#You want me to PERISH?! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

humanitys-strongest-bamf · 1 year

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writing this because my doctors office made me feel sad

this is purely self-indulgent. sorry if its not what anyone's looking for

shout-out to @chaotic-on-main and @levis-squishy-cheeks for helping me work through this today

pairing: levi x reader

word count: 1.9k

tw: implied suicidal thoughts, descriptions of depressive symptoms

notes: modern!au, soft!levi, depressed!reader, hurt/comfort, idk i needed this dont judge me

You had spent the night crying yourself to sleep again.

Prior to that, you had spent the entire day thinking that your brain was falling apart. Your mood went from 0-100 within the span of a second. There was no pattern. You'd be fine one minute and then swing to the other end of the emotional spectrum the next. It was exhausting.

If it wasn't for Levi and his unwavering support, you wouldn't be sure if you would still be alive. It was hell having to deal with this. If it wasn't for him, you'd be fully convinced that no one wanted you around.

Your eyes slowly peeled open as you stared at the empty ceiling above you. You felt like you were experiencing the world through a muffled filter. You heard and saw everything that was going on around you, but it felt like a lucid dream.

You couldn't move. Even getting your finger to twitch took all your energy.

Your eyes looked to the side and you saw that the sun was shining directly into the upper window.

You had slept in again.

Not only that, you had slept in much past the "normal" wakeup time.

You slowly tilted your head up to look at the clock resting on the edge of your nightstand.

2:00pm.

You had gone to bed the previous night at 7:00pm and then slept up until now. You haven't had a full meal in at least two days. You haven't showered for a week. Guilt tore away at what remaining self-love you had in you. Levi helped keep you together and you absolutely hated that he had to shoulder the burden that was keeping you around.

You turned back over to stare at the ceiling again, counting to yourself as you poured your energy into being able to freely move your fingers and toes. When you were finally able to open and close your fist at ease, you looked back at the clock again.

2:45pm.

You let out a defeated sigh. You weren't going to make it on time at this point. You had an appointment at 3:30pm for a bi-annual checkup for a medical condition that you had recently developed.

However, you figured that as long as you showed up in some capacity, no matter how little, you would count that as a win for the day. You could always just hop back into bed afterwards. All you had to do was make it in and hope the results indicated at least some improvement on your end.

~~~~~

"You need to lose weight. You need to exercise more. You need to get outside."

"Well, my depression makes that really hard so-"

"Losing weight will help with that. It'll help you manage your hormones and stabilize your mood."

You gripped at the blanket in rage, curling up into a ball, hoping that you would just shrink away and disappear. Getting up was a waste of time. The only thing that happened was you going into that shitty doctor's office to get berated and invalidated for an hour. Getting up was a mistake.

After arriving back home, you immediately dropped your stuff to the ground and climbed back into bed without even changing into your home clothes. Everything that had happened today made being awake for another minute seem like a living hell.

~~~~~

He knew something was wrong the minute he stepped through the door.

He had seen that your car had shifted its spot on the driveway, indicating that it had been used.

Levi looked forward into the dark apartment that you two shared, knowing that you were home. While he wouldn't have been too surprised at the fact that the lights were off normally, the fact that your car moved meant that you had gotten out of bed, left the house, and immediately went back in upon arriving home.

That in itself was already better compared to the past few days, but it didn't bring him any ease. Just because you made it out of the house didn't mean that you were doing any better.

Once he stepped inside and flipped on the light switch, he saw that your stuff had been haphazardly thrown on the ground, leading a trail into the bedroom.

He sighed, knowing that this behavior wasn't normal. Something had happened.

Levi peeked into the bedroom, a grim look appearing on his face once he saw you cocooned into the blankets. He slowly walked over and gently sat next to you, leaning down a bit so he could see your face.

"Still low today?" he asked quietly.

He heard you emit a quiet whine as you shuffled, burying yourself further into your fortress.

You hid in the dark safety of your bed for a few minutes before feeling the bed slightly shift and hearing your bedroom door close. You peeked out of the blanket and saw that Levi had left. Upon focusing more, you heard movement in the kitchen.

After about a minute, your neck started complaining from you maintaining your elevated position. Since you lacked the energy to fully readjust, you simply laid back down.

You heard the door open again after a while and you glanced over as you saw Levi bring over a mug of freshly brewed tea and a small bowl of soup.

Levi knew of the fact that you hadn't been eating properly for the past few days. While that thought was slightly distressing, he also knew he couldn't force you to eat—and he didn't want to anyway if it was just going to cause you more distress. Besides, he knew that you wouldn't be able to keep anything solid down in this state, so soup was the next best option.

You quickly buried yourself in the blanket again. Levi having to deal with you just lying around in bed was bad enough, but it broke your heart to think of all the extra effort he had to put in to take care of you. It only reinforced the thoughts in your head that continued to tell you that you were a burden.

You actively cowered as you heard him set the mug and bowl down before sighing.

He didn't sound annoyed, but he definitely sounded exasperated—or maybe exhausted. You couldn't tell.

"I made you tea."

You felt him sit down next to you again as your head poked back out. You slowly sat up, avoiding eye contact out of embarassment. While you wanted to continue hiding, you also knew that sipping on his brews provided you some of that comfort that you desperately needed right now.

You quietly sipped at the tea, while still avoiding eye contact.

"I saw the car moved," he spoke, glancing right at you.

You didn't answer.

You saw him tilt his head out of the corner of your eye as he spoke again.

"I assume you made it in?"

You didn't answer.

"It's okay if you didn't."

You felt your hand slightly shaking as he said that last phrase. He has said it over and over and over again whenever you were in these states.

It's okay.

He never knew if those words truly got through to you, but he went ahead and provided you that consistent reminder that no matter how bad things felt or how "useless" you felt, that you were enough.

You unsteadily placed the mug back onto the nightstand, still looking down.

"I did," you said quietly.

With the state he had found you in, and based off of how you responded just now, he was able to tell that it didn't go well. He didn't know the details as to what happened, but he didn't need to. All that mattered was that it went poorly and that you felt like shit because of it.

You felt him place his hand on your leg, giving it a gentle squeeze as you finally looked towards him.

"Almost everything was wrong," you whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Nearly everything that they could possibly measure was wrong," you spoke, your voice gradually increasing in volume. "Eating's wrong. Exercise is wrong. Even sleeping is wrong—and every time I tried to explain that it's impossible to keep track of all that when even dragging myself out of bed is impossible, they just ignored everything I was saying."

Levi quietly listened as you continued to describe your horrific experience with what was supposed to be a simple, routine check-up.

The past few days had been literal hell for you. It wasn't even that anything particularly bad happened. It was one of your occasional flare-ups that had been especially bad this time around. Your mood had been all over the place, your paranoia about everyone secretly plotting to abandon you had shot through the roof, and your self-hatred multiplied to the point that it was seething out of you.

"It's like the world just continues to tell me I'm defective. My brain's broken, my body's broken. Couldn't finish school. Can't keep a job," you said as you threw your hands in the air, feeling yourself getting heated and activated with every word you were saying.

You paused for a bit, taking deep breaths to try to calm yourself down.

"You're not defective, _____," Levi spoke.

You immediately averted your gaze. You didn't believe that for a single second.

Levi reached over and gently pushed at your shoulder to get your attention.

"Hey, look at me."

You didn't move.

He sighed, scooted forward, and gently grabbed onto your chin so he could turn you to face him. His eyes finally locked onto yours for the first time since he came home. He looked right into your eyes as he spoke.

"You are not defective. You are not broken."

You felt yourself wanting to shrink and hide again as he said those words. Although those words brought you comfort, they also stung, because they addressed your deeply rooted fears. You shook your head as you desperately tried to look back down and squirm out of his grasp, feeling tears building up in your eyes.

"A lot has happened in your life and that's okay."

He never took his eyes off you as he gently placed his other hand on the side of your face as a gesture of comfort.

"I love you for who you are and anyone else who questions you is a fucking idiot."

Upon feeling his touch and hearing those words, you placed one of your hands on his, using his presence to ground yourself.

You shakily nodded at him, the tears finally falling out of your eyes as you saw his gaze soften.

Upon seeing your tears, he pulled you into a tight hug, giving you a gentle squeeze as you silently cried against him.

You were so, so, grateful that he was there. At this point, he was probably the only person in the world that didn't make you feel like a complete and utter disaster. You buried your face into him, silently wishing that you could stay here forever and forget all of the other things in your life that continuously kicked you back down.

Levi placed a gentle kiss on the top of your head.

"Eat that soup before it gets cold," he said, slightly pulling away before pulling you in to a gentle kiss, wiping the stray tears off your face. "Depending on how you feel I'll take you on a drive afterwards. It'll at least help you get some air."

You gave him a small smile and nodded at him, slightly reaching out as he stood back up and grabbed your now empty mug to take back into the kitchen. As you watched him walk down the hallway, you felt that the heaviness in your heart had lifted ever so slightly.

You felt like shit. There was no doubting that—but the fact that Levi stuck with you despite all of your struggles, the fact that he has fully accepted you and loved you for who you were, and the fact that he has pulled through every time you found yourself like this was enough for you to forget your misery at this very moment, and simply allow yourself to be bathed in his comforting presence.

A/N: i'm leaving the condition vague so people can maybe relate to it better idk. sorry if this sucks, as i said its purely self-indulgent because levi fluff helps make me feel less bad

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