#THE LACK OF INTERNET CANNOT STOP ME ANYMORE

[rhnalli]

bloody and sparkly ✨

#art #spop #spop fanart #shera and the princesses of power #glimmer #my beloved #got on my neighbors WiFi to post this #THE LACK OF INTERNET CANNOT STOP ME ANYMORE #and i got a bunch of art in the vault that i never posted #for some reason

[drdemonprince]

When other people say that they do not have enough time to get something done, they (often, if they're quite healthy) mean they are taking into account the time it takes to do the laundry and arrange new pieces of furniture and cook dinner and meet up with friends to see a movie and run to the post office or the hair dresser and take the dog for walks and do the dishes and paint their nails and drive to the store and go to their cousin's wedding and go to the barbecue their friend is throwing on the weekend

they don't winnow their life down to just spending time at the computer, working from when they wake up until they cannot focus their eyes anymore, granola bars, coffee, and bottles of water all around them because of course they did not take time to have lunch or breakfast, only dragging themselves away from work when they are truly too exhausted to do any of it anymore, and then lacking the energy to do much of anything that remains of life but to eat a tiny bit more, sponge themselves off, and go to sleep.

i just saw a video of a fursuiter on their bed, legs kicked back, head propped on their hands, delightedly announcing that after many years of hard work they had finally finished their Master's degree. And some part of me, some sick withered part, thought really? you had time to do a Master's degree while also getting a fursuit done? and going to conventions, presumably? you had time in the day to research fursuit makers, have a sona designed and drawn by someone else (or to draw it yourself), to contact a maker to make a duck tape dummy of yourself, and to have a friend over to help you make it and to cut it off of you, to send it in the mail to the maker, to then get it and make videos? you had time to set up this beautiful bedroom that i see in your video, with a soft pink sham on the bed and LED lights behind your bookshelf and lamps and all kinds of stuffed toys? you had a life? you were out playing, and dancing, and pursuing your hobbies, and you did a master's degree?

because when i was working on my doctorate, there was nothing. three layers of foam on the floor with a fitted sheet over it. a folding card table from aldi that had cost $40 that my grandparents got me. no food in the fridge. no time to even get the internet installed, just stolen wi-fi when my laptop could pick it up. i woke up, got dressed, and slunk into the office. i sat alone in the dark working until my hunger made me furious and i could not write another word. and then i walked to the grocery store, got something to subsist on, went home, ate, kickboxing video, went to sleep. every day. with almost nothing breaking the routine.

and ive gotten better, so much better, but my brain still kind of works that way. i feel like i have to quit my job and stop being a writer if i want to have hobbies. to paint my bedroom. to marinate a meat for longer than fifteen minutes. to get a driver's license again. to take a trip. but i dont want to be like that any more. how do people know when to stop? i feel like i have to give everything my absolute all until there is nothing left or else i have done nothing. i feel that i would have to treat a hobby like a job to get it done. I feel that anything that takes more than two minutes is a huge waste of time i must feel guilty for. i am working on all these things. jesus i have been working on them for years at this point. but because i have been so successful at telling people to do less, i get pulled in. interview. workshop invitation. email. urgent in the subject line. call from my agent. meeting request from my boss. new book idea, better sell it now while my sales figures still look good. recording studio session. deadline. writing. can you talk about this. can you talk about that. tag. email. book idea. deadline. long heartfelt email. still so often i have to take my own damn advice.

and this is why i am getting a fursuit made!! and going to cons! and going to leather and latex events! and making socials that are separate for these things!! i am going to let myself be silly and soft and do frivolous things. i am so sick of what i do to myself, all the pursuit of seeming like a strong mature adult.

[tuerescringe]

D.A.M.N Crew Headcanons:

(inspired by me and my friends)

- Lasko does this bit where he fully freaks out for like 2 seconds max and then acts completely normal and like nothing happened. He especially does this in very quiet and serene moments.

- Damien has one specific class that he despises and will, no matter what, always mention how much he hates it at least once a day.

- Huxley has a specific time frame where he will laugh at everything and anything and in these moments of hysteria he will send whatever he finds funny to the gc. Nothing he sends is funny the morning after.

- If someone mentions drawing an original character, Gavin will always respond with “Draw them naked.”

- When watching a movie together, Damien and Freelancer GRIP each other by the arm whenever something exciting happens. That or when they find a character attractive.

- Freelancer and Huxley both LOVE to make jokes about very mundane things. Shit like responding with “Me in the morning.” whenever someone says something along the lines of “I got up.” or “I feel awake.”

- Damien giggles whenever he thinks of doing something particularly evil.

- Almost everyone in the crew participates in the group wide bit of leaning in for a kiss whenever they say the same thing as each other at the same time, or when they find out they have a mutual interest/hobby. The only one who doesn’t participate is Lasko. If anyone leans in towards him he starts screaming.

- Everyone in the crew sends Damien pictures of angry cats with the caption “you.”

- Freelancer regularly describes things as “sloppy”, everyone else hates it.

- Everyone in the crew shares vocal stims

- Sometimes Huxley will randomly announce “GUYS GROUP HOWL.” Everyone will in fact howl.

- Damien is constantly harassed by the crew about his lack of whimsy.

- Gavin has a very consistent bit where he responds to pictures of caverns, jagged holes, ect. with “my pussy tbh.”

- Freelancer is referred to as “my friend who is 25” because they faked their age on the internet as a child. They were 11.

- Freelancer made a discord server for the crew and gave everyone the “kitten” role. Everyone hates it.

- Damien plays Valorant and it makes him so incredibly toxic. It is the only game that does that.

- Lasko’s stomach cannot handle SHIT. He will be running to the bathroom no matter what he eats.

- Freelancer had a very strict “no kissing at the academy until after 8 in the morning” rule.

- The crew loves taking pictures of Lasko’s forehead.

- “One must imagine Sisyphus ___” is an ongoing joke in the crew.

- LASKO IS SO SO SWEATY.

- Lasko also purposely touched people with his cold, sweaty, clammy hands. Everyone always screams.

- There is one professor in the academy that everyone in the crew either has a crush on or is fascinated by.

- Huxley’s mothers keep sending him little ceramic frogs. No they will not be stopping.

- Sometimes Freelancer jokingly goes “y’know what. I don’t even love you anymore.” In which Gavin responds with “thats not even truuUUEEEEEEEE” in an absolutely devastated tone.

- Everyone in the crew is obsessed with the name “Scuntle Bingoid” and names every object or animal some sort of variation of it.

#redacted asmr #redacted headcanons #redacted gavin #redactedverse #redacted lasko #redacted huxley #redacted damien #redacted damn crew #redacted freelancer #redacted verse #cringe.txt

[poppyandzena]

You don’t understand, they don’t have to show up on Noeh's criminal records to show up on background checks. In most counties in the US, police reports are public record.

You don’t understand why police reports are held higher than hearsay either. It’s a criminal offense to knowingly file a false police report. Depending on the jurisdiction, it can be a felony. When you file a police report, you're basically creating a paper trail that you’re swearing is true under threat of jail time. That’s why they’re such useful tools in civil, criminal, and family court.

That’s why I hope Poppy’s lying. The consequences of this go so far beyond internet bullshit.

Police records do take some time to appear on file, especially on the internet, but rest assured, Poppy's claim is being looked into. Trust me, I'm not waving her decision off as something silly. Given what we know based on her statements prior, during, and after the visit, she is being completely irresponsible.

Informed consent is the disclosure of NECESSARY information prior to a sex act. Violation of informed consent presents a REASONABLE expectation of risk, either immediate or long-term danger. Examples of informed consent violation are:

- Not properly disclosing your STI status if you are aware of your condition. This doesn't just go for HIV, but common things such as herpes.

- Not properly disclosing surveillance of the sex act, such as photographs, video, and audio recordings.

- Not properly disclosing your intention to commit acts that can pose a danger to your partner. This includes choking, hitting, unplanned penetration (with genitals, digits, and/or objects), spanking, restraints, smothering, drawing blood, urination, and defecation. These acts can be performed safely ONLY when both parties are aware and enthusiastic.

Honestly, you should ask for consent for any sex act you intend to perform. You don't need a fucking contract. A simple "May I do this?" or "Would this make you feel good?" will suffice.

- Not properly disclosing the use of mind-altering substances or mind-altering tactics.

- Not disclosing the lack of contraceptives or protective products. Stealthing is the most notable example, where a partner purposefully lies about using a condom.

Poppy's gf, who was already on the fence on breaking up with her, passively allowing her to visit in hopes of it re-sparking love and then finding out that she doesn't want to pursue the relationship does not legally constitute as a criminal act. NF blocked Poppy a day before Poppy and Zena drove to her city.

Does it feel awful to go through the effort only to find out you're not compatible? Of course. It's painful and humiliating. But you cannot force NF to continue a relationship that she does not want. She has said multiple times about her enabling Poppy and Zena to visit because she wanted to give Poppy a chance. And when you have someone drive 7-10 hours to see you, spend money on a hotel, and constantly spam you for attention, you're going to feel guilty if you do not indulge their sexual interests. You don't want to make it seem like a waste. And it's very common for someone to not know what they want in this situation.

It's clear that Poppy is retaliating because NF stopped placating Poppy. Even the most demure people pleasers have a limit, and NF just couldn't take it anymore.

Also if Poppy had any hopes for a criminal trial against NF, she fucked herself royally with her public (and now archived) posts. A defense lawyer would be skating circles around Poppy. That doesn't mean NF isn't in any danger, but I doubt Poppy will get what she truly wants.

#poppy #poppy and zena #nf

[jiminsass-istant]

So ..about the boycott..

Those who are boycotting, they are not wrong. Infact they are on the right side. But you know what's problematic? Expecting BTS to speak up. That's just childish. Something that people will laugh off. They are literally employed soldiers in SKorea right now..

And some people don't know what a boycott is??! It literally means you stop engaging. If you are boycotting, stop taking the members' names? Stop reposting fun fandom stuff. Don't engage and just change your twitx display name and @. That's what boycotting means. If you boycott and still call yourself a fan, I'm sorry to say that you are looking for attention.

Asking bts to speak up, unfollowing Bam's account... This is all very selfish behaviour. Nothing matters more than the reality of P@lest!ne's suffering. Not your tantrums, not your tears, not your music and artists.

And speaking of streaming, I'm again saying this very blatantly, streaming barely moves the pockets of Hybe. It's the concerts, brand endorsements, albums and merch money that does.

So do your thing. If you are boycotting, do it properly. Stop engaging with anything bts related. Deactivate all your stan accounts. And stop shaming people for being fans.

It's late stage capitalism in this world right now. You simply cannot ask people to stop consuming things. But what they CAN do is spend. So ask them to donate. Not everybody has albums to play on their CD player. Not everybody can simply stop listening to the artists that saved their lives.

There are too many complex things in this world. Things we don't understand yet. So when Namjoon thanks army for streaming his song on his story, I am reminded of how they asked army to trust them. This 'trust' is not just about being there for them in 2025. It's much more than that. These are the same boys who have openly supported palestine in the past. Trust me, they know about the genocide. They know who's at fault. I'm not going to punish them by un-stanning them. That's just careless. I view them as people, not as products.

And everyday the fact that SB is associated with Hybe makes me angry and sad.

But you know what makes me sadder- the lack of permanent ceasefire. We can't claim to know where the money of these big corporations goes and comes from. The best we can do is protest, pressurise the U//S gov+ to stop supporting Isntrahell's crimes. Only the diplomats of other countries can do this. Like South Africa stood up.

Anyway, I can't rant anymore. It just feels so helpless that even in this age of internet and superfast communication, we as the citizens of this world are not able to stop a massacre happening in real time.

[autodiscipline]

55 Questions with Guniw Tools (Eng. translation)

This is an interview with Full & Asaki published to Vicious magazine in September of 1998. The internet is severely lacking in english translations for Guniw Tools so i thought i'd post one^^

Part 1 of the interview under the cut | Part 2

1. What is your earliest memory of being born? Tomo: When I was walking with a wheelbarrow, the noise was so loud that I had to hold the wheelbarrow with my right hand to stop it from making noise. Asaki: What do you mean? 2. What was your nickname in junior high school and high school?  Tomo: I didn't have one. Asaki: Dokyuuseishokun (Classmate)! You know what I mean, don't you? 3. Is there any TV drama (or anime) that you were absorbed in watching without fail? If so, what was the title and why? Tomo: Tom and Jerry. no reason Asaki: I miss it. note: watching tv i presume 4. Do you have a favorite movie? If so, what is it and why?  Tomo: Nothing in particular Asaki: 007 series. I feel close to him.* *like saying ‘he gets me’ 5. Who do you admire the most? Tomo: There is no ‘most’ / No one in particular Asaki: I admire all the people who inspire me. 6. What is the best gift you have ever received Tomo: I've received a lot of handmade clothes. Asaki: A lot of problems… 7. A magic lamp genie will grant you three wishes. What 3 wishes do you wish for? Tomo: The ability to control my physical form at will, to be European, and to become king. Asaki: To buy me cigarettes, beer and snacks. note: same 8. Is there anything you wish for now? What is it? Tomo: Telling a rude person he was ugly and forcing him to recognize it. note: i think he means get used to speaking his mind? Asaki: There are so many things that bother me. 9. What do you like about your partner? (Tomo to Asaki, Asaki to Tomo) Tomo: His presence Asaki: I'm so embarrassed I don't even want to write it down. (Laughs) note: o( ˃ ᵕ ˂)o 10. What do you want your partner to fix now? (If you are Tomo, please ask Asaki. If you are Asaki, please ask Tomo)  Tomo: He likes to smoke. Asaki: You should get your bones mended. (??) 11. Have you ever cursed your partner to go away? What for? Tomo: Caterpillar* *though Full literally says 毛虫 or ‘caterpillar’ he’s calling Asaki a pest, lol Asaki: I have! Lightly. 12. Is there anything you can't do without at least once a week? (excluding alcohol) Tomo: The blood of a virgin. Asaki: Not drinking.* *he says 酒をのぞいちゃだめだめ or something like 'not drinking.. no it’s useless' 13. What animal would you like to own? (Elephants, giraffes, any animal is OK) Tomo: An anteater Asaki: It doesn't seem realistic. 14. Is there a jinx you absolutely believe in? What is it? Tomo: The Furukawa Zashiki-warashi* theory. When you start interacting with me, your life tends to go up, and when you stop interacting with me, it tends to go down. *zakishi-warashi are friendly little ghosts that are said bring good luck & prosperity when they’re in your home Asaki: Smoke (a cigarette) first!

15. Suddenly you win a 100 million lottery ticket! What do you do now? Tomo: I'm a workaholic who can only think of building a workspace Asaki: I'm going to buy cigarettes for now.  16. This is the one thing i cannot lose to others! What is the one thing you can't lose?  Tomo: I'm fine with losing. I'm not a little boy anymore. Asaki: Styling eyebrows!! note: looking at pictures now i’m noticing he really does have perfect eyebrows 17. If you had a friend from Tokyo in Hokkaido, where would you take him or her? Tomo: Maruyama Saryo (sweet shop) and Goto Orthopedic Clinic Asaki: Noodle shop 18. If you weren't a musician, what do you think you would be doing now? Tomo: I don't know, too many things Asaki: I'd probably be sniffing. 19. What type of woman do you like, using a famous person as an example? Tomo: Mariko Kaga about 20 years ago, or Sayuri Ishikawa at the time of her debut. Asaki: Hiroshi Kume* (Sorry! I was aiming for the wrong person…) *Hiroshi Kume is a famous radio host & journalist from the 70’s, & a man 20. Do you have any celebrity friends? If so, who are they? Tomo: It doesn't matter to me who they are... Asaki: First I want to see if I'm in the "celebrity" category...  21. What is the best prank you have ever pulled? Tomo: When I was a company employee, I went to an izakaya* with the general manager of the head office and he asked “what kind of food is this zangi* thing?” “Oh, that,” i said, “is a fish similar to the puffer fish found in the Okhotsk Sea, full of spines, but when you cook it in oil, the spines melt away and it becomes easy to eat” he said “oh true, it’s just like meat” I was so pleased that when I told him, "It's just chicken meat, it's just chicken meat.” he got angry & scolded me. *an izakaya is a type of bar in which a variety of small dishes and snacks are served with alcoholic drinks *zangi is in fact just fried chicken Asaki: I have many great works. 22. A fun thing you will never forget. When and what was it like? Tomo: I caught a 63cm rainbow trout, but my father and I were fighting over the fish so we couldn't tell whose fish it was. Asaki: I'm forgetful.

Please feel free to share this as you'd like, i'd like for their art to be as accessible as possible

You can see the full HQ interview scan here & the rest of photoshoot here

#guniw tools #tomo furukawa #asaki yamahana #translation #some of these are so cute & funny #'Blood of a virgin' i'm loling #tomo telling the story of his 'best prank' & it's just a small lie is so funny. get pranked !!11!! xD

[melias-cimitiere]

Do you think nuclear disarment in all nations is possible? And if so how do you think we could achieve it? I feel like since these weapons of mass destruction were created it is just a net negative for humanity as a whole and leaves us all with a terrifying mass extinction and doom scenario hanging over our heads at the hands of psychopaths. I can't rest easy from it. It's insane that humans allowed this considering how so many world leaders right now are geriatric and highly unstable, only seeking power.

Yes, you are correct in that one cannot rest easy anymore. But whether they are unstable psychopaths, or elderly, or simply greedy and egotistical, wanting to create glory for themselves or to expand their empire - it all boils down to the same problem: if they have such power through nukes, and if they are willing to use them, the world is most likely doomed. I don't think many people can argue against that; to believe one can survive in a nuclear apocalypse like in Mad Max scenario is simply not something to be desired (or even possible). Let me elaborate; people think they can prepare for such a doomsday scenario - or that bullets or tin food will save them.

Ok, here are some basics:

1) ICBMs (intercontinental ballistic missiles) take approximately 25-40 minutes to cross the Atlantic, depending on where they launch. If they are launched from submarines or airplanes that are closer to the target, it could be even quicker. Assuming one gets warning through air-raid siren (or the news), there's nowhere to go (unless there is a nuclear shelter next to their house). Thousands will panic and trample one another on the streets, trying to get somewhere. Huge traffic jams will stop the traffic, block tunnels, causing chaos. All these people are doomed, if the nuke hits home.

2) if the nuke hits further away, and assuming it's smaller yield, kilotons instead of megatons, it can still cause chaos, EMP (the electromagnetic pulse will fry your electronics, no internet, no cellphone service etc) and the fireblast would engulf whole territory; the radioactive fallout will be in two stages: a) the immediate radiation emitted will kill, or cause skin burns and hair loss, including cancer; the rain (if it happens to rain) will be deadly to drink (people in Japan found out when they started to drink it, due to their thirst). Also, b) the fallout that will happen over several months, which will be part of the nuclear winter (if enough nukes are exploded globally). This scenario is very likely, as NORAD and other divisions are programmed to respond with deadly force, if attacked first; the same goes for the other side. In the nuclear exchange, even if many bombs or missiles fail to hit, getting exploded in the air, the world will become 80% uninhabitable.

 But let's suppose that it's a smaller scale war, and that more people survive after a limited nuclear exchange is done. Let's assume these people are still healthy, and able to go out. Go where? Petrol stations will empty in two days, and supermarkets will empty their shelves within a week, same as pharmacies. There will be nothing to buy; and no-one to go to work, to offer services. So looting will take place, and extreme violence. I believe that people are totally unprepared for anything like that, as neither them nor their parents have even lived through a conventional war, let alone such an armageddon. What will they do? 95% of those living in big cities will be doomed, in most scenarios, due to lack of services, starvation, thirst, and falling victim to extreme violence from other desperate people, that have now turned into raiders. The army or the police (if they are still functional) may try to contain some of it but the chances are they will be unable to stop the horror in the many millions of people that will be desperate and needing help; no electricity, no greengrocery, lack of petrol or medication... Even if people have stored ammo or tins, these can only provide for a small scenario - they can never truly have what is needed to survive. Many people will resort to suicide or will fall victim to ruthless others, or even cannibals.

 THE SOLUTION IS:  D O   N O T   H A V E   A   N U C L E A R   W A R.

 Nuclear disarmament is the only sane choice; but in an insane world, where people do not care enough for the world or even for themselves, I have ceased to believe that ALL the countries and their leaders are suddenly going to behave responsibly. It's naïve to think that; in fact, they seem all too eager to do their thing, and to hell with the consequences. So it falls to the people, to wake up and understand that their chances to change something are running out. They should apply pressure to their leaders to be listened to, and to take active involvement in such drastic measures; I know, many will think, "that's the politician's job, not mine". Yeah, but what do you do when your politician doesn't give a damn? It's YOUR world too, after all.

#asks #nuclear war #armageddon #russia #ukraine war #nuclear disarmament #peace #war #atomic warfare #EMP #current events #third world war #crisis

[limeade-l3sbian]

This is such a weird message for you to get but I wanted to get these feelings out somehwere and you are very comforting.

I feel like i’m forever done with social media. I’ve spent so much time on social media since becoming a teenager. I’ve neglected my actual social life completely for years. And it’s not been good for my social development, as an already awkward person back then i’ve only become increasingly more so. But I kept going back to social media. It would make me anxious to be here but also without it. It would make me angry. Having to interact with people and seeing peoples extreme emotionality. It ruined my mood very often. People were always extremely toxic over the smallest disagreements and would throw extremely severe buzzwords at everyone. Like radical feminists being called genocidal or fascist. Even though I knew I was none of those or some of the other stuff others have called me, it felt incredibly burdensome and tiring to have such serious terms thrown as me and others similar over very small disagreements. Then there’s the threat of doxxing online. It got me so scared from years ago when a friend of mine was doxxed over an anime disagreement. Yes you heard that right. She thought a character in a show was overrated and someone took it upon themselves to doxx her and out her sexuality to her family. Luckily they were accepting though surprised. But the mere fact that stuff like that was becoming more and more common place in the online space to do was frightening. Especially nowadays when i’ve been part of communities regarding much more heavy subjects. The odds are higher and I’m too old. I’m only in my twenties but I feel simply too old for all the drama online. It’s exhausting. Seeing people try to argue over the most insignificant stuff you might say in an afterthought on twitter or on here or wherever. People will find a way to start arguments. Always. And im simply not in that mindset to engage anymore. I can’t. While I’m still exhausted I’ve stopped being anxious in the way where i shake. I’m apathetic largely in my reaction towards others online now. I cannot connect to others anymore. I like some more than others but I don’t trust anyone even the slightest bit anymore. My anxiety is mostly focused around the lack of trust now towards the people, not the actual spaces.

You might say it’s odd for me to say all this, online. It is I guess. I’m not leaving the internet per se. I’m just not addicted anymore, i think? I’m not reliant. And i’m completely fed up with social media. I do not wanna make friends or connections. I do not wanna argue my POV with others anymore. I don’t wanna try. Sometimes it’s nice to just exist without having to justify said existence and I think the online space have become nothing except that, people trying to justify their opinion and feelings and push them onto others. I’m doing it in a way now. You will be my last online interaction. I’m sorry. But you are my favorite account on here and you remind someone from my past. In a positive way.

My mother always say that people online are not a real representation of humans. But I always think to myself that I disagree. I think online, people are their truest selves, without the fear of repercussions in most cases. But peoples true selves make me irritable and anxious. So goodbye social networks.

merry belated christmas btw

This was very insightful and actually gave me quite a bit to think about on my end as well, anon! You've perfectly worded what it means to be chronically online. Not in the way meant to offend, but in the literal sense.

I appreciate the kind words 🥹 and I wish you the best of luck! This sounds like a really good decision and the amount of self reflection you have is gonna do you a lot of good now and later. Best of luck! 💜💜💜

#ask

[abeautifulblog]

What’s a controversial opinion that you have?

lol, mate that sounds like a trap, but sure, I'll step on that grenade.

I think the proshipping/antishipping discourse lacks nuance on both sides.

The bullying and the targeted harassment that antis have committed against creators they've deemed insufficiently morally-pure is no way to treat another human being, full stop. No matter what you think they're guilty of, that's mob justice, and like, remember how we generally consider mob justice to be a BAD thing...?

It's also a very simplistic mode of thinking, that both misunderstands the link between performativity and actual behavior, and is ultimately futile, because what they want is just not feasible in the real world.

Seriously, people, give me your actionable plan for how you intend to impose the kind of censorship you want on AO3, that wouldn't just turn into a blunt weapon to be leveraged selectively by anyone with a grudge. You can't. There is no place to draw a line in the sand, re: what kind of content is acceptable and what’s not (because everyone is insufficiently morally-pure for SOMEONE), and even if there were, there is no practical way to implement it on a website that is run by volunteers. Attempting to do so would be the beginning of the end for AO3, because once people start banning things, they don’t stop. The list of banned content is only ever going to get longer, its boundaries more nebulously-defined, until AO3 becomes just as stifling as every other social media platform has, in the name of respectability.

It’s oppressive to live under that kind of censorship -- where part of your mind is always keeping track of what’ll get you kicked, or shadowbanned, or quietly delisted. And the upshot of it all is that in the end, they don’t even need to censor us anymore -- we have been conditioned into censoring ourselves.

(Not to mention that all it does is drive problematic content underground. A platform that formally bans, say, rape content isn’t actually going to be free of rape content, it just means that creators aren’t going to properly tag for it anymore, because that would get it insta-deleted/banned. And now users who would like to avoid it can’t.)

Honestly, AO3 is a breath of fresh air in the current internet landscape, and so when I see people say that they "don't like AO3--" that is a red fuckin’ flag to me. How, pray tell, is AO3 insufficiently woke for you?

...

....BUT, on the other hand, the phrase "live and let ship" often gets wielded to demand that problematic content not just be free from harassment and censorship, but also free from criticism, and -- hoo buddy, I think not. 🙃 No, actually, I am not going to shut up about how I think your fav is shitty and toxic. You don't have to come onto my blog and see it -- and I would not dream of going onto someone else’s blog and starting shit, srsly, just stay in your own lane -- but this is my space, to do with as I want, and I am going to stand on my soapbox and nail the list of their sins to the church door.

Because the antis’ position (as I understand it), is 1) the fear that fiction about fucked-up content will either encourage/enable more people to do those fucked-up things IRL, and 2) the belief that anyone who writes about fucked-up content is endorsing that behavior. But the response that gets trotted out to that is "lol what idiots, they think people can't tell the difference between fiction and reality!" and arguing that there's no harm in people writing whatever weird and fucked-up stuff they like, because it's just a story.

My dudes -- I cannot convey to you how disingenuous "it's just a story" is.

We, humans, are so massively influenced by the stories around us. No, fiction isn’t reality -- no actual humans were harmed by the whumping of blorbos -- but we often look to it as if it were, and, consciously or not, often model ourselves after the patterns we see in stories. Fiction tells us what kind of behavior is acceptable or unacceptable; what men/women are “supposed” to be like; what ~those people~ are like. We internalize so much of what we see in media, without necessarily recognizing that these are someone else’s opinions being implanted into our heads, nor recognizing when we reenact those behaviors ourselves. As the kids say: You are not immune to propaganda.

When toxic and abusive relationships are being held up as the height of romance, that has real world consequences.

(That said, Hollywood’s rancid takes on race/sex/relationship dynamics have done infinitely more damage than even the most Problematique fanfic in existence. That is where the influence and impact is, so maybe let's point our guns at the real enemy instead of at each other, yeah?)

And proshippers will say "don't like, don't read," but it's not quite as simple as that. Indeed, I personally do not like [redacted ship], and therefore I don’t read it -- but we also need to be free to talk about the things we don't like, and why. When we see something that makes us go "hey wow that's kinda fucked up,” we need to be able to have that conversation without being told "then just don't read it! you’re being an asshole and a killjoy by spoiling it for the people who DO like it!"

Friends, I am not interested in spoiling anyone’s enjoyment of anything.

You can write and consume problematic content without being a problematic person. Fiction is not reality; you are hurting no one by hurting blorbo, or by enjoying watching blorbo being hurt, or by imagining your blorbos in a relationship that is, strictly speaking, somewhat less than healthy.

But you do need to be aware of what it is you're consuming -- and therefore unconsciously internalizing -- and honestly, AO3 is far better about this than mainstream media.

Part of the beauty of AO3′s tagging system is that it allows the creator to give a meta framing for the story, that may not be visible within the text itself. Take, for instance, how many, many people over the decades have somehow misread Lolita as ~a story of forbidden love~, but if Nabokov had been posting it on AO3, I guarantee you he would have tagged it with rape/noncon elements, pedophilia, child sexual abuse, grooming. He’s on record saying that Lolita is a horror story told from the point of view of the monster.

There is a world of difference between a story that knows it’s fucked up, and a story that doesn’t. The latter is What We Need To Talk About; the former, assuming it’s been properly tagged, is honestly a lot less harmful.

Depiction isn’t necessarily glorification. Oftentimes when people are writing about something fucked up, it’s to shine a light on that and go, HEY WOW, SO THIS IS PRETTY FUCKED UP, HUH? Whenever you see a fic with the tag “Dark [Blorbo]”, for instance, that is an explicit acknowledgment that Blorbo’s actions in this story are not alright. It is, once again, fiction telling us what kind of behavior is socially acceptable, and the message in darkfic is “...and this is NOT!”

So yeah.

I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that trying to suppress criticism and/or problematic content isn’t it. Nor is turning criticism into personal attacks. If you have an issue with a particular character, or a particular ship, by all means, get on your soapbox and start preaching. That’s what meta is. But take aim at the subject matter, not the individual fan creators who get a kick out of it.

And also just -- don't be a dick. Nothing in fandom is worth harming actual other people for.

Anyway, now that I’ve pissed off everyone on both sides, time to kick back with a nice relaxing glass of 4Loko. Cheers y’all. ✌

#tw: rape #tw: abuse #asks

[jeanmoreausautismstickers]

Small Radio Silence Spoilers

cannot talk to my friends about this so here we are the Carys thing at Aled’s (and technically her) birthday? wild the LACK OF BOUNDARIES people have! i was FUMING. im still fuming

i have such a love/hate relationship with Raine because of the way she (basically) keeps calling him a privileged white boy and saying his life’s perfect because he’s internet famous and got into a good university and all that. like YES i know she doesnt know but also, regardless of how famous he is, he’s still a very young adult (read: he just BECAME an adult) and is still entiteld to his privacy. he’s still a person, and he very very very obviously didnt want fans to know. regardless of his reasoning (which was valid!!) it should’ve been respected. it makes me so mad that it wasnt, and that the fans entirely blew off the want for privacy (sounds a bit like the Kit Conner thing, doesnt it? hm.)

okay the thing with Frances kissing Carys and thinking its her fault :( but THEN Aled CONFIRMING HER FEAR and also the “why are you so obsessed with me!” argument made me so sad 

im currently at the bit right after Aled’s left for uni and im fucking CRUSHED about him an Daniel not speaking anymore. like im sad about him and Frances as well obviously, but GOD that bit broke me i feel so bad for all of them i just want to give them all a hug  like, yes i was sad about Toulouse no longer being part of UC, and about Aled and her falling out and the argument and shit but christ in a handbag. Frances: “have you been seeing Aled much?” Daniel: “you know about us, dont you?” F: “yeah” D: “well he doesnt talk to me anymore” F: “why?” D: “i dont know, he just stopped texting me one day” i BROKE. never in my life have i ever been so sad about a characters break up?? also Aleds mum cutting his hair!!! im so mad!!! it does remind me of that one tiktok thing that went round a while ago where this mum had cut her kids hair as a lesson or something? i dont know my sister told me about it but yeah reminded me quite a lot of that.

sorry my grammar is garbage, ive been up all night reading lol

#radio silence #aled last #daniel jun #frances janvier #carys last #carol last #osemanverse #alice oseman #i am sobbing #i love them so much #theyve broken me #im a puddle of tears at the moment #praying they get well soon

[awrldalone]

23rd September 2022, 11.26am

Cold hands. I have just finished reading Radio Silence by Alice Oseman and this plane seat is hard, uncomfortable. I did not manage to text my father before departing because there was no internet connection once the airport wifi became out of reach, and I am already dreading the philippic I will have to sit through in the car.

I have been thinking about my boyfriend a lot. I always do, I always have, but lately it has been different. Difficult thoughts, confused cacophonies of phrases without beginning nor end. I think he loves me, and I think I love him, no, I know I love him, but this whole thing is taking a toll on both of us. We live so far apart that I have forgotten the exact shade of his eyes. I remember once, one of the first time he was in Venice, we went inside a church near my old high-school, and right at the door the sun hit him beautifully. I lack the right words to describe the angelic glow of his skin, the stark contour of his features, the dark silk of his hair — and the color of his eyes.

His sweater, the one I stole from him, smells like me now.

We thought it would get easier. This summer was hard, very hard, but we kept going because we had decided to would get easier. But coming to him is at least one hundred and twenty euros, going back home doubles the sum, and we both cannot skip too many lessons. It also takes an incredibly long time, between twelve and twenty hours depending on the day of the week and price.

I should have been more impulsive. I should have gone to France for university, instead of letting myself be persuaded by the rational.

Lately we have been talking less and less. When I was living in Venice, we called basically every day. I would put on my blue earbuds and look at his blurry image full-screen on my laptop. Now it takes him so long to reply to my texts. And last time he called, he said we need to talk about this, and by this I think he meant us, and he probably meant breaking up.

Sometimes I wish he would. Yesterday night, drinking cold coffee while washing the dishes, there’s always so many dishes to clean, I wondered how I would react if he just left me. My heart is breaking. Countless cracks, big and small and thin and thick and deep and on the surface, have been forming on my organs. I just wish he crushed them. For all I care, he could crush my heart and eat my intestines. Sell my kidneys, both of them, for all I care. The pain would be immense, but this agony would stop eventually.

I did not make many new friends at University. It makes me feel like I felt when I was eight. It’s infantilizing, I am trying all I can not to regress to a primordial state and push my knees to my chest while letting my eyes be the genesis of the Nile.

I do not like the people I met. Everyone seems dull. I must sound conceited, a hypocrite. Maybe I am, but they do not seem like people I could get along with. Half of them are there because they have the money, the other because they want the money - and I am there because I have always been told I would be good at it, and I am, but so far it does not feel fulfilling. I should have just studied English Literature, or Art History, or Philosophy, or Creative Writing. I would do all if I could. Law has started seeming so sterile, everything has been put in clear plastic boxes, and I like colors shapes lines stains hot pink bright red deep blue spring green lemon yellow. Everything makes me regret not having chosen France. I would have still studied Law, but Art History too with it.

And I would have been close to M. Besides, Ce. also lives there. She does not seem to be doing too well either, but at least she is busy. I have all this time on my hands. All these things to study and all this time to study them and all this time to sit on the cold floor with my legs crossed staring at my phone or the cement while listening to music. Sometimes I do not even hear the words anymore. Sometimes I feel hollow. I used to feel hollow a lot, but now I realized that I did in fact feel the opposite. Full and restrained. I am still full and restrained, but these restraints are eating me from the inside.

I miss his voice, the real one, not the one faintly filtered by microphones and speakers. I miss his skin on mine I miss miss miss. I long to be touched, but it goes deeper than that. I long to be fully understood, fully appreciated, loved, like he only can.

I wonder how long until this plane lands. I wonder if I will be able to just cry alone for a while tonight.

-c.

#diary

[undeadorion-archive]

Who wants to hear a long story about how stupid assholes on the internet fucked my head up so hard I still causes me anxiety and trouble to this day? Jumping between in person and online, from way back in the days of LJ RP (before tumblr even existed) to just a few years ago. 

People whose names are replaced with initials are those who are either innocent, merely suspected of involvement, or just aren’t bad enough to warrant being named. Or their actions were just heinous towards me personally. It’s a complicated mess.

I’ve always loved to RP, especially my own characters. Heck, until about 2008, I almost exclusively RPed OCs. I’d dabbled in fandom RP but just couldn’t get into the groove of it. Most of this was done with a friend who I eventually was coerced into dating, who I also lived with, named Bianca. We started out with OCs only, and eventually she moved into fandom stuff on LJ. I followed but I assumed my lack of fun was from not fitting in with fandom RP but boy was I wrong. There was so much simmering behind the scenes that I wouldn’t find out until way, way, waaay later. 

Bianca and I were in a rough spot. I was living on my own for the first time, struggling to figure out how to keep bills paid. Bianca didn’t have a job due to disabilities. Before she even moved in we made a deal. I’d handle paying for everything if she managed daily chore stuff. Not major stuff, just like doing the dishes and going to the store that was only a few blocks away. Only she didn’t. And she claimed she couldn’t because of trauma from her abusive grandmother that she’d lived with. So I ended up doing everything. Which left me drained and stressed 24/7. She then accused me of being angry any time I showed frustration in even the smallest way. Meanwhile she stayed home and got to draw and RP all day long. 

I cannot vouch for the specifics of her disability. All she told me was it was a type of seizures, but she never had one while I was around. And she never wanted me to go with her to any appointments or help her with her with trying to get on SSI. Nor did I ever see a single sheet of paperwork. 

She’d started accusing me of stealing her money at some point. She would often ask her grandfather send money to my bank account (she didn’t have one for some reason), and she’d tell me it was for bills so I used to to pay our massively overdue bills. And not giving it all to her in cash. 

Eventually, I reached a breaking point. I couldn’t handle the stress anymore. So I sat down with her and just said we needed to find another solution, even if it meant moving in with my mother or something. Not even a finite thing just “I can’t keep doing this, let’s find a solution together.” And I may as well have screamed at her to get out for how she reacted. And she was gone the very next day, acting as if I’d kicked her out. A family of her friend somehow managed to get there the next day. They lived more than a 12 hour drive away, and had enough money to take her to Disneyland for her birthday. So I often suspect that she’d had a plan in place already just gave her an excuse, but I have nothing but my gut to backup that theory.

What I found out later is that she’d been telling people that I was abusive to her. She would tell people that I ate everything in the apartment leaving nothing for her, as well, giving me a nickname that involved the word “Gluttonous” because I was overweight. Many many years later people started to see through it, saying it was her typical pattern and she’d done the same to them. She’d latch on to someone and leech off of them and when they stopped feeding into her nonsense she’d insisted they mistreated her and demonize the hell out of them so her next victim wouldn’t question anything the last person said. 

Soon after I parted ways with Bianca, I encountered B. B and I worked together in a hellish call center. She gave he yet another entry into LJ RP with a group that hadn’t already heard hellish fabricated tales of what sort of person I was. And this time it seemed to go better.

I got used to the fandom thing and found characters I enjoyed playing. But it was a headache for all new reasons (petty drama unrelated to my other issues). Finally, I gave up on fandom stuff for a bit and went back to an OC. And I thought I’d settled into a game pretty well, along with B and a few other mutual friends. 

That’s where I met Dal. The first person to really fuck me up in this tale. Dal was one of the people in charge of the game, and was the first mod to not completely ignore me. Heck, we seemed to click and RPed a lot together, our characters developing a sort of sibling dynamic. I was always low key worried about him, though. He said he had cancer, and that it had wrecked his hearing but he had a cochlear implant. But also claimed the implant had basically a headphone jack to plug directly into stuff music players hence why he was able to send me so much music. 

Some drama happened and the game split. Dal, me, and 2 others tried setting up our own game. But then somehow it felt like me and Dal versus the other two. I asked if the four of us should have a discussion together, cause I didn’t know what was happening. He said he’d handle it, and suddenly one of the other two started attacking me with vague accusations of talking behind their back. They both left the game and Dal and I tried to keep building it. But then one day he just wasn’t online. And the next day. And the next week. I feared the worst, and had no idea how to even find out the truth. I didn’t even know any of Dal’s other friends. Until after about 6 months I did some poking around and ended up messaging one person I’d seen Dal interacting with. Who just told me everything was fine and wouldn’t elaborate.

Years and years later, I found out the truth. It’s just a thing Dal did. He’d set up new identities, find new victims to isolate and torment. Feed them heaps of bullshit, usually around made up health issues. Then ghost them to start all over again with a new name. And I’d been his victim for those few months. I’d even managed to talk to one of the other two involved way after the fact. They wouldn’t tell me exactly what had been said that day, but I got enough to know that Dal told them absolute lies about me to get them to lash out. 

Dal was just the initial blow to my trust, though. It got so much worse than just one asshole.

Not long after, I joined the game I would be in for the longest stretch of time. Overall, I had great memories there and even still have a scant few friends from those days. But signing up there was the start of what would become a nightmare. B was there with me. And that’s where I met A, O, and T, along with their extended friend group. 

This was the group that told me I was “too eager” and wanted to be involved “too much.” Any time an event asked for volunteers, I’d volunteer. I was never picked, though. And just that act of being willing to be involved in almost anything was mocked. It didn’t matter how much I actually did. 

I always felt weirdly snubbed by A and O, but I tried to ignore it assuming it was my anxiety. But I’d learned later I should have trusted my gut. 

One thing to know for later is that any chance I got, I’d dress as my character (Crawford). Without being fully aware of it at the time, it was my first explorations of being trans. But I’d equated the way I felt to the character rather than the gender, though I only did it 2 or 3 times between conventions and halloween. A, O, and others treated me like I was super weird for it, too. In that judging looks and not wanting to be around me but not actually saying anything directly about it sort of way. 

This is because A and O lived in my same apartment complex--some time before I’d moved in with B after her previous roommate suddenly left. We were neighbors and hung out frequently. Or rather A and O hung out with B. I was just there. And they ignored me both in person and in game. But I just kept right on going. 

T got involved in person later, but she’d been in the game with us. She often came to visit from out of town and eventually wanted to move to the area. B and I had been looking for a 3rd roommate, so we made a deal. We’d cover her rent and I’d help her cover her necessary expenses so long as she was working on getting a job. Don’t ever do this, especially with someone you barely know moving out on their own for the first time. It became habit to ask how her job search went when I got home from work. Not even asking for details, and only once per day. Then out of the blue she blew up at me for “harping” on her about it. Meanwhile I was helping her pay for everything. Eventually it was discovered she wasn’t actually doing much to look for a job at all. But in the end she did find employment. Eventually.

Somewhere in this whole mess, I was still trying to make everyone like me. And I went out of my way one year to make every single person in the group a custom decorated cake for their birthday. Usually on some sort of fandom theme, and always 100% from scratch. And every time I did this, T would point out there was a cake mix in the back of the pantry and asked why I didn’t just use that. A lot of reasons: it wasn’t the right flavor, I wasn’t using box mix, and it had been in the apartment longer than I had been (it was left behind by a former roommate). For some reason she thought I was being wasteful in not using it.

Then T said she’d make my cake for my birthday. I saw her come home with the ingredients and everything. Then when she served it, she pointed asked me, in front of everyone, how it was. It was bland box cake mix made by someone who could barely scramble eggs let alone bake a cake, but I said it was good to be nice. And with all the smugness possible, she informed me it was the stale box mix from the back of the pantry. I just put my cake down and went into my room. Leaving my own birthday party. 

After all my efforts to make the group happy, it felt like a massive betrayal.

A and O’s other roommate told me later that it a cruel thing to do. She said the three of them would do something to make up for it, but nothing happened. 

Meanwhile game stuff was slowly falling apart. A was a mod, along with with a mutual friend of ours by this point. And all A did was complain that people kept asking her things while the friend was stuck doing all the work. 

Among all these people was E, who was one of the only decent people in the group. They were a college student who often crashed at our apartment to get away from campus on the weekends. Then on one long holiday I started to notice that E wasn’t bathing at all. I tried to casually remind them that the main shower was available and they seemed uncomfortable with that. So I offered mine (I had the master bedroom), and they weren’t comfortable with that either. Eventually I tried to say it was fine by going into the main bathroom and it was like stepping into Silent Hill. 

Having my own bathroom I never had occasion to even look in the main one, which always had the door shut. B and T not only didn’t clean it but did god knows what to encourage the growth of mold. The walls and ceiling were absolutely covered in black splotches. I thought I was going to be sick. Both B and T tried to pull the “I didn’t know!” excuse about needing to keep a bathroom aired out and clean. I made them scrub it all, like I was their goddamn parent and they were teenagers not two grown ass adults. And they whined the whole time like teenagers because they discovered normal bathroom cleaner wasn’t enough to fully remove it. I ended up buying them the right stuff, iirc, because neither of them had enough awareness to go to the store and look for a cleaner with big bold letters that said it killed mold.

After that, I had to get out. Our lease would be up soon and I wasn’t going to be responsible for their damages. I gave them something like a 2 month warning that I would be leaving. I spent several weeks slowly packing up my stuff and taking over the dining room for that whole time. I talked about it frequently. Then the night before the actual move, when I was talking to B about what to expect, T looked at me suddenly shocked and asked what they were going to do about rent. As if I’d just told her in that moment I was going to move. 

I cut ties with T, A, and O. And for a brief time with B. B and I ended up roommates again, but that’s a whole other story for another time. I eventually left the game because most of my actual friends had left or lost interest and most people at that point just ignored me. I tried to come back, but to no avail.

Having been in one game for so long, I felt weirdly lost. But then everything came together when I thought I’d found a new perfect game. The setting was amazing and some friends from the years-long game where there, too! I joined up and had a blast terrorizing people with a unrepentantly evil vampire. I met one of my absolute best friends of my entire life in that game. Who much, much, much later led to me meeting a second lifetime best friend. 

Only once I was IN the game, I discovered something....it had been founded by none other than Bianca. She was long gone, but some of her closest friends were still in there. At this point I still didn’t know that she’d been spreading rumors about me, let alone to what extent. I discovered this by someone being super eager to greet me into the game...before blocking me without warning when they found out who I was. 

It became a read headache because Bianca’s minions wouldn’t let other players so much as mention me or my characters around them or their characters. But he’d already become a game-wide threat that most everyone knew about. The mods had to get involved because a player wouldn’t let my character use the medical facilities because the player claimed their character was in charge of them. The mods had to inform them that their character didn’t own a predefined game setting open to all players.  

This was also when someone anonymously posted that they hated my writing style because not everything was full essay style sentences. I intentionally use sentence fragments and repetition in my writing. It’s a pretty common thing to do, and they hated it so much they wanted me to write like them. I found out later that it was likely one of the primary people I RPed with which seriously undermined my confidence. 

Eventually the tensions in the game and the stress of real life got to be too much and I left, thinking it would be temporary until I got things sorted. When I tried to rejoin a few months later I was informed I was banned because of Bianca’s minions reporting I was a bad person to the mods, but no one would tell me that. It was just a vague claim that I made people “some players” uncomfortable, without any specifics.

That’s when a years-long saga involving an entirely different group in person and online happened, this time on Tumblr. And still with ties to the old nonsense because one of the people involved was someone I’d met sort of because they were mutual friends with Bianca. I ended up repeating the same mistakes as I did with Bianca and T combined, in letting someone move in with me, offering to pay for everything while they got on their feed, coerced into a relationship, blamed for everything, and just kicked aside. And again I was accused of kicking someone out...after they were the ones to dump me and declared they were moving out before I’d fully processed what had happened? I still don’t understand what happened there. All while online drama had happened with the RP and I was called a bully for trying to stop someone who was trampling all over everyone’s fun by being mean on purpose and ignoring boundaries.

I was also manipulated by that mutual friend I mentioned, only to be treated like garbage. But those are all stories I’ve shared before. 

In among that, however, was what made me leave DW (shifted over from LJ) RP for Tumblr. I made the mistake of ignoring major red flags with Carley. She latched on to me pretty hard because I played the things she liked. But she quickly isolated me from my other online friends by occupying every possible moment of my time. She’d bombard me with messages and would demand I respond to her RP stuff immediately. Even when I was trying to work, which she didn’t think counted because I was a freelancer at the time. Carley expected all of her RP ideas to taken as a whole with no changes. If I suggested even the slightest tweak on an idea she’d say “nevermind” and throw the whole thing out and come up with a new one. And if I presented literally anything, she’d dismiss it and replace it with her own thing. Which was sometimes my idea with minor things changed. 

When anything went wrong in character, even when it was a thing that was planned to go wrong, she would blame my character and by extension me. Like she wanted an scenario where something happened that left my character feeling down so her character could comfort him. Only once I set up the scene it was his and my fault, and her character saying “well, you’re not considering MY feelings.” It was emotional whiplash, and any time I tried to explain that it wasn’t sitting right with me she acted like I was confusing IC and OOC.

This was the first time I recognized abuse in the moment. Because if that I wanted an outside opinion. So I talked to the above mentioned partner and one of her friends about it. The friend essentially mocked me and said abuse couldn’t happen like that. It was online and we weren’t in a relationship so it couldn’t be mental or emotional abuse. Which felt like a slap in the face. 

That’s when I befriended Kat and R. R and I were both caught in Carley’s nonsense, and Kat was a mutual friend of ours. It was together that we managed to get away from her before she imploded her own reputation in a very public way that would take way too long to explain. I tried one last time to explain to Carley what my problem was. And as if she was following the emotional abusers handbook she responded as though she had no idea what I was talking about and implied it was all just my perception. 

Kat, R and I got along for a while. And Kat’s in person friend E joined us for RP shenanigans. We had fun for a while. R eventually drifted away. She ended up sort of using me for something unrelated before ghosting me, but it was minor and might just be a product of not being online so much. 

E was pretty okay, but always overshadowed by Kat who was one of those people that demanded to be the center of attention always and never gave anything in return. She insisted I was her best friend. Frequently....in private. But publicly (we used a social media site called Plurk that’s popular with that particular RP crowd) she practically treated me like a stranger. She basically ignored me in her public conversations while lavishing attention on someone who was known for having a lot of money. 

And again, I repeated my mistakes. I kept thinking if I was just a better friend, then I’d earn that attention in return! I’d draw stuff for her, I’d jump on which ever new character she wanted to RP as. I’d push my interests aside in order to conform to what was needed in the moment. I was so busy trying to make HER happy that it took a while before I realized she wasn’t even doing the bare minimum one would expect from a friend, let alone what you’d expect from someone who frequently called you their best friend. 

It was stuff like the moment she’d need my attention she’d pester me until I responded and gave her what she needed. But any time I needed a friend to talk to about literally anything, she couldn’t be bothered. At first I chalked it up to her being busy, but that can only go so far. One time I expressed this frustration to her. One example I used was that she was always publicly congratulating the rich friend on every little possible thing and she couldn’t even be bothered to say anything on my birthday (not even asking her to remember it, cause I sure can’t remember anyone’s birthdays). So the next day she found some minor accomplishment to publicly congratulate me for and never did it ever again. 

She also smoked a lot of weed. Which I don’t judge anyone for, I just asked that she respect the fact that I didn’t like weed myself and would prefer to not be involved in any stoner-specific shenanigans. And for the most part she did respect my request. But we’ll get back to that.

Eventually, after tumblr, I found my way back to DW. But a lot had changed and it wasn’t really the scene I knew. Tumblr kids had invaded and sanded off all the rough edges to make it all soft and cuddly. Character tension used to be the favored thing to RP, which I live for. Fighting, arguing, anything to build off of. Only now it was cool to demonize even the slightest negative interaction. 

I didn’t realize just how bad it had gotten until I joined what looked like a delightful psychological horror setting. I was like “heck yeah, fuck my character up.” Since I’d been RPing as Thor on tumblr, I decided to bring him in, thinking he’d contrast well with a character Kat had...only she never once RPed with me there. 

Only...things got weird. Fast. I THOUGHT I was having a grand old time, but I was so wrapped up in plotting my own stuff I didn’t realize I was taking the setting more seriously than other people. There was a semi-mindcontrol event going on where during the day characters had a strong urge to play hero against mobs of people threatening player characters and at night they had a strong urge to attend what was basically a rave with body-altering drinks. Though I handwaved a lot of it, Thor spent two solid weeks barely sleeping. As if he’d resist an urge to fight or party. Especially when he was coming off the end of Ragnarok and ignoring all those weird emotions. After the two weeks were over he crashed, hard. Cause one of the side effects of giving in was exhaustion. Plus I had life stuff to do so I just said he was out for a while. 

Only other players started treating it strangely. Jokes made out of character were taken as 100% serious. Then the Captain America character treated him like a child for what the player assumed to be flat out not bathing, when he’d practically been in a coma for several days and woke up exhausted and depressed. 

This was all with a side of a lot of people demanding to play things with their personal versions of Thor that they’d imagined, ignoring all of the stuff I’d already built up. It was the complicated thing of being overwhelmed with attention for once, but it was all for my character and they didn’t actually care about me as the player. Not in a “what about me” sort of way, but more about what I had planned, what I wanted to do, and my own perceptions of the character. A lot of people (like the Cap) treated him like an idiot, based on things that the character hadn’t been there for in canon, or flat out hadn’t happened. I expressed this frustration and got mocked for it. Quite a bit.

Out of spite, I dusted off Crawford for the first time since that game I’d been in for several years. And no one outside of my immediate friends wanted to RP with him. Because by now OCs were sneered at in DW. They were seen as “lesser” compared to fandom characters, all because of a few bad apples doing weird shit with OCs in the past. And this became part of my frustration that I voiced. Pointing out that people would dog pile on one of my characters and completely ignore the other. 

And then I made one fatal mistake. I’d tagged a random person with Crawford. A simple response to a public post. 

What I hadn’t known was that the character was played by someone named Red. Red had been in the years long game with me, but I didn’t really talk to them. They were friends with the A and O crew, but they didn’t interact with me much. They were just a name I vaguely recognized and had zero idea they held such a strong resentment for me. Red responded to everyone else but me, and shortly after, an anonymous post appeared. 

DW works differently than Tumblr. Instead of sending anon directly, most of it goes into a separate community. These are cesspools where everyone is anon and they use it to attack people, then they blame you for looking at it. It’s heinous. I’d peek in once in a while but generally left it alone. Only a friend told me to be careful because I’d been mentioned. 

Like a fool, I looked. And it was people tearing me and Crawford to pieces. A few people tried to get them to say what the exact and currently problem was (Despite being a cesspool there were rules about what you could drag into that space). They were mostly vague, or brought up super old stuff. They cited stuff like the fact that Crawford has a tragic backstory, responds to most things with anger, and wears a lot as legit reasons to hate on him that hard. They accused me of “soulbonding” with my own OC....an OC that was the very manifestation of my own gender issues at the time I created him. But they wouldn’t give any details on my alleged soulbonding. Just stated it as fact. 

That’s when I took a closer look at the players in the game. When I joined a new game, I looked for specific names (Bianca, Carley, etc), so no one had stood out at the time. And that’s when I realized A was there. 

My theory is that the soulbonding accusation was the result of those weird looks I got from A and her friends when I dressed as Crawford. That she and Red had warped those times into something else entirely. 

There was a lot more to it than that and it went on for hours. I felt utterly broken. I’d been struggling to make friends already so I didn’t have many people to turn to. Kat tried to talk to me and I didn’t know how to articulate what I was dealing with. I’d just said something vague about being upset. 

Already super raw from everything, her response was like grinding sand into an open wound. She said something along the lines of “I’d suggest you smoke some weed but you don’t do that!” and laughed about it. It was just a minor little comment. The tiniest betrayal of my boundaries that I would have otherwise brushed off. But it was the fact that for once I’d genuinely needed her, and she treated it like joke. I at least had my wits about me enough to calm down first.

I didn’t talk to her about it until the next day. I didn’t even say what I was upset about, just that I’d been in a bad spot and she hurt me. She of course pulled the “Well I didn’t MEAN to” tactic. That’s when I realized she wasn’t actually my friend and I’d been used the whole time. 

In dropping myself from the game we’d been in, I also removed a LOT of people from Plurk. Some of them were expected cause we didn’t talk. Others were out of paranoia because I no longer knew who I could trust. And like Tumblr, Plurk doesn’t inform anyone when you unfriend them. One of the people I removed was E, because she was so close with Kat I didn’t know whos side she’d be on. Within the hour, E realized I’d removed her and started screaming at me. Somehow thinking I secretly accused her of being involved in the anon comments being made about me. 

I just left after that. Completely.

I’ve tried to go back in some ways, but it’s just not the same. I’ve tried setting up RP stuff with friends, but all that old paranoia comes back. Heck, I have trouble even talking about my OCs anymore because of it all. 

I keep thinking it’s all over, too. That I’m finally rid of it and everyone has moved on. But its spread outside of LJ. I randomly find I’ve been blocked by someone on twitter. And 9 times out of 10 they’re either knew Bianca or the other person I dated. Or in some cases, both. And it’s not just random people. It’s people with influence in industries I want to be a part of, like Iron Spike. 

I guess this is all to say I want to work past this and share about my characters more. But there’s so much baggage and I’m sick of acting like it’s not there. And on the surface it may not seem like a lot. But your trust is seriously destroyed when you don’t even know who exactly was involved or what others have been told about you. Or when you’ve been used by just so many people who pretended to be your friend. 

To this day, anyone who calls me their best friend in private immediately puts me on high alert. But thanks to Jo and HZZ I know that not everyone is like that, and what good friends are supposed to be like. 

#emotional abuse cw #personal trauma dumping #the smallest shit can really build up huh

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #175

Do you own anything from Victoria's Secret "Pink" line? Do you really think the clothes are worth the price? No, I couldn't fit in their stuff, but also I would not pay those ridiculous prices for undergarments or perfumes. I haven't heard good things about how their models are treated either, so I don't want to support their business anyway.

Who would you say is the overall best person you know, and why? Uh, that's really hard. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, like I really don't know. People I know may excel in one attribute, but seriously lack in other things. I suppose my mom is the closest that comes to mind though, her level of forgiveness, selflessness, and loyalty is fucking unreal, I just don't like how aggressively spiteful she is towards my dad. She's also a massive doormat, like people use her A LOT, and it's all because she has no idea how to say no, and she knows it.

Do you have a specific gas station you usually go to? Or do you stop wherever? No; I don't drive/have my own car, but Mom will try to pick out a lower price than other ones when she's driving around. We have a Shell or something not even a minute down the road which I do think we usually use, but she definitely sometimes picks other places.

What is your opinion on dating someone who already had a child/children from a previous relationship? It's not something I personally want; I do think someone having a kid could contribute to me choosing to not date them, but I'm unsure. It's not to be mean or anything, I just know that I could never be a proper parent figure to them, especially a child that isn't mine, and when you decide to date a parent, you're picking that child to be in your life too.

Have you recently accomplished anything that you are proud of yourself for? Yeah, honestly. I'm becoming capable of lasting longer and longer on the exercise bike, I'm being more diligent with my diet, still sometimes doing my PT exercises (by this point I've mostly outgrown them, other exercises like the bike benefit me more), and even after like, five-ish months or so of searching, I'm still job hunting nearly daily. Indeed has practically been my homepage lol.

Are you still friends with any of your exes? Do you still communicate with any of them at all? No. I'd be fine interacting with Aaron in a hypothetical situation, we have no ill feelings towards one another at all that I know of, we just grew apart, I don't even think he has social media anymore.

Is there anyone that you text on a regular basis that you do not have saved in your phone? If so, why don't you have their number saved? No.

What's the color of your front door? It's white.

How many people have you been really in love with? Two.

How frequently are you inclined to read, and how much? Not much, honestly... and definitely not as much as I want to. Odds are if I have access to technology, I'm using that in some way instead of reading, but I hate that about me. Like, I do enjoy reading, I have fun doing it when I'm into the book, but it like, automatically takes a backseat if I have Internet access. I'm entirely aware it's because I'm addicted to technology, like I've known this about me for a very, very long time.

How do you feel after spending a great quantity of time online? Oh yikes, that timing lol. I'm basically always online, like if I'm conscious the odds are high I'm at my desk on this laptop doing one thing or another, and I really do hate it about me. I've been this way since I was a kid and I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to tame it down unless I literally had no way of accessing it, period. Even when I DIDN'T have access to a computer for around two months, as soon as I got it back, I was back to my normal ways again.

What is something you hope you never have to do again? Various health issues. Work in customer service of any sort.

Have you ever seen a leech in person? I feel like I have? I'm terrified of them though, I fucking cannot handle parasites, so I feel I'd remember if I ever had one on me.

What are two things you'd tell your child self that you wish you would've known then? TO STOP GIVING A SHIT ABOUT BEING SEEN AS "WEIRD" OR "CHILDHISH" AND JUST BEING SO FUCKING SENSITIVE TO JUDGMENT. Honestly, I feel like half the "judgment" I obsessed over never even really fucking happened, like there was no ill intent behind things said, I just take negative opinions of my interests to be a very personal attack on me as an individual. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and when you consider I'm more sensitive than ever about me and my hobbies and what I like, it's clear that this is an issue that was never corrected, and my life would be PROFOUNDLY improved if I stopped giving such a shit about the opinions of people whose names I don't even know or whose faces I've only seen once. The second thing I'd tell myself is to be strong and brave, and know that even when things got too dark to see where my life was heading, we came out of the tunnel one day to see light in life again.

Did you used to play hopscotch? Yeah I did.

Do you have anything monogrammed? No, that's never been my thing. My sisters like that stuff, though.

Have you ever joined a mosh pit? No, even as a big metal music lover I do not see the appeal in these at all. People get seriously hurt in those things, like I think people have literally been trampled and died.

Have you ever been hurt by a narcissist? Yes. Then again, I feel like most people have been in one way or another.

Have you forgiven everyone who's wronged you? Way too fucking many too many goddamn times.

What's your favorite thing to do at sunrise? Watch it happen, and also listen to the birds.

What does Notre Dame Cathedral mean to you, and how has its fire affected you? It's an incredible bastion of art and its persistence through time, I was heartbroken when the fires happened. It felt like watching the burning of the Library of Alexandria in modern times. I can't imagine seeing such a fantastic piece of architecture crumbling and NOT be affected by it.

Are you prophetic? I don't believe anyone is, we're all just mortal humans here for barely a blink in the grand scheme of existence and the universe.

Have you ever smoked weed, and if yes, did you like it? No, I'm not into smoking any substance. I do want to try an edible one day in a safe environment with people I trust, though, because I'm very curious regarding how it might help my anxiety.

Does your town's hospital have a good reputation? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, holy shit are there stories.

Have you ever read a Bible verse and thought, "this isn't true"? If so, what do you do when that happens? lmfao you mean since I was a child forced into attending Sunday school???????

What is your favorite shade of brown? Like a creamy coffee brown.

Do you prefer kale, lettuce, or spinach? Lettuce. I'm not sure if I've had kale, though.

Can you usually tell when someone has feelings for you? I feel like I can. Usually.

Do you know what things your pet(s) prefers to eat? I know Roman prefers wet food over dry; he mostly eats dry because boy those wet food poops are just lovely, but he definitely gets excited when we mix it up. I can tell you with absolute certainty that Cookie is insanely greedy with human food she's not supposed to have, and I really wish Mom would stop giving in to her begging.

Would you ever consider visiting Texas? I have zero interest in going there unless either of my two online friends I have and fully trust in Texas invited me to be at like their wedding or something, and even then it would very much depend on how doable travel would be.

Did you ever want a pony for a gift as a kid? Never seriously, no.

Do you know who your mom's favorite singer is? Oh well that's fucking easy, James Hetfield from Metallica. That's been her "celebrity crush" for as long as I can remember, that's her favorite band ever.

Have you ever tried to surf? No, save for like as a kid trying to stand and balance on pool accessories.

Do you want to learn? I'm not particularly interested.

Honestly, have you ever mooned anybody? No.

Which one of your family members do you wish you could see more often? Specifically, the immediate family of my mom's sane brother. He, his wife, and their kids. Like most of my maternal family though, they're in New York.

What room in your house is the messiest? Well, it's not necessarily messy, but it is very disorderly: the spare bedroom where I use my laptop. There's not much in here, but what is in here is placed without any visual appeal in mind. I'd really like to do something with it, but I'm not asking my mom to buy furniture and decor for a spare room when I haven't even done MY bedroom makeover...

Are you proud of your parents? Yes. I could go on for hours upon fucking hours about how proud I am of my mother with her fucking unmatched fighter's spirit, and I'm definitely proud of my dad beating long-time alcoholism. I honestly can't applaud him nearly as much as my mom, like honestly my dad is not a top-tier parent in a number of disappointing ways, but he's definitely gotten better with age. He's absolutely a better grampa than he was a dad.

Have you ever used a "puppy face" to get your way? I actually don't even remember doing that as a kid. The only time I'd ever do it would be entirely playfully.

Do you have dimples when you smile? Yes, very clearly on my left cheek. I feel like I had one on the right when I was young, but I don't see or feel it anymore.

Have you ever carved anything into a tree? Not that I recall.

Who will you be with Saturday night? idk, Girt's off so I might see if he wants to go see the Barbie movie, but I might wanna wait a few more days so the theater isn't crammed full.

What woke you up this morning? Nightmares. Twice.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today? No.

When were you the saddest in your life? End of 2015 and all of 2016. No hell a devil could ever design would be worse for me than what that fucking time period was. Every waking moment I wanted to be fucking dead and the only dreams I ever remembered were about my ex and not positive.

Do you ever get groceries delivered to your house? Only if the specific item needed is not available for pick-up in the store. Mom generally orders our groceries online and then we pick them up in the car, but sometimes something very specific has to be ordered not directly from the store location we go to.

What was the last job interview you went to where you didn't get the job? Do you think the interview went well or not? It was Pizza Hut I think, that or Inn, and I'd THOUGHT it went well; the guy who interviewed me even told me he had very high hopes of me getting a yes. Nowadays though I'm immensely grateful I never got the call back; this was in desperate times before my third job where I finally settled I just fucking can't work in customer service. Thinking I could ever be a waitress was absolute insanity, it would have gone horrid.

What's your favorite pasta shape? Probably penne. Or normal spaghetti noodles, I just don't like that they're generally messier to eat.

What's one of the saddest movies you've ever seen? I normally answer this with The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, but just to mix it up a bit, Johnny Got His Gun is also fucking heart-wrenching.

What was the last physical pain you experienced? Menstrual cramps.

Do you know anyone who is terminally ill? Yes, she's way too weak for cancer treatments in her age so we know what's happening.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions #questionnaire

[donnabroadway]

Look at the consequence of my actions

I often read the anonymous threads on Reddit, Lipstick Alley, and Six Brown Chicks and I am more often than not, amazed at the level of delusion because it simply cannot be real. These people are often shocked at natural consequences of their actions and that the people in their lives are not chomping at the bit to defend them and have the nerve to tell them they were in the wrong, so they come to social media with a half truth story and fake accountability and very, rightfully, so get dragged worse online, on several websites by multiple platforms on each site, because people cannot believe that someone would have the audacity to do what they did and somehow believe they have any victimhood in what happened. If you steal from your job, it doesn't matter what's going on in your personal life, a natural consequence is being fired at best, arrested at worse. If you cheat on your wife, abuse drugs, and steal from her with your girlfriend, it's not farfetched to think that maybe she may have you and your girlfriend arrested and divorce you. If you are in someone's face, arguing back and forth, and contact is made, and you get into a tussle, don't be shocked when the court reviews the footage and finds it to be mutual combat and no one is at fault. If your son doesn't pass any classes and never shows up to school, don't be shocked when he fails and because you can no longer bully the school system into passing him, you run to the news to embarrass them and only embarrass yourself when few people seem to see what the school system did wrong, especially when they come through with documentation of your negligence and lack of involvement as a parent. You can't always bully and steamroll your, and your childs way, through life at some point, they'll meet the natural consequences of their actions.

I remember years ago, I got lost going to an internship and I was whining to the WMATA lady and she shushed me and said she didn't care about my story. She helped me but that's life. No one cares about your bad childhood, mental health issues, or any other excuse you may have. Your mother, your grandma, and maybe even a very forgiving partner are the only ones who will put up with you, and once they die, then what?

You bully people into submission and silence and when you can't bully, you manipulate and try to play on people's compassionate nature. And you always don't get a second chance because second chances, more than likely, lead to third and fourth chances and most smart people have learned to see the writing on the wall for what it is and will quickly cut their losses. They have learned to take a hint and pay attention to pink flags instead of letting the red flags fade and the sign wear out from flashing.

When you disrespect your child's teacher or any other authority figure, or adult, in favor of them, you teach your child that rules don't apply to them, to disregard boundaries, and that they can ignore or disrespect authority figures because mom will come save me and a natural consequence of that is you not having a village because no one is trying to fight with you because they told your child to stop jumping off the table and you don't want anyone discipling your child but when your child busts their head, you're on the internet crying about how everyone watched your child fall and they could have died and how family isn't family anymore and that you don't have a village, and now you're the victim and ignorant people are agreeing with you in the comments but you leave out how you didn't want anyone disciplining your child to the point that they're not even allowed to tell your child to stop or be careful like they would any other child but instead to come get you and how a natural consequence of that is people not wanting to be bothered with you and your child. These children fail to successfully launch in life because being taught to disrespect their first authority figures, other than their parents and family, often translates into disrespecting their bosses, other adults, or those in authority over them and therefore they cannot keep jobs, friends, relationships, or their spot in school or programs because no one is putting up with poor behavior from a spoiled adult child and jobs, program managers, heads of departments, and romantic partners and friends don't want to talk to you about your adult child's standing in the program or their job performance and fed up romantic partners don't want to field phone calls from mothers and grandmothers, that they barely tolerate, trying to bully or manipulate them into staying in relationships with manbabies or spoiled, lazy, disrespectful women. I'm not saying to allow your child to be disrespected but they are children and someone telling your child to be careful, to sit down in class, or follow rules shouldn't end with an argument or you cursing out the teacher. I fully believe, due to what is out there on social media and what was said by the mother of the six year old, that he shot his teacher because he felt disrespected when she told him to sit down during class and that boy is going to be a menace and his mother, and father who is seen on a probably now deleted video telling the boy about disrespect, will continue to make excuses all the way up to the courtroom, only he will be of age to have his own consequences. We need natural consequences for the actual, concrete children that are here and are still being raised and not healing for your inner child that hasn't existed in nearly 30 years. Grow up.

[vizthedatum]

I am not my family's savior. I am a person who doesn't need to save nor do I need to be saved.

Note: I wrote this last night (I have since had my interview and made my arrangements) CW: ALL the content warnings and also a self-declaration for my own growth

---

I am so depleted right now.

I have an interview in the morning, and I think afterward, I’m gonna get a hotel or Airbnb or something. I’m coming back to Pittsburgh on Friday and then going to Houston on Wednesday to visit my best friend.

My declarations:

- I’m glad I came to help my mom and speak to her and to be authentic with her. No regrets. I was finally true to her, and we both needed that. Plus I’m glad I could be there to help with medical stuff.

- She can figure stuff out. She can get a medical translator or someone. She can get therapy if she wants. She can respect my boundaries if she wants. If she wants, she can stick to her meds (she has a tendency to stop meds and not adhere). Not my responsibility.

- It is never “abuse” or what it visibly looks like all the time. Abuse isn’t what you see in the media. It’s insidious. It’s a mindfuck (and when I was a child, it was that and rampant physical abuse). It doesn’t matter if you handled it and are fine now. It doesn't matter if this is “Indian culture.” It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe me. It doesn’t matter if my trauma led me here or whatever. I wish it didn’t happen. It did, it messed me up, it fucked up my thought patterns leading me to be raped (or psychologically manipulated) constantly by people I thought I could trust. It led me to toxic relationships in all sectors of my life. It made me think I was a monster and ugly and stupid - and I still do. I can’t stop. Almost every thought is tinged with self-deprecation. No matter how many compliments I get or how much I dress femme/masc/whatever/more whatever… it’s not enough. It is so hard for me. I have to deal with this my whole life. I have to manage my mental/physical health and it’s not just a luxury or anything - I have to prioritize MY HEALTH and MY JOY now. I can’t put it on the back burner anymore.

- My dad can also respect me if he wants or even respect my mom and bro… but he chooses not to.

- My bro (don’t feel bad please) cannot keep using me as his second therapist. If you’re gonna spiral and if we are gonna have the same conversations, then I’m done. If you die, I already gave you my all - I really did. So I’ll mourn you (like I do in my nightmares when you finally kill yourself… nightmares I’ve had since you lit yourself on fire behind your high school… and then the countless attempts after that) if it happens. But it’s not my fault. I am not the cause. I’ll be devastated ofc but it is not my fault.

- Being here is bad for my health. I’m letting my self-respect and standards slide. I’m shutting down. Physically and mentally.

- All three of them are adults. They have resources. They have internet access and phones and some money and etc. I’m not their savior, and I refuse to be anymore. If they die, it’s not my fault. If bad things happen, it’s not my fault. It is not family, if family makes you feel this way.

- I think I’m gonna keep cutting and pruning ALL unhealthy relationships (unhealthy for me, mind you) MORE now.

I want to really live for me and my chosen family. If I’m gonna have a baby/babies, then I want to set a good example.

I am cutting myself off from my family tree and starting a new tree. It is far from selfish. A lack of support combined with so much disrespect has brought me here. I want to truly be healthy and happy. I deserve it.

I’ll say my goodbyes after the interview.

--

Leaving at around 3pm and my brother will help me. My parents will protest, and I will straight up tell them if they don't allow me to leave, then it's imprisonment.

#declaration #declarations #self love #self care #relationships #healing #trauma #love #harm #childhood abuse #domestic violence #maladaptive behaviors #coping mechanisms #breaking the cycle #generational trauma #new tree #new life #new family

[rachaelnpc]

I Want to Get Better

I want to be myself. I have spent so much of my adult life working on my career, helping other people, planning for the future. I need to stop and just be me. I word vomit my trauma at the worst times or what I feel is not an appropriate moment. I also feel like every time is an inappropriate time unless someone asks me about it. It happened, I cannot change it, people can judge me for it. It happened and I learned from it.

I got over them faster than I thought I would. It had been a falling out for the last 3 years starting when COVID hit. I think the hardest is the fact that I am trying my hardest to have that chapter end but there isn't a way to speed up the process unless I agree to give them everything. I cannot do that. The financial burdens right now are weighting heavy on me. I finally cried this month. It has been a while. The realization that goes even deeper than I realized of how little they loved in return. What they are doing is awful. The emotional, mental, physical and financial damage... I didn't know how to play this game. They win - Jackpot. I wasn't even an opponent, I thought we were supposed to be a team.

I wanted hugs and they gave them while stabbing me in the back over and over to just leave. I kept trying to get up, rebuild, fix things only for them to comeback around and stab me again. I would stand up and get caught up in other things but they would still come around to stab me until I finally got up and walked away. I don't think they have even tried to come back since I left. That also hurts a bit. I shouldn't think of their lack of trying to get me back as part of my worth. I should be grateful that I don't have to deal with that. I have to learn to be worth it for myself. Then maybe someone will find me worth it, but if not, I can be happy with just me.

I know I need to let go of all of it. It is hard when I am still having to sign forms, negotiate, send in documents, fees, the dogs. It is stressful. I am haunted by all of the rejection in my life, everyone I had to say goodbye to, how I was treated. I have to let that go and focus on what I need to do in order to move forward. I am really tired, but I need to know I got this even though I have no idea what to do with my life anymore. What is my purpose? To just heal? I feel like I am not doing much of anything but flooding the internet with my thoughts that really don't need to be out there. Taking up space in places that I am not sure if I should. I want to hide away from the world. I don't see where I fit. I feel like an alien. I love myself, staying home is safe, I used to do great things. I was great once. Now I have so much anxiety, doubt and insecurities. I just want to be great again. I want to go through the day without finding it hard to get stuff done, live and go outside. I am doing great, I am doing the best I can and I will find happiness again.

#Spotify