#and i'm terrified she doesn't want to date me anymore because my reaction to being diagnosed with one more thing is so fucking pathetic

[advisorsage]

I think I've fucked up

#i ranted to my girlfriend and i know she probably is just busy but my brain is screaming that i made her upset even though.. #my rant was about my own situation and how i feel about it and then i apologized for complaining at her and said that i wasn't supposed to #and I'm worried she thinks she's not supposed to complain to me when i just meant that i don't like telling people about my shit #and i know she said i could tell her and that she wants to support me but she and my boyfriend are my first relationships #and i don't want to fuck up and i think i have and i haven't told my boyfriend about my diagnosis yet #and I'm scared I'll complain at him too when i tell him and i don't care that he's told me i can and should complain to him #i don't want to saddle them with my complaints #and i called out of work because of how I'm feeling from my diagnosis and that's what i ranted to my girlfriend about #and i'm terrified she doesn't want to date me anymore because my reaction to being diagnosed with one more thing is so fucking pathetic #and i just need to cry and scream and throw up and i can't do any of those things and i feel like everyone except her is telling me #it's no big deal when it is a big deal and i don't think i got it through to my therapist and I'm just freaked out and i don't want to cling #and and and I'm just. i hate existing right now #i feel like i shouldn't do what i want to at home because i called out from work and i know that's stupid but i don't feel like i deserve #nice things right now despite needing them and I'm just so tired but not sleepy and i feel like I'm going to have a panic attack and #i can't even do anything about it! #fuck #i fucked myself over basically #anyway #drink water you heathens

[invisibleraven]

from the best friends to lovers prompts: "you're upset and disappear for a couple hours, and i'm the only one who knows where to find you (which is at the location we always hung out at as children)" for peterpatter please? ☺️

Warnings for implied/referenced homophobia

After years of friendship with Luke, Reggie is used to getting phone calls from him at all hours of the day. So he doesn't think much of it when his phone goes off almost on the wrong side of midnight one evening.

"Yo man, what's up?"

"Reginald, this Emily Patterson, is Luke with you?"

Reggie flushed and let out a little cough. "Oh, no. sorry Mrs. P, I haven't seen Luke all day."

Emily sighed. "Yes, neither have I. If he ends up with you, can you please let him know I'm worried? I just want to talk to him, make sure he's okay." Then she whispered, almost like it wasn't for Reggie's ears, "I just want to say sorry."

"I'll let him know ma'am." With that the call ended, and Reggie knew that he had to go find Luke. After fighting with his mom, he always got stubborn and his away, sneaking in and out for a few days until the argument was forgotten.

The problem was where to find Luke.

The studio was being fumigated, so that was out. Bobby was on a vacation with his lola, and none of them tried Alex's house anymore, not after how badly his coming out went.

Luke wasn't a fan of breaking and entering, so usual places like the arcade or the mall were no goes. Finally Reggie pulled on his leather jacket and looked out his window, pondering when he saw the light from the ancient treehouse in his backyard.

He and the guys had built the treehouse when he first moved to LA, and spent many a boisterous afternoon there until they discovered music and moved their hang outs to the garage. Alex had been relieved, not really trusting the carpentry skills of four ten year olds, always terrified the floor would collapse from under them. But here they were, almost eight years later, and the rickety thing was still standing.

Reggie shimmied out his window, thankful his parents were either asleep or too drunk to notice him slipping out in the middle of the night. The ladder to the treehouse gave an ominous creak as he started to scale it, but with a gulp, Reggie kept climbing.

"Was wondering how long it would take someone to find me," Luke commented when Reggie's head popped up through the hole. "Let me guess, my mom called and I'm in big trouble?"

Reggie pulled himself up into the small space, wondering if it always felt so cramped up here, if it had always groaned when his weight shifted, and if the light from Luke's little lantern made the ambience more spooky or intimate.

"She's worried man. Said something about being sorry?" Reggie offered.

"Huh," Luke said, after a moment. "Will wonders never cease? Didn't think she was capable of feeling that particular emotion."

"What was the fight about this time?"

"What is it ever about dude? Music, it always comes back to music. My grades are low because I'm too focused on playing. Chores aren't done, or they aren't good enough because I lost track of time writing. I come out, and it's rock and roll's corrupting influence," Luke ranted.

"You came out to your parents before telling any of us?" Reggie asked, mildly hurt. They told each other everything, first and foremost. Alex had a near panic attack telling them he was gay, but their reaction had bolstered him to tell his parents, despite their less than stellar reaction. Bobby had let them know he wasn't interested in anyone, and didn't think he ever would be, and they found a way to tell Celia together.

"It wasn't exactly planned," Luke grumbled. " They got on my case about taking some nice girl from church to some stupid social function, and I told them I was much more interested in dating... well not her. I told them I like everyone, regardless of gender, but right now my heart belonged to someone specific, and that someone was a guy. My mom didn't react well. So I ran."

Reggie blew out a breath, and opened his arms to Luke, who rushed into them, the two of them holding each other tight, and stilling when the treehouse groaned and creaked once more. "Shit, that sucks dude. I always thought your parents would be cool about it."

Luke sniffled at that. "So did I. Maybe if I had done it another way... now it's forever tainted. I dunno."

They sat there in silence for a moment, and Reggie smirked as Luke looked up at him. "So... who's the lucky guy? Is it Alex? Oooh, no, it's Sven from the Satellite isn't it? Or maybe that cute drummer from that band we opened for last month.... Lyle? Kyle? Whatever. Or maybe the silver fox who owned that club we tried to get coerced into playing for what amounted to our souls?"

Luke laughed at that, but sobered quickly, his gaze serious as he looked at Reggie. "No, none of them."

"Then who?"

Luke cocked his head to the side, "Reg... don't you know it's you?"

"Me?" Reggie squeaked. "B-but... you've never said anything!"

Luke shrugged at that. "I'm saying now. I like you Reggie. I want to be with you. Go on dates, kiss you goodnight, be the most epic duet together."

Reggie slumped his head into his hands at that. "Only you would confess to liking someone with a music analogy."

"So..." Luke trailed off, biting his lip and clenching his fists.

"Of course I like you too Luke! I've liked you for forever, but I didn't want to mess with the dynamic of the band, so I just shoved it down. I never thought... that you could ever like me back."

At that, Luke threw himself into Reggie's arms, knocking the two of them down into a giggling embrace. The treehouse gave the loudest groan yet, and the two of them shared a concerned look. "Okay, I vote we get out of here before this thing collapses with us inside of it," Reggie proposed. Luke nodded and the two of them scrambled down the ladder.

No sooner were they on the ground and half way back to Reggie's house when the treehouse creaked and with a shuddering BOOM, fell into pieces, littering the yard. Luke and Reggie watched the frame tumble to the ground with sober expressions.

"Well that's the end of an era," Luke commented.

Reggie reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers. "That's okay, we can always build a new one. New era, new treehouse."

"So what now?" Luke asked, swinging their hands between them.

"Well unless that woke up my folks, I say we go inside, and call your mom. And tomorrow, you take me out on our first date," Reggie suggested.

Luke grinned, and leaned in to press a chaste peck to Reggie's cheek, then started pulling him towards Reggie's window. Giddy for what was to come, even with their past in a crumbling mess behind them, Luke had nothing but hope for the future.

#filled prompts #ficlet #ruke #peterpatter #julie and the phantoms

[one-abuse-survivor]

hi! hope you're okay. i was wondering if you have any advice for dealing with being afraid of angry people? i was abused by my older sister throughout my childhood + early teen years. i cut her off a year ago, but bc of her abuse i'm terrified of loud noises, shouting, and anger in general. whenever my parents/people around me are angry, i revert to not talking and being as quiet as possible (like i did when i was being abused). do you have any tips? thank you so much!

Hi, anon! I'm okay, thank you 😊 I'm really glad your sister is no longer in your life, and sorry she put you through this for so long.

When you go through abuse, it’s not unusual for loud noises and anger to become a trigger. The brain has learned to associate those things with unsafety and with a very real threat of abuse, which is why, at the time the abuse was happening, it was a good thing that the survival/PTSD reaction appeared, because going into survival mode was what kept you alive and protected you from harm. I’m sure you know this, but going into survival mode can look many different ways: fight, flight, freeze and fawn reactions are the ones usually talked about. Reverting to not talking and going quiet sounds like going into freeze mode, which happens when the survival/emotional brain decides the best way to keep us safe from harm is to not move, not make a noise, and hope the angry people will forget we’re present. 

The problem is, when you’re not going through abuse anymore, this reaction your brain developed to survive doesn’t just switch off. Our brain keeps following the same patterns, and what was once life-saving during abuse becomes life-destroying in recovery. 

I personally think the best way to learn to manage PTSD and trauma reactions is through therapy, if that’s something you can and want to do. Other than that, the advice I can give you is based on personal experience as a fellow survivor.

That being said, I think the first step to learning how to handle this sort of trauma reaction is to learn to recognise when it’s happening. Even if we rationally know we struggle with trauma reactions, it can be really hard to realise that’s what’s happening when it’s actually happening, because the brain has become an expert at getting caught up in the way it’s reading the situation. That’s why it’s important to train yourself to notice when you’re going quiet, or when you’re experiencing fear (or anxiety, or guilt, or any similar emotion) around an angry person or a loud noise.

Once you notice you’re having an emotional, trauma reaction, it’s important to acknowledge it for what it is. Practise countering your emotions with rational statements, such as:

I’m having a trauma reaction. 

I’m not in danger. I feel in danger because of the situations I’ve been in in the past, but I’m safe now.

I’m here and now, not there and then. (Remind yourself of the date or your age if you want to, or of anything else that has changed since the abuse happened). 

The person who’s shouting or who’s expressing their anger around me won’t hurt me the way my sister did. I know this because they’ve been angry before, and they didn’t hurt me those other times. 

What I just heard was a loud noise. They happen sometimes. It's okay that they scare me, but it doesn't mean I'm going to get hurt. Not anymore.

Emotional thoughts are usually way faster and louder than rational ones inside our minds, so it can be really helpful to not only think these statements to yourself, but to say them out loud or write them down. That way they can’t be overpowered by the emotional ones. 

Additionally, if the person who’s shouting or angry is someone you trust and who knows what you went through as a kid, it can also help to not keep quiet about the trauma reaction you’re having. It doesn’t have to be this big, scary, unspeakable thing if you don't want it to. It can be something to be open and honest about. You’re allowed to ask for help if you need it. This can look like asking the other person for a time-out: you can say something along the lines of “hey, I don’t mind listening to you express your anger, but I need some reassurance that I’m safe, because my trauma is acting up”. If you can’t talk in those moments, you can still come up with a sign (written, gestural...) to let the other person know you’re having a trauma reaction. Even sending them a text or writing down what you wanna say in a phone note and showing them it can work. Then, the other person can reassure you they're not about to hurt you, and you can communicate about how they can express themselves without scaring you. As an example of how that might work, you could both try to have them vent while holding your hand.

Another important step to take is to learn to treat yourself with compassion when you notice you're freezing. It’s easy to judge ourselves for our trauma reactions, but more often than not, this will result in us spiralling further and feeling worse, and that’s the opposite of what we want. So when you do notice you’re freezing, remind yourself it’s not your fault this is happening and it’s okay to be this scared and quiet. It’s not something to be ashamed of or freaked out about; it’s your body trying its hardest to keep you safe, and it needs you to teach it that this is no longer the way to be safe. Treat yourself like you would a scared kid who still doesn't know how to manage that fear: with reassurance, with gentle words, and with patience. 

But beyond the mental and verbal strategies (noticing, rationalising, verbalising, being compassionate), there are also physical tools you can use to coax your body out of survival mode. Here are some that might help:

Diaphragm breathing: it’s important to know how to do it right, but, in a nutshell, it’s breathing with your belly instead of your chest, slowly and deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth. This is like a reset button for the body’s nervous system, but it takes a while to get it right, so you need to practise often for it to be helpful. 

Grounding techniques: there are many techniques, and they may involve any or all five senses. You can focus on all the [colour] things you can notice around you. You can name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell and one you can taste. You can press your feet against the floor rhythmically, first your toes, then your heels, noticing how it feels under your feet. You can stand up and push a wall with all your strength as if to make the room you’re in bigger. Some people hold ice, taste lemon/sour candy/spicy food, smell something strong, or do anything else that will bring the body a (harmless) shocking enough sensation to pull them away from their thoughts. Personally, the techniques that help me the most are touch-related, which is why stim toys really help.

Muscle relaxation: if you notice yourself going tense, try noticing which parts of your body are in tension and relaxing one set of muscles with each breath out.

These techniques can make your emotions ebb enough not to be overwhelming. If that happens, it’s important not to push the emotions away or try to suppress them. It’s okay to sit with them and acknowledge them, observe them with curiosity and acceptance. It’s hard to find, but there is a middle ground between letting an emotion dominate you and pushing it away, and it's to regard your emotions with non-judgemental acknowledgement. If you do this, you can notice how they can come and go without saying anything about you, or without you having to do anything about them. At the same time, once the emotion stops being overwhelming, you may find it easier to move and talk and to feel back in the moment again. 

I hope some of this helps! Please remember it's okay if my advice isn't what's best for you.

Sending a virtual hug ❤️

#abusive sister anon #ask #Abuse #Abuse tw #Abusive sister #Ptsd #Ptsd tw #Trauma tw #trauma recovery #Freeze response #Fight flight freeze and fawn

[angellesword]

YOUR EYES TELL | JJK (13)

Summary: You live in a world where people see in black and white. The solution to finally see the colors? It’s simple. You need to meet your soulmate and look at him in the eyes, but what if the person bound to you is already contented with the monochromatic world? What if…Jeongguk, your soulmate, is already in love with someone else?

Alternatively:

“A future without you is a world without color.”

Genre: soulmate au, e2l, slow burn, angst, fluff, roommate au

Pairing: Artist!Jungkook x Lawyer!Reader

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: discussion of injuries which i know nothing about, effects of drunk driving.

SERIES: CHAPTER 12 | CHAPTER 14

Jeon Jeongguk missed you.

He missed you so much he felt like he was going crazy.

He didn't realize that a big part of you was occupying his whole being to the point that when the two of you separated ways, he felt like everything he had meant nothing if you weren't in his life.

He had been dreaming of buying his own apartment ever since he was young, but now that he finally had a house that he could call his own, Jeongguk came to know that this wasn't what he wanted.

What he desired was not a house—he wanted a home and home was wherever you were.

The walls surrounding him weren't going to protect him. It actually hurt him. The deafening silence kept on bouncing that he felt like he was gonna lose his sense of hearing.

Jeongguk decided he hated silence.

He wanted his house to be filled with your laughter.

"Seriously, Guk. Why am I here?"

Jeongguk couldn't speak as Red continued to glare at him.

Ji-eun and her father couldn't visit today because Namjoon had work to do. This left Jeongguk with no choice but to invite his ex-girlfriend in his abode. He hated being alone since it reminded him of how fucked up he was.

He needed a distraction.

"So now you're giving me the silent treatment?" Red rolled her eyes. This was one of her ex lover's habits that she hated. Jeongguk was so bad when it came to communicating.

"You need to tell me the truth if this is about her." Red sighed and Jeongguk froze. The former hadn't mentioned your name, yet Jeongguk was already affected. He knew Red was referring to you.

"I like her a lot and as much as I enjoy doing you a favor, I can't do this forever."

"Msorry..." Jeongguk avoided Red's eyes as he bit his lower lip. His heart hurt a lot.

"No." She shook her head as if her ex's apology was pure bullshit. This was truly unacceptable. "This isn't just about you, Jeongguk. Did you know that the whole office is either questioning my sexuality or thinking I'm a kiss-ass?"

"What?" The confused boy flicked his gaze at Red.

She snorted and then rolled her eyes once more.

"People think I'm in love with your soulmate because I basically cook her three meals a day. I also remind her to drink water, take her vitamins, leave her sweet notes, and change the flowers in her vase just because you are too much of a pussy to do it on your own!"

Jeongguk averted Red's glare again. She was right. He was a fucking coward—too scared to do all these good things on his own.

He was the one who left you, but he felt like you didn't want to do anything with him anymore. Jeongguk had accepted his sad fate, but it didn't mean he would stop taking care of you.

The truth was he was the one who cooked the food you eat every day. He was the one writing you sweet notes, he was the one bombarding Red text messages to kindly remind you to do the simple things you usually forgot because of your busy schedule.

Jeongguk was doing all of this without your knowledge.

How could he tell you when he knew he was unnecessarily mean to you?

"I mean it's about right. I told you I'm gonna stay here for a few months. It's over now. I don't want to be your tenant anymore."

What he said to you six months ago was deeply engraved in his head. This lie was what kept him awake at night.

Jeongguk was lying. Yes. It was true that he didn't want to be your tenant, but it didn't mean that he didn't want to live with you anymore.

But he was so confused—so fucked up in the head that the only solution was to push you away.

He stood by his belief. You did not understand anything and you did not love him.

But Jeongguk was sure of one thing—or at least he thought so.

"I-I," his adam's apple bobbed up and down. He was nervous.  "I think I like her..."

The girl's scoff indicated that she didn't like what he just said.

"You think?" She crossed her arms, making Jeongguk flinch. Her reaction reminded him of the time he met Red at Seokjin's birthday party.

"Why did you follow me, Jeongguk?" Red looked like she had seen a ghost, but she still folded her arms over her chest to intimidate Jeongguk.

It was easy to frighten him. All she had to do was to raise her brow and cross her arms.

"Wow," your soulmate gritted his teeth. "You haven't seen me in so long and this is how you greet me?"

Jeongguk wasn't expecting to see Red at this party. He was here because he wanted to be your date. The thought of you bringing Hoseok to this party made him so angry.

"How do you expect me to react, Guk? I don't want you here!" She was panicking. Jeongguk called her a bitch the last time they had seen each other.

Right now, Red couldn't help but think that Jeongguk would cause ruckus again.

This couldn't happen. Not right now. Not when people were watching Seokjin, and definitely not when you were here.

Red went to the veranda to get some air. She couldn't face you, couldn't face Jeongguk, and couldn’t face Seokjin. The latter had no idea that Jeongguk was the ex she was talking about. They hadn't had the chance to talk about your soulmate because Seokjin was too caught up with the divorce trial.

"So that's it, huh?" Jeongguk clenched his fist. "You'll just decide you don't want me anymore just because you found your soulmate!?"

"Yes!" Red did not even hesitate. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She was so scared. All she could think about was the fact that Jeongguk could destroy this evening.

"I found my soulmate and I'm okay now. You should be happy too, JK. You have met the person destined for you."

Jeongguk looked away. How could he be happy? He found you, but he liked Red.

Red knew what was running inside his mind, so she shook her head and looked at Jeongguk straight in the eyes.

"Do not hurt her, Jeon. She's a one of a kind girl. You can't find another person as sweet and smart as her."

'But you're sweet and smart too!' Jeongguk wanted to argue.

"She saved my life. I owe her everything I have. I wouldn't even be able to meet my soulmate if it wasn't for her." She sobbed.

"So don't. Please. Don't hurt her."

Jeongguk blinked back to reality upon realizing that he broke Red's request.

He hurt you. Bad.

"You have to be one hundred percent sure about what you feel for her, Jeongguk. She deserves better than this."

He remained quiet, still pondering on what he felt.

Six months passed, but he felt like it wasn't enough to ease his doubts.

"No." He blurted out. "I-I like her,"

Red's expression softened, but she wasn't convinced yet. Jeongguk was stammering as if he wasn't certain.

"Are you really sure? I know I'm always pressuring you, but I want you to be real." She said carefully.

Jeongguk's heart was hammering. It felt like it wanted to be free from the cold cage he built.

"I don't know!" He looked like he was in a lot of pain. Tears were actually threatening to fall down his cheeks.

Jeongguk hated feelings. Why were they so complicated?

"Okay, Gukkie. Calm down."

Gukkie. You called him this. Jeongguk had another realization. That nickname was only cute when it came out of your pretty mouth.

He wanted to kiss you.

"I think you're just guilty and confused right now," Red started.

He could only listen.

"Guilty because you are being held back by the amount of time we spent together. You drilled it in your head that I am the one for you. You ignored the fact that soulmates exist and now that you're experiencing how the soulmate bond works, you became confused."

Red could feel that Jeongguk was skeptical of his own feelings. He was probably thinking that it was impossible for him to fall in love with you with just a few months.

But you see, that was how the soulmate bond worked. It made the impossible possible.

"I know it's hard to suddenly believe into something especially when all your life, you ignored and denied the existence of it."

Jeongguk only pursed his lips into a thin line.

Red continued.

"You feel guilty for trying to unlearn what you believe is a myth, but it's okay, Jeongguk. It's okay to let me go. You aren't cheating. Your feelings simply changed. Don't let our memories together ruin what your heart truly wants."

Confusion was eating him alive again.

"H-How do you know all of this?" He asked softly, making Red chuckle.

"Why do you think it took me so long to tell you that I found my soulmate, huh?"

Jeongguk shook his head. He honestly had no idea.

"It’s because I also went through this, Guk. It took me months to finally admit the truth to you since I was so guilty. We have been together for almost a decade and I feel like it would be such a waste to just let you go, but the heart wants what it wants. It's so much easier to just let things go."

Jeongguk grimaced. He regretted being an ass to Red when they broke up. If he only knew that it was this hard to be in denial...

"But don't get me wrong, okay? Letting go doesn't mean that you have to completely erase your memories with people. I still treasure the moments we spent together and I love you, Jeongguk—not in a romantic way, but I will always love you."

He was his first love, his first friend. Jeongguk had always been there for her. She knew he truly loved her.

As Red talked about their memories together, Jeongguk then started to reminisce the moments he had with you.

It was weird.

Weird that your memories together were not even half as many as the moments he spent with Red, yet all that's on his mind was you.

This was what terrified Jeongguk. You barely spent time together, but what he felt for you was strong—too strong that it defeated his ten years with Red.

"I don't know what to do," Jeongguk choked out a sob. It's annoying because Red was laughing.

"You poor bunny. I wish I could tell you how I did it, but you have to figure this on your own." This was the last thing she said before leaving Jeongguk alone.

Alone with his treacherous thoughts.

He kept playing the conversation he had with Red, making him realize that his own thoughts was the one making this hard for him.

Red was wrong.

Jeongguk wasn't confused.

He knew exactly what he felt for you.

He was just too much of a coward to admit it.

He never learned.

The six months he spent away from you should have served as a lesson by now, but no. Here he was, still ignoring the ache in his chest.

Jeongguk regretted leaving you months ago. He had to admit that it wasn't instant though.

That's the thing about regret. It came into a beautiful form—a disguise telling him that this was what he wanted even though he knew deep down that it was not.

He hated himself because of this. There were many warning signs from other people. He had heard so many times that regret was a two-faced bitch. It felt good at first, making him feel like he was floating because he was finally free.

But then it would come back to haunt him—to drown him with what ifs and I should have—to suffocate him until he couldn't breathe anymore.

Jeongguk hated himself because of this. Why couldn't he be like others? He envied those people who could express their feelings in the right way. Those people who knew how to dodge regret.

He wasn't like them. He got overwhelmed too quickly—causing him to panic and do stupid things.

But really. What was his way of expressing himself? How could he ease the doubts in his head?

What kind of outlet would serve as his way to be able to express the heaviness in his chest?

Jeongguk could only think about one thing.

He went to his art room. There was too much space in this house, but his loneliness still couldn't fit.

Everything in this room was sad. The easel looked sad, the palette looked sad, his blank canvas looked sad.

It was sad that he couldn't find the will to paint anymore.

What was the use of seeing colors when he couldn't do what he loved? What was the used of seeing colors when he couldn't see the color in your eyes?

Jeongguk's lips trembled as he gripped the brush in his hand.

He really couldn't do it.

Maybe he should look at his previous works to get inspiration?

Yeah. That's probably the best thing to do...

Jeongguk brought out the box full of the things you had bought for him.

It had been half a year since he touched these materials. He couldn't bring himself to even look at this before. It reminded him so much of you.

Jeongguk let out a shaky breath.

The box was overloading with art. The months he spent with you caused him to produce these lovely sketches.

He smiled while looking at the pile of sticky notes on the floor. These were the ones he drew when he was overwhelmed with colors.

Sketching was much simpler. It calmed his raging emotions.

Jeongguk started to absentmindedly piece together the pictures in the sticky notes drawn by him.

"Holy shit," his eyes suddenly dilated upon realizing that these tiny sketches made up a larger picture of your eyes when they were put together—similar to a puzzle.

Jeongguk's blood was rushing. It was as if he was slapped by reality.

The larger picture was your eyes, the small ones that were drawn in each sticky notes were every tiny detail about you: your mouth, your neck, your fingers, and everything in between.

This was it.

This was his way of expressing feelings.

His lips lie, but his artworks tell.

Jeongguk understood now what Red was implying. She was right. No one could help him, not even the love you claimed you felt for him.

This was all on Jeongguk. He realized that he had to admit it himself that he loved you, that he wanted to be with you, and that he believed in soulmates because he wanted to and not because other people force him to do so.

Realization was the complete opposite of regret. The latter was slow, the former was instant. It would hit you when you least expected it.

Jeongguk was certain.

His doubts were cleared because he knew you could see colors now.

You should be able to see with flashing colors and light, so why weren't you?

"J-Jimin?" You whispered, uncertain, unstable, and unhappy.

You were surrounded by negative prefix that was making him feel sick.

When Jeongguk found out that he loved you, he imagined begging for forgiveness at your feet— telling you how much of an idiot he was and that he was willing to take whatever you could give—no, scratch that. You didn't have to give anything at all.

It was his time to show you how much you meant to him.

This was why Jeongguk texted you, asking you to meet him. When you didn't answer, he was forced to call you.

Unfamiliar voice welcomed him to bring the terrible news.

The person on the other line told him that you were in a hospital. Your car crashed because you were driving under the influence of alcohol.

Jeongguk didn't know what to do after knowing this information. He was out of his mind. It was a miracle that he was able to reach the hospital in one piece.

He remembered running like crazy, he was crossing the street even though cars were approaching. He ignored the profanities leaving their mouths.

He just didn't care about anything. He just needed to get to you.

He couldn't get to you—at least not now. The doctors were still treating you. Luckily they told Jeongguk everything. He didn't even need to show his I.D to prove that the two of were related. He only needed to tell them that he was your soulmate.

It's funny how he refused to believe in the idea of soulmate before, but right now, he was using it to beg other people to believe that you were destined to be together.

Jeongguk waited in vain, staring into the space and praying to God he didn't believe in.

Desperation always led people into doing things they never thought they'd ever do.

"You're Jimin, right?" You continued to ask, still unsure.

Jeongguk didn't know how to answer. You were acting strange. Couldn't you tell that it was him who was in front of you now? Was this one of effects of the accident?

"I'm sorry I keep asking," you bit the inside of your cheeks as tears filled your eyes.

Jeongguk was quick to wipe your tears away. His touch was gentle, but you still winced.

Everything about you hurt.

"I can't see you. I-I can't see anything. It's all black..."

Jeongguk's heart sank, his blood running cold.

What did you just say?

"I'm so scared, Jimin-ah. This is different from the colorless world." Your tears were flowing non-stop, similar to the painful sound that kept on hammering your soulmate's chest.

"I feel like I'm going crazy. There's nothing here, it's just darkness sucking me in."

You were quivering in agitation. You felt helpless. It was as though everyone was fully geared up and you're here, naked—just waiting to be taken advantage of.

Being blind made you more vulnerable. You just wished this wasn't forever. The doctors said that there were two probable reasons why you couldn't see.

The first one was because of the accident. They already treated your injuries, but they said you still needed an eye surgery. Apparently, you hit your head when your car crashed. They said you didn't need to worry since this was the most common type of treatment for people experiencing temporary blindness.

Temporary.

You hoped this was temporary. Your heart couldn't take it if the reason why you were blind was because of your tragic fate.

The doctors told you that your blindness might be because of the existence of soulmate. It had come to your learning that the medical world was now considering this myth as a reality.

If this was the case, you were really damned.

"I'm sorry..." Jeongguk blurted out. He couldn't stop crying after knowing what happened to you.

This was not how it was supposed to go. Why was the universe being so cruel to him? Was he wrong? Was breaking from the phase of denial not enough? Was he really your soulmate? But why...why did you turn blind after he finally accepted the love he felt for you? Was it not enough?

Was Jeongguk not enough? Did he hurt you to the point that nothing, not even his love, could bring you back to light?

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry!" Jeongguk wailed, he was aching to touch you, but he was scared to cause you pain.

He caused you pain.

He would always cause you pain.

This was evident when you felt a sharp pang in your chest upon recognizing his voice.

He wasn't Jimin.

You did not pour your heart to Park Jimin.

You told everything to the wrong person.

You made yourself vulnerable in front of Jeon Jeongguk. Again.

"J-Jeongguk?" Your voice was loaded with disappointment and sadness.

He sobbed even harder.

"I-It's me," his voice cracked. "I'm here."

It's me. I'm here. If you were the person you were before, you would probably be rejoicing now.

Jeon Jeongguk was here. You didn't know if he was here because of you or not. In the end, it didn't matter since:  "I'm glad," you said." I'm glad you're here."

You did not sound like you were glad. Not at all. Jeongguk couldn't be mistaken. Your voice was too monotonous to be considered happy. Your expression was impassive it made you look like you had no life.

But you were glad. You're sure of this because at least you didn't have to beg Jimin or any other people to ask Jeongguk to come see you.

He was here so you could already tell him what you had been meaning to.

"I'm sorry, Jeongguk," this was what you meant.

He did not understand.

Why were you saying sorry when he should be the one begging you to take him back?

"I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable so many times. I didn't mean to—"

"Don't say that," he cut you off, but you continued.

This time you were smiling.

"Allow me to," you gulped. "Allow me to so that I could understand why."

What were you saying now?

"I have to apologize and you have to tell me what I did wrong, Jeongguk. You have to tell me what I did to make you hate me this much."

You were crying. The pain was unbearable. It was making you think of the worst case scenario. It was making you imagine things that weren't true. It was making you feel like his hatred towards you was the reason why you couldn't see.

You were blaming him.

You had the right to.

He hurt you so much.

"What did I do to deserve this?" You had been a good person. You weren't hurting anyone consciously. You had been giving everything you had, so why? Why was your soul still bleeding?

"I let you go, Jeongguk. I am letting you go. Can't you do the same? Can't you really let go of the hatred in your heart and just let me live?"

Jeongguk couldn't speak. You were feeding your head with lies.

Jeon Jeongguk did not hate you because Jeon Jeongguk loved you.

He loved you with all of his heart.

"Let me go, Jeongguk."

With his body.

"I don't want to be your soulmate anymore."

And soul.

You did not want to love Jeon Jeongguk.

You loved him. Once. But not this time.

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[testhemess]

Lady Dimitrescu x reader

Part 2

(reader is GN)

You've been at this mansion for a while, working under Lady Dimitrescu. Safe to say you haven't died yet, but that doesn't mean you haven't had any close calls. Servants that work here don't last long, they get replaced immediately when they "mysteriously go missing."

The only reason they keep getting more workers each day, is the high pay that she gives out. And that offer attracts anyone alike, unbeknownst that they just signed their death sentence. You've been working for her for about a couple weeks. Besides Lady Dimitrescu's main butler, you're the longest lasting employee in the manor. Unlike the fools that walked in here under free will, you however were forced.

Your father owed alot of money to her, but when he couldn't pay it back, he was as sure as dead. He was gonna be killed if he didn't get the money, until you offered yourself instead. She didn't like the idea of you being the "payment", but she didn't complain when she tried your blood for the first time. She moaned in delight at the taste and agreed for you being the payment after that.

"They'll do nicely~" you were terrified, but kept a brave facade as you stared into the face of death. You father was scared for you and angry that you were sacrificing yourself for him. But his complaints and worry fell deaf on your ears, you didn't care about yourself. You just wanted to protect him and the family, because we all know she wouldn't have stopped at him. So you're just making it easier in everyone.

On the first day of working there you were bitten by Lady Dimitrescu And her daughters, they kept you alive since they figured out how rare and delicious you tatsed. Keeping you around like a cow for the slaughter.

"Only the best for my girls~" Is what she would say when they would nibble on you. Don't get me wrong, it hurt like hell each time they but you, but they did have a good doctor on staff that would visit occasionally to patch you up.

You were a hard worker, you did as you were told, you didn't ask too many questions, and you've had to get rid of few too many bodies around the mansion. It felt almost degrading that they kept you alive as a snack and force you to do manual labor. You came home everyday to a broken father, he drank his sorrows away from having his oldest child be toy to those vampires. One day from coming home from "hell", he almost died from alcohol poisoning and had to stay in bed for a while. That's what's been motivating you to work, to take in the suffering, the bites and the close brushes with death. You had to do it, for your family. 

--

You sigh audibly as you scrub the marble floor with your brush, you worried for your father and longed to return home to help take care of him. You were trying desperately to get a blood stain out of the carpet from an early lunch the daughters consumed, and boy we're you getting tired.

"Mx. (l/n)?" You turn around to see the old butler, Lady Dimitrescu's trusted servant.

" Yes sir?"

" I need you to fetch this wine bottle for me, a special guest is coming over, Lady Dimitrescu's orders" he hands you a crumpled note, it had the name and date of the wine, as well the color to look for.

"where's the wine?" You asked scanning over the paper.

"It is in the basement, fetch it for me Mx. (l/n)" before you could ask anymore questions, he was gone. You looked around and sighed cleaning up your bucket and brush.

--

You walked around the mansion looking for any hatch or door to the basement, but no luck. You groan to yourself about fed up that he didn't tell you where to go, you were still reletivly new damn it.

"Mx. (l/n), are you in need of assistance?" A fellow servant came up to you with a smile.

" Yes, do you know where the entrance of the basement is?" Their smile faded to a serious look.

"why do you need to go down there?"

"Lady Dimitrescu requested a specific wine that she has stored down there, I'm trying to retrieve it" they looked to the side and pulled you in a room, shutting the door behind them.

"Hey, you could've just told me out there" they grabbed your shoulders.

"That basement is dangerous...you can't retrieve that wine"

"But I have too, or else they'll biteme again, and then I won't be able to walk for the rest of the day." You take their hands off your shoulder and eye the servant suspiciously. "What's in the basement?"

"Monsters, and tortured victims.."

" What do you mean by monsters?" They stayed silent and reached in their bag, only to pull out a big kitchen knife. They handed it to you fast.

"You're a good kid, it'd be a shame to lose such a hard worker in this hell hole. Use that to protect yourself on your venture"

"I-i dont need this big of a knife!" You said nervously eyeing the knife in your hands.

" Trust me..you'll need it. Take a torch with you, and get out as fast as you can, okay kid?" You nod slowly not understanding their reaction.

They walk over to the end of the room and pull on something inside the fire place. All of sudden you could hear the sound of stones rubbing against each other, a small crawl space opened leading into some inner stone steps. You looked at the spot in slight worry.

"Why is there a secret passage to get to the basement??"

"Don't ask too many questions, now get goin, but be careful." They gave you a small push and left the room. You sighed and crawled in the space, dusting yourself off when you got through. You grabbed a torch from the wall and looked down the stone steps, you swallowed nervously.

"Let's get this over with.."

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