RP, we should get some listener-sourced names.

JULIAN: Ooh, yeah, that’d be good.

PAZ: I would love to hear everyone’s names.

LIZ: Yeah, we will need 30 to 40 NPCs introduced in the first episode.

PAZ: That’s right. That’s right.

JULIAN: We gotta have factions.

PAZ: Our magic cat school. Okay, I don’t know. I think that’s it, maybe.

LIZ: What was that thing called again, the collection of suffixes?

JULIAN: Oh, the Hallowed Collection of Suffixes?

LIZ: Yeah, that’s the first faction. We’re set.

JULIAN: There we go, you’re right.

PAZ: That’s definitely some religious sect.

JULIAN: Yeah, they’re like trying to blockade Mothermouth so no one can talk to Starclan except them.

PAZ: Everyone’s asking, what if Warrior Cats was Dark Souls?

LIZ: It is. What do you mean, what if?

PAZ: Yeah, Yellowfang’s the old witch NPC.

LIZ: Starclan just sounds like the old lady NPC.

PAZ: Yeah, apparently. Well, I think that’ll do it for us, right?

JULIAN: I think so.

PAZ: All right. Thank you, everyone, for tuning in this week. Next week we’ll be reading chapter 18 through 20. Also, I was thinking of putting up a poll on the Patreon to see which special edition book we should do first.

LIZ: Ooh, yeah.

JULIAN: Ooh, yes.

PAZ: I think we’re gonna try and stick to pre-first series books to avoid spoilers, kind of. I’m sure there’ll be spoilers, but since it’s-- what’s the word-- canonically earlier in the timeline, maybe there won’t be as many. So look forward to that. You can support us on Patreon at patreon.com/staircast. We will try and get something up there soon. There’s just been traveling happening.

LIZ: Oh, was there?

PAZ: Yeah. You can find the show on Twitter @staircast. You can email us at [email protected]. Can’t remember if there’s anything else. I think we mentioned episode transcriptions last time, but they’re going up still. And I think that covers it for now. Until next time, may Starclan light your path. Bye.

JULIAN: Bye.

LIZ: Bye.

[outro music]

#ep 21 #transcript #forest of secrets ep #the hallowed collection of suffixes

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