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grapejuicestyless · 8 months

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Don’t Be A Stranger.

Conrad Fisher x fem!reader

Summery: To Conrad, you are all things good in his life. But, it doesn’t feel that way when he keeps you a secret.SHES A LONG ONE!!(perspectives will switch between Conrad, Belly and the reader.)

Conrad had many secrets. Ones he carried not because he didn’t have anyone to share them with, or to trust them with, but because he chose to keep them the way they were always meant to be, a secret. A silent fact that only he would know of. And to Conrad, that was y/n.

Conrad still remembers the day he met her. It had been the morning after a particularly rough storm. Branches and trash scattered along the shoreline, sand messed into piles. But in the mess, sat a girl. Quiet as a mouse, breath steady and face calm. Like the place around her was perfectly normal. She remained unbothered at the center of the chaos.

Her hair had been up, tucked behind her ears. Her top was thin and white, a silky button up that was hanging low on one of her shoulders. From what he could see, her bra strap was light blue, the same shade as her jean shorts. Conrad believed that he had never seen someone so beautiful, not even close to what he was seeing with her. Even in his tween years, he felt sure that he never would see someone that beautiful. But one thing stood out to him.

Looking down, taking her in fully, Conrad noticed that her feet, which were half buried into the warm sand, were still covered in her now stained white socks. Now, he was never one to judge. At least, not verbally. Conrad had his own fair share of oddities, he knew that as well as anyone else. But he couldn’t help but wonder why she didn’t just take them off.

Perhaps it was the fact that he wanted to have a reason to talk to her, searched for a reason to talk to her, or maybe it was pure interest. But something inside of him urged Conrad to approach the girl with her socks in the sand.

“Why don’t you just take your socks off?” His words weren’t mean, or teasing in the slightest. Every word that came out was from pure curiosity and interest. The girl simply shrugged at his question, eyes glued to the water.

“Didn’t feel like it.” Short, but straight to the point. Her lips pulling into a tight, downward slanted smile. Her answer caused Conrad to pull his eyebrows together. Nose scrunched and mouth parted.

“But it takes like three seconds to get them off? And they’re white and the sand might stain them…“ He found himself rambling. Something he never did. No, usually Conrad had very little to say. Only really showing his personality around the residents of the Cousins summer home. But really mainly just the moms, Steven and occasionally Jeremiah.

“Why do you want to see my feet so bad?” In his rambling, Conrad hadn’t realized the girl had turned her gaze to meet his face. One eyebrow slightly lifted up and her nose scrunched barely. Her eyes squinted to look at him through the bright sunlight behind him.

He blushed, feeling embarrassed, and the beach fell quiet again. The only sound the seagulls and the waves crashing into the shore.

The girl sighed, a playful smile spreading across her face. Her hand patted the sand beside her in a welcoming gesture. Her head nodding in approval.

Conrad was careful, sitting down cautiously beside the mystery girl. His body was tense and his eyes trying every hard to not sm get stuck looking at her. He didn’t want to come off too strong, or as a creep, at best. But she was so magnetic. It was like she demanded his attention.

“I didn’t mean to be mean.” Her voice was soft, but carried an undertone of certainty. One that asserted that she was sure in herself but was gentle about it.

Conrad looked at her then, sensing that it was fine to really look at her. When he did, he found her eyes already looking at him. Curious but also shifting. She came across shy, much more shy than she talked. Like their eye contact was physically hurting her.

“You weren’t mean.” He had reassured her.

“You were just curious. I mean, it is odd. Who wears socks in the sand?” She wiggled her feet playfully, making fun of herself. But it wasn’t degrading. She carried too much pride in herself to do that. She did it in a way that showed she meant her apology, and lifted the mood in it. A shared laugh sounding between them.

“I’m Conrad.” He held out his hand, chest still shaking with laughter. The girl took it, eyes directed to where they were now connected, avoidant of his eyes again.

“Y/n.” Her eyes found his, and the smile on her face showed maybe she wasn’t as afraid and shy as Conrad had assumed.

Their conversation that followed after the exchange further proved that. Y/n was complicated, but not in a bad way. She was shy, but prideful. She wasn’t cocky either, but also didn’t allow people to take credit for what she had done. She was genuine and honest. She wasn’t sorry for being her. Unapologetically herself in all ways, but knew how to apologize and mean it when it counted. She was reliable but leaned more towards an introverted life. She hated large groups of people, but loved them when she knew everyone well enough. She didn’t have many friends, but she loved the ones she had like a family. Y/n hated the feeling of her hair on the back of her neck in the summer because she claimed it stuck too much to her skin and made her feel gross. But she loved it in the winter because she thought it made her look better. Conrad couldn’t have disagreed more. Even only seeing her hair up, he decided for her that there was no way she could’ve worn her hair that would’ve made her less attractive. She was perfect to him.

It had been years since that morning. Years and still, the pair found time for each other every night. Meeting in the same spot as where they met when the clock neared midnight. Y/n slipping from her bedroom window and Conrad the back door into the darkness of the night. Their meetings innocent, but secret. The two of them enjoying the bond that was only for them to know.

They spent hours out there, laughing and whispering dirty jokes and juicy secrets like young children gossiping on the playground after lunch. Their butt prints left behind in the sand the only evidence that they had been there. And the day would go on, everyone in their lives unknowing of who the other was, and what they were doing every night.

“And don’t get me started on Jo and Laurie. They were always meant to be platonic and I do not understand the argument that they could’ve been more! If-“ I cut off her ramblings with a laugh. Hearing the shy girl so passionate about something so random was so refreshing. Y/n often did this. She would find something she really liked. Whether it be a book, a movie or even only something that had been said weeks ago, she would find a way to make it known how she felt about it. A habit that grew more passionate the longer we knew each other. It was something she could find herself to get lost in. Just expressing to me how much she loved certain things. It made me feel special, important. Loved.

“And-uh…” My laughter seemed to throw Y/n’s rant off track, her mind losing its train of thought. She blushed, realizing how long she had been talking about one of her favorite books at the moment, my laughter triggering her own. Each word becoming messier and messier until it was only a laughing fit between the two of us.

“Continue.” My lips curled into a smile, eyes bright. She was sat in front of me, legs crossed over each other and pulled into her chest. Her arms were tight around her calves and her head that was once stretched upward in a daydreaming kind of way was now rested on her knees. Her eyes squinted and her teeth showed, pure happiness written all over her.

A beat passed. My foot was starting to ache from being tucked beneath my body, my other leg stretched out in front of me. Bent so I could rest my arm on my knee. The slight discomfort and shifty positions all signs that that night was ending soon.

I felt her fingers pass over mine. Touches feathery and light. Eyes never once leaving mine. I let her press her palm flat against mine, her thumb wrapped around the back of my hand, my thumb gently rubbing the back of hers.

“What?” I asked, seeing how amused she looked, how happy she was.

“Nothing. Can’t a girl be happy?” Playful as ever. I sighed contently.

“No, of course. You just seemed…I’m not sure.” I took in her face once more. I wished I had a camera in that moment. I would frame this moment in my room, make it my lock screen. Anything to cement it further into my life. So it wouldn’t just be something left in my mind. More than just a ring memory. Something I could hold.

Her hand pulled out of mine. I tried to clamp down on her hand, stop her from slipping away. I loved the way her fingers slotted between mine. How warm her palm was against mine. How my hand swallowed her whole. Still, she managed to escape, flopping dramatically onto her back and throwing her arm over her eyes to really exaggerate it.

“It’s just so beautiful out!” Her arms shot up, fingers stretched to the sky. Eyes bright with wonder and the reflections of the stars.

Like you.

I didn’t say it, but I should’ve. The stars were so beautiful tonight, that was true. But the girl I proudly called my best friend made them look dull next to her. Instead of speaking, I only laid next to her, hands intertwined and laid on my chest. I relaxed into the earth.

“This might just be the brightest they’ve been all summer.” She expressed. I turned my head to face her. Y/n turned to face me hearing the sand shift and our noses almost touched. I watched intently as her nose scrunched, lips drawn together in a tight smirk.

“Not as bright as you.” I meant what I said, but the way I said it made it come out as a joke. Something unserious, something light. And I watched as she took it that way. Though, a blush still did find its way to her cheeks, her hand pushing at my shoulder and a small groan of fake disgust emitting from her throat.

“Stop.” We laughed for the millionth time, looking back to take in the sky. The silence that overtook us was comfortable, still and calming.

“I wish summer would never end.” Y/n confessed. I nodded, feeling the same exact way. Not only because the warmth and the ocean was a nice sight, but because I had her next to me throughout it all.

…

A kick to my shoulder is what woke me up. Sand stuck in all the wrong places and my body aching with sleep. Everything felt drier that usual. Lips chapped and eyes aching in tiredness. The sun was high by now, the birds singing and the seagulls screaming over the soft melodies of the other ones.

It took me a second to register what was happening, where I was. It wasn’t until the second kick that I finally peeled my eyelids back and blinked until the blurriness faded behind the sleep stuck in the corners of my eyes.

“Dude, get up.” I groaned, swatting at whoever decided to wake me up so early. It was cold, I decided. Hands reaching by my sides to yank at the softness of any blanket around, only to be met with mounds of sand falling under my hold.

“What the fuck..” I whispered, still loopy. My eyes processed I was outside minutes ago, the sky and the water just feet away a clear sign that I was not within the confinements of my own room. However, it wasn’t until the discomfort of sand sticking underneath my nails and the feeling of it in mass amounts on my palms that my mind caught up to my vision.

My heart raced, and my head turned. There, just mere inches was the girl I spent each night with. Her back facing my face, hair falling messily from her braid and shorts riding up her thighs. Her skin was warmer, in the sun. I never really saw it closely. All interactions outside of our designated time frame from afar or short. Now I could see it. How the sun had made her glow even more so than before. How tiny freckles covered more than just her cheeks, and how beautiful she was in a brighter light.

“CONRAD!” This voice was much deeper in pitch than the original, and the kick was harder than the first few. One that had jolted me up, hand cradling my ribs to aid to the now fading pain.

I scratched at the back of my head once more, shaking out the sand and rubbing the sleep away with the firmness of my knuckles.

In the sand next to me, the sun cast three shadows. Two males and a girl. Silhouettes I could recognize from miles away. Even without any details other than the blackness. With a hand held out above me to guide the sun out of my eyes and a few more blinks, I felt sure it wasn’t my imagination. No, because above me stood the three people I wished I hadn’t seen. Jeremiah, Steven and Belly. All wearing different expressions on their faces.

To start, Jeremiah wore a almost disgusted look on his face. One that suggested he believed I was outside next to a girl for dirtier reasons. Stevens similar in that sense, yet his face was more of a proud smirk. One that led me to believe he was celebrating the idea. Belly’s expression, however, showed one of mixed emotions. She looked the most confused, a little more lost even. But in her eyes there were undertones of sadness, hurt. Betrayal. Even though it was clear we would never be more than friends, her maturity lacking and her attitude developing the prettier she got, she always believes something could happen. Probably because I never gave her a straight reason to my dismissive attitude and constant, “no’s.” But how do you explain to someone how your heart only knows how to love someone else. Someone she hadn’t even known existed until now. Someone you’d been hiding for years? You don’t. You just hope one day she’ll understand.

She was the first to break the silence. One so awkward and heavy it could be cut through with a knife. Clearing her throat she motioned to the girl beside me. I felt too scared in the moment, to look at her. Too shy to introduce her. It wasn’t that I didn’t want them to know her. I wished everyone knew her like I did, I think everyone would love her just as I do. But jealousy is a disease, and even the thought of having to share her made me seethe with it.

“Y/n.” The sound of shuffling made my head snap back, eyes wide. She was awake. How long was she awake for? Did she see the looks on their faces like I had? Did she care?

I watched her run out the sleep from her eyes just how I had done to mine. Her fingers swiping delicately underneath her waterline to wipe away any mascara that had smudged. Even sleepy and sore, she looked like an angel.

“Y/n…” Jeremiah bit his lip in thought, trying to recall if he’d ever heard the name before. He came up short, it sounded unfamiliar. Shaking his head, Jeremiah looked to the others to see if they had any clue.

“Oh…” Steven let out a drawn out, overdramatic sigh. “You’re the girl from the gift shop. Down by the board walk!” I lifted a brow at Y/n, she seemed just as confused.

“You were so quiet, the cashier had to ask you to speak up like five times!” He hadn’t meant it in a mean or sarcastic way, Steven never did. He just came across that way, and it was no exception this time. I could see it, how the redness overtook her face, eyes flicking down to her hands were her fingers laced together and tangled. She nodded, not too sure about herself. I could read it.

“Yep.” She popped her “P” awkwardly, still avoiding Stevens eyes.

“Okay, so what are you doing down on the beach at seven in the morning with her?” Belly spoke up, eyes flicking between us. I felt her gaze burning my skin. She tried to look like she didn’t care, but the way she was examining the two of us for any marks or hints that we had done what they had expected happened showed otherwise.

“We…uh…” I stumbled over what I wanted to say. I didn’t want them to go on believing something had happened when it hadn’t. Especially if it could make Y/n uncomfortable. But even more than that, I wanted to keep these secret rendezvous just what they were. A time where we could just be us and let the world continue to be oblivious to us like it had always been.

“It was my idea. I love the stars so, Conrad started looking at them with me. We just fell asleep last night, that’s all.” She sounded almost nervous, but that was only to me. Anyone who didn’t know her would think she sounded calm. But I noticed the shake in her voice. How her lip trembled for a second after she’s finished getting everything out. She said it quicker and quieter than she usually did with me, all things only I would pick up on.

The confusion turned to utter shock, even Belly losing the jealous look and fighting a gasp from escaping. Though Y/n hadn’t explicitly stated that this was something that had been going on for awhile, everything about the situation alluded to it. Their mouths remained stuck open, stuttering.

Maybe it was because even though we had both been adamant about what the boundaries of our friendship was, and clear in the fact that we were nothing more than that, they still suspected there was something more.

“I’m…I better get home before my mom freaks out again.” Y/n was quick to wipe the sand from her jeans. Anything that was in her hair long gone from her shaking it out throughout the conversation. Her legs looked stiff, probably from sleeping on the beach for so long, and her eyes weren’t fully open still.

“Yeah, I’ll drive you.” I was quick to my feet, not bothering with the sand like she had. A snicker reached my ears, soft enough I was sure Y/n hadn’t heard it, but loud enough for me to turn to glare at the three who were sure to be gossiping about this when we left.

Even when the distance between us grew so big that they became nothing more than tiny specks of darkness on the light shore, my heart still pounded. Beating louder than the sound my car door made as I slammed it shut. Not in a hurry to get her home, but to get away from them.

The car ride was silent, on my end, yet Y/n, who seemed to have a sixth sense just for me knew to keep talking, to both lighten the situation and my mood. She rambled on and on about her school courses she’d picked. About how lucky I was to be going to brown. Joking that she’d only be just a few hours away now, instead of across the country. Even though deep down we both knew Y/n was much too serious about her grades to ever come and visit unless she was far enough ahead in her classes. Her anxieties too high. She likes to overthink everything. Any interaction, anything someone had said. If it was rude, if it was unserious. She wasn’t overly insecure in that fear, but it was noticeable how she took the time to really think everything she said through. That was, until she found something she loved. Then it was like her brain detached from her body and she could just speak for hours without stopping.

I didn’t talk until the gravel from her driveway crushed underneath my car tires and the car was in park. She sat silently, waiting for a goodbye patiently. A playful grin stretched on her cheeks. My knuckles were white from how hard they were curled on the steering wheel. My cheeks just starting to return to a normal shade.

“You going to say goodbye or do I need to hug myself?” She punched my shoulder. I held it, pretending it hurt. It never did. I sighed.

“I’m really sorry, Y/n/n. I am.” I looked to her straight on for the first time since we’d gotten in the car. Before then, my eyes had only caught hers in the mirrors or in my quick glances to check the other side of the road. She looked just as youthful and happy as last night. Not at all like she was bothered.

“Con, really. It’s fine. Shit happens. Yeah…it was really, really fucking weird the way they were acting, but who cares? At the end of the day it’s always going to be you and me. We’ll never have to see them again.” Her hand reached up to touch my cheek. It was warm, like her. And soft. A gentle touch I’d only ever felt twice before, as it was too intimate for just friends to be doing. Or at least the in the way she did it.

I nodded into her touch, closing my eyes to breathe and calm, something I felt the most when I was near her. Calm, collected. Like I could think better, oxygen reaching my brain more.

“Ok, then I’m fine if you are.” I smiled again her palm, fighting the urge to simply turn my head a press my lips to her skin. It would be so easy, so simple. But friends don’t do that. So I pulled away, opening my eyes and licking my lips.

“Great.” She swung the door open, the click and the zipping of her seatbelt coming off quick and loud in the mostly quiet atmosphere we created in the car. “See you tonight.” I didn’t get a chance to respond, but maybe that’s how she meant it. So I wouldn’t have a chance to respond. Y/n walked off in a hurry, slipping the key out from under the welcome mat by her door and waving sweetly before disappearing into her house. I was already counting down the hours until I could see her again.

That night I was extra quiet leaving. Slipping through the back door particularly slow, I didn’t latch it shut completely, fearing the sound of in clicking shut that could wake anyone. A fear I never had before, but knowing of my brother and the Conklin’s tendency to stick their noses where they weren’t meant to be. I made sure to walk toe to heal, a trick Y/n had once mentioned. She claimed it gave you more control and would soften my steps. She was right.

I all but sprinted down the oak stairs, old and leaned against the sandy grass, a small hill that separated the summer home from the beach itself. I figured the creaks would fall deaf on their sleeping ears, the wind and branches of trees nearby swallowing it whole. I didn’t stop moving, not even once the sand kicked up around my shoes. I hadn’t bothered to take them off, in such a rush. My chest was on fire and my lips were drying, but still I pushed. I pushed and I didn’t stop until the house was far off to the left, still visible but far gone enough that even the loudest laughter would be only a whisper.

There she was, sitting patiently, stilled in her spot in the sand. Her hair was up, again, but she still when to tuck it behind her ears. Maybe out of instinct. Her eyes were focused in at the sea, where they always laid before I arrived. Totally consumed by the world around her, it wasn’t until my feet kicked sand into her lap in an attempt to be playful that she acknowledged my presence.

“Look what the cat dragged in.” Her smile was mischievous, but I was so easily fooled behind that fake innocence she radiated, her hand that was held out an easy trap. When I fell into it, fingers wrapping around hers, Y/n wasted no time in pulling me down harshly. Sand in my mouth and down my shirt. I coughed while she laughed.

“You minx!” Rolling onto my back, I yanked by the back of her shirt until Y/n’s head was beside mine. The stars above us and the ocean beside us. It was dry over here, the tide not touching this far out, so the ground was soft beneath us. Comfortable.

“You fall for it every time, Con. And you know what?” She rolled over, nose nudging into my cheek. I watched from the corner of my eye, Y/n’s body shifting away so we weren’t unbearably close. Only then did I turn, realizing that even with her silly efforts, it would only take me leaning in just an inch for our bodies to touch.

She poked my cheek, seeing how I was drifting out into thought. I squinted, looking at her, waiting. I hummed, letting her know I wanted to know. I always wanted to hear what she had to say.

“It gets better every time.” Her innocence completed faded then, the pure teasing side of her coming out, it was humerus seeing her so outgoing this way. It was something that kept me so attached to her. That pulled me to her. Enough that my body was up off the sand without her even getting another word in, hands planted on her sides and the most unserious look of anger on my face. We rolled around, sand covering every part of us. Our laughter echoing. The insistent tap on my shoulders signaled she’s had enough, Y/n swearing she was sorry, my grip left hers and the force that built between us in our battle threw us outward. Landing with a soft groan and the sand underneath our backs again. Laughter consumed us once again.

“That was really good.” She was sarcastic.

“Yeah? Well I bet you-“ Y/n’s lighthearted teasing called for a round two and the look in her eyes only further proved it was what she wanted. What the goal was. My elbows bent up, ready to get up in a moments notice.

She was always so willing to match whatever I felt, just as I did. Our energy syncing up perfectly. It made moments like these special, memorable. The more I waited, prolonging when I would strike, the more uncomfortable Y/n grew. Only this time, it was serious. Usually, her backing away was something that would happen. My looks could kill, and there was no way she could outrun me, out wrestle me. She had a tendency to want to take back what she started after realizing this. So her running off wasn’t unheard of. I would do it too. The breeze of the late summer night and the knowledge that it was truly just us in that point in time was something so thrilling. We could do anything. But this was different. She wasn’t backing away. No, but her eyes lost that sense of play. Of joy that they held. The sparkle dimmed and her head faced her feet in the sand. She sat up quickly then, unwilling to face me. Her throat cleared. Something was wrong.

Wanting to find what causes the shift, I looked around. Searching the area, trying to fix what had happened. My heart sank.

Walking rather enthusiastically towards us were the three people in the world I did not want to see again today. Belly skipping ahead of Steven and Jeremiah, all wearing big smiles and waving even more emphasized. I wanted to turn to Y/n, tell her it would be fine. They were just curious and would be gone soon. I would get them to leave, but that wasn’t a given. And I couldn’t make them do anything. So I curled up into myself, head facing down at my fingers that drew in the sand and I mirrored what Y/n felt. Uncomfortable.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I said it in my head, multiple times. Like the more I said it, the more it would be true. Maybe it would be better with more people. More the merrier, whatever they say. I knew it wouldn’t be, deep down. Y/n wasn’t one for big crowds. And I wasn’t the best with expressing how I felt.

“I told you I saw him leave!” Steven hit Jeremiah’s shoulder, pointing at us like we weren’t right there. Like we couldn’t hear them simply because we hadn’t chosen to acknowledge them yet.

Licking at my gums, a soft sigh tumbled out of my lips. Looking to Y/n, her I found her eyes had already been trained on me. And if eyes could talk, I swear in that moment hers would’ve been a jumbled mess. “What the fuck.” Is what would’ve been the underlining message, though. And I couldn’t blame her. Because I was thinking the same. What the fuck.

I tried to reason with her through my eyes. Signal that it might not be as unbearable as we thought. Maybe I could persuade her into being alright and she wouldn’t mind. She would be perfectly fine. I wouldn’t, how could I believe I could help her when she trusted it would only be us forever. A promise I made so long ago. I knew her like I knew my reflection. I knew she would hate this like I did. I knew she would go home and question tonight. I might get a few stray texts, but ultimately, she wouldn’t like it. She wouldn’t be able to be as open, and she’d close herself off.

“Hey guys. Y/n, right?” Belly leaned forward, holding her hand out for Y/n to shake. She stared blankly, hesitating. Her eyes flicked to mine. “What’s happening?” They said. “I don’t know.” Mine replied.

Y/n took Belly’s hand in hers, their touch awkward and short. Even in the dark, I didn’t miss the slight shake in Y/n’s hand, or how Belly wiped away her touch as soon as their skin lost contact. I had to look away. It felt weird.

“So, this is what you do every night?” Jeremiah spoke up, completely oblivious to the situation. I swallowed. I couldn’t look up from my feet.

“Yep.” I bit my tongue. I didn’t want to be rude, but I didn’t want them there.

“And you just sit here?” I nodded again, I couldn’t meet Y/n’s eyes, but I felt them on me. Burning into my skin like she desperately was trying to pull for my attention. I couldn’t look. I couldn’t force myself too. I was too focused on myself. I barely heard how their voices grew louder. A conversation being born. How they had started talking to Y/n. Forcing her to open up in a way.

She looked to me again, I met her eyes, but avoided them quickly after. I couldn’t bare the look she was giving me. “Conrad, please.” They begged. But these were my friends, this was my family. I couldn’t just get rid of them when they were so obviously excited to be around someone new. No matter how much I disliked it. Hated it, even.

She answered their questions at first, shared very minor details about her life in each story. But these were all stories I’d heard thousands of times. So I knew what details were being left out. And how I wanted to blurt out what was missing, out together the full story. Laugh and reminisce on how good those times were, but I bit my tongue. Silent.

Soon, though, her voice became less and less. The others growing more and more. Their interest diminishing while they became immersed in their own lives. Their own memories that they could smile at. Talking over her voice, not giving her a breath to speak. I met her eyes then, and like a silent conversation, it was clear the night was already over.

“Hey…uh, guys.” I cleared my throat, speaking for the first time all night since they’d shown up. It went silent around me. “I think Y/n and I are gonna head off. It’s getting late so, I should probably drive her home.”

“Already? Dude it’s like eleven thirty?” I shot daggers at Steven, he backed off. “Have a good night, I guess.” He couldn’t look at me now.

Their goodbyes were lazy, and rushed. Like even though they had crashed our time together, we were the ones interrupting them. Their time. In a hurry to get back into their conversation. So, after helping Y/n up, it wasn’t hard to slip away without much trouble.

Again, like the past morning, the car ride wasn’t the loudest. Only, this time not even the soft chatter came from Y/n. No ramblings or nearly unbelievable stories that in no way I would believe normally, but it was Y/n so how could I not? She was the most truthful person I knew. Plus, even when she did lie it was very obvious. That’s what made the stories even better. Because they were true.

No, this time it was a complete silence. Other than the faint flicking echo from her nails scratching at her skin, and the tap of her heal on the floor in front of the passenger seat. Her face was flat. No emotion showing. No hints at how she was feeling. It killed me, not being able to read her. I didn’t know what was happening, but I wanted to make it right. I wanted her to be happy.

I watched the confusion cross her face as her street passed, growing further and further away until it was so distant that it was unnoticeable.

“Conrad, what..?” He pointed out the window, looking over her shoulder to signal what she was referring to. I shrugged.

“The night is still young. I still have so much to talk to you about so I figured we could go for ice cream?” My eyes left the road briefly, flicking over to her face. Her eyebrows were still drawn together, lip bitten between her front teeth.

“I don’t have any money.” She almost whispered.

“Don’t worry about it.” I wished in that moment that I could’ve taken her hand in mine. Rubbed over the soft skin and assured her it would all be fine, that’s not where our relationship stood. As close as we were, there are always boundaries. A line that defines what is platonic and maybe not. My loving hand in hers would edge that line, and considering what tone she was setting in the car, it felt inappropriate.

…

Chocolate soft serve with rainbow sprinkles and a few strawberries.

It was her order. One I had memorized so well, so down to the exact detail that she wouldn’t even have to speak. Just a look at the menu and I knew what she wanted. The same as always. If it was anyone else I wouldn’t have known, wouldn’t have cared. But it was her. My Y/n. Of course I knew. Why wouldn’t I?

We’d only gotten ice cream a handful of times. The beach was our place. One of peace where it was truly just us. Everybody long gone, sleeping and unaware of our presence by the time we got out there. Here, the few who also enjoyed the peace of the night wandered into the cool building. Looking for a sweet treat to finish the night. It didn’t feel the exact same.

Like the beach, we had a bench here. Our spot. It was tucked away, closer to a patch of overgrown grass and rotting. Separate from the rest of the bunch. But it was more quiet over there. More secluded, the way we liked.

It was less quiet now that it was just us. Conversation flowing easily. But it wasn’t the same. Y/n didn’t go on a long rant about her favorite book. How A Little Life had destroyed her or how her favorite sitcom was slowly making its way back into her daily routine. And she didn’t eat as quick as normal. Her spoon stirring at the cold food until it was soupy, warmed. Untouched. She was off. I knew it. Even if Y/n tried to act like she was just the same, like her mind wasn’t somewhere else, I knew. I knew her more than anyone gave me credit for. Something was wrong, and I had a good guess as to what.

“Y/n.” It fell deaf on her ears. She kept playing at her food.

“Y/n, hey.” I put my hand over hers. Keeping my fingers bent to keep a small distance between our fingers. I hoped my warmth simply radiating into her skin would be enough to gain her attention.

Her head snapped up. Clearing her throat, she blinked a few times. Clearly out of it, it took her a second to hum in response. Trying to remember what I was saying. I gave her time.

“What’s wrong?” She shook it off, moving her hand off the table and into her lap. It stung, it shouldn’t have, but it did. After all, we were only friends. Nothing more. So the rejection of my touch shouldn’t have meant anything.

She was silent, shaking it off and swallowing down any emotions rising, forming a lump in her throat. She pushed it back. “No, nothing. I’m fine.” I raised a brow.

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not.” She defended. My look only grew more knowing.

“Y/n…” I pleaded, eyes searching hers. She wouldn’t open up. Something I was familiar with. Never the greatest with sharing how I felt, not in the slightest.

“If this is about tonight, I never meant for them to join us. I hope you know that. I didn’t ask them to. They just did.” I started to explain. She shook her head, eyes glued to her lap.

“No, no. I know. It’s, really it’s fine. They were nice, so it’s…” She trailed off, unsure of what to say next. The space between us fell quiet for the millionth time.

“Hey.” I broke the silence, wanting to fix this. Fix us. She looked at me, eyes drained. She looked tired. I didn’t blame her. I felt it too.

“I’m going to talk to them, fix this, okay?” I assured her again, hoping she knew I would follow through. That I would make it all better. She nodded, eyes sparkling under the stars.

The night wasn’t what it was meant to be, but it wasn’t ruined. How could it be? I got to see Y/n. That’s all the counted at the end of the day.

The sand was cold in my shoes, sticking to the fabric of my socks. It was colder now, darker. The world even quieter than how Y/n and I had left it. The only noise the laughter of life long friends. A sound that should’ve thrilled me. My face should’ve been drawn into a smile, my heart beating. But it felt heavy. And my heart wasn’t fluttering. It sank, feeling sore, hurt even. I felt betrayed and I didn’t know why. It wasn’t like we were dating, we were only friends. Friends who hung out together a lot in a public area. How could they invade something that wasn’t ever truly hidden?

I didn’t know what to say, and it was strange. I went over it the entire drive home. How I would be straight forward, tell them flat out that they were not welcome here with us. That Y/n wasn’t the most comfortable around them like I was. How I hadn’t even been able to calm down until it was just us again. But looking at them now, faces glowing with the smiles they exchanged, hands swinging wildly around to bring the conversation to life, I felt like a party killer and my pace slowed.

“Conrad!” Belly all but screamed, excitedly waving me over. She patted the sand beside her, but I didn’t sit. I couldn’t. My fists clenched on the sides of my body, my mind racing. I drew my lips back into a tight line.

They all looked at me, expectedly, waiting for me to either sit or leave. I stayed cemented to the ground where my feet resided. I couldn’t move, not even if I tried. I was stuck there by some force. Something pulling me down. I licked my lips, swallowing hard. Eyes flickering around their small circle, I found the courage to speak.

“Listen, guys, about tonight…” I wanted to say more, I did. I had so much to share, to tell them. I had boundaries to put in place, but I couldn’t. Not with their excitement.

“That’s what we were just going to talk to you about!” Steven talked over me subconsciously, too excited to hear my tone of voice. To see how my shoulders were slumped and my eyes drooping.

“I have no idea how you kept Y/n a secret for so long, she’s awesome.” Steven continued, sparking my interest. No matter the situation. How down I was, how frustrated, just the mere mention of her name made my heart race and lips fight a smile.

“Yeah, no. I agree. I mean, she’s a little quiet but she has good stories. I mean that one about how she started coming down here…” Jeremiah continued to rave about her, going on and on about a story I knew in and out. About a girl I had memorized completely. And I forgot why I was angry. Why I had even bothered to talk to them in that moment. It seemed almost silly, how worked up I had been. All while they believed she was an angel, just as I did when I met her. So, selfishly I had gotten lost in all the good things about Y/n to remember that she was upset earlier. That this couldn’t happen again. And I let slip away into the past. Finishing the night with soft goodbyes from everyone and a sincere text to Y/n, wishing her one as well. I didn’t wait for a response like I usually did, I assumed she might be asleep by now. I just hopes she knew I hadn’t forgotten about her.

Waking up that morning, it felt like no time had passed. Like somehow, even though the sun was well into its journey through the sky, it was still midnight in my mind. A never ending loop. Day, night, day, night.

It was the nights spent with Conrad that held me over. That differentiated between the night and the day. A feeling that could only be described as pure sunshine, ironically, being what flooded my systems during the evening and the intense excitement for the night during the day helping to move the cycle on. Kept the world revolving around during the summer. But last night, hadn’t been that.

No, what started as pure bliss was cut short by the heavy awkwardness between Conrad and I, the laughter of his other friends bellowing over anything I shared. It was sweet, how he’d tried to fix it. Offered some ice cream and fought for some alone time. But it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t just us under the stars at the beach. And it wasn’t light hearted.

Conrad promised he’d talk to them, and Conrad wasn’t a liar. He wasn’t the most open, and he wasn’t the most forward with himself. Always avoiding the situations he was placed in. But he was true, and he was honest. If he promised he’d talk to them, I didn’t worry about if he would or not.

Truthfully, it wasn’t them that bothered me. Not too much, anyway. It was overwhelming, sure. All the noise and the pace of the conversation. Talking about everything they’d experienced, I’d felt rather invisible among them, so I didn’t mind. It was Conrad.

I didn’t care how invisible I was to them. I didn’t care too much about Belly or Steven, and I’m sure Jeremiah should’ve been important given their relations but he wasn’t. I couldn’t care less what he thought of me. I only thought of Conrad. And he couldn’t even look at me. I practically burned a hole into his head with my gaze. Begging, pleading for him to even acknowledge me.

But he wouldn’t pull his eyes from the ground. He couldn’t. Maybe I wouldn’t have minded, played it off like he was just nervous. But these were his people, his family. If there was anyone to be comfortable around, it was them. So it had to have been me. Something was wrong with me.

I mulled over the thought in my head all day, trying to figure out what I had done, what about me I could change. What could I do better?

It consumed me completely. I barley noticed how the sun was setting, I didn’t even realize I had made my way down to the beach. The sand beneath my toes and the moon high in the middle of the stars. It wasn’t until the waves crashed particularly hard against the shore and the last of the seagulls around called out that I found myself sat in the forever indented spot on the beach, a cemented memory of what happened each night.

I hoped things would be different. That just being around him could ease my nerves. It always did, he had that affect. No matter how tired, or worn down I felt, Conrad only had to flash me a smile and wave. And my heart would start beating and cheeks would flush a deep red. A feeling that was reserved for him.

And it started that way, fulfilling that hopefulness I held earlier that night. It was only Conrad, body swallowed by his red zip up and worn out shorts. It was something that made him so easily identifiable. Paired with that smile and his shy wave, I almost melted. Ready to forget the night before.

Only then, did I see the rest of them. Sneaking behind him from afar. Quieter than the previous night, which led me to believe that maybe he had said something, but the message wasn’t clear. It wasn’t just us and I knew tonight wouldn’t be what I wanted it to be.

Again, like a repeat, his eyes found the floor. He couldn’t even look at me. He couldn’t even be near me. He was so distant. Not only mentally, but physically. Leaning away, looking everywhere but at me. He showed no emotion. He showed no emotion, nothing at all. My heart broke, then. How the boy I loved more than life, felt the safest around hadn’t even had the slightest care about it. How ashamed he was, of me. It hurt to even be around him then. Only a reminder of how I wasn’t enough, not for him. Only meant to be a secret, a guilty pleasure. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to leave.

“Hey, uh…I think I’m going to go. It’s, it’s late. So, I don’t want my mom to worry.” I found a good break in the conversation, standing slowly and wiping the earth off of my legs. Flashing the fakest smile, I went to part ways.

The sand rustled behind me, quickly as if whoever moved it was in a rush.

“Hey, I’ll take you home. It’s dark so…” Conrad spoke, I didn’t even feel his eyes look at me. Not even then, not even while he spoke to me. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be around him anymore, it hurt too much.

“No, no. Stay. Really, I just, I need some air, so. I’ll text you.” I lied. I wouldn’t text him. He must’ve known. Because his steps faltered. Only then I turned to him, nodding goodbye to everyone, I left.

I didn’t text that night, laying alone in the quiet of my room. I stayed up all night watching the most beautiful movies and listening to my favorite music. Skipping the songs that reminded me of us. It wasn’t how I wanted the night to end, not at all. But I’d rather be alone than spend my night in a place where I was not wanted.

Just then, while I was turning in for the night did my phone buzz. A single text illuminating my lock screen. A photo of the stars and Conrad’s silhouette admiring them. It was from the boy on my screen. The one whose eyes were filled with love looking at the thing I loved like I loved him.

“I hope you got home alright. I really thought they weren’t coming. I swear. See you tomorrow? Maybe we can find another spot on the beach further down. Let me know if you’d like that. Goodnight, y/n/n.” He’d sent it with a heart and a smiley face. I typed for a second, hovering the buttons.

“Why are you ashamed of me? Did I do something wrong?” I erased the message.

“Goodnight, Con.” I edited this one, not wanting to talk to him, but never wanting to worry the boy.

“Goodnight, Conrad.” Sending it, I let the light dim into darkness, the moonlight shining through my curtains and easing me into a light slumber.

She’d left so quick. So coldly. Like it physically pained her to be here, at this beach with me any longer. All night I had felt guilt, guilt for my actions, or lack therefore of. I hadn’t kept my word, and I couldn’t even look at her knowing that. I probably had disappointed her.

I wasn’t as smart as Steven, as charming as Jeremiah, or as open as Belly, but I could comprehend what was happening. She was drifting, and I watched as she left me stranded.

I wanted to reach out for her. Chase her down on the beach a beg her to stay, for me. To just talk. Maybe we could go for a walk. I could buy us ice cream. Keep buying it until our stomachs were full and my bank account drained. But the way she shook off my efforts to help her made it known I was not wanted. Not needed. So like I did with all the greatest things in my life, I let her go. And I watch with tears in my eyes and my chest pounding as she left me behind, a promise to text me when she got home.

But I hadn’t kept my word, so why should she have kept hers?

Not hearing from her was the final punch that did me in for the night. The one that hit in the face that keeps you down. Struggling to breathe. It became more obvious she wanted not to talk to me. I tried to be nice, show how much I still cared. I’d always cared. How could I not? I tried to be sweet, as sweet as I could. Telling her I loved her in the only way I knew how. By showing her how much I thought about her, cared about her. She responded soon after. And she used my full name. It was cold, and it hurt, but I deserved it.

I always used to tell myself that if I hadn’t done something, haven’t said something I wish I had, I always had the next night. That was a given. I had twenty four hours to remember it and perfect what I wanted to say, and I could always just blurt it out into conversation. Our time together was easy like that. No conversation staying on the same topic for more than a few minutes. Now I was unsure. Maybe I didn’t have the next day, maybe she wouldn’t be in the mood to joke around. Only being there to say she had shown up. Mentally somewhere else.

That night had a lead up to it. Anticipation building to when I could see her again. I vowed that after last night, I would tell her exactly what was happening. Fix it, make it better. I just wanted to make it better.

When I got there, the beach was empty. Not that it was unusual. I was early. To eager to wait any longer. Even as the moon grew higher and the night later, still there was no sign of Y/n. Her seat left unattended and unused. Midnight struck, and she remained unseen. Familiar sounds of shoving and laughing filled my ears though.

Hopeful, I turned to them. The group that had ruined it as if Y/n would magically love them and be caught up with them. It would hurt to know she was late because she preferred to spend her time with my better friends, but it didn’t matter. I would wait hours for her to show just to see her even for a second. But of course, Y/n was just as present as a ghost. Still missing.

I texted, a few times. The blue of my texts staring back at me in a long line. Each unanswered, some read, the more recent ones not. My heart sunk a little. My face heated up. I waited, the longer time passed the more the voices of my family muffled behind the loud ringing that filled my ears.

“Don’t wait for me. I don’t feel like coming out tonight. Don’t come find me, goodnight.” She couldn’t even say my name. She couldn’t even let me know in advanced. She probably debated even sending it. How could I have let this happen? Been so careless, gotten lost along the way?

I looked at the others then. Silencing my phone. I should’ve felt nothing but pride, looking at the people I love most. But I only felt bubbling anger. Disgust. In their own selfishness, they had taken her from me. I couldn’t think straight. Hearing them laugh so carelessly in the sacred space that Y/n and I had created. Parasites in what was once a paradise. I lost it with the way they all looked to me, asking for my opinion on a topic I didn’t care to listen to. Too lost in thought.

“Connie?” Belly leaned closer, eyes fluttering. I saw the knowing smirk on Stevens face, always the biggest supporter of Belly’s obsessions. Her number one cheerleader. I could always find it on me to find it sweet, a cute sibling bond but now I only found it annoying.

“What?” It came out harsh. I meant it that way too.

“Woah okay, jeez I didn’t…” Belly backed off, and the looks that were shot at me were almost humorous. How I was the bad guy somehow. Like they hadn’t ruined everything.

“I’m leaving.” Going to stand up, the others stood with me. Sensing the mood shift. I was closing off, they knew that, they didn’t want that. Not when I’d been getting so much better.

“No, come on stay. Connie-“ Belly started again.

“No! Don’t talk! I’m leaving. There’s no reason for me to be here. Honestly. Does anyone see Y/n? Cause I don’t.” I waited for someone to speak up, to piece together the puzzle. When they all remained focused on what I had to say I let it overflow.

“Coming out here was the best part of my day. My summer. It was the one time I got to see her, she Y/n. And you-you just took that! She won’t even talk to me anymore because of you guys! And, and you didn’t even ask me. You just did it.”

“Shit, I had no idea. We thought Y/n liked us around. I mean-“ Whatever Jeremiah had as an excuse didn’t matter. I couldn’t stop.

“Did you even ask? You guys don’t even know her!”

“We do!” Belly argued.

“No you don’t! Not like I do. I mean, how could you? Did you know she hates big crowds? How it makes her anxious being around so many people? Or how about how she can’t stand being talked over. Her number one pet peeve? No. Or-or what about how much she loves sad books? The ones that make her cry so bad she gets a headache. How she’s so obsessed with romantic movies that she can quote them backwards. Did you notice how she picks at her nail beds when she gets nervous? And her legs bounce? She tucks her hair behind her ears and can’t look anyone in the eyes when she lies? How the beach is her favorite place but she can’t stand the smell of seaweed!” I hadn’t meant to go on a rant. Listings all the basic things about her to the tiniest details only her and I would know. I felt my face get hotter the longer I yelled, growing closer to the others, my head hurt and my throat ached but it didn’t matter. It wouldn’t matter until I had my Y/n back and everything went back to how it was before. Just us.

Their eyes were wide, some glassier than others and mouths agape. My chest heaved, everything felt weighted down. My lungs felt like they’d were closing everything was burning. I had to leave, I had to go.

Quick as my feet would carry me, I fled. Far away from where the others stood. Their voices yelled, but they felt more distant. The ringing returned in my ears, louder, more deafening. I couldn’t stop. Not until my bedroom door was locked and the sheets pulled over my head. I wanted to punch something, but found it in myself to refrain. I bottled it up, opening my phone shakily. She hadn’t sent anything else. I texted her again.

“Okay, goodnight Y/n/n. See you tomorrow? I love you.” I caught it before I sent it. Taking it back.

“Okay, goodnight Y/n/n. See you tomorrow?”

There was no response. I hoped she was just asleep, I couldn’t bare the idea that she was ignoring me.

Growing up, I’d known the Fisher brothers more than I knew myself. I knew who they were, what they did. I knew to go to Jeremiah when I needed help, but to seek Conrad’s advice when I really needed to think it through. He was less spontaneous. Really sat with things. Maybe that’s why I liked him so much. Because he was so mature. So level headed and calm.

Never had I seen him like that. Never had I expected to see him like that.

Seeing Conrad laying so closely to another girl, one who seemed to glow under the early morning sunlight and somehow was completely unaffected by the intimacy of it. It made me jealous, how close they seemed. How she looked like it didn’t matter. How it didn’t matter when it’s all I’d ever dreamed of.

I drowned in jealousy, imagining it was myself next to him, not Y/n. Not the ungrateful girl who was totally unaware to how my heart was breaking just looking at them. I truly believed I could handle it. Seeing his hookup, fine. He was a college kid. Who says they can’t do that? Why was I being immature?

But she wasn’t a hookup. She was a friend. Something that should’ve relieved me, but it didn’t. Because I saw the way his eyes avoided ours, searching hers to make sure she was okay. I saw how gentle he was when they walked. How when he’d offered to drive her home his hand ghosted over the small of her back. Not even waving goodbye, looking back. So encapsulated by her. It made it even worse.

He was in love with someone else. Someone who didn’t appreciate him as I did. I hated it. I hated knowing she got the special moments in his life. The quiet nights alone, talking and getting closer. I got envious. I craved it, wanting that so badly. I saw things through rose colored glasses.

Conrad liked us. I saw the way his lips quirked up when we swam, my legs swung around Jeremiah’s neck and Steven sat on top of his. I knew he adored the chicken fights and how he secretly loved the old black and white movies. He would never share it, but the way he focused in, mouth stuck open mid chew showed otherwise.

I became selfish in that, convincing myself and the others that it was great idea to crash their plans. See what was happening. I wanted to have those intimate moments that she had. I wanted Conrad for myself.

“Are you sure?” Steven had questioned, watching Jeremiah mix together a bunch of various fruits into one big mush.

Jeremiah looked just as skeptical. Unsure if it was the best idea, if it was overstepping. I may not have been ‘mature’ enough for Conrad, but I was always the most persuasive of the bunch. Even if I lost the fight, I could find a way to win the war. If I couldn’t have Conrad then, I would now.

So we decided on it. We’d stay awake, pilled together in Stevens room. It was directly beside Conrad’s. No matter how quiet he was, the hallway had one connecting floorboard the reaches under the door frame. When he stepped just right, it would creek and we would know he was leaving then. He was being careful, it was obvious. Moving slower, his hands bracing the walls so hard they groaned. He left the back door unlatched. His footsteps even and in a tiptoeing fashion. That was until the oak steps. The way he took off was almost comical. I’d never seen him in such a hurry. It made my heart sink all over again. Setting in the fact that Conrad had never done that for me. Never been so excited he just couldn’t wait, taking off just to be close.

Any second thoughts that I had went out the window, shoved down deep inside until they were to buried away they almost didn’t exist.

I wanted to hate her when we crossed paths again. I wanted to make snide remarks and unleash all the back handed compliments I could think of. But I couldn’t. She was so kind, so down to earth. She was quiet, reserved. But she didn’t shy away from anyone’s questions. Answering them truthfully and making them interesting. She was like the female Conrad, only less moody.

I wanted to be around her more. She was like the friend I’d always wanted in Conrad. So easy to talk to. If I closed my eyes it was almost like talking to Conrad in some twisted way. The more we talked, the less I realized she had stopped. It shifted from learning about her to reminiscing on old memories that excluded her. I hadn’t realized she was being shut out. Nor did I see her uncomfortable shifting or nervous tendencies. I wouldn’t have come back the next night if I had, but I didn’t. So when Conrad helped her make an escape, I assumed it was because of only his feelings. Not even considering hers.

The next night came and it was just the same, but Y/n was quieter and so was Conrad. It didn’t feel as light. Y/n leaving was only solidifying that fact. It felt more of a hangout between the three of us, Conrad and Y/n just there. It felt wrong. And it was wrong. It wasn’t my place to be. It wasn’t our place to be. It was Conrad and Y/n’s. It was then I decided I couldn’t bury my regrets anymore. I had to apologize. So I planned.

I planned if for the next night. The moment I saw her I would apologize. I wouldn’t give her a second to breathe. I would back off, as long as everything would be fixed. I wasn’t the most mature, but I didn’t want anyone to be hurt. Not even in my worst heartaches. I just wanted everything to fit together perfectly.

All my life I’d seen myself with Conrad. But he was never mine. So it became more and more apparent that maybe the perfect puzzle coming together wasn’t one that pictured me and Conrad together. It was one of Y/n and him, it was clear now. Now when she was upset, he was too. Only happy when she was.

She didn’t show up that night. At first I believed just what Conrad did. She was late. But with the moon rising and the air getting colder, it became more clear she had bailed. I saw his eyes dull, his posture falter. He looked defeated. I wanted to make it better. I wanted to fix it, but I couldn’t. I already did the damage. It was broken because of me, I caused it.

That night I lie awake, the ceiling get lower and lower. I debated knocking on Conrad’s door. Explaining myself, but I knew it would be no use. So instead I spent the time lying awake, praying that tomorrow would be better. That it was just a fluke and Y/n was only feeling unwell. That I hadn’t ripped apart row beautiful people in my own selfishness.

…

The next morning came and went. The light reflecting off the water and laughter just as loud as the day before. Cousins was alive again. The night almost slipping completely away. But as everyday does, the sun slipped behind the horizon and the day turned into afternoon, and that into night. And with the stars so high in the sky, scattered like splattered paint on a blank canvas, Conrad’s silhouette sat still in the same spot as always.

You couldn’t see it from the beach house, but if you leaned over the railing of the old oak stairs just enough, there he would be. In my head I saw her walking towards him, a smile would be on his face and he would stand up quickly to greet her. But Y/n never showed. And Conrad sat out there until the sun began to rise. His bed untouched, eyes tired. He did the same the next day, and the day after. Still, Y/n never showed. And she never reached out either. It was obvious, the way Conrad’s phone never chimed. Notifications only on for her now, waiting for her. Something only I noticed. But she was gone, quicker than she had came and the guilt that settled was suffocating I had ruined everything.

I couldn’t stand it after the third night. Watching him wait hopelessly for someone who wouldn’t show. It would’ve been pathetic if it wasn’t so romantic. Even his text messages left stranded.

“Is everything okay between us? I’m sorry.”

“Y/n/n are you coming? Should we just call it a night?”

“Goodnight, Y/n/n. See you soon?”

It was something I’d never seen in him before. Watching his fingers dance over the keyboard only to erase and retype millions of times. Overthinking the same way I did to him. I couldn’t bare it. Maybe if be out of guilt, or the selfish need to make Conrad happy, not hate me. But with a bit of digging and the use of Conrad’s phone, I had her number typed up. I swallowed, what would I say? It’s me, the girl who ruined the one hood thing Conrad had going in his life, sorry by the way. No, there was no good way to put it. But it had to be done, so I clicked it and let the phone ring.

“Hello?” Her voice cracked through the phone. It was quiet other than her voice. Only the faint noise of some nineties sitcom playing in the background filling it with something other than awkward ringing.

“Is this Y/n?” It was a stupid question. I knew it was. I knew her voice.

“Yea, who is this?” She was unsure, but something told me deep down she knew it was me.

“This is uhm…this is Belly.”

“Oh.” Her end went quiet. Only the television telling me that she hadn’t hung up yet.

“I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but please hear me out.” I sighed. She nodded, I could hear the shifting of her head crack through the speakers.

“I want to say sorry. I know, I know it’s too late now, but it’s been eating at me and I had to tell you before the summer ended. I’ve loved Conrad since I’ve known what the word meant. He was always the older, kinder brother in my eyes. The only person who included me when everyone was so willing to give up. I idolized him for so long. Seeing him with someone else, someone he idolized like I did to him, it made me sick with jealousy. I couldn’t stand it, and I know that’s wrong. So it’s my fault that everyone crashed the nights at the beach. I was the one who plotted against you guys and I’ve never regretted anything more. The moment you didn’t show up, Conrad really laid it onto all of us. We were so caught up in ourselves, we-I didn’t see how it was affecting the two people the night really meant the most to.” I heard a heavy sigh in the middle of my ranting.

“Belly, this is sweet and all but-“ She started, sounding more defeated that Conrad had looked somehow.

“No, please. Please listen to me, please.” I wanted to cry. I almost did. I didn’t though, I found the strength to hold it together in my most desperate moment, it wasn’t about me. “That boy knows you better than anything he’s ever known in his life. He knows your likes and dislikes. What you love and what gets you going. He has your mannerisms memorized and your favorite movies. He defends you like his life depends on it and I know it’s my fault you guys aren’t talking, but please, he loves you more than he can show and he’s been sitting out there every night for the past few days waiting for you to show. Please go see him. If not for me than for him? Even if it’s only just one more time, give him the closure. Please.” There was no response, I could feel her hesitating.

“Okay, Belly.” She sounded like she wanted to say more. Like she was thinking something else. She didn’t though. She kept it in her head and responded in the simplest way she knew.

“Goodnight, Y/n.”

“Goodnight, Belly. And hey, don’t worry about me, okay? Take care of yourself.” I wanted to answer, but the line went dead before I could. Now all I could do was hope that maybe I made a difference. Maybe tomorrow Conrad wouldn’t be the only person sitting on that beach.

The call came unexpectedly, the number unknown. The naïve part of me wanted it to be Conrad. Reaching out through another persons cellphone because he knew I wouldn’t answer him. I wasn’t ready. The logical part of me knew better. And that part was right, because the voice that greeted me nervously on the other end wasn’t deep or slow. It was shaky and airy. Quick and higher pitched. It was Belly’s voice.

I knew it was Belly, the moment she even asked. But I lied to her and myself, acting like I had no idea. I didn’t want to hear her voice. It was like a reminder of what had happened. A reminder of who had started it. But I wasn’t mad at Belly, it wasn’t her fault. How could she have known things would get ruined, she was only excited? Or, jealous she confessed.

She had purposefully intruded on us, she had seen how it was ripping us apart and she continued to. She blamed herself and became the bigger person.

How could I tell her that it wasn’t just her? Yes, sure what she had done had started this all, but it was so much more than that. Conrad had been the final break. He was the one avoiding my eyes, treating me like a parasite whenever we weren’t alone. I was his secret, and it was clear he wanted it to stay that way.

I was never meant to be more. Why would I be when he couldn’t even stand to be seen with me? I was his secret, playing the role of a stranger when he’d see me on the street. Each glance random and short. I didn’t want to play that role anymore. I tried to get past the uncomfortableness of the expanding group, I thought that this could be the change, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.

But Conrad obviously didn’t want that. No, he didn’t jump at the chance. He shyed away. It caught me off guard, hearing everything Belly had to say. I can’t lie.

Conrad was never the best at sharing his feelings. He would much rather sit in silence in his own self pity than to have to share something so vulnerable. I knew where he came from with that worry. Sometimes it just felt like he’d rather push me away than be honest.

It was refreshing hearing how Belly confirmed he had talked to them. How he truly did know me, he didn’t act like he didn’t. He knew everything about me, without a doubt. Knowing that he didn’t ignore that and felt confident enough to let that be known almost instantly killed all my insecurities I’d gathered about us. So I thought hard on what Belly said.

Conrad was sitting there, waiting for me every night because he cared. Because he wanted to see me, and he didn’t hide that.

Staring at the listless amounts of texts I had been on the receiving end of, all just as concerned and curious. Never one a hint of anger with my behavior, my sudden ghosting. I felt guilty.

He signed every single one off with a simple, “Goodnight, y/n/n. See you tomorrow?” It almost made me forget why I was mad. I couldn’t let these keep collecting, taking up space. Even if I felt nothing but sadness around him now, and everything was gone. Belly could’ve been right.

The longer the night grows on, the more I believe I will fall to the familiar fate of the loneliness the once lively beach brings without her here.

I knew I fucked up. I lied, and ignored. I acted like everything was fine. Like I didn’t care and in that, I hurt the one girl I loved most. The one person I would protect with my life. I hurt Y/n.

It was understandable why she wouldn’t show anymore. It wasn’t what we did. It wasn’t just us. She was being thrown into the exact opposite. Our long talks turned into theres. Her voice no longer ranting about what we liked, but being talked over by the others wants. She was cast away to the background when it should’ve been all about her.

I just hadn’t expected to be completely shut out. Not showing was one thing, but to be completely ghosted was another. It was like we didn’t exist. Like we didn’t know everything about each other. I didn’t need a goodnight text from her, but I would’ve liked one.

“Can I sit?” Looking out at the water, I hadn’t heard someone approaching me. My eyes blurring with the water collecting on my waterline. My throat burned. Biting my lip, I went to nod. Then, from the corner of my eye I saw it.

I knew that face like I knew my own. Her eyes were easily recognizable and her lips were still pulled into that same smile. Only now it was sadder, still just as genuine, but not as big as the last time I’d seen it.

“Y/n, hey.” It came out like a sigh, relief flooding through my body. She came, she was back. It wasn’t over.

She continued to look at me expectantly and only then did I realize she was still waiting. I patted at the sand enthusiastically, almost too eager considering what had happened leading up to now. I watched how carefully she sat herself down beside me. So close but still so distant. Her body angled away, head facing the sky. I could see how hard she was swallowing. I felt the same lump forming that made it just as hard to swallow myself.

“Can we talk?” She broke the silence first, fingers dancing awkwardly around in the sand. She drew stars around the rocks and pebbles scattered in the sand. Keeping her mind more focused on that than the rising desire to break down.

Her lip quivered, I saw it even in the dark. I saw how she blinked rapidly and her chest heaved unevenly. She was upset, she didn’t come here to simply make amends.

“Yeah, hey.” I tried to get her attention, but she could only shake her head. She couldn’t look at me. So instead I took her free hand in mine, playing with her fingers partially to comfort her and also to distract the bubbling sadness in my throat.

“Conrad, what are we?” She finally looked at me, her eyes big, looking into mine. She searched around to see if she could think up what my answer would be.

“We’re…we’re us.” I thought about it hard. The answer seemed to vague but to me it screamed everything. “I mean, isn’t that enough?” I tightened my grip on her hand. I could see my answer wasn’t enough for her.

“Conrad…” She trailed off, like she couldn’t get out what she wanted to. So I finished it off for her.

“No, you’re right. It’s all my fault, Y/n. I mean, these nights, this time we get to be together, I look forward to it every day. It’s all I can think about. You are all I can think about. And-and I guess I just got lost in that. I was just so focused on getting to spend time with you, I didn’t really care about anything else. How expanding who was involved would affect you. And I’m sorry, it was unfair. And I promised I’d fix it, but I didn’t. I fucking didn’t and you were treated horribly because of that. I just-“ I was cut off with a scoff, the sand falling onto my lap as she stood. I followed her quickly, wanting to stay close.

“Are you serious? Conrad I don’t care about anyone else, what they think. They can talk over me all they want. This is about us. About you!” She stepped back, looking around to gather herself. A harsh breath passed through her nose, lips turned down into a frown. “All my life I have spent chasing after you! Your attention. To me, you…you were everything! I used to count down the hours to the next time I could see you again. Conrad, I have spent these past years so embarrassingly in love with you. And you know what’s the worst part? I really thought I had a chance.” I froze at her confession. Her anger and sadness surfacing everything.

“Y/n, woah, woah.” My hands found her shoulders, stopping her with a soft sputter leaving her mouth. “I do, I do.” I promised, voice growing hoarse with the lump growing bigger.

She shook her head, closing her eyes, “Then why, why didn’t you do anything? Why did you make me feel so stupid?” She inched closer, still just as upset.

“I didn’t know, how could I have known? Y/n, I never meant to hurt you. I wouldn’t have done that, you mean everything to me. You’re all I’ve ever wanted.” I was as honest as I could be, the desperation in my voice going from a loud, frustrated tone to a softer, slower tone. I wanted her to know I meant it, but I didn’t want to start a bigger mess.

“I don’t get it, Conrad.” I looked into her eyes, she was crying by now. “You ignored me for days and now all of a sudden you like me? Conrad, you acted like I didn’t exist for days. Like whenever Belly or-or Jeremiah was around I was some stranger. Admit it, you were ashamed of me. I was always just some stupid secret to you.”

“I wasn’t ashamed of you, god, how could I ever be ashamed of you?” She stepped back, my voice loud again to match her volume.

“Then why did you do it? Why did you run?” She was desperate for answers.

“Because I love you! I’m so madly in love with you, it makes me sick. I go to bed some nights and I think that you might be the only girl I could ever love. The only one I could ever be with. And it’s so embarrassing. To be so fucking obsessed with someone that it’s all you can think about! I couldn’t even look at you those nights because I didn’t want anyone to know. I wanted you to know first. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. And them being there only made me more scared. I mean, I’m not nearly as smart as Steven, and I’m not charming like Jeremiah is. I’m not as nice as Belly, I don’t compare. How could I have told you when I’m not enough. I was ashamed of myself.” I could feel my own tears streaming down my face now.

“Conrad, I love you. But I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep being a secret. I’m tired of sneaking around.” Even in her own frustration I felt her hands cup my face, thumbs brushing away my tears. My own hand wrapped around her wrists, not holding but resting there. I let my forehead rest against hers, looking around, trancing a triangle with my eyes around her face.

“Okay, no more secrets.” I agreed, eyes focusing in on hers. Her skin rubbed mine, nodding. There was no going back now. Both having confessed to something that was taking over our lives. Problems dissolving behind it.

Silently, I asked permission. I wanted her to be okay with it, not just kissing to forget about our issues. With the go ahead, I leaned in.

Her lips were soft, warm. Melting together with mine like they meshed perfectly. Made for each other. It was all so slow and sensual, nothing rushed. My hands found the back of her neck, just reaching the edge of the back of her head. Her hands in my hair. It wasn’t messy, or blinded by lust. It was a long time coming, and lasted just as long as both of us wanted.

Secretly I wished I could have her lips on mine forever, wanting to be near her constantly, but her hand in mine was a good substitute, a smile plastered on her face. Bigger than it had been all week, a blush creeping into her cheeks.

“Come here.” With the swiftness of my hands around her and the force of my body hitting hers, we tumbled around in the sand, laughter and smiles radiating off of each other. The moon grew lower and the sun rose higher, the night turning into the day. Our tumbling turned into a peaceful slumber, arms and legs tangled together to pull us as close together as possible. My lips rested on her forehead, the summer sun was warm and welcoming. It felt like a dream, but it was real life.

“I meant what I said.” She leaned it again, stopping to hear me out, smile stuck on her face. “No more secrets.” The sand stuck to our legs, falling out the backs of our shirts. Her lips chased mine, molding together wetly. She ran in front of me, laughing as I chased her.

“Hurry up, Connie!” She teased, my arms wrapping around her waist. We spun like a romcom couple at the end of the movies, still moving towards the old oak stairs. My lips pressed to her cheek, my own cheeks hurting from how happy I was.

Our feet moved quick, soft laughter and snickering stifled underneath our breath. My hand held hers and our heavy footsteps grew feathery light the closer we inched to the back door.

Through the glass I could see her now, just beyond our reflection stood my mom. A soft smile on her face and her hands working on creating another flower bouquet. She was focused, eyebrows drawn together and tongue pointed out that it was only the creaking of the sliding back door opening that could pull her from her concentration.

“Connie.” The familiar nickname that Y/n called me was one her and my mother shared. Her eyes flickered to Y/n, smile widening. I saw her wipe her hands on the old clothes hung around the oven handles.

“Mom, this is Y/n. She’s, my best friend and my girlfriend.” There was so much more to say, to fill in. I wanted her to know about the nights we spent together, what she liked. When we met, how we met. But that could wait. I still had so many people to share Y/n with.

After all, there were no more secrets.

#conrad fisher #conrad x reader #conrad fisher angst #tsitp x reader #tsitp season 2 #tsitp conrad #tsitp x y/n #conrad x you

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