#SUPER personal

[omniblades-and-stars]

Daisy's gonna get real with y'all for a minute.

I've been playing Mass Effect for a long fucking time. Since the second one came out in 2010. At the time, I was broke as fuck, living in my grandparent's basement, struggling with undiagnosed bipolar disorder.

I felt utterly powerless.

And I'm working at Gamestop part time, we got to check out games for free. I keep seeing this game, it's the second one in a series I've never heard of before. Everybody was all up Halo's ass still (no shade to Halo). But it's a sci-fi adventure with cool aliens in it.

I boot it up on my Xbox and create my character. She looks kind of like me, but I can't get the nose quite right, but that's okay.

And as I play, making all kinds of mistakes, I'm sure, I realize, people know her. They missed her. There's this pilot, he's kind of an asshole, but in the same way some of my friends are loveable assholes.

There's the doctor, and her laughter is so kind, it felt healing. Also, she's kind of hot. And funny.

I immediately go to get Archangel because that guy sounds rad as fuck from the dossier. And when he greets me, I just know, THIS, this is your ride or die friend. It's apparent in the banter. Like "Haha you jackass I love you." Kind of friends.

And it just keeps going. I feel less alone.

But as I'm playing as this incredible, powerful woman, I realize something else.

I feel powerful too. Or at least, I don't feel powerless. And that counts.

And I keep pushing through, even though life is awful. And it gets worse.

Surprise! Daisy, you're pregnant! Oh and look at that, it's twins!

I'm still broke as fuck, living in my grandparent's basement. My husband and I have been trying for years to find better jobs, but there's nothing but shitty part time, minimum wage work. The recession is technically over, but those of thrust into adulthood during those years know the truth.

In some way, it never ended.

It's 2012, after the Extended Cut for 3 is released, and I'm doing bad. It turns out undiagnosed and untreated bipolar disorder mix with post-partum depression about as well as bleach and ammonia.

My babies never sleep, so I don't either. I gave up on going to work. My husband has to work all the time when I'm awake so we can afford to live in our shitty apartment where someone was shot in the parking lot right outside my window. So I almost never see him.

Suicide is on my mind.

I feel alone.

I feel powerless.

My husband spent the money to buy me Mass Effect 3 for my birthday. And I boot it up.

There are all my friends! Hey guys, the world's kind of gone to shit, huh? I feel you, my world's gone to shit too.

I devour it.

I get to the end, and there's an option I didn't expect.

Synthesis.

And as EDI's dialogue cuts in for the epilogue, I'm already weeping because oh shit Shepard just died. But then EDI says, "I am alive, and I am not alone."

And all of the air leaves my lungs. I'm ugly crying at this point, alone in my living room, hunched over with snot all over my face and hands.

Because she's right.

I am alive. And I'm not alone.

My sweet, beautiful children are sleeping (for once) just in the other room. My husband is working himself literally to the bone because he loves us so much, he's not going to let us become homeless if he can help it. My aunt came by to surprise me and take me out to lunch for my birthday.

She didn't even know I had been contemplating taking my own life that morning.

I'm not alone. Sure, shit sucks. I've been destitute my entire adult life, I'm a college drop out, I haven't slept in months, we can barely make rent, my body is different now and I don't like it, but I'm still here.

Now, it's 2023.

And I'm still here.

#mass effect #n7 day #super personal #but i wanted to share #tw: suicidal ideation

[skoll-sun-eater]

December, Friday 13th 1940. Happy woulda been 83rd.

One of the few people who understood me and me her before anyone of our relatives ever knew what it was that made us 'different'. Most still will never know. My Mimma, acted as my mother and essentially my autistic bestie. Happy Birthday Grandma. Friday the 13th is a lucky day.

#super personal #personal #In memoriam #remembering

[ranuunculus]

la mayoria de mis amigxs no tienen tumblr y no lo van a leer pero no importa

significa mucho para mi que haya podido vivir esta etapa de mi vida con las personas a mi alrededor. no puedo creer que el salto hacia otra ciudad esta dentro de un año.. quiero usar mi blog como diario personal por un segundo y decir gracias a todos los que me acompañaron. al final si llegué a mi graduación y disfruté el camino

#sorry for the language barrier #i am not very open about my personal life but i can tell you this is about change #thank you all to all the people i met here too #i know in the future i’ll still be here #merry habla #super personal

[haroomata]

theres someone im lil intimidated by. cause she can be nice but also sometimes says real dark shit and im no fucking angel😭😭. and earlier it felt like she either wanted to have sex with me or kill me and im not even trying to be cute, babes

#personal #vent #rant #SUPER PERSONAL #TW INJURY #tw mention of death #the fact tumblr was failing wjen i needed to actually vent eselier #and not just shitpost #friend #i guess???

[aesthetically-appealingg]

4 weeks till I embark on literally the most challenging, enlightening, rewarding thing I will have ever done.

I feel privileged, anxious, excited, overwhelmed yet ready & grateful

God willing it goes better than I could ever dream & in 4 years I'll be Dr A!! (Psychologist) meee!? 12 Yr old me is in shock & awe rn

#me #personal #super personal #but this has been my doary for over a decade so feels wrong not to put this here #Dr A diaries

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Impact

It's still surprising to me how much one event or one person's behavior can impact me.

This week, I wrote again for the first time in months. New fiction. It was a shorter drought than the last one, and according to the beta readers I sent it to when it was in drafts, it's similar quality to my older stuff, but I was afraid before it came out a couple days ago that I'd never write again...again. Because of one person.

Last year, someone worked through nearly all of my old fictional long form work plus a couple of short stories. And they said they liked them. Lots of praise about them being emotionally evocative; about the characters feeling so real; about them fostering hope and a believe in real love; about me being a talented writer. The five years of writing leading up to that person reading the material during the worst bout of writer's block of my life had been spent letting people read my stuff with J's encouragement to get me over social anxiety and imposter syndrome that's really pretty raging. I was doing better. So much better that when this person gave me that praise, I believed them; I accepted it. It can't be overstated how rare that is. In fact, it may have been the second total time in my LIFE I accepted praise that didn't come from J without questioning it. And then I found out that a LOT of things this person told me over the past few years were lies. Or at least gross exaggerations. On top of them being mercilessly cruel to me at a very vulnerable time, these lies and/or exaggerations started feeding the Imposter Syndrome monster I'd starved for so long. Despite all the progress I'd made and support I have from J and beta readers who have become dear friends, it grew stronger and started telling me that since so much of what this person told me wasn't true, the praise about the writing wasn't either. And because the praise sounded like my actual friends' praise, then maybe that praise was dishonest too. Maybe I shouldn't write even when I can because I'm not any good at it. It's a waste of time. When I sent the drafts to the beta readers, as soon as I hit 'send', all I could think was that I'd just sent them a pile of flaming garbage; the worst thing I'd ever made; why was I letting them even look at it?

And then today, after hearing other people reassure me that my writing doesn't suck, I came here, and saw a friend's post that made me want to respond to it. But I'm afraid to respond to it. Because I don't want this person who lied and hurt me so much to know I'm here. I'm even afraid to privately reach out to the original post creator, because I don't already know them well. I'm afraid they could be connected to this person I don't want to find me.

So this one person has set my progress with Imposter Syndrome back about 5 years, and made me question my talent, and made me afraid to reach out to new people here on tumblr, something that used to be easier for me here than anywhere else. I'm doubting my skills and my safety. Because of this one person.

It's amazing the impact one person can have. I keep trying to tell myself that if one person can have this much negative impact, they can have this much positive impact too. Hopefully I've never made a negative impact like that on another person.

#super personal #this week has been crazy bad with social anxiety and imposter syndrome but I did write a novella in a day and half #so hopefully things are looking up #my writing

[wonderfulpain]

PINCHE ROLONONONONONÓN!

TE QUIERO MUCHO JUMBO!

#personal #super personal #gracias por esta claridad #música #hoy #jumbo #rolota #grandota #Youtube

[assortedfruitsnacks212]

Okay we’re about to get remarkably personal on main, but

How can I be expected to forgive, much less associate with, a parent who emotionally brutalized my husband SO THOROUGHLY that he’s isolated himself at home for the past year?

That’s a rhetorical question of course. I haven’t forgiven. Nor do I intend to associate with said parent anytime soon :) I’m just trying to wrap my head around the state of things.

Needless to say, the holiday season is gonna be reeeeal interesting this year.

#super personal #feel free to ignore #i just needed to fucking say it somewhere

[vera-dauriac]

Absolutely miserable day, but Eugene Onegin will fix everything, right?

#personal #mariusz will make it better #right? #i've got a lot going on #super personal #and sad #feel free to skip #my FIL died yesterday #it was very expected #but still sad #and my MIL has covid #and my covid test this morning was negative #but i'm miserably sick #but i finally ate a little something #and sitting sort of upright #so i put on EO #surely it will help #thanks for letting me whine if you made it this far

[bigjaws]

Just had my surgery today! I hope that this is the beginning of a pain-free life. The hardest thing right now is peeing, actually! 🥲 I have a lot of hopes for my reproductive system now!

#keis personals #super personal

[zeynatura]

While this post was written after watching ep 5 of Extraordinary Attorney Woo is more of a personal vent so feel free to ignore specially if you’re looking for something about the kdrama.

Oh no, this episode made me realize why i am so affected by the recent ‘fight’ i had with my friends.

Autistic people can’t lie, well i sure as hell can’t and my word was questioned by my friends yesterday, it all started with a small argument about the reason why i did something that is too long and too specific to share here, but it is or i thought was harmless.

The event happened months ago and my memory isn’t reliable so i don’t remember most of what happened back then, what i do remember was my logic behind what i did and so i told my friends the whole explanation of what the thoughts running through my mind at the moment where and why i did what i did. And i was expecting my friends to just accept my reason and let it go but no, they were insisting that the reason was a different one.

And at first i was too taken aback because how would they know my reasons of doing things better than me? Seems impossible, right? Unless there were evidence that supported their claim but what i did (and i know this sounds suspicious as heck but believe me if you knew what i’m talking about you’ll think it’s stupid) left no evidence of what happened even less about why it happened.

So i asked them why they didn’t accept my reason and one of them told me that i’ve lied previously about some other topic so it wouldn’t surprise them to think i was lying again and another friend agreed. And that other topic is a technicallity, it’s about a specific term used for a specific action (again with the mystery, i know) my understanding of that term is different than that of my friends, so to me i don’t partake on what the term stands for but my friends think i do, and they know that our understanding of it is different and nobody went to go look up a definition of the term to reach a middle ground or something so everyone was kind of on their own, or more like they were on one side and i was on the other one. 

And it’s something like “skipping” and i think it only counts if i land on one feet while my friends think it counts if i land on both as well. So they think me saying i don’t skip as i land on both feet is lying, because they consider i do skip.

I told them again that our understanding for that one was different and wasn’t related to the discussion we were having at that second, and that same friend said: but it does, because i know you lied before so now i can’t trust anything you say.

And that’s where my heart broke.

Firstly because that was news to me, secondly because nothing i say is gonna “fix” it, i can’t make them trust me with articulated thoughts.

I was and still am confused on why would they doubt me? why would they think i would lie? why would i lie about it? it doesn’t make sense, i wouldn’t lie about something i thought was trivial let alone if it was something serious. To me lying isn't an option, i forget people can and do lie all the time.

I was completely speechless until i decided i had enough, i dont’t deserve to be treated this way and i’m about to cry, so i left, and i haven’t talk to them since.

And for the first time in a long while i felt lost, i didn’t know what to do, who to go to for counsel, because at moments like this i would have gone to my mom but she’s not here anymore, and the second best option would have been the friends i was running away from.

After that i just felt like a burden and didn’t want to bother anyone else so i just cried, and cried, for hours until i fell asleep.

Is not the first time i get into a misunderstanding with my friends but is the first time it has affected me this much, and partially is because i am in such a vulnerable state everything affects me x100, I was already a very sensible person now it’s worse.

I can’t help but wonder if all of this happened because i’m autistic and they’re allistic.

I still don’t know what to do, because i hate confrontations and i’m scared of loosing them, also i don’t think i can talk to them without crying and tomorrow we’ll have our dnd session and i am desperately distracting my mind from the issue by watching this kdrama but it indirectly reminded me of it and now i’m back to 0.

#super personal #tw death of a loved one #vent post #autistic #zeynatura #why would they trust their assumptions more than the word of a friend?

[sunnibits]

just out of curiosity bc some people I know with glasses can just go a few hours or a day without them and be chill but I need them on all the time or I’ll go crazy

#I know this is just purely dependant on how disabled you are but like. making polls is fun #personally I don’t consider myself super badly nearsighted but like. if anything is literally more than a foot away from me it blurs #so going around without them would suck ass and probably give me a headache #sunny polls

[salamispots]

didn't get to boopin everyone but it was fun haha

#mhfghfg #artists on tumblr #purely personals #comics #sequential #super boop means a giant cat paw politely waits for you to smack it #and evil boop means a giant cat paw just smooshes you

[reallybadblackoutpoems]

secrets of farming (1863) - john w. large

"yeowch augh taking damage ough eurgh"

#sorry i havent been super active #have been dealing w personal and health issues etc #leave some good horror movies down below #or video essays #either one #we just closed the seagull #will forever be abnormal about that show #anyway! #blackout poem #blackout poetry #author #book #poetry

[kithj]

good games i've played on itchio lately:

please tell me you love me - chat with your guild members for the last time before the game's servers are shut down

GIRLKILLER (covet) - there is a girl who looks like you, and today you're going to kill her

cover me in leaves - stuck in your small hometown, you get your first tattoo. and then a few more, and more, and more

don't rock the boat - play through the different perspectives of a women's crew team as they are stalked by something in the water

GUTLESS - you are the captain of a deep sea vessel. your mission doesn't go well

so, about last night... - you wake up sick and weirdly hungry after hooking up with someone at a party. you spend the next night trying to find her.

close the window, my love - short bitsy poem about closing the window. sound on! this creator has a lot of short bitsy works i recommend.

there is a beautiful star - just a short, cute side scroller. lots of short, lighthearted games from them, definitely recommend for a mood booster.

#these are all p short except for so about last night gutless and rock the boat #still not super long tho #these are all on my itch page too but whatever lmfao #also cringe i feel so awkward writing descriptions but i dont really have a lot to say personally #except. Good Game 👍 #also sorry recommending gutless a second time sue me #i think girlkiller is my favorite atm... i like the ambiguity in that one and two different endings #games

[kopawz]

mario has to be informed on who chris pratt is, and is disappointed

#mario #super mario #like mario would try and be nice like *ohhhh i bet he is just starting out! we all start out that'sa ok!* #and luigi tells him that *mario. he has just been like this for two decades along with being a terrible person* #and mario does the game over sound effect and loses a life