#and im trying so so so hard not to be paranoid

[arrowpunk]

I am beating myself over the head with a rolled up newspaper trying to get my brain to stop being paranoid and inherently suspicious of everyone.

Just because people have been terrible to me in the past and treated me like shit and only cared about me because I provided something to them does not mean Everyone I meet is like that! Friendship is a good and wonderful thing!!!! Just because I was bad at picking friends and people have taken advantage of me and my kindness does not mean everyone I will meet just wants to use and take advantage of me!

I hate how inherently suspicious I've become and I don't want to be this way but I am also so so so afraid of being hurt in the same ways again. Because there isn't much that hurts more than finding out that people you trusted and had been friends with sometimes for multiple years, only cared about you insofar as you were useful to them in some way. And then treat you like shit and toss you to the curb as soon as you are no longer capable of providing whatever it is they were using you for.

And this has happened to me... A good few times. And I feel so blind and stupid every time and it's just!!!!! Fucked me up!!! And I don't know how to recover and stop being inherently afraid of befriending people and loving people and pouring my time and effort and heart and soul into people.

#ramblings of an arrow #aaaaaaaaaaugh #I know that not everyone is like those people #its just so so so scary when the most recent person was someone I trusted sooooooo much #until suddenly the other shoe dropped #and its just that the most recent one was so scary and is still scary because they said things to other ppl I had been friends with #who just very suddenly with no warning turned around and treated me as if I was the devil incarnate #when I had literally no idea what Id done #AND STILL DONT #and im trying so so so hard not to be paranoid #but Im still so afraid itll happen again #and that people wont even try to get my perspective on things and drop me with no warning and say scathing things if I ask about it #because its happened before #and I know some ppl Im still friends with still interact at least somewhat with some of these ppl #and thats fine they can do what they want! #most ppl dont even really know what happened #but its. terrifying on my end sometimes #not knowing whats been said about me and not knowing if ppl secretly think im horrid and just wont say anything to me about it #and it makes trusting new people and trying to make new friends so fucking terrifying #because what if it turns out like that Again #what if I am a Fool again #they say no love is wasted but there really are some ppl that I used to love that I wish I had never met and never trusted and never lovef #and if I could erase the impact we had on each others lives I would in a fucking heartbeat and feel no remorse #because in the end they only made me a worse person and I only enabled their shitty behavior for way too long #and I wish I never met them because I still cant think of a single good thing that actually came from knowing them #im a worse paranoid scared suspicious person because of it and Im afraid of making new friends and I HATE being afraid to care about ppl

[em0-opossum]

sick of people acting like being alone/lonely = being single. ofc you're allowed to feel like that, I'm aro and could not care less that I don't have a partner so I have no idea what it feels like to have that experience, but god just once I'd like to find poetry and art made by people who know how it feels to have no friends and feel lonely no matter how many people are around you and know that you don't belong no matter where you are

#I'm lucky enough to have two good friends right now who i love very much #but that doesn't mean that they understand how i feel or how i have felt #and knowing you're alone in that overbearing loneliness just alienates you more and further perpetuates the feeling #i still miss out on so many opportunities to be friends with people i genuinely want to be friends with so bad because i can't talk to them #i still get so paranoid sometimes and stop replying to anyone because I'm convinced they hate me and there's something wrong with me #sometimes to the point where i avoid teachers who i need to talk to because i am sure that everything i say will be wrong #even someone being nice can feel awful because i think that they just feel bad or are pretending and actually trying to make fun of me #i know nobody actually knows who i am or how i feel because i hide everything to fit in with people and what they need/want #i have never felt like i belong anywhere and trying to explain that to people is so hard #there are times i love being alone but knowing that I've missed out on every regular human experience is so isolating #i just want to be normal and have friends i love and hang out with and talk to and not feel like every word i say could be the end of me #and when i try to find anybody who relates all i get is “oh im alone again :(( being single is awful” #i really do empathize with those people but it is nothing like my experience of loneliness #(tags are just for finding people who relate) #social anxiety #avpd #avoidant personality disorder #actuallyavpd #loneliness #chronic loneliness

[npdlangley]

oh my god my mouth hurts i am going to hell i need to die

#txt #fuck fuck fuckkk #<absolutely paranoid about my teeth #nononono #im trying so hard i cantt. do this #why does it have to hrut ive been trying so hard to take care of myself #its so hard but im trying #fuckkkkkkkkkkk

[bubblegumbeyotch]

.

#i feel like such a loner nowadays #i went through a pretty intense time of isolation after j*cob dumped me but i just feel like i never quite got out of it #like i try to show up to things people invite me to but a lot of the time i end up feeling either really tired or annoyed or sad #and it’s like entirely a me thing #i just find myself getting so angry about little things that don’t matter and assuming threats that aren’t there #and it’s confusing? exhausting? like i don’t know why i feel so angry #i just always feel so… fragile i guess. like im on the edge of snapping #and being around others just heightens that. like i just feel like i can’t relax and i feel so paranoid #not about anything or anyone in particular just something i’ve observed lately. it’s very hard for me to make myself go out #just ignore if you see ig #personal

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#the problem with a mood profile that is mostly way down with peaks of way up is that when u return to a state of: the bullshit is easy. #i dont need to sleep. i could run around in circles. i could read a million papers. what kind of loser cant manage their life? #u r like: God fucking dammit i fucked up so much stuff. y tf didnt i do yhis at the time???? its so baffling like i went from fuck just let #me sleep forever to agitated and full of evil energy to like: ok im normal im gonna do the extraction ive been putting off for months #y couldnt i have been like this last week when i should have gathered a list of my failing students to the prof to make them withdrawal? #like y tf didnt i do that?????? i mean. its kind of a suspect way to run a class tbh bc u r artificially inflating ur score #but i could have saved like 6 ppl from an F. but i mean if u r struggling its sort of on u to reach out for help. #ugh. ive not been very good at my job this semester. but to b fair my brain has been trying very hard to kill me #genuinely i had to fill out a safety sheet in therapy and then go to a ta meeting where they were like: how r yall doing #? how do u feel abt the semester? and im just like aaaaaaaAAAaaaa 🙃 #next semester i think im TAing for an online course. and im hoping its not bc i was so terrible they had to distance me from students lol #i mean. thats probably just me being paranoid but idk well see monday when i ask when the prof wants to meet before next semester #ay. its been a rougher semester than id hoped. #unrelated

[todayisafridaynight]

I genuinely can never thank you enough for the past year. I can't express how much it's meant to me to be understood and have my energy reciprocated with someone on the same wavelength. Although I've been in the fandom for quite a bit longer than most people writing in, and longer than you, even, I can't remember the last time I felt this welcome and motivated. A TRULY embarrassing amount of my work's just been fueled by "oh Snap's gonna wanna see that," and of course that circle's expanded since then, but it probably wouldn't have had I not met stream chat through you, aaaaaand if I'm honest you're still up there... lol...

It's always, always a highlight of my day to see your your work, your posts, and your responses, whether they're to me or to others, and it's always a highlight of my week to be able to make it to streams! You're a huge inspiration for me, particularly in terms of your work ethic across the board. I always come out of streams energized and feeling like I can actually finish things, and usually this is hubris, but it's gotta count for something.

Not to be dramatic, but you kinda changed my life, no exaggeration. I still really can't see myself the way I was two or three years ago not just calling it quits after some of my Gaiden experiences... lol... but I'm still around, and like always, I wanna be able to write in and interact as much as I used to sometime soon. Thanks for everything! I hope RGGS continues to deliver so we can stay in touch :3

i cant thank YOOOOU enough for the past Xsome months or so. feelins ABSOLUTELY mutual in that i wasnt sure anyone else would really be into talkin bout rgg as you and i have (or would be willing to read my. miles-long scrolls of bullshit LMAO) so it's been real fun gettin to know you an everyone and chattin !!

most bafflin thin to ever to think i have good work ethic, i feel like ive been behind everyone for the past couple weeks and even with the things i do make it's really not up to snuff. it's always nice to hear that's not supposedly exactly the case :) I Suppose :^)

rgg community (like any community lbr) can be. An Experience, esp for someone with a position like yours. so im glad i can make it worth to hang around somewhat LOL

regardless, i always look forward to you next ask or the next time you leave tags on a post i make. if i ever bother making a post again ☠️☠️

#fave #snap chats #I DID SIT ON THIS ALL DAY OOPS #i got a bit busy with some stuff...... also i always try my best to write a sufficient response cause ill feel bad if i dont </3 #mad funny youre stoked for me to see stuff And I Am Always Stoked To See Stuff cause i got a similar sentiment towards you #i mean i TRYYYY not to get too in my head bout it since then i get paranoid but i always do hope on the downlow like #'ah man. hope this is funny. hope masu likes it. hope im shot for this one' VERY NORMAL things to want :) #so funny tho. funny timin of this ask i feel like ive been disappointin people an particularly yous #which 'snap that doesnt make sense please be happy with yourself for three seconds' which. NO?? no. impossible #but i do get worried im disappointing or being too annoying or yk. just being a pest or not being adequate #so it's fun/ny gettin this ask today all that considered LOL #I MEAN I KNOW EVERYONE BEEN NICE THE PAST DAY OR SO YK SO NO REASON TO THINK IT #i cant avoid thinkin a it... my number one bully is myself he Will Not leave me alone no matter how hard i try to complain to the board #the board also bein myself. i cant excommunicate myself from myself-- #REGARDLESS. very cool that i give you motivation :) esp after streams :) #every time i finish a stream i feel like i made an ass out of myself. ALWAYS HAVE FUN. but i feel at the cost of bein obnoxious #tho i guess theres no point stayin round if i was. lest its like Last Resort kinda deal then TRULY i am sorry im The Last Resort #ILL STOP WHINING FOR FIVE SECONDS TO SAY thank you :) for everythin :) both just chattin with me an all the work you do for the community #it truly is a lot and indescribable and its very cool i have someone like that who likes what i do. you do be the beyonce in walmart to me #to reference that post i rb'd last night LOL its still hard for me to understand but ig i dont have to understand it #i think i mentioned this before but i remember when id draw for persona (cringe ik) id mostly draw adachi (this is relevant Trust) #and this one mate one day was just 'snap its really nice how much. love you bring to the adachi community' #which is a hilarious thing to say since adachi sucks but POINT IS im glad i. i THINK im kinda doing the same thing now still #thats the consensus ive gotten the past couple asks.. lol.. its nice bringin people together and havin a fun and welcomin space :) #ILL WRAP IT UP HERE THO before i make people throw up. i kept this ask hoarded long nuff.. ill just hoard it in my chest cavity instead #once more thank you forever and always :) when we inevitability branch off to other things i'll always treasure all you've done for me

[arcadiandeath]

it feels like i am reliving it everyday

#sick to my stomach all the time. heart racing #all my nerves tingling and every organ flipping #and the dreams #last night i was trying to tell my mother in our old family home that there was a fire spreading in the kitchen #but i was too quiet #no matter how close i got i was too quiet #the night before that it was just like Back Then and i wake up thinking i was dying #how do you do it??? how do you carry all the things that accumulate in the cracks? #i feel like i am coated in it. like everyone can see it on me except for me. like it is coming out of my pores. #eugh. and ive lost so much hair. #but i will get thru it #it can grow back. and december will come. and everything will pass. and life will move on. #need to figure out if theyre making things easier tomorrow or not. i gotta. i will keep going. i will keep going. #i am alright though! just having a rough go of it and need to just. keep my sights set on that flight home. #it's hard when youre so paranoid but you KNOW it's an internal issue #like im so sorry random person im sure youre very nice but im Terrified of you

[gayemoji]

hello world i personally dont know how to feel about call me what you like but i bet if somebody yelled at me about it thatd convince me

#no fr i am a product and amalgamation of other peoples opinions and emotions #if you let me ramble in the tags for a minute though 🫡 #verses sound a lot like their cover of that crywank song #& personally i cannot standcrywank so my neurotic connections are rejecting it second one #the chorus though ! should be good #bc it reminds me of blur song 2 #something about wills voice though is like ... #i think hes straining too much on 'and you kiss the skin' yknow #trying too hard its a needle in my brain #bc theyre going for half desperate but half uncaring which is admittedly very hard to nail perfectly #idk !! i cant tell if im being nitpicky and after a few more listens ill be used to it or if its really that annoying #'im not paranoid ima realist' WAS cringe but then he screamed 'I KNOW YOUR GONNA KILL ME' and it saved it so good on them for that onelmfa #& ftr the instrumental side of things is BEAUTIFUL like STUNNING like BLUR SONG 2 BUT ITS LOVEJOY im really just stuck on wills voice lol🥲 #lvjy #m #rambling #t #call me what you like #lovejoy

[ratgingi]

god i wish i knew how to be nornal around nornal people

#interacting with everyone around here like im so normal and sane and cishet and neurotypical i prommy so hard #litwrally no ones done abything even moderately threatening to me but im the most paranoid abxiety riddled creature on earth #one of the girls literally texted me like hey ur the new one right wanna hang out some time #and my brain was like DANGER DANGE R SHE WANTS TO TRY TO EMBARASS AND OR KILL US #i feel so bad this brain is literally impossible to work with :family guy death pose: #dialogue

[maeshelix]

I feel like a long-forgotten prisoner locked away in solitary confinement awaiting her execution, cackling at nothing and switching moods at the drop of a hat, except that that prisoner could leave her cell at any point and could interact with anyone she wanted at any point and only doesn't do that out of several unexplainable and/or hard to articulate fears.

The execution is still real, it's just got a more nebulous timeframe and will also kill several million more people before it kills her.

#vent #im trying to be subtle but i know im failing man im just so fucking terrified #ive barely started my life and i just know ill never be able to really start it #the second i walk out of this house with my 6'6 bowleg ass with my pauldron shoulders in any dress im just gonna be shot #thats just the feel of life right now and i cant handle it #dont even know if im being to hard on myself or the people in my town or a combination of the two or im right or what #i feel paranoid and broken and nothings even happened to me yet #but that fucking yet hangs over me like a sword #it hasnt happened yet but it feels like its gonna. i just know its gonna #i want to die #again vent

[ankhisms]

feeling the sad little pathetic creature emotions this evening suddenly. i dont really want to dwell in feeling bad but it is a familiar deep sad feeling u know. itll be ok i just have to let it out

#to the tune of ghengis khan dont wanna feel like nooo one believes in meeeeeeee im experiencing like. something thats #akin to my very specific paranoia of being paranoid of everyone secretly hating me and talking badly about me or thinking im horrible #secretly where its like my brain is telling me that no one believes in me including my friends and logically i know this isnt true. i have #so many people in my life who i love and appreciate and who have supported me through hardships and who i want to support #in turn. but thats the thing with my paranoia and delusions yknow i can be at least somewhat aware that im being irrational but in the end #that doesnt make it go away. and my brain is just like. no one believes in you when it comes to the creative things you want to do #like my art and acting and poetry. and then my brain tells me that the people around me just pity me and dont want to outright #say that everything i make or try to create sucks because they feel bad for me. and again i KNOW this isnt true. and i #feel bad and feel like im being unfair to my friends bc if this paranoia so i dony want to bring it up to anyone beyond venting like this #and also i feel scared that somehow bringing this specific paranoia up would be like guilt tripping people into like being nice to me or #somethimg my words are weird but my braim very much is like you are not allowed to ask for support or tell people about being insecure #and i do think this overall has something to do with my deep issues of completely lacking any confidence in myself or my abilities #which is due to a life time of abuse etc etc and its hard to build up any confidence in myself when i am still stuck in #my toxic home with no real options to get out at this point for various reasons. but its like #what if i just suck at the things i love to do? what if my art is just bad or mediocre even? what if im a bad actor or a bad poet? what id #even though i feel a deep calling within my soul to create and do these things what if even though i only ever feel truly alive #when i am acting or painting. what if none of it is any good. and no one wants to tell me that because they pity me #again. on a certain level i know this is all just my paranoia and is unreasonable. but its a feeling thats really hard to shake off yknow #anyway. thank u if you read this all i prommy ill be ok i just had to get it out 💖

[gleeokenspiel]

guess who probably has a cold ✌️

#its me <3 #winter is NOT helping esp when im overseas #im a little paranoid it’ll b peak when i need to fly home and then i’ve devolve into a panic attack #delete later #im trying so hard but aughgh

[eclysia]

am i in the minority for still liking wired headphones...??

#yeah the cords annoying but you know whats more annoying. charging #plus i get kind of paranoid for some reason. i dunno why #i was given a gift card so im trying to get some nice headphones but its hard to find good wired ones

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#shout out to the person at the [redacted] admissions office who gave me a typo-ed email to sent my transcript to #and i missed it bc idk im dyslexic and didnt expect to get the wrong email address from the graduate office #i would never have known if one of my transcripts didnt bounce back. like jesus. i would have been so sad #now im just gonna b real paranoid abt electronic transcripts. hopefully its fine bc dec 1 wasnt a hard deadline but thst was the priority #deadline. idk if they also needed official transcripts by then as well. fucking hell #i was gonna try to go to sleep early. now its 10.30 and im upset #everything is just. its all terrible. and i actually have to get shit done tomorrow like actually actually so im gonna have to suck it up #and just idk just do it. well see how much damage that does me #16 days. i have to made it 16 more days. 2 weeks and a bit. that's all #but the floorboards are rotting out from under my feet and i really dont wanna have to go to my boss like yo im like genuinely having a #breakdown so like fuck everything we had planned for December my brain is collapsing in on itself #8 to 10 months. assuming i get accepted somewhere. thats how long i have to stay. too long #i dont kno what im gonna do if being home doesnt heal me. it hasnt at any other point this year so blah #unrelated

[jimines]

.

#this is just a little vent/update on some stupid shit going on on here regarding someone i won’t name #but i need to talk about it and vent bc im so frustrated at this whole thing #so i cut a friend off recently.. told them in a *very* heated message how i felt about all the terrible shit they'd said and done recently #and demanded they do not try to contact me anymore and blocked them immediately after #no surprise 5mins later i got two anons from them in my inbox trying to start a fight however i blocked the IP after those two #i even went so far as to disable my webpage for a few days to try and deter them both from sending anons and from stalking my page #and i shouldnt have had to unblock them to tell them for the second time to leave me alone and to stop trying to start things with me #because the last time we argued it was six weeks of emotional damage that i am still really messed up from #after all this it was radio silence - or so i thought #because i've received word now twice that this person has been saying untrue things to friends of friends #trying to start drama and rumours all because i cut them off and they didn't get that fight and that last word they so desperately need ? #i just…why? why why why? why does everything have to become a drama? this is why narcissists scare me.. #it took me over a year to realize thats what they are and that id been manipulated so fucking bad.. which is nothing short of embarassing #the way this anxiety has been weighing on my chest lately and dulling my time here is something that shouldnt be happening #im so so tired of all of it.. the drama and the fights and the rumours.. i physically cannot go through this kind of thing again #idk if anyone is reading this but im sorry for being so absent and unresponsive and (often times) really negative on my blog #its just so hard to be happy and positive and excited when this potential drama is looming over me day after day ya know? #im trying to push through and be here because i genuinely WANT to be here but its so fucking exhausting sometimes im constantly paranoid #i pray things will come to a rest and nothing will explode bc mentally i cannot take it anymore and i wont be sticking around in that case #i refuse to put myself through the emotional trauma that nicole put me through again. i REFUSE. so if i suddenly deactivate this is why. #but i wont be going down alone thats for sure #c.text

[despite-everything]

hold on im sadposting

okay this is depressing but i cant get it out of my head. my closest friends have been asking me for a while to be honest and open about my mental health stuff, but i really only started sharing what its actually like recently. and then they got super worried and invested and then they inadvertently triggered and had to witness one of the worst ptsd attacks ive had in years and now things feel so strained. i reached out and explained what happened and why, as well as more details about what was going on that they didn't understand, as well as advice for how to help in the future. it was so fucking hard to do but they replied that they appreciated it and love me and all that. but both of them are leaving town this weekend and havent seen me since the incident, and we texted briefly once or twice and they said they'd figure out when to see me this week before they leave, but didn't. i reached out again today because i'm more schedule-oriented than they are, but no response. so there's only 2 days where they could possibly see me now (due to my work schedule) and i'm doubting it's going to happen. and then both of them will be out of town for a week, then we have a week and a half of classes left, so i probably won't see them much. then it's winter break, and i'll be alone again for several weeks. they said they'd like to go on a trip with me, but haven't confirmed anything at all so i think i'm going alone (i'm not shocked by that one - i was doing the trip anyway and figured they'd enjoy it, but i also didn't get my hopes up). and the thing is that they're good people. but ive lost friends before when they learned what i'm really like, and i think it might be happening again. i try so hard to get better but the fact is that ive spent my entire life sad. like some of my earliest memories are of hiding away and crying. and ive been in and about of treatment since 2008. i want to be optimistic, but my dad has told me he's felt this way for more than 40 years, and i'm scared that's going to be me too. the best i've felt in years was in the rainforest, and even then, the anxiety was lifted but i was so sad i could cry at any moment. i don't like living like this! i dont! and i do try so fucking hard to be better and do better. but i think my friends aren't going to be able to handle having a friend like me and i feel like i've fucked up years of work on building a close and healthy friendship by being fucking insane.

#i know that this makes it seem like im being overdramatic #but theres also a lot more to it that i just cant share #and i dont hold it against them. but im so sad #im so fucking sad #and ive been rattled and paranoid and not eating or sleeping #like its bad. and then my dad texted me asking how im doing #and i cant even respond #and my sister reached out about something and i cant respond #and my mother who i havent been able to speak to in months told me our dog is dying #and i still cant fucking respond #i just hate this. i just want to be happy #ive worked so fucking hard to try to be happy and it feels like someone out there hates me so fucking much #like god or someone. #and they hate me so much they cant let me be happy #im tired #sorry about this. its late and ive been thinking about this for several days now #tree talks