#about what the deal is we were doing.

[thoughts-and-all-that]

i want to rip out your flesh i want to tear off your skin i want to grind your teeth to dust and turn them into diamonds that i shove up your nostrils directly into your brain i want to tear your toenails off in the way that they pull your skin all the way up to your eyeballs i want to slice open your eyeballs and let maggots grow inside of them i want to put you in the middle of water turning lava into obsidian so you get trapped inside the obsidian and it slices you into confetti i want to flatten you under a house and let your oozing blood stain the wooden planks red i want you to feel every inch and second of my pain ive felt my entire life all at once so youre in agony for the rest of your life cause your life will end the instant after as the overwhelming sensation of actual suffering compared to your sheltered shitty little life bursts through your veins and skin

i want you to experience every millions, billions of lifetimes of everyone you wish harm upon in the way you wish harm upon them in slow, agonizing detail. i want you to feel their lives. i want you to know what its like to be someone other than your useless self and then have that life ripped away in the most painful, horrible, leaat deserving way possible. you wont even remember you were someone else beforehand till it was too late and you were forced to confront everything you are in a way that cant be taken back even when the universe implodes on itself.

i want you to suffer. i suffer. i suffer no matter what i do to stop suffering. but you. i want you to suffer. i try not to be that kind of person cause i at least pretend im partially a good person somewhere somehow but you dont even try to pretend to be good, and people like you shouldnt be allowed to exist.

you said something to me that i hope leaves you rotting soon, soon, and it made me feel a pain that is indescribable and something you will never feel, but in a hilarious way, it makes me feel better about myself, opposite your intentions.

there are many ways im not a good person. there are many things ive done that make my brain feel its being eaten apart by termites to think about, but at least i try to be good. i try to be better. i care about people despite people barely caring about me. i try and i try and i try.

youve never been anything more than a piece of fleas shit. nothing to try to be better because you were created unable, it seems like.

it was funny poking at you like you were a worm, which you are, until you tried to bite.

poor thing bit, but blood reveals more than itself i guess.

this is incomprehensible as most things i say are. im tired. im upset. ive had a bad day of people being fucking pricks and more. ive done nothing to these people to deserve this torture, i didnt even know them before they tortured me.

im so sick of the life i live. i cant wait for it to change.

#if i call this creative writing is it less awful or suspicious #the context is a nazi harassed me. directly. and yes a literal nazi. said the type of shit they say. #not to mention some people earlier were being fucking assholes for no reason as well. they still havent replied back to me either #about what the deal is we were doing. #this feels better though. saying all this. im glad i have this basically invisible blog. #somewhere to say what i can never say elsewhere. #...if a sideblog gets deactivated it wont affect the main blog. will it?

[statementlou]

hello :) could you maybe explain a little bit how dan wootton blackmailed louis?

ugh sorry for taking a while to get to this. The problem is I feel like the only two ways to answer this are by spending a week and a half of full time labor sifting through old posts and evidence to get every detail right and lay out an airtight case, or to halfass something very serious, and so I felt a little stuck. So since I can't seem to find a good halfway point, apologies but here is the half assed version, if you want to get into it more I invite you to do your own deep dive or talk to other people, but here's how I remember things. Louis has almost never on video explicitly said things about Larry not being real and/or anything negative about fans and their theories (mostly the opposite), up until the last couple years when he obviously decided to make a major change he didn't talk about Freddie much at all let alone saying he was his kid, honestly not that much about Eleanor even; except for in two major interviews with Dan Wootton, each of which lined up with a serious traumatic Tomlinson family event that they managed to keep out of the tabloids until the very end (Jay's illness and Fizzy's struggles with substance abuse). After the fact of those events a lot of small things that didn't make sense at the time came together to look very much like Louis traded those interviews (and those answers) for having his family's private matters kept private. Story trading of this kind is a publicly known real thing that happens, and there were various clues that suggested he was being leaned on about those stories to lend legitimacy to the idea that it was something that happened in these cases. Given what we know about Dan Wootton and how he operates even before the recent flood of information and even more now, I think it's more than likely that he has been holding the threat of outing Louis (as he has done to many other public figures) over his head for over a decade, and has used his family's tragic struggles to get Louis to dance like a fucking puppet for him and I will REJOICE at his downfall when it comes whether it is now or 20 years from now... because someday it will, he has made too many enemies to stay above it forever

#I did start to try to deep dive before I realized it was too much #but I was reminded that when Louis was doing txf as a judge while fizzy was struggling #many people thought he had been pressured somehow into it; later when we knew what had been going on people were like #oh maybe he just wanted to be close to home to deal with fizzy stuff or somethng #but also: keeping fizzy stuff quiet would potentially be the info we didn't have at that time that could answer that q too of what they use #given the DW🤝simon jones🤝simon cowell cursed connections #(for the newbies: simon jones aka DWs bestie is Louis' publicist for no apparent reason even now long after he has gotten free of the rest #of the modest/syco/simon cowell shitshow) #anyway another example of story trading in our fandom is zayn's baby sister's teen pregnancy #which was known to the fandom early on but kept super quiet by respectful fans- during this time Z did some unprecedented actual interviews #for no obvious reason #and then iirc pretty much the day she turned 17 a very lowkey article reported on her marrying her bf and mentioning a pregnancy #but as if it was recent not like 7 months along #and even when she gave birth soon after it was all kind of... glossed over and around and not reported until a little later #blah blah blah #I felt like it was weird to talk about this for some reason but when I thought about it #I don't know if it matters. Like maybe talking about him not being a dad and being gay or whatever at all is bad #but assuming we're doing that anyway. why not talk about the struggles around that #and the creeps holding it over his head #dan wootton

[goemon-fan]

This was easily one of the best Lupin episodes

#there will be a rant in the tags that you can ignore #but it is so upsetting how modern/current lupin took away the depths of these characters and flimsily tries to restore their earlier depth #i'm one of those people who craves depth in what i watch and it's so difficult to like this franchise because it will be so close to doing #something interesting only to abandon it #this episode and part one as a whole was peak lupin in my opinion with each character having emotional depth yet flaws to overcome #yet modern lupin would have you believe that these characters don't desire to improve in any capacity #if we were to just focus on Goemon for example right here he shows depth with revealing hidden emotional maturity and empathy for Lupin by #comforting him and admitting he himself is afraid (which is a big deal for a character like him who is supposed to be unflinching) #but in modern lupin goemon will literally say that he's not afraid of anything and this is written without any hint of irony or depth #i'm okay with mindless entertainment and i understand that this is a series simply about stealing but the character assassination is so #disappointing #and when this series does try to be “deep” they pick the most triggering subject matter possible to depict to the point where it's #practically unwatchable (this is in reference to Part 4 and its constant SA plots as well as the rampant gratuitous child abuse plots #throughout the entire series) #i want so badly to love lupin the 3rd but it's a huge problem when fanfiction understands the characters better than the source material #lupin iii #lupin the third #lupin the 3rd #goemon ishikawa xiii #goemon #arsene lupin iii #jigen daisuke #daisuke jigen #fujiko mine #part 1

[captainhunnicutt]

#i want to talk about how bj “can't say it” hunnicutt is the one to prolong the inevitable goodbye and hawkeye gives in to his fear/hatred #whichever one you believe it is about motorcycles to allow bj that small gift of not having to say it a little while longer #until the very end they were trying to allow the other to deal with everything with grace and in their own way and both refusing to be #selfish about it. hawkeye giving in at the last minute and conceding that maybe they would see one another again #because he knew that's what bj needed to hear. bj saying goodbye in a way that only bj could do because he knew hawkeye deserved to have #closure in the way he wanted and needed it since countless others hadn't granted him a goodbye in the way he felt he needed #even if you don't subscribe to the idea of beejhawk - we all deserve someone in our corner like these two were for each other

[aerithisms]

rotating the pub scene from 73 yards in my mind i think there is so much being said there about wales and welsh/english tension that is so interesting and is going so under discussed

#blahs #dw #dw spoilers #the whole thing about castles in wales being english torture centres. much to unpack #i think it's easy for most viewers to watch it and see that the characters are taking the piss and write it off #but what's interesting about it is i think rtd is basing that on real exaggerations of oppression by welsh people #most castles in wales WERE built by the english and they WERE designed to oppress the welsh. except that was like 800 years ago #and some people use this as an example of welsh oppression /now/ when it's like. not relevant to modern wales really #and 'torture chambers' is a wild exaggeration that dangerously tries to compare wales to much more recent human rights violations #i think rtd is trying to caution against a romanticised or sensationalised narrative of old wales that certain welsh nationalists have #this is also what he's doing with roger ap gwilliam #i keep seeing people say his character is 'just nukes' and i'm not gonna pretend it's The most complex politics ever #but it's also not just nukes. it's about specific political tensions and attitudes in wales. #rtd's viewpoint reminds me a lot of my dad #my dad's a proud welshman he's a native speaker he grew up in a welsh speaking community #but he doesn't really care about old welsh history about llewelyn ap gruffydd or owain glyndwr or anything like that #he doesn't see it as relevant. to him what's important is modern wales and the tensions of the 20th century #i'd wager rtd probably feels the same #and what with doctor who being produced in wales being rtd's doing i think he's enthusiastic about collaborating with england #rather than being like. isolationist about it. (that's the wrong word but i can't think of a better one) #WHICH INCIDENTALLY ties the political strand of the episode with the personal strand about ruby #who is also dealing with a self-fulfilling sense of isolation #anyway i think this episode is about wales in a very significant way. we need more welsh people writing think pieces about it #honest to god i don't think any analysis of it that doesn't talk about its welshness is quite Getting It

[smolstarthief]

Hmm... I kinda want to mention/discuss how Husk and Alastor have more in common than the fandom thinks and can even be interesting foils to each other but idk if you all ready for that tea yet... 👀

#starchild rambles #ramblings #husk hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel husk #hazbin #hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #alastor hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel alastor #alastor hazbin #alastor the radio demon #Especially considering all some of you do is argue about that ONE SCENE from Ep 5 #occasionally with little nuance. #Neither were any better really and I love both of these fucked up old men/sinners. #And oh yeah #we all also don't even KNOW jack about what Husk was even like as an Overlord #other than a couple mentions that he actually liked the power he had while it lasted. #That and part of the reason he made that desperate deal was to save said power. #idk I guess I'm growing exhausted with this discourse over that bit and the amount woobifying towards Husk #it started out with interesting points but then it got repetitive #they're dynamic can actually super fascinating if looked more closely

[uncanny-tranny]

In discussions about mental health, I am so tired of the only voices mattering being other people or other people who do not deal with a condition/disorder or a specific situation.

"Here's how I deal with loved ones with [x] condition!"

"If you do [y] because of [x mental health reason], you're selfish and everybody who loves you is having their lives made harder by you!"

"If your symptoms are [z], you're gross, and you deserve no sympathy for struggling"

I understand to an extent why people do this, but holy hell, as somebody who struggles and struggles often, the last thing any of us need to be told is that we're a burden that others have to carry. And it's terrible how everybody else's feelings but ours matter - even if we are the ones most affected by our condition or situation.

If you are dealing with issues surrounding your mental health and well-being, know that everything above isn't true; you are worthy of patience, understanding, kindness, and love. You are worthy of being listened to without judgment. You don't have to apologize or "make up" for who you are or what you struggle with.

#mental health #mental health advocacy #sanism #sanism tw #ableism #ableism tw #since when do we just go 'you're sick? well I'M more affected by YOUR illness than YOU are so my voice matters MORE' #i'm actually genuinely angry that people think saying stuff like that is appropriate #and when i say 'deal with' i mean when people treat those they say they love like a burden #simultaneously discussions about mental health have gotten better and have stay horrific and lack compassion or nuance #like people have more words to describe mental health but they cling to their disgust for us ~insanes~ like it's a lifeline #TW FOR MENTIONS OF SUIDIDE AFTER THIS TAG #when i actively wanted to take my life being told that i was selfish did NOT help. it made the desires STRONGER #because i had something ELSE to use to justify why my death was imperative. if i was selfish then why do i deserve others? #do you see why these discussions are harmful at *best* and can be the final factor in a decision like that? #sure. maybe those discussions alone won't be what pushes somebody to pass like that. #but it will have contributed to the demonization of mentally ill people #those discussions aren't going to save us from suicidality or something equally seen as drastic #videos like abigail thorn's cosmonaut video were actually way *more* helpful because she was compassionate #she provided compassion and empathy and was vulnerable enough to share her *own* experiences #i think i'm going to re-watch it for the....... 500th time #i'm so glad she kept her old videos up. this one is one of my favourites #heavy watch but i forever will be grateful to her and the others who helped me out of that pit

[carlyraejepsans]

I’ve started watching Utena because of you. What. Is going on

HI. WELCOME TO THE CLUB, watch the trigger warnings. but yeah, revolutionary girl utena veers more and more towards surrealism the further you get into the series. it often and voluntarily forfeits narrative/logical consistency in favor of visual storytelling, metaphors and symbolism. i was just talking about it with nic the other day, and if the story weren't so harrowing, i would recommend it to everyone who wants to get into literary analysis, because it is SO packed with symbolism EVERYWHERE that it actually encourages you to try to decode it.

whatever you think utena is about, it is NOT. you can't go in and treat it like your 49293th classical shoujo. utena is a firework show of visual symbolism and it very rarely, if ever, explains itself to the viewer. it refuses to handhold you, but it never berates you for trying and getting it wrong either. there is SO much handholding in modern day media, but utena trusts its viewer to take away something meaningful from itself and to piece its message together on their own. it's one of my favourite pieces of media of all time just for that

#it's almost closer to a poem and to poetry than to a story in the sense that we think think about today #you see why ye standard transformative fandom was never able to take hold with utena? #my suggestion is try to actively analyze what's going on and the symbols presented to you as you go along #find recurring motifs. utena deals a LOT with cycles and repetition (they were playing into their budget limitations and did it brilliantly #what objects keep returning. what characters are they associated with. how do they relate to the irl systems of power the story criticizes #what does the white rose mean #^ had a lot of fun trying to figure that one out. i landed on something other people in the fandom also got but then nic told me his take #and yeah they basically pried my third eye open with a crowbar. #this anime made me want to try out symbolism and allegories in my own works #it's so fucking good #but hey if you finish it and still feel like you didn't get 90% of that you can go to nic metanarrates' blog and check out his rgu tag #basically 50% of the fandom posts are visual and narrative analysis. the other 10% is breathtaking art. the remaining 40% is memes #BUT! wait until you're finished..watch for spoilers #rgu #answered asks

[reliquiaen]

Okay, a few years back I made this graphic to explain the Great Cycle. Now that I've mulled over DD2 for a few days, I'm updating it. Some of the same assumptions as before remain: The Dragonforged fought the dragon, his weapon broke, he tried punching it (lmao), but he did survive without killing the dragon, possibly there was a second Bargain offered in the face of his determination. So you don't have to kill your dragon to survive it. Also still assuming that different classes become different types of drakes because I just like that detail, even though we see nothing to confirm it in DD2 (except maybe for the wyrms in the post-game, I hope that's what those are, just a bit redesigned).

But this time, I'm making some NEW assumptions: A Great Dragon can be manifested directly by the Seneschal's will (I'm guessing this is why our DD2 dragon doesn't have a name, I suspect this dragon was created after Rothais defeated his - he didn't become a dragon OR Seneschal so it had to come from somewhere). The challenge a Seneschal poses to the Arisen can be anything; Savan gave us the opening of the Everfall and unleashed a ton of powerful monsters upon the world; but Pathfinder gave us what the world would look like without a Seneschal to oversee things. My assumption is that the Colossal Dragon that appears out of that final red pillar of light IS the Pathfinder (possibly using his will to force order back upon the world) and when we kill it, our Arisen becomes Seneschal (because Pathfinder says he won't be there to see the new world that's forming). So the challenge can be anything, not just the Everfall. I'm curious what happens to our pawn after that fight, though. And it's a much better Seneschal fight than the one against Savan, sorry Savan.

I'm also assuming that (given we see the Pathfinder rewind time and rewrite the world) the Seneschal can simply will the world into a state of being that suits them. This includes wiping memories of events. Though I like to imagine that our Arisen-turned-Seneschal didn't wipe memories of themselves or of the apocalypse-world. There was an entire plotline going through this game with Rothais and Phaesus where mortals are trying to get rid of the Seneschal and so it makes sense that they need to remember what would happen without the Seneschal's presence.

Anyway, thanks. I'll probably have more thoughts later, but this is the part that gets me most. I like to know how things work so I wanted to sort the Cycle out.

#dragon's dogma #dragon's dogma 2 #dragons dogma #reliviews #the great cycle #personal #i wonder where a ng+ will put me #i really am excited to play ng+ #but i need a break to rotisserie chicken what i've got so far #i'll come back to it with a fresh pov after a few weeks i think #there are of course still things i wanna know #what's the deal with the dragonsplague #it's not just a mechanic they added to troll us #but what is its significance #what happens to our pawn after we defeat the colossal dragon #they flat out state we infused them with will of their own #so do they become human after that #or does the plague kill them #and there are always timeline questions #what happens to lamond and this new dragonforged #how long ago were they arisen #what about rothais #he's not even really alive anymore but does he finally get to die #is the brinepocalypse something that HAS to happen periodically #to like clean slate the world #to remind people of the importance of the seneschal and maintain peace for a time afterwards #what happened to religion #there was a maker and faith-church in the first game #where's that now have people just forgotten to worship the seneschal #anyway

[leotanaka]

jughead almost immediately removing himself from the musical aka the narrative the moment that someone else (kevin & clay) starts writing their own version of it and in turn, his removal from controlling the narrative ends up allowing the characters to take back control of their own narrative because when jughead writes and rewrites the story, it ends up trapping the characters deeper inside the narrative and the cycles they are desperate to escape until they are repeating the same behaviours over and over again but when kevin & clay write and rewrite the story, it ends up giving the characters back their agency because they're trying to help them which then allows them to break free from the narrative and walk away.

#riverdale #riverdale spoilers #rvd text #rvd meta #rvd narrative #jughead jones #kevin keller #clay walker #like i love jughead this isn't anti-jug or anything just to be clear but the show has imo perfectly established how traumatised jughead #really is and that he never actually deals with any of it and then this season you go from his comic episode whereby it demonstrates so #clearly that despite good intentions his anger heavily influences his writing and storytelling and then the next episode he acknowledges #that his father abandoned him and writes about it. we don't know what he wrote exactly but he wrote something and it slowly starts to #change him for the better #and the story really does start to slowly change from that point too #and even clothing wise. someone pointed out that jughead's clothes (pjs especially) drastically changed the moment he wrote about fp #what that means i have no idea but you can't not notice it #and when you look at the musical episode especially kevin and clay had an idea in mind for it - a narrative they were trying to push #but then saw what it was doing to the characters and were prepared to take a step back and listen to them and what they want #and change the story accordingly and while it ended with the majority of them leaving the musical #they left because they were given the freedom and choice to do it because they weren't being forced into a role someone else assigned them #like that's the point: THEY COULD LEAVE! #THEY MADE THEIR OWN CHOICES! #THIS IS STORYTELLING!!! #and i won't hear anything bad against it

[menlove]

saw this post on my dash (the person who put it there reblogged a version dunking on op for being a t//erf don't worry) and I was gonna say all this in the tags but it got long so I'm gonna say it here

the thing that drives me insane about this argument is that even if it were true.... so what? like the main impact of top surgery & hysterectomies are going to be hormonal imbalances which can be dealt with by that person and their doctor, but even IF it had some dastardly evil harmful horrible awful impact on that person's health... that is just. being an adult human being. hell, just being a human in general bc kids and teenagers also make choices that physically or mentally harm them all the time and that's just part of life and growing up

but like. part of being a person with autonomy is being ALLOWED to do things that might negatively impact your health or life. even if getting top surgery was a one way ticket to excruciating horrible pain (it's not) that would still be someone's personal decision to make

you can easily see this all the time in other decisions people make. people decide to drink themselves sick every day and it's not illegal. people decide to smoke multiple packs of cigarettes every day and it's not illegal. people decide to go out in the sun without sunscreen every day and it's not illegal. and of course a million other decisions that lead to physical or mental harm, but I'm focusing on physical health here bc that's the context.

but if you think that "women" are allowed to make any decision in the world with their health and bodies even if it's negative (drinking, smoking, drugs, lack of sunscreen, abortions (although this is not negative it has to do w health), eating "poorly" or rarely eating or dieting, hell even staying up all night or forgetting to take their meds or letting their chronic illnesses go untreated or literally a million little health decisions we all make every day).... and yet you draw the line at us deciding to get rid of our breasts or uteruses? I don't think you really care all that much about "women's" health and autonomy in any way that's productive.

like idk yall claim to see "women" as full people but god for fucking bid the vagina havers make their own decisions about our own bodies. we are full people too allowed to make whatever the hell decisions we want even if it's not a ticket to 100% health. who gives a shit.

#like can we talk about the influences of these things and if doctors are practicing informed consent? sure #but what we aren't going to do is pretend that dealing w hormonal imbalances is the worst possible thing ever #and that even if it were it should barr someone from making that decision #like babe I promise the daily diet coke I consume is worse for my body than top surgery was

[keepthetension]

getting caught up with playboyy and

LMAO the number of times i said shit like this back before i realized i was asexual

#playboyy the series #no idea what this character's deal is and i don't think asexuality is what's going on right here anyway #but omfg this was just the realest fucking thing for me #people would say they needed to get laid (or tell me *i* needed to get laid) #and i was always just like ?????? #?? do they not know about jacking off? #it's easier? and better????? #poor things why don't they know :( #never realized we were having entirely different conversations lol #anyway if i'd thought playboyy was going to put me in my ace feelings i figured it'd be from looking at the goings on like. well #what's all this then #surprised to find that it's NOT that!

[prettyboyscollection]

(draft from my main, disclaimer for anyone who sees this: this blog is primarily a porn blog and stupid debating will be ignored or laughed at, you can try it but i dont care)

reading stuff about trans rights (especially in the south) on places like twitter is SO fucking frustrating because SO many people uncritically say "people never judge trans men for not meeting/meeting male stereotypes!!" "conservatives/republicans/gender criticals/etc don't care about trans men, they only hate trans women!" "no one cares if a trans man wants to play sports with cis men!" "trans men dont have their presentation criticized!" etc because that's not fucking true! its not!

trans men have all of that and more thrown at them, we're the forefront of a lot of anti-trans talking points (IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE: THE TRANSGENDER CRAZE SEDUCING OUR DAUGHTERS. do you remember this? do you realize this is still one of their huge sources?) and our bodies are seen as mutilated and disgusting, often even more than trans women's, because they see us as women, as ruined women, women they dont see as sexually appealing, potential mothers/incubators, and they take it out on us especially violently. i didnt go through DIY conversion therapy from two conservative transphobes (that included straight up illegal shit) in texas/oklahoma to see people online uncritically parroting the idea that trans men/trans masculinity arent just as fucking hated by people like that. fucks sake.

#debated for a while about posting this because its angry and controversial to admit that trans men are in fact affected by transphobia #transphobia // #misogyny // #transandrophobia #conversion therapy // #anti transmasculinity #transmisandry #any more words that we use for this idk #its taken me a long time to admit that what my parents (particularly my mom) were doing to me was in fact conversion therapy #but now that ive accepted it its just made me angrier about people saying that trans men dont experience unique forms of oppression #im sorry but i dont think that people other than trans men have to deal with their mothers talking about how theyll accept being a woman #when they get pregnant and cant escape the constant reminder of their biology #this is inherently a transandrophobic statement and experience #sorry if it breaks your fragile sense of who can be a victim of oppression #z.txt #vent post

[booasaur]

NCIS: Hawai’i - 2x06

#ncishawaiiedit #ncis hawai'i #lucy tara #jesse boone #yasmine al bustami #noah mills #ncis hawai'i spoilers #ncis hawai'i 2x06 #lol idiots #I do love getting them together #also what was that drop about kate being a former lawyer! #we never saw lucy finding out??? #when did she? when they were together or not #this is important information #did lucy call her counselor and tease her while kinda impressed #and did kate act all bashful and like it was no big deal while kinda proud about it #inquiring minds want to know! #poor cabot though #their kid going with law but still deciding to be a cop like her other mom

[the-busy-ghost]

Alright uninformed rant time. It kind of bugs me that, when studying the Middle Ages, specifically in western Europe, it doesn’t seem to be a pre-requisite that you have to take some kind of “Basics of Mediaeval Catholic Doctrine in Everyday Practise” class. 

Obviously you can’t cover everything- we don’t necessarily need to understand the ins and outs of obscure theological arguments (just as your average mediaeval churchgoer probably didn’t need to), or the inner workings of the Great Schism(s), nor how apparently simple theological disputes could be influenced by political and social factors, and of course the Official Line From The Vatican has changed over the centuries (which is why I’ve seen even modern Catholics getting mixed up about something that happened eight centuries ago). And naturally there are going to be misconceptions no matter how much you try to clarify things for people, and regional/class/temporal variations on how people’s actual everyday beliefs were influenced by the church’s rules. 

But it would help if historians studying the Middle Ages, especially western Christendom, were all given a broadly similar training in a) what the official doctrine was at various points on certain important issues and b) how this might translate to what the average layman believed. Because it feels like you’re supposed to pick that up as you go along and even where there are books on the subject they’re not always entirely reliable either (for example, people citing books about how things worked specifically in England to apply to the whole of Europe) and you can’t ask a book a question if you’re confused about any particular point. 

I mean I don’t expect to be spoonfed but somehow I don’t think that I’m supposed to accumulate a half-assed religious education from, say, a 15th century nobleman who was probably more interested in translating chivalric romances and rebelling against the Crown than religion; an angry 16th century Protestant; a 12th century nun from some forgotten valley in the Alps; some footnotes spread out over half a dozen modern political histories of Scotland; and an episode of ‘In Our Time’ from 2009. 

But equally if you’re not a specialist in church history or theology, I’m not sure that it’s necessary to probe the murky depths of every minor theological point ever, and once you’ve started where does it end? 

Anyway this entirely uninformed rant brought to you by my encounter with a sixteenth century bishop who was supposedly writing a completely orthodox book to re-evangelise his flock and tempt them away from Protestantism, but who described the baptismal rite in a way that sounds decidedly sketchy, if not heretical. And rather than being able to engage with the text properly and get what I needed from it, I was instead left sitting there like:

And frankly I didn’t have the time to go down the rabbit hole that would inevitably open up if I tried to find out

#This is a problem which is magnified in Britain I think as we also have to deal with the Hangover from Protestantism #As seen even in some folk who were raised Catholic but still imbibed certain ideas about the Middle Ages from culturally Protestant schools #And it isn't helped when we're hit with all these popular history tv documentaries #If I have to see one more person whose speciality is writing sensational paperbacks about Henry VIII's court #Being asked to explain for the British public What The Pope Thought I shall scream #Which is not even getting into some of England's super special common law get out clauses #Though having recently listened to some stuff in French I'm beginning to think misconceptions are not limited to Great Britain #Anyway I did take some realy interesting classes at uni on things like marriage and religious orders and so on #But it was definitely patchy and I definitely do not have a good handle on how it all basically hung together #As evidenced by the fact that I've probably made a tonne of mistakes in this post #Books aren't entirely helpful though because you can't ask them questions and sometimes the author is just plain wrong #I mean I will take book recommendations but they are not entirely helpful; and we also haven't all read the same stuff #So one person's idea of what the basics of being baptised involved are going to radically differ from another's based on what they read #Which if you are primarily a political historian interested in the Hundred Years' War doesn't seem important eonugh to quibble over #But it would help if everyone was given some kind of similar introductory training and then they could probe further if needed/wanted #So that one historian's elementary mistake about baptism doesn't affect generations of specialists in the Hundred Years' War #Because they have enough basic knowledge to know that they can just discount that tiny irrelevant bit #This is why seminars are important folks you get to ASK QUESTIONS AND FIGURE OUT BITS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND #And as I say there is a bit of a habit in this country of producing books about say religion in mediaeval England #And then you're expected to work out for yourself which bits you can extrapolate and assume were true outwith England #Or France or Scotland or wherever it may be though the English and the French are particularly bad for assuming #that whatever was true for them was obviously true for everyone else so why should they specify that they're only talking about France #Alright rant over #Beginning to come to the conclusion that nobody knows how Christianity works but would like certain historians to stop pretending they do #Edit: I sort of made up the examples of the historical people who gave me my religious education above #But I'm now enamoured with the idea of who actually did give me my weird ideas about mediaeval Catholicism #Who were my historical godparents so to speak #Do I have an idea of mediaeval religion that was jointly shaped by some professor from the 1970s and a 6th century saint? #Does Cardinal Campeggio know he's responsible for some much later human being's catechism? #Fake examples again but I'm going to be thinking about that today

[moregraceful]

someone cold emailed me to ask if i was going to a writer's conference in los angeles and was putting together a panel or caucus for queer poets or if i knew anyone who was...buddy you are severely overestimating how much i network with other poets (i don't) and how often i attend writer's conferences (never) 😭

#''do you know of any other poets going'' no?? bc i hate networking with other poets???? #LIKE ARE THEY LESS ANNOYING THAN WHEN I WAS 23? IDK? MAYBE? #i feel like most things these days are less annoying than when i was 23 #or maybe i'm just better equipped to deal with annoying things than when i was 23 #yesterday i was talking to someone about my ethos wrt a class i ran last fall and he stopped me in the middle and was like #you're amazing. that class was a hot mess and you still had fun and found the good in it #like no i'm not amazing. i'm just in my thirties and it takes a lot more than other people's mental health crises to throw me off my game #he was pretty ticked off in the fall when i told him the like depth of crisis multiple students were in bc he thought i should have told hi #i was like idk it did not occur to me to ask for help. he was like you're doing daily check ins to make sure your students are eating?? #idk!! it didn't bother ME my job was just to make sure they were still alive! i mean my job was actually to teach liberation theology but #like i was not good at that. but i DO know how to be annoying until people feel less like killing themselves and more like killing me #anyway all that to say i can't wait to see how much less bothered i am in my 40s #i hope i have reached such a state of zen by age 50 that my spirit is unruffled by anything and anyone #i hope i float through life in a fine mist of okayness #someone says ''oh my god kasper my life is falling to pieces'' and i say ok 👍 we can get through this together👍 #what was this post about??? oh right networking #good networking: librarians bc you just go ''is your manager batshit insane'' and they go THIS PLACE MAKES ME SUICIDAL #and then you're friends for life #bad networking: poets (when i was 23) because all they do is name drop (when i was 23) and expect you to have opinions (i don't) #this post is wildly overconfident in my zen considering i'm so bored of being unemployed that i keep looking at teamworkonline #bhawks are hiring for a social media manager btw. imagine having that kind of access to mr 🥺. i'd literally only do paid advertising #to gay men #i'm not applying bc social media management would actually break my sobriety i am pretty sure #but imagine having connor bedard at your disposal and being like ok kid. we r gonna catfish some gays into caring about the bhawks #basically what i do with the cuda blog lol #ok ok ok i'm done. posting. goodbye. livejournal mode de-activate #fresno oilers.txt